Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen, and together we transform everything. And Happy New Year to you. Let's make 2020 your breakthrough year. This is Judy Mae Murphy. I'm here in studio today with our associate producer, Elspeth Proudlock. And together we are going to absolutely transform the way that you are thinking about, acting about and feeling about your new year. I love this quote from Ralph Walder Emerson. He says, write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year. So that's what we're going to do. We're going to take this fresh start any day we can. Every day if we need to. We're going to wake up in the morning and say, you know what? This is a blank day. This is a new day. We're just going to go for it. We're going to do amazing things. And in this hour, we are going to be answering your questions, questions that you have sent in over the Christmas vacation, and we're going to be making sure that it's applicable to everybody. So you'd be amazed at how when we start to look at what somebody else is going through, it's very rarely about strategy. It's very rarely about, oh, you need to phone this place and you need to do this. It's usually about your thinking. How is it that you've set the game up in your mind? What is your attitude towards yourself? What is your attitude towards the world? How are you healing from something that happened to you? How are you recovering from a disappointment? How fast are you insisting on getting back in the saddle when this happens to you? How good are you at making the most of the great things that happen? Because very often we, you know, we moan about the things that aren't working. And then some great things come along and we just kind of go, oh, yes, thank goodness. And we feel relieved. So we have some questions today, Elspeth, if you can just give us the first question so that we can just dive right in and make our 2020. Awesome. Hello. So Anne has said, I've already eaten biscuits and my New Year's resolution was no sugar. I feel like such a failure. Do I know? Do you know a good detox plan I could buy? So, Anne, Right. This is not unusual. So you. It sounds as if you made yourself this promise that in 2020 that you weren't going to eat sugar. So let's look at that first. First up, making yourself a promise that you will do something that's very different from what you've been doing before and that you will do it for a whole year, that's a little bit too much for the brain to take. First of all, the brain can't conceive of a year. And secondly, the brain doesn't want to deny itself. If that's the way that it's taking it, it doesn't want to deny itself for 12 months. So I always encourage people to set yourself resolutions for the month of January. Say to yourself, you know what? For the month of January, I'm going to do this. And we see this working. We see when people talk about dry January, they that that's a good amount of time, that they can do it for that amount of time. So when we're looking at something like, you know, not having sugar, and we say to ourselves, oh, you know what? I've got a whole year of doing this. Well, you know what, I'll start on the 6th of January, or I'll start next week, or you know what? I didn't mean I'll completely give up sugar. I meant I'll give up sugar on the weekdays. Or our brain starts to justify and jiggle it and do very, very different things. So the first thing is set your goals in ways, feel really good to you and feel achievable. So January, I'm going to. And be very specific. So rather than no sugar, something like when I have my 11 o' clock cup of tea, maybe you used to have a biscuit with that or two biscuits or 20 or a whole box of them. I don't know what you did, but whatever you did, say to yourself, what am I going to do instead? So I don't miss that. And it could be something as simple as rather than sitting down, having your cup of tea, you take it out to the garden or take it out and wander up and down corridors so you're not trying to do the same thing as usual and then take something away from that routine, take something away from that ritual. So what could you put in place that would feel even better? Is it something like have a really, really gorgeous cup of tea and you have a routine around that. You have a ritual where it's, you know, it's tea leaves rather than tea bags and you've got to, you know, use a special strainer, whatever it is for you, make sure that you aren't making the ritual less, that you found a way to make it even more. It could be that you eat something that you really love, like I Don't know if apricots or peaches are in season right now, but you know, chopping up a piece of fruit really beautifully and serving it to yourself with a tiny little fork on a plate, that might feel as good as the biscuit used to. So make sure that whatever you are abstracting from your life, you're putting in something that is very different and equally as good. It serves the purpose well. So if you're used to kind of getting a little bit of a sugar hit, then if you're moving on from processed sugar, a really good thing to do is to say, right, you know what, I'm not going to deny myself the hit entirely. So rather than go without, I'll have a handful of almonds, something that simple. Although then we've got to make the handful of almonds as sexy as we can, right? And we can do this. So really it's about designing it ahead of meeting it. In our day, our days are always about that, always about designing things before that we are meeting them. So what was the second thing she said? She said something that was, she was quite kind of self deprecating. So she said that she had told herself no sugar. She felt like a failure. She felt like a failure. Oh my goodness. When we use those kind of words with ourselves, we really are beating ourselves up. We really are saying to ourselves, you know, that this is a value judgment on who you are as a person rather than this is just a fact of something that you didn't do and that was it. You hadn't yet worked out a way to do it that felt good. But if you say to yourself, I'm such a failure, then you can start to stack it. Then what happens is you start to say to yourself, you know, oh, and also that's like the time that I failed my driving test. Or that's like the time where I was going to clear out the attic and I didn't do that. Or that was like the time when I, you know, was engaged and then he called off the engagement. Like we really can take a word like failure and, and use it to make ourselves feel really, really terrible. It's just not useful. It's not useful to feel terrible. It's not useful to decide to put a stamp on something that shuts us down when we can instead choose words that open us up. So, you know, even if you really love the word fail, if you say, well, that's more realistic because some people prefer words that they think are realistic. Say something like, well, that was a failed experiment Okay, a lot of experiments don't work out the first time. What does it take to take to make it successful? Or a word I often use when things don't go the way that I thought they would go is interesting. Okay, that was an interesting moment. That moment where I suddenly just went from being absolutely rock solid, sure that I was going to eat in this way, and suddenly I was just pushing biscuits into my face. Then that was interesting. What was interesting about it? It was interesting that there seemed to be two completely different versions of me, two completely different people. One that was so sure she was going to get this right, and then one that was all about the cookies. So what can you do with that? Then you start to say, oh, okay, now that I know that this little Cookie monster inside me is going to show up, because she has already. That's how we know she's going to show up again. What can I do this time to either appease her or to make sure that there are other, you know, people, other versions of me that are stronger, that can sort of step in and mother the Cookie Monster, give her what she really needs. What was it that you really needed in that moment? Was it that your blood sugar level had massively dropped? Was it that somebody had triggered you into some kind of emotional flashback? Was it that you were just bored? So really get interested and say to yourself, what exactly happened here? Why? Why was that? And then you'll start to get some answers. And what was the last thing else that she was saying? Do you know a good detox plan I could buy? Okay. Do I know a good detox plan that you could buy? No. And I'll tell you why. Because I get so fascinated when I watch. It's all right. I've got you. Stay here. Stay here. We'll get you something. We'll get you something better than a detox plan. When I see people, I see these ads and I see these videos of people who are like, okay, I'm detoxing. It's January and I'm detoxing. Everything that they're eating is either something that is not helping their body or it is. It's something that's really, really good for their body. The thing that's really good for their body, the salads, the vegetables, the juices. I don't call that a detox. I just call that food. That's how I eat every single day of the year. Now, you don't have to be vegan. You don't have to be vegetarian. You know, I've chosen to eat in that way. I've chosen also to eat as many live foods as possible because you have a lot of vegans who end up just eating a lot of carbs and substitutes and, and in fact don't get the nutrit they need. But the thing is that rather than saying to yourself, okay, this is, you know, this is hard work, this is punishment, or this is like me being a martyr, eating a salad isn't an act of martyrdom. Eating a salad needs to be a really, really enjoyable thing. There are a couple of reasons why, if you're not eating a huge big salad every single day, a couple of reasons for that. One is maybe because you don't know how to make that tasty and you don't know how to do it yourself. I remember the first few salads that I ate regularly back in the year 2001 when I really changed my life around. I really hated them. They had so much tomato and celery in them. Now a tomato and a celery never get put in a salad. They get put in stir fries, they get put in, you know, all kinds of other things, but they don't get put in a salad because I don't like the taste. So have you found a way to make eating really well, tasty? Another reason is you haven't maybe looked at how you can make this practical in your life because often it's easier to, you know, go and phone for some takeout or just get something that is pre prepared and it just doesn't really fit into your life. So sitting down and designing that is it that you can get a box of vegetables delivered every week and the first couple of times you're going to be like, oh my gosh, what do I do with an aubergine? And then your brain will work it out, then you will know that's when your life really starts to change. We don't want of to go on like a little mini vacation from our life. Let's go on vacation from eating pizza and just do this kind of difficult thing. But it's okay because I'm detoxing and I get rewarded by feeling like I'm doing something worthy or I get rewarded by getting relief from the worry that I had about my body and the weight I'd put on and the way my body wasn't functioning as it should. And this is what we do is we do that all the time. Instead if we say what if this was an absolutely just new way of living, a new way of being and what if every single time. Time. It was difficult. Rather than switching back to the old way, I sat with that, I sat in that discomfort for a little bit longer and said to myself, what is it that I can do? What is it that I can do to make this more pleasurable? What is it that I can do to make this easier? What is it that I can do to make sure that this isn't just a one off thing and that I'm not kind of toing and froing on this roller coaster with the way that I eat or the way that I do life, but instead that it's steady and it supports me. We've got loads more questions from you right after these. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station Supporting Women, Women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing Show Supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silent, by stigma or crushed by stereotypes, and who are taking back their power. And together, our mission is a simple one and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate. And you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about. Get in touch@presenterswomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more at nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadiostation. That's WomensRadiostn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. You know what, our jingle always makes me feel just really in the mood for transforming lives. It just makes me think like, yeah, you know what, this is simple. It's direct. We can get into this awesome, great groove and we can just change everything that's not working and we can make better everything that even is already good or already fine. We can make that even better. Every single thought that we have, every single decision that we make, every single piece of action that we take throughout every single day adds up to our life. And I love what Mother Teresa said. She said yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet come. We only have today. Let us begin. So let us begin again. Let's do, let's have another thought. Let's hear from another person who has written in. And by the way, if you want to write in, if you've got a question for something that's going on in your life that you would like to make even better, you can contact me at infoudymaye and I'm the only one that will see your question. And also we edit them. So we take out anything that might make you recognizable to anybody. We take out last names, we take out any distinguishing features like unusual jobs or just anything at all that might enable people to identify you so you're absolutely safe. And who do we have a question from next? Elsworth. So thank you To Anne. Oh, absolutely, yes. And the next question is from Katie, who Cat has said, I'm determined that this year I will find a man and get engaged. Where are the best places for this? None of my friends met their partners on apps or dating sites, but I don't feel like going out to pubs every night. What would you suggest? What would I suggest? Now, what I love about this, Cat, is that you're looking for suggestions because there are so many people who want to change something, and they just keep running their own ideas and the ideas of their immediate friends and family around in their heads, or they keep watching the same shows on TV or listening to the same podcast, getting the same information, expecting a different result. So I love the fact that, first of all, you're asking what it is that I would suggest. I have helped hundreds of people to find the person that they are very, very happily with for the rest of their lives. And so this is one of my favorite things to do is to have a look at that. And what's really interesting to me is that, first of all, you said, I'm determined. What was it exactly, Elspeth? I'm determined to find a man. Determined that this year I will find a man and get engaged. It's the and get engaged bit that has a few red flags going off for me here. Because the thing is that maybe a year isn't long enough for you to get to know someone. What if you meet someone in July? If you still have it, as I must get engaged, how about if you change that to and to get closer to them, to feel safe with them? Because that's what I imagine that you want from being engaged. You don't sound like the kind of person who would want to just, you know, flash a ring around and go, I've done it. I've done it. I'm engaged. I win. But it sounds as if there are certain things that you want and that you think being engaged will give you. I'm not married, but I've been engaged twice, and each time I was very disappointed in the fact that my feelings didn't change. I didn't feel any safer after the initial euphoria. I didn't feel safer. I didn't feel better. I didn't feel like I belonged more. I didn't feel that I was more accepted by the tribe. All the things I thought would happen with the second engagement, the first one didn't work out because we were just too young. I never ended up walking up the aisle. But with the second one, it didn't work out because I really thought that once he was engaged, once he had committed to me that, well, first of all, I thought that an engagement meant a commitment. Often for some people, marriage doesn't even mean commitment. For some people, being married to someone for 50 years doesn't even mean commitment. So it is no guarantee. And so they're not going to change. So the things that you think are going to be changed by being engaged, you've got to change those things first. So Kat, what I would suggest first of all, because you have asked for my suggestions, is to write down how you would like to feel and how you, what you imagine engagement will give you a sense of safety, a sense of security. And only when you can provide that in your life for yourself can you then invite someone who isn't there to rescue you and equally doesn't need to rescue that. Like when people go into things rescuing each other, you kind of bounce around from being the rescuer to being the victim to being. It just really doesn't work. Everybody is being a lesser version of what they could be. So how about if for the first two months you said to yourself, I'm going to become the best me for those two months I'm just going to become the person that he or she, you didn't state what your preference was. But that person, the person that I end up with for the rest of my life, that person would be really, really attracted to this kind of person. And what is that? Someone who's more energized, someone who's more excited about life, somebody who has certain projects on the go, somebody who debt free, what is their standard and spend some time, maybe just six weeks, two months, making sure that you meet that standard in your own life. Also they don't want someone who is desperate for them. Like first of all, initially, if you have a feeling that somebody really needs you and they're going to fall apart without you, you're going to feel smothered. So in order to make sure that when you attract this person that they stay, let's get working on all of those things first and then we can look at great going out and meeting people. But if we just go out and meet people now, we're meeting them from the same place that we're at. And also we're meeting people in places where people who are really living life to the full don't tend to go. People who are like, you know, on fire. They are, I call it building the kingdom. They are, you know, excited for how they can Change this planet. They are learning how to communicate better. They are, you know, just improving themselves. Where is it that they go? So the question that you've asked is, you know, you've said, I don't want to go on apps and dating sites and I also don't want to go on the pub. As if those are the only two options. And often we do that. We say, you know, I want to change this, I want to have a new job, but I don't want to work in this other place that I know would take me. And I also don't want to spend months being unemployed. And we take it as if those were our two options. Like we've got this, this not great thing and this not great thing and we've got to choose between them. I think it was Hunter S. Thompson who, when he was very young, he wrote a letter to a friend of his, and I'm gonna paraphrase here, but he said, you know what, if you have eight different paths, none of them are taking you to where you want to go, then you have to find a ninth path. But most of us don't even wait till we have eight paths. We wait till we've got two and then we've got to choose between those two. So what would be your ninth path? What would be an even better way? And it might take thinking about, okay, well, I could also sign up for classes. Really don't want to do that. I could also, you know, because I've got to meet all these people I'm not interested in in order to meet the one. I could also, you know, ask my friends and family to introduce me to certain single people, but I don't want to do that because. So you might have to cycle through quite a few different options until you find one that feels really good. And the way you're going to know that it feels good to you is if you're already doing things that feel good. So if you're doing things that feel good, if you are working on a project, if you are looking the way you want to look or moving toward that, if you're really doing radical self care every day, taking care of yourself, being focused on yourself, then when things come along that don't feel good, you'll just immediately know that that's not for you. If you have a whole evening where you are excited, you're on fire, you're phoning people, you're gathering information, you are changing your physical environment, your living environment, you are finding out new ways to wear this outfit, like things that feel really good to you as soon as the suggestion to go down the pub comes along and that's not your thing. If it is your thing, that's great. But if it's not your thing, then you're going to know that you're going to have something to compare it to, a feeling to compare it to. If you're just in a numbed out state, a state of yearning, a state of feeling like it's not working out because you haven't been chosen, because you're not in a love relationship, then you don't really have anything to compare it to. You're kind of just wandering from one not good feeling situation to another. So let's really take charge of this and say, what else would be available? Then we can start to look at what other people did. Most people meet the person that they end up with in a place where they're happy to be there anyway. They say things like, oh, it happens when you're not looking. But you know what? If you are underperforming in your own life, if you're not really taking care of your own experience in every moment, then you're always slightly feeling that something's missing. Even if you're not calling that missing piece a love relationship, that's the energy that's going out there and you're going to attract in the wrong person around that. But let's imagine that there is a band that you love that has reformed after 20 years and you go along and you're just on fire for that. And then you're there and you just look at someone else and you're just like, oh my God, isn't this band like the best thing ever? And if you meet someone at that level, when you meet someone at that level now, you know what's going on. Now you have a feeling of, oh, I know that this person is an enthusiast like me. They're not just sitting at home moaning saying, oh, it's not the same, not the same as it used to be. They've all gotten so old, but they're just like, how cool is this? So already you know what someone's values are as well as some of their interests. So let's suppose that you're really interested in neuroscience. You go to a neuroscience convention, you're going to meet someone who is very happy and to stay home and read. Let's say the likelihood is much, much higher that you're going to meet someone who's happy to stay home and read. Chances are that's what you like as well. So don't ask yourself where are there bigger amounts of people Niche. It say to yourself, where do I want to go? And if I want to go there, chances are the kind of person that I want to be with will be there too. If you're an early morning person, you know, go and do your looking around and meeting new people in the early morning. Go to early morning seminars or early trips to the art gallery. Have breakfast in the same place every day and start to, you'll start to find and see those early morning people. So I know it's a cliche to say you gotta work on yourself first, but we're now very specific about it, Kat. We now know exactly why it is that we're doing it and all these options that are open to you. So it's gonna feel fun. It's gonna feel amazing right up until including and after you meeting this person. All right, so today we are making sure that 2020 is your breakthrough year. Do write in to us infoudymay TV. That's J U D Y M A Y TV. We've got more right after these welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk hi, Carolyn Van Beers here from Mother's Hour. Please do check out my latest show, the Menopause with Meg Matthews. We talk about perimenopause, the symptoms and most importantly, what treatments are out there to help you physically and mentally get through this very challenging time in your life. Just click on my Mother's Hour page on the website to download the podcast now. It's an amazing, informative and empowering show to help you get the menopause sorted. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntousous.org.uk welcome to the women's Radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a Show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's wellbeing. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. Oscar Wilde said that that's not bad. And it just sort of reminds me of what we were talking about with cats that, you know, in order to attract someone in, we've got to, we've got to show them how to do it. I love the phrase we train people how to treat us. So if we are, you know, ignoring ourselves and, you know, doing ourselves down well, then we're letting everybody know that this is my expectation for how I am treated. But if we send out an expectation of, you know what, I speak well to and about myself, I look after myself, I make sure that I've got really great life going on. People are going to know that that is the standard I've had people say to me, men say to me over the years things like, oh, I could never date you, you're too high maintenance. And I'll say to them, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And you know what? Right now it's just me that's doing all the maintaining, so that's okay. And you know, as soon as someone comes along who, you know, wants to join in with that, then that's really great. So it acts as a filter for people who aren't ready to live there life in the way that you want to live it. Very often, particularly as women, we kind of panic a bit and we sort of downgrade our expectations for how somebody else shows up. But the best way that we can signal to someone that this is my expectation for how you're going to show up in the world is how we show up for ourselves. So, Elspeth, what's our next question? So the next question is from Simone. He has said, no matter what I do, I can only make enough money to get by. I'm going crazy for at least six years. I put make more money as my goal for the year. I'm a big fan of dream boards and I have had all these luxurious things of mine on there for years and it's just getting depressing to look at. Am I doomed to always just scrape by? Am I doomed to always just scrape by? Simone, is that a woman's name? I did just say man's, but that's because the only Simone I know is a boy. Oh, really? It could be everybody. Everybody is welcome here at women's radio station. Everybody is welcome here. Judy Mae is listening. So, Simone, so what you're saying is, am I doomed to always just scrape by? We've got to be really careful of the kind of questions that we are asking ourselves, because the questions that we ask ourselves, either out loud, consciously or unconsciously, are the questions that our brain is coming up with an answer to, or we're coming up with an answer to a similar question. So when we're asking am I doomed? Your brain will just do this search and you'll be looking for examp proof that you are somehow doomed. You'll be looking for how it doesn't work, rather than creating pictures of it working. And when you've got pictures of it working, pictures of things going well, pictures of breakthroughs, pictures of meeting the right people, pictures of having the right ideas and being able to bring them to the right people and be able to follow through, being able to bring staff on board, being able to bring community on board, when you've got those pictures going on, that's when things start to happen. So the very first thing that you were saying was that you can only make enough money to get by. That was the thing that I caught. That you can only make enough money to get by. Well, the thing is that you maybe have just told your brain that that's the only thing that you need to do. Because if you think about it, that amount has probably changed. It changes for everybody. There are some people who, no matter what circumstances they're in, what size of a house they're living in, you know, when they were, when they were a student living in, you know, a studio apartment or an apartment with 20 different people, they were still kind of just always a little bit short on the rent. And now that they are, you know, living in a multi million dollar mansion, they're always just still a little bit short. So really that's about what is your standard, how have you sort of set the gauge on that? What is it that you demand of yourself? And so I'm imagining that this is a habit that you picked up maybe from your family of origin, that maybe that was something that they did. And perhaps if you get extra money, notice what happens if you, anytime you do get extra money, is there a discomfort there? And the discomfort usually comes from the fact that that money doesn't have a place. A lot of people have this, what we call a race to zero. So, you know, if they're sort of getting by, getting by, getting by, suddenly they, you know, win something on a lottery or they get a windfall for some reason and they get say £10,000. Suddenly that £10,000 is spent on things that they really don't need just because they're not comfortable with that 10,000 sitting there. I know a family member who inherited something when an aunt died. And what he did was he went out and he bought himself mountain climbing equipment and then left that in his back garden and it was stolen. And he didn't seem to mind that all this thousands of pounds worth of mountain climbing equipment was stolen. And it was like he had gone back to his safe place. His safe place was that he'd only had enough to squeak by. So have a little look at that and then design out, what are you going to do with that extra money? Because if the brain doesn't believe that there's any big reason to do it, then it won't do it. So it might be something like, you know what, I really want to go and make a documentary film in wherever, Mongolia. And then when you go and you find out, okay, it's going to cost me this much in flights, it's going to cost me this much in hotels, it's going to cost me this much in tour guide and jeeps, it's going to cost me this much in renting equipment, it's going to cost me this much in insurance, it's going to cost me this much for food, whatever it is, you've got it all detailed out and then you're like, oh, my goodness, this just one week trip is going to cost me £5,000. Fantastic. Now your brain has got something to work on. But if it's just same old, same old, then your brain doesn't get excited about making new money. And if we're not excited about something, we're not going to give it that extra attention, extra focus that it needs. It's not about loads more hours. That's another thing, another reason that we shy away from making more money and is because we think if we're getting paid by the hour, that it's always going to be that way. That if we, you know, want to make twice as much money, we had to work twice as long. And, hey, we're exhausted already, so we're not going to go there. But if we just stay focused, if we say, you know what, I don't have my answer yet. Let me stay another five minutes and work out what it is. I remember one time I realized that I didn't own a donkey. Now, that may seem like a really strange problem to have, but this was my problem, was that I didn't own a donkey. And the reason that this was such a big problem was because 10 years previously I had done my first vision board and I had put on there a horse. Five years later, one of my publishers offered me a horse. He used his wealth that he built from the publishing company to buy racehorses. And he had this racehorse they had high hopes for, but the racehorse wasn't doing well and was going to be taken away and goodness knows what was going to happen to this poor horse. But then I realized when he offered me the horse, I realized, oh, you know what, I don't actually want a horse. I don't want to have to be there every single day and I don't want to, you know, have to pay the money for livery. I just, wow. I actually don't want a horse. Even though that had been on the vision board. So I changed and I said, you know what I'd love to do? I would love to rescue a donkey. I've always loved donkeys. Remember that Ladybird book? Those of you who grew up in the countries where ladybug bird books were around, there's one called, I think was Ned the Donkey. And I loved that. And we had a donkey near us in fields. I grew up around Heston outside London, till I was eight. And there was this this lane, this little area that had a donkey. So I just said, you know what? Yes, I really, really want that. I really want a donkey. And then I was giving a talk at an, I was at an event and so I had a huge room full of people and somebody asked me the question, do you have anything that is on your to do list long term that you haven't done? And I thought about it and that was the first thing that came to mind. Yeah, you know what, it's an embarrassing number of years since I've been telling myself that this year I'm going to rescue a donkey. So the very next morning I sat at the desk in the hotel room and I said to myself, you're not allowed to stand up, you're not allowed to do anything. You're not allowed to get yourself a cup of tea, you're not allowed to use the bathroom, you're not allowed answer the door. You're not allowed to do anything until you have a donkey. And for the first half hour I was sitting there going, well, I travel all around the world. I, you know, I don't have anywhere to put it right now. I don't, you know, I live in the city, I don't have a garden, I just have a balcony. You can't have a donkey, donkey on a balcony. That wouldn't be fair. And so my brain did everything that, every reason it came up with, every reason why it wouldn't work. So sometimes you've got to do that. Sometimes you've got to, on your projects and plans, you've got to look at, you know, okay, why do I believe it won't work? Okay, and acknowledge those things and those things are correct. But we can have loads and loads of reasons why it won't work. We just need one reason why it will work, one way that might work and we go and we make that happen. So as I was sitting there, I got really, really bored. But the rule was I wasn't allowed to stand up until I had a donkey. And I suddenly remembered that a couple years previously I had been a guest, a speaker on a farm in Ireland called Causey Farm, run by an amazing woman called Deirdre Myrta. And Deirdre I love, because she turned it around. She said, right, we're not going to be able, we're not able to sustain the farm just with our farming practices. So what we're going to do instead is we are going to start to attract in American tourists and hen parties and we're going to, you know, have you Know, a very idyllic kind of farmyard and we're going to have people coming in doing self help events. And I had been part of that. And it was so beautiful. I seemed to remember she already had a donkey. Most people would then say, oh, she doesn't need a donkey. She's got one already. I just thought, why not too? I phoned her up and she just says, oh, Judy Mae, you know what? Our donkey is really, really old. We've been thinking about getting another donkey. I said, fantastic. Would you let me find the donkey, fund the donkey and then it will be my donkey that lives with you? She said, sounds like a great plan. I couldn't believe it. I then sat there thinking, okay, I'm halfway to having my donkey. I looked at, there was an Irish sort of rescue center. I phoned them, they said, oh, fantastic, great. We've got the ideal donkey for you. I didn't have to do anything. They said, no, no, we'll get the donkey to the farm. And then I was back in Ireland for Christmas and my niece was about maybe 10 years old at the time. And her challenge was that she had never had a pet because they live in the center of Paris and it's too small. She's not allowed to have a pet. So I thought, oh, I can see, I can see a way to for a double win here. So the donkey was already in place. I already had my donkey. And so I decided that it was gonna be her Christmas present. And we went along and we did the causey farm Christmas experience with the kids. And then it was so interesting because the one animal that she really bonded with out of the dozens of gorgeous animals was her own donkey. And then we had a great time over Christmas naming the donkey. I wanted to call it wonky the donkey, but she wasn't up for that. So it's now called lady and living happily on this farm. So we've got to have something that our brain believes in and that our brain is excited about. That is the same for donkeys, it's the same for money. So we'll talk much more about this right after these. Welcome to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to love lessons live on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things Autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing show supporting women's wellbeing. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you, who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes and who are taking back their power. And together our mission is a simple one and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show. Get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch at presenters@womensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the partners postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter imminsradio station that's Women's Radio Stn or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen, and together we transform everything. I'm Judy Mae Murphy, and I'm here with you on your show. This is the show where we listen to what's going on with you and we make sure that you have practical steps, things that you get to do that you get to work on in your day. If you're new to us, welcome. If you've been with us for a while, welcome back. And I'd like to say that we've got to make sure that this show, if you're finding it you and you know, that you feel better and you feel more empowered after watching it, make sure it's part of your routine, that it's not just every now and then. So if you're listening live, as you know, we are coming to you live from our beautiful little studio in Covent Garden, noon on Mondays, every single Monday. We had a little bit of a break for the holidays, and now we're back noon on Mondays. And if that isn't available to you, maybe because you're at work or you're on the road or something, then have a look at setting up a time for yourself that you just schedule. You know what? That's my time. I sit and I eat a great meal and, you know, maybe get together with a bunch of girlfriends and listen to the show together and discuss it and get in contact and let us know what your experience is. Let us know what you'd like more of. Let us know what you feel isn't working for you. Let us know who you'd like to have in studio. Oh, my goodness. We have some really amazing people coming up in studio. Myself and Elspeth met up over the holidays, and we. We just said, right. We're just taking that to an even higher level. So we're bringing back the people who you have asked to hear from again because they were such favorites of yours and of ours. And also we have some really interesting new people, people who are doing extraordinary things. And that's the standard here on this show. It's not about just reassuring each other and saying kind of like, oh, you'll be okay. Oh, it's okay. Everybody feels that it's about that, but it's really about. And where do we go from there? Once we're reassured that we're safe, once we know that all is good, where is it that we go from there? I think that Jim Rohn said, the late, great Jim Rohn, he said, learning is the beginning of wealth. Learning is the beginning of health learning is the beginning of spirituality. Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins. So please do make Judy Mae is listening. Part of your searching process, part of you getting on board. New and different ideas, new and better ways to do things in your life, because you're not helpless. You're not sitting there waiting for the world to get better and then your life can get better. You are active in your own rescue if you need a rescue. You are active in your own kingdom building if you're having fun building the kingdom. So right before this, we were talking about a lot of things during this little ad break, one of them being the most disappointing gifts that we got during the Christmas. And I just love Elspeth's brother, Hamish. I've heard so much about him. I haven't met him yet, but I just absolutely adore the way he can be so enthusiastic and get it so wrong when it comes to gifts. Because I think on the show you shared before about Hamish buying your mum a picture of a ship and not understanding why she wasn't, like, falling over with gratitude. What did Hamish get you this year? Well. Well, it's not unexpected. A bad gift from him, but he was very happy with himself. He got me this kind of bum bag that's from a market that was meant to be, like, Nepal. I think it was a Nepalese kind of market kind of market. And it was all woven and stuff, but, by God, was it ugly. Like, oh, my goodness. You know, I used to live in Nepal. I used to live in Kathmandu for six months. It was supposed to be a year. I'll tell you that story someday. I'll tell you all that story someday. It's pretty exciting. Ended up with me living in Moscow airport for five days, but another day. But I know exactly the kind of bags you're talking about. Some of them are absolutely lovely and beautiful. But this was not. This was the unfortunate one in the litter. This was, yes, the unfortunate one off the litter. And it was gifted to me. And I just looked at it. I was like, okay. Classic Hamish. I've kept every single one of his presents because I find it very funny and endearing. And you find a place for them. I find a place for them, but they do not leave my apartment. I love the fact that you guys have such a great relationship that you don't try and pretend that you love it either. You just don't tell him. Yeah, exactly. I think he knew beforehand. But what's really funny is you are so stylish. Like, you've got a very classic style. And to think that you would light up at this more rustic offering. I thought that was very funny. Let's get back to what. Let's actually go back to what Simone was saying. Is it Simone or Simone? I think it's Simone and not Simone. I'm just used to seeing it written on text messages from a friend. Simone. Simone. It's spelt the same way, but I'm double guessing myself. Good. So if you have a name that you think that because I'm Irish and because Elspeth is English, we might not be able to pronounce, maybe just give us a little kind of handy dandy tip. Because we do want to get your names right. Because that is. That is important to us. You are important to us. I understand. What's the name? Like? Elspeth. Elspeth, of course, yes. You even told me that your grandmother used to call you Elizabeth. Elizabeth. For the longest time. It's the bane of my life. Absolutely extraordinary. And sometimes people do that. You know, sometimes people do it because they're trying to signal to you that you're not as important as you think you are. And sometimes they do it because they really want to actively show you that they are in control. Yeah, maybe, you know, she couldn't get Elspeth. Yeah, but. But I think that. I think that if people care to, they can. I don't mind if someone messes up Judy Mae and they end up, you know, just using half of it and saying Judy. And I go in again and I say, it's actually Judy Mae as my first name. It's a full. It's like a double barrel first name. And they go, oh, is it hyphenated? Nope, it's just written J U D Y M A Y. And eventually they'll get it if they want to. But if people don't want to, they won't. And they'll end up. I'll end up being called Julie, I'll end up being called Marianne, I'll be. End up being up being called everything. But that's great because that signals to you who's paying attention and who cares. So true. You know, I've got. I've got these relatives who, when I was younger, they didn't bother to learn which was which with me and my sister. They just, you know, called us both whatever they decided. And again, it's a signal when someone tells you who they are, believe them. And often we try to think, oh, it's because they're older or it's because they haven't heard that name before, or it's because they come from a different culture. That's no excuse. I realize that there are some names I struggle with because of the culture I come from. So if someone comes along and they got a Chinese name and they say it to me, I listen to the intonation because I've learned that intonation really matters with Chinese words and names. And they'll go, oh, oh, you got it right. Most people say it wrong. So, you know, let's. Let's be precise about how we're living this year. Let's get curious and be precise. So in the middle, Simone said something about a dream board. What was that? Yes. They said, I am a big fan of dream boards, and I have had all these luxurious things on mine of mine on there for years, but now I'm getting depressed to look at it. Okay, so let's look at this. This is the perfect time of year to look at dream boards. Dream boards are where you are visually exciting yourself for the next level. You're saying to yourself, this is the reason why I'm doing this. This is the reason why I'm getting really fit. This is the reason why I'm getting healthy. This is the reason why I'm changing my default emotional state from being just a little bit moany and a little bit positive to being just full on. I'm making this happen. That is what a dream board does. It pulls you towards it. It reminds you why you're doing that. This. Now, if your dream board is full of things that you don't really want but you think you need to have, then you're not gonna. It's not gonna be able to do its job. Because if you don't really want a sports car and there's a sports car on there, or you don't really want a horse and there's a horse on there, as I found out for both of those things. In fact, one of my first dream boards had a. Oh, I can't remember the name of the car. It was like one of these, like, fancy, classic little cars. And then it had a horse on there. And I realized I don't particularly like that car. I don't. I found out I didn't want a horse when one was offered to me. Okay, but what else? The horse did its job on the dream board. I was excited about it until I found out that it wasn't for me. So that is the job of your dream board. Ask yourself, is your dream board something that you actually Want or are you other things on there that you think would finally make your father proud of you or finally make your mother stop comparing you to your sister? Or, like, what are you trying. Are you trying to make your dream board do something that a dream board can't do and, in fact, that you can't do in life? We can't make anybody approve of us. We can't pretzel ourselves into a version of ourselves that will be okay for everybody else. And we're not supposed to. And people aren't supposed to do that for us either. So this is what we need to do with our dream boards is say, does it really bring me joy? Do I really, really love it? And I always say that nobody ever had a difficulty buying the ski chalet once they had the money and once they had found the ski chalet. So ski chalets are not really what we need a dream board for on a daily basis. So make sure there's a few pictures in there of you enjoying yourself with working. So if you've just got an image of work as being stressful and you're in a dark little room and it doesn't feel good and you're around people that aren't supportive of you, well, then imagine you're not going to get excited about work, but imagine your next level of your business, for example. So you didn't tell a Simone what it is that you do for a living. But I'm just imagining if you do something like maybe you buy and sell things on Amazon, something like that, then can you have a picture of an even nicer room to sit in? Can you have a picture of the computer that you're going to get next? When you get to that next level, can you get a picture of two people happily working together if your next stage is that you want to have some staff? So find out, you know, go into your brain, have a little think about what would be if I had to just put working things on the dream board, not just reward stuff, but working things, what would that be? Oh, look at that. A lovely view. Gosh. Then your brain goes, how can I get that right now? How can I? Even before I can afford the ski chalet or even before I can pay off my mortgage, how can I get a better view? And it might be just going into the people that you rent an office from and saying, do you have anything higher up? And going and having a look at that. And it might be even more ideal. So this is what we want to do, is we want to just stay curious rather than dutiful. It sounds to money as if you were really being dutiful every year and you were just kind of, you know, maybe hitting your head against a brick wall rather than saying, how can I make this even more fun? How can I bring in even more people? What would be an even better way to do this? So a better quality of question and making sure then that you're answering the question so you're not saying to yourself, how can I get a better view? And then you end up saying, oh, I can get a cheaper view over here. It's not the same question. So make sure that you're asking a really high quality question and you're answering that same question. I know we have another question, but we've actually run out of time for today. So thank you so much for being here on our 2020 Breakthrough Call on our 2020 Breakthrough show here on Judy Mae is listening. We're still listening to you. We've got an amazing guest next week and we're also going to be taking time at the top of every show to answer your questions. So do send them in from myself, from Elspeth and all the team here at WRS Women's Radio station Supporting Women's well being. See you soon. Welcome to the Women's Radio station Supporting Women's well being. Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's check your future together. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer. Explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business now. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk hi, Carolyn Van Beers here from Mother's Hour. Please do check out my latest show, the Menopause with Meg Matthews. We talk about perimenopause, the symptoms and most importantly, what treatments are out there to help you physically and mentally get through this very challenging time in your life. Just just click on my Mother's Hour page on the website to download the podcast now. It's an amazing, informative and empowering show to help you get the menopause sorted. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity, helping people struggling to make ends meet. 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