Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome. This is Judy Mae Murphy. You are listening to women's radio station supporting women's well being. And what we're going to be talking about today is part of well being that can stop us from feeling good in our day. Feeling good. Like last week we were talking about glitchy. How do we stop it when something is kind of glitchy? Well, today we're going to be changing tacts slightly. We're going to be talking about how to make your day absolutely incredible. By making sure that you take care of just doing consistently the things that make you feel good. Now, I got to put my hand in the air that for years and years and years, for me, consistency was a problem. And I found anytime that I wanted to do something, I would start out with really, really great intentions and then I would completely drop it. It just wouldn't be happening after a while. And somebody asked me this really good question. They said, what is it that you do do consistently? Because everybody has something that they do consistently. Now, for some people, they might be discounting it because it might be something like, you know what, I watch TV for three hours every day, or for someone else it might be, well, I sit around and laugh with my friends. And when we take that, it's like, well, what about that makes it so, so easy for us to do over and over and over again? Now, being an introvert, I could not find it easy. I could not consistently meet up with people and chat with them every single day. I just, I'd go bananas. I really wouldn't be able to handle that. So there are clues in what you already do consistently as to how you can set up the rest of your life so that the things that you're consistently doing are things that bring you joy, things that feel amazing to you. Coming up after the break, we have an incredible guest friend of the show, Lana Citron. She's been with us a couple of times now. And a thing I really love about Lana, not just that she's an incredible writer, but also that she's someone who I see as effortlessly consistent. And so she might or might not agree with that. So we're gonna be chatting about that after the break and how it is that we can make sure that in our day that we are showing up for ourselves and showing up for the people that we love in a way that people, particularly ourselves, aren't feeling like we're suddenly dropped, we're suddenly just pushed off the cliff because somebody didn't feel like showing up for us today. And we're going to start off with a note that we had in. This is from Maria in London. And she said, consistency is a problem for me. I'll do something for a month to set up a habit and then six weeks after that I stop doing it. Then I don't even try again for like a year or something. I'm driving myself crazy. Okay, so the thing I find really interesting about this, Maria, is this idea about setting up a habit. It's out there in the world that it takes, and anyone will tell you, from 7 days to 11 days to 1 month to 75 days to set up a habit. What we have to understand is it's not as clear cut as that depending on whether something is pleasurable to you, depending on whether or not you have a skill set or just a natural tendency around it that can make it either harder or easier for something to stick. So, for example, for me, a reading habit is very, very easy because I like solitary activities, I like ideas. So it was really easy for me as a child to build a really great reading habit that I still have to this day. For somebody who is more about people and is more about getting outside, it will be harder for them to build a reading habit. And also this idea that the old way kind of just disappears and the new way is now your new habit. This is the new. You can make a lot of people feel disappointed when they go back to the old way. We know from neuroscience that it's not that the old way disappears from your brain, it just isn't as used. It's kind of like if you think of it as a pathway and you're trying to create a new habit, and that's like trying to open a new pathway. And at first there's all these different trees and twigs and bushes and all kinds of stones and things in the way. And you have to clear it, you've got to do it daily. And you got to go in again and again and again. And then after a while it becomes clearer, becomes easier to walk down that pathway. However, all you have to do is just be reminded about the new pathway. Sorry, about the old pathway. And you'll remember that that was open to you before. And you can switch tracks and you can go back to old ways of doing things quite easily when you stop doing it in the new way. So really, Maria, I'd say don't give yourself such A hard time when you find after a certain amount of time, it doesn't stick. The other reason that things stick is if they're pleasurable to us. So often we try to be consistent, but it's in a very, very dutiful way. It's in a way of I will go to the gym every day now, if someone says that to me, and clients often do, they'll sort of say, yes, I've started going to the gym and I'm like, I wonder how many days or minutes that's going to last. Because if it's not pleasurable, you're not going to actively seek it out. And there are some days where you just don't want to do the dutif. Maybe you haven't got much sleep the night before. Maybe someone in work has been absolutely horrifically horrible to you. Maybe, you know, there's a ton of different things that could happen, which makes you less likely to be strong enough to do the dutiful thing, in which case the only thing that's going to get you through is the pleasurable thing. So I would say work out a way to do the things you consistently want to do in a way that they feel really good in a way that they are really, really pleasurable. So. So an example of that might be something like that you could, rather than just going to the gym, is it that you want to tango? Is it that you want to just go for walks with people? Is it that you would love to take like 50 dogs for a walk all at the same time and make a video about it? You know, try and do it in a non dutiful way so that it feels really, really good to you. And then that way it's much, much easier to be consistent. Now, the reason that I never had kids was because I know that are pretty much a daily thing. They need to be fed more than once a week. And so it's the same reason I don't have pets either. This show is actually pretty much my only weekly commitment that I have. And there have been times where I've struggled with that. I've been like, what do you mean I can't just stay in Paris? What do you mean? I've got to be back for something. But the reason that I never had kids was because I understood that. So don't try and be consistent in something. Don't try and adopt something because you think that you should be doing. You know, there are a lot of people who, you know, think that there's a sort of a blueprint a way that you, that you need to be showing up. Now, having said that, we're not using it as an excuse to avoid our responsibilities. There are certain boxes you have to tick. You've got to make sure that you're bringing in your money, that you are being inoffensive to people, hopefully that you are serving people in some way. You got to make sure that you are. You got to make sure that you're also, you know, having fun. There's a whole bunch of things that you got to make sure of. So with doing that, that's when you can start to train yourself to be more consistent, to ask yourself, well, what is it about this? Is it that it doesn't need to be done? And a part of my brain knows that already. Is it that I just don't want to do it? And my brain knows that already. Is it that it's just not my forte and I need a little bit more support around it. So rather than just saying to yourself, I tried this, I created a new habit, it didn't work. I am broken. Instead, let's get a new narrative around this. A narrative of, you know, well, you know, is it necessary? Do I actually want to do it? Is there another way around it? Because really the one skill that you need to have consistently is curiosity, is just showing up in a state of curiosity. You know, what is it that's going on today? Why do I feel like this? Why is it that this is happening and knowing that is going to just make it so it's harder for you to kind of beat yourself up over not doing something that you thought, thought you had created as a habit. Another thing is a lot of people don't realize that in order to create a habit we really need to get chemicals going, like not just dopamine and adrenaline and things like that, but things like brain derived neurotropic factor and fun stuff like that that kind of makes it stick that we'll find in the laying down of memories and all that kind of fun stuff. And if you're not just juiced enough, the body and the brain are not going to pay attention. And very often people aren't that they're trying to, you know, be consistent in a way that is just very, very dull to their entire being. You're not getting a buzz from it in any way. Not getting a brain buzz, you're not getting a body buzz. So why would your brain do something that isn't giving it any kind of reward? We've got all these like amazing reward pathways in our brain that unfortunately, so many people haven't learned how to really harness that. And so they have to turn to outside sources in order to get their buzz. But really the super fun thing is if you can just say to yourself, right, that's what I'm going to do every single day. I'm going to show up excited, I'm going to show up curious, I'm going to show up creative, and I'm going to make this happen. And if on a particular day you don't feel like running down the road, what could you feel like? Could you feel like rollerblading? Could you feel like dancing? Could you feel like that's kind of my go to is just I put on Dance around the Kitchen. That's been my go to for at least 20 years. And you can actually do that in a way that means you don't need to go to a class or you don't need to go to the gym. So, Maria, what I would say to you is, again, don't be so tough on yourself, thinking that somehow you dutifully did it and it was set and then it didn't work. And so somehow you don't work or life doesn't work, or I don't know exactly what meaning you're giving it. It's very, very different. Because the reason then that you don't try it, you say, I don't try it, like for a year or something. Well, the reason that you don't try it for a year is why would you. Your brain doesn't believe that it's going to work this time. Why on earth would it try to bring you into failure? It's kind of saying to you, don't bother. It's trying to protect you, saying, stay indoors. You'll only get hurt if you get out there. So that idea you have where you don't even try it again for a year, and somehow that's another failing. It really isn't. That's your brain trying to protect you. It's your brain doing its job properly. So all you got to do is start talking back to your brain and saying, yeah, thanks for looking after me. But you know what? This time it's going to be different, and here's why. And that's where we sit down. That's where we get really, really creative. So have a little think about, you know, what areas of your life could it be useful to you to be more consistent in? Because, you know, it's not just about doing what you feel like, you know, we've all got to do some adulting here. And so maybe if you do work out more consistently or maybe if do pay attention to your finances more consistently or get out there and meet new people more than once a year at Christmas or whatever that is for you, then your life could be brought to another level. And that's what we want for you. That's what we want for you here on Judy May's Listening on wrs. We want for your life to be utterly transformed. So thank you to everyone who shares and we're going to have a little more, a lot more in fact with Lana Citroen coming up right after these. See you soon. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Falguni Desai of Action Coach. Are you a business owner with more than five employees? Do you want to grow your business? I'm a London based business coach who helps small and medium sized businesses to grow and make a profit. I will help you identify the strengths and weaknesses in your business and then work with you to improve it using a structured framework. To find out more, contact me on 072-16-54640 and book your one hour complimentary one to one coaching session. Thank you. Hi, I'm Tracey Weeden of Brownhill Insurance Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal household, high net worth and fine art. You can contact us on 0208-658-4334 or visit our website www.brownhillgroup.co.uk for your free no obligation quotation at Brownhills. We've got you covered. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show. Get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts. Theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com. join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing on specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being, women's radio sessions, creating a global network for the empowerment of women, and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadio station, that's WomensRadiostn or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. And welcome back. This is Judy Mae Murphy and I'm joined in studio today by friend of the show, Lana Citron. Many of you know her as a writer, not just a broadcaster. And we were just. We've been having so much fun here in studio today because I don't know if you heard a few little sound effects or fun gurgly sound effects beforehand. That was Lana's stomach, just like I'm morphed. And I did have her permission to say this. I'm not just outing her. Happens to us all. I was just trying to communicate to you through my body, trying to join in. I love that. But actually it made me think of something because I do sort of have this thing where, you know, I'm not good at consistency, but one thing I do really, really well every single day. And Elspeth knows this because she's seen me do this. I do breakfast brilliantly. I will always not just have breakfast, but have, like exactly what I want and have it gorgeous. And if it's not right, I will. I'm, you know, I'm very blessed that I have people making it for me and I will send it back and I will get it till it's just right. And if there's something else that I want, I'll get that. Like today I wanted something extra and I wanted a hot almond milk with some cinnamon on it and a little bit of agave nectar. And I got it. And that consists every single day I show up for breakfast. But I would too if someone was making it for me. There we go. Almond milk and cinnamon. Oh, I'd be there. Might come tomorrow. And you're more than welcome. Thank you. So the thing that I really marvel at when I look at your life, Lana, because we've known each other for a long time, like over 30 years now. And you have always shown up very consistently. Particularly because you now you have two sons. One is. Gosh, is he 20 now? Yeah. Okay, let's just take a deep breath on that. So we've got one son who's 20 and the other son who is, don't even tell me, like five. Six. Six. Okay. Time passes. And with kids, you know, as I was saying before the break, they are a daily thing. Is it easier when, you know, you don't have the option of not showing up? Is it easier? Does that make it. Being locked into it, does that make consistency easier? Or the fact that they're your kids and you love them, does that make it easier? Because I'm just sitting here thinking I'm in awe of all parents. I just do not know how you do it. Well, it's just a built in daily routine. So if I was left to my own devices, I just wouldn't, probably wouldn't bother getting up. I'd probably spend all of winter in hibernation and then just kind of wake up around springtime and then party all spring, summer until the end of autumn. So what is. Yes, it's like a built in framework for life. And I think everyone needs some sort of framework, whether it's faith that you know a lot of people who are interested, religious, so they have it built in whether it's seasons that you follow the seasons or something more esoteric. But I think you, it helps, it all helps to keep one going and moving. Just have a framework to daily routines. Because that's what they say if people are used to working in the corporate world and suddenly they're made unemployed or when people retire or if people suddenly find themselves on their own through death or people moving away, that it can be very, very stressful. And I guess, you know, that, that consistency that we all need kind of falls apart because goodness knows we've lost it in, in modern life with a lot of things like you used to just get up with the sun and go to bed when the sun went to bed. And we've lost a lot of those more natural elements of routine. You used to, you know, Eat what was local. And you used to just have to be more responsive to what was going on around you. And the routine was built in that way. But now we do often have to create our own consistencies. And that, I think, brings a lot of unhappiness in a way, or a lot of people wanting to search for something to replace that. I think rituals in life, traditions in life. I guess communal living and community is very important. And the more I've experienced life, I can see the importance it does have for everybody because it gives you a. You were talking about paths, it gives you this path forward, it gives you direction. If you take away framework completely, suddenly you have what you might perceive as freedom or, or as free fall. And you haven't got a clue what to do. And you're grasping for different things to try and do. Absolutely. And in fact, there's a really great book from, I think the 1940s about that by the psychologist Erich Fromm, F R O M M and it's called Escape from Freedom. And it was, you know, it's around that idea that, you know, too much, just too much freedom isn't good for us, that we at least have to know what it is we want to put into a day, what it is we want to. To achieve, what we want to make happen. Exactly. I think people really thrive on boundaries. Well, children do. This is really, you know, they thrive. They need to know. If you're raising a young child, they need to know or very quickly learn what their boundaries are. And they love pattern. Actually, humans love patterns. We react to patterns. Everything is a pattern, like from plants, from, you know, if you start looking around the world, everything is in a. In a pattern, dance steps, everything, the pattern of. Or the rhythm of music. Everything has a rhythm to it or some sort of sequence, numbers, math. You know, you can look at any area of life and, and those things that we, those things that we go to in order to take care of ourselves, they all have that kind of quality, that quality of rhythm. And ritual is a rhythm. Ritual is, you know, you show up again and again, whether that is once a year, once every 10 years, or once every 10 minutes for some people, like if they're, you know, having a coffee every 10 minutes or whatever. So, yeah, that's pretty important. I think it's interesting when you were talking about being inconsistent with one's life or in one's life, what I understood that to be would be someone who is going from one, maybe lifestyle to another. They're trying all different kinds of but it seems this inconsistency is that they can't settle within themselves. So like this frequent searching to, I suppose in one way perhaps find a balance within their own self. So it doesn't matter, you know, if you go to the other end of the world, whatever problems you have on your shoulders, you won't have left them back in Heathrow. They'll still be there, you know, wherever you are. So it's kind of like, oh, I spent a good decade learning that one. My life will not be solved in Hollywood. There you go. But yeah, absolutely, that it does. We do need to look internally for that. What would you say is, do you have any tricks or ideas for what would be a good way? If people are just finding the day to day family life a little bit too much, they need to escape it for a while. They need to just breathe and try something different for a while. How do you handle that when you can't do it? Just accepting the reality that most people's daily routines can be very boring and humdrum and it's like focusing on the very small things that make life so beautiful. For instance, you know, I love, and I'm sure I've said it before, just when I'm walking down the road with my son and he slips his hand in mine and we continue walking hand in hand and I know that this isn't going to happen, you know, very long. It's a certain phase in one's life or reading a story to him or reading something together. So yes, he had been given homework for the weekend and part of the homework was to do something you've never done before. Sounds like the homework I give. Yeah. What have you never done before? It's so exciting. Anyway, we ended up at a little kind of fete. It was at Primrose Hill in London and there was this roller skating rink. He'd never done that before ever. So he puts on the roller skates. I used to do that as a kid in Dublin. Do you remember the Top Hat out in Dunnary? I do indeed. I couldn't roller skate. I never roller skated though. But I remember going to the Top Hat and looking at everybody. How sad is that? You were one of the ones that I was there. Oh. So I probably, without even knowing it, I probably was staring at you going, I wish I was that girl. Anyway, it was fantastic and I was like so scared of doing this thing that I used to do as a kid. I mean, it must be how many years. I didn't even want to go There. Right. Since I'd actually put on some roller skates and yeah, there I am. It's about, you know, Consistent in what? Because it doesn't have to be consistent in, you know, just showing up for the mundane, but consistent in exploring adventuring. Exactly. Consistent in, you know, finding really great things to appreciate in the small. And I know that when you came on and you talked to us about your book, the Aphrodisiac book, remind me of the exact edible pleasures. Yes. You know, that you just were, you completely sort of brought us into that just tiny taste and how there can be like a whole universe in that single bite of something delicious. Yeah, it is, it's appreciating like, and looking at something specifically instead of like floundering all over the place where I gotta have more, I gotta have more, I gotta want more. Actually sitting and looking at what you have and enjoying that moment and fully experiencing, I suppose, each moment. You know, how you go to a concert, now everyone's videoing the experience as opposed to just being in the experience. Oh, completely. And there are so many people. I mean, I mean, I'm blessed in my life that I get to meet all kinds of people. And I do find that a lot of the people who are making the seriously big money sort of, you know, selling their companies for billions. Those, those kind of people that they, they do have consistency, but it's the same kind of consistency and it's just, it's going along one track all the time and they're not able to sort of, you know, break out and they're not really living in their own world and it's a little bit sad. Not that we need to feel sorry for them, but, but you know, I think that it's very easy for us to tell ourselves a story about somehow our life being less than. And this is something we're going to talk about after the break. Let's talk a little bit more about how consistency can help us to really get the most out of our lives, how we can really enjoy it from moment to moment. You're also talking about the mundane things in life. Absolutely. Yeah. We'll go there right after these. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. 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We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programmes, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Welcome. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Oh, my goodness, I wish that you could be here during the breaks because we just keep chatting. We really do. And we Come up with all kinds of ideas and tell little stories. And then I'll usually go, hold that, hold that thought. We got to share that one. We got to tell them all about that. So I think that it's really important that we don't mistake. Mistake being consistent for consistently staying within our comfort zone. Lana just brought up the phrase comfort zone there. And it's something that in my industry, many of you know, I'm an international motivational speaker. And it's one of those things that we don't even question it. It's almost like everyone accepts that you have to get outside of your comfort zone. And some people mean that that means you got to just punish yourself and hurt yourself till it works. And it's not really about that. It's not about breaking yourself against your dreams. It really is about making sure that you're growing into it. Making sure that on some days it'll be a little bit of growth and progress. On other days it'll be a lot. And it won't always be comfortable. It won't always feel natural to you. So what is the opposite of comfortable? It's not uncomfortable. The opposite of comfortable is new, unusual, a bit different. The feeling that you can't really sit into it yet. And so for a lot of people, particularly a lot of guys, I gotta say, for them, like, if it's really awful and if it doesn't, if it's not working for them one little bit and they're completely miserable, they're celebrating that because they think, therefore it must be working. And then after a while, they just lose interest and their brain makes up some story about why they can't do it anymore. But really the reason they can't do it is because they were thinking that the opposite of comfort, the opposite of staying in your comfort zone, was to just be really, really tough on yourself. And if you've got a lot of testosterone, you can actually, your system can handle a lot more of that. But for those of us who are kind of softer, those of us who are more estrogen based, more serotonin based even, you know, we just had the thrill, the dopamine. We've got to realize that, you know, we don't have to have an awful day in order to get out of our comfort zone, but we do need to try things that are new. Lana was just telling a story about her son, was told to do something he had never done before. And I remember a comfort zone that I had to get out of was that I couldn't, couldn't ice skate, couldn't roller skate just really. I had very wonky, strange legs as a child I could sometimes barely walk. And later on those got fixed in the hospital and then later on with physio and then later on with learning how to dance. But when I was a child, really couldn't do those things that a lot of kids can do. And so as an adult, I think I was about 30, I decided I was going to learn how to ice skate because that was something that was just above and beyond. And I'd been ice skating once before and you know, talk about being like Bambi on the ice. I mean, I made Bambi look good. I just really couldn't. My ankles wouldn't stay anywhere. It was literally my arms holding me up against the side the whole time. When someone tried to bring me around the ice rink, they couldn't believe it. They were like, well, just try. Just, they were just in awe of how can this person even be here. So I decided that was going to be a thing I was going to do. So it was very, very new and I really, really couldn't do it. But I showed up every single morning at Queensway Ice Rink for at least two months. And for the first time I did it, it was just again, I couldn't really move away from one little corner of it because eventually you've got to pass a gap and I just didn't want to even go anywhere near. There was a gap, it was just, okay, it's my arms holding me up. And then over the process of about three weeks, it was still my arms holding me up, but I was also holding myself up with my arms and moving a little bit forward. And then eventually I'd be able to skate a tiny bit with one arm to the side and then I would get to one of those little gaps and I'd have to go back out onto the carpet, walk along the carpet and then get back out onto the ice again. So it wasn't pretty, it wasn't impressive. There was a woman once who was there, her son was getting the advanced classes. Oh yeah. The only other people on the ice at that time are genius 3 year olds who are all going to the Olympics one day. Like when I say one day, probably the next Olympics, and they were doing amazing things. And this one mother made a comment to me and it was something along the lines of, you know, you're not very good, are you? Or, you know, something like that. And I remember turning around to her and just saying, but at least I'm on the ice. At least I'm on the ice. And that's a thing that I've always done in my life, is, well, at least I'm in the game. I might not be acing it. I might not even be doing it very well. Certainly not impressing anybody here with my ice skating, but at least I'm on the ice. And then I got to a point where I could just. The day where I did a full lap, and it must have been at least two months later, I just did a full lap. And it was so sweet. The different coaches there, they'd see me, and they'd see how much I wanted it, and they would give me little tips. They started saying, hey, try this today. And it was just really, really lovely. And then eventually I could do it. And then a couple of years later, I was in Washington, D.C. and I said to someone, oh, yeah, I told them my story. And I said, I learned how to skate. And I said, well, you know, this is what. This is what I did. And she just said, oh, that's great. And then we went out into the ice together. And of course, she had been roller skating and ice skating since she was a tiny little kid, and she just took off and did all this amazing stuff. I was still pretty proud. I was like, oh, my gosh, look at me. I'm still. I'm not holding on to the side. And she came over and she just said, I thought you said you could skate now. And I said, well, yeah, for me, I can. And we've got to make sure that we're being very gentle with ourselves, that we're not letting in these voices that are saying somehow that our building and our creating of whatever it is in our life isn't working. Because you know what it is, and it's at your own pace. It's in your own way. And we so often, if there's no one being obnoxious around us, we'll put someone obnoxious into our own head, and we'll do that kind of number on ourselves. But it is just so, so important that we know what it is we want to go for. And we consistently build towards that. Yeah, I think that's such a nice story, but I wanted at the end of it that you tripped up your friend the ice ring. Yeah, that's what I thought was coming. I think that or a triple axle, you'd have taken the ending. I've spoken like two novelists, Lana. I'm just like, yeah, sorry. Well, the ending's not written yet. Let's you and I go and, you know, maybe go to New York and go, you know, Rockefeller Plaza, we'll go ice skating and we'll make that the finale of this story. Yeah, lovely story. I like. I'm definitely one for, well, daring myself to do things still, especially, I guess, more so maybe if I haven't done things. Because when you're growing up, you do so many different things for the first time. The first, I suppose, 30 years of your life, you know, you're having new experiences all the time. The first 15 years, everything is incredible, everything is new. You're learning, you know, you're so open. And then 20s, all these different experiences. Who am I going to be? What am I going to be? What am I going to do? It's so exciting. And then you get to your 30s, maybe you start having family, maybe not, or a career or whatever it is, but things, I think, I suppose you've done quite a lot. You've experienced a huge amount of things and things start. Maybe you don't have access to do as much stuff. So how can you keep yourself alive and curious? And, you know, and I suppose this is when people will go to different classes, night classes, or, you know, try different things like that. And do you think that it's because we get a stronger sense of. Of who we are during our 20s, we decide, I like this, I don't like this. Whereas when we're sort of unformed and as you say, everything is new and we want to try all these different things because it seems to me that it's very important to keep your identity quite open, to know who you are, but also know, have an idea for. And there's something else I could be. Well, exactly what you said before, you were talking about maintaining your curiosity for life and in life. And I think there is a period, you know, if you're like 30s to 50s, when you're working every day or, you know, most adults are working or in some form of employment or they are doing something that they can use their spare time. This is when people like to. They still wanted. They're still curious about life. And they're like, oh, well, I've never tried this. Maybe I could do this. And you know, and that's why I think there's so many different things available. Either from dance classes, ice skating. You learned how to motorcycle ride, didn't you? Judy May? Well, yes, I learned how not to ride a motorbike, certainly within 15 minutes of me getting on. In my very first lesson, I came off the Bike was pretty much on top of me and then getting away from me. A huge, big bike. And I end up breaking my arm. And I just took that as a sign. Maybe yes, maybe not. And that's fine. Again, we're not about, you know, doing something just because it's difficult or just to prove anything. And the amount of stories I heard when I went to the hospital, I was actually up in Yorkshire, first time ever in Yorkshire as well. And I was in Wakefield Hospital. Really, really beautiful people there in the plaster room and all around. And they, you know, told me so many stories about people really, really hurting themselves on motorbikes. So we, you know, I decided that maybe that was an adventure for somebody else or for another lifetime. Done it now. Got all the drama compacted into 15 to 20 minutes and lived a lifetime of motorbiking, I think, in that one. And had a picture to prove it. Yes, pictures of me not smiling, very vague. To prove it. It's all good. So what would you say that is there something that you've done that you really love, that you showed up for consistently? And it showed. I imagine writing novels and writing books, well that's one thing, but just on pushing oneself out of one's comfort zone. Recently I was in Belgrade and I was at a festival and I was doing a reading at the festival yesterday. Yes. And it was for an Irish creative festival celebrating Irish books, films, etc. And I arrived in Belgrade and we went straight to the theatre to see Waiting for Godo Becket's Waiting for Godot in Serbian. And I just thought, amazing. You can't get more existential than this. Anyway, the end of the evening we ended up in a lock in in a pub and it was so Irish. It was all these wonderful Irish directors, etc, we're all drinking and the songs begin, the stories and the songs. And I never had the nerve to actually do that, to actually stand up and let rip with a massive big belter. Right. And I was just like, you know what, Nana? Go for it, go for it, you can do it. And I did. And after this we might get you to do it all over again. Welcome to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things. Autism, women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Falguni Desai of Action Coach. Are you a business owner with more than five employees? Do you want to grow your business? I'm a London based business coach who helps small and medium sized businesses to grow and make a profit. I will help you identify the strengths and weaknesses in your business and then work with you to improve it using a structured framework. To find out more, contact me on 072-16-54640 and book your one hour complimentary one to one coaching session. Thank you. Hi, I'm Tracey Weedon of Brownhill Insurance Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal, household, high net worth and fine art. You can contact us on 0208658 or visit our website www.brownhillgroup.co.uk for your free no obligation quotation at Brownhills. We've got you covered. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio Station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with the theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts by about Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter Women's radio station that's Womens Radio STN or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life. And I listen. And together we transform everything. This is Judy Mae Murphy here in studio with Lana Citron. We are on WRS women's radio station supporting women's well being. And I think the thing we're getting from today's show is the fact that we're probably a lot more consistent than we think we are. That, you know, we're just looking at the bits where we try to instigate something new and it's a little bit uncomfortable or we haven't found the thing we need to be doing, or we're not doing it in a way that is exciting to us or for various outside reasons. And then we internalize that and we decide that that means that there's something wrong with us and our life's not working and we won't get to that next place. But if you look at the things you are already being consistent about, those are probably the things you absolutely need. You're consistently showering consistently, we hope, consistently eating consistently, you know, connecting with other people, consistently learning consistently, you know, showing up for yourself in enough ways. So let's just release this idea that somehow life's not working. It's kind of a little bit tail that we spin to beat ourselves up with. And before the break, we were just talking about, you know, all the different ways that we can do that. So, Lana, as a novelist, as a writer, you know what it's like to show up even when you don't feel like it. So you know that, you know, and you've had this for years where you need to be there for your kids when they're at home and they need you. And so you know that there's only this certain window of opportunity and in which you can sit down and write. And you don't have the option to say, oh, I'll do it later. Exactly. But that's quite good in a way. It also can be quite painful if you're doing something creative and you're deep into that mode of working and then you realize you've got 10 minutes to get to the school. I remember the feeling of it being like pulling a leg out of mud. Like just, you know, like this. And it was actually physically and mentally painful. But I had to get over it. Like, you know, get over it and get down to school and pick up your. You know, I would love to be able to write whenever I wanted. It sounds character building. Yeah. But I mean, life's not like that. You have to do a lot of stuff that maybe you don't want to do necessary. You wouldn't necessarily choose. Yeah, yeah. And then also knowing that, you know, there is going to be another time is an important part of it as well, that it doesn't have to be right now. Because the thing I'm really, really good at, I'm starting to realize even just doing this show, that I am a lot more consistent than I give myself credit for. A thing I'm excellent at is getting to bed on time. Like, really, really good at that. You know, it's. It's like it's an hour before my bedtime. Everything stops, everything gets powered down, lights get turned down, you know, bedtime ritual starts and I'm in bed, same time, knowing that I need to get up at that same time and that the, you know, consistently getting to bed and waking up at the same time isn't something that's just for kids. No, not at all. We all have. I mean, we are so much creatures of habit. I mean, even in our geography, even how many miles we tend to, on a daily basis, go. If you were to kind of have a graph of your tracks or the steps that you make every day, every single day, you'd. Again, we come back to that idea of patterns. You probably walk the same roads every day, you know, or similar. Your paths, probably very similar. Absolutely. Sometimes I need to turn left out of my house if I'm going to the Tube station, but normally I turn right and the amount of times I've left to go to the Tube station and just turned right, just because that's what my body always does, it's sort of unthinking. So I think with consistency, we've got to realize that the unthinking part of it, the unconscious part of it can be our friend when it's a good thing that we're doing. But then if we're trying to interrupt something that we consistently do that isn't working for us, that's when we need to get very, very conscious about it and get a lot of help. When I'm coaching people on how to start getting to bed at a time that feels good to them the next morning, the first thing that we'll do is we'll set a whole bunch of alarms for the evening and we'll give them great names and we'll have great music and, you know, it'll be sort of things that will be inviting them to wind down and it'll be saying things like, you know, remember all the fun, important stuff helps your brain at night, and we'll Just be writing things, just doing everything that we can to interrupt the consistent idea that somehow if you go to bed early, you're not having fun, you're missing out on something or interrupting just the hamster wheeling and the scrolling through Facebook or whatever, that we can interrupt those so that we can stop something being consistent that isn't working for us. And I know for me, there have been so many things in my life that I've needed to stop doing and choose something else instead. Can you think of a time when you had to? Well, I think it's really interesting what you said about like the hamster wheeling and all the time that is spent on or in the digital world. So even looking at Facebook or whatever it is, Instagram or whatever it is, I mean, I think, am I learning from this? No. Who cares if someone got a new dress? Really? Do I have to like it? No, it doesn't really matter. Like it really doesn't matter yet we don't sit down and design it. So very often when I'm going on social media, I will just, I will jot down on a piece of paper, what is my intention here? And it might be that I'm going to look at beautiful dresses and beautiful fashion spreads, but I will go specifically to the Chanel site or to Vogue or something. So at least I'm not looking at, you know, if my phone decides that it needs to push on me some, you know, really cheap item of clothing that doesn't look great, I don't have that in my, in my focus. That that's not the thing that my brain is focused on in that moment. And so actually designing it. And I frequently go back into Twitter and I say to myself, right, why am I following this person and what am I learning from them? And very often it's something like that. I'm learning how to look at the other viewpoint. So I follow a lot of people on Twitter who've got very, very different political views to me, very good people, different way of looking at it. And it's very interesting because I will have my sort of knee jerk reaction to something that happens in the world and then I'll read someone else's take on it and I learn and it makes me just more empathetic. It sort of keeps me present and I will frequently design it in that way. Also my phone after 20 minutes lets me know it actually says, you know, Judy Mae, you've been doing this for 20 minutes. I think it's a little kind of cartoon pops up and sort of lets Me know, and sometimes that just takes me out of that hamster, wheeling out of that like hypnotic trance like way of just kind of looking at cakes on Instagram, which is, you know, a good thing to do. Just choose it, choose it. Because it feels now that, you know that the consistency, what we're being consistent in is being set by forces outside of ourselves. Yeah, I think that's actually very insightful and I'd be very interested in getting that little sticker to jump up on my screen, actually. I think we are living in a world of stuff. So many distractions and it's actually really hard to be present all the time. And sometimes, of course, you do want to just unwind and do absolutely nothing and watch rubbish TV or, you know, but you can have a more active recovery. It doesn't have to be passive and unthinking just because it's recovery time. Yeah, exactly. So I completely agree with you on that and I think it's really interesting what you're saying about that. And again, allowing yourself that time, but trying to be as present as possible now that your littlest is getting older and he's obviously gonna, you know, be longer in school and out with his friends more doing his own thing. You know, little ones just depend on you less as they, as they grow up. What are you looking forward to creating ritual wise in your life over the next few years? Ooh, that's a really interesting question. Having gone through it with the older one. I've got at least 10 more years to work it out. Judy May. Okay, Will that be enough time, Lana? That's what we want to know, probably. We have with us in studio as always, our wonderful technical producer, Melis and our associate producer, Elspeth. Elspeth, what is it that you are picking up from this hour? What are some kind of like, nuggets that you've got that will help you in your life? My top three little snippets from today would be the be gentle on yourself. Go at your own pace. That's very important. I especially like the bit Lana said about the spiritual rituals and the pleasures it brings and the happiness that community can bring to us. And try to do the thing that you want to be pleasurable. Don't think of it being dutiful. Try and make it a positive thing. Excellent. Yeah, yeah. Three just really good things. And I think that if we just take those away and just apply those, just become more conscious around those. Right, what's a great ritual that I can create? Right. Am I going at my Own pace or am I kind of, you know, just all kind of breakneck about this? And then. So the last one that you said was the let me quickly get out. Caught me. The thing you want to be done. The thing you want to be doing. Absolutely. Make it pleasurable. Don't think of it as dutiful. Yes, don't think of it as dutiful. That, you know, consistency doesn't have to be sort of like being empty dutiful and just showing up because you always have. And as women we often do that. You know, we were the ones who always made dinner. So we keep making dinner. If you've got teenagers around, why can't they make dinner? If you've got, you know, it just, it's so easy for us to just stay in something because we've always done it. So just to wrap up on this hour, Lana, what would you advise people like Maria who wrote in and other women who are feeling that they want to enjoy the consistency of life a little bit more? Don't over sweat it, like just exactly what you said, remain curious and go for it. One thing I would say I actually have to force myself to do exercise. I hate it. I hate, hate, hate it. But I do. And I hate every single second of it. But it's at the very end of it that is when the satisfaction comes and it's ok. Ok. So we often have this idea that the reward has to come quickly, instantly and just sort of building that muscle around. Just be consistent and the reward is coming. And I say this to people all the time, the dream is on its way. Particularly if you've had a disappointment and you feel like you've sort of backtracked a little bit. It is so easy to feel like all this consistent showing up is for nothing. It's not, you know, the things that you hoped for, you can still reach for. The dreams that are there in your heart, in your head, they are yours and they will be coming true. So stay strong everybody and we're really looking forward to seeing you all next week on Judy Mae is listening. Welcome to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Falguni Desai of Action Coach. Are you a business owner with more than five employees? Do you want to grow your business? I'm a London based business coach who helps small and medium sized businesses to grow and make a profit. I will help you identify the strengths and weaknesses in your business and then work with you to improve it using a structured framework. To find out more, contact me on 072-16-54640 and book your one hour complimentary one to one coaching session. Thank you, thank you. Hi, I'm Tracey Weedon of Brownhill Insurance Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal household, high net worth and fine art. You can contact us on 0208658-4334 or visit our website www.brownhillgroup.co.uk for your free no obligation quotation at Brownhills. We've got you covered. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from immigration information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org you're listening to Women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @Women's radio station that's Women's Radio STN or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs.