Get Booked – Dr. Tony Ortega, #AreYouHereYet

Hello, I'm Hazel and this is Get Booked for Women's Radio Station. I hope you're all well and ready to get booked. I am so excited about today's show. I have Dr. Tony Ortega in the studio. Hi! Hi there! You've come straight from the airport. Literally. Yeah, I really appreciate, you know, the commitment to the cause. Absolutely. I'm so honored to be here. Thank you. Well, we really need to talk about your book, which is releasing on Valentine's Day. Yes. So excited. We did that on purpose. Oh, good. Well, that's pretty much what your book's about, doing things on purpose, right? Exactly, and doing it with intention and doing it mindfully. Yeah. "Are You Here Yet? How to STFU and Show Up for Yourself." Let's say, shut the flip up. There we go. Yeah. I'm okay with that. Yeah, we've made it radio-friendly. Yay. God knows I'm not radio-friendly. Oh, me neither. That's why we're gonna get along. Sometimes, like, I sometimes do my shows and I have, like, the directors of the whole station looking in going, "Don't say it, don't say it, she said it." My mother has that same reaction very often. Yeah, that's good. Don't say it, Tony, don't say it. Oh, he said it again. How boring would life be if we were predictable? Exactly. I don't, you know, I don't want anyone to know what I'm doing at any time. I wanna surprise everybody. The element of surprise. Exactly. Now you are the epitome of fierceness. I'd like to think so. I've been working at it for quite some time. Mm-hmm. And do you know what? That is what I got from your book. I have been reading it. For the last week or two. And even in some of my other jobs where it's been sitting on the side 'cause at my lunch break I go off and do it. 'Cause also I don't wanna race through it 'cause I wanna sit and actually digest some of the things that you've said, especially with the toolkits, which we'll kind of talk about in a little bit. But I had people coming past my desk going, "Shut the what up?" I was like, "You know it. You know that's what we just need to engage a little bit more." It is fierceness. It's kind of challenging. All the other self-help books. And do you really think it is a self-help book? I— for me, it's more of a personal development. I don't think it's self-help. Self-help is, is just so— I mean, there's so much of it out there, and it's, it's all saying the same thing. This is like in your face, like, show up for yourself, literally. What I, what I got from the book, um, is most heterosexual women want a gay friend, right? It's because it's quite fierce, it's a little bit bitchy, and it's basically just you get a bit of a talking to. And throughout this book, it's a little bit like we're sitting in a bar, we're sipping on martinis, and the woman's going, "Oh, but this happened," and you're like, "Oh, stop the whining. You are such a basic female dog." And it pretty much is like that all the way through. It's like we're just having a conversation. You're going, "Shut up." Some people are like, "I feel like I'm in the office with you. Are you holding a mirror up to me?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I am." Yeah. Pretty much. And I've got, do you know what, this is completely, because I want to make sure that everybody can find out as much about you. Sure. But I take it you've Googled yourself. I have. Yeah. And you're not Tony Ortega. There's a couple Tony Ortegas. There's one that's a Scientologist. Yeah, and he's a little bit scary, right? That's not me though. No, I just wanted to clarify when people are actually listening and going, oh, I'm gonna Google him. He's not that one. Not that one or the reporter for Village Voice. I didn't know whether they were the same person because they were both kind of— I think they're different people. Well, there you go. You're like the Mark Smith of England. I like that. I'll take it. I'll take it. So yeah, Dr. Tony Ortega, you have a lot of letters to go after your name. You have done the Psych— what's it called? You're everything. Well, it's just a doctorate. I say that like if it's just a doctorate. Yeah, you just picked it up in, in the shop, right? Exactly, over at Sainsbury's. Yeah, Sainsbury's. Oh, I love that. I love Sainsbury's. Do you? Yeah, I do. It's better than— we have Target, and for— it's so much nicer. And did you actually walk up Longacre on the way to the studio and see that we've got TK Maxx? I did see that. Yeah, TJ Maxx. Yes, yes. It's all slightly different. Just a little bit, and that's okay. Yeah, so how long are you gonna be here for? I'm gonna be here for about a week. Okay, and we've gotta talk about your launch party. By the time the show goes out, actually, the party will have happened. Yes. And we have Cheryl Hall. Well, you have Cheryl Hall. So excited. So you're a huge RuPaul. Funny story, I was not wanting to be one of those stereotypical gay men that watch RuPaul's Drag Race, so I kid you not, I did not start watching it until December of 2018. Then I saw the Christmas episode and I'm like, oh, this is cute, you know, whatever. Then a week later, I was having some good times with a younger caller and he's like, oh, do you want to watch RuPaul's Drag Race? I'm like, I've never seen it. You're in luck, it's the season premiere. And so I watched it cuddling on the couch with him and I'm like, I don't know if I like it because of him or because the show's really good. Watched it the following week and I was like, okay, I am hooked. And I literally ingested 11 seasons in about 2 and a half months. You do realize that RuPaul's Drag Race is not just exclusive to the gay community. Everybody loves it. So it's not like you're going, ah, tick in a box. Yeah, exactly. No, and it impacts so many people. And even my mother watches it. She's like, I like that guy. And I'm like, Mom's cool. Yeah. I just, the thing is, it's just the kind of fierceness of everybody that's in it that kind of gives you a little bit of a boost, which is what I like about it. But I was like, I'm gonna feel so basic when I go out and meet Cheryl Hall because I'm just, I'm lucky if I brush my hair. And I just like, I'm gonna have to wear a backless or something or get get my boobs out or something like that, just to kind of, you know, bring myself up to the table a little bit. Oh, honey, please. You're pretty fierce. I'm trying. Yes. Trying. Like I am. Well, that's the thing. I mean, a lot of the time the book is talking about don't try, just be. Exactly. There's nothing, there's nothing that you really need to do. There's everything that you need to be. And that's really one of the main messages of the book. 'Cause we're always reaching out for something outside of us. This product, this person, this, this. You've got it all already. Reach in, pull it out, sashay down the runway. And stop comparing ourselves to other people. It drives me potty. I've got a friend of mine who's always going on about wanting to find the right partner, and I'm just like, why? You don't have time, sweetheart. Your life is amazing. And actually, do you know what? I put a Post-it note on this, I thought this was one of the best OMG moments. Um, relationships are not meant to complement your life— they're supposed to complement your life, not complete it. Sorry, a little bit of a— I've had too much coffee this morning. And it's right. Why are people trying to complete— get using somebody else to complete them? Well, because it speaks to that sense of like there's something wrong, there's something missing about us, which is why we're grabbing on to relationships in this instance. That was a lot of the fuel that really birthed my first book, which was Is He Here Yet? Being the Person You Want to Be With. And the whole book talked about be the one and see who shows up, because all the other books that you see out there, it's do this, call in the one, do this, manifest the one. I was like, no, do this, be the one, let's see who shows up. Do you know what? I mean, that is so incredibly true. I did a show last week, and one of the reasons that her book was so incredible was because she was genuine and honest. And if you are genuine and honest as to who you are, you will attract people. And this is not the law of attraction, which I'm sure you just like flick it off into the corner. It is just, you know, people like people who are being real. And it's, it's sexy, it's attractive, it's appealing. And if you're trying to be somebody else because that's what that other person you think wants, how is that ever going to work for us? I, I think my strongest attractions with, you know, friends or romantic partners, sexual partners, it's never about their physical being, it's all about how they're showing up. I remember many years ago I was working at a, at a gym and there's this one guy always to himself, headphones on, not particularly cute, but the way he carried himself, I was like, I want to know this guy. I never actually talked to him because, you know, I wasn't as fierce as I am now. But I was like, you know, his energy was just so powerful and it was just— he wasn't showing off or anything. He was just kind of carrying himself and being, you know, really, really strong in his presence. And, you know, that is very palpable. It is. It's really attractive. It's just— and that's what we need to remember to do. And sometimes we get a little bit lost in ourselves. And this is, I think that's one of the main messages in your book. It's about, you know, figuring out who you are and, well, yeah, showing up for yourself. Exactly, and not relying on anybody else to do it for you. Oh, can you imagine? But we do. We just, half the time it's laziness. It's just, I think a lot of people don't know who they are, so they look to social media to see what they like and what they could be. It's a minefield out there and it's not, it's very hard for people. But you know, this is quite a different book. Well, there's a whole chapter dedicated to social media and we could certainly riff on that for quite some time. Yeah, that's gonna take up a whole section. I think the whole show. It is, do you know what? It is bonkers. And as you do say in the book, you know, that some people do have to do social media for work. I have to do it. I have to, kind of. I also like to get involved with all the books that are going around as well, but it's to promote the shows that I do. And you do get caught up, and sometimes you're like, oh yeah, I'm just promoting something on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn and Pinterest. And wow, look at that, that looks really sweet. I really like the outfit she's wearing. I wonder if I can find that on ASOS. I'm just going to go on ASOS and see if I can find that top. Oh no, I've just had this thing come through. Oh wow, she's got herself a new dog. And then before you realise, it's like 2 hours past bedtime. Exactly. And it does, it goes on. We've come to the end of our first section already. Already? I know. Oh my gosh. It's bonkers, right? And I haven't even slightly gotten to my questions, so we are gonna absolutely blast through some questions in the next section. Are you ready? Are you raring? Ready, willing, and able. We'll be back in a couple of minutes. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. 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Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover, and mental health advocate, and you can listen to my show Get Booked here at Women's Radio Station daily at 5 AM and 5 PM. Throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers, and book enthusiasts, all with the theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well-being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch at presenters@womensradiostation.com. Join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. You're listening to Women's Radio Station, supporting women's well-being. Women's Radio Station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women, and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadioStation, that's Women's Radio Station, or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome back to the next section of today's Get Booked, supporting women's well-being through all those incredible books out there. And today's guest, Dr. Tony Ortega, is here to talk about Are You Here Yet? How to Shut the Flip Up and Show Up for Yourself. Yeah, I mean, it's got a little bit of a ring to it, hasn't it? I like flip. It wasn't the intention, but I'll take it. Yeah, well, off air we can say whatever we want. Okay, perfect. Or shut the fudge up. Can we do that? We can do fudge. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, sweet. Give us the energy. So we have, there's so many sections to this book and we're not gonna be able to get through half of them, which is why people need to make sure that they go and buy the book. Where can they buy the book? On Amazon and directly from my publisher at Free Association Books. Amazing. So I'm going to make sure I put up all the links on there as well. Now, one of the issues that you come up with quite a lot is drama queen syndrome. Please explain this to our listeners. Seems to be one of the favorite chapters, that one in the social media chapter, you know. So I think a lot of times as a mental health professional, one of the things I work with my clients on is the, the language that they use. And I think a lot of times we will say something is awful when it's really just meh. Yeah. Or we'll say like, oh my God, I'm so depressed when we're really just sad. Yeah. And so what ends up happening, and this is for like the normalcy of human emotions, I'm not talking about mental illness and major depressive disorder. That's a completely different conversation. What I'm talking about is day-to-day life, day-to-day language, and how we kind of screw ourselves up. By the words that we use. And then we get all dramatic about it. And then what happens when we get all dramatic? We get the attention, right? Yep. Mm-hmm. And then we get the attention. And then the other thing is it also spares us from taking responsibility to actually create change in our own lives. We get to stay exactly where we're at. And that's where the drama queen syndrome cycle continues and continues and continues. And do you know what? Language is so incredibly important. And one of my favorite sections in the book is just about reframing our predicament and the language we use. And I actually had a fantastic guest in called Joseph Baikart, which was all about the art of decision-making. And he basically said, you need to reframe the decisions and the questions you put to yourself. Instead of saying, you know, if this goes wrong, 'What will happen to me?' which is scary. It's, 'If it goes right,' or, 'What can I put in place in case the worst happens?' But, you know, language is so powerful. Our internal dialogue is, you know, I am— you say to yourself, 'I'm so depressed.' You're convincing yourself you're depressed, whereas you can just— this is why so many people are quite convinced that you should write down 3 good things a day, or 3 good things aweek, because it actually brings it home that life isn't as bad as you thinking— you think it is. And we're dwelling on it, and it's creating this cycle of negativity. One of my mottos is, change your words, change your life. So you look at— you look at that dialogue, be very, very intentional, taking, taking a look at what you're saying to yourself, because that's a very subtle, uh, programming that you're doing. And you start to believe. I could look in the mirror and say, damn, Tony, you look fat. And if I say that enough, I'm gonna start believing it. So we need to really watch that language. And you were talking about worst case scenario. I always tell my clients, let's prep for best case scenario. Oh no, what if the other shoe's gonna drop? I'm like, what if there is no other shoe? And this is all part of that, drama that we create for ourselves. And really the most powerful tool I use personally is talking, literally talking out loud and talking myself off the ledge. Sunday, when I injured my back, I was telling you off air, my inner dialogue, I was freaking out about this party because like this needs to be perfect because, you know, God forbid I were to make a mistake. And that's when I was doing what, you know, rummaging through my stuff And bam, I pull my back. And that was like a subtle message of like, okay, slow your roll, Tony. Let's start changing the language. Reminding yourself, you know, whenever you do these things, you always do well. Why is this one going to be the one that you screw up? And so literally, I'm telling myself that out loud because it's really, really powerful to hear yourself say it to yourself. Oh yeah. I mean, this is one of the reasons why I like having a dog, because you can talk out loud all the time. And in theory, someone's listening. I do that to my cat and he just gives me this look like, um, is it, uh, dinner time yet? Yeah, there's no point doing it to a cat because they're just like, I don't care unless you're opening a packet of food. I really don't have any interest in what you are doing right now. Whereas a dog sits down and goes, I hear you, I feel you, should we go and walk this out? You're absolutely right. My cat could care less, I think. They're just like, what? I'm so not interested. I was actually, I was sitting there the other day and the dog was chilled out on the, this like little ottoman that's next to my dining table. And I was just like, oh, it's just so calm. And the cat just went up and punched the dog in the bum. And I was like, I just, just why? Why? Because he can. Yeah, it's just the way it is. Now a bit of a, I'm a huge fan of positive attribution, you know, and like Again, another section in your book is talking about, you know, turning things that can be perceived as rubbish FML moments into something incredible. I mean, I've had situations where, I mean, I've been divorced. Well, I divorced him actually. Go girl. But there are things where I've fallen out with friends or exes have done really rubbishy things and it's like— You too? Wow. We're like a club of 2 billion. And it's like, you can sit there and you just go, oh, this is rubbish, da da da. Or you can go, do you know what? Because that happened, I found out who is gonna show up for me, who are my best mates. And so many people are like, oh, you know, oh, she's divorced. I'm like, do you know what? I got divorced quite early on in my life and it was like, I was in my early 30s. And who in their early 30s find out who's genuinely there for them. And I was like, that's brilliant. Because sometimes people get to their 50s and they go, wait, I've had that toxic person in my life way too long. Or do you know what? Just, you find when you kind of possibly get a little bit lower, you sometimes are forced to search for yourself within yourself a little bit more. When you're stripped naked emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, you get to the core of who you are if you choose to. Because again, going back to drama queen syndrome, you know, we'll be like reveling in the, oh, woe is me, woe is me. And it's like, you know, if we take a step back and be like, what lesson can I learn from this? I mean, my writing career came out of a horrible relationship. It's birthed 2 books and a comic book series. I'm like, today I'm super grateful to him. Thank you. Thank you if you're listening. He likes to stalk me. Oh, it's a little bit like Adele, isn't it? She got dumped and she's like, "Uh, I'm just gonna sing about this and just watch me from over there, please." Exactly, yes. That's exactly what I'm doing. And a little bit more to do on the— I've got a bit of an example of like reframing your dialogue. I've got a friend who I go out with quite often and we like to have fun. We always find the most ridiculous situations. However, the next morning I get up and I'm getting on with it. You know, I'm going to the gym, I'm doing this, and she's laying in bed going, 'Can you call my husband and say I'm gonna be late 'cause I'm gonna throw up in my car?' And I'm like, she's like, 'Why? We drank the same thing. Why are you okay?' I said, 'Because I'm getting up and I'm doing stuff and I'm not thinking about how much I drank last night. You're laying in bed thinking about how rough you feel. I'm ignoring it. I'm trying to keep myself busy.' So, 'cause you feel worse after a hangover when you suddenly go, 'I didn't just drink a bottle. I had like 10 Sambuca shots as well. When you start thinking about it, that's when you suddenly reinstate that feeling that you should be feeling quite bad. And anybody who has 10 Sambuca shots should feel quite bad. But I'm getting on with it. I'm keeping busy, I'm doing the washing, and I don't stop because otherwise I think about how bad I'm feeling. And she's like, "Oh, but what about those?" And I can feel myself getting a bit sick when she's reminding me what I did drink. But it's mind over matter. You know, and to kind of change something you said, I don't know so much that we need to ignore the negative, but we need to allow at least, if not a positive, a neutral thought to coexist. You know, 'cause your friend was in the negative, oh, I drank so much, I feel so bad, I feel so bad. You were like, I drank a lot, but you know what? I'm gonna go to the gym. And that's exactly what we need to do. Allow both things to occur at the same time because we do have the mental space for it. I mean, it's situationally relevant, isn't it? With hangovers, try and ignore them. With feelings, maybe engage a little bit more. Always honor your feelings. Always honor them. Don't swim in them. And try and grasp what it is as well. Talk it out. And what I find is absolutely fantastic is we, I have a bit of a girl group where we all go out with our dogs and for an hour we literally just go, "Bleblebleble, bleblebleble." We air it, we are done and we are raring for the day. We go straight after dropping the kids off at school, 9 till 10, bing bang bosh, the rest of the day, We've aired it, we've done it, we've had our friends go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, I get that." And it's kind of been fed a little bit, but then we move on. A friend of mine who had to start work a little bit earlier for like 3 months on a particular contract that she was on, she missed it so much that she was feeling quite down 'cause she wasn't having the time and the space to just, and it's just that hour. She's not going over it for like 8 hours or something. Not dwelling on it endlessly and— Talking about exploding on social media about it, vomiting. Oh yeah, I don't, I don't like that whole social media kind of, I'm so sad, my life's really bad, but ho hum, please don't ask me about it. Please don't comment, I'm not looking for pity. Really, Mary? Really? Yeah, you didn't write it down on a piece of paper and shove it in the back of your wardrobe, did you? No, you gave it to millions of people, or hundreds. Or 12. But yeah, I do think in the next section we're going to talk a little bit more about social media because it is— can we? Please? Should we? Yes. Shoulders, wouldas, and couldas. Okay. Um, and there's a couple of other bits I want to talk about. I want to talk about your other book as well. Is he here yet? Um, and then we're going to be talking, um, about your favorite and worst phrases to use in life, because you've got a lot of phrases in this book. 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Women's Radio Station, supporting women's well-being. We are storming through this week's Get Booked. I'm Hazel Butterfield, and in the studio today I have Dr. Tony Ortega. Or Tony. Depending on, you know. Dr. Tony. Dr. T. Or that old line, just don't call me late for dinner. Wow, I like it. Yeah. Well, actually, that takes me on quite nicely to my next question. Sure. What are your best phrases ever to use? 'Cause you've got a lot of phrases in this book. Oh my gosh. Well, I said one earlier, change your words, change your life. Power of choice is everyone's superpower. I like that because it is how— a choice is what you do next. It's how you choose to think about something. Yes. And we keep on thinking that other people have control over this. They don't. Well, choice is the only thing we get to control 100% of the time, you know, regardless of the circumstance. We control how— the choices that— how we see it, how we view it, how we think about it. Choice is the only thing we ever control 100% of the time. I mean, sometimes we're limited in our choices, but that doesn't mean— But are we really limited in our choices? Because, you know, again, at the core, the choice is how do— how can I see this differently? Well, that's the thing, isn't it? It's about retraining the mind to see things differently, not say I can't make that decision. No, but you've got this, this, and this decision that you can make, which could possibly result in that decision. You know, it's a process, it's a journey. And what is your worst phrase ever? Oh God, worst phrase ever. I'm assuming it's going to come from some kind of influencer. Oh, I love that air quotes on radio works really well, by the way. Gosh, I'd have to think of like the influencer that pisses me off the most. Oh, it's going to be— there's a few. I mean, there's a few. I, I didn't name them by name because they probably have better legal teams than I do. It comes across in your book, by the way, that there are quite a few that you're not hugely keen on. Mm-hmm. You know, any, any of these influencers that tell their audience, this is what you have to do to have the life that you want— they don't know that person. Thank you. But that person just spent, you know, £1,600 to attend a seminar and walk on fire. Oops, I kind of gave a clue about one of them. Ah, that's fine. You didn't name anybody. No, I didn't name names. No, I would love to though. I'll tell you off air. Thank you. Okay. But there is that as well. There are— I do— I don't necessarily like watching influencers. I mean, I don't know if you know somebody— there are some people that skirt on the edges of influencers, and those are the kind of ones that I like. Um, and She's quite British, so you, you might not have heard. Have you heard of Fern Cotton? No. Go and check her out. She is brilliant. She is a bit like what we mentioned before, honest. She's real. She's kind of— she doesn't just put up— I mean, she's, she's into quite clean living, but she sometimes looks glamorous because she's going out to something, and other times she is wearing her stained ripped t-shirt and she's doing yoga. And it's just a bit more of reality and she is honest. And she does a great podcast called The Happy Place. Okay. And have a listen to some of them. She is great. She does suffer with depression and dark moments, but she's honest about it, but she doesn't dwell on it. But she does it just so people don't feel like she's got the perfect life and they sit there going, "Oh, like, you're amazing." She's like, "No, we all have it," you know? Um, but she's brilliant, but she skirts on the edges of it, definitely. Those are the kind that I like. Yeah, and the other ones that are just a bit fake and all look like they've just been churned out of a robotic factory. And they're all so pretty. I was watching, uh, Ex on the Beach because my favorite drag queen, one of my favorite drag queens, Adore Delano, is on that show. I literally watched only 3 episodes because my brain cells were dying. Yeah, and there's this one guy, Callum something or other, who's a influencer. And I was like, oh my God, you've, you've got like the personality of a mop. Yeah, it's like, how are you influencing anybody other than that amazing body you have? But that was like, what? But do you know what, there's so many people that just obsess over these amazing bodies and you think, do you know that it takes 4 hours in the gym not eating anything and doing this and this and this? And do you like going out for dinner with somebody who has a lettuce leaf and a sparkling water, or do you want to go out with somebody that kind of goes for a little bit of everything? Go, oh, I hit the gym for an extra hour today, or whatever, it's cool, and I'm kind of all right with that, and I'm gonna dance a bit later. But you know what, the one that's not really living life to their fullest, but they've got an amazing six-pack, they are not enjoying their life other than their own Instagram feed. Exactly. And those are the kind of influencers, again, the air quotations, that I— Nailed it. Yes. That I don't particularly care for. And, you know, I kind of call it out in the book because, you know, I think that, like you said, that that person that skirts on the outside of this, you know, doing yoga and that ripped, you know, these are the people that are real. No filters, no pretense. I'm just going to give you the message. I like— I follow Gary Vee. In the States. He's very popular and he just gives it to you. And people are like, oh yeah, you're right. He goes, yeah, I know I'm right. He owns what he is. He's not selling anything. It's like, this is my advice to you. Oh, you're right, Gary. Yes, I know I'm right. I know. That's what I like. It's just like that raw, in your face. And he wears football— he's so straight, poor guy. He wears football jerseys and all these things. And I'm like, I still love you, man. Yeah, but you know what? Horses for courses and just do what feels right for you. I like that though, people who just kind of get on with it and do what they wanna do. Do you know what? Actually, especially in the area that I live in, I speak to a lot of teachers and they say, funnily enough, that one of the main issues of mental health issues among especially teenage girls around the 15, 16 age gap is rooted in Love Island. Okay. Because it is all about the way that they look and trying to get other people to like them. It's— I mean, it's great entertainment supposedly. I've never seen a whole episode. I've accidentally turned on it, onto it for 10 minutes and just gone, I can't do this. This is like 3 minutes of my life I will never get back. Well, it's just like our social media consumption. We're looking at these very poised, curated pictures that are really there just to get the likes and to feed that algorithm. And it's not really giving us any kind of substance, anything that we could add to our life. I make a joke in the book. It's like, yeah, I probably just checked this shirtless model I follow posting his 782nd picture because the first 781 clearly didn't give me what I needed. I like that line, yeah. But have you also noticed that Instagram have taken off showing how many likes people have had? I, I, I, I, have they started that already? I heard they were gonna do that. Over here they definitely have. Okay, I haven't seen that on in the States yet. Yeah, you can kind of, if you've got friends in common, you can see if they've liked something else, but generally you, you can see your own likes. Yes. But that is it, but you've got to specifically click on it and say, how many others. And I, I think it's wonderful. Yeah, I quite like it because it takes away that, that desperation. And maybe that'll give us real content because, you know, it's gotten to the point where social media is using us, we're not using it. You know, the ruler comes out, you know, we start measuring ourselves up against these people. And what we're measuring ourselves up to is what they are showing us. We don't know if that's true. I, you know, going back to a saying, one of the things I say in the book is social media is like me comparing the movie of my life to someone else's movie trailer. Oh, right. Yeah. Because, you know, directors and producers are going to give you the best bits in the trailer to get you to watch the movie. So I'm comparing my Oscar-nominated movie to this trailer and then not thinking it's an Oscar-nominated movie because the trailer is just so good. And that's how social media is using us in that very insidious way, because the, you know, the feeds, the subconscious programming and stuff like that. It's almost like watching too much porn. You know, you think that sex is actually going to look like that. No. Well, as you say, it took 8 hours to get that shot. She's not enjoying it. Or he's not. Well, he Maybe they are enjoying it, you don't know. You never know. You never know unless you're in it. Gotta be in it to win it. But paradoxically, you know, all these people with incredible followings are the ones that have questionable feeds, you know. It's all quite often disingenuous. However, you didn't get a particular book deal because you didn't have a strong enough following, whereas if you'd been disingenuous and possibly posted a few more shirtless pictures and things like that. Do you know what I mean? Yes. And, but is that, is, is that the deciding factor as to who is relevant, has got something relevant to say? It's, I mean, if you watch, there's quite a few kind of, um, panel shows in, in, oh, they're around the States as well, but over in the UK, and the funny people are not the pretty kind of the ones that are in Love Island, sometimes like you get the comedians on there that are just going, oh, at least we can look at you. But you know what? They, they make good TV for these reality TV programs, but it's, it is questionable that they should be making the decisions as to what we should be reading about. And is it really reality TV? No. Don't you think a little bit of that is scripted, just like their social media feeds? Yeah. They're not even doing half. Of it. But their assistant, their virtual assistant, their assistant's assistant, it's completely and utterly— I mean, I, you know, a lot of my friends are in production and I know how much of this is just so completely made up, but we still enjoy it. It's entertainment, you know. I mean, it— all the soaps, they are scripted. We're aware of it, but we've just got to remember that it is completely scripted. All these are little bits and pieces. If somebody wants to be If they want— if a producer or a director wants to show somebody is a little bit stupid or a little bit fat, they will figure it out, even if they are the thinnest person on there and the brightest person on there. It's all about being mindful of what we consume, really. Yeah. And intentional. Or just appreciating what it is that we're watching. If it's for entertainment, and don't take it so seriously. And we can all get a little bit consumed by it and get locked into this kind of tunnel vision, this social media world where we're just going Oh, what do you mean that's not real? Anyway, we still haven't talked about Is He Here yet. We're almost on our final section. Well, what are you waiting for, Miss Hazel? Oh, what am I waiting for? I feel like we're gonna have to— Are you here yet? Only partially, mentally. 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I have said before to my producer that we should do a show of everything that is discussed off air, and then we quickly come back on just as, as like the, the theme music comes up and I'm like, "Oh yeah, we're doing a show. Yeah, yeah, cool. Yeah. So, women's radio station, I'm Hazel and here is Tony Ortega." Woo-woo! We have raced through and I feel like there's so much that we haven't talked about. Well, they'll have to pick up the book and then, you know, contact me on social media and we could chat. Yeah, because you love social media so much. You know, we need it. We do, we do, and there is a positive use for it. Mm-hmm, absolutely. And there's squillion negative uses for it as well. What I would like to talk about is your first book, Is He Here Yet? Instead of the one that you're just releasing, Are You Here Yet? So, #IsHeHereYet, Being the Person You Want to Be With, was born out of a pretty horrific 69-day relationship with a narcissist. And I was in the shower one day. I had been doing all this research on dating and relationships. There was just nothing good out there. A, for gay men, and B, it was all this lack mentality. It didn't give people this empowerment to do the work to obtain what they want. There's a book out there and I'm not talking trash about it. It's called Calling in the One. I always had a problem with that title. And so for me, it's like, no, it's not about calling in the one, it's about being the one. So really, the first 8 chapters, you don't even go on a date. The date chapter is chapter 9 in that book. And it's looking at all of the stuff that might be presenting barriers in your dating and romantic life, like not healing things about the past, you know, holding on to very strict outcomes, you know, different things, you know, communication and all of these things. And, you know, at the end of every chapter, you get to— in that book, it's called Makeover Moments— and you get to really dig deep and take a look at what's going on and personalize this information. And what you were saying about the book that you didn't particularly like, it's all about chasing somebody else. How— it must be exhausting just constantly, you know, being told we need to chase somebody. Sort ourselves out. What was it, the great saying that you've got in there from RuPaul? How can you— if you don't love yourself, how in the hell you're gonna love somebody else? Oh, you, you've just got that. Yeah, I've only heard her say that like 3 million times. I have just got onto RuPaul's Drag Race. I'm just absolutely loving it. The UK season? Yeah, I did watch a little bit of the American season as well, but season 6 is my favorite. Oh really? Of the American? Yes. Oh, well, I might go and check that one out. I quite like the English one because I'm a northerner, although my accent doesn't always give that away, but I love it. Like, some of the guys going, I'm from Brig House, uh, yes, I'm gonna bring it on, uh, and then you've got like, um, Some of them are just, they're hilarious. But there is, when we talked about, you know, orchestrated situations within reality TV, this is a known factor within, you know, Drag Race. It is, we know that's what's happening and that's what's hilarious about it. I mean, in one episode, the winner of the previous episode had to rate them from biggest Highest threat to lowest threat. Identify the tops and the bottoms. Yes, yeah, the tops and the bottoms. And I was just like, oh, it's like you're trying to get them to all be a little bit bitchy. Obviously that is what they're trying to do, and that's just, that's, that is hilarious. But they make it as part of the act. Exactly, there's like no pretense. It's like, yeah, this is what we're trying to do. Yeah, brilliant, absolutely love it. Although I was just sitting there going, 'Look at your eye makeup, it's so good.' I mean, I, I put on mascara this morning, I think I smudged it already. But they do this for a living, honey. I know, but that's the thing, it is that comparative thing as well. And I was a little bit— but I think that's kind of okay because I'm just like in awe. It's not like I'm gonna go home and go, 'Oh, I can't make myself look like Actually, you know what, I did see a lot of people on the tube this morning, a lot of females who are trying to make themselves look like drag queens. Love it. Yeah, I don't know whether it's intentional or whether they're aware that that's what they're doing, but still, the drag queens are smashing it. Yes, they are. And, uh, but yeah, it's— that's just a little bit of fun as well, and it's not going to cause people to go, oh, I'm not attaining something in my life. It's It's fun, it's comedy, it's performance. You don't kind of go to the West End and watch a musical and see them singing and dancing and just go, well, when I was singing last night in the shower, it didn't sound like that. It is entertainment, and that is what it's all about. And just recognizing that, you know, just because they're doing that, there's nothing wrong with you. You know, you're consuming this, you're getting entertained by it because you have other gifts. That you're putting out in the world. But it's all again about being fierce and just completely owning it and showing up for themselves. There's like a 19-year-old, I've never done it before, but I'm smashing it. And I like that. And the thing is, with books like yours, especially the language that you use in it, you kind of sit there going, haha, I'm just gonna completely smash this out of the park. Completely. Well, I think that at the end with the tea time, I think that's where, you know, the rubber meets the road because, you know, as we were talking off air, we read lots of books. The moment we close the book, we put it down, it's out of our head. Right. And so at the end of every chapter, you have— it's Tea Time with Tony where I serve the tea. But really, it's all about getting the concepts in the chapter, you answering the questions to yourself. No one's going to know this. So it's like you hold, you're looking right at the mirror and being butt honest with yourself. And it's like, okay, how is this impacting me? And it's, and 'cause all the different chapters are, you know, they're covering slightly different issues. And your tea time is, I'm just trying to find one of my favorite tea times as well. It's like a toolkit. Well, you have toolkits as well, don't you, in there? Tea time with Tony. So reality check, are you a drama queen? No, really. Are you a drama queen? Asking yourself questions, question your motives, your behaviour, the internal dialogue. And also you do a really good tea time with Tony about being a bit of a victim as well and treating yourself like a victim. Now, all these tea times with Tony, these are the sort of things where I read a lot of books, but this is one of those books that you keep at the side of the toilet so that if you want to spend a little bit longer in there, you kind of pick it up and just go, I got a bit of time. And you ask yourselves these questions again because it's not— they're not exclusively used just once. It's not one of those books where you just go, I've read it. Yeah, yeah, you go back to it. It's ever-evolving, just like our own development. Exactly. You know, I'm not the person I was a year ago. You know, and I was— and that person was not the person from a year before that, and so on and so on. We're always evolving. And these are things that we could look, look back on from time to time and see like, oh, look at how far I've come. I'm like, oh, I still haven't done that yet. Yeah, okay, it's about time I do it. But sometimes we get stuck in a rut. I mean, I could read this and for the next— I know for at least the next few weeks I'll be like using your phrases, which it's helpful because it's mentally, that's fantastic. And maybe in a month or two something happens and I'm just like, oh, I need a little bit of an injection, a bit of a Dr. T injection. I'm all for the Dr. T injection. And I'll pick it up again. And do you know what? It might just be that I just scan through the chapters and go, that's one I need to read again. And you just remind yourself and give you that kind of, it's a bit like, I'm a big fan of watching TV programs that kind of boost you. And things like, there's quite a few, um, English TV programs that you might not have heard of that are just so funny and so fierce and so ridiculous that they kind of just make you giggle and not think about things so seriously. And it kind of just changes your mentality, a bit like with Sex and the City. We all felt a little bit more fierce after that. Oh, absolutely. And it— and it— and this is like the literary version of a bit of Sex and the City. Yes, if you like that. I will own that one. I'm gonna— I'm calling my agent and publisher when on and be like, this is how you promote it now. Thank you, Hazel. You do realize though that I've never seen Grey's Anatomy and it's now on my list to go and watch it because there are— you mentioned a couple of quotes and I was like, I've got to do it now. It was only, uh, I think I'm referring to something she said in the first or second season, so you just have to do the first, second season, then you're fine. Oh, is that all right? Oh good, well then I've got time to do something. I'll maybe go back to Sex and the City or something like that. Um, we've come to the end of the show really quickly, so I just want 3 top tips on mental wellbeing. Again, this is women's radio station, but we have men and women listening. Can be, it can be focused on women or just humans or guinea pigs or dogs, anybody that's listening really. Number 1, there, you are whole and complete. You don't need to be cured, you don't need to be fixed, you don't need anything outside of yourself to be whole and complete. You already are. Number 2, stop waiting for something to happen for you to take action on something. If you want it, just do it. You'll figure it out. I never wrote a book before the first one. I reached out, now I got 2 done and 2 comic book issues as well. Number 3, I'm going to go back to Change Your Words, Change Your Life. If we really get very mindful about the words we use in our own inner dialogue, we're going to change how we see the outside. And when that, that relates to again, your section on being a victim, stop making out that somebody did something bad to you. Do you know what? There's probably a very good outcome because they might have treated you badly and it made you behave a slightly different way, maybe for the good of other people or just because internally it made you feel better with who you are now. Or do you know what? Just reframe how you think about yourself. I think it's fantastic. I've gotta say, love your book. Thank you. Thank you so much. I want, I want you to, uh, tell me where I can get hold of those comics as well. Uh, but Dr. Tony Ortega, Are You Here Yet? How to show the fudge up and show up for yourself. Um, fantastic book. I cannot wait. Best of luck with the book. Thank you very much. Will you come back in and chat to us for the third, fourth, and fifth book? Oh, absolutely. I'm over here. Yes, for sure. Nailed it. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte, on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie May Is Listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy, and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well-being, and we're talking all things autism. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Meg Matthews, and I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Join us for a brand new show on Woman's Radio Station. It's the Meg's Menopause Show. Yes, for the first time on radio, there's an entire show dedicated to the menopause. A fresh new approach where we inform you of all the choices and treatments that are out there. Supportive and empowering, this is your show. So join us every week with a host of celebrity guests, our very own resident doctor, where we talk about everything menopause. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of 3, and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show, From Tummy to Mummy, here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything fertility, pregnancy, birth, and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing Show, supporting women's wellbeing. On my show, I bring you ordinary women like me and you who are sharing their unique stories, women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes and who are taking back their power. And together, our mission is a simple one, and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too, to don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover, and mental health advocate, and you can listen to my show Get Booked here at Women's Radio Station daily at 5 AM and 5 PM. Throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers, and book enthusiasts, all with the theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well-being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch at presenters@womensradiostation.com. Join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. You're listening to Women's Radio Station, supporting women's well-being. Women's Radio Station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women, and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadioStation, that's Women's Radio Station, or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs.