Healing Image Hi – Go Jess!

Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station for another in my series called Healing Image High. So Healing Image High is, um, the name that I've used for a project that helped me, um, alongside my treatment for dissociative identity disorder. Dissociative disorders are They're not always recognized very early, particularly in the United Kingdom, because it's not recognized in our country. So it's a little bit like complex PTSD, so sort of repeated trauma, but it's slightly— if it was on a ladder, it would be maybe the next rung up, and it's where As I've experienced really quite severe trauma as a child, going on for over quite a few years, then because I couldn't physically remove myself from the trauma that I was experiencing, I was unable to physically get away. So my body went into a state of, of freeze, and then from there then my brain would sort of switch out, and that's how I managed to cope with it. And what happens to me now in my life— so I'm 57 now, so we're nearly— we're talking sort of almost 50 years ago since this started— is that if there's a trigger in, in my sort of day-to-day life, it could be even something that I read or something that I see, um, not just about the things that I do, then I can be triggered into going into a dissociative state. And it's, it's not, it's not a safe thing to do. So what I'm doing at the moment is working now with a specialist who is trained to, uh, to understand and to have the skills to treat people who do suffer from dissociative disorders to, to manage my triggers and to try and stop this dissociating happening, because I don't need to do this anymore. I'm not actually in danger now, but I'm almost in danger for myself and being triggered back to lots of memories. So for, for everybody who kind of knows me Not everyone knows about this that I know. It's not something you want to go up and say, you know, "Hi, I was like abused." It's a difficult one of really to know who to say anything to. Because sometimes, you know, I don't want to maybe go out to something if I think that it might be a trigger or I get quite sort of social anxiety. I'm not very good in busy places. I need to take care of myself without giving a huge lengthy explanation. It's just that at the moment, I'm sorry, I, I'm really sorry. I would if I could, but I can't come. And so a little bit about my mental health I need to say, but I, I'd kind of like to be the person that they don't associate that with all the time because that's just a part of my life. A lot of it is absolutely, you know, fine. And we can go for a long, long time where I am fine. But so So from the outside world, I have sort of friends and family who, they know like the word abuse, like what happened, but they don't actually know the details and things of what happened, and they don't need to. But there are things that I've kept and things that suddenly come back to my memory. That I need a safe place to deal with this. So seeing my consultant psychotherapist who is trained, and it's the first time in my life, and this is sort of after 33 years of being in the mental healthcare system, whether it be private or the NHS in the UK, and whether it be in the UK or actually I have even been to the United States that I've actually got someone who I know is going to be alongside me for quite a long time. It's consistently there, and I can say actually what I want. What it might seem to other people that it would be quite an inappropriate thing to say or to even know about, because what I experienced no one should know about. But I do know about it, and I need somewhere to say it. And it's actually the first time in my life that I've been able to say things to somebody who's not looked really shocked or not looked like, "Oh my goodness, like, I don't know what I'm going to say to this." So I always get a really helpful response. But my friends and my family— my treatment at the moment is predicted to last 6 years. We're into the first year now. And that's actually gone pretty quickly. But people will see that, you know, I have my— I have a lovely family and, you know, my home and my friends, and people say, well, you know, you just need to put it behind you, move on with your life. 'Look at what you've got.' And it's really difficult to know what to say in response to that because, yeah, absolutely, I would love that. It's not like attention-seeking or going over the past. And, well, it is going over the past, but it— but for the first time properly. So that's the key difference. And I'm actually been reading a book I don't often read books. It takes me about 4 months to get into them. I, I sort of pick it down, put it up, and I can't remember what I've read. I can't take it in. I have to go back to the beginning, start again. But I've actually got into a book, and yesterday I was reading just before, um, a part, the next part of the book, there was a page with a quote, and it, it really was something. I thought, gosh, this is actually come at the right time for me. And so I'm going to read it. It says, unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. And that was said by Sigmund Freud. And that really resonates with me because that's what I need to do, work on unexpressed emotions and They're actually emotions that I don't believe, you know, I should have experienced, or I wasn't able to experience them properly. Because when things are happening to you with adults that are meant to be, you know, trusted and safe for you, and they're not, then it is unexpressed emotions. And they— I, I kind of tried to, to put this off, but it just made the situation worse in, in an awful lot of ways. So I, I had to go through with this and then learn that it would be over. And but it wasn't over because then it was repeat— things were repeated. So I really appreciate the concern of people around me who say, you know, you can do this, you have this, you— yeah, I do, but I also have unhealed trauma and I need to finish my treatment. If I had a sort of medical diagnosis of, um, I don't know, a heart condition or something like that, though, people wouldn't say to me, you've got to stop your treatment and live your life. They would be inquiring about how it was going and how you're feeling. But I think we've got a long way to go for people to actually really understand how to, to respond or how to initiate a conversation around a lot of mental health issues. And I've got it stacked against me because living in the United Kingdom, dissociative disorders are— they're not recognized. So diagnosis is, is poor. Um, people aren't able— nobody's trained to diagnose it. And so I'm now seeing, um, a person who has been trained. I don't know whether the training was in Europe or the United States, but there's 40 years of research and evidence about dissociative disorders, but it's still not recognized in the UK. So I think that is why I have spent so long just not getting the treatment. So to my family and friends, it looks like I've not got better, or I've sort of stayed the same, or maybe I've even got worse. But I think it's more that we didn't get the right diagnosis, so I wasn't seeing the right people. I need to have a— well, I'll give you a bit of an example as to why I think this needs to change. So I need a small operation, is nothing massive, and it's to my feet. So there you go. And, um, I've had, I've had surgery to, to my feet before, but this is just hopefully the last round of it. Now, anybody coming near me and touching me, like, if you've been abused, then it's kind of a bit. You, you got to go with it, as it is for me now as the patient going through what I need to go through now. But, and also remembering that, you know, this is a different situation and I'm not in under threat or anything like that. But it could also, you know, um, pain can be a trigger for me And so as a matter of course now, if anything like this happens, then the medical— my consultant for my feet, he is informed that I have a dissociative disorder. But he said he'd received the letter when I saw him, but he didn't actually really know what it was. And that for me is disappointing and it's really unhelpful, but it's not, it's not unsurprising because it's just not something that anybody who's going through medical training in the UK will actually be told about or need to know about because it's just not something that, that we have any structure or support for. So I'm extremely lucky. I'm only one of about 50 people who's been seen by specialists from the centre that I'm now referred to. To. And my treatment is funded by, um, by the government because it's just not available in our health service. So it's, it's really— I don't want to upset people and say, I'm sorry, but, you know, I've got to go through this. And they only see— they probably see the me that I want to be and the me that I should be, but there's an awful lot that happened to me that, that there is a me that is very, very different and I need to be able to live comfortably with that and, and safely. So I am a mum, um, and I have 3, like, the most amazing children and, um, they are just, yeah, I think just absolutely incredible. Um, and they've been through so much with me, and that is always going to be the biggest sort of regret or the biggest distress in my life, because nobody should have gone through what I've gone through, but nobody should have gone through what my family have gone through, and in particular my my husband and my children. They had to try and manage all of this, going through it over many years with a mum that wasn't really very well at times, and a mum that wasn't at home at times because she was, you know, in hospital. Or, um, when I went to America, I was there for 70 days. So that's a long time to be away from your, your family and your children. And contact is very limited as well. And they've also had to see my parents and other family members being sort of involved in the police investigation process. And for my children, it's been very, very difficult. Um, they didn't— nobody I've tried to support them, and there's things that, you know, they know about me that I wish they didn't because I wish it hadn't happened. But fundamentally, my kids actually are pretty good, and they've done what they want to do in life, and that's the greatest thing that I want for them, and for them to be happy. But we're very close, actually. We are. I like to hope that I have been a good mum. I've tried to be as good a mum as I could have been. And they've all left home now because they're sort of in their mid-20s to sort of early 30s, the age range. And I think we are just— I'd like to hope that because they know I've not exactly had the most perfect experience in my life, they could come to me with pretty much anything, and I want to help. And I hope that they see that with me getting help, then that's the sort of family that we are. If there's something wrong We're going to get the help. So I have one of my children— I've said this in previous broadcasts— when they were— when she was a baby, just over a year old, she was diagnosed with leukemia. And I think from that day, her treatment was over 3 years, but more, slightly more than 3 years. I managed to— that was my focus. I had to— I had a— she was— I already had an older child as well, but our whole lives just turned upside down, um, and I had to stay like that for, you know, for a very, very long time. So I had to— my whole energy just went into looking after my children, not just the one that wasn't very well, but my, my other child as well. And it was quite difficult, but we had the most amazing support from family and friends and also an incredible support from the hospital and the medical team. And it, you know, you just have to go through it. It becomes your new normal. And I got through that. And my daughter, there were some sort of complications from effects of chemotherapy that she had to have, and then we had to work on those as well. So that was basically her mobility and her speech. So I was pretty, you know, tied up, um, trying to live this life and doing the best and being there for everyone, and somehow managed to do it. Um, And I did do it. So anyway, she, she has to be a little bit careful that as somebody that's already had one type of cancer, then it makes that person in a more higher risk group to get another form. So we're pretty careful as a family. And actually, she's a doctor too, so she knows this. The hospital are absolutely great with this because now she is, you know, an adult, um, and she gets seen on her own, um, without us. So that, I mean, I'll go and accompany her if you would like me to. In fact, we, uh, I do. And then we need to go out afterwards or, you know, spend a bit of time together. But they see her on her own and they talk to her and it's been advice that she's needed and probably advice that she wouldn't take from me. So, 'cause I'm always saying like, you must really be careful with your skin. You know, my kids like being outdoors when it's sunny, they love being outside. I'm like, you must wear a hat, you must put this on your face. I buy things for them to put on their face to protect and I'm very sort of, up on sun care and get out the sun when it's really hot. Um, but she's not really listened to me on this. I've bought the things, but I can't actually make her apply them. If, you know, it's up to her to do that. Well, she had a little, um, mark on her face— well, bump on her face— and because of her history, she went to go and see a skin specialist. So which obviously I'm not, so I don't know anything about this, but I can advise on like how I wish I'd looked after my skin and known about like products that are available now. I have a really good, uh, I think it's Factor 50 spray that I just— it doesn't even feel like anything's gone on your face, but I wear it every day whenever I go out because I'm I don't really want to damage my skin. I'm hoping that, you know, I don't really want this to affect the aging process that I'm going through, and I don't want it for them. So I'm trying to give it to them, this information, a bit earlier because things are more available now. But she went to this, so I've bought all this stuff over the years and tried to give advice and repeat, you know, reinforce what the hospitals say about be careful when you go out in the sun and all that. Well, she went to see a specialist the other day and everything's fine, but they did say, you know, you should perhaps think about like, what is your skincare regime? That was it. What is your skincare regime? And she probably looked at them as to say, I think it was written all over her face that I don't really do this. I don't have one. So they talked her through it, this person. I didn't go for this appointment, and— but I did meet her afterwards, and she was talking to me about it, and I was thinking, yeah, actually, I have tried to say this to you, but sometimes things need to come from other people to make somebody listen. And hindsight's a really great thing, and I think with age you have this experience and knowledge that you want to give to other people, and especially my kids know that I want to be there for them and help them. So she's now got— listen to this— dermatologist, and she's now doing this. So I'm, I'm really, really pleased. One of my, my other kids, they, they're really good on it, but this one, I don't know why she needed somebody else to let her know, not always her mum. Then none of my children live at home, and I've called this, um, broadcast Go Jess. And Go Jess is a, like, a poster, a board that my daughter, who I've just been speaking about, made for one of her friends that she's known for, for years and years and years. Who ran the London Marathon just a week ago. And it came about that my daughter is— I don't think she'll mind me saying, but I'm going to say anyway— she's a doctor. She's a junior doctor. She's only in her second year. She's, she's an absolutely, like, inspirational, amazing daughter that I absolutely love, full of admiration for. And she's worked extremely hard to get where she is, to, to, to be a doctor. You know, she has been very, very ill, um, as a baby, but we've got through that and she's just absolutely worked it's so hard to get to want to be a doctor, to help people, probably in the way that people helped her. And she doesn't live at home, she lives with some friends, and that's lovely. And she's always, you know, we're always in contact on the phone, and she does come home when she can. She loves coming home. I think she comes home to see the dog, but I don't mind as long as she comes home. And She phoned me the other day and asked— she just burst into tears, and I was like absolutely like, I could, you know, floored. I didn't know what happened. I couldn't get her to stop crying to tell me what was wrong. And then she was trying to tell me that what's the point What is the point? Like, what's the point of what? I'm not quite understanding this. It's just in, in hospital, obviously people, you know, a lot of people are very ill. Um, you have to do shifts and nights, and, um, you know, she's only been qualified for one year. This is an early start of the second year. And she's having to deal a lot with, with the loss of life, of death, and patients who are dying, then patients who do pass away, and then dealing with their families. And there's not a lot of time to sort of process this, and she's just absolutely so, so upset about what is the point of life, what's the point of living, where do we go, how long have I got left. And I, I, I— there were two things. One was obviously I was upset because I want to say something about this, but also I was hugely relieved that she had actually called me because I like to think that my kids, they have— they— I want them to come to me with anything. Yeah, I mean, after what I've been through, nothing's really going to shock me, and I would do my best. But I'm not a professional. I'm not in her work situation. Um, I, I've never had to deal with death in this way. And I just, you know, said, well, I talked to her, I listened, and there were— I could understand, I mean, it must be horrendous losing anybody, but when it's your job and you're trying to sort of look after people, but unfortunately, like, we had to say to her, isn't it, it's the only thing we're actually certain of, that we will depart this world, that we will die. And she started worrying that she— because she's not at home, that something might happen to like me or her dad or her siblings or anybody. And it's all really understandable. I can remember when I first found out that, you know, people died, was when I lost my grandpa, and I was probably only about 9 or 10, and I couldn't actually believe that that could happen and people wouldn't come back. I thought that's what doctors did. So I always found it quite— yeah, the day that it dawned on me, I can actually even remember where I was when my dad explained. That these people— my grandpa wouldn't— he wouldn't come back. So I, um, we finished the call, um, she, she told me what she was going to do, um, she was going to have a cup of tea and see some friends, and then she was going to come home in a couple of days because she had been doing nights. I think doing nights actually makes, um, This is the first time that she's doing nights. As a second-year qualified doctor, you start to do nights and on-calls. And I think your body clock gets messed up. And so I think there were external factors that were making this situation for her seem just completely overwhelming. So sort of lack of sleep and out of routine. But I've, you know, spoke to her every day, messaged her. She was honest and saying, no, I've been really upset, been crying. I just don't understand. And what's the point of everything? So I asked if she'd like to come with me for a session with my therapist because I want to know how to help, and I don't know what to say. And when I tried to do a little bit of research about this sort of a phobia of death, it actually does state that it is a— it's one of the phobias. I've talked about phobias before in my series, and, you know, I can't— I don't have the answers. I really don't. And I've said that. I said I just do not. But this is how I feel. I mean, I have this particular person in my heart who's my grandma. And I mean, I've had a lot of important people and people I love in my life, but to me, my grandma was just, she's the one that I really miss the most and the one that I probably loved the most just because the way our relationship was. And, you know, the fact that she used to have to— when she visited us, she would stay quite a while because she lived quite far away. So, you know, I spent a lot of time with my grandma and I try to explain to my daughter how I know that, you know, what we, what we shared and like what I had from her is something that I wouldn't want to be living without knowing about. I've got that deep in my heart, and that is the legacy that we can leave. So I asked if she'd like to come to a session with me to see my therapist, because I do worry, and I do, but I don't want to anticipate it or come up with it if it's not true. If my kids have, have, you know, the impact, and there's an impact from my mental health on them I don't know, and I'm not the best person always to know what to do or to say, but in some ways maybe I am. I don't know, because I have gone through struggles and I have felt loss, and I felt lost for myself as a kid for what I went through, and that still hurts very much. So I do have some understanding of really overwhelming, sort of confusing feelings. So we met and it was just with my therapist and it was, you know, I just— this comes at the time when there's just been the— there's a lot in the press about this poor teenage girl, Molly Russell, who 5 years ago at the age of 14, um, took her own life in her bedroom. Um, and they've now— there's, um, in the statement, I can't remember, it's the judge or the coroner, but they're saying that the social media content on platforms and the algorithms that this, this poor girl was looking at through her phone or whatever device she was on has had an impact on her mental health and what happens to her and taking her life. And, you know, I want to— my kids have got a— this, this this 14-year-old, or there must be, was not able to say to her family or friends what she was seeing, what was distressing, what was upsetting her, what feelings she was having. That didn't seem to come out. So I just do not want to be, if I hear something, I wanna act on it. And if it's a slightly overreaction and we go and get some advice and see if she's comfortable with doing that, then I'd rather go that way and err on the side of caution. So I'm extremely pleased that my kids are able to come to me. So the reason I want to talk about this and link it to Molly Russell was that, you know, that was someone's daughter and it's an absolute tragedy. And my daughter was going— was able to communicate to me that she was in distress about something. And explain what it was. So I wanted to act on it. Well, something I hadn't thought about, or she actually hadn't, but she put it together for herself, was that these feelings had actually really stemmed from when the Queen died. And so she was having to obviously the mood of the country, all the news, everything was around the death of our Queen. And then she was dealing with like death at work and she just found that it, it really, really impacted so much on her that, um, it almost triggered this reaction. I don't know, maybe it's a good thing to have this now so that we can she can look at it and we can discuss it. So she talked about it and I just listened, and the person that we were with was extremely helpful and did say that, you know, quite a lot of medical professionals do go and get some help because it's not actually readily available to staff, this sort of support. And actually, how do you know when you need it or if you're going to need it? I don't know. But we, we sat together and next to her, and I don't think it should take sitting with a therapist to sort of bring this out, but we were talking. She— they did talk about what happened to me, and my daughter was able to sort of explain a little bit about how she felt about that and how she felt about me. And that was really helpful. I don't think we would have had this conversation if this hadn't occurred, but having somebody with us who, you know, I'm perfectly comfortable with, and so was my daughter, was actually extremely helpful. So that's why I wanted to share it. But we sat there, and we're, you know, we're close, we speak, we're together, we go out, you know, we We have her friends come over, you know, she comes on holiday with us a lot. And in fact, we're going away next week all together to, to the same place. We go to the same place. We have been going there for about 20 years, but it really works for us. It works for me because I know what I'm going to, so I don't have the anxiety around where I'm going and what I'm going to be doing and and all those sorts of things, and I know what I'm going to need. And we just all relax as a family, and we like going to the, you know, repeat our memories that we've done and we've done. And somehow the conversation went to my daughter sitting there saying to me, do you know what my best moments are, Mum, in my life? It's like, no, well, no, but I said, tell me, tell me what they are. She said, it's when we're away and I get up in the morning and I put the kettle on and then I go down to the shop. It's about a 3-minute walk and the children have been doing this for many, many years. I mean, they obviously used to go together when they were a bit younger, but now they're nearly 30, they can jolly well get there on their own and then come back and make a coffee and bring me up a pain au chocolat in bed and her tea and her pain au chocolat as well and sit with me in bed and just have our drink and our pain au chocolat. That is— so she just loves that, absolutely loves it. And It was just— how something— I didn't know how much she loved doing that. I almost felt like I should wake up and leap out of bed and I should be the person doing that for her, you know, to repay that. Because— and I actually love that too. I love hearing the door handle, the door go, and her coming in and sort of sitting on the bed and, you know, how the mattress depresses and she sits next to me. And it is really lovely, and we are really, really close. And just to hear that, you know, in this world where you've got all of this sort of people going on to social media and everything that that could be, like, um, I mean, your, your phone can be your friend or it can be your foe, and it could be your access to a world that is just, well, apparently now it's sort of unsolicited by, um, and I, I really hope that this result outcome from the tragic loss of Molly Russell and the bravery of her parents for 5 years trying to highlight the impact of social media, that we can all have conversation about it because My daughter's feeling a lot, lot better now, and, um, she's going to have a little bit of support if she needs it. Again, is that's going to be available, but at least I know now what was distressing her so much. And I think it found her a long time to actually identify what it was. I don't think she really knew. So my message is go and sit on your, you know, your kids' beds. Invite them to sit on your bed and have a, have a drink, or go and sit with them and talk to them where they are and observe what they're enjoying. So I've called this Go Jess because through all this sort of sadness and unanswered questioning about sort of the meaning of life and what's it all about. Um, her friend Jess was running this marathon, so we went to a shop that sells sort of art supplies. And my daughter, she's run loads of marathons. I've done one and I will never do it again, but it was a really great achievement and amazing feeling. I did that with my husband and with my daughter and it was incredible, but I'm not built for running anymore. So she's gone through, you know, she's, she's working as a doctor, she's dealing with, you know, obviously patients that get very, very well and then go home, but she's also dealing with people who are very, very unwell. And then she has another life with her friends and things outside work. Excuse me. So we went to this shop and bought a great big board, whiteboard, so that she could use to write on. And then we got some stencil letters to spell out Go Jess! with an exclamation mark. And then some very bright color paint and some sticky dots. And I've gone from having the day before a really upset child— she's still my child even though she's an adult, I'm still, I'm still a child even though I'm 57, I'm my mum's child— and for like the whole afternoon she just sat there and was just engrossed in this art activity, if you like. And it just really struck me how important it is to notice what people like and what they need sometimes, is to, to go back. I mean, she used to really love art at school. She was really good at it. Doesn't matter if you're good at it or not, but if you like it. So, you know, you don't always need— I think if you can encourage or go with your kids and like do something like this and chat to them and spend more time with them and not be so busy and worrying about all the things and the pressures of life and things, but strip it back and just look at the, the simple things of, of enjoying— enjoyment— and just having time out doing something that you like. You know, we didn't have the TV on or any music as you sat there. And I've stuck a photograph of this from my— this is on the, um, women's radio station, um, site, and also my Instagram, which is Healing Image, @healingimagehi. I should really have done it @evamay, but I didn't really get that right. And it's, it's just really, really nice. And, and I've got a photograph of it, um, it's showing actually of— that's her hands on it, holding it up in the air for her friend. And that's really important to do something like that. I mean, her friend loved it, she enjoyed doing it. And so I just— my message really is just to spend time with your kids. And I don't know, I didn't even ever know that I needed to have a conversation like this about death, but I've tried to share how I feel about it with my daughter. And also there's obviously with her, because she has been through a life-threatening illness, then I don't know if that's a contributing factor, but I do understand how, you know, the media was— it was con— obviously it was going to be loss of the Queen. But then if you're then working in that sort of situation as well, she said in a hospital you don't even really get to know what time of the day it is. You're not really near any windows, so just working and working and working. And I don't— I think there's not going to be support They're because of the way things are at the moment. They're working under pressure. Resources aren't 100% there. I don't think they're ever going to be 100% there. So that's the message, is just listen. And it doesn't matter— just let your people know that it doesn't matter what they say to you. And if you don't know then you go and sort of find out or ask someone for advice. Because I'm certainly glad that I've done this, and, you know, my kids, they know that I will do this in the future if something they need to talk about. But there really isn't— maybe it's because of what happened to me— there isn't a lot that shocks me. But there isn't— sometimes there are things where I need, we need to go and get advice, and I want them to know that. We have to have a conversation about sort of bad things that happen that disturb us, and that conversation needs to now go to what, you know, young people are seeing on social media. And how it's making them feel. I don't know how that's really going to happen. I think it's extremely sad. I don't use the platforms that are being talked about in the press, but I think they definitely have a responsibility to make sure that content and algorithms that are produced by algorithms aren't going to be detrimental to anybody's health and put someone's, well, life at risk, like a life of misery, or make them depressed or enforce that depression. Because actually, if you sit and talk to your kids and you find out that You know, next week when we go away as a family, one of her best moments every day will be going out and buying my pain au chocolat and making me a black coffee, and then turning that door handle and coming in with a tray and just spending some time together in the morning. And that's absolute gold. That's absolutely like— I'm just so sort of happy that I know that because I thought she thought I was a bit lazy, to be honest, not getting up, you know, like, why doesn't Mum go down to the shop? But my kids have been going to this shop for about 20 years, so it's, uh, obviously something that they link to happy, happy times. And that's what I think is really important. So that's why this is called Go Jess, and Jess did absolutely brilliantly running her marathon, that sitting down and doing a poster for banner for your friend and just letting your brain be creative, how that really, really, really can help. Because that's what, you know, my kids used to love doing things like that, and that's still in them. So that's, that's my message. And just don't be afraid of help. I know my daughter is, she said she's feeling an awful lot better. Not always, not every day, sometimes she just has moments, but at least now she's able to talk about it and then we can talk, we discuss it together and then we go on and then talk about other things and so it becomes part of normal conversation and I have absolutely no idea how it must feel because I, I'm not a doctor. I've not had to deal with these sorts of situations. Um, I can't imagine what it's like dealing with loss of life like that in your work and families and, um, things like that. It must be extremely hard, and you have to get up and go on and move on with the job. So that's why I went to go and get some advice, because if somebody's in distress, then I'm gonna do what I can to help. Because I, I'm do, and I have been, and I will be experiencing distress from what happened to me. Because like we said before, unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. And that's what we have to stop, is the coming forth later in uglier ways, because they're ugly as they are. They are really are ugly. And, you know, uglier ways, um, for, for Molly Russell, and that she's not a 19-year-old going out into the world now, maybe at university, you know, living away from home and, you know, pursuing a life that she wanted to. Um, and to think that somebody's company is putting out there things that could actually harm people like her is Well, it's something that I don't think society can— it's got to say, we've got to say no to it. But I don't know how you do that because with what happens to me, so like being abused, people might say, oh, like, well, where were the parents? Well, my parents were there and they didn't know what was going on. The people are clever. Well, social media platforms— the parents were there, but these media platforms are very clever. And that's what we need to have discussions about, is when it becomes a feeling in you where you know it's not right and it's got to— you can't deal with it, it gets too much. So my daughter, she's 28, she was getting these feelings. She didn't ask for them, they just naturally occurred about people who— of death. And then it was impacted more, I can see that, the death of the Queen. I mean, I was reading and listening to the news every day, and it was a terribly sad event. It is a terribly sad event. But then if you're, you're working with acutely ill patients, um, and that is your sort of 24/7 life, then yeah, that, that is a big impact. Um, so anyway, we're looking forward to next week when everybody comes here, um, and being together as a family, and we will be doing things together and repeating the stuff that we've done here, we've done when we've been on holiday for sort of 20 years, go to the same places, go and see some of the same people. And I just think it's really important to revisit sometimes the things that you used to love doing, no matter how simple they are. So like, like painting, or, um, we do jigsaw puzzles. We always have one of those on the go when we go away, um, and just doing simple things like that together is actually really, really nice. So I have to be really careful with what I view, um, because of what happened to me, I can't really watch things that have a lot of violence in them or sort of sexual content or anything to do with abuse. I can't deal with that at all, and that's fine. That's absolutely how I need to be. I don't want to see that stuff. I have a choice, and it's not good for me. I'd rather— there's plenty of other stuff I prefer to do. But at the end of the day, I'd rather spend time with my family and my friends than being on my phone. My family might laugh at that, probably say I'm on my phone a lot, but I use it for reading and for keeping in touch with friends that I have on, you know, group chats. And I really like the group chats, people that I can't see very often or have time to phone. Maybe they, they work and they have families. So, you know, group chats is nice. It's better than, um, you know, if you can add photographs, you couldn't put videos up. It's actually a really nice way of keeping— and I like this new way of communication for that reason. But hearing what what has been put out to young people and things like dangerous challenges that has actually lost people their lives, like children, then I can't understand what sort of society allows that. Because what happened to me when I was abused is something that society sort of says it doesn't tolerate. But it happened. You don't quite know there's a, there's a predator among you when you're talking about people. But now we know that there is a predator among us when we talk about, you know, the internet or social media platforms. I think it is like a predator among us that we need to be— we need to get to know so that it cannot be a predator anymore. It's going to take a long time, and the way that these things move very quickly and the, the damage that it may be already done to people, then I think it's going to take everybody a huge amount of effort to try and tackle this head-on. But if you just try and, like, to try and tackle it with your own, in your own family, in your own setting, so, and find things that you can, you can do to discuss what you do like doing. I mean, I'm absolutely delighted that my daughter's going to be bringing me coffee and pain au chocolat every morning when we're away. That's, that's amazing. Lovely, thank you. And that's one of her favorite times and memories that she has with me. So I've actually been lazy for probably about 20 years, I think she's saying. And I, and I just, I hate to think what sort of people, why people would put this sort of content up, like why it's even there. But then there's the same sort of question as like, why do adults harm children. It's gonna, it's gonna happen. I mean, I'm not going to be the first person and I'm not going to be the last, and I wish I was, but I'm not. And, you know, Molly Russell and all the other people like her who are viewing disturbed things that are disturbing them and making them feel isolated and unable to talk, then we're going to need to address this head-on. And I think within a family, maybe we can do this and be aware of— we have to be aware of what our family members are, you know, what external stresses are happening to them. And, you know, for my daughter, it took her to become very, very upset before she was able to say anything. And I'm lucky that she did say something, because it could have gone the other way. She could have just, you know, not, not tried to get some help for it. And from all that happened to me, if one thing comes out that's good is that my kids— or maybe if you're listening to this, you could think you could relate to it— you have a chat and just find out. Even, even if you sit and have a chat with someone else and your, and your kids and find out, you know, what— talk about things that you used to do. Look at old photographs and try and find out what people like to do. Because watching my daughter painting that poster for Jess that says 'Go Jess' just sitting there perfectly happy. Yep, I kept the cups of tea coming. It's sometimes just strip it back to the really, really simple things. So we've gone from a really sort of difficult discussion and where she was extremely distressed about around issues about death and her own mortality and about a family and the Queen, to then going to somebody who had been able to have a, have a really nice creative time and be okay. And obviously there were lots and lots of hugs, and she sort of thanked me, but I thanked her as well for coming to me with things that are difficult and Yeah, I'm looking forward to our next, next steps. I mean, my kids will always be my kids, like I say, and, um, and just knowing that they could, they can come to me because my other two, they know about— we've, we've now just been able to talk about this with them so they can all support each other and times talking to somebody and just finding out what they love and letting them do what they love, then I hope that's going to make things a little bit better, certainly in our family. So I'd like to thank you for listening to this, and, um, and it— there are a few other broadcasts that I've done previously with guests and others, just myself talking. So if you do, they are available through the Women's Radio Station website. Um, and if you look under presenter's name and then go to Eva May, then all my, my broadcasts will come up. Um, so please do listen if you're interested, and I look forward to recording next week, and thank you very much for listening. So this is Eva May for the Women's Radio Station, and goodbye.