Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station for another of my Healing Image High series. I'll do a quick recap about Healing Image High. It really was just me as a person who was struggling a little bit with their image and how to look at themselves. What beauty products and things that I could use if I wanted to, and also really help with my, my wardrobe. Um, I lost the way a bit, um, which it kind of, um, it, it came up by surprise, and then I didn't realize till I really wanted to try and do this that I'd actually lost the skills. That I, I'd had for years, years and years, decades. But as a result of trauma, when I needed to actually sort of stop, take stock of what had happened to me with trauma in my childhood, and also I think having my children become independent from me. I mean, obviously they're always going to need me, but, you know, they are now young adults, so it's a different thing. And I was always extremely busy. I have 3 of them, and yeah, we were always pretty busy. And I also had a job which I did for, for 20, over 20 years. So I had the, the culture of sort of being a mum and knowing how to go out and what to do. And I also had my work culture, and the job that I did in some way sort of supported what I needed to wear and how I needed to present myself. So without a job and without having children that needed me quite so much— in fact, they left home— I just crashed. Big time. It was like everything that had ever happened to me, although I had been in therapy, been to what you would probably call rehab facilities, like as a resident in the United Kingdom where I live, and also in the United States where where I needed to go. There was— it was a time in my life where I ended up in hospital very, very unwell from some harm that happened to me because I have something called dissociative identity disorder, where, you know, parts of me, um, they're different. They don't all get on. They're there— they were there for a good reason in the beginning. So dissociative identity disorder where you're— if you physically cannot get away from some harm, then your mind will go and take you away from it. I always described it as a place that I could go behind my eyes, and, and that helped me, um, block out trauma feeling, what I was seeing, uh, how I— yeah, just everything that was happening. So all of a sudden I was kind of left in the house and I didn't know what to do. I did go through a police investigation into the abuse that happened to me, and I was working at the time, and that was extremely hard because to do a full-time job and to give your best, which is certainly what I set out to do every day, and then find yourself in the middle of a police investigation which you can't stop. It, it's a process that needs to go. There's an agenda and you have to, to go with it and it affects your family. They have to know things or they certainly have to know certain things They need to care for you a little bit more in a way that they've not had to do before. They also need to look after themselves, and we all got in a pretty big mess, me in particular. So I stayed at home for about 4 years not wanting to leave my house. Well, I did want to, but I couldn't. I tried, and some days I thought, yeah, I'm gonna do it, I'm going to absolutely, like, go out today. But I used to like nearly get outside and just sit and look at the outside, and that felt better than just being in the house. But anyway, I— for me, I needed to reach out to some image professionals. I looked at other people and I couldn't quite understand how they got themselves all together and they looked so good because I didn't see myself in that way anymore. I did try to book an appointment for some help with makeup in a small department store. It's actually my favourite shop and it is small, but I love the things in there. It's also the shop where I bought my wedding dress and I thought it would be all right to go there. I mean, I had been married for quite a long time, so it was a long time since I got my dress from there. But I didn't actually get the help I needed. I got made up on a busy shop floor, and I didn't really understand what on earth was going on. Things were just being sort of put on my face, and people were looking at me, and it wasn't a good experience at all. I'm, I'm pretty sure the person that helped me was very good, and knowledgeable, but I don't think that she quite understood that I was really starting from the very, very beginning and needed some just very simple things. So I nearly gave up and thought, right, I, I'm just not going to be able to do this. So this was meant to be a recap, now I'm talking about the whole thing. Anyway, I had a cousin who had worked for many years in fashion. She worked more on the clothing side. She arranged sort of fashion shows and clothing events, sort of events for buyers and things like that, and I asked her if she could possibly help me It meant that I had to take risk and tell her things about me that she previously didn't know, because really nobody knew. Um, my trauma happened when I was very, very young. Well, that's when this sort of grooming process started, and I didn't have the words and I was also living in a world where adults around me kept me safe, and I obviously had family and friends, and everything like that appeared normal. So this thing that didn't feel right didn't really have a place or a voice or the vocabulary, so there couldn't have been a voice. And, um, So it's taken, I think, till I got to an adult when I worked through problems that I just couldn't ignore anymore. I mean, dissociating was happening when I was triggered by things, and I would end up sort of pretty ill and often in hospital or found by my family in some sort of fairly dangerous situations that had resulted in, in self-harm. So it clearly wasn't something that could carry on. So I had been dealing with that. The therapist I see at the moment sort of described it a bit like if you have a wardrobe that's completely sort of rather full and you try and shut the door and the doors keep opening because there's just so much stuff in there, it needs a good old sort out. Well, that I think is probably quite a good analogy of what was happening to me, um, although I couldn't actually use my clothes in my wardrobe, but my sort of emotional wardrobe was definitely overflowing and not healthy. I didn't need those things anymore. Karen Franklin, who is the person that my cousin put me in touch with for help, she has this really lovely way of thinking about her clothes, saying that they're friends, and I quite like that. So basically, I had a wardrobe of emotions where most of those emotions, it was sort of spilling out and stopping me closing the doors and having everything orderly and look nice were not my friends at all. They were enemies and they needed to go. So anyway, I got the help with the, the clothes and things. I have a website called Healing Image Hai, which is on— you can Google it, it's healingimagehai.com, and It's got some, um, I actually do go back and look at it myself from time to time because the people that I work with on, on there with for hair, makeup, and clothing, uh, there's other things as well, but that was my first focus. I revisit it myself because there's some really good style notes from these people and some tips And they are professionals. I think my kids have sort of picked stuff about, like, beauty. They have their, their own style, their own sort of makeup, their preferred brands, the way that they do things. And I don't actually— they certainly haven't learned them from me, but I think they've, they've learned them from each other and experimenting, probably. So of social media and their friends. And I mean, me at the age of sort of 56, I can't go around to my friends and say, can we do our makeup together? Because it's like I've missed the boat, I'm way too old, that's not the sort of thing that we do. So anyway, I got the help, and, um, if you do look at my website, Healing Image Hi.com, you'll see some photographs of me and, uh, with, um, Karen Franklin, Jane Galpin, and some other people who helped me. Well, they were all taken by a professional photographer, and that's not everyday life. That was to show something, and it was a shoot day. And it was one of the best days of my life, actually. I don't usually like being in photographs, but I loved every minute of it. They made me feel absolutely amazing, but also at ease. And I'm, I'm really glad that I did this. And because image, even though I've been to, to places in the UK and the US and image or how you feel, what you wear, even though you've been through some trauma or you're suffering from mental health issues. I've not found that it's ever been spoken about or addressed or made a thing of. So, I mean, I did go and I went to to this rehab in America, in Arizona. And Arizona is hot. It's like, I think it's the hottest state. I mean, like, I did not realize that places could get this hot. So clothing that I took out, which would have been summer clothing for the UK, um, where we, we're lucky if we see the sun, you know, for several days running, let alone like this where it's absolutely baking all the time. I, I took out stuff that just wasn't comfortable enough or flowy enough, so I then had to, to buy some things and also wait for my family to send stuff over. But there was a dress code, and the dress code was that you basically had to keep yourself pretty much covered up. They didn't like anything like short. They didn't— I got told off one day because, um, some one member of staff could see my bra strap through the armhole of a t-shirt. So that's how sort of strict it was, and there was nothing that I could do about that. That top was taken away and put in my contraband drawer, which is locked in a staff area. So, but there's no point, and you can't kick up a fuss about this. You've just got to go with the rules, and that's what I did. Now, this week, that's a bit about healing image and a bit about getting into rehab and living by the rules. Now, while I was there in this particular place, and I was there for a long time. It was 70 days. Initially, I thought I was going for about 30 to 45 days, so when I got told that I needed to be there for 70, I felt quite shocked. And I was also cut off from my family. I didn't have a phone and I couldn't phone them. I had to wait for them to email me, and then I would get— it would be read and checked for content and then given to me, because obviously anything sort of alarming from home and stuff, it all has to be, um, screened. Or if there were issues, then one of the therapists would have spoken about it to me. They can't leave you— it's irresponsible to leave you that far away from home and then suddenly drop something into your sort of pigeonhole. Well, we call it pigeonhole, where you put your personal post, um, if it's not, if it's not all good. So anyway, I was in this situation and living with 23 other residents. Now, I wasn't going to do a broadcast about this at all this week. In fact, I was going to have a choice of two things. And for various reasons neither of those have happened. One nearly happened, but we had really bad recording problems because people were in like 3 countries, so I'm hoping that— we've got to do that again and get this sorted out a little better. And then the other one was with somebody who I met when I, I was at rehab in Arizona as a resident along with 23 other people. Now it was mixed and it was roughly half and half. I know, like, I can't— like, 23 doesn't go into 2, but you know, there's like sort of 11, 12 men, women there. And we all had to— there's the state laws for rehab, and I think they vary a bit from state to state, but where we were in Arizona, we couldn't have anybody— we could have people who were 17 and up, nobody else was allowed to be. If you're younger, there was a separate place for, for, um, people like that. So we, we had to live together in the most strange conditions when you think that we were trying to all deal with issues that required quite intensive therapy. And it was in— it was intensive in a really good way, mostly. There was also equine therapy, we had group activities, we had challenges, we did rock climbing, we went on trips, we did kickboxing, we did, um, we had movie nights, we did that. We were all thrown together and we had to live, sleep, eat, and work through our things together, and we did. And while I was there, I met several people who who I'm really, really fond of. Some I'm not in touch with anymore. This is 7 years ago, and I, I do understand that people's, like, lives move on, and they maybe don't want to be in touch with you anymore. Some I do still see or have messages from through social media. Um, one person who, who I'm in contact with, not, not intensely, but just, you know, no, I'm aware of them and they're aware of me. Is this, um, really super guy called Billy. And Billy, if you didn't get a chance to listen to last week's broadcast, then I've got— I'm speaking with Billy there. So this is really where this is going. I was hoping I was going to be able to speak to Billy again today and record, but we've now run out of time, so I can't speak with him today. But last week's, as Billy was speaking to us from Poland, he is from California in the United States. He's 30 years old and having watched the, uh, what was happening in Ukraine, he, he bought himself an air ticket to Poland and just turned up there as a volunteer. And I saw that he'd done this and been messaging him, and he spoke with me last week about He's in Poland and not with an organization. He just turned up as a person who just felt driven, as someone who's really kind and wants to help and wants to do the right thing, and also knows what difficulties are. He does speak, you know, he's had some struggles. Um, he knows some more about mine, and I know some about him. But what we were talking about last week was him actually being in Poland as a volunteer at a centre where they were receiving people from Ukraine, so refugees. And I mean, I, I can't actually really imagine what it's like. In my heart, I would love to be there to help, but practically I can't actually do that. But But Billy's out there, and he's been setting up a centre that has just gone up. It's in a base of Tesco's, which is a, you know, giant food supermarket chain, where they've given a warehouse and surrounding land where places have been put up to help these refugees. Be processed and then move to countries and places of safety. So how it works is they come in from Ukraine to Poland. It's not far from the Ukrainian border, and they get there by bus from the train station, or coaches and things, and they are greeted with— there's a couple of French guys who Billy was describing who run a tea and coffee um, well, like a pop-up coffee shop. So they like offer like tea, coffee, you know, to people. And you've got women who are carrying all their things and their children, and goodness knows what they've gone through. And he said just to see them get off the bus and be given, you know, a hot drink and a welcome smile, and to be able to put their bags down, and the children to be given some toys, and they join in playing football with with other children, and there's a big area where there's clothing so they can get themselves proper shoes, things that they've not managed to bring with them. And they also check that they get proper luggage, so things easy to carry. And if they've got older children who can also manage a suitcase, then they get given one too. And they can fill things in for this family for what they need. They get given a bed, they have a wide choice of food. There's a lot of people who've gone there, volunteer food companies who've set up stands. I think you can get pizza 24 hours of the day. There's always food available, and they get a really nicely made bed and clean washing facilities, and then they, they need to be, uh, they're processed. So they stay there for about 24 to 48 hours. So after the first night, they get moved into another area, or I think it's like a big marquee, and that depicts which country they're going to go to, whether they're going to be going to, to Germany or France. Or the UK, but that's how everything's broken down. So it's a really, really quick turnaround, and these volunteers have set up a camp to take up to 1,300 presently in that, in that one place, and I think they were up to about 50% capacity. So, I mean, Billy was finding it, um, he was quite emotional. Even if you listen to the broadcast, he was finding it really, really emotional, um, just seeing these, these people who, who are shocked about what is going on. They don't really understand. They know about what's happened to them, but, you know, Ukraine is about the size of France. They've not been getting information about what is going on, and they've been seeing some dreadful things. People are getting medical care there. There are doctors there who are volunteers from all over the world, and also psychologists, because I think that's going to become such an important thing. So, um, During my recording with Billy last time, which went out last week, he had to go. He needed to catch a bus to go to a train station, and he needed— he was— he'd chosen to go and do some driving. So, I was a bit worried about this, but he, you know, he's a sensible guy and he's aware of the risks and things. It's going there, but he's— he really so wants to help, and I'm full of admiration for him. So he had to leave and get a train, and that took him into Ukraine, where with a driver and just him, they drove a fairly large truck that was full of essential sort of food, food that's going to last, and medical supplies to a church. It was about 50 miles into Ukraine, and they had to go on their own. There was no security presence with them. If they— apparently, if they did take that, it would make them a bit more of a target rather than just looking like a humanitarian truck. And he, um, he got— they got there and, um, safely. And, um, it was all— everything was delivered to this church, and the people there were like absolutely like overjoyed just to receive some food parcels and, and some medicine, which would be given out appropriately to those who need it. And then Billy had to make the journey back. So, um, it took him— it's taken him longer than it— than he thought it would because, um, I don't know if you've been watching the news, there was a lot of coverage about Lviv with Angelina Jolie going there because she's a, you know, great humanitarian and somebody who I really, really respect because she She seems to be such a very caring person and goes and puts herself in situations that she really wants to, to do good. And the sirens started going off. Well, Billy was there as well on that day, and he told me, like, the sirens are going off and I'm gonna have to go and, and, you know, find somewhere safe. And that's what he did. So he's only just got back to Poland and in the last couple of days, so he, he now, um, we can't be in contact tonight for, for the time that we wanted to, and he needs to, to rest and get him to look after himself, and I know he's going to do that. But the thing that struck me today was there's a beautiful day here, and I decided I joined for a year that— in the UK we have something called the National Trust. So these are sort of places of like nature or beautiful country homes that have got grounds and walks or farms with them, and you know, you can go. So you can go without being a member, but I thought if we— if we joined for a year, like my husband and I, we might actually go, like, like, you know, go out, leave the house, because it's really important for me now that I have left the house that I keep going. And it's also really important, I think, now that all our kids are no longer here. I mean, two of my children I have to take a plane to go and see. It's only an hour, and they're not in the same place either, so that makes it a bit more complicated. And one of them, she works— she's a doctor, and she works— she stays away from home during the time of her work because the hospital is too far away. And she's on her sort of first year where she does 4 months in one bit and then moves and moves and moves. So that's it, that's how we live. So we went out and I was thinking about these like food parcels. I've been reading in the paper how money raised from the UK has got these food parcels out to Ukrainians that, you know, it's going to last them a whole week. I've got a box of somebody thought out some really good things to give them that's going to help them eat. And, and we went to this, uh, really nice place. Sun's out, families are there, dogs with us, she's loving it. Um, and we thought we'd stop and have a coffee and something to eat. And, you know, we're really lucky. There was a sign up saying that, that they were on a reduced menu. I think there are obviously food supply chain food chain supply issues going on at the moment with things that are happening in the world. And that's not a problem. I mean, we know we've got plenty of food, but what we've done now— and I'm someone who, um, with mental health issues, food has been a problem for me in the past, and I think it, it always will be a problem from time to time. I, um, am now probably slightly over what I should weigh, if I'm honest. But back in the day when I was, um, being abused, I was weighing as an adult— so I'm talking about sort of late teens and things— half of what I weigh now, which was just very, very, very low weight. Part of what happened to me was that my food was controlled. I— and this is quite difficult to say, but the person who— well, the people actually that did this to me, they, um, I don't know if this happens to other people actually, but I'll say it, and they used to maybe sit on my hands and they would feed me or not feed me, so, or sometimes they would feed me things that would make me violently sick, so I was an extremely, uh, underweight. So then I got help for eating, but it like wasn't really anything wrong with my eating. It was just that you can't feed yourself if you're made to sit on your hands and then be given food or not. So we go— I decided to go and get the drinks. You can't take your dog into a National Trust cafe You can take it into the outside bit, but they don't want it in. That's fine. So my husband just went, we were just going to have a coffee and a piece of cake or a biscuit. Well, we've got this new thing now where they had written, it's a new, a new thing. I don't know when it came or where, where it's come from, but you can't just have what it is telling you the name of it on the label, they have to put the number of calories on it. So I've not, I've not faced this problem before, it's a new thing. I don't know if it's worldwide or just the UK, but apparently now places or outlets of food have to have how many calories are on there. Now, for somebody, it was like an instant throwback as to, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to choose. Like, I've got to be quick, I'm in a queue, and I'm going to be asked soon what I want, and I can't make a decision because it's not about what I would like, because I've only just really got into being able to do that, and you've now put up like how many calories is in everything. So, um, yeah, it's, it's, it really threw me. And I guess it's maybe a good thing that it threw me because I need to sort this out. This, this can't be a problem for me because really I should know roughly the amount of calories that are in something, but I don't. I actually don't have a clue, and I don't usually look when I do my shopping at how many calories are in things, mostly because I can't actually read the font size, so it'll get me nowhere, but This really threw me. And so, um, I mean, it may— and then walked around afterwards. We went for a walk. We had a little map, so we followed a trail that would take us a certain route and a certain distance that we wanted to go for a walk with, and with our dog. And this number of calories that I've had in— well, I mean, I bought— we— I bought 2 pieces of flapjack the same, and then— but they're not the same size. So I mean, this is just pretty much taken up my afternoon. So you've got people in Ukraine who are absolutely like just so deserving and so grateful to be receiving food. And now I'm walking around thinking, but I had the smaller bit, so how many calories did that have? Or did mine have the right number of calories and my husband get more? So it's, it's really thrown me back into this eating issue. And, uh, dinner tonight was just like I didn't know whether, whether I should have it or not, and I wonder if this is going to become a bit of a problem for people, um, you know, calorie counting, because I can see how it is good in a way to do this, but if you're just going out for an afternoon, a nice walk in the countryside, and you're just going to stop off somewhere where they made some homemade flapjack, and then it was bigger than the word flapjack was the number of calories. I'm not going to tell you how many were in it because I don't think that's going to help anyone. But, um, so then I've come home and I've started reading my— I've got this book, it's really good. If anybody knows anyone who has a problem with food, uh, or, you know, has suffered trauma, then this Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation by Boone, Steele, and Vander Hart is really good. And it does have tips and things about resolving inner conflicts of eating. I thought I'd really sort of got over it, but this calorie counting thing I think it could mean that I actually won't eat things when I go out. That's the way I feel about it at the moment, probably because it's new. But, um, I do— I need to— I need to sit and think, why, why is this thrown up such a big problem? For me because, you know, I need to eat, um, I need to be a bit more active, and, and I'm going to work on that. That's a personal thing that I need to do. And I do not want to go back to this, this throwback, this sort of flashback to trauma of having my, my food restricted, and by having sort of the number of calories on there could actually make me going back— go back to restricting my food. I think it's only when you, when you go out for a meal now, even on a menu when you're having a meal, it's going to have the calories. So it might be for a lot of people that, you know, we've not had this Well, I've never seen this in restaurants or when I'm out before, so maybe it's just going to take a while for everyone just to think, right, okay, that's how many calories-ish are in biscuits and things. So I was, um, this is really hard now. Oh goodness. Wish I hadn't had it now. No, I do, I do. It was the right thing to do. So you see, it's in this book, so Developing Healthy Eating Habits. It doesn't say in there, look at the calories of everything that you eat when you go out. I really don't think that the people who wrote this book would suggest that. It's very, very helpful, But I find things, you know, I'm at home now in the day. I lost my job because I went through the police investigation, the thing, and had a breakdown. I'm trying to put my life back together. I'm trying to look after myself and keep well, get rest, do some exercise. And then I have to cook for my family, but mostly it's just two of us, and I don't— sometimes I just really, really just don't want to. I just don't want anything to do with food. I don't want to touch it. I don't want to go and shop for it. I don't want to do anything. But, you know, it is an opportunity and time when I should be able to sit down with my husband, and he's been out working all day he actually does need food to eat, and he is also really active too. He works out and plays sport quite a lot. So that is really where I've been this afternoon, um, worrying. I'm worrying about my friend. I'm worrying, um, like what's going to happen in— well, for these— for people who are displaced in such a terrible way. And I also want to try and sort out how I feel at the moment about my food, because fortunately it was sunny today, and we went for this walk, but I just started crying. It just brought so much back about food and how, how people had used it in really not very nice ways, in quite degrading ways. And cruel ways that has now been triggered by, um, I don't know, I don't know. It does feel like, is this ever, ever gonna really fully settle? And I have my sunglasses on, and then the next thing I've got like tears rolling down my face, and they kind of they went, they went below my glasses, and I didn't want people to see, so I had to lift them up and try and like wipe my tears away. And then that sparks a conversation with my husband, and he's like, you know, this is a Sunday afternoon and we're just trying to be normal like everybody else and go out. But it, for me, it's an everyday unseen, unspoken minefield of triggers. And it just put me into a really, really sad place that at 56 years old I was still affected by the things that happened to me when I was 6 years old. And last week. It affects other people, and I didn't know this. There's a ripple effect. I mean, there's a ripple effect from the good that Billy's doing in Poland. You know, the ripple effect is that I care about, um, you know, people that I've met, and so I worry That's, that's natural, that's normal, and that's okay. But I have a sibling and they weren't abused, but they were groomed. They had to go through the police thing as well, which was horrendous for me because I didn't want anyone to be involved. Oh no, I felt ashamed. I hated everything about it. Um, it was exhausting. It was just— it's something that you would not wish on anyone, let alone your friends and your family. And I had a phone call just over a week ago from my sibling and wanting— they sent a message wanting to talk. Um, it's like, yeah, of course, right, yeah, fine, now's good. Anyway, we had a chat and, um, they were, um, saying that they had some issues with what had happened to me. Now we're going back like 50 years. So, uh, it's not something that I talk about to my family or my friends. They don't ask and I don't mention it. The only time things really come up is when I'm upset, or if I dissociate, then obviously the people around me know. And, um, my sibling was really, really, really upset and had quite a lot to say. And I was quite shocked, not prepared for this at all. But there is a ripple effect, and I want to minimize this damage, and we needed to get some help really with this. And fortunately, I had a session with my, my therapist the next day, who very kindly agreed that, you know, I could bring my younger sibling. And it was very useful. I mean, we traveled there together. We didn't really talk about it on the way. We were on public transport, so we didn't actually want other people to know what we were talking about. And then we had, uh, you know, a 2-hour session where they were able to talk about what they remembered and what they pieced together and how it affected them now and how they felt that although they knew they couldn't have done anything to stop it that maybe, um, certainly, um, you know, like when I've been in rehab facilities and stuff like that, they felt they could have been there more for me. And also there were things that, um, they remembered that I didn't think they would for one minute even have any recollection of. And this has been going over and over and over in their mind. And I know what, I know what that's like, and I know what it's like not to have anywhere to go or to say it or to make sense. So it was really fortunate that we were able to go and talk to this. So I would really say to people that You know, if you're supporting somebody— because I always thought of my sibling as someone who supported me. I didn't realize that they were someone that needed support, and that's been a really big eye-opener for me. It, you know, today with this, this cake thing, it kind of ruined the afternoon a bit really, because I got upset. I felt very sad. And distant, and that sort of thousand-yard stare where you just are taken back into a place where you've just got no power and you're just looking out and you've taken yourself behind your eyes because something hurts so much or it feels so wrong. So I think this one today is about things not going to plan, um, ripple effect on others. Um, you know, me doing a website and having a photo shoot may make it look like everything's really fine, but it's not. It's— things are a struggle, and they're not just for me. I need to consider other people, and I don't think this will be the last time that I, I take my, uh, my younger sibling with me for a session. I think it's something that might become important as long as we get the balance right, because they are my sibling, they're not going to be my therapist. But with help of my therapist, then they can get some understanding and, and some sort of validation. Some of it shocked me a bit because it is— there were things that were said that I have told my therapist about that, um, you know, happened, um, and that drew my sibling into this sort of seemingly normal but it was anything but normal. And I didn't realize they recollected it, or, um, you know, it was still a problem. So, you know, we are talking— this is, this is 50 years on, and we're close. We've always been close, but it is the unspeakable, and It really, it really is. I don't have many friends that I ever talk about this to anymore. I think they think that it's all gone and got— and it's a difficult subject to broach, but I need to take responsibility about how I manage this new food sort of thing. I think it'll be all right. Um, there's a whole chapter and some exercises that I'm now going to do from this book, The Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: The Skills Training for Patients and Therapists by Boone, Steele, and van der Hart. What is good about this is really thick It's a thick book, paperback, um, and I use it a lot. I dip in and out of it, but it is for patients and therapists, so I only read the bit for patients. It's not like they've combined it, it's actually separate, so I'm not doing that bit because the way they've set it out for me is actually really good. This book is very, very good, and I don't know of many others that are this good. And there's pretty much every single thing that comes up with me or with people I know, then, you know, it's in here. It's like they know. It's like, you know, it's written, it's in black and white. Someone's actually bothered to get together these 3 authors with all their skills and expertise, and they've written out all these things that have affected me. So, um, and, and then they give you some little exercises that you can choose or maybe not choose to do. So I hope— we're sort of running out of time now. I'm really sorry that this one couldn't have been Billy, or it couldn't have been the, um, the other group of people that I, I was speaking with. And, you know, technology is great. I'm able to do this from home, but sometimes technology doesn't work, and it hasn't worked for, for various reasons this week because you should have had, um, a choice of broadcasts, and I should have been 2 weeks ahead of myself. But anyway, I don't know how you guys all feel about this. Whenever you go out now, your calories are going to be displayed in front of you, and maybe it's the joke that we do need to, to try and manage obesity in this country. I know, um, there were— I've read an article where people during lockdown have had like 85 takeaways from the same place in a year. Well, you know, by a delivery company to their door. So maybe it is the jolt that we need to, to think, right, you know, yep, I can have that, but that has got so many whatever calories in. So, you know, you can't eat those all day. Um, but I hope that it doesn't put people who— because there are a lot of people who have, um, you know, image issues, um, you know, diet issues, um, who, who maybe, you know, this might stir up some things. I, I didn't think that I was fixated on calories or thought about my food issues, which happened during my trauma when I was being controlled in pretty much every area of my life that today would flag that up, but it's going to, and it's not— today is not going to be the first and last day. I think it's going to happen, um, a little bit more. Um, So anyway, I hope everyone's all right, and, uh, well, actually saying that, won't be long till we— there's going to be a Jubilee pudding. I think, um, somebody has been in competition, so for our Queen's Platinum Jubilee, which is coming up in, um, it's not too long now, um, there's going to be a special sort of dessert. So let's hope that we can all enjoy that if we choose to make it. I think the recipe is going to be made available, and the hope is that it's something that's going to be served at lots of events and sort of local and private parties, that we don't all like just sit there and think about how many calories it's got in it, that we can actually enjoy it and, um, you know, may have some sort of celebration, however we choose to do that. So anyway, next week I am hoping that I will either have an update, some updates on Billy, or maybe we might have Billy, uh, if we can get the time to work for him, or else I have a really good conversation with, um, two very key members of The Truth Project UK, which is part of the government's independent inquiry into child sexual abuse. Now, until— well, we tried to record, but that went wrong. But I actually thought The Truth Project UK had another name. It, you know, the Truth Project UK and the IICAS was the same thing. Well, it's not. I didn't— and so that was quite useful for me to actually get that straight in my head. The Truth Project UK is a bit that I took part in along with over 6,000 other Survivors of Abuse in the UK. Now, that's only— it comes under the umbrella of the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse. So I'm going to let the speakers from there really have the airtime because there's a lot that I would like to learn and sit and listen to. So that's like an umbrella, and the Truth Project UK is just a part of it, but they have released a lot of findings, they have released a lot of recommendations, and the full report will be out fairly soon, sort of summer 2022, and it's something that I'm proud that I took part in. I didn't meet anybody else. It was all done very well and managed so that you didn't cross over or see anyone. Your confidentiality was, you know, guaranteed. They did organize it very, very well. So I hope that you'll listen to, to those and I hope this one was sort of helpful as well, but I almost wasn't going to do anything and like maybe just say I'm sorry I've had to have a week off, but I've tried my best and been honest about what's going on and what still affects me and also about, you know, my family members And yeah, so anyway, tomorrow I'm, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna go for a walk with my dog and I'm gonna meet a friend for coffee. And if there's calories on the menu, then I'm just gonna have to, to deal with it because that's how I think it's going to be. And I'm going to try and look at it as a positive— an healthy educational thing and not something to be obsessed about.