Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you all this week from the women's radio stations from 7 o'clock every morning and 7 PM every evening for another of my series called Healing Image High. I have a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder and complex PTSD, so post-traumatic stress disorder. And these are conditions that— I live in the UK— they are not easy to get diagnosed, particularly within the UK, because DID is not recognized and specialist treatment is extremely hard to get. But it's taken me 33 years to now finally be at a specialist clinic for dissociative studies, and my treatment is predicted to last for 5 or 6 years, and I get quite a lot of hourly input each week. So it is something that is serious, is difficult to treat, but the thing that does really concern me and I hope to raise awareness of is that it's just difficult to get that specialist help, which I think, you know, people would just definitely deserve. It certainly changed my life, feeling safer, more able, more Knowing that I can speak about how things really are and how things affect my day-to-day life and about what happens to me and actually feel that the person I'm talking to is understanding, and not only understanding, but that they can offer me some, some help, some some absolute honesty, suggestions, some exercises, so things to do. And I would say, you know, I am a receptive person, and I certainly— I don't ever go to a session and sit there in silence. I use that session. I want to use that session. I want to learn, and I want to use the knowledge and practice the skills and put them in my toolkit and be able to get on and have a better life. Because what happened to me, the traumatic events, were, you know, decades ago, and they still impact on me every single day. So Healing Image Hai, I started that as a project. It was for myself, and it was a name that sort of evolved when I was working with some amazing image professionals, um, beauty professionals as well, because I just wanted some help with how I could look a bit better, how I could look after my skin, um, things to do with hair and clothes. I'd had a breakdown. I went through the police investigation process into my abuse, and it was for me incredibly overwhelming and probably the most difficult few months I've ever had in my life, having to speak about things that you you've never spoken about to anyone, and it's all under oath. And seeing your family and your friends having to, to deal with it too, so much to take in, probably more for them to take in than it was for me. And I wasn't able to really leave my house for about 4 years. I also I had to stop work. There are various reasons for that, but one being mainly that work were informed about what was going on, and they didn't know what to do. They didn't support me at all. Well, I sincerely hope that now, and certainly from friends that I know, who work with companies, that there is actually support put in place for people who are going through mental health issues. And, well, I'm presuming that they'd have support if they were going through a police investigation, but I'm talking now a few— quite a few years ago, and that was not in place for me. So Healing Image was— Hi is about me trying to go out, look a bit better, feel a bit better. You know, I've got some photographs on my website where I had the most amazing day working with a photographer and the team who had helped me with, with my image, and it was a really, really good fun day. But you You can't have days like that every single day. That is a one-off. And I wanted today to talk about sort of being honest about how it's really not like that, particularly at the moment. I think It's probably going to be a little bit like this for a while. I only started my new treatment in October, and, you know, there's an awful lot of stuff that I've not ever dealt with. I've got all this unhealed trauma that I need to work on, and it's going to take a lot of time. It's not a quick fix. So I have a book that I got in America. The Americans do, do quite a lot to support people with Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's recognized there. There are facilities that you can go as Well, I went as a resident to a facility in America, and I did an awful lot of learning about DID. And the book that I have at home, I got when I was in the States. It's called Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists. And it's got 3 authors. There's Suzette Boone, Kathy Steele and Onno van der Hart. So you can get it in this country, but I got mine in the States, as I said. And having DID means that I have different parts of myself, and they don't actually all get along very well, and they're— sometimes they can take over, or a part might take over that's not very safe and can do things that are destructive to myself, quite severe harm, that me in the present has no idea about what is happening, what's going on. So I thought it was quite interesting that this book is written rather than in chapters, they've written it in parts. And today I'm going to be— I've been looking at Part 4, which is coping with trauma-related triggers and memories, because I face those every day, and I can plan for some of the triggers to avoid them, to minimize them, to voice them, and But to be quite honest, since lockdown, I've restricted the number of places that I go to hugely, really, really hugely. I've, I've limited myself to places to go where I feel relatively safe, and I've got quite comfortable with that, and I don't think it's a very good thing I'm not that bothered about what I look like or my appearance. My general self-care has definitely taken quite a dive, and I need to be honest about this because there are other people who will— they don't want to hear me talk every week about the things that are really good and all the amazing people that I've met and, you know, some lovely conversations that I've had with them. But the real deal is it's not really like that every single day. I get up, I do— the good thing about the start of each day I have now is the same. I used to wake up and wonder like barely wanting to know if it was going to be a good day or a bad day. If I could get out of bed or not were usually sort of problems that I faced. Well, since I met a lovely hairdresser called Denise McAdam, she taught me that in the morning when you wake up to put your fingers in your scalp and then just rub them all over your head for about 10 to 20 seconds and to wake your hair up. So I do that now. So it's better than thinking, is it worth getting up today? I'll wake my hair up and then I have to get out of bed because my hair looks a complete mess and I need to go and sort it out and try and look a little better. Then I go out. I go out early with my dog because I feel safer when I go out with her. She is definitely an emotional support to me. In the UK, again, we don't have recognized that animals are emotional support animals, which again I think is a great shame because they are. And if they are in other countries, then why are they not in the UK? And I really hope that things are going to change and there's going to be more help for people. And the more we talk about it and what is helpful and what is not helpful, then hopefully we can help other people. So I get up and I go out with my dog and I meet my friends who I've met through my dog for a morning coffee. So we all walk independently and meet there with our dog. Well, these past few weeks has not been that good for me. I've had a fall, quite a bad fall, and I've broken my shoulder in— I've chipped a bit, and then I've managed to cut a bit of— few fragments of bone are sort of swimming about, but they'll be okay. But I also— I dislocated it, which is something— I've never dislocated anything before. It was extremely painful. Just, I thought I couldn't believe, you know, that I'd fallen, and I actually was unconscious for about 20 minutes. Now, I think that some of that is due to concussion, but also some of that is due to the fact that my shoulder had dislocated and it was so painful that my body just blacked out to get away from the pain. So in a way, it dissociated. But in a good way. So I've now had a scan and I've got to just rest it, just rest my arm for about 6 weeks, which is— when I was told, I actually cried because apart from going out and meeting my friends for coffee, the only other thing that I'd started to to reintroduce into my life after lockdown and was the only thing that really I had written in the diary was to go to the gym. And, um, I'm really quite upset that I'm not going to be able to do that for quite a while. I'm also not going to be able to go to the residential boot camp GI Jane, which I absolutely love. That's— it's coming up in a couple of weeks, so I'm not going to be anywhere near ready to attempt what goes on there because it's extremely hard, but it's really, really satisfying, and I do have an awful lot of fun. So my morning, I get up, wake my hair up, and then I'm going out Well, I used to sort of go out with some jeans and a t-shirt or sweatshirt and set off like that, but recently I've not felt very good at all. I feel quite sad. My children no longer live at home because they are adults, so I often, you know, I miss that. I miss having them around a lot, and where they live, it's not easy for me to go and see them. And I've tended to isolate myself a bit because I can, and I shouldn't be doing this. So the morning walk and the coffee is still a definite, but what I do is pull on some tracksuit bottoms, some joggers, and a sweatshirt and a jacket. But underneath, I'm actually still wearing my pajamas. I don't want to take them off. I did a broadcast last week about sleep, and the podcast that I based that on was one of the things that they said that people who suffer from trauma or sleep-related issues, that it can be quite important to them to actually wear pajamas, that it gives them a bit more of a feeling of security. And I'm a pretty big pajama fan. I make sure that I buy like nice ones that are going to feel, feel nice. So I I do take care of myself in that respect, but I'm actually basically going out in my pajamas every day, which is not good, and my family don't even know this. And then I get home, and when I get home, I do nothing, really, absolutely nothing. I try to sleep during the day to get away from thoughts and feelings and just not wanting to think about the past and not wanting to think about the present. And really my aim, or maybe it's a part of me, is aim is to try and have as few waking hours as possible. I, I do have medication to help me sleep, so that's the night sorted, but if I can try and get some sleep in the day as well, just because I want a break from, from myself, from what happened, from having to manage things, having to see people, having to talk to people. So I'm, I'm pretty isolated really, and that needs to change. So this week I got invited out with a friend of mine who has an 8-year-old And it's the school holidays for Easter break, and they knew I was going to be on my own because my husband was going away, and they invited me out to go and visit a National Trust sort of property with an estate, and it also had a farm. Well, with a broken shoulder and dislocated shoulder and being in a sling, life's felt a bit harder anyway, and it is quite painful, and I do need to rest it and sleep. And I had an absolutely, you know, good excuse as to why I couldn't go on this trip, which was— it was going to take us a good half an hour to get there, and then probably pretty much most of the day, guess, being there. But no, I'm, I'm gonna go. And, um, you know, the, the 8-year-old is an absolute delight to be with, seeing things through the eyes of a of a child and just the whole way that they are, you know, skipping about, asking questions, interested in everything. So yeah, so I went out for this day, and going out means that, especially to somewhere that I hadn't been for about 20 years, It actually puts me in more risk of triggers, situations that, you know, could trigger something, because I do— by staying in, I've completely cut most of the triggers off. There are some at home, they're man-made mostly. So if I'm in a room and somebody switches the the light off and I'm suddenly in the dark, that's not good. I'm also not good— one of my major triggers is the sound of a Hoover, you know, someone with a Dyson or whatever hoovering floors. So my family know that if they're going to be doing that, they have to tell me and ask if it's okay, and then I can decide whether I go out or whether it is okay and I stay away in another room. But while I was being abused, someone who was in the same house at the time that this was happening would use a Hoover. So I have this— it's a trigger. It's a terrible trigger. That I can't— that, you know, my family know it's a trigger, but I don't think they realize quite how bad a trigger is. Because if I wasn't in my situation, I would not understand what this— what this can do. It doesn't really make sense to people that things are fine now, I'm not being abused, I'm not being harmed, I'm not being drugged. And the hoover is like in our home now, but it still can trigger a flashback. And they are terrifying. They can last a long time, longer than the original event. Extremely intense feelings and very, very overwhelming. And the other thing that I have to try and manage at home is when someone's cutting the grass, and my husband's very keen on his lawn, so we do have quite a lot of grass cutting going on, but it still has an impact on me. So I went out for the day and with my friend and their child, their 8-year-old, and I took my dog because she loves a day out. And we arrived, and they have an electric car, which is, is kind of really fun, and they were keen to, to get it to one of the charging points and show me how it all worked. And, you know, the 8-year-old was absolutely full of it about what, what you do and how it's and it's all locked in so nobody can take it out and run off with your cable, things like that. Well, the 2 available spots both had charging points that weren't working, and there was another spot where there was one that was working, but somebody with a petrol car had actually parked in this space that clearly said it was for electrical charging. So we were a bit limited then with how much range we had to get home and what we were going to do next. So we go into this estate, the grounds, and it's a National Trust property, and it was absolutely beautiful. It was just— maybe I've not been out to places like this for so long, that I've almost forgotten how nice it is to be outside in the countryside. You know, there were a lot of children and young families around because it was the holidays, and it was— the grounds were kept beautifully, and I felt really, really happy there and very, very calm. So there's parts of this estate where you're not allowed to take dogs, and the main place was the farm that they have there. So my friend took my dog for a walk, and then I went with their child to the farm, and they were so, so keen to show me because they've been going there for many, many years, and there's a favourite horse there that, um, he got something wrong with his hoof and wasn't out or seen very much for quite a while. And, uh, my friend's 8-year-old had sent letters and cards wishing this horse sort of to feel better. And we were talking to the staff, they've actually— they did remember these things and they've kept them because other children wrote in as well. And I just thought that was a really nice thing that they understood how something like that really, really mattered, and it was a really, you know, a genuine thing. I mean, my friend's 8-year-old wasn't told to write a card. It was something that they themselves have chosen to do, and I think that's a lovely idea. And I absolutely— I love horses. I really do. There's something about them that I find strength in, and just seeing them and being so close to them where they were, um, yeah, I felt pretty good. I have done, and I am a great believer in equine therapy for trauma. I did a lot of it in the United States. It's just not done in the UK because equine-assisted therapy isn't really recognized in quite the same way as it is in other countries, which I think is a really great shame because you're— when you interact with a horse for therapy, they know nothing about you. They don't know your name, your age, what happened. And you don't know anything about them. The last horses that I worked with, a herd near Frome in the UK, called the Track Clinic, I still don't know the age and the names of those horses. It's like, that doesn't matter, and they don't know what's wrong with me. I don't have to tell them. But the way that we interacted and the physical holding that I got from there. And, you know, I had a miniature pony with its head lying on the ground, with its head in my lap, and just being able to sit there and feel the weight of this little miniature horse and to be able to put my arms around his neck was just incredible. I also, on my second visit, got this rather nice experience with the one alpaca that they have. Well, the first time, Mr. Alpaca, he was just like, you can pack your bags and go off. He was not interested in me whatsoever. But the second time I went, he came a bit closer, and I wasn't sure because it's quite difficult. You've got to work out how you're going to approach these things and let them know that you're there. And they do have a blind spot at the back. And do they want to be touched on their side, or approached from looking at you, so to the head or to the side of her head, it's actually, it's quite difficult entering something's space like that. But Mr. Alpaca, on the second visit, he, um, he let me stroke his fur and on his body. I've never felt anything like it. It was just incredible. It felt amazing, the softness. It was absolutely beautiful. And then he followed me, and bless him, he went and sat down by the edge of the field, away from the rest of the herd, and allowed me to walk over to him to kneel down. We were there for probably about, I think it was a good 20 minutes. And I had my head on the top of his head and hanging onto his neck, and he leaned into me, and it really shifted something for me in quite a big way, and in an extremely positive way, because I— my ideas on it— I don't know if it's right, are that when I was being abused, nobody knew apart from the adults that were involved in the actual abuse. Now, when I was that age and being abused, if something hurt me or frightened me, I would get some comfort from from my parents, usually my parents. Like once I had a swing in the garden and I sat on it and I managed to sit on a bee. Now that hurt and I can remember that, but all I got was sort of scooped up and taken care of and His sting went away, but I got a natural response that a human needs when they're in pain or when they're in stress. But when you're being abused and nobody knows and nobody can see, and you don't understand why they can't see because you feel like it's written all over you about what's going on, you don't get that holding, that containment feeling. So that's why I would absolutely recommend equine therapy. So we were at this farm on our day out, and they started to put some tack on one of the horses because they're trying to get them ready to start to pull, I think, like a carriage. And the lady was absolutely lovely explaining to us about each piece that she put on and why and how she was going to try and get this horse to be used to pulling things. Because if they're pulling something, they'll feel it moving, but they can't see it. So for them, it's quite a weird sensation and something that needs to be done in a very sensitive way. And then I got talking to, to one of the people who worked there about her work with horses, and she was saying that she wanted to do work with horses helping people. So we had a really nice chat about equine therapy and my experience I do feel that I am 56 now, so I've been in the system and mostly experienced pretty poor service from mental health provision. The best I ever got was in the United States. But it's really— it's not always ideal because your family have absolutely no idea where you are. They've never seen it. They don't understand the setup. And when you— you know, I was there for 70 days and people don't have any idea of what living and being there and being treated and living in a small community— there were only like 23 of us. Is like. So the, the equine therapy is something that I really, really think it needs to be more readily available. So the person that I spoke to on our day out on Friday is actually going to, to look in to see about training to do equine therapy, and I really hope she does. So we'd had a, a really nice time looking around this farm. It's a working farm, which is always nice to see because there's some activity, and then it means that the people who work there, they're very keen to talk about the animals that are in their care. And it just was really nice. I saw this, um, this lady with a pram, and I could just see into the pram, and this baby was really, really tiny. So I asked if I could have a look, and she was like, yes, of course. And the baby was 5 weeks old, and They had another child who was 2, and it was their first day out really as a family since they got this new baby. I think it's the first good day actually of fairly warm weather, and she was just so nice to talk to, and she was— kept thanking me for stopping and, you know, saying things about her children. To all two. And also I looked at her and I said, but you look absolutely amazing. You've 5 weeks and you've had a baby and you look absolutely great. And she had makeup, was all done really nicely. So, uh, yeah, that, that was really nice too because I, I just haven't seen people. I've just stayed in the house. Which is not a healthy thing for me to do. After this, we went to— after the farm, and we did spend quite a lot of time there because there were an awful lot of animals and lots of really nice things for kids and families to read about these animals. And we were up really close. So it was great, I loved it, but after that I really wanted a coffee and a little person, my friend's 8-year-old, was very keen to go to the shop. Well, I quite like going to shops, so we went off in there together and yeah, they had some really nice gifts to have a look at. It was very pleasant. And then they also had a coffee shop, so we got a drink and sat down there. I just needed to have a bit of a break. My arm was a bit sore, uh, you know, still in the sling. It does affect my movement, and it's also quite painful. So we had a coffee, and then I was looking across and I could see there were plants. They had plants for sale. Well, I hate gardening. I absolutely cannot, I cannot get into it. I don't like it. I don't think I ever will like it. My family say to me, you know, "Mum, you should go in the garden. It's really therapeutic." but it's not for me. It just is not. I don't know what I'm doing. I could easily, like, pull a plant or cut it back when it doesn't need it, and I, I don't want to do that. I don't want that responsibility. So, uh, yeah, buying plants is not something that I usually do. But what caught my eye were these two really lovely yellow plants, and it's like I got this amazing memory of happy times, um, because I've had loads of happy times, and I mustn't ever forget that. So if I can do something that's going to cement that memory, then I will try and do it if I can. So my, my relatives were all farmers, and there was a lovely big old farmhouse that we would go and stay there because it's far too far from where we live. And we'd spend, you know, Christmas there, Easter there, we'd go there for part of the summer holidays, we would be, you know, in the farm, on the yard, or around the house gardens. They had back stairs and little twisty bits where, you know, a staircase went off to another direction. It was absolutely great, and I had all my cousins with me. And what we used to do, I don't think we'd be allowed to do it anymore because I am talking about Oh my goodness, about 35 or 40 years ago, that my aunt's cousin would get a tractor, put a trailer on the back of it, and then all of my cousins, we'd all be in there. If it was Easter, we'd take chocolate with us, which wasn't usually a good idea because it melted. But we would go down on their farming land and go for the ride on the tractor, which we all absolutely loved. Just a really simple thing, but we've got such a lot out of it. But in the, the, the dikes that had been built, because this was reclaimed, like, fed land there were these beautiful yellow flowers growing which were called cowslips. And I remember those from all these times, all these years, and seeing these plants, it's like, I've got to buy some cowslips. I, I, I— that's all I want. I want to buy 2 small cowslip plants. And I haven't put them in the garden yet, but then I'm not actually able to dig at the moment, so I'm sure they'll be fine. But, and then I was explaining to my friend and their 8-year-old, like, why I could manage to buy myself 2 cowslip plants. And from then I've had some really nice memories of being a child and doing things like that. So that was really, really good. We then went out for lunch. We found somewhere to get something to eat that took dogs, and then we needed to get back home. Well, we thought we had enough range with the electric car, but we had to go a certain route so that we were going to get there, because from what I can tell, the charging points are usually occupied or they're not in use. So we've not quite got— I don't feel we've quite got the infrastructure yet to have this as a wider thing, because I definitely want to do the right thing for the environment, but I can't even drive at the moment, so no point thinking about it right now. So we were driving home and, you know, we'd had a lot of fun, we'd done some quizzes, we'd You know, just, just really, really nice. But the, um, just before we finished our lunch, then we decided that we would get an ice cream and then go for a walk in the sun around the area that we were in. So I pushed open the top of the ice cream freezer with my left hand, and it was on wheels and they weren't in the brake position, so it moved forward and I'm still holding on to the lid and my body's moving and I actually ended up face down in an ice cream freezer, which my friend and his 8-year-old thought it was the funniest thing ever. I mean, it was really funny, and I laughed too, but oh my goodness, I've given my arm quite a whack. So yeah, that, that wasn't really meant to happen, but never mind. So we get home, we come off the motorway and we're on a dual carriageway to where we live, and they're going to drop me at home. Well, we got stopped at some lights, and in front of us was a white car, um, the white car I've spoken about before on previous broadcasts, because It was a white car that I went in a lot when I was being abused because that was the car he had. And also, it was the right colour, it was the right make, and it had a personalised number plate. Where the first 3 letters were his name. Not the name I was allowed to call him, because I had to call him by a more formal name, but the name that his friends and even my parents would call him. So it was just a bit of a jolt, it was like what are the chances of being behind this car? You know, if they'd done something a split second later or earlier and we'd done something similar, we would— I would never have seen this car. And what it made me remember was, I have spoken about it before, was a time when my friend, she lived in the next sort of property, but there's quite a few fields in between each one. And she, you know, I'd go there with her after school and see her horses, and I really loved it. And then when I was in a situation near her home but in danger from what was going on, I don't know what made me do it, but I ran and I quickly learnt that you can't run from this. And in fact, because I was trying to run my friend's house and then go down the track that would lead to her house, which was a bit further. I got caught up by two of my abusers. They got the car out and, yeah, I was only like 14 at the time, and I'd run so fast that I can at times even now bolt and do this. So I was running, running so fast, I got caught, and I got put into the boot of a car. This, a white car very similar to the one in front of us on Friday, our day out, with, um, a personalized number plate that had the shortened version of his name on. And when I got home, I was not in a good way at all. I was absolutely shaking. I— there were things that I planned to do in the afternoon, I just couldn't, I was just straight into this flashback. So what I think is really important is that yes, it's right to try and go out,— and for me, taking my dog with me is perfect because I've got a companion, and she and I, we have this understanding that we're looking after each other. But to have a flashback, and all I could think of was I could feel this enclosed space and the darkness. And the other thing that is probably a kind of a funny thing to say, but because I'd run all the way down to try and get to my friend's house, I, um, my socks had fallen down. And you know, in Sometimes you have a pair of socks that you've run in and they do slip down into your shoe. So, well, maybe that doesn't happen to everybody, but it happens to me. And I was lying in this boot and all I could think about was I want to pull my socks up and I couldn't, I couldn't move and my my wrists were tied. But it is, it is horrific. It is, even this weekend, it's really, really knocked me very hard. And when I got home, so we said our goodbyes, they didn't know anything about what, you know, a potential trigger or anything like that. But when I got home, we've got— my husband's away, so his car is on the driveway and so is mine. And I went and got my keys and opened the boot of my car, and I could see, I could visualize myself lying in it and just wondering how on earth you would get out. I don't know if there's anything— I'm going to look into it because I think it might be really useful. But yeah, and then my husband's car is slightly different. His boot is covered by, like, the parcel shelf, so I was thinking maybe I should try his car and see if I can find a way of escaping. And— but I don't need to do this. I don't need to think about putting myself in the boot of a car, any car, for any reason whatsoever at the moment. It is not happening to me. So it's just extremely conflicting and very, very confusing. So in the book that I was referring to, the Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation, then they're saying that, you know, for people with Dissociative Identity Disorders and Complex PTSD, that they are, you know, they have these times or episodes, periods, whatever, of instability where, you know, they're often, they're after a flashback. That has sort of reignited past traumatic memories. The triggers can be something in the present, so, you know, as easy as this white car that we were behind. Now, I've never been in the boot of that white car, I was in the boot of another white car that looked very similar, so my brain is not really working it out properly that it's not happening anymore, that I don't need to get myself in a boot of a car and try and work out how to get out of it. But that's what is happening. It's very, very, very confusing. So I'm just trying to read some notes. So I'm probably conditioned to react the way that I do. And sometimes, you know, I need to try and accept that there are triggers that I can't avoid and that I do need to try and make these triggers turn into something more positive, to have a more healthy outcome, because then I'll be able to of revisits and other types of abuse that occurs and be able to move on a bit better with that. So we've got these external triggers like the white car, also, you know, the cow slips are external triggers I'm going to plant them in my garden and I'm going to enjoy them and I hope that they do well here. I'm not sure how to look after them but I'm going to Google that one and become a cowslip expert. So the other triggers you can have are internal ones. So if Like, pain can be a trigger. Pain is a trigger for me. Having a dislocated shoulder with a couple of little breaks in it, that has caused me a lot of pain. It is difficult to sleep. But, um, so I'm going to be a little bit more vulnerable at the moment. And I do understand that, so that's how we're going to have to go with— so the people who wrote this book, they've done this quite a nice exercise that I don't know, it might be helpful for some of you if you are experiencing complex trauma. And if it doesn't work, or maybe the concept works but the actual way they've done it doesn't, then you can change it and do it your way. But they suggest that you visualize a shop, a shop that only stocks things that you like. It's the most comfortable, calm, serene place that you've ever been, and they sell— everything in there is to help you, to help you feel protected, and it's to help you feel strong. So you might want to buy a cape or some sort of gown that means that you're completely covered. It's invisible. You put it on and it covers all your parts and it actually stops anything. Coming into you, and you can spend as long as you like in this shop. You can take things home, you can return them, you can add things that, that you want. There's absolutely no limit, but the only thing is it's not really a real shop, but if you imagine that it is, and it's all there for you, everything nice and comfortable, nice furniture, then I think that's quite helpful. I don't— I do a similar thing, which for me I find works a little bit better, and those are my— I have these memory shelves at home and they have things on there that I've kept, or my family have kept in the old family home for, oh my goodness, like, I don't know, like, oh, about 50 years. There's like 50 years of stuff in there, and Yeah, some of it I'm afraid we can't restore, but so things that I can keep and will go on my memory shelf, then I have all my things like my protective armour on these shelves, and these are the things that actually help me more and more to get through the day. I've got— there's presents on there, little gifts that people who have given me when I've left the residential care for trauma in America, and I've also got on there my a little square of my curtain fabric that I chose myself. I was definite that we were having that one, no other, wouldn't look at anything else. So little pieces of that are on there. My Queen's Guide Award, because I worked really, really hard for that, and And, you know, that is something that I achieved and no one can take that away from me. So I hope this makes sense. I'm sorry I'm rather doped up a little bit with pain meds, but I'm going to get this arm better and do what the doctor said.