Health Hacktivators With Dr Alka Patel – Johnny Seifert On Love And Love Languages

You're listening to Health Hacktivators with me, Dr. Alka Patel, on the Woman's Radio Station. Before we get into today's conversation, please do support today's show sponsor, Youth and Earth. Youth and Earth have a range of products that I love to use myself to supercharge my metabolism, to support my health, and to slow down cellular aging. So just be sure you click the link in the show notes for exclusive offers which Youth and Earth are so generously giving only for for listeners of this show. Welcome to Health Hacktivators with lifestyle medicine doctor, GP, and longevity expert Dr. Alok Patel. This show will help you to discover a hidden health hacking code that unlocks your phenomenal potential for an outstanding healthspan, lifespan, and wealthspan. The show features candid conversations with celebrities, influencers, and industry icons real-life stories, and cutting-edge health activating advice that other doctors might not tell you. Discover why now is the time to join the strategic self-care revolution and experience the profound effect this will have on your personal and professional success. Now, here is your host, Dr. Alka Patel. Hi, hey, and hello, health activators. On today's show, it is Johnny Seifert. Entertainment journalist and head of showbiz at a national radio station and TV channel. Johnny's also the host of the very successful podcast Secure the Insecure, where his conversations with celebrities are regularly featured in the tabloid press. Now, in his show, Johnny gives his guests space to share their vulnerabilities. The question is, will he share his own vulnerabilities with me today? We're talking about purpose and priority. We're talking about validation, boundaries and expectations, love and self-love. But just one thing, you might just want to listen to the rest of this episode in half speed. Oh boy, can Jonny talk fast. Welcome, Jonny. Fabulous to see you. Hello, Dr. Patel. Thank you so much for having me. I really, really appreciate this. Oh, you are so, so welcome because I really was looking forward and am looking forward to speaking one podcast to another because I want to talk about your podcast actually. Let's just kick off there. So it's Secure the Insecure, isn't it? And it's you talking to celebrities about their vulnerabilities. So I just want to start by asking you, you, why, why did you decide to make this the focal point of your show? So I want to take you back to March 2019, and this is actually pre-COVID, you know, a year before COVID happened. A lot of people started podcasts as COVID projects. I went a year before. I lost my purpose. I lost my sense of identity. I lost who I was in society. I didn't know where I belonged and I couldn't get a mortgage. And as a freelancer, that's really hard because you're watching all your friends in the business corporate world going and buying their flat, first flats, then going to buy their houses and they've got kids and they're getting married and I'm single and I'm freelance and I'm like, well, what have I got to lose? For me. At the same time, I work in showbiz and I was an entertainment journalist and I wasn't getting the interviews anymore because they're being given to better-known, more household-name interviewers. So I thought, okay, I've lost doing the interviews and I've lost my purpose of who I am as a person. So I've got no career, no life. What the hell's going on? And I spoke to a psychologist, the amazing Emma Kenny, and she said, well, why don't you start a podcast? You know, all these celebrities Why don't you do it? You know, you've got access to a studio. And I thought, you're right. And so I can't do chats which are very on the basis, on the line of, oh, how are you? What you up to? Let's gossip. I love a good gossip, but I have to have a deep conversation. I have to talk insecurities and vulnerabilities because then I can understand why the person is the way they are. Similar to me, why am I unique? What's my journey been? You need to understand that, understand who you're talking to.. And I thought, this is the podcast. This is what I want to listen to. This is what I love about celebrities. And so I started it. And at the beginning, I got a couple of people I knew from home who had had mental health problems. And it was very much like, this is the episode about anxiety. Now we're going to do eating disorders. Now we're going to do this, this, and this. And then over time, over the past 3 years, it's just grown and grown and grown. I'm coming up to the 200th episode in a couple of weeks' time. And it's just gone massive. And so I'm getting all the Love Island stars, all the Made in Chelsea, the TOWIEs, the Married at First Sight, all wanting to be on. I'm getting messages saying, can I come on? Because I just want to have that conversation that I'm not getting anywhere else. And this is the problem. You go on reality TV, you come off, you start doing interviews, you talk to the press. All they want to know is the gossip. All they want to know is the clickbait. Whereas I go, look, stop. Let's go back to your school days. I always start with school. What were you like in school? And then you can judge a celebrity about what they talk about. For example, they might say school is really good. And they're like, okay, they're probably not on that level to have a mental health talk. We'll talk just about their career. Others will say, I've been bullied, or I've gone through this experience. Then you can start delving deeper. And then you have the most magical conversation that you've not heard anywhere else. And it's that one-on-one conversation that you can go walking, listening to this podcast, and just be— forget about the world, just be in the zone. And that's what I really want from the podcast is that someone who's in the zone, who can listen to the story, learn from the story, and go, I now know why they are the way they are. And that's what my goal is for Sikilian Secure. And I think that's such a great mission and purpose. And you sort of started off saying that I didn't have a purpose. Do you feel that now, now you have? Is there— you got any more concrete sense about that? Because there's so many questions I want to ask you about from what you've just said. But let's just start with that on purpose. How have you defined that for yourself through your podcasting, through your connections with celebrities, through having very open conversations, giving people space, because that is the one thing that's missing, isn't it? I think if people had more space to share, then I think that would make such a huge difference to what we define as vulnerabilities and what we define as strengths and what we define as weaknesses. So let me go full circle back to that question and back to purpose. I think it's really hard, and especially since COVID because suddenly all these celebrities have now got podcasts and we all know that they're all getting 25,000 to 100,000 downloads a week. And therefore you're comparing yourself to those. Then you've got them all filming it. They've got a proper film setup of 8 cameras in a studio with managers and videographers who are making these amazing clips for TikTok. You know, you think about Nearlyweds podcast, GK Barry's podcast, great podcast. They sit perfectly on TikTok as much as they do as a podcast. Then you've got Stephen Bartlett giving us 2-hour podcasts where that really is in-depth. You get 100 different clips coming out of that. You're getting incredible press for it and you're like, I want that. You know, Steven gives them a whole experience. He's got 8 people working with him. You know, he picks the celebrities up by car. I know a lot of podcasts, I don't know which ones in particular, pay for guests. And so you're like, okay, this is how they get the amazing guests. This is how they get the amazing conversations. What do I get? And so you look at your purpose and you go, what is my purpose? My podcast isn't like theirs. You know, it's amazing the stars I get. I'm so humbled that they trust me to tell me their stories. That's one of my purposes, the trust, that they trust me and they go, "I'm going to give up my Saturday to come and speak to you, and I know I'm not being paid, I have to make my own way there, but I want to talk to you. I want to give you that exclusive because I know you'll look after." And I always say to them, it's like a postcard. If someone wants to know the real story of you in 2 years' time, you say, "Look, listen to Sukhidienska. You'll actually understand my journey, not just the clicks, not just a bit of showbiz gossip." My purpose, that's my little baby. That's what I can go, this is what I'm really proud of. This is mine. And I think that's really hard when you work for an organization and whatever industry it is, you're always working for a boss, you're always working for someone. You're not doing anything for yourself. And so when I see my name in the press and I see they spoke to Johnny Sifa, I'm like, wow, that's me. And so when I make my little collages of like, you know, it's been 8 articles, 10 articles this week, and I put that on Instagram, I go, that's for me. And it's funny because no one really likes it on my Instagram. Instagram. None of my friends really ever get involved in who I'm speaking to unless it's someone like they absolutely love. And so I go, oh no, I'm not getting the likes. But for me, that collage shows it and I see it as like a big portfolio for one day. Someone's going to say to me, Johnny, I want to hire you. I've seen the amount of amazing press you get. And so look, I'll be totally honest. I have Google Alerts in my name and then the podcast Kudinska's name. And I check Google every hour to see if my podcast has been picked up. And I get a buzz and I get the adrenaline and I get the adrenaline off the celebrity saying that they love the interview. And then when they share it and they go to town sharing and putting it on their profile because they're so proud of it, or on their story on their TikTok, I go, that's my purpose. I've changed their life and I've given them the platform which so many other people could have done and so many people have given them, but I'm the one who has made that difference to them. Amazing. Amazing. And I love that you've had that discovery piece to kind of be able to to vocalize that for yourself. But there's another question in that, what you've just said as well, is for yourself, what's your sort of driver? We haven't quite got there because I'm hearing a bit of kind of that need for significance, for recognition, for validation. Is that right? Validation. It's all about feeling validated that I can do the job, that I am a good journalist, that I can ask the right questions, that I do know the right people. It's completely validation. It's also a this is my almost popular time. You know, at school I wasn't that popular. I was right straight down in the middle. I was friends with everyone. But now you go, okay, well, what's my popularity based on? Well, it's based on not in the school hierarchy, it's based on your following on social media. So you look at people around you, you go, well, look, they've got 200,000 followers, they've got a million followers, you've got 5,000 followers. And so you get those big spikes when the celebrity shares it, you get a load of new followers. That's validation. The validation that therefore comes in the aspect of the celebrities that have said yes to it, the validation of how many listens it gets, how much press it gets, how much it's spoken about, how your followers change. I do think a lot of it does come back to feeling validated and my own insecurity that I'm not validated in society. Yeah, because there's a danger there, isn't there? It's chasing this, what I call vanity data, the likes, the followers. It's data, it's information. Numbers give you a surge of information and you feel good in that moment. So, A, it's kind of why are we becoming a society that's seeking this external validation? Because if you need that external like, the follow, the comment, then what's happening to you internally? What happens when that's not there one day? Where's your self-validation? Well, we know all about that dopamine hit that we get of likes. You know, it's been spoken about for the past couple of years. We all know that. We all know that we're always chasing the followers. And it's funny because Instagram said, we're not going to share how many likes are. You can hide your like count. Yes, you can hide your like count for everyone else, but you still know who's liking it for you. And it's funny because you go, well, I've had one like. And so you can then hide your like count. It will say this person liked it and others. You're still showcasing to the world something very different to what's going on internally. It's all a numbers game. Facebook, it didn't matter how many friends you had. You added everyone. Now everything is based on followers because followers equals currency. You know, if you have 60,000 followers, 100,000 followers, you get that big brand deal. You look at a Love Island star, for example, and Love Island this year have banned their stars from posting on Instagram whilst they're in the villa. So they're all coming up to like 10,000, 20,000 followers and then having to do the real hard work for it. They're not feeling validated. They're going, well, where's my purpose? Because it's a numbers game, because otherwise they're not going to be able to work with brands. You look at the TV industry and the radio industry now, how many of those presenters are now coming from TikTok into the mainstream media? It's not the other way around. The mainstream media aren't becoming TikTok stars. It's only one-way traffic. So the new Blue Peter presenter, for example, he was a big TikTok star. Will, who's on Love Island, was a big TikTok star. GK Barry, TikTok star. So everything's TikTok. And it's funny because now I used to go to all these junkets and red carpets. And I don't get invited to nearly as many red carpets for the launch of TV shows as I used to because the channels would rather take a TikTok star to do the interview because they know they can hit a million people with that video. Whereas what I'm doing, my audience isn't as big as that. And so everything becomes a numbers game. Everything becomes a currency. And so going back to what you said about validation before, no one really feels validated, especially in the media industry, which we've always known to be insecure. But with the rise of social media, it's got even worse since. Yeah, yeah. Oh, 100%. And this is that sort of dichotomy between social connection, which you think you're getting through social media, and then social isolation, which is the reality. And you'll have heard your guests talking about this on your show because that's where they're given the space to talk about how disconnected they feel, even though they might have all these followers and all these people in their social zone, i.e., online on a screen, but not really in their life. And I want to come back to you as well, in that, do you feel socially isolated? Do you feel lonely even though you've got these connections through your podcasts, your work with people? Where does that sit with you in your real life, you know, your off-screen life? Yeah, my off-screen life is horrifically lonely. I think if you ask anyone who works in the media, they'd probably say the same. You know, it's a very keeping up the Joneses. Yes, you go to all the events. Yes, you go to all the theatre openings and it's all showy and glitzy and You go to all these showbiz events and they're all very glitter and sparkles and everyone's kissing and everyone's best friends with each other. But you still go home alone. I still live in a one-bed flat alone. I've been living alone for 4 years. I've just booked my first holiday to go away alone for 6 days as a trial. I made such a big thing about it on social media about going away alone. And then my mom said to me, oh, she could come now. My sister said, well, she'll come. I said, no, no, no, no. I've told social media I'm going alone and now I've forced myself to be lonely. I massively know it as well, but I'm still single. All my friends are engaged or married and they've got kids and they're living in houses. And then there's just me and my little one-bed flat. And day to day, I don't notice it. I go on my walks, I do 18,000 steps a day. I'll go to the gym. Not that you can tell by the way I look, but I generally do do all those things. It's the diet. I watch my TV, I do my work, I'm respected in work. I've got friends in work. On my walks, I have a phone call each day with someone and I feel great. And I have a long bath with my book and I'll do some self-reflection. It's great. But it's when I go to an event like a wedding or party and I see everyone with their bumps, all the girls with their bumps because they're having a baby. And I see all my friends and their couples and it's, oh, we're doing this and we did that and these couples did this and these couples. Well, I wasn't invited to any of that. I'm not part of this world. I can't relate to that. You're having conversations about marriage and kids. What do I bring to the table? But it's funny because then the grass is always greener because I spoke to my best friend yesterday and I said, and he's got 2 kids. And he said, you know, he has 2 minutes to shower. And I said, oh, I have a 10-hour bath, I have 10 hours to watch TV, I can go away, I can sunbathe. Oh, I've got to play with the kids. You know, the grass is greener. I want to have all those people around me. He wants to just have a bit of time alone. Look, I'm not saying I want to have kids tomorrow, far from it. I'd love to have a partner. You know, look at Valentine's Day, Christmas Day, your birthday. You go, well, who's spoiling me? Who's doing anything for me? And then who am I spoiling? Who am I treating? Where's that empathy? And I know I haven't got the financial empathy. I've never had to think about other people. I've only ever had to think about myself. That's hard. That's hard to admit. I've got the emotional empathy, but a lot of people don't. Single people, everyone's been single at some point in their life. And I think when you get into a relationship, especially when you get into a serious relationship, I'm 30 years old, so I'm talking about people like in their late 20s, who have gone into relationships as their first ones, they've completely forgotten what it's like to be single. Completely forgotten. And it is isolating. And I book my diary up 3 months in advance so that I know I've got a plan every single week. Otherwise, I've got weeks where I don't see a single human being. Well, that's not right. And yet they've got their partner to see if they've got no plans. Oh, I don't want to make someone— I've got to see my partner, I'm seeing this, I'm seeing that person. We're doing these couple of things. That's all well and good. And so it becomes very hard when you start comparing yourself to others. So learning this day to day, you know, when you start comparing yourself to others massively, you know, and again, it comes back to social media because we all want to showcase on social media how busy we are, how popular we are, how we're around all these people. And I'm going, well, I've got nothing to show for it. So it is lonely, it is isolating, but it's in your head. You've made it all in your head. It's interesting that you brought up the head, actually, because when you go to kind of brain chemistry and what's actually going on, when you're feeling socially isolated, disconnected, there's a part of your brain, it's called the dorsal anterior cingulate. I can't quite show you where it is. Dorsal means at the back and anterior means at the front. So it's, you know, front of the back of the cortex of your brain. And it's the part of your brain that lights up when you're in physical pain. So when you've had physical pain, that bit lights up. And guess what? It also lights up when you've had social pain. So what's social pain? Social pain is feeling lonely, right? Feeling disconnected. So it's a painful stimulus. And from what you've described as well, it takes work and energy and effort to create social connections and, you know, real deep, meaningful connections. It's not easy. And especially as you say, you kind of start to get set in your ways and find your own space. And then suddenly you've got to work to someone else's schedule or go go out for dinner when they say, or eat what someone else says, and when you might not feel like it. And so social connectivity takes effort and energy, and if you don't respond to some of those signals that are coming right from your brain— we're all chasing the same thing, Johnny, we're all chasing that dopamine, we all want that gratification, but we don't want it delayed, we want it now. Yeah, I think that's it. And it's, it's funny because I never grew up loving football, You know, I wasn't one of the lads. I never watched the football. I never went to Five a Side on a Wednesday night. That was a way that everyone socialized, even though they weren't talking, they were communicating with their feet. And so I had to work extra hard at creating friendships. And I created a lot of friendships and I've lost a lot over the years as everyone drifts and moves on. But you had to work hard. And, you know, I get jealous if a friend becomes friends with a new friend because, well, what am I doing? You know, again, being single my whole life, watching people go in and out of relationships, like, well, I've been on Hinge for 10 years, why am I not getting a date? And yet you've been in 2 relationships, that's not fair. And it's funny because you do get set back and it's interesting what you say about the physical pain. I had a lunch a while ago and there was a lot of people around and I didn't sit with anyone I know and I tried to make the conversation around with those around me and it all came back to kids. And I was like, well, I can't add to this. I can ask you a couple of questions. I'm an interviewer. I don't really care the answer. I'm doing it to be polite and also have a conversation going. But I felt so isolated afterwards and it took me 5 days to get out of that. And to get out of it, I took myself— I did an amazing night for myself. I took myself for a haircut. I then joined a gym and had a little workout. And then I took myself for dinner alone. And I just felt good again. And it's funny because that pain took so long to get out. And I meditate and I manifest. You know, you can write out a list of the pros and cons and what's the worst thing that could happen in that situation. But unless you're in it, it's very hard. I've got 3 weddings this year and I don't know anyone going. And you've got all these couples going to be there and you're going, well, do you know what investment I'm making to come to this? Not financially, but emotionally, because I'm not going to have a good time. I know I'm not. And I'm doing it for you. And it's funny because it's kind of taken for granted of, well, obviously you know that person, you know that person. Or, well, you're there for me. Yeah, but I'm not going to actually see you. We know at weddings you don't see anyone. And same with parties. There's a lot of emotional investment when it comes to parties as well. And they're not comfortable. And I'm very good at doing what I call a Jewish goodbye, which basically means that you come in and you show your face and you stay there for about 10 minutes and go, right, I'm going now. And the Jewish goodbye basically is a 2-hour goodbye. Oh, it's you. And then you start having a deep conversation and then the next person. And I'm very good at that. And that's a boundary I've set for myself. I'm never disappointed because I know I can walk in and I can walk out and I know where the exit is. And again, people don't realize that. Especially when you're in a couple and you've got your partner, you can rely on, you know, having that girlfriend or that boyfriend to have those little conversations with whilst you're waiting for something to happen. If you haven't got that, what are you supposed to do? Drink alone or just stand alone watching, or you sit on your phone deleting photos or text messages? It's isolating, it's lonely. It's not easy to join in when you've got that mental pain in your head. Yeah, no, absolutely. But it's that being responsive to that, isn't it? It's thinking about What can I do? Not what can I expect someone else to do? Who can I make eye contact with right now? Exactly as you're doing, you've got to get out of that difficult feeling and make that, make that change. This is really other— I keep going on about the science because I love talking about it, but there's another very interesting molecule which is called tachykinin. And what happens with this, it's almost like it's released when you're under stress. So when you're not spending time with people and you're around people like that party you described, you don't really necessarily trust them or connect with them. But what this molecule does is it gives you this feeling of fear and paranoia. So it really makes you feel like, why is no one talking to me? What's going on here? And it's almost this kind of signal that says, come on, you know, you've got to start finding people that you can trust, that you can connect with. And if you can't do that, what happens is you do exactly what you're doing, which is I'm going to go off and do something I enjoy. I'll go for my walks and I'll go to the gym and I'll do that. And you try and fill this gap. So my question to you then is, what is getting in your way of filling the gap with a human being, as opposed to filling the same gap with the walking and the bubble baths and the gym and all of that? What's getting in your way? Oh, that's a question. The voice is going to change now. The vulnerability is now coming out. Um, where do I find said person? Because if you're not on the— if you can do the apps, you can do the apps to your heart's content. You can't help that people aren't swiping for you. You can delete your profile and re-upload it 1,000 times and write completely different messages, but you can't help the way you are. You've got to love yourself for who you are. You can't think, well, I'm not good enough because I'm not getting those likes. You can have a hobby. I don't really have a hobby. It's finding those people that you can connect with. It's finding the Just rewind a second. Do you love yourself? Yes, I do love myself. Um, I know I love myself because when it comes to Valentine's Day and I treat myself and I take myself for dinners or massage, or I'm self-manifesting, or I'm looking in the mirror even saying I love you to myself, or I'm proud of the work that I do, I'm proud to be in my own company. I said I'm going on holiday alone, I'm a bit scared, but I know I can do it. And I think when you live alone, you have to love yourself because you have to treat yourself, whether it's through food or activities. You do. And you are proud of who you are. And I'm proud of the conversations that I have with my friends, you know, having a deep chat with them and learning something new. I'm proud of that. I'm very proud and happy with who I am. I just wish I had someone who was also happy with who I am. So what's the next step? I mean, are you going to come off the apps? What are you going to do? It's hard. It's hard. So being a traditional Northwest London Jewish boy, I want to find a Jewish girlfriend. The only way really to do it is the apps. There's no social places to go to for that. I wish there was. If there was, that would make a massive difference. That aside, friendship-wise, I'm very lucky. I work in an industry where everyone is not fake showbiz best friends, but everyone knows everyone, everyone's acquaintances. So I've always got 2 meetings in my diary a week. So a dinner with a friend or a PR or a celebrity. I've got 2 dinners a week to get out there. And it's just keeping communicating. Like I said, day to day, absolutely fine. It's when you notice it, when everything's around you. And I think the important thing, like you said about loving yourself, is Day to day, yes, I love myself. I'm not comparing myself to anyone else. I'm doing my routine. I enjoy it. I meet people. You know, I like you. Cool. Let's go for dinner. Let's have a nice chat. It's when you're around other people is when you notice it. But that's hard. That's your environment. Yeah. And we're hardwired for that. You know, we're hardwired to be kind of comparing ourselves to others. It's what pushes us forward. It's what edges us out. It's what kept us safe when we were living in caves. You know, we had to kind of be that person to kind of fit in and belong and be a part. So I think when you start to deny yourself that as well, life gets much harder. Correct. And obviously COVID was an amazing thing in a social point of view. Obviously not amazing what it did medically. Obviously, I want to just make it clear, I'm not saying COVID was a great thing physically, but from a mental perspective, You had to love yourself. We all went through change, whether it was being furloughed or it wasn't being able to see people. You had to adapt and learn to love yourself, to give yourself those little treats, whether it was a takeaway or whatever it was. And we've all come out the other side. This hybrid way of working, working from home was nothing, and now it is. And at times it can be great, even more so than working in an office environment. If you're around a toxic person, or you're around by people who bring you down and that negative energy, you can create and you can, you can control what energy is around you and you can control what your day is. So I think that especially when you look at the last 3 years, I think we've all massively grown. And also we're now all talking about mental health a lot more, whether it's through listening to Joe Sheffield or Stephen Bartlett or just through ourselves. The conversations we're having are very different, you know, especially men's mental health, the way we talk about that now. I mean, me and my boys, they know I'm going to always be very open with them and tell them how I feel straight away. And sometimes I'm looking for them to give me a solution, and sometimes I'm asking for them just to listen. But it's amazing when you're around boys now and you have those conversations like you never had before. And it's great to be silly. It's great to have a laugh, but it's also very good to have a really deep conversation as well. Yeah, no, there's something around setting the tone of your of your day by setting the tone of your morning, isn't it? But there's a great analogy there from what you've described, just in terms of kind of human relationships as well. You've talked about kind of how things change with you, with dogs, you got closer, you know, your boundaries. And I think it's the same with, with humans. You know, we can get close, we can be in charge and control, we know what our boundaries are, you can still feel, feel connected, um, and, uh, it makes for a happier place, doesn't it? Yeah. And I think also on day to day, we do so many things where you're having to interact with someone, that person you're interacting with has got a job, they do their job every day, you're going to still see that same person each time. So whether it's getting your hair cut, whether it's going to the gym and speaking to the receptionist. I used to speak for half an hour to an hour to the receptionist because I fancied them years ago. But it was that same girl each time. I'd be like, you're working next Tuesday, I'll see you next Tuesday for an hour. There's my workout done because I've spoken to you for an hour. And it's that, going into your local Marks Spencer or Tesco's, It's the same people working in the shops every single week. So it's important to keep those relationships because they don't know you, you don't know them, but it's just that thing to make you smile, to go, I'm grounded. I deserve to be here. They deserve to be here. And I know something that they know that no one else knows. There's our little secret. And back to purpose then, isn't it? It's like we think of purpose as this big ethereal thing that we've got to chase. But if you wake up in the morning and say, the purpose of my day today is to make someone smile, and then you go and have a chat with someone in the hairdresser's or at the supermarket checkout and they smile, that's purposeful. Like, you've, you know, done— I've achieved my purpose for the day. And yet, and then that carries on spreading, doesn't it? We know that, you know, kindness spreads, gratitude spreads, all of it continues to spread. So by you evoking your purpose, one simple thing, doesn't have to be this big thing, we don't need statues in Trafalgar Square, you've actually created a much better— you've got this ripple effect going. Yeah, and I, I'll take that a step further even to really bring this conversation full circle, is what we really spoke about was priority and expectation. And before, halfway through, we put them on equal level. Um, again, you've now put priority above expectation. You've prioritized how do you want the world to see you. So rather than thinking about what does this say about everyone else, what does it say about you? So if you've set that expectation that you want to make someone smile today, or you've done the right thing, or you've said the right thing, you've set that priority for yourself. You've met your expectation. It's not about anyone else but yourself. And I think that's also really interesting, that we're not relying on anyone else to get us through the day. We're relying on ourselves, which goes back to what you said about how much do you love yourself as a question, and how much do you know yourself as a secondary question. If you can set that priority of the expectation of you giving the world how you want to be perceived. Therefore, I think you've got about 90% love for yourself and 90% you know yourself. I don't think you'll ever love yourself 100%. I don't think you ever know yourself 100%. I believe you'll know that when you die because you still need to go through lots of experiences to really understand that. How are you with kids? How are you with grandkids? How are you with great grandkids? How are you with cousins? And going down the family tree. And that's how you will really know yourself because you'll have to adapt to that. But I do think that if you can set those expectations for yourself, that's how you're proud of yourself. The reason why we get that social anxiety, that paranoia, is because we're not proud of ourselves. We're not proud that we didn't go and have that extra conversation. We're not proud that we didn't go and chat to that girl in the bar. We've let ourselves down and only we can set those expectations and only we can prioritize what is the most important expectation for that. Yeah, yeah, no, love it. It's been such a great, great conversation. I think I've got to end by asking you, I mean, you said you've got to live life in order to know yourself, and you'll only know when you're dead. And I guess my question then is, how long do you want to live, Johnny? Oh, I take every day as it comes. If I die tomorrow, I've had a good life. Look, I think it's funny, we all think we're going to live to 100. I think 100 is like the base number we still all use. We're going to live to 100. It's a very hard question. I'm sure there are days that everyone who— people who are not suicidal but still ask, what is the point of me being here in 5 years' time? I think we all ask those questions because we never really know what our purpose is. We all have a role to play in the world, and it will come to a point the role stops. If my podcast stops, for example, maybe that's when I die because my role has stopped in the world. I don't know when I want to die. I take every day as it comes. I try to have things to look forward to. I think that's really important to stay grounded for yourself. So having a holiday booked or having a dinner arrangement that you're really looking forward to, I think that keeps you alive. Yeah, give me some therapy afterwards and we'll come up with that answer 10 hours later. Yeah, because the number I really want you to come up with is 1 million hours. That's what's going to happen after we've spent some time together. That's going to be your new number. But you say 1 million hours, it's like I've always been told you need 100,000 air miles in radio time to become a radio presenter. I think it's very funny when you quantify a number and it's such a big number that it's unreachable. It's not like you're putting everything on MyFitnessPal and you're saying, oh, you only have 2,000 calories a day and you can quantify that number and add it up. To say 100 million hours is hard because it's too much of a bigger number to comprehend. Yeah. And I think in— exactly, it's when we start talking about billions and gazillions and, you know, we can't— we've got no concept of what that is. A million hours is 116 years. And the reason I say this all the time on this show is because there's proof of concept. There are humans that have lived over a million hours. So a million hours is within our grasp. And a lot of the stuff that you've talked to me about on this show when you go back to sort of some of the science and the research, this is how you add years to your life. We know people who are optimistic, for example, live longer than those who are pessimistic. Those who experience gratitude, those who have connection, those who walk a lot, all of this, there's, you know, deep research. There's a lot of science attached to why, back to kind of what's going on with your, with your neurobiology and your hormones, etc. So the time is now and you couple that up, you couple all of what's been part of our sort of ancestral way that we're wired with the technology that we've now got right at our fingertips. And living a million hours is not an impossibility. The question is, how long do you want to live? I will leave that for another day. Right, world, you've heard it here. We've all got our radars out for Johnny. And if there's anyone listening who loves what you've seen on the screen today, then I'm going to put all of Johnny's details on here, including which dating apps he's on as well, so you can go find him. Thank you, Johnny. Well, that for sure was a super speedy, jam-packed conversation. Do you know though, I feel like I'm on a new mission in life now. I know we were talking about purpose in the conversation, but I feel like I've got a new purpose now, which is to find Johnny a Jewish girlfriend. First of all, I'm going to speak to my friend Alex. Alex is my amazing hairdresser, Hair by Alex, and I know that she will definitely know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Love is a deep-rooted feeling, deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. It's part of a survival strategy for our species. And from an evolutionary perspective, what love does is it serves as a very powerful driving force for our reproduction, of course, and for that continuation of our genetic lineage. But we're going beyond reproduction, survival. Why does love even matter? Well, as this show is all about longevity and living your longest, happiest, healthiest life, did you know that love also has a remarkable connection to your longevity. It does. Love and a long life go hand in hand. So what the research tells us is that people in loving and supportive relationships, they experience better health outcomes and they experience a longer lifespan compared to people who are perhaps lonely or lacking in more strong social connections. It's the emotional and social support provided by love that acts as a protective factor against varicose health conditions, and really promotes overall well-being. Now, one aspect of love that contributes to longevity is its positive impact on stress levels. So love and affectionate relationships, they've been found to reduce stress and lower the production of the stress hormone cortisol. What love also does is plays a very crucial role in your immunity. So when you feel loved and supported, what your body does is it mounts an even more responsive immune response, which then enhances your ability to fight infection, fight disease as well. And it's this immune-supporting effect of love that then helps you to stay healthier and of course more resilient as well. And love's been linked to better cardiovascular health, so better heart health. Having loving relationships, it's been found to lower blood pressure, and it's that again, that emotional connection and support provided by love that then positively impacts on your cardiovascular system as well. And of course, love's influence on longevity just goes well beyond physical health. Love matters because it's the emotional connection and the support that's offered by love that gives you security and belonging and connection and emotional fulfillment. Love matters, and now we know why it matters. But what even is love? How do you even begin to, to define it? Well, to help with that, I want to turn to the work of Robert Sternberg and his very influential theory of love. Now, Robert Sternberg, he's a psychologist and a psychometrician based in the University of Cornell in New New York. And love, in terms of trying to define it, well, it's easier to understand if we look at it through its three fundamental components. So what are these three components? These three components are intimacy, passion, and commitment. So what is intimacy? Well, intimacy is an emotional closeness. It's a connection, a bond that is shared, and it involves feelings of, well, warmth, trust, deep friendship. Intimate love creates security. It creates understanding in a relationship. Relationships where you're confiding in each other. What about passion? What is passion? Well, passion is that intense physical and sexual attraction. It encompasses desire and excitement. It's this powerful longing to be close to the person that you love. And with passionate love, you get that exhilarating chemistry and those fireworks that ignite when two individuals are drawn to each other. And I'll talk about chemistry a little later as well. And then that third component of love, commitment. What is commitment? Commitment is the decision to maintain a long-term relationship. And it's that willingness to work through challenges, to work through conflicts as well. And it involves things like dedication, loyalty, and intention, an intention to build a future together. Commitment is about the long-term investment in a partnership, even during times of adversity. When these three components— intimacy, passion, and commitment— when they're combined in varying degrees, this then gives rise to different types of love. So let's drop into that. Let's explore different types of love. Romantic love. Romantic love is a combination of intimacy and passion. It's that intense emotional connection and strong physical attraction. It's that sort of love that you often experience at those initial stages of a relationship where the passion and excitement, they're all at their peak. And then there's companionate love. Companionate love, what's that? Well, that's a combination of intimacy and commitment, and it's deep-rooted in deep friendship, in trust, in this sense of companionship. And you see companionate love in long-term relationships, things like marriages, or where that intense passion of romantic love has evolved into a much calmer, more stable bond. What about fatuous love? Fatuous love, that's the combination of passion and commitment, but what it doesn't have is it doesn't have the depth of emotional intimacy, and you often see fatuous love when people make very hasty commitments which are based solely on infatuation or they're based on external circumstances without really developing this strong emotional connection. And then there's consummate love. Consume Love, which represents that ideal combination of all three components: intimacy and passion and commitment. This is your epitome of love. It's where you're experiencing deep emotional connection, intense physical attraction, and long-term dedication to your partner. This type of love, well, it needs effort, it needs nurturing, it needs attention. In order to then continuously cultivate all three components. Now, the important thing also to know is that that balance and that presence of all these components is going to change. It's going to change over time in any relationship. Initial passion, that might mellow into a deeper, more enduring intimacy, and then commitment can then strengthen as the relationship evolves. It's a very dynamic relationship between these three components. So what about you? Where are you right now in your relationships? Are you experiencing romantic, companionate, virtuous, or consummate love? It's worth spending some time thinking about this, reflecting on these components that are present in your relationships: passion, intimacy, and commitment. And the reason for spending a bit of time reflecting on it is because then you can then start to explore ways to enhance the areas that might be lacking. So spend a bit of time after you've listened to this to just think about that for your own relationships. Okay, let's move on and talk about then the expression of love and love language. So this idea of love language, it's become relatively recently popularised, and it became popularised after Gary Chapman John Gottman's book was published, his book called The Five Love Languages. So what do I mean by love language? Well, it's not just about the words. Love is not just about words. It's about connection and communication on a much, much deeper level, which then you can express, yes, verbally, but also nonverbally. So by understanding all these different love languages, what you can then do is enhance your relationships and enhance your connections with others. So let's get into this. Let's go through the 5 primary love languages. Firstly, words of affirmation. So this is about verbal or written expressions to affirm and appreciate your loved ones. Now, this could be as simple as those special 3 words, "I love you," or it might look like complimenting someone on their achievements, things like, "You're incredible," 'What you do is awesome, tell me more.' It's about showing interest. And then secondly, you have acts of service. So this is about performing acts that show love and support. It's about making love visible. Things like cooking a meal or running errands or helping each other with chores. What these actions demonstrate is care and consideration for someone else's well-being. Third love language, that's Receiving Gifts. So what this involves is giving and receiving very tangible symbols of love. Now, it's not about the monetary value of the gift, but it's about the thought and the effort that's put into choosing something meaningful for the other person. Fourth love language, Quality Time. This is about dedicating undivided attention to your loved ones. That means putting away distractions, and it means engaging in activities that create that connection and that create shared experiences. And then finally, the language of physical touch. This is the power of touch in expressing love. And that can look like anything from holding hands to hugging to more intimate gestures. So, over to you. What's your love language? Do you have a go-to? Are there some of these languages that I've talked about that you use more, that are your default perhaps? Are there others that you use less? Are there some that you don't use at all? And maybe think about other people, people that you're connected to, friends, partners, family. What have you noticed about their love language? Okay, so we talked about love why it matters, what it is, how to express it. Let's now move into the science of love because we can't ignore the role of our brain and body in this beautiful intricate dance called love, can we? So when you're experiencing the feeling of love, your brain is sending a cascade of neuromodulators and neurochemicals around which then shape your emotions and shape your behaviors. Now you've heard me on this show talk talked many, many times about getting your daily dose of neuromodulators: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. And love gives you all four. So what's love doing? Love is activating the brain's reward system. It's flooding it with feel-good chemicals. We've got dopamine, which is responsible for those pleasure sensations. Dopamine is what creates motivation and desire. It builds those intense feelings of excitement and euphoria when when you experience love. Oxytocin, this is the one that we call the love hormone, and what it's doing is playing a very crucial role in bonding and in trust. So it gets released during those moments of intimacy, of connection, and that might be an enduring hug, or it might be engaging in sexual activity. Oxytocin is what deepens your emotional connections, and it creates, creates attachment. Serotonin, another neurotransmitter that regulates mood and it contributes to your feeling of contentment, stabilizes your emotions, gives you that feeling of pure well-being. And then of course there's your endorphins, they give you comfort and security with love. So have you had your daily dose of love today? So now let's dive into the world of data and love because love is not just a concept, it is something that can be measured and can be quantified. Now you might be wondering, how do you quantify a feeling? Well, one way is through psychometrics, so things like questionnaires and scales which turn your responses into numbers. One of the most well-known scales which has been used to measure love is a scale called the Love Attitude Scale. And what the Love Attitude Scale is looking at is it's looking at your beliefs and your attitudes towards love. So then what happens when you take the scale and get your numerical value, what it does is it gives you your own personal insights into your thoughts and feelings and expectations about love. So there's 42 questions in the scale, and in these questions you look at the statements and then you simply answer whether you strongly agree, agree, disagree, strongly disagree, or neutral about the statement. So I'll give you a bit of an idea. Here's some of the statements in the Love Attitude Scale. So what some statements do is they assess your beliefs about things like, say, your ideal duration of romantic relationships, stating things like, "True love lasts forever," or, "Love is a temporary feeling," and you can either then agree, disagree, be neutral about that statement. Other statements, they're exploring your attitudes towards commitment, so statements such as, "I believe in long-term I prefer long-term commitment in relationships, or I prefer casual and non-committal relationships. And the scale also assesses your attitudes towards passion and intimacy. Statements like physical attraction is a crucial aspect of love, or emotional intimacy is more important to me than physical intimacy. So what I will do is I'll put a link to the scale in the show notes because it's definitely worth you looking at this to get your own insights into your own preferences and your own beliefs. And the really interesting thing to do would be also to ask your partner or anyone else that you have relationships with to do this as well, because by doing this together, what this will then lead to is, well, much more meaningful conversations between you so that you can explore the dynamics of your relationship together. Look at your responses. Together, and then you can start to align your expectations. You can communicate more effectively. You can nurture the kind of love that resonates with both of you, with both of your values and both of your desires. So take a look at that. That's the Love Attitude Scale. Now, what about devices? How are devices useful in exploring love? Well, here, let's have a look at some of the physiological physiological markers of love. So when love is felt, when love is expressed, your physiology changes. And one important physiological marker of love is something that's called your heart rate variability, your HRV. And what your heart rate variability measures is the variation in the time interval between your heartbeats. And what researchers have found is that HRV correlates with feelings of love, and it correlates with feelings of attachment. And what this means is that when you're in a state of love or a state of deep connection, your HRV tends to become much more responsive. It's much more smooth and harmonious and coherent, and it gives you a feeling of well-being. So that means that if you're practicing activities that promote coherence in HRV, so things like breathing exercises or mindfulness, or doing activities that bring joy and relaxation, this in turn can have a positive impact on your relationships. So what these practices do is they regulate your physiological responses and they create a sense of connection with your partners. So if you pay attention to your own HRV and to your partner's HRV, you can get some very interesting insights insights into the state of your relationship. So what could this look like? Well, if you notice that your HRV has become more harmonious when you're together, well, that's a good sign. It's a good sign that you're fostering deep, positive connections. But conversely, if your HRV is often erratic when you're together, it might just be an indication that you need to prioritize self-care or find other ways to connect with your partner. So how do you look at HRV and how do you look at coherence in terms of devices? Well, there are specific devices that are available that measure your HRV coherence. So there's two you might like to have a look at. One is HeartMath Inner Balance, HeartMath Inner Balance, and the other one is the Muse device. So have a look at both of those. What other devices, what other devices can measure your physiological response to love? Well, how about a thermometer? Interesting, skin temperature is a very, very intriguing aspect to consider when it comes to love and relationships. So your body temperature, your skin temperature is influenced by your emotional state, by your feelings of love and your feelings of attraction, and you can now measure your skin temperature with very smart devices like smartphones and smartwatches. So now that you can measure it, how can you practically use skin temperature to enhance your relationships? Well, think about this: when you're experiencing feelings of love or romantic attraction, the skin temperature of your face and your extremities, it tends to increase. This is a particular phenomenon that's called thermal arousal. So one way to use skin temperature to deepen your connection with your partner is through the power of touch. If you engage in physical contact, so things like holding hands, hugging, cuddling, embracing, what that does is it creates warmth, it creates intimacy. It's the act of touch itself that increases skin temperature, which in turn triggers the release of oxytocin, the love hormone that I mentioned earlier. So Don't underestimate the power of a simple loving touch. What it does is create coziness and comfort. It strengthens that bond between you and your partner. So another practical approach is to create warmth in the physical space. So looking again at the research, it suggests that being in a warm environment can influence your emotional state, increase those feelings of interpersonal personal warmth, warmth between you. So set the mood, create a warm ambiance temperature-wise, as well as with lighting and warm colors and cozy blankets. It's a way to create an atmosphere that promotes love and intimacy. And additionally, if you're paying attention to your partner's body temperature and those cues, then again, that can also give you some insights into their emotional state. So Well, if you notice that your partner's skin temperature is warmer than usual, it might just indicate a heightened sense of affection, heightened sense, a heightened time of attraction. And in these moments, you can reciprocate by expressing your own love and your own affection, which just deepens the connection between you. And conversely, if you notice that your partner's body temperature is lower than usual, it might just be an indication that they're feeling a bit distant. Disconnected. And if that's the case, just open up a conversation. So look, of course, you know, skin temperature, it's very subtle and nuanced aspect of love that can just be added to your overall experience. Just being mindful of the impact of touch just creates a warm, welcoming environment. And by doing this, you can just enhance and harness the power of skin temperature to create moments measures of love and connection. And look, I know, look, while using devices and physiological data can offer very intriguing insights, love is of course, as you probably realize by now, a very complex and multifaceted experience that of course goes beyond numbers and measurements. So building and nurturing strong loving relationships of course requires open communication, trust, and empathy and mutual respect. But what physiological data can do, well, it can deepen your understanding of love. So you can use this knowledge as a guide to foster even stronger and more fulfilling relationships. What devices and technology can do is augment your experience of love. But of course, they're tools. They're not substitutes in any way for genuine human connection. But what I know is that they can certainly add a layer of fun and intrigue into relationships too, and of course we need fun in relationships. So use devices and get some data and use that. So let's wrap up, let's wrap up this episode with 3 very powerful hacks to enhance your experience of love. Hack number 1 is to practice gratitude. Now, expressing gratitude towards the ones you love, well, it not only strengthens strengthens your bond, but it also cultivates a very positive mindset. It increases those feelings of love and appreciation. So just take a moment each day, reflect on the things that you appreciate about the one you love, and let them know how much they mean to you. Use your love language to express your gratitude. Hack number 2 is engage in active listening. Because truly listening to your partner, truly listening to the one you love without judgment, without interruption, that's what fosters a deeper understanding, a deeper connection, because it shows that you value their thoughts, you value their emotions. So just practice being fully present in conversations and just giving your undivided attention. And hack number 3 is to prioritize quality time. Of course, life is busy, and in your busy life, it's so important though to carve out dedicated time for the ones that you love. So create rituals or create traditions that then allow you to just connect on a much deeper level, whatever that looks like for you, whether it's weekly date night or family game night, or just setting aside uninterrupted time for meaningful conversations. It's quality time that builds strong emotional bonds. It strengthens your connections with others. So remember, love is complex, it's beautiful, it's just waiting for you to harness it. It needs intention and it needs attention. So by incorporating these hacks into your life, you can enhance your love experience and create meaningful connections that will enrich your well-being. So, Health Activators, remember, love is not only a source of happiness and fulfillment, but it's also a powerful factor in promoting a longer and healthier life. So embrace love, cherish your relationships, and let love be the elixir that adds more vibrant years to your journey. I wish you a health activating day. Thank you for listening to Dear Health Activators, if you have enjoyed this episode, then please support the show by leaving us a 5-star review wherever you get your podcasts and by sharing this episode with a friend. Don't forget to click the link in the show notes right now to find out more details about what was covered in this episode and to connect with Dr. Alka Patel in order to take your strategic self-care to the next level. Please do support today's show partner, Youth and Earth. Youth and Earth have a range of products that I love to use myself to supercharge my metabolism, to support my health, and to slow down cellular aging. Just be sure you click the link in the show notes for exclusive offers which Youth and Earth are so generously giving for listeners of this show. Thank you for listening to Health Hacktivators with me, Dr. Alka Patel, on the Women's Women's Radio Station. I'd love you to stay connected through the socials. You can find me at Dr. Alka Patel UK, and to learn more about the Women's Radio Station, do give them a follow too on their socials at Women's Radio STN.