Health Hacktivators With Dr Alka Patel – Mr Fabulous On Inclusion By Design

You're listening to Health Hacktivators with me, Dr. Alka Patel, on the Woman's Radio Station. Before we get into today's conversation, please do support today's show sponsor, Youth and Earth. Youth and Earth have a range of products that I love to use myself to supercharge my metabolism, to support my health, and to slow down cellular aging. So just be sure you click the link in the show notes for exclusive offers which Youth and Earth are so generously giving only for for listeners of this show. Welcome to Health Hacktivators with lifestyle medicine doctor, GP, and longevity expert Dr. Alok Patel. This show will help you to discover a hidden health hacking code that unlocks your phenomenal potential for an outstanding healthspan, lifespan, and wealthspan. The show features candid conversations with celebrities, influencers, and industry icons real-life stories and cutting-edge health activating advice that other doctors might not tell you. Discover why now is the time to join the strategic self-care revolution and experience the profound effect this will have on your personal and professional success. Now here is your host, Dr. Alka Patel. Hi, hey, and hello, health activators! Welcome, welcome. On today's show, oh, I was so excited, I have a real treat for you because we have the fabulous Jay Kamisi, also known as Mr. Fabulous, because he is. Jay is a singer, he's a speaker, and he is a fashionista. He's a culturally diverse, inspirational, and in his own words— these are his own words— he's a South Asian British queer man. He's known for being that flamboyant TV judge on BBC One's show All Together Now, and he's also won a Prince's Trust Pride of Britain Award, which he was added by now King Charles III. So what will you hear in this conversation? Well, it's very, very full, but what you will hear coming all the way through the conversation is Jay's determination. His determination to be his real self and to live a creative, happy life, shame-free. You hear his heart and you hear his honesty. Please welcome Mr. Fabulous. Welcome, Jay. It's so amazing to see you. Fabulous to see you, should I say. Thank you very much. Oh, I'm so delighted to be having this conversation, sharing this space for you, uh, with you, really. Um, so where should we start? So I guess we know you for your incredible singing voice and also for your flamboyant styling and your outfits, which I'm going to come back to in a little while. But I really wanted to, I think, start right at the beginning So can you take us back? Can you take us back to your teens? Because I know that this was a bit of a traumatic time for you, partly in coming out, partly in regards to your sexuality, and also in relation to you being attacked at that time in your life. So can you take us back to that time, Jay? What was this time really like for you? So going back to, let's say, when I was about 15. So I, I've always known that I was different in the sense where, you know, I just, I just had this creative flair that nobody else had. And I just had this sense of always wanting everybody around me to be happy and everything to be kind of like peaceful. However, that's not the case because there's so much animosity and so much turmoil and conflict. And I found that, you know, I went to an all-boys school. I was actually, you know, supposed to go to a mixed school, but unfortunately they didn't have any spaces. So the second option was that I had to go to all-boys school, and it was the most daunting experience for me because it was one of the schools in Bethnal Green that that was just like renowned for, um, the, uh, back in the days for thuggish behavior and gangs and this and that. And, and there's me, little prissy me, who, who actually grew up, um, came from a little, you know, a private background, um, going into like a, a normal, a normal school with a bit of a posh voice. I can't— I, I kind of knew that I was, you know, I was not going to fit in. And I knew that, um, there will be some consequences just for being— talking the way I talk And also, you know, when I look back, boy did I mince. I had a walk on me. And I, and, and now, I mean, it's come, it's coming handy now, but back then, the way I used to walk, I mean, I might have given Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell a run for their money. But, you know, it's— but I was, I was kind of ridiculed for that. And I went through a lot of bullying. A lot of them, the boys bullied me a lot. Um, and it was not just kind of, um, verbal, verbal bullying, it was also like physical bullying as well. And it took a toll on me because I just couldn't understand back then, like, why me? I mean, you know, why am I being subjected to all this kind of, like, horrible abuse and stuff? And I mean, thankfully, I managed to make one good friend who came in 2 years later into my school. And it just so happens that he— that later on in the years, he was the first person who came out to me, and I was the first person to come out to him. And we've stayed best friends since. I mean, though we may not see each other a lot, we still communicate and we still keep in touch. And I always think that is sometimes the best form of friendships. And yeah, and so from an early age, I realized that I was different and somehow I had to adapt to the bullies. Either I was going to hurt myself more or I had to change my mindset, my way of thinking, and kind of try and blend in somehow. And so I, I just let them call me what they wanted to call me. I was called all sorts of names, you know, from sissy girl, you know, I mean, some of the names, all other just sounds which I can't mention, uh, live. I mean, you can only imagine the, some of the words and some of the names. And in the end, I just decided, right, if, um, I can't beat them, I'm gonna join them, and I'm gonna let— I'm going to take the mickey out of myself. And that's what I did. I literally, um, let them call me their girlfriends and stuff, and then I started pretending to be their girlfriends, which put— which made them wonder what the hell's going on here. And somehow it stopped the— it stopped the abuse because I was taking the mickey out of myself and pretending to be their girlfriends because they were calling me a girl. So I said, I might as well be your girlfriend. Um, and maybe because her, uh, I took the attitude to be quite brazen, it kind of like changed their perception and their attitude towards me, and I kind of thought maybe this is a kind of skill or attribute I need to take forward with me because this is not going to be the last time I'm going to be subjected to this kind of abuse. Gosh, there's so much there on what you've already shared, Jay. So it's making me think of that sentence sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but names will never hurt me. It's one of those phrases in our childhood. But is there a truth in that? Because it sounds as though your approach was, I'm going to wear a thick skin. This isn't going to get to me. I'm going to be brazen about it. But those sort of influences from our early childhood, we do kind of carry into adulthood as well. So how do you think that's translated into— It's true. Who you are now? I, I— the funny thing is, it's like, um, quite recently I've been looking into how, how trauma plays a role in, um, how we are and the type of person we become. Um, but it's really funny because only today I, I learned that, that trauma is being, um, interpreted wrong. Apparently trauma, everybody equates to trauma as being something negative, and it's— but apparently it's not. I mean, trauma is something that's happened to us. It doesn't make us weak. It's actually instilled us with something that, you know, that we've had to, you know, we've had to adapt to because we've already been through it. It's something that's already there, but we have to recognize it. And sometimes the way media and social media has portrayed it somehow, it's made us all feel like it's because our— it's our— the trauma from our past has made us weak, and this is the why— this is the way we are. And I don't see it as weakness. I kind of see it as, you know, it's, it's been a learning curve. Trauma is something that makes us who we are today. Um, it makes us the persons we are today. Though we may have some problems, issues, I think the, the people that go through these, um, traumas are the ones that somewhat come out of it a lot quicker than the ones that don't. Because the one that come— I think the people that go through trauma later on in their life have it, have it— I sometimes think it's more, it's worse for them. Because for us, we've had time to kind of like go through so many of the emotions and, and then somewhat realize, um, to some extent that it all stemmed from the past. I don't know if that makes any sense. Oh, sort of, totally. Um, because there's something around the meaning that we attach to labels. So the moment we say the word trauma, we immediately think of victim and we put the two together and that becomes an association. And that's a really, really commonplace association when it comes to just thinking about the word trauma and the word victim. But, and I'm coming at it from a much more sort of scientific perspective, again, that phrase, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, is actually got its roots in really core physiology in terms of our survival mechanisms, because we know that when you put yourself through a stress, both a psychological stress or a physiological stress, a physical stress, you actually activate genes. You create this sort of epigenetic imprint, so an overlay over your genes, which actually does create strength, that sense of resilience, being able to be adaptive, being able to flex. And go back to kind of evolutionary, you know, back in time, this is exactly what— and I think that's what I was, that's what I trying to get at, because that's what it was. That is exactly what today, um, it was, it was literally just came up on a, like, a TikTok feed where somebody was talking about how, you know, people have misinterpreted, um, the word trauma. However, trauma is a, is a form of strength. And it's like you just mentioned about the layers where, you know, it's, it's an imprint, it's something, it's like a genetic makeup that's in us that, that we, that we go back to. It kind of shows us, it kind of like picks up on the fact that, yeah, you've been through this, you've been through this hurt, and this is how you, you will deal with it, or this is how you're going to deal with it. And so, um, I, I, I, I get that, and, and I'm glad that you are echoing and sharing the same sentiments with me because it's, uh, it makes me feel that, you know, you know, maybe, maybe we were hearing it wrong, and it's, it's about time that people got the interpretation correct. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. That said, you've also experienced physical trauma as well though, haven't you, in terms of— is that right, that you've been hospitalized because of some brutal attacks on you? Yeah, I, I have. I've experienced, uh, I've experienced, uh, a horrific, uh, traumatic experience. So, uh, at 17 I was signed to a record label. I I was, um, uh, signed to the late Faye Treadwell, who, who managed the Drifters, and a lady called Lady Carol Black. And they were, um, a, a force to be reckoned with, two powerful women. Women have always been a huge big part in my life. And, um, so the record deal I had, I was, I recorded a, uh, single with Edwin Starr's brother Angelo Starr. I was ready to take flight, you know, and I, I was you know, in my element, you know, everything was going right for me. However, I was young and I was quite vulnerable at the same time. I didn't know what to expect. I was on my own. There was no guidance in the sense, and so I had nobody to look up to or feel inspired by. So those were the things that still scared me. And I'm gonna touch on what happened to me, but I always feel like sometimes things that happen happen for a reason. And sometimes people think, well, God, Jay, what happened to you was so traumatic, how could you say that it was meant to be? I said, sometimes it happens because it's— if it didn't happen this way, my life could maybe have taken a complete different route, and I might not be here talking to you, you see. Um, so that's why I kind of feel like, you know, no matter how bad or worse of a situation, it's, it's made me who I am today. And that experience was that, you know, coming back home from a recording session, I was heckled by 7 Asian men, and to the extent I was brutally attacked, and I ended up in hospital. I was fighting for my life. Those experience— that, you know, the attack also, it was unprovoked. They, you know, called me all sorts of names because they assumed I was, you know, in their head, I was gay, you know, and also At the time, my upbringing, the community frowned upon anybody being creative and anybody singing or doing anything that in their eyes was flouncy and feminine. They just expected me to go to college and, you know, and get— I mean, I got on. I'm a very educated young man. I did everything my parents asked me to do. However, creativity has always been something that's always been instilled in me, you know. You know, no matter what my parents say, my father was a singer. So, um, so it's, it's in the, it's in the blood somehow, you know. You know, my father used to do kowali singing and stuff like that. So kind of for me, like, um, it's, it's, it's not something new. It's, it's in the blood. So he may have stopped because of religious, and I understand, but then, you know, I, I, I took the baton on as such, you know, and carried it forward. And, um, and so it's like, oh, he's bringing shame because it's, um, he's, he's going down a Western route and he's going to be singing, you know Western music and Christian music. In their eyes, it was just all these things. And I'm like, I'm just singing, I'm just doing what I love. The attack was so horrific. I, you know, like I said, I had to carry a colostomy bag for a year, a year and 4 months. And thank God it was reversible. So I had— I managed to have that reversed. But that had its toll on me because it caused a lot of problems, you know, when I was going to college, even university, when I was studying for my BA and everything, I had problems which I could sometimes, I couldn't even go to my classes because of, you know, the impact that the colostomy had at the time. But thank God it got reversed and I got myself back on my feet and I just kind of like somehow I decided that then I had to move away from East London and kind of like removed myself from that situation. So it's almost like from one bad experience, it was then another very traumatic experience. And then it was more of an emotional detachment experience where I had to detach myself from the people I loved because one, I wanted to protect them. Two, in their eyes, I was bringing shame to them. But I always had this, resilience. It's almost like when you talk about this imprint in me where I knew that, you know, I love my family, I love the people around me, and one day maybe I will— maybe one day maybe it will change and they will, they will, they will come around, you know. It took 13 years, but they did. So, so I kind of always say that, you know, you know, time is a healer and things, things do come to fruition You just have to stick at it. And sometimes I've got to remind myself that because sometimes I forget that. And I, you know, I even myself, Mr. Fabulous, you know, you know, everybody sees the social media side of Mr. Fabulous. They see all the glitz, the glam, and the happy and the smiles, you know. However, there are times that I'm putting on some amazing content and I'm feeling absolutely in bits because, you know, I want somebody to pick up the phone and ask, how are you, Jay? Are you feeling okay? And But people always assume they see somebody strong that they're, that they're okay, but they're not. And I remind a lot of my friends and people, you know, keep in touch with those friends that make— that empower you and encourage you, because sometimes they also need a little bit of reassurance. And that's so warming to hear from you, Jay, especially considering what you've been through. And it sounds incredibly brutal if it resulted in such a significant physical injury. And a colostomy and an attack on your, on your gut, which is horrendous. And it sounds as though part of your sort of coping mechanism in terms of your recovery from that was to sort of attempt to extract yourself from an environment, a very, very difficult environment, and shift your environment so that actually it was one that fed much more into what you valued and what was important to you. How do you find that sort of again now? Um, you're talking about sort of social media, and of course there's lots of sort of things that can happen on social media— trolling, gaslighting. How easy is it, do you think, for people themselves? It's a bit like storytelling. It's a bit like storytelling. It's a bit like having an— um, every situation in life has a narrative, and I kind of felt like, you know, um, you know in my life, you know, I am the director, I'm the writer, I'm the producer of me. And if I am to be happy, then the only way I can be happy is if I change the script or flip the script or change the narrative. And I used to do that by, like you just said, I used to remove myself from situations and create a new one. So much to create a whole new storyline, a whole new plot. And sometimes I was very happy in those, but then again, it's an escapism because you escape from, you know, something that you've not dealt with. And I always found that no matter how many times you change the narrative or you change the concept or you change the storyline, you will still come back to the subplot of the experience that happened to you that you need to deal with, or the people that have let you down that you need to deal with. And, and it took me a while to realize that, you know, there was this, like, this recurrence that kept happening. And, and, and then I thought, you know, I, I need to deal with— deal with me and deal with what's happened and deal with, with, with the, with the family and all the detachments in life, which, which, um, you know, in some, in some retrospect has helped me, and in some respect has has hurt me a lot because I'm not going to lie, you know, I don't claim to be perfect and wonderful and everything. I am a person that's quite complex in the sense where I've been hurt a lot and I've been let down a lot. And the words that I find offensive that people use when they sometimes with me is, "You're so sensitive." I hate that because it's not the fact that I'm sensitive, it's the fact that I already know I pick up on, I pick up on energy. I pick up on people that are not good for me or surroundings that are not good for me. I don't know what it is, Dr. Um, I always had, have an intuition that something is not right, so I, that I would have to remove myself from it. And often, often it's been the case where I've never been wrong. So, and, and those are the things that I've kind of carried with me throughout my life and stuff, and kind of like um, try to change things. And yeah, and sometimes I wanted to change people, and I realized that, you know, I can't change people because people have to learn for themselves. Um, and it's been a massive learning curve for me, I'm not gonna lie. And I don't claim to be, uh, a guru, perfect in everything. I'm still learning. But what I, what I do know is that, that the, the amount of things that I have experienced and acquired in life which I can write about, I hope I can, you know, share that with people and help people get through what they are getting through. You know, my biggest role in life at the moment is to be a role model to other young South Asian, young men and women who are going through what I went through. I never had a role model. So that is my biggest goal in life, is that if I alone or with a group of people can do this, then, you know, we, we will move, we will move mountains. That's my, my prerogative at the moment. No, and that's beautiful because even by sharing with the honesty that you have today is going to move people to consider what they can do to be honest to themselves and to others around them as well. Because that is one of the truths, isn't it, is that we tend to sort of hide behind a shield, or as you mentioned, sort of that escapism. And I've talked a lot about this on this show previously, that's sense of self-acceptance. It's got to start from you, that your ability to accept— not, you know, slap one cheek and show the other, certainly not— but that acceptance that life can be hard, life can be challenging, but at each point on your life journey, there is still a choice to lead with your values in exactly the way that you have. You understood your own intuition for what's within me is my sense of creativity, and that's what I want to explode out in the world. And you started off early in your teens thinking, gosh, I'm different. But now you're embracing that difference and standing in your difference. And I think that's, that is all part of the journey. As you say, we never fully understand it in the moment. There's something that you mentioned that it resonated straight away with me when you talk about, you know, even though while I was in secondary school and things, you know, I, I had some wonderful teachers and one particular teacher Um, it's just something you just, you just mentioned about, you know, accepting who we are. Um, a good— uh, she was my science teacher, her name was Miss Simon, and if she is listening to this podcast, you never know. Um, I, I want, I want to, I want to thank her because, um, it was because of her, of what she said, that made me change my mindset. And then remember I spoke about how I then I just kind of decided to join the bullies and kind of like take the mick out of myself and not be a victim. So Miss Simon said to me, she said, she took me to a corner and she literally, she grabbed me and she faced me in front of the mirror. She turned me around and she said, look at yourself. And I was quite like, oh my God, what's going on here? She said, look at yourself. And I said, I am looking at myself. And she said, what do you see? I said, oh well, I just, I see me, you know, like how kids, you know, how kids talk back in the day. She said, 'You are not a victim of yourself. You will always and have to always be a master of yourself.' And I was like, 'What?' I never— it never resonated with me, but it's always stuck with me that you are not a victim of your past. You're not a victim. You are a master of yourself. If you can master things, then you can move forward. And, and that goes goes back to what you're talking about in terms of self-acceptance. If you can accept who you are, then you become a master of your own being, your own self-entity, you know. And that will allow you to have so many wonderful ways of moving forward. Because if you feel— if you know, I always see that if you are comfortable in your authenticity, then you can like open doors. And even if the doors are closed on you, you won't allow those doors to hurt you or bring you down. You will let your authentic self, just keep moving forward and you will always master things in the process and not be a victim to the past. Does that make any sense? Oh, totally. And what a wonderful, wonderful teacher to really show the mirror in that way. And it is such a— it's such a beautiful reflection to be able to share. And I hope she is listening because— and if you are, please, please, please do, do message both of us because you don't know what you said then the effect that that has had now. And, you know, it's so incredible to— for you to remember that and resonate with that and use that to move forward in life. In terms of the mirror, it's really interesting because how many people truly just look at themselves in a mirror? How many people truly get to know themselves? Because most people are afraid of being with themselves. That idea of solitude that idea of getting to know your internal self, that sense of being master of yourself, master of your mind, takes us in that direction of mindfulness. So tell me about mindfulness for you. What does that mean for you and how do you, I guess, practice it? Or in terms of sort of really layering it, how do you layer mindfulness into your life? Mindfulness is the most beautiful and the most powerful tool or life skill set that you can ever have, I would say. I didn't really— it's always been there, but I never knew what mindfulness was until I turned 40. And I realized that things and people are not always what they seem to be. And I also realized about, you know, how important it is to value yourself, value your worth, and also value your, your authenticity. I, I came out quite young, but at that time I was still not happy within myself because I did find myself— I was— I went through a bit of a corporate phase and things. But now, like, I would say, um, 2016-17 onwards, I came into my own when I became Mr. Fabulous. And yes, I created a facade, I created a character, but that character was a kind of like an extension or exaggeration of who I am, you know, a flamboyant person. Yet what the one thing I didn't want people to— a lot of people did think this was I didn't want people to think that I was narcissist, you know, because quite often when people are so like out there and showing all the glitz and glamour, people automatically assume that you're a narcissist. So the, the reason why I created the name Mr. Fabulous was because I wanted to question people's perceived assumptions, because straight away they're going to make their assumptions by, by seeing Mr. Fabulous, the glitz, the glam, with the big hair, and they're going to think that it's some kind of wannabe that's, you know, craving attention. And partly they might be right. However, if you then get to know the person and the contents behind it, which many people have gone and found out about me, They see that there's a different side to me. I am a big empath. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I go above and beyond for people. I'll always go above and beyond because I want to treat the people the way I want to be treated. I've been hurt in life and I would never ever want to see anybody in my circles, in my surroundings, or in my tribe, as I call it, to ever go through that. I can never stop anybody from having to experience these things because experience is a good teacher. It will always be something that's going to teach us well, you know.. But all I can do is be that good friend, that good listener, and just kind of like help encourage them. I will not ever do anything like give people like a tough love because I don't believe in tough love and things like that. I don't think tough love works because people don't want tough love. People just want a good listener. People just want a good friend, a good confidant, and people want sincerity. If you are not going to be sincere with somebody, then don't be their friend. Walk away, you know. And I realized when I was 40 with mindfulness, I realized that there are some people in my life that were cohesive looking to controlling me as a person. There are some people in my life who did not want me to, um, be successful, who were always playing my success down. And, you know, I, I run a choir for over 16 years. I absolutely loved running my choir, but at the same time, I was also hiding behind my choir because I wasn't confident enough to come out as a solo singer. And quite often, um, I was, I was, I found myself in situations where I would hear singers praise everybody else, but they would not praise me. And, and when I've done a solo, solo thing, and that, you know, even though it hurt, but I had, didn't have to remind myself, I'm the boss, they're not going to be nice to the boss. But then I think in life you've got to be nice to everyone, you know, um, whether they're a hierarchy or— I don't believe in hierarchy. I think we're, if we're no less or no more a person. We're exactly the same as everybody else, and if we can treat each other like equals, then we can move, uh, you know, move forward. Uh, but I'm, I've done drag, digressing a little bit. Going back to mindfulness, um, it, it's, it's put me at a place of ease, Dr. Elka. It's, uh, it's, it's made me a much better person in the sense where I'm not as irrational as I used to be. Um, I I sit back and I, I evaluate things and I observe things and I, I see things for what they really are. And I try to— before, somebody's horrible, for example, I would, I would retaliate and I'll be that conflicted person, you know, or, and like two little, two little schoolgirls fighting in the playground. But I've learned that you can't be like that because, you know, and in a way, thank God for social media, because social media has helped us understand that people go through so many emotions. Mental health is rife and huge, and there's so many aspects and spectrums to it. And, you know, somebody might be horrible to you, for example, but they might have been going— they might be going through something. And so I try and understand why the person is the way they are. And sometimes you can't help the way some people are. Some people are genuinely hurt, and you can only be there for them, or you can step away from them. And some people are not good for you. Um, I also— mindfulness has also taught me about the, the people that are what I call trauma dumpers, you know, who, who will just call you and just offload all their problems onto you and then hang up and then let you— then you're like literally completely like, what do I do? Like, I'm completely drained. And, um, and then, and then you— but you just, you don't, you don't fathom it until 'Oh, somebody else tells you that. Do you know what that is?' And a good friend of mine who, um, who's, um, she has a friend who's a therapist who told her that there is such a thing called trauma dumping. And I was like, 'Whoa, I've never heard of that one before.' And, and I started to realize that there are a few people around me in my, in my, even in my circles who were doing that. And unfortunately, I had to get— I had to, you know, do the right thing and cut ties. But that came with a lot of hostility. We're going to take a short break now for some music, and we'll be back shortly with even more health hacktivations. Why you see it your way? On the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone. We can work it out, we can work it out. Think of what you're saying, you can get it wrong and still think that it's alright. Think of what I'm saying, we can work it out and get it straight or say goodnight. We can work it out. We can work it out. Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend. I have always thought that it's a crime I will ask you once again. Try to see things my way. Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong. Why you see it your way? That's tense and we might fall apart before too long. We can work it out. We can work it out. Yeah, no, really, again, appreciate what you're sharing. It's interesting that that trauma dumping, I think it's, it's what all patients do to all doctors all the time. Walk into the consulting room, drop your health, and, you know, just give it back to me when you fixed it, please. And it doesn't work like that. You've got to hold on. To your health and get back to that ownership and standing in your own health and taking responsibility for it. And it sounds for you as though this mastery of your mind is something that you've been super, super focused on and super self-aware of. But what about the rest of your health in terms of— do you think there's areas that you might be ignoring? I think there's— there are a few areas that I'm always ignoring. Stress is a, you know, we're always stressed and so we always try to mask our stress. I know that I certainly do. And I often find that sometimes that leads to, you know, the sleep patterns, you know, the breaking of sleep patterns. And then sometimes I might get 4 hours and sometimes it's 2 hours. Other times it's the proper 8 hours that's always advised by everybody. Um, but I, I do, I, I, you know, even though I get told you need to rest and stuff like that, in the past I never really took, took account of that until, until now. Um, I'm more prone about, yes, I need to stop, you know. Um, I was very much on my phone 24/7, you know, um, and it, it, I— you would never see Jay or Mr. Fabulous ever, ever without his phone, or his phone put on silent, or anything like that. Until now, I've realized that it's important that there is a cutoff point, but at the same time, I don't know if I'm doing it right, Dr. Elko, or if there's more that I can do to, um, to help, you know, to help that process smooth out— that process, I call it. Yeah, yeah. And I think it comes down to, first of all, prioritization. More than anything else, it's asking yourself a question. Why does my health matter to me? But more than that, why is it my absolute priority? Because fundamentally, we all know that without health, there isn't anything else. But more than that, again, what about peak health? Like if you had the best health you could have, what would it give you? What opportunities would it give you? Things like clarity and focus and connection and relationships. We know, don't we, that sleep has got such an incredible function in being able to allow us to process our emotions and to think better and think more clearly. But it's not about knowing. We know to eat well, to sleep well, to move well, to connect well. And yet something is getting in the way. What is it for you? What gets in the way? Because you know this stuff, right? I think what— I'm a creative and my mind is always over overthinking so many things, you know, and, and, and, and a lot of it's not been healthy, you know, and I've had to really, really, um, you know, it's been hard for me to say, you know, to kind of like let it, let, let it go as such, and it's not important, you know, um, and, um, but the biggest thing for me is, um, being let down by people And when I mean being let down by people, it's like when you put your trust into people that you feel that, uh, who have your best interest at heart. When you put your trust into people that you really feel, and you've invested your whole, a lot of time into these people, uh, you've confided a lot into, and then, um, them, you know, and then you, like myself, I then grow some you know, more strength, and I decide that I'm going to move forward in my life. And when I decide to do that, it's just all these walls start crashing, crashing down because you start— I start seeing the hatred towards me, and it's like, what? I've done nothing wrong. That's the thing that I struggle with the most is because I often find that I'm, I am always faced with a lot of, um, hate and jealousy that is rife around me, um, and, and all I want to do in life is I just want to be a good person. I want to love everybody around me, and I just want to have a good, happy life. I don't purport to be a superstar. I don't purport to be, you know, craving attention, this, that. I just want to be that one person that maybe can make a difference. You know, I want people to understand that, you know, I went— because of what I went through, that is why it's made me the soldier, the person I am today, that I just want to make a difference, and I hope I am making a difference. But those things have its toll on me because then it's just like I find people, you know, certain people around me are always letting me down, and, and those things then put a stress on me. And then I do find that the stress has a big impact on me because sometimes it takes me 3 days, or it is for a week if not month, to recover from, you know, recover from being so, so drained by by their energy. And, um, and that effect sometimes affects my sleep, and, you know, and it can also affect, uh, work life and work relationships with things. And things have— I'm not gonna lie, things have gone wrong because of that. And but the, but the good thing is, Dr. Elka, I have recognized those things, I have acknowledged those things, and I have learned now to kind of like, you know, um, prioritize, you know, like to, to say, right, for a certain time, I don't go on social media. I will stop social media and then I will work on something creative like upcycling a wardrobe or putting all my energy rather than sitting there and thinking about all the rubbish that people, you know, all the things that are, that have been said or the bad energy, rather than letting that consume and eat away at me or let that fester, I'm putting all that into a little creation. And I found that it was working for me. But I'm, but I'm sure that there is more I can do on a health perspective that may help me too. So yeah, yeah. And a lot of what you're describing is again very critical to health. So for you, it sounds as though that purpose, that mission, that vision is a real driving force for you. And we definitely know that if you've got a purpose, if you've got a reason, a strong enough reason for getting out of bed every day, you are automatically adding years to your life. And there's statistics that tell us it's 7 and a half years, people who've got a purpose like you, you've got that purpose. It's been ingrained with you. It's been part of your growth and growing up that you've already added years to your life. But what you don't want to do is then take them away and slide down that kind of snakes and ladders game because of the things that you're ignoring. And so absolutely 100% to be able to carry on doing this incredible, fabulous work that you're doing. It's taking the priority up a notch, isn't it? It's really having that mantra that says, I will not sacrifice sleep. I really will not sacrifice sleep because I've got some incredible stuff still left to do in this world. And I want to be around for a long, long time to do that. Right. And purpose is, purpose is the perfect word because I do, I do lead my life with purpose. I, I, I, I, I lead myself with visions. And, you know, all my life I've been an optimist in the sense where I, you know, I look at things and I will go for it and I will do it. And if it doesn't work out, I don't— I've never ever seen it as failure. I've never seen things as failure. I just see, okay, it worked or it didn't work. But the funny thing is a lot of the things that I may have done in the past, which I thought didn't work out, Funny enough, it's kind of coming in, working in my favor now. I'm not— oh, that skill that I thought didn't work back then, it's actually working now. So, um, I never ever— and I've learned that, you know, just by leading your life with purpose is a beautiful thing. And, um, maybe it's always been something instilled in me. Maybe it's a calling in my life that, you know, Um, you know, some people in life, uh, are, um, are molded to, to be that person who, you know, is going to be that. Um, I have— the only way I can describe it is black sheep of the family. I know that's maybe a word we can't use or something, uh, is that I, I've always— or misfit, let's say. I've always felt like, um, I've always been the misfit. But by being a misfit, I think it's because I was going to be that person maybe maybe that was going to change people's mindset, people's perception of things. By me coming out to my family, who are very strict, you know, from a very strict Asian background, um, I've changed a lot. And I've also changed the course of where my brothers and sisters have got in terms of their work lives. They've all taken a job which, uh, which is in the caring field. One is a cognitive therapist, one works in a school, one works as a youth worker. Every single one of them have gone on to do work with others by giving and encouraging and empowering. And I always feel like, you know, and they do, they always say to me, it's because, well, especially my sisters always say to me, it's because of what they saw me go through. And so that kind of fills me with a lot of joy that, you know, that despite what I went through and the hurt and pain and all the tears, you know, that, but I, But going back, because I had purpose, I was never ever going to let my younger sisters down, ever. I wanted them to grow up knowing who their brother is. And even if it means that the brother, you know, is quite androgynous and wears a 10-foot-long train better than they do, it doesn't matter. You know, it's just like, they've come to love me and I appreciate that. And they've always said to me that, you know, what you went through has helped, and we wanted to understand. And my younger sister especially, you know, went on to become a cognitive therapist and does a lot of things with young children with trauma and everything. And she was the one that mentioned that it's because of you I wanted to learn more, I wanted to find out. And I've learned now it's a lot to do with the, you know, our childhood. And for me, I'm really proud because it's like I I didn't think that I have had an impact. But then, you know, purpose does help you realize that, you know, there is a calling in life and people will reach out to you. I've had people reach out to me on Instagram who I don't even know, telling me that my content or something that I've said or something that I've done has inspired them and moved them. I even had done a film just after lockdown where I invited some of those, some of those people who messaged me. I never met them in my life. To come and be part of my film. And we've had, you know, when you have a profound connection with people that you don't even know, I always find that they, the people that I don't know them or have never ever met, have been more like a bigger family to me than my own. And that's not, that's no, no, I'm not talking out of line or derogatory about my parents. It's the truth and it's, it's got to be said. By saying that, Dr. Alaka, I want to touch on something we just mentioned about before about support system, you know, you— I, I often find that even, even within your own communities, and I'm not talking about family, I'm talking about my, my LGBT community, for example, I find that there are doors that get closed on you, um, you know, and, you know, I, you know, I'm trying to do my best in terms of, uh, living a life with purpose, um, speaking my truth, living my truth, and being a visible representation, especially for the young South Asian, young LGBT, young boys, girls, transgender, non-binary, whatever labels anyone wants to put, create for them out there. And when I grew up, there was none of that for me, so it's so difficult for me. But the fact that I can proudly say I'm a gay queer South, you know, South Asian creative, I want to be able to, you know, to use that purpose, that that chutzpah, as I call it, and help other young people. But I have found that, you know, there are people within our own communities, especially within the LGBT community, that are stopping that. And I've come across that because I gave my, you know, I communicated with a lot of the LGBT groups and I said, guys, I want, you know, I want to do more. You know, I'm openly giving you me, um, when really people should be coming to me. I'm open to say hi, I want to help you guys. And for them to turn around and say, no, you're not for us, you know, and this is a group of people that are trying to create a museum that's going to be for LGBT unsung heroes or people that are making a difference, to say that I'm, I'm, I'm not for them, you know, make, you know, has— it's not hurt me, it's made me realize that I have such a big purpose in my life that even, even people in your own circles are going to be threatened by, by, by, by, by, by you, by your authentic self, you know. And there's a saying, um, and, and I hope they are listening because I'm not going to name who they are, but they're sure they know who they are, uh, and the thing is, it's like, you you've judged— you've judged— you're judging people wrong. If you're going to work in charities, if you're going to work in organizations where, where you're supposed to be empowering, um, encouraging, um, don't do it for the right reasons. Don't be doing it just for smoke and mirrors, just to fill your own egos and to fill your own narcissistic approach in life, because it, you know, it will come— you'll come undone. And your mask will drop and everybody will see you and the organization for who they are. And that's insincere. And it's not going to be me who's going to be the one who's going to do it. I will openly speak about anybody that who brings me or my mental health down because all I'm trying to be is authentic. And there's a saying, you know, that somebody made me realize. Somebody, you know, said to me, listen, Jay, Mr. Fabulous, they said, you know, you know what you remind me of? So don't let those things get to you. You're like the rocket ship. So, okay, well, what's this about? So you're like the rocket ship, and when that rocket ship, you know, has components, and within that components is such a thing known as boosters. And those very people who you think are so important that you're approaching to help you, but then they're the ones that create the hindrance or want to sabotage you, are the booster seats. Because when that rocket takes flight and reaches certain altitudes, those boosters fall off. And the reason why those boosters fall off is because those people are not equipped to handle the altitude that you as a person are going to, the purpose that you're going to lead in your life. And, and I kind of looked at that, I thought, oh, because I was quite angry at one point, and when, when I heard that, I thought you're quite right. And that's probably what it is, is I'm not going to take it out to heart. A lot of the times when I see people who take this homage towards me or my truth or me leading my life the way I want to lead is because it's— they find it either they're admired by or they find it a threat. And that's not me being modest or, or like, you know, like blowing, um, smoke up my backside as such. Um, it's me being honest, and I think it needs to be called out, and somebody needs to speak the truth because, you know, there are some wonderful, uh, LGBT representatives out there who are doing some wonderful, wonderful things, and there are some amazing drag queens out there who are doing some amazing things, but there is more, more of us. There are some amazing South Asian, you know, LGBT, um, queer, gay, lesbian, you name it, and I kind of feel like, you know, Where are they? What, you know, come, come to the forefront. I think they're there, but I just feel like there are people there who are just holding them back. They just don't want them to progress. And now, and if you are listening and you are those one people who feel like you're being held back, just either reach out to me or Dr. Alka and just progress forward and be your authentic self. And, and because the only way you are going to be able to move those mountains is if you break down those walls that have been built by the very people that you think are protecting you. Yeah, and that is incredibly powerful. I'm sorry, I went a bit of a rant there, but I had to. I think that's, you know, really, really important statements that you're bringing in there. That analogy really summarizes it beautifully because you are on this journey and your altitude is one that you're going to choose. The dizzy heights that you want to reach, you get to choose who you take along, on that journey with you, and you get to choose which booster seats you're gonna, you're gonna drop. So it's again getting that sense of, I'm in control of my journey, I'm here for bigger things, I can raise my altitude, and I'm going to do that in this space of gratitude as well. Because that's exactly what you've been describing as well, that gratitude for where you are now and that ambition for climbing even higher and making a significant impression on the world. So I guess kind of trying to wrap this up a little bit, you of course have got a deep, deep sense of purpose. You are on a mission to make a difference. You've got a drive and you've got a beautifully strong heart that's taking you there. So my question to you is, how long do you want to be on this incredible planet? How long do you want to be alive so that you can create this impact act and have that influence on the people that you want to. How long? What's your number? Uh, I want to— if I can live as long as I can until they will build the word F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S in this— in space, I, I, I want to be here. Um, you know, you mentioned that, you know, if the, the most resilient and strength that you have, you, you tend to live the, the, the life expectancy expectancy is longer, or I'm sorry, the more purpose you have in life, your life expectancy is longer. And I want to feel as though that I will, I hope that I will have that, you know, all my friends keep this, my partner David always says to me, you're going to outlive all of us. And I'm like, why do you say that? And he's like, it's because you just, you get hit by so many things and you just keep coming, you keep coming back up, how do— he always says to me, I would never be able to. And I'm like, I don't know how I do it. I just feel like, you know, it's just like I've got no choice. I think it's just like a switch in me that I, you know, when it— if anybody that has been through an experience where you nearly lose your life and you're pronounced dead, literally, by the doctors, and then they bring you back to life, if Rome has been given life. And I want— and so for that, I've taken that chance, and for me, I never want to let it down. I want it— I want to do as much as I possibly can. And there are times— and I'm not gonna lie, even today I was feeling a bit down, right? And, uh, and, and I, I sometimes feel like I want to give up, and then I have to remind myself, Jay, you, you've been through the worst already in your life, and, and you're persevering in life. Just keep doing you, be your authentic self. The people that are going to be around you are the people who are going to see you for who you are and are going to appreciate you. And I just want to say to you, Dr. Alta, and everybody at Your Radiance, I applaud you guys for, for, you know, approaching me and asking me to come and speak. I'm just some young South Asian boy who decided to call himself Mr. Fabulous and had an opportunity to create a profile. And, and you are giving me that platform to, to share my truth, you know. And even though we're talking about health, health has everything to do with purpose, life, well-being, your self-acceptance. So I want to thank you personally from me that even today I was— I felt so— I almost felt like I didn't want to do something, and I'm being honest. And then I had to remind myself, and my partner said, go do this podcast and it's going to help you. And I'm going to say it's been very therapeutic, and I applaud you and I thank you for that because it's allowed me once again by talking, by just sharing, to remind me, you've got this, Mr. Fabulous. You're all right, Jay. You have your purpose. You mentioned purpose before I did. And that's, for me, affirmation. Life has ways of affirming to you that you are okay and you will be okay. Just keep doing what you're doing because you were lost once and you fell once, you will never— you will never ever fall again. Oh, that's beautiful. Um, I don't even want to end our conversation because I can feel our energy just even through the screen, right? It's just so, so incredible. So, um, my incredible gratitude and appreciation of you as well, Jay, to stand in your own space and be you and look in that mirror and have that sense of self-love and self-appreciation, which then allows you to go out and radiate your energy as far as you can, all the way to the moon and back, right? We're flying high in that rocket. So, um, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I'm sure there's going to be so many hearts and minds that you have touched today, and we will certainly keep in close contact as So thank you so much, Joe. What can I say after that conversation? A man on a mission, making a difference whilst at the same time being an active, visible voice of inclusion and encouraging and empowering others with his truth. Diversity, prejudice, victimization, near-death trauma, strength, sleep, success, mindset, mindfulness, judgment, social media. So much came up in that conversation. And as Jay said, if there is anything on this show that has moved you or you want to talk about further with either me or with Jay, please, please do reach out to us. All the links are in the show notes for you. And I for one know that I will be having even more conversations with Jay. This really felt like just the beginning. And one thing Jay did say was that he said mindfulness was one of the key approaches that played a part in him being able to take his fabulousness from strength to strength. So that is what I want to explore more next week. I'll be exploring the science behind mindfulness and how to translate that into an art. I'll be exploring what mindfulness is and what it isn't, and also the benefits and utility of it. So make sure you tune in next week. And in the meantime, I wish you a health hacktivating day. Thank you for listening to Health Hacktivators. If you have enjoyed this episode, then please support the show by leaving us a 5-star review wherever you get your podcasts and by sharing this episode with a friend. Don't forget to click the link in the show notes right now to find out more details details about what was covered in this episode and to connect with Dr. Alka Patel in order to take your strategic self-care to the next level. Please do support today's show partner, Youth and Earth. Youth and Earth have a range of products that I love to use myself to supercharge my metabolism, to support my health, and to slow down cellular aging. Just be sure you click the link in the show notes for exclusive offers which Youth and Earth are so generously giving for listeners of this show. Thank you for listening to Health Activators with me, Dr. Alka Patel, on the Woman's Radio Station. I'd love you to stay connected through the socials. You can find me at Dr. Alka Patel UK, and to learn more about the Woman's Radio Station, do give them a follow too on their socials at Woman's Radio STN.