Judymay Is Listening – Mr Marino, Training People How To Treat You

Foreign. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome everyone. Today we are going to be transforming how people treat you here on Judy Mae is listening. I'm Judy Mae Murphy. You're listening to Women's radio station. And this is where we support women's well being, your well being, your life. So there are a lot of things happening in your life that you are really happy about and a lot of things that you would like to change. Maybe some things that are smaller than you would like them and some things that are much bigger and not welcome. So let's just transform that today with a little idea called we train people how to treat us. And it's something that I talk about all the time and I think about all the time because a lot of people talk about how is it we can get better opportunities. And it's not really about opportunities if you don't know what to do with them when they land. And very often what happens is someone gets a great opportunity and then suddenly they are put into a position where they feel uncomfortable and they put up with that and then they become dissatisfied and de energized and they're not as creative as they used to be. And then they might even become ill anxiety around this situation. So we've got to make sure that we know that we get to decide who we are and how we're treated on this planet. Very first thing is how were you treated when you were a kid? By the way, we have a lot of people who can be jumping and talking about this with us. Right after the break, we have the incredible DJ, Mr. Marino, who I'm sure a lot of you know and are really excited about getting to hear how he has done this in the world, how he has made sure that even though he's the nicest guy on the planet, that people don't just step all over him. Also, our else, you heard last week about how Elspeth had to go and have an emergency haircut and die. And so she's here looking stunningly gorgeous today with her sassy little way. And we have confiscated all scissors in the building and all the bathroom bleach, so she's not able to do herself any more damage. But you'll be very pleased to hear from her again because she's someone who can give a perspective about how do you do that when you are younger. So let's just launch in with this idea of you were trained when you were younger, how to treat other people and you're being trained all the time. Let's imagine someone just walks in a room. They walk in the room and they are looking just unstoppable. They've got their shoulders back, they are wearing really great clothes. They've just got this confident look on their face. They look like they know where they're going. They're just certain of themselves. You're going to read that and you're going to say to yourself, well, okay, this is a person who knows what's what. And so I'm not going to treat them as if they are lost. I'm not going to treat them in an offhand kind of way. I'm going to treat them with the respect they obviously deserve. That's with knowing nothing about them. Let's imagine then that when you were a kid, your mother had made a decision that you were the messy one and one of your siblings was the tidy one. Let's just imagine that anything that you then did that was tidy wouldn't count because in her brain she had trained herself or something you had done unconsciously when you were little had trained her that you were the untidy one. And so she's going to treat you like that, no matter what evidence shows up to the contrary. And that's another thing we're going to be talking about today is how do we make sure that. That you can retrain people, that you don't just leave people with this old idea of you. Why is it so hard for us to go back to our family of origin to celebrate a wedding or Easter or Christmas or any other holiday? Because they have an idea of who you are and they treat you according to that idea, not according to who you are in that moment. And it's infuriating. So we're going to talk about how we can turn that around, how we can recondition people who have a very old idea of you, maybe even recondition your old idea of you so you can retrain you how to treat you, a really fun thing to do. So you can stop being so harsh on yourself. You can stop being your own worst critic. You can stop, you know, just eating junk food. You can start to treat yourself really well. You can design better evenings for yourself. All that stuff that we talk about a lot here on Judy May's Listening. You can start to do that once you start to realize that, hey, you know what? I'm training myself how I deserve to be treated. Once you start treating yourself really well. That is step number one. And then step number two is how to get everybody else on board with that. But if you try to get other people to treat you in a certain way and you're not showing up that way for yourself, it's going to be pretty hard because you're going to be sending a mixed message, and that's not something that we want. So have a little think right now about what is it that you unconsciously have been letting people know about you? How have you been training people to treat you? Are you the kind of person who, like, apologizes to the door when you walk into it? Are you the kind of person who, when you know somebody else is mean to you, you say sorry and say, you know, you back off. Are you the kind of person who, as soon as things get difficult, you run away? What is it that you do? How are you telling the world who you are? How are you walking down the street? Are you smiling? Are you letting people know that you're optimistic about what's going to be happening in the. Are you letting people know instead that you are defeated and have given up? You get to decide. You get to decide who you are, and then you get to decide how you get other people on board with that. So, for example, I, like a lot of other women, used to put up with a lot of quite abusive, well, terribly abusive behavior where if a man said something like, come on, darling, give us a smile, and you're walking down the street, you used to just kind of feel irritated and take it back. And now you know that. Well, part of that training is, okay, well, they aggressively came towards you. So you can push back with equal intensity and say, no, you don't get to decide whether I smile, frown, sing, whatever it is. I get to decide that. You get to do that pushback. You get to train them that. No, you don't get to treat me that way. So as we know, it doesn't always go so well. People aren't always welcoming that and saying, oh, thank you for teaching me that you're the kind of person who is autonomous and independent and demands respect. Thank you so much. I didn't know. No, they're going to not necessarily be happy. There's going to be some kind of complaint, and there always is. There's kind of a little glitchy bit or a little kind of moment where things aren't okay while you move into the new way. And it's the same with training people how to treat you. When you train people how to treat you, they might Be a little bit surprised. I had a client once who, her husband never let her travel in the front seat of the car. He just. It was his way. He wasn't a very nice man. And it was. Elspeth gave me a look like she. Hello? Sorry, what? Exactly, Right. And whenever their elder son was in the car, he had no problem with the eldest son being up front. Whenever any of his buddies were there, no problem. Welcomed them with open arms in the front. And for years, just to kind of keep him happy and not have him kick off, she would sit in the back. And then what she started to do was to say, no, hold on a second. It's not just about me not being able to sit in the front seat of the car. It's everything. It's about the finances. It's about the way I'm spoken to. I'm not having any more of this. And the first thing that she did was she just would go out to the car and she would sit there early. She would just sit there for 10 minutes so that he couldn't stop her physically getting in or, you know, kick off about it or put something else on the front seat. And she would just sit there. And she was sending a very strong signal to him that I no longer sit in the backseat, literally and figuratively. And I thought that was really awesome. Because then, of course, as she trained him in this, he didn't like it one bit. And she saw that, you know what? This is not salvageable. This is not something that can be fixed. And she managed to get out of the marriage and now is very happily with someone else. So we're not saying that when you train people how to treat you that they're necessarily going to like it. For example, it took me, I think, about 20 years to get my aunt to understand that I am vegetarian. So from about the age of 15 to the age of 35, she would just serve me meat every time I came around. So I would just hoosh it to one side, or if it was meat touching everything, I just wouldn't eat the meal. And it took that long. Because there are some people who just believe that their version of you is more important than your version of you. And that needs to never be true. It isn't true. And it doesn't even mean that they get a say in it. You know, if somebody needs to be a real supporter of you, a real fan. And I really love the phrase, you know, don't take feedback from someone that you wouldn't go to for advice. And there are a lot of people who are coming forward with advice and feedback about who you need to be. And unless you have sat down and really designed it for yourself, you've already decided, do you know what? I'm a nice person. But that doesn't mean picking up everyone's dry cleaning. That doesn't mean chauffeuring everybody around. Nice doesn't mean letting people vent for an hour and then I get two minutes about how my day was. Nice is something different. And I need to train people in the new version of nice. But unless you've worked out who you are, then you don't know how it is. People are off track with that. If you're someone who feels that you've got your version of you and it doesn't match up with everybody else's version of you, this is the show for you today. Okay, so what we're going to be doing in this hour is we're going to be talking to Mr. Marino about how was it that he managed to be so nice? You're all going to fall in love with him. Absolutely. Guaranteed. Everyone in this room is already a huge fan and I've known him for a long time. And how was it that he was able to change people's idea, change people's idea of him as someone who didn't have English as a first language, someone who came to this country a few years ago, worked his ass off to get where he is today. But how did he manage to change people's idea who needed training? And how did he do it well? How did he do it badly? We're also going to be speaking to our producer, Ellsworth, all about, you know, difficult difficulties in families of origin and around groups of friends with letting people know that, no, you know, I'm not that. Just because you believe that I'm that. And we're also going to be making sure that you have lots and lots of takeaways. So I'm going to be jumping in with the, you know, the little skill sets. Here's the ABCs, you know, to say this, do this, don't do this, don't just say this, all that stuff so that you're really, really confident that you are going to be able to go out and do this. Our tip number one for today, we're going to get. Myself and Elspeth have been chatting about how we're going to develop the show, and one of the things is we're going to be bringing in a lot more people to meet you, and we're going to be also bringing in people to solve their situations live. But also we're going to be giving a lot more tips as we go along. And of course, as usual, Ellsworth is going to be doing her thing where she's going to be wrapping up. What are the three biggest takeaways that she got from the show? Just to make sure that you know that you have something definite that you can go forward with your life. Because you know what? Here on women's radio station, this is what we do. We listen to you. We make sure that you know that we're not just all sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves and sympathizing with each other. We're saying, right, okay, this is where we're at. How can we get to that even better place? We're going to do that massively today after these. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Judy Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Meg Matthews. And I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Join us for a brand new show on women's radio station. It's the Meg's Menopause Show. Yes, for the first time on radio there's an entire show dedicated to the menopause, a fresh new approach where we inform you of all the choices and treatments that are out there, supportive and empowering. 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Welcome back to Judy Mae is listening. I'm Judy Mae Murphy and we are here on Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being. And today we are going to transform everything. Everything. Why not just make that great big announcement? Let's just do it all. Let's get excited about the fact that massive transformation is possible very, very quickly. And one of the biggest things that gets in the way of us doing what we want to do in the way that we want to do it and having fun with it is that other people have other ideas about what we should be doing and who we are and that's what we're dealing with today. So I have the huge honor of, and I know everyone says huge honor, but this actually is because I think he's just one of the coolest people on the planet. He knows I absolutely adore him and his name is Mr. Marino and he is a famous DJ. Now, I'm not really in the music scene, something that we laugh about a lot. My knowledge is pretty much nothing. But I do know that anything that you've played for me, I really adore. And I know that your fans are crazy about you right across the UK and now across the world. So tell me, what is it that you, what is it that you really do? Because a lot of people have different ideas about DJ and how is it that you got yourself to that position first? Thanks for having me. Yeah, well, It's I'm also DJing and producing also. It's all started with just going around different places, different music and I just fell in love with electronic music. It was probably around 10 years ago and from there everything just unfolded. And when did you decide that you were a dj? When did you start to treat yourself as a dj? I would say this happened just in the past three, four years. Before I was seeing it a bit more as a hobby, something that you do in, in the bedroom or just with friends. But since I moved here in London and I actually discovered a massive scene that I have never even knew that exist. And then I decided to take myself much serious about it and just moved things to a different level. Where. What did that look like practically? So it was like before how many hours were you putting in on the decks? And then after you decided, okay, I'm going to treat myself like a proper professional, what did that do for the actual behavior? Well, when you, when you see it just as a hobby, it's you, you don't get as serious as you will do if you're, if you see it as a professional. Because when it's just a hobby, I can always miss a day in the studio. I can always just decide to do something else when I start looking at more seriously. Now I know there is at least two days in the week that I'm going to be in the studio and I'm going to do as, as long session as I can. And there is no question about it. So that's what makes the difference between the being a hobby and being looking as a professional. Because when you put these hours, this is when the good thing starts to happen. You learn, you progress, you just move forward and some really good things have started to happen. And what would you say, was there any difficulty around? Because I'm lucky in that I'm Irish. So when I moved to London, you know, I've got very. Everything sort of reads as English if you like, until I open my mouth. And even then I got quite a posh Irish accent. So a lot of people are like, where are you from? And I've lived in America, so there's a slight twang. So for me, I've never had to, you know, face the idea of not even racism, but just an idea of that I wouldn't be capable of doing something. Did you find that there was a time where you had to train people that you, that you weren't an idiot? Yeah, well, I mean I, I think this happens everywhere, no matter where you go, doesn't matter if you're in London, in Sofia or New York. So it's the thing is all these things, most of it I learned from you and all the, all these sessions that we had just sitting and talking about it and I wasn't looking at it in the same way that I'm looking now. So maybe in the beginning when I arrived, I wasn't even realizing if this was happening. But now when I think about it back and I can see, but luckily I haven't got that much bad experience with that and the things for me worked quite smoothly here and I feel quite looking quite happy about it because I know it hasn't been like, like this for a lot of people, not just in the UK but all around the world. And yeah, I'm one of the lucky ones, I like to say. And was it the same then when you had to start to train people that you are someone that they need to start hiring and need to start taking seriously? Well, you know, actually when you, when you, when you get this information, when you actually start practicing this thing, training people and it's quite amazing. It's quite amazing because you, until that moment I have been just allowing people to. And not all people are having bad intentions, but you, if you don't control it, doesn't matter what it is, it can always go sideways. So again, luckily now I have all the, all the, not all the tools, but I have most of the tools to make sure that the people are treating me in the right way. And I think one of these things I've learned to be very honest with them and not just honest, but to speak if I feel something that is wrong or that something that itself, I speak my mind. Before I used to keep it in myself a lot. Well, that's, yeah, that's really important because that's exactly what we're speaking to here today is the idea of, you know, let people know that, hey, hold on a second, this isn't okay with me because they're going to be presuming that you're all right with whatever, you know, payment for hiring a studio or fee that they're going to give you. And then if you can just say, actually that's not all right with me. I was expecting this. Instead then you've, you've done that. That's part of the job of training people how to treat you, training them to pay you properly, training them to be on time, training them to, you know, do all the things that, that they need to do. So yeah, it's, it's an important part of it. Elspeth, have you found that yourself when you are, you know, because. Because we've talked before on the show about how, you know, you came up to London at a very young age and how is it that you manage to train people that, you know, just because you're a teenager, it doesn't mean that they can treat you badly. Yeah, I think at times it's definitely a learning kind of process where you notice, oh, you're looking down at me because of my age, or you're looking down at me because of this, that, and the other. And what would be this? What would be the signal for that? What would let you know that you're being looked down on? So just so we know he's not completely. And just kind of horrible behavior, it's just off putting. You know, you get that feeling in your gut where you're like, oh, that doesn't sit right with me. But I've kind of learned to be quite, quite vocal and quite sassy and, you know, I do just kind of push. Do that pushback. Do a little bit of a pushback. I mean, of course, I don't go completely to town or else make it much worse. You want to burn bridges. Yeah, yeah. Which you also do learn. But, yeah, no, just kind of don't. Don't let it kind of get to you. It's kind of my thing. Recently, I got told by my neighbor, I was walking down the street and I was just wearing normal clothes. And she said to me, she went, oh, you look very glamorous with that look of sort of like, that's not the norm. Not what we'd expect from you at all. Elspeth, she just kind of was like, oh. And I was just like. I turned to her and I went, yeah, that's because I am. I was just like, don't judge me. I don't see you in so long. And that's the first thing you say to me. But that's a perfect example of those, like, little snippets where it doesn't take, like, you sitting down and doing therapy with someone. It just takes that moment of, well, that's because I am. You just assert yourself in that way. If they're so confident to tell you something, be confident to tell them it back. Yeah. And do you find that when you are DJing that you know who. What the DJ is going to be like from the way they walk into the booth or walk up to the deck in the booth, the decks, you know, when they're performing. Oh my God, I need to go out sometime. When, when, you know, when you know that those big, I see those big photographs that you put up on things like Instagram and there's like, you know, a guy who's deejaying and then there's like a great big audience. Right. Whatever that is, when he's, when the guy stepping up to do that or the woman stepping up to do that can tell what they're going to be like by the way that they step up. Yeah, probably you can, but I can't read very well the, the body language. But you can always be surprised. Just the industry is like this. Like, you see the most humble guy just coming in with a bag of vinyl and then he plays tracks that you, your mind can't even imagine. So. Wow. So he trains everybody. He's just like. And I wonder if he's just. I wonder who's got that like in his head. Because I know I do. Whenever I perform poetry, a lot of people will, you know, if it's like, for example, I'm going over to Vienna at the end of this month and I've been invited to perform in a lovely 400 seater theater in Vienna for UNICEF. And I'm there with a lot of classical musicians and singers and it's going to be such a wonderful time. And we did an event here in London before Christmas and I know a lot of people were thinking, oh, the poetry bits, the boring bit. And I just, I get such a thrill out of, well, let me show you. Let me just show you how. Let me just blow you away here. And that can be kind of an exciting thing to do. Have you ever had a time when someone has had a low expectation of you either a friend, family member, audience member? Absolutely, yeah. Can you remember what that was? Well, my, my dad, for example, when I, the first time when I shared with him the, that I want to be DJing, I want to start producing music. His. He didn't say any. His face said, oh. It was literally like, really? I mean, you have never even completely, you know, like. And now being here at this moment, having my studio, having already three albums ready to be released, it's amazing. The feeling is amazing. And not just because I showed him that I can do it, is because I actually, I did it, you know. Yeah, it's. It's amazing. What a brilliant point that is. The best way that you can train someone is to sort of say, well, I already did. Because sometimes people say to me something like, oh, do you want to write a book. And I do. I'll say something like, on top of the eight books I already have in 28 different countries. And then suddenly you just. And again, you do it playfully, you do it nicely. Anyway, we've got loads more coming up right after this about how you train people, how to treat you. Welcome to the women's Radio station. Supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website, womensradiostation.com for more information. Hi everyone and welcome to the Femaling Show. 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Women's Radio Station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio stations supporting women's wellbeing. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome back, Judy Mae Murphy. Here you're listening to Women's Radio station and here we listen to what's going on for you in order that you can transform your life. And a lot of you have been giving us the indications that you have an idea of who you are and other people are treating you as if you are less so as Elspeth and Mr. Marino were saying that, you know, they might present themselves to say, you know, father, I am a dj. And then your dad pushes back with, no, you're not. And then, you know, might sort of say to your neighbor, by the way, you show up, you might say, I'm glamorous. And then your neighbor says, I am not. But then you push back with, yes, I am. Either a vocal yes, I am or I've already done it kind of, yes, I am. And I think that the most important thing there is this knowing that you get to decide who you are, that nobody else gets to decide that. And that's why it hurts so much. If you know that you're a hard worker and someone calls you lazy, why does that hurt? It hurts because it's unfair, because you know you. And they might have seen you sitting down for half an hour after working your butt off for two weeks and not getting any time at all. And then you suddenly, you sit down and start, you know, just relaxing and breathing. And they come along and they start making comments about, oh, it's well for some to be sitting there doing nothing, wish I had your life. Wish I was you, Wish I had your job. And the reason it hurts is because it's not fair, because it's suggesting that you are someone who is very different from who you know yourself to be. Same thing then. For I remember one time, negging had just become a thing. Do you know what negging is? Have you heard of that? Okay, so it says, Martin, Ms. Marina's like, yeah, yeah, I know what that is. Else was like, no, it's probably just as well if you don't know. But it's this manipulative technique that some really insecure men use to try to get women interested in them. So they just say something really negative. When it first came out, didn't work on me because already I had a very clear idea of who I was. But this guy, this guy, we were at some awards ceremony and we all went off to this bar afterwards for a party. And this, this guy, this television guy comes in and I start having a conversation with him and his friend. And I was going quite well. Like, his friend seemed very interested in me and my career and what I was doing because I had sort of left television to go and become a coach. And so they. A lot of them were like, you know, well, where are you? What are you doing these days? It's like, oh, I'm just off around the world talking on these big stages, doing TV shows in America just as a guest. And we were having a great chat, and then this guy turns around and says, but how can you do that job because you don't care about anybody? And I remember just being crestfallen. It like, just gripped my gut because that is the thing that I like best about myself is how much I care about people. And he said, well, all you've done is talk about yourself this whole time. Now, this whole time was about seven minutes, and his buddy had been just machine gunning these questions at me. And of course it was gonna, you know, as conversations do then it was kind of like, but anyway, enough about me. Tell me about what's going on for you guys. And we didn't get to that point. And he said this, and the idea was that then I was supposed to find him irresistible. I was supposed to go and want to prove myself to him and chase after him. And I just walked away. I just said something like, well, okay, right, well, listen, I'm just gonna get back to my friends. And my friends told me that he kept looking over, like, with this expectation of, like, you know, when is she going to come and prove to me that I was wrong? So we've got to remember that. That as we're training people how to treat us, that's very different from justifying our existence or proving that we're a good person. We don't have to do that. That is something that we have to do. Never that it's okay if somebody wants to have a wrong version of you. If somebody wants to get the wrong end of the stick. If someone wants to think badly of you, then you don't have to fix that. I've had people who have, you know, not liked what I've done on a stage. And yeah, there'll be, of course there'll be a whole bunch of people queuing up for photographs and hugs and to tell me their story. And then you'll have one person who wants to tell you why everything about you is wrong. And I'm like, and the everything about me is wrong is coming from what, the standing ovation or from something else. What's. What's that about? And they will really want to do that. And I just sort of say, okay, yeah, that's yours. That's not. That's nothing to do with me. That is yours. So you can go and take that version of me and have fun with it. Go and tell everyone how terrible I am. Off you go. And that's very, very freeing. So we got to remember that training people how to treat us isn't about convincing them. It's just about saying, no matter what you think, this is the standard that I expect people to rise to when they're around me. I don't let people speak to me like that. When I lived in Hollywood, I used to use that phrase a lot. There would be a lot of particularly very powerful misogynistic men. And they would say certain things. Like, we'd all be sitting around at a party. They go, come over here, come over here. Like, what am I, your puppy? Like, no, I don't. I don't stand up from where I am and go over there just because you, you have decided that that's where my body should be on the planet. That's just not how it works. And so, and you know, just very simple phrases like, I'm good here. And you know, they. Then they get really offended and they start calling you things and they'd say things like, you're. You're a terrible whatever. And I would just. It would infuriate them, but I would just kind of go, maybe you could have something there. And just, you know, just know that they're not interested. They're not interested. They're not seeing me as a person. So they are going to treat me as a non person. And I'm not up for that. So the way I trained them was, I trained them. I'm not available for you. And that can be a training too. I'm just not around. So it's not about manipulating people or convincing them round to Your way of thinking, it's about just setting your boundaries, setting your standards, holding to those boundaries and standards and saying, this is the way that it is from now on. So during the break, we were just chatting amongst ourselves, and Elspeth asked a really interesting question. So, Mr. Marina, what is it like in the. In the music world, in the DJ world, when it comes to how people treat each other? Well, again, like the DJ world and the music industry is just another different, different part of the. Of. Of the world where you have a little bit of everything. You will have people who will treat you amazing, and probably they will be in your heart for the rest of your life. And in the same time, when you're a new. When you're new in whatever you're doing, then when you step in, you know, there will be always people who's gonna pick on you or is gonna try and see where you're standing. Does that hurt you? It used to. It used to. When I wasn't able to understand how to push back and how to. I wasn't. I wasn't able to understand what actually these people are doing. Why are they sending that kind of energy towards me? You know what I mean? But now, why do you believe that is now? Because now I don't. I don't just. I don't give that much thought to it, and I just don't really. You're just like, that's what they're doing. But that's not what I'm doing. You're stronger in what you. You're doing. If you have a problem with me, that's your problem. It's not mine. If I'm not in your way, and if I'm not doing anything bad to you and you still have an issue with me, then that's your issue. It's not mine. So deal with it. I don't need to spend any energy or anything on you and your view of me just because you don't want to see what actually I am, you know? So, I mean, it's much easier to say it than it is to do it, because there is different situations, there is different people. There is so many different things that can happen. But again, this comes back to just being able to be vocal about it and. And say. Say how you feel. Sorry, as you said. Just don't talk to me like this. It is what it is. And if you don't like it, again, that's your problem. It's not mine. And I find that. I find the little phrase not okay, really kind of like, hits me. Not okay. Absolutely. Because. Because they have to think about it because you haven't said a full sentence. You haven't said, excuse me, that's not okay. And they can't argue back. But if you just go not okay. You've. They. They are kind of like suddenly unbalanced because they're like, what's, what's like, I'm not okay. This isn't. Hang on. And they don't have. And there is something very important. I'm a man, so I'm 100 sure that I haven't received even half of the. Of the bad situations that the women can go through in. In doesn't matter which industry. So we're all nodding yes. Yeah, I'm sure you do, because it's exactly like this and it's really sad, but just I hope the people will be. Will be a bit more just aware of what's happening and how treat. How they treat people. Because sometimes we don't even know that we're treating people in the wrong way. So even if you look someone, they still receive this energy from you. Doesn't matter like if you say something or not. So even this can be a abusive move where even just looking at someone like is a piece of meat or something like this. It's ridiculous and it's wrong. Yeah. But again, and so that's a really important point that you're making there, that we don't just push back against the things that are said out loud, but we also push back against the COVID the hidden kinds of discomfort and abuse that. The hidden ways that people are telling us that this is who we are or treating us in this way. And that we, you know, we push back just as hard against those and say, hey, is there something going on here? I'm getting funny vibes from you. Or are you okay even just saying to someone, are you okay? You can be signaling to them like, I'm not really asking if you're okay. I'm sort of saying that there's something not okay about the way you. You're showing up right now. And I think I really want to. I'm going to wait till after the break because I have a feeling that else was going to have a good long story for us on this one. So we're going to find out what are the other ways that we can train people how to treat us. So again, just to recap, today in studio we have Mr. Marino, the wonderful DJ who many of you have enjoyed at parties and festivals and club nights. Also we have our wonderful producer, our technical producer, Melis, who is here with us every week and who makes sure that we, we can just think about what we're saying and she takes care of everything else. And then we also have Elspeth Froudlock in the studio. She is our associate producer and our voice of youth. She's kind of like on snl they have Pete Davison, right? And we've got a considerably less tattooed version of that and a less drugged up version of that in Elspeth, but every bit of sassy. And so from all these, you know, different perspectives, that there's one thing that we all really share is that, you know, we have a right to take up space on this earth. We have a right to follow through with our dreams, to do the things that we want to do. And anytime people are unknowingly making that difficult or intentionally making that difficult, it's our responsibility to step up and say, no. This is the way that things need to be. Welcome to women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Judy May is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Meg Matthews. And I'm Carolyn Van Diers. Join us for a brand new show on women's radio station. It's the Meg's Menopause Show. Yes, for the first time on radio there's an entire show dedicated to the menopause. A fresh new approach where we inform you of all the choices and treatments that are out there, supportive and empowering. This is your show, so join us every week with a host of celebrity guests. Our very own resident doctor where we talk about everything menopause. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three. And I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experience. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on women's radio station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the radical wellbeing show supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you, who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes and who are taking back their power. And together our mission is a simple one. And that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate. And you can listen to my show Get Books here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. You're listening to Women's Radio Stations supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's Womens Radio STN or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome back. You're listening to Judy Mae is listening. I am Judy Mae Murphy. We're here on Women's Radio Station. I'm sure you've heard by now and I'm sure you're very excited about it as I am that there is a new show that's all about the menopause and that is being presented by our own Carolyn, who you all know and also by Meg Matthews. So please do have a listen out for that find that. I'm not sure what time that's on. What time of the day is that on? It's starting next week, right, so you'll be able to find it next week. But just, just put that in your calendar if that's something you're either going through right now or that that is going to be happening for you in the next few years. Because these are two wonderful women, amazing women, very, very strong. Really, really interesting and they're going to have a lot to say and they'll have some, some great guests as well. So please keep an eye out for that. Also, as you know, here on Judy May is listening. We are huge fans of Hazel Butterfield with her get Booked show. So give that a listen as well. Hazel is just amazing. We love her. If we could bring her in to be on this show every week we would. And she always has very interesting people on talking about their different books. So give that a listen as well. Anyway, back to Judy Mayer's listening and what we're all about is transforming your life. I always say in my job as a motivational speaker and coach, I always say that change happens from the outside, from the inside out, that we change the in to change the out. And so just a little thing, we said we'd give you a few more tips this week. And the thing that you can do to make sure that you're very clear about who you are so that you can know in the moment that, hold on a second. I know that I'm this kind of person. I know that I'm hard working, or I know that I'm good at this, or I know that I'm creative, or I know I don't have to work past 5 o' clock or I know that I don't have to put up with this kind of nonsense from people. The way to do that is to journal, to sit down every day and just work out on paper. Who am I? What is my job here? What am I all about? Who have I decided I am? Because nobody is a certain way. It's all a series of decisions that have been acted on over time. Some of those decisions were conscious. We knew that we were making them. Some of those decisions were unconscious. We started to think that that's just how it was. And we allowed the world and the people around us to mold us. Now we get to take charge of that again and we get to say, you know what? No matter who I was in the past, this is who I'm choosing to be now. And once you have worked that out by journaling every single day and then just showing up as that. I was doing a training with people. I do these trainings with groups. I was doing a training at 7 o' clock this morning. And that's what we were talking about. We were talking about doing the day as if living today as if you had already reached your next big level of success, as if you had already achieved all those great career things, as if your body was already the way that you wanted it to be. And it really does change how you show up. So make sure that you're showing up according to who you know yourself to be, who you're going to be in the next stage, and not some past version of you, who you were the last time these people met you, or who you were before you had decided who you really are, and that's really, really important. So that you're not just by default training people to convince you that you're still the same old way because you're not. You're changing every day and you get to decide the direction and you get to decide the velocity. Alrighty, so let's bring it back to this idea of training people out there. And either Mr. Marino or Elspeth, whichever of you comes up with the answer first, you can jump in. What was the worst way you've ever been treated like? What was the thing where you were just like, I told you about that guy who, when he said I didn't care about people that really, really hurt. Other things that have really hurt have been times when, you know, early on in my career when I would show up to do a job and they would. The event would have been cancelled and no one would have told me, even though I was the, you know, the. The main speaker. So what? Can you remember a time where you just felt really, like, treated badly? Yep. I did a school play when I was younger and the teacher absolutely hated me. I mean, it was just for no real, real reason. I mean, of course I didn't show up to two of the rehearsals. And she really liked the students that. She was one of those ones that really liked students that were very kind of teachers, pet. Okay. So the students who gave her feedback that she was awesome and you weren't giving her that feedback, you were giving her rejection. You were giving her. I don't. So she decided you were awful. But I was a bit more as a student, I wasn't a big fan of being a teacher's pet. I was just like, if we get on, we get on. If we don't, it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, we're just here to do everything, you know, it's school. And she absolutely went for it with me at times I'd be doing absolutely nothing and we'd all be in a room and she just turned to me and she'd scream at me for nothing. And it got so bad that it was with the girls in the year above. And at my school there was quite a hierarchy. You went to a very posh girls school. The girls in the year above were like, people in the year below. You don't care about them, they're beneath you, blah, blah. But the girls in the year above would come up to me and they would ask if I was alright because this teacher was just so out of her way, mean to me. Isn't that interesting? Because there are situations where the structure and the hierarchy is such that you just can't, you can't train people how to treat you because the, the hierarchy is overriding that. It's like you might know that you're a reasonable person, but in that moment you're not allowed to be a reasonable person. First, first of all, you have to be a third year or a fourth year, and that can, that can override that. And that's why a lot of people like to work for themselves, is because they're not constantly having to do this training all the time with people who, you know, against people who feel that they're superior just because they are in a senior position in the, in the environment. That's really interesting. What did you do? So she wanted me to quit the play, but I didn't. Just out of spite, you'd have to put up with me. But yeah, no, I'm glad that was, I stayed. That was my biggest month, my biggest revenge was I stayed. I stayed. She's like, you know what? You're not getting rid of me. So, you know, but all down the fun. I still have fun. In the end, she was just a bit of a nightmare of a teacher. But that, but that's really interesting. So, you know, but you did train. But the thing is really important that you trained her in that, you know, you can be unreasonable and you can be. Your reaction to maybe my not showing up can be completely out of order. And still you need to know that I know that I have a right to stay here. So you, you trained her in that? Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, I was a 12 year old, so, so yeah, like, you know, doesn't matter. But I think it's really important that we, you know, while we're guiding kids and while we are, you know, letting kids find out who we are, that we're also, you know, not closing them down from giving us the feedback. We don't get to decide who they are just because we're older. We don't get to decide that this is the naughty one, this is the good one, this is the creative one, this is the smart one, this is the dumb one. We don't, we don't get to do that. And yet so often we do. And then if kids, you know, they. No wonder they feel resentful because they feel like they're not getting to be anything else. Like in our house, my oldest sister rode horses. And I for years felt like that was it. Oh, no. And I'd always said, oh, no, my older sister's the horse rider. And someone said to me, well, you can both be horse riders. I was just such a simple statement. I remember standing. I was standing in Hawaii, I was 31 years old, and I said to someone, oh, no, we were watching, or we're talking about, you know, different things that we were going to do. And I said, oh, no, I don't ride. No, my sister's the rider in the family. And he was laughing and he was sort of saying, what you. And I had one helmet, like, of course you can do that. Light bulb moment. And I went off back to Ireland and then for the next six months I went to horse riding lessons three times a week. So there's that. So, Mr. Marino, what is the worst. Let's take it back to before, because I think before you started to be a professional dj, like you were in the service industry. And before that, I'm not sure what you were doing before that, before you came to more or less the same stuff. Hospitality industry. Yeah, I was thinking quite a lot about it. I can't remember, like. But I would say probably the school was kind of the last time where I've experienced really, really tough, kind of aggressive behavior. Yeah, exactly. And it wasn't from a teacher, it was from another student who was two years older than me. But again, it wasn't really, really bad. But still, you know why I think? Yeah, I'm just, I'm kind of fascinated because I think I know why that is, is because I believe. This is my belief. You can let me know if this rings true for you. My belief is that you are constantly training everyone. When you show up and you're smiling and you're strong, I mean, you're, you know, you're healthy guy, you're young, you. You stand up straight, you look people in the eye and then. And then you smile at them. So I'm imagining that the reason that you don't get a lot of people treating you terribly is because you're training them from the start, from the moment you show up. And to be honest, I never thought of it in this way, but now a lot of people see me, it's like if they see me not smiling and they think something's wrong, is everything alright? And that just shows you the. It's exactly as you say. Just show the people what they want to see. And there you go, that's how they're going to treat you. Brilliant. So, Elspeth, what were your three takeaways? We did promise people some tips from today. So what were your three takeaways from the show? So it's their version of you isn't better than the actual you. And then don't take feedback from someone who you won't go to for advice. And the third one is pushback. Push back. And we can push back elegantly. We can push back with dignity. We don't need to become some awful person in order to push back. We can just do it. And often, you know, the pushback can be something like staying in the room like you did with the school play. Or the pushback can just be like, no, you don't get to be around me. Just stopping, answering the phone to people, walking away from them, but always, you know, saying it first, as Mr. Marino was saying to us, you know, just come from that place of truth and saying, this is what my reality is and asserting your own reality. Because we have a situation in the world today where we've got some people who are really over asserting their version of it and trying to tell everybody else that they should be happy with situations that really nobody should be happy with. So let's do that. Let's just always be, as Gandhi said, be the change we want to see in the world. And the way that we can do that is by deciding first of all, well, who are you? And realizing that that's not set and saying to yourself, who would I like to be and what is that already in me that I know that I can be this bigger, better person? And then going out there and letting the world know that, hey, it's on. All right, everyone, you've got this. See you next week. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education, and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website, womensradiostation.com for more information. Hi everyone and welcome to the Femaling Show. I am your host, Nicole Goodman, and I am a women's identity expert and coach. 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