Hello, this is Eva May and I'm speaking to you from the women's radio station for another in my series called Healing Image. Hi. This week I wanted to talk about just my week, really, and some of the things that have happened over the week which I wish weren't this way, but unfortunately they are. Being somebody who's a survivor of historic childhood abuse, I have a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder and complex ptsd, which actually impacts on my life pretty much daily. I'm also 56 years old and I'm going through the menopause, which isn't really helping, although I do acknowledge it's a completely second thing. It's a completely normal thing for somebody of my age and I mustn't confuse the two. So. So I need to look after myself while I'm going through this and not to be too hard on myself, although it's pretty difficult for my family because they're now living with somebody who's going through the process of, well, trying to heal unhealed trauma, which runs pretty deep. And it is a process. It's something I often forget and get very frustrated about because I can have really, really good days and then have some pretty dreadful ones. And then I'm also going through the menopause, which is. There's a lot about it in the UK in the press at the moment, because there's not a lot of medical support out there at the moment. I think since COVID it seems to have been a. That's even become really more highlighted that people, women are suffering through with this on their own. And it's not because you're not ill ill. You don't necessarily reach out for medical support from a family doctor because they are all extremely busy. There's also a lack of certain HRT drugs and often HRT isn't always the answer. So for me, I'm trying to sweat it out literally and get through this. However it's going to be for me. I'm suffering from extreme tiredness and also sort of terrible night sweats, which don't just last for the night, they last for the whole day. I have in the past been to my family doctor for some help with this. And at that time there was a shortage of the HRT drugs that were available and there was only one that I could be prescribed at the time due to the shortage. The one I was given was a gel that you rub into your arms. And I was really quite like, okay, and quite happy that I was going to have this and have Some help and you rub it into your arms and it sort of evaporates almost instantly, although it actually goes in through your skin. And literally over a few days I just put on so, so much weight that it caused me sort of yet another problem. I spoke to my family doctor about this. They said it was a side effect and that the weight that I'd put on was going to be pretty difficult to shift. So I've had a go at shifting that through exercise and diet. I drink an awful lot of water and I don't drink alcohol and I've been trying to manage it myself, but today has been particularly difficult. I actually didn't think I was going to be able to get a broadcast out at all. But I hope this one can be of some help to people because I want to speak quite openly and honestly about just trying to live a normal life with things that I've been invited to or am a part of with the family. But actually doing all these things has been in one way really good because they're achievements and they're things that I've got some enjoyment out of, but. But also they've completely knocked me out. And the understanding within, well, certainly within my family, I'm finding it's not there. They're just seeing someone who they've been living with. Well, the ripple effect that happened to me through being abused and all the impact that had on their life with. Which has been pretty profound and something that I would do anything to be able to undo. A lot of my treatment in residential centres, particularly one lengthy stay that I had when I was in America for 70 days in a small, what they call it, a rehab facility for me. I went there for trauma. It occurred during a time when all of my three children were taking very important public exams and I had no means of contacting them. You're not allowed to have your phone with you in these facilities and so I didn't take it. That was what was told of me. However, being a patient from the uk, I actually could have taken my phone and it would have been the only way that. With agreed numbers. So they would have been pre agreed what the numbers were, who they were for and who I was going to be speaking to. Then the facility would have had Ginny been with me while I'd been making those calls. So obviously not the whole facility, but a member of staff so that you can't just call who you want. Well, that didn't happen. My phone was left in the uk. I don't know if you've Ever tried to send a telephone, a mobile phone, from the UK to the us, but it's extremely complicated and it's something that, well, we didn't manage to do, not for a long, long time, probably for about six weeks. So by that time I was feeling completely cut off. I was extremely worried about my family, particularly my kids who were going through these exams, who, you know, I was going to decide the next steps in their educational career. And being away from them too, during this time was also extremely difficult. So we kind of got through that and I am extremely grateful that my kids have all managed to get to the places of work, the further institutions for education, like university, getting on to do their exams when they're 18 and get the choices that they wanted. And now as young adults, they're able to pursue the areas of work that they've chosen to go into. So, I mean, hats off to them because they did not have me around at that crucial time. And I feel very bad about it, although I do understand there wasn't much I could actually do. And they know that too at some level. And I hope that living with me and the things that I have and the impact that the abuse has had on me will help them in some way as well, to be people who are understanding. Yeah, I really don't want this to overshadow their lives and what they do. So we've had a particularly busy time in the family because of COVID So many people's sort of weddings and other celebrations had to be postponed and we've had a run of. We've had three weddings within the last month and also one other celebration with a family for several birthdays. So they had a party where they wanted to invite all their friends. So in the past month, as I said, we've been to all these things. Now I'm somebody who finds doing normal things quite difficult. So having to go and be a guest at weddings has been hard, which in a ways, in ways that I didn't think it would be. So we went to one on some last weekend, so it was on a Saturday and we'd actually been to something else the Friday, so it got in very, very late. Had to get up early on Saturday and travel for three hours to get to this wedding on time, which we were going to. And, you know, I was. I. I'm really excited. I have all the normal emotions of somebody who's in that position of wanting to go. It was one of my best friends from someone that I met when I was 10. So for most people probably listening. That's more than a lifetime. So it's somebody that I've known for 47 years and obviously been a part of their children's life. So going to watch a wedding where one of their children is getting married, having had to cancel their weddings for two weeks or something that, well, not for two weeks, for two years was actually, you know, going to be a really, really great day. And it was, it was lovely. I was, I don't know, not always confident enough about what I'm wearing. I didn't wear the dress that I had planned to. I didn't feel comfortable or writing it, so I managed to wear something else and sort of thought that would be okay. So we went to this wedding and it was absolutely perfect. It was such good fun. And it was in. Well, it had all the people there who used to know. So they were people from where I used to live, which is the town where the things that happened to me as a child occurred. And for those reasons I'm not actually able to go and ever visit that town. I have once since the police investigation into my abuse and I dissociated while I was there. And the outcome for me on that wasn't very good. When I dissociate, my. My mind goes and I actually don't have control of what is happening to me. And I did end up with a severe sort of episode of self harm which meant that I needed emergency surgery. And I actually ended up with a colostomy bag for six months. And I don't remember anything about what happened. So I can't go to that town. We all know that. My friends know that. And the wedding, it was three hours away from that town. It was in a place that's a very special place to the people that were getting married where they spent a lot of time. So I thought we'd probably be okay. Well, I wasn't because even though we'd moved the location, all the people who were going to be there on the friend like it was her daughter. So on the bride's side were going to be people who were from the days of when I was abused. And as a person, like now as I am, I absolutely loved it. Seeing people that I've not seen for years, seeing some of my oldest and closest friends all together who I, who I do still see regularly, although obviously in a different location or town. And we've all moved away as well, so it's been easier to see them away. But for some reason having so, so many people, probably all the people That I know being in that one location from the time when I was abused, it actually triggered me extremely badly. And I had a very bad dissociative episode on the way to the venue, which it meant we had to stop the car. It could have got quite dangerous. And it's extremely difficult for my family to understand this. And so that's the reason why I want to talk about it. Because it's also extremely difficult for me because I'm caught up in something that I've got no control about, which is something so strong and causes so much pain in my body, physically and mentally, that I dissociate. So because I can't run away physically, I can't fight physically, so I can't flight. I freeze for a bit. And then after that, because it's getting too much there, then I dissociate. So my mind goes away from what is actually happening. And that's at the point when I then don't know what is going on. And it's really frightening for other people to see, which is what happened. But we managed to get there and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing everybody. The wedding was absolutely beautiful. And the people that I was talking to, who I've not seen for so long, are so lovely, finding out about their lives now and the things we used to do when we were a lot younger. But it came to a point where. Sorry, I'm just having a drink where I had to. We had to leave. We couldn't stay for the whole event. And I think I need to acknowledge the bits that I did do and not focus so much on the bits that I couldn't do. I'm sure for most guests who go to weddings, They're a long time. You know, you're talking about being somewhere for at least 12 hours, which is a long time. There is quite a lot of hanging around, usually while the photographer is trying to get everything done that they need. And that was fine, actually, I don't think that was the problem. I think the problem was talking to people who I had known from my life when I was being abused. And even though they're so much older now and doing completely different things, I still got put back to that place. And rather than being able to stay right to the very end, my husband and I, we had to leave. And it's just very sad how this all impacts on your life. I got too overwhelmed. There are also some people from that time in my life who have died. One of them, who's particularly somebody that I was extremely fond of, died only Last year and because of COVID I wasn't able to go to the funeral. Plus it would have been in the town where I can't go. So there was a lot of stuff going on and I thought I would be able to manage it, but I couldn't. And we came away and we came home, which I think that's how it's got to be. We just play it by ear and hope things get better. We'd also been to another wedding the previous weekend. That one, I think I managed that one quite well. They're not people that I knew when I was abused. And also it was. We were there for a much shorter time. It started a lot later, so we managed to do that. This weekend we've been to another party, a celebration. It's actually a family that we know who are India from India. And I've never been to a party like it. And it was absolutely fantastic. I absolutely, so enjoyed myself. The beautiful outfits and the dancing and the way that you are just so, so welcomed into their celebration. And the other thing that I absolutely loved about it was after each course of the meal we all got up and everybody danced and then sat down for the next part. And I found that that was. It was such a nice thing to do. So the dancing became a really big part of. Of the event and it meant that you could get up and mix with people rather than being sort of sat at a table where often conversation is limited to just the person that you're next to. So that was absolutely. It was lovely. I loved it totally. And the hospitality that we received and the absolute genuine sort of how grateful they were and how delighted they were that we'd gone is something that I've not actually experienced before. And so that was great. And I actually had a totally awesome time. That was last night and today I. I managed to get out this morning to take with my dog and to meet my friends. And that has been it. That's all I've managed to do then. I have literally just slept all day. And this going through the menopause is something that I almost feel. Why now? Like, why. Why now? Some of my friends have just gone through this. Fine. Some of them are on HRT and they are skipping about like it's the best time of their life. And for me, I've been hit really, really hard with this and it's not a nice feeling at all. And my family, I've spoken about it before, this thing called compassion fatigue. Well, they live with me with all my sort of difficulties. And my unpredictableness and things that happen that are totally irrational, that do happen because of DID and complex ptsd. And now they've got this person that's sweating away like, who wouldn't believe, can't remember very much at all, can't do much at all physically or mentally and just needs to sleep. I mean, this is now, it's what, quite late at night. It's, it's nearly 10 o' clock at night. So I've just woken up at 10 o' clock at night to do this. I need to get another drink. And I don't think, I think tomorrow I'm going to have to rescale back on what I do and pace it and try and get some sort of routine and achieve something that's positive because feeling like this and feeling a complete failure is something that's not good for me and my family. They do need to see that I'm able to do things. But today I have not been able to do a thing. We have had four weekends of celebrations, whether it's weddings or parties and they've. That's really taken its toll on me too. So whether or not it would have been like this if I'd just done those events and maybe it would be like this, but I think it, it is the menopause. There's quite a lot of stuff in the press at the moment about it and there's a few well known people in the UK who are really trying to bring what it is and what it means out in the open for conversation. As I said, I talk quite openly with my friends about it and I'm the only one that is struggling really in this way. It's just the way it is. There's nobody's fault, it's the way it is and I'm going to have to manage just to get through it. And if it means that I spend a few days where I'm totally wiped out or I'm not getting proper sleep, then I need to catch that up. But it's a subject that everybody seemed to be fairly okay on it. I don't know if it's because of COVID and now the drugs aren't available and access to family doctors has been restricted. It's really quite hard to get through. But not everybody manages and does well on HRT and I am one of those people. It's not only putting on the weight, I nearly put on about two stone, which was a lot, and it went on very, very quickly. It's not linked to what I was Eating it is purely linked to this gel that I was rubbing on my arms. And I've not been able to find anyone from my circle of friends who's had anything but good results. So that's why I wanted to talk about this a bit today, was because for some people, please sort of try and remember and if they do say something about it, that it's not easy and that it is impacting on their life, then it really is, they're not making this up. It's a long old thing and I hope that I can get through this quickly and focus on the other things in my life that need processing. So that's where we're at with that one. The other thing that's happened, in fact today I got told about it is that in America did and complex PTSD are recognized and they have specially trained specialists for this who are trained using the standards that are set to make sure that they are able to help people with complex PTSD and dissociative Identity disorder. In the UK we don't have that I'd like to say yet, but I don't know if yet is going to happen. I don't know if we are going to get it. There are countries in the EU like Germany and the Netherlands, they do. The person that I see in the UK through the Clinic for Dissociative Studies is trained in this trauma related field to the level of specialist, but their training is not from the uk, it's based on the European standards which have been set. Now really the only explanation for this is funding that has not been the funding that's been put in that way and is available for use. And I don't understand why not? Because it means that we in the UK have got not only a mental health crisis going on at the moment, where some people now are on a waiting list to be seen for mental health issues and their wait time is predicted to be between two and four years. And after that they will get sessions for like maybe six sessions with somebody. It's not even guaranteed that that person is going to be able to help them because six sessions isn't something that is going to be able to put something right. Might not even be enough time to diagnose what's going on and what else is needed. When I turned up in the mental health service over 30 odd years ago, I was presenting with symptoms like low weight, low mood anxiety, just extremely so, clinically depressed. But there was something behind that and I didn't turn up on my first session and say, hello, I'VE got Dissociative Identity Disorder and complex PTSD that has literally taken 30 years to be actually diagnosed and then dealt with. And I don't think that I would ever have been able to talk about it unless I've got my therapist, which I have now, who's trained. I actually think it would have been pretty dangerous for me to talk about it in other ways to people who, through no fault of their own, have not received the training for this level of trauma because it is specialized. So to give you some idea of the scale of it, we know that abuse goes on. We know that there are an awful lot of survivors. We've had the Truth Project uk, where survivors were invited to, to go in and take part in the project. I was one of them and there were over 4,000 who went in. And for some of those people going to that project was the first time they have ever disclosed. So they've not had any help. I don't know what provision would have happened following that for them. The Truth Project did give support afterwards as part of their safeguarding policy. And I think I got about four sessions on the telephone because it's really not something when you're there for about four hours and you're talking about. I mean, people do call it the unspeakable when you're talking about that, even though you call it the unspeakable. For me, it's not the unspeakable because it is my life. I don't realize that it is unspeakable. But the findings from the Truth Project were that of all the people who took part, the average time for disclosure, so from when abuse happened to actually saying those words was 19 years. And that really shocked me. And then when I actually thought about it myself and did some time calculations, that's exactly the category that I was in, so 19 years, so. So we know that there are people who have got complex PTSD and did, yet we still don't have, or nobody talks about what we're going to do about it and how we're going to train people. The people that I've seen in my life for therapy or community support, a lot of them have been extremely young, probably the age of my kids, and I've tried to trust them, I've tried to be receptive. And the last time that I was with our National Health Service, I was seeing somebody who came to the house as part of the community support. I trusted it, I trusted them, thought it would be helpful, thought it would be the sort of support that I might need. And I tried to benefit from it and this person made notes and then would actually accompany me to appointments I had with my consultant psychiatrist. So this was going on quite regularly over quite a significant period of time. And then completely out of the blue, I get a text from her discharging me. I literally got dumped by text. And I was. I still am just very. I can't understand it. There's more understanding for this, especially as the mental health service, they're meant to work as a team. So you have your psychiatrist, you have your community support, and then there's other members of the team who I've never met but are meant to be involved in my care. And nobody knew that this person had dumped me by text. I still have it on my phone and, yeah, it is quite shocking. Not even a phone call, not even a meeting with my psychiatrist and this person to discuss that she's going to stop seeing me. I got a text and it. I'm really struggling right now to know what to say about it because it's. It's like the person that I thought I could rely on and use during my week, during my life as support and know in my mind that they were going to come back and that, you know, we could keep this conversation going and then for it just to be gone for. I still don't know the reason. It's like someone giving up on you or dismissing you. Yeah. But then it did have its good side because from that there has to be an investigation that you can't do that to a vulnerable person and it'll be okay. So from that there was an investigation into the team who were meant to be looking after me under our National Health Service. So that's the. The free medical care that the UK have. And that was even more shocking because the report that came back, I skimmed it. I can't really take a lot of things in like that if they're. In case they're too harmful and they become too triggering. So my family doctor, she went through it with me and basically they'd found that not only the person who dumped me by text had done quite a few wrong things. So had. The reason that you have a team is to make sure that things are done correctly. Well, basically, things hadn't been done correctly for me at all. And it stemmed from the top, from my consultant psychiatrist. So he hadn't done. He said that he'd done things that he hadn't. And it also falsified some forms. And. Yeah, so I don't really think I Want to go into that too much. So I lost overnight, I lost my whole team. I lost absolutely everybody. And I felt extremely unmanageable. Think I've said it before, but feeling unmanageable is one of the. It's one of the most terrifying feelings that there's no one, no one at all that's going to help you. I mean, previously to all this, I'd had 10 years of care that we self funded privately. It's really expensive, it's a very big commitment. And therapists are people that you should be seeing who you pass through. That's how I feel about it. Not people that you depend on. And there was one in particular who I was seeing twice a week and probably saw this person for about three years and I wasn't getting any better. We never actually did anything. We made cups of tea and I don't know, we never ever really got to do any work. It was always, oh yeah, we're working towards this, working towards that. And I hung on and hung on for dear life just hoping that we would actually get to do some work and we didn't. And somebody who I truly, truly believed in betrayed my trust. So if you ever get into a situation where you're hearing one thing that you want to hear, but actually what's going on is completely different and you're not getting anywhere, there isn't a treatment plan and you're not making progress and you can actually feel that in your gut, then trust your gut and leave. Because even if, like this person that I'm talking about, who I don't think I will ever forgive for the trouble that they caused me and my family, Not only was it extremely bad and it felt like a waste of three years, I'm now looking at it as I've learned, I've learnt a lot. I've learned the hard way, I've learned a lot that not everybody is good who says they are, even though they're doing a job and they might have some really fancy room in some fancy street, but that isn't what you're going for. And what you're going for is to do some work, get yourself bit better and then try and move on as a process. And that was not going to happen. In fact, I was told that without this person that I would be locked in a secure unit. I couldn't even tell my family that I was so terrified that I was literally going to lose my life and be locked up when I've never done anything wrong in my life at all. So I hung on to seeing this person completely isolated because I couldn't tell my family what was going on until it got so, so bad that I did have to leave. And it's not true, it's absolutely not true that you can't go and see somebody else. I did, I got referred to someone else privately again and we worked for, I think it was just under two years. So I would be going once a week. It is a commitment. There is travel cost and time involved too. And this was a person who was boundaried. This was a person who I knew exactly what sort of work we were going to do and what we were working towards. And we did some really good work and then we finished. But I still needed something. That's why I went back to our National Health Service and then I got the community support and the consultant psychiatrist which then went very, very wrong. Well, if it hadn't gone wrong, I probably would still be trundling along with that and being with people who are not trained in very deep rooted trauma. So I did get referred and funded to the Clinic for Dissociative Studies in London. Now, although it says it's in London, they do help other people over the country. They have therapists who are trained, who do work around the country. So I'm one of about 50 people who is being seen by a specialist center. So the difference is, I don't. You can't compare, you cannot compare. And every single time there's a charity or new things come up. The latest one that sort of got me a bit angry really is that there are, you know, part of our. A member of our Royal family, a Duchess of Cambridge or sort of Kate, as people seem to refer to her as, has started some sort of royal. I don't know, but it's got the word royal in it foundation into saying that to beat, to stop, to stop self harm, addiction and suicide, then it's going to have to be a project that focuses on your young children where they're taught to handle their emotions. And that's just an extremely simplified, and it is, it can't be anything than that, the simplified version of what the process is, because that is not the process. It, it's also pretty insulting to all the millions of professionals of which I've been one of. I was a teacher for over 20 years and my special field was early years. So children between the ages of 3 and 5 and as a teacher you have different groups of learning and in that age group the personal, social and their health and emotional area is the one that is the most prominent. It's the one where you watch, where you do teach children to manage their emotions. That is the most important thing and for them to be able to go forward. So I find the whole thing, it's just another thing that's popped up that I don't know, goodness know how she's going to have the time to organize it when there are other projects that have already been going on. And what we really need is places that can look after people with addiction or who self harm or who attempt suicide at those times in their life and intervene in the correct way. I think that is the more the way to go forward. It just seems it's just another thing. I mean like the Duchess of Cambridge with her husband Prince William. And then there was the Sussexes. So Harry and Meghan, they launched this mental health, I don't know, what do you call it, organization called Heads Together where they all were together. Now it's Heads Apart. And when I saw that I thought this could absolutely be really incredible, really amazing. But it's not. It's a family that have fallen out and I don't know what's happened to Heads Together. I don't know what's happened to the money from Heads Together. I've written to Heads Together, they promised to reply back to me and that's over three years ago. It's got nothing to do with COVID and they never did. I also wrote to mind I wanted to help and they also got back to me and said that they would contact me within two weeks. Well, that's even longer. It's like three and a half years. So I just feel that it's so fragmented with all these different organizations. There's, you know, young minds, there's. There's so many that are all trying to do good work. But unless we've got specialists that are trained to help people with proper deep trauma, then I don't see how we're going to really get anywhere. So I'm really sorry, but I'm not actually feeling well at all. It is a real shame because I enjoy doing the radio broadcast and I really wanted to do this today. And I've actually only got a few minutes left. I mean last week if you listen to my broadcast and also if you did miss it, it's still available through the women's radio station website for you to go in and under my presenter's name of Eva May, you can actually listen to all my previous broadcasts and catch up. There might be something that you've missed that. You. You might like to listen to. I was talking to Judge Rosemary Aquilina about this and she was saying how she feels it's wrong that we're going to end up. If you teach children how to deal with their emotions by themselves, then they're just going to end up quiet and silenced. So I think I do agree with her. She's a lady with an awful lot of experience, not only as a judge, and she's had many thousands of cases and some dreadful cases. The Larry Nassar case that she's. Which probably put her on the global stage, is one of thousands that she has seen with abuse. And she's also seen how abuse, it can split families. I'm not going through a particularly great time with some members of my family at the moment. I think the menopause is also partly to blame. I'm very irritable. I can't be bothered to answer every single thing I'm asked because I'm so tired and I don't feel right. But the ripple effect of this has changed the dynamics and the relationships that I have in my family, particularly with my parents. And I also have a sibling. And at the moment, I wouldn't say those relationships are terribly good. Chuck, in the menopause, you've got another problem as well, which. Yeah, and to be honest, I don't. I really, really don't know what I'm going to do about these problems because they are problems. They're big problems. And when they're not on the same page, they don't understand. They understand bits, they remember bits. My younger sibling even remembers bits. And I don't know if that's really impacted on me because it would have been so good if they had said that they didn't remember the things that I'd already told my therapist that maybe I got it wrong and maybe it hadn't all happened and I could have forgotten about that. But that's not the case. So I've now got. My sibling is needing some help and that's really hard because, you know, what happened to me was what happened to me. And that's bad enough. The damage should stay there. But now to find out that they actually need some help to. Is pretty devastating and I'm very, very sorry for it. And I hope that they. Well, they have actually been recommended someone through the person that I see. So I know that they are going to be working with someone who is used to working with complex trauma. So that is. That's good and I sincerely hope it works. And they managed to work through things together. I'm just having a look at the time. I think it's really dark in here. I haven't got a light on. I think I've only got a couple of minutes left. My therapist is somebody that I would really like to have as a guest on my radio station, but I can't. It's not allowed. It's not ethical. And as I'm going to be seeing this person for six years, then it's just not going to happen. Which is such a shame because if you listened to her, if you had the opportunity to hear her, the way that she responds to me and the way that she explains things to me, I really think that we get a lot out on a radio show. But when I finish, when I finish my therapy, and I will finish it and come hell or high water, then I will be able to have my therapist on as a guest. And I think that would be extremely interesting. In the meantime, she and I had applied for a client psychotherapist partnership where we go as a couple, as a pair, to a dissociative identity. It's called Top dd, where it's done by an organization in America. And we do this and we do some learning, we get some homework, we watch some videos that are about how to live with did. But you can't do it on your own. I can't. I have to have a therapist. We meet the criteria because of the amount of time that we're going to be working together. And I just got the email today that we are starting hours in October. Now, it seems quite a way off, but I think it's going to come around quite quickly. And I think that this is incredible that we're able to go on this from the UK when it's something that is from the United States. And they actually have helped people from all over the world.