Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. And welcome to Women's radio station supporting women's well being. This is Judy Mae Murphy and today we're going to be talking about a theme that just keeps coming up in all of the notes that you send me, all the things you're saying online. It's about that you feel just stuck after a disappointment that perhaps you were in an amazing relationship and that relationship finished for whatever reason. If you're young, it might have finished just because the other person was not ready to be in a committed relationship. Or maybe you weren't ready to be in a committed relationship. If you are a little bit older, it could be that you had a marriage for years and then that finished. If it's business, it could be that you successfully built and sold a business and then you tried another business and it didn't work out in the same way as the other business worked out. So whatever it is that's going on for you, that's what we're going to be looking at over the next hour. What are the actual practical baby steps that you can take? The mindset, the activity, navigating it, reimagining yourself, rebuilding your identity, Just doing all that from the ground up. Because once we get a few wins under our belt, then it's easier. Then we've got the momentum, we've got the enthusiasm, we can take a few knocks. But when we feel like we're just building on nothing, or sometimes we feel like we're in a hole and we're trying to build up from that, it can be a little bit disconcerting. It can feel a little bit to us like, why am I even doing this? What is it that I can make happen here? Am I just working day and night in order to get by? That doesn't sound like a fun life. Nobody wants that. We really want to thrive, not just survive. Is it perhaps that you are thinking that, you know, it might or might not happen? Nobody likes showing up for a maybe if someone asks you out for dinner and there's like a 50% chance that they'll show up and it's raining, you might not even leave the house. So we're going to make sure that you know that life is very quickly, very surely and with knockbacks and disappointments along the way gonna get a lot, lot better. And I have an absolutely wonderful expert here with me in studio, someone who is a friend of the show. Many of you will have heard her before. Maria Kompinska, who has done amazing things, built wonderful companies and continues to do so, as well as having a PhD in psychology, you know, a Renaissance woman. If anyone deserves that label, it is Maria. Maria, welcome to the show. Julie May, thank you so much. What a lovely intro. Well, what is it that you can add to our story? Our idea about having done something and then having to start again in your own life. What was your experience of that? Let me take you to the minute that my life sort of, in my working life sort of fell apart. And I was called into a boardroom by one business partner who had taken over. I had just a couple of years before that, divorced my husband, who was also a business partner, who came into the business because I married him and gave him half the company. But we successfully built the business together. I'm good at working with people. Perhaps it was a mistake and everybody's individual. And the two men sat opposite me in the room and said, that's it, it's over. You're going now. This was a company that I had built up from scratch. I had £300 overdraft, a bicycle as collateral. I lived in a bedsit and built it up from 300 pounds to a value of 30 million. And we were still working. Everything was up and down. It was, you know, sort of 2013 now. There was a lot going on in the industry. Many things were changing, and for me to walk in and they say, that's it, we don't need you anymore. Number one, I was just stunned at the carelessness. It was that paper bag moment. Don't need you, not even a bag for life. Do you know what I mean? You go, well, not even the gold watch? Yeah, no gold watch, nothing. It was like the throwaway. And what did that do for your identity? Initially, I think it's the shock that somebody has the power to do that. And even when I went to various lawyers to look at the ins and outs of all this, it took me too long to get to a point where I could have done something. But even then, in the game of business, especially corporate business, there's a game. And if you don't know the rules, which often as a woman, when you go into it for the first time, you don't know the rules. And especially if it's not a corporate business, this is entrepreneurial, where there's more guerrilla tactics that occur in the entrepreneurial section. So you don't know what to do. You don't have the Rules. I still had two children, they were a little bit older, but they were still going to university. And my initial thing was what the hell am I going to do? Not so much what am I going to do with my future? How am I going to make sure that they're okay? So it's, what is your core safety net, your survival skills? Where am I going with this? How am I going to make sure that every single day I can get enough money to look after my children, look after my home? So just making sure that you get that baseline of safety first. Don't try and do anything too fancy is what I'm hearing you say. Yeah, unless somebody offers you something that you can walk straight into. A job. My work in the entertainment business was to do with comedy, putting on shows. What they had successfully done for a large number for the following three years was bad mouthed me around the circuit to say that it was my fault the company wasn't doing well. Which subsequently to 2016, everybody found out that wasn't true. But for that moment people believe that that's the nature of business and I didn't know that. So you're blind. And I was going around trying to get more work and it just wasn't happening. And gradually the whole feeling of survival, the safety net was going and it was quicksand as opposed to firm ground. So what do you do? How do you actually survive at that moment? And everything was being taken away because of my divorce and everything like that. So the first thing I thought, right, what have I done in the past? Who am I? And it's something that I do as a psychotherapist for people. What's your personal genius? What have you done before? What are your patterns? What are your skills? What can you turn to when you need to? And the. I think what we all turn to is our childhood in a funny way, but also what our parents skills, coping skills were. So if our parents, as we would have seen, had coping skills, it was a bit easier if they. So can you give us an example of what that kind of coping skill might be? Okay, so for me, because my parents, although we had absolutely nothing, I was brought up with parents who were totally poor because they were prisoners of war. They came over and they lost everything. They lost their families, six of us in one bedroom and so on. But what they did do, both my parents worked. My father did two jobs because he sent money back to Poland to his brothers that were murdered by the Germans and he sent it to their widows. My mother worked. Now my mother was a mathematician in Poland. My father was a barrister training to be a barrister. He ended up working in a factory and my mother ended up getting cleaning toilets and doing whatever she could. And in the end, we all made Christmas crackers. So you had a really great grounding in do whatever it takes in that moment. And presumably as well, this idea of it doesn't mean that this is forever, because a lot of people, when they have to go and get a bar job for a while, or they have to, you know, go back into paid employment for a while, they have a feeling of, I've failed, it didn't work. Everyone's looking at me. But it sounds as if you know that that's just a place that you build from. Well, does everybody look at you? Yes, to some extent they do. And it's almost. You've got to get to that root of humility. You go back to being humble. And my big psychological turning point was when I said to myself, what if this is good for me? What if this has happened? Oh, I love that. For my journey on purpose. So imagine that somebody. And my parents were Catholics. I'm not totally a Catholic, but I believe in the power, an external power, God. What if God had better plans for me? If so, this had to happen. And why? What was I due to learn that I didn't learn in the past? It's not saying that I was lazy in the past, it's not saying that I should have learned something different. But sometimes you move on to a point where your life, for you to move on, you need to learn new things. And I know they say old dogs can't learn new tricks, which is nonsense. Our neuroplasticity tells you that we can keep learning and learning and learning if you want to. Absolutely. And a really great book for that. If anyone is looking for a starter book on neuroplasticity is the Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge. Absolutely fantastic for just getting that message of, you're not a done deal, you can grow. Another great book is Mindset by Carol S Dweck. Same idea that, you know, it's not that you are now, you know, destined to follow the other path, as you say, this can be seen as an opportunity for you to get new skill sets on board, new ways of just looking at life, new ways of feeling as well. Because how many times have we, you know, you and I meet a lot of very successful women and so. So often it's the case that they might be successful on paper, as in, they're not like loving their days. They're not in love with people, they're not in love with life. They're really just, you know, racking up the numbers in the bank account. And whereas we know that that is an important part of it, we also know that it is just a part of it. So I love what you're saying here about, you know, looking at it as an opportunity, looking at it as something that's necessary for that bigger picture dream. And it's our personal development because we develop on different levels. And as human beings, we not only have our relationships, male, female partnerships, but also, in my opinion, my spiritual, my soul. And I'm a Jungian, mostly a Jungian psychotherapist, although I've trained in the Freudian Kleinians school. But as somebody who believes in the soul, I believe that we're here to learn something else. So how do you learn that if you don't go through trials and tribulations, you've got to go through struggles and the struggle is your own and your personal struggle, nobody can do it for you. People can support you, but nobody can take it from you. So when you recognize that and then say, right, I've got to learn this, I. And it's tough, you know, I had to learn. I knew then I had to learn, number one, not to give everything away because I shared far too much. I was far too generous and I'll explain that shortly. And the second thing was that I had to learn more about money and finance and controlling that side of my life. Fantastic. Great. Well, we're going to have loads more about this right after the break. And as they say, you meet God on the way up, but you really get to know him on the way down. So it might be time for you just really to connect with that higher power more after this. Welcome to Women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's wellbeing and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Falguni Desai of Action Coach. Are you a business owner with more than five employees? Do you want to grow your business? I'm a London based business coach who helps small and medium sized businesses to grow and make a profit. 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For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Foreign. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. And welcome back. This is Judy Mae Murphy, speaker speaking to Maria Kampinska, amazing businesswoman and also just all around good egg I think is probably a good way to describe you just in terms of just I love the way that you think so holistically about life that you're not just single tracking that you are making sure that you really are that fully rounded person that we're all aspiring to be. You were talking before the ad break about how while you were sitting in that disappointment and just getting yourself to a place of, well, let me, first of all just make sure that me and my family that were. That we're good, that we're safe. What then was the next step? Did you sort of. Is it necessary, do you think, to go through rage and grieving or can you actually just bypass that and just get on with things? I'm sure there are some people that can. I know I've never managed it. No, I mean, you know, and equally, as a psychotherapist, I wouldn't stop people from feeling rage because that's indignation. And when you bring up a child and you are annoyed with a child, they know the difference between mummy or daddy are angry with me because they don't like me, or mommy and daddy are angry because I've overstepped the mark. And I think our rage is indignation. And I felt that because I thought, how could you possibly do this? A, you don't know how to run the company, which clearly they didn't because three years later it went into bankruptcy. And secondly, it's the rage at being treated so appallingly. And then later on I found out lots of. There was a lot of backstabbing going on. It's kind of a self protective. Yeah, but it's also feeling of just, you know, back off, you're not good for me. Yeah, on a very fundamental level, I think. But also it tells you who you are. It's a natural experience. It's a natural feeling to feel angry at something. I think we shouldn't underestimate the value of feeling annoyed or angry. It's how we express it and it's also how we work out what our values are. What is it that's important to us when this is missing that makes me really angry. And then we know that that's the thing that's important to us. Whereas with a lot of stuff it can happen and we're like, oh, wish that hadn't happened. But it doesn't actually grab us at our core. No. Because if you are passionate about the work you do. So when I was setting up jongleurs, I did everything, I paid for everything, I put my time, my energy, my effort, everything was on my shoulders. But the way I structured it was both masculine and feminine. So I used the masculine paradigm, but with the nurturing of the feminine. So whereas there were other comedy clubs that would. If they didn't like somebody, they'd take the hook or the gong to take somebody off. I set up so that all the bookers would call the comedians if they'd had a bad day, a bad show. Why, what's going on? How are you feeling? So that we always said, okay, if this isn't working for you at the moment, because they equally want a good show, come back in three months time. So the whole premise was cushioned for them to develop. And that's the feminine. And I think that's where in business we need to go to add the feminine with the masculine. It's not just to go along with what's been before, but that's slightly a different subject. But let's go there. I think that's fascinating because very often the bigger money to really scale, to really get somewhere worldwide is very masculine money. It's very much like, show me the bottom line, prove to me that this is going to make money. Not caring about emotions. So do you believe that that way of building a business sort of locks in a certain level of a certain size? I think it has to, to some extent, you have to become abstract, you have to become strategic when you take a business to the large, higher, bigger, larger level. So when we move from one club and then if we spring forward to 16 clubs, which we had, you have to be able to stand back and what are you presenting. But what I always did, I went into the clubs to make sure the brand was good. I oversaw the comedians that were being booked, I oversaw what the audience response was. So I put those practicalities into action so it doesn't become algorithmic in somebody else's mind. So let's bear in mind, that's where it all starts from our computers that we go into when we create a system in a business that is large, it starts with the algorithm and whose algorithm is it anyway? And what do they think about? And very often you're told in big business, don't micromanage. Well, that's a crazy concept, micromanage. Of course you should, because you've got to know what everybody's going to see. Where does it come from? What's the premise? What's the philosophy behind it? How careless are they? And it's in that moment when you talk to the programmers that you can say, this is what I want, that's what I want. Steve Jobs did it with, you know, the iPhone. Of course he did, because he knew that it was his branding that made everything so beautiful and it ran so Smoothly and, you know, sort of subsequently, we'll see what happens from here on in. But I think in the big business, you need to be abstract, you need to be able to walk away, because you can't run a big business without that. But it's in the detail, the micromanaging of the detail that you can actually add the feminine, the caring. And I've been in businesses subsequently where, where the algorithm rules your life. There's no real care that goes behind it. For example, what time do you arrive and what time do you leave is so strict. And it forgets that people are people and they want to be valued apart from that. So you can't judge people's performance on an algorithmic state because relationships are just as important. And when a woman is just at those baby steps of rebuilding, I think that's a really important thing for her to remember that, you know, she doesn't have to suddenly be all tough, that in fact she can go to that more nurturing, more feminine, more flow, more creative space, more caring space, and that that is going to be part of the growth. Because we often think that, you know, suddenly when we've been disappointed, we suddenly think we've got to get really, really tough. And it's at a point where really tough ends up being really tough on ourselves. Well, it compromises our own personal values. And for me, and I think you have to know yourself. So I, in my work, I've created something called the personal genius, which is slight. It's adapting all the psychotherapeutic knowledge that I have, but it's also giving somebody a future, which is. But also, who are you? How I can't separate my business values from my personal values, although I extend it into the business world. So, yes, who am I if I am cold, calculating and careless in business? How do I change that when I come home to a partner or to my children, you know, who am I then when I cross that threshold? And I think that's the hardest part. So for me, I had to think, right, what do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to go? What's important for me? I, fortunately, was still doing my PhD, so I focused on that. I had in the past, you know, sort of bought houses, done them up, sold them. So I was focusing on that, although I only did a little bit of that subsequently. But it was also, what sort of future did I want for myself? What legacy did I want to leave? What the hell was everything about? Basically, it's almost like everything was thrown up in the air. And you had to look at everything and not to see that as it's all gone wrong. I am unsafe. Because very often a thing we talk about a lot on Judy May's Listening is the idea of feeling deeply unsafe as a woman in this world and how, you know, how is it that in that moment of everything being up in the air, how is it, do you think, that we can see it as just being up in the air, just being opportunities and not wrapping a meaning around it of unsafety? I think it's also. I think it's particularly difficult for women. And I don't care what anybody says about this. There isn't the support mechanism. And I don't mean that women aren't supportive to each other. I've got some wonderful friends, and I thank God for my friends every day because they have great sense of humor. But everybody has their own understanding of the world and they've had their own experience. So this sort of experience doesn't happen to everybody. So where is your safety net? What do you need to be truly safe and truly safe as a human being that you're not out, you know, sort of at sea on a boat, on your own and you can't navigate? Because I feel that women, as women, we're very often good at giving the emotional support and emotional safety, whereas guys will tend to just get right back in there with, well, here's a business opportunity. Here's something that I can kind of send you toward. Why not this? And even over the years, I've seen guys offering huge amounts of money to each other. They're not afraid to support in that way, knowing that it's going to come back. And I think I'm wondering if, as women, we can start to model that, if there's a way that we can say, okay, here's my business idea. Let me bring you in there. Rather than just the hugs, you know, just the, oh, but you're beautiful, we love you. You know that we can just become a lot more strategic and a lot more practical and frankly, a lot more financial in our support of each other. No, I totally agree, Judy May, because I think this is where we're coming unstuck. I think that women. That's exactly my experience with men when I went through very tough times and people were knocking at my door, threatening me with bankruptcy, threatening me that I owed the company thousands and 50,000. My kids were in the front room and the men that came to the door were threatening. They were bullies, and I had to turn to men. It was men that I knew that I'm very grateful for and happily call them my friends that said, no, this is how you deal with it, Maria, don't worry. Because I didn't have that sort of level of. The women in my life didn't have that level of experience. So the men sort of supported me. This isn't to say that men are bad. I love. Thankfully, I love men. Yeah, me too. And also I have some great male friends and because they've experienced this and they knew that it was a bit of a game, they said, don't worry, deal with it this way. Some people help me write letters, some people were legal, some people were just supportive. And some people said, let's do this as a business, but I still had to do it. So we need to bring out that much more constructive, practical business side and say, what can I do next? How can I be business orientated? And because I'm a doer in that respect, I was able to start doing things. Absolutely. And not just to sort of run away and close the doors and watch a million Hallmark movies. There's a time for that, but maybe not a million and maybe not quite that much. Ice cream. But we're going to talk more about this right after this break. Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalised service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078-254-4122 and Liz spelt L I S hazazelmeretravel.co.uk I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? 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This is where magic happens. We would love you to join our mailing list or become a sponsor or just buy a ticket to one of our shows. The website is www.jermynstreettheatre.co.uk. you're listening to women's radio station supporting women's well being. Coming soon will be a host of new shows supporting all areas of your well being, shows that you can get involved in. So stay tuned. Womensradiostation.com here for you. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. This is Judy Mae Murphy. Welcome back. And today we are speaking all about what happens when we have to rebuild. What are the baby steps, what is it that we can do to get ourselves to a place of safety and then get ourselves back on top and then get ourselves beyond that to living that more holistic, awesome life, the life that originally was on the dream board and better. And it is possible. And I always will say this to you, that no matter where you're at right now, you can do this in this lifetime. That everything that you've gone through up until now was experience. Even if you find you've been playing quite small until this moment, that can change as of today. And to not get frustrated about how long it's taking for certain results to kick in, that it is happening. And as long as you stay in the game, get some good coaching, get some good people around you and you do have to work really hard as well. That's the other thing. There are a lot of people who will talk a big game and they'll say that they are creating a business and then they'll be saying to you three months later, oh, yes, well, we're getting the website done and it's Kind of like, okay, are you getting it redone? And you find out it was never launched in the first place. It's kind of like, okay, it doesn't take three months to build a website. Unless you're starting with building your own computer in the kitchen. It really doesn't take that long. So what we want to do is we want to really encourage you, want to be that force for you. Just kind of letting you know that you're not on your own. This is good. You are doing this. You have everything that is necessary. You might not have certain skill sets or certain knowledge. Those can be got. And really the big skill set that you need is curiosity and the ability to just get out there and find out those little missing pieces for yourself. So we've been listening to our wonderful guest, Maria Kampinska, who has just a wealth of knowledge in so many different areas. And what I would love to know, Maria, is what is it that can happen in the first two weeks? You know, when you just sit to yourself, right, I can't think about the first two years. I know it's going to be a longer road, but all I can think about right now is this week and next week. What would you say are some key things that need to be put in place when you're rebuilding? I separate them into different areas. One is motivation. It's a bit like the army. Get up every day, set a time to get up. Let's be practical, make your bed. And it doesn't have to be five in the morning. I'm presuming it just has to be consistent. Yeah, just be consistent. And make sure you do get up, you know, Monday to Friday. So you keep the rhythm of the experience of being active and proactive in your life. Do everything as you did normally and then find anything to do that makes you feel valued and useful. So whatever it is, even if you do a part time job. A friend of mine who is a psychotherapist said that a young man came in, he and his wife, he had just. Him and his wife just had a new baby and he'd lost his amazing job in the city and he was devastated. And she said to him, just get a job in anywhere, Sainsbury's, anywhere as a shelf filler, which he did. He just took a job and from there he's worked his way right up to the top. I remember meeting a woman right after she had starred in a. A very big movie. It was the biggest movie and she had just finished a press tour. Like this is back in the 90s now. But I always just remember loving her work ethic and she had an agent and she was out there getting other jobs. She ended up doing quite well in show business and having a lovely family and living a lovely life. But at the time she was just. Everybody was talking about her. And then I went in to work out in my usual dance studio that I went to in Dublin and suddenly there she was at reception. And I said to her, everyone tells you you look like so. And so she goes, well, because I am. And I was like, what are you doing here? And this was in the way before the days of reality tv. So I wasn't looking around for any cameras. And she said, well, I just don't have a job right now. And I found out she had money, but just in her family they had that idea of, no, you get up in the morning and you go and you do a day's work and you serve and. And back then we wouldn't have thought of it in terms of mental health and in terms of self esteem. But in fact she managed to stay really strong, whereas a lot of the other actors, you know, started going out all night, drinking all night, kind of falling apart in front of our eyes. But she just kept herself together. So that, that's wonderful information to have a really great routine and have some way that, you know that you are contributing to the planet. And again, not thinking to yourself that this is, this is where you've ended up. It really isn't. It's just a sort of a stepping stone to. To somewhere, to somewhere else. So what else can we be doing in the first two weeks? Absolutely, you know, sort of finding that obviously don't fall into the trap of drinking too much or drugs. Anything that becomes addictive because anything that alters your mind. Yeah, because you are going to sit at home and, you know, I got to a point where I was afraid of the letters coming through my door because I didn't know who was going to send me what letter demanding what exactly. And that in a way, the fear of that was twofold. One, it sort of made me. This is me. This froze me up to a point. And that fear would really attack you. So it's what alcohol can do or a substance can do, can take you away from that fear. But what the fear enabled me to do was recognize what I needed to deal with. Why was I so afraid of all this stuff and what did I need to do and deal with immediately? What was absolutely imperative and for me, money and how to deal with Everything to do with money was a big thing. So here it was, it was coming in and I had to deal with all the bills. Everything that had to be dealt with that might throw me off kilter, basically make me feel fearful. Other people may not have that as a fear. It may be feeling alone, but a lot of women do. A lot of women have that visceral gut reaction, that freeze state or that freak out moment when anything financial isn't perfect and smooth. Well, also because in businesses, when in business and when you have investors, they create silos. So you have your financial director, your operations director. I was eventually put into the role of CEO and creative chairman or chairperson, you know, so as the business grows, that's what happens. So you're so distant from the financials and you rely on somebody else because that's what the business demands. And when you're doing well, you know, telephone bills and mobile bills and electricity don't count so much because you know you can pay them. It's when everything's suddenly cut off, everything comes in and it becomes threatening. So it's right. Let me deal with that. What do I need to do? Get your finances straight and allow the fear. Feel the fear, as they say, and do it anyway. And that sounds trite, but there's a wonderful book called the Gift of Fear which is separating what is really threatening and what is informing us. And you can only allow your body to do that, as you say, as long as you are not using addiction to distract and take you away from that, you've got to stay, sit in it for long enough. And a lot of the softer addictions, as they're called, which are equally addictions, like being addicted to watching hours of Netflix or hours of YouTube or, you know, being on Twitter and being, you know, forthright and having your opinion all over the place or something like, you know, online gambling, shopping, all these things serve to distract, but they also serve to keep us out of that gift, as you call it. That being able to sit in the fear in that state that has captivated you and just say, I'm actually safe. And allow your body to learn how to feel safe amongst this chaotic situation. It's also allowing yourself to be distracted. Distracted? Distracted, yes. If your fear overwhelms you too much and you've got nobody to distract you. So it's also relying on somebody else who can concussion you. But to say, right, I'm going to watch some television now because I'm going too far deeply into this or I'm going to, I Think the rule is compartmentalize everything, right? This is what I'm feeling at the moment. How far down am I going to go? What can I do about it, right? I'm going to watch some tv or I'm going to go out and see my friends because they make me feel good. When I go out with my friends, I'll drink, but I'm not going to drink at home because it's allowing, not allowing your boundaries to take over, to just to be dissolved around you. So suddenly you are drinking because, oh, my goodness, everything is taking over. Because sometimes, as they say, the dark night is before the dawn. And when you feel total fear, something comes from that, Something changes. And we're in a quantum world. Our minds are quantum. And the more I've gone through this, the more I realize how quantum my mind is. So for those who aren't familiar with the term quantum, how would you describe it? It's that we can affect our mind and our mind can affect our world. It's not that I can make somebody sort of exist outside that isn't going to exist, doesn't exist. But you can attract people to you. And I believe that if we can understand how our mind works, if we go to the depths of our despair, if you like, we can change everything about our substance. And our true force comes from such a deep place that you almost have to go there. It's like a deep well. And you pull it out and you say, right, this is the bottom line. And nobody can shift where I am, and this is who I am, and this is my atom that makes that reverberates in this world wonderful. And when you're in the middle of it, you can feel very alone and. And you can feel like it is endless. And you can feel like it's very, very personal, that somehow you are incapable. So we just want to say to you that that is not the case, that this is temporary. You are capable. I always try and remember the fact that there are people who have been in much, much worse places who have come back and done extraordinary things. But it's just so easy to feel like it's bigger than you. Nothing is bigger than you. Everything is sortable, just in tiny, tiny baby steps. So we're going to be talking more about the baby steps with Maria in a little while and just want to take this opportunity to thank you for sending in so many great, great comments about the show, about Judy Mayer's listening. It seems that you really love the fact that it is practical, the fact that it's not talking down to you, but it is really nurturing you and letting you know that, hey, you've got this, you know, you're not just heard, you're seen as well. You're not invisible in this world and no matter what is happening to you that, you know, we're all in this together and the way that we can support each other as we do here on WRS and as we do out in the, in the wider world. So we'll have more after this. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Falguni Desai of Action Coach. Are you a business owner with more than five employees? Do you want to grow your business? I'm a London based business coach who helps small and medium sized businesses to grow and make a profit. 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For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Hi, this is Judy Mae Murphy and you're listening to myself and Maria Kampenska here on WRS supporting women's well being. It is so, so vital that we remember that feelings are not facts. And just because we are feeling defeated, that does not mean that we are defeated. Just because we're feeling like we don't have the energy to rebuild, that does not mean that we do not have the energy to rebuild. Just because we're feeling that the whole world is moving too quickly and that we're getting left behind, that is not the case. And this is why we just love these different stories like about Grandma Moses who started painting in her 90s and and became the most famous painter in America. We hear about Colonel Sanders who started Kentucky Fried Chicken. Not that we advocate eating chicken vegan right here we've always got to tell people, right? But the thing is that, you know, he actually got his first retirement check and said I can't live off this and then started going around to thousands of places looking to raise money and it didn't work for ages. I remember the very I have seven books out in 28 different countries. So over the years I've been pretty, you know, pretty successful in the publishing world. I've got another one coming out in October, going on a world book tour in October. And the thing about it is that people don't realize that very few people just walk into that. I remember spending three years going and getting the boat and train over from Dublin to be in London in the 90s to try and get myself a book deal with my first book that was a novel. So often you just don't see Other people's early stages, you don't see their despair. And I remember getting really, really close. I almost had a deal with Hodder and Staughton that first time. And then at the very last minute, they decided not to go with it and just being devastated. And then it took me about a year to start seeing myself as a writer again and to start to see myself as someone who would have a novel published. And indeed, it was published a few years later. So I think that what we've got to do is we've got to reduce the recovery time that instead of spending five years being completely single after a breakup, we've got to get that down to five weeks. I'm always amazed when I see people who bounce back after having healed. We're not talking about sort of starting to run on broken legs here. After you have your consolidation, then you can start to strengthen, then you can start to move into it again. But very often the turnaround time can be a lot, lot faster than you might be imagining. And in order for that turnaround to happen, we've got to be able to feel motivated. But, wow, how does that happen? At the time when we feel most deflated, we need to be most motivated. So, Maria, what can we do? I think motivation is absolutely crucial when you are going through such a dark time. For me, I go back to childhood, teenage years. What drove you then? Teenage years are wonderful for everybody because it almost breaks down. We're no longer dependent on our parents. We're becoming individuals. We've hopefully learned from our parents, learning from our environment, and we're going out into the world. So who are we going to be? What gave us joy in our teenage years? And I used to put on charity shows at school, and I thought, right, so this is what I was good at. And if you look at your patterns, that will give you an indication of what you're good at. Not just what you want to do, but what you are good at and what gives you value. And by doing that, by finding something for yourself, it gives you a future to look at. So two things I did. One thing was to go into psychotherapy more, and I joined a clinic to work with other people who needed psychotherapy. And the second one, I started Dingwall's Live, which was a music show, because I thought, I've got to keep going, I've got to keep moving forward. I've got to make things happen. This is my nature. So tell us about what happened with Dingwall's Live. That sounds like. So I created a show which we. During the time of creating the show, I met my now business partner, Martin Pitt, and we streamed the show and we filmed it and put it on. It was searching for new music talent. So I was moving into music and created a TV show and I had Paul Young on the panel. I had lots of different celebrities actually that I was very grateful for that came onto the panel and we would choose out of six performers which performer would go into the studio, record their music. And it was filmed that day, it was streamed, and then it was on television the next day. So I did half a dozen of these. So it sort of sprung board a new area. So you have to go out and you have to announce yourself in a way. Doesn't matter how you feel about what you think people will say about you. Do something, make something happen, make something of value for yourself. Create something. And it doesn't necessarily have to end up that. That is the thing that goes big for you. So you say, you know, you did half a dozen of these shows, but by then you had kind of rebuilt yourself and you had announced to the world, I'm out here and I am doing things. When that other thing was taken away from me, that didn't mean that I was taken away from the world, that I'm still a force to be reckoned with. And I think in this day and age, unlike 20 years ago or 50 years ago, everything's moved so quickly. So lots of people are trying new things. So don't be afraid to try something new. Don't be afraid to fail. Depends what you mean by failure. But trying something is not failing because you learn a skill, you learn and you meet new people. So any of the skills that I have subsequently learned, I'm still using. So we're streaming, you know, I can make TV programs. You have those connections with people, amazing connections. But what I found is also you must have a future for yourself. Find something that you can hang on to that says, yes, that's where I really want to be. Don't let go of that either. Doesn't matter how far out of the way and doesn't matter how big or how small, because for some people, the thing that might keep them going is, I never learned to ride a bicycle. By my 80th birthday, I will be riding a bicycle. But it's very, very personal to you. How much dream can you carry at the moment? Because for some people, having a big dream, far out, that's the thing that will motivate them. For some people, having a big dream then feels like an extra pressure. So I think just feel it for yourself. What is it that works for you as you're saying, what motivates you? Absolutely. When I work with clients, for example, I had a wonderful woman who came in and she was an artist and nowadays everybody says, put your art online, blah, blah, blah, you know, put it online and just focus on that. But she is a creative and creatives need input and you need to relate to people. And I said to her, go out to your community, let them know you and they will know your art and you can sell your art. And once she started doing that, she was selling more and she was revitalized all the time. And you just, you've hit on such an important point here that what a lot of women do when they reach that moment of big disappointment is they self isolate, either through shame or lack of money or lack of opportunity or it's easier to distract when you're in the house for whatever reason, self isolation becomes a major, major problem. So just getting out into your community, just meeting real people, looking real people in the eye, can stop that downward spiral into depression that a lot of women go into in the face of disappointment and having to rebuild. And I think that community understanding that you need regeneration through activity with people, they don't need to know your story, they don't need to know how you feel. But just get, you know, that's why I think, thank God I can wear makeup. You know, nobody knows. I've got my friend who's a hairdresser, so I'll pop into her, my hair will look good, you know, just go out there, nobody needs to know what you're going through. Unless you've got very close friends that can really understand, have a dream. Doesn't matter how many dreams you have. As you say, doesn't matter if you start making cakes. Make something, sell it. I'm working with somebody actually who he'd gone through a terrible, terrible time and to get him back on the feet, he said, I've only got 16 hours, I can work. And I said, we'll work those 16 hours. And he wanted to be a chef and he said, I can make these burgers. I said, make the burgers and sell them. Do an evening with your friends and let them buy a burger from you. He changed that into an idea where he was selling the burgers from home and now he's got investment for a business. And that happened so quickly because, ah, right, I can do this even if it's 16 hours. I love that. I love that it happened so quickly and with a very small amount of time investment because a lot of people, a lot of women, particularly if you've got kids or other responsibilities, elderly parents, you know, your time is valuable. And so just knowing that you don't have to have endless amounts of time and you don't have to have endless amounts of money, but just do something and then how quickly that can turn into more time and more money and that upward spiral that we're all looking for. Yeah, I know women who are making cakes at home and selling wedding cakes and that may not be the be all and end all, but from that they really create relationships, you know, they create new business ideas and as you say, it's that motivation. I'm going, I'm doing something. And then if you're someone who needs bigger things just to wake you up, because there are some women who, a lot of women who we know and women like ourselves who we have this very large capacity for excitement and things happening. You know, it can be something like, I'm thinking of a friend of mine who is a well known actress and she, you know, had a massive, massive disappointment and then within a week she got offered something even bigger. And so you know that we're not talking about that you have to start by baking cupcakes up. We're saying whatever your level is, know that you, you just start with that and that you'll get to that place a lot faster than if you're not doing anything at all. I think that's the danger because you leave a gap in your life and in that gap you want to fill it with something and it could be drink, it could be drugs, it could be a reckless relationship. I'm not saying don't be reckless, have fun. But the right kind of reckless. Yeah, the right kind of reckless. That doesn't spoil you and who you are as a human being because that can really take you back. If you go into another relationship and then you think, what the hell have I done? I've been doing this for so long with the wrong person. Yeah. So make as many mistakes as you need to. Just not the same mistakes all the time. I think is kind of that compounds with that sort of self doubt and guilt and this has been wonderful. Thank you so much for joining us today on Judy Mae is listening. Ladies, please do keep your comments and questions coming in because every single show is built around your experience, what you are going through and together we take that and we transform everything here on wrs. Speak to you soon. Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. 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