Female – Ing – Danielle Simmonds, Resilience

Hello everybody and welcome to Women's radio station. I am your host, Nicole Goodman and you are listening to the Femaling Show. I'm glad to be back today and we have a real treat of a show today. We are talking about resilience and resilient thinking. How to master it, understand it and well, basically just how to have some during this difficult time in lockdown. I know that my resilient thinking is waning somewhat. I, I am joined by the incredibly impressive woman, Dani Simmons. Danny is a very, very close personal friend of mine and Danny has worked in the world of resilience for many years. Danny, welcome to Femaling. It's an absolute delight to be here. Thank you for having me. Danny Simmons is one of the UK's leading experts in corporate resilience and wellbeing. She has worked for companies in the private and public sectors across a broad range of industries in the UK and internationally. Danny supports organizations and individuals to thrive during challenging times. Danny empowers individuals and teams to find innovative ways of increasing their well being, their productivity and performance. Her global training programs have been translated into four different languages. That is so impressive. And her work continues to inspire positive cultures of engaged, high performing people across the globe. Like, I'm so proud that you're my friend. When I read your bio that makes me so proud of you. That's absolutely lovely. But bios take some writing, that took some writing. Well, it gave me shivers. So listen, let's start at the beginning because I really want, I really want us to get a handle of resilient and resilient thinking and what it is and how it can help and why it's important, all of those things. Because actually, you know, this word, resilience is thrown around a lot, especially at the moment. So can you tell us a bit about what resilience is and why it's important? You're so right that it's been thrown around a lot. So there's a lot of people making a lot of noise about resilience. So I so delighted that you've asked me this first question because I think resilience means different things to different people and all of us. It's not something that you're not born with. All of us have the potential for resilience. So I'll start with a little definition if that's okay. And it is just my definition. So over the years it's changed and shifted, but the one that I've landed with is this. So resilience is the ability to respond effectively to pressures. And boy, do we have those right now to be able to bounce back from setbacks and find the strength to overcome adversity. So I've known you for many years and what I would say to you and all of the listeners is that it's quite an individual thing. So the way in which you, Nicole, you might respond to pressures could be very different to the way that I respond effectively to pressures. And the way that one of our listeners might find strength or what they draw strength from could be very different to what another person draws strength from. So there's no definitive this is the way to be resilient. I think it's just certain qualities and capabilities that we learn how to build and sustain in ourselves. So being flexible, being able to adapt, and we certainly need to do that right now when we get hit with a problem, and we frequently do, rather than kind of getting stuck in the mire of the problem, having the capacity to kind of lift up above the problem, almost like a helicopter view of it, so that you can see the problem with a little bit of distance. And also when you're higher above it, it's easy to be able to see solutions and ways forward. Also being more resilient for me, especially over the years of working with people has really been about increasing our innate capacity, particularly as women, to support ourselves as an absolute first base. And we often come last base and from that first base, being able then to be able to support others. So. So I think it's like the oxygen mask metaphor, isn't it? Exactly, exactly spot on. It has to be strapped on ourselves first before we go to help others. And I think our natural tendency as women is that we go instinctively to support or help others first. And if, particularly at the moment when the list of who we're helping and how we're helping them, from homeschooling kids trying to ply them off devices to being able to just manage. I really don't like this word, the new normal, but I'm going to use it anyway. To being able to just get to grips with what's happening to all of us in this lockdown. That capacity to support ourselves first. It doesn't mean that we're selfish or, or self indulgent, just means we're practicing self care. Lovely. And I have actually noticed that during this lockdown, and I don't know if you've noticed this, that my self care has had to up like so that my normal modes of self care, for example, or my normal modes of resilience aren't that they're just not cutting it. They're not getting through. They're not even touching the sides. So my, my resilient thinking for, let's say and my self care and they probably go in the same sort of, they're in the same sort of family, I'm guessing. Yeah, they are. Exactly. Beautifully said. Oh, thanks. Actually that, actually it's, I could, I could quadruple it and it probably still wouldn't be enough in order to keep my, my, my spirits high or my spirits are where they usually are. Like I'm really fighting against that. So I guess I'm speaking on behalf of other women that are finding that. But it only occurred to me the other day that, oh my God, I'm trying my normal modes of self care and can't really understand why I'm not. Yeah, it's not enough. It's just not enough. Yeah, I'd love you just to imagine and for all the listeners right now because I think it's a really helpful tool just to begin the process of being able to up our resilient thinking. So imagine you kind of carry within you some, something a bit like a resilience reservoir. And at times that reservoir is pretty topped up and then particularly at the moment with all the challenges, if you imagine those challenges actually poking holes in your resilience reservoir. So what we need to do with all our practices, all the things that help us take care of ourselves and help us keep feeling uplifted and just basically sane, is we need to be looking to, to plug up those holes as quickly and effectively as possible so that we can keep those levels where we need them to be. And they're going to fluctuate. Resilience levels always fluctuate. That's normal. But right now a lot of us are actually, they're so depleted, our resilience reservoirs are almost running dry. So a couple of times a day it can be really helpful just to take a few seconds on a breath and just check in with your resilience reservoir and ask yourself, okay, where's the level? Don't judge it, just notice it. And once you notice the level you can say, oh, okay, actually I think I need to go for a walk right now. And you'll notice that during your walk the level will raise. Or you might say, I really need to eat something or perhaps I've got to go and do a tiny bit of exercise or I just might need to call a friend right now. Particularly for those of us who are in lockdown living on our own. I mean, it goes both ways. In families, everybody's driving each other mad. When you're on your own, you drive yourself mad. So I think it's a really nice place to start. It's a metaphor, really, like the oxygen mask, but it just allows you to be able to calibrate what you need and to do it throughout the day and even just before you go to sleep at night. I absolutely love that. And actually, what it does is it gives you such a beautiful opportunity to work out where you are. Exactly. Spot on. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. Wherever we are. Yeah. Wherever you are. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sometimes. A lot of people I've spoken to recently have said they've had some unbelievably tough days recently. I think it's just as the lockdown is getting to a point where we're just missing human contact and connection, so it's even more important that we are able to connect with ourselves and do what we can for ourselves, to lift our spirit so that we're able to just connect with whatever, whether it be a zoom screen or our kids that's screaming for the 50th time that day. I don't know what you mean. I don't know why I came up with that example. Well, the reason that she came up with that example is because I was speaking to her on the phone the other day, or it was my sister. Can't remember, because my sister's living with me at the moment, and Danny was on the other end of the line and she could hear the drama that was going on in my household. And what did you say when I spoke to you the next day? You said, I actually felt all right about living on my own for that moment in time. You're a very passionate family who express ourselves with enormous passion. That is putting it incredibly kindly. And I guess that is a lovely example of resilient thinking. It really is. And actually, truly for all of us, no matter what our situation is right now, we're dealing with a kind of a whole maelstrom, like a storm of thoughts, that some of our thoughts are going to be sabotaging us right now. Whether our kids screaming at us, or we're trying to deal with whatever's going on around us, or we're on our own in lockdown, or. Or we're trying to work out new ways of working and remote teams. Everything is so remote right now. Let's face it. I can't remember the last time I asked someone, I live on my own, just to Put that into some context. And so being alone with your thoughts or being with your thoughts in connection with others, you start to realize that actually if you are having a load of thoughts that are sabotaging you, as pressure and stress increases, it becomes even more critical that we know how to firstly catch the thoughts that are sabotaging us because quite frankly, they're not going to be helpful. And then we can challenge and change those thoughts so that we can create more thoughts that support us and help us succeed. So can we do a little kind of practice run? And I will be your dummy, if that's okay. Like, you're far from that. But yes, you know, okay, I will be your example, your experiment, and I'm going to be really, really open and honest here because that's what I always like to bring to femaleing. I woke up this morning, I had a really weird night's sleep. I had very strange dreams, etc. Etc. And I woke up feeling very depleted and very tired. And I said to my husband, I'm not feeling great. And he said, oh my God, what's the matter? Are you ill? I said, no, no, not physically. Like emotionally. I'm feeling very, very low. And I've been feeling very, very low for a good week. But I haven't really been admitting it to myself. I've been sort of, you know, getting through it just every day. And just actually what I've been doing. Danny is having a go at everybody. Not my sister. She's been my saving grace. I've been aggravated with my kids, I've been irritated with my husband, and I've been blaming, I've been sitting in blame that everybody else is doing everything wrong or not doing enough. Actually, this morning when I woke up and said I just feel really low, something shifted. The irritation and the aggravation shifted because I think I was getting much more honest with myself about what was going on. So let's do some resilient thinking around this, if you don't mind. Not at all. Yeah. Because I'm sure whatever I'm pointing to right now, there are many women out there that are feeling irritated with their husbands or their children or themselves. Themselves. And ultimately that's what it is, isn't it? Yeah. But you know, listen, I'm a coach and I'm in. You know, I do a lot of self development work. I listen to a lot of self development podcasts and books and I'm always reading, listening to something that's in this world. And. And it still took me, I would Say a good week, maybe even 10 days to recog that I was feeling really low. Yeah. And you're not alone. No, in any way. I mean, I'm right there with you. I spun out completely last week and you know, this is my work. So you would truly think I would know how to pull my thinking back to a more resilient place. But there are times when these little guys. I'm going to introduce you to concepts, see what you think of this. So do you remember the film Gremlins? You're probably too young for this, aren't you, Gremlins? Oh, I. I vaguely remember. Vaguely. But yeah, not really. Okay. It wasn't really very important. Let's face it. Sorry, Spielberg, but it just wasn't. So if you. I want you to imagine that. That there are. So we're not talking about the little fluffy creatures in the film that were very sweet. We are talking about the ones that got wet or the ones after midnight that turned into. They are like rampaging monsters that cause havoc. So I want you to imagine that you have thought patterns which are the things you say to yourself in your head. And during times like these, they are going to be running through your head. And their job, I call them stress critters. And you can make them look however you want them to look. And these stress critters, their job is to attack all your objectivity, all your rationale, all of your kind of uplifting, resilient thinking. And they leave you with stress, anxiety and negativity. And that low place that you were talking about, that is their job. And they are really good at their job. They are really good. They are really, really great already. I've already pictured one who's like a spiky, really dark hedgehog who's got really fangy teeth. And what he says is, your husband is doing nothing. He's not helping you at all. And your kids are just being so difficult, they're not remotely listening. And everybody is do. Everyone is wrong. Right? You've got it. Okay, so let me give you the name of that little critter. That one is called Blame I Love Actually exists. So the cognitive psychologists, they call these thinking distortions. I call them stress critters. So these are really thoughts that sabotage you. They're like thinking traps. Okay? And we don't see them coming. If you imagine kind of holes in the road, no matter how developed we are, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, we still sometimes walk down the same road and fall in the same hole because we don't see it Coming. So blame would be a big one. Another one, and you can describe how this one looks for you is focusing on the negative. So nothing works. You cannot see any silver linings. They don't exist. It's just a massive black cloud. And that one is really, really hitting people quite hard at the moment. We would love to be able to focus on the positive, but the focusing on the negative critic gets in there. You don't stand a hope in hell. And you know what's really interesting is that last night a more positive per. More positive thought process was starting to come through. Right? Because my. My negative after the blame and after. And focusing on the negative for me looks like my kids never offer to help, my husband never offers to help, and I have to do everything. It's horrible seeing all the things that they are not doing, not even remotely interested in what they are doing. And then this POS thought process started to come up and it was kind of like on the. You need to see what everyone is doing or what they are bringing to the table. And you know what I said, no, tell me. And you know what I said to it? I said, no, go away. I'm not interested. They are doing. I'm only interested in blame and negativity. Okay, so do you want to know what that one is? Yeah, go on that one. You'll love this one. It's a good friend of yours. Oh, God. Ready? Drum roll. No, I can't stand it. I just. I can't stand my husband. I can't stand the fact I got Stan Zoom. Oh, that's been a mass. I got Stan technology. I got Stan the fact that I'm in a lockdown and I can't go out. I got. I can't do anything or see anyone. And I. Oh, my favorite one recently. Really sorry to admit this one, but I'm going to anyway, because I'll be honest too. I can't stand joggers. So when I'm going for a walk, I know that they're breathing really hard. And then I'm going to be in there breathing slipstream. So my awfulizing critter, which is another one, which is great. So the awfulizing blows everything out of proportion. And it's like the Daily Mail Critter. Sorry, Daily Mail, but it is. And so instead of the joggers, you know, they're just going for a run. They're keeping themselves sane. But as far as I'm concerned, they're breathing Covid into the air and I've got to try and Avoid them at all costs. Otherwise obviously I'm going to get sick and that would be the end of everything. So there are so many of them. The other one which I think is really harming people right now is the jumping to conclusion. So the fortune telling critter and the mind reading. So the fortune telling is things like. I just know this has been a really difficult one for me and I've caused so many rows because of it. It's coming from a good place. But critters are never helpful because they're always distortions of thinking. I think that's the one thing they all have in common, isn't it? That it's just such a negative thought pattern that it just. It depletes you. It's disruptive. It's. It's completely. Sorry, Siri keeps popping up on my laptop. I don't know what Siri. I can't stand it either. I can't. I can't stand Siri. Okay, there you go. I cannot stand Siri. I find Siri. Here we go. On a critter. I find Siri the most unhelpful part of Apple. And whenever I need Siri, Siri never works. Oh, look, Siri's now laughing at me. I swear to God I just saw it. I swear to God. Oh, no, it's Melis. Melis is laughing. Yes, brilliant. I thought. I actually thought Siri was. Was because Siri does hear everything. Like sometimes when I'm really screaming at my kids, Siri pops up on my bloody watch. It's. So what can I help you with? You know what, Siri, you can't help me with anything because every time I need your help, you don't help. So you can do one. Okay? So you have just beautifully demonstrated a critter in action. Now, what happened there, and I'm going to be serious here for a second, the thing about critters and what makes them so destructive in our thinking is they love company. So if you imagine a whole row of dominoes lined up, Siri was the first one, and you just push that domino. That thought then creates another thought and another thought and another thought. And before you know it, it's not only Siri, Siri that you can't stand. You can't stand your husband, you can't stand your kids, and you really can't stand life. Yeah, and lockdown. Yeah, and lockdown. And so that's why we've got to be so mindful, really about our thinking. Because once we get into this pattern of thinking in A way that sabotages us. It makes bad situations worse, so much worse. So we've got to be able to catch them. You did it elegantly this morning. You were vulnerable and brave enough to say, actually, I'm really feeling low, not feeling okay. And sometimes when you catch your critters and you start to become aware that your thinking's not helping you, what that then gives you is an ability to choose to choose to think in a way that will support you. So the bottom line is we can't change our environments right now. And that is actually a truth most of the time. But what we can do, and this is the uplifting, empowering piece, is whilst we might not be able to change our environment, lockdown, fear of the unknown, of the future, uncertainty, lack of money, the list goes on. What we can always do is we can choose how we respond to all of that. So we might not be able to change our environment, but we can choose how we respond to it. We can learn to respond skillfully rather than reacting habitually. And that tends to be what happens when we're under pressure. We react habitually and it normally comes out as an attack or a blame or. And remember that blame can go on self as well. So then we start beating ourselves up. And as women, we're often our own harshest critic, our own worst enemies, and we are the people that drive ourselves the hardest and the longest. So that piece around learning how to respond skillfully, respond, response is so different to reaction. I'm sure you can just feel that in yourself. I mean, honestly, I'm resonating so, so, so heavily with what you're saying right now. Actually, it's making me feel quite emotional because I'm now going through the last week of where. How I've been and how I've been sort of behaving and acting towards the people that I love most in the world. And it hasn't, you know, it's not me at my finest. But this morning when I said the words out loud, actually, I feel really low. Something, as I said before, something shifted. But I do want to. I do want to highlight something and perhaps you can help me with this and then hopefully in turn help someone else. I felt a bit guilty for saying that. I felt guilty for saying I'm feeling low. And I think that's what's stopped me from admitting it, because. And this is why I feel guilty. I'm healthy. All my family are healthy. My husband and I have had it and we've recovered fully. And that's Great. My parents are healthy. We will come out of this, you know, we won't be heavily financially hit. That we won't, you know, we won't have to sell our house or anything like that. We will be okay. We will still have food on the table, we will still have the same roof over our heads. And hopefully everyone that I love will get through this as healthily as possible. So I know that I'm going to come out of this and I'm going to be all right. So therefore I feel like I don't have a right. And I guess is that another critter coming up? Like I don't have a right to be lowly holy. And actually, I don't know, I felt quite emotional hearing you just say that because it's so hard at the moment as we continuously incessantly compare ourselves with other people. And actually that's probably the biggest critter that the human race is facing right now is demandingness. So I should be grateful for what I have right now. I should not have any right to complain when I have friends, and I do have friends who have lost their absolute nearest and dearest. I have no right to wake up in the morning and say that I'm feeling low because if somebody's been bereaved, they have a right to feel. No, I don't have a right. So the should, must, got to, have to and ought critter is probably one of the most unhelp. It's almost like if you imagine a massive, huge great wall between us and self care. Just, just repeat that again because I think that was really important, the should. So the demandingness critter, yeah, is, is the one, the thought pattern that says to us, it's when we place demands on ourselves and others in the form of should, must, got to, have to and ought. So it's like I should be feeling, okay, I must do this now. I ought to be better. Yes, I, I've. I've got to get on with things because people have it so much worse. Yes. Oh God. That's a massive one of mine. That's a massive one of mine. Yeah. So what, what that critter does is enormous. My one is, is it's like a massive thing with horns and it's pink. It's like bright pink hooves. Interview. And it's got a outstretched pointing finger and most of the time that pointing finger points back at me. But sometimes when I'm having an absolute killer of a time, it points at everybody else. Oh, that's what mine does mine points at everybody else. They should be behaving differently. They all know what I need right now. My husband should know what I need right now. What's wrong with him? There's something wrong with him. So next gritter, I have my hands over my eyes, my palms are sweaty. I cannot tell you. You are hitting home. So this one, this one, what it does, this particular critter is it really knocks out the ballpark our levels of expectation. So for us, perfectionism, my hands are raised above my head right now. It creates perfection pressure. One of your favorite words here, guilt, disappointment and stress. Because we're always going to be setting this critter is going to set unrealistic expectations and the demands are always going to be too high. So nothing is ever going to be perfect or good enough. But as far as this critter is concerned it should be. You're healthy Nicole, so you should be able, you're a coach so you really ought to be able to manage your state more effectively than you have been. And then of course you can see what happens with the domino effect is you then start to feel worse because you haven't been. And before you know it you've basically just checked into the bad place. I mean there is a whole hotel of rooms called the bad place. Living in there. I've hired a whole floor, an old floor, I'm having a party. There's champagne there. Got it. And that's what the critters do. They they nuts and crisps and a lot of chocolate and cake and they drink beer and that's what they do. And they actually, if you just imagine them like trashing hotel rooms, the Bad Place. So they shove you in lockdown in the bad place. You're locked into these places and that's what they do. They basically just make already bad situations worse. So we do not want our stress critters driving because what thoughts do is they drive how we behave. So what we do and don't do, they drive our feelings and they also drive our physiology, our well being. So we want to get that critter. If you imagine you're critter in the driving seat of your car in your head, I like to kind of encourage people that what we've got to do is first of all rather than just being a passive passenger and allow them to drive, we want to be able to imagine yourself in the car kind of looking at the driving seat and you've got an enormous demandingness critter behind the steering wheel. You want to look at that and say you need to go and you want to literally pick it up and open the car window, shove it out of the car window, onto the M6, M1, wherever you are, listeners in the country, whatever your main motorway is. And then you want to be able to get behind the steering wheel so that Nicole Goodman, the kind, wise, beautiful person that I know and you know, can get back behind the steering wheel so that you can drive yourself in the direction that you want to go in, which is away from the bad place and back to a place of self care and kindness and compassion, which we all need right now. Yeah. Wow, that's so powerful, Danny, because I envisaged myself doing that and I hope that for you, listening at home, anything that's dragging you down right now, you were able to pick it up out of the driving seat and throw it out onto the M6 and. Or wherever you may be based and actually. And put something so much more healthy and positive, which is yourself, your heart and soul level in the driving seat so that you're the one that makes your choices, your decisions and you're the one that's driving the car. It's beautiful, such a beautiful analogy. And it's okay, that kind of moment, Nicole, where you just turn your head and you notice whatever critter it is, and sometimes there's what I call a critter collection. There's not just one of them driving, you've got six on the steering wheel. It's no wonder we're so frazzled, of course. And I think it's really important for all of us, the listeners, to just. When you have that moment of saying, do you know what? Okay, I've got focusing on the negative. I've got demanding nerves. I've got a massive. I can't stand it. Itis. And I'm doing blame here. It's okay to just. What's the word I'm looking for? To just kindly, I guess just say, okay, here you are, guys, here you are again. I know you. I know that you are what make me human. Because we all have stress critters, Nicole. It doesn't make you bad or wrong or not sane. It actually just makes us human. So just to acknowledge, oh, hello, here you are again. And now do you know what? Goodbye. Goodbye. So what would you say is the opposite of a critter? Perfect. So there's a little kind of bit. So we've kind of caught them, we've gone, okay, hi, guys. Here you are again. You're not helpful. I don't want you here anymore. That's the first point. The second one is we've then got to challenge our thinking because just suddenly moving from really negative thinking, that's sabotaging you to really positive thinking, it's just not going to cut it for the majority of us at the moment because we're going to change our thinking. We have to believe it. I am not going to start saying I love lockdown and have that as my affirmation. I'm not going to be believing that it's not going to be working for me. I'm not saying that there isn't a place for positive thinking. I really am not saying that. But at the moment, I'm talking about a kind of process from when you've really checked into the bad place. Just leaping over to the great place is probably not going to cut it for most of us. So the piece that I would say in the middle, which can be very helpful, and they're just three tiny questions which are so profound and see which ones resonate for you because do I need a pen? I feel like I need a pen. Yeah, grab a pen for this one. Grab a pen, everyone grab a pen. Yeah, it's going to grab a pen. This is going to be a useful little one here. And then I promise you, we're going to move on to the third change. Third c in a minute, which is change. So this challenge, it works by. And it's important that to do this physiologically, physically as well as mentally, because, of course, what we're doing is creating mind, body connection and the two need to be working together. So you, first of all, when you've got a thought, give me. Give me one of your unhelpful thoughts so I can work with it. Nicole. My husband never helps me. Poor Adam. Which is not true. It's not true. Critters are rarely true. They're distortion. Okay, so it's not going to be true, this thinking, but right now, when you're hooked into it, the critter makes us believe that it is wholly right, true and real. I've got a better one. I've got a better one. Go, go. Sorry. I know it's irrelevant what the thought is, but my kids never listen. Okay, perfect. Oh, that's perfect. That's a black and white critter. So what your black and white critter does is it does always, never everything and nothing. He never listens. She never helps clear up. They are always fighting. And what's the other one? Nothing is ever going to go right for Me got that one. Black and white. You've got them all. Now I've got the collection, you, me and everyone else. So give me the line again, give me the thought again. My kids never listen. My kids never listen. I mean, just hear the emotional concept to that. Not helpful. It might feel true and it may be true, but never. Well, I'll go there with that one. So here are your challenges. First thing most important with reactive habitual thinking, it happens. Can you hear that click? In a heartbeat. In a heartbeat. Okay, so someone walks in and says something you don't want to hear, you instantly want to shout at them. Yeah. The tech doesn't work. Again, on your Zoom call, you, you want to start writing an email to somebody about how frustrated you are. So that's what's known as AC thinking. So you have an activating event, you instantly have a reaction to it. Okay. Now it isn't actually the activating event that's causing us to react, it's our beliefs and thoughts about the event. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so, so it's your belief, so just repeat that. It's our beliefs and thoughts that are about the event. About the activating event. So whatever's triggered you or whoever's triggered you, what we tend to do is we say it's. It's that or them that's causing us to get stressed or upset or anxious. There's blame there as well. Yeah, yeah, let's blame them. Actually, it's not because your kids are just doing what your kids are always doing, it's your beliefs and thoughts about your kids, particularly in the lockdown. Okay. Yeah. So if, just imagine then that you've got an activating event, a trigger, then in the middle you've got this little piece which are your beliefs and thoughts and expectations. Let's just put them in for good measure in the middle. And then at the end on a continuum line, you've got the consequences, which are your behaviors, your feelings and your health and well being and they're always going to be impacted. So most of the time what we do is we say, my manager upset me, my kids annoyed me. So this is known as AC thinking. So we're saying basically that other people's situations and events are the cause of our problems. Yeah, now that's not actually true because what really are the cause of our problems are our beliefs and thoughts about. Yes, yes. It's also incredibly disempowering because if you're blaming someone else, then you have no power, no power to change it. So actually the Locus of control. It lies in being able to recognize that once we can get a handle on our beliefs and thoughts, that's when we start to be able to take, empower ourselves to recognize that we can choose our responses rather than they just happen as a reaction. Does that make sense? Yes. Yes. We get to choose how we respond to something. So if my kid comes down, I've asked her to lay the table and she doesn't, or I've asked her to go and clean her teeth and she doesn't. Yes. Instead of jumping to my kid never listens to me. Yes. I get to choose in that moment how I want to think about the situation. And that thought process will then determine my behavior towards her or towards the current situation. Precisely. So in a nutshell, you have just elegantly said beautifully that actually what it is is that our thinking, once we can learn how to, how to create more quality in our thoughts, create thoughts that support us rather than sabotage us. Actually our thinking is the most powerful ally and friend we have to help change any. Every single outcome in our life. If you imagine you don't yell at your girls and then the ripple effect is they then feel better and they then behave in ways and it. And so it goes on. The domino effect actually goes the other way and moves us to understanding, to compassion, to kindness, to just having a better day right now. Just calm. Yeah. So you got your pen. I'm going to give you the three challenges. Let's get into some like just real helpful things. How do we do this? Because it's all great in theory this, but obviously in practice it's much more challenging, particularly in our current environment. So first thing you do when your kid is doing something and the critter comes in and says they're not listening. Hardest bit this, but most important is you really need to stop before you open your mouth. I feel like that was so personal as you said that it wasn't because all of us before we send an email, before we like start tapping aggressively on the keyboard. Well, that's reacting, isn't it? That's reacting, yeah. So we're in reaction. So if you don't want to react, the only way to do that is to stop. So how do you do that? Sometimes for some people, I'm going to give you a range of things and kind of go with whatever works here. There isn't a right or wrong. Sometimes it is literally forcing yourself to breathe into your belly. Three breaths just. Or even two if you can't get to three or even one if you're really triggered. Yeah. For some people, the breath, what that does is it just grounds you in that moment and moves you away from the part of your brain that's really agitated, your amygdala, fight or flight, which is your sympathetic nervous system. What you're doing with the breath is you're giving your poor parasympathetic, the relaxed, the calm, the rest and digest system a chance to operate. Okay, so what we want to do is move ourselves away from our emotional brains and back to our rational brain, which is the prefrontal cortex. That helps us make choice. That gives us choice back. And the only way that we do that is to stop. It's to stop. So for some people, the breath works. For other people, it doesn't. So what they need to do to get into the rational brain is actually do something rational, like count. So you might just count back from 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Because counting is actually not an emotional brain process. It's a rational brain process. So it helps kick in. It brings your rational brain back online. Oh, I love that. I love that. Yeah, back offline, which is really what we want to do here. So the counting, I really love. The breath also works for some people. Something that our wonderful mentor and great teacher Brene Brown talks about is something like a spinner ring where you might just move it a couple of times so you're kind of physically doing something to again, give yourself just the pause. It's really a pause between reaction, between a stimulus and under response. So we're looking to create any which way to pull. Some people flick an elastic band on their wrist because it kind of gives them a little physical reminder. And she also says an affirmation, doesn't she, when she spins the ring. So to get her. Yeah. So she'll spin the ring three times, and she says, don't shrink. Don't puff up. Stand in your sacred ground. And that brings her back to herself, basically without her reacting to, you know, some mother at carpool who was judging her about working away from home or whatever it was and not baking cookies. She did bake cookies, homemade cookies. Okay, so that's. So that's the stop. And getting into the rational brain. Got it. Absolutely. Moving away from where the critters live, which is in the. In the emotional brain, away from them, and forging kind of a mental pathway back to the rational brain. So once you've stopped, you can then step back. So that's that kind of moment of looking at the critters in the driving seat. And saying, oh, okay, I can see I've got awfulizing here. The Daily Mail's just moved in along with focusing on the negative. Oh, hello. I've got my great big delight demanding this gritter right now. And, and that, that little. Remember I talked earlier about the helicopter view? Yeah. So what that does is you kind of. You create a helicopter view to your own thoughts. So you step back from the. My kids never listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you actually hear and see that thought. So you're not actually reacting to it, you just seeing it. And then you can ask yourself three really powerful questions. So this is the pen moment. Is the thought I'm having right now actually logical? Okay. Would a scientist agree with the logic of my thinking? So I'm, I'm. I can't be honest. Would a scientist agree that. That Siri can be a bit of an ass at times? I'm gonna go with, oh, my God. Siri just jumped back on what can I help you with? I swear to God. I swear to God. Would a scientist agree? Because it's. Every time I say Siri, that's why. Would a scientist agree that Siri is annoying, I'm gonna say, yeah, okay, so I'm gonna give you that one. Okay. Because I'm probably with you on that one. So that particular challenge would not be the one that works in this instance, which is why we've got three of them. So you get to choose the one that works best given whatever thought you're getting besieged with. So the logical one. Tell you what, Nick, the logical one works really well if you're feeling something very strongly. So, for example, just because you feel I'm going to use this guilty about something, doesn't logically mean necessarily that you've done something wrong. Okay. So I felt last week very emotional about a video that. That I'd done for a women's summit and how many people had watched it and who had watched it and. And just so many feelings about it. But actually, my thought was, If people haven't watched it, it means they don't care about me. Okay? Now logic. Is that logical, Nicole? No. Do you not care about me because you didn't watch my talk? Not. No. I adore you. Of course not. And I didn't watch the talk. Okay. So can you see? And now I feel guilty. We can work with that. But actually, as I started to use that challenge, I realized how illogical I was being. People were busy. It was only available on one day. And things are happening so quickly on a day so of course it wasn't logical to draw that kind of conclusion in my thinking. I just checked into the bad place, not logical to think that way and it really pulled me up short. These challenges are a great way of slamming on the brakes. So let's go. Yeah, what's the third question? Yeah, so there's two more. The second one is is it realistic? So is there actually any evidence for what I'm thinking right now? So the fact that I believe that my parents are going to get sick. Well actually what is right in front of me. We often imagine worst case scenarios that don't actually come to fru worry about things that never actually happen in reality. So what is real right now and what's a product of my imagination or fear? Stick to the fact, don't attach any story to it. Do not get caught up in the drama because drama is rarely factual. That's why it's called drama. And the third one is my favorite and I hope it is for many of your listeners too. It's the one I use the most. First one I call the scientist challenge. The second one I call the lawyers challenge. And the third one I call the pragmatist challenge. So this is where you stop, step back and ask yourself, is the thought I'm having right now helpful? Is it constructive? Is it actually compassionate? So is it enabling me to get through the end of my day with some calm and some energy? Is it allowing me to communicate in the most effective way with the people that I love and care for? And am I, and this is really one, I think, for all of us right now as we're kind of lashing out in ways that we really don't mean. Is my thinking allowing any fallibility for self or others? Because we are all so fallible right now. We're all making mistakes, we, we're all messing up, but we are all doing it. So by stopping, stepping back and, and asking if your thinking is really serving you and others right now, that whole process enables you in and it takes seconds, just seconds between the react the stimulus and the reaction. Those precious seconds. Stop, step back. Is this thought logical? Stop, step back. What are the facts here? Stop, step back. Is this helpful? Am I being compassionate? Am I allowing people to make mistakes? Am I allowing myself to be human right now? That's what starts the alchemy, turning reaction to response. That's so beautiful. And the piece that I love most about that is am I allowing myself to be human right now? And also to add to that, am I allowing other People to be human right now. Exactly. Because, you know, my kids are finding it hard too. My little ones really struggling with the schooling and not being able to see her friends and not being able to run around in the playground and, you know, am I, am I allowing for that? Am I allowing for the fact that she's struggling? Am I allowing for the fact that my husband's work is a lot, a lot less than it used to be? Like, no, the answer is no, I'm not allowing for that. And you just did it. So you know that your challenges have worked if you get a no. So, like, for me, with all spinning out about the talk last week, I just managed to get myself to a point. No, of course it doesn't mean my friends don't care. No, of course this doesn't mean that I can't do work to the best of my ability. All of us are doing the best we can. And the bottom line is that I got to. Is it helpful reaching out to everyone and having a go? I'm going to be honest, going to be really honest now. It feels helpful for a few split seconds because you've got it off your chest, but then it just feels awful. And then it just feels awful, doesn't it? It's the pits and you've fallen out with somebody or you've really upset your, you know, and the bottom line is your kids. Nicole, let's go back to your example because it's such a good one. Well, a lot of the time right now they're probably not listening because there's so much noise that's going on in their own heads. Can't see their friends. It's hard to work to do school without the structure and the support that they're so used to. So, yes, they probably are not listening right now, but is it helpful to say that they never listen? And a lovely little tiny trick for the, for the all or nothing thinking. It's just to simply put a question mark at the end of those sentences. Never do. They never listen. Is your husband always. What's something you say? He always does. He never shuts the cupboard doors. Okay, so does your husband always leave the cupboard doors open? Frequently? Probably, yes. There you go, you've got your no. So can you see what they do, these challenges is they just give us a chance, a much, much blessed needed chance to be able to pull ourselves up short a bit, get hold of the critter, chuck it out the window and come back to ourselves where we can begin. And I hope I've Got time just to squeeze in a couple of these where we can begin to actually draw on what I call your resilience SWAT team. So these are your resilient thinking skills. So your Amazons, whatever kind of image works best for you, your warriors that are going to go to war with your critters, because that is what you need. They are going to wrestle your unhelpful thoughts to the ground so that you can be in a position to take back control of your thinking. And you got three of them. So I'd love you to come up with an image for each one because I know you're really good at this. So the first one is, is to learn the skill of being a bit more flexible with our thinking. Flexible? Well, flexible. I just had like a. Like a yogi. So a woman in her Lululemon gear with a bra top and some cool leggings who's doing like some backward downward dog. I don't even think that's a thing. Bloody Siri popped up again. Siri. No, no, no. I love you, but you're not helpful right now, Nicole. So first thing, breathe. Now, what is the thought you're saying about Siri? Just say it without getting hooked into it. What was I saying? That yourself in that moment of reaction. I know we're not allowed to swear. Yeah, exactly. It's really hard to do without swearing. Like, go away, basically. I don't want to keep saying Siri because then it bothers. Go away. Go away. I hate you. I can't stand you. Okay, all of that. All of that. So you've stopped, you've taken a breath, you've seen the critter and give me one of the three challenges. So you're going to do this for yourself right now and your listeners. Is my thinking. Which of the three would work best for Sir? It's my. Is my thinking helpful? Okay, what's the answer to that? Big fat neon flashing. No, it's gone on Broadway. It does massive. You really make me laugh. Okay, so no, it's not helpful. So what we're going to do now is you've already started the process of moving away from. From the reaction. So your flexible thinking would be instead of the should, must, got to, have to ought. Yeah, yeah. You introduce. I would like. I'd strongly prefer because. Because those. I would really prefer you go upstairs. I've seen your teeth. S I R I to stop. My kids think I've had a nervous breakdown. Like, what's wrong with Mummy? I strongly prefer you lay the table I would strongly prefer you to listen right now because you can't actually, the more good you're going towards video it and send it to you. No, I'm joking. But no, I, I, I totally obvious. Of course I hear what you're saying because the or should got to must. It's so binary. It's so brash. It's so hard, it's mean. It's actually mean and it's nasty and it's heavy and I am so sick and tired of it that actually the I'd strongly prefer I would like is really, I'd really like, I'd really like you to lay the line. Yeah, yeah. And just to remember to move from us perfectionists here. I must be the best to. I'll do the best I can with the time, resources, capacity I have right now. And that's so important for all of us just to do the best. Repeat that. Repeat that. That's really beautiful. So rather than I must be the best, I will do the best I can with the time, resources, capacity that I have available right now. Beautiful. So that's flexible. And then the last two, I probably will just go with one more because I think we've almost out of time is to be more supportive. Supportive in our thinking. So when you're being overly negative or critical, just stop and ask yourself, if this was happening to a close friend, someone I love with all my heart, what would I do or say to them right now? And that's what you do or say? Yeah. And you know what came up for me when you said that is I'd probably just want to give them a hug. And actually you can give yourself a hug, metaphorical hug, you know you can. And whatever that means, whether that's just to sit down and pour yourself a glass of wine or run a bubble bath or walk around the block to chill out or like you said before, call a friend, like whatever it is for that hug is just so much kinder. It's so much kinder. I like to finish off on a quote. Your wisdom today has been remarkable, Danny, and something I'm going to take with me for, I was going to say the rest of my life, but it will stay with me. And I'm definitely going to try this out this week and see if I have a better week. And I'm going it to replace report back to you on it. The quote is, my mind, body and spirit are strong. I embrace all of life's challenges. I face my fears rather than hide from them. I choose happiness. Each day. I believe in the power of hope. I love my life with trust and courage. I set goals I can't possibly achieve. And then I grow into the person who can. I know that no matter what happens in my life, I will be okay. I am resilient. Dani, thank you so much for being here. You've been amazing. This has been femaling. I hope you've enjoyed it and we will speak with you next week.