Female – Ing – Jo Kaye, Silencing The Shoulds

Hello everybody and welcome to this week's episode of the Femaling Show. I'm your host, Nicole Goodman and we are at women's radio station Today. I have a very important show for you. We are just stepping into week three of the quarantine and I don't know about you, but I am finding this a huge mental challenge. One minute I feel productive and energized and the next minute I literally cannot focus on what I'm doing and I feel like I could burst into tears. And I want to talk to that today. This is what we're bringing today. I want to talk to that inner struggle that each of us women are dealing with. And let's be honest, we are all dealing with some sort of mental battle during these very uncertain times. That intimate voice that is playing tricks on all of us in this contained way of living. The guilt, the restlessness, the voice that tells you you are not doing enough or that you should be doing more or you should be doing it differently. All that chatter and noise, that's where we are going. And I am going to hopefully calm it down with the help of my guest, going to assure everyone that it's normal, healthy, almost and to say that whatever you are experiencing is true, valid and very, very real. And to join me this week we have Jo K. Jo has joined us before at Femaling and I'm so happy to welcome her back. Jo, welcome to Femaling. Hi. Thanks Nicole. Thanks for having me. So let me give you a little introduction for those people that don't know you and your work. Jo is a full time mindfulness coach and founder of the Breathe Academy. She teaches ways to live more mindfully to cooperate to corporate and private clients in groups and one to one settings in north and central London. She has been practicing meditation for over 20 years and is a member of the UK Network of Mindfulness Teachers. She has a particular passion for providing the tools to help us skillfully deal with the pressures of 21st century living. I mean, how relevant is that now? And in particular by taking care of ourselves in all aspects of our lives. Jo, hello. Hi. So Jo, I asked you to come on to the show because I was having quite a difficult mental struggle, as I said earlier, and I and I wanted us to talk through it and for you to give your sort of insight and wisdom into how we can best approach it, deal with it, accept it, all of those things. So can I start by asking like, what are you noticing that's going on with you mentally and emotionally? How have you found this period of quarantine so far? Well, the word that comes to mind as you ask that question is actually a roller coaster. It has felt since this all really started, like, long, like, periods of up feeling, okay, I can do this, this is all right. To periods of really, is this the reality now? Where's this going? And how am I going to cope with this whole day stretching before me and then beyond that to, you know, some holidays? So there's. And then, of course, there's the fear of what if someone in my family catches it? The emotional impact of hearing about people I know and love feeling unwell and what might happen to them. And for the first week, I actually had to attend a funeral for something unrelated and really affected me in the deepest possible way. I wasn't expecting it. So that whole first week, I was unable to think about work. I couldn't function to take care of the house. Everything just fell to, basically. And I was really tearful, I kept crying and I felt really vulnerable. And I feel quite. I feel more kind of blessed in a way that I got that so early, that realization of what this was going to be, possibly going to be like. And I've been able to work with that since. So I haven't got as bad as that first week since I'm kind of much more, I suppose, even keel at the moment. But it does fluctuate all day, every day. And I'm really pleased that you're. Look, I'm not pleased that you've gone through a struggle, obviously, but it's nice and comforting to hear that from a mindfulness expert such as yourself that this is still a roller coaster, this is still difficult, this is still, you know, your emotions are playing havoc with you and you're up and down. And I had a very, very similar experience the first two weeks. Mine went on for longer. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't even record this show that I was supposed to record two weeks ago because my head was all over the place. I had no attention. Spanish. I couldn't even watch tv. I just cried, I screamed, I felt scared. I then felt immensely grateful. I was just, as you said, that roller coaster. But everything was so intense. So I know that if you and I are going through this and this is what we're experiencing, then I know that every woman, every person is going through this. But obviously this show is aimed at. At all the women. So how did you start to come out of it and start to sort of level off, do you think? Well, I think there Was an element of just really allowing myself to feel this way. I think that's always the first step to moving through how we're doing. I think when we try to not feel the way we're feeling in some way, or try to avoid it or distract ourselves, that the reality of it is the feeling doesn't go away. We might. We feel better, but it might hit us like a ton of bricks when we least expect it. Also, we might notice ourselves more irritable than usual, less able to cope. So it's that kind of surrendering, I suppose, which can be deemed a negative word. But I think there is an element of surrender that needs to happen that says, this is how it is right now and it's hard, and I'm actually finding this really difficult and being honest with the people in our lives about that. So not feeling that we have to be superwomen and fight through this and be super strong all the time. That sense that says, actually, can someone take care of me for a bit? Help me, ask for help. I actually reached out quite a bit to family and arranged for zoom calls so we could all get together at times so I could see them. And that process of this is really hard. From there, I could begin to see what wasn't so hard. I know that sounds strange. It was almost like the gratitude kicked in. What I also did, by the way, was stop reading. At that point, I stopped reading. I created three criteria for myself before I read anything, which was, is this helpful? Will it skill me up to do something practical? And will it give me hope? And will it make me feel better? So is it? Will it skill me up? Will it make me feel better when I read it? Will it give me hope? And if the answer was no, I didn't read it. Because what I found was the more information I was taking in at the time, Italy was just going through horrendous times. And the way it was being reported was incredibly emotional and anxiety inducing for obvious reasons, because this is what the news needs to do. So I decided to stop reading. And I got really into my book reading a great book at the moment and just spent. I never make time to read my book. And I sat on my bed and read my book and I just kind of did normal things, watched tv, which I never give myself time to do, that sort of thing, and then realized actually how lucky I was and how hard other people would be having to, you know, people, frontline workers, people married or living with frontline workers, people living on their own, people in so many different situations to mine. And I suddenly thought, God, what? Oh, actually that's amazing. I've got that, I've got that, I've got that. And that's what really helped me move through that period of time. There's so much self care in there, isn't there? And so many tools and richness and. And obviously you've done this work for many, many years. I mean, you've been meditating for over 20 years. So I assume that's been self development for over 20 years too. And if we could just, if we can go through those step by step, I think that might be really helpful for as well. For me especially and for anyone that is really struggling mentally and emotionally. Can we go back to what you said about the allowing yourself to feel? Because I think that is such a big hurdle for so many women that we automatically default into. I can't feel like this, like what you said. You know, I've got to be super strong and I've got to pull it all together and I've got to do the washing and I've got to clean every speck of dust in my house and I've got to be go, go, go. And you know, we listen to that voice of what we should be doing in inverted commas. And that's why this episode is called Silencing the Should, because I think that, that what we should be doing takes complete control over our being, over our senses, over our, over our rationale, especially in times like this. So that beautiful word that you brought in, allowance. Like people, I don't think we naturally give space that. So how do we even begin to do that? Well, I think we have to begin with a level of awareness. As with all things, it starts with knowing ourselves to some extent and giving ourselves some space and time to listen deeply. So did you know that we have between 60 to 80,000 thoughts a day? No. Oh my God. Has between 60 to 80,000 thoughts A DAY. And by the way, that's kids as well. I won't even tell you how many that is a minute. I think they've calculated about 500aminute. And these will range from observations and judgments to feelings, to conversations, to fantasies, all of that stuff. And what I was. What if you think about the quotes where our attention goes, energy flows. So yes, if we, if we are focusing our thoughts on what isn't working and what we should be doing, but we're not, and giving ourselves a hard time and letting that critic that you mentioned, that inner critic run loose, that will frame our Reality that we will see, that will be the filter by which we perceive all things in our life. If we begin to notice the quality of our thinking mind, taking some time just to be still, to notice. And when I say still, I don't even necessarily mean physically still. So there's a difference here between a doing mode and a being mode. So a doing mode is when we're just doing, we're just on it. What's next, what's next, what's next? Achieving striving, getting to the end point so we can move on to the next thing. This is what a lot of us have been living in for a long time without really noticing it. And as I know you've heard me say before, my dad taught me from a very young age that you know, we're human beings and there is some value in us tuning back into that being sense. And that doesn't mean cross legged on a mat, necessarily humming or omming or whatever it is you can be walking, but tuning into the sensations of the body. What that does is that helps us to reconnect with our deeper selves and gives us space to begin to listen more deeply to where we are, what train of thought we might have jumped on that might be really deeply unhelpful, where future we might be when we could actually be in the present moment. And when we adopt that awareness of our thinking mind, we notice that I should feel better, I shouldn't be feeling this anxious or I shouldn't be feeling this vulnerable or this out of control, right? I'm going to dust every bit of my house because that will help me to feel in control. We can pause that and say, well, is that true? And what's real here and what is the most skillful thing I could be doing? Now we might notice our body actually feels really tired. And the most skillful thing we could do in that moment is to sit down, have a coffee, read our book, sit with the kids. If you've got kids and they're doing something, you know, like dream on, but you never know, they might be, and then sit next to them. Hi, just take a moment. And it's only when we pause into that listening mode of where am I, how am I doing? What's going on for me right now? Can we begin that process of stepping out of the inner critic, the shoulds, the, the pressure we put ourselves under. I actually heard something today which you've just reminded me of that says it is a brave act to take rest for yourself. It is brave to stop and I love that you've said that. It's skillful actually to tune in and to allow and just to take that moment of checking in with yourself. Like, how do I feel right now? What is it I need right now? What will be the most positive thing for me to do and be right now? Like just, just that 10 second thought can change your whole day. It's so powerful, isn't it? Yeah. And. And it's just it. All it is is a pause. It's a pause into what? Where am I just right now? What, how am I doing? And actually when we do that, what happens over. We call all of this type of work a practice. We're just practicing what it might feel like to pause. This is not like you've got to do it and it's going to change your whole life. You're practicing something different and it may or may not be right for you, but all of this is a possibility. So you pause into how am I doing just right now, tuning in. What is it that I feel I need? What would serve me now and what that does Also it helps us to depend less on other people to provide what we need. And I think under the current circumstances that's really important to tap into our own wisdom and our own sense of resilience and resource that we all have. But we probably aren't particularly good at tapping into because we haven't really necessarily practiced it or needed to, especially at a time when other people might not be resourced to support us right now. Oh, I love that. And I've. It's. It's about going within, isn't it? Because whatever's happening within is within is literally within your control. And I, I don't, I hate that word control because it has better. Thank you. Choice. It's within your choice, did you say? Yes, choice is a. Is a more friendly term. So we, the ice idea that we can choose where we are. We can choose where we are. And also what that brings up for me when you say that is that we can choose where we want to be, how we want to be. But the only way, and I think this is what you're saying, correct me if I'm wrong, the only way that we get to choose how we want to be is by silencing that inner critic, pausing for a minute and just checking in with yourself on how you are. Is that right? Absolutely. Because until we know where we are, we have no capacity to choose where we want to be. So that's our starting point. And when I say where we want to be. Some people might feel that their anxiety is completely out of control right now, or their sense of fear. And they might turn around and say, but look at the world. Look what's happening. Of course, why wouldn't I be fearful? And that's absolutely right. However, that is one thing that's happening, and there are many things happening. So it's important to allow ourselves to have a broader perspective. And you will not hear me use the term positive thinking at all. Hooray. Hooray. This is not about changing where you are. It's about broadening to include what feels okay. Because within any situation, there will always be a range. There will always be what doesn't feel great, what feels hard, what feels challenging, and what makes us feel depleted. But within that experience, there will always be something or someone or an experience we can draw on or see more and see differently. That will support us to feel more resourced. So, for instance, whenever we're eating, let's just say. I mean, as I say, I really feel for people who've lost their sense of smell and taste from this condition. I lost my sense of smell and taste for two weeks. Two weeks. My. But for this one, this is just for people who are well and can taste and smell. And maybe now, Nicole, you understand, because when you lose it and get it back, it's like, oh, you appreciate it more than anything. So adopting that level of appreciation, as though you haven't had it, and now you do. And now you can smell some strawberries or taste what you're eating. So however bad things are for you, you might always have that opportunity to tune into that sense of taste and smell and the gratitude that comes with having a meal. How lucky we are. So when we do that, the body can be used. We use the expression as an anchor, as a way of bringing us into the present moment, of allowing us to experience the small joys that might be there if we choose to pause long enough to notice them. And it also allows us to pay attention to the things that we were missing before or not paying attention to before. Our awareness becomes almost smaller or more refined, or how would you say, just more in tune. So everyone will know. I'm sure everyone who's listening has had a period of time in their life where they were physically unwell. Maybe it was a flu or a pain or an illness. And let's say you were stuck in bed for a week or you couldn't. You had to use crutches or something. And also, it's. So whatever you're about to say is so relevant right now. Because we all know somebody that's sick or somebody that's been sick or, yeah, somebody. And everyone is holding on to their health for dear life. So it's adopting that attitude that happens the minute you feel better. You're hungry again after you've felt ill and you haven't been able to eat, you know, that first bowl of chicken soup or whatever it is that you have. I say that because as a child, my mom always gave me chicken soup. That feeling that you have when you think, oh, it's so good to feel good, and my body feels so much better and I can sit up and I can swallow and da, da, da, da, da. That doesn't last very long, does it? We think it will. We think we'll feel grateful forevermore, but it drifts away and we tend to lose that, that, that, like you said, that focus, that intensity. So it's a cultivation of this practice that says, oh, my gosh, my body feels good, or my leg might hurt, but the rest of my body feels okay. Oh, I love that. I love that. Because we are so attuned to focusing on the part of our leg that hurts rather than the rest of the body that is functioning beautifully. Yeah, yeah. Our digestive system, our heart, our lungs, our digits, you know, all these amazing things that are functioning day in, day out to keep us alive, to allow us to do the things that we want to do, to serve us, and we really only appreciate things when they go wrong. So that cultivation of practice that says, oh, actually, yeah, this feels okay, and my body is functioning and this tastes lovely and, you know, noticing textures as we walk on our feet. Because what that does also is when we come back to our body space, when you feel something or taste something or hear something, anything that's going on and up with our senses is happening in real time. And when we come back to our senses in real time, we are fully living our lives in that moment. We're fully present. We're open to all possibilities. When we then go back into our headspace and are busy planning what we're going to do next or having an argument in our head with someone, or we're remembering something, or we're fearful, we're lost, and we're not present, and there's very little possibility for our life in that moment. Oh, I love the way you speak, Jo. I mean, I do. I've always. The way you speak and it. And it sounds so simple, doesn't it? It sounds so simple. Just Be present, just be in that moment. Just enjoy the food that you're eating. Just, you know, really focus on the game that you're playing with your kids or the email that you're writing. Nothing else matters in that moment apart from that moment, but we do. We get so caught up in the noise and the nitty gritty of all the other stuff that we think we should again in inverted commas, be doing. And I think that, that that piece has kind of is hooking people around the neck and running the show. So all of these beautiful suggestions and invites and practices that you're bringing to us are. Well, for me, they, they feel very gentle and they feel very manageable because you're not actually asking me to go and do an hour and a half's meditation. You're actually asking me to be very mindful and present with myself and that's it. The other thing that, that, that comes up when you're speaking, that it's probably worth noting is that when we live in that present moment, moment way, when we tune back in and we notice maybe the shirts, the narration, that train of thought that we've got really good at, by the way, just because we practiced it for a really long time. And as you know, if you practice something, you get really good at it, like the piano, like anything else. So if we practice self critical thoughts and lots of shoulds, we'll just get really good at it. So what I would say is when we practice coming back to the moment, and it's an intention, we have to choose to do it. We mentioned choice earlier. This is all about making personal choices not dictated by anybody else, but your own desire to want to feel more calm and in control of your life. Or maybe not control, as we said, maybe more nourished by your life. What we need to, what can be very helpful is when we come back to the present moment is just that moment to moment awareness. What am I doing now? What am I doing now? What that does is it gives us a sense of agency over the moment. So we can only really control where we are in the moment that we're in. We can't control what's going to happen in July when you know, or in September. We really can't and we never could, by the way. If anything, this has just highlighted the reality of impermanence, that nothing stays the same and we never have control. And we've created a lovely illusion of comfort, of choice, of control over our lives that never really existed. So I think part of the problem for a Lot of us at the moment is this uncertainty is really hard for us to bear, but has always been there. We've just kind of not really acknowledged it. But this moment to moment awareness helps us from spiraling out of control in our minds as to what's the future going to be like, what happens if. When what. We can't control any of that. So it's really unhelpful really to think that way unless you're having a very practical kind of planning session in your mind. But how often are we actually doing that? No, it doesn't bring. So what you're saying is that that sort of relentless noise and that relentless. What should I be doing? Should I be doing this? What should I be worrying about? That, that kind of constant in the back of. I don't know about. Well, for me it is, it's. It has been a constant in the background of my mind. It doesn't serve anything, it doesn't help anything. It's not going to aid my growth, it's not going to help my children be happier. It's not going to allow me to feel, to move through this period peacefully and calmly and, and as the woman that I want and choose to be. All it's going to do is take, is rob me all of that beautiful, rich experience that we could be a part of. Right, right. And what it also indicates is that the body is in an activated state. Very often when we can't think straight, when we can't really see the wood from the trees and we can't see what's next for us, that's often because we've had what we call a threat reaction. There's a part of the brain called the amygdala which becomes activated and when that happens, hormones get released into the body to prepare to fight or run away from this threat. So the trouble with the threat that we have at the moment is it's fairly intangible. But that doesn't mean to say that we can have a practical, logical reaction to it. No, the brain, we feel threatened, so we're having this high threat reaction. We've had all these hormones released into the body, which by the way is quite unhealthy because we're not burning it off very effectively. We're holding these hormones in the body. We can't think straight. The part of our brain is required for thinking straight is not really required for saving our lives. So it's basically put out of commission just for this period of time. So what being present helps us to do is to stabilize our nervous system. And the one thing that helps that the most is our breathing. So tuning into our breath throughout the day can help us to clear our minds because we're deactivating that stress reaction, that sense of feeling threatened when we regulate our breath. Now I would suggest that anyone listening to this, that at moments during the day just notice your breath. I don't know about you, but I find I'm often holding my breath without realizing it or breathing very, very high at the top of my lungs. Or maybe it's quite a ragged breath. And when we start in that moment that we just notice our breathing, we'll start to regulate it naturally. We'll just naturally start. We'll probably end up taking a really deep breath in. Because when we notice our breath, we suddenly think something about it. There's something about the body receiving oxygen. It kind of. It's waiting for us to notice. As soon as we do that on the out breath, if we also choose to soften our body because we might also find that our shoulders are close to our ears at the moment, maybe our jaws quite tight. Oh yeah. Just notice that as you said it. Yeah. So we take that deep breath in and release. Let the shoulders go and soften in the body. And actually what then happens is the mind begins to soften, the limbic system begins to kick in. So we start to deactivate that. Sorry, that we deactivate that limbic system, the parasympathetic system kicks in, which means we can start to see more clearly, we can begin to be more skillful. We can notice those thoughts that we were talking about earlier and pause and come back to how do my feet feel on the floor just right now? What am I noticing? How's my breath? What's this cup of tea like? Yeah. So that pause is, is actually a life giver. Well, it is. It's a lifeline and it's. And it's a beautiful tool because in that pause. I was just writing some notes as you were speaking. There's. There's so many, so much value in that. There's appreciation, there's intention, there's the ability of making a choice, there's presence, there's understanding. What is here now, there's just, just in that one moment of pause actually brings so much peace and so much harmony if we allow it. If we allow it. And speaking to anyone that's listening to this, we are all horrific at doing that, at allowing ourselves to even. I was doing a coaching call last night and my beautiful client is Having a, you know, she's having a tough time, which is appropriate and understandable. And I spoke about this allowance of giving something to yourself, which I think so many women struggle with, because that, it's filled with guilt or it's filled with that we feel, we don't, we're not deserving of it, or, you know, there's so. There's so much negative stuff in that and, or even not allowing how we feel. So I've spoken to so many women that they're telling me how they feel. There is that awareness of it and then immediately making it wrong. Like, I feel scared and overwhelmed today, but it's fine because I just need to get my shit together and then I'll be okay. Well, why, why can't you just feel scared and overwhelmed today? Because that's how you feel. And of course you feel scared and overwhelmed. We're in a very, very scary pandemic where people are dying all over the world. The world is never going to be the same again. Of course you're scared, but we don't allow ourselves to sit in unpleasant emotion enough to feel it, process it, and then, and then be able to release it, I guess. How? Yeah, go on, go on. Well, I was gonna say, like, what is, how do you, what do you suggest? How do we do that? Like, do you think it's an important part of the process to really acknowledge what you're feeling, allow what you're feeling? And if so, which I think you probably will, just a massive assumption there. But how, how do you suggest that women can really allow that for themselves and without the guilt, and just sit with something that feels difficult? Well, the analogy I always like to use is the oxygen mask. So when you're on an airplane, who knows when we're next to one of those? But an airplane, if, God forbid, the oxygen mask comes down, you are required to put your own on first before you help anybody, even a young child, even someone desperately in need. You put yours on and then you help someone else. Why? Because you're no good to anybody if you're lacking in oxygen, if you aren't taking care of yourself. So it's a radical act of self care as taking care of others. You could even twist it that way if it really helped you to take that time out for yourself, you could really convince yourself you're really also doing it for everybody else. But you might just reap the benefit in the meantime. So in that pause that we've talked about, when we begin to notice, oh my God, I'M feeling really scared and overwhelmed, but actually I'm just going to clean the kitchen and I'll feel much better. Which you might, you might, don't get me wrong, but you might not. Or you might for an hour and then in two hours time you might not. There's that sense that says, what do I need? Because what that pause does is it helps us to really identify what, what do I need? Just right now. And it's only when we acknowledge that we are feeling fearful, anxious, resentful, whatever it is that might be there for us, can we notice our body? Can we notice the nature of what we're fearful of? Because very often with, with let's say we're feeling angry. If we were really to look at the anger, we're never just angry in isolation. It often comes with fear or shame. And when we really pause for long enough to identify that, then we have something to work with. What are we fearful of? And how real is that? What am I ashamed of? And what can I do about that? Rather than, I mean, that is so beautiful and such an incredibly brave practice to work through to be able to say I'm angry. But there's also shame and fear here. I mean, I think that takes so many years of this kind of awareness and work to be able to unleash that and unlock that. How do people even know how to get to that point past the anger? Because there's so much, there's so much, okay, anger's, you know, just one emotion. There's so much in anger, isn't there? It's such a heated, heightened way to feel. And there's righteousness in anger as well. There's so much righteousness in anger, isn't there? There's so much power in anger that I think you even have to drop that to be able to look within and say, okay, where's my responsibility here? What am I carrying here? It's just so hard to get there. It takes so much awareness and bravery. Yeah, that's why we call this a practice. Because anger is something that in months time, three months time, six months time, we're better able to identify. Maybe in the short term it's hungry. Yeah, you know, it's a process. It's not like we're suddenly going to have insight into everything. And it's an intention that, that, that says I really want this for my life. I'm, I've, it's an intent. What I find, because I teach the MBSR program, this is an eight week program of mindfulness as you know. And it takes people on a journey of this. Waking up to ourselves, to not only the thoughts in our mind, not only the habits that aren't serving us, not only our own righteousness, but also our physical being and tuning in and our own resources and our own resilience that we all have inside us. And by the end of the eight week program, what most people find is they can begin to move through their day with an intention to stay present as best they can. And with that intention, alongside that meditation practice, which can be hugely helpful, they begin that lifelong process of how am I doing what's here? How am I doing what's here? What's required for me just right now? What do I need? And it's that constant checking in like we do with our friends, but with ourselves. Yeah. And it's only through that practice of radical self care that we can then be in our best position to serve those that depend on us. I love that you say use the word radical self care because it is. Even though when you break it down, it is a moment in time to pause and say, what do I need right now? What would be the kindest choice for me right now that is considered radical. And I agree with you, it is radical and it is brave and it is stepping into something that can be so uncomfortable, yet so necessary, especially in these times. And as you're talking, I'm going through mentally my process over the last couple of days and I have not been the mother that I want to be. I mean, will I ever. Ha ha. She says, darling. Sorry, I didn't say that again, Joe. Well, any of us. Yeah, I mean, so. And that's a. That's a constant practice. And I. I've been in a bad mood. I've been very dual and I got my period this morning, so life feels a little bit easier. But that's also part of the process. You know, our hormones are also playing havoc with us and having to compare ourselves or not having to. But finding that we are comparing ourselves against how our friends are managing, how the people on social media are managing, how, you know, the celebrities that we follow are managing, how everybody seems to be managing better than us, which is not true because I'm here to say that however we are managing is real and truthful and, and honest. And one thing I said to my client last night is because she said she'd had, you know, really difficult day with her kids. And I said to her, that doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you an honest mum. A real mum. And actually something shifted for me in that too, because I have been struggling with my kids. Who hasn't been trying to keep them amused? Trying 24 hours a day and off the screens and all of the challenges that come with that is challenging. And I don't always get it right. And I'm definitely not always the Buddha that I want to be, far bloody from it. But I am in process and I am practicing and I am trying to be kind to myself. The one thing that I put. I put something on my Instagram stories yesterday. I said, you are doing the best you can with what you have available to you today. And I repeated it four times in four different stories. You are doing the best you can with what you have available to you today. And then I did a poll, do you need to hear this today? And 92% of women said, yes, I need to hear this today. So we all go straight to the place of, what I'm doing is wrong. Making every. Yeah, well, you know, we have a negative brain bias. Yes. Brain will always look for what isn't working, what we're not doing right, what needs fixing and solving. And the brain will then kick into gear. How can I make this better? What it's not very good at doing is noticing what's going, okay, back to my earlier point. So we might look back at a day and think, oh, my God, that was a complete disaster. As I did yesterday. I can't let that happen again tomorrow. You know, I've got to be more structured and have a plan and have activities, and I'm just sharing where my brain went last night. No, but I'm so happy because that's exactly where my brain was. So. Because I was day one yesterday of the holidays, and I was like, oh, my God, this is. This is horrendous. Like, we got to the woods, I was like, I'm in my happy place. And my daughter said, mummy, I need a poo. I'm like, oh, God, I've got to go home again. I wanted to weep. So it's like, okay, I'm not leaving the house until they've all sat on the loo for half an hour. Anyway, that's another story. So it's that kind of what was. Okay, what was. You know, it's really important when we look back at our day and we give ourselves a hard time about what we could have done differently and how it should have been much better and how we would be the perfect mother, X, Y, Z. But in that there would also have been moments that work really well, always. The whole day is unlikely to have been a complete and utter disaster and horrendous. And I bet the kids. I'm sure the kids didn't hate every minute of the day. We might have, but I'm sure they didn't. So it's about what was okay, really relishing those moments as well as allowing ourselves to dwell on what wasn't so good. And that is a broader perspective. That's the reality. The reality. I love this negative stuff. I love this. I love this. I love what you're pointing to. It's so vital. It's not positive thinking. It's not changing how we feel. It's just allowing for the fuller picture. That's the difference. Well, it's changing where your focus goes as well, isn't it? And as what you said before, what you focus on grows. So. And I came away from yesterday. Okay, so here's the reality. And I'm going to do this practice now, so it might help people at home that are listening to be able to put this practice into place for themselves. Yesterday, the only. I laid in bed last night thinking I was the worst mother in the world today. I screamed at my kids today. I have been irritated with them today, and I have felt guilty for working today. That was all that was going on in my mind last night. I actually had quite a restless sleep last night because of it. And I woke up this morning, went for a very long walk to try and clear my head before today's show. But it was all about the mother that I wasn't being. So here's now me going into Jo, your way of thinking and the reality of what happened yesterday. I. I launched a new podcast. I. I wrote loads of copy for my new podcast. I edited a new podcast. I edited a show from Femaling from this show. And. And I did two coaching calls. That's what I did yesterday. So. Yeah, but I didn't look. But I didn't look at any of that because all I'm looking at the time I wasn't spending with my children and stepping into the guilt of what I didn't do. But actually, now I feel a bit. Now I feel a bit better. Yeah. And another way of doing that is gratitude practice. And we can do that with our kids or with our partners or with friends. I know people who've set up WhatsApp groups purely as a gratitude practice. So every day you identify three things that you're grateful for that day, and it has to be that day. And the reason, there is a very particular reason for that. So you might have said, you know what, you might have listed three work things yesterday. One of them, you might have chosen to list something about the kids to broaden that perspective as well. But the reason that we do it for that day is because what tends to happen is the brain, if it knows it has to do that activity, will begin to look for it naturally. Yeah, I mean, actually, yeah, I mean, stuff came up for me immediately when you said that about feeling grateful that my kids are self sufficient, feeling grateful that they can make themselves a sandwich whilst I'm working. You know, I started to. You start to see it very differently. Yeah, exactly. And loving that it's not changing how I feel about something because my guilt is showing me that I wish I'd spent more time with my kids yesterday. But actually there's others. It's the reality of the bigger picture, as you beautifully pointed out. It also made me think of one other thing that's really worth noting. And I'll keep it brief because I can see that the time is coming up. But what I would say is one of the things that we do when we meditate, for those of you who've never meditated before, just so you know, meditation is not about clearing your mind. It's just noticing where your mind has gone and bringing it back to the breath or the body. What happens is when we do that, every single time we come back to the breath, we start again. It doesn't matter where we've been, we start with this breath and it can be perceived in the body and in our experience as a new beginning. Starting again doesn't matter. Let's just notice this one breath doesn't matter. If we get lost again in thought, we'll just come back and find this breath. And when we practice that, what we're also training ourselves to do is to start again in our lives each time. So if yesterday we had a really bad day where we weren't the mother we wanted to be, what we realize through this regular practice of coming back to the breath, finding the breath and releasing any should, should have been better at that breath, should have been whatever, releasing it, coming back with kindness, coming back with gently to this breath. When we practice that in meditation, what we're also learning to do is come back to, well, today I'll be the mother. I'll try a little bit differently to be the mother that I want to be. And I might get it right, and I might get it wrong. Today is a New day. Let's just try it. You know, we can get really stuck on what we haven't done and how we haven't been and what we should do, and that's okay. But then we can say, all right, well, how might it be different today? What could I do differently today? To feel like a different type of mother and then start putting that in place step by step, incrementally, moment to moment. So it's really. It's about what steps and what little minor changes can I make today to make it feel different and start moving closer towards that mother. I think I need to be. I mean, it sounds. You make it very. You simplify it all. And I love that because it is. It can be very, very simple and very brief. It doesn't have to take up any more time in your day to be mindful. And I remember doing the mindfulness course with you, and you gave us a activity where we had to be mindful. And my first thought was, oh, my God, how much time is this going to take? And you followed up with, I'll never forget this. It's not going to take any more time out of your day, I promise you. I want you to pick something that you do anyway, like cleaning your teeth or making a cup of coffee. Just do it mindfully. Yeah, yeah. Just pay attention. Because, you know, when we're brushing our teeth, we're brushing our teeth anyway. And it's. It's such a great opportunity to practice noticing where our mind goes when we brush our teeth and then making that intention to come back to this breath. Sorry, not this breath. This. What does this tooth feel like? This toothpaste. This moment. So again, it's. It's a. It's a. We call it practice. It's a practice. It's a practice of kind of being in the moment. What does this feel like coming back? New possibility. New possibility each time. And I love what you said about the breath being a new beginning every time. Just like opening your eyes, the next day is a new day, a new beginning, new possibility to tune into the part of yourself that you want to bring during that day. It's beautiful. Yeah. Step by step, step by moment to moment. And one moment we'll get it right and then we'll get it wrong. And then we'll get it right and then we'll get it wrong. And actually, that's okay. That's okay. It's. Then there is no right or wrong. It's only the right or wrong. We put ourselves pressure. Yes. Yes. You know, Stop following people who have the perfect life. If it makes you feel crap, why wonder, why are you looking at their lives? No one knows what's going on behind closed doors. We're all doing our best. So, you know, honestly, it's like, if people don't make you feel good on Instagram, stop following them. Yeah. And generally in life, if people don't make you feel good in life, just stop hanging around with them, stop talking to them, stop giving them any of your attention. They don't. They don't need to take up space in your world when it makes you feel bad. Listen, we. We do enough of that ourselves, don't we? We are so good at making ourselves feel bad. We don't. External people coming in to do that don't have the space. No, exactly. And. And there's. Yeah, we can only. We can make that choice to be kinder to ourselves every minute of every day. And if we were horrible a minute ago, now be kind. If you're horrible, just start again. Just start again. Doesn't matter. And I want to make a really important point here, and I'm going to put it in bold, neon flashing writing. We cannot do this. Wrong. No. No. We. We cannot be in a global pandemic. Wrong. There is no rule book on how to be in a global pandemic. There is no right way of being. There is no wrong way of being. And we do. There is not one person on this entire planet that knows what they are doing. And the reason that they don't know what they are doing is because not one person on this entire planet has ever been here before. No, not. Not in this. Not. Well, certainly not in this Western world that we've. This comfortable Western world that we've lived. Yes. Yes. Thank you for that. Yes. We certainly. We are so. We are. We have created such a comfortable life. We have no idea how lucky we are. And I think that the gratitude when we come out of this. Yeah. And I hope it stays. You know, like what you said about being ill and you feel so grateful for your health afterwards. I really hope that the gratitude and the perspective shift stays a little bit longer and changes people that little bit more so that we can all be kinder to each other and kinder and kinder to ourselves and kinder to our planet. Yeah. Let's start to see what limited resources we actually do have. Let really start to notice how fragile we are as a species and start not kind of embracing our part, you know, how interconnected we all are and how important it is that we are. We don't just make decisions in silo just about ourselves. We. Every decision we make affects everybody on the planet. I have a beautiful quote, actually. It's come up at the perfect time. Okay. I don't know who wrote it. I always like to quote who wrote it, but I don't know, it just sort of landed in my inbox and I want to share it with you all. We fell asleep in one world and woke up in another. Suddenly, Disney is out of magic. Paris is no longer romantic. New York doesn't stand up anymore. The Chinese wall is no longer a fortress and Mecca is empty. Hugs and kisses suddenly become weapons. And not visiting parents and friends becomes an act of love. Suddenly you realize that power, beauty and money are worthless and can't get you the oxygen you're fighting for. The world continues its life and it is beautiful. It only puts humans in cages. I think it's sending us a message. You are not necessary. The air, earth, water and sky without you are fine. And when you come back, remember that you are my guests and not my masters. You're gonna have to send me that. I'll send it to you. I'll put it on the show notes, actually, so people can see it. And actually, I sent it to my coach and she wrote back. She was blown away by it and she said, we. We are the virus. Yeah. And the universe is shutting the virus down so that it can breathe again and that we all understand what living really looks like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is definitely a lovely perspective to have again with the virus. It's important for us to remember that this too will pass as well, because it feel. Although we don't know when it will because, you know, look at the Queen. Anyone watch the Queen speech? Yes, I did. I did. Yes. They were very clever because they used an example of when the kids were sent off on the trains to be evacuated. And I just turned around to my husband, I went, oh, my God, can you imagine if we had to put our kids on a train to a family in the middle of a countryside we don't know, you know, in a time where they had no phones, no, you know, no communication, you know, but it passed, you know, that at the time was horrendous. That war went on for a long time, but they didn't know when it was going to end. So, I mean, that a for perspective, you know, we're at least the small unit families together, but also the impermanence that things come and they go. Look at the weather. Let nature be that teacher comes and it goes. The blossom that was there a week ago is going now. The flowers that you know weren't there yesterday are there today and won't be there next week. And so true is all of the things that happen to us, they come and they go and, and, and actually I just want to put a point in there that they come and they go in their own beauty, in their own time, regardless of they have no resistance. It's just does its own natural flow, its own natural growth, its own natural way of being because it's allowed to. And if we can be, yeah, absolutely beautiful and, and see this as an opportunity to navigate. All we're doing is navigating through this, all of us without any compass, without a map and we're just doing our best. But really tuning back into body is our best resource because it will support us to feel calm. And when we feel calm we can think more straight. So we've got five minutes left. Would you be able to sort of bullet points the process of how we can actually get mindful to actually stop in our tracks, stop the should like if you had to bullet point it? Well, it starts with intention. So a point I think I was trying to make earlier and didn't make is that most people that come to me come to me at the point in their life where they can't carry on the way they are anymore because it's just not working. They're not maybe they're not sensing joy in their family or in their job or in their life. They're experiencing anxiety or fear or they're just feeling life is moving too fast and they can't keep up or it's just passing them by. And once we get to that point in our life where we decide actually the way I'm doing it no longer serves me, I need to find another way of being. This is when mindfulness kicks in and it has to come from that part of us within ourselves that says I need another way, I need in my toolbox, I need to try something different now because unless you make that intention it won't happen. It just won't. So once you make that intention that says I'm going to give this a go, I'm going to be curious, I'm going to stick my kids kind of curiosity in my brain, I'm going to be curious about this and just see how it works for me with a light heartedness. So it's not a heavy practice. It's a lightness. There's a lightness there My intention is to pause throughout my day to taste the cup of tea, to feel my feet on the floor, to listen deeply to someone talking to me. To taste the food I'm tasting, to brush my teeth, mindfully tasting the toothpaste. To be present, to enjoy my warm shower, to feel the hot water on my body, to sense the soap. To lie in bed at night and do things, three things that I'm grateful for that day. To notice thoughts, especially ones that are negative, critical, shoulding all over the place and say, okay, I hear that. What can I do just right now that best serves me? To read a book. To not read stuff that makes us feel anxious or afraid or upset. To unfollow people whose lives we perceive to be better than ours in some way. To keep tuning back into the body. To breathe, to take deep breaths, to notice our breath, to stabilize our breath. Join me. On a Wednesday and a Sunday evening, I do a meditation live on Instagram and on Zoom. What time is that? What time is it, Jay? 9pm on a Wednesday? Sunday. Not this, not this Wednesday, but most Wednesdays and Sundays, a lot of that. This is actually a great time to tell people where they can find you and more of your work. The Breathe Academy is my website, so if you subscribe, you'll hear about the live meditations and the Zoom link, but you can also find me on Instagram, the Breathe Academy again, I do it live on Instagram and on Facebook, the Breathe Academy. So I do a lot of. I've got a lot of mindfulness kind of ideas on there that I've been doing 10 days of mindfulness I had going last week, and I repost my meditations on Facebook, my Instagram, I have it on for 24 hours. My meditations, they're about 15, 20 minutes long. It's really lovely session I do on a Sunday and a Wednesday night. Thank you. I mean, I know the people listen, I will definitely be tuning in and I know that other people will be too. There's one other try and do something of someone else. That's what I found, helped me hugely. If we've got the capacity to do it. Yes, I. I also, once I got better, I started making food for the nhs. And I have to say it. It really. I wasn't doing it to lighten my mood and to bring me a sense of joy, but it did, yeah, It. It felt like I was contributing in some way and I think contribution is totally vital here. Jo, I cannot thank you enough for coming back onto femaling. Your words of wisdom always touch my heart. And you bring so much value. So thank you. Thanks, Nicole. Lovely to speak to you. Lovely to speak to you. And stay. Stay safe. Stay healthy and stay home. Thank you, everyone, for listening today.