Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Free Your Mind. Let's talk about it with LKJ. Today I have a really special guest. She's a fellow presenter like myself for womensradiostation.com, and together we thought, you know what, let's put both our minds together so that people who are listening to Free Your Mind can see that we do talk, we do connect and we are there to help you. We've all got a journey and in our voice and our voice under Women's Radio Station is to support. When you come on to our shows as guests, we come on for the purpose and it is all about the purpose and the message and the message to, to relay on our own personal empathy is to show the listeners that somebody is there waiting. Eva, um, is a fantastic presenter for, um, women's radio station and has a very empowering story herself. She began her own journey when she asked help with her makeup for a family member following years of being unwell as a result of prolonged grooming and abuse as a child. Eva has also gone through other series of mental health issues, but dealt with that, but realized most importantly with her own healing that she had something to offer somebody else. To speak up and to speak out, it's one of the greatest things you can do in recovery of mental health. She has her own show called Healing Image High. I'm going to bring Eva in now because I want Eva to connect with my audience for us so you can understand the platform and how you can connect with Eva, um, who again, as I said, is a wonderful presenter on women's radio station. Hello Eva, are you there? Yes, I am. Hello, KJ. Thank you so much for having me as a guest on your show. As you say, I am too a presenter and present Healing Image High, and I use the name Eva May, so there aren't two of us, it's either or Eva May. And I joined the women's radio station fairly recently really, and it came along as an opportunity when I was at a time of my life where I thought I could 'Now take this on and actually really do this,' from somebody who didn't go out of the house for nearly 4 years. I used to— I got to my porch sometimes, I opened the door sometimes, but that kind of was how it— all I could do. And I decided, as you said, to, to go and approach some Uh, well, first of all, I started off by wanting some help with my makeup because I had a rather enormous breakdown. It wasn't my first. Um, I went through a Police Investigation Service, uh, in process into my historic abuse. So I've been ill for years and had symptoms which were treated and also given medication, but nobody ever really got to the, the sort of the bottom of it. And it's very difficult if— what personally I think that if you've been, um, through some trauma and it's unhealed, and in particular in my case when it happened when I was a child, the, the grooming started, uh, my whole family were groomed, but I was the target. When I was 4, and so the abuse went on for many years, and I, I had no words for it for decades. So it actually took, oh goodness, nearly, nearly, um, 25 years for me to actually say it. To somebody. And I've been through with people who then actually haven't been able or had the skills to help me. So I got— I just didn't look at myself. I didn't get dressed. I didn't get up. It was pretty, pretty awful. My kids had all left home. My husband was working. So it didn't really matter what I did in the day. And I did go and ask for some help with my image from a small sort of, well, a well-known makeup brand in a small department store, and they said I could only have the help if I sat on the floor of the shop. Well, I made an appointment and did that on a busy Saturday, and it was awful. It was just— I just wanted to be anywhere but there. Everybody, people were stopping and looking at me. I couldn't see myself at all during this process. The makeup consultant, I mean, she was very, very nice, but she was putting on things that I had no idea what was going on, where or how or what to do with it. And there was a time limit. I was then given the mirror, and what I saw was a complete shock. I looked like I could have performed in a West End show. I had so much makeup on. There's no way that, you know, I could go out like that. It wasn't me, and I could never ever replicate it anyway. So, and I also was sold a lot of products. Well, I bought them because they said these are what you need. Um, I've never used those actually, so I asked for some help from my cousin who worked in fashion, and she put me in touch with a friend of hers who was Karen Franklin, MBA. And Karen is, is well remembered for presenting The Clothes Show for the BBC and The Clothes Show Live, and I think That went on for about, I think it was about 12 years the show ran, and it was extremely successful and popular. And I heard of friends of mine taking their children, their parents, going up to the live events. And I mean, my poor kids didn't stand a chance with me ever going anywhere near anything like that. And I actually think there's a gap for something like that, to be honest, would be quite good in a way to connect with fashion and image because things have changed. And what I found most interesting was learning about products, learning about my skin, being able to have some knowledge. And, and I'm now able to do my makeup. I've had help with clothes. There, my Healing Image High website does show, um, pictures that were taken on a shoot day that, um, Karen arranged for me at my home. And, you know, they show my team that helped me, and it was the most amazing day. I was sort of a center of attention. I've never liked being in photographs, but on this day I absolutely loved it. But that's not my everyday, all day, every day. That's— that was one very special day, and not every single day is like that. I have had to be told by doctors that there's not much help for me in the UK. Um, I've nearly lost my life several times, but it's because I have complex PTSD or, um, and DID, so dissociative identity disorder. And this is a complicated one really because it means that my— when I was being abused, and my abuse went on for years, like years and years, and my— I just would leave my body so that I didn't have to deal with it. It was a way of surviving. And I have now parts or alters, and I can switch alters during the day several times and not remember a single thing. Or some of my parts actually caused me to to self-harm it to such an extent that I come round from a coma 6 days later in an intensive care unit, not knowing if I'm going to live because of the damage that's been done to me without my knowledge. So it's a really frightening thing, and it all makes sense now I'm being told about it. So yes, it's about image, but I still have to be on this learning journey and try— I take responsibility for what I have, and I don't feel ashamed of it. Um, I've got a family who are sick of it. It's really, really been extremely difficult as carers, and they've not really had any support. So I, I went to a rehab in the United States, in Arizona, and that was 7 years ago, and it was like nothing I've ever experienced here. It was an absolute great model of information, being very busy, being very focused. And we got taken out. I did an awful lot of equine therapy, which I found— well, everybody there benefited so much from this therapy. And I would like to try and raise awareness that other forms of therapy like equine and the model that was used— the place I went to was called Cottonwood. There's only 23 residents. You get an awful lot of one-on-one, an awful lot of specialist care. It and physical activity and creative stuff. So nothing that's like here, but you have— it's expensive, it's extremely expensive. Um, and then I came back to seeing a therapist who was not good for me, not good for me at all. I mean, and I knew it, I could feel it in my gut. I wasn't getting better, and I, I had to take this person to their governing body for a, a tribunal. And I would say to people that this was sort of therapist number 16, and, you know, I'd never actually got— ever got to the right one. And our relationship lost boundaries completely. So if something doesn't feel right and you are seeing someone and you're not getting the service that you really need, then don't be afraid to, to mention it and talk to their governing body. Because through that, then people can be, be trained and, you know, educated. And, you know, they do— I know they have supervision, but Um, you know, the world of mental health is training— is changing. Not everyone has the training. So it's only— it's not even a year ago that I was 20 minutes from death, and I was found by one of my kids actually, which is pretty awful for them. And, um, got to hospital, we had to have— I mean, I can't remember a single thing. We had the police, the ambulance, fire service, and air ambulance at our home to try and get me downstairs and to hospital in time to save my life. And it was from that point that the NHS Trust, which I'd also been a public governor for, actually, for mental health and social care. But I left because I didn't like the way that was run or their objectives, and I didn't want to be associated with it. And they said, we can't actually help you, we've got no services to help you. And that feels horrible because feeling unmanaged when you've told somebody and you've asked for help and there isn't any, it actually puts you in a desperate place. I then had to go— we had lockdown, so I had to go through some extremely distressing and rigorous assessments by a clinical psychologist, and the results of those showed that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, which was good to get that diagnosed. But the thing about the UK is that NICE, so N-I-C-E, who produce all the guidelines for treatment within the UK, don't recognize it. So there isn't any help, there's no— there aren't specialists. And I'm now got funding through really the support of my GP to be at the Clinic for Dissociative Studies in London, where their, um, the consultant psychotherapist that I see is trained in Europe for dissociative identity studies because Europe, they recognize it and train the US recognize it and train. And I think it's a funding issue that the NHS here aren't funding it. So I actually can't find a psychiatrist in the UK who is trained in the European Society for Dissociative Identity Studies to review my medication, and I've been on the same lot for 7 years. So I'm not the only person out there that has been through what I've been through, but I am one of only 50 people after 33 years of being a service user for mental health services to be fortunate enough to have, have got to the Clinic for Dissociative Studies. But it nearly cost me my life to get there. And I feel— I've never felt so much, so supported in my whole life. The therapy I get is 2-hour sessions a week, so in one go, and then another hour spread over the week to use how we plan, or if I suddenly feel I need to say something, or I want to send an email, a text, a WhatsApp, or schedule in a call. So I feel very well supported and very well understood. But I know I've got a heck of a lot of work to do, and my treatment is predicted to last 6 years. So there's an awful lot of unhealed trauma. There's an awful lot of things that people who know me think I'm a bit maybe quirky, or I don't know, but it's not really that. I actually don't know sometimes quite what the appropriate way is to behave because my life hasn't been really as it should have been, and I can say things that people are look and think, can't believe that came out of your mouth. And it's like, oh no, no, I shouldn't really have said that. That's because of, you know, what I went through. I— my language is slightly different. Um, so yeah, so I've tried to get guests onto my show to talk about image because it's definitely important to me. And, um, I I'm also taken part in the Truth Project. That was not so long ago, and that was hard going. It's the government's independent inquiry into historic child sexual abuse. 6,000 survivors, so including me, went forward for that, and that was, that was a hard thing to do, but I feel it's a worthwhile thing to do. And the support that they gave— because I made absolutely sure what it was before I entered into this— they're going to, um, release the findings of the investigation, um, soon in the spring 2022. And I've actually got, um, someone from the Truth Project, or a couple of people, who are going to talk to me on the show. And I really hope that, you know, it's taken 4 years for them to do it, and it is a government-led thing, that there is going to be some funding, because I think it's going to take a huge injection of cash to train people and to really try. And I think mental health— I don't know what you feel— I feel the services offered because you have charities as well. It's quite fragmented and difficult to know who to go to. And I've certainly met many people who are receiving treatment through CBT where it's really not enough. There's not enough of it. They don't get that many appointments, and what they do get are rather spread out. And they certainly don't get information so they can do their own sort of homework or reading around, because I read about everything now. I'm— and I'm very receptive to try and understand how I can use this to enhance, you know, my standard of life, quality of life, and that of my family. And also by using the radio and talking to people like you. So yeah, that's basically it in a nutshell. But the one— that's the one thing that has really changed my life in the last 6 years is getting my dog, my first ever dog. And, um, Could have been a disaster, but oh my goodness, she is the reason that I got outside and was able to leave the house. And I still go out with her when I go somewhere, and if a shop doesn't take dogs, then they don't take me because she's my sort of emotional support. Animal, and she's also a dog. I was going to say a person. She's also somebody, something that has given me friends. I've got friends now who I've met who've got dogs, and they are friends I would never met before. They are really brilliant friends, and we formed like such a lovely group that we actually meet every single morning. So I get up, go for a walk with my dog, and then we all meet for a coffee and we have what we call morning briefing, which is just basically a really nice time spent together, or we support each other when there are things that people need help with. And one of, one of our group Um, her, his, her husband passed away during the night in December at a very young age. And, um, yeah, it's been extremely tough, but I'm not sure what she would have done without us all, to be honest, in the same way that I don't know what I would have done without them. And It's, yeah, so I think the importance of talking is extremely— it is very easy to isolate yourself but make it seem as if you aren't by using social media. But I really don't think at the end of the day it can replace the benefits that you get from actually talking and getting to know people and having it, you know, like a really, really good laugh with them and, and doing stuff that's, that's fun. So I mean, I lost my job. I, um, worked before I had my kids. Um, I then had one, thought that was okay, didn't really think about that. I thought one was great. And I went and had another one, and a year later she got diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. And overnight our world just changed. She was on a 3.5-year treatment program at Great Ormond Street, and that— I mean, find the strength from somewhere and just keep going. And so, so, and it's isolating as well because you're, you are isolated when you have a very sick child, and it's very upsetting and distressing for your family and friends. And to be honest, there's not a lot of time to catch up and talk to them because You're in hospital a lot. You're in hospital when it's planned, when it's not planned, because they get infections. And I had another, you know, I had a son as well. So life changed a lot then, and I obviously had this huge focus. And I was— my daughter had some nerve damage as a result of a particular type of chemotherapy. And it left her— it didn't think that she would be able to walk or to talk. So I was then based in this situation where we had to do physiotherapy, we were swimming, we were doing speech therapy, we were sign language, we were special, you know, special groups, we were hospital groups, we were this, that, and the other. Well, I don't know how, and I was pretty tough with her, with her, her sort of physio and trying to make her do things and build up her strength, that my, um, she's going to be 28 on Friday and she is a doctor and she wants to be a pediatrician. So, you know, I, I think my kids are hopefully not too affected by living with a mother like me. I've seen a lot they shouldn't have seen. And I now have, um, I have a third daughter, a third child. So I've got a son, two daughters, and she's 24. And she lived too. They've all gone. I mean, they've all left home. Don't know what was wrong with home, but anyway, they've gone. Uh, two are in Ireland, not anywhere near each other, and, uh, one is based in, in London. So, um, but we do talk about it. They do know, they, uh, know they can ask me anything about it. And sometimes there are things where they say, Mom, We don't really want to know that bit, you know. It's difficult for them to— I know that they supported each other a lot when I was going through the police process because I fell apart and I was having to do this after work. And my, my work, I, I, um, sort of retrained when I'd got my kids and they'd all gone off to school, so I went back to university and retrained. And I worked extremely hard to have 3 kids and get a degree and then go on and take it to a vocational job, and I did that for 20 years. Well, I think things have changed now, but at this time the police had to tell my place of work for safeguarding. Now, safeguarding can mean a lot of things. In this case, safeguarding meant them rocking up unannounced in a marked police car to my place of work to see my boss and tell them. And nobody was prepared, and there was nothing in place to support me at all. In fact, nobody talked to me about it. It just caused an awful lot of conversation and as to why a police car had come. And, um, I wasn't popular for it at all. And a lot— yeah, they didn't renew my contract, so I haven't worked since. And I don't work. I, I do the Women's Radio and try, and that, that is what I want to do. I like speaking. I did speak before lockdown at the Federation of Image Professionals International, which are known as FIPPI, so F-I-P-P-I. I was invited to be a guest speaker at their annual conference in 2019, which was in London. And I mean, it's like, right, so I'm going to speak to all these image professionals from all over the world, and what on earth am I going to wear for this one? So, um, I did actually message Karen Franklin about that and said, Karen, like, what shall I wear? She said, you will know. And I did, and I was so welcomed, and I so enjoyed speaking to them. And at the end they were saying like, where can we get your book? Well, I don't have a book yet. I mean, I think I do have a book, but, um, my book is rather in my head, my laptop, and on the radio. So that's something that I am hoping to do. I don't want to go into any sort of details about what actually happened. I don't want the misery side of it to be spoken about or read about by anybody. It's more— which is why I have Healing Image High— it's about the things that I do in my life, the things that I've removed from my life, like people who have had a negative effect on my life and haven't changed, I don't see. And I can recognize that that is a good thing to not have those people around. Not always an easy thing. Isthing does split families up, definitely, and that has happened in our case for some, uh, some of the people but it's how it needs to be for our family unit. So that's what I, I want to do. Um, you know, I'm creative, I love people, um, and I'm very grateful for the support. I never thought this would be my life. I thought I would continue working, but you can— in your mental health, it has to come first. And it could— my family are like, sometimes they think I'm a little bit too— it's all about me. And I do not mean that at all. But, um, and I don't know if this is related to what's happened to me, but I don't actually I don't have a functioning bladder. My bladder stopped working. It's a muscle. So if you're in a— you've had experienced trauma and you are in a state of fight, flight, or freeze, so you're in a survival place, which is a good thing to do at that time, all your muscles are tense. Well, the bladder's a muscle, so that's been tense for years for me. I was just given up. So that was, uh, yeah, that wasn't good. But, um, so I have to self-catheterize forever. It's not going to ever come back. It's gone for good. Um, so it's like, well, that's not really very fair to suddenly go and get that. But anyway, we have that. And then last June, so we're not even a year away, I, um, I did actually suffer physical abuse, and most of that was to my head. And, um, I've got damage to, to my jaw. So, uh, because blows to the head don't really show. And so last June, I had to have a bilateral jaw joint replacement. So Both sides of my jaw are medical-grade titanium, and my new jaw and I haven't been together for a year yet, but we're getting there because it feels extremely different, and it's quite a major thing to do. And it does— I think my speech has changed, and it does, but it's a lot better. I mean, I couldn't— I wouldn't have had a jaw if I'd carried on for much longer because it had all basically crumbled, but So I, I think that, um, I, you know, I'm more prone to physical things too. And when I've tried to tell the medical profession, like for my physical health, about my mental health, they— when I say I have dissociative identity disorder, because I've got no trouble in saying it, they don't know what it is. And there's no care package for somebody who's going to need, you know, major operation or going through something that's a permanent, like, shutdown, like my bladder, that they can understand how that can some way link back to pushing me back into trauma, into helplessness. And, um, 3 weeks ago I had a fall, um, I'm 56. I mean, I'm not that old. I shouldn't start falling over just yet, but I had a fall and I must have been knocked out for about 20 minutes. And I was taken to a medical facility and I have got— I've broken my shoulder in two places and it was also dislocated, so they had to put that back, which was not nice. And I got concussion, and I've got absolutely no memory of how on earth this happened. But I don't know if my brain is always a little bit vigil— more vigilant than it needs to be, so my body's not completely relaxed, because the more you go out, the more places you go to, the more triggers are potentially there for me to trigger in flashbacks. Or, um, does that make sense to you, Elke J? Yes. And, you know, for the listeners that have been listening to this very in-depth, um, story that Eva has shared is why she has a gift. And when we're discussing, and as you know, the conversations come over to myself now to reach back to Eva, in when we free our mind about things that have happened and you listen and you listen into great depth on the platform of her voice. So when we deal with somebody like Eva in, in the world of the mental health. When you're sitting there, and first of all, you are so brave. Thank you. Wonderful person. And let's just start before we continue on this. First of all, here's Eva May. Eva May does not feel aligned with her body. There's an outer connection, and that outer connection that sometimes you think that you don't feel that you should be in that body, that you should— it's alien to you. And you look in the mirror and you'll get a reflection of yourself and then, well, that's not me. Yes. Like that. Or if you see a photograph, someone's taken a photograph, immediately you come back and you self-harm yourself with your mental health, say, I don't look like that, I'm too fat, I don't like this, I don't, I don't know, that's not me. Why have you put me into this person's body? And then sends triggers. And we have to be very, very careful about the triggers and how we speak to somebody that's had that, you know, for families or people. And one of the things being now, Eva, is there is more awareness with mental health. But let me just say to any listeners out there, there are people that believe they can help somebody with mental health. And, you know, for you as a business, first and foremost, we are not just a mere body that is made up of biological organs and cells in the form of science. We are a person, no matter how we look, how we are shown to the world. We are human being. That human being has reactors, reactors that is controlled by the strength of our brain. Our brain will send the signals to make your hands work, your leg to work, your nerves. Everything is controlled by the brain. The brain then, you know, aligns with our heart. We have to look after our bodies that are going through there. And for Eva, Eva was born, and Eva May Pearson is a woman that God put on this earth for a reason. She was put on this earth because, A, she's beautiful. Inside this body is a beautiful person, and her name is Eva May Pearson. Eva May, beautiful richness inside when you look on that. And when we say about how we clothe and make up, these are all masks that we put on ourselves. When we go to that wardrobe, it's a mask because sometimes we're putting that on, that coat that you don't want to wear because you think it is what that other person expects of you to do. If you go to work, I have to put put this uniform on, we are all unique, we are the same. If you are a flight attendant or anything, you put that on to show the company's logo who you are. But when we have the name badge that's on there, that name badge says, I am this person, but I work under this company. In our country, We have protected characteristics. We have disabilities and equalities, and businesses need to reach out. And what you do by employing somebody with mental health issues is you're opening up and showing that you believe, you support, you are humanitarian, you you support in the welfare of another person. So for Eva, who did get joy in her job, because she had a mental breakdown, was stripped away from her. Yes. Yes. You know, Eva, you are not worth— so for you, in your mind, somebody suffering with mental health is told you are not good enough, you're worthless, you're a negative person, you have negative energy,— you have this and you're like, "Help! Help! I am not this person. I have a problem." But the world is made up of so many individual people because we're all individual. We are all individual from when God created us, put us on here. And, you know, that's why he created so many animals, so many different people, because we have to be diverse. But with equality to accept this. When the government is recognising there are different channels of mental health that are going on and they don't know with the research, then lend towards the United States or the other countries. Like with COVID we were the first one with a vaccine. You were put on the highly clinical vulnerable list, as was I. Because— but people, when they look at you, cannot see why. They criticise, they judge. Oh, did you have that happen? Because it happened to me. People were most indignant that I was in the high-risk group and called before them. Like, why should you have it before me? Why should you have to explain yourself? Discipline is something that is actually people doing— with disability, when you get a disability badge, and I get so frustrated with this, when you see somebody goes into a place and you see somebody criticizing that person when they're getting out of a car because they see their eyes— well, what are you parking there for? You could walk. So, but you don't know if you could fall at that moment. I suffer with Todd's paresis and epilepsy. Okay, Eva, and with mine, my body, my brain shuts off. Okay, I have an epileptic seizure, not one where I'm throwing and battering on the floor like some of my fellow people who suffer with this, but my body then paralyses me at any given moment without any notice, any time, and traps your body that you physically cannot move. And it's called Todd's paresis, and it is an offset that what happens after an epileptic seizure. You don't know when it happens. You can lose all the use of your bowel. And, you know, I've been in some very situations of being in that, like you said, with the loss of your bladder. But do you know what? I'll wrap that coat and I'll walk. But it does prevent you from going out. It makes you feel worthless. It makes you want to pick up the nearest bottle of pills and kill yourself. Yeah, it makes you want to give up because you feel worthless, you feel useless. But you know what, Eva, you're not. You're not. No, I know. There's, um, there's a book that my kids when they were young used to, to read, and we still have it, and it, it's about Eunice, and it's an American book. Because I love, I love books, and especially for the kids. So, Eunice— I like the concept of Eunice. So it's what we all are, we all have our Eunice. And it starts off by saying, from before— something like, before you were born, the world had a space. Nobody knew you, but there was your place. Even like, even though you weren't born, the world, you had a place. And that's true, there was this, there's a space, there's a space. You know when you say you've got your days and what you're doing, and for anybody, and this is why people may question, well, how come Eva is a presenter of a radio show? She is one of the best person you could ever connect with in a radio interview. For one reason, because she's felt pain. She knows what pain feels. She understands the frustration of it. She understands when families do that. She understands when she's trying to tell you as somebody to come on her show, what's the business, say who you are with mental health, to employ more. They're not— we're not lunatics that running around your office that's going to do— in actual fact, they give out more because if there's somebody speaking, then you could be used as that person to go to a quiet room to ensure that you are looking after the mental health and well-being of that person. Because Eva May Pearson has so much empathy, so much passion, so much purity in it, and she is worth something because she's gold dust. That's what she is. Because when some people are autistic, their minds are so fantastically brilliant, but their brain runs faster than the other one, so they're labeled and put over there, you know, to go in. These are people that create absolutely amazing stuff. You create, and you have created, Eva, a platform, a fantastic platform on your show for people to open up and come and get healing. Your show is called Healing Image. Hi, I love saying hi to yourself. With me, it's free your mind. I'm free because let's open up that goddamn mind to the whole world and say, this is me, this is my biological chromosomes, this is me in science, this is me, and this is what happens with all the different reactors in my body that align. It's an all-encased whiskey. On that skin. I am naked and you are naked. My eyes are blue, your eyes are brown. Yours are brown. Now I'm going to go out and this is who I am in my journey that's going off down the road, right? Okay, you know, to go around. What we have to do most importantly is always believe you are worth something and you goddamn are worth more than any millions in a bank. Because of who you are. You have a wonderful family that have this stuff. Yes. What we learn to do is to get the negativity out, because when you are a sufferer of mental health, negativity can trigger emotional stuff with us. And we don't sit around. I will not allow in my mind any form of negativity. As neither you can, Eva, neither can many of the guests or listeners allow negativity to come in. It unbalances you. It brings on attacks, anxiety. It can bring on an epileptic attack. If you see, you can't breathe and you get panic attacks. I can't do— I can't do this because of fear. Let's not fear nothing because God didn't put you here to fear. This is why, Eva, when you've had this incident and that's taken you to a police car and all that, because you're screaming out because your body didn't know what to do. No, and I think looking back at the one that was not so— well, it's not even a year now, and— Well done you! Thank you! I know, and it was, I mean, it was so horrendous, and like one of my kids drove over to the hospital with some things for me, and she crashed the car on the way home. She was just so upset about it. You know, she wasn't allowed to see me. Yeah, and get you down to that because it could send a trigger. Yeah, and they understand. Be very careful with the triggers. Yeah, they understand that. Something happened, um, something that I— it, it shouldn't have happened. It's not acceptable. Someone was a bully and, uh, wrote something about me that was extremely nasty and unkind, and I couldn't make sense of it. And it went over and over and over in my mind, and in it. I became so absorbed, obsessed. I couldn't— I just could not understand it. And because I can't understand why I was abused— I used to think I was born bad, so that was why. But now I don't think I was born bad at all. Something bad happened to me. So if, if something happens I can't make sense of that is a risk of a trigger. And this, this occasion, that's what happened. So no, people who write or say or do something to me that does harm me and causes me to try and justify why, I'm afraid the line has to go then. Because, you know, like my poor kid, like, she turned up home having crashed the car. My husband opened the door, she's absolutely in bits. He thought I was dead. And, um, you know, I, I, I was looking on the LinkedIn feed today, and what really concerns me too is these, uh, DWP sort of benefit claims suicides too. Yes, because they are not trained enough. They're not medically trained at all. They are told, they are a uniform. Let's go to and deal with that while you've brought that very good subject up. And for anyone, you know, that works for, you know, for PIPs that are giving these forms that come through a door, and I understand because of the fraud and stuff like that, There is medical evidence there for what that is. Do you know the harm that is caused and can send somebody when they're filling in a PIP form? And I don't believe anybody should physically— suffering with mental health should fill this form in. They should come, or somebody, when it does ask a professional what is wrong, to ask the person to explain and write on that piece of paper Do you have yourself? How many times do you think this attack will do it? How long do you— you are opening that person up to so many mental health triggers. And let me say to any listener or any government official or anyone listening, there has to be change in how you get people to fill in these forms, because when there are disability that cannot be seen and you have to prove yourself, see what Then you send people, and I do know, Eva, of people that have got so worked up and the triggers have gone, that have gone there and they have gone, I can't do that. They don't believe this. People are going to stare at me. It sends a spiral out of control mental trigger and sends anxiety, says I'm not worth it, to actually put a little bit of money a month because nobody in society will give them a job. Because they're too frightened, because they think they're not worth something. That you've— the encasing of that mind is wrong. It should not be done like that. It should not be done. That should be done by the doctor when they've gone, that is filled in and automatically sent in on behalf of somebody on your medical records as highly clinical vulnerable to be done on your behalf. I mean, they, um, okay, at the moment I'm going through the appeal process because they stopped mine. And the ridiculous thing, right, did you do the radio show or something like that? No, no, no, nothing to do with that. In fact, my condition got— well, I informed that— I think it was a normal assessment, and I also phoned them up and I said, you know, I've now got detrusor failure, which is to do with the bladder, and I also have, um metal in my feet. Um, I don't have very good balance, so I've had, um, yeah, I use a lot of damage to my feet. That was another thing from my, uh, my abuse too. So, um, I, I, I, you know, and I do fall over because my toes aren't normal length. And, um, anyway, so they sent me an appointment to an assessment center that was about 40 miles away from where I live. Now, I'm not very good at driving alone or driving where I can go. I get very anxious about it, so I don't. I stay pretty local or have someone drive me. But there's an assessment centre in my town, so I phoned them up and I said, uh, just wondering why you're sending me 40 miles away, which I can't do. When there is a centre in my town. Now, this was 1.3 miles from my home, and they were like, "Oh, you can go there if you want to." Well, obviously I do. So I go and I park in Sainsbury's car park and walk across the road and go for my assessment. Now, one of the paragraphs, and it was quite a big paragraph, as to why they were taking my PIP away was the fact that I drove to the appointment. Well, if I can't drive 1.3 miles in the town that I've lived in for 33 years to Sainsbury's car park where I've shopped for 33 years, then there's a real problem with the help that I've had. And the other issue is, um, we went to— I now have an advocate because it's got that bad. I mean, I've lost— I've cried. It's physical pain. It's pain that feels like it's going to rip through you. It's desperation. They, they've lost my paperwork. They've even lost my, um, consultant who I'm under now. She has sent things in recorded delivery. They've lost that. Well, she keeps all her things. I've gone to a judge and all of this was written out. I didn't attend personally, my consultant psychiatrist did, because I am deemed a high suicide risk. And when she actually— they actually came and did this review they— the court papers put the wrong date on the whole thing. They put 2020, and we're not— we're in 2022. And it's caused all this confusion, it's made everything wrong, and then we now have to go back and have a tribunal about the tribunal. And my psychotherapist message the DWP and the court to say I'm extremely worried. I mean, I need the money to get myself to my therapy, basically, and because I don't earn a thing. And as you know from the radio, you know, we have to find— it's not-for-profit, so we find the money to cover the cost of a broadcast. And They said to my consultant psychotherapist, despite having all the paperwork from my NHS Trust discharging me, you know, every single thing that we could think of has gone in, because they said anything that's not relevant, we're used to sifting through. But that doesn't mean— it means we lose. And they have said, well, if she's that bad, get her to phone the Samaritans. I mean, how awful. Can you imagine how awful? But that shows there's not the training. Generally, I will say that it's there. I know CODIS has done it. My thing is, Eva, when you're somebody like yourself which is sending the triggers, there has got to be a better way because, you know, it does send people that have lost their lives and they've had to make statements. It's terrible that people Families are now wanting people to go to the Secretary of State and investigate benefit deaths. And I think that we can't be this society, surely. We don't want to be this society. I mean, we're not talking an awful lot of money either, are we, really? But, um, I've even read where, um, people who, who work and do the assessment scores are— have left and have stated that they are encouraged to find cruelty points. So ways that— because it's all quite subjective. I mean, when they wrote this paragraph about me driving 1.3 miles, although they didn't have any idea of the distance, they hadn't put the postcodes in or checked, it went on about the cognitive requirements to drive a car, the physical thing of driving a car, the coordination skills, the hand-eye— I mean, honestly, it was a complete copy and paste job and insulting that, you know, I should be able to— I'm wanting an independence payment I should be able to drive 1.3 miles and do my shopping, one would hope. And the whole point is, by giving this, is to give you a life that you are worth something. That, you know, with social services, etc., they encourage you to have an independent life, to feel that you are worth something. With people going against— well, actually, if you've got in that car and driven, she You know, the fact that you've got in and you felt comfortable, you've done, you know, you've met with somebody that's got the dog because it's internal and things that will happen with you on your mental state to do that is the fact that you've gone, you've been able to see someone. Hello, Mother Teresa. A simple smile can change somebody. You could have got in there and thought, I just need to go and see somebody. I feel like I'm going to do this. Where you go in, and you smile to see it, then to be told, well, actually there's nothing wrong with you because you can do it, which is completely wrong against evidence that shows different. And we would all rather, and I was, you know, like for yourself, not have this evidence and be back and employed. Yeah. By somebody. But our show is coming to an end, Eva. It's so quick though. Yeah. Completely quick to get that out. So for anybody in there, always remember when you mental health or anything like that, go and find somebody that will help you with these forms to fill them in. But more importantly, as Eva May Pearson, our fellow presenter on Free York, on women's radio station, we are real human beings, people. We're not just these superstars behind a cover of a show. So on that note, I thank you for today's show, and goodbye and see you on the next show. Thank you, okie dokie.