Get Booked – Dr Tony Ortega, Enlightened As Hell 071122

Hello and welcome to another episode of Get Booked with me, Hazel Butterfield, and I am such a huge book fan. I love doing this show. Get Booked is all about talking to authors chatting about anything and everything books related and all the joy, enlightenment, and escape that good books can provide. Sit back and let us entertain you with a different guest each week, sharing who they are, what they do, and what inspires them. On today's show, we're going to be discussing the book Enlightened as Hell: How to Be Spiritual and Not Be a Dick by Dr. Tony Ortega. This was published on the 10th of October of this year, which is of course World Mental Health Day. This book is geared towards people who want to be enlightened or simply live a better life, yet feel they can't do so because of the past and/or current state of the spiritual world. Enlightened as Hell: How to Be Spiritual and Not Be a Bleep is the third book by clinical psychologist Dr. Tony Ortega. Dr. Ortega brings three decades of experience as an actual mental health professional and consumer of an array of spiritual studies, as well as his sassy humor, to distill mental health and spiritual philosophies down to a street level. This is a book for millennials as much as it is for people 40 plus. Most likely to appeal more to women than men due to the nature of self-help readership. Dr. Ortega is also a champion of LGBTQI+ rights, so this is an inclusive, accessible book for anyone open to learning more about spirituality and potential answers to the question, is this it? Dr. Tony Ortega has been on Get Booked before, pre-pandemic, so quite some time ago now, and he epitomizes what we want to do here: opening discussions, offering support via the incredible writing community out there. Come and join us, get involved. If you want to catch up on previous shows, you can at womensradiostation.com/shows for www.getbooked.com and on our SoundCloud. You can also pop on to my website hazelbutterfield.com where all my recent book reviews are, and if you pop on to the SoundCloud icon just in the top right-hand corner, you can check out all our previous shows as well. And we've had some crackers in the last few weeks, from last week's Lady Sapiens to The week before, we had Laura Price with Single Bald Female. All of them you can go and check out and listen to just like a podcast at your own time of your choosing. Okay, next up today we have Dr. Tony Ortega joining us remotely from the Big Apple to talk to us about his latest book, intriguingly titled Enlightened as Hell: How to Be Spiritual and Not Be a Dick. Obviously, this piqued my interest, and not just because I've read his previous books. There is an ever-increasing need to engage with our mindset, improve our focus and well-being by being more present and more aware of who we are and our actions. But there are many preconceived ideas of how to achieve this, and for some, the concept is too far removed from who they think they are and what they may be capable of. And for others, it's about how you receive this help to realize this element of you. Now, for those of you who are not sure how woo-woo you can go, Dr. Tony Ortega is here in his inimitable way, and he has created a straight-talking and engaging way to be as enlightened as hell but staying true to yourself. Are we ready to chat to the man himself? Of course we are. Tony, hi! Hi darling, how are you? Oh my God, I am so good. I'm feeling very enlightened. How are you already? Just, just by being in my presence from across the pond? That is just, that is just what you do. That is the aura you give off. I even have the dog in the other room going, let me at him, let me at him! She's so cute. Thank you for having me back on. When they told me that you wanted to have me back on, I was like, oh, hell yeah. I'm just gutted it's not face to face so we can go out in Soho. I know. And eat chocolate and talk trash about people. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And about people who are being a dick and just not being their authentic self. Right? Exactly. So congratulations on the book. I do love it. I think there is, there is so much out there at the moment and we do need to be There's so many elements of spirituality that we're not quite sure how much we all want to delve into it, but this is a really nice way of doing it without feeling like you need to burn sage and change your wardrobe. Yep. Or spend 7 years in Tibet, or go on a week— oh, a week-long silent meditation retreat, which, hey, if that's what you're into by all means. But as the good Latino that I am, I can't be silent for 7 days. There's just no way in hell I'll be able to do that. And you know what, I've had a few friends have said, oh yeah, I'm going on a silent retreat, you should come with. I'm like, uh, that just doesn't tickle my pickle. I want to say, I want to say no. Like, we don't— we can't even sit through a whole episode of Arrested Development without chatting ridiculously all the way through it. And do you know what, to some people it works. This is what the book's about. To some people that would work. But, you know, we need to broaden our horizons and broaden the offerings out there to make sure that there's something for everybody to be received in lots of different ways. You know, and you— I think you got the gist of the book because, yeah, some people can achieve a level of enlightenment through a 7-day silent meditation retreat. Go for it, I love it. But for some people like you and me, it just doesn't resonate. No. And, you know, It feels like, you know, at least in my spiritual quest, that spirituality has to look one way. And what, you know, and this is very kind of 12-step, you know, that, you know, spirituality can look however it is that works for you. And that's the important part to remember. It's like, what makes, what feels right for you? What makes your heart sing? What makes you feel empowered? You know, I remember, you know, like, you know, and not to bash on yoga practitioners, it's a lovely practice. But one group I used to run with, boy, they were all about this Kundalini yoga stuff. And let me just tell you, that crap just did not sit well with me. It didn't apply to me. It just didn't, you know, I'm all about being in the body. But, you know, yoga wasn't my thing, you know, and that's okay. I don't need to do yoga to be an enlightened person. Well, we need to do what fits us when it suits, because I do like yoga, but I like it at the moment that I know I want to do it. I don't like being forced to do anything at any particular moment. And sometimes yoga doesn't float my boat for, you know, a couple of weeks, and other times I want to do it 2, 3 times. You know, we've just got to learn that there isn't one particular way, and we can develop our own way. I think a lot of mental health issues are when people feel like they don't fit into what they're told they should be or how they should be doing it. So yeah, we need to be enlightened and not, not be a dick, right? I mean, it's important not to be a dick, isn't it? Well, I think in general it's important not to be a dick, but I think unfortunately my experience has been that a lot of these people in the, in the spiritual world you know, are dicks because, you know, they're not in it per se for the teaching, for the development. They're in it for, you know, self-aggrandizement and, you know, making money. You know, there's a, there's a, there's a big market in coaching and spirituality right now. And quite frankly, some of these people should not be coaching a mop, you know, it's like, and there's no regulations for it. You know, and, and unfortunately, what, you know, it's, it's kind of culty, you know, and like most cult leaders, they'll say this is the way to do it. And, you know, the, the message of the book, as you so eloquently put it, there's no one way, you know, there's many different ways. And you, you know, and this, this is about figuring out, listen, copy what I do by all means. If it fits you, great, adapt it, tweak it, whatever it is that you need to do. But, you know, it's really just opening the door to like, how can I enlightened in my way. And, and what you've cleverly done is you've separated it into why we need to be enlightened, and possibly there are only, only certain areas in our life that we need to be enlightened. And I like that people can kind of pick up and stop and start or just work on particular areas in our life. And, you know, at the end of each chapter, you know, you kind of break it down a little bit with Beaming Down to Earth, and there's quite a few of those where when I've read them I've kind of emailed them back to myself, taken a picture, because I knew that the next time I go for a walk, I wanted to spend that time thinking about it and not just— because, you know, we can all finish a chapter and completely forget anything unless it's written down and put into our to-do list and schedule. So I'm actually taking a flight tomorrow, and I've got about 3 or 4 things that I'm working on that I just want to— it's the process of actually doing something good for yourself and actually thinking about what you do want and what your goals are. You know, 5 things about what you're really happy about yourself, 5 things that you would like to work on. You know, sometimes just engaging with who we are and not just plodding along can be so incredible. And actually, I do want to talk about the element of God in this book, but I like at the end— okay. You know, you can create your own idea of God or your own inner champion kind of route and guidance. And I love the idea that actually you could just sit there drinking a coffee, staring out into nothing, and suddenly go, well, I want it to kind of look like Ryan Reynolds, but it's going to have the dirty sense of humor of, say, Ricky Gervais. And then da da da da da. And you can just create somebody that you just think That's my God. That's my God. I like that. Well, you know, I borrowed that from my 12-step experience. You know, in the second step of Alcoholics Anonymous, it says, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. And usually it's about the person's ability to create their own higher power. You know, back in the day, I was given the instructions, and I believe I go into it in the book. You know, that was given the instructions, as long as your higher power is loving and forgiving, that's your higher power. You know, and as someone who grew up Catholic, I struggled with that concept because, you know, religions, I feel in general, you know, is one of those things that like, this is what you have to believe in. You have to believe it this way. And if you're not, you're going to burn in hell, you know, and that's not very empowering. So I remember, and this is 1998, 1999, when I'm writing and journaling about what my higher power would look like, you know, and anyone who knows me well knows that I'm also a huge comic book nerd. And I, at the end of that, I remember distinctly writing my higher power would be my superhero, you know, and that's how this concept of, you know, yes, God is, can be for me a superhero. Certainly that's changed and mutated. Over the years. And it's funny, I was at a meeting recently and someone said, you know, I'm a nerd and I think of my higher power as the Force from Star Wars. And I'm like, yes, yes, I get it. You know, this is exactly how it shows up for you, you know, and how it relates to you. A friend of mine used to tell me, he goes, you know, Tony, God speaks to you through your love of comics and geek them a lot. And boy, truer words could not have been said. I love that. But it's kind of like, it's like a manifestation, isn't it? If you're— you just kind of think about something that makes you feel good or is a goal of sorts. And yeah, maybe the comic character, the, the characters in the comic books that you read, they have this kind of pizzazz and this attitude that you just would love to embody. And that's a form of manifestation Do you not think? Absolutely. I mean, I think we're drawn to these characters or even people in our lives because they have traits of what we would ideally want for ourselves. And so, you know, by, by kind of connecting to that, we're going to manifest that within ourselves. You know, we're going to be more like them. You know, there's people we all look up to. And why do we look up to them? Because we want to be more like them. You know, and if we're doing this work, we're going to do the work to be more like them, you know. So absolutely, you know, I've never made that connection before, and I appreciate how you connected creating your higher power and manifestation. Um, certainly something that I will take on. Thank you very much. You are so welcome. But I think somebody else that we also like to look up to, especially in your book, is the role of drag queens in this book and In the beginning of each chapter, you have a fantastic quote, one of our favorites who we met together, Cheryl Hall. Uh, it was like page 5 or something. I mean, she just absolutely epitomizes so many incredible qualities for me, just absolutely kicking it. And I love it that virtually every quote in here, and even the bit at the back as well where you, you've got your favorite quotes and you're then kind of translating them, it's It's just— yep, yeah, brilliant. Bring it on. What, what a nice unique way to do it as well, with kick-ass attitudes. Well, one of the things that drive me crazy about self-help and spiritual books is that they always use these profound quotes in the beginning of every chapter, um, and it's cute and I'm sure it works for them, but you know, the whole— one of the whole— one of the purposes of this book really is to bring this stuff down to earth. And listen, what's more down to earth than a drag queen, right? For God's sakes, you know. And, and, and, and think about, you know, um, at, at the book launch that you were referring to when we met Cheryl Hall, I was there earlier and I was watching her transform, you know, into her drag persona, you know. And, and it takes a lot of work to, to do that and to perform and to, you know, and it's like that's a form of manifestation in and of itself, I think. Drag is a very spiritual art form. I know that RuPaul always says, drag doesn't, oh gosh, I'm gonna misquote the superstar of the world, drag superstar of the world. 'Cause she regularly listens, he regularly listens to the show as well, so you be careful. Oh, and she picks up my books too. Something about drag does not conceal you, it reveals you. I know I'm getting it wrong, but the message is it reveals who you are. Yeah. You know, and so, And it's not because, you know, you are actually a drag queen. It's more like, you know, it brings out that persona, that ideal persona that you would like to be, which you were referring to earlier. And, you know, listen, I think there's a lot of wisdom that we could learn from, you know, drag queens, just like we could from the Dalai Lama. You know, listen, we could learn from everybody. Well, also there's a lot of confidence. If you're around people who have a lot of confidence, it does wear off on you. You know, power of attraction. Absolutely, absolutely. Now, I, I've got a bit of a silly story to tell you. Oh, please. I was reading your book, right? And I've read it in the most weirdest of places because, you know, I love reading, but there's never a missed opportunity for me. And I actually had to go to an ob-gyn appointment, and I was a little bit scared, and I don't like the concept of having, you know, my legs akimbo in stirrups while there's lots of people standing there and shoving bits at my hoo-ha. Anyway, so I quite often take a book to kind of calm me and distract me, and I was reading your book, and the gynecologist and the nurse went, oh, what are you reading? I was like, oh, How to Be Enlightened as Hell and Spiritual and Not Be a Dick. They were like, oh, that's cool. I said, well, to be honest, Dick's my favorite word. And I was like, that's the wrong thing to say right now. This is the wrong thing to say right now. And I said, but I just, I just, I call people a dick a lot. And then, and it was so silly. And I was sitting there reading. So this poor guy is like kind of half under a gown, is doing what he needs to do while I'm reading your book. And he's going, so tell me about the book. And so I did. Okay, Hazel, you have now— I feel as an author I have leveled up by this story. The fact that as a card-carrying gay man that my book is being read while your Pikachu is being poked and prodded, that is a whole new level. I mean, this is better than winning or getting a New York Times bestseller. Thank you for that. You have just made my day. Oh, I think I made their day as well. And yeah, no, it was a good distraction as well, you know, and it was a conversation starter. And before you knew it, everything was over and done with. There you go. There you go. But, but, but, but, you know, it's so funny that you mentioned that because I talk about vulnerability in the book, and here you are in these stirrups, spread eagle. Um, I mean, how much more vulnerable can you be? So I was, I was harnessing my power as much as possible and trying to find my inner champion, and you helped. Thank you, you helped. Oh my, you know, listen, I never thought that I would be able to assist any female at a gynecological appointment, so, you know, level achieved. Yeah, well, come, come to Get Booked where we make your dreams come true. Isn't it funny though? I'm writing a book. I wrote a book about not being a dick and you're reading it at a gynecological appointment. I know, the irony, right? Yep. Yeah. Oh, my whole life's an irony if you ask me, but that's another story. Well, on a kind of weird segue, talking about breaking our goals down as well, and you know, your goal you didn't even realize was to have your book read at gynecology appointment. Um, page 70, do you know what, something that you said, it really did resonate because it feels like common sense. And a lot of things that we read are supposedly common sense, but we need reminding every now and again. When we have goals, we just need to break them down. You know, if you're not good at reading or you're not very spiritual just read a chapter a week, you know. If you, if you have the most mammoth to-do list, just do something on that list that you know you can achieve there and then, and then the list will get smaller and you'll get vamped up and it'll just kind of feel a lot easier. Always break your goals down rather than just seeing this huge picture that feels unattainable. Just chip away at it. Well, I think you hit on one of the things that I harp on with clients, and I really learned that goal when I wrote my first book because, you know, first book, I was all excited. I was banging out a chapter a week until chapter 3, and then I couldn't figure out why I could not do it anymore. And so I was like, you know, just stalling and stalling. And I'm like, I really want to write this book, you know, and just like not allowing my inner victimizer to take hold because it was like, you're no author, just stick to what you know, which is psychology, right? And so I thought to myself, and it's a very behavioral therapy technique, it's like, let's break it down. And so I realized that I could commit to 500 words a week. And sometimes it was 495 and some weeks it was 750. 62, you know. But I— if I gave myself this, a non-negotiable goal, then everything else falls into place, you know. And, and, and, you know, that's where you gain the confidence and you gain, you know, a lot of enlightenment. And so, you know, that's something that I apply to just about everything in my life, you know. Um, when it comes to fitness, it's like, you know, it could be a very daunting goal, and my commitment is half an hour every day, minimum, non-negotiable. And I allow myself 2 days a month, today being the second one, Miss Hazel, uh, for this month, um, you know. And so if I do that, I don't give up, I don't throw in, because it's, you know, a lot of the stuff that you see or hear or read in the self-help spiritual world, it just seems so lofty, it seems so unattainable. And so with anything, if we break it down to its most— even the least, the least chunk, you know what, we're like a millimeter ahead of the game than we were the day before. And I think that builds and builds and builds and builds until we finally achieve our goal. And really, the character building isn't in achieving the goal. It's in what we did to achieve the goal, if you ask me. That's where the enlightenment comps, because that's where you learn the most about yourself. I just went on a tirade there. I love that though. You did exactly as well. I mean, I've just— I'm getting my book published at the moment and I was struggling to finish it just over a year ago. I couldn't handle writing anymore. It just felt like I was dredging stuff out of myself and I just couldn't find the inspiration. Then eventually I just said, right, do 15 minutes a day. You can do anything for 15 minutes a day, but once you're in it, you love it and you keep on going. But, and, and on the odd day that I only wanted to do 15 minutes, and that was absolutely fine. But then all you've got to do is set really small targets, really small goals, and just see where that blossoms. Because, you know, especially in, in lockdown, like, like the rest of the world, I couldn't be bothered exercising. Actually, no, there were some people that absolutely went mental, but, um, And so I just used to set myself goals of doing like a 5-minute abs class or something like that. But at the end of that 5 minutes, I was in the mood to do a little bit more. But just set yourself smaller targets and it makes it so much more palatable and you feel great when you want to actually do more. It's a great way. Well, I mean, you know, a big tool in spirituality and enlightenment is meditation. You ask most people, and listen, it's even in the 12-step, it's in the 11th step, we sought through prayer and meditation. So it's like, you know, it's— meditation's everywhere. And you tell someone meditate, they start freaking out. I can't keep my mind quiet. I'm like, you know what, start with 1 minute. Yeah. Then build up to 2 minutes, then build up to 3 minutes. Don't— you know, I, I've heard teachers say, oh, I do 20 minutes twice a day of Transcendental Meditation. Girl, that is way too much for me. But you know what, I started very, very Simply like, you know, doing 3 minutes of deep breathing, you know, and count your breaths. And I talk about one of those methods in that chapter. Um, you know, start small, and then— but the pro— the, the key is start small, be consistent. Start small, be consistent, because that's going to build up. Um, I heard in a Peloton class, um, that consistency and discipline will carry you where motivation will not. Because I think sometimes we are waiting for— oh, I'm waiting for the motivation. I'm waiting for the motivation. Well, honey, you know, it's— motivation can be like the UPS guy. He'll show up or not show up. You know, you just never know, right? So part of, part of the enlightenment of ourselves is where to find that consistency and discipline when the external motivation is not there. Listen, this book was born out of lockdown because I had COVID at the very beginning when we didn't know anything about it. Right. And I was freaking out. I couldn't tell anyone. I'm like, oh, shoot, I have COVID. And I didn't know if I was going to die because no one knew anything about this disease. And so, and this book that we're talking about today was the book that I've always wanted to write but was too scared to because I think I'm the most vulnerable here in this book. You know, you get to see a side of me that, you know, close friends get to see. Now it's like, you know, globally people get to see who I am and it's like, wow, you know? And it was just like, you know, I got the time, you know, let's do this. And so, you know, it was a process. I think it took 6 months in lockdown to write this book. And, you know, I finished it in 2020. We're publishing it in 2022. There was just a lot, you know, to get into it and, you know, to see it through. But, you know, it was that, you know, consistency and discipline when the motivation was not there, you know. And when I couldn't think of anything to write, I closed the laptop down, you know. It's like, I'm not going to force it. But when I was, you know, when I felt it coming out, that's when I just, you know, again, I had the time, so I was able to do it. So it's like consistency, discipline will get you a lot more than just motivation. I do think, especially in you saying at the time that you actually wrote this book, your authenticity and your vulnerability does come across, and it makes— it definitely made me feel more comfortable. So you know, you kind of absorb that energy and you can be honest with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, I mean, what's the point? But it does take practice. And well, I talk about vulnerability in the book and it's like, you know, my journey with vulnerability and authenticity, you know, again, bringing it back to my comic stuff, you know, when I think vulnerable, I think Superman and kryptonite. You know, Superman is this powerful being, but there's this one piece of rock that could kill him, right? He is vulnerable to kryptonite. So I always equated, uh, vulnerability to weakness, you know. And in my journey to be more— I don't think I'm super enlightened. I think I have some level of enlightenment, but I don't, you know, listen, I, I, I, I don't know that we'll ever get there in this lifetime. But what I equated vulnerability to is authenticity. Yeah. Well, also, you make yourself completely unattainable and unapproachable if you don't have any vulnerability. I mean, just take the mums in the school playground, you know, anybody who's absolutely killing it and making out that, you know, they have no issues, there's nothing wrong, makeup's on fleek, you know, it just makes you unreachable. And then that's just going to make them lonely, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. But unfortunately, when we are scared to be authentic, we're going to be drawn to inauthentic people, I think, because, you know, they're portraying— a lot of folks, I think, in the self-help field, you know, kind of like, um, curate their appearance to draw their audience. And I don't want to curate an appearance. I want to curate authenticity. I want to curate vulnerability because that is a pinnacle of being spiritual and enlightened, you know. Uh, get— take any other great masters, you know, the Dalai Lama, you know, and even Jesus, you know, you know, they weren't, you know, grandstanding and selling books and courses and stuff like that. They were like, this is what I believe, and this is what you need to take on and see how it fits for you kind of thing, you know. I mean, it— and that, that to me is what, you know, an enlightened being is. This is how I do it, you know, take it on or not. I suggest they do. Just a quick reminder as well to all of our listeners to pop on to drtonyortega.com, uh, and a reminder as well that the book has been released. It's been released on World Mental Health Day on the 10th of October of this year. Woohoo! Uh, now, uh, there's quite a few questions I still have to ask you. But first up, I just want to talk about the beginning section, kind of page mid-30s, on forgiveness, because I liked your tact towards this, because it was— you don't have to necessarily forgive somebody else when they've done something heinous to you, but you have to forgive yourself for being in that situation. I think, and I think that's quite different, isn't it? You know, forgiveness is such, you know, a sticky topic. It is, isn't it? Um, because, you know, sadly we, we live in a world where people commit such heinous acts. Yeah. And, you know, I was, uh, you know, as I was writing that chapter, I remembered a lecture from Marianne Williamson, who, who's been one of my biggest spiritual teachers. And she said that we could love and forgive someone like a Hitler, um, uh, and, and but still not approve of their actions. So it's like, you know, let's recognize the humanity in all of us, which I talk about in the first chapter. But certainly we could, we, we can choose to not condone the actions. So forgiveness is a gift I give myself. It's like I'm choosing to let it go. Now, a very strong message I want to send: forgiveness does not mean I let that person back into my life. No, sorry, that's very important. No, very important. But forgiveness is me acknowledging, yes, this was wrong, this was heinous, but I'm choosing to move on. I read, you know what, I read this perfect thing once where when someone's done something horrible to you, you write 3 letters. Okay, hopefully I can remember these. One is telling them why they hurt you and you get it all out. Another one is, um, saying you forgive them and why. And another one is writing from their perspective as to why they did what they did to you. And none of this is going anywhere, it just helps kind of explore it in your mind. And I love that idea. I love that tool. I think that's really, really cool. I'm going to write it down. Yeah, so I think it's really important the way that you approach forgiveness and point out that, you know, because you hear about— I mean, you use the phrase as well in your book, you know, um, it's not forgiving somebody is like taking poison and expecting somebody else to die. But it's just, you know, you can choose to let things go or you can work through what somebody has done. You don't have to forgive them. You just have to— you need to find a way to work through it and to no longer have this hatred that will eat you up inside. It will sit in your gut and mess everything up for you. You know, your mental well-being, your physical well-being, everything. So we need to forgive actions but not necessarily. You don't have to forgive the person if it's not necessary or if it's not healthy. You just, you know, let them go. Off you go on your own way. Leave me alone, but I don't care about what you did anymore. Just— yeah, absolutely. Now I am keen to know, what was your favorite chapter to write? Oh my gosh, I don't know. It's, you know, I, you know, I can't pick pinpoint one. I think the manifesting chapter was kind of like, you know, in your face and kind of like calling out some of the BS that's in the spiritual mental health world. The chapter on sight where I talk about, you know, kind of like psychic stuff was the scariest chapter for me to write because I was like, oh, people are going to think I'm absolutely batshit. Shit crazy. Yes, yes. But I think my favorite was probably the chapter on God. Okay. Which is probably the last chapter, you know, and I deviated from using a drag queen quote and quoted, you know, Lady Gaga on that one because it just seemed so appropriate. Oh, she'd be happy to be grouped in, I think. Oh, absolutely, absolutely. So that, that, that's probably my favorite. Oh my God, but Lady Gaga and the Soul, it doesn't matter if you love him or capital H-I-M. I am— yes, I figured that would be the best quote to introduce that chapter. Yeah, and I must— there's a section right at the end, and unfortunately I can't read it out on the station because it uses certain expletives I won't get away with, but I just think the last paragraph for me— I'm going to take a picture and that's going to be going up on my Instagram somewhere, but it's talking about charisma, uniqueness, uniqueness, and how we should all do that and embody it. Um, but I can't talk about it too much more. I can't read out the full sentence. But, um, well, it's, it's a, it's a statement that's really, really popular in, in the Drag Race world. Yeah. And, you know, those are the, the 4 qualities that, you know, RuPaul and the judges are looking for. But, you know, charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent also stand for, you know, a word that, you know, something else. Yeah, something else. Yeah, something gynecological. You know, let's throw it back to your gynecological stuff. Okay, a couple of questions that I like to ask my guests here on Get Booked are for 3 top tips on trying to attain good mental well-being. Now I have the feeling that asking you for 3 is a bit like asking you to choose your favorite, I don't know, chocolate bar. Well, that was actually simply simple because I, I'm not a huge chocolate person, believe it or not. Okay, trying to choose your favorite gym instructor. Sure, there we go. There we go. That's a, that's a hard question, uh, because I wouldn't know how to rate it. Would I rate it through looks? Should I rate it through, you know, fitness ability? Through— I— yeah, that one would be a difficult one. Yeah, okay, scrap the chocolate one then. Okay, we'll go with gym instructor. Because at the gym I go to, girl, there are some trainers that I would leave my boyfriend for. Fair enough. Yeah, fair enough. I get it. And you know what? He might actually be like, babe, go ahead. Yeah, I'm proud of you. One that actually kind of looks like him. I actually referred to him by my guy's name and Junior at the end. So anyway, so what was the question? I don't know, something or other. To do with wellbeing, 3 tips on wellbeing. Oh, 3 tips on mental wellbeing. Listen, the number 1 tip that comes to mind is find what works for you. Again, that's like a really strong message in this book. Find what works for you. You know, if, you know, taking a walk in nature or listening to Lana Del Rey or, anything, what brings you peace? What really sits with you? And like, for example, I have a playlist on my phone and it's mainly '80s music because that's what lifts me up. And if I'm in a funk, there's two songs that I will listen to that I will no longer be in a funk. Fame by Irene Cara and Invincible by Pat Benatar. I am, you know, that helps me achieve a lot of well-being. Mental well-being, emotional and spiritual well-being. Um, you know, oh gosh, yeah, you just posed a very, uh, difficult question. Um, do your research, you know. If there's something that you're interested in, you know, don't immediately go to the very first thing you gravitate towards because, you know, we might be in a very vulnerable space and, you know,, find, uh, someone that may not be suited for what we need. Yeah. So, you know, do your research, spend some time on it, get, you know, get to know this technique or this, you know, um, you know, for example, you know, to go back to yoga, like yoga is very big in the spiritual world and, you know, you talked about you'd practice yoga. Yoga doesn't do anything for me and I've tried. I tried Kundalini, I've tried this, I've tried that. Some of my closest friends are yoga teachers. It just doesn't fit me, you know. Um, so do your research and don't feel bad if something popular, um, doesn't suit you, because you're gonna find something that will, trust me. Yeah, I love that. And sometimes, do you know what, your thing is just, you know, that you need to go to a comedy show or you know you need to just strike up a random conversation in a coffee shop. There are certain things that just raise this. Find out what it is and you are armed with the best tool. Absolutely, absolutely. Um, oh gosh, you know, and then if it really makes your heart and soul sing, just go with it. Like, truly, you know. Um, I, uh, true story with this whole drag queen thing, I did not watch— so RuPaul's Drag Race is on season 14, I believe. Oh wow. I didn't— I did not start watching RuPaul's Drag Race until season 10. Um, and the reason being was because it was just so popular in the gay world and I didn't want to be a stereotype. And I start— when I did start to watch it, at the behest of this 24-year-old lover I had at the time, um, I just gravitated towards it. And I don't watch any reality shows. I don't watch Housewives. I don't do any of that. I do not like reality shows. My life is a reality show. My career is a reality show, you know. But there's just something about it that really— and, you know, particularly I like when RuPaul's in the workroom and giving like all of this mental health advice to the queens. And so that's the kind of stuff that, you know, really, really gets me seeing their journeys. So, you know, it, it took me a while, but once it hit, it hit. So it's part of my, you know, watching these, these, this show in particular and the different franchises is, is, you know, very uplifting for me. So, you know what, if it makes your heart sing, no matter how ridiculous it is, go with it. Go with it because it's your heart, it's your soul. No one can tell you what's right or wrong. Yeah. No one can tell you what's right or wrong for you. I mean, certainly there's laws in place for a reason. But if you find enlightenment through watching RuPaul's Drag Race or standing on your head, you know, if that's what makes your heart and soul sing, go for it. I love that. But that's all just about being authentic though, isn't it? Just do what's right for you. And yeah, I love that. I think that's brilliant. And I must say, I think I kind of know where this next question's is going to go. But a question I like to ask is, is there somebody you admire in the public eye? Somebody who just whenever— maybe if you're feeling a bit low and you just think, oh, if I just watch a little bit of what they're doing on social media, they're going to make me giggle, they're going to say something just good for me that's going to enrich my soul. Oh, so you— someone that on social media or like that does that? They can be in social media, just, just anybody in the public eye really. Sometimes, you know, some people say there's certain politicians— I mean, there aren't that many to choose from that are inspiring— but, but just somebody just saying, oh, I'm so glad you're in the public eye, you are serving as well. Gosh, that's a hard question. You know, my, my future, that is a huge, huge question. You know, for anyone who knows me, I frickin' live on Instagram. I spend way too much time on there, which is great because, you know, my boyfriend's not on any social media, which is amazing. I got to say, there's a friend of mine who lives out in Florida. His Instagram handle is healinghypemanalvin. And, you know, he always has such a very strong, powerful, uplifting message. That, you know, I really enjoy, that I really, really gravitate to. And certainly, you know, folks like Marianne Williamson, or— oh gosh, I'm starting to think who else. You know what, I'm going to stick to those two. You know, those are the people that kind of uplift me. You know, there's certain pages on Instagram that I really enjoy, like @munomemes and stuff like that. But, you know, just anyone that has a message— oh, Commend— oh, Commending Life on Instagram also. They always have these wowsers that it's like, wow, okay, this is good, this is good stuff. I like that because I think the reason why I do this is so that our listeners can go, oh, do you know what, I'm gonna go and check them out, and just to kind of try and refresh and fill our feed or what we consuming the media, whether it's social media or not, uh, which is just something that's just going to make us feel better about ourselves. I've just followed Commanding Life Inspirational Tips and Tools. There you go. I am all over it. Um, thank you so much. As a— I— as a perfect example, yesterday Healing Hype Man Alvin said something. They snapshotted it. I could show you on my screen. And he said, you know, I had I had therapy yesterday and I tapped into some really dark stuff that I hadn't tapped into. And then I open up Instagram and Alvin says, darkness is just energy that needs a touch of light. That completely— like, I could feel like tears swelling a little bit. That completely changed, you know, the, the tone of the day. Because, you know, when we're looking at that that darkness, that shadow self, as they call it, or the dark side, like in Star Wars, you know, it's not pretty, it's not pleasant, it doesn't feel good. But I like what, you know, Alvin had to say, it just needs a little bit of light. It's energy that needs a little bit of light. And so these are the things that, you know, I feel that my higher power, my God, sent me at the right moment You know, um, so, and you know, I, I'm actually going to add one more thing to this last question, Hazel. See, this is the one that is asking you to choose your favorite gym instructor. Yeah, no, don't ask me to. Yeah, yeah, good luck with that. Um, pay attention as you walk through your life during the day, right? Because you just never know what is going to show up for you. Um, perfect example, my favorite color is green and my guy's favorite color is orange. Um, one day, um, you know, and listen, all relationships have their issues, right? And so one day I'm climbing up the stairs at work from the tube, but I was gonna say subway, um, and all of a sudden in the corner of the staircase I see a piece of green gum stuck to a piece orange gum. What are the odds of that combination? Next day I'm walking through a park and there's a street vendor and he has these like these glass and wrought iron things that he makes, and one was a cross with green and orange. The very next day after seeing this gum And then the day after, I forget, I have it written down, but there was something else green and orange. And I'm like, okay, God, I'm hearing you. Everything's going to be okay. Thank you. We can stop with the green and orange sightings. But it's like, you know, it can't— well, it can be a person, or it can be just like something you encounter on your day-to-day. You know, spirituality can be something very, very simple or something very large. It's whatever suits you. You two as a couple must absolutely lose it when you watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, right? Oompa Loompas. He's a big chocolate person. I have to keep chocolate in the house, but I keep chocolate in the house that I know I won't eat. Right. Do you know what, Tony? I thoroughly loved having you on the show. It's always a joy to chat to you, and I wish you the best of luck with Enlightened as Hell: How to Be Spiritual and Not Be a Dick, because we just don't want to be a dick. Thank you so much, and please just come back on the show as soon as possible and get back to London so we can do it face to face. Oh my gosh, absolutely, yes. Thank you so much for having me on again. It's always— I mean, it's always such a pleasure. So, and I, I— that means I need to write another book. 'Cause I can go over there. Yeah, chop chop. If you could just pop one out really quickly, that would be really cool. Just so we can, uh, we can, oh, you could just come over for no reason whatsoever and just promote all 3 previous books. There we go. There we go. We got a plan. Yeah. We are creating solutions, not problems. You have been listening today on Get Booked to Dr. Tony Ortega. Thank you so much for joining us and for having a fantastic chat with us. Thank you so much, Hazel, and big kisses to Miss Charlie. I will send your love. Now time for a little teaser of today's book, read by Dr. Tony Ortega himself. Chapter 3: Fear, False Evidence, F That, It Feels Real. Not today, Satan. Not today, Bianca Del Rio. With my extensive background in substance abuse and as a friend of Bill W. myself, I tend to quote 12-step philosophy quite a bit. They have this really great saying about fear and what fear stands for: false evidence appearing real. This is very pretty, but when I was having fevers and body aches, as, as well as a loss of sense of taste and smell at the end of March 2020, there was some real evidence to be scared. I was most concerned for who would take care of my diabetic cat, as the ongoing care and treatment for his diabetes is costly. If something happened to me, these fears were real. They felt real. But were they really real? The inner victimizer thrives on fear. Any hint of fear causes the inner victimizer, victimizer to rouse from its slumber. It then stomps around in your inner psyche and gives you more fear to feed your present fear so that its appetite is satisfied. It's a never-ending cycle of torture. International drag queen superstar RuPaul likes to use the term inner saboteur and makes reference to all of us having an inner saboteur. A Course in Miracles refers to fear as a false creation of the ego mind, our human mind, as opposed to our inner champion. If you really think about it, fear is very primal. Most mammals experience fear at some level. More on this in a bit. Let's bring this down for a second to some street-level understanding. There are two kinds of fear: objective fear and subjective fear. The easiest way to differentiate between the two is as follows: objective fear occurs when your physical being may possibly be harmed. Think of a car barreling towards you or someone pointing a gun to your head or experiencing symptoms of coronavirus, but you live alone and are not sick enough to go to the emergency room. These are all fears that anyone will agree are real. Folks who experience symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress disorder or have been formally diagnosed with PTSD have experienced an event or witnessed an event that threatened physical integrity. This all boils down to a fear that just about anyone can see, even if they are not the victim. Subjective fear is the one that only the person feeling it will experience. No outside observer can objectively see what they are subjectively seeing and/or feeling. This will include things such as making a mistake at work and fearing losing your job, or your partner hasn't called in over X amount of time and you fear they're cheating on you or about to break up with you. You think you're going to die from coronavirus and so will your diabetic cat because no one else wants the financial responsibility. As real as these fears feel, they are not real. Subjective fears feel real because they not only get fed by the inner victimizer, but they activate most of your bodily symptoms to a higher level. It can involve the muscular, muscular, respiratory, and/or cardiovascular systems. This is why it is so easy to feel fear and fall back into a pattern of allowing fear to run rampant. It literally is default setting in most mammals, just like a physical knee-jerk reaction. The key here is to know that it feels real because your body is now activated, thus giving us the illusion that it is real. To make matters worse, the inner victimizer, inner saboteur, ego mind doesn't help provide any support through this fear. On the contrary, it feeds you more and gets off on the process. #ElevateNow. The key to conquering any subjective fear is to know that it feels real, but it is not real. I don't want to encourage you to minimize your feelings in any way. In my work with clients, I remind them to honor all their feelings. We need to take that to the next level and shift from it feeling real to engaging your inner champion into more objective, reality-based thinking. How the hell do we do that in the midst of this? Well, we engage by taking control of our breathing and taking control of our thoughts, by looking for the physical evidence to the contrary of what your inner victimizer, inner saboteur, ego mind is saying. I use the terms subjective and objective very strategically for this reason. When trying to work through a subjective fear, you need to engage objective thinking, feeling, and doing. I've worked with clients with PTSD. Having them work through a flashback by orienting themselves to where they are now alleviates some of the symptoms. Fear of losing your job, Breathe and remind yourself of the value you bring to your job. Scared your partner is cheating on you? Breathe and search for evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt, just like Law Order, to back this fear up. Fear you may die? Guess what, Mary? It's going to happen to all of us. So instead of focusing on the fact that you may be dying, focus on living your best life right here, right now. This is not to take away from individuals who are experiencing a life-threatening illness diagnosed by a medical professional. Or people showing very real symptoms but have not yet seen a medical professional, as was the case for me when I thought I had COVID-19. In the face of a diagnosis and/or symptoms, fear of dying is very real. This is both a subjective and an objective fear. Instead of focusing solely on the dying part, share some of the focus on the living right here, right now part as well. Objective fears are about the immediate future. Subjective fears are about a projected future. #ElevateNow. You cannot feel subjective fear if you are anchored into the present moment. Focusing on your breath is the easiest way to do so. Let's go back to how our fears as humans differ from those experienced by lower life forms. I use quotations for lower as sometimes they are way smarter and savvier than we are. One of the things that differentiate us from other animals is something we humans possess called a frontal lobe. It is the part of the brain that controls problem-solving, decision-making, labeling, planning, and many other higher-order mental processes that mammals without a frontal lobe can't do. Here's the deal: while we need a frontal lobe to not turn into hedonistic bastards, we can't shut it off either. Therefore, when we have that one thought fed to us by the inner victimizer, inner saboteur ego mind, our frontal lobe starts to work overtime. This fuels that initial thought of fear, and all of a sudden we think we are dying at 2 AM just because we have a headache that won't go away. I live in a very busy bus train area of town. One Sunday, my cat Logan was playing with the toy in the bed. A bus came by and made quite the ruckus. Logan stood up on all fours and stayed very still, eyes wide open. When the bus went on its way, Logan resumed what he was doing. We could learn a lot from Logan. Feel whatever feeling you are experiencing. Don't add to it by thinking a bus is about to careen into the building. Don't judge yourself for feeling fear and go back to playing with your catnip toy. You may be thinking, I do not like fear. Well, duh, who likes it other than the inner victimizer? While I do dislike feeling fear, I recognize its inherent value in our lives. If we subscribe to fear being a primal response to our world, then to some degree it is part of our DNA. However, fear is one of those emotions we dislike the most. Why would we need it genetically? In lower order behaviors, actions that non-human mammals engage in, We need to feel fear to survive. When we are in a situation unfamiliar to us, we need to fear to heighten our level of awareness to our surroundings, just in case. It's a simple way of seeing how fear is quite useful and necessary for our survival. In higher order actions, those involving that frontal lobe, fear can arise in certain situations we may think of, sometimes fed by the inner victimizer. But we can decide not to engage in said action because we are scared of the consequences. If used and managed properly, fear can make us better people. I use the term managed with intent. Let's say we are in a new neighborhood. We are not familiar with the surroundings. We will have that very basic fear of getting lost or possibly encountering questionable people. This fear will help us navigate the streets with more mindful intention. Here's a different scenario with more frontal lobe functioning. Fear would be involved those times we want to exact our revenge on someone who has wronged us. While that very primal rage is getting off on our plot, the frontal lobe will kick in and provide 134 worst-case scenario conclusions of your act of revenge versus the one result you would want. You finally cancel the plans because you don't want to suffer the consequences. #ElevateNow. Fear is a necessary component of our lives that helps us survive in the physical realm as we grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.