Get Booked – Ragh Bir, 39 Plus One 051222

Hello, I'm Hazel Butterfield and this is Get Booked for Women's and Men's Radio Station. Get Booked is all about talking to authors, chatting about anything and everything books related, and all the joy, enlightenment, and escape that good books can provide. Sit back and let us entertain you with a different guest each week, sharing who they are, what they do, and what inspires them. On today's show, we're going to be discussing the book 39 1, which was released on the 24th of November, priced at £12.99 from all good bookshops. This is by the author Ragbir. Based on real-life events, 39 1 tells the story of singleton Rachel Collins, who lives in Royal Windsor. She has a wonderful friendship circle, loving and supportive parents and enjoys her job working in a dysfunctional family-run office supplies company. On her 39th birthday, she decided to embark on a quest for a year to date anyone who is bold enough to show interest, regardless of how he looks, in a bid to find her perfect imperfect soulmate. She brushes aside her high standards and actively pursues her dream of finding the one. Before she turns 40. Her quest takes her on a rollercoaster ride into situations she never imagined she would find herself in, and the sometimes hilarious and weird world of dating becomes her life. Her best friend Harriet and Naomi enjoy their weekly get-togethers listening to Rachel's latest dating disaster, and Vince and Harry also lend an ear, sharing in the frivolity. The quest comes to an end on her 40th birthday after a holiday to Ibiza, where after a day of mishaps she discovers the truth: that her perfect imperfect soulmate is not quite what he seems. While she sits on the beach contemplating whether the last year has been worthwhile, she realizes that the quest has been more of a journey of self-discovery than anything else. Then serendipity steps in and plays her a little visit. Did you know that a study of over 2,000 adults revealed that the average woman will kiss 15 men, enjoy 2 long-term relationships, and have her heart broken twice before she meets the one? Ragbir's debut novel sees her protagonist embark on such an adventure. Desperate for romance, Rachel Collins, 39, is forced to put aside her pinnickety, critical traits as she navigates the weird and wonderful world of modern-day dating. Her quest catapults her into situations she never imagined she'd find herself in. Before long, she has no shortage of hilarious anecdotes for dinner parties, but what starts as a quest for love turns into a journey of self-discovery. I'm so looking forward to chatting to Ragh today because I myself have embarked on dating journeys in the past and have come across the most eye-watering, ridiculous situations, but also dealing with the safety element. And sometimes the craziest things that happen to us put us in situations where we're suspended in disbelief and don't actually know what to do. So today, buckle up, it's going to be an interesting ride. If it's your first time listening to the show, you can pop onto womensradiostation.com/shows/getbooked to have a listen to previous shows. And please do pop onto hazelbutterfield.com to see my latest reviews and find out a little bit more about how I like to open discussions and offer support via the incredible writing community out there. Come and join us, get involved, and please do get in touch if maybe you're an author who's just about to release a book, or you're a book reviewer and you'd like to have a quick chat on GetBooked. You can at hazelbutterfield.com, or you can follow me on Twitter @nuttybutty. Right now, as promised, on GetBooked we have Rag Bear who's going to talk to us about 39+ one that was released on the 24th of November. I'm going to put lots of bits and pieces and details up on hazelbutterfield.com so you can have a nice easy link to get hold of it. Now, this book, the quest to find our perfect imperfect soulmate— wow, what a challenge indeed. We have to kiss a lot of frogs to find our prince, supposedly, or more realistically, get smeared with bogeys and try and find good humor on the journey. Rach, the character Rachel Elizabeth has decided that with a year to go until the milestone of reaching 40, she will embrace dating without being picky, give them all a go and see if she gets lucky. Ha! Uh, will Rach find love, find herself, or just curate entertaining stories to tell her good friends on a Friday night? This is a very entertaining, if not quite cringey at times, journey through dating mishaps, human nature, and importantly, friendship. Let's out more from the woman herself. Hello, thank you for joining us on Get Booked here at Women's and Men's Radio Station. How are you? I'm very well, thank you. Hello. Now, um, I, I was reading this book, um, and, and I was, I was in Gales just having a nice coffee, and it was in a really nice kind of quiet environment, and all of a sudden I just burst out laughing and then started gipping at the same time. Um, Do you want to guess which page I was on? There's so many parts that I can't even start with which part, but I think pretty much from what I've heard is the bogey face. Oh, I mean, it grosses me out when my own children have bogeys visible, so especially with a complete stranger who's trying to kiss me, that would make me really, really squeamish. Right. That it lands on your face and you're just, oh, oh, oh, the movement is there again. This, that was a true story. Oh, the thing is, when I was reading it, it felt like it was true, um, as well. I mean, so from, from what I gather, this book is, it's based on real events that's been condensed for the whole year quest, because it is fiction, but it's fiction that's kind of based on things that have happened to you. Um, tell us a little bit about why you decided to write this book. Oh well, um, I decided to write the book— I always thought that I would be— I would write a book. I didn't know what it would be about, but when I embarked on the quest, I think it was in year 1997, I decided I had a good job. I just bought the year before, I bought a house and I'd go out with my friends and I'd say, I just can't find a boyfriend. Men weren't asking me out. So I decided that— and they would say, they would say to me that you're just too picky, you know, you're just too picky, you know. So I decided that I would say yes to anyone. Who asked. And that's how it began. So I slowly started getting myself out there on dating sites, and, and it all began. But I never just thought in my head it was going to be a quest. I just wanted to go out there and date anyone who was bold enough to ask me out. Or— well, do you know what the irony is, is that if we have a particular person that we go for and we're still aimlessly wandering through the dating pool, we're clearly looking for the wrong person that actually doesn't work for us. And sometimes we want to go for something that's in our comfort zone, and then we keep on doing the same thing and wonder why it keeps on going wrong. So the idea of the quest, I wholeheartedly got, because you need to go out of your comfort zone. And if you're always going— you know, I've got friends who always go to these slightly younger pretty boys and she's like, but they've just got, you know, it never works out. We never seem to kind of have the same sense of humor. And I'm like, well, babe, you need to be looking at somebody who's got the same sense of humor then. And, you know, that could come in any kind of package. And get yourself out there a little bit more and just stop going down the same route. And, you know, it's, it's, you know, I like the idea of the quest because it's a challenge and we don't know what's going to work unless we try something different. That's exactly it. And that's exactly what I did because I was the same. I'd go for the same kind of guy. And, and I think with my job as well as airline crew, um, I think, um, I never really got asked out. Really? By the guy? By, yeah, by guys that I liked. And so I decided that, well, and maybe they saw me as too independent from what my friends said. You're too independent, you're fussy, you're picky. So yeah, Yeah, I think that that's how the quest began, with just deciding that, okay, I'm going to go out there and open myself up. Well, not open, you know, just go out there and see what's out there and, yeah, not have any constraints. Yeah, be open to new experiences. I think that's key, isn't it? Yes. I came up with this idea not so long back. I should kind of trademark it really, but I like the idea because The whole idea of dating sites fills me with dread. It is ridiculous. People are swiping left or right based on what you look like. And I actually had Laura Price on the show recently, and she's written a book called Single Bald Female, and she went through the dating process as she was going through chemo. So she was bald and she knows that anybody who actually swiped on her were interested to find out more about her because obviously she was going through quite an experience and it wasn't just solely based on superficial looks. And I love that kind of concept, but I, I like the idea of a dating site where it was like you went for a dog walk. So it's like dog walk dating. So there's— yes, you're kind of out and about with a dog for safety, but there's kind of that whole distraction as well, because if you meet in a bar you're nervous, and so you might— I know for a fact I've been nervous and drank too much sometimes, and then just gone, oh, I either come across as an idiot or I'm— I've got the beer goggles on and you have no idea. So, but, but similarly, I've been on dates when I have used the Dastardly apps where I've taken my dog along for safety. You're making— you're meeting a complete stranger, especially in lockdown. Where you didn't have the safety of the pubs, you know, the whole idea of going to a restaurant or a pub is that if something goes wrong with somebody there, but in lockdown you were essentially in a park with a complete stranger who knew you'd be walking home at some point, and it just all felt a little bit weird. So I used to take my dog, but my dog would sense my apprehension and she'd either hump them— I swear to God, it was so ridiculous. Um, which would make me even more nervous, and it was always a bit counterproductive unless they were huge dog fans. But, you know, it's just— I've had some incredibly messed up dating scenarios where it's just been horrific. I actually, um, just coming out of lockdown when the pubs were open, I met a guy who was a psychologist who tried upsetting me and riling me because he was interested in my response. Wow. Yeah, that was not good. Um, there were a few expletives, and I was just like, is this how it's gonna go? Because otherwise I just want to go, what are you actually doing? And he explained. I went, that's really messed up. I'm not paying you for a psychological analysis. Uh, well, I know I messed up. I don't need you to tell me. You're a complete stranger. Um, the next one It was so bad. He was just like, the next day he's going, "Hey, I had a great time. Do you fancy going out again?" I was like, "No, you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic and not in a good way." I'm nice. No, not a good way to start off a relationship or meeting someone, playing psychological games. No, I did not like— he tried telling me that my feet were big and did it bother me. I'm size 6. I don't think they're that big. And he just wanted to insult me to see whether I would. It was so, it was so bonkers. I kind of stayed a little bit longer than I should have done because I was intrigued to see what he was going to come out with next. And then I just started giggling and at the end I just went, I think you should pay the bill because I don't really think that I should— I deserve— I owe you anything. That's funny. I think you've got a book in you now. Yeah, don't need to, 39 1 covers it all. Oh yes, I must admit 39 1 has been a labor of love. I started writing it actually in 2007, I wrote 3 chapters and then I completely froze. Yeah. And I only came back to it when we went into lockdown And, uh, um, within the year I'd written the whole book. So it was just— it's been quite a journey. And, um, yes, because those dating sites, you know, you just go on them. And the first time I went on, on the dating site was in 1997, and they lie, they lie, they lie a lot. Yeah, I don't— do you know what, I had this one guy chatting to me, and I was only intrigued in chatting to him because I knew that he was using my best friend's ex-husband's pictures, and I was just intrigued. So I took a screenshot and I sent it to the guy and went, by the way, you've been cloned. Because he was, he was, um, a very pretty policeman who worked out a lot post kind of separation. And I was like, this isn't you. I did it just because I thought it was funny. But oh gosh, it's hilarious. I just think people can get away with anything, but I just don't— I just, I don't know, why can't we just go back to the situation where we're traditional courtship? And yeah, you sit in a bar and somebody says, hey, you're single? Yes. And so people don't do it because they're, they're scared of the reaction, I suppose. If they're not single, it's like, no, back off. Or, you know, we just need to be polite to each other and a bit more— it's a toughie because sometimes people are relentless anyway. I suppose there isn't really answer, and some— something will work for somebody out there. But dog walk dating, I think, is a winner. I think so. I need to get that patented, don't I? You need to. Yes. Anybody listening, if you can help— Wow. Um, so, but I want to know, when you were writing the book, I know that in lockdown it kind of flew onto the sheets a little bit more. Was there a particular favourite part for you to write? Oh gosh, I think writing, I think the last chapter, because it was the biggest chapter, Chapter 13, which was sectioned off in 3 parts. When I got to that point, I sort of was— I was excited. Um, and I think that was, um, that was an interesting part of my life because I had turned— I was 39, and, um, and so it was very much interesting to think back of of that particular time in my life and to write about it and remembering everything. A few of the stories have been embellished, I've added things on or taken things away, but I think the last chapter, because it, I think it takes up mostly half of the book. Yeah. But yes, but there are other chapters which I really enjoyed writing about because it made me think back to that particular date and how and looking at myself, how I reacted, or, you know, towards how, what I was faced with, made me laugh. One of them in particular was Mamma Mia, when I met, oh God, I don't want to say his real name, Brian. This is the worry. And I got sort of swept away into going to the musical Mamma Mia! because he bought the tickets, and I felt, oh, pressure to go because, oh, he's bought the tickets. And I think as females, as women, we just tend to— I found myself feeling like I didn't want to hurt or upset anyone. Yes. Oh, he's bought these tickets, he's got them last minute, I must go, you know, I have to go. But yet, no, I don't want to go, I'm not interested in it. Oh, so it was all very much funny writing these scenes and feeling like, oh, that, all those feelings coming back, like the cringing, the moments of just feeling, oh, cringing thinking back. And even with Pepe Le Pew, with the kissing, that was a true story with him kissing my hand and going all the way up. The thing is, there are these situations, and, um, it's different for women because I know that men go through dating situations where they just go, I met this bird, she was absolutely off her rocker, and they have these situations all all the time. However, I do feel it's— it is different for women because we're in a more vulnerable situation. You know, blokes don't get accused of being a tease, or this gaslighting doesn't happen as much. So I think an important part— although the book is ridiculously entertaining— I think it highlights certain situations where sometimes the reader needs to go, okay, this situation happened, what would I do in this situation? Because being forearmed forewarned. And what would you do? Would you have a plan? Do you make sure that you have a line ready or an excuse ready? Or, you know, sometimes these situations are so bonkers that we're in shock that we don't react. Yes. And I think it's good that we read books like this to kind of go Okay, if this can happen, what would I do? And appreciate that when you're in the situation, you can be— you can find yourself rolling along a bit like the Mamma Mia situation. I know I've been in these situations where you get steamrolled, and that's— if someone's steamrolling you on the first or second day, that isn't going to get any better throughout the relationship. And it's knowing the safety elements, the getting out of jail free cards. We need to make sure— I mean, I know that there's all these notices up in the toilets in pubs saying, if you're on a dodgy day, ask for Angela. Yeah, but do you know what? I bet you if I walked in— I live in Southwest London where I have at least 6 pubs on my doorstep. I'm pretty certain if I asked 10 times for Angela, they wouldn't know. Really? I bet you. Yeah. Wow. So, I mean, I've also seen situations where women have been on dates and when she's been in the toilet, I've kind of snuck off and gone, are you all right? Like, horrible date. Absolutely hate it. And I'm like, right, do you mind if I butt in? And I've literally gone over to her afterwards and said, oh my God, you know, I'd ask for her name. I haven't seen you in ages. Oh my God, I've got to introduce you to so-and-so. And then I've just been that obnoxious person that stayed there. And then dragged her away. And if he— sometimes the guys have got rude and said, 'Do you mind?' And they've been really horrific. And I've kind of gone, 'Well, do you mind?' to the lady. And she's like, 'Oh no, I haven't seen her in years. I really need to say hi. I'm really sorry.' And if he gets funny, I literally just say, 'Go and sit at that table. I'll deal with him.' Wow, I love that. Yeah, I have actually as well. In a bar that I used to go to, the bouncer who knew me a bit would come up to me and say, if I go over, it's threatening for both of them. If you create one of your silly situations, that'd really help. And sometimes I've just gone, can you sort it out? And this woman's gone, I hate it, he won't let me go, he won't let me go, he says he'll follow me if I leave. If I stay here, he'll just follow me into the bar. If I, if I leave, he's going to follow me. So I'm in a really dodgy situation. I went, I'll sort this. And I kind of— and I've been known to do it a little bit, especially if the bouncer knows me. And the amount of times, you know, at the end the bouncer's gone, right, you deserve a free taxi, get a taxi on the bar home tonight. Because it is a dodgy situation. A woman's not going to then go off with a dodgy 6-foot-6 bouncer. So yeah, there are some horrific situations out there. We should all kind of look out for each other. Completely. However, sometimes we can see a situation where they look uncomfortable, but that's because they've been married for 20 years and they absolutely hate his guts, but they've probably gone for a date because they've got a babysitter, right? There are many different situations. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely bonkers. But you know, it is, it is important that we kind of think of our get-out clause. We do text text, the supposed picture, and where you're going to a friend so they know where you are at all times. But, you know, dating, it's not all dangerous. It's not all, you know, you're gonna come home with bogeys on your face. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they're not great, but you've had fun anyway. And I think for the reader, for me, I found it quite endearingly nostalgic, reminded me of some of the ridiculousness I've gone through. And you brought a lot of warmth to the book. Oh, thank you. It's very difficult to know how it's going to come across because you think that, will people be offended by Rachel's sort of critical or maybe sometimes judgmental attitude towards dating. But I sort of thought— human nature. Yes. Yeah. And I thought that, um, and I think it was just really actually being myself when I was on these dates. Um, you do tend to be— I felt I was a lot more kinder to, um, on these dates to the men. Um, when I should have probably just got up and walked out and said, "No, no, thank you. I'm not in." You know, or even with Brian in Mamma Mia! when he had booked the tickets, I should have said, "No, sorry, I'm not going." Or I think at the end when he phoned the next morning and said, "Oh, come over to the house at the weekend and bring a swimsuit. I want to test out the hot tub." And she just— that was it. She got to that point where she says, "No!" But in the book, I think maybe I, in 39 1, I think I may have made Rachel to be a bit more harsh. Do you think? I'm not sure. I think that's important because sometimes if she'd have been too forgiving, that would have made the reader feel that they needed to be too forgiving. I think it needed to give people a little bit of a kick at the bottom to actually express their autonomy and their authority over what happens to them and what they experience and what they allow. Yeah, I do think it— I was torn in the situation that this one of the last relationships where there was an incident with vomit. Um, yeah, I did kind of go, I thought, yep, brilliant, get out, that's disgusting. Um, however, I don't know about you, I don't know whether you drink or, or whether you occasionally drink too much, but I know I've been in a situation where I've woken up and thought, wow, I had a glass too many, I didn't come across well, or I might have slipped outside or something like that. And sometimes you just kind of think stuff happens and it's not always in character, or maybe, you know, we just make mistakes. And I like the idea that sometimes we can see that Somebody's sorry, they try and make it up, and we give them another go because first impressions can't be the be-all and end-all. We all make mistakes, we all have bad days, or we just don't know what's going on in somebody who we don't know. Yes, yes, absolutely. I'm not so sure whether after slipping in vomit whether I would have given them another go, but I do appreciate the idea that something really dodgy can happen And the idea that some— if somebody does something wrong, in my opinion, if you own up to it, apologize, and completely take the blame, it's a lot better. Yes. And it shows strength of character. If anything, I would find that more endearing. Completely. Yeah. Yeah, I agree with you. Um, I've got— yeah, that was a difficult part to write, actually, when I was thinking about it, about slipping in the vomit and then deciding Yeah, whether you should stay or go, because you're almost thinking— I sort of, when I was writing, I was thinking, well, she's in her head, she's sort of seen them, David, and he's lying on his stomach. So, you know, maybe she should have stayed to make sure he was okay. And I think at that point she— oh yeah, when she got walked into the bathroom, she was sliding across the floor that she decided that it was time to go. Yes, it's a, it's an interesting point really, because I think after that it was very much, right, that's it. She sort of reverted back to, this is ridiculous, I'm not gonna put up with this anymore. I think she's got to the, her last nerve of, with these ridiculous men. Yeah, I and situations she found herself in that she thought, right, that's it, I'm going, I'm leaving. And, um, yeah, almost reverting back to old Rachel and being critical and judgmental. And, you know, I don't think it's been critical stating, uh, or judgmental stating that, um, being forced to share a room because somebody messed up the booking, and then somebody falling flat on you in the middle of the night, and then when you get up, you, you kind of slip on their sick. I would say that's probably quite just however you react, other than stabbing them. Stabbing them would probably not be okay. I, you know what, I, I really want to say as well, because I know that we get a lot of men listening to Get Booked, um, this is not men bashing. This is— actually, this is about— this is dating bashing. I genuinely would read a book book more than happily about a man, a man describing his dating journey and all the horrific things that kind of happened. I want to find that book, and I do want to read it. It happens to be more women that write these kind of books, um, so that's just something that organically happens. But I, I want to read that book. I do want it because, you know, sometimes as women we don't know what what we don't know. We don't know what we're doing wrong. We don't know what sometimes men want, yes, to happen other than the obvious. Um, but, um, it'd be nice to get it from the other angle. Or maybe you're a bloke listening now and you just want to tell me one of the stories. I'd love to do a little bit of a follow-up with men saying, well, I went on this date and so-and-so did this. And yes, yes, oh, just nerves. Nerves make us do ridiculous things. Oh, completely, yes. And 39+1 is definitely not man-bashing at all, and because it was carried out, the quest was sort of like carried out a number of years, I'd almost say over 10 years, 14, 15 years of dating, that condensing it into the book 39+1 into a year makes it seem like she was just, you know, it's a big, big dating disaster, her whole year has been And I think it culminates into just her thinking that, what was that all about? Yeah, why did I put myself through that? Well, I think we can— I know people who don't date for ages, who do one date and they come out and go, why did I put myself through that? So whether it's one day or 23, you know, um, they're all a little bit bonkers. Would you have any advice for anybody who's going on a date? Yes, I'd say to them, and this is what I always do now if I'm ever on a date, but it's been a long time, I always say to be honest and truthful. And yeah, and even though they're not maybe not enjoying the date or, or they're sitting there and thinking, well, no, you know what, he doesn't look like my type, or I'm not getting any chemistry. I think it's just to be positive and, um, and to be kind. And if it doesn't work out, I think the best thing is to trust your gut instincts and just be kind in the delivery of the word no. I won't be seeing you again. Yeah, I think we're supposed to put our best self out there. It's essentially an interview. However, Lying is just a waste of everybody's time. It'd be nice if you kind of fast forward 3 months to when people feel a little bit more relaxed and say who they really are, but I don't really know how that could ever happen. Yeah, which is why sometimes it's nice to kind of— I've made this mistake sometimes, I kind of date people who I already slightly know. That just means you're dating people within a certain friendship group, and then when it goes wrong, it becomes a little bit uncomfortable. Yes, it does. You live and learn. You live and learn. Yes, I've been there. I think most of us have. You go through all the friends, the friends' friends, and you're like, oh, okay. Yeah, I don't have any friends left. Yes. So, are you coming to our party? Depends, is so-and-so there? Oh, deary, deary me. I am interested though. Are you dating someone now? No. Good. Not at the moment. So you're going out and you're actually enjoying yourself. Yes. And I think that's one of the things I've sort of learned, especially from writing 39+1. I've gone through all those writing each chapter, I sort of, at the time you don't think you're learning anything, you sort of come out of it a bit annoyed that, oh, what a rubbish day, or how ridiculous was that. And at the time, when I used to meet up with my friends and I used to tell them, oh, this is what happened on this day, they'd be in hysterics. And I never saw the funny side until I'd watched them, and I think, well, actually, yeah, I guess that was funny. But writing 39+1, it's only through, um, when I came to the end, I sort of thought, I've learned so much from, from writing it, and I think I've learned so much about myself. And, um, I think, and I thought, you know what, at the end of it, I, I sort of said to myself, you know, it's okay to be alone, it's okay to be single. Well, it— that's the thing, isn't it, is to be comfortable with yourself. If you're not comfortable with yourself, why should somebody else must be. I do have a few friends who are single, and, you know, I'll say, oh, we'll say to each other, you know, what are you doing this weekend? And a friend will say, oh, I've got a date, but I might cancel it because if I just go out with you, I know I'm gonna have a good evening. So I think, you know, time is precious. Um, I'd rather just go to a restaurant, have fun, say what I want, and not worry about 'If I drink, say the wrong thing,' or 'If my joke's not received properly,' um, or, you know, worry about any preconceived ideas I might have to kind of contemplate. So it is a toughie, but I love the idea now that we don't have to be with somebody, right? But, you know, you've got to be comfortable with yourself. And weirdly, the more comfortable you are with yourself the more attractive and approachable you appear to other people. And it's a bit like a chicken and an egg situation, but we sometimes just need to put a bit of time into ourselves and figure that out, right? But the more we, the more we know ourselves and the more we like ourselves, the more we're like, oh, I don't want someone to come along and ruin that. Somebody making me watch that program when all I want to do is watch The Great British Bake Off. That's it, that's entirely it, um, Hazel. I love that. It's completely loving yourself first. Yeah, yeah, wholeheartedly. Right, well, as much as I would love to talk about all my dating mishaps and all your dating mishaps with 39+1, we think, uh, people should go and read the books themselves. Go and buy it, go and get hold of it. Um, as I've said There will be various links up on hazelbutterfield.com, but just type in Rag Bear 39+1. It was released on the 24th of November. And a couple of questions I love to ask my guests here on Get Booked are for 3 top tips on trying to achieve good mental well-being and possibly while through dating. What advice would you give to our listeners? I would say definitely do some physical activity. Just to get those endorphins. Um, I go running, um, and I love it. And, um, I think that's quite good as well, especially if you've like— I know we're turning it around to dating a little bit, but even if we're in a situation where we're feeling a little bit down or we're a little bit confused about how a dating scenario went, run that energy off, run it off, and it will disappear. I think it works for anything, you know, whether we're had a rough day at work or whatever, run that negative energy off. Yes, I agree with you, it was— it's the best thing ever. Um, also I'd say, um, yoga. Um, I love doing yoga and a little bit of meditation. I'm not by no means great at meditation. You sort of sit there trying to silence those those thoughts in your mind, but sometimes it actually does bring some sort of peace and clarity. And, um, even if it's 5 or 10 minutes, uh, I tend to mix those two together. Um, I do, I do listen to my audibles while I'm doing exercise, whether it's indoor exercise in the gym or going for a run or something. But occasionally I switch it off and I use that time to kind just empty my head. And that's when, when we kind of busy all the mental thoughts, something else comes to mind. And you can meditate in so many different scenarios, can't you? Yes. Oh, absolutely, yes. And you're right, those thoughts that buzz around your head, just to silence them and not to feel that you're constantly thinking, um, about what to do, what's happening tomorrow, and just to focus on the present moment. Yeah, um, it's so important. Yeah, definitely. Um, I do struggle to just sit still. I mean, the idea of sitting on my sofa or sitting in my bed and not doing anything— I know I need to practice, and that's why it's called, you know, a meditation practice. It's not something you can just do immediately, but the benefits are incredible if you put the time in. Yes. What would be your third tip? Oh, oh gosh, that's the hard one. I think, um, I, I think just meeting up with friends, even if it's going for a walk or a coffee or even a glass of wine, and having that communication with someone. 100%. I love the idea that you've got to have a little bit of a brain dump every Friday with your two friends, and it's so cathartic. Yes. And yeah, brilliant. I absolutely love those 3 tips. And you know, we're all aware of the things that we should be doing, but sometimes we just need a little bit of a reminder. So thank you so much for those 3 tips. Um, and a final question I'd like to ask, um, and this is for just somebody in the public eye that you just think is smashing it out the park. You really like them, they've got something good to say, and Just because I say the public eye doesn't mean it has to be. It can be lit— could be your local newsagent who just completely brings you up. It's more to do with the inspiration of where people can find, you know, a positive influence out there. Yes, gosh, there's so many. Yeah, isn't there? I mean, I've— this is why I like my Audibles, because I, I love listening to Audibles where they're read read by the actual author. I'm listening to The Satsuma Project at the moment by Bob Mortimer, and I just, I love that whole idea. I think he's cracking, I think he's funny, and just sometimes, just when I want to have a little bit of a pick-me-up, listening to somebody like that with that mentality really kind of raises me. Yes, but well, I think, um, So I was reading, um, books by Eckhart Tolle, and I absolutely love them. So when I sort of do need a little pick-me-up, I do go back to reading those books, um, The Power of Now and A New Earth. And it just makes me think about, um, how I want to, um, live my life in a way. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? We find these positive influences and they remind us of who we want to be. Sometimes we just kind of get a little bit embroiled in social media and see somebody with perfect hair or the perfect winged eyeliner. We just think, yeah, why can't I do that? When in fact what is more important is, you know, just somebody who gives us a reminder of what is more important and just kind of lifts our soul a little bit. So Eckhart Tolle is brilliant. You smashed that out of the park because I, you know, I love him as well. Just some of the quotes, or actually just listening to him on YouTube, I think, you know, it's fantastic. Yes, brilliant. Thank you so much. I've absolutely loved chatting to you. As I said, I could have done this for hours relating to various dating stories. And to all those listening, please do get get in touch with your dating stories, you can get in touch at hazelbutterfield.com or get in touch on Twitter. And you can copy us both. You're on Twitter, aren't you? I am, yes. Uh, is it, is it Ragbir or Ragbir? Yes. Yeah. Um, but also there'll be details up on our social media so they can get in touch with you and find out a little bit more about you and when the next book is coming out. Come on, there's got to be another book coming. Oh, there might well be, yes. I think you might have to help me with that, Hazel. I'm ready and waiting. I'll meet you in the Hole in One in Windsor. Is it Hole in One or Hole in the Wall? Yes, the drinking hole. The drinking— I knew it was something. I should edit that to make it look like I got it perfect, shouldn't I? Thank you so much for chatting to you. On Get Booked for Women's and Men's radio station, and I do believe you're going to be doing a reading of your book which is going to follow this interview shortly. So thank you so much, and I look forward to welcoming you onto the show with the next book. Oh, thank you so much, Hazel. It's been a real pleasure. You are more than welcome. Hello, my name is Ragbir, and my debut novel 39 1 tells the story of Rachel Collins, who on her 39th birthday decides to embark on a quest to find her soulmate before she turns 40. Chapter 1: The Quest. Next year I enter the fourth decade of my life. It's a dirty word for me, known as the F-word amongst my close friends. Whenever they try to talk to me about what I'm planning for my 40th, I silence them and say, "Don't mention the F-word." They just laugh at me. By the way, most of them have already been there and find it amusing that I'm taking it so seriously. They are all married with 2.4 and living the imperfect dream, apart from Vince and Harry, who think a good bonk solves all life's miseries. Getting back to the F-word, yes, I'm in complete denial, I know. But how I remember those days dancing to Wham!'s Young Guns for the end-of-year school concert in the summer of '83, thinking how someday I would be married to my Andrew Ridgeley lookalike, only to discover my Andrew Ridgeley lookalike used to like whamming his fists into me. And I decided it was time to say goodbye to my Wham' days. So here I am, just turned 39, single, and for the past 7 years I haven't really had a serious boyfriend. I admit I have not explored all avenues. The thought of speed dating or even communal dinner dates horrifies me. The queuing up, the name badge, the viewing, and then the bids are cast. The image that comes to mind is that of cattle lining up to be auctioned. Oh yes, the rump looks good on that one, or no, too old to bear children. Okay, I'm being cynical, but just the thought of standing around with a group of humanimals all waiting to be sized up and examined, all suffering with the same affliction, is not my kind of fun. It's the desperate yearning look, the wait to see if someone has put a bid on you, the anticipation that this time the farmer has noticed your prize-winning qualities. No, it's another walk back to the fields. So yes, I know that I'm being very unfair. How can I possibly give an opinion on something I refuse to try? Then there's the internet. Well, remember as a child when your birthday was approaching, you'd get the Argos catalogue out and look through the pages and list all the things you'd like and then place the list where everyone can see it, normally stuck to the fridge door. Then when eventually your birthday comes around, you open your presents imagining which one from the list it is, only to be disappointed with yet another set of pajamas which you'll grow into, a pair of socks, a box set of bath foam, and soap on a rope. I have on a couple of occasions registered on dating sites, but what a lengthy process. Boredom sets in by the time I get to the type of qualities I'd like in my ideal partner, and before I know it, I start comparing the virtues of internet dating with the traditional method, and suffice to say, my Argos days are over. It's not that I can't get a boyfriend, I'm just not that good at keeping them. I've been told that I'm too fussy, too pretty, too nice, too independent, and once even that my standards are too high. I mean, really? So I've decided to go on a quest for the next 12 months to find my perfect imperfect soulmate. To explore all avenues, to accept all invitations even if they're not to my liking. I say perfect imperfect soulmate because let's face it, nobody's perfect. And although it's all very nice and lovey the first few years of a relationship, after a while all the things you tolerate for the love of the man becomes the things you absolutely hate in him, like the face shavings left in the sink the smelly wet clothes strewn everywhere. And I know you won't believe me, but once on entering the bathroom, I found poo halfway down the outside of the toilet bowl. And I'm not talking a little spot, I'm talking a great lump the size of a golf ball just clinging on to the side for dear life. The explanation I got was that it had fallen off the loo roll during the wiping process and landed on the outside of the toilet. Well, I can't really talk about that anymore, but my point is that if you really love someone and find that perfect imperfect soulmate, then what you do is laugh about it and put up with all his poo. So my quest to find my perfect imperfect soulmate begins. Well, it all began with my journey back from work. I decided to stop at this new store that had recently opened. It was one of those organic deli style shops So there I am trying the little titbits on offer at the antipasti counter. I was rather peckish after work, and as I'm popping the third feta-stuffed olive in my mouth, I feel eyes on me. I turn and catch a glimpse of him. He's pushing his little trolley around the corner of the aisle, but I know it's his eyes watching me stuff my face. 'Would you like to try the jalapeño stuffed?' I hear a voice from over the counter ask. 'No thanks, I'll just take a small tub of the feta olives please, seeing as I've eaten most of the ones on the tray,' I say, chuckling to the young lad who's serving me, but it goes over his head. I study his face to calculate how old he could be. He looks up and catches my eye as he passes the tub over the counter. At 39, I don't think I look too bad. A couple of grey hairs or so hidden under my brunette locks No wrinkles yet unless I smile too hard, and apart from a slight muffin top when I wear low-rise jeans, everything's in the right place. 'Anything else, madam?' he asks as I pop the tub in the basket. 'No, thank you,' I reply as I walk away and turn into the aisle where, a few feet away, I'm faced with the one whose eyes were on me when I was olive eating. He looks up and smiles and I pretend not to notice. As he walks past, and then I hear a French accent. 'Hello?' I turn to look at him. He's cute-ish. The accent is much cuter. 'Hi,' I say, half smiling, and walking on. Oh God, I hope I don't have any of those olives stuck in my teeth. I make it to the cheese counter and check my teeth with my tongue, and then notice a tray of cocktail sticks with cubes of cheese attached, and grab one, wolf it down, then use the stick to clear olive debris from my teeth. Then I hear a familiar voice. 'Can I help you with anything, madam?' It's the deli counter boy. He must have rollerbladed over. 'No thanks,' I mumble, trying not to look like I'm eating my way around the store. All I need now is a drink, and as I turn into the next aisle, there's an organic wine tasting table. I smile and think, you don't need to go out to a fancy bar with your girlfriends. Just turn up at the organic deli store and you can have a quick catch-up over nibbles. I smiled to myself and head on over to sample what's on offer. There's an elderly couple there chatting to the wine promoter lady, so maybe I could do a drink and dash without being noticed. I help myself to a weeny glass of red, knock it back and nod my head pretending that I'm listening to the narrative on the virtues of drinking organic wine, and then help myself to another. When she turns and looks at me, and asks my thoughts. Oh well, it's jolly nice, I say as I pop the empty vessel down and scoop up another thimbleful of happiness. And then I turn to the elderly couple and ask them what they think as I edge my way back to let them take center stage. I can see Mr. French Accent at the end of the aisle looking at something on the shelf, so I fake a hello and raise my hand as if to wave to him as I calmly walk away. I'm not going to shy away. The vino has helped to ease my demeanour. Besides, I haven't had a date in ages. And as we pass, he stops and introduces himself as François. Hi, I'm Rachel. I feel a bit awkward when I notice a lady close by glance over, raising her eyebrows, smiling as she snoops in on our conversation. I catch François taking a nose of my feta-stuffed olives in my basket. He looks up and smiles at me. He's not very tall but has a nice smile and accent, and after a small talk about the new store, he asked me if I'd like to go out sometime. I give him my number, say goodbye, and as I walk away slowly, I can hear him say that he'll call. Later that evening, I receive a message from François saying that he wants to meet me on Saturday at 6 PM. That's only 2 days away! What shall I wear? Where are we going? Casual or dressy? This calls for an emergency Friday night with the girls to discuss. Harriet and Naomi meet me at our usual Friday night hangout called the Drinkin' Hole. It's a little Spanish bar in Windsor that serves great tapas. I order a bottle of wine and 3 glasses and wait for them to arrive. Harriet is the all-important party girl who can handle her drink until she passes out, of course. She has a well-paid job that can afford her to buy whatever designer piece she likes and would not concern herself with how much she spent. Once she showed me a simple hair clip and told me that she'd paid £15 for it. To me it just looked like a plastic hair grip, but what do I know? Naomi is the quiet, doesn't drink too much, practical earth mother type who hasn't been shopping for herself in years and would rather go without than be a fashion-conscious victim. I've known both of them since school. They've both married young to their childhood sweethearts, and I suspect they think the grass is greener 'Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't.' 'French? I don't much like the French,' exclaims Naomi. 'Too arrogant, they think they're the bee's knees. And what's the thing with the snails?' 'Well, I think they're romantic, charming, and that accent is so sexy,' Harriet purrs. One for and one against. Great. Look, you haven't had a boyfriend in ages. "He could be the one," continues Harriet. "Well, as long as you don't serve us snails at your wedding, I'm fine with it," Naomi chips in, rolling her eyes. "Oh, for God's sake, it's only a date," I add, laughing. As I suspected, I'm none the wiser after meeting up with them. But I should remember that they haven't dated in years and I guess wouldn't have a clue anyway. And me? I feel like I've been dating for a lifetime and I still don't have a clue. That was today's guest, Rag Bear, with her debut novel 39 1. A little bit about today's guest: her family arrived in the UK in the early 1960s. Born in the Summer of Love in Slough, Berkshire, she found growing up in a family with a strict Indian father challenging to her free-spirited nature. I love that. Her Indian upbringing was neither traditional nor contemporary, and she found herself caught up in the middle of two very different cultures. She embraced the opportunity and left Slough in 1990 to attend the University of Portsmouth, where she completed a postgraduate in management studies. After graduating and fully enjoying the freedom that came with living away from home, she decided to travel to France with her Irish boyfriend. Her dreams of living in the South of France came crashing down when their car broke down on the roundabout on the Champs-Élysées. Her adventure was played plagued with disasters, and when money ran out by the time they'd reached Bordeaux, it was time to say goodbye to France. A move to the Republic of Ireland saw her experience the Irish way of life, and a year later she returned to the UK and her career as airline cabin crew began. Life in Bagshot, Surrey, she enjoyed enjoyed her life of travel and was fortunate to experience the many different cultures of the countries that she visited. Her debut novel, 39 1, was born in 2007, and writing the first 3 chapters came easily, as I'm sure many of you debut writers will appreciate. But life took an unexpected turn, and her desire for writing vanished. She moved back to Slough just before lockdown, and it was then that she came across her black writing folder that she found that she just couldn't put her pen to paper. And eventually, eventually, she got around to finishing 39 1, semi-fictional, semi-kind of autobiography biographical. And many of you that have been on dating sites or have embarked on serial dating will enjoy and understand and enjoy the experience that Ragbir has talked about today. And myself, with my own woes and tales of dating, so many of us I'm sure can understand the trials and tribulations. It's a fantastic book, it's endearing, it's great fun. Please do go and check her out and go and buy the book. Let's go and support our debut authors out there. Thank you so much for listening to today's Get Booked with me, your host Hazel Butterfield, for Women's and Men's Radio Station.