Healing Image Hi – Coping With Anger

Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station for another in my series called Healing Image High. Thank you for listening today, and this recording is available all this week from 7 in the morning and 7 PM, and that's British summertime. This week I've decided to speak about something that I do have problems with, and I think it's something that a lot of people do actually struggle with, but it's a difficult topic or not something that really comes up very much in conversation, and by the time you're through it, it's a little bit too late. But I do have problems, so, coping with anger. I, I don't mean to, it's just the way that things are. I do suffer from complex PTSD, so complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and something called DID, which is dissociative identity disorder. Which, living in the UK, I don't really feel that I fit into this country very well because we don't have any guidelines set out by the, the board that sets out sort of training and diagnosis and treatment for, for diseases or anything that's identified. So even though Dissociative Identity Disorder disorder, there's an awful lot of research about it. In fact, it's been going on for about 40 years. I'm living in a country where it's just not recognized, and, um, it has taken me 33 years now to get to the Clinic for Dissociative Studies in London, and that's a long time of my life that I've been, um, sort of in in therapy in one way or another, um, and not actually getting the specialist treatment that I needed. There are therapists that are trained to deal with, um, this sort of trauma, but they need to be trained in Europe or the United States where this is— DID is recognized. And so training diagnosis and treatment are something that are available. I was first diagnosed 7 years ago when I was— I went to a private residential facility in the United States, and they, they identified what I had there. They knew my history, which is that I was abused as a child And they also had sort of cameras where they could observe if something happened or occurred. And what they saw in me was dissociating. So it's where my— I couldn't actually physically move, leave my whole body, or remove myself from the situation. Of harm. So my mind did it, it took itself somewhere else, so I was almost out of my body. And so I have these different parts that managed to deal with these things in a certain way because I was also living another life with, you know, my family and school and all the other things that sort of happen during your, your childhood years. And I just— what I have from it is feeling very confused as to having, you know, things that I didn't like and things that hurt happened to me, and that it just wasn't— it was so obvious to me, but nobody else could see it. So I'm now 57, and I, you know, I, I kind of try and fit in and get on and manage things, but this week's been particularly difficult for me. I am on medication which I was put on 7 years ago in America, and I have not had a review of medication for 7 years, and it needs to be done. And I think everybody, whatever you're taking, you should ask for a review of your medication, but nobody that I've seen has got the skills to do it. And I've been getting very frustrated about this. I've been doing a lot of research online trying to get some— find someone that could help me, and and I actually managed to get a response from somebody, but they're based in, in Scotland and I'm fairly near London, but it seems that they will work with the therapist that I'm with at the moment, and my treatment with her is predicted to last 5 or 6 years, so It's been a huge relief to find somebody, but it's also been extremely frustrating and I don't know, just disappointing. And I don't understand why, why somebody can't just help me when this is all I know. So, um, yeah, I've been a— I suppose I have been quite angry about it. Not just for, for myself, but for other people who might be in a similar situation. And I'd really like to try and change this. I've even spoken to the people in the UK that set guidelines. They're called NICE, N-I-C-E. And I had a lovely conversation with someone there who said that yes, this is a problem. Um, they have phone calls about it from, from time to time, but it's all to do with, um, the World Health Organization, and there's a lot of things that is not— they're not within my control. And I've also been having pretty bad night terrors. I seem to go through episodes where I have them, and I don't know if it's because I'm tired. So the more I have, the less sleep I get, and the more sort of traumatized and anxious I feel about going to sleep. And it's exhausting. The whole thing is exhausting. It's very easy for, you know, my family are rather used to it by now, but I'm not sure they really truly understand how distressing and exhausting it is for me and how I want to protect them. You know, I'm a wife and a mom, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, you know, I've got friends as well, and I don't want what happened to me to sort of really impact any more on their lives than it has already because It really, really has, and, you know, that's a huge, huge regret and something that I can't change the past, but I can certainly work on the future. So I've been worn out, pretty, you know, feeling despair really that nobody could help me with this medication, and then I've also had the there's other difficulties that I have. We've got rail strikes as well at the moment, so I understand that there's reasons, um, for that, but it's meant that I've not been able to actually get to my therapy appointment because there isn't a way to get there. So we've used Zoom, which is good, but it really, really isn't the same. I do have, um, friends who know that I do go to London once a week, and they've said, oh, you know, that's— why don't you just do Zoom all the time? Then you wouldn't need to go into London and spend that time traveling. Well, I need to go to my session. I need to go and see my therapist face to face. My session is for 2 whole hours every week. Which is a lot. Even privately, a session, a therapeutic session, is about 50 minutes, and you're— it's expensive. And it's, it's not like fixing a, a broken bone. You don't quite know how long it's going to go on for, and you also might not be with quite the right person. I've actually in my life had, um, without counting people who— when I've been in hospital really, but more outpatient— I've had about— this is number therapist number 18 that I'm now with. So trust is a big thing too, and I do feel in some— a lot of ways quite angry that it has taken so long for me to get the help that I need. And I also get another hour of time to spread over the week, or using one 60-minute slot with my therapist, to help sort of see how the week's going, or if there's anything that comes up, or, you know, good things that have happened. And so we keep a record of things like that, so I feel really lucky. Well, this week I've just been— I don't know, things sort of came to a head and I've just been pretty angry about everything and anything and nothing, and my husband has said to me, you just seem So angry all the time. And it's a really difficult one because anger is a natural emotion. I understand that mine probably at times is inappropriate and I can turn into that, like my behavior It's like somebody who's like completely crazy and like a very, very different person to how they would really normally be and want to be. So I kind of— I have to take a bit of responsibility for this, but then I also think other people do too. Um, and I've had a situation that has been, um, annoying, uh, unnecessary inconsiderate. This is my opinion of it anyway. For a few months now, and there aren't that many places that I actually go. I, I go out, not compared to what I used to do. I find, I find going out quite difficult, and I stick to safe places. So every day I walk my dog and I meet my friends with their dogs and we have a coffee. That's our morning briefing, and it's great. It really— it's been a massive lifeline for me to actually go and speak to people, like real people, sit down and spend some time with them. We don't just message or anything on the phone, we actually sit down and listen. And our lives, um, all of us, for the 6 years that I've been doing this now have changed in a lot of ways. We've been through an awful lot of things together, and we are a very, very close group. And we would never ever have met if it wasn't for having our, our dogs and just all going to the same place to get a coffee before you turn around and go home. So I feel really lucky with that. But this, this issue— that's my safe place in the morning. And then the other safe place that I have is when I go to the gym. I find going to— I go to a particular gym, it just is a gym, it doesn't have other things. There's no sort of swimming pool or big spa area or big changing room or anything like that. It's just you know, a working gym, and I have someone there who helps me with my exercise. I need to exercise. It's really good for me. It's a positive thing. It helps to focus my mind. I also feel like I achieve. I, I'm pretty determined. I enjoy the challenge, and I feel a lot better afterwards. But I have to, to drive there, which is, is okay, but it's down a really, really busy industrial area, and there's a place for me to park. And for the past, I don't know, a few months, quite a few months now, I've had trouble with the parking arrangement. So I try and park my car, but there are other businesses around it who like to not use the spaces, park on the double yellow lines, park on the pavement, and just— or not use the space properly, like go over the space and into mine, so I've got less room to get in. And the people from this company they sit outside, they have their sandwiches, they— and if I ask someone to help me, just see me in, because, uh, you know, I don't really want to damage my car, um, and there's just one person, then yeah, they've been really helpful and I've said thank you and gone about my business and then gone back, got in the car and gone home. But I don't know what's happened, if they've taken on a load more staff, but Now they're outside in groups of usually about 4 of them, you know, having a break, sitting on the wall, and I've asked for help and they've not wanted to help. I think maybe it's because there's a group of them where they look at each other as if to say, "Well, I'm not doing it," and, "Well, I'm not doing it either." and they've kind of watched me really struggle. And one of the things I have learned about myself is that I get angry when I can't understand what people are doing to me, like what, what the response is to my request, and that their actions don't seem to fit with what I've asked before, and there's no way in my brain that I can possibly make sense of it. So this has rather been building, and I think from speaking as somebody who was abused as a child, I can be told all the facts, all the statistics, the research, the process of therapy, the why I am as I am But the one thing that I cannot understand is why the people that hurt me hurt me. I just can't make sense of it, and that makes me really, really angry. So as I am somebody with dissociation, I've got different parts. So like normally I'm absolutely like I'm fine as long as I've got my routine and I know what I'm doing and I know where I'm going. So this has sort of been building up and up, and they, you know, they've, they've watched me struggle to park, and then they've gone and parked to block me in when I want to leave, and I don't, I don't want the confrontation. I can't understand why anybody would actually do that to someone and make their life difficult because they have got plenty of parking spaces, um, and they don't use them. They just prefer to block me in or block my sightline onto a really busy road and It's just gone on and on and on. And the— this week I could not get into my space because they had 3 cars and 1 van on a yellow 9, and there are people in them. So I just went to the, the van and said, would you mind moving so I could just get into the space? I need to go to the gym. And just started shouting at me and saying, I'm, I'm dropping something off, I'm delivering. I said, okay, that's great, but you know, are you going now? I'll wait. No. And it was honestly— and then all these people came out and were from the same company and they were saying that they can park where they want, it doesn't matter, I should go find somewhere else. It was just, it's just really upsetting that people can behave like that. And this, yeah, it's really been going on for such a long time because I did park somewhere else once and then one of them got into the vehicle in front of me and put it into reverse. So I had to beep my car to stop them hitting me, and they got out and went, 'Oh, sorry, I didn't look back at all.' So I just think, I just don't know, just have a bit of kindness. I mean, the week before, I was in a shop, and I did speak about this in my broadcast with Rosamaria Colina. And the person in front of me had a young child with them. They were holding a big bag of, well, of large marshmallows, and they were buying a fire pit. So I presume, put those two and two, well, put those two together, that they're going to toast some marshmallows. It's the school holidays, that's quite a nice thing to do. Anyway, his, his, um, payment card didn't work, so he didn't have another form of payment with him, and the shop was, I don't know, not going to be open for that much longer. So I said, like, honestly, please just let me, let me buy this for you, and I hope you can go home and enjoy it and, and go and toast your marshmallows. And he was like, "Oh no, I can't do that, I can't accept that." I said, "Well, you can, because I'd really like you to have your evening as planned, and I can buy that for you." And so people— I usually always find that people have been kind to me and my family. And he was really grateful, and then, you know, went home and we said goodbye. And that felt like a really nice thing to do. So I don't understand why this group have now decided to do this. So they know I've gone in and struggled, then they've blocked me in completely, and then I have to go into their place of work, stand by the reception while they're on the phone or dealing with, um, Yeah, but mostly on the phone. I have to wait for the conversation and then I have to ask if they mind moving the class so I could go home, and the answer's been, well, no, we're not moving that form for a bit, or you'll have to wait. Um, just, just really unhelpful, and it's built up and up and up, and then The other day I, I just lost the plot completely and I was so angry. I didn't want to cry, but I felt like I wanted to, so maybe I should have cried. So the best thing really is to try and remove yourself from these sorts of situations, but I couldn't because I needed my car to get away from a situation. And I think, um, well, I know that I wasn't myself. And I, you know, when I do get angry like this, I can absolutely look like some screaming crazy woman. And I actually don't have any idea really of what I've said, just this anger comes out. So I do, but I have a lot of anger because what happened to me I've got so much unresolved anger, so if somebody triggers me to be angry, then it sort of taps into that vein of unresolved anger, and it's just— it's terrible. I hate it. I— it hurts. It It feels like it physically hurts. And yeah, anyway, so it's just been, been really, really bad. Now, I did ask for some help from the gym about this because I was, I was quite upset when I got, um, when I got there one day having had this sort of confrontation, and they tried to to help, and the guys said, we apologize for what we said, because they called me some pretty unpleasant things. Um, but they, um, they, they want— they, they think that they can do this, and I'll just have to wait. I don't really think this is really good enough, so I got— I have to do something about this. Like, I can't keep putting myself in a situation where I'm going to get angry. The best thing would be for me to stop going to the gym and just avoid this at all, because I get quite anxious when I leave home going there. Now, this might seem like a really silly thing, but I just want to try and explain how if somebody's asking for help then they need the help. I don't ask for help unless I really, really need it. I'm not that sort of person, and I, I try not to draw attention to myself. And this has caused an awful lot of sort of attention, negative attention on me, where people are shouting out of their vehicles at me, and then other people come out to have a look and see what's going on, and I'm just left standing there. I'm 57, and I really would hope that people would have it in them to treat me with a little bit of respect. Um, so anyway, it's, it's gone a bit like that. And when I was in this office, having waited for them to get off two phone calls, and I've got things to do, I've, you know, I want to get home, and I, I, um, 'Yeah, I do. I want— you know, I don't think this is quite right.' So, well, I rather lost the plot, and, um, I don't know what I was saying, or I knew I was feeling— I was just feeling that I just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear, but I couldn't. So I, I just like verbally got quite aggressive, I guess, and it's just anger coming out. My other safe place would be sit in the car with music. That's a really good thing for me. Well, I couldn't do that either. And so, um, oh goodness, I've had to do some homework this week. I have a book, and anybody who has like complex trauma, then I really recommend this one. I got it when I was in the United States, and my therapist uses it, so I've had it for a while. But with her guidance, I do go to it because it's like a, a manual, and it's called Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation Skills Training for Patients and Therapists. It's by Suzette Boone, Kathy Steele, and Onno van der Hart, and van der Hart is somebody who's really, really well known for his work with DID. So it's quite a big book, but it's broken down into chapters, and it has things that are for patients, and then it has other sections that are for therapists. Well, I do not touch the therapist ones. That's in language that, um, is not for me right now. So I've gone to the, the chapter and done the reading, and there are some exercises and a little bit of homework that you can do with this. And my— the section is just called Coping with Anger. So I had to make some notes and try and understand what on earth is going on with me, because I had to go back into that office and apologize for my anger and for my behavior. And to be honest, I don't actually even really know what my behavior was like. It didn't last for long, but I wasn't present. I dissociated into a part of me inside that's got a lot of anger, anger in it. So it would have appeared that this anger was really not appropriate. Although, like, being blocked, physically blocked in— I mean, I can't drive over vehicles and I can't see through vehicles either, so I don't know what more I could really have done. Um, maybe sometimes people when they get in a group become a bit more unreasonable, or I don't know, they thought I was not a very good driver. So anyway, so I've been having to study this chapter about coping with anger, and so I was going to share it with you because if it's not you that gets angry, or some— you might be in a situation where you— well, you might even meet me and see me going off on one, but it is natural and it is really should be sort of a healthy response, but I think in me it triggers so much that I've just not been able to, to look at, to talk at, to fully face it yet. So it, it comes out and it's not how I want to be. It really is not how I want to be. So I also have had a Yeah, this will add this one too. So my, my parents have had to go through an awful lot, um, uh, realizing that what happened to me and seeing how it all got put into place from when we were— I was very young within the family, right this way through to me sort of growing up and being older. They can They can see it, and it's— I can't— I'm a mum, and I cannot imagine what that must be like to know what happened to your child and on your watch. And my parents are extremely caring. They did a lot for me. They made sure that I was taken to places and brought back sort of safely. I wasn't allowed to play out in the street when some of my neighbours' kids did, and I really would have liked to have done that, but no, they wouldn't let— so really it's the last thing they would have expected. They thought that I had problems with sort of food and, and things like that, and I was fairly quiet, but I was also very compliant because I had learned that the best thing to do was to, to do what you were told and that it would be over and then be all right. Well, the thing is, it's not ever been over and it's never really been all right. So, you know, my, my poor mom, when I go and see her— and I do go and see them quite a lot, you know, they're pretty elderly now— and It's something that I would love to take away from them, but I can't. But on the other hand, I need them to be my parents, and I, I need also to— I answer their questions. So sometimes my mum will have something that will suddenly pop into her head, or she'll say, oh, I was thinking about such and such. Was that another time when— was that, was that— and You know, I answer as best I can without trying to cause her too much distress, although she's already been distressed because she's been through the police investigation with me, and that was distressing for anybody, and it's certainly not something I ever wanted for any member of my family or my friends because it involved a lot of people. And then my mum would just sit there and say, I'm just such a bad mum, I'm a terrible, terrible mum, I'm the worst mum, I'm this, that, and the other. She hasn't got a nice thing to say about herself during those times, and that's really hard for me because I just want to love my mum and for my mum to love me and for us just to feel happy. And spend some nice times together, but it's not always that way. And I do come away and I get upset and I get quite angry and I feel quite despairing that we're, we're going through this situation and it's still ongoing. So my coping with anger is the chapter, fairly big chapter, but Most of it I understand. There are some bits of it I don't, so I've made some notes and I'm going to take that to a therapy session. I'm going to take it with me, so I've physically got a book where I've written notes in, but there might be something else that comes up on Thursday and we maybe don't talk about this, although I have, um, messaged my therapist so she knows, you know, in case I completely forget that this has been a bit of an issue, because going and apologising to those people who I feel have pretty much provoked me to, you know, I've reached the end of my patience, is not something that I want to do. It's sort of embarrassing. It makes me feel quite ashamed and it makes me realize that I've got work to do, and I really wish the work didn't need doing anymore. But I did do a little bit of research about this company, and they're actually part of a really big group. So the internet's pretty good, but it's very difficult to actually find contact details for for the right people in organizations because although they're visible online, they're difficult to get. So I phoned the switchboard of the Mane and I just said, I really have no idea if anybody can help me or anyone can just listen to this, but this is a situation I'm in all the time and I'm actually thinking about stopping doing something that's good for me. And the person I spoke to was just like, well, I need to think about this. I'm not quite sure. I understand what you're saying and I'm really sorry for that, and I'm not quite sure who would best— but I will— I've got your phone number. It shows on the, on their, you know, call-in log thing, and I'll call you back by the end of the day. Well, I was really nice and I I kind of wasn't really expecting that they would, but they did. She phoned back and she'd spoken to somebody and they were going to call me the next day if that was all right with me. So I said, yeah, be fine. Anyway, they phoned and said— I did say, I don't know, I did scream and shout and I'm sorry, but I got pushed to that. And I do suffer from sort of trauma. And, you know, going to the gym is a physical good thing for me to get rid of some energy. And this has just been going on now for months, and I feel very intimidated. I don't know if it's right that I should be feeling that way, but me as a person, that's how I'm feeling. And they've just been so— they were really helpful, and they actually went down to see this place and they've stopped the double yellow line parking and the parking on the pavement and said, you know, it's also a health and safety issue because you could never get a fire truck down there if an accident happened or anything. And I said, no, it's just not right. And so I said, well, I really want to get on with these people, but could you just explain to them that if I ask for help I do need it. So anyway, that's it. Sorry, probably gone on about it a bit too much. And now the light's fading and I can hardly see my notes. So, you know, anger is there too. It's, it's a part of one of our emotions, but it can be really sort of powerful and frightening. And we also use it to sort of protect and distance ourselves. Well, it didn't really work though, it didn't protect me at all, and I couldn't get any distance because my car was blocked in. So if for someone like me who's got an awful lot of unresolved, um, trauma, then my anger can be sort of expressed in destructive ways. And I know that it's happened, um, in other situations. Um, it's happened. Um, I mean, I think this was kind of a time to get angry where I spent a whole day decorating our dining room for Christmas, and some family members came round, and I do the cooking, but they took over. And so I decided the best thing to do would be just to let it, let it be, just let them do it. It was fine. But what I didn't know is that one of them had gone and lit all the candles in the dining room and probably about 2 hours before we were going in there. Um, and these candles had burnt pretty quickly, so by the time I went in there to, to start putting plates in there, my dining room was on fire. Like, the table was, the mantelpiece, the mirror. We had orange flames all up one wall and going across the ceiling. I mean, this was like so bad, and I lost it then. I dissociated. I actually put the fire out myself and was screaming. And then the people who'd taken over my— I was a hostess. Um, apparently my language was so bad. I don't think there are even words that I really know, but they came from somewhere. And yeah, it was pretty bad. And then I had to apologize. I had to personally apologize to every one of my guests for my language and for the amount of screaming. And I think I was actually running around the house in pain. I just couldn't believe that someone had done this dangerous situation. Situation and I couldn't handle it. So I know that I've just got these anger issues, but they do— in a day-to-day, I'm pretty okay. And I did buy someone a fire pit, so I've got to learn to try and regulate and manage these because it uses up so much energy. And, you know, I, I've— I must have been angry for years and years with all the things that have happened to me. Not just from a child, but now I'm an adult and I understand what happened and that what really should not have happened and the damage it's done. You know, I've got physical damage as well as emotional damage, so I need to, to look at this, um, this anger. So if you, if you dissociate and anger is coming out, or you go to a part of you that has this anger, it just feels so out of control, and it has to like run its course. Um, it's extremely painful. I don't think I could actually explain the pain, but it really, really is extremely painful. And then afterwards, it's followed by sort of like a complete collapse, um, sort of in exhaustion really. And it also makes me withdraw from, um, from everybody, even myself. I just go quite into myself. So I need to, to learn that, you know, I've got to stop being, um, allowing it to make me appear aggressive because I am not an aggressive person. If you ask me for some help, I will help you all that I can. So I need to, you know, it's like, it is, it really does feel like the people that hurt me, I can't understand why they did it, although that's to a more severe degree and especially to a child, but these The group of people now that are sort of gathered who know that they can block me in and annoy me, um, because it is annoying and it's, it's also, um, I don't understand it really, but you know, something has to stop. And so I've gone in and apologized and, and I've also spoken to somebody who and said like, is this correct? Because this is correct, then I'm gonna have to maybe stop going to the gym or go and park elsewhere, although I'm not quite sure where. So I got some help, and that was really helpful just to have somebody tell me that no, it wasn't really acceptable and I shouldn't have to repeatedly be inconvenienced like this. So that felt quite— that felt a bit better because the shame that I felt after um, being angry and also sort of going up to the gym and just like being in floods of tears. It's not how I want people to see me. I don't want people to think that I'm like that. I'm going there to the gym, it's like a, you know, it's a, a business arrangement, you know. I'm going, I, I do my session and I, I pay the for the use of it, and then I come home. And my private life, I like to try and keep private, because if people see that vulnerable, sort of angry side of you, I worry that it's going to change their perception and how they see and think about me. I don't— I trust these people, actually. They are really professional and they're very nice, and I think they would understand that I've probably just been pushed a bit too far. But, but it's really not. I want them to think of me as somebody who goes along and tries hard and who's determined and who genuinely is trying and is enjoying, you know, the— to work out. Because I put on 2 stone with the menopause, like having HRT, and it has been the hardest weight to shift that I've ever, ever needed to shift. And I've had 3 children where I managed to shift my, my weight after that. And there have been a few other times where I've not been well enough to perhaps do exercise and my eating's been a bit out the window, but I've managed to exercise and, and gain back control. So it's really important that I do keep going to the gym. So I've got to try and separate what happened to me as a kid and the anger I feel about that and not attach it to anything that's in present time. So my therapist would call this time tagging. So I can say, right, it is appropriate to feel angry about, um, which happened to me when I was a child, and the child part of me is, is angry because I was left on my own with this, and there's some pretty awful things that happened. I watched, um, something on Netflix about— it's a, you know, 5 episodes, and it was basically starting from the 9/11 terror attacks in in New York, and they were, uh, it sort of went on about how different presidents came into the US and then how they were trying to deal with terrorists, and then they tried to send some to, uh, you know, like, um, a place, a holding place for who they thought were terrorists so that they could get information for them. And then they had actually listed things that were done to these people, and they called it enhanced interrogation. And then some of the people involved in this documentary said it was torture. And there were a list of about 6 things. Well, 3 of them happened to me as a, as a child. Like, this is what people in the CIA and the, I don't know, other intelligence places and things who, who are in this area and are professional people are saying is intense interrogation or torture techniques. So like, they happened to me, and that's really, really hard to take in. So I don't want to walk around the world like, I, you know, had all this happen to me and blah blah blah, but I do need to sometimes spend some time, like what I've done now, is go through this anger, coping with anger, and try and identify how I feel, how I can possibly deal with it. And I really, I basically want to try and stay a lot calmer and not get into these situations because when I came home and I was absolutely in bits about it. My husband said, 'It seems to be something about you. You can create chaos.' And I was like a bit offended, but I actually do understand where he's coming from. So we had a little chat about it. Um, he finds it all very difficult to understand and thinks that what's in the past is in the past and that you leave it and move on. Well, I wish, I absolutely wish, and bless him, I know he's trying to help, but it's not quite like that. But I think that I do— I cause chaos when I dissociate. If I'm just normal me, authentic we call it, authentic self, then I'm fine. I'm not, you know, I'm kind of normal, I like people, I'm interested in things, I try to be positive and put myself in situations where I'm going to feel safe and happy. But if I dissociate, then unfortunately this huge, great volcano, earthquake, like all major disasters that you could possibly think of, comes out in such a destructive way. So I've written all these notes and I was going to read them out, but I'm not worthless. I don't need to feel ashamed. I don't— I shouldn't be made to feel pushed so that I become out of control. And I've got to try— I have to learn to deal with this. But I know that for something as severe as what happened to me, then I've got to do the work and take this to my therapist, even though I actually don't want to talk about some of the things that happened to me. Sometimes, I mean, having this extra hour over every week. That's even if she's on holiday. I mean, that's how great the support is that I have, and I hang on to the fact that I have great support, and I'm going to use it and be receptive to it. But I just would like to get through the week in a normal way. I don't know if there's a thing about me, if I'm a bit I don't know, offensive in the way that I speak to people. And I know that I was getting worried that I was going to be late, maybe that came out too. But basically I just felt worn down and that there's absolutely no point in expecting any help from, you know, it's basically good manners not to ever block anybody in when they're out parking their car. I mean, it's, it's just not something I could imagine that anybody would do, but to do on a regular basis, I, I think I felt that it was, it was me, like I was a target again. For something that wasn't very nice, that felt horrible, and were in a situation I didn't want to be with. But anyway, we sorted it out now. So there's another message: when you are able to take yourself back from that situation and sort of calm down, um, I mean, I think that was probably quite a pounding of a gym session I did because I needed to to get some of that anger out. And the gym does help me. Physical exercise is something that I find I need to do, and it helps. So I'm not going to give it up. But when I sort of sat down and really reflected on it, it's like I have this little spot that I sit on, on our patio, and then I sort of look down the garden and It's, it's just like looking at something but not really being there. So I'm like looking at nothing, staring at things, but it's not really going in. And there's just a huge, huge sadness that I don't want, but it's not, it's not going away. So I need to, to do the work. To find the courage to try and communicate to my therapist the best I can, because actually she's been doing this job, this work, for so, so many years that she will, she will know before I even say it. But obviously it's led by me. So I've got to find the courage to really talk about why these things happen because it's just— it can't— it has to go and I do not want it to be the legacy of what happened to me. I want the legacy of what happened to me to be speaking on the radio to like having my Healing Image High website about positive things, about things that I've done, like, you know, work with image professionals, which was really, really important to me. I've tried to be open and honest about what it's like living with trauma. And if you're— somebody's not serving you well, whether it's somebody blocking you in, in the car, or it's a therapist that's really not helping you then you do have the power to do something about it and use that power in a positive way and, and not, not be angry. And a lot of these things, you know, these aren't personal relationships. These are things that are just going to pass through and change and go. And that's what I need to, to remember too. So I'm actually going there tomorrow, and this will be the first time since I've spoken to the person who was in management and not just available for that site but for sites pretty much all over the UK. So they do have, you know, a way that they expect to be seen as a company, and this was falling short. And I got an apology, and then I did apologize for the fact that I may have shouted and said things that I weren't really very nice, and I'm sorry for that, but that's what happens when I get that upset. So I'm going to really work on my self-care. So I'm going to make sure that I try and get like a decent amount of sleep. I'm going to stop looking at my tablet to try, because that's what I do. I can't lie in— I take medication to sleep, but if I just lie there and wait for it to kick in, then I get, I get so restless and the stuff starts going round and round in my head. So then I think, all right, I'll just grab my iPad and I'll, um, I'll watch something, or I'll try and write some I can't really write stuff because my husband's fast asleep and he doesn't really want me to put the light on. And it also means that I can't read. So I like— my preference is to read actual books, not on a tablet. So if it means that I need to go into another room and read or write with the light on until I start to feel that I'm going to fall asleep, then I'm gonna do that. And I also, I need to, to make sure that I give myself enough time to get to places so that I don't feel anxious about, you know, time. It's much better to be early than to be, to be late. And the gym won't mind if I rock up a bit early. There's always somebody to have a bit of a chat to. So that's, that's been my homework for this week, is trying to look at my anger. I, I've also— one of the points that the, this chapter in this book has also brought up is that you can like use anger as a defense mechanism, as a way to, you know, not consciously, but to try and stop you becoming close to people, or you just haven't got any trust in people or trust in yourself. So there's anger at me too in the way that I respond to situations. So I'm just so thankful that I am getting help. I also feel heard over this one, and I'm sorry if I've like talked about it over and over and over, but that's another thing that happens when you do have mental health issues, that you can become obsessed and fixated on one thing. So, you know, if it's okay to say that you feel angry I just— just what needs to change for me is the way I deal with it. Or I just go from 0 to 100 when I don't really need to. Like, 0 to 10 would be fine and we could be able to sort things out. And I, um, you know, if you saw me and you met me, you wouldn't expect that I could just change and turn into a different part, but unfortunately it does happen. And as I said, in the UK, I always know that it's something that's just not known about in the UK. I needed to see a doctor about a physical problem that I had, and they were like, can we have a bit of your medical history? I see you blah blah blah, because they do have access to your notes, and then I He said, oh, it says you've got Dissociative Identity Disorder. What's that? Well, I can't really explain it. You know, this is a consultant and they don't, they don't understand it because it's just not a thing here in the UK. So I've already got this massive stumbling block when it's something that has actually changed me as who I could have been as a person. I don't actually really know who I'm really meant to be. If we took out the abuse, I wouldn't be sitting here talking about this on the radio and, you know, having done a chapter of homework on coping with anger and having sort of gone a bit crazy at people when I really don't want to do that. I want to learn to live with this. I want to learn to have a happy life, and I need to learn to time tag it. So I'm not going to worry tomorrow when I go to park my car because that was last week. That's the time tag on it. And all the pain and the anger that I felt from a kid, that belongs— that happened a long time ago. Unfortunately, it's unresolved, so it's with me now. So anyway, I hope this has helped. Um, I think everybody needs to try and remember to be a little kinder to each other. And to be kind to ourselves. So I've only got 10 seconds left, so I need to say goodbye and to thank you for listening and to hope that everybody has a good week.