Healing Image Hi – Triggers And Isolation

Hello, this is Eva May and I'm speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station for another in my series called Healing Image High. Last week, if you listened to my broadcast, I was speaking about coping with anger. There's a lot of things in my life that I I do feel angry about, but I've also got an awful lot of my— of things in my life that I need to remember that are really, really— they're good and joyous, and that, you know, they're here, they're there, and they've definitely happened, and there's, there's lots and lots of them. And in some ways, those are easy to almost separate out As I'm recording this right now, I'm sort of sitting in, in our study, and I've always, from a very early age, from when I got my first camera, in the days when you used to have to put a reel of film in and hope that you hadn't exposed the back with too much light and that you did get some photographs back to look at once you manage to put them in and wait for them to be developed. So I've always taken photographs. I've enjoyed it, and I'm looking at now around me, and I've got really big frames with photographs going back decades almost like a sort of collage. There must be, well, there's 8 of them and they're pretty big and, you know, they've got my children, some time before children, pictures with sort of family members, my grandparents who are no longer alive, they're just like, there's just so many things that are good. There's nothing on in these photographs at all that is not good or invokes a good memory. Um, so maybe I, I should sort of sit in here and look at these a little more, uh, often. Because what I do now is I do take photographs. I kind of miss the day when you had a camera you know, and now because it's on the phone. When I had a camera, I used to always sort of print my photos or put the camera cord through the TV so everyone could see them on screen, whereas now I don't get to see everybody's photographs. They're all on their phone. Some get shared, but most don't. But what I do is I take photographs pretty much every day. And when I go to bed, the last thing I do is look at the photographs that I've taken of the day. Like, it's quite good, you can edit them now, or you can delete them, and if, if you've not got quite a good one. But I really make a point of looking at these things because I take photographs of things that I notice and that I like. So there's a good reason why I took them, and I think it helps me actually. And well, the phone that I've got somehow sort of does little video clips for me of my photographs. Well, they're not really videos, it's just a series of the photographs with the date of maybe when I took quite a few, and I've really enjoyed that. It's not something that I'd be able to put together myself. So, um, I mean, actually, I've just spotted a couple of photographs that are, um, that I've got 3 children, so, um, there's a lot of memories and photographs up here when, when you've got 3 children who are who are now well into being adults. So when I had my second child, my eldest one was nearly 5, and I had a great time with him actually, you know, just having the one until he was nearly 5. And then my daughter was born and, you know, it was— of course the pictures of them together here I'm looking at and yeah, it was really, really great but there's a couple of photos that I've just seen actually and it is a happy time that's captured but it's also— it reminds me of very difficult times and a time where I actually didn't have— there wasn't a choice of what to do in this situation, because when my daughter was 14 months old, she was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. So the photograph I'm looking at is when she was on her treatment, which lasted for nearly 4 years, and she was in Great Ormond Street, which is a very famous children's hospital in London, in the UK. And I'm extremely grateful for what, what we had, the help, the, the medical care, and the research that had been done. And, um, you know, my daughter is is now 28 years old. But in this picture, there's my, my son and my daughter, and if you looked at it, you just think it looks like they're having a picnic because they're sitting on the floor and there's a blanket there and some plates. But if you look a little closer, my, my daughter is, is on a a drip line of chemo that was going into her, which used to go into a special sort of— they called it a port, so like a door that was under her skin, and that's where the medicine went in. And, and it's in her room in the hospital, which was, you know, it was a fair size, and it had a bed for me, and it had a bathroom. And then obviously this, the floor area, but she wasn't allowed out because she didn't have an immune system due to the treatment. So, but if you look at this picture, you just see, you know, two kids having, having a picnic, and I used to, to try and make this time as good as I could for all of us. So we were, we were in a room, um, my son was allowed to be with me, um, which was great, um, and there also was a day, um, sort of play, um, group that he could go to in the hospital because sometimes it really wasn't appropriate for him to remain in a room for for too long, and also with procedures and things going on, then I couldn't care for both of them, and my husband was working. I mean, there's no way that he could stop work for 4 years of treatment. So I'm looking at this photograph and it makes me smile, it makes me really proud of my kids, and it brings back sort of those memories and You know, my son is there and my daughter, they're both really smiling. And another thing we used to do was make camps as well with the hospital bedding and just ways to play, which children seem to be able to do in any situation. So yeah, I've been looking at these and yeah, it's, it's brought back quite a lot of thoughts. But I, I've had a really terrible week and maybe I should have sat in here earlier and looked at these because these actually have really helped. There's a— yeah, it's just I should have looked at these earlier and I probably would have felt better this week. But anyway, and there's pets that we used to have as well, which we don't have any longer. But so I think that having— looking at photographs and things is a really— I didn't realize actually till right now how important it was. And, um, I hardly come in here. I only ever come in here once a week to do a broadcast. So, um, I, I need to get myself in here a bit more and maybe just look at these pictures and perhaps print some new ones out. And let's update and get another collage somehow on the wall. Um, we don't have any wall space soon, but my week's not really been very good. So last week I was talking about, um, coping With anger. And I, I sort of reference this to a situation that had happened to me, um, which I, to be honest, I just didn't really— I don't know how to cope with it. I thought it was being dealt with, but it hasn't, and I actually still do not know how to cope with it. I've tried, um, I made a right hash of it. I think, um, it's a situation where I would explain it a little bit more, but, um, I don't— it shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't happen. It shouldn't happen to me, and it shouldn't happen to anyone, but it does. So I've got to try and deal with that, and it made me really, really angry last week. And it also led to my, um, my trip to London this week to see my therapist, where I'm being treated by a consultant psychotherapist for dissociative identity disorder, or DID. It's like complex PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, but if you sort of had a ladder of trauma and went to complex PTSD, then DID is one rung over. It's a bit more severe, and there are varying dissociative disorders. And it's taken me— I've said this so many times— but unfortunately it's taken me 33 years to actually get specialist help. Part of that reason, I think mostly that reason, is that I live in the UK and it's a country that doesn't have guidelines for dissociative disorders, which means that there aren't any trained professionals in the medical profession to deal with this, to diagnose and to treat. So I think if I'd been helped earlier, I wouldn't be quite how I am now. And I hope that people now are getting diagnosed earlier, but in the UK it's very, very difficult. And I've had many conversations with therapists, I've spoken to MPs, I've spoken to NICE, the organization that does set guidelines for medical care for specific conditions in the UK. They say, yep, it is a problem, but we don't have any guidelines. And I've also spoken to my family doctor about it too, and that's all this week. So I'm hoping that by doing these broadcasts can make people more aware, and I hope that we can actually start getting the training and things in place for people, because I had to go to I've been to America in various— well, in two places, one really good, one horrendous. I've been to places in the UK and I'd say that they were pretty much all horrendous, and that includes private care and private care in well-known places that if I named it, you'd know. So But I'm still, you know, what happened to me, I was abused from a child, groomed as a child, groomed as a family, and then that went on where I was the target and I was abused over quite, well, it was a very long period of time. I'm not, not saying that that makes it any worse. But that's just the fact. I've been through the police investigation process into my abuse. Once you disclose, I'm afraid it's, it's not something you can stop. It's a process that has to happen, and I think it's one— apart from being abused, it's the worst process I've been through in my life. It was, it extremely traumatic and, and not, not how I believed the world would treat me. And maybe that's why I do get really, really angry. If you met me, I don't think you'd think that about me at all, but if I can be triggered, then you'd certainly think, think it about me because it's not something that I like about myself at all. Is something that I'm really working on. I'm working on this with my therapist, and I also do bits of sort of homework from a book that I have at home. I've got it here with me now. It's called Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists. It's by Boone, Steele, and van der Hart. Now I got this in America because DID is recognized there, and that's where I actually got my sort of official diagnosis, because in, in the UK they'd say some sort of personality disorder, like otherwise specified, which is just a fluffy way of some saying we're not really quite sure and we don't really know what to do. So, um, I went to America and Um, I feel quite angry about that, that I had to go there, that I was away from home for 70 days, and also that, uh, because of the, the way it's run and also being so far away, that none of my family or friends ever came. So they don't know how I spent those 70 days of my life. And they don't appreciate how difficult it is to come out from somewhere like that with a lot of support and then try and fit back. There was the only time I've ever actually really seen it that maybe other people might have seen is in the the latest film that was made, A Star Is Born, with— oh goodness, I can't— I can only think of her as Lady Gaga, but Lady Gaga and— I'm going to forget his name now as well— but the person in there who played Jack, her husband, And he, he went— I'm so annoyed I can't remember his name because I, I absolutely think he's amazing, and that's a bit rude really, but I'm so sorry, I can't remember. Uh, anyway, so he goes into a rehab facility in America. I think, I think it's for addiction, and there's a scene where he's sitting in a quite a nice garden with a therapist from where he is, and they're talking, and they're talking about the future, and he looks well, he looks happy, and they're having a really sort of positive conversation, and he's done really, really well. Um, and then the film goes on that he, he comes out and doesn't find it easy fitting back into the life that he left, um, having changed. Because you do have to make changes when you go to these places, and you get an awful lot of information, and you're with a lot of other people. There's a community that you have to leave, and that's really hard. And for, for the character that plays Jack, he, he, it just didn't work out for him and he ended up, he took his own life. I think he had somebody being unkind. Well, I've lost people who I've met and it's very difficult for me to explain to my family why I'm upset and why I'm sad, because they're not people that they knew. And these are people who were important in my life and always will be. So yeah, that makes me quite angry. It also, um, this is, this is kind of going off in a tangent, but we'll carry on with it. I, um, I've only had experience before this of being in a private facility in the UK, which I can only explain as completely dreadful. The medical side, the hospital side, and then the therapy side, they don't act as one unit. They act as two different things, and it, it doesn't really work, I would say. And also The physical layout of the building, everything was wrong. It's very isolating, it's very old, very run down. There's absolutely nothing to do unless you want to smoke. And yeah, it's no, no good at all. No, it was no good at all for me. In fact, it harmed me, and I dissociated while I was in there, and they don't really understand understand it. And I actually got put on a section while I was in a private facility for my mental health. Unfortunately, I got this rectified, and they send in some experts from outside the hospital to talk to you, and then they realize actually you weren't dealt with properly and you dissociated, and that you don't really— you don't need to be sectioned. So, but I do have the piece of paper and I've actually framed that because I think to get sectioned in a hospital that you're paying for, that's meant to have a top name, well, yeah, I find it quite ironic and I've kept it, to go along with all the other things I've achieved in my life. So going to America was hard, but when I was there they just asked, decided that, um, I had needed further treatment in another center. So I got, um, it costs a lot of money as well. This is really something that, you know, I'm very fortunate that somehow we managed to pull together as a family and managed to pay for this. But I then got sent to another place, but they had such a long waitlist that it just was not going to happen, and I needed something to happen almost immediately. I had to fly home, there are visa reasons that I had to get out of the States and then go back. Even for medical care, they won't, uh, waive a visa for that. So there are so many places in the States for therapy. Residential. Where I was, it's big money there, and it's also— they do recognize things, um, and also the way their healthcare system works, people have insurance, so they get paid. Well, I had to be self-paying. So because I couldn't go to the dissociative, uh, disorder place that I needed to go to because of the waitlist, and there aren't that many that focus on that one particular thing. Then I got sent somewhere else, and it was a place that, um, where I was in Arizona, I'd never actually referred anyone to before. So we got the brochure and we went online and we looked, and I had to talk to them, and my therapist talked to them, and my psychiatrist talked to them, and the team. And they did have a good team, it did work well. But they actually didn't really know, other than the information that we were being told, what this place was going to be like. So I came home, I looked really fit and well because physically I was extremely active at where I was. We did quite a lot of exercise and we were outside a lot, and Eriksson is extremely hot, and And then I went back to go to this new place near Chicago. So I got there and I was meant to be there for 45 days. We had everything in writing, what was going to happen. I had the information, my family were involved, my UK medical team were involved, so we thought that we were in the right place. Well, I got there, my 45-day stay turned into the most terrifying 6 days of my life, and it's not, it's not something that I find very easy to talk about. Things happened to me and to other people that I still can't really believe happened in a care facility. Being back home and reading some reviews about this place, I shouldn't have gone. I never saw those. There were red flags all over it. It was like the— just the most horrendous Oh, just terrible treatment. I can't tell you. I got very ill in there as well, physically, and I eventually got out because I was a voluntary patient. They tried to keep me, but they let me go. They literally did throw people on the floor and sedate them. While they were like trying to get away, and it was pretty horrendous to see. And yeah, so if anybody is going thinking about treatment and things anywhere, whether it's NHS, private, or FA, if it does not feel right, you've got to get out. That was probably the one thing that I learned in Arizona was what was good for me. So when I got to this place, I knew it was extremely bad for me and I needed to get out. And I also kept notes. I also— they have things like patients' rights and stuff that have to be visible, so I made copies of those because you're not allowed a phone or anything. And it took me about 5 days to get use of a telephone to try and start this process to get out of this place. And eventually I did, but it left me very scarred physically, actually, because it was— I got some terrible skin thing from there as well because the linen was so filthy, but I can't believe that it's a place that has, um, over 600 residents, and it actually hurts my soul to think that these— the people are still there, um, in such a poor facility with such poor help, empty promises. You're not allowed— I mean, I got into trouble for opening the back door onto a small veranda because all the alarms went off. But it said in the brochure that, you know, you've got acres of lakes and stuff to— and, you know, countryside to go out into, but you're not. You're locked in. You're completely locked in. It's horrendous. So yeah, I think not only was what happened to me, the abuse made me angry, obviously, um, because I'm an adult now and I've been through the police process and I know what happened to me shouldn't have happened, and I am angry about it. And I'm also angry at the fact that my mental health is not good, um, this week being particularly bad. And I'm angry as well because what— why it's been such a bad week. I spoke last week about coping with anger, and it was about these group of— a group of men. There's only men that work there. It's a car accident repair place, and they've been blocking me in my car. My block— I drive to the gym on my own. It's It's the only place that I go by myself, and I mean that. That I go, I go out with my dog, or I go out with my family, and I do go out and I meet my friends every morning with their dogs, and that is it. And I had to be really honest with my therapist this week and, and, um, and my family a bit more that I don't go out. I can't. I don't want to. It's too overwhelming. I've been here before, and the last time this happened, I mean, it's not It's not as bad as last time because last time I was in the house for 4 years. But I, I basically meet my friends for coffee in the morning, and then when I have a meeting, uh, to go to at the gym— because I do have somebody help me there, um, I have some sort of mobility issues, so I do need someone to help me so I don't injure myself But that's the only place I go, so it's, it's, it's my safe place. And these, these people have, have started off by sort of blocking me in. I think just from being lazy, that it was near the building they wanted to get into and they thought they could just nip in and leave their vehicle blocking me in. And I need to get home and For somebody like me, if you can't get away safely, then it creates a quite dangerous, overwhelming sort of feeling that I, I can't control. And they said they wouldn't do it anymore and apologized, um, so I thought it was all over. So I sort of put it out of my mind really and thought that that would be it. But as I spoke last time, that wasn't it at all. In fact, they decided to make my life as bad as they could possibly do. I don't think they could have done anything more to make me more distressed. So if I go to the gym for 40 minutes, they watch me park, they block me in. No, no, they block me in anyway, block my space. I have to ask to move, then I get in, and then I come out and they've done it again. And then, and then now they've just, they've just, it's just gone from from bad to worse. And, um, it got so bad this week that, you know, I was in such a state by the time that I got into the gym. I was just in floods of tears and just crying so badly and in a lot of pain because these guys are just sitting there laughing at me and It really hurts, and I automatically think that it's because I was born bad, because that's what I thought about being abused. I thought that only happened— the only way I could make sense of that was that I must have been born bad, because that wouldn't happen if you weren't born bad. Anyway, these guys have just, um, I think they've obviously got a reaction from me. So they've decided that this is quite a good thing, good game really going on. But the sad part of it is that I'm, I'm gonna— if this doesn't resolve this week, I'm— I won't— I just won't be able to go anymore. It— they've cut off one of my lifelines. And for what? You know, for harming a 57-year-old woman who's had so much trauma in their life? And I, I do genuinely try to help people, and I am trying to make my life better. I'm working hard and trying to understand what I have and, and why I react and why I think and feel, um, like I do. And then I've got these people who are trying to make my life a misery. And we, you know, I'm talking about, it's a group of 5 now. That, that was the last one. And, uh, and one of them walked up to me, I was smoking a cigarette, and blew smoke in my face. And I I don't think many people would expect that from people who are working for a company. So, um, I can't deal with this anymore. It's too much. I don't understand why they want to destroy me because I don't have the energy for this. And I've had to talk about it yet again. And it's making me not go out. So I haven't been going out since this started, apart from coffee and the gym, not even to get food. I've sent my husband out and I've not been honest as to why I haven't done it. And I need— and I have to, but it's really difficult because I don't want to impact on everybody's lives. But it's impacting on mine so much because it's bringing up triggers from the past where you can't get away. So you— I can't like get away. So you, you know, you freeze, flight, fight, or panic or whatever, but I seem to do all of those. But physically, I can't actually get away. And when I have tried to get away, when they've blocked my way, I've actually damaged my car. I've scraped it, which, when you think they're an accident repair center, it's quite ridiculous. But there's no way I'm going to let them fix my car. So I've been trying to do a bit of homework about, um, anger and, you know, how can I resolve this situation? I want a good outcome, and the good outcome for me is that I can still go to the gym and, um, you know, have my safe place and do some physical exercise. It's good for me mentally and physically. People say that like gardening's therapeutic. Well, I can't even walk down the garden. Um, I find that too overwhelming. So anybody out there who's got mental health needs, who finds gardening difficult and not at all therapeutic, then you're not the only one. I, I'm the same. I go to— we have like a, you know, a patio outside the back door with a table and some chairs on it, and that's, that's as far as I go, which is, which I've got to work on. It's not what I want, but that's how it is at the moment, and that's keeping me safe. But the behavior of a group of men who do not have to do this, they have a choice and they're choosing to do it is actually making me unwell. So I'd also like to say to people that, you know, if you're doing something and actually you really know it's not a nice thing to do to somebody, then please stop it. I don't want to have any sort of relationship with these people at all. I mean, and there shouldn't be, because they have their area and I should be able to access the road to get to where I need to be. And I don't know why they're doing this to me, but it's got to stop, um, and I can't deal with it anymore. So actually, my husband is dealing with it and they are a national company. So, um, you know, we've just gone to the, uh, we're trying to sort that out, and I will, I will update you because you can't just go about and treat people like this. And I've been so, so, so upset. When I've got to the gym, like, I've even said, I've got to go home, I can't be here, I've just got to get home. And I've had to tell them a bit about my trauma, and that's why it's affecting me so badly. And I'm angry about that, not because they're not nice people, they're very nice people in there, otherwise I wouldn't be going. But what I'm angry about is it's a, an area of my life that was safe where I could go and actually enjoy some time doing something for myself. And now I've had to tell these people that I have complex PTSD and I was abused as a child. So a group of men picking on me is quite harmful. And those are words that I can't erase from what they know, and I don't want everyone to know this about me. It's not— why should they? I should— I deserve to have some life on my own. But it's really just not gone to plan. Nothing has gone to plan. So when I told— when, when all this came out, when it all came out and— oh, sorry, bashed my arm on the table. I felt really upset, really scared, because I didn't want to hurt my people who know me, my family. And— but I also I felt that what would happen would be that I'd get like help, understanding, acceptance. And I suppose the bottom line is what I really want to say is that I thought that I would just be loved. I just thought, you know, I'll just be almost sort of physically held and comforted and supported And that didn't happen. It did not happen at all. And we're going back quite a few years ago now. I, I have to cope with my parents who are deeply distraught about this, um, and my family and my friends, and I don't— I can't, uh, I, I also— it's quite sad, but I can't even— I don't live near where it occurred anymore. We've, we've had to move quite far away, and I can't ever go back to the place where I grew up. And that's quite sad, you know, when I'm looking around, like I've been saying about the photographs that I have of decades of moments in life as a family and with friends. And, you know, places are important, but I cannot go back to the place where it occurred. And so it means that some people's sort of their children's weddings I can't go to. Um, it's, it's too dangerous. I did do it once and I am dissociated. And if you dissociate and you're not aware of the present and you have different parts, then I actually, um, a part of me injured me in a way that actually I can't even fathom out how it happened, that I nearly lost my life. And so, so it's quite sad to think that I'm not going to have any photographs going up on the wall of me, um, from now on visiting places that I used to go to, um, as a kid. And it's not going to change. It's not even in the plan to try and get this to work. So yeah, I suppose I'm angry at what's happened I'm angry that I've had to tell people and I've had to hurt people. The impact on my kids was massive. It's impacted on their study, on their exams, and I'm extremely grateful for whatever, however the universe has worked for them. That they've all managed to get where they are. I think they are people who are pretty understanding and kind because they've seen and lived with me, but my goodness, it's really not been very easy. And they've also had to face times when their mum's been in hospital on life support and not knowing if, you know, I'm going to live because I've been told I'm not going to live. So that's what I was going to talk about, was like being, um, angry. And I— but I didn't think I'd have to because I thought this silly situation with the car people would be over, but it isn't. It's still— it's still ongoing, and it's really not acceptable for anyone to treat anyone like this. Um, I— you know, if, if it was my husband going They wouldn't do it to him. They just would not. And, you know, that's a fact. But they're deciding to do it to me. You know, I'm 57. I would— most of these people are young enough to be my kids, and I just don't understand how they can't have some sort of respect. One of the guys there really young guy sitting on the pavement who, um, he really did not, not look comfortable with the way the others were sort of behaving towards me. And I think if he'd been there on his own, we wouldn't have had this situation. He would have just been, you know, quite pleasant. So what they've done to me is made a woman whose life's pretty difficult anyway pretty scared, really anxious, really lonely, and very angry, very hurt, very confused, because I can't understand why I was abused. I don't understand. Now, now I understand as an adult what it is and that it shouldn't happen. Then I can't understand why anybody would even do it. Because I'm on the receiving end and the damage is massive. It's, it's, it's absolutely massive. Um, and I was so bad this week in my therapy session that when I came out, I, um, you know, I have to take responsibility to get myself there and back, and I need to— I have to travel, I have to go on 3 trains, but that's the only way I can get to see a trained specialist, so I have to do this and I need to do it. And I somehow got out, and I can't remember a lot from there till about an hour and a half later when I'd probably only covered about 10 minutes of my journey by foot and was on a bench with my eyes shut and my hands over my ears, I, I got very disorientated and I had to, uh, I had to call my therapist and then, um, she managed to talk me through it. And, um, I won't, I won't explain how, but yeah, um, there are things that she says that like get me through it. I've never had to do this before, been okay, and that's nearly a year, but I couldn't even get to the station. So she talked me like right through getting from where I was to crossing a road to walking and then getting to my plat— getting on the train actually, all the way to getting on the train. So that's amazing. I don't think that there's many people that can say that they get that sort of support, because I was feeling really quite panicked and desperate. So I think we need to— everybody just needs to, you know, people want to talk about mental health and acknowledge it, and there are so many different organizations and things that are written, but This is real life, and, you know, moment by moment, it's not a snapshot of a nice photographic memory. It's actually like living in sheer terror and horror and fear, and nobody really has the right to do that to anybody, I don't think. So You know, I was a teacher, and I can't— you know, helping young children see how to help each other and to be kind and to manage their emotions and to talk about things, I can't understand really how a group of grown-up men are getting a real kick out of bashing up somebody who's trying really hard. And I also try to be so kind and help people. That's what I kind of like to do. So I've written all these notes about what I was going to talk about, and then I've gone and just spoken, um, from the heart, really. So the other thing that I find really difficult, and I don't know if this might help somebody if I mention it, is that when I was growing up and through the years— that, and it was years, it was, it was a lot of years, my abuse— and it was with a group of people, by a group people. So this is quite rare, thankfully. And so, so I— this is all I can only talk about me. So I can't go back to where I live, but I have so many memories, and I know so many people who I would love to see again. And I did have this opportunity to see to see some people from that, from those years when I lived there, at one of a friend's daughter's wedding, and they decided that they got married in a completely different county, so it was going to be great, I could go, because if it had been in their hometown, then I just we just wouldn't have been able to go, and they knew that too. It wasn't why they moved the wedding, but it was, it was great I could go. Now, this is the first time that this has really come up because all the other things have actually been in the town where I used to live, so it's just been a no. So other members of my family have maybe gone but not me, and it's fine people understand, um, and, and it's good. And then I, I hear about it afterwards. But I went to, to this wedding, and it was a first to see all the people, cuz I've missed so many opportunities to see these people from my past. And, you know, to see some of them, you know, they've grown up and they've got married, they've got kids. It's just you know, sort of friends of friends. Um, it was, it was so— it was just lovely. It was so nice seeing everyone, and it all looked like it was going fine, and I was having a really nice time. Um, and, you know, laughing and talking and just taking it, it all in. And I love the sort of looking at the details and things of weddings and how people choose their weddings. And I did say to my husband, because we've been to a few weddings, they're so different from the one that we had and how they were in our day. And I said to him, looking at all these weddings and how different everything's been and what people have chosen, what would you choose if we did our wedding differently, like, and got married, you know, this way? And he said He thought he would marry someone else. So I'm actually taking— I'm not angry about that one. I'm taking that with a pinch of salt, and I actually don't blame him because his life certainly would have been an awful lot easier. But so we thought we were with all these people who, um, I mean, one of them, I think the last time I probably saw her, she was about 60. And like she was like sort of grown up and had her own kids and working and had a really interesting job and met her husband and her parents who I'd known really well for many years. And you know, it was just so nice talking about old times and laughing, and it was if the time that had passed hadn't mattered. And then Pretty quickly, I can't even remember the moment, but there was a moment where I felt that I'd been propelled away from everybody, like physically. I mean, obviously I hadn't, but this is what it feels like, being taken right out and absolutely just scared, really scared. Because with all these people there, it took me back to the past and it triggered me into being scared about my, my person who abused me, the main, the main person, and we had to leave. It was just so overwhelming. Um, I didn't want to tell— we couldn't really tell anybody. We didn't, you know, this was— everybody was having such a great time, it was a great occasion, but I, I had to, to leave. And this is a first, so maybe that's That's what I need to do. If I do go to things, I might not be able to manage the whole thing. And I'm— I haven't actually even really spoken to my friend about it, um, because it was their daughter's wedding, and I don't want anything that happened to me in the past to spoil their enjoyment of that. They just are gonna have to accept that we had to go. So, um, yeah, so I feel quite angry about that. Um, I think it's— I can understand it now. I didn't expect it, I didn't predict it. In fact, um, if I had, if we'd sat down and thought about this, then maybe we could have seen this coming, but we honestly didn't. Um, but I've also now sort of gone the other way, so I can be really sociable and see my friends and things, but then right now the, the thing that I'm doing is really isolating myself, um, probably to the point of loneliness and You know, loneliness is complex. It's not like choosing to be alone. It's actually, you know, we're social beings. And but I think because of what's happened to me and then this experience over the last 10 days of these people sort of not helping me at the gym, being extremely unpleasant, rude, and nasty, then it's made me fearful to sort of trust people to get help and to connect with anybody. And I think I knew that I had to take the risk and tell my therapist, you know, what my life is actually really like. And I did ask her if she had any idea. She said yes, she did, really, because we— I do get an extra hour of time after session over the week to communicate with her, so I am able to do that, to reach out and to try and sort of close that gap of loneliness or reduce the overwhelming feelings of anger. And one of the things that helps me every single day, every moment of the day really, apart from when I'm at the gym because they can't come, is my dog. And it's another thing in this country that emotional support animals, you can register one but the UK don't actually sort of recognize it like other countries. So for example, I would say she is my emotional support animal, but I wouldn't be allowed to take her on a plane. But if I lived, I think, in America, I think you're allowed to. Um, there's a lot of things that we could do better. Um, I did try and join some sort of Government lived experience mental health something they were going to set up that someone sent me the link to. It took me 3 days to write my application, and, um, and, and then they didn't even email me, uh, they acknowledged they got it, but they didn't tell me that they'd had so many applicants that I had to phone in and find that out. So that wasn't great for my mental health either. So I have learned though that trying to become part of these things, because I have tried a few and I've left a few, is that is not— the impact hasn't— it's the outlet hasn't given me the place where I thought I could have the best impact. So that's why I, I'm doing the, the radio. And I've only got another couple of minutes left. Um, I am trying to write a book. That's really hard. If you've— like, everyone apparently has got a book in them, but It is pretty hard, and, to write about my life because it all seems really chaotic at the moment and I don't quite know how to separate it out. So I've gone back to the drawing board on it. It's not a waste of time, it's been a lesson learned, and I'm actually going to base my book on my radio series so I can write about my life starting with my first radio broadcast and then looking at each one. So, um, I'm I'm not sure if anyone has ever done that before, but, um, that's the way I'm gonna go with it. So thank you for listening. I'm sorry, it probably sounds like really moany and depressing, but things can only get better from here. Um, let's all try and just be kind and, and nice and not overreact. Nobody likes to be angry, and nobody wants to feel hurt or hurt anybody. And we do have the capacity to help people, and kindness goes a long way. It's kindness to the people that we know and kindness to the people that, that we don't even know, that we come across. And, um, obviously there's always— no relationship is ever going to be perfect, um, and for me at the moment things aren't like that, but I'm hoping that I can work on those, um, skills because we can all work on ourselves in some way. So thank you so much for listening, and, um, this is Eva May speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station.