Healing Image Hi – Huge Day For Survivors, Child Sexual Abuse

Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station for another in my series called Healing Image High. Now, about 6 years ago, I, um, was aware of an inquiry that was being launched by the government. I think actually it was probably more like 7 years ago, and it was to be an independent inquiry into child sexual abuse in the UK, England and Wales. And it was, I think I found out about it really through the news, through press releases. And things like this, as of being a survivor of historic child sexual abuse, then obviously things like this are something that I want to know about. And back then, um, I thought it would be quite a good thing, and I did think that I would probably take part in it, but it didn't. It had a chairman, um, but it took 3. It had a very sort of messy start. So the, the first chairman, I think they even brought someone over from New Zealand to chair it, and there was a lot of, um, so controversy around that because of bringing someone from another country and the cost, which was huge. Um, and there were sort of 3 chair people that went before we got the 4th one, which was Dame Alexis Jay, and she's the person that actually carried out the, the Independent inquiry, which they came up with the findings, um, that only just in October, which has taken 7 years. So my initial response was, yeah, I wouldn't— I want to be involved in this. Not, not necessarily like really looking forward to it in a way, but that I thought it was something that I needed to do. I don't actually know any other people who who are survivors like me in the UK. I, I just don't. But I just thought, well, if there's lots of people like me, then I should do this. I've got like lived experience, you know, reasonably intelligent, and hopefully, you know, I can do something that's going to help people because I don't really want anyone to go through what I've been through, and I'm not just talking about the actual abuse, but I'm talking about, for me, the way that the police investigation into what happened to me, that was horrific, actually. Wasn't something I was prepared for. I didn't really understand what was going to happen. Nobody did. My family certainly didn't. And I don't think that was explained very well to me because once you start on that process, once you've disclosed or said what's happened to you or start to talk about it, then it's out of your hands, really, what the process is. And I found it— it just blew my world apart. And I'm still— like, things changed so much for me from that day, and not in the way that it's actually always been good at all. And also, I've had a pretty up and down record of receiving help from the medical profession. I've discussed in my series, this is really one of the reasons why I'm doing these broadcasts, is to try and raise awareness of the fact that, so complex post-traumatic stress disorder, so sort of like repeated trauma, which, you know, abuse was, um, has, has led me to have something called dissociative identity disorder. Uh, dissociative disorders are known about, they're known about all over the world. There's like 40 years of research on them. There are countries that have trained specialists to diagnose it and to treat it, but in the UK we don't. It's not something that we have guidelines set out for, so I got my diagnosis diagnosis and the start of my treatment from a private residential facility in the United States. And from, from there, that's where I started to get the help that I needed, not just in talking therapies, but I also got a whole lot of other things like equine therapy. So working with horses was something that I'd never ever done before. I had ridden horses and been around horses, but not in a therapeutic way and to do work with. And I, I really wanted to take all of these experiences with me to go into the inquiry, and hopefully that, you know, my voice along with— it's over 7,000 other survivors— would be listened to and taken into account. So I, um, I decided I signed up. Then there was this changing of chairman, uh, so we lost 3, and then because that happened in really quite quick succession, I pulled out. I didn't really want to put myself into something that wasn't set up to work from the set— from the get-go. And I didn't want to be traumatized. I knew I needed to protect myself. Then everything seemed to settle down, and they got Dame Alexis Jay as the chair, and I had another think about it, and I called up. They're very, very pleasant, the people that you speak to, and I decided that I would go in for a face-to-face for me to say what happened and my experiences and to try and what I wanted to achieve, which is better outcomes for everybody, namely survivors, and also better protection for children. So I went. I didn't really tell anybody about it. It's a bit difficult to sort of suddenly sit with your friends or your family and then say, oh yeah, I'm taking part in the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual abuse, you know, do you want to talk about it? It's something that I kept to myself. And I got a— the first thing that I got, I don't live that far from London really by train, but I was sent my interview, let's call it an interview. They asked me to go to Liverpool on the train. They would pay for a traveling companion. I'd get like £5 allowance for lunch. I thought, this is ridiculous. This is an inquiry that's gone through 3 chairmen, now got the 4th that thinks it looks like they're going to stay and it's going to run. And I live sort of near London where the, I think the inquiry is based because it was something that was put together and instructed by the government. And they're sending me to Liverpool for, uh, for sort of 4 hours of, of interviews. So I pulled out again and said, no, I, I can't go to Liverpool. Why can't I go to London? Then I thought about it again, and then I said, right, okay, if I go to London, I'll go. So that they were like fine about that. But it is off-putting if you're You know, it should be as easy as possible, so the nearest location should be the one that you're given, I would have thought. I asked if there was a reason, if there weren't enough places in London. They said no, it was just the way the computer had generated it. So, okay, computers are great, but if you're sending somebody to travel, like, to the other end of the country, then, you know, maybe the computer's not always giving you the right information, and The way I received it was that I was going to be sort of pretty inconvenienced. I was going to have to find someone to go with me. I certainly didn't want to go all that way and talk about things that are really distressing and potentially re-traumatizing and then have to travel all the way back when I could sort of get a train and go to London and probably do it by myself. So I tried that. And, and I went. They gave me an awful lot of really good information, actually. I was quite impressed with that. It was very clear what the process would be and what my, my appointment would sort of comprise of, that I would have two people who, who specialize in child protection I think it was therapist, and also somebody taking notes. So I was quite happy with that. And I was sent a photograph of the building so that I could tell, you know, which door to go to, which bell to ring. And I was not to show that to anyone. Well, if you ask— usually if you ask someone who's been abused to not do something, they actually comply because the legacy of abuse is that you've learnt to comply, so you would, you would do it. Uh, in the same way that, um, I always got picked for things when I was at school, something I've discussed with my therapist, um, the one that I have at the moment, which, um, is the person who is trained to help some people with dissociative disorders. So I'm extremely fortunate. And that was another reason for going, was to try and just say, look, you know, the help that I've had hasn't been specialist enough. And I know that I need to see somebody specialist. And unfortunately, it took— it's taken me so many years to get to this place. So I want to try and make it better for the next generation. And, um, so I used to get picked for like parts in plays and, um, I don't know, just different sort of put forward for things in lots of areas when, you know, because I, I was still being abused at that time, so I was pretty compliant. I would listen and do, so I was a pretty ideal choice even though I might be fairly like young in school years, I would get picked for things that were probably for other kids that were older than me would've been put forward for. So, but yeah, the discussion around that is that yes, you would've complied and that's true. It's absolutely true. And yeah, I did enjoy doing some of those parts, although I couldn't really understand at the time when I was sort of like 8 or 9 why my classmates weren't also chosen to do things. Um, but yeah, so that was one of the reasons. So if you show, um, someone like me— so I would think that most of these survivors who took part in this inquiry, that photograph of the door would never have been shown to anyone. Because if somebody who's, who's been involved in abuse would know where, uh, victims were going, then that there would be a danger then. So it was all part of safeguarding. And when I went, um, you know, it was very pleasant. They were very, very nice. They obviously have set questions that they want to go and points they want to cover. And it was, it was absolutely exhausting. And I got a short break and then back for the other session. And getting home really felt like a blur. Maybe I should have taken someone with me, but I didn't really want to talk about it, and I didn't really want to talk about, you know, other things, like have a lighter conversation as a distraction. So I did it by myself, and I can take my phone that's got my music on I sometimes listen to audiobooks. I like doing like number puzzles, so I have a little book of those. So I thought I could occupy myself and get back, and then I made sure that I had that evening completely clear because I needed to just take care of myself, and I didn't quite know what that would mean. But so that's what I did. So it's now been 7 years, and that report has come out, and it's, it's a, it's 450 pages long. I've only had a chance to read some of it. It's, um, it's very detailed. It covers all areas. It covers a whole range of institutions where children are. And, you know, for a lot of campaigners, this is a long-awaited-for report. I mean, I'm not involved in any organizations that campaign or anything like that, but I just hope that my evidence has helped this report. And in some way, it's almost a little bit of a comfort to me that I am one of, um, 7,300 victims and survivors who contributed to this, who are all probably more like me, who've never spoken to anybody else. But if we're all talking about the same thing, to the right people, then hopefully they really are listening. And the people I spoke to, I certainly got the impression that they were very— they were listening. You know, the expression on their faces, the way they spoke to me, um, the whole way the session and the room was sort of designed, uh, really showed that that's what they were doing. And You were offered support, so with one of the people that was in the room with you, so they knew, they knew what you said, then, you know, so knew that about you, and they could put a name to your, to your face. And I did get about 3 sessions on the telephone afterwards, and It— that's, that's what you just have to remember. It's just going to be that. It's not going to be any more than that. It, it really is just going to be that. So I, I thought quite carefully about it, and I did do it. You don't have to have the support, or you didn't have to have the support if you didn't want it. But I thought, no, if they're offering this, then I need to, to use it. For myself and also to feedback to them anything else that might have come up as a result of taking part. So this inquiry for 7 years, you know, things like this don't come cheap. And, you know, it's a huge amount of money. It's an amount of money that I can't even imagine. It's £186 million. And I just hope that this £186 million is money that's well spent, because the recommendations are going to— for them to be implemented and implemented effectively and, you know, to a standard of excellence, it's going to take many more millions to get to every organisation or institution where young people are. So they just— they investigated 15 areas of institutional life. So, um, you know, that can include sort of local authorities, so schools, and also it includes churches. There were 2.5 million pages of evidence that needed to be processed. So I think probably, you know, that, that again is a huge number, and I'm not sure of the process of how they read them and picked out the information. I don't really know. There were 325 days of public hearings, and during those days there were 725 witnesses who gave evidence in person. The final report recommendations— it recommends 107 recommendations, um, including 20 in a final inquiry report. So there's a huge amount. It's way too much for me to understand and get involved in, but I have tried to read some myself and to sort work out what's going on. And one of the main things that a lot of campaigners are really, um, glad that has been, um, brought up is that those who are in positions of trust should have— should be legally bound to report child sexual abuse allegations to police. So The word there is should. It's not there yet. There are other countries in the world that have this already set up where you have to— it is a crime if you ignore abuse. And when the— when that is brought about, so people who, who've not protected children by ignoring abuse and not reporting it or reporting allegations, then they usually get fined. There should be— there is the suggested that there is a jail sentence, but the reality is that there's not enough space in jails for people, so it tends to be in other countries— it had to be, um, a fine. So the report, the inquiry, just covers England and Wales. I'm not quite sure what's going on with Scotland. I'm— I really don't know. Um, but, you know, as with other countries who've already done all this sort of investigating and got things set up, we've, we've gone England and Wales has now got this inquiry. We're not using anybody else's, we're using this one, even though it's evidence-based and practices have changed in other countries. We've now had to do this to get those things hopefully implemented, but it's not going to happen just because a report has been published. So, you know, it does conclude that, you know, in England and Wales, every day children are abused. And they estimate that there's at least half a million children a year. There's also this rapid escalation of number of children who are now being groomed on social media. Um, I think that's really concerning, and I, I hope that it's going to be like really, really addressed. I'm not quite sure how. These things aren't ever easy, but it needs to be. One thing that I, I think is a really good thing that I found, actually found it through social media, was about a, a scheme that was being, has been run in Scotland for quite a while now. I'm not sure how many years, but a few, where young people, so children of school age who are about 13 or 14 years of age who are at school, and there's something that has sort of flagged up that they need— they have some sort of areas of difficulties in their life, and that they are offered a mentor. So they're a ment— so they have a mentor who is a DBS checked, so they've got the enhanced police investigation— clearance, enhanced police clearance to show that they don't have any criminal convictions, so they're a safe person, and that they go into the young person's school once a week if possible for one lesson to have a face-to-face time together. To be used in any way. So it could be discussion about school or home or anything at all, whether it's friends issues, or it could come up that they've got, you know, there's online issues. And you— this— the person, the young person will have this support from a mentor who's a volunteer. For at least a year, hopefully 3. And I thought this was actually like a really, really good thing. There's a, uh, there was a video with a young teenager who had a ment— had mental support, and she talked about how over the course of the first year, how much this support had really impacted on her life, and she completely changed what she thought she might do at school. And the support— with having the support that she could get some really good advice, she also got some support with an area of learning. They did a little bit together, and she was able to explore things that she might like to— that would help her go and do things that she would like to do in the future and to think that through. And she said it was almost like having another sort of area of a connection that was almost as strong as a family bond, um, and, you know, just invaluable. So I got in touch with them and I went through the application process there's a— you have to do a questionnaire and you have to fill in about yourself. And I've been, I've, I've been very honest about, you know, that I'm a survivor of child abuse. I'm not going to tell the person that I see about it, but I'm certainly going to let an organization know because I'm bringing that experience and experience of dealing with a difficult situation and also not really having anyone to go to I've got that in me, so I hope that I can maybe use that to good. So I'm going to do this, and I think it's, uh, I think it's a really good thing. I'd like to see more of it. It's only moved to my county. My county is the first county in England that's doing this, and I, I would like— they have young people who are waiting for this support who've been identified that it would be something that might be of use to them. I mean, if I've seen someone and they then say, look, I'm sorry, but I don't think we get on, or I don't think this is very useful anymore, then that's fine. You've got to have honesty. And I hope that that's something that, you know, I can, um, bring to this person, that I'm going to be— I'm going to be honest, and whatever they say, they can trust me completely. And I to just always do my best to, to support them in, in anything. I've got absolutely no idea what they might want supporting, but if I can do it, I'd like to. And I really hope that this might sort of bring about support too if there were any online issues. Um, this sort of scheme hasn't been mentioned in the report to my knowledge, but I do think it's a really important thing and it could be extremely successful. Everybody I've spoken to about it, and I've just told my friends and my family, they, they think it's a really, really good thing to do. And I'm, you know, I'm in a position where I, I can just get myself to the nearest local school and spend 50 minutes a week trying to support somebody. And, you know, because I've had to help in my life, and it's not been easy, but it's made a— it's made the world of difference. It's probably made the difference between me being alive and not being alive. So I will— I want to do that. So I'm really hoping— when I read about the, um, the rapid escalation of the number of children who are being groomed online, then Um, then I thought, well, that, that's something that hopefully I'm not going to bring it up, but I will, you know, if I want this person, hopefully we can get a good rapport that they know they could actually talk to me about anything because I'm really not fazed about anything after what I've been through. Not a lot really, uh, sort of shocks me now. Um, well, it does, but I just suppose I've dealt with things and I've tried to get through them because I've to. So the other thing the report comes up is that, you know, there's underreporting. So it's difficult. People don't necessarily know how to report, what to report, you know, what to do. It's a very— it is an extremely difficult, difficult— and it has been taboo in so many places. There's reputations of people and places, and, you know, people don't know what to, you know, what to believe. It's, it's really trying to believe The Unsayable. Um, and so, so this inquiry is— I hope that with our sort of political chaos at the moment, this report has come out right in— it came out on the day that our Prime Minister Liz Truss resigned, which really isn't the impact that we needed. We needed this report to come out into a government that was strong and stable. To get these things implemented and also to make sure that we get some funding. Because the inquiry does— it does say that there should be a code of practice, that victims and survivors can have a right to be referred to the services and to— for those services to be tailored for their needs. Well, I'm now 57, and it's taken me 33 years of being, being a service user in the mental health system, privately and on the National Health Service, so the NHS. It's taken 33 years for me to actually get the treatment from the Centre for Dissociative Studies in London, which only sees 50 people at a time in the UK. But there they have therapists, consultant psychotherapists, that are trained to European standards for, um, trauma And all these standards are also, um, their guidelines are set out in America as well. So you had specialists there that are trained. We don't in the UK. It's not mental health professionals' fault, but they know what it is, but they don't actually— they're not trained in it. It's not— it's not just not done. I don't know why. I've spoken to NICE the, um, I think it's National Institute for Center of Excellence in the UK, and they say, yeah, they, they get people phoning up about this and they understand and they know that it's not identified, but it's just not one of the ones that is there here in the UK at the moment. So I hope this report might, with the saying that we have the right to be referred to the services that are tailored to meet our needs. But it doesn't say within 33 years, because that's ridiculous. My length of time I've had to wait has been crazy, and I wouldn't have got there if I hadn't gone to America, because there was nowhere that could treat me in the UK. Nobody wanted to. I was literally like, they wanted me to be, to be gone because nobody knew what to do. But then they didn't have the training of what to do. And from people who, who took the 7— over 7,000 people that took part into the inquiry, there's only 16% that feel that they've actually got the help that they needed. So, you know, the 84% of people, survivors of historic abuse, are not getting the help they need. So there's a waste of money going on if you're seeing people or taking meds and they're not being effective. And I really hope that, you know, this, this can change. The, the NHS, which is the most important form of support and talking therapies, but then you also have voluntary, so charities organizations are also offering different things. So I— it depends where you go, which way. I've never gone down the charity route ever. I've always been down through, um, through medical, um, through the NHS or private medical care. And I had to go privately because I didn't have any option. There was just nothing there for me in the NHS. And the report does flag up that there's such a shortage and that the wait time can often be months, and if not years. So that is clearly, um, not good enough. But, um, you know, the massive thing for everybody is that people who— and it's going to be a big shock for people who are in positions. So if you're in a position of trust, then and you're working with children, and you need to be, is saying that you should be legally responsible to report child sex abuse allegations. So whether it's allegations, confessions, or witnessing signs. So that would involve teachers, police officers, church leaders, um, and, you know, they will be Hopefully what will come into play is that if they don't, then they will be, um, accountable and break the law if they do not pass on concerns. And so Dame Alexis Jay, the chair, she has one quote that I read that she's put is, the country cannot be let down again. And the current Home Secretary He said that these findings and the testimonies, they must be acted on to create a culture of reporting. And every— but every organization is going to, you know, it's going to be a massive change. People's roles are going to change significantly if, um, to be able to support them and to know how to report, um, and what way to report. And, um, they also, you know, with this, um, the threat of online grooming and abuse that now is identified as being a global crisis. And the inquiry calls for the government to make internet companies introduce strict age verification measures. Now, I think they have age verification requirements at the moment, but I think the keyword there is strict. And there might be, um, a new safety bill, um, because abuse, it happens in every every area of society, going back decades and decades. And now people who have come forward from, you know, this is a result of years of abuse all over the country. Any, any situation, anything from I don't know, gymnastics clubs, sports clubs, schools, medical profession. And the people who abused me were part of a very reputable profession. And to put the sort of allegations to them, um, being at the positions that they held would have been, and still is to some extent, um, unbelievable that people who had these positions in society in the form of their job could do this to, to someone. Or, um, and, and I, I wasn't the only person, so, uh, to do this to, to children. So it's like I wasn't special, I wasn't bad, I was just in the wrong situation at the wrong time, crossed paths with the wrong people or wrong person, and led to people. And then I had to also understand as a result of the, the police investigation that there'd been others before me. And that was— in one way it's like, right, so it wasn't my fault because this happened to the child person of me. And went on for years. I'm not trying to say that that makes it worse because I don't think it really does. I don't know. I only know what happened to me. But even if it happens, like, just once to somebody or somebody's made to feel uncomfortable, then damage is done. And, you know, the— Somebody can, you know, damage can be done, and it's very— it's com— it completely changes you. I honestly believe that I would be a completely different person had this not happened to me, not in just how I am now, um, but also how how I am in my relationships with people, because what has happened to me has impacted on my brain development. That's science and that's a fact. So if you're groomed from a very early age, like, um, I was, and many, many children are, then mine is actually, uh, apparently impacted on, uh, every stage of my brain development because mine went on for a very, very long time. But I still think I probably would be in a mess, the messes that I have been in, if it hadn't even gone on for as long as it did. I think once it's just the start of it is the day that it all goes wrong and the impact of that is lifelong. It's got to be lifelong. And so we need to get reporting, but we also need to get get to the right people for the right support. There can't be waitlists. They've got to be specially trained therapists. My, my treatment at the moment is what I think people— there are so many more people that must need this. People who have contributed to this inquiry, they deserve the same opportunities to support that I've now got. I am now, um, working with a consultant psychotherapist who's trained in complex trauma for dissociative disorders, and I see that person face to face for 2 hours every week. I then get another hour over the week that we don't meet to use in time, either through messaging, you know, WhatsApp or emails, or we can fit in a phone call or a Zoom call, or they can help me with some paperwork or some reading or some learning or something like that. But I have that support and it has really made such a huge difference to us as a family because I've never had that before. That's not available. Usually if you get to see a therapist, the timing is 50 minutes is a therapeutic session or a therapeutic hour. And, and then you You just have to manage. It can take a while when you start talking in a session. You maybe need to do a little bit of checking in, like how you are, like, from the day and how you were from the last end of the last session to that day. And then by the time you get to bring or discuss anything, it could be nearer the end of the session, and then you are just left to shut down and to try and cope. For the whole of the week. Now, and that weekly I'm talking about, that would have been private. And private care, you know, it's expensive. Um, we shouldn't have had to have paid to get this sort of help. And I've paid to see people who've been dreadful, who've been absolutely appalling, and they should not be doing their jobs. I had to take— I took one to, um, their governing body. I reported and they got sanctions against them, and I got some, I got some of the money that I'd spent refunded back to me. And this, but the sanctions against them weren't enough to get them struck off, but they were enough to get them to have these sanctions, and then they then needed to go on like a supervision program. So I hope that that person because they know exactly what they did, will not do that to anybody else and not cause the harm. Because to have that is completely so confusing. Your trust is already massively damaged from abuse. I also really— I never wanted anyone to sort of really know and feel the fear that I felt. For my family and my parents and my partner and my kids. I didn't want all of that, but that has to come with it, and it's very, very difficult. So then finding the person that you're going to as your main support is not serving you best is really, really hard. But I would advise anyone to— who has any concerns about someone they're seeing to put those concerns to them And if they don't get anywhere, then you can go to their Governing Body. You can just go for advice. You can say, is this right? Because it's a really difficult thing. Not many people talk about what you go and see, or whether this person's good or that person's good. It's not, say, you know, like, you know, if I needed a, um, I don't know, an operation on my knee, then I would be able to ask people because I know people who've had their, like, knees looked at, who they saw, who was good, what it was, you know. But people get recommendations, that sort of thing happens. But it doesn't in mental health. It's really, really different. And my experience of mental health, even for the NHS, when they know that talking therapies help people with abuse, I got dumped by the person who was supporting me in the community, so in my home, without the rest of my mental health team knowing. She dumped— they dumped me by text. Now that is nowhere, you know, ever in anybody's idea going to be— I don't know what on earth made that person do that, and I'm— it doesn't matter, they did it, and I've had to live with the consequences. But, you know, my trust has been dented so, so many times. And reading this, it does say that it is like a postcode lottery as to where you are in the country as to whether or not you're going to get you know, access to support, or whether there's a massive wait time. There, there is a huge— the mental health, it just needs so much more looking at and spending and resourcing and training and maybe more openness so we can really help people live with their— live with difficulties. And humans are pretty resilient, but we're also something that needs to be looked after and cared for. And trauma does have an absolutely massive impact. When I've had it spelled out to me what I'm now left with as a result of my abuse, it's horrendous. It's, it's like a story of just trying to survive, and some of the coping strategies that I have used without really knowing that I'm using them have not been helpful or have made me unwell. But then I don't have— I didn't have the capacity within me to know what to do, so that's why I need the help. And I do take some responsibility as well for identifying other areas that I want support with. So Healing Image Hai, for example, is about me following the police investigation into my abuse. It's got nothing to do with talking to therapists. It was talking to image professionals because I really lost my sense of self once I went through the police investigation. It's, uh, it's very It's completely shattering. It completely blew my life apart. And so I, um, I identified that what I really wanted some help with, because I didn't leave the house for nearly 4 years, um, I was quite happy just living in the house. Sometimes I tried to go out, but It didn't work. It took me until I got a dog to be able to go out. On my own, I wasn't able to do it. And I just identified that I wanted some help with what I looked like. I wanted some help with makeup and my hair, and I wanted some help to— with my clothes. I've just lost the so much confidence, and that wasn't something that I was going to get help from, from the medical profession. So, and then another thing that I really benefited from, and it's always sort of with me, is the equine therapy that I did in America. And I've actually done, and I've spoken about it on a broadcast, when I went to the Track Clinic in Somerset, and I did some equine therapy there. There's a herd of 4, um, what one of the 4 is an alpaca, and I had the most— I've had the most incredible experience with that. And also the help with that I got from the image professionals. So I had Karen Franklin, who used to be a presenter on a program called The Clothes Show,, and she used to do the clothes show live, which ran for many years in sort of the '80s and '90s. I wasn't into all of that, so I missed out. But Karen and the team that she set me to work with, or put me in touch with, just learning from them and getting ways, tips from them of how I can— what I can put as a routine into my life and knowledge that I can learn from them, because I learned an awful lot from them. And that really helps me now every day. And I can— I feel that— I feel— I like the word empowered, but I think it is. I feel empowered that I've got some of what I want for myself back from them. So it's not just from the mental health, it's from other areas. Because I'm hoping I could finish, you know, my treatment's predicted to last 6 years. I've done 1 year now. It's almost like the year anniversary to date. So I have 5 more years left, but I want to have other things that I can always use in my everyday life. And I do think I have responsibility to identify and try and get some of that for myself. So, but I was— I just would love to see that, um, things like equine therapy become more widely available. There's a lot of research being done about it, and the track clinic that I went to, they're working with professors at the University of Bath. So people are working really hard to try and provide things and to make— raise awareness of things that really do help. The equine therapy is— when you sit and think about it, everybody that I've seen, they know my history. Might not be able to train enough to really diagnose it and treat it. And— but when you go and spend some time in a field with a therapy herd, They've not actually had a meeting about you or read your notes, and they can't ask you any questions because they're not able to voice them. They're animals, they're horses and an alpaca. But spending time with them, um, on your own— as there are two therapists watching, they're in a sort of an observational and a facilitator role. But they're not right next to you. They leave you pretty much on your, your own, and they just observe, and then you feed back and discuss it later. Well, what I got from these animals is the most incredible help and support, and I still feel that in me. And the way that I felt held, they're physical, they physically rolled onto me or kneeled down next to me and then laid into me and held me and I held them for periods of about 20 or 30 minutes. And it was the most incredible connection without words, but it gave the most incredible shift. So I hope that that's one thing that people will start looking at is alternative therapies. I've had art therapy, but I can't say it's ever been any— I've not really ever found that hugely helpful. I find more helpful is the art that I do in my journals on my own. So I have my own sort of style and I like to make my journal look nice, so I do do that. And maybe I should have put more into art, but I think for the stage I was, I really needed to, to talk or else have this connection, or to not to talk, as in the case of the equine. So I get this, I get a newspaper every day. It's something that I just, I just like. I pretty much like it because of the puzzles. I do those, but I always skip through and read the news., and then I'll pass it off to my parents because my mum likes it. So that's how it— how we, uh, we do it. And I've just flicked through today and there were two, two articles in there that I just thought, oh, this is, this is really sad, this is a shame. So there are hundreds of convicted criminals who are working at police forces across the United Kingdom. So they have been convicted for sex offenses, um, assaults, uh, possession of child pornography. Those were the three main things that have been said in this article. So we're trying to say with this inquiry, the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse, that we want to make it, um, that those in positions of trust should be legally responsible to report child sexual abuse allegations. And then you've got people who are now working in police forces across the country that are convicted criminals, um, of sex offences, assaults, and in possession of child pornography. I don't quite know how this has happened, but it's going to make that an awful lot harder to make them legally responsible. Um, I don't see how that can be, but let's hope that, um, this— now this has been flagged up, this stops down. It seems every time we get a solution to a problem or a report, there's a whole load of other things that surface. And then the second article was about, um, sex abuse claims in a— an army college, so a residential college that recruits, um, army cadets at— from the age of 16. And there are lots of sort of different opinions on this, and I actually haven't really thought about this, but if you want to go into the army when you're 16 You can go to a residential college for training and you will be handling live ammunition and guns, and— but you're not going to be able to watch an adult movie, but you're going to be handling weapons and live ammunition and They're saying that, um, the United Kingdom are being criticized by the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child because they're classing 16-year-olds— they're still classed as, as children. And there is, uh, these allegations that are going on at a college at the moment in Yorkshire where these abuse claims have come up. And there's a, you know, there's a real fear around it that's taken a while for this to happen because they know that if this does come up and the allegations are found to be true, then the college could be closed. And it's an institution that's been going on for many, many years. So there's so many different obstacles that have to be met to make, you know, things safe. And, you know, the rep— and it will— things do tarnish the reputation of institutions if there are sort of allegations like this made. Um, because we are being more open and things are being spoken about, then this is going to happen even more. But so I think there's a long, long way to go. I don't know if there's ever anything going to come back to people like me, part of the over 7,000 survivors and victims of child abuse who took part in the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse. Uh, which was just published, uh, last week, so October 2022. I don't know if we'll ever get any sort of follow-up. I can't actually even remember how it was left. Um, I actually can't remember that at all. So whether we are able to comment on it or put, you know, forward any ideas, or if there'll be, um, I think they're hoping that there might be a government level, the appointment of a Children's Minister and, and a Child Protection Authority for England and Wales, which hopefully all this information will feed into. So I hope this, um, I hope this gives you something to think about and I just hope people realize the impact of child abuse. I get told so many times by people, by friends, well-meaning friends and well-meaning family, to put it behind me, to move on and to live my life. Well, I'm trying to do that, and I have been trying to do that for decades, for, for a long, long time. It took me 19 years to disclose, so I was seeing So I was in receiving sort of psychiatric care, care for my mental health, medication for decades without anybody even knowing what happened to me because I was prevent— presenting with symptoms. And I don't know why it took so long. I think possibly trust, confusion, shame, fear, a whole load of things. They're not excuses, because I would love to have moved on and got myself into a much better place, um, years ago. I would love to be able to forget it and move on, but I can't. There are triggers and things in my life which impact a lot. Thank you, thank you for listening, and goodbye.