Healing Image Hi – Reviewing Medication And Sharing Memories Of The Happy Times During Childhood

Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station for another in my series called Healing Image. Hi. Now, this week I wanted to talk about something that I've been wanting for nearly 8 years, and so it's a pretty big thing that now has happened for me, and I hope it's going to be, uh, have some positive results going forward. Now, I was, um, I have, um, this dissociative disorder, so that's like complex PTSD, but, you know, just slightly above that. If it was on a ladder, I'd be the next rung up, um, because I sustained, uh, quite prolonged trauma as a child. And living in the UK, dissociative disorders are conditions that they're recognized, I mean, they are known throughout the world, but we don't, we don't have guidelines for them in the UK. So that means there isn't the training for medical professionals for to diagnose or to treat. So it's taken me 33 years to actually get to a centre in the UK that has a consultant psychotherapist who are trained to deal with this particular type of work. So they've done their training in Europe or the United States, but it can't be done in the UK. So when I got my sort of diagnosis, everyone in the UK had worked out what it was, but there wasn't any treatment here. So I was sent to a facility, a residential facility in Arizona in the United States for 70 days. Now that is sort of nearly 8 years ago. So the medication that I was given then, I'm still on. Pretty much most of it. And I have been asking and asking and asking for medication review. I was given a consultant psychiatrist through the NHS who added some drugs to my medication. I was hoping we could look at reducing, but he added something extra in. And I've been taking those every single day for 7 years. So I've now finally— we've— I got a med review this week from a consultant psychiatrist who can help with the medication for, for what I have and to help me best. So we had to do the call on Zoom because I live not far from London and the person that I need to do to talk to lives in Scotland, so thank goodness for Zoom. What I didn't know was going to happen was that my therapist, she was actually in on the call as well, which, which was great because I've given my consent for a handover. She knows how best to say that in medical terminology that I would be able to, plus, you know, I don't know it, understand everything yet in the way that my therapist does. And so we had this meds review. I think I've probably had meds review before for, I have an underactive thyroid, so I get my thyroxine is reviewed quite regularly. So that's very good. But these— those reviews only take a few minutes. Well, this review on Monday with Zoom and with my therapist and with this psychiatrist, we were— we were on— the session went on for over 2 hours. I had no idea. I sort of penciled in about 20 minutes. So it was extremely thorough. She would ask questions of me and some of them she would say, "I think this might be a difficult one for you to answer, but could you try if you can?" And even just saying that before asking a question, I found really, really helpful to know that it might be a difficult one. And it somehow made it not so hard. I think it was really good too that, uh, and I've had feedback on this, that this new psychiatrist who I now will be under the care of could see via the Zoom, um, link going on with my therapist how the sort of rapport, if you like, or how we are able, you know, how we, how we work, how I talk to her, how she talks to me. I've always, always tried to tell people things how they are, and 99.9% of the time I'll get people looking back at me, looking utterly clueless and not being able to understand or help, but I've never actually given up. So that was really, really good. I mean, one of the things that came up was that one of the medication I take, it can— it means you really should have an ECG. So something that just tests your heart, check that that's okay. So I'm going to have that done. And the other thing was a medication that was added in when I was asking for things to cut down is actually given to people who have epilepsy, and I don't have that. And there's a far better drug that I could have that relates to what I have. So, you know, this was probably the most worthwhile 2 hours that I've had for a very, very long time. And, and I feel, um, we're going to review in 4 to 6 weeks, so, you know, that's great too. I am in a very lucky position. I'm 57. I'm— I was groomed and abused from very, very early on, and I've— and I have been through so many facilities, psychiatrists, therapists, doctors, whatever, whatever, and I've had 33 years of it. So finally, I know I've got work to do. We're getting somewhere. And this psychiatrist has already sent me a copy of the letter that's going to my— that's gone to my GP, and she also wrote to me outlining our discussion. So it's all been extremely helpful. Now, she did say that, you know, we're not going to change things overnight, and I know that. I completely understand that, and I think anyone who does suffer with mental health issues or is supporting somebody or has a family member knows that it's just not possible. We'd love it to be, but it isn't. So the thing we're focusing on at the moment is sleep. And maybe some of the things that I've now— I'm trying to put in place to improve my sleep quality might actually help other people who have sort of similar problems, because not getting enough or good quality street— sleep. Quality street, those are chocolates. That'd be nice, but I'm talking about sleep. I don't get any quality street either, to be honest. But anyway, we're on sleep. Um, So it's the first thing that we're going to target, and you know, it's got to go at my pace. I've got to try and see if I can work. I've had to also sort of explain some things to my husband as well as to what's now going to be put in place at home. So I need to start establishing, um, and teaching my brain that we have some sort of sleep routine, even though mine does involve medication. So I can take my meds that I've been on for all this time, and when I take them, they don't really send me to sleep for about 3 hours. So I have 3 hours of like, what am I going to fill my time with because I can't sleep right now? So it sounds pretty, um, obvious now. So one of the meds I take in the afternoon, and then that should start to kick in, and then I take the other one, which then should follow on. That's this, this one particular drug that I probably will need for, for a longer time. We're not bothering about changing this one. I also need to train myself to actually at a certain time get into some pyjamas. So, you know, make sure that I make an actual thing of getting ready for going to bed. And I do have a soft bear, and I also have a soft rag doll, and they help at the moment for comfort. The aim is that maybe one day I won't need those, But at the moment I do. So if anyone needs that to help them, then use it. It's not really a problem. The other thing that I do, because I have really bad sleep, is— and I can tell really when I wake up whether I've had a good night or not, and it's usually not, just by the way I feel, because I just feel tired and I can't believe it, you know, it's time to really try and get out of bed. Bed. But the other thing that I do is I have evidence on my side of the bed where I've been up and down the stairs goodness knows how many times during the night getting sort of water bottles. So, you know, the size that you can drink as a— I don't know, 300ml, say, about the size of a can of fizzy drink. So water about that size. And I have— sometimes I can have maybe a dozen of these bottles just strewn down the side of my bed, like a barrier around me. If anyone trod on them, they'd make a noise. So doing that during your sleep is not really going to help. So hopefully, you know, I can start getting asleep routine in and allow myself to say, yep, this is what helps me, I'm going to use it. I've got to go with this for 4 to 6 weeks and see if I can start establishing, um, a healthy, like, bedtime routine as well. So that's what we're going to do. Um, I did want to also— I was talking last time with Rosemary Aquilina about my, my dog, our family dog, who is 7, and she, she's been one of the best things that I've ever had in my life. Never had a dog before. Didn't know really, you know, what it meant having a dog. Haven't got family or anything that have had a dog, but I've got 3 kids and the youngest one wanted a dog. So 7 years ago we got our little cockapoo who's called Piper and It seemed really almost within the first few months that we got her that all the children left home. So I'm— I have Piper. I don't work, but she's got me out of the house and she's got me meeting friends and she's improved my life so, so much that I don't think there's any way I can tell her or let her know how much she's done for me, but I hope, you know, I do good things for her too. So about 10 days ago, Piper, I took her to, um, a place she's never been before. It wasn't that far from home, and we met an assessor from P-A-T, from PAT, so Pets as Therapy. Yeah, Pets as Therapy. So it's an organisation that's been going on, it's a charity for about 40 years, and they're short of animals. They only use dogs and cats, and it is mainly dogs, I think, I really— dog— we've had cats. I wouldn't think of all the cats we've had, there have been none of them would have been suitable for therapy. And I'm not quite sure if you take them around on a lead. I don't know what the rules are for cats, but the rules for dogs are certainly that they are on a lead. And she went and obviously I couldn't prepare her. It's not like taking your kids somewhere for a ballet exam where they've been prepared. And it's a 45-50 minute assessment. And she just— she passed everything. So she's been accepted on the program. And I'm very excited about it. I think it would be good for me as well to be able to go and actually help people through my dog. In the way that she has helped me, because she seems to have this sort of unending supply of being able to make people feel better. Now I've got to hand in my— do my bit, which is an online form, and then I've sent in my references, and then I, I have to be checked. So I'm hoping that I'm going to pass. I think I will. I can't really see any reason why I won't. But if you have a dog, and a lot of people did get dogs during lockdown, and you think your dog might be suitable and likes people or doesn't jump up, but they don't like dogs that paw in case you go to see elderly people and they might have thinness. Skin, and that could cause some injury to them. So there's, there's quite a few things, but it's all listed as to what you need to do. But when you do fill out the form, the application form online, make sure that you've got a photograph of your dog and the— your vaccination, um, the record of vaccinations. So a certificate, if you like, with you before you fill out the form, because I, I was going to do this before COVID and I got to part of the form, realized that I didn't have the photograph of the dog. I think I need a photograph of me as well, because you get— you both get a lanyard, and I definitely didn't have vaccination certificate. In fact, I wasn't even sure where it was in the house, so that's why I didn't fill out the form. So make sure you've got those two things ready. There is a fee, but it's a donation, and I think it's only about £25. So that pays for the assessor, and it also pays for the insurance while the dog, your dog, is going somewhere as a therapy animal. And it has to wear, I think there's a special collar, it says you know, that it is a therapy dog, and there's a shirt that I would need to wear. And then you put in, you get given the, um, I think, I think the best word is a portal. So you can log in, say your radius that you are willing to travel, and it will come up with establishments who are wanting to have, um, a therapy dog come and visit. They get an awful lot of people inquiring. I'm not sure what the rate is as to how many dogs pass as to how many apply, but they are short of animals. There are so many places that that are on the list saying we want one, and they just haven't got enough dogs. So just think about it. I mean, you can go into anything from prisons to hospitals to schools. There's— I think there's even more things that I've not even seen yet because I can't get into the portal. So I'm looking— I'm really, really looking forward to that. And I think it's really going to do me good to have something else to do with my time. I had to be honest when I was speaking with this psychiatrist that I very easily isolate myself. So I can look fine in the morning when I meet my friends, but there's a bit of me that once I get home and I put the front door shut, it is a bit of a relief. To be inside. I find just doing what I do, meeting friends, is enough. And I don't really tell people about that. There's— they can't— I don't think they could really help. I don't think they could understand. It doesn't make sense. I do use sleep sometimes in the afternoon as a way of filling some time or blocking out how, how I feel. Or if I'm thinking about something and I don't want to, then, um, you know, I do have medication that I can take that makes me go to sleep. And if I'm left, I can sleep for 4 hours. So I've had to be honest about all of these sorts of things. And now that, that's got to stop. If I have a nap, I'm only allowed an hour and I set my alarm, or if someone is in the house, they're going to have to come and get me up so that I can try and get out of this circle. So definitely being able to go out, um, and represent the charity for pets is therapy is going to be good. If I can plan some visits to places in the afternoons, then maybe that'll make me feel better and I won't need to sleep my life away, because that's what I try and do and it's just not helpful. This week also I had to go and see, um, a doctor about, um, Well, I have a bit— I have no bladder that works, so it's called detrusor failure. And I— something hasn't been quite right, and I've put it off and put it off for so long. And I've got family who are doctors, and I've asked them I've decided that if I need to ask a question and there's someone that might know the answer, then like go ahead and ask. And they said, no, I think, we think you should really get checked out. Well, going, going to see doctors and things is quite difficult, and if I need a new procedure, I need to have it done under a general anaesthetic because of, um, past and triggers and risk of dissociating. So now I'm actually at the Clinic for Dissociative Studies. They do, as part of their protocol, send a letter to the consultant's secretary just explaining what I have what needs to be sort of managed. And I saw this really nice, really, really nice doctor, and he said, "Oh, I've had this extra email," and— but he didn't really understand it, because DID, they don't. I mean, he's never— it's never been included in any of his training, so Why would he? He doesn't— he wanted me to explain really what more that it was. So I think it's a really good thing that I have now got these letters that will go whenever I go for a medical appointment. But on the other hand, you just sit there feeling it's just another person that doesn't understand. And I've spoken to one too many of them. And it also flags up as me being something a bit different and not how he wants to be seen. But that's just the way it is. So, um, you know, maybe if I've now got these letters going out and other people then start getting the same thing, then people will think, "Oh yeah, I've heard about that. I need to know a bit more about it." And one day, that's my hope, that we do have it recognized properly and trained professionals in the UK. So that's one of the reasons why I wanted to do the radio series, because I'm not sure how— I'm not actually sure how much longer I would have been able to keep going the way I was. I mean, I'm not great, to be honest, but I'm heaps, heaps better than I was and how I was sort of 2 years ago, I'm not really even sure that I would be here now if I wasn't getting the right, the right help. So if you, if you're seeing somebody and it does not feel right, go with your gut and keep persisting. There are, if you've had trauma repeated trauma, you could be really needing a specialist. And you'll probably have a bit of a battle on your hands because I've had to, to fight, and you need to get an advocate. I had to use my, uh, my GP was absolutely amazing. She championed it for me. She, she absolutely She did absolutely everything that she could have done to get me to the right place and to get me the funding, because my treatment's predicted to last for 6 years. Now we've, we've nearly done a year actually, so that's, that's really good. One down, five to go. But you do need an advocate. To know how to word things properly and who the people are. And because they are a medical professional, they're going to listen to them. They're certainly not going to listen to me because I'm just the patient with the diagnosis and I don't, I don't really understand it all yet. So yeah, definitely do that. I have mentioned in previous broadcasts that I've been having really, really big trouble with the PIP, Personal Independence Payment, and the DWP, so the Department for Work and Pensions, and I— words really fail me with this, because if it's happening to me, it's happening to a lot of other people. In fact, some people I even know— sorry, excuse me, he's having a drink— and even if you call them up and ask for some help in how to answer the questions, because My life is all I know, and there might be certain things that they're looking for, information that's really key and that they want. I've had people who've been absolutely so pleasant in trying to help me with this from the PIP and asking me, you know, what, why I'm finding such and such question difficult. It's— I think it's probably I misunderstand what they're asking because of the way I think. And I've sent in my PIP and it got stopped because they said they never got the form. But I sent the form in the envelope they gave me to send it back in. And then they also decided to say they'd lost just about every other a copy of medical letters that I've sent to them. I send them everything because they say, "Send everything and we sift through it. That is what we do." Well, now I also have an advocate for this who is my psychotherapist. They've lost her stuff too. Our stuff hasn't gone together, has gone like the copies and her input. And so then she started sending things by, um, recorded— I think it's recorded delivery. So, you know, one of the things where you get— you can track it and you can check when it's been delivered. So there's been about 3 of those that have been received. But they still deny. They, they say they didn't get those. So it's the most frustrating thing. It's really distressing. And what I find distressing about it is, is, is like my abuse. If I have a situation or somebody does something to me or something is going on that involves me and I can't understand why it's happening, why, why it's still going on, why it's just very, very bad and very, very triggering. And we've had to go to to tribunal courts. I think we've— I think this week was number 5, and this is spread over many, many months. So I don't receive any payment at all because they stopped it. And every time there's a hearing, I don't go to it. It's done on Zoom with— by my psychotherapist. And— because that's how it's best to deal with it for somebody like me. And every time the judge directs to the clerk in writing not to send or contact me, Well, this is a place that loses all their mail that we send, but they're quite happy to send me mail that I shouldn't even have, that it clearly states. So I think it's a complete shambles, and I think it's, it's really disgraceful, and I think it wouldn't be a bad idea if they took it out of the government and made it run as a proper business. And basically this time I got a phone call in the morning about it, and I shouldn't have. So I asked the person why I'd been called. So, well, it's about you. Yeah, well, what does it say on the notes? Have you read the notes, the directions from the judge about whether or not you're to talk to me No, I haven't. Well, I suggest you read them. Oh. Well, why? I've got you on the phone. Because you're not meant to be contacting me. You keep doing this and I keep getting apologies, but it's not sorting anything out. You'll speak— you need to— Oh yeah, oh yeah, I've just seen this, I've just seen this. It's so unprofessional. It's so stressful. It's the biggest waste of time and money. There is one person at the Department of Work and Pensions who is a solicitor who is trying desperately to find one little clause or one little time lapse of me not sending in some information or my advocate not sending information just to stop me having the payment. And this time, these hearings go on for 2 hours. They involve so many people. They involve, you know, like judges, they've got my psychotherapist, she could be helping people. The, the clocks not reading judges' directions. It's just making a right old hash of it. And this hearing went on, um, over, over Zoom, I think. I wasn't there, but I got told about it afterwards for about 2 hours. And basically the judge was, um, really not happy with the DWP and wanted to know what on earth they were playing at. Didn't put it in those words, but that's the gist. And then they've been given 3 weeks to come up with, with a resolution. So we'll just have to wait for, for the resolution and that will be negotiated. But there are so many people out there who struggle to get these payments, benefits, I don't know, whatever you want to call, you call them, who are entitled to them, whether they're carers or people who can't work due to health issues. And it's so difficult, it's so distressing. I think it's designed to make you want to give up, because it impacts so badly on your mental health. I can't understand how this department is being run in this way. And we've only got like 2 years of this government at the moment, and then we'll have— believe we'll be having another election. And then if someone else comes in, it would change this again. So I think it for the National Health as well, like, Okay, you gotta fund it through government, but put it in the hands of people who can manage it and who aren't going to change jobs or, or, um, you know, have a complete takeover every 2 years. But I suppose that's not really going to happen. So this, um This, this week, um, with the Queen, uh, as I'm speaking to you, I've recorded this a week before you get to hear it. So I'm speaking at the moment on the 18th of September, and tomorrow being the 19th is the, the funeral for Queen Elizabeth II. And yeah, I, I think it's— I mean, I think it's obviously very sad, but it's— if somebody has lived a really good life and they were like 96 and they died peacefully, then that's what I would want for anybody. I'd want it for anyone to die peacefully, doesn't matter how old you are. But 96 is an, is an incredible age. But we— I have elderly parents, not as old as the Queen, but they're in their 80s. And we don't live near our family, like my parents' family, we don't live near them. So about twice a year, we have a trip just for a weekend. 2 nights to go and see like my mom's family basically. And it's always a little bit mixed for me, the emotions, because I had some of the best times of my childhood here. With my cousins, with my aunts and uncles, with all the family. And I'm going to be seeing some of these people. But they also know what happened to me. And it makes me a little bit uncomfortable because I don't want to be seen as that person. Um, You know, it's a difficult thing for them to talk to me about, so it's not generally talked about. And I don't want any misery in their lives, but I equally— I don't want them just to see me as somebody, you know, who had this terrible thing happen to them, Well, they're partly— they're part of my amazing memories that I need to keep holding on to. So the other thing that I find quite difficult coming up here is that both my grandparents are buried here, and my first— not my first— my absolute favourite, favourite person ever in the whole wide world was my grandma. Because we lived away from her and the rest of the family. When she came to our house, she had to come and stay. Like, she'd stay for like a week. And I loved it. I absolutely loved having my grandma there. And when I came home from school, the first thing I would do would be to go and rush and find my grandma and just want to spend so much time with her. And I really miss her. I mean, she died quite a long time ago, years and years ago actually. But she, she is in the, um, cemetery up here, but we've not had time to do it. So I was thinking about grief as, as we drove up. So my parents don't drive anymore, so they need me to, to come to take them, and I organize the rooms and make sure that, you know, they've got a walk-in shower, they're sort of stepping up a bath and thing is not ideal for them at their age. Um, so I, I try and organize stuff so we can have it as easy as possible. And as we're driving up, um, my mum actually doesn't stop talking for the whole, the entire car journey. I mean, I'm driving. I don't think my mum's driven for about 40 years. Because she will comment on everything. I get a full running commentary of all the— they've just trimmed their hedge, and it's, um, yeah, it's, um, probably sort of a sort of person and thing that I'm going to grow into, and I'm going to be coming out with these phrases too, and I'm in my 90s. 80s and '90s. And the other thing she, she says is, um, when you get in the car, you think traffic. It's like, well, obviously there's going to be traffic because we're gonna have to go on a motorway, and that's where cars go, you know. But it honestly is a continual running commentary on what she's seeing. I can't stop and look at these things. I need to concentrate. So, um, yeah, it is quite tiring, um, but they— to see them seeing their family, it just makes me realize how important it is to talk to people, see your family, see your friends. Not just a text or a WhatsApp message, but to actually spend some time. So the first day we were going to do, we had 4 things planned. I said, no, that's too many, we can't, we're not going to do that. So we cut it down to 2 things to do. Well, we only managed one. I took my parents to see my mum's brother and they ended up staying for over 3 hours. So, but it was lovely for them to just talk. My mum can't use a mobile phone for toffee and she is so, so good at phoning her family. She phones her friends who are abroad. She emails and sends pictures as well. We've now got her up to speed on that. But just watching my parents with my uncle and just being able to chat as if time stood still, it was just a really, really good thing. So it doesn't matter how tired I am this weekend or you know, the bits I've had to think about and plan to have my mum and dad here and make life quite a bit easier for them. It's all worthwhile, it absolutely is. And one of the things that came out of this was, um, in another room, uh, one of my cousins popped in. Well, I haven't seen her for maybe 10 years, which is sad, but you know, we got to see each other and we, we couldn't work out how to get a video to work on a television. I'm not sure they even do work on television anymore, but we Googled it, we YouTubed it, but we couldn't do it. So we sat and had a chat ourselves, and I don't think we've actually chatted like that for about 25 years, maybe more. And even though some of our conversation, you know, we've both had things in our life that have been quite difficult, um, we've also both got the same sort of attitude to try and get our needs met or some form of self-care and trying to go forward and move on and enjoy what's to come. So I spent— so spending 2 hours chatting to my cousin was absolutely lovely, and because we're family, she could talk to me about, you know, what it's like looking after an elderly parent, and I could do the same. So that was very, very positive and very, very supportive. It's not what I thought it would be, uh, and I actually didn't expect her to be there. Usually when I see my cousins, I feel a total sense of loss. I feel grief. I feel— excuse me— I don't feel judged, but I feel Once people know what's happened to you, you can't take— ever take those words back. That's what they know. You know, they don't know— I don't even know what they know, really. And she did mention it, which was really kind. And it felt okay. And I think it's probably the first time it's been mentioned up here. I am usually— I bring my parents out, I drive them, I sort the luggage out, I sort my mum's walking frame thing out, I do, you know, all those sorts of things. So I'm usually pretty busy sorting out stuff like that and getting them food and drink and— excuse me— and usually I just feel really sad. I feel really sad when I come here, even though this was the place where— and I did talk about this— with my cousin, how I can remember her and I staying with my grandma up here, getting our swimming stuff together, and then just going for a walk two streets away to the, um, they had a big swimming pool, but we were in the little one's pool. We were only about 5 or 6, And swimming lessons weren't such a thing then. And she remembered it too. And those are, you know, they were just really, really happy memories. And it was nice talking about those. The other thing that I was always super envious of this family, my cousin's family, because they owned a shop. They owned— I used to make a shop in our garden shed and buy like cheap sweets and just set it all out. I never sold anything to anybody, but I just used to like being a shopkeeper. Well, they had a real proper shop with like a little spa shop, a supermarket thing, and with a post office. And, um, I don't know, they did other sort of things in the community. People could go there locally and get, get stuff. And I think they used to deliver as well in those days. And I, I so love staying there, like living above a shop, and then we could go down and we could get like choose an ice lolly and like, and not pay for it. So, um, that— I just thought that was incredible. Um, and we used to get like a little bag of sweets as well, and we didn't pay for those. Then my cousin was telling me that actually that really only happened when they had family that's sort of like me staying because usually they used to either have to work, do a little bit of work in the shop, or pay for their things. So it wasn't— so it's not really quite— I thought they had a different type of life. I didn't realise that it was a little bit more different. So it was good. It was really, really good. Talking to my cousin. Then the next day, so today, I've seen two more cousins. Um, there's, there's, um, two that, um, just weren't going to be able to do this weekend. Well, one is abroad a very, very long way, and another one also lives a very long car journey away, so that wasn't going to happen. But I met two more, uh, we met two more of my cousins today, and again, it was, um, it was nice. We were just talking about, uh, funny things that happened a long time ago in our families and when we were doing things together. And they lived on a farm. Now, I thought that was amazing. So, I mean, I've got a cousin who's got her own shop, and I've also got cousins who live on a farm. So we used to spend our Saturday nights in the tomato greenhouse picking and eating all these absolutely delicious tomatoes. I'm not sure whether we were really meant to have quite as many as we took, but I could have lived on them. They were absolutely beautiful. And the farmhouse was always just buzzy, like my aunt so busy getting ready, meals ready for the men when they came back from the land, and she would always have stuff going on, and she had one of those Aga ranges to cook on, and there'd be things coming out of all these doors of amazing foods. And she had a lovely big pantry, and all of us would come and get together. We'd go, you know, for Christmas and Easter and things like that. And I absolutely loved those days. We had, we had such good fun, and We, I think it was, it definitely was in the days before health and safety because my oldest cousin, he used to then take us out on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day on a tractor and trailer, like basically shove us all in the back of a trailer and then go off around their land. And I love that too. That was just so much fun. We had such a great time. And this visit has been so different to other ones, the other visits I've had, where all I've really felt is like being quiet not saying anything unless I absolutely have to, because there's this really big sense of loss, loss of— for myself, because I lost some childhood times. Well, I actually even lost some adult time. That should have been really good and happy. And what happened to me and being abused by a group of men should never have happened. And I grieve, I grieve for what I've lost, big time. I grieve for it like it hurts like crazy, absolutely. It really does. So to come away and actually spend 3 hours with one cousin and then 6 hours with the other 2 and just having a laugh about things is absolutely— changed, changed really the whole weekend. We were going to go and see my my grandparents' grave. That's what we usually do. They're not far from here, but we haven't got time. My mum would like to get home tomorrow to see the Queen's funeral, and, um, you know, she's an absolute massive fan of the Queen, so we're going to do that. And if I'd gone to my grandma's grave, I would have felt a huge sense of grief and loss because that— just being the best person in the world. She— there's nobody that will ever replace my grandma, and for me. And I was safe when I was with her. Absolutely 100% safe when I was with her. And I feel that's terrible, terrible loss. I mean, she died when she was, um, 87, and the Queen has died at 96. Well, if I could have had Grandma even just for one more day, it would have been Well, a day just as good as all the others, but her loss really hit me. And it still does. And maybe it will for quite a long time. I might never— I don't know. I don't think I've ever loved anyone. So much as I, as I love my grandma. So I haven't had to go and do the big sort of laying flowers, and we're not going to have time to do all that, but I'm going to come back and I will do it. And I will let the pain out a little bit more again. And it made me think of the, the royal family and how people there, they've lost a grandma, great-grandma, a mom, and It's, it's gonna hurt for a lot for them, but I really, really hope that they can find some comfort in the fact that she died— well, we are told she died peacefully, and I hope that really, really is the case. But it is said that You know, you feel grief because you've lost love. And so that's very special. If you had that love and you've lost it, then grief. And, you know, grief happens and it affects your brain. And it's a process. But I also— I do— so I feel lost. From my grandma. I've lost other family members, but it is still grandma that really hurts the most. And I do grieve personally for myself as somebody who lost some of their childhood, and now as an adult looking back at that and feeling very sad fought for the Lawson, for the things that I know about because they happened to me that I should never ever know about, and I shouldn't even know now, but they can't be taken away. So if you need a med review, just keep on asking. There will be someone somewhere, and we have technology so you can get in touch with them. If you have a dog, that would be good for pet therapy. Try and look into that. And, um, yeah, and if you're fighting with the DWP, then keep on going for that too.