Judymay Is Listening LIVE SHOW – Your Dream Is Not Broken

Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Hello, how are you today? Judy Mae Murphy here. I'm listening to what it is that's going on in your life. Because as we know, there are so many things that we can kind of get funky with in our head. We can sit there and we can say to ourselves, it's not working. There's something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm a burden on all the people around me. And then suddenly we'll break out of that and we're like, you know what, I'm pretty rock star. I'm awesome, I'm amazing, I can do this. And we'd just like a little bit more of that time in that. Wouldn't that be great if we could just feel confident, not cocky about it, not sort of thinking that there's nothing wrong with us that needs to be fixed. And we're amazing. We're all flawed. There's stuff going on. However, it's when we over identify with the things that aren't going right, with the lack of progress, with the repeated patterns that we have, particularly the ones that keep getting us into similar situations, we can very often end up feeling that it's not going to get any better. And given that progress is the thing that really makes us feel great, progress is the thing that really gets the dopamine, that buzzy kind of feel good going on in our bodies in a long term way. We really need to make sure that we are excited about our present and our future. There are two chemicals really that run our happiness. Happiness is an umbrella term, by the way. A lot of people are like, oh, I just don't know how to be happy. No one knows how to be happy because there's too many things too happy. Right. So let's just break it down a little bit. We've got that sort of like buzzy feel, amazing thing and then we've got that contentment that. That contentment is more associated with the chemical serotonin. And unless we've got both of those going on, we can become either overly dependent on some kind of like high, some kind of fix to do with the dopamine, or we can become overly dependent on feeling sort of safe and cozy. We want to make sure that we're bouncing between the two. Now there are about 200 other chemicals that are involved, but those are kind of the main star players, as it were. So this was something that I thought would Be really important to point out because we've got a couple of letters in from you. I always say letters. That really ages me, doesn't it? Melissa's laughing away there, our technical producer. She's just loving that. Yet emails coming in. And by the way, if you have anything going on that you would like for us to deal with on the show, you don't even have to give your first name. If your name appears on the email or you're identifiable through the email, it's okay, just let me know that we only ever use first names. But if you'd rather not use your first name, you'd rather have me change it something else. Very, very happy to do that. The best way is to reach out at infoudymay J U D Y M A Y T V Tango Victor. All right, so the theme of today's show is am I broken? Am I broken? You know, is it too late? Am I too disheveled? And that could be that maybe you had a really tough childhood and now you're in your 20s and you're like, did my childhood ruin me for life? Maybe you're in your 60s and you're having the same kind of thoughts. Or is it that you've just been through so much and you've been disappointed and you've been let down and you've let yourself down in own way of thinking, and you're just sort of wondering, have I broken myself? Because we all have these days where we feel like the wheels fell off and we want to make sure that we know in all moments that we are powerful. There is always something we can do, even if the thing that we can do is to breathe, to remind ourselves that we're still here, remind ourselves that there's another day, that things are going to feel different. And very often there's a lot more that we can do, too. So let's just delve in. The very first note came in from Eliza from London. Eliza says, my business didn't take off the way I hoped it would. It was a local artisan cafe. And my partner now wants me to go back into paid employment. And she's talking about her love relationship partner, not a business partner. And my partner now wants me to go back into paid employment. I can get work easily and I don't completely hate it, but I'd rather use the lessons I learned and open a new cafe. Okay, so around this theme of am I broken? Is it over? Have I missed my window? We often have these moments where we feel like we have to make A big decision where it's either, you know, you move forward and you do the entrepreneurial thing, or you will be stuck forever bringing in money. When it comes to bouncing back, and this is all about bouncing back, comes to bouncing back from something like a business that didn't turn out the way that you wanted to, then we've got a couple of things to look at here. And the first thing that we've got to do when it comes to our finances is we've just got to get ourselves safe. And that means that, you know, we can do the basics, that we can at least feed ourselves, house ourselves, clothe ourselves, have the lights on, have our Internet, have all those things going on. So that needs to be step number one. And it might be that you might need to step into paid employment even for a couple of weeks, even if you don't do the usual kick ass thing that you're used to doing, but just take a job clearing tables in a bar while you just get to that safety place. Or it might be that you have savings and you're already in that safety place. But this is for everybody. Whenever we are in financial recovery mode, we've got to make sure that we're not trying to say to ourselves that what we do today is going to decide the way our whole lives look, the way that we're financially going to end up. We have to know that it's not going to define us. So just short term we got to get safe. And then the next thing we've got to do is we've got to build in ongoing safety. So when it comes to finances, a lot of people are kind of week to week and that's not a very safe place to be. So we got to make sure that we have sort of a little emergency fund, that we've got some savings, that we know when the money's going to be coming in, that we're not just hoping that people will buy our product from Etsy or ebay or wherever we're selling our product. We got to just not hope, fingers crossed, that people are going to hire us for our services. But we know that we have a steady stream. So next is about building that. And I would say then, Eliza, if you're at that stage where it's about building more ongoing safety, then you can start to knit in these ideas of and what is it I'd like to do long term? You don't have to wait until the mortgage is paid off, you don't have to wait until you're completely financially Free. Before you start living your dream, you can knit the two together. And this is the thing that I do for people all the time. Most of my clients. Clients come to me at a place where they're like, okay, I'm not in dire straits, but I feel emotionally like I'm really not doing what it is that I want to do on this planet. And that's at the point where we say, okay, now it's time to follow your dream. It's not about being reckless. It is about taking risk. But, hey, it depends how you define risk. A lot of people, the risk that they take every day is not building their dream. And that, to me, is then the ultimate risk. That, to me, is a very, very scary risk. That's one I would never. But again, it's a lot to do with how you're built and what feels good to you. So you've said that. I'd much rather use my lessons learned and open a new cafe. Is it possible that you could be doing both? Is it possible that you could be doing one thing to bring in money on an ongoing basis and then opening the new cafe? We have this kind of idea, this sort of founder's myth, an idea of people just eating ramen noodles and sleeping under their desk and 12 of them all in it together, and then they do that for a year, and voila, they are billionaires, and it's all good. The thing is that we do have those stories. We hear about that with Elon Musk. We hear about that with the Google guys. We hear about that with the Apple guys. All of these people, we've heard about that stage, but we don't hear about the people who, 10 years later, they are still not looking after themselves, that the lessons are just too harsh for their lives to be living out well. So that's what I'd like to save you from, Eliza, is putting yourself through the mill in order to get your dream. Let's find a much more gentle, more consistent way of building your dream. But it seems to me, along the theme of am I broken? It seems to me as if the message that you're taking from your partner is that you tried it once, you didn't manage. You can't be trusted behind the wheel again. And that's something that's very hard to take. A large part of feeling loved is feeling trusted, feeling that you know what your lessons were. And if other people are acting as if you haven't learned any lessons, as if you are the same person you were before you opened the first cafe. Then it can make you feel very alone because the feeling is that you are just alone with that knowing. We all know how it feels when you return to your family of origin at Christmas or for some big event like a wedding or a funeral, and suddenly everybody's treating you as if you were the person you were when you were 10 years old. And that is a very, very lonely feeling. No one acknowledging the progress that you've made. So I'm imagining that maybe a little conversation needs to be had around that, where if your partner is acting from this picture that they've got going on of, you know, you're just going to be running the family into debt or you're going to be putting yourself through hardship and not getting anything and being even more unhappy at the end of it. Just find out, first of all, what pictures is your partner running, what's going on in their head. And then you can say to yourself, right? You can reassure, you can say, okay, I can see that I also have some of those scary pictures going on. However, I also have this going on. And perhaps they don't know that. Perhaps they don't know that 10 of the mistakes that you made are the things that sunk the ship. And you will never make those mistakes again. Because. So step number one is, first of all, acknowledge that it's okay. It's okay to make really big mistakes. You did it with good intention. You didn't mean to do whatever it was you did, or you didn't mean to ignore whatever it was that you ignored and you've learned from it. So first of all, reassure yourself that that's okay. There's no price to be paid. There's no penance to be done. There's nothing that now says that you need to work twice as hard to prove yourself. Okay? So first of all, make peace with yourself around what happened and congratulate yourself. You did what a lot of people didn't do. A lot of people don't open a cafe if that's what their dream is. They'll talk about it endlessly, endlessly, endlessly. So you are way ahead of those people who just talked about it. It might feel like you're way behind those people, as if those who just talk about it still have a clean slate and you've really, really blotted your copybook. But that is not the case. The case is that you have learned and you still have your dream. And again, you're way ahead of all those fail at something, if we're going to call it that. And then they decide that they're just going to draw a great big line under the dream. So you're way ahead of most people on the planet. You can congratulate yourself on that, Eliza. And please keep listening to the rest of the show because we're going to be dealing with lots of different ways that we can remind ourselves that we are in fact powerful. We are not broken. There's nothing wrong with us. Even if people aren't treating us well, we're still worthy of being treated well and we're still absolutely worthy of having our dreams. Welcome to women's radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Falguni Desai of Action Coach. Are you a business owner with more than five employees? Do you want to grow your business? I'm a London based business coach who helps small and medium sized businesses to grow and make a profit. I will help you identify the strengths and weaknesses in your business and then work with you to improve it using a structured framework. To find out more, contact me on 072-16-54640 and book your one hour complimentary one to one coaching session. Thank you. Hi, I'm Tracey Weedon of Brownhill Insurance Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal household, high net worth and fine art. You can contact us on 0208-658-4334 or visit our website www.brownhillgroup.co.uk for your free no obligation quotation at Brownhills. We've got you covered. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together. With spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny look at being a mum. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the executive director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo, and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org women's radio station can give a voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience to you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life, and I listen, and together we transform everything. And welcome back. Sometimes it does feel like we have to transform everything, doesn't it? It really feels like, oh, you know what? There's not even one part of my life where I'm completely satisfied. That's okay. It's meant to be like that. There are a lot of people who are very satisfied with every single part of their life. And you know what? They're not growing and their standards are staying small, and they're not really having the best time that they could on the planet. And you are. You really are. And there's more good times on the way. So we're here to make sure that you get to those good times even more quickly. Today we're answering the question, am I broken? First of all, when we ask ourselves questions like that, our brain does what's called a transderivational search. Big, fancy term. All it means is our brain will find the answer. If we ask a question, our brain will want to answer it. You know, would I like a cup of tea? You imagine yourself making, drinking a cup of tea, and then you delve into, does that sensation feel like a good one or not? We ask ourselves a question like, am I broken? We start searching. We start creating images of our brokenness. And from there, we start to pile on the evidence. We say, oh, yeah, I'm broken in this way and this way and this way. So really, instead of, am I broken? A simple fix is to ask, how am I doing great? What areas am I doing great in? And this isn't to ignore any challenges that you have or anything that needs to be fixed. Believe me, some of those things are screaming loud enough that you're going to be able to get back to those, they will demand attention. But what we can do is we can remind ourselves that that's not all of it, that it's not just that if you've got a thing going on, perhaps it's that you are in a relationship with someone who is having an affair. Perhaps it's that you are struggling for money. Perhaps it's that you are just not feeling joyful. Could be that you don't like the way your body is right now. It could be, you know, all these usual things that we have. Or maybe it's something very specific. Maybe it's one of your kids is kind of off course. Perhaps it's that you just don't feel in love with your partner anymore. Perhaps you just aren't finding a partner to be in love with. And so, so often we can start to overly focus on that thing and start to believe that that is the only thing in our life. And if we fix that, and not until we fix that, then everything's going to be okay. Whereas we can just remind ourselves that, you know what, most of it is okay. If you're healthy, you can absolutely look at that one. And if you're not healthy right now, if you've had some kind of diagnosis that you're not happy with, you can bring yourself back to health. So I really want to reassure you today that your life isn't as broken and you're not as broken as you sometimes tell yourself at three in the morning when you can't get back to sleep, it's okay. You're doing really, really well. And a really fun thing to do is just capture the areas that you are doing really well. I'm a big fan of journaling, but it depends how you journal. If you just journal in order to refocus and overly focus and really dig deep on just how awful things are, well, you know what, you're going to create more of that. But if you use your journaling time to really meet yourself on the page, ask some questions, delve in, find some better solutions, have fun with it, maybe clear something from the past. So maybe you were treated a certain way by a parent and actually having the conversation on the page as you write it out and you as you are now, being able to talk to the parent as they were back then can be something that's really good. So we've got lots of creative ways we're going to be sharing with those with you today. So today I don't have a guest simply because I want us to be able to dig deep together on what are the very practical things that can be done to remind you that your life is working, it is getting better, you have a dream, it's not too late, that dream is coming true. And pretty much that's what I go through life doing, is just taking people by the shoulders, looking them square in the eye and saying, you've got this. You really do. It's not over. It's absolutely not over. So you can stop acting as if it is over. You can stop watching TV all night, you can stop drinking that glass of wine. You can stop. Or you're the expert on you, so maybe you need that right now. But what I'm saying is that things can be quickly, maybe not easily, but certainly not complexly, certainly not difficultly, using words that don't exist. You can actually transform things in a much shorter time span than you're thinking right now. So let's get to our next question. Our next question is from Lorraine in Manchester. That's not her real name. She asked us to call her Lorraine. So I shall be doing that. And Lorraine says, I finally left my narcissistic husband last year. And Lorraine is very interesting to me that you. That you don't want me to use your first name. And that when you have been in an abusive relationship, when you have been living in fear of someone, even something like the small chance that that person will know that you've written into a radio show, even though maybe dozens of people in your city have got that same name, even if it's an unusual name, like the fact that you just don't want to take a chance on upsetting them. I thought that was, that was really telling and a lot of women can relate to that. So she says, I final left my narcissistic husband last year. Even with all the legal stuff that isn't fun. I've had such a peaceful year compared to the 10 or so before that when I was with him. People are now saying, and I feel it sometimes too, that I should look to get into another relationship. But I'm scared of feeling the way I did before, terrified of being trapped again. Okay, so let's have a look at a few things here. First of all, a lot of people, when they hear the word narcissistic, what they hear is they hear that we're talking about somebody who is grandiose, somebody who loves themselves, somebody who's a bit of a show off. But in fact, I Can see the way. And your note was longer than this. So I know that you actually are referring to someone who has narcissistic personality disorder, which is a very, very different kettle of fish. Now, I'm not a psychologist, I'm a coach. So I'm really all about the very practical things that we can put in place to make your life better. But absolutely anybody can identify if they believe that someone has got narcissistic behavior going on. You don't need to get a diagnosis. You just have to know that someone's behavior is really not working for you. And they might say something like, oh, but I'm just this way because. Or, you know, a lot of people appreciate my sense of humor, but you know that it's not humor. You know that you're being attacked or whatever it is. You don't need to be convinced. You don't even need to have the power to argue back. You just need to have a feeling, a feeling of, this isn't right. Let's imagine that you are going on a first date with someone and they show up half an hour late without an apology. Now, people can be late, but if they sort of say, sorry, running late, I'll be there soon, and then it doesn't happen the next time, the next time they're on time, all good. But if you just feel like they didn't acknowledge that you had been sitting there waiting for half an hour and you just didn't feel supported, you've got to listen to that feeling. Because so often we listen to what people say. We allow ourselves to be convinced by what they say rather than just really dropping into the feeling, really feeling the feeling of, what is it that they do? What is it that they did? How did I feel when they did that? That really is your guidance system. Rather than this very slick person saying to you something like, oh, well, you're too sensitive. Like most people, when they say 12 o', clock, they mean, you know, around 12, 12, 30, whatever. You know, most people would be able to, you know, quite easily entertain themselves. I didn't know that you were so needy that you had to have me there at exactly 12:00'. Clock. And then you start to feel, oh, gosh, you know, especially if you're conscientious in any way you're feeling, oh, wow, am I too needy? Oh, I felt like I'm too needy in the past. Because very often needy is a label that is put on us. Those of us who are conscientious, those of us who are good people, those of us who are loving people. Needy is a label that is slapped on us by people who fail to or cannot meet our needs. It's a reasonable expectation that if you arrange to meet someone at 12 or if you are in a relationship with someone, that they will do the things that you expect, that they will be there at 12, that they will give you a hug, that they will ask you about your day. Those are reasonable expectations. And that, that is why when those reasonable expectations are not met, you feel badly. And then to add insult to injury, you're told that it wasn't a reasonable expectation in the first place. So that's why you got to listen to your feelings. You've got to listen to, you know, what is it that I am experiencing right now? And if you're consistently experiencing someone with something, it might well be that they're not wrong, it might well be just that they've got different rules that they live by. They might not be narcissistic, they might not be horrible. But you know what? Definitely not for you. So this is the thing that we need to look at is, Lorraine, what was it that enabled you to get into a relationship with a narcissistic person and to stay in that relationship for so long? I can relate to this. Many, many women out there can relate to this feeling of, yeah, what, you know, what was going on, that I just stuck around. And when it comes to the idea of getting into another relationship, we're going to be talking about that in the next half hour, this feel of, you know, is there something wrong with me? Can I dare to get back into another relationship? Can I dare to get back into another situation, Whether that is love or business or adventure or anything on the planet, you know, can I, can I even trust myself on this planet, given the mistakes that I made? Am I irreparably broken? Was I always broken? All these fun things that yet again, you know, keep us awake at 3 o' clock in the morning. And the answer to these can be found. And once we understand, why was it, you know, why was it that I got into a narcissistic relationship? And a large part of it was probably that you were believing what you were told and you were believing what you were hoping over, what it was that you were feeling. And it might be that you need a little bit more practice in that before you can really trust that you, that you feel good all the time. Because as we know, when we get into relationships in the early days, they can feel amazing at first. Everyone's on best behavior Everyone is showing their highlight reel, everyone's got their Instagram face showing. Everyone's putting their best foot forward. And in those times, we can feel amazing. And then it's like, well, Judy Mae, you told me to pay attention to how I feel consistently long term. Also, when things don't go the other person's way, who are they in that moment? And these things do take time. So a year, you know, given that you're going to live to 100, Lorraine, at least let's, let's give you just a little bit more time on that. This. But we're going to discuss this a little bit more after the break because this isn't about navel gazing. We shouldn't just say to ourselves, oh, we got to get over it. We do need to work out what happened. We do need to actually learn the lessons in their complexity, in their subtleties. So we've got more coming up now. Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Heazelmere Trust Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalized service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078-254-12112 and Liz spelt L I S hazazelmayetravel.co.uk I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in with touch. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity, helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help visit turntous.org.uk Let me tell you about Jermyn Street Theatre. This is a secret theatre in the heart of the West End. Once found, never forgotten, this is where careers ignite, where great actors perform just feet away from the audience. This is where magic happens. We would love you to join our mailing list or become a sponsor or just buy a ticket to one of our shows. The website is www.germanstreettheatre.co.uk. you're listening to Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Coming soon will be a host of new shows supporting all areas of your well being, shows that you can get involved in. So stay tuned. Womensradiostation.com here for you. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Judy Mae Murphy here. How are you doing today? I am listening to what it is that you're saying about feeling that you are somehow broken, somehow disempowered, not able to move forward, that somehow you've made too many mistakes, things don't seem to be changing, that you wonder, is it over? Have you missed your window? Have you either, you know, missed your window in terms of your age or chronicle chronological age or maybe, you know, a time that you've lived through? I know a lot of people a few years ago when things weren't going great with the whole real estate thing, a lot of people were, myself included, were losing their properties and, you know, having a very, very tough time. And at that time people said, well, I would have loved to have gotten into real estate. And it's too late. Well, of course, at any time since that moment, there have been people making money in real estate. So remember that not the same thing is happening all around the world at the same time. So right now a lot of people feel scared because they're living in a place where there's a lot of uncertainty. If you're in the uk, you're probably feeling uncertainty about Brexit. If you are in Paris or the rest of France, you're probably feeling that about the Gilets Jaunes, the Red Jacket, the protesters. If you're in the United States, you're probably feeling that about a lot of things. But we've got to remember that even if you are in those places, there are pockets of Safety and pockets of growth and places where you can transform and thrive and grow and have an amazing experience no matter what. Do you remember after the Second World War? I'm sure there's very few of you who are just like, I remember it very well. Jeannie May. Yes, I remember going and saying this to my friend, but we know about what happened during the Second World War, all the atrocities. And still they had the question that they would ask each other, did you have a good war? Because they were acknowledging that there were some people who, you know, managed to take a terrible situation and make it the best that it could be for themselves. There were some people who couldn't do that through no fault of their own. But no matter what's going on, you can always make it the best that it can be. And if we're always talking about the things that we don't have any power over, then we're going to start to feel disempowered. So if you're constantly tuning into what's happening with the government, then you're going to feel like you're powerless to change it. And then you're probably going to kind of smear that all over the rest of your life and just feel powerless in general, rather than just checking in maybe a couple times a day if you're a real fan or you're really interested in what's going on, and then saying, right, how can I change that? How much time am I going to put aside to changing that? Over the years, I've gotten involved in various political campaigns. I won't tell you what they were because this isn't a political show, but things I felt very strongly about. And what I did was I would spend about two hours a week and I would coach the people who were leading a particular campaign. You know, help them to make sure they were looking after themselves, help them to find new solutions. And in fact, there was one time I did a coaching session with someone and he then went on to unblock something that was really quite tight politically. And so you can be more effective if you actually sit down and schedule it. Schedule how effective you're going to be, schedule what you're going to do, rather than just saying to yourself, okay, I'm going to just scroll through Twitter and get even more annoyed. Instead, I'm going to spend two hours a day on Twitter in the evening, and I'm going to construct really, really great arguments, or I'm going to encourage people who are saying these kind of things. But make sure that you are really Taking charge, really. Designing your day. When I use the phrase designing your day, a lot of people interpret that to mean a lifestyle thing, kind of like, what shoes am I going to wear? Now, as women, we know it all starts from the shoes, right? I got a big smile from Ellis on saying that one as we know this because that then decides our identity. Are we going to be kick ass today? Are we going to be stylish today? Are we going to be comfy today? Are we going to be like, what are you going to be today? Are you going to be speedy today? Are you going to be old school today? What is it that you're going to be? Very often we build that either from the lipstick down or from the shoes up. So, you know, it can, it can be about those kind of things, but really it's about making sure that your day is structured so that you get the important things for you done. Because again, as women we are wired so that if a baby cries that we look away from what we're doing and we look toward the baby because, you know, back in cave woman times, that was a signal that some animal was probably dragging the baby away. So we are actually wired to be distracted. So we've got to work really hard at making sure that we stay on point, that we are, you know, turning off social media, that we are sticking to schedules in a very gentle, fun way. A lot of people say, oh, I just find myself getting so stressed when I've got to stick to a schedule. I hear you, but what I do is I actually build in a 50 minute hour. So I've got time to go and get that beautiful cup of tea in that lovely Japanese little teapot, little cast iron 1. Choose a great cup, choose a great place to sit, choose the Prokofiev track that I'm gonna play and then get into say, say, creating posts or calling people back, emailing people back, studying whatever it is I'm doing in that moment. So really a schedule is about making sure that you are progressing in your life and also that you're having the best time possible because for so many people. And I'm quite sure that Lorraine and Eliza will be able to relate to this, that what it is. By the way, if you're just joining us, Lorraine and Eliza are two women who wrote in about situations that they're now moving on from and into things. And when we have been through a difficult time, our entire nervous system is constantly trying to get our attention. We've been kicking off cortisol, which is a long term stress hormone, which enables us to get into fight or flight mode. But we've been producing too much of it and the feedback loop on that is broken. So basically the messages that say, okay, it's all calmed down now, you can stop kicking off this cortisol, you can stop firing the body up so much that becomes broken and it's just getting fired off all the time. Even if, you know a car door slams down the street, you're going to be all jumpy and twitchy. So we've got to start to recognize that another really important thing that we're doing as part of knowing that we are healing the places that got a little bit fractured, knowing that we're not long term broken, is to say I have the power to heal and to not see that as just some wishy washy dolphins and unicorns kind of thing. But a very, very practical thing of let me just check in right now where my shoulders are. Because for me, if my shoulders are up, my entire upper back is tense, my shoulders are down, my entire back is relaxed. And that then sends a signal to my system that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't need to be so on high alert, I can actually relax. And those tiny little things, when we take the time to design those into our day, even I have, with different clients, I have them set alarms to go off at various times throughout the day just to check in with their high tension areas. And for some people it's like in their thighs, Some people it's in their stomach, some people it's in their jaw. And you can often see that, you can often look at someone and notice where it is, they hold their tension. But doing that, that isn't just an extra. Doing that is a huge part of sending your body a message that we're doing this now, we're doing something different. And then in turn, the body sends messages back to the brain saying, yes, all is good. Because you could be unwittingly sending yourself messages of freak out ness, like, have you ever been in a situation I'm sure you have, where you just don't feel good? You feel like you got to fix something, something's got to be fixed, it's got to be fixed right now. And hey, it's my entire existence that's got to fixed right now. And really that's just because you're getting this false signal from your body. Because for so long there was a feeling of unsafety, There was so much that you felt needed to be fixed. So let's start to take care of ourselves in those ways. Particularly if you are coming out of any sort of relationship with toxic people, with people who you know to be narcissistic or with people who just perhaps they had a, just a very different style, perhaps they were had a quite a push style and you're more of a retreat kind of person. You're more gentle and they're more feisty. And it could be that that was just a little bit too much for you. I know when I was growing up, my sister was quite boisterous, very loud, very, very talkative and I was very, very gentle and I felt kind of squished a lot of the time. And it can take time to heal from that. But the great thing is when you do heal from that or when you start to heal from it and you start to look at what happened, you can then drop the resentment that we women do so well. What is resentment? We talked about this in another show. Show resentment is anger towards someone who you feel is more powerful than you. And if you manage to identify that you feel resentment a lot of the time, then you can say to yourself, right, how can I become more empowered? Because it might be that you have every reason and every right to be angry with another person. But it can be a sort of a fresh anger, it can be a healthier anger. It can be an anger that is just you making a very simple statement. You knowing that you don't have to put up with the kind of behavior that you put up with. Whether that is somebody stamping your time card incorrectly or whether that is somebody you know having a subtle put down in the form of a joke or you know, whatever it is that has made you feel powerless and less than in the past, that that doesn't have to happen from here on in. So here we're all about supporting women's well being. And your well being matters. And things can be turned around. And they can only be turned around when you stop telling yourself a story about you being less than and you start telling yourself the story that's much more correct, that is the truth. And that is that no matter what you've gone through, no matter what mistakes you've made in the past, no matter what you've been told about yourself and taught about yourself, you can not only turn that around, but you can also start to train other people to treat you differently. You can let other people know that, hey, you know what? I'm not a D list anymore. I'm a B list now. And I'm stepping into a list, whether that's in your money, your career, in your visibility, in your platform. And I just love it when I see women deciding that, you know what, I'm not settling for less. I'm not settling for being smaller. I'm no longer going to be all about just serving other people. And I'm going to redesign my life, sometimes radically redesign our lives. And we can do that. And maybe I'll tell you a couple of little stories about women who've done that right after these ads because I think you'll find this really inspiring and get some ideas and be able to find that hero that's right inside you. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's wellbeing and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Falguni Desai of Action Coach. Are you a business owner with more than five employees? Do you want to grow your business? I'm a London based business coach who helps small and medium sized businesses to grow and make a profit. I will help you identify the strengths and weaknesses in your business and then work with you to improve it using a structured framework. To find out more, contact me on 072-16-54640 and book your one hour complimentary one to one coaching session. Thank you. Hi, I'm Tracey Weeden of Brownhill Insurance Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal household high net worth. And you can contact us on 0208-658-4334 or visit our website www.brownhillgroup.co.uk for your free no obligation quotation at Brownhills. We've got you covered. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station It's Mothers. And if like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together with spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be Refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the executive director of Media Matters for Women Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo, and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org Women's radio station can give a voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience to you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life, and I listen, and together we transform everything. And welcome back to the last 15 minutes of the show. This is Judy Mae Murphy, international motivational speaker and success coach. I always feel that whenever I call myself that, it sounds just a little bit cheesy because we all have an idea about what we think. That is somebody that just stands there and goes, I did it. You can do it. Now buy my products. And frankly, there is a little bit of that in the game. But I really hope that you are understanding that I like to go very, very deep on exactly what is it that's going on? What is the mindset? What are the situations? Where can we meet this from? Where can we start to unravel, untangle this? Where can we start to knit it all back together? What is it that we can do so that we can start to get results very, very quickly? I promised you before the break that I was going to tell you a couple of stories about women who transformed things radically. And in fact, the person who comes to mind isn't a woman. It's my own dad. My dad found himself in a situation seven years ago ago where he was 71 years old and he had been widowed a few years. My mom passed away 12 years ago, and he was living in this great big house in the suburbs of Dublin, and he was retired and he was kind of getting up and reading his paper and, you know, sort of watching the news more and more each day, found new news shows that he was going to watch and sort of just did bits and pieces and really, you know, we Were all thinking that, you know, things were in decline. And we were starting to have conversations about who'd end up looking after him and would we have the conversation with him about him going into a home. And it happened even more so when he went and had a stroke. And the thing was then when he had the stroke, we all felt like, okay, now it's definitely kind of gonna. The next few years are gonna be years of decline or years of just keeping him comfortable. Wow. My dad had other plans, let me tell you. First thing was he got really angry with himself. Angry that he had allowed himself to get physically and mentally into that kind of a state where that could happen. That he' to put on weight, he had started to eat sugar. He hadn't really been exercising his mind either. He hadn't been really getting out there socially. And he radically transformed everything. They gave him about 45 minutes worth of exercises to do every day. He did them rather than just once a day, he did them twice a day. He also went out and he walked for an hour every day. He then made sure he was also on top of that, going to a class every day, like either a swimming class or even Zumba. Now, if you ever saw my dad, he particularly at the time was the man least likely in the world to go to Zumba. But he was really in that place of, I'm just doing whatever it takes, and that really is it. You got to get angry enough. Anger is an energy, as the sex pistol said. And we've got to really make sure that we are being angry and not just sad. Sadness is kind of a wallowing, and there's a time for that. It's a time for, am I okay? How can I protect myself? How can I look after myself? How can I really connect to that inner child who's hurt or that recent person who's hurt? How can I really connect to that? Anger is about a pushing outward. So we got to often get angry in order to make change. And if you weren't permitted to get angry or if you make statements like, in my house, we never got angry, or I'm just not good at it, I just don't go there. Well, we all do because it's self protective. So step number one is get angry. And that's what my dad did. And that is what allowed him to then go and take up all these different activities and do all these different things. And then when his health started, started to get a lot better, he started. And that was very. A very quick turnaround. He then started to get interested in other things. He ended up going away on a retreat. He's very religious man. He ended up going away on a retreat and he met the woman who he is now happily married to. And he also then sold the old family home, got another home, also moved to another part of the country as well, had to have a second home there. And suddenly he had this whole new life. Life, an entire new life, a new relationship, even started to do new work things to get back into his career, become interested in different ways in his career, started to learn different things and started to travel a lot more. He'd stopped traveling really. And he now is on the road half of the year going to all these amazing new places. If my dad can do that in his 70s. I don't mind what age you are, I don't mind what you've done, I don't mind what's happened to you in the past. That is just a wealth of knowledge and information and lessons. And very often those lessons are just along the lines of, well, now I know I definitely don't want this. Now I know I. One of my clients once was a medical doctor and she was just like, oh, I can't just, you know, abandon it. It's taken this much money and this many years of my life. And I'm like, well, maybe it took that for you to really wake up what you really wanted. And she left the medical establishment completely, let her license lapse and has no intention of going back to it. And she is now doing something completely different and loving it, thriving. I mean, just really living such an exciting life and interestingly healing even more people. I don't want to give too many details because I don't want to identify her. But you know, she really is healing in a way that she couldn't heal that many people if it was just her one to one working with people as a doctor. So let yourself know that no matter what has happened in the past, you can completely reinvent yourself, completely redesign yourself. And that will very quickly get rid of the idea that you're somehow broken or less than or whatever. Particularly when it comes to things like when we look at our bodies as women, we're very often judged for our bodies. They say that men have gaze and women are gazed at and we're really challenging that now. We're like, no, we're not here just to be looked at, we're here to present ourselves and we also get to look. And I think that the world is really changing in those ways. So I think now it's not a case that it would have been in the 1950s and 60s. I'm too fat. I'll never get a husband. That really was the thinking back then. I've recently been going through lots of little scrapbooks that my mother and grandmother kept, and that really was the way that it was sold to women in those eras. But these days, even though there's a bit of that still lingering, I think it's more like, well, what kind of body would I like to be in? Some women are choosing the leaner dancer, yogi kind of look and feel and way of being. Some women are choosing the more strong woman. You know, hardcore can do anything kind of way of being. A really great inspiration to me is a friend of mine, Michelle Guthrie, who is the strongest woman in Ireland officially. And she is just incredible. And you know, follow her on Instagram. Hey, follow me too while you're there. JudyMayMurphy But Michelle Guthrie is extraordinary. She just posts herself getting stronger and stronger every single day. And if you go back a few months, you'll be able to see Michelle having a day where it just wasn't coming together for her. She was, you know, she wasn't hitting her targets, it wasn't working. And then fast forward a few months and you see it where it has worked, where she's overcome that, where she's come out the other side, she's no longer injured, she's stronger than she was before she got injured. So let's just be stronger than we were before. Let's just make that our little mantra for today or for this week, that you're going to be stronger than you were before. Before. And what happens when we start to do this, when we start to say, yeah, you know what, I'm not weak and I'm not staying here. I'm deciding that there's somewhere better that I want to be. And we're not just getting back to where we were before, but we're going to come out even stronger. I find with the people that I coach one to one that what happens is that if they've had a disappointment, like suppose they've had a financial disappointment and the way Eliza did when her cafe didn't work out, her first cafe didn't work out. Hasten to add that you don't feel like, well, instead I'll just open a little coffee truck or something, if that is smaller, or I'll just do this, I'll just have deli deliveries. Trying to think that you went for the bigger thing. Now you've got to settle for a smaller thing. No, in fact, you get to more than replace what you had before. So perhaps the thing for Eliza to do would be to look into maybe setting up a cafe franchise and maybe starting out a franchise. And so when she opens up her new cafe, it's cafe number one of an entire franchise. That excites us, right? The idea of not just getting back what you had before, but in fact, having more. Imagine if we were thinking of it in terms of gold coins. Imagine if you had 50 gold coins and those were. Were stolen and you had to go out and you had to go door to door to door and search under people's floorboards and search behind people's cushions, and eventually you would. You knew that you would find your 50, you'd find your 50 pieces of gold, your 50 gold coins. Well, then you're not going to feel that good about it because you're feeling like, okay, I'm just doing all this work to get back to where I was before. Or imagine if you currently weigh, I don't know, 30 pounds more than you did at your ideal, and you say to yourself, well, I just want to lose 20. So at least it's not 30 pounds over. Not that I advocate looking at it that way, but just for the sake of illustration, well, it's not going to feel good to you to do that. But instead, if you say to yourself, you know what? I'm going to go out there, I'm not only going to find my 50 coins, but I'm in fact going to find 500 coins. Me going out there to find my 50 means I get my 50 back, and plus I get the extra again. Now you're on fire. Same thing for. Okay, I'm not just going to get back to my ideal weight. What was it when I was at my ideal weight? What was it that was my dream from there, if I was dreaming from that place, wow. It would have been to be utterly sculpted, or it would have been to run a tr. To do a triathlon, or it would have been to get skills, to be able to do a cartwheel, to be able to do the splits. I right now, every single day work on stretches to be able to do the splits. I have never been close to that. I never did gymnastics as a child. I never was particularly flexible. But you know what? It's going to happen one day. I'm working toward that. So make sure that you aren't just thinking about getting back into that safety zone. Make sure you're not just thinking about getting that safety being something that is ongoing. But make sure you're also knowing that while you're working on that, these things, you are building out the dream bigger and better than it ever was before. And remember that there are people who have done this. If you look at, you know, some people who disappeared for a very long time, hey, the band, the Specials haven't had a number one for what, 25 years or something? I don't know exactly how long it is, but I know it's a good couple of decades. And look at them, a couple of weeks ago, number one in the charts again. You can do this. You've got this. Look at Tiger Woods. Any of these things are really, really uplifting. And if they can do it, you can do it. You have absolutely got this and it's okay. And you know what, if you're looking for permission, here it is. But you don't need permission. You don't need my permission. You don't need anyone's permission. You have got this. You have the right to live your life on your terms. And here on Judy Mayer's Listening. I'm listening to what it is that's going on for you. And together we transform everything. And we'll see you again next week. Until then, stay organized. Awesome. Women's Radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalised service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078254, 4122 and Liz spelt lisazelmeartravel.co.uk I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity, helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crime crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk Let me tell you about Jermyn Street Theatre. This is a secret theatre in the heart of the West End. Once found, now forgotten. This is where careers ignite, where great actors perform just feet away from the audience. This is where magic happens. We would love you to join our mailing list or become a sponsor or just buy a ticket to one of our shows. The website is www.jermynstreettheatre.co.uk. you're listening to Women's radio station supporting women's wealth. Coming soon will be a host of new shows supporting all areas of your well being. Shows that you can get involved in. So stay tuned. Womensradiostation.com here for you.