Love Lessons LIVE SHOW – Overcoming Rejection & Getting Ready For Love, Mutual Attraction

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on women's radio station. Today I'm super excited to be welcoming Elle Wileman from Mutual Attraction Matchmaking into the dating Den of love here at Women's Radio station, because we are going to tackle the concept of rejection online dating burnout and ultimately get singles ready for finding love and meeting their match. So welcome to Elle. Thank you. Thank you very much for having me. The Dating Den. Oh, I'm a bit nervous. I know, it's a bit much, isn't it? A bit of an overstatement. This is what people must feel when they're on dates. What, the Dating Den? Yeah, well, that sort of, that apprehension of. No, actually, because it does sound a bit like Dragon's Den, like you're in the spotlight. Well, I feel like I'm on a pitch. You are not. So welcome to Elle. Elle is the head of Mutual Attraction Matchmaking here in Central London, helping singles or find and hopefully build a long lasting loving relationship. So if you remember, last week on the show we had Caroline Brealey, who was the founder of Mutual Attraction Matchmaking, who also set up the online Matchmakers training academy. So Elle and Caroline worked together helping busy single professionals who are very time poor but serious in their search for love in London. So there are a lot of reasons why people go to matchmakers predominantly is because they're time poor, but secondary to that is because they've had so many dates that have gone absolutely nowhere or they've been dating all the wrong people. Inevitably that can. Well, not inevitably, I hope not, but it can kind of bring around dating burnout. What do I mean by that, El? I think because online dating is so admin heavy and just dating in general, the time spent on your phone and thinking of witty one liners. And I think for Londoners, by the time they get home from work every day, you know, they've gone through their commute, they've been on a screen all day, the last thing they want to be doing is drumming up conversation. And with you online is on their phones, on all these dating apps. And then you've got the other problem of people don't really approach anymore. So meeting someone in a more organic setting is also very tricky. So it just means that you are literally, I guess, exploring every avenue to find someone. And with that I think you get exhausted because you're, you're so. So it's such a priority for people that they just get so het up on it and they put a lot of pressure on themselves. And with that, the enjoyment sort of fades. And burning dating burnout, as you so called it, can actually be a thing because suddenly they find themselves having tried anything and everything, it's not working and they get a little bit despondent. So there's this idea that they're consciously coupling, I guess they're going out and they're proactive in their search and hoping to find a partner. And they're on their apps, their, these, these platforms as well, online that aren't necessarily apps, but you know, different ways to find people essentially online. And they get to chatting. But it sounds like it can somewhat become a chore and not enjoying the process, is that right? Yeah, exactly that. And I know that a lot of our clients come to us because they've tried the online dating and they haven't enjoyed it or had any success from it. And I also think that the amount that people are talking online that then translate to actually meeting in face to face is so few that people think, well, what is this all about? The conversion rate. The conversion rate. I mean, you're not looking for a pen pal, are you? You've got plenty of those. I mean, all of us think how many God knows WhatsApp groups we have. Yes, I think I read a couple of years ago in a credible book, but I won't mention, which just in case I misquote it, that the conversion rate from chats to dates is less than 1%. That doesn't surprise me. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. And I think there we go. In terms of going back to the first sort of theme, dating burnout. Right. If you're talking to people all the time and yet all you want to do is get in front of them and have a fun date. I mean, it just. Yeah, you've got to try something else sometimes. Or do we really. Are we not just like chit chatting away and thinking that we really want to be in a couple, but actually just, you know, toeing the line, enjoying the chat, getting the hit of serotonin and you know, feeling good about ourselves because someone said, hey, hey, you're hot or. And actually, Sarah, that is such a good point. I think some people really enjoy it and if you enjoy it and you're good at it and you want to put the hours in, then go for it. But a lot of people, as you said, and especially our clients, they're time poor and they actually just quite frankly don't necessarily want all this online chat. They just want to be put in the same space as someone that, that they are seemingly compatible with and see if that spark is there. Yeah. And also it's, you know, if you don't want a pen pal, then go on a date. Like, you know, you have to kind of stand out from the crowd and just say, hey, when are we going on that date? Or, you know, are you going to ask me on a date? Or, you know, really put yourself out there. That might sound really forward, but, you know, if you're chatting to 10 people, maybe 15 people or a handful, it doesn't matter how many, chances are that they are too. And you really need to segregate yourself from those people that aren't so serious. If you are in fact serious. I guess. Yeah. Couldn't agree more. And that's the problem. You say that people that might be talking to 10 or 15 other people. We're so disposable, you know, it's scary. It is really scary. So I remember when I was dating, I actually banned WhatsApp from my dates because I just felt I didn't want to get into this trivial conversation of the next day, you know, oh, how's your head? Or what have you had for breakfast? All this sort of really mundane chat. I thought, no, do you know what, let's strip it back to basics. Let's just meet and have a really nice time. I don't really have any interest in talking to you in between. And if not, text me, because I think text you're composing them. You. I don't know that a lot more conscious and thought goes into it that they come across bit more funny, a little bit more thought through and, yeah, you're sort of hooked. It's not this continuous chain of nothingness, messages, nothingness. We've got enough friends for that. We've got enough friends. And now if you're doing that, you've got enough pen pals too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And so in your opinion then, Elle, how can we really cut back on the chit chat and how can we avoid this online dating or dating burnout where we're either chit chatting or meeting a lot of people who. Who aren't quite right for us? What do you reckon? I think the key thing is to be selective. I think you've got to be in the right head space when you go into dating and you've got to think of what is it that I really want and am I enjoying the process and kind of what's in it for me? I guess. And I think the minute you start falling in the trap of feeling exhausted, quite frankly, by the, by the whole dating game and find yourself not very positive by the whole thing, it will really reflect in how you are on your dates. And actually it may stop you from meeting someone really quite cool. I think the minute you are very relaxed, you're having fun and you're more sort of picky as to who you are going on these dates with. That's when you'll be really, you'll get really into it. And the most thing, the best thing that you could be is selective, but also very open minded. If you have those two things at play, I can't see where you could go far wrong. When you were chatting just a moment ago about being selective and avoiding that burnout and you said, you know, once you start to feel some sort of niggle or element of exhaustion, that you really should, you know, have a chat with yourself and get to grips with what it is and whether you should be actually, you know, in that process because you're not enjoying it. Essentially all I could think of was Charlotte from Sex and the City when she's like, I've been dating since I was 16. Where is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And I think, as you said, the question of sort of what, where, why, when, how. Everyone's asking these like, these questions themselves. Big questions. They are big questions. And again, that, I mean that, you know, adds to the burnout, doesn't it? Because we're constantly thinking, oh gosh, and so many question marks. But yeah, that's why it's good to actually just whittle it down, refine it and be selective. Well, in my opinion, online dating or the dating scene in general is an absolute minefield. And that is why we have so many experts coming in week in, week out, talking about love and taking our lessons and, you know, driving it forward to those who are searching for love. We've got so much to talk about. And why do you think it's a minefield? What does the modern day dating scene look like to you from your perspective? Because you're meeting so many singles and you hear a different story, positive, negative, or the reason why people are in their situation. Not that there is anything wrong with being single. If you're happy being single, but you're, you know, consciously searching for someone, that's fine. And we're not kind of, you know, saying boo boo to that. But if, if singles are finding it difficult and we know it's a minefield, why is it that way in the modern day dating world? I think we are in a. In a climate of lots of different things that play at once. I think the main factor is the. The sheer choice that we have out there. Too much comparison culture. And we are, you know, we're so exposed to information, things, places, just. Just general information at one point. And with that, it's quite a sort of. You get confused as to where you should be focusing your efforts. And I think with the modern dating sort of scene, you have to really. You have to just, I think, strip it back to basics. And what is wrong with being out there and smiling and engaging, you know, eye contact is so important. Drum up some conversation. Don't just get bogged down with everything that you feel you should be doing, I. E. Like focusing your efforts on chatting or this or online or, you know, even anything in that field. It's just about enjoying it. So as a quick recap, then, that wasn't very. No, no, it was. So just to round off. I think we all got a little bit lost there. No, because, you know, in a moment, we're gonna, after the break, talk about overcoming rejection and how rejection can play a really big part in how we feel if we're telling ourselves negative stories in the dating scene. On the dating scene today. So I just want to do a quick recap as to how to keep burnout, if that's how we're feeling, at bay, if we're online dating. So quick, like, free fire round, I guess. Top tips. Okay, three top tips. I'd say number one, as we spoke about, be selective. Yes. Number two, mix it up so it's fun for you and them. You know, make sure you're having fun. And three, just take your time and relax. Don't put any targets or anything in place because we're humans. It's love, it's dating. Life gets in the way and things can happen as a matter of instance. Yeah. So that sounds to me like, you know, be kind to yourself and manage your own expectations, and don't expect someone to bring everything that you're looking for to the table. Like, take it one step at a time. Yeah, exactly. Oh, gosh. So exciting to have you in. I am Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm here with Elle Wileman of Mutual attraction matchmaking agency in London. We're talking about overcoming rejection, getting ready for love, and avoiding online dating burnout. We'll be right back on women's radio station. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. This is women's radio station. You're listening to Agril Prize with Kitchen sink spirituality. It's Anna Kennedy talking all things autism and my guest today is Karen no. Welcome to future Classical Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. I listen to women's radio station, Women's radio station. We want to hear from you women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. 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We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org Women's radio station is a not for profit, community interest company. Supporting women women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, Head of Business Development at women's radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, Please contact me on 079-5637, 1483 or alternately zmomewomensradiostation.com. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons Live. This is a show where we talk about everything from dating, relationships to breakups, healing, heartbreak, starting over Again. And today I have the very best person for starting over again. We've got Elle from Mutual Attraction Matchmaking. Welcome back. Thank you very much. Super exciting to discover how to overcome online or dating burnout, which is a thing in the modern day dating scene today that we really want to tackle and strike off the list of, you know, how we feel, the negative stories that we tell ourselves and we want to move on to kind of riding the wave of rejection and overcoming the thoughts because they're not, you know, our thoughts are not actual facts, they're just feelings and things we think. And I want to talk about how being rejected and overcoming rejection by, you know, enduring a little bit of failure a bit more often unfortunately can kind of create resilience and a strength and a confidence within oneself so you can find love. Wowza. That's a lot of ground to cover. It's a lot of ground to cover. And obviously we won't be able to touch on everything but in general, what do you think about rejection and how we've got this fear of rejection today in dating? I think, yeah, I think as you said, we always, our brain only seems to be wired to remember the bad stories. You're so right. And I think a lot of us will, will have it. You know, it's sort of innate that, that, that feeling of only remembering what went wrong or what might go wrong or what might not happen or why they're not gonna like me and you know, I'm not good enough for them. And we've got this real self critical sort of switch in our brain and actually it's all about just turning it off because it literally is, it's hypothetical eventualities. You know, you're thinking of things that might not happen. So we have to tell ourselves that actually, you know, I am good enough and I'm sure they will like me because I can offer this, this, this, this, this. And it's just about having that positive relationship with yourself that's so important because without that you're never going to be able to attract the right person. And it's all about timing I think as well because if you're not in the right head space for going out and find, finding someone, it will soon become quite evident. And it's all about timing, feeling and being the best version of yourself and just ignoring what might have happened in the past. Because we can all play on things and sort of that past emotional ties that we have. And actually in order for us to create a really awesome future with someone potentially that could be Your life partner, you've got to leave that behind. I love how you say that with such excitement. It makes me excited about the possibilities for the, the listeners who are tuning in. And I think that social media and, you know, all these different dating apps and stuff, we can kind of see a snippet into somebody's life or we can go on a date and we only really get a snippet of who they are or what they want to bring to the table. And we can focus a lot about what we're bringing to the table rather than what they're bringing to the table. And very consciously judging ourselves, I guess. Yeah. How can we, how can we eliminate judgment on ourselves? By the comparison with social media and comparison on dates and just in general, how can we eliminate that? I think it's about. How do you eliminate that? Gosh, there was lots, I think a lot about self worth when I think about that. I was about to say it's about as. I just, I don't want. I'm worried that I'm repeating myself. But it's about the relationship you have with me yourself. And so therefore you've got to be in the right headspace and feel good about yourself. And a lot of what we do at mutual attraction with our clients, there's a, you know, there's hugely the sort of the coaching side of things we liked. So essential though, isn't it? It's so essential. And we sort of, we like to pride ourselves as sort of your best friend almost setting you up on a date. You know, we don't want to make it feel too like we're sort of fiddling or getting in the way, but we're there to make you feel really good and actually get you very excited about. About the person you're about to meet. And I think that's so important to have your sort of your confidence and mojo all intact. So you can go and you know, it's showtime when you're on a date and you don't want to be bringing any of, as I said, the negativity or past into it because it's all about the exciting future. And those that live in the past are depressed, those that live in the present are content, and those that live in the future are anxious. So just be mindful. That's so true. Just be mindful and be in the moment. Yeah, I would say that's the biggest factor to overcoming or eliminating any self doubt or rejection. Just let it go. Just delete, control, alt, delete, control, alt, delete. So I said earlier, and I'll say again that I'm a huge believer in failing faster, failing over again, so you can kind of get closer to reaching your goals. And what I mean by that, while it sounds quite negative on the surface, well, we can only learn about what we want by really accepting what we don't want. And that comes with, dare I say it, an awful lot of terrible dates. You have to go on those dates, you have to meet those people to be like, oh, actually I'm not willing to settle for that behavior, or I'm not willing to settle for a love less than I deserve. And going on all those dates that don't really serve you the way you want them to. I see it as a good thing. I mean, in the moment you don't really see it. You can only, I mean, hindsight is a beautiful thing. Go away from that date, take those lessons and then bring it forward with you. I mean, I don't know what you think about failure and whether I'm really over there emphasizing my thoughts, but no, I think that's absolute bang on. And every bad date makes for a good story, right? So at least you can always have, have that sort of armed with you when you go on a next date. Not that I'm advising you talk about your previous dates on your first date. But yeah, and I think that's why our clients value the service so much because they're not going out on loads of dates. You know, it's not a question of quality. Isn't it over quantity dates? Exactly that. And actually that's why they're here. They've had the burnout of It's a numbers game, come on, I've got to get out there, I've got to date X, Y and Z and three or four times a week and off we go and just being really unsatisfied with it all. Whereas, yeah, it's about, about being selective again, getting excited and making sure that you're in front of the right person. Well, I guess you're saving so much time because I can imagine, you know, if I was say a very busy single out there in London and wanted to find someone, I'd probably really only have my lunchtime to chat to those 15 people that we were talking about before and I might have a bit of life admin to do and you know, like you were saying as well when it comes to using apps and you know, again, not saying boo boo to them, like there are so many great apps out there and so many success stories, but you Know you really have to put in the dating admin. Yeah, you do, you really do. And be consistent. Yeah, of course, of course you do. And I think there is a lot to be said for taking that headache away. I think in life we forget how many different aspects of our life that we have sort of third party interventions. So you think about, you want to get your dream job, you might go to recruiter and you know they'll help you get some, some good interviews. If you've got a part on your body that you're looking to work on, you might look at getting a personal trainer or the list goes on. So actually your love life is seemingly the most important aspect of your life and hey, sometimes you need a fresh approach and third party intervention to help guide you along the way. Okay, so as a matchmaker and I guess you are really getting singles ready for love. You're like this, you know, you're a bit of a coach, you're a matchmaker and a dating expert. So how do you say reset someone's mindset if they feel crushed in confidence? They've had a lot of rejection and we've talked about self worth. What would be like a couple of things that you would say to them to get them out on that first date with mutual attraction? Well, it's about being excited. I think if you're not excited and looking forward to the journey ahead, it will show, it really will show, like physically. Yeah, you've just got to bring the energy and remain open minded. The minute you're sort of blinkered or you've got a very one dimensional outlook on what you think you want, I think that's when you could really miss out on something that you don't quite know, but it's sort of staring you right at the face. So it's important to remain open minded because then you will, you really won't be closing any doors. What would you say to those out there who really don't know how to communicate with singles online? Like there's a lot of chit chat and there's also a lot of negative communication that isn't really serving anyone and making them happy. What would you advise someone who is online dating and they're communicating with someone and they're not getting anywhere? I mean, what would you say? Give up? I would say that actually it's very difficult. Tone on online can be so misinterpreted and it's really important that you have you know that person because without knowing that person and understanding what their humor is, how dry they might be, how serious they might be or anything like that. It's really the minute you then bring it into an online forum, it's a very, very gray area because people just don't understand or they just. As I said, the tone is misinterpreted. And even worse is ghosting. Oh gosh. Where they just poof into thin air and you don't know where they've gone. And I think Houdini exiting the stage literally. And I think that's really talk about rejection or having self doubt or self worth and everything like that. When, when you're going on a date or speaking to these people and then you literally don't hear from them. Yes. What are you meant to feel? You're going to feel quite deflated and low thinking, where did I go wrong? What's going on? So I think that's really definitely something that Londoners are experiencing at the moment. And again, another reason why they're looking for a more targeted offline approach like a dating agency. I think it's so interesting. And one thing that I really picked up from you in that segment about, you know, overcoming rejection and online dating is kind of like setting your boundaries with it. You said earlier on in the show that, you know, when you were online dating there was absolutely no way you were going to get into that WhatsApp chit chat. It was absolutely not for you. And I found my partner now, but a couple of years ago was doing a bit of online dating. Thought I'd give it a good go and see what happened. And one thing I was super clear on with my boundary setting was that once I'd matched with someone and we'd agreed to go on a date, I would unmatch with them. Oh, okay. It was quite cutthroat, quite liberating. Quite liberating because I thought we've connected, we're going on a date. We've got the date in the diary. We're very clear as and when we're meeting each other. Why do we need to stalk each other's radius? Why do we need to see when they were next online chatting to someone else? If it's a match and it's meant to be, it will be. I'll see you on the date we've organized. I'll see you on the date that we've organized. So I think you set boundaries. Yours were different to mine and I think any singles out there who are not so sure how to become crystal clear with their own boundaries and they're getting a bit low with online dating. Just get clear, set your own boundaries, manage your expectations. Okay, so I'm here with Elle from Mutual Attraction and Love Lessons and Women's Radio Station and will be right back. Women's Radio Station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. 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Every little will help. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, Head of Business Development at Women's Radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-5637, 1483 or alternately zmomeomensradiostation.com. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. I'm here back with Elle Wileyman of Mutual Attraction Offline Matchmaking. And this time in this segment, sorry, we're going to be talking about starting over again in the search for love. So for those out there who have had a long term relationship, perhaps they have been married before and they've kind of got themselves into the right headspace. They're really ready to, to get themselves out there and find love, but they're really not so sure how to go about it. So we know, and with Caroline and Elle, we've talked about in this show and previous shows how matchmaking isn't quite for everyone and it is very selective and it's for those who are serious in their search and don't have time. But then there are people who would like to try different forms like, you know, singles events or online dating or apps. And Elle really knows her stuff. So Elle, what would you say for, let's say I'm a brand new single, been married for a long time and have not really dated. I mean, what would your advice be to a brand new single who's ready for love? And they're like, ah, don't know where to go, don't know what to do. Yeah. How should they think about where to swim and what ponds to swim in? Yeah. I think a lot of our clients arrive to us with different journeys and different stories to tell. You know, everyone's come, either they're starting out looking and they want to find someone because they haven't found that committed relationship before or they have been married before. So they've gone through all of it but sadly it's ended in divorce and they're ready to enter the dating scene again. You know, on and on and on. I think the main thing to focus on for clients now is that how different the dating landscape looks from perhaps when back when they were single. And that's a bit of a shock. So tell us about that. Well, they just, you know, as we spoke about earlier, they find it a minefield. And the likes of online dating or everything that's sort of coming with the likes of new terms that is ghosting and all of this, these new phenomenons they just. Dating dictionary. Yeah. Yeah. They just can't get their head around it. And it's a scary, it's a scary world to enter into when you've been so away from it for such a long time. So you spoke about people that might have been, got divorced and, you know, end up second time around looking for it. And they're ready and they're committed and they're wanting it and it's a priority, but they're just faced with a different climate and they think, wow, this is so different from when I was single. So then you have a bit of an educational process with them, you know, you tell them exactly. Well, no, actually, this is kind of the reality these days in terms of what should or shouldn't be done or what you think might have worked back then might just be a bit creepy now. For example, you know, tapping a girl on the shoulder in a bar and saying, hello, how are you? Perfectly normal. Ten years ago, even four years ago, a little bit alien now. And for the new wave of singletons, they would find that a little bit disconcerting. And it's just, yeah, it's getting to know each client, getting to know where their history or what their history entails and then really looking at where we can go forward with it. And I think that there is nothing wrong with standout ability. And while we are always afraid to stand out from the crowd, and I hear that, you know, people would rather be. This is awful, but true. Seen in a coffin then on a stage. Can you believe that? So standing out from the crowd is actually quite a foreign concept and people think that, you know, it's quite a scary idea. But actually, when it comes to dating, do things a little bit differently and don't be afraid to stand out of the crowd because you will have more success. And I think Elle is totally right about how, you know, singles are afraid to approach each other, even offer a drink these days or say hello, you know, on a train or wherever. And yeah, I think you'll have more success. I mean, those singles listening in that are about to try online dating for the first time in Forever or never, then you should listen back to another women's radio station episode where we interview Saskia Nelson, talking about branding yourself a professional and personal success. And she really teaches you about creating a profile to put yourself out there. Yeah, I was just. That leads on so nicely to what I was going to say because. So. Hey, Satya. So Saskia, the founder, they are our resident single dating photographers. We collaborate with them. Yeah, we do. With mutual attraction. So all of our clients have a photo shoot with them and I just think there is the importance of your dating profile in your photograph is so vital. To drumming up any conversation. I know it sounds terrible, but it is just the world that we live in, especially on the sphere of online. It's your shop window. You know, you need to look presentable, you need to look the best that you should look. And also our attention spans are lower than goldfish these days and so we need to be intrigued and that comes with a visual element. So, Elle, what would you say? So we've talked a little bit, mindset, we're all set, we're ready for love. We've gone, we've listened to Saskia's episode about hey Saturday and how to build a profile now. Got this gorgeous profile. I've got my bio, I'm feeling good. Then what do I do? How do I figure out what pools to swim in and where they are? Are you talking about online or in the field? What we do in terms of offline in general. So if I'm a single and I know that I want someone who is super active and fit physically, I mean, and is a busy professional, how do I segregate where those people swim? Like, you know, target my single audience? I guess. Yeah. And I think, I think this is what I mean about the dating landscape having changed because actually it's a lot harder to find yourself in these like organic situations where people drum up conversation because quite frankly they are just a little bit nervous or very sort of lacking confidence because they haven't. It's an alien thing to do nowadays. I think you've got to carry on having fun and do what you enjoy and, and you will then meet people through those different things. So if you enjoy running, go to a runner's club. If you enjoy wine, then why not go to a wine tasting evening, Throw yourself into these events, into these, as you said, pools of people where you think that there'll be a commonality and you're like minded because beautiful things could happen. And also when you're in a pool of people with similar interests, you're likely to find somebody with the same values as you in some sense. Yeah, I would certainly say you'll absolutely find common ground with them because you're there for one reason and that's for whatever you've turned up to. So yeah, at least then you've got the foundation to have a conversation. Okay, so say I'm out there irl in real life, I'm out there IRL and I'm at a singles event via a matchmaking firm or via a dating events firm or whatever. What do I do to navigate the room I mean, what would you do, Elle, if you were single, which she's not by the way, listeners, male or female, what would you do to really work that room and make the most of it? Like, would you arrive single as a singular. Not single, of course you'll be single, but as a solo or like with friends. And how would you work the room? I would. Okay, I'm gonna actually go into nonverbal communication here. I think that's even more important. I would stand tall and hold eye contact. I think we've lost the art of non verbally communicating. And everything starts with a conversation. So without the eye contact and without the cues to invite those people into having a conversation with you, it's just not gonna happen. You know, Londoners, we go through round in our day to day lives with our headphones in, looking down, phones out. You're never gonna stop someone and sort of unpick their headphone and go, oh, hi, how are you? It just, it won't happen. It will just seem so, so un. What's the word I'm looking for? So over the top for that kind of dialogue. But that's the dialogue that needs to take place for anything to then happen in terms of you having a conversation. So you need to invite the conversation. Look up, clock, eye contact, smile, hold yourself well and just, just be present and look like you are inviting conversation. Because without that, you are. Without, you know, unconsciously you are creating a lot of barriers and those barriers aren't broken these days because people will feel too awkward. And I think that what you were just saying is so apt. Like people are so plugged in. Yeah, they're so plugged in and they're using their Android, iPhone, whatever, as a safety net at any networking event, any business even going. Like people don't go to a restaurant on their own anymore for a glass of wine or a quick bite or whatever. No. And if they do, they've used their phone as a prop because they feel they need an armor. Yeah, they feel awkward. It's your prop, isn't it? It's, it's a safety net from singles. And that's the exact reason why you're putting yourself out there so often on dating apps. We're hiding behind our screens. Even when we're at dating events, we're hiding behind our screens. And social media, we're just seeing a snippet of people's lives and we're hiding behind the own snippet of our best parts, you know, and actually I spend a lot of my time in coffee shops or hotels or members clubs or various different venues around London, meeting single Londoners and when I am getting on with my day to day life and I'm sort of looking around because I'm actually one that really values the art of non verbal communication and sort of just on a human level interacting. And I noticed the older generation, they are far better at it and they will sit at a coffee shop with their coffee and sit there in confidence and just look up at the world. And the amount of people that I've ended up speaking to just because we've seen one another, it's quite extraordinary. And I think that that is. There's not enough going on at play for the younger generations. We're scared to lock eyes on the tube, on a train, in the streets. I was walking down Oxford street the other day, I kid you not, in rush hour. I was walking along, I was on a phone conversation and then I dropped off that conversation and I noticed there were thousands of people around me and it was silent. Yeah, yeah, it's scary. And I was like, oh my gosh, this is something as the apocalypse happen, I'm really not sure what's going on. Like people are not looking up at each other, they're not engaging, they're not flirting. I know I'm not expecting every retail shopper to be there flirting, schmoozing. Yeah, exactly. Whilst they're walking on Oxford Street. But actually in the realm of being in a bar or anywhere and if you are single and you want to meet someone, then actually you've got to flirt and you've got to use your eyes. Elle, I'm so excited that you're really just telling people if you're ready for love. Put yourself out there, be confident, put your best foot forward, engage, interact. Your body language speaks volumes. Absolutely. Just don't be closed off, don't be closed off, don't be closed. Oh, my gosh. So I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. This is Love Lessons live with Elle Wileyman of Mutual Attraction. And we'll be right back on Women's Radio station. Welcome to women's radio Station, the voice of women worldwide. This is Women's Radio Station. You're listening to Avril Price with Kitchen Sink Spirituality. It's Anna Kennedy talking all things autism. And my guest today is Karen no. Welcome to Future Class Woman Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's Radio station. I listen to women's radio station. Women's radio station. We want to hear from you women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, my name is Katie Young Gerald and I'm the founder of Bespoke Textiles and author of best selling book the Textile Touch. I've been working in luxury fashion and textiles for over 20 and I help brands design luxury bespoke uniforms to high end limited edition collections. We've been doing this for clients such as the Ivy Collection to Royal Households and we do it inside of a sustainable supply chain that saves waste. You can find us on bespoketextiles.co.uk. hi, my name is Julia Sturland. I'm a figurative painter in oil and watercolour. Please Visit my website juliasturland.com J U L I A S T E R L A N D or phone or text 079-865-63552 hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website at. Media Matters for Women Women's Radio Station is a not for profit, community interest company. Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, Head of Business Development at Women's Radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zm@womensradiostation.com. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live here at Women's radio station. I'm here with Elle Wileman joining me again. We've been talking about a lot of things. We've covered a lot of ground today. Everything from dating burnout, online dating burnout, the modern dating scene. We talked about fear of rejection. Yeah, fear of overcoming that rejection and kind of failing and failing again and learning, learning lessons, body language, mindset. We talked about starting over again and getting ready for love and Now I really want to cover the big day coming up. Valentine's Day. It's the month of love. So Valentine's Day is kind of. It's like Marmite, isn't it? We love it or we hate it. Couples feel like they need to forge a connection with their spouse or partner. Singles feel guilty for not finding their someone or for in fact, just being single because they choose to be single. Or some people just love it and they want hearts, flowers. If my boyfriend's listening, I'll take all of those. Hearts, flowers, chocolates, roses, whatever. So let's talk about surviving Valentine's Day as a single. How can we do it? Embrace it. Galentine's Day, I think. Yeah, just surround yourself with people that you love. So whether that. It doesn't even need to be in a romantic connection or a relationship. Just be with friends, family, anyone that makes you feel good and have fun and go and do all those things, you know, you can still eat chocolate, can't you? If you're not in a relationship, you can still have bubbles. You can still buy flowers. You can do everything. Why do you need to. Basically, don't sit watching Bridget Jones feeling sorry for yourself. Although Bridget Jones is quite classic, it's pretty good. It is a classic. Anyway, that's not the point. Embrace it. If you choose to dislike it, you are, in fact, you're making a choice. And you know, there's no need to be miserable. Valentine's Day or Galentine's Day, which is such an epic thing. Like you can really be a lover of it. As we were saying in the brain. Yeah, don't be a hater. Don't be a hater. You can get the girls together and enjoy Galentine's Day by going out for dinner, drinks, celebrating each other. Yeah, exactly. I was about to say exactly that. Girl power. Or just. Just, yeah, Celebrate one another, why don't you? This is just a random thought. You know, get a group of the girls together or guys, whoever, and chat about all of your successes in 20, 18 and 19. And don't talk about your own. You know, pick a different person to talk about their successes and their achievements. Because love doesn't define who we are. I mean, we find love. We're surrounded by love. It's not our everything. You know, there's so much more to us than just a relationship. I think it's also the month or certainly the day to just be bold, make some first moves. Oh, tell us about that. Well, even if you. If you want to share it with your Girlfriends do, you know, be selfish, do whatever you want and that will make you happy. But if you don't and you actually would quite like to go on a date or you would like to be treated, or it's one of those days where kind of, why not? Anything goes. It's that sort of commercial holiday of love and then actually just go for it, embrace it and get yourself a date. You know, make some. Make some moves. You'll be making a lot of dates, I guess, this Valentine's Day, knowing you. Absolutely, absolutely. I've got. Yeah, I've got a few in the pipeline that I need to set up, actually. Would you say that there's a lot of weight for people to go on a first date on Valentine's Day, though? Is there a pro and a con to that? Yeah, of course there is. And I think every guy will probably run a mile if a girl said, would you take me out for Valentine's Day? Have it. And it's the first date. I think it's a little bit full on, but actually, you know, 21st century and kind of anything goes now. I mean, you could just kind of win it. Why not give it a try? Yeah. You could wing it and say, fancy a date on Thursday? Yeah. And then go. I think it's c. I think that's the 14th. Yeah. Oh, it could be. I don't even know. Oh, is it Valentine? Oh, I had no idea. I had no plans. But hey, now I do Thursday works for me. Exactly. I love that. Yeah. Just be subtle. Yeah, be subtle. Be bold by putting yourself out there. But, you know, subtly suggest Thursday, not Valentine's Day. Okay, so a lot of singles do see Valentine's Day as an opportunity to put themselves back out there. I mean, what, what do you see as a matchmaker around Valentine's Day? Is there a surge or people, you know, staying away from you? And I mean, what's it look like? Do you know what? There's real seasonalities of dating. And actually in January, you've got everyone setting intentions. They're wanting to find love. It's a new year. And with that sort of the February, Valentine's comes into it as well. And then spring, summer is quite. It's quite busy. You know, people are really on their dating game. They're feeling good, the sun's out, they've got a. Of spring in their step. And then sort of mid, mid summer, it goes a little bit quiet again because people are away on holiday and they're doing various other things and they seem to be Everywhere but in London. And then you've sort of got that autumn where people are ready to get going again. They want to get. Well, I guess they want to get into relationship before the winter months come and then you see again that sort of thing. Season. It's so funny. It's so funny. So, yeah, January and February, winter, Valentine's Day, sort of. Well, it's not bang in the middle, but. Well, it is in February. You do see a bit of a surge. You do. Of course you do. So do you have. Because there will be so many people going out on first dates. You know, we just talked again about people, New Year, new year, new love, starting over again. Do you have any first date etiquette tips like how people should act and reduce nerves? I guess on a first date? Yeah, I think there's nothing like a little stiffener beforehand, maybe, maybe have just a little tipple. But it's really important to do not be the drunk date. Do not get it wrong. And people are very nervous. They've got adrenaline, they might not have eaten dinner. They probably haven't eaten dinner because it's probably after work drinks or something like that. So just be responsible with your drinking because no one wants someone slurring on the other side of them. So I would say have a drink, get in the mood, lighten up, but don't go past that point where actually you've lost your charm. I think be yourself, be polite and have sass, but still have class. Exactly. I like that. I like that. And bring energy. Bring energy to the date. So many people roll into dates thinking, oh, probably not gonna go anywhere. And here we go again. I'm going through the motions. You need to get. Again, it goes on what we were talking about earlier. You need to get out of that mindset, bring a new mindset, bring an energy and just see where it takes you. I'm going to share a story that I heard over brunch yesterday just because I feel like sharing it. So a friend of mine told me about his friend who got to chatting to someone on a train. And so they got to chatting, this. This guy and this woman on the train. And obviously there was some sort of spark. And then, you know, he'd said, I'm getting off at the next stop or in a couple of stops. And she had to then get off at the next stop coming. So he had to stay on the train a little bit longer. And neither of them plucked up the courage to share their contact details, which is something they so wanted to do. And what she did was she then drove to the station because she had her car where she was getting off the train to the stop that this gent had said that he was getting off and thought, if I see him, if he sees me and I get the train and there's no traffic, then it's meant to be. This happened just last week. So she did that when it was a very snowy week, as you know, I'm on the edge of the seat. And landed herself there. The train just pulled in. He got off. And she said, I know you might think I'm absolutely bonkers, but I really just wanted to share my contact details with you because it's rare that you get on with somebody in organic circumstances. And I just want to put myself out there. And he said, when you got off the train, I couldn't stop kicking myself thinking, why didn't I give him my contact details? And now they're dating. Do you know what? She sounds like my kind of girl. And I think there's needs to be more of this. And this will be such a good lesson learned for your listeners because just what have you got to lose? And all you'll have is the shoulda woulda, coulda, shoulda, woulda, coulda. And I just think it really sees the moment. Sees the moment because, you know, amazing things could happen. Yeah. And I think often, I mean, Love Lessons is a show where we talk about the trials and tribulations of dating. And, you know, I don't want it to all be doom and gloom because there are so many testimonials to finding love, maintaining a loving relationship out there that I think it's often really good to share the times where people are bold and they are brave and they do put themselves out there and it really reaps those romantic rewards. Oh, my gosh, so much all serration. Hey, Absolutely. Because as he said, he was kicking himself that he didn't ask. And if she didn't take the initiative to just go, and I mean, that is a good effort, get in the car, drive to the station. But hey, ho, life's too short. Why not embrace it? And she had said, you know, to him, had there have been traffic, had the weather have worsened and I couldn't have got to that station, then it wasn't meant to be. And I'm a huge believer of whatever's meant for you in life will never pass you by. And so when you have bad dating scenarios or you have that rejection online, or you have a relationship that, albeit, you know, two years, five years, 10 years and it doesn't work out well. A reason a season, a lifetime wasn't meant to be. And the best love's probably still waiting out there for you. The best is yet to come. The best is yet to come. So I'd really like to cap off this getting yourself ready for love, surviving Valentine's Day and becoming relationship ready segment with Elle Wileman. Let's talk about top three tips for putting yourself back out there this Valentine's Day. Quick fire round, right? Make a conscious effort to tell your friends that you're looking for love. So get the word out there, get everyone on board, be bold and make the first moves. As I said to you before, and what could the third one be? I would say join Mutual Attraction. I mean, if you've never thought about hiring a matchmaker, then maybe Valentine's Day is the actual time. We have had such a fun day. Elle and I have been sharing a lot of love and a lot of lessons today around London in King's Cross, St Pancras here in Covent Garden at women's radio station. And we're so excited to share with you lots of lessons that we have learned and that we've learned via our clients and in the dating industry as a whole. So if you are feeling rejected and you're feeling a bit down in the dumps about dating, then there are so many experts out there who are willing to share their knowledge with you and give you a bit of a boost, I guess. Yeah. And set you up on some dates, making sure that. Yeah. That you're out there and helping you find love. Be bold. Set yourself some, you know, some targets, I guess. Strategic boundaries. Yeah. Not targets. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Not targets. So this is Sarah Louise Ryan. This is Love Lessons. I have been here with Elle Wileyman of Mutual Attraction matchmaking agency in London. This is Love Lessons live. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I've loved it. It's been really, really good. And happy Valentine's Day when it comes on the 14th, everyone. Happy Valentine's Day from all of us at women's radio station. Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion, connecting women around the world in a global network. It's all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalised service. This happens from the moment that they enquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078254, 4122 and Liz spelt L I S at hazelmeretravel.co.uk I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. 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