Love Lesson – Rosie

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. Welcome to Love Lessons at women's radio station. Today. I'm here with Rosie and we're going to be talking about sexclusivity. We're going to be talking about the score on the bedroom door and what does it take to navigate the online dating scene? When you meet someone, how long do you wait to have sex? Are you having sex with one partner or numerous partners? How to navigate the modern day dating scene. Should we be waiting like times old or is it times new? So we're going to be talking all about navigating the love scene online and taking it offline and into the bedroom. Welcome, Rosie. Hello. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Tell us a little bit about yourself. So I'm 27. I'm a student at a drama school studying theatre and educational theatre and also playwriting. Just start my own theatre company, working with a lot of women writers and yeah, that's about it so far. That is so exciting. You know, at women's radio station, sex off the table just for a moment or on the table later. It doesn't matter what we say about that. That's amazing what you do. You are empowering women and that's what we're all about here at women's radio station. And so why don't you tell us a little bit about online dating. First and foremost though, how long have you been single? Okay, so I have been single for about six months now after a four year relationship. I have been very frequent dater, about kind of three dates a week at the moment. I was just about to say frequent is relative. How many? Yes, how many frequent? I had about three last week, so. Oh my God, you must be exhausted. I am. It is exhausting. Needless to say, you are proactively searching for love or is it love? Yes, I think so. Yeah. At the beginning I wasn't too sure, but now I'm. Yeah, I think I'm ready to kind of settle down again. Okay, perfect. So tell me, what were the first steps to starting your search for love online? How did you go about selecting the apps that you were choosing to use? I think with the age group that I'm in, I think Tinder and Bumble are kind of the main ones that we kind of use. And yeah, so I thought I'll get back on that. I used them before so I thought why not give it another go? Okay, so Tinder and Bumble are the two apps that you went for. Okay, so a couple of questions. Tinder, there are so many success stories. But it does also have a potential reputation for a hookup culture as well as those falling in love. What are your findings on Tinder so far? Yeah, it's interesting. There has been some really great dates, but there's also been some very kind of alarming kind of messages that you get that aren't quite derogatory. And. Yeah, and, yeah, quite some scary situations that I've ended up in. But offline or do you mean with communication online? Well, on the dates and also communicating online. Interesting you should say that because one of our producers, Natalie, on her Instagram page, she always shouts out to the world about, you know, the first messages that she receives online dating, particularly with different apps, and how sometimes she can feel a little bit degraded or whatever, not schmoozed and not like taken offline in a. Not wanting to take it offline with someone that's communicating with her. So I hear you on that loud and clear. Okay, so positively, let's move on to Bumble. And I've got a question. I hear a lot that women feel more in control on Bumble. Do you feel that that is the case for you? I would say about this, they're equal. Really. I think the only thing is that the woman messages first, which was great for a little while, but then you think, why do we have to make the first. I mean, I don't know, but yeah, I don't really know if there's any difference at all. Do you think when the conversation gets starting, I think it always ends up going in the same kind of direction. Do you think that the conversion rate, dare I say it, it sounds a bit. Sounds a bit tangible for dating from matches to conversations to then dates is higher on Bumble than any other app. Or higher. Higher on Tinder or more so, like what, what do you think? I'd say Tinder. I end up getting more dates from Tinder than I do on Bumble. Oh, I see. I feel like on Bumble, it kind of. They falls off the wagon a little bit. Like conversation just kind of diminishes into nothing. It's the question of is it quality versus quantity? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Okay, so that covered, we know what apps you're using and we know that you're going on about three dates a week. Oh, my gosh. I can't even comprehend that. Any particular days that you. You utilize that are allocated. Because I'm a student, I have a lot of free time on my hands at the moment because I'm. I'm on my break but yeah, but I really enjoy talking to the opposite sex, whether that be in like a friendship way or you know, a romantic way. So it's nice meeting new people. Do you think online dating is a tool to aid how much of a social butterfly you may be? Potentially, yeah. And I like a drink, so, you know, I've got someone to go with. Then there's always a need to stay hydrated. Yes, exactly. Okay, so online dating, busy doing that. Why don't you tell us firstly about one amazing date that you have had of late. Oh, maybe a while ago. One amazing date. Weirdly enough, I kind of met someone that used to go to the school I go to now. So we had that in common. And so this. Oh, I don't know how to explain this really. He's an actor and normally that's something that I steer very clear from is actors, but really sweet guy. Hold up. Yeah. Any particular reason or with what? With actors you can't just throw down a statement like that and not give us some backup from past experiences. I haven't. I feel like they've been quite self indulgent people. Oh, that sounds bad, doesn't it? But it's your experience, you're allowed to share that. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I can't always get a word in edgeways when I've met, when I've been on dates with actors. Well, creators have just got so much to say. I know it is true. And like maybe I'm, you know, I'm one of those people. But it's also they're very busy people as well and theatre takes up a lot of their time and the particular route I'm going down is not, not as full on. So there's always time for love though, isn't there? I feel like there is always time for love. There is. Okay, so tell us about your great date with the actor. I think he, like, he was not what I was expecting to be. He was like a very kind, genuine guy and basically we went on about seven days in total. So it was going. Yeah, so we did quite a lot of things, things together. You know, it became quite full on early on, which was really, really nice. Especially when you're kind of recently single. I think it's nice to kind of feel like secure in something and be looked after a bit. But in terms of dating, it was just kind of going for drinks, going for dinner. So I haven't really got like a really interesting good story. I've got more bad than good. Oh, so okay with the Actor, then your seven dates in actor. Yeah, it sounds like because you were just drinking and eating and socializing together that it was more about a connection than an actual physical date that you went on. Yeah, there was no, like. Yeah, it was more like accumulation of dates that ended up me liking him. Oh, my goodness, that's amazing. I don't feel like it ends somewhere amazing. Well, I think because it was so full on really early on, I think we kind of got a bit bored of each other. Are you whirlwinded? Yeah. Oh, shame. It was. It was a whirlwind. Slow burners are always the best, Rosie. Yeah, I know. Okay, what happened on your first date? What did you do? Where did you go? First date. God, there's been so many dates. I'm, like, trying to remember this. No, you have to remember this. Okay. If he was that great. Oh, my goodness. I think we just met in a bar. Oh, yeah, we met in a pub near my house. Very low key. Yeah. And also too close. Too close to home, which makes it easier to bring him back. Whoopsie. Whoops. Okay, a couple of questions then. Well, we are talking about sex today. Sexclusivity, and the score on the bedroom door. So it makes sense that you would bring that up. Why don't you tell me? Because the connection was so great with the actor. What were the three great things that made you feel so connected to this individual? Engaging conversation, flirtation. But not. Not crass flirtation or kind of overly, like, overly sexual. Too soon. But you could tell that there was that sexual attraction. Yeah, just good kind of contact, like eye contact. I think that's really important. Body language. Body language is a massive thing for me because there's nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in someone's presence. Like, especially when you're online dating, meeting someone new. Okay, so speaking of the actor, how long did you guys wait to do the deed? The intimate deed? If you did do the intimate deed. Yes, we did do the intimate deed. I've never heard that, but yeah, the first date. Oh, my goodness. No slow burning there, Rose. There was no. No slow burning there. No, this is without judgment and from a neutral space for love lessons and all of the listeners. Oh, thank you. Totally. But I would really love to know, what was it about this person that made you wanted to get intimate and physical so soon? And further to that, is that. Is that okay? Is that something like, is sex okay, like, to do on the first date? Do you have rules and regulations? I don't have rules and regulations when it comes to having sex with someone. If you feel like that's what you want to do, then I think you should do it. But life's too short. Yeah, exactly. But I think, I do think now come if you want to get into a long term relationship with someone. I do think, I mean for me personally, like, I think for women, if you have sex with a guy then I think there's a. I don't know how to describe it, but guys get, I think get put off if you put out in the first place because do you feel. And I can hold my hands up and say I certainly do feel. But of course want your opinion that it is quite taboo not to go with the rules and regulations of the third date rule. Do you think that despite the modern dating times, the third date rule still stands and beyond? I think so, yeah. Wow. Yeah, we're moving forward so quickly, but yet when it comes to sex we're still at a sticking point. Yeah, I think if you don't see something going somewhere, then why the hell not like go for it. But if you want, if, if you really like someone, you should wait. Oh really? You think you should wait? How long? How long? I don't know, maybe like. Yeah, three days, Four days. No, not four dates. Four days. Yeah, just four days. That's right. Made a boo boo on the taboo. Yeah, dates. Four dates. Four dates. Okay, well actually I'll share with you that I in my single time made somebody that I was dating wait three months and we're not married, we didn't continue on. So actually I don't think that waiting is as important as it used to be. So what I would say is that sexclusivity is something we're gonna move on to. And also the fact that you're sharing that, moving in quickly could suggest that, you know, there is a connection that's physical but not emotional. Maybe you're saving yourself a bit of time. There's so many things that we can talk about. So. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan, I'm with Rosie, a single. She's 27, by the way, in London and we are presenting Love Lessons and Sexclusivity. Hi, I'm Sarah Austin and I'm the founder of the really Helpful Club, an online and offline community that helps supports and connects thousands of women in our personal and business lives. We are buzzing. Join us to share and discover your best ideas. Come to our events to meet other members and learn something. New book now for our London workshop on 10 May, helping you prepare for and manage The Menopause membership is free. Join now by visiting reallyhelpfulclub.com Please also find us on thewomensradiostation.com hi, I'm Ekaterina Brehova, Head of Conference Production City and Financial Global and I want to tell you about our vote 100 Women in Business Summit at the Royal Garden Hotel on 17th of April. Opened by Her Royal Highness the Countess of Wessex. It will be a great day full of useful content and amazing networking opportunities. 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Our club members enjoy great food, fun and inspiring speakers whilst making friends in a room of all generations. If you're a social butterfly in the community, this fast growing franchise could be for you. If you would like to know more about stepping into our pink shoes, then look at the business opportunity page on our website live laughloveloveladies Club. Also at Women's Radio station. Women's Radio Station can give a voice to your brand. With a wide range of speakers, sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience to you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com hi guys. Sarah Louise Ryan. Jumping back into love lessons. I'm here again with Rosie and we're talking about sex. Talking about sexclusivity and the score on the door in the bedroom when you're dating someone brand new. So, Rosie, we were just talking a moment ago about how long you should wait having sex with someone new. Is it a first date? And then I shared that I waited for three months with somebody brand new. And then just when we were offline a second ago or off the airways, we actually started to delve into it and then we paused and we thought, oh gosh, no, everybody really needs to know what we're talking about. So to add a bit of context to my story, and then we'll move on to Rosie's story, is that I had come out of a seven year relationship and started dating someone brand spanking new, who I thought seemed wonderful. And there's that old chestnut of rebounding and moving on to someone and diving under the bed, you know, the bedroom sheets and the duvet with someone new just to fill a void and whatever. And because I thought this guy was actually wonderful. I didn't want him to be a sexual comfort blanket to a relationship that had passed. And so I thought that to do him justice and what we might have justice, I would make him wait the three months to see whether we had the tenacity to run the course together. And we did. We dated for a year. Inevitably it didn't work out because our long term goals differed. But we're still friends and we liked each other. So actually for us, me and my ex partner, waiting those three months was the right thing to do. But then we were talking about breakups and diving into dating and sex with someone new. When is the right time to wait? And so I shared my story and I think waiting is always better because, you know, you could be filling a void for sure. It's like, you know, physical proximity kind of feels an emotional closeness with, you know, with someone new as well. So what do you think, Rosie, about, about that and what happened after your breakup? Let's share that. Okay. So I was with my partner for four years, but about two years into our relationship, sex had really kind of diminished and we weren't really having it really. Not because I didn't want to, but more that it just, it wasn't happening and I didn't really understand why and always had that conversation. But he was very kind of like, no, this is, you know, what a relationship is, you know, which is mad, like madness to me because, you know, that's, it's in our nature to be sexual beings. Well, I think. And yeah, so when I ended our four year relationship, I kind of wanted to feel kind of sexy again and, you know, get my mojo back a bit. So for me it was, it was quite an instant thing to kind of, that sounds bad to kind of go out looking for it, but I, I wanted, yeah, I think I just wanted to feel like that again. And actually I think it's a really important point that you bring up because lack of, or loss of libido can come up in so many relationships and it's one of the key factors that can lead to a relationship with breakdown and thus being single again. And so actually, you know, we're, we're paving a path to talk about, you know, sex and dating again and why relationships can break down. So I think it's really important that you share that and also to share that. I think it's really important that you're sharing with us about how the lack of sex and intimacy caused you to feel what, you know, would you say a lack of self esteem or confidence? Yeah, I think so, definitely. I mean, he was such a lovely guy and always very complimentary of me. But, you know, sometimes words don't count for everything. You need to, you need to show that, that kind of compassion and love for someone. Would you say that you need to absolutely. Fancy the pants I think you're dating? I think you really do. Yeah, yeah. You want to rip their clothes off, don't you? Yeah. And it's. Yeah, I don't think it was really there after two years. Yeah. And that's. That, you know, that's a fair thing to share and you're not doing it any injustice by sharing that with us because I bet there are so many listeners out there who are in relationships or have been in a relationship where they've experienced a loss of libido. And, you know, we're really here to empower women in their dating and relationships and their personal lives. And so sharing these things can only show that we're not alone. And I've been there. I mean, what would you say if you had to say, and I'm going to put out a survey monkey, everyone listening in about, you know, what is the average amount of times per month in a relationship you think that a couple should be having sex or were you having sex? And if you'd like to share that with us. Sorry, can you ask that question again? Sorry, that was a lot of questions. That was a lot in one question. What do you think the average amount of times per month a couple in a healthy sexual relationship should be having sex is? I think you should be doing it about four times a week. I do. We hear you, Rosie. Seriously? Yeah. Okay, well, from my experience in my gatherings, and we'll start the gatherings again on the survey monkey. But normally I've heard, and I haven't got strong stats on it and will gather them, but two to three times a month is the, the average for a couple to have sex. What do you think about that? Oh, I. Bonkers. I think it's bonkers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not having it enough, would you say? Yeah, yeah. I think I, you know, personally, as a, you know, a dating person and matchmaker and advocate for love, I really do feel that physical closeness really equates also to emotional closeness. And so I hear you and it makes sense. So you went out into the dating world after your breakup and you just wanted to get physical. I did. You did? I wanted to get physical, yeah. Okay, so let's talk about, you know, sexclusivity. What I mean by that is. Okay, question number one. Is it okay for singles today in this modern world to be having sex with more than one partner at any one time? What do you think, Rosie? Yeah, I mean, if. If there's nothing. I don't know, I think if you really, really like someone, you won't be having sex with other people. But if you haven't found that person, then, then why not? As long as you're being safe. Yeah. Stay safe, people. I hear what she's saying and I concur. Yeah, but I think why not? And also so does that, that's that awkward conversation when you're dating someone new, you're online dating, whatever, offline dating, you meet someone, you have the exclusivity in dating conversation. But do you think sexclusivity is a separate conversation to be had? You know, you might not be dating other people, but are you, you know, intimate with other people too? What do you think? Yeah, I think. I think that discussion has to. Has to be had. But I think, you know, that naturally, like that. Naturally that conversation will occur. Yeah, but does it naturally occur, really, that conversate that conversation? Does it naturally occur? I think in my experiences so far it has, but maybe that's me pushing it. The extrovert. And you. Maybe, maybe men have little bit of a different mindset to me, but yeah. Okay. And another question. Do you think that wanting to rip someone's clothes off quite early on is a healthy gauge of how compatible you are or how connected to them you feel or. Or both? Both. Oh, really? Yeah, I think so. I think if it's not working in the bedroom, realistically, it's not going to work due to my previous relationship, I think it's not going to work. Okay, last but not least, in the questioning of the score on the door in the bedroom, what learning did you take, if any, from your jumping under the duvet with the dashing actor? What did I learn? What did you learn? Can you give us a handful of learnings if there's more than one? Well, in the bedroom, yeah. What did you learn from that experience? I learned that you get to know your body a little bit more, what works and what doesn't. And also that there are very, very different men out there and different techniques that I've never seen before in my entire life until now. But yeah, I learn a lot about myself and what I like. And would you say that you feel more empowered by sharing and doing and being and learning? Yes, as a woman out there single and dating? Yeah, I do. Amazing that is what we love to hear. Thank you so much for joining us Rosie. I've loved talking about sex with you and I think what you were mentioning in the latter end of that conversation is for a different show. All of those techniques. Yeah. Big love from us. Love Lessons. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and catch you next time. Women's radio station will give a voice to your brand. 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