Mother’s Hour With Carolyn Van Beers – Mum’s Stress Sorted

Hello and a big warm welcome to this week's Mother's Hour with me, Carolyn Van Beers here on women's radio station. This week we are talking about stress and hopefully finding ways that us mums can manage our stress a little bit better. Stress is a big one. 80% of us have suffered from stress with a whopping 74% of us having felt so stressed that they've been overwhelmed or unable to cope. Those are really high stats. Stress does affect us in many, many ways, our mind, our body, and can cause us to gain weight, break down families and even bring on a host of chronic diseases. It's serious. So let's talk about this. This is Mother's Hour. Mum's stress sorted and helping all this happen is courtesy of my very special guest in the studio today, it's stress and anxiety specialist, Dr. Gail Sharman. Hello and thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you, Carolyn. It's really great to be here and I'm really happy to support such a worthwhile show. Oh, thank you so much. Now, before you go on, I must just mention your amazing qualifications. So this is Dr. Gail, ladies and gentlemen. Dr. Gayle has her careers as both a qualified doctor and a lawyer. She's a certified life coach and NLP practitioner and is additionally trained in resilience coaching, mindfulness acceptance and commitment therapy. Wow, you're definitely the lady to talk to. We are in very safe hands here. So, yes, welcome to the show. Thank you. Before we get into stress because it's a huge, huge subject, let's have a little bit about you. Who is Dr. Gail? Well, Carolyn, as you know, I'm married with two kids. They're aged nine and 11. We now live in North West London. But I started off being a mum in Hong Kong where the kids were born and I lived there for five years. And since being back in the uk, I've been building my practice alongside doing all the school runs and generally being consumed with all the kids related stuff. So juggling home and work life, quite a stressful life. Pretty busy to say the least. Yes. Okay. My goodness me. So you are a stress and anxiety specialist. So tell me about the work that you do and why have you focused on treating stress? Well, I basically love to help people be as happy and calm as they can. So in a nutshell, I help them cope with their hectic lives to avoid burnout, which is quite a serious concern these days. And so I work with these busy people to control their stress and anxiety levels by focusing on their body and Also their mind. So I help them create a lifestyle that supports their health, their energy, and their overall morale, alongside addressing any underlying emotional issues. And the great news is they do often report feeling calmer, with more energy, they're sleeping better, and they have an optimistic outlook, all within a matter of weeks. Wow. You know, I must interject here. So Gail and I actually know each other. We go way, way, way back. In fact, you came to my wedding. I did. I came to yours as well. But you know what, even back then when you were just trained as a doctor, you were always a great listener and you were always helping people. So you've just literally made this now your career. Yes, yes, I do love doing the work that I do. And I think also having had both those high pressured careers as a doctor and a lawyer, that is high pressured jobs. I do know all too well the strains that that can put on you. And I've also experienced stressful times in my life, and I realized that I was handling those pretty well. So I wanted to help other people who have stressful times, which is why I moved on to qualify as a life coach and then an NLP practitioner. And then finally as a mother of two kids, I'm obviously very, very aware of the pressures placed on us mothers. Really? Yeah. Particularly when there's specific challenges faced. So as an example, my son has dyspraxia, and that's fed into all sorts of issues for him, the poor fellow at school. And it's been very consuming emotionally and in terms of time. Yep, yep, yep. Well, as we discussed earlier, a, my son also has dyspraxia, and I didn't deal with it particularly well. I got very stressed out, I think mainly because I felt so helpless. And I also felt inadequate, like I couldn't. I didn't know how to help him. I mean, have you found ways that you've coped with that or how have you coped with that? Well, I think getting a diagnosis like that can always be a bit alarming, particularly as we don't all have the information about things like dyspraxia isn't readily available. Even at medical school. I don't recall learning anything about dyspraxia. So education was key for me, teaching myself as much about it as I could, which enabled me to then share what I'd learned with my son's teachers. So they also knew how best to support him. And, you know, in our house, we focus on how cool it is to have something like dyspraxia. And being a Bit different. So my son is very proud of his dyspraxia. And in fact, I read very recently in an article, it highlighted how being neurodiverse, which is the umbrella term covering challenges such as dyspr and dyslexia and adhd, how that can actually give you a competitive advantage out in the real world with certain companies, especially actually in the creative industries, actively seeking to employ people like our sons. So there's a lot of good there. There is. And also, you know, my son Hay has a wonderful talent and I've got three other children and they, you know, he loves singing, basically, and he's just amazing. And he gets up there and I go, wow, how can he do that? You know, it's just such a gift. So, yes, it's wonderful to bring out those other gifts that he has. We digress. Yes, it's all good stuff. Yes, yes. So what exactly is stress and are, as mums, the most stressed of all? Well, stress is basically your body's way of responding to a demand or a threat. And when it's too much for us to comfortably cope with, it results in feelings of emotional or physical tension. So we get aches and pains and in particular, we feel really low in energy. Now, stress isn't all bad. It can be positive and necessary, like giving you the focus and the push that you need to get out of the door in time for the school run. But when it lasts a long time, so you've already dropped the kids off and you're still feeling really stressed, and it starts to accumulate beyond our coping abilities, we're not getting enough of a chance to adequately recover. It can harm both our physical and emotional health. And so the thing is, with stress is everybody reacts differently. So I actually don't think you can identify a particular group of people who are most at risk. Yes, the demands placed on us mums, with all the multitasking required can be a challenge. But some people thrive, you know, juggling many balls. So for one mom with six screaming children, sitting around the dinner table throwing food, she's loving it. It's complete joy. My life, I'm not sure that would be me. And for another mum with just one slightly boisterous child at home, it can be way too much. And that's also fine. No one should in any way be judged because we are all different. And I really can't emphasize that enough. I mean, I think, you know, I see that not one particular group can ever be, you know, a word, more stressed out than you, but I do Notice. So my husband, he goes out to work, that's all quite stressful, but the rest of his life, you know, I try and make as unstressful as I can, and yet I'm juggling work, the kids, the home, you know, so I just think my load is bigger and that can cause that accumulation that you're talking about to make it greater. And I think we are going to touch on all of those things today as we go through the program, looking at stress and how we can manage it. We're going to look at kids, managing the kids, we're going to look at partners, and we're also going to look at the home. So we now know what stress is. When is stress a real danger to us? Well, simply put, chronic stress, I mean, starting with our minds, it can predispose us to all mental health conditions, including anxiety and depression. At its most extreme, it has the ability to change our brain size, structure and function. So classically, our memory will be affected as well as our mood. So, you know when you're trying to find your keys and you're really hassled and stressed, trying to get out of the house and they're right in front of you, you know, your whole. Your brain's just not working properly and you just can't see what's going on, you can't remember where you put anything. And it also has the effect of ruining our sleep. When we're very stressed, we don't sleep properly, our appetite is affected, sometimes we eat more, sometimes we eat less and obviously the libido goes out of the window. So certainly for the mind, it's pretty damaging. And to move on to the body. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Sorry. How does it impact our body? Well, chronic stress is really bad for all our physical health. In fact, as you alluded to earlier, we're living in the middle of a stress epidemic. And I see this all the time with my clients, many of whom are suffering with physical ailments too. So you quoted the figure. Up to 80% of all GP consultations are thought to be related to stress. It contributes to the development of obesity, cardiovascular disease, strokes, diabetes. It's been implicated in Alzheimer's and certain cancers. And it really messes around with our hormones and is a key player in menstrual irregularities and can also exacerbate menopausal symptoms. And these are all tested, you can actually see that stress has led to all of these things? Yes, you can measure it in the blood. And as an example, I had a client, she had unexplained secondary infertility. She was very stressed whilst trying for her second child and then of course each month of not being successful getting pregnant that was causing her to be additionally stressed. So she was in a catch 22 situation and you know, she wasn't leading the healthiest lifestyle either. So we made some changes there and we talked at length about everything that was on her mind and as her stress levels lowered, she fell pregnant naturally within a few months. It was wonderful. Wow, that's a great story then. And she did get pregnant. She did. And she was about to go for ivf and she didn't go for IVF in the end. She didn't need to. There you go. I mean, that is incredible. We're going to talk more about this in a few minutes. We're going to go to a very, very short break, but we are going to concentrate on you mums and the kind of stresses that we are feeling every day and ways that we can possibly cope with those stresses. Don't forget, if you ever want to get in touch with us, you know that we talk about anything that you have any questions about, you can Contact me. It's CarolineMensradeStation.com that's Caroline. WomenSradeStation.com Just time for a quick cup of tea and we'll be back after these short messages. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. 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To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org you're listening to Women's Radio Stations supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio Station, that's Womens Radio STN or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome back to Mother's Hour with me, Carolyn Van Beers here on Women's Radio Station. We're talking all about stress today and we have women. Wonderful guest in the studio with us is Dr. Gail Sharman. She's an anxiety and stress specialist with more qualifications than we could shake a stick at. So thank you for that. I do feel like we're in very good hands and it is actually really revealing what you were saying. In fact, we were just talking about before the break how stress can actually make you put on weight. And that's very interesting because we did a program last week on weight loss after pregnancy and we had a nutritionist, Gabriell Espinosa, and she said that stress contributes to weight gain as it raises our cortisol levels and leaves us craving for sugary foods. Do you agree with that? Yes, I definitely do. I mean, what the higher cortisol levels actually do is we start to pile on that stubborn fat around our middle as a source of fuel that as we get older, we find more tricky to get rid of, and we get wobblier and fatter by the day. And high cortisol levels lead to insulin resistance, which means that we can't regulate our sugar so well, and that makes us even more prone to putting on weight. And that figure change, I mean, that is definitely something that I've seen more in the last, say, 10, 15 years. You know, people carrying a lot of weight around their tummies. And that could be the cortisol. Yes, it can be cortisol. And obviously the hormonal changes as we get older. So what I actually do find with my clients who come to me with stress as their main concern, a byproduct of going through the strategies I suggest, as well as having more energy and sleeping better, they often lose weight. As an added bonus, the ones that need to lose weight so, you know, they end up pleasantly surprised. When can I have my first appointment? No, that's great. But that makes total sense. That as well as feeling better, as well as de stressing, they're actually losing weight. Yes. And there's a lot of, as we talked about in this show, about weight loss, there's so much emotional eating going on. There's so much stress eating going on, habitual eating. It's all related. It's all in that same bubble, isn't it? It is grabbing food kind of when you don't really need it. You just need to calm down, you know, go for a walk or something. Yeah, absolutely. So I thought in this part we would talk about there's stresses that kind of affect us mums. But what is your approach to treating stress? Well, from the outset, what I want to say is that the most powerful understanding to have is that no particular situation we may find ourselves in actually has the power to cause us stress. It's actually how we perceive the situation. So how we think about it that leads to our stress. And when we see this, it can be really liberating and empowering because it, you know, puts us back into the driving seat and we don't have to be the victim or feel the victim of our circumstances. And I'm gonna stop you there, because obviously we talked a little bit about the show and you dropped that line on me. And honestly, it really has been a game changer in my house because every time I'm in a stressful situation, I. No, I'm in control of this? Yeah, to own this. And you'll get through it. And it really does. Just that little shift in perception can really help out when it's just building up, building up, building up. It's that time of the day. Exactly. You know, and just having that information. It's how you perceive it. Yes, exactly. And what's causing the main anxiety. And I will come on to a bit more about that later. Please do. But the ultimately, before you actually get into the nitty gritty of the things that seem to be stressing you out, it's really important you address what's going on in your body too, and then you can come on to what's going on in your mind. I mean, frankly, there's no point trying to deal with your emotional issues when your body's full of sugar and caffeine and you're massively hungover and you hardly sleep and the most exercise you get is running up the stairs to your crying children or running out the door for the school run. So it's really important to take care of your body first and then the mind. Right, so. So this is how you would approach and have a look at what's going on. Yes, because I do see some very distressed people and they've been up all night and they're not looking after themselves and they want to talk about their problem in their life, but they're not going to be able to see it with any clarity when they're physically under a lot of stress as well. This is brilliant. Go, go, go. So what do we do? Well, so I have five key strategies. They are, number one, nourish. You want to nourish your body. And I'm going to go into all of them in a bit more detail soon. But number two is sleep. That's huge. Number three, you've got to move your body. Number four, pause, take some time out. And number five, reframe to look at the situation differently, which I talked about a little bit earlier. And I'll come on to more at the end. And you've actually. And just to tell everyone at home who's list, you have very kindly put this together because it's so important to get this right. And you will be able to find this on my page on the website womensradiostation.com Gail has done a little package for us. So, I mean, obviously enjoy it now, but don't panic too much. You don't have to be writing notes. We've written it down. Well, you've written it down for us. Yes, absolutely. You are so amazing. Carry on. Nourish me. So nourish. Right, you want to. Obviously, I don't think it's. It takes a genius to know that you need to get your diet right. So you want to be adding in the usual suspects. So a variety of vegetables, fruit, nuts and seeds and whole grains and good quality protein and good fats and cut out or vastly reduce all those things we know we shouldn't be having too much of. So the white bread and pasta, the sugar is a huge one, and processed foods. And so when it comes to vegetables, just as a bit of guidance, you know, try and fill at least half of your plate with them. And I must warn you a bit about fruit. Whilst it's great on many levels, do watch out, because too much of the natural sugars they contain isn't great if you're wanting to lose weight. And especially so for health in general, too much, the high sugar levels aren't great. So watch out, especially for fruit juices because they are particularly high and a lot of people don't realize that. They think, oh, I'll have an orange juice with my breakfast and that's loaded with sugar. So do be mindful about that. A great tip that a friend told me. She was a dancer friend of mine and she was very conscious of her weight all the time. And she would say to me, when you see that muffin, when you see that croissant, when you see any of that kind of like high process white bread stuff, if your level's like on a five and you have that, it will speed up very quickly to a nine and then shoot back down to a three. Absolutely. And so you will be feeling worse afterwards. As soon as you see that croissant, you say, I will be feeling worse. I'm not going to have it. Yes, exactly. And it really does help you bypass that bit. Yes. In the supermarkets, in the coffee shop, bypass that bit. Don't go down to a three, ladies. No, exactly. I mean, you know, an occasional treat when you're on holiday. Go for it, but it just mustn't be part of your regular diet. Well, no, not. I mean, exactly. I mean, I think we could do more than once a year, Gail. Holidays. Okay. But what we're talking about is people get in a habit of having a coffee and a glass of coffee and a muffin and that becomes a daily thing. And that's when it's really, you know, going to be affecting you. And yeah, like you said, the sugar. The nutritionist said the sugar is absolutely the Huge enemy. Yeah. And tied in with sugar. And some of your listeners may not be very happy to hear this, but you really do need to definitely cut down on your alcohol intake because at the end of the day, that's liquid sugar. Such a killjoy. Such a killjoy. Now, now, what I am saying is instead of downing a whole bottle of wine while binge watching Netflix, you don't have to go on a complete. I'm just having water. Have a glass of wine, enjoy it, sip it slowly. Just don't go overboard and try not to have it every day because you need to give your liver a break. And the problem also with alcohol is high levels of alcohol can actually increase your stress and it tends to lead to eating more of the unhealthy food. It can definitely impact your sleep. And then when you're tired, you tend to eat badly as well and you can't be bothered to exercise. So it can be a bit of a disaster. And the hangovers can lead to the orange foods the next day, of course, the orange and the beige foods, which is, you know, I've got to get through the day, especially with the kids, so. Exactly, exactly. So do watch out there. Better quality wine, less taken in. Yes, exactly. And savour. Savour the taste. Savour the taste by having the better quality wine. That's right. And if it's costing you that much, you're like, oh, I'm definitely sipping this. Yes. Okay. So nourish, nourish. So the next strategy is sleep. So it's really crucial to prioritise your sleep and try and aim for seven to eight hours. So Love island finishes 10 o'. Clock. Go to bed, don't faff around. Yup. Yes, you really do. I mean, I love faffing. I know, I love faffing too. But do you love faffing more than feeling, you know, having no sleep and feeling dreadful the next day? How long do you faff for then? How long can you give us? I mean, I've got to go and check it. Yes. I've got, you know, a bit of a facial thing going on. I like to do my hot water. Yeah. Maybe some stretching. You need to factor in the fasting. I don't got the stretching. Stretching my skin back into place. Yeah. Okay. So how much faffing are you going to give? A little. Well, no, I wouldn't be strict. If you really love your faffing and, you know, you're doing things that nourish you, not in the food sense, but emotionally faff away. But just factor it into your bedtime slot. I might have to go up at 8. Seriously. Because I go up about 10 and I'm still faffing. And Mark's like, it's quarter to midnight. You have been faffing around. Well, I know that when I go up to bed and I sort of go and check on my kids, generally, they're still up. And then my son wants to chat about this and my daughter wants to talk about that. They're still up. Yeah, well, I go to bed early. I do go to bed early. So I might be heading up 9, 30, 10 o' clock because. Because I'm factoring in the FAF time. Right. Because it will be at least half an hour of chatting to kids and saying, why aren't you asleep? Get back into bed. So the aim is to really have a good bedtime routine and come off your devices really important two hours beforehand. So get off Instagram and Facebook before you want to sleep. Yes. And a bit of tv. So important. A bit of TV is fine, but just if you can, not in the bedroom, which should be saved for reading, sleeping and of course sex, which is a very good sleep aid. It is a very good sleep aid. Right, so we have done. This is a five point approach to treating stress and getting your body well. We've done nourish, we've done sleep. We're going to talk about move, pause and reframe. But we're just going to go to a few short messages and now don't forget we will be coming back and talking about about how you can manage your kids better, your relationship and the home. And don't forget, you can email me at any time. It's CarolineWimmyRadiostation.com we'll see you in a couple. Welcome to the Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most of the importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months, I'll be doing a survey in big brand coffee shops, interviewing customers asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a health tip. For our listeners, the most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. Stay tuned for further details. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station, its Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together with spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women's radio station supporting women's well being. Welcome back to Mother's Hour with me, Carolyn Van Beers here on Women's Radio Station. We're talking all about social media stress today with Dr. Gail Sharman. She is a stress and anxiety specialist. We're actually talking about if you get your body as in a good place then you are much more able to deal and cope with the stresses in life. So we've just done nourish which was brilliant. We've done sleep which we're all guilty of not getting enough sleep. I love the bit that you talked about about just get off the devices because they're just going to make you feel bad. Yes, exactly. Get some good sleep. Next, Gail, is move. Yes. So any sort of exercise done consistently is great. So even if you're able to fit in just short bursts of 10 to 20 minutes, that's a great start. But just try and do it regularly. So pick something you enjoy. You might want to do it with a friend. And start small. And if 10 to 20 minutes seems like too much, then aim for a brisk walk whenever you can. So if you're going to post a letter, have a little gentle jog to the post box, or taking your dog for a walk, speed up a bit. You know, if you're going to the tube, you can walk up the escalators and just instead of standing there daydreaming, you might not want to do the 193 stairs that I did at Covent Garden just before. That was a bit much. But, you know, just try and be mindful of moving more. And what I found that by focusing on just those first three things, you know, nourishing, sleeping and moving, is that as you start to feel better physically, your perception of your stresses and all the things that are bothering you don't seem quite so bad. And life just starts to get a bit easier. It's like when you first wake up in the morning, though you know what you were really stressing about at 10 o' clock at night, that seemed really overwhelming, actually seems really manageable because you've got the whole day in front of you. So, you know, just putting yourself into a good place is gonna. Yeah. You know, and help you lose weight. Yes. As we talked about earlier, if that was stressing you out, then it's gonna minimise your stress, which is great. And then to pause, you know, the step pause. It's another really helpful strategy, is just to take time out for any sort of pause during your day to allow the mind to calm down. And you can do it by meditation or mindfulness, if that floats your boat, or perhaps breathing exercises. But, you know, don't underestimate the power of just sitting down quietly with a cup of tea, which can be really good for you. And I often recommend a soak in the bath with some Epsom salts that contain magnesium, and that calms down the nervous system. So just find some you time, you know, that's absolutely brilliant, Gail, because again, on this program that we did on weight loss after pregnancy, we actually all together did a little bit of a. Not a meditation, but a regrouping, a pausing, where we put our hands on our hearts and the other hand on our belly and we breathed. And it was just A moment that we took for ourselves, and we thought of three words that were really going to set us up for the day. And anytime you came up against the. A few challenges in the day, you could just go back to those three words. So mine are happy, excited, and vibrant. And every time I think those are my three words. But I did it this morning on the train, and I felt better. It's just a great way to be, and I've never done that before. But more and more, as we're doing Mother's Hour, we're finding that is a great place to go to. Yeah. And sometimes when I find things getting a little bit much with the kids and the hecticness of it all, and I just quietly take myself away, just to sort of break that state and come back, and then I don't have to scream at anyone. Mom's voice is raised. So it's really important to know that you can always do that. And then the final step, which is what I said at the beginning, is to reframe your situation. And what I mean by that is to look at your issues in a fresh, new way so you get a new perspective on things. So remember, it's not the situation itself that's causing you to be stressed. It's how you think about it. And then when we see things differently and when we see we're causing our own suffering with our thoughts, we tend to have more clarity, and then we know how best to deal with the situation from this new perspective. So as an example, we might think, oh, my goodness, the kids are driving me mad. There's slime everywhere. It's in their hair, it's in the carpet. Oh, they're using glitter as well. And you know, oh, my God, I'm really feeling stressed. And it really seems like that stress is coming from the children, that they're causing us and all the slime to feel that way. But if you, Carolyn, were to walk into that scene, it's not your house, it's not your kids, it's not your slime. You don't really care. You might even find it funny. That actual situation is not going to cause you stress. So it has no inherent power over us, and it's how we perceive it. And when we see that it has no inherent power over us, we don't have to feel quite so stressed in any given situation. It tends to discharge some of the emotion. Oh, God. That's the way of looking at it, though. You know, if you just imagine, oh, this isn't my mess. Yeah. Then it is funny. Or don't you even have days where you find it's one thing they could be doing funny and then the next day it's just too much or just, you know, it's just because your mind, it's a reflection of the state of your mind, not what's going on out there. And that's really important. Wow, that is very empowering to keep in mind. I think that's my favourite one refrain. Yes. Oh good, good. Because it really gives us power. It really does. You don't have to be the victim of your circumstance. Whatever situation you're in, you don't have to get stressed if you choose to dismiss the thoughts or look at it in a different way and it'll all be gone by tea time or all be gone by the mortal temporary. It's a temporary situation that you find yourself, yourself in. Wow. So Gail, you just touched on how to look after yourself. Do you have any examples of how as mums can actually help ourselves, you know, on a day to day basis? Well, cheesy though it sounds, self care is incredibly important. So do take time out just for you. So whether it's a massage run in the park or a night out with girlfriends, plan something each week that you can look forward to. Because when we're excited about something it releases our feel good hormones and that minimizes our stress. Wow. You know this is amazing because this whole excited thing is or has been proved to be a way to relieve stress as much as the other strategies that you give out are great. There was actually a TV program made by Blink Films called the Truth About Stress. Some of you may have seen it, it was with Fiona Phillips and they actually tested the theory that being excited about something dramatically reduces stress in people. And yeah, it came out that it was huge, you know, load of people's minds. Why is that? Well, what the way it works is that our thoughts and our feelings are two sides of the same coin. So when our thoughts are on something that excites us, we feel good, we feel excited. But if instead we're spending most of our time thinking about all the things that could stress us out, then we start to feel those thoughts of stress and guess what? Suddenly we're really stressed. So that's what I think. That's how I manage my stress. I get very excited about things. Yes, yes you do. And that's a good thing. But I think that keep my stress in check because I suddenly I'm so excited about that thing. All the other things just think it's great. You see it with your children, you know, they can be really bothered by something and it doesn't take long before they're suddenly focused on something else. They're all excited about toy or whatever and it's problems gone. Brilliant, Brilliant. I love that one. Okay, Gail, so this is Mother's hour and we thought we would look at particular stresses that are most common for us mums and look at some really good ways of coping and handling that stress. What would you say is the big one? Well, lovely though they are, there's no denying that our kids can contribute to our stress at times. And for some, particularly the stay at home mums, it can be particularly stressful, leading to anxiety and depression. And for these stay at home mums, you know, it can be really taboo to talk about their struggles such as the isolation and the loneliness and they can feel a loss of identity. And it can be really hard for those poor mums that have had to give up a career because it actually worked out cheaper for them to stay at home than hire a nanny. What I see with the working mums is they have the challenge of not being able to give 100% of themselves to their kids nor to their job. So they feel like they're not doing anything particularly well. Plus some of them also have the guilt that they may not be spending enough time with their children, you know, especially if they're not able to make school concerts or sports days. So it's not easy. And of course, for all us mums, there is perceived pressure from society, sometimes even our immediate circles, to be the best mum we can be. And the responsibility for our kids well being and keeping on top of all their needs and requirements and what they need for school the next day, their clothes, it tends to rest with us mums and that can be very overwhelming too. And then of course you've got all the emails from the school to deal with the messages in the WhatsApp group. You know, it goes on, the list really is endless. Okay, Gail, so we've got all this going. What are your top tips for us dealing with the kids? Well, I think you have to be realistic about what's truly possible and what you can achieve and also to expect to somebody to expect that you are going to feel there's going to be a lot of things coming at you, so don't be shocked. That's what it's like being a mum and you are human. So be kind to yourself and look at yourself through the eyes of your best friend and notice when you're being particularly harsh on yourself and maybe setting standards that are way too high so you don't always have to agree to bake cupcakes for the summer. Fate. If you've simply got too much going on. Learn to say no to things. Just say no. I do it all the time. Time, actually. You have to. You have to look after yourself first. I've only just started to. And it's been. And it's getting. It's good because there's been a shift and I'm back at work more and so I've had to start saying no, I can't, because you're being realistic and that's really important. And then, you know, no one really praises you being a mum. You don't put your kids to bed and your child says, you know what, Mum, you've been absolutely brilliant. Well done. Thank you for taking me to school, making such a lovely dinner. No one says that. So you have to praise yourself and just say, well done, me. And the next point is to laugh. Find the humour in any situation. So you go to your baby in a cot and they've taken the nappy off and there's poo all over the walls. May not seem so funny at the time, but try and see the funny side. Take a picture, share it with your friends and note the temporary nature of your experience. Experience. Oh, I love that. I love that. I mean that that has probably happened to all of us. You know, things will change. You are not going to be in. It's. You're just going through a phase of motherhood. Your son is not going to be doing that when they're 15. Temporary nature. Yes, that is a very important point. I think we need to come back to that In a short minute. We'll also be looking at stress in the home, as in how to manage the home and stress in your relationship. Gail's on hand with lots and lots of top tips. So we're back in a couple of minutes after these messages. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement. You are not alone. 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For more information on how you can sponsor a Show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's well being welcome back to Mother's Hour with me, Carolyn Van Beers here on Women's Radio Station. We're talking with a wonderful guest on the show, it's Dr. Gail Sharman. Thank you. Thank you for staying with us. Gail is a stress and anxiety specialist. We are feeling like we're in very good hands because you've imparted some great information just about like getting your body into a good place so you can deal with things it's so important. You were just talking then about the temporary, the temporary nut of a situation, as in, you know, you're going through the nappy stage and that could be, you know, causing you a lot of distress. But within six months, that's past. Yeah, it's past, yes. And to keep reminding yourself of those things, you know, nothing is permanent and each moment is moving on to another moment, another experience. It's going to change. Whatever you're suffering with, experiencing it will be different in X months time, whether it be six months, a year or maybe just 20 minutes. And the final, final tip is to make time for yourself because the lack of time we have really is a big one because our heads are overloaded with everybody else's needs. So what I suggest is it's really crucial to carve out specific time for ourselves and do things that are fun and bring you joy. It's ample, absolutely not selfish. It's a necessity and I really can't emphasize that enough. You're going to be a far better mum for doing so. So do it for your kids, if not for yourself, because a lot of people find it hard to take time for themselves and they think they're being selfish. But you're not, you're doing it for your children. Well, I found it very difficult to do that because I had triplets and it was almost impossible and it was only through friends just saying you've got to literally or paying for sometimes just a night, night, just to get some sleep was very important. But yes, that whole thing of also just going out sometimes with your partner as well, very important. Not just you know, is super, super important. Now, comparisons, Facebook, social media have been known to make us feel very inadequate and anxious. What are your thoughts on that? Well, I do see that a lot and sadly, increasingly so in my younger clients. You know, too much time on social media can start to distort the way we view the world, where it seems like everybody's having the best time of their lives and we're not. So we see the perfect mothers with the perfect bodies, with the beautiful children who we decide in our heads are of course also perfectly behaved and we're sure they're doing very well in school. And this can make us feel as if we're failing in life. And what that does is it sends messages to our brain that we're under threat, threat. And that of course leads to stress and anxiety. So it's really important to take what you see with a pinch of salt. You know, these days everybody is using Filters or they Photoshop what they post and they're obviously only posting the best bits. So I advise my clients to take a proper digital holiday if they're really suffering. You know, consider digital free holiday, Digital free holiday, a holiday from your digital things. And consider completely going off grid for a few days if you can handle it, because you'll actually be amazed how much mental energy is used up by being connected all the time. And we're doing it day in, day out and that's wearing you down and you don't realize how much it's wearing you down. And a good thing to do is when you finished, you know, you went online to do something and then you get distracted in this, that and the other. By the time you're on, you know, Fern Cotton's Instagram or something like that, which is, you know, which is actually quite a nice one, but, you know, then you almost come off and you are. You've lost an hour of your life. Absolutely. You've literally lost an hour. And you've got to say to yourself, how do I feel now? And I feel numb, of course. I feel this kind of weird numbness. And I have compared myself. Maybe I got some good positive thoughts from it, but in general, it has consumed me and not always in a good way. Yeah. And then you're even more behind with your to do list. Yes. And that's not great either. Exactly. So I do suggest to my clients, and I do it myself, I set boundaries and limits of when I can be, you know, on my phone. And it's really important that you don't get distracted by your phone when you're at work or with other people, especially when you're with your kids, because, number one, you want to be a good role model to them when they get their phones. And they also know, they really know when you're not fully present. So I always make a point of I won't even hold my phone whilst talking to my kids because I read somewhere that just holding a phone can be really off putting to the person you're talking to, even if you're not looking at it. So I put it aside or keep it on silent or on airplane mode, because I do get distracted otherwise. And I always want to get back to people quickly. So better to not know that people are trying to get hold of you. And as we, I think we mentioned before, actually, you know, don't look at it before you go to bed. It can be. You can end up seeing something that plays on your mind all through the night. And it would have been better look at dealing with whatever you've come across after a good night's sleep. So don't go on it first thing in the morning either because you know, starting your day immediately on social media, not good. And don't end your day with it. It's really bad ideas. And the thing is it's fairly new to us. So we have to now we're like with anything that is new, we have to now manage it and that's what we're not doing. And no one's managing it and it's getting out of hand. And what the young, you know, 18 to 26 demographic, they are burnt out, they are overloaded, it's too much. And it is leading on to lots and lots of mental health problems and they just don't know, you know, it is overload. So I think if we as mums are mindful of the fact that we've got so much going on as well as all that, you know, like you said, give yourself set times and manage it. Yeah, and do the same with your kids so you be a good role model to them, set boundaries for yourself as well as for them and start to encourage them to set their own boundaries. I now get my children to time themselves if they're having, you know, if they're on an iPad, playing a game or doing something so that they learn to take responsibility for them their own time on devices. It's really important. Okay, so last point, when we're talking about kids and how we manage that, how do we deal with or how do we mourn the old us, the career, you know, the free life without kids? Well, you know, this can be difficult, but you have to keep in mind it will absolutely get better with time. So of course it's hard to lose some of your identity, especially for the stay at home mums. And it's really important to find something that you're good at that's nothing to do with your kids. So some sort of hobby, something that's just yours and ideally something where you can excel and perhaps get praise. But ultimately the best strategy is to be grateful and focus your thoughts on what you do have now and by imagining life without your beautiful kids, you know, however hard it gets. I think most of us mums, if not all, view our kids as a net positive thing to have happened in our lives. And more often than not they were a choice we made. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I'm going to move us on to partners now because that's another thing that is very present in our life and obviously can cause stress. If it's all going wrong, it's something that can be neglected. So the relationship getting put on the back burner. This does connect to our stress, doesn't it? Yes. I mean, when, you know, as we will all know when kids come along, having time alone with our partners really does become limited, and that can lead to a lack of connection and intimacy and then perhaps having far less sex. And that can become an issue for one or both of you. And that can be stressful and result in tension in the relationship. And then there's the blame game, where you don't feel that your partner's pulling their weight with the kids, maybe. And the anger and resentment from that can lead to a great deal of stress. That is a huge one. Lots of separations in couples are born out of resentment and are in those early stages. I mean, you know, I'm a multiple parent. I've got triplets, but we got help. But I know lots and lots of my friends, you know, who have multiple children. They either went through very tough times or they did actually separate. Oh, that's sad. So what can we do to kind of prevent that happening? The resentment? Well, stating the obvious is. Communication is obviously key. You've got to get clear about your individual responsibilities. So you all know who's doing this and that, and write them down if you need be. You know, at the end of the day, you're unique, separate individuals. You're not the same person. And your partner may very well not be seeing things the same way you do. And they may not have a clue how much you're struggling. They're not a mind reader. Absolutely. So talk to them. I mean, this is my area of expertise, because we really did have to do this. We had three little babies, and all their nappies needed changing. And if my husband did not get involved, there was a lot of resentment. I can understand. But we, and I've talked about this before on the show, we actually had to become a team. And we had these hilarious strap lines where we would go, teamwork makes the dream work. One team, one dream. But when we did that, life became fun again and looking after all these little babies. And, you know, it wasn't about getting there. It was about the journey. It's all about just coming together and being a team. And if you can do that with anything in life and you become a team, my goodness, you can manage the situation so much better. Sounds like you handled that really well. Thank you very much. That's great. That was kind of a necessity. It took us a while to get there, but when we did, it was a great thing. It is one of my top tips in life. I am aware that we are approaching the end of the show, Gail. We haven't touched on half the things we wanted to touch on because we've not stopped talking. But maybe I'll have to get you back in on the show and we'll do a part two for stress. So if you do have any questions, ladies, or you would like us to do another show or is there anything particular that you would love Gail, to go through, you can get in touch with me on CarolineWensRadiostation.com but added to that, we have a very, very wonderful gift that Dr. Gail Sharman has offered to you, the listener, and that is 20 free consultations. Is that right? Not to one person. No, no, no, sorry. Eight free consultations. Free consultations. A free consultation up to an hour to the first 20 that you know. Get in touch with either the radio station or me. Okay, so how can we get in touch with you, Gail? Well, I'm. My email is Gail G A I l@doctorgalesharman.com that's D R G A I L Sharman S H-A R M A N.com and your website is more or less the same www.drgalesharman.com. we will put all those details up on the website so that you can get in touch with Gail and get your free consultation. Thank you so much for that. Don't forget as well, we're going to put your five top tips to how to get your body into a good place so you can manage your stress a lot better. Join me next time for plan B. Welcome to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things automatically Women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Tracey Weedon of Brownhill Insurance Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal household, high net worth and fine art. 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