Radical Well-being – Its All About Me

Hello, guys. Welcome to the Radical Wellbeing show on Women's radio Station. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I'm here in our delightful studio in Covent Garden helping to support women's well being. Well, on the Radical Wellbeing Show, I bring you ordinary women, usually bring you ordinary women, women like me and you, who are sharing their unique stories. So these are basically women who have refused to be defined by their pains, by stigma or by stereotypes, and instead are taking back their power. But to do so, they've had to overcome huge obstacles in their lives to be where they are today and together. Our mission is a simple one. And that is to inspire you to overcome life's challenges too. To don your wings, my lovely, to kick away the roadblocks and to live your life to the fullest. As always, I'm happy for you to connect and engage with me with us here via our email address, which is presenters@womensradiostation.com now, this week is a different one, more different than all the other shows I've ever done because it's all about me. That's right, it's me with me. No guests today. How crazy is that? And I thought it's only fair that I do a little bit about me because I'm here every week, of course, with all these wonderful guests, all the rest of it, and it's like you'd be right to be asking, well, who are you? What's your story? So I thought, there we go, I will share some of my story, but the way I'm going to do it is quite different. A long time ago I started my book and I always say to people, it's 75% there. It's been 75% there for years. But you know, life where there's been so many traumas and dramas and battles that I've been facing, lots of those I will share with you over the coming weeks also, and I do do spots on myself. So it's been 75% there for some time. And so now Max at university, those of you who do know me know that I'm a single mother and really big into education. I still believe, although I'm a single mom, that my, my son should have the life of two children, come from a two parent family. And so he does. He has got a lot of my life, plus juggling business and all the rest of it. So now Max is safely at university, I feel like I've got my life back a bit and I endeavor to finish the rest of this book. Now it's semi autobiography. Send me autobiography. It's a semi autobiography, but the first chapter, which is what I'm going to read to you today, is purely an autobiography and it will really give you an insight into me, my character, a little bit of what I was, where I was coming from, and what makes me the person I am today, rather than me just sitting here and telling you, I thought I'd share with you the first chapter of my book, which will be finished, she said. So hopefully I hope to get through this throughout the hour, get through this through the show today, get through the whole bit. And then at the end, I just want to kind of spend some time kind of reflecting over bits and pieces over the story and how I see that today. There were some bits that when I read, I cringed. I thought, crikey, oh my gosh, was I like that? That is awful. And there are some bits that, you know, felt a bit teary when I was reading it again. So it'd be nice to actually reflect on some of those on the Ingrid set. So for this session, my lovelies, I'm gonna ask you to sit back, go and get yourself a cup of tea, sit back and relax, or a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle down with a candle in the corner, dim the lights a bit. And I'm just gonna share with you my story. And the book is called Urban Cupcakes. And, and this is chapter one, you'll hear me mention a person called Annie, or Annie is, in fact me. Annie is Ingrid. Okay, so I decided to change the name a bit. Heaven knows why, but I did change the name. So Annie is Ingrid, and there's some other names that have been changed to protect their identity, but the story is absolutely true. So chapter one, my lovely urban cupcakes. Shirley Prattford was about as perfect as they come. Adored and worshipped by just about everybody in our school. She was the mirror image of the child movie star and icon of the day, Shirley Temple. She had the most enviable curly dark hair which contrasted perfectly against her china white skin, as well as dimples so deep you could sharpen a pencil in them. She also, if at all possible, had the same damn sweet personality too. To say I was besotted with the child movie star Shirley Temple would have only been half the story, as my addiction was more akin to a deranged stalker in need of medical attention. Every afternoon without foul, I'd track her every pillais, prance and pirouette by way of the television positioned mere millimetres away from my face and so when Shirley Prattford came to school one day wearing shoes that looked as though they were lifted out of the Shirley Temple fillets film itself T bars in matte black leather with a shiny silver buckle at their sides, I felt sick. Like the kind of sick while I wanted to vomit all over them to make them disappear, I would have sold our dog to own a pair of shoes like those, which luckily we didn't have one. As such a transaction I'm sure would have only meant weekly sessions with a child psychiatrist. In any case, after drooling over them for so long that Shirley Prattford began looking at me weirdly while still smiling her usual sweet way, I had no other option than to resort to plan B. And even though just a few weeks earlier I had been purchased a good solid pair of shoes from Clark's, my only option was to ask, mum, can I have a pair of T bar shoes, please, Mummy? I asked. Oh, T bar shoes. Hmm, they sound interesting. And why do you want a pair of those? My mother replied. Her tone was light. It already sounded promising. Because Shirley Prattford has a pair. Wrong answer. If you told me you'd seen them in the shops and had simply liked them, I would have said yes. But to want something because somebody else has them, then, uh. She shook her head and wagged her finger disapprovingly. It's a no. 1 sentence. Dream crushed. Shirley was also one of those rare breeds of the time who owned a Barbie doll along with every miniature skirt, blouse, dress, trousers, shoes and handbag in her collection. And although as children we grew up in a lovely five bedroom house, had five fat meals on our table every day and never wanted for a thing. Six siblings meant Christmas presents were always pretty but practical. A new dress to wear to my auntie's Christmas party that evening, a pair of new slippers, a nightdress. And for our special treat, one of the drums. Da da da da. A can of Coke each. To have asked for a toy, a Barbie doll, for that matter. Something that looked human enough but couldn't say, help with the housework would have probably had my mum raise her worried eyebrow for sure while considering also if my brain had developed properly in the room. A Barbie doll. I could just hear the conversation now. A Barbie doll. Hmm. And why? Why do you want one of those? She'd be sure to ask while busying herself in the kitchen, half listening, half half washing rice over the kitchen sink. But I'd be one step ahead of her this time and would no, just cut out the Shirley Prattford part. But it'd be also true to say that in order to guarantee the goods it'd be at the tip of my tongue to reel off an educationally sounding lie and to say something along the lines of because we need a few for the church's Christmas hamper Poor Children fund in Angola. Mummy. But my conscience would get the better of me for sure, would set my tongue straight and force me to tell her the truth, to comb her hair. Mummy. And I know, just absolutely know for sure what her reply would have been. It would have started off nicely enough to lull me into a false sense of security. Oh really? That's nice, she'd say. But then the reality check would follow. Go and comb your sister's hair. And so it was while present at one of those many playtimes one day where once again I was gaping over at Shirley Pratford and her disciples, religiously brushing their Barbie dolls everlasting locks, where one stroke seemed to go on for a lifetime, that I pictured in my mind the faces of each of my six siblings, one by bloody one, the blockage I believed between me and that doll and made myself a promise. A promise I've kept true to since childhood right through into adulthood. A pact, so to speak. I was only ever going to have one child. I score this inside my brain with a hammer and chisel as though engraving a Roman plaque so I can buy it a Barbie doll. The girls deciding to down their tools on the odd occasion brought only temporary relief, however, as the next most popular game was Kiss Chase. Even thinking of running in the opposite direction to Shirley Prattford, however, like a lot of the other black kids did, was a fool's game, as when you'd look behind yourself, there wouldn't be a dancehall running after you. Over time, however, I soon realized that in order to conserve my dignity, the trick was to run beside Shirley Prattford. Like in a three legged race and with an imaginary pink handkerchief tied around our ankles, I mastered the ability to run beside her with every meticulous stride in unison, not a foot faster or a step slower, we'd be together all the way until the girl's lose and right up to and into the last cubicle. Because while crouching down almost inside her like a tightly coiled snake, it would allow me to squeal in the same cute way that Shirley Prattford squealed while the boys would rush in en masse to kiss us. Well, her Saint Savior's our little Catholic school, was rather sweet on the outside. Our church was attached right next to it and we attempted. And we attended mass up to three times a week and more on special occasions. The church was beautiful, with domed ceilings and muted paintings above our heads of cute fat angels, Mary's and Jesuses. Only heaven knows why. However, they didn't just cut the crap and call it St Shirley's too, as it seemed the only purpose of its existence was to pray to Shirley Prattford too. Stay with us, my love. That's the first quarter of the show. There are three more quarters. I'm going to get through the rest of the story. Gosh, that was quite different, wasn't it? How you finding it guys? You sit down snuggled up and do you have enough tea and a cup of hot chocolate? A cup of coffee? Let's keep away from the coffee. The coffee's only going to hype you up. So yes, if you didn't get to manage to get a cup of coffee or drink the first time, this is a good time for you to go off and make yourself a nice warm cuppa. Make sure that the warm is room, the warm, the room is warm. I'll get my teeth in in a second. And you've got a nice snuggly blanket or a nice throw to snuggle into the rest of the story. Lots more coming up. Listen to Ingrid Marsh. It's the radical well being show on the women's radio station. And today I'm sharing with you a bit of me, a bit of my childhood. This is me in primary school. I think you must have gathered that so far, you know, very, very young age 6 and 7, that kind of thing. And share with you my story, my childhood and how it was for me. And you may realize actually that it doesn't really change much life. Some of the pains I went through then would be some of the pains we still go through now and then how much I've changed from a lot of these stories. How much I would have changed from a lot of these situations that was happening earlier then. So like I said, it's called Urban Cupcakes. Really the whole story is about myself, a black woman from southeast London, Lewisham, growing up in a white middle class world, which is where I spent much of my formative years later on in life. But we'll talk about that a little bit more too. And I've just shared with you my story about Shirley Temple. Do you know Shirley Temple? Do you know Shirley Temple? I am going back some. But anyway, stay listening and there's a lot more happening. Welcome to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kay and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing show supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes and who are taking back their power. And together our mission is a simple one and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show, get booked here at Women's Radio Station and daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to Women's Radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio station. That's womensradio Stn or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome back, my lovely. Listen to Ingrid Marsh on the radical Wellbeing show on Women's Radio Station from our delightful studio. I love it here at Covent Garden on my favourite place in the world, world supporting women's wellbeing. Well, today I'm sharing with you a little bit about me, some of my work. Telling you about my son. I'll touch a bit my son later on and my work. So I thought what better way to do that than to share with you the first chapter of my story. Just before the break, I ended online that said basically said that I used to go to this really wonderful church full of fat angels and mavs and Jesuses, but it seemed as though the only purpose of existence was to pray to Shirley Prattford to make sure you're kicking back with a nice snuggly cup of tea and hot chocolate to listen to them more. Shirley Pratford, for example, despite having zero acting skills, got my part as far as I was concerned, as Nancy, the lead female role in the school's production of Oliver. No one could get into character like I could. And besides, outside of school, my mother had us attend one of the best dance schools in the south east of London. But yet I was always just one of the 30 or so kids in the background, given the part of one of the many orphans. The disappointment leading up to the event was one I never quite recovered from either. But still, on the night, the air buzzed with excitement, which eventually caught up with me too. The chairs were out, parents were arriving, teachers were hollering instructions to create some sort of order, all of which fell on deaf ears. The lights were being tested behind the heavily draped stage curtains and there was a frenzy of children rushing around to get into costume and makeup, which for the orphans comprised of thick black mud being plastered all over their faces. We were all so excited and I was directed to a long line which was the queue for orphans. Makeup. I couldn't wait. And the orphan crew bopped up and down with excitement, waiting for their turn to be legally dirty. Here you go, Mrs. Judge said as she walloped a massive dollop of Vaseline onto my lips. Move along now, quick, quick, we haven't got all day. But what about the mud? I asked her like, like. Like Jenny just had. I pointed towards the girl who had just left the queue before me. But there's no point, Annie, she replied matter of factly. It won't show up on your skin anyway. Next. Shirley, on the other hand, I noticed as I walked past her with my head bowed down, had a dedicated costume and makeup coo. And I'm sure in less time than it would have taken me to blink, I wished her a slow and painful death. But all was not lost with regards to my place in heaven, as at my next session in the confessional box would have the same effect as taking a big man sized rubber and erasing the whole evil thought out. Such was the advantage of being a Catholic. That all happened right up until the third year of primary school. But in fourth year, with Mr. Harvey as our new form teacher, I hoped things could only get better. And they did. During every book reading session, Mr. Harvey would start the class by asking who would like to stand up and read? Like a firing bullet, my hand always shot up first. Okay Annie, off you go. Mr. Harvey would always say the start of the year was brilliant and the joy of being recognised as a great speaker I thought was finally going to happen. Mr. Harvey always congratulated me after my read and would say, well done Annie. It was lovely. And with those comments my confidence began to grow. I started to get more and more animated when I would read and would stick in a little action here and there. Eventually I was told to stand in front of the class and read out aloud. It felt like a teacher and I marvelled in seeing the faces of my classmates being drawn into my stories, depending on how I read them. After session number 14, however, the tide began to turn. Aren't you tired of reading, Annie? Mr. Harvey would always say, let someone else have a turn, but no one else ever wanted one, which meant he was always stuck into choosing me and with no shame in my game, I'd still go for it full on. I loved the feel of the words in my mouth, massaging the vowels with my tongue, playing with the sounds of the syllables in my mind, creating and memorizing different voices for the individual characters, pacing it, speeding up, slowing down for impact. It was like music to me, like saying words but with the feeling of a song. So on the days approaching the nativity play, when Mr. Harvey would stand at the front of the class to hand out the parts, a ritual every teacher did in previous years leading up to this yearly very important event, my soul, as it did in all the years gone by, rooted for the role of the narrator. As always, I could hardly breathe in anticipation. I remember this particular day like it was this morning. Okay guys, quiet please. Mr. Harvey cleared his throat. I've got the list here of the roles everyone will be playing in this year's school nativity play. There was silence. If a chair even moved at this point it would have sounded like an earthquake. Mary will be played this year by Joanna. There was a weak round of applause. This year Jesus will be played by Mark. Now he was the class hottie, so that news was met with the rapturous sound of clapping and desk banging. Quiet please. The three kings will be Joseph, Luke and Malcolm. I didn't give a damn for missing out on those parts. They were generally non speaking roles and I wanted the top spot, the one where the light shone on you all night, where my mum could hear my fine voice and be proud of me after hearing what a great speaker I was and where I could stand proud in the latest pretty white frock Auntie Beatrice had painstakingly made for me with lashings and lashings of white lace on the hem, a little on the collar and a stiff protruding petticoat. It was indeed the role playing for me. It was indeed the role at last that would make the school know Annie was a great kid and the narrator will be, and as my breathing stopped and my soul hankered, pleaded to hear him start his next sentence with a sound of a ah for Annie. What came out of his lips instead was nothing other than the sound of a Shirley bloody Pretford. And as for me, I was down on all fours as a sheep. But my hope never subsided. Wavered perhaps, but never subsided, not even in our sewing class. My plan was a simple one. If I willed for it hard enough, and being Catholic and all that, prayed I too would be given the opportunity to sew one of those big cuddly toys like Shirley Prattford was allowed to sew with fluffy ears and a stitched on button nose because I knew my mum would be so darn proud of me if I came home with one of those. But perhaps in the eyes of Mrs. Judge, my dark fingers, despite their white undercarriage, wasn't smart enough for making one of those either. And so we, the dark ones, were given fabric coloured sheets with pre punched holes to sew back stitches into cross stitches and I suspect only when Mrs. Judge thought our fingers had developed a high enough IQ herringbone and while the other black kids didn't seem particularly bothered and speeded through their sheet after sheet getting excited by which colour wall they'd choose next. I took the longest, too busy looking over my shoulder and longing to make one of those big massive beasts being sewn behind me. In hindsight, I guess the secret to numbing the pain may well have been to have heeded my mother's advice. Don't hanker after what other people have. I just couldn't help it though. What did they have that I didn't? I often thought spring arrived and you could smell the new air. Plus, with the frantic activity around Easter, daffodils in abundance and the end of whatever you had to deprive yourself of for Lent, there was definitely a new spring in your step. And I definitely felt like one of those kids in Little House on the Prairie who never trotted but skipped and imagined being surrounded by bleached out wispy grass and would skip to school every day like a nutter. And soon it would be time for the school summer fete, which meant tons of bunton being made in every class as well as an inordinate amount of music practice. This for Shirley Prattford and her crew meant they left class for separate instrumental lessons, which ultimately resulted in a place in the small school orchestra. On the day of the fete, in an open air concert, they would puff out their chests on clarinets, flutes, trombones and trumpets with intricate looking black music stands in front of them which housed sheets with musical notes hanging off them. As for me, however, along with the other dark kids, we banged away on percussion and swirled a stick inside a metal triangle. No musical manuscript required. The teacher would instruct us when to bang Mrs. Prattford, Shirley's mother was pretty and like her children, had a warm lovely personality with the same pale white Irish skin and dark hair piled into a small but perfectly formed beehive on top of her head. She would bake perfect little tea cakes for the school fete, swirled strawberry colored ice and with swirled strawberry coloured icing piped as perfectly as her kids. She was also the head of the pta. I remember thinking to myself that PTA membership was indeed the secret to a happy education. And so it was in my final year at primary school that I made pack number two. When I have my one child, I scrawled on the reverse side of my Roman plaque to guarantee it a decent life at school I joined the PTA Preferential Treatment Association. Shirley's family were indeed perfect 2.5 children and the dog, while three children, all girls and no dog and they had it all. Her siblings were privy to the same lush treatment in their classes too. The most enviable part of all, however more enviable than the shoes, the stitched beast in sewing classes, the flute, or even, even the role of the bloody narrator, was that Shirley had a daddy. I came by Stork and Shirley had a dad, and I decided it was that said completion. Why? At every family event, the Pratfords won something in every raffle as though they'd bought every ticket in the bloody book. Whereas Silly asked a single parent crew, we must have purchased tickets which were for the next year's raffle. We'd probably miss the sign that said by now we're much, much later being complete. They would miraculously come first in all the fancy dress competitions too. And Shirley, right on cue, would cry real bloody proper blinking tears of joy. Stay with me my lovelies. Listen to Ingrid Marsh on the radical well Being show Women's Radio station in our life studio in Covent Garden. I'm sharing with you my childhood, my memories of my childhood through the first chapter of my book, Urban Cupcakes, which I will finish. I am nearly there and as you can see, there are some joyful times and sad times and some very, very difficult times. But we'll talk about it a little bit more at the end and go through some of the sections. And like I said, I'd love you to engage with us and let me know what you think you can do so by emailing me. Presenterswomenstationreadystation.com Stay listening. Welcome to the Women's Radio Station Supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period. Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth, we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together with spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the Women's Radio Station supporting Women's wellbeing Women's Radio Station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio stations supporting women's well being welcome back guys. Listen to Ingrid Marsh on the radical Wellbeing show on Women's Radio station. So today I'm sharing with you the first chapter of my book Urban Cupcakes, which is yet to be finished and I will finish it soon. And so I'm sharing this with you because this first chapter is very much an autobiography. So you'll hear me refer to the name Annie. Annie is me. Just remind you to make sure you've kicking back with a lovely cup of hot chocolate and lovely blanket and some candlelight as I carry on. The Pratfords were simply perfect in every textbook sense of the word. A family so made in heaven that I'm sure in the Pratford household the chance of hearing a cat barking carried more odds than hearing one of them fart. But my mother, in her usual stiff upper lip way, would never, ever have a Bad word to say against them. That was my mum for you. There was only one day, however, when after a member of their family won first, second and third prize in the raffle, that she murmured something. Holy Mary Jesus. She'd suddenly turned Irish too. Have you ever met a more blessed family? To this day, however, I've never been quite sure if she was serious or joking. On the last day of primary school there was much sadness amongst the pupils at the thought of not seeing each other again. Shirley Pratford sobbed uncontrollably into her father's arms and her mother joined in on the hugs to console her. It was a picture perfect moment and looked just like the perfect pictures in the Peter and Jane books we read at school. Looking in at their family unit from a distance was when I made my final promise to myself in that one day I would be perfect like the Pratfords, with a mummy, a daddy and a kid too. In any case, with regard to leaving, I remember not particularly giving a damn. It was some years later before I saw Shirley Prattford again. She was still a lovely person and greeted me warmly. We were in our late 20s but her skin, well, it wasn't so China anymore and probably better described as Cambodia. Her hair was more sweaty than glossy and the only thing that made me know I was speaking with the right person for sure were those deep rooted dimples. Though when she smiled now revealed a series of golden brown teeth. Three nutty children were running around her legs like an out of control carousel. We chatted about primary school and the fun we had, although on second thoughts not sure if we spoke about the fun she had. We talked about secondary school too, how it went for her. She and her sisters got awarded place at the Prejudices St Bernadettes. The conversation eventually moved on to family. And how's your sister Mary? I asked. Probably a bloody lawyer, I thought. She's a producer and works for Channel 4. I knew it would be good with a start in life. That brood bloody got. I thought, how could they have ever failed? Lucky cows. But her husband left her, she added, my ears picked up, Just woke up one morning, said he didn't love her anymore and left. No. I screeched this, actually feeling quite sad. Yes, she said she just couldn't cope. Never got over it really. Been in and out of a mental hospital ever since. I'm so, so sorry to hear that, Shirley, I said sincerely. Do send her my love, won't you? And what about you? I can see you've got your hands full. Her children were now using me as their rotating device. Well, yes, I'm married, kids, as you can see. Haven't worked much though. Stuck at home and all that, you know how it is. I didn't, but pretended I did. Ha. Tell me about it. And you, what about you? Married? Kids? No, no, no, that's my shop just over there, though. The specialist chocolate shop in the corner. In no hurry for kids. Just work, work, work for me. You're kidding me. I go into that shop all the time for praises and treats. SHE GASPS it's always so busy. Is that yours? An entrepreneur. My, you've done so well for yourself, Annie. I'm shocked. Really surprised. She said, sounding flabbergasted. I frowned. Well, not shocked as in shock, shock, you know, just shocked. She swiftly added, and you look magnificent too. Your. Your hair's lovely. She said this as she eyed up my now very straight and thick shoulder length hair brought about as a result of smothering it in a specially formulated cream every six weeks that would put my scalp on fire. And your skin looks like velvet. God, you make me feel like a tramp. And as I said my goodbye with a dancing spring in my step, over to my first business, which I can say now was the first of many and which was indeed doing incredibly well, I caught sight of me in the mirror and couldn't help but feel secretly pleased. That concludes part one of my book and I just have to mention there that that store in the work falls under international copyright of 219 and all rights, including performance, print, reading and recordings is reserved to myself, the author, Ingrid Marsh. So there we go, my love. That was the first chapter. That much quicker than I thought. I obviously speeded through some places, but yes, that was me, Ingrid, and the first chapter. And yeah, it was quite interesting reading that back today because I, you know, sort of plucked it out. So, okay, this is what I'm going to do on the show and reading it back. And one of the bits I thought was quite sad when I read it was that I was upset with myself actually, with the bit about these shoes that I looked at her shoes, obviously very envious of her shoes and I was thinking, criker, where did that come from? Because I'm not really a things person. But in hindsight, thinking about it again and not being so hard on myself as I can be, I thought to myself, well, you know, that's what brands do, don't they? We see something on somebody else or we see them on a famous person, what have you. We think by acquiring that item that we will become it. And I really felt by Shirley Prattford having those shoes, she was now Shirley Temple. And I hope those bits didn't confuse me that she was now Shirley Temple. She was who I wanted to be. And for that, that made me like completely free because I wanted to be Shirley Temple. And the shoes were able to do that. And I think about. And I talked about how I just wanted to vomit all over them to make them disappear because I swore Shirley Temple was me. So, yes, I stopped beating myself up about that. And the other bit I wanted to reflect on, there's lots in there I felt that made me really want to think. And so I've got people mentioned that there was always. Yes. So this is the other thing that comes up when I've read that in the past, so many women have said to me, there was always that one person at school, wasn't there? There's always that one person who just seemed like they had it all and that you wished you was like them, you know, and it's. That's one to think about, is that who was that for you? Who did you know at school? And you thought, I wish I was you. And it's always mental, isn't it? Because years later when you see them again, it's like, okay, maybe I'm glad I wasn't. And I was with some friends recently, was at a funeral and we were talking about then that my elders, actually it's not elders as my mom, but slightly old, more my sister's age groups. And they were talking about their childhood days or the teenage days and the people that they were really fearful of and the people that they wanted to be like and all those people. Now you wouldn't necessarily want to be like them. And it's just that illusion, isn't it, that our minds create. So I thought that was interesting. And I was intrigued by other people saying that they had that too. There was somebody that they wanted to be like. Who was that for you? You know, in the comments box, let us know that. I'd be intrigued to know about that. But what was also interesting was the bit about the Barbie doll now how much I wanted a Barbie doll. And that's why they say, don't they? You've really got to be careful what you wish for. Because I couldn't think of anything worse than a Barbie doll. I know. I look back now and I think, I'm so pleased my mother didn't buy me one because I hate everything that they represent. Now I know they've changed a lot now. They've tried to be a bit more inclusive and they're doing the right thing now. Many years I blamed the Barbie doll empire for creating much of the stereotypes around women, their body shapes, their hair and all the rest of it. And I could imagine now, like there was that part in the story I talk about, the girls were like stroking their hair and these long sweeping strokes. And I look back and I think that in itself would have been reinforcing that belief and that action in my head that this is the person I wanted to be. And I'm not sure about you, but certainly I know for many children of color when we were younger, our curly hair, that kink in our hair, we didn't necessarily adore it. Now my household, I'll be honest with you, we weren't as bad as most. We were quite lucky in that regard. My brother was quite an Afrocentric and all the rest of it. But we did at one stage used to cut up newspapers and do these. Cut these long strips into them, put them around our hair to have this long hair. And that's what was deemed with beauty. And you heard me later on talking about straightening my hair and we'd have. That meant putting this cream on my head and I did this for years, which meant you was actually burning your head off to have this straight hair. And I mean, I just don't do any of that now. So I realised how much of it was assimilation and trying to fit in and taking away my real beauty. And my real beauty, I believe, is the plaits that I don now. So. But yes, that would have only have been reinforced if I'd had that Barbie doll. I look at many of the. Much of what happens to much of women of color and from I speak to lady the other day from those in India and what is deemed as beauty and if you look, it is very much like the Barbie doll, isn't it? You have to be as white as possible, long blonde hair as possible, the skinny waist, big boobs, all the rest of it. And it's a caricature of a woman. So thank you, mother, for not buying me a Barbie doll. Infant was a black one. I just don't. I just don't like what they represent. So. And to them. But yes, I appreciate they have got an awfully lot better. But my message there was definitely be careful what you wish for. But the one. The aspect. I'm also interested in and interested to hear your view on this because I think it goes two ways now. My Mother said never hanker after what another person has. Now, I love that. I do love that. But there are other aspects of it I query. Now I hear what she says because even now I look at what, you know, look at other people and I never actually think, oh, they're better off than me because they have xyz, because you never truly know what is going on in their lives. And the front part is usually their identity. It's just very much an illusion and it's not real. So I know where she was coming from with that. However, on the other hand, you would also notice in the story that I talk about the other black kids not being particularly bothered that they were being left out of so much, you know, that they didn't have. Yeah. That they weren't allowed to sew the big cuddly toys. They were never given the full lead part. We were never given a musical instrument to play. And if I had not observed that, I would have thought it was okay to be less than. I would have actually it been reinforced inside my head that actually I'm not able to do those things based on the color of my skin. And this is the, the dilemma I end up with a lot of these situations that I've realized that people, many people have these, these messages reinforcing their brain that they now feel because their color, their race, their gen do a particular thing. Whereas I would look at them and think, well, hold on a minute, mate, like if you can do it, why can't I? This is utter ridiculous. So if I did shut that out that my mother wanted me to do, I'd never pursued many of the things I've pursued today. So let me know what you think. Stay listening, more to come. Welcome to women's radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birthing experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on women's radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about Women's reproductive health, everything fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing show supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you, who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes and who are taking back their power. And together, our mission is a simple one. And that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the post period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio Station, that's Women's Radio Stn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome back my lovely. Listen to Ingrid Marsh on the Radical Wellbeing Show. And this is the Women's radio station from our wonderful studio and the delightful Covent Garden. Love, love, love. Covent Garden. So Quirky represents all who I am. Second to Brixton. I was thinking Brixton represents all who I am. So we're here supporting women's well being and today I'm sharing with you a little bit more about me. So I just scratched the surface of my My. The early part of my childhood, I did the first chapter of my book, which like I said, when I read it back today, I thought there's actually bits more that are in another chapter that maybe I should put into this chapter. So still playing around with it, called Urban Cupcakes. At its core, however, the whole book really is about me as a black woman from Southeast under Lewisham who spent many of her years actually in being amongst the white middle classes and really showing the two worlds and how they interjected where there was similarity, where there was difference and the illusions, one of the illusions that people created in both sides and how I'd seen a lot of this from a really young age. And so I've just gone for the first chapter for my books do snuggle down. I'm just now going back, I'm reflecting over some of those areas and seeing what I took from that and hearing what you take from that as well. Be interested to hear what you've taken from many of those stories. But the other thing that I thought was very interesting is the bit where I refer to the Peter and Jane books that I saw the Pratford family and they were perfect. Mummy, Daddy, 2.2 children, the dock. And they'd be picked up from school by Daddy and Daddy would swing them around. Now, I didn't have my dad and this is another big story for another day about my dad and who he is with now. It is a bit of a Jeremy Kyle one. My lovelies. I can leave that one for another time. Whenever I share that story, everyone's like, what? Come again? But basically I don't have my dad. He left my mother when she was pregnant with me, with whom he went to is a big, big story. Like I said, we'll share that another time. There were some very intriguing parts, terrifying parts, difficult times that this had in my childhood, which needs to be incorporated into that first part of the story as well. So. But I promise you, promise you, promise you I will share that with you and prepare to be chained down because you will jump out of your chair. But I didn't have a dad. But I had this illusion for many years as to what it would be like to have a dad. And I blame a lot of that on these Peter and Jane books. And I said to you that Shirley had a daddy and I came from Stork because my mother didn't mention his name either. Nobody mentioned his name. I was like, that just come from my mom. I couldn't imagine my mom like doing it. I just Thought I came by Stork. And yeah, there was these Peter and Jane books which when you think about that, my lovelies, that is like the Instagram and the Facebooks of today, isn't it? We look at those images and see and believe that people's lives are perfect. And I have to be honest with you, when I used to hear a lot about this, that people believe what they see on Instagram and Facebook, I think this is highly ridiculous. This is stupid. It's just a photograph. How can you believe from that that people's lives are xyz? Then I had to check myself and knuckle my little self down and think, hold on a minute, Ingrid. For over 40 years you believed other people's lives were perfect because they have a dad. Now this is utterly ridiculous because you could have that dad in your life and he's an abuser. You can have that dad in your life and he's a narcissist. You can have that dad in your life and he's giving your mother hell. He could have. And he would have been giving my mother's hell, this dad, crying out loud. But you build up this illusion as to what people's lives are like based on these fairy tales, which is utter nonsense. And it'd be true to say, my Lovely, for over 40 years I allowed that imagery to control my mind. And I remember so much so someone once saying to me, oh, know you. I wasn't with the father of my child because of these images. I remember hiding it for people for about a year that I wasn't with the dad anymore because I felt my life was no longer perfect. Richard's potty. It was hell. I look back and think, we have a happy, happy home. My son and I have a happy, happy home. And some would really have to think twice before they'd be alive to come allowed to come into our lives to mess that up. And I also remember someone saying to me once that, oh, your son's done incredibly well, because my son has done very well. Top Russell Group unis and incredible and these GCSes and so forth. Very academic kid. And they said, considering he come from a broken home, I nearly wanted to die. But they were trying to pay me a compliment. So I thought, let me semi swallow this, which is unlike me because I don't swallow things like that. But I thought, broken, we have a happy home. I think you come from a broken home, sweetie. Many people in these like mentally abusive relationships kind of thing and they think because they're with mum, dad and the kids, it's a complete home. No, we have to get rid of these stupid labels out of our heads. My darn. That is not the case at all. But the other thing that I thought was interesting, looking back then and come back to now, was how nobody questioned. I think I touched on this in the break. The other black kids, nobody questioned this. And that made me think about a situation that I did have with my son where. And once again, it's too big a story to do now. I have to. On another day. But where he was in a situation where there was some. Clearly some discrimination going on, where despite achieving more than his peers, he was put in stream three, him and all the other black boys. There wasn't very many of them. Now, this was just the other day, which makes me think, like, this stuff is still happening. And he had achieved higher than the children, the higher top two streams. These are streams not set. But I remember when I was fighting this case, it was two years of fight, legal fight, MPs and all the rest of it. So many people of color that I spoke to was telling the story and they say, yeah, that's how it goes. And kind of carried on. I remember thinking, what do you mean that's how it goes? And just left it. And it's like, no, it doesn't go like that. It's not okay, because you'll never reach your full potential. Now in the school I took my son out of, it meant, for example, he wouldn't be allowed to do the troubled science in that stream. And I took him out of there mid secondary, put him into a school I could barely afford and got sick there as well. But never mind. But then he'd done the troubled science. And bear in mind the school I took him out of, he wasn't allowed to do that and achieved a star in all of them. In fact, achieved a string of A's and A starts. So it's not okay. And it remind me back to my childhood where nobody else questioned. Nobody questioned, like, why are we not allowed to play musical instruments? Why we not allowed to sew these beasts? And it's not okay, my lovelies. We must have a voice and we must fight for reaching. And as women, women, women of color, you know, women with different religions. People are making quick decisions about us based on our, you know, gender, race, age, sexuality and the rest of it. And it's just not cool. It means we are not reaching our full potential. So, no, I'm pleased to see that. I was a bit like that. Even As a kid. The other thing I'm not sure if you spotted was the bit about the public speaking, because, you know, I do a lot of talks now, and obviously here doing broadcasts on radio, and I have had it before that people have said, oh, you were born this way. I was born public speaking. Now, if you once again kind of slow down your thinking, listen to that story again, you'll hear me talking about referring to. I wanted to bring home a cuddly toy to my mom. I wanted my mom to see me at the front of the stage speaking out loud. I wanted my mom to see me in the orchestra and be proud. Much of this time, I was talking about wanting to impress my mother. Now, you also realize that I used to go to the front of the class a lot. I was already the person putting up my hand to speak up and to read the story. Now, what I was effectively doing then was rewiring my brain. I was acquiring the skills of a public speaker, and I was driven. My goal, my motivation behind that was to impress my mother. I later went into broadcasting mine to then get back at my dad. Like I said, another story for another day to get back on my dad. So I continued training myself, retraining my brain, conditioning my brain to be able to stand up and speak in front of people. I also mentioned in the story that I used to love the sounds of the words in my mouth, the syllables, the vowels. And it felt like music to me. And even now, I remember those days, it just felt so beautiful. And I remembered that you could create this atmosphere in the room depending on how you read the story. So when people tell me that, you know, you were born this way, on one hand it's a compliment. But on the other hand, as someone who's big into personal development and really big into people reaching their full potential, sentences like that worry me because it shows that, no, I wasn't born that way. I acquired the skills, and this is where a lot of my growth mindset training comes in. Because it's the sheer repetition of doing the same thing that grew my brain, which is what artificial intelligence is based on today, while they're taking over the world and taking over all our jobs, it's that sheer repetition, learning those skills, mastering it, and going over and over and over again. I acquired the skills of being a public speaker. You know, we've got to stop this stuff, thinking that anything is beyond us. Nothing is beyond you, my lovely. Which is why I also get very much annoyed by jealousy. I've never got it, because nothing is beyond you. You can do whatever the other person does. Some things may take longer than others. Of course, if you're passionate about something, it is easier to apply the hours to achieve that greatness. It is easier. So I sometimes even question the word like gifts or what have you. I almost say that the person was passionate about it. So therefore they were able to apply those hours to their craft and become greats. And if the greats we have today acquired their skills, they applied more hours than the person next to them. You know, as a child I spent a lot of the time in the library. I was very much into the creative books as opposed to the academic one's mind. But I knew just across the way for me were the academic books. And if I read those, I'd have that knowledge too. So never think for a hot minute, my lovelies, that anything is beyond you. Nothing is beyond you. But it does take that dedication. It doesn't acquire. It does need that goal. As to why you wanted to do it, I wanted it for my mum. I think she was given a raw hand by my father. Having said that, I've always said my mother was the first badass that I knew because we had a great upbringing. All this stuff about having to have a dad. So I eventually moved on. It dawned on me we actually had a richer life if money's the situation there. We had a five bedroom house, we had five fat meals on our table every day. We got Christmas presents, you know, because many of the children never had this. Our food cupboards weren't locked. So when I look back, we actually had a better life than if we'd had a man around. It is a stereotype, it is a bias, it is nonsense. My mother had an amazing job. Our shoes was bought for Clarks. Okay, it is a stereotype. You know, when I did eventually leave my partner, it was when I was at my most successful, when I had my thriving business in Islington, a lifestyle shop. I remember my brother in law coming there one day saying, ingrid, do they know this business is yours? It's a stereotype. It is utterly nonsense. So we must not, my lovelies, keep that in mind and keep those lies in mind. And just to add also, that is that Shirley, Shirley, the Pratford family were a lovely family and they were not to blame. And you can see that they had their struggles too. They didn't have the rough and tumbling life that we had. And eventually that also took their toll on there. My lovelies, I hope you've enjoyed today as much as I'VE enjoyed today and I certainly look forward to seeing you next week with more stories. You listen to Ingrid Marshall, the Radical Wellbeing show and remember that you are enough. Thank you. Welcome to the Women's Radio station supporting women's well being. Thank you my darling. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clamor up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum, juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging road together. With spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. 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