Radical Well-being – Is Age Just A Mindset

Hello, guys. Welcome to the Radical Wellbeing show on Women's radio station. My name is of course Ingrid Marsh and we are here in our studio in Covent Garden supporting your well being, women's well being. On my Radical Wellbeing show, I usually. I'm saying the word usually again because sometimes it changes. Bring you ordinary women like me and you who are sharing their unique stories. Women who refuse to be defined by their pains, who refuse to be defined by stigma or stereotypes, and who are instead dead, taking back their power. But to do so, they've had to overcome huge obstacles in their lives to be where they are today. It's a show where we're not afraid to have deep conversations in our quest to inspire you to overcome life challenges too. To don your wings, my lovely. Kick away the roadblocks and live your life. Live the life that you were born to live. As always, I'm happy for you to connect, engage with us via our email address, which is presenters@womensradiostation.com so this week I'm asking a question, is age just a mindset? And helping me with this topic is the lovely guest I had last week, Mike Dalligan. I did explain to you, Mike, it was a two part show and Mike is an author, a speaker, an award winning charity director. He's also known as the accidental role model. We have to find out why that is. So last week we spoke to Mike about his series of difficult relationships and how he turned his life around after seeking therapy and as a result, he's now happily married. Been happily married to Gaynor for over 30 years. Indeed, while most people Mike's age are donning their slippers and wrapping up in their cardies this week. Excuse me. We're going to be speaking to Mike about the fascinating things he has done and is still doing in his later years. And that's why I'm asking the question today. Are you getting older? And I say that quote, unquote, are you getting older or is it just a mindset? So if you think that you're past it to live the life that you love, then this definitely is the show for you. Mike, welcome back. Oh, thanks, Ingrid. Thank you very much. How are you? I'm really fine. Yeah, life is good, Ricky. We've got loads to go through, Mike. So as Peter, we've got too much to talk about, so let's kick straight in. So just check, how old are you now? 77. No way. Yeah, 77. It does go quick, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh you look amazing. So before we talk about some of the wonderful things that you've done and that you're still doing now, I thought it was important for those didn't hear last week's show that we talk about where you've come from. Yeah, yeah. And to do that I wanted to read a couple of extracts from your book. So one of Mike's book is called the Other side of the Door. He has some wicked titles on his books by the way. The Other side of the Doors. I've always thought about that. What's on the other side of the door? Great story Mike. Let me just read this particular extract. This is when you was with a lady who was quite a bit younger than you, I understand, and she had left, she wanted to leave. So let's just talk about that. So it says I was frantic with worry, even ringing Richmond at hospital when a key turned in the lock. She was home. A pretty furious argument followed during which history was well and truly rerun. The outcome was that Jude said that she wanted to leave. We talked and agreed that I should keep the Bickel and that I would give her half of any profit from the sale of the house in Harrogate. The following evening when she came back from college, she packed her bags and we loaded them into the car before I drove her to Richmond. It was not a pleasant journey. I kept having some sort of flashback with Michael. The little boy inside wanted to be reassured and me telling him out loud that it would be okay. Jude wondered what the hell was going on and I remember trying to explain to her, probably not very successfully. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. Tell us about Michael. I thought is this your inner child or something? Tell us about this. I grew up very quickly. At 5, as I said last week my mum died. She'd been ill all her life but she died and my dad came over from in the war, came over for the funeral and then left to get remarried. And I suppose I'd expected to go back with him and I didn't. And I was taken to live with his sister and her husband which wasn't very pleasant. And I realized much later there was always this thing inside which I couldn't work out. But I realized much later the little boy. What I realized was that all the adult grew up, I grew up like anybody else. But the emotions I had were a five year old's, they really were, they weren't an adult's emotions at all. And that little boy had stopped emotionally growing and he was there and Mike, I became Mike and I looked after Michael all the time, looked after him to make sure. Don't worry, everything will be all right. Everything will be all right. And that was the emotions side of me was that little five year old boy which never grew up. Fortunately he's still there, don't get me wrong, not there anymore. But I think he's more attained his rightful place in my life. I hear you. So what kind of things were you saying to Michael? I was just saying, you know, don't, Michael, it's okay, it's okay. It'll be all right. We were driving right through London traffic on a Friday evening. Took us hour and a half. And I was driving through traffic and I was pretty. You know when you've had a relationship for six years and it breaks up, it's not easy, is it? But I can remember just driving along and I was saying, michael, it's okay. Michael. And Jude looked at me and say, what's going on? What's going on? And I said, it's all right, I'm just. I just need to calm this down. And. And we drove me sort of saying, don't worry, it'd be okay. And in the end I think she got used to it. But yeah, she certainly thought it was a bit weird. Yeah, no, I thought it was wonderful when I read that because I thought we do all have that child inside of us that needs nurturing and that needs a cuddle and that needs. Because sometimes what happens is that our ego sometimes kicks in to protect that. Yes, yeah, that part of us. So to recognize that it's there, I think was really beautiful. Yeah. Well, if you see the book, I mean the start is Michael's story, what happened when he was 5. And the last chapter is Mike's story, which is what I've done since then. You know, the summing up and the two are now together. I think they've aligned. I think so, yeah. And then the other thing I do, I talk about the Rumpelstiltskin in my brain. That's the nutty part of my brain that keeps taking me off my track. And I have to keep talking to him. Yeah, detail on that one, Mike. So before that, another part in your book wanted to read out. One of the more difficult things on the project was to keep it running while we raised money and carried out the building and other major work with the shed, toilet, tin, bucket and some special chemicals to kill the bacteria. We now had the basics. Unfortunately, the walls of the toilet were covered in. Well, I think you can guess what they were covered in. No one wanted to wash them down. So it fell on me, as did emptying the toilet whenever it was full. I always said that if Mrs. Thatcher, a dominant and somewhat misguided figure, if ever there was one, had to empty the toilet, she might have had a slightly different view of the world. Yes. Actually, to be fair to her, I think she did make bacon sandwiches for everybody in the cabin. But that's quite different to cleaning up poo from the walls. It wasn't nice. It wasn't nice. And that's what I thought to myself. I thought, crikey, we always hear stories because I'm addicted to true life stories and people don't realize that I'm addicted to them because I love to watch the journey that people have been through. And I've always think to myself, no one thinks about the shit that people have been through to get where they are. But you actually did clean shit, literally. Yeah. I was the director of a charity and I thought, well, if I don't do it, nobody else will do it. And besides that, I didn't want to give anybody else a dirty job. They were, you know, they were all unemployed. I was unemployed as well at the time. But yeah, and it won me a few brownie points anyway. Brownie points being appropriate, I suppose, really. Yeah. Because I think to myself, crikey, if anybody's prepared to do that, then, yeah, hats off to you, Mike. I'm prepared to go low, you know, some things I'm prepared to do. But I thought, yeah, hats off to you. Okay, it's another extract I want to read before we talk about what you're doing now because I thought this was quite important. You've got here Gaynor, which is your wife now. Yeah. Gaynor was waiting at the top of the elevator. Oh, boy. And we went for a drink at the Elephant in Castle Hedge. Oh, fat. That wasn't what I wanted to read next, but I'll carry on with it. There was another one actually, but I'll go back to that. Another one you're going to read? No, if I'm going to read somewhere before this one there was one that was more important. It leads on to that one which was better. Oh, crike, I thought I had this. Which one is it? This is the one where you said that. Ah, here we go. I've got it. Okay, so we've got coincident. This is about Jude again. The young lady that she was much younger than you, who. It wasn't as big as age gap as there is With Gaynor and I, actually, there was a big age gap. Yeah, there was a big age gap. So coincidentally, Mary, Jude's mother had already arranged to come and stay with us. This is after she left. I told her that she was welcome as we'd always gotten well together. We had a couple of long talks, mainly to do with her family and me needing to get myself sorted out. Come Sunday, she went home and for the first time in many years, probably ever before, at the age of 44, I was on my own. Yeah, yeah, I was. Kids had grown up. I'd left them in Harrogate, so they'd grown up. Jude had left and I was on my own completely. How did that feel? I think it was a bit scary. But in a strange way, the children were. Having brought up my children, they were my rock, really. They were always there. Tracy and Matt still are, as is Ellie. Now we've got her. But Tracy and Matt, in those years when I was wandering, Tracy and Matt were always there. So it was. It was liberating in some ways. It was frightening, but quite liberating. And I thought, well, you can't blame anybody else. Now it's all on your own. It's all down to you. How do you feel about being on your own now? I like my own company and I've always liked my own company. I work from home. I sometimes don't go out for about four days. I like my own company. And my grandson, someone said to him, you don't get on too well with people, Chris, do you? His girlfriend. And he said, no, they're getting the way. And I like that. Get in the way. We listen to Ingrid Marsh here on the radical well Being show. I'm with the wonderful author speaker, the accidental, what do they call it? Accidental role model. About that. I'm asking the question today, is age just a mindset? Are you getting older or is it all in the mind? This is what we're talking about today. So we've just. I had Mike last week, but I just wanted to go deeper into some of these books so you can see where he's coming from and where he was at. Okay. And there's lots more. There's lots more of his story. We're going to touch on that when we get back after the break. But this is particularly for the. This particularly for those who hear themselves saying, I can't do that because of my age. I met someone recently, actually, Mike, who was 30, and she said, I'm too old to start my own business. And I nearly collapsed. I just couldn't believe it. And the thing about mindset is it's very difficult to change. I remember wanting to have. Yeah, I want to have a chat with her at the end and say, look, my darling, you've got to get rid of this out of your mind. But, you know, especially as women guys, they ram this age thing down our throats. You're at this age, this means that we're at this age, that means that. And it drives me insane. It's the other beat I have in my bonnet. I'm in my 50s, as you know, and I do not take any of these messages on board. So it's just great to meet Mike who feels exactly the same. So do stay, listen. We're going to be speaking to Mike much more after the break. 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My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing show supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you, who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes, and who are taking back their power. And together, our mission is a simple one and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read New releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. 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Listen to Ingrid Marsh at Women's Radio Station from our studio, our delightful studios here in lovely Covent Gardens and supporting women's well being. I'm speaking with the author, speaker and award winning charity director, Mike Dadigan, also known as the accidental role model. And we're asking the question, is age just a mindset and what if we turn the messages around? Because like I said, it's being rammed down our throat every day, isn't it? That you're a woman at this age, this means that that age means this, that age is that. But what about if we was to ram a different message down our own throats? What if we repeatedly told ourselves we were 20 years younger, we would that make a difference with how we acted and what we did and all the rest of it? Because studies have shown, yes, studies have shown that is the case. A wonderful professor, a bit of a badass. A professor Ellen Langer is 67, the longest serving professor of psychology at Harvard and the first woman ever to be tenured there. And she has done some tests and you know, one of those tests was they, it was a test group and she told them that they were 22 years younger with psychological intervention and they started acting younger, started doing younger things and as a result lived longer. Longer too. And the test was also repeated in the BBC. But we'll talk more about that in a second so I'm speaking very quickly. I want to get more in, but we've got a lovely mic here. I'm just going to read another extract from his book, the one I started before the break and didn't have time to finish. I'm going to finish that now. So it starts with this. It can't have been very much later that I received a telephone call from Linda Lawrence asking me to come. To come to her house in Buckinghamshire to talk about the run of the charity. When I got there, she told me that it had been decided that my contract was to be terminated. They'd paid me until the end of the month and I left there, I left the house, unemployed. Eighteen months earlier, I had left Harrogate with such hopes and now had no job, no relationship, had written off the car and lived in two rooms in King's Cross. I'd also recently been burgled. Four of the most traumatic things that can happen to a person or in a short space of time. That was a lot to have gone through. Mike, how old was you then when this happened? I was 44. 44. I had two mortgages. Crikey. No, I had a mortgage and rent then. And soon after that I bought a second place and I had two mortgages. So, yeah, it was. I went back to the drawing board as an architect and for about 18 months. Horrible, horrible, horrible period. And I just, I got through the days there. I did just get through the days. Came back every night to. Was literally a studio flat, you know, two rooms in Kings Cross, Calais Road. Lived on my own for the first time. I lived on my own for about three years. You know, looking back, it was just a period I think I had to go through, but living through it wasn't. Wasn't a lot of fun. Yeah, Now I know 44 year olds, year olds, 44 year old women, you know, it wouldn't just be women alone, this would apply to men too. And I was talking to someone not that long ago and she was saying, no, I'm in my 40s now and by now I expect to have this and have that and I haven't got it now, so. And literally, once again, just writing off their life. Why. Why have you got this different mindset? Because you still rebuilt yourself from that, didn't you, from that situation? Yeah, I'm, I'm, as I say to people, I'm now on. I've had six separate careers and there have been six separate careers. I'm now on my six and I'm doing things that I never dreamt I would ever do write books, for God's sake. I love it. But I never thought I'd actually do it. I don't know, I just have this thing inside me which seems to tell me that I don't set goals for myself. I'd never do that. That's interesting because in personal development they talk about goals, goals, goals a lot, don't they? Weirdly enough, neither do I. When we met the other week, it must have been, I don't know what the word is. I don't know. What do you do differently then? I keep going. The best example is with the writing, because I always wanted to write and I knew that I could write a very good fundraising letter for the charity and I knew that give me a sort of six page report and I could spin it out and get the image in the words over that I wanted. But a novel, Christ, that's 50,000 words. How am I going to do that? And so one day I sat down and I thought, well, I wrote that book the Other side of the Doors because I wanted my first two children to realize why I'd been the way I had and why we'd had the life we'd had. And I sat down and I started typing. I just started typing. And like all authors do, I decided then I needed a cup of coffee. So I went and made a cup of coffee. By the end of it, I went back, I said to myself, back on the computer, Mike. And I went back to the computer half an hour later, oh, I better wash the coffee cups up. So I washed the coffee cups up, back to the computer, Mike. Oh, I haven't put the washing in the machine yet. But every single time I decided that I needed a break, I went back to the. And by the end of the day I'd written 2,000 words and the novel wrote itself. I was just sat there doing this. The thing came out of my head. By the end of the week, I'd written 25,000. Sorry, it's a non fiction book, the autobiography. At the end of the week I written 25,000 words. That's half a novel. And it came. And it just all came flooding out sort of like unconsciously, absolutely unconsciously. And I remember thinking, and I do that now. I know if I stick with my writing, things come out of there that I'd never imagined when I first sat at the computer. And if you don't stick at it, then those things are never going to happen. No. So it's what we call if I'm going to use the word goals. I say I don't set them. I just have an issue with the word a bit actually speak for people. I may use the word gold but very rarely. But I talk about if you are going to have a goal, quote unquote. It's about applying intentionality like mind, body, spirit and throw yourself at it almost unconsciously. Yeah. Which is effectively what you did, didn't you? Yes. Yeah. I was 40 and I thought well if I'm. One time when I got to be 40 and I thought if I don't do something now, it's downhill, isn't it? So I got out and I thought I'm going to start running. And I ran for about 25 minutes. What was that? Seven years later I did the marathon and then I did a second marathon and all it was. And you was in your 50s when you'd done the marathon. 53 and then 54, three hours. I'm proud of that. Three hours 48 minutes. That's some going. And the marathon's like that. All you do is put one foot in front of another and make sure that when you've done that, you put the next foot in front of that again and you keep going and you get to 26 and a half miles. It's not rocket science. Then what? Cuz when we met actually, cuz we met in the park, I just felt I was running use of gainer and I was hyperventilating like sort of breathing down the entire park. And you said like Cavalry's birthday. And I wanted to show off and say oh, I started this in my 50s. Yeah. You were like yeah, I've got the Murphy in my 50s. Which really shut me up. I was like you better come on my show then if that's the case. But it's much. And it's weird actually because I know when I started my run, like I said I died in my 50s and like I said put myself under and I thought people said do the marathon. I was like absolutely. No, I could just about do this. This is killing me. But that day we met was the first time I thought. And I thought it's not impossible, is it? No, no, it's not impossible. If you can run 10 miles, you can run a marathon now 31. 10 miles still starts with one step, doesn't it? You just keep going one step in front of another. It's like life, isn't it? It's just one step in front of another. You don't suddenly stop life and say oh, hang On a minute. I've had enough of this. You keep going. Well, some people do though, don't they, Mike? Some people do stop life, literally and think, well, I can't. That's why people have given up hope, isn't it, where they've. I don't understand it. No, I. I can remember when, when I first moved up to Harrogate, you know, there was a rundown terrace house and no, no, hey, no heating or anything like that and just a cold bloody tap. And I remember I was on a student grant and I remember I used to all. As the bills come in, I just put them away because I knew they were red bills and I didn't have the money put them away. And then that didn't do any good because I finished up heavily in debt. And I thought perhaps putting the bills away wasn't. It didn't change things, me putting the bills away, did it? It just suddenly clicked and it clicked and I thought, well, okay. And I've always been like that. Gayness says you have the most incredible perseverance, Mike. And I don't see that at all. I see that what I do is I just keep putting one foot in front of another because not to do that. You know, my mum died when I. When she was 34. I think maybe I'm making up for lost time, really. You know, I'm having the bit that she didn't have. But no, I just feel that you just keep going. But then why do people struggle with that then, do you think? Well, it's just one foot in front and they hear all the time and everyone's saying the same thing, basically. No one said anything new. Yeah. Why is that so tough, do you think, Mike? And because I think they don't think I said this last week. Mine was part of the generation that lived through the 60s. They were just the most unbelievable time and we were optimistic about the future. That optimistic for me has always stayed even despite what's going on these days, the optimism is still there. I think some people get ground down by what's happening and their optimism just drifts away from them. And you have to grab that back and say, I'm sorry, I'm still going to look at things as if, you know, it's how you look at it. If you look at things like, you know, glass half empty, isn't it? Well, no, it's half full, actually. And there's no difference between one and the other. And that's interesting. You said gayness says to you that what it is is that you have. It's resilience. That sheer. Yeah, resilience. I am resilient. I mean that little boy learned that you have to be resilient, you know, and. But I don't see another option. That's the point. No, there is no plan B. There is no plan B. And if I might find out later I've made a mistake, but I haven't so far. Yeah. But I think resistance is quite key. So we definitely need to talk a bit more about that as to how we can develop more resistance, more resilience, more grit or to even take that first step, really. I think that's what's. And the other thing is to be a bit bloody minded and say, if you tell me I'm not going to do this, then I'm actually going to give it a try. Because if you give it a try, you might find that you can do it. That's the biggest motivator of all, isn't it? Tell me that you don't think I can do it. I'm like, sorry. One way to get me going forward, you listen to Ingrid Marsh. This is the radical wellbeing show all women's radio station. I'm joined by the awesome Mike DALLIGAN who's age 66, on his 77. 77, yes. What have I got? 66 wrong. 77 and on his sixth career. Guys. Yeah. I'm meeting people at age 30, telling me that they're too young to start a business. My darlings, we've got to stop this talk, stop this talk, stop this thinking. We've got to get rid of this mindset because unfortunately we can't outdo it. What you say you can or can't do becomes your reality because you won't see a way out. So together, myself and Mike, we're mindset crazies, aren't we? Hopefully when the show help you to at least put that one step in front of the others. Stay listening. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinion, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? 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With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women's radio station supporting Women's well Being welcome back guys. Listen to Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and this is the Radical Wellbeing Show. And we're here in this studio the author, speaker and award winning charity director Mike Dalligan, also known as the Accidental Role Model. And we're asking this question, is age just a mindset? And what if we were to tell ourselves a different message? What if we were to change our mindset? How would that Affect us in the long run. Like I said, lots of research has been done. Lady by the name of Professor Ellen Langer. Langer or Langer, six, seven years of age. She did a study where they gave houseplants to two groups of residents in nursing homes and she told one group that they were responsible for keeping the plants alive and that they could also make choices about the schedules during the day and what have you. She then told the other group that the staff would care for the plants and they were not given any choice in their schedules. Eighteen months later, twice as many subjects in the plant care and decision making group were still alive than those in the control group. So what Landria is saying is that this is evidence that the mind and body connection is totally, totally connected. Not mind and body, rather so it's totally connected. And that the belief. And that the belief that we can only get sick through a virus or through disease and the only way to get, the only way to get better is to get rid of it is actually poop that we can get sick. It shows from what we believe. I've been, you know what, I haven't got any of these degrees or qualification doctors, but I just always thought that. It just never makes sense to me. Things just don't make sense, Mike. No. So Mike, you're on your sixth career. Tell us about them. Let's go through all of them. Twelve years in the army. Came out of the army to become an architect. I moved on from being an architect to being a charity. Oh student. Then I became. Sorry, trained as an architect. I worked in architecture practice. Then I became a student and while I was a student I was a cleaner, an odd job man. I worked as a shit pizza chef, you know, half a dozen things. And then at the end of the college I was unemployed and I went on to become a charity director. I then set up my own business because I got sacked when I 58, couldn't keep my mouth shut and I got sacked a week before Christmas at the turn of the millennium and then set up my own business which I ran for about 16 years and then decided I'd be. I was sacked as an award winning charity director would you believe. And then I became a writer and a public speaker. So I think that counts to about six. And you've written how many books? Books? I've written four. Four. Four non fiction facts. Did you start writing until you were 44? I started writing when I was 65. Oh right. My first book I started writing was 64 when I first started writing and and you've done six books in that time? I've done four now and I've got my first novels nearly finished and then I've got two more that I'm about halfway through. I normally work on two or three at a time, right. Because I can jump from one to the other when I get a bit bored. And then I've got another novel which will be probably the last one. So there's three more I'm trying to get. But I'm embarrassed because I've started a book and it's been 75% there for about last 10 years. Keep going. I know. So crap. And we've all got a book in us, haven't we Mike? Yeah, of course you have. You know, you might be a crap writer, but you've still got a book inside you. Yeah, there are a load of crap writers that get published. Well, that's the thing as well, is that if I speak. Listen to. Oh, Watson. I love her. The woman who won the rules. Clarissa Estolis Pictora. Oh, I should get her name, Poppy. I'll put it on my website, guys. And she was saying about writing, for example, that creativity that we all have. And she was saying that, you know, the pieces that you see, the wonderful piece that you see. Let's not forget the 10 zillion pages that she dumped that you didn't see. But that's where the lessons are, that's where the learnings come from. It's from the bits that you dumped. But we're afraid of the bits that are being dumped, aren't we? We keep thinking that's a summation of when I write and life is the same. I say to Gaynor when we go out weekends photographing and I say, let's go down this little alleyway. Oh, okay. If you don't go down the alleyway, you don't know what's there. And you. And my favourite poem is Robert Frost, the Road Less Traveled. Oh, right. I was reading some piece stuff just this week and you know, if you don't give it a try, you don't know what might have happened. Happened. And the thing is as well, with that road, that pathway. Yeah. And I do this actually when I go running at the park. I go down paths, I think, oh, not been out there. Yeah, I do that. And you feel that little, you know, that flutter in your heart. Cuz the fear does kick in additionally. But you've got to go through it. But the thing is, it's like the box always seems heavier than it seems Isn't it? And this is what stifles people or strangulates people is that the box gets handed to them and it just, like, they just look at it and they freak out. They get. It's really, really heavy. And then they take the pack boxes like. Well, it's not so bad. No, no. The, the, the. The. We. We are. Most of us are our own worst enemies. We're capable of far more than we ever imagined. And all I say is just take one little step at a time and see what it's like. And then take the next step. And then take the next step. Yes, that's what you do. One little step. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I talk about straddle. Keep one foot in, one foot out. Anyway, talking about Gaynor, I think it's only fair that I read a little bit. Gaynor's on her fourth career. On her fourth career. How old is Gaynor? 60. Wow. On her fourth one and her fourth career. That'd be me, mate. I have absolutely zero intention of putting down my bottom anywhere. I'm gonna keep going anyway. Gaynor. So Gaynor was. Oh, so I've got to pop my glasses. That's one thing that has deteriorated. Yes, it does. And you're hearing. My hearing is going. My hearing is. My hearing's going. My. My eyesight is the only thing, I think. And then things. I took so long to wear glasses because I was like, like still trying to kid myself, but there we go. So it's much better. Gaynor was waiting at the top of the elevator and we went for a drink at the Elephant's Head, just by the lock. I was very apprehensive and shaken and shaken so much that I spit my beer. I tried to make an excuse. When I noticed that Gaynor was also shaking, it helped to break the ice. We talked a great deal, or at least I did, and got on well together. When the pub closed, we went back to Gaynor's flat and talked more. Our record, our record collection seemed to be similar, always important to me. And I left about an hour or so later, getting completely lost on the way home. We also made arrangements to meet again. Gen has a strong moral code, which meant a platonic relationship, at least until she had formally told John that their relationship was at an end. We spent the next two weeks going out at my store unrenovated flat at the one Gaynor shared in Godwin Court. We had a great time and I felt that after three years on my own, I was now in a relationship. I did not, however, See it as permanent. Why was that? They never were. They never were. So you'd lost hope a bit there, Mike, didn't you? No, it's the childhood thing, you know, the most important thing in a child's life is his mother. There's no question about that in my mind. And my mum died when I was five, so all I knew was that if you really fell in love with someone badly and you love someone badly, then they weren't going to stay around. So I took it for granted that a relationship wouldn't last. So I planned for them not to last. And as I think I said last week, I could cope with being unhappy, I couldn't cope with being unhappy and then thinking that in another couple of months time it's going to end anyway. So my aim was to make sure it ended so I could get back to being normal again, which is. I know, I know that sounds bizarre and I now realize how bizarre it sounded, but. And I say we've been together for 30 years now, so you can change. So. But that's quite interesting because when it comes to work and that kind of area, you've obviously got a very positive mindset. My problem is that I still carry that positivity through to relationships. I get to adopt your philosophy there. I think you've got the more positive philosophy now in relationships. I need to adopt yours, I think. But when in relationships that change, you put that down to the mother situation, I think. Yeah, I think so. I think I had a very pessimistic view of what a relationship was, which certainly wasn't going to last. And then I met someone and Gaynor's one of these people that I've learned what a relationship is with. Gaynor, it's not what I thought it was. What's the difference then between what you thought it wasn't what it is? I thought it was temporary. I thought. I thought the relationships were temporary. I thought relationships were sexual things they didn't need to involve. That was love for me. And with Gaynor, it's like I said last week, you know, it's like being with my best friend all the time. And, you know, we just get on so well together and I never expected that. I never expected it. And now that I know it's there, I don't worry that it'll end, because it won't. And does that feel settled in? It feels nice. Does it really? Yeah, it does. It feels. Feels safe. It feels safe, yes. Funny enough, I read a beautiful quote about love yesterday, actually, and it says Love is what love does as opposed to how it makes you feel. Because those. That initial feeling, flighty, flighty feeling thing that eventually goes and therefore it's how you treat a person thereafter. Yeah, that part goes. And if you make the effort to make that, you know, to nurture that person's spiritual growth. Yeah, then that's now. Yeah. True love. We've grown together and it's lovely. You know, we, you know, when you saw us out walking, that's what we do. And yeah, it's just, it's just nice. And that's the thing. I did actually feel that synergy between you. But we all, we all got straight away, didn't we? Yes, we did. Yeah, we did. And I can definitely feel that synergy between you both, which is truly beautiful. Yeah. Guys, guys, guys. So I'm here again this week. I said it's a two part show. I'm here with Mike Dalligan and to be speaking bomb by his books when we get back. I've just, you know, quite loads on the other side of the other side of the doors. Great titles. He's got another one here in front of us. We're going to be talking about Lessons from a Cog, From a Checkered Life, rather From a Conquered Life. Maybe next one might call that one lesson Checkered Life. We're going to be talking more about that. But today the question we're asking is, is age just a mindset? Are we really getting older or is it all in your mind? This is the question that we're asking today. This is what we're talking about. You listen to Ingomarsh, of course, it's a radical wellbeing show. We want us to get radical about your well being. So do stay listen. Of course at the end there's going to be the. Ingrid says, I'm going to be giving you some awesome advice around that. But mindset guides is a big, big area. It's a big, big area for my big, big area for me. Because you can't outdo it. It. That's the reality. If you say you can't. In fact, I help out at Saturday school as well and sometimes the children say, I can't do it. Mason, you have to add the word yet. I can't do it yet. Because once you then switch to a positive mindset, you could then start seeing the way out. Suddenly a set of stairs opens up for you and you can see how you can get from here to the other end. But what I'm pleased about, I'm not the only one singing this song. I have someone in the studio who sees life just like me. I'm not going crazy. Stay listening, guys. Lot more coming up. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. 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Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with the scene and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer. Explore the Doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's Womens Radio stn or Facebook. Women's Radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome back, guys, in gridmarsh on the Radical Wellbeing show. This is Women's Radio station supporting women's wellbeing. Today we're asking the question, is age just a mindset? And helping me with this is my wonderful guest, Mike Dalligan, an author and a speaker, a writer on his sixth career at age 77. Have I got that right there, Mark? Sixth career, age 77, please. Loving it, loving it, loving it. He's run marathons in his 50s, all the rest of it. So we're asking, is it your mind or is it that you're getting old? So I keep mentioning this a bit about being called the accidental role model. Could you just tell us a bit about that? Yeah, I was speaking. I go to Public Speaking association meetings and most people have their monikers, you know, and I don't like that. I just don't like it. It never feel comfortable for me. I'm just me. And then one of them said to me, you're a bloody accidental role model, aren't you? And I like that. The idea that I don't like role models. You're your own role model. You don't need anybody else. But the fact is, for me, it's all come by accident. And I thought, oh, I quite like that. The accidental role model. That sounds about right. Yeah. So you were inspiring and motivating others without even realizing it. Yeah, yeah. Well, I hope so. Yeah, I hope so. I hope this inspires a couple of people to think, well, actually, I don't have to put up with the crap that I'm dealt with. Exactly. You don't. Yeah. It's not easy, but. No, it's not easy, but what's the alternative? Carrying on, being, you know. Exactly. Yeah. Right, Mike, so I've got another one your books here, Lessons From a Checkered Life. Some great subjects covered in here, which I absolutely love. But in particular, I want to take us to the bit where you said, recognizing patterns, that one of the ways you made changes was through recognising some of the patterns that you had, some of the habits that you had effectively. Tell us a bit about that. Before I went into therapy, I knew I was quite a nice bloke, but I was a very, very angry person. I didn't realize an angry person. I really didn't. And so what I saw was this nice bloke that everybody got to know and got on well with. And if in my relationships I was. Was a bit awkward at times, well, you got a good deal, didn't you? You got a nice bloke. And so that's how I saw myself. Oh, really? So that made it easy to erase the parts that weren't so cool. Yeah, right. So, you know, I mean, you just might have to put up with this person's got a bad temper because you get a lot else besides. I mean, come on, mate, you're getting all this. Yeah, I feel like that, you know, you're getting me what? You know, Clevin said, put up with it. And then once I started going to therapy, I started seeing patterns in my life and the pattern that came over so much was the self destructive bit. I realized that me treating people like that wasn't only doing them damage, it was doing me damage. In what way? In what way? Well, the relationship would always be temporary. People wouldn't put up with it and they'd be gone and I'd be back to square one again, thinking, I've got to start all over again. So I started seeing some of the things I did. And the important thing about foot therapy is working out where those things had come from. Once I trace them back to what right that happens, I behave like that in those circumstances. And a good one was when I used to go out with people. We'd go down the pub at about half past ten, I would quietly slip away. I would go, say, I'm just going to the toilet. And I would go to the toilet and then I would go, I would leave on the basis, I think, that you would notice me by my absence. Strange, weird way of looking at things. I met Gaynor. We hadn't been going out long. We went out with a friend of hers to a pub and I said about past 10, I said to her, just going to the toilet and I'm just going to the toilet. And I got in the toilet and I remember thinking, right, off you go, there's the door. And I thought, right, saying, hang on, no, you're not going to do it this time, Mike, you are not going to. And I went back to Gaynor I didn't tell her what had happened. She knows now because we've talked about it and that was a big break for me. That is not going to happen. You're not going to ruin this one. That is fantastic, Mike. I just adore you. Because that's the thing. It's been self aware. But that takes a lot of courage, doesn't it? To admit certain things to yourself or to even recognize that there might be something in you that needs changing. Yeah. Yeah. But the rewards are even the rewards you get for changing yourself in that way far outweigh the need to change. You know, Once you do that, you discover things. I've discovered. I'm a writer, for heaven's sake. Yeah. If you think like. Because they say 90% of what we do is unconscious. Yes. I think a lot of it is. I think enormous amounts. So we could be doing things, sabotaging our relationships, doing all kinds of nonsense. Yeah. Without even realizing it. But you stopped and I keep saying I'm going to do a show on habit break on habits. Guys. I've got to do a show on habits. Because it really is integral, isn't it? Yeah. Recognize what your habits are and then. But then I'm doing them can be a bit hard as well. But nonetheless it can happen. At least it's quite empowering. Yeah. Mike, you are wonderful, wonderful, wonderful beyond words. It's come to the end again so quickly. I need from you, Mike, three radical well being. Tag tips. Okay. If you don't mind if anybody is interested in any of the books but you can get them on my website. I'll go to my website. They're available on Amazon. Yes, yes. And sorry, I've loved. I'm on the other side of the doors that one. It's just wicked. And yes, you've got to get gone to Mike's place. I might begin to touch on. Give us your website address now Before Mike Dalligan, www.mikedalligan.com 1l. That's important. So you can get lessons from a checkered life on there. And it's a nice quick read. This one. Lessons in there. Right. Your three radical well being tips, Mike. Life ain't a dress rehearsal. Malcolm Allison, famous football coach. Life ain't a dress rehearsal. Remember that. That's number one. Just live it, live it. Number two is if you do nothing, nothing changes for you. Self evident. And number three, you really can do it. All you have to do is get on and do it. And then step by step, step, just keep going. I Love that. Step by step. And it's weird, isn't it, because sometimes when you're doing those little steps, you don't realise that the change is actually happening while you're doing it. Yeah. Why are you doing it? It's not until you look back and you're like, actually, I've moved on from that. Or that is not a situation no more. Here I am on top of Everest. How did that happen? How did that happen? Absolutely, Mike, we absolutely adore you. Thank you again for the last two weeks. Once again, guys, you can find out more about Mike, get his books on his website, which is Mike Dalligan. M I k-e d a l I g a n dot com. And to round up my lovelies, of course, it's my Ingrid says, I need a ding here, don't I? Ding, Ingrid says. So I'm going to kick start by telling you a story. I was talking to a gentleman not that long ago and he was saying to me, you know, Ingrid, you have to accept. Listen, my love, you have to accept you're no spring chicken anymore. And up with what else he was going to say. And I was a bit rude, I must admit. I did kind of like snap in and I was just like, don't hear it, don't hear it. You're not spring chicken. Speak for yourself. I don't want to hear it. Blah, blah. Because really what it is, guys, I don't want to take on these belief systems. I don't want them in my front door. I am not interested. We have a choice as to what we believe. I do not believe that. And the reason I don't believe it because I don't want it to become my reality. I look at none of these pictures that they show of women in their 50s, old, graying, bent over women. I just think, that ain't me. You've got the wrong chick. You kick out these belief systems, my darling. And I'm also going to give myself. I don't really pat myself in the back. I one of those. And I'm going to give myself a pat on the back because I remember when the doctors told me I was in my 50s and I had a pain in my knee and I went to the doctors and he said to me, it's possibly arthritis. I was thinking, arthritis, Are you kidding me? I'm too young to have arthritis. I nearly died. That's the first thought went to my mind. He also mentioned as well that the extra weight I was carrying at the time wasn't helping. And he put me off physiotherapy. And I remember I was there and I just thought, I'm not accepting this. This is absolute nonsense. And that's when I started my own 30 day transformation. My running campaigns. Log on to my website, widmarsh.com and you'll see me blog the transformation over those 30 days. What people don't know during those 30 days is that I did still have the pain in my knee. But I just don't want to talk about it. I just wanted to ignore it. They want people to say that you're promoting a bad thing. But I tell you now, my darlings, the weight shifted. I took that weight off the knee with some herbal treatments for a bath and some stuff and all the rest of it. And I don't have those pains in my knee no more. Okay? I'm in my 50s now. I know I look better and more healthier than I was 20 years ago. I believe it is a mindset I remember as well. You know, some people just do have different type of mindset. I have my Auntie Turnbull and I remember we was at a funeral and every time I go to Auntie Turnbull to help her, you know, to help her, and she choose me. Away, go away from me. She says, I don't hold on to you. I fine. And I just love that badassery. Because what she's saying is, I don't want to become that. I don't want to hold onto your arm like an old woman in grid. I am good. And I just think I'm going to be just like you, Auntie Turnbull, when I get older. My darlings, we have that choice and we mustn't give our power away. I remember also meeting this guy who changed his entire wardrobe because of something somebody had said to him. He was speaking to another young guy who had said to him, oh, yes, I saw you last week dressing like a young man or dressing like you're young, young. Well, that horrified him, you see. And after that, he said, no, you know, I don't want people to think. Don't want people to think I'm doing, quote unquote around those words that I think I'm dressing, that I think I'm too young. And he went and changed his entire wardrobe based on what one person had to say. My lovelies, we cannot be giving our power away. Let that person take their opinion and push it where the sun doesn't shine, okay? You cannot give your power away to one person. That was their opinion. You dress for yourself. You express yourself how you see fit, don't care what they have to say. That's a big, a big, big thing for me. Remember my darn, the limitations is around your own mind. If you find yourself saying you can't do it, add the word yet to the end. I can't do it yet. And suddenly I will assure you, suddenly you will see a pathway, you will see a way how to get from side A, from side from step A to step B. And my darling, the falls are just a part of the lessons. They're things that don't go right. They're just part of the lessons. They just make you stronger. You don't let them stop you equally. Guys, we have to remember that you're not legally bound to put your age on an application form. A lot of people don't realise that. And you also have to be careful with your own mindset because if you start treating people accordingly based on your limited view of the world, thinking that age means this, you've got to be careful that you yourself, my darling, is not done for things like age discrimination. And I guess the moral of the story, my lovely, is that you must kick the rules to the curb, kick them out the window and to age disgracefully. I will see you the same time next week. This is the Radical well being show. It's lovely having you guys on board. Remember as well that you can email us at presentersomenswadiostation.com to give us presenters@womensradiostation.com to give us your opinion. Ciao. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. 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