Radical Well-being – Survivng Widowhood

Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh and this is the Radical Wellbeing show, and we are here in our studio at Covent Garden supporting women's wellbeing. On the Radical Wellbeing Show, I bring you stories from ordinary women like me and you, who are sharing how they have overcome some huge hurdles in their life and doing some extraordinary things. And together our mission is a simple one and that's to empower you to jump those hurdles also and live the life that you were born to live. And we're happy for you to engage with us on the show. Please engage with us on the show rather, I should say. And you can do so via our email address, which is presentersomensradiostation.com so this week we'll be speaking about surviving widowhood, especially if you're young. No one really talks about that. We'll be looking also at the cultural differences with surviving widowhood and dealing with the grief thereafter. Now, widowhood, as you may or may not know, I certainly didn't know, is described as one of the most deeply distressing ladies life events experienced by adults. And although it becomes more likely as people age, that is still very much a stereotype. A widow widow is someone in their six seventies or eighties, we think. However, the sad reality is that more than 100,000 men and women in the UK are widowed under the age of 50. And so helping me with this today, this top, is this wonderful lady called Dilys Dillis Siller. She's going to help me to help you get your groove back if you've been through a similar situation. Dilys is a qualified and accredited transformational life coach. She specializes in emotional intelligence, emotional independence. She's a contributor on the BBC3 country radio station on relationships and sexual safety issues. She's a TEDx speaker and the founder of a charity who Will Hear My Cry. She's also the author of a book called Predator or How to Find your Man of youf Dreams, not yout Nightmares, and is also the author of the soon to be released book not this Widow. What a radical book. That sounds like. Dennis, how are you? Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. Oh, brilliant. So, Dilys, let's go back to the beginning about how you became a widow. How old were you? What happened? I was with my husband for 17 years in total. Oh, a long time. Very long time. And I lost him on the 21st of January of this year. And I was 47 at the time. I was 48 in August. So it was all very, very recent. Very recent. And a very long relationship. Yes. And see, my bias and my stereotype kicked in there because I thought, oh, you were together like, you know, four years or something like that, and then got married. So you were together for some time. This must have come with quite a shock. Then it was, what, did he die after this? It's just not something that I speak about. I keep it quite private. It wasn't. He was ill. Right. And, you know, it was nothing. It wasn't cancer. People just guessed what it was. It was just. It was sudden. Right. Is what I will say. It was not expected at all. So because it being because it was sudden, was that a real major shock in terms of what you had? I mean, how did you envision life going forward? You've been together 17 years. I suspect you envisioned it to go on for much. I think the difference between somebody passing away suddenly and somebody passing away through terminal illness, it's still a shock, but there is a level of preparedness, so to speak, if the person is terminally ill. I'm not saying that you grieve any easier because I don't believe you do. I just think you're just given notice that you're going to lose somebody. In my case, I didn't have that luxury for want of a better expression. I had no idea that that was going to happen. You know, it just happened. And what do you feel was the biggest thing that was taken away from you with it happening so suddenly and you being so young? How old was your husband? Do you mind me asking you? 51. He was 51. So he was very young as well. What do you feel was the biggest thing that you lost at that age? Oh, gosh, I've never even thought of it like that. What was the biggest thing? I lost a future with somebody that you're supposed to grow old with. And, you know, I've got two children. My youngest is going to be 13 on Friday. Right, sorry. On Sunday. And I walked into Clinton's on Sunday because we had to go for an eye test. And I stood there and I thought, I've got to get my daughter's birthday card. What am I going to put in it? Because her dad always signed it and it was always for me and her dad. So it's things like that you feel cheated almost of and, you know, forced to live a life that you hadn't asked for. So I would say that is the biggest thing. And it's like, well, what are you supposed to do now? And I think that would be the greatest challenge of, you know, what do you do? Because everybody has an opinion and different expectations of what they feel you must do. It's amazing how, you know, as a 47 year old woman, everybody seems to think they have a say in whether I date again or not or whether I get married again, or whether I'm allowed to go to a barbecue or what I should wear. It's unbelievable that I ceased to become, you know, to remain an adult and I'm now this person that is a free for all, for everybody to have an opinion on how I should live, you know, what I should do, how I should do it, when I should do it. It's bizarre. It's like you lose your whole identity and you're now known as the widow, the woman that lost her husband. So I want to talk quite a bit about that because I know, I suspect you talk about a lot of this in your book. So I do want to touch on that. Just going back to the card issue, how did you deal with that in the end and how did you. I haven't. Okay. To be honest, I haven't dealt with it. The card is in my room. It's her birthday on Sunday. I think I am going to sign it from me and her dad because I think it would be far too upsetting for me not to. And I will say something before she actually opens the card just to kind of soften the blow. But I think children deal with grief differently. It's something that has upset me immensely since Sunday. But my daughter's still trying to talk me into getting her AirPods and you know, she's having a party and all of this stuff. So she's still being a child, you know. Yeah, and I know what you mean there actually, because we lost someone amongst our family and the children dealt with it quite differently. And there was one child who looked on the surface to be very normal and that was shocking for a lot of people around that she wanted to carry on her life as normal. What have you done in terms of, have you just honoured her wish to be as normal as possible or has it troubled you in any way? Because I work as a life coach. There's certain, you know, you work with people in different ways and you pull from different, you know, specialities to be able to help people. So my daughter had said she doesn't want to talk about her dad, she just don't want to talk about it. And I said, then that's when you are going to talk about it because that's when we're going to have a problem. So I said, look, I'm going to find you a counselor. And she said she wasn't going. I said, you're going, and if you don't like the lady, then you won't go. But you're going to make an informed decision. You're not going to write this off because it's going to be difficult for you to speak to me. And one thing I found very surprising was when my husband passed away, my daughter, at the age of 12, felt that she shouldn't cry in front of me. And she made the most bizarre statement. Well, she goes, he was my dad, but he was your husband. As if him being my husband was somehow more important than him being her dad. But I don't know if that was just this childish desire to protect her mum. I don't know if that's how she was thinking, but it was very. I was just very aware, I think more because of my background. I was just very sensitive to certain things. So, you know, I rang a few counselors and I asked them, you know, what kind of methods do they use? Because I wanted to be sure that whoever I did find for her would be the right person. And I knew the lady was excellent. And, you know, she loves her. She sees her every week. Now she's decided that it's okay to see her every two weeks. She uses play, she uses music, which, looking at the personality of my daughter, that's what she would need, because to sit in front of her and just be talking to her, you won't get anything out of her. But the atmosphere and the method of counseling for her was the right thing. So on the surface, the kids can look, whatever. I mean, my husband passed away on the Monday. My daughter insisted on going to school Tuesday morning because she had an exam. And nobody could understand, you know, how she could do that. But that's what she wanted to do. But it's looking a little above what you see, because things aren't always as they seem. Things are never what they seem. That's the conscious part. It's the unconscious part that is really driving things. Of course. So like you said, you kind of insisted that she went. Does she have any resentments about that? Or does she appreciate that now that that's what you. I'll be honest. In my house, I am the adult in the house. And there's some things I, you know, I don't do. This whole, you know, little Johnny, how do you feel? There are. There's a time and a place, and when I'm looking at my daughter and I'm seeing that there is a possibility that this child could crash because she's keeping everything inside. I don't know because I'm also grieving, whether I will be in the right headspace to be able to deal with the aftermath of that 12 year old decision of I don't need to speak to anyone. I've seen the world longer than she has. I hear you and therefore I know what holding things in can do, can do. So I said you're going but if afterwards you don't want to, then I would have left it. Okay. We're going to be speaking to Dylis more after the break. Dyllis became a widow just January of this year. She's an author of a wonderful book called Gossip Mum's the name of the book Predator Prince how to Find the man of your Dreams. Not yout Nightmares. Not yout Nightmares. And the one that's coming out in January. Not this widow. Not this widow. I'm lo that we're going to be speaking to a bit more after the break. Do remember, if you are in the same situation and you have a young and lost a partner, nobody really talks about that. If you're young and have lost a partner, there is help for you out there. There is of course, national association of Widows, but there's support out there if you're young. There's organizations I found called WayUp. Wayup.co.uk if you've lost a partner. And there's also another wonderful one on there called Way Events. Widowed It Young. Their email address is widowedandyoung.org do stay with us. We'll be speaking to more to this after the break. Listen to Ingrid Marsh on the Radical Wellbeing Show. This is women's radio station supporting women's wellbeing here at Covent Garden. Don't forget. We'd love you to engage with us. We'd love you to email us and you can do that at our email address, which is presenterswomensradiostation.com I'll just repeat that. Presentersomensradiostation.Com Remember, if you are going through this, you don't have to suffer, you don't have to be in pain, you don't have to lose hope. You can redefine yourself and come back. And you know, like I said, Dyllis here, you can tell by her title of her book, she's radical. She is going to help us, help me to help you get your groove back. You don't have to do this alone and it's your rules, your way. Welcome to Women's Radio Station, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Radio Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's well being. Each show, I shared airwaves with ordinary women like me and you doing extraordinary things. Women who have overcome huge obstacles in their lives, who are now here with me to empower you. On the Radical Wellbeing show, you'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show. Get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information to find out more and be part of this movement. Come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's womensradio, stn or Facebook. Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hi, guys. My name is Ingrid Marsh. Welcome back to the Radical Wellbeing show on Women's Radio Station. We're at the radio station in our studio at Covent Garden. Support supporting women's. Women's well being. Couldn't think of a nicer place to be. And as always, we are happy for you to connect and engage with us via our email address@presentersomensradiostation.com the topic this week is surviving widowhood and the different cultures. The different cultures, the way they grieve and experience widowhood. And this is also going to be especially useful, this show if you've been widowed at a young aged. It's been described as one of the most dangerous, deeply distressing life events. And although, yes, it happens to people, it's more likely to happen to people in their older age group, in their 70s or 80s. Over a hundred thousand men and women in the UK are widowed under the age of 50 and that was certainly the case here for my wonderful guest today, Delis Sila, who's the author of a forthcoming book, really radical term here, called not this Widow. I'm absolutely loving it. Thank you so much for being with us again. In my research, it showed us that there's. There's actually a difference between widowhood and bereavement. How would you explain that? Oh, that's a good question. I would say widowhood is really your life after you have lost your. Your spouse. I would say bereavement is the process in how you express your grief. Come again? Describe it again. I would say that widowhood is your life after you have lost your spouse. Right. And I would think that bereavement is how you grieve following that loss. I hear you. And they said widowhood can, you know, really go on for some time. How are you coping at the moment? I think I'm coping quite well under the circumstances, but I think, you know, facing something like this, there's so many different cycles that you go through. You know, there's a chapter in my book called the Incoherence of grief because it will show up uninvited and, you know, wherever you are. And once that emotion hits, it hits and you just. You have to go with it. You can't. You can't resist it. It's kind of like, I mean, for those of us that have had children, I describe it like having a contraction. It's coming. It will grip you for a while. You have to, you know, just keep hold of that pain. Well, that pain will keep hold of you and just wait until it eases, until the next time it hits. And did you learn to do that? Because I always think of that situation. I could almost automatically tense up and think, no, I don't want to feel like this. I don't feel like this. What made you know that that was the way to go, to just breathe through it and ride it? To be honest, I think it's my background. I think it's because of the work that I do and, you know, looking at people and working with people that have gone through trauma and those. There's such a difference between those that really embraced their experience and sought help for it, Whether it was self help or professional help. There was such a distinct difference between that group of people and those that told themselves, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Because stress, anxiety, you know, depression, they will show up whether you want it to or not. And that's where you find that, you know, your skin might break out. When I'm really going through, I get these, like, dark lacerations over my face. You can't deny it because your body will say, look, I will file away this experience for a set time. But if you don't pay attention to me, I'm going to keep screaming in your ear until you listen. And that's when you have the depression going in a completely different direction. That's when your skin starts to break out. That's when you can't sleep. That's when your eating can be affected. So because I'm aware of that, I told myself very early on, don't try and deceive yourself that you're doing better than you are or denying how you feel, because the day it will hit, it will hit hard. And I think I was more afraid of that than what I was going through currently. So that's why I thought, okay, let me just be obedient to these emotions and I will deal with them as they come along. And that's really beautiful. Denison, thank you so much for sharing that, Because I think a lot of people don't realize that the conscious part of us, the outside part of us, is just a manifestation of how we're feeling deep down. And it's our expression of what we're dealing with deep down. And it's so easy for us to not want to deal with those bits buried underneath. And from your experience, from your work that you do, why do people find that so tough to go within, do you think, and deal with what's going on underneath? What's the fear there? And what would you say to them? It's hard and it's painful and it's perfectly normal and understandable. I mean, to hold a mirror up to yourself and say, okay, this is what's wrong with me, or this is what I want to fix is not easy. Because depending on where the problem has stemmed from, maybe going back is really hard. And sometimes going back doesn't necessarily give you a resolution. Let's say it involves another human being. You have to come to a place where, if it's something that did involve somebody else, can you forgive them? What does it mean to let go? Where does it leave you? Because sometimes holding onto stuff becomes comfortable and it's familiar and it gives us a reason and it gives us a drive, even though it may be negative. So to say, okay, I'm going to let go of this hatred for somebody that did something to you, for example, does that mean what they did to you was right? No, it doesn't. It means that you're releasing yourself from your own prison because after a while, it's you keeping yourself there. So looking inside and saying that I want to change X, Y or Z can be very painful. And, you know, this is why I do what I do. Because for me, it's helping somebody along the way. Not saying. Not making any judgments, not giving any instruction, but saying, I'm your wingman, I'm your blind spot. I'm there just to say, well, have you considered X, Y and Z? And if you did, how would that possibly impact you for the better? So it's hard. It's very hard. And like I said, for many people as well, it becomes a part of their identity, what they're hanging on to. And it's like, well, if I let that go, who will I be? Exactly. If I let that go? So, yeah, thank you so much for your authenticity and sharing with us how it was expressing itself. And you know what we do? We look at people from the outside. Don't we think, well, that person's so typically beautiful, they couldn't possibly be going through that. So I really appreciate you being so honest and sharing how it was actually showing up, going on to the cultural differences in dealing with grief and death. I know your book focus on this a bit also. Can you tell us a bit about that and why you felt it was important to address it? The stories that you. I mean. Okay, so I'm originally from Ghana, but I was born and raised here. I did go to school in Ghana for a few years. So I very much understand both, you know, the British way of doing things and the Ghanaian way of doing things. And my husband was from Sierra Leone, so I had different, you know, experiences that was all kind of like pulled together. Now when you're watching some of these African movies and you see how the in laws will, you know, storm the house of the wife and go and take stuff and maltreat her and do all sorts of nonsense. No, I've not seen this in the film. So bear in mind there'll be people listening. Oh, well, I mean, I explained this, to be honest. Actually, I don't watch a lot of tv, so I. Not sure on sky where some of these African movies are, but just. Just Google them, I'm sure. And this is what happens in. In some parts. Yes. So explain. Just re, rewind because I got thrown there. So somebody dies, a wife dies and what happens. Okay, so sometimes in some cultures. Yeah, you. Or some parts of the world, you will find that when women lose their husbands, the in laws will go into the home and will basically clear the house out and they will take whatever it is that they want and the widow is left to more or less fend for herself. Why? What's their reasoning behind that? Sometimes. I know this sounds shocking to us here, but what is their reasoning behind it? Sometimes it's the cultural way of inheritance. So a lot of, you know, like laws in Ghana, for example, have changed so the women are more protected in that way. I was speaking to some Nigerian friends a few months back and one of them was explaining that they have to enforce the law or they have to create the law, you know, to deal with that situation, because it's quite prevalent. And what she was saying is that in Nigeria you don't actually own land per se. You have land as a woman, you don't own land? No, just generally. Right, okay. So they have some form, I think C of E, it's called. I can't remember what. It's certificate of something. Yeah. So that's what they have as their proof of ownership in quote of that land. Right. So when the man dies, they just have to get their hands on that document to be able to show possession. Now, I know that there's wills and stuff that come into it, but that's a whole other area as well because I know of people who have lost spouses and what have you, and somehow another will is produced which no one seems to know where it has come from. So there's a lot of things that come into play. But generally speaking, once a woman loses her husband, there is an automatic accusation that she has killed him because people can be very superstitious. So automatically you killed your husband. And from that mindset, no, no man just dies. You know, no husband can just fall ill and die or have an accident. The wife must have, you know, concocted, you know, concoct some potion and killed him. So aside from dealing with your shock and your grief, you now have to be looked upon as somebody that somehow derived some pleasure of losing your spouse. Wow. We can talk a lot more, a bit more about that after the break. That was some. That was quite interesting actually. So thank you so much for sharing that. Listening to Ingrid Marsh on women's radio station supporting women's well being. This is the radical well being show and at the moment I have with me the launder Ford de la Silla, who's written a book, she's the author of a book called not this Widow. We're going to be talking to her again after the break. Who lost her? She was very young. She lost her husband just this year. She's 48. Lost her husband just this year and still clearly naturally dealing with the grief of that. So I think she's very courageous and very brave to be with us here today. But she's obviously here to help us, to help me help you get your groove back and how you can have this kind of a mindset like not this widow. I'm absolutely loving that. Don't forget you can engage with us here@presentersomensradiostation.com and I remember there's still hope. You know, listen to this lady here. She's absolutely awesome. You know, I'd say to her she's brave and she'll say like Ingrid, not really. But you know, the fact that she's here is bravery is courageous and is absolutely radical and I'm absolutely loving her. Do stick with us. Like I said, it's Ingrid act presenters. Presenters at rather sorry women's radio station. So do a.com rather do make sure you email us here. And like I said and Joining the conversation. Let us know what you think. Have you been widowed at a young age? Are you from one of the African cultures and you experience this? I'd love to hear your stories by you speaking. It helps me to help you and helps us to empower other women. Stay with us. Welcome to the Women's Radio Station. Supporting women's well being Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months, I'll be doing a survey in big brand coffee shops, interviewing customers asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a help tip. For our listeners, the most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. Stay tuned for further details. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum, juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together. With spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a Show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Welcome back to the Radical well, I can't get my eyes out today, the Radical Wellbeing show on women's radio station here at Covent Garden. And we're here, of course, supporting women's wellbeing. Don't forget you can engage with us presenters@womensradiostation.com today we're talking about surviving widowhood. We're looking at surviving widowhood when you're young, and we're looking at surviving widowhood when you're from a culture quite different to ours. Now, I've got the wonderful Dilla Silla here. She's written a book called not this Widow. Something pretty radical in that title, as you can hear it. But it sounds as though she had to get radical to save herself when her husband died. Because in her cultures we were speaking about just before the break, it can be known that relatives will come in when the woman dies. Somehow they believe that he was killed by the wife and they will go in and take possessions and so forth. So it takes a bit of a radical person, woman, I say, to stand her ground. So you found the need within your. I mean, you're grieving the death of your husband and now you have to be thinking, hold on, I need to protect me and protect myself. What gave you the courage to have that stance? I hate bullies. Quite simply, I cannot stand people being victimized. I mean, even, you know, when I started my charity, it was because I just couldn't stand to see women being violated and not having a voice. And if I'm really honest, one of the main reasons, aside from that that made me stand up and fight my corner, was because of my husband. He did not know me to be somebody that would allow myself to be walked over. And I felt ashamed almost at the thought of me allowing myself to be more treated and him being able to see it. And I thought it would be like I was a fraud for the last 17 years because he does not know me to be that person that would allow myself to be walked over, to be abused, to be disrespected. And that was really what gave me the additional strength, aside from my natural personality, to really stand my ground and to fight for him, because I felt that whatever. When you're married, you're one. And I felt that whatever was being done to me was being done to my husband and being done to his memory, and I wasn't having that. I was very much the person, you know, that would more or less stand in front of my husband if there was any. Like, you know, my husband was. Was unwell for about three and a half, nearly four years, and even going to the hospital, he wouldn't speak. I would speak for him. And even the consultants used to. One of them even typed in their notes, very supportive wife. I mean, they couldn't get anything past me. I mean, my husband, you know, originally fell ill on holiday in Portugal on a family holiday in 2015. And the insurance company, I mentioned this in the book, were trying to get my husband to come back to London, knowing full well that they said that they had to do an emergency operation on his spinal cord and that he shouldn't be moved. And, you know, cut a long story short, I ended up having to get solicitors involved because I would not allow them to bring my husband back before he was ready. They even went as far as trying to call the telephone by his bedside to speak to him directly and bypass me because I was like the Rottweiler, you know, so that's just. Yeah. And I take my hat off to you because we live in a world where women are so silenced and told that we have to be meek and mild and don't speak up for what you believe in. So it takes great courage to break those boundaries, break those rules, walls. So, you know, well done, you. And I'm sure that this. Just hearing this will empower a lot of people to. To have a voice and speak up, because there are some systems out there, isn't there, that just doesn't want us to speak. And like I said, you can end up saving lives. Yes. Just being that way. So going back to your husband's funeral, what steps did you actually have to put in place to make sure that your wishes, his wishes, your family wishes were honored? What steps did you have to put in place? Let me take it back a little bit further. So in the Ghanaian culture, the widow isn't supposed to speak. And by that you have somebody that will advocate and speak on behalf of the widow, basically to save your strength and having to, you know, go through the whole trauma of explaining what happened. So when someone passes away, even though my husband was Sierra Leonean, being Ghanaian, I kind of toggled between the two cultures. So in the Ghanaian culture, on the seventh day we have like a sit down where people come through the house, they will give a monetary donation or there will be drinks and they will be asked, what is your mission here? And then the spokesperson will explain that, sorry, the person that's come to the house will say, I heard something that didn't gladden my heart and I'm giving like a literal translation and I heard this story that so and so whether it's our brother or our friend or whoever had passed away, so I've come to see whether it's true. And then somebody, the spokesperson will then respond and say, yes, unfortunately, what you heard was true. And when you come in, you shake from the left and you go, you shake everybody's hand, sorry, tell a lie, you shake from the right and you, you know, right to left. But you don't shake the hand of the widow because it's seen as that, you know, too tiresome for her. So you're there, you know, very quiet. But the issue I think for me was I didn't feel that my voice was being heard. And so for that reason I had to really put my foot down and say, look, I want X, I want Y, I want Z. And this is how I wanted it. And there were some that I didn't want at the funeral and, you know, which in our culture is quite controversial, but I mean, I went as far as getting security guards because that's what I wanted, which was partly for that, but also partly for the fact that I knew there was going to be a lot of people. And I thought, you know, I thought people would feel a lot safer if they could see that somebody could control the, you know, the number of people. And there was over 600 people, so that's a lot. Yeah. So here you are, Dilys, you, cultures are hard to break. You know, they're walls, you know, they thicker walls in our minds and many of us are, as much as we love them, could also be silenced by them. So you were breaking some rules here. But what often breaks, stops us from doing what we want, from having our voice and being able to express our individuality. We get concerned by what people are going to say. 100, what do you say to that? How did you handle that? What advice would you give to people who have that concern? Rather, it's a really difficult one because I have been a bit of a rebel from, I think, the day I was born. I don't, I only listen to the opinion of people that genuinely Emphasis on the genuinely love and care for me. I am really not concerned about people that don't like me because even if they have all the evidence in the world to refute what it is that they have an issue with, they will still find something. And I haven't the time, the desire, the inclination, the interest to waste my time on such people. It's just the way it is. It's beautiful, actually. I mean, excuse me, in my own program I have a sentence where it's just like, not everyone's gonna like you. And it's so true. And it's that simple. Everyone's gone. And it's surprising how many people, they find that so uplifting to just know that that's just the rules. Not everyone's gonna like it. But going even further than that, I said to somebody once, it's people's right not to like me. Quite. It's their right, it's their choice. Absolutely. Just roll with it. But I think people will appreciate that it's their right, but they will feel that. I mean, we're programmed, aren't we, to fit in, to have a community, to have a tribe, so to speak. And that bit in our mind would always kick in to say, well, if no one likes you, then you're gonna die. You're. You're not gonna eat. I was bullied as a kid and I didn't care that I had no friends at the time, right. So. But I said that that's very unusual. I just think maybe I was just born abnormal because for an eight year old or normal. Well, yeah, I mean, for me, I was like, well, you'd be lucky to be my friend. And I really didn't care. I was quite happy to be on my own or the two little friends that I did have, that we're still friends till today, I wasn't really bothered, you know, so maybe God was preparing me for a time such as this. That, you know, you are going to face a living hell at some point in your life and therefore you have got, you know, 47 years of training, who knows? Quite. And so who was with you? Who had your back? Who supported you? Who. I had a lot of people. Right. The people that decided to be twisted and evil were so few in comparison to literally the multitude of people. Because obviously I do a lot of public speaking and you know, because of my Facebook work and all of that stuff that I do, I actually posted on Facebook that I'd lost my husband that evening and I just said, I don't want basically to speak to anybody. And there were literally over a thousand messages. I mean, even now I still pick up messages from my WhatsApp that I stumble across of people that have offered condolences. People were absolutely phenomenal. So in terms of support, I mean, I still have people supporting me, people sending me gifts, people sending me money. I mean, it's been crazy the amount of love that I've been shown. And I want to thank everybody that has that is still supporting me till this, you know, to this day. And I'd like to thank them too. Dily, thank you for having your back and allowing you to have a voice and be who you are, being able to express yourself and be your individual self and still be strong and beautiful, the woman you are now inside and out. Thank you. Listen to Ingrid Marsh. This is women's radio station. We're here supporting women's wellbeing in Covent Garden, our delightful studios in Covent Gardens. I'm here with the wonderful Dilla Silla, the author of the book of forthcoming book called not this Widow. And it's about being a widow. It's about looking at being a widow in different cultures. How much varies, you know, I didn't know this. I'm learning lots of new things there. So it's incredibly exciting to hear about these different ways that people do death. But what's most exciting for me, and I know it's a very tough subject, but guys, you know how much I love people who, women who have a voice. So I mean, that just makes me happy that I've got someone on the show here who's sharing with us how you too can be. We call it radical. Why does it have to be called radical? Why? Being yourself, esteemed as radical. It's absolutely potty. You were born to be you. You're born to have a voice. You were born to be an individ. And that needs to be honored. So I'm so grateful for my guest today. She's truly awesome. We're going to be speaking to her a lot more after the break, so make sure you stay with us. Womensradiostation.com presenters@womensradiostation.com make sure you email us and show us some support, show us some love and just let us know that you're enjoying it too, as much as I am. I know. So how can we be enjoyers? But I'm enjoying this person who stuck with who she was and what she believed in and she had support. So that's why I'm thanking you guys as well. So make sure you stick with us. This show's going out 4 o' clock every day next week, so make sure you're listening in. Ingrid Marsh to the Radical Wellbeing Show. Do stay with us. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's well being. Each show I shared airwaves with ordinary women like me and you, doing extraordinary things. Women who have overcome huge obstacles in their lives who are now here with me to empower you on the Radical Wellbeing Show. You'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show. Get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with the theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing specifically on Women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women. And we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's Women's Radio stn or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Foreign. Well being show on Women's radio station we're here at our studio in Covent Garden supporting women's women's wellbeing. As always, we're happy for you to connect with us and engage with us via our email address@presenterswimmensradiostation.com this week we're talking about surviving widowhood. We're looking at the different cultures, the way they deal with grief and death, that kind of thing. And this was particularly different, I think the show in terms of widowhood because we were dealing with, excuse me, someone who was widowed at quite a young age. So I feel that just that little bit different. So helping with this show to help me empower you is the wonderful Dyla Siller, author of the book, forthcoming book, not this Widow. You wasn't going to get this one. Dylan, thank you so much for being with us. So it's the last quarter of our show. Just tell me a bit about the book. Let's just talk a bit about that. What's the basic synopsis behind it? So I think I was in a state of shock experiencing what I did after my husband passed away. And then I began to hear more and more stories about women that had gone through similar experiences. So then I realized I wasn't that special and it wasn't unique, which alarmed me. And I thought, well, why hasn't anyone said anything about this before? Maybe if somebody had said what really goes on, that one can be, you're never going to be prepared for death, but you can be a lot more prepared for what comes afterwards. That is, you know, certain family members, you know, paying for your blood and, you know, the accusations, you know, people trying to squabble over, you know, inheritance and stuff like that. No one speaks about it. So. So I felt that I was going to share my experience so that that could help someone else and lessen the pain for them because for Me. The attack started 48 hours after my husband died. Oh, wow. It was that soon. And it was devastating. It was devastating for my children to witness what I was being put through. And I remember my son saying to me that we haven't been able to grieve because of what was being done to you. And I wasn't even aware of the impact because obviously they're hearing all these, you know, stories going around because they're at home and, you know, they're exposed to these things. So I thought, I need to share this experience for this group of women. And so just to interject there, because you mentioned your son. I know he's from your previous relationship, but it's interesting how he, too, was able to pick up on things just not being so cool. Yeah. I mean, he's. He's 27, and he's very, very, very protective of me at the best of times. And it was painful for him to see what I was going through because I couldn't sleep on my own. So, you know, my son would come and sleep in the bed with me. And he said, mum, when you're asleep, you're shaking. I wasn't even aware I was doing this. He. It's like he kept saying, when everybody has finished dumping on you and everybody goes home, home, I'm the one that's here to see what really happens, you know, so he was very, you know, protective of me. So he was always sensitive to what was. What was going on. And like you said that there are the unspoken parts that nobody's speaking about that. I said, no, how you feel when everyone leaves the room, the inheritance fight, the money fight, who owns what fight. So, except, like I said, no matter what culture you come from, there's still that grief, and there still may be those issues going on. What would you say? What advice would you give around that? That's why I kind of changed direction when I decided to write the book, because I was like, okay, this is going to be, you know, like an African woman's experience. I thought, it's not an African woman's experience. There are certain elements of it that's very African or very cultural or very traditional. But the bigger picture is many women are subjected to the different expectations, still having to fight with family, the inheritance, and, you know, who's going to get what goes across the board. It's amazing how desensitized and how callous people can be once somebody dies. It's shocking. Yeah, it's such a shame. For this experience, like I said, people Having had this experience and what you've said is really key there and a big part of my brand and what I feel is that when we take away all the surface stuff underneath, we actually all have the same hopes, dreams, fears, wants, loves. And we all experience the same thing. I think we get blinded by the outside and think it's, it's different around and around. I just want to touch quickly on dating again. You did mention at the beginning. I did want to touch on that very briefly. You said that people had their rules as to when and who and how you should date again. What were their rules and how does that compare to yours? I just thought it was rude that anyone should even have an opinion. I'm 48 now, I'm not a child. If and when I decide to date, I will date. It could be next week, it could be in 10 years time. It's my choice, my decision. But again, in my culture, and one of the interesting things I'll mention in the book is as you said, you know, many people, you know, suffer the same fate, so to speak. I have four stories within the book of other women's experiences that they share. And we look at and one of the ladies was widowed and after five years met somebody that she used to date. And her family was saying it's too soon. People are going to say that you didn't love your husband and that you're not really sorry he's dead five years. And you know, I've had friends, you know, when I lost my husband, you know, a couple of my friends, their mums, you know, were widowed in their 30s and they never remarried. But it's, as far as I am concerned, it is choice. Do you think there were different expectations for widows versus widowers? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. I mean, if I was a man, I'd be, you know, married to my wife's friend within the next, within a year and it would be fine and Dan. But once it's a woman, you must have been having an affair. If you date sooner than people expect, then you must have been having an affair behind your husband's back or you didn't really love him or you killed him or all of the above. It can never be. I'm lonely. It can never be. I miss that, you know, human physical contact. It could never be. I miss companionship. It could never be. I'm still here. You know, you're supposed to, you know, even traditionally, you know, we are supposed to wear black for a year or six months to a year. I did about five months. And I thought I can't do this anymore because it was bad for my mental health. Waking up every day, even when I'm having a good day, relatively good day and having to find black clothes to remind myself that you are a widow. I had to stop. Well done. You write your own rules. That's my philosophy. Okay. For women who are going through the same I need three radical keep it radical well being tips for women who are going through a similar situation. I think number one for me and I think it will help other women is don't try and impersonate the person that's not going through her. You have lost the most important person in your life. Don't pretend that you're okay to make other people feel comfortable around you. Okay. I love that. Embrace all your emotions. Ride that wave. Don't try to resist and push back because it will come back to haunt you. And I think the last one would be be patient and kind to yourself and do things according to your own timetable table. And I love that one. You say be patient and kind to yourself and that comes up a lot when ask my tips actually to be kind to yourself. This is all the self love things. I think it's flying over people's head. Yeah but it's really important to love yourself first and foremost. Crucial. And your book, where can we expect that and find that when we're ready or your website addresses. Please share some of that. So the website address is www.dilyssiller.com and my name is spelled D for delta I L Y s for sugar. Sforsugar I/l a h.com you can find me on Facebook. The book will be available on Amazon and other outlets. But on my website you will be able to get that information. But I'm hoping that the book will be published on the anniversary of my husband's passing which will be 21st of January 2020. Well, I hope you invite me along to come along and spend some time with you. Oh yes. There is going to be a book launch and it will be full so that information will be on the website as well. I can't thank you enough for joining me. You are awesome beyond words. Absolutely awesome. We need more women like you. Of course, as you know guys, it's what I'm very much into is about empowering women. You can find more about what I do on my own website which is womenwithvoices.co.uk and just in summary, I just want to say that we have to remember that every one of us is different. No two people experience grief in the same way. It is your life, it is your rules, it is your way. There is no set pattern to the grieving process, especially when you've been widowed at a young age. So, you know, never feel that you have. It's hard. I know that the world has it, that we have to conform, we have to fit. And if we don't do that, then you're not a lady. If you don't do that, then you're not a woman. Like Dyla said, you know, five years before somebody dated again, that still was just not long enough. So if you're listening to find the right time so people won't say anything, we have to ask ourselves, how much of our authentic self are we suppressing to please other people? Will those people be there for you? Are they living their lives for you? The only person who can live your life for you is you must live it for yourself. And I know it's tough, I know it's hard to break those rules. But if you just do it little by little, one step every day, a small step every day, just break free, just that little bit, it has got to be a far more fulfilling and freer life. There were women out there doing this. Like I said, we're not famous people. We're ordinary people on the streets like me and you who are doing these things, who are breaking rules for better rules. It's not just being a rebels for rebels sake. We're breaking rules for better rules so we have a more freer and fulfilling life. And when you shine your light, there's a wonderful saying around this. When you shine your light, you allow other women to shine their light too. My name is Ingrid Marsh. This of course is the radical well being show supporting women's well being in women's radio station Dot com. I'm here every week from. And this show will play out, I should say every day next week. No, sorry, every day this week. I'm sorry. Every day this week I'll get it right. Every day at 4 o'. Clock. Twice a day we come out. Twice a day we come at 4 o' clock in the morning. So if you're broad, you can still hear us then. And four o' clock in the afternoon, every single day. So if you miss it, don't worry, you can come back again. Then later on you can log on to the women radio station website where there's a permanent podcast there. So you'll always be able to come back to it if you feel a bit low. And you'd want to be empowered again. Then do log back on and then listen to the all the wonderful Dylan has to say like. So she's ordinary women like me and you doing radical things, helping you to live a more empowered life. So don't forget guys, to check in with us next week again. That said, it's every week from Monday through to Sunday, seven days at 4:00am and 4:00pm we're helping you to deal with everyday obstacles. Everyday obstacles. But you feel that I can't survive this. We've just proved you to you that you can. It's one step every single day. And remember, my lovelies, you are enough. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's wellbeing. Each show I shed air with with ordinary women like me and you doing extraordinary things. Women who've overcome huge obstacles in their lives, who are now here with me to empower you on the Radical Wellbeing Show. You'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate. And you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's Women's Radio STN or Facebook Women's Radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs.