Female – Ing – Kate Davis, My Midlife Crisis Was The Making Of Me

Hello, everybody and welcome to the Femaling show. You are at women's radio station, I am your host, Nicole Goodman and today's topic is called why my Midlife Crisis was the making of Me. How exciting and juicy is that? I am joined by the wonderful Kate Davis, who is a personal friend of mine. She is a creative mindset coach. She works with creative entrepreneurs to be able to grow and nurture their businesses. So as she says, so that it always feels like a sunny Friday afternoon and not a wet Wednesday in Wigan. Who wants to be in a wet Wednesday in Wigan? Kate has been a city solicitor, worked in live events industry for 16 years before moving into behavioral change management. Kate's midlife crisis, which we're going to get onto, built up into a lack of self anxiety and depression until she finally decided that enough was enough. She reclaimed herself, her, her boundaries and is creating the big, bold life that she has been craving for years. Kate, welcome to Femaling. Thank you very much. Lovely to be here. It's so lovely to be here. And we just figured out because you are a very close friend of my husband's and now me in the later years, we realize we haven't actually seen each other face to face in 12 years. No. Which is really frightening because I feel like you and I are in each other's lives all the time. Because we are. Yeah, exactly. But there you go. That's when social media comes into its absolute beauty. And your gorgeous sister. And my gorgeous sister. Yes, Lisa. Big shout out to my sister. So Kate is here. She's going to be very open and candid with us about all the stuff that you went through and your midlife crisis. This is a topic incredibly close to my heart as well, and I'm so pleased that I get to dissect it with you. Kate is, as I said, a personal friend of mine. So this is going to be a very fun episode. Well, I don't know about fun. Well, yes, it is going to be a P.S. let's put that out there. So midlife crisis, Kate, where do we begin with that? So I think my, the foundations probably of my midlife Crisis started probably 10 or so years ago, actually. I'm 47 now, but still feel like I'm 25. I feel like I'm about 65 some mornings, but that's another matter. Mentally, 25. Physically 60. Yes, exactly. So I'm somewhere in the middle. It's when I, as you said, I was in the live events industry for a long time, traveling all over the world. Sounds very glamorous. Isn't quite so much. And for various reasons had two young children. Had to essentially sort of give that up. Your career in live events. Yeah, so that I could be there for my children, so that my husband could get the sort of the promotion that he wanted to do. And it was definitely the right decision for. For us at the time. I would like to highlight something here as well. You are. And I know from my sister and my husband who worked with you for many, many years, you're an incredible talent in the event industry and in the event space. Thank you. And you know that. And I'm gonna. You do know that, because you are a mate. You are. Yeah. She claimed it. I claimed it. So you were in incredible at your job. You probably could have gone to the absolute top of your industry had you have wanted to. Yes, I suppose so. I hadn't really thought about it like that. Yes. But I think. I think it was. It was a decision not just for. For my husband, but also for. For the family unit as a whole. Yeah. And I don't regret doing that. I don't regret having that time with my children at all. Do you think that was the starting point of the decline? I think it was the beginning of the. Where I sort of lost myself. Because when you. When you have a career and you have, you know, outside interests and you're off, particularly because, as I say, you know, we were flying all over the world doing some really exciting cool things and then you're doing the school run and that transition was a very big one. Not having my own money to spend, you know, that sort of thing. But were you all right with it? I mean, how were you at the time with it? Because I'm sensing that that wasn't when you suddenly sort of went full on into a midlife crisis. This was just the beginning. Changes. I think that was the beginning of it and the beginning of the. The sort of. The feeling of lack of self. I was absolutely fine with it at the time, but I think sort of looking back on it, that's probably where it started. Then I did all of the things that. That you do when you're. When you're at home and twiddling your thumbs and set up small businesses and chair of the pta. All of that good stuff. All the things that you do. Yes, that's true. I'm not very good at not being busy. Talk about that. Yes. And. And then I really felt that the children were getting older. They were in school all the time. Right. It's Time to reclaim my career. Going back to being me. Going back to being me. That's interesting how we just. How you phrased it in your head. I need to go back now. Yeah, exactly, yes. That I will always be Mummy. But I don't feel that I was me me when I was doing all of those things. Well, it was a new you. Yes. Would you say it was a different. You were stepping into a completely different identity? A mum, a wife, sort of domestic keeper of things. Which isn't a role you'd played before. No, no, exactly. And so, yeah, I think it was. That was trying to. Trying to reclaim me. So I went into. I went into a proper job, an actual proper job. Nine to five, somebody paying me a salary. I haven't had that for. Hadn't had that for nearly 20 years before that. But I thought, no, I'll be sensible, I'll have my career, but I'll have time so that I know what time I'm picking the children up. I haven't got that. Stress, etc, etc. All very sensible. So how was that? Turns out I'm not that sensible. Thank goodness for that. I know a proper job. I love it and I learned. How old were you at this point? Oh, so this was two years ago? Two years ago. Two years ago today. Oh, yes. Happy birthday. Facebook reminded me. Two years ago today, I started my proper job. And that's good to know. So this is all very recent in your life? Very much so, yes. Excellent. I'm saying, I don't mean it's like, excellent, yes. You've just come out of a terrible situation. Yes. I just. I don't even know why I said excellent. Actually, let's skip over that. Go on. So, yeah, so two years ago today I started a job where, as I say, I knew what time I was going to be home in the evenings I could leave my job at home because when you work for yourself, you never do that. So it was all good, solid, practical reasons of why you took this proper job in inverted commas. Yeah. Okay. And there were loads of positive things about it. I learned an awful lot about human behavior, organizational behavior, organizational change. Really. I mean, really useful in a lot of ways. But it was not me. And I think it was that. That was the. The catalyst for the crash effectively. And how did that show up? This. It wasn't me. Like, what were the signs that started to reveal themselves to you initially? A lot of frustration. I mean, it was almost sort of the seven stages of grief. There was a lot of frustration There was a lot of anger. And then I think by the end of it, it was. Had turned into apathy. It had turned into. I don't, I don't want to get. I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I'm not interested in any of the things that I was interested in. And this is not like you. No. Well, presumably I know you and I know it's not like you. The things that I loved doing. I love cooking. I love getting into the kitchen. It's my wind down time, you know that I found it very therapeutic. I wasn't cooking. Children were having baked beans on toast. We were all having baked beans on toast. There's nothing wrong with baked beans on toast now and again, but not every night. So you'd lost your spark. Yeah, yeah. And your drive for life. Yeah, completely. Wow. And how long did it take for you to start to see that? I think by the time, by the time I had crashed, I'd been there just over a year and I probably the year was the turning point for me that I thought, God, I've been here a year. Is this it? Yeah. This is such a massive question, isn't it? In. In midlife crisis mode. Is this, is this all life? That's the big question, isn't it? Is this it? Is this me forever? Yeah. And looking around me at the people who had been there forever and were going to stay there forever and thinking, is that me? Yeah. Please don't tell me that's me because that's just. That just feels not like me at all. And I think me in there was screaming, get out, get out, get out. But, you know, could you hear it? Yes, I could, but I didn't know what to do about it. I love that because I think that's so common as well, that we can hear our inner voice. We can hear what's going on in our heart, in our soul, deep down inside we know. But actually there's so much fear around that of, say, this is not you, this. You don't want to be here. And knowing that and then thinking, right, well, that if I'm going to listen to it, that means I've got to leave my job, I've got to take away my wages, I've got to take away my stability, take away the fact that I could potentially pick my kids up from school every day. There's so much. There's so much fear involved in that. Yeah. Admitting. Admitting that. That I've made a mistake or that this wasn't. This wasn't for me or I wasn't cut out for this or all of those thoughts going through your head when actually you just want to. To just go and be you. So what was the crash? Was there a defining moment? There were, there were a few signs, illnesses and that sort of thing. But the thing that really turned it around for me was my very, very good friend Sarah, who I worked with landing a notebook on my desk one morning that said very tongue in cheek, live your best life or just look. Yeah. She looked at me and went, because I think you need reminding. Oh, my God. Now that is a good friend. And she was working at the same place as you and she could still see that you were struggling with some potential. She wasn't yet. Yeah, yeah. So that was that. A big wake up call. Yes. I went home, burst into tears. She's absolutely, she's absolutely mortified about. I was like, no, that was the thing. That was the changing point for me. She saved your life. Yeah. Yes, she did. Wow. That is what you call a good girlfriend, isn't it? So she could see something that was going on for you and just had the bravery to say, I can see you and this is what you need to do. Yeah, go and go and be you again. We're gonna pop to a break and when we get back, Kate's gonna tell us a lot more about what happened after that. Back in a mo. Welcome to women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic Women Awards with me, Stef Pasamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Meg Matthews. And I'm Carolyn Vanbiers. Join us for a brand new show on women's radio station. It's the Meg's Menopause Show. Yes, for the first time on radio, there's an entire show dedicated to the menopause. 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Join us on instagram and twitter. WomensRadiostation. That's WomensRadio stn or Facebook. Women's Radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hello, welcome back to Femaling. You are at Women's Radio Station. I'm your host, Nicole Goodman and I am joined with Kate Davies and we are talking about how midlife crisis can be the making of you. So, as you know, if you follow my work closely, I have had. I had a huge midlife crisis. I think I have mine quite early, but we'll get onto that. Mine was around from around the age of 37 to 41 and I'm now 43 and it really does feel like it's way, way, way behind me. Before the break, Kate was telling us about her crash and how it started to present itself. And so your good friend put a notebook in front of you saying, live your best life. And that was the moment. Yeah. So tell us what happened after that, Kate, so that I'll never forget the Feeling that was in my chest when she did that, because I just. There was this rush of anger. Oh, anger? Yeah, this rush of anger that she put it down on my desk. God. I really didn't think you were going to say anger. Yeah. Were you angry at her? No, no, but I was just angry, yeah. What were you angry at? Well, I'm not, am I? I'm not living my best life. What's that? All that. You angry at yourself? I was angry at myself, yeah. Aren't girlfriends good for that? Yes. Oh, gosh, yes. And of course, that was immediately replaced by. By. Oh, yeah, she's right. Of course she's right. It's like, now what? Yeah. Oh, God. Now I'm gonna have to actually deal with it because it's really here. Exactly. And as you say, she absolutely saved my life, my lovely Sarah. And she said, you need to go and see a doctor. You need to go and see a doctor because what's going on with you is not you. And you need to go and talk to somebody about this. Had the, you know, referral to OC Health, all the lovely things you do get with a proper job, somebody that actually phones you and talks to you and, you know, all that good stuff. I'm sensing that was about to be taken away, though. Well, yes, but again, it was the push I needed. Yes, it was absolutely. The push was probably a shove, actually, that I needed. And so I went to the doctor and they make you fill out that lovely form about, you know, your anxiety scale and your depression. I don't know, I've never filled out that form. Ah. Oh, gosh. Yeah. I wouldn't recommend it. I recommend being in a position that you have to fill it out. Can I just say, though, forms generally give me anxiety. So if I'm going there because of anxiety, I mean, that doesn't make any sense to me. That's just going to make it 10 times worse. Yes, exactly. So that's already a broken system. Well, yes, quite. And yes. So the doctor sort of looked at it and said, well, yes, I think we can say that this is severe anxiety and depression, which really hit me because that's really. That's, again, not me. You're a coper, right? Oh, yeah. You're a logistics manager. Like, you get stuff done. I get done, yeah. But also, I'm generally quite. Quite a positive person. I will always try and see the positive in any situation. I love having a laugh. I love, you know, I love enjoying life and I just wasn't. And it's Very brave. Can I just say that you took that moment from your friend and you actually took the advice and took this screaming sign that life was not right and that you wanted to go and fix it. Because I think there's many people that will have all these alarm bells going off in their head and they. They can ignore them until it probably gets to a point where you are suffering with such immense anxiety, such terrible depression or other things that are going on that you just can't bury your head in the sand anymore. So I really. I take my hat off to you for just taking that moment and saying, right, I need to. I need to sort myself out. And I was very brave and not everybody does it. Thank you. Thank you. She also thinks it's hilarious because I project managed my way out of. Out of work as well, that I got everything done, I got everything ticked off, got all of the documents I needed to get submitted and then went, right, I'm going to the doctor now. Yeah, right. Now I can collapse and eat while I'm so sobbing. Yep, it's three o'. Clock, we're due for a sob. Exactly. Time to fall apart. But that really was. I said a woman, female thing, isn't it? Isn't it? I'm just going to get everything done. Let me just make the dinner and then I'll go upstairs and have a cry. Melis, our lovely producer, is nodding as well. It's true. Yes. It's what we do. We schedule in our breakdown. Excellent. Okay, so you went to the doctor. Did they put you on pills and. Yeah, all that sort of stuff? Yeah, put me on all the pills and I went down a variety of different routes, talking to the sort of. The NHS talking therapies. It just wasn't. It wasn't for me. It didn't. It didn't feel right for me. Were you signed off work? Yes. Yeah. So I was signed off work for, I think, three months. In terms of two or three months, how are you in the everyday? Like, what was your state of being like? Numb, I think. Wow. So you weren't serious, I mean, seriously talking? I know we were laughing about it, but you weren't in a heap on the floor sobbing all day, every day. I mean, could you still function? Yes, but I think it's probably a little bit like when you've got a really thick cold and you can't hear properly and you've got no energy and you just feel like you're kind of actually wrapped in a duvet or something. It sort of felt a Bit like that. That everything felt very marshmallowy and not real. Okay. Yeah. I had. I had no energy. My clarity of thought had just completely disappeared. You've totally lost sense of yourself. Yeah, completely. I couldn't finish a sentence. There'd be days where I'd be halfway through a sentence and I'd just stop. And my poor husband, my long suffering husband, was he helpful? Was he supportive? Really, really incredibly supportive. Because I would like to say off the top, I had a cold this weekend and my husband, I wouldn't speak to him on Sunday because he wouldn't even offer me a cup of tea. Bloody D. Really? Yes. So Adam said he'd listen to this episode. If I'm talking. If I talk about him, I'm now talking about. You didn't even offer me a cup of tea. And then I want to say, so I'm not talking to you because you didn't offer me a cup of tea. So you guess what he says. Would you like a cup of tea? Like, no, Well, I don't want one now. So. Listen. Through my midlife crisis, my husband was. Honestly, if it wasn't for him, I don't think I would have got through it. And I'm so grateful for him. But I think it's very hard on your partner because they have such an emotional agenda attached to you. Falling apart. Yeah. Because they've got to pick up the slack. Yeah. So I asked that question with love and curiosity because it's hard on him too. Yeah. And I know it was hard on Adam and I think because he's seen me through my midlife crisis, now if I get a cold, he's just not interested. Exactly. You cope with us. Get over yourself. Exactly. The minute I start sneezing, he's like, oh, God, here we go. Anyway, I digress. Apologies. So he was really supportive. Oh, incredible. So you've got the duvet over your head. You're very muffled going through life. How long did that last? Definitely a couple of months. Definitely a couple of months. Even. Even when I. When I was sort of started going onto the tablets. And they did. They definitely did help. There's no question about that. For me, they were definitely the right. The right choice. And then I also started trying to get some. Some proper help. What were you asking yourself? Like, what was the dialogue you were having with yourself at the time? Do you remember? I think there was. I was beating myself up an awful lot about failure. Oh, okay. That, Well, I couldn't even keep. Keep a normal job and. Oh, you Couldn't do the. The proper job in a version. Oh, you. And, you know, what, what. What sort of role model was I being for my children? What sort of. What sort of person was I being? And then I. And I don't know what it was that shifted, but I just thought, no. Oh. Oh, yeah, no, no, enough. Yes. And I started claiming my anxiety and I started just going and doing things that I wasn't. Wasn't quite expecting. Random example, though, there are a few of the mums at school who I hadn't really spoken to. And I think the reason I didn't. I hadn't spoken to them was because. Because they had something that I didn't have, which was freedom or your perception of that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Freedom from. Oh, I don't know the answer to that question. That's a good one. If they just. They. They are. They. And they are, you know, that they are now. They're now two of my very best friends, these two. These two ladies. And that they had a freedom about them. Maybe that was. Maybe that's the point. That they are comfortable in their own skin. Yes. And, well, they weren't weighed down with the anxiety and the depression and the midlife crisis and not knowing who you are. No, although. Or your perception of. No, exactly. But interestingly so, I sought these two ladies out and said, look, we haven't spoken. I'd love to go for a coffee with you or something. Had coffee with them both separately, where they both revealed that they also had anxiety and were on similar medication and. Etc, etc, etc. Well, I was gonna say, like, I'll guarantee that they're not free of themselves and they might have a freedom that you don't have, or they might not be struggling with what you're struggling with. But as human beings, and especially as women, we all have our inner demons. Yeah. All of us. And we're all kind of fighting through them. Some are more than others, but nobody is. And this makes me really sad. Like, nobody is totally free of themselves. No. And that, to me, is what enlightenment is. Being free from yourself and free to do and live however you want to live. That's total freedom. And I don't think that. Well, I haven't met anybody that. Unless they're like a shaman living on an ashram somewhere. But I haven't met anybody that. That has that. I think I have it sporadically. I do have it occasionally for like a minute, you know, a mad minute. A mad minute. A mad, marvelous, magical minute. But it's fleeting because Then you come back down to anyway. So that's, that's my. And I, and I say that because I think what you've pointed to is something so important that women and I can't talk for men on this. But women look at other women in a way that, just full of comparison and full of sometimes envy or that they have and maybe not envy is the wrong word, but just, oh, they have what I don't. How do they do that? And then we make ourselves less than. And what you pointed to in the last, in the last part was that you then suffer with a sense of lack. Yeah. And I think that comes primarily from what our perception is of other people because it's never built on reality, it's built on our perception. We're going to cut to a break and when we come back, Kate is going to tell us even more. 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I'm your host, Nicole Goodman and I am joined by the lovely Kate Davies and we are talking about midlife crisis and why it was the best thing to ever happen to Kate. Kate, welcome back. Thank you very much. We were just saying in the break how I loved that you, what you said about that you were struggling with failure. I didn't love that you were struggling with failure. But the important, the part that you were pointing to about it is that you, you said to yourself, I can't do a proper job, therefore I am a failure. And what we then both just started to talk about was how, well, you weren't meant to do a proper job, were you? That's why you didn't do it. Not because you failed at it, but because you are meant to do something else. Yes, yes. The universe was telling me and finally I started listening. You started listening? So, so you'd met these girls, you started to get some support that you needed. You started. When did you start to feel a bit better? I think it's, I think it's a gradual thing, but I think it's also the feeling of there is another way. So, so I started to have some hypnotherapy. I contacted you. You did because. Well, I initially contacted you actually because I was, I was looking at coaching and thinking, actually, this, this could be, this could be another way around. This could be something that ties everything that I've done. So far in my life together, therefore I haven't failed at any of them. It was bringing me to something. Yeah. And obviously, obviously having known you for quite some time and followed you on social media and having that conversation with you and I remember you saying, well, have you got a coach? No. Right, okay, so we're going to talk next week. You can't be a coach if you don't have a coach. You cannot be a coach if you don't have a coach. And I think, and I think you were a massive part of the change for me. You really were just being able to claim myself back. To be clear. I think by the time we started talking and I started coaching you, you weren't, you didn't seem in the duvet phase. No, the duvet had come off, hadn't it? So you'd already done a lot of work yourself. Yes. I have to say I discovered listening to books on audible and I started listening to all of the self help books that I think previously I would have just written off as just nonsense. You realize the power of them when you need them. Yeah. I went on holiday and, and I'd forgotten my glasses. So therefore I had to start listening to audible because I didn't, couldn't read. And I started listening to Mel Robbins and one evening I'd obviously fallen asleep listening to it. For people that don't know who Mel Robbins, just give us a quick. Sorry. Yes. So Mel Robbins is, is an American coach and she now does a daytime TV show. But she's very, no nonsense. She's very, very, she's very upfront, she's very, she's very direct, isn't she? She's very like, right, come on, just get up, do it. She's all about the mindset shift. She's very much about the mindset shift and taking, taking control of your life in the right way, letting, making you control your life rather than the other way around. So there were certain tools that were coming in handy. Obviously we started talking. So you got yourself a coach. You were listening to a lot of self development books and you were doing the work yourself. You were kind of feeding your mind, would you say? Yeah, yes, I think that's, I think that's fair. That I was able to see a different way. I was able to see a different way of thinking actually of being. And that this didn't mean failure. This didn't mean. This was just another chapter. I just want, I just want to clear something up. You were able to do this once the duvet had come Off. And I think that's such a beautiful analogy, this duvet phase, because that's part of it and that's an essential part of it for you to go deep into what you were feeling and then being able to say, right, okay, I might be ready for something else. Now I'm going to take the duvet off and I'm going to look in other areas where I wouldn't ordinarily look. Yes, it's a process, isn't it? As you said before. Yes. And I think that's a really good point, actually looking at in other areas that I wouldn't have done before, reading or listening to those. Because you didn't need them at that time. Didn't need them. But I also wonder whether we, whether we don't necessarily have time or give ourselves permission to have time, that if we are, if we are, if we have a career, if we have a family, particularly if you have both, you don't have time. You don't give yourself the time and the headspace to think of a different way around because you've got, you know, as we said before, you've got to sort of manage your breakdown, haven't you? You've got to get the tea on, feed the dogs, but you put a load of washing on. Leave the to do list in case it's a long one. You're laughing, but this is really resonating with me. Like there were times where I would do that I would literally put the kids dinner on, get them by the table eating, and then I would go upstairs and cry. I would literally schedule it in. Yeah. And you and I are definitely not alone in that. No, definitely not. But I think it's Melissa's nodding too. Yeah, but it's also. It's giving yourself permission. Yeah. Okay. I've ticked off all the things on my to do list. I can. I can now go and I can now go and cry. I can now go and stand in the shower so no one can hear me cry. So, okay, so things were starting to change and more importantly, you were starting to look at things differently. So your. The dialogue that you were having with yourself was changing. Yes. That's really the most crucial part, isn't it? And I think the big difference for me was, was maybe because. Because I'd had that crash thinking, well, I can start again now. Oh, that feels like loads of possibility, isn't there? Yeah. That this is not. This isn't the end. So the whole start, the whole conversation about, is this it? Well, no, it's not because I've had that crash. You know, the sort of. What's the worst that can happen? Had sort of happened. You know, I mean, nobody died, thankfully, but, you know, I was on medication and signed off work for depression and severe anxiety. Okay. So I've ticked that box very firmly. Let's move on, shall we? Yay. I did it. And I did it with bells on. I'm not a failure. And that's something very true of me. If I do something, I do it properly. And I think that's. But that was the shift for me, that there is something else out there, there is something new that I can try. And I think that, to me, is the crux of why. It was the. It was the making of me. Yeah. That I. Beautiful. That I'd spent so many years doing all the things that everybody expected of me and doing things for people. And, you know, my children, my family don't resent any of that for a minute, but I get to be me now. And having that. Having that time. Having that time to be able to reflect and discover and challenge myself, speaking to people that I wouldn't have spoken to, thinking I find them. I find them intimidating. Why do I find them intimidating? I'm going to go and find out. Yeah. Because it's not nothing to do with them. No, no. Absolutely nothing to do with them. They're probably killing themselves laughing when they hear this. Absolutely killing themselves laughing. Why was I intimidating? That was the headspace you were in. Yeah, that was it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And your point's extremely valid. One that we don't know where everybody else is. We've no idea where everybody else is. And the Persona that people put out there is a very different one. And we only come from our own lens. We can only see life from the lens in which we are looking through. Finished. I mean, that is the biggest lesson I have ever learned in life, and I don't always apply that. But. But it's a vital one. Yeah, absolutely. And I think we need to remind ourselves of that as well. Yeah. This is our daily reminder, Kate. Yes. There you go. You can have that. Okay. So you're starting to feel a bit better. You've got practices in place. You've got support in place. Then what happened? I think it's, as I say, it is a gradual thing, but being able to start to reclaim myself. And I'm sort of. I was thinking about this this morning. Was I reclaiming myself or was I reinventing myself? I think you've got Gwan. I don't know why or were you finding yourself. Yes, because I think the me I was 15 years ago, Haring around conference venues and staying up at 3 o' clock in the morning, sticking things to other things with your husband probably going, why are we not allowed to sleep? She's talking about the event industry. I am, yes. Sorry. That could have gone very wrong. That would sound really weird. Sticking things to things with your husband. Yes. For the event industry. We were up too late getting things sorted for other people. Other people again, that me is a very different me to now and I love them both, but they're not the same person. And it's funny, isn't it, because in part one, you said you wanted to go back to you and actually what you're now saying is there was no going back. It was, who am I now? Yes. And you're never going to be the person that you are 15 years ago to the person that you are today, because we evolve. That's how. That's how human beings work. Yeah. If it's working properly, then, yes. But I think that was a big part for me, was that I was stuck and I wasn't moving forward. And that's where I think that came. So now you've got all of this juicy possibility about, who am I now? What do I want now? What does my life look like now? I mean, that's a massive shift. Yes. From the duvet. Huge, huge shift. The sun. The sun's come out again. The sun's come out again. And I think that's what. That's why I love my. Make every day like a Sunday. Friday afternoon. Yeah. Not a Wednesday. Wigan. Apologies to anyone from Wigan. Apparently they do very good pies. Someone told me. Genuinely. Someone from Wigan. Yeah. But your wet Wednesday and Wigan had been removed now. Yes. And now you've got the sunny. Yeah. Friday afternoon that you're offering to everybody. Exactly. And so was that what happened? You thought, right now I'm going to put all of my skills together and create a job that works for me and for other people. Yes, exactly that. We're going to cut to a break and then we're actually going to hear about the work that you do and the work that you do offer to other people. Back in a minute. Welcome to women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's Radio station. Hello and welcome to. Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's Radio station supporting women's Women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Meg Matthews. And I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Join us for a brand new show on women's radio station. It's the Meg's Menopause Show. Yes, for the first time on radio, there's an entire show dedicated to the menopause. A fresh new approach where we inform inform you of all the choices and treatments that are out there, supportive and empowering. 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Welcome back to the Femaling Show. You are at women's radio station. I'm your host, Nicole Goodman. I'm joined by Kate Davies, and we're talking about midlife crisis. So before the break, Kate told us the lovely shift that she had in her midlife crisis and how she started to reclaim herself and started to live the life that you chose. Yes. Choice is a good word, isn't it? Yes, Isn't it? It's a really powerful word. So, because the title of this is My Midlife Crisis is the Making of Me. Can you sum up why now after everything you've told us, why was your midlife crisis the making of you? So I think. I think having. Having my midlife crisis got me to a point where, where I had to make a change. And it wasn't a change that it was a change. It was a change that was just. That had. Had to come and I had to make that choice for myself. But I think this is. I think this is where I think the midlife crisis term's been around since the 60s. And I don't think it's the. I don't think it's the same thing anymore. I think years ago, you know, the sort of the. The old adage about men would go off and buy a sports car or have an affair with their secretary and women would retreat into the kitchen with a bottle of gin and wait till it was all over. I don't think that's the case anymore. I think it can be sometimes. Yeah, well, I think that's still happening. Yes, I think you're probably right. I think it is. So what's the difference then? What do you see? I see that we now, particularly as women of our age, as I said, I'm 47, we have so many more options. When we were growing up and when our parents were going through this, we were still. There was still a path that we were expected to take and the, the jobs that we could take were more. Still more limited. I mean, I trained to be a lawyer. I was, I was. That was fine. But then there was an expectation that I would. That I would stop and have children and go and be a family lawyer. And we were limited. We were limited. And we're not now. No, by a number of things. Not. Not least because I think awareness of mental health has, has increased enormously. And, and being able to admit that, that, that you have mental health problems, it also helps enormously. The shame has, is dissipating still There, you know, as we were just. You and I were just saying during the break when I. When I said to friends that I was coming on here to talk about my midlife crisis, some were actually shocked. Why would you want to talk about that? Well, why do you want to talk about it? Because I think it's. I think it's incredibly empowering for me. It's been an incredibly empowering experience. If you'd asked me that six months ago, I'd have just. Well, I'd have laughed at you from behind my duvet. Well, the thing is, as you said, it is a process and it's gradual. It is gradual, isn't it? I can look back now, and I really am looking back at my midlife crisis and say, yes, it's the most. It's the biggest gift that's ever happened to me. It's the most empowering thing that's ever happened to me. I'm in total agreement with you. But it's taken me to get so removed from it, to see it, even when I was getting better, because there are. There were times when I'd started my coaching course and I was. I was very much out of the duvet phase and out of the anxious, depressed stage, but I was still. I was still grappling with it. I was still learning from it. I was still kind of in the throes of it. I was just at a different stage of it. Yes. Whereas now it's in my past. It's solidly in my past. It's done. It's wrapped up. It's a part of me, a part of me that I'm actually very proud of. Never thought I'd say that, because it makes me the woman that I am today. And it gives me so much more empathy, compassion, so much more tools and practices, because I've had to go through it myself, like you did. I had to find the things that worked for me in order to keep my sanity and to keep my head above water. And I get to bring that into my coaching practice now. Yes. And into my radio show. Yes, exactly. And that pride is really important as well. Pride in yourself. And again, I don't think. I don't know that we. Particularly when you have children, you know, you're expected to be proud of your children. Of course you're proud of your children and you're proud of this. But do you ever feel that you are necessarily proud of yourself? Is that still too selfish an attitude? And being able to reclaim that and say, no, I'm doing this for me. This is me. This is me now showing up. What are you. What are you proud of now? I'm going to use one of your phrases, actually. I'm living my truth. I am living who I am. I still have days where I want to hide under the duvet. I still have days where I really don't have my big brave pants on. But I listened to something before on the route here and it said, my life looks like mine. Yes. That was beautiful. Yes. And I. And I nodded just like you did. Yes. Yes. My life really does look like mine. Yes. And would you say if someone on the outs on the outside was looking at your life, would they know it was yours? Because it does. It just. Does it describe you? Yes. Yeah, very much so. And you've created that. Yes, exactly. So tell us how you now bring this into your. Your new business. So I think, as your teachers always said, you had. You know, when you write, you have to write from a place that you know. You have to write the story that you. That you know and you understand. And so I work, I generally work with people who are in their, in their, in their middle ages, 35 to 55, where they running their own business. I love working with creative people. Most of my career has been working with creative people. And as another part of my. Of my midlife crisis, I've also been able to claim my creative side as well. I'm not just about spreadsheets. I'm also about spreadsheets, but I'm not just about spreadsheets. And you're telling yourself that. Yeah, I mean, you're totally telling yourself that. Yeah, completely. And so I have. I've recognized that I have this relatively unique balance of I do have a creative side. I do have. I do have my wild artistic side. And I also love an Excel spreadsheet. I also love strategy, and I love all of the. All of the things that a lot of my furiously creative friends just don't understand at all and shy away from massively. And so I'm able to help people who have a creative business, so photographers, florists, wedding planners, artists, potters, all sorts of things to be able to claim their business. They went into their business because they have a passion for doing it, but not necessarily a passion for business. That's something that other people do. And so I'm able to kind of use that balance that I found in myself to be able to offer them the other side of that coin, but in a way that doesn't feel threatening and doesn't feel oh, God, she's talking to me about accounts now. Oh, but don't do that. Or forms. Yeah, exactly. I'm sitting here thinking, God, I bet you'd be great for me. Thank God you're in my life. I hate all that sort of thing. So tell us, can you sum it up the biggest part of what you learned going through this whole process? I'm going to read you a quote, if I may, please. I love the quote from the beautiful Brene Brown, who I know you, you adore. In fact, I think you introduced me to. So thank you again. That's pretty life changing. And my apologies because I've scribbled this on the train, so if I. If I fluff it, it's because I can't read my own writing. So. Brene Brown says people may call what happens in midlife crisis a crisis, but it's not. It's an unraveling when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're supposed to live, to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are. And I think that's. I think that's absolutely it. My midlife crisis has given me the ability, even the permission. I've given myself the permission to be who I am, not who I felt I was supposed to be. And that's an amazingly empowering feeling. It's magic. It's total. I mean, that is the biggest gift anyone can give to themselves is the allowance. And you said permission. Your eyes lit up as you said it. To be you. Yeah. In. In all that you are. Yes. In all that you are and all that you offer. And you said it a few times through this chat that everything was pulling you in a different direction, wasn't it? Everything was sitting badly with you and uncomfortable with you and bringing up rage and frustration and depression and anxiety because it just wasn't your path. Yes. You weren't supposed to do this proper job. No. This nine to five thing. I also have a Brene Brown quote. Isn't that funny that we both. Well, it's not that funny. Synchronicity. What we don't need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human. I know, I know. And the other one was Ilse Brene Brown. One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through, and it will be someone else's survival guide. Isn't she amazing? Oh, my goodness. I know. I love her. And I love the first one. What we don't need in Midst of struggle is shame for being human. Yes. I mean, I say to you, listening at home, if there is something that you are struggling with and that Kate's story has resonated with you in some way, which I'm sure it has, be easy on yourself, be kind to yourself, show yourself the compassion and know that we all go through it, but we don't all talk about it. And there's, you know, there's two women sitting in this studio that have definitely gone through it upside down, back to front and inside out and have lived it. And there is beauty on the other side. Yes. There is a gift on the other side. You just got to be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself and trust that you are being guided in the way towards your life purpose. Yes. Come on in. The water's lovely. Ah, join us. It's a lovely club. And so for those people that were shocked that you were sitting here talking about it, I hope they listen to it and now understand wholeheartedly why you wanted to talk about it. Because what you brought today is truth, as you said, beauty, vulnerability and yourself. Thank you. And I thank you so much for being here. It's been a total joy to walk with you hand in hand through your story. Thank you for having me. Oh, thank you so much. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education, and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website, womensradiostation.com for more information. Hi, everyone and welcome to the Femaling Show. I am your host, Nicole Goodman, and I am a woman's identity expert and coach. As women, we fall into different phases of identity through our adult life and during these, our challenges can look pretty similar. Here at wrs, I will be talking to you about the real issues we all face and even the ones we can silently struggle with. Through honest, heartfelt conversation here at Femaling, you will learn how to accept yourself, understand yourself, and be yourself. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station, its Mother's Hour. 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