Free Your Mind – Michelle Rhames

Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Free Your Mind, Let's Talk About It with LKJ. I always love this show, love everything about it, because for one, it's about mental health and helping people. And when we get people come on this show, a, the, the wonderful speaker, um, that's coming on to our show— I say speaker because she's an international keynote speaker around the world. So we are so lucky to have her on our show this week. And thank her, you know, for ourselves, we thank her so much for sponsoring this show, um, for Free Your Mind, Let's Talk About It with LKJ at www.womensradiostation.com, the multi-award-winning show that through the sponsorship We can help people suffering with mental health. We're there for you. And the people that come through on my show are there to help you. And these are exceptionally, exceptionally amazing people. And because they've walked, most of them, in adversity, they're there to help. This lady that I'm going to bring in, I call her my little fairy godmother. She truly lights up my life when I see her. How she's battled through mental health adversity herself, to when she took on the stage for the Sean Fair leadership tour in Michigan, Detroit, Michigan, and she got on that stage, this tiny beautiful lady, resulted where tears just ran and ran down my face that I had to get up and gasp. But you know what she's bringing to you here? So anybody, when you see this show, I want you to get comfortable, I want you to get relaxed, but I also want you to have a tissue ready. Beware that it could be trigger alerts that come from this, and we have to be careful of these triggers, and there they are. But I'm just going to tell you for The listeners, a little bit about this lady that's coming on. Her name is Elle Michelle Brains. She's the founder and CEO of Hey Beauty Lifestyle Enterprises, LAC, a company that offers aftercare coaching services and relationship advice for women and men who have been victims of the horrific grip of narcissistic abuse. She's also a motivational speaker dubbed as the world's most— I'm pleased because I do suffer with dyslexia— Dissatisfied Wife of a Ghost. The speaker, which they talk about on the internet about, is El Michelle, tackles sensitive issues that affect people from all over the walks of life. I'm going to bring Elle-Michelle in because we only have an hour, and for most Americans, as we know, when they do radio, we get a short 7-8 minutes normally on shows like that, everyone doing their own podcast. But here for mental health, we really believe in getting the full impact of their story out to help you at home. So on that note, El-Michelle Reims, it is an absolute honor to have you here. Thank you for sponsoring this show. Thank you for getting your voice out to the UK for people that haven't heard your story. So can I just get you just to explain a little about yourself so that the listener can get in tune with your voice and, you know, to bring everybody down ready to tell the story? Hi, Lady Kendall. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. I really appreciate all that you do as far as in the mental health field and helping to get the word out and to get people acclimated to what mental health is and what abuse is, any type of abuse. So I appreciate you. My name is Elle Michelle Rains. I am a narcissistic abuse aftercare coach and a lifestyle strategist. Um, I am dubbed the blueprint, um, of narcissistic abuse as I have created the first Narcissistic Escape Guide. And it's, uh, uh, something to help women and men. I wouldn't— one for men and for women, to help men and women, um, to impact and empower women and men who have been victims of narcissistic abuse, and also to teach them how to recognize realize and to regain their power after narcissistic abuse. I'm a 23-year survivor. 23 years of narcissistic abuse. I wonder how many listeners at home are now tuning in to the voice of Elle Michelle Rames. 23 years of abuse. Are you still sitting at home on that couch wondering How did she break free? But she has a method that will help you break free, whether you're a male or female. This is the person in the world to connect to, to get out. So I need you, for the listeners, to totally, totally tune in, replay this as many times as you want, simply because she works with a program a secret program, which we have in ways for you to believe you are enough, you're not worthless, and you can move on. Now, Michelle, um, can I take you back please? As we free your mind, we like to go back to the very beginning because, you know, um, from when you were born, taking you through, you know, from parents, you know, childhood stuff like, just to help the listener understand because there's usually a pattern we find as mental health advocates, and when we work with mental health, that, you know, did you have anything like this happen in your childhood that led you to become vulnerable? And because narcissists seek out the vulnerable, so can we start from where you was born, children, life at school, parents, etc., up to the age of 16? Can you just take us through that part of your life? Sure, sure, of course. I was born in Wilmington, North Carolina. I was— I'm the oldest of two. I had both parents in the home. We were middle, middle-class family. We were very devout Christians. I still am a believer. I, um, I grew up in an age where there was still some division as far as, uh, racially. So I grew up in a place where there weren't as many people that looked like me, and, um, it was kind of hard to kind of maneuver. So when we're looking at that, so what was life like at home? Because, you know, you were a middle-class family, you know, devout Christians, being the eldest of two, you know, you say you were the first out there to tread the waters that we often find when we're doing that, that the second child or third child that comes along It doesn't get as tough as the first child because you're the one that— parents, nobody teaches you parenting, you have to teach it yourself going through. And obviously by seeing that, you know, work— as if I was to profile this, I'm looking at middle class, you know, working hard, church, going to church. But because the village, you know, we call it a village, excuse it, my English on that, because obviously being American, you would be more of a town, small area, small towns that you would, you know, we would refer as a village. But being in there, that there wasn't many like you. So did you suffer racial abuse when you was growing up? Yes, in my school there wasn't a lot of, like I said, people who look like me. And so, like, I was typically the only one, like, in different things. Like, I was the only Black cheerleader, the only Black person in student government, you know, it was just always the only one. And then you kind of get the, you know, the stares, and you get the different, um, that tension, um, you know, between the differences. And, um, it was really hard. But if you wanted to, to be anybody, you wanted to do anything, or you wanted to make a difference in the community, you had to be that one. Had to be that sacrificial lamb. So I ended up being a sacrificial lamb because I knew what I wanted at a very young age. I've always had the heart to help and the heart to heal, and, um, you'll understand later on why, um, that is, you know, that is still a burning desire for me. But yeah, that's, that's how I kind of grew up. So growing up, you know, as you said, being the one that stood out But God made you stand out for a reason because of your voice. God made you stand out and empowered you with your Christian belief that, you know, to come through those challenges, to strengthen you, because obviously you would have suffered some form of bullying. How did your parents deal with it? Your father, for instance, you know, did you— was your younger sibling, was it male or female? Um, my younger sibling is female. So, um, there was your mother, your— and the two girls, and your dad was the only, um, testosterone in that household. And how was your father to you? Was he strong? Was he strong but calm? And with your family, did you ever see any form of, um, narcissistic abuse in that household? Um, my dad was pretty quiet. He was pretty laid back. He didn't do a lot of talking. He was— he, he did the— like, if my mom wanted to discipline us, then, you know, he would kind of follow her lead. Um, he, he was, uh, he was stern yet but quiet. And I don't even— I don't know if that can be in the same place, but he was— he was a a stern, quiet person. Um, if he felt like he needed to get in there and to discipline us, um, then he'll go ahead and do what he needed to do as a man. But the thing about it is, when you talk about was there any narcissistic abuse there, I'm quite sure that every— everyone has a trait, some type of trait, but everyone can't be, um, diagnosed with narcissistic narcissistic abuse, or I'm sorry, narcissistic personality disorder, NPD. You know, I know that there probably was some type of trait there at some point. I don't, I don't know. Um, but I'm not saying that there was anyone narcissistic in my family because there wasn't. But what, because of what I think that I was dealing with internally, because like I said, I was trying to do, you know, do things in life, you know, even at a, as a young person, you know, dealing with the different things going on. And, you know, while I was young, there was a gap there. There was something there. I was searching for something. And I believe that out— things basically, things happen outside of my family, and, um, that ended up making me vulnerable. I was molested at a very young age, and so, um, I believe that that probably was the open door to, um, the vulnerability. Wow. So I'm just going to go back for the listeners, you know, because while they take that in, because it's very empowering, you need to open up and start freeing your mind for that, you know. So we start to build this picture from your father. So the only man you've grown up in, in— as we just go back, um, middle class Christian, you know. Elder too, there's only a female, just your father in there. He was always picked out, you know, being the only Black cheerleader. But you were actually the sacrificial lamb in that community. There was pain that had to be inflicted on a person. You as a Black person, you were going to be inflicted with pain because you stood out, because you was good at what you were doing. It didn't matter. But even though you were growing in your strength with that, it didn't matter. But you didn't witness anything else. So the person you looked up to was your father. You know, he was quiet, he did his job, you know, and it was a beautiful family. But then, you know, by looking at that, to be going out and then to be molested at a very young age, which you said opened the door to your vulnerability. May I ask, was that a Black person or a white Caucasian? No, it was an African-American person, yes. And if it's not too difficult while we go through that, you know, for people understanding truly what happened, because this is a huge red flag that happened to you that started— and if it's— please say no if you don't want to proceed on it, but If you do, is it okay to cover that, or would you like to move on? Um, it's okay, it's okay to cover it. Um, I cover it in parts of, um, my classes, the information that I give out. I cover some of that because we have to deal with the root cause of some things, and not even necessarily causes but root, um, circumstances or generational curses. We do deal with that. So I do, um, I go into it a little. Um, not so much that it would trigger, but to go into it enough so that we can kind of find out if that is a, um, you know, that is one of the parts of the root causes. So yes, you're okay. I'm okay. Okay, so for people at home and the listeners, we are going to be covering, um, a sector that, you know, for triggers, etc. And again, as I said when I opened this show, And my show is incredible to help people to be free from narcissism and break this and know when that first red flag comes through. A great friend of ours, which we both know, is Dr. Emwood, and she's very much in a— once that dog bites you, might be a little snip, he's going to come back and bite you again. It's going to savage you. So we have to look at breaking these things down in how We truly can help our own mental health. From somebody that's come through, because although you suffered mental health all your life from a small child, not from your family, but from people in the town with their racism and attacking you, to have that and fighting that off. So from, for your childhood, which should be nice, relaxed, and enjoying life, and yes, it's a learning journey with teenage stuff, We're going— how old was you when you was molested? I'm 6 years old. 6 years old? Yes, it started at 6 and then it kind of graduated up until like I was in high school and then it stopped after that. So from being a 6-year-old, it's like, you know, I was expecting, you know, building this profile up and seeing you going through that, what you were dealing with. But from 6 years old to be molested, that had to be a friend of the family or family member, right? It was close to the family, but yeah, because it's always someone that you trust. So at 6 years of age, and he started, as we know, the molesting, starting to touch, feel in inappropriate places. That is wrong. That you don't know at 6 years of age, you don't know what they're doing. Correct. But as you got older, did it become that— did it lead to rape? Um, in undergraduate school, yes, because the thing about it is you are very vulnerable. And, um, like you said, people can recognize certain things. You know, you try to protect yourself as much as possible, and you do that as much as possible, um, you know, learning from what you would consider a mistake and your fault. So you're learning from that, and you— I mean, you're just, you're kind of like, let me see, it's like every day it's a, it's a challenge. You learn something new every day. You're trying to make sure that you are doing everything possible to make sure that you're protected, you know what I mean? So it's like you're vulnerable at that point, so you're going to be a target. People can smell it a mile away. It's a— it's something about that vulnerable person. And I would consider myself as an empath because I, I have deep feelings for other people. I care about other people. I want to help other people, you know, because I went through it and didn't know what I was doing. I was making all these mistakes and trying to protect myself. So with that, you're the only person you got. Did your parents, Michelle, not notice a change in you as you go from 6 years of age to finally being raped by this close member of your family? Did they not know, or did they turn a blind eye? No, they did. Um, I told my mother my mother first, because my mother always taught us, you know, someone touches you inappropriately, you know, this is from very young, you know, you tell. I will not say that I was not threatened not to tell, you know, I was threatened not to tell, but I told because my mom told us that's what to do. And so I told my mother, and my mother, you know, was very hurt, if that makes you mean— yeah, it was— she was very hurt, um, because she, you know, she obviously, she didn't believe it, you know, that some person, some person she trusted. And so with that, she kind of made changes with me as far as, you know, she made sure that, um, she took me to my grandmother's house and because that was a neutral place, you know what I mean, like So I was very close with my grandmother, and so my grandma was there with my grandmother as, you know, mom kind of, you know, maneuvered through how she was feeling and the family and my sister and everybody, my dad. So everybody was trying to, you know, kind of maneuver through this situation as best they could. So she knew, she, you know, everybody knew, and except for my little sister. My little sister didn't know. I'm sorry about that. She did not know. The rest of the family, our small family, knew. Not the extended family, but only us, only our little family knew. And, um, you know, like I said, my mom tried to, you know, maneuver the best way she could as far as, um, you know, trying to help me to process through it. Yes, so, um Were you ever left in, in a situation where he could come back and do it again? Um, when I was in high school, he kind of tried it, you know, tried me again, and, and that is when I, um, I was trying to physically protect myself at that point. And, um, and then I told him, I said, you know, you know, I'm older now and you can't do these, you know, like you can't do these things because I'm older now. And so that's kind of where that it kind of stopped everything. So he knew you had the power of your mind and had the power to say no, right? Did he ever then move on to your sister? Um, no, not that I know of. Um, she and I have talked about it before, and, um, I asked her and she says no, that no, he never tried. But that doesn't mean that he never tried with other, other people outside of us, our small family. Like, you know, you just never know because that is the pattern, that is the pathology of a person, um, with that type of mindset. Um, they typically, um, like young innocent, you know, submissive, unsuspecting people. If it— and, you know, typically it's a child because they are not able to function, um, properly, you know, in an adult life or in an adult way because it's based on how they grew up. Something had, you know, traumatic had to happen to them for them to take on the same pathology and to do it to someone else. That's typically how that works. Let me just, while you take a moment there and the listeners take a moment, and say well done for your mindset at that age to say no. But he'd scarred you already, how you felt. But did your father or brother report him to the police, or was it, no, we just keep this quiet? Was it because you know, being in the town, you know, that you were in, that you were already getting enough abuse, emotional abuse, from being Black, that your folks— because sometimes families like to, as you say, keep it within the family, within the four walls, you know, and 'Keep it like that, we'll deal with it,' and they tried to do it their own way. But as a man of your father, who was quiet and would steer his family in a way that, you know, the love that this was on, and he would pray to God. I could imagine your father praying to God, 'Why, why me, Sonny? I'm a good man.' Everything, please, you know, let this person not trespass against us. Again, for my daughters and protecting the other daughter, that this guy wants to again have a taste for it, they want more, and it leads to bigger crimes, which we know when I study criminology and profiling, what happens with that. Um, but did they report it to the police? Because I don't think they would. By building this picture, I wouldn't have thought they would. I thought they would have brushed it under the carpet. Not brushed it under the carpet so much because your mother quite rightly tried to keep you out of those situations, but it was still brushed within the carpet of your home so that it was a secret. Yeah, um, I'm, you know, I don't really know. I'm— as far as some calling the police, I don't know. I don't know all the details to that part. Um, however, I don't remember us, you know, us talking about it anymore. Um, when you get older, you don't— you think about, you know, because this is a every— like some people say, well, just get over it, you'll be okay. But they don't realize that, you know, when you've been through things like that, these are things and thoughts that are on your mind daily. And it's not that you're pondering on them, it's just that you're right, you realize that they're there and you recognize them because you have to always make sure that you keep yourself safe. And so with the idea of brushing it under a rug or doing anything like that, I don't know if— or maybe you can call it that. Um, I don't really— I can't really say that. But, you know, if you never talk about it again, then I would just say, okay, we know, you know, never really talked about it again. Um, being that young, you don't really know, uh, what steps are happening, what's processing it, you know, at whatever time. And I just kind of just didn't know. But like I said, as I got older and you think about it, you're like, hmm, Did we ever really talk about that? Did we ever really get past that? Did we ever process through that? Like, how did we process through it? So I can't really give you a definite, um, on that. I'm trying to— oh no, no, no, that's fine. It's just, um, some of the listeners, there may be questions that they may ask, you know, did they not do that? So I always look at You know, trying to get the answer back, all that situation. So after that stopped, so it stopped once, you know, you said no. How old was you? Because the high school, you know, obviously our school ages are very different to yours. So what— right, so after it all stopped, so you hadn't, you know, you started growing in yourself and, and, you know, try and move forward. So was life— so I'm going to move you now from 16 to 25. How was life then? You know, did you have boyfriends? You obviously knew stuff, you know, in that section. What was that part of your life like? Um, 25 is whenever I started undergraduate school. I actually graduated, you know, I was what, 17, 18 years old from high school. And I just didn't really know what I wanted to do at the time. You know, I, I, at first I wanted to do hair and all the fashion stuff and all that kind of stuff, and then I just changed my mind. Just, I just changed my mind. And so, um, I did do cosmetology at first, and I got my licensing and all of that kind of stuff. And then later on, um, you know, I started to feel kind of almost kind of empty in a way. You know, I know I'm just a person who always wants to be, you know, a, you know, someone in our community, someone helping our community and things like that. And I just couldn't sit still. And there was something that was burning inside of me, you know, for healthcare and things like that, for public health. And so I ended up going to undergraduate school at 25 years old. I am proud of that. That's why I tell anybody that, you know, it doesn't matter what— how old you are, doesn't matter what age you are, like, you can always start over. You can always do it again. Like, you can be someone. And that's just basically what I did at 25. I had just started undergraduate school. That was probably the most scary, most rewarding, happiest times. Of my life. Um, you know, the scary part is now I'm going to have to really start to communicate with people. I'm going to have to start to deal with people, like, you know, always around people because you're always in class, you're always around different people. And I'm like, okay, now how am I going to protect myself from all of this? Because you know, before school, before undergraduate school, I didn't have many boyfriends that, you know, I didn't have— I had friends, not many boyfriends. So with that, I'm saying to myself, like, have I even learned how to protect myself, you know, with a lot of different people? You know, um, you know, I'm coming from a little country town, so it's not, you know, I don't see a lot of people. But now I have to be in a place where I'm seeing different people different men, different this, different that. Like, how— like, how— and like, have I even learned how to protect myself? And it was just— it was traumatic for me, even though I wanted it, because I knew I wanted my degree. But it was still traumatic for me to be in that type of environment and not really know if I was protected or not. Like, am I going to be able to do this right? And it ended up I ended up in a situation where, you know, I was taken advantage of, and that's traumatic in itself. So it's like over and over again. Absolutely. So now we, um, for the viewers, we really have opened up and obviously starting to free Michelle, um, Ramesh. So we're going to cover this 23 years of living with of a narcissist. Could you tell the viewers in your words what is a narcissist? Tell them about the life you had and the narcissistic traits. There's people at home who may think, no, my partner isn't a narcissist. Can we run through that bit? Sure, sure. Absolutely. My definition, an easy definition, would be a narcissist is a person who has a grandiose ego who thinks that, uh, you know, he or she, um, is the know-all be-all. Um, nothing that you can say to them will change their mind about themselves. Um, you have narcissists that are extremely abusive. They are master manipulators. Um, this is a part of a disorder. You can have a disorder in which the person has the inflated sense of obviously self-importance. And then you have your narcissistic personality, and that's found more commonly, um, in men, which is NPD. So like I said early on, people can have narcissistic traits and they can have that grandiose feeling or that inflated self of self-importance. And then you can have a person that's actually diagnosed with narcissistic personality, which is found, you know, commonly in men, not that women can't. And this can, you know, this cause is kind of unknown, but people, you know, most doctors are saying that it's coming from type of some type of trauma. And the, this disorder, you know, it's not, you can't cure it. You can be treated as if you were going to say a psychologist or something like, or psychiatrist, um, per se, you know, for say schizophrenia, depression, those type of mental illnesses., but this is considered one of the ones that's under the cluster B. So that's a more easy way to define it, I hope. Yeah, I hope I wasn't confusing. No, it wasn't confusing at all, but I want to hear your story. I think that this is, you know, from what you're saying, was like So who was, you know, the person that abused you? Did you marry him? How did you meet him? How did you get 23 years of this? Because you've got definition of that, but, you know, if that's okay with you to hear your story, the story you told on that stage. Yes, I, um, I had a conglomerate of narcissists, um, that I became very close with and I actually married one. And so in my story, I tell, tell the audience, um, that, you know, this is a person that I would consider his name to be him. He doesn't have a real name. He is just him because of the way that I was treated for those many years. There are men that I associated myself with, dated, you know, if you want boyfriend, girlfriend, or what have you, that were extremely manipulative, always trying to, you know, get something out of me, or always wanting to control everything, you know, from my clothes, from my hair, from what color my nails were. Everything had to be controlled. And then once they couldn't do that, then You know, that's whenever the physical part would come in, because that's the part that they feel like, okay, if I hit her, um, she'll be so afraid of me that she'll do whatever I ask her to do. Those were things leading up to— I hadn't gotten married yet, but these were still the signs. I kept getting the same person over and over again. So I would say it was a different face, but it was the same spirit. The same spirit I kept attracting. And I knew that that attraction came from my pathology, what I went through in my past. Those things were still following me, and I still had that residue on me where people could, you know, they could sniff you out, that you're easy to manipulate, that type of thing. So going through that, and then here I am getting married, and I'm thinking that I'm marrying the person, the love of my life, and all of that. And he started very, very small, you know, with the insults, um, of the, you know, the manipulation, uh, the, you know, financial abuse, that type of thing. So it, it, it went on and it went on, it went on. And the thing about it is it's like it goes in cycles, so that's where it keeps you so confused. And that's why, you know, people say, well, oh my God, why didn't she leave? And it's because you're in a confusing cycle all the time, you know. Like, they first love bomb you, and then you thinking that they're loving you and they want to be— they really want to be there. And then all of a sudden they're devaluing you and telling you that you're nothing, you know, not good enough. And, you know, they make you feel terrible, like your self-esteem is shot. And then they did— they basically, you know, discard you. They get rid of you for whatever time period. They'll leave you, or either they'll, you know, make it so hard for you that you'll leave. And then all of a sudden, the cycle starts back over again because now you're trauma bonded to that person. So it starts all over again from the love bombing. So that was a long time to have to go through those different cycles. And you're not understanding what it is, and you don't understand what you're in. But then, you know, one, just one day out of nowhere, I was just like, this cannot be normal, you know. And I went on Google, I sure did, and I put in the different things that he was doing to me, and I ended up, you know, coming across, you know, um, the narcissistic you know, characteristics. And then I just started to study. Like, I would go in my closet, in the back of my closet at night, and read and study and research and do those things, um, because I knew something was wrong. Okay, you all right, Michelle? Hello? Yes, I'm here, I'm here. Yeah, just having a drink. You know, for the listeners again at home, my advice is we are three-quarters of the way through this interview where I'm so proud of how Michelle Rohn's opening up because through her voice it is helping people at home. Where she went on to Google. It was like, this can't be right. They love you, they love bombing, you're the most beautiful princess. I'm so, you know, about that. Then they start ticking away at you, you know, giving you, um, abuse to despairing you, the insults, and then coming back going I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I didn't mean to do that, you know, I'm stressed at work doing this or that. Well, then you forgive them, comes the roses, come the niceness, treating you like that, see, forgiveness comes in. And then they'll do when, you know, because they are having problems with their own mindset, that'd be your fault. Perhaps there was a bill or something that came in, your fault the heating was too much, you're not doing this, you're not doing— so you've got the financial abuse come in, and then they would go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it. Then it comes in there, sometimes the physical abuse. Was you ever physically hit by him? Yes, yes. Um, like, you know, he would like— if say I was walking into a room or something like that and I didn't know, like, say he was near the door or near a corner Like, he would just haul off and hit me and just, you know, think like nothing of it, you know. And I'll just, you know, just be like, oh my God. And then so it started to make me feel like I had to walk on eggshells because I'm like, you— I just never knew when it was coming. And then when I started to kind of recognize certain signs, then I knew like, okay, he's getting ready to happen again or something like that. So It was, it was, it was, it was rough. So you could then obviously with Googling made your little list so that you could watch for things that went on. So when I had a drink, like, oh my God, I'm going to get this, or if you had people around, be really happy, smiley, as soon as they went he would start. Is that another part? Yeah, just for people at home, so you know, "You shouldn't have said that at the table," or "They did that," "Why did you do that?" And then comes the slap and the abuse, and we know how that leads. But you stood strong, and one day, having seeked out the information, how did you get out? Well, um, it was kind of hard for me because, um, he was always around, you know, he was always around. Even if I like— if I was on the telephone, he was right there wanting to see who I was talking to, what I was saying, different things like that. And then, um, because of that, I— because of what I was finding on Google when I would Google what I was finding in my research that, you know, going through this, you have to be really, really careful because you have to plan things out. Because if not, if you alert your abuser that you're trying to leave, that could put you in great danger. And see, an abuser is, you know, a person who loses control and loses that particular control over that person. They don't know how to handle that emotion. And so they end up killing that person because of how they're feeling. They feel like that person is an object of theirs to control. And so with that understanding, that part, I knew that I had to plan it out. And so I remember calling the battered women's shelter, shelters, and different things like that, um, getting information from them to see like what, what was in my control to do. Like, what, what, what did I have in my hands, like, I could work with? And so, you know, she was telling me, you know, if I needed to leave, this is how I had to leave. Like, I had to just leave with nothing, like, leaving everything behind and going with them. And then they would put me in a place, you know, a safe place, until I could you know, I guess be comfortable enough in my environment again, or I would just leave altogether. And so, so it took me a little while to pinpoint the times when he was like, was going to be home, and I had, you know, when he was going to be sleeping, when he was going to be up working, when, you know, all those different times I had to document and know like what was going on. And took a couple of months for me to do that. And so, um, when I did that, uh, I ended up— he was asleep, it was almost like 3-something in the morning, and, um, I got my— I had a suitcase packed and I had, you know, just one suitcase and the clothes I had on my back, and I just got my car and I drove, um up a little ways. And then that is when, you know, one of the ladies— I called one of the ladies to let her know that I was going, and she was like, okay, you can go ahead. And that's when I went to, um, to Raleigh, North Carolina. That's when I went to my little safe, safe place or what have you. And that's whenever everything started happening as far as, um you know, us be going our separate ways. So obviously planning, slowly not trying to draw attention to the situation, slowly building your plan, ready for your strength to go. Um, because it was just about walking out the door and getting there. And in the UK, um, We have situations similar as we do all around the world, but when you go, you can't have any contact— they do in the UK— for 6 months with any families, nothing. So basically, when you tell your family not to say anything, this is where I'm going, and 6 months' time when they've sorted that, they can come back and they deal with that. Is that similar in the United States with It is. And why is it 6 months and not a year or like 2 years, you know, like when you get witness protection? So you move completely to a different town, uh, different cards, they give you different bank cards, everything like that to keep them away. So it's similar? Yes, yeah, it is. It's 6 months. Um, I don't really know why it's 6 months, but it is 6 Okay, no, that's fine. I've just, you know, got quite a few questions there. Um, so when doing that, did he try and hunt you down? Did they tell you after he tried to hunt you down where he'd gone? Did he go to family members? Did he hurt family members trying to find you? Yes, yes, um, definitely he was trying to find me. Of course he was calling, um, a lot. And, um, I just, you know, wouldn't either, you know, I would respond some, some calls I would respond and then some I just didn't. And then, um, after every, you know, I just stopped responding altogether. Then of course, you know, he would go on social media or he would try to call friends of ours and things like that. But, you know, that went on for a little while, but it You know, it finally stopped, and then I would sporadically, uh, hear things from him, but then, uh, he just kind of stopped altogether. So I haven't heard from him, uh, in a long, long, long time. Did you have any children with your husband that needed to be protected as well? Um, and no, we didn't have any children. Okay, no, that's fine. Um, now after that 6-month period, you know, for people listening at home, and you, you know, broke that pattern, did he find you after? Um, there was one time that he did. Um, I was in my home and I was, um I think I was putting— making the bed. It was something I was doing in the, in the bedroom, and I just kind of looked out the window and I saw his car, uh, parked in the parking lot of, of my new apartment. And, um, I knew that was him. And yeah, I knew it was him. And he just sat out there. He sat out there for a long time, and I just kind of didn't, you know, let him know that I that I could see him. And, um, I just stayed up in the bedroom and kind of peeked out the window. And then, you know, later on I kind of looked out there again and he was gone. So that was, you know, one time. So you didn't come to see— you just came once to see what went on, just like the warning that I know where you are and I'm watching, right? It's still fear again, no matter where you go, whatever you do. Right. But he never came back after that, no? No, he never did. So when that situation happened, did you stay where you was or did you move on? I did move. I had to move. Yeah, so because of the leak in there, the organization moved you immediately out and got you away so that nothing happened. I never saw him after that. Yeah, right, right. I've never seen him again since that. Um, one time I knew that, um, I saw that he had followed me on social media and I blocked him. So I knew that was maybe about 4 years ago. Sorry for interrupting, Anna. So all the authorities in America, they were very aware, so they were alerted, so he would have been visited because there would have been restraints and everything, orders, you know, protection orders that we would have in the UK, so he didn't come in there. So in fairness for the listener, it does work that you need to get out and do that. So thank you so much for sharing that bit, Anna. So we know you moved on, you come through that. So through that experience, you found that, um, that you knew in your heart you had so much to offer the world based on your experience of abuse. You walked through the fire of big pain and escaped. You've told your story, and you want other people to hear, other listeners at home, if you're male or female, you know, you, you don't have to put up with this behaviour. And these organisations do help. They will protect you. They will get you out. And, you know, you— and through your coaching, everything that you do, you provide customized coaching and lifestyle strategy sessions to help your clients regain strength And again, after some— most of the stuff is help them all mentally by taxing their experiences in their life, but you also help them to develop a blueprint to start their lives over and redefine why and who they are, survivors of narcissistic abuse. And can you be just— with that is where it's your escape plan, you know, that's your plan. So let's see if these people that are at home now thinking, do you know what, you got out, you did it, you know, from being molested to being raped to abuse after abuse, to be told you're wonderful, to do this, your life, half your life has been full of abuse. No, no, and you've come through. And now, as I said, the tears when you you spoke on stage, and as you know, I was in front of you, you were speaking, and I thought, this is incredible, the pain, because we've all suffered pain, we all have our own story of what goes on, but that's where when you walk in mental health to go through. So can you just tell us a little bit about your I would call it panic room, sort of get me out of here sort of book, you know, um, how to get you out, my little journal. So would you call it a journal and you would make every client that came to the little journal and where to put it and how to get out? Yes, yes, um, I have developed Um, it's a— it's called Elegant Escape, the first Nash Narcissistic Escape Guide. And what it is, it is in journal form, but what I do is I give you all the symptoms, all the signs, all the, the different things that you may be, um, dealing with at that time if you're with that narcissist. I give you all those, um, all that information, and I put it in a guide form so Like say if you are feeling that the person is love bombing you right now, there is the definition of that love bombing and then there is parts of my story that I put inside of the journal as well to let you know like, yes, this is the part of the cycle that you're in. And then I give them prompt questions to see like, okay, how are you feeling right now? That you're in this love bombing stage. I give them the opportunity to express how they feel while they're going through that situation because I am giving them a guide. As they're telling me how they're feeling, as I'm giving them information, as I'm giving them the different signs and symptoms, they're going to be writing their own guide themselves with me helping them along the way, giving them all the signs and the different things. Watch out for. And then we go into, quote unquote, you know, a, a strategic plan, the plan part where I'm telling them this is the number that you call. And whenever we get to that, that part, this is the person that you talk to, or, or this is this, or this is that, to let them know exactly what to do. Because this, that part, the leaving part, is the most dangerous part of the entire thing. And so we want to make sure that we aren't telling people to leave haphazardly, or we aren't telling people to leave at a certain time and they— when they're not ready or they're not prepared to leave. And you always want to make sure that you're giving them professional telephone numbers with support people and resources to make sure that they're escape is going to be one that they're going to get out alive and that they're going to get out more empowered than they came in. And so I created that guide, and I've also created classes which are called, um, Elegant Escape: The Sanctuary. And so we go through, um, making sure that we empower, uh, the person that's going through narcissistic abuse, that I am teaching them how to recognize and how to realize and regain their power. Um, after narcissistic, uh, narcissistic abuse. So that is one of my classes that I actually, um, have as a class that you kind of do it on your own. Uh, you, you know, it's that type of class, you download it and you can do it on your own time or at your own time. So yeah, those are, uh, those two. And you can, uh, pre-order the Narcissistic Abuse, uh, journal um, on Monday, December 19th. So it'll go into on pre-sale, um, so hopefully so everybody will have everything hopefully by Christmas. Fantastic, you know, for that. Um, and I do think for people at home, um, that you've got that. If you have any concerns at home, to all the listeners anywhere in the world. You can put Lady Kendall Jagger in, it's about AR, Google me, send me a message for any reason that you don't want to find a footprint to get through to, perhaps my little fairy godmother with a little magic wand, because she will help you. She will sprinkle that stardust with the signs, and that little stardust is called home. She will give you hope so that you can break free and become and live a life that you don't fall back into that category for doing that. So again, you can contact me or contact www.womensradiostation.com. We're here to help. We're here to stop this abuse, both male and female. So for myself, it is that time when I thank our wonderful little fairy godmother, who is there just to give you last message of hope and how to get out. So, El-Michelle Rames, can I ask you just to give a message out to those listeners that you'd like to leave this show with? Absolutely, absolutely. I just want to let everyone know that, you know, that you were not born or you were not created just to be someone's punching bag or just to be someone's sounding board. Like, you were, you were created to be more than that. And that, you know, you can get out. You know, it's going to take, maybe take a little time, but you can get out of that situation. Um, it could be in a toxic relationship or narcissistic relationship, whatever that situation is, you can get out. And I am here to help you. I've been through it. Um, I've survive through it. And yes, like, you know, you may come to a day where you just feel like you just can't do it anymore, but we've all been there. And I just want everyone to know that, um, you know, I'm available, you know, for them. I am available to be of service to them in any way that I can. And you can reach me at heybeautylifestyle.com, and that's heybeautylifestyle.com. Or you can email me at info@heybeautylifestyle.com, and that's info@heybeautylifestyle.com. And you, um, I'll— you email me, um, I can email you back. Thank you. Do you have a telephone number if somebody's in that crisis that, help me, I want to get out? Do you offer that? Absolutely. Um, for the UK um, when you, you ring, you know, uh, from the UK going to the United States, so can you put +1 before that and then read it out 3 times? Yes, yes, um, it's the +1, that is the US, um, the US number, and then you can dial, um, the area code which is 919, um, 213 9941. That's 919-213-9941. So that's +1, +1. Yeah, just read it one more time because if you say it 3 times it stays in people's minds a bit easier. And that's 919-219-213 9941. 1919-213-9941. Okay, so anybody around the world, if you are going to do it, you've got that area code. Again, if you need any support or anything, Elle Michelle is the person in the world to go because she has created this escape thing for me and everyone at www.womensradiostation.com. Thank you so much, El. Thank you. Thank you for having me. And we hope to have you back on with some more things, but for me, that's goodbye.