Healing Image Hi – The Happy Birthday To Me Week

Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station for another in my series called Healing Image. Hi. And this week is yet again, I have to say, I've not got the guest with me that I really wanted to have. I had planned for, and we've had it booked a few times now, and we've had some We have spoken, but to then fit in time to record and then actually get what we want done just hasn't been possible. It's a guest who's— who doesn't live in this country. The time difference is pretty great. They've also just moved. That's put some extra sort of barriers in the way, if you like, for this. So I waited um, till really, really late my time last night, so I've not really had much sleep and it just wasn't possible. So I'm recording, um, now and I'm going to talk about, um, you know, it might be something that works out better just to sort of talk about something and things about my week because this week it just has not been very good at all. So I live with something called Dissociative Identity Disorder and also complex PTSD, so complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Now I got this diagnosis about 8 years ago now when I went to a private residential facility in the United States, um, and I live in the UK. Why did I go to the United States? Because there aren't facilities in the UK either with our National Health Service, which is sort of meant to be free treatment for all, but if you've been, um, a survivor of child sexual abuse or a survivor of sexual violence and you're— you live in the UK, there isn't a free service for Dissociative Identity Disorder or Complex PTSD because these conditions aren't even recognized in the UK, so there isn't actually treatment at all. And, you know, I nearly lost my life to actually get diagnosed in the States, and it also cost us as a family, you know, a vast amount of money, um, you know, amount of money that would— that worries you, um, you know, it is, it is It is so, so much. I also lost my job. I'm not able to work. I've had— I have various medical issues as well. I have, well, a year ago now, it's just over a year, I had a complete bilateral jaw joint replacement. So my, uh, both sides of my jaw, which it's the strongest, um, joint in your body. Mine is made of medical-grade titanium, and I also don't have a functioning bladder. I have something called detrusor failure, and I don't think I would have these things if I hadn't been abused for, for a long time over many years. The violence that happened to my jaw has caused it to crumble. So I mean, I'm now doing a radio show and I'm someone who finds speech quite difficult. I find hearing can be slightly— I've lost a little bit of hearing because it's a major operation, it's about 8 hours long, and you know, I've had to learn to live with this new jaw. It's mechanical, it's not made, like, you know, nature didn't make it, somebody made it, so it's a bespoke piece for me, but the mechanics of it are different as well. So I'm doing a radio show and I actually find speech quite difficult. I get tired speaking easily and, well, according to my family, my voice has changed, and the truth of failure is where your bladder stops working. The bladder is a muscle and, oh, it's probably about 10 years ago now that mine just stopped working and that can be caused by sort of stress, so muscles being really tense and then they give up, so I have to self-catheterise. So from what happens to me, there's an awful lot that has happened, and I don't actually get to speak to, or I'm aware of, any groups or other people like me. I am now one of 50 very fortunate people, but it's taken me 33 years to get this treatment, who is now with the Clinic for Dissociative Studies, which is based in London. They do have trained specialists in Dissociative Identity Disorder and complex PTSD, and not which the NHS has, and also the private sector. They just label you with personality disorders, and there are about 71 different ones that somehow people— you can basically pluck one out or a couple, and then you can also add on. Because I've had this in my life for many years, I've been in the mental health service system for either privately or the NHS in in the UK and privately abroad for 33 years. And then because they're not really quite sure what sort of personality disorder you've got, because they're just like getting your history and starting to work out this is what they— that they can diagnose you with, then they like to put, um, sort of unspecified which basically means they don't know. So it makes life really hard. If you look at the US and nearly so, so many countries in Europe, there are about 40 years of research on Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complex PTSD resulting around trauma from child abuse and sexual violence. And, you know, this, this just needs to change. Now, the person that I would really like to talk to on one of my radio stations is my consultant psychotherapist who I've now got funding from the NHS. As you know, it has to go through a process and get agreed, and then it— I mean, it's very lengthy and it's actually very, very stressful, and I don't think it should have had to have been that way, but that's the way it is. And I had to go through that during COVID so nothing was face-to-face and there wasn't support. But after a lot of fighting, and you need somebody in your corner to fight, and this is wrong too, I do not think this is right because, um, I'm being extremely fortunate. I have the most amazing support from an extremely overworked GP who got me my help. So the person I would like to speak to my consultant psychotherapist on the radio with the Clinic for Dissociative Disorders. I'm not allowed to, to have her as a guest because it will— it's against the sort of ethics of the work that we're doing, and my treatment is predicted to last for 6 years. So we're going to have a long wait till I ever get to speak to her. On here. But in the meantime, what happens is, um, she's extremely, uh, proactive in new things that are coming around, and she's extremely dedicated as well. And the most important thing is that she's trained. She's actually trained, not in this sort of country really, but by people who've been trained to treat DID and complex PTSD because it's recognized in Europe and it's recognized in the United States and there are about 40 years of research so I'm not sure why we don't have this now. Now I do apologize that my telephone has just been pinging a couple of times. Um, my, uh, I, I have 3 kids, one's away at the moment, and, um, he's just managed to fall downstairs and put his leg through a glass door. And, um, yeah, so he's been phoning me, uh, and just pinging little messages about that. So he's on his way to, um getting some medical attention. And so, so sorry, I'm dealing with that too at the moment, and I've got a deadline to get this recording to you, so I'm going to do that. Now, one of the reasons I'm going a bit off tangent this week— so yep, they're pinging again. Oh, now I've got a photograph of the glass door. How somebody a place, uh, where they're on holiday has an internal door with glass that is not safety glass. I just don't know because it's pretty bad actually. It's, it's a wooden frame and the whole, uh, oh my goodness, that could have been like so much worse. Anyway, so anyway, that's the world we live in. We can contact people we can make plans and it doesn't happen, or you're trying to record a live broadcast and then all of a sudden one of your children puts their leg through a door on holiday and they want to know sort of what to do. So at least my role as a mum isn't quite finished. Anyway, so back to, to what I get from my, uh, my therapist at the, uh, Clinique Fitness Safety, just Audaz. Is that she knows that I do this radio show. We don't talk about it a huge amount. I think she listens to most of them, and I think she does let other people in her field know that I do do this, and she does send me links to, you know, reports or medical sort of information that might, that I might find helpful, not for the radio, but you know, for somebody who's going through 6 years of treatment. And I'm lucky, I'm really lucky. So this week, I don't know why it's not been a good week. There's been a few things in my family they, um, they don't understand. And it's not their fault because society doesn't understand The medical profession don't understand. Provision isn't there. Things that are available, maybe not in this country, but certainly information, it's not looked at and it's not used. And, you know, I was given personality disorder diagnosis just about from every single person that I saw. And I have seen, without counting people in, uh, residential settings in the UK, I could really count those in one hand because there aren't people. And in the US, you have to pay an awful lot of money to get the help that you need. And this is wrong because it limits the access, and it should be open access for everything. So I received today, uh, this week from my consultant psychotherapist links to a report which has been done, which I was really interested in, and it is entitled New Ways of Supporting Child Abuse and Sexual Violence Survivors. Now it's dated March 2022, so this is really recent. And there's sort of the, the main researcher or the lead on this paper is somebody called Joe Lomani, and I downloaded it. So I downloaded this through survivorsvoices.org/new-ways-a-social-justice- cool. And if you don't— I've never done this before, but if, if with— I've never seen this anyway with anything that I've downloaded. If you download this piece, it's 27 pages and it's extremely clear and well written. It was done in a sort of consultation with the with survivors. I mean, I've never ever— I don't know how you get into these studies, but I've never ever contributed to anything other than what I'm doing on the radio, which in a way I think, gosh, I wish— I really wish I could because I could— I've got a lot to say and I'm 50. In fact, this is my birthday recording instead of a birthday present, um, because I'm going to be 57 when this one goes out, um, my present is the fee to cover my, um, my broadcast because I have to make the cost for this, um, so, so yeah, that's, that's going to be what I, uh, instead of a present, I'm, I'm sending this to you, so I hope that I enjoyed my birthday present. Um, but you know, there is 1 in 6 children that are abused, um, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men who experience, um, they're survivors of sexual violence. And it's the same numbers or higher for trans and non-binary people, and everybody's given this diagnosis of a personality disorder. And I'm really— what, what I like about this report is it actually states that there is no NHS complex trauma service. There is a complete lack of clinical guidance to help people who have complex trauma needs, and they're calling on this as being something that is discriminatory. And I would agree, it is. It feels like it is discrimination for me because I Yeah, like, this is my birthday present. I can't afford to really to pay the fees for this radio show, and I'm trying to work out whether or not to keep going with it or, um, I don't know, wind it down. I made a commitment. I hope that it would do some good, but I keep going— can't keep going on, um, funding this. Myself. And I also have highlighted before problems with the DWP, Department of Work and Pensions, who, um, they're a complete mess. They are. My experience, and I know I'm not the only one, is, um, it's not right at all. It should not be like this. It's extremely stressful and it's badly run and it's a broken system and it feels, and my experience of that I've heard of from other people, is that you basically get so worn down that you give up. Well, I'm not going to give up. I have my therapist as my advocate and it's Now we're getting on for the best part of a year that we've been trying to, to deal with this department, um, and Tribunal Services, because they do their best to not help you. And if they're not helping me, they're not helping many other people. And you know, the, this, the world's just not set up for people like me. So my week— my, my weeks are hard, my days are hard, everything's quite hard, but I do get sometimes when it's not as hard, and it's such a relief because it's really tiring finding things this hard. So I've had a not a great week Not a great couple of weeks really. My, um, the more people who know, sometimes the worse it gets. There are people who do know who never ask, and that's okay, it's up to them. Difficult really, because I think I would always ask somebody whether whatever they had, how they were, just how are you, not specific, but that doesn't really happen. And my family really don't understand quite a lot, and it's not really their fault, not entirely, but some of it, yeah, a bit. I think it's, um, I don't know, there's plenty on the internet now written about Dissociative Identity Disorder. They all know that's what I have. They all know what's happened to me, but they, they, they don't understand, and it's not their fault. Because so this study that I've been talking about, which is calling on a new way forward so that we have trauma-informed and trained specialists, that they're there. We need to absolutely change the way that this is looked at in the UK, and there's no excuse. There's plenty of research. We're usually pretty forward in the way that we think, but, um, this has to happen, you know. I didn't abuse myself, and I can't get the help that I need when it is available and there is evidence in the world. So if you download this form, this report, it's, it's about 27 pages. Quite a few of those are are sort of, you know, a list of authors and links to research. So it probably, for you to read it, and it's written very, very clearly, it's about, we talk about 18 pages, I would say, to read. And that's actually, you know, it's a really clear and concise thing. If you download it and you give them permission, they will contact you and ask for feedback on this study. I've never seen that happen before, and I think that's really, really promising. Now, I got this report and read it. I do need to read it a couple more times because there is quite a lot to take in, and I like to question everything too. And I emailed the person who was the head researcher for this, well, for interest really, and also for what I'm doing on the radio. And she emailed me back. I was really happy, like, Really, I don't know, it's great. Anyway, so we're going to be in conversation. A lot of times I ask people to, you know, speak to me, they agree, or maybe I don't hear anything and then I do hear and then it all stops. And, you know, that's okay because it's sometimes I think talking to me would be a new thing for people, and we are an isolated group, that's for sure. You might find us in art therapy, but I don't rate that anyway. But not, not here in, in the US, yes, but not in the UK. But nobody actually really knows how to help us or what to do with us, so that's quite good. Now I mentioned a few times really that part of having Dissociative Identity Disorder means that I, I lose time. I lose— I go away, my mind goes somewhere else. Um, I can look like I'm functioning and performing normally, but I'm actually not. Um, and this will— my, my husband, I suppose, is the person that is affected by this the most because, um I will have done things or not done things I've absolutely got no memory of. I have terrible sleep. There could be something, I don't know at the moment, in my family. When, when I disclosed and they knew what happened, I felt like they would have all the information about me, like, they would have it, but they don't. They've had to be given a certain amount of information, not just by me, but by some health professionals. And in the UK, I'm afraid it wasn't the right thing, because as we've just established, there's no services to support this. So to support me, there isn't anything. So to support my family, forget it, then it's down to me really to, to, to say and to try and communicate. And to me it's glaringly obvious, and to them it isn't. And this, this, this is causing, um, problems, and I, I just need it to stop. I just want everyone to just stop, and we could just like get on and just if they could just love me. And, um, I don't talk about my mum very much, but, you know, you'd think, um, I'm a mum, uh, my mum is obviously a generation away from where I am with my kids, and we certainly don't— I've never spoken to my mum, but I also think that it's a generational thing. As much as the way that I treat and speak with, with my children. We're far more open. It's not just us, I think that's just the way that we are and maybe as a society and this is more of a familiar and acceptable thing. So there comes a point sometimes when, with my family, that we get so far and then we get a real block and I'm having, you distressing issues, it's affecting my day-to-day life and they don't understand. And if you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I mean, I know that, you know, this is a frequent thing that does happen with it, is that when you dissociate, then you can— well, Well, I have, and I better not happen again. Ended up in a hospital on critical care not knowing whether or not I'm going to live. So, you know, like, yeah, being told that you've got organ failure, you're on dialysis, you've just come out from emergency surgery. I'm not talking about a single admission. I'm talking about multiple admissions, and I've absolutely no idea about what I've done. I— my mind has left my body, which it used to do when I was being harmed and I couldn't physically run away. I've talked about that before. I've tried to run away and I was physically caught and then traumatized even more. So my, my mind would go away, and that's what happens. So a couple of weeks ago, you know, my mum came out with, as a family we made a decision that when you were in critical care or intensive care from one of these, you know, incidents that nearly cost me my life, that we would not come and visit you in hospital because we don't want to encourage attention-seeking. And that, that, that's just done something. Oh dear, I'm crying now. Oh dear. That has done something to me so deep that I'll never, um, I don't think I'm ever going to actually be able to take this in. How a family who are, I would say, intelligent They are actually— the professional people can have someone from their family they know has been abused quite severely, trafficked actually, by an organized ring, and that they've been involved in the police investigation. And I did protect them from some things in that. There were some things that I didn't, you know, want the police to really spell out to them. I needed to protect people. It was a heck of a lot to take on. But then to hear that, you know, yeah, like the whole family— I'm talking about my children as well as my husband, my parents. I have siblings and their family. So Yeah, they together, without me or without any medical advice, decided that they would not come see me if this sort of thing happened because I was attention-seeking. So, um, I'm— no, I'm not ever actually really going to get over it, I'll be honest. I'm not. I don't, I don't see how anybody could. Like, you're lying there with all sorts of machines and stuff and beeps and blood tests and things are being sent up, or you've had, you know, really bad surgery, which is a whole, whole different thing. A load of things that have happened. You've got a line down your jugular, um, you're on dialysis. And when you're on dialysis— the machine goes on for hours, for about 4 hours I think at a time, and it has to have somebody with it all the time. And the feeling of just the most massive despair. Not being able to understand what's happening to you and why what has happened to you is nearly costing you your life. And then I have had members of my family actually tell me that I'm a waste of resources. Um, so please, if you're in that position, or if you're in the position, maybe, you know, someone in your family or someone you know, please don't ever say that. Just please. So this brings me to something else that my therapist has sent to me. There's also been another study on suicide and the NHS and how they think. So mental health, it's called Mental Health Services on Suicide. So, you know, if you, somebody's feeling, you know, like that bad, then basically the NHS are like, reach out for help. These are quotes. This is what they tell the public. 'You just ask, you talk to us. Suicide is preventable. We're here for you and don't suffer alone.' Okay, and then it says, this is what they say to the, to the public. So to anyone, everyone, anyone who might hear, this is what's happening versus to suicide people. You have capacity, it's your choice. Take more pills next time. Stop attention seeking. So good. I'm not— well, no, it's not good, but in a way it's helpful for me. I'm not the only person that gets this said to them. If you were really suicidal, you wouldn't ask for help. Or if somebody really wants to end their life, no one can stop them. And then after a death by suicide, because these do happen, they didn't intend to die, we couldn't have known, if only they'd reached out, it's a tragedy. Our thoughts are with their family and friends, and lessons will be learned. Now, I put myself forward a few years ago, probably about 5 years ago now, to be a public governor on a board of my local National Health Service Trust, so the NHS Trust. For mental health and social care. And I just thought, you know, I, I, I, I've lost my job through a police investigation. I'm not able to work. I need to go— well, so I thought I could make a really positive contribution here. And I also had some experience too of services, you know, that are vastly different in the United States at the time. So I applied and I got elected, and I thought this is a really, really positive thing. Now, there are two main reasons why I pulled out, apart from the fact that it was a complete shambles. I mean, I wasn't all that surprised that it was a shambles, and it really was, and probably still is, but You know, I've been on committees and stuff before, and it's kind of how they usually work. Now, every day, every meeting— and I was giving up my time for this and paying petrol and all that— and I didn't put my expenses in because you're given a form and it's quite a long form and you fill it out every time you drive to a meeting so you can put your mileage down. And then when it's full, so basically you've probably got to work there for about 2 years until you get a full sheet because, you know, you can't put it in every time. They like to accumulate it. And as I resigned, I didn't really feel like I could then put my sheet in and nobody asked for it. In fact, I didn't even acknowledge my resignation. But every meeting they would want somebody, you know, a man in a suit, stand up and give a report on sort of beds availability, whether the trust was full, whether they were outsourcing to private, wanting to get that number down. And the other thing was number of suicides. Suicides were like— that was the, the absolute main thing, was to not get them, just to not have them, to identify people who might be at risk. They used to have people who used to sort of climb up, go to the top of a building and try and get out the window, or used, you know, multi-storey car park. And the absolute number one priority was not to have suicides because it attracted you know, it gave you a bad scoring for this, and it didn't actually matter what was wrong with that person or whether they were getting the right help or if they were in the right place. It was to keep suicides down. And, um, just the way this was spoke about, I couldn't, I couldn't I can't stay and support this. I was just a part of something that was bad and broken. So I resigned, and that's actually one of the reasons why I do the radio. When, you know, I need some help from the Department of— the DWP, the government, you know, this benefits thing, and it's now got so sort of complicated that the person who advocates for me is experienced in this and they're finding this complicated, so we've asked my Member of Parliament, my MP, to look at this and I don't know. They've said they've written to ask what's going on, and that was basically a 3-line email. And I have mentioned, if you've not listened to this, not so long ago, that I introduced myself to my MP at a village fair near where I live. Um, I thought it might be helpful if they had a face to the name. So, um, I didn't even know if they'd remember my name, to be honest, but I had had an email from them that week— actually them, not their secretary— so that's why I went and introduced myself. So we are in a field where It costs £1 to get in, and basically everything that— if you don't have to do anything other than just be there and have a nice day out. We went because we had some friends that were going, and they asked us if we'd like to join them. And everything that, you know, the little games and things that they had set up in the stalls You know, they were like 50 pence a go, so it's not like I'd gone for some extremely expensive night out at the theatre and bought a VIP package or sort of something. It was a village fete in the field, yeah, for a pound, and he was so surprised at what I look like. Well, you know, if you want to see what I look like, you can look on the, um, women's radio station website, or you can look at myhealingimage.com. I don't look like that all the time. Um, that was a shoot day, that was a special day, and that was a wonderful day, and I'm, I'm glad I did it. But I actually don't look like that all the time. That's not possible. And then this MP recommended a counselling service in the town that I live in, which is not what someone like me needs. I mean, you can't give advice out like that. The thing is, it's a subsidised service. It hasn't got it's not going to be able to offer me 6 years of intensive treatment for complex PTSD and DID with BIA people who aren't— because they're not even trained in that. And I felt this was really wrong, um, that it is such a fragmented service. And, you know, therapists— and I've had some terrible ones, and I've even taken one to their governing body and They are not even medically trained either, the board. So we are way, way down anywhere of a level that we should be for how we are treated. I mean, what this person actually— their behaviour and lack of, well, actually the harm that caused me by I don't know what happened to them. They changed. They went wrong. So if you ever feel that happens, then I think you need to report people to their Governing Body. And surely if, you know, somebody gets mentioned by numerous people, then you're going to know that, um, you know, there's going to be a picture building up. It might just identify the lack of training that there is, but it could also stop somebody seeing someone who is meant to be a professional. And anyone can do this, and you can just join a governing body. It's really— it's not regulated. It's something else we're behind with. So I, I'm, um, I always proceed with caution. Whenever I see anyone about anything, which leads me on to this. So, um, about when I did my, um, my photograph that you can see on my presenter's page if you ever like look at the Women's Radio website or my Healing Image High, uh, that was done on this shoot day, but I'd had some help with a lovely hairdresser, uh, She's a celebrity hairdresser called Denise McAdam, and my hair started falling out probably about 30 years ago, probably after I had my kids. I always had my hair being fine till then, and, uh, like, Denise came to help me. So Karen Franklin had actually It was a friend of hers, so she came to look at my hair, and it's just so fine and so thin, and it gets very dry at the edges, and I just wanted a style. It was very difficult to have a style when you really haven't got much hair. So one of the things that I really wanted was, well, she suggested that I went to go and see a— I always have trouble saying this word, but it's a trichologist. So somebody who's actually trained, um, and I looked into what training they need because I, I like to know what I'm going to, um, and, and I went on, on Friday for my appointment, so to see what's wrong with my hair. It doesn't grow. During lockdown, I did haircuts on all my family at least twice, if not more, and I, I didn't need one. I mean, my hair just did not grow. So I had this— I got this appointment and I got it for a Friday, uh, just gone. And, um, I, I had previously researched this and was going to go and see some, um, go to a specialist clinic in London. Now this was expensive and, um, yeah, not, yeah, not really something that was in the budget, but if it was going to help them. So I did my research and I messaged this clinic and I got an email back saying that they would contact me within 48 hours. Well, 6 days later I'd heard nothing, so I didn't think that this was really going to be the right place for me or for anyone really. I mean, if someone says they're going to contact you and, you know, your hair is important and you, you really want some help with it and they don't, then I think it's an alarm bell to go and look elsewhere. So I got this appointment and it's actually in the next town to me, and I asked my husband if he would come with me, and he was like, no, I don't need to. Well, yeah, you do, because I felt it was going to have a sort of a bit of echoes of when I went for my, um, but my makeup lesson, my first attempt to getting help about 8 years ago in a department store, which was a disaster. And I came home with— I, I don't know, we're going back a few years, but it was a lot of money that I'd spent on products that I had no hope of using, and I just did not want to go. I don't know anyone who's been to a— I've got to look the word up again— a trichology— to see a trichologist. I don't know anybody, and I'm pretty sure that it's not something that people feel that bad about talking about. So I do not know anyone who's been to one of these. So we got in the car, plus I don't like driving to places that I've never been It's the next town, but I wasn't really quite sure of this location. We got in the car and I'm wearing a pale blue and white striped dress and my husband's got a pale blue and white striped shirt, and it's like, if we go out like this, we look like overgrown schoolchildren who've just broken up for the summer holidays. Like, I'm in the summer school summer dress and he's in the the, you know, the, the shorts and the shirt. Anyway, we went. She was quite— she found it quite amusing actually, because we, we seriously did look like we were in some sort of uniform. And what this person did— so if you're interested in this and you've never been, then this is what they do. They ask a load of questions. I took my meds with me, so I'd got the exact dose name and whatever for them to see because I thought they'd need that. And then they get this like a torch that they put on your head and it puts a photograph onto the computer screen so then they can capture that as images to, you know, see, date and keep. So your hair comes out of a follicle in your head and from each one there are usually like 2 or 3. Well, mine, I have one. I've got one hair growing out of each follicle, so that's why my hair is so thin, so fine. Um, I also use dry shampoo that I find just gives it a little bit more bulk. Um, and this, in our home, like, my husband feels that it's creates dust, and actually it probably does. It just puts a fine layer of powder over stuff in the bathroom, and he doesn't particularly like it. Well, she could see my dry shampoo. She's like, you've got something sort of bits of white in your hair that's not dandruff. And I, uh, that's my dry shampoo, but can we not like mention that? Well, what it does is it does give you a little bit of texture because it does dry your hair a little bit and put some powder in there. But, you know, I— it also takes away though the sort of color of your hair. And if your hair, your hair's sort of more than one color, then if you spray this into it, then you, you, you do lose the depth of what having different shades of colour in your hair could give you. So she diagnosed what I have. I basically have a type of alopecia which really happens to people who are older than me, so senior alopecia, and there is, um, it's a solution that I can have put on there. And so I was like, right, you know, expecting her to present me with a nice big bottle of expensive stuff, but no, you can actually go and buy it yourself. They tell you the formula and the strength that you need, and it's not a product anymore that has a sort of patent, so it is made by different people. So my husband is actually a science-based person, so I left that for him to do. And she's also ordered me something that it looks like a powder, like a mix of colors that my hair— I'm sort of, I don't know, mid-blonde, I suppose. Um, and what you do is you, you put some on your hand and then you sort of put them into your parting on the top of your hair. And then she showed me with this torch that she puts on your head, and it has a light and like a rollerball effect, so it sort of rolls over your scalp and it just makes these little tiny fibers of color that is in your hair just go down sort of into your parting, and it just gives this illusion that you've got more fibers. So that's just a, you know, a temporary sort of like thing that might make you feel better, slightly look better. Um, uh, she did say like this can come off in your pillow, so you might want to wash your hair a bit more. I didn't get sold any expensive solutions or shampoos or told to buy this thickening, this or that and the other, which is what I thought would happen. I just had to pay for my consultation fee and then I'm going to use this solution which I've ordered, we've ordered online, so that we've ordered 6 months worth and then I have an appointment to go back in 4 months and my, this, this stuff, I'm really sorry I can't say the name of it, is, it was a drug that was used for, I think, prostate cancer, and one of the side effects was that it promoted hair growth, so in men. So there is, you do, just don't, I'm not even going to tell you what it is because I don't want anyone just to go out and buy it because you have, you you really— this, this appointment was so, so worth it. But I don't think you need to go to a big main clinic with a, you know, a fancy name in London. It was going to cost me nearly 3 times as much to go to London for what I got where I've gone locally. And I've read reviews, I asked my local hairdresser. They've been in our town for over 30 years, and this was the recommendation. And I took someone with me, and I think that's a good idea too, because, you know, for somebody like me who would— I would love some more hair, some thick hair, something I could tie up, something that grew, something, whatever. You know, if somebody said to me, if you use this, it's going to work, I would, I would be that person that would buy it. So taking somebody with you just so that you're not missold products. And I was not missold anything. I can't— I wish I'd gone years ago to do this. Um, your hair is really meant to grow on average, uh, I think it's, um, between a quarter and half an inch every 6 months. Well, I'm hoping, you know, I go back in 4 months that we're going to see an improvement and I'll certainly let you go. So I need to, well, I need to check on my son actually. I can't believe this. I've just looked at the photograph he sent of this huge glass panel in this door Um, yeah, that's just sliced through his knee. Uh, um, you know, he's a— he's an adult, so, uh, I know that he's going to be, um, okay. But in a way, it's actually quite nice that he phoned his mom. Um, um, it's not so nice it's now on the family chat because I'm— I don't really— when you're a mom, when you see your kids hurt, even when they're in their 30s and, you know, they're on holiday and they've had an accident, that really, really hurts. Like, it hurts my soul because that's my child. So I think, I think it also resonates with me why when you hear that your family are not going to visit you because they think you've attempted to take your life, even though you're someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, um, because they don't want to encourage attention-seeking. I'm not sure how long it's going to take me to get over that because I can't— I can't believe it. But then I do blame the system because the culture is in the UK is that this isn't known about, talked about, and this isn't going to get help for people, and it's not going to get help for carers and friends either. So I've— I'm going to be speaking with Jo Lomoney, um, about this, uh, new ways of supporting child abuse and sexual violence survivors. So it's March 22nd, and that's Joe, and her surname is L-O-M-A-N-I. Now, it has been done in conjunction with survivors of abuse and sexual violence, so it's pretty— it's a really clear read. I mean, you know, this is something that people are going to have access to Also, if you download it, you don't need to print it off like I have, then they will contact you after a certain period of time and ask for your feedback. And I'm going to be speaking to Joe. I want to make some noise about this, um, if I could just do something to improve the service for people who have been harmed. And also for those who are trying to, you know, help people that have been harmed because there is not this training. So it's, it's like, it's loud and clear, let's try and get people the right care and the right help because, you know, this is my birthday broadcast and I'm 50, It's 57. Um, I actually love birthdays. I, I really, really do. Um, but so, right, this is, this is my birthday present to myself. I've, I've done the recording, and while this is being played, uh, next week, and, you know, one day next week is my actual birthday My husband and I and our dog will be— we're hoping the weather's going to stay reasonably warm. I don't want it too hot because I know it's causing some damage in the UK, but I just want to go take my dog to the beach. That's what I want to do. And so we're going to do that. So yeah, it's quite a long drive in the car, but spend some time doing that would be lovely. Now, I hope next week I have a guest. I really do. I do, I do keep trying to get people. It is difficult. They mostly work, so, and then their weekends are very busy with their families and things. I'm sorry this feels like a rushed one, but I hope it's an important one. Let's keep trying to get some positive conversation going, and let's get some training. I mean, I'm young enough, hopefully, that there will in my lifetime be some change, some positive change, and I would like to be a part of that. So thank you for listening. This is Eva May, and it's been my pleasure to speak to you from the Women's Radio Station.