Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you from the Women's Radio Station for another in my Healing Image Hi series. Now, Healing Image was, um, a name for something, a project, some help that I asked for from some image professionals to help me when I had a complete breakdown having been through a police investigation into the abuse that I suffered as a child. So, um, through my life I'd somehow managed to live— I think I'd best describe it as parallel lives. So I had this life that looked good, and then I had this other undercurrent that was parallel, that was— should not have happened. That line should not be there. It should never have been there. And I would sort of go between the two. And as a child, um, I also became conditioned to this. It started when I was extremely young, so I didn't have the words. Um, I know there were things that I didn't like and I said, "I don't want to go there," but I was assured that I was going there and it was going to be all fine. So it's extremely difficult, um, I mean, I can't remember now being that child, that small, but I can see why I did not have the words for nearly 30 years but I did present with mental health issues and also health issues with my physical body. So those were dealt with, and then, um, something else would happen, and then that would be dealt with. So I never ever got to, to the root of the problem or was able to talk about it. Sometimes I used to see people and I used to think 'Can't you see what happened to me? Can't you tell? Because it's so in me, it's written all over me.' And, um, but, but no, that, that, that didn't happen. And we are talking, you know, quite a few years ago, and this subject wasn't talked about as much as it is now, although I don't think that it is really talked about in ways that it should be. Even, even now. So that's why I'm doing this series. So I had some problems with my image. The police investigation sort of rocked my world. It meant that I could no longer protect my friends or my family. It was all out in the open. Everybody was sort of interviewed, and separately. It went on for months. I had very long, long video recording sessions that were done after work, quite far away actually from where I did work. It took us almost 2 hours to get there, and then I'd be there for maybe 4 hours and then travel home. So the police told my place of work, um, and I knew that they were going to do, but I said I didn't want that. But that's overruled, it's part of safeguarding, and it's meant to be so that I got some support from work. That didn't happen at all. The police actually rocked up in a marked police car unannounced, and that caused a bit of commotion. It was a very visible thing, and also people in uniform, and everybody wanted to know what this was about. So I'm not sure who got told or what was said. I really don't know, but I mean, I heard that a police car had rocked up and I knew, well, I had a feeling that it was probably going to be about me. And it certainly wasn't in the way that nobody had explained that it might be done like this. And work didn't know what to say or do or anything, so I felt very uncomfortable there. I'd lost my, my safe place, my safe routine, the place where I could go and I had this professional role. And I actually really loved my job, and I actually think I was pretty good at it. So for the whole thing to change, it really was the last thing that I needed, was to, to walk away from work. It was impossible for me to stay there. You can't work very well at somewhere where you're not really welcome and you're basically shunned. So I decided, well, I stayed at home and I couldn't actually go out. I didn't get dressed, I didn't go out. I made sure that the, the children had gone off to school and got everything that they needed. I put everything by the door the night before. I'd be very busy, probably keeping myself quite distracted, and I'd be able to actually look after them really well. And they are now, um, you know, adults in their own right, and they don't live at home anymore. In fact, Two of them— I have three— two of them live in another part of the country that we can only get to if we fly. So they're, they're fine. They're— I don't know quite how, but they are. And I am so extremely grateful for that because they have been through an awful lot with me, not just the police thing. I know that was a terrible shock for them to learn something about their mum, to see me, to see what it did to me, and particularly losing my job, and also seeing what it did to the rest of my family and my friends. So it was a very, very difficult time for me, and I didn't go out, so During the hours of sort of 9 till 3, I stayed in the house. I mostly stayed in my bedroom actually, and I sat on the floor. We have a wooden floor, so I liked that it was hard surface to sit on. And I had my— I used to sit in the corner of the room so that I had two walls actually to lean on. And that's basically how I spent my hours. The house didn't really need doing because I wasn't doing anything in it. I kind of tidied up as I went along when the family were around, and when everybody had gone, as long as I didn't touch or disturb anything, then I could get by. But I wasn't going out, or my self-care had gone. I couldn't look at myself. I didn't want to touch my skin. I— and this— my sleep was dreadful. I was quite medicated, and life just couldn't really continue like this. So I reached out to some friends of my cousin who worked in fashion, and she got me some help from some image professionals who helped me and listened to me. It was— I'm not the first person that's gone and asked for some help after some traumatic event., to try and pick themselves up and, and try and relearn what— how to put myself back together. And they were absolutely amazing. So this is really— I, I would like to say to anybody who's suffering with some mental health, if there is some area that you would like a particular help with, the professionals that I have worked with have been really, really wanting to help me. They've really, really listened, and their knowledge— they, they know a lot, and I've learned a lot from them. And this learning has really helped me with my trauma because it's almost as if I've learned things, and then I can go on and like learn a little bit more about them, and I can I see it as taking in new information, and maybe that information is replacing a space where the trauma was residing. So the more I learned, the better I got, and the more I practiced what they taught me. And I eventually did manage to be able to look at myself. My, my whole thing about the looking at yourself is my theory is that As you, you know, we're all born— before we're born, there's a space, there's a place for us in the world. So we come into the world and then we grow. There's physical changes, mental changes, you know, your hair, your skin, your everything, you know, growing. Your bones grow. But the thing that doesn't change, for me anyway, is my eyes. They are still the same eyes. That I had, um, from when I can remember, you know, having school photographs done and looking at myself. And they're still the same eyes that I had when I was 5, uh, to me. And those eyes hold an awful lot of images. Um, there also seems to be a block where I feel like there's almost like writing on my eyelids of trauma, and it's not been able to come out verbally or any other way. In fact, it came out more with health issues, physical and also mental. I mean, I don't think you realize quite when you're in the depths of depression that you're there, and it's extremely hard work and it's extremely difficult for your family, your friends, and yourself to try and get some grips with this. So I spent about— it was 4 years before I was able to get out. So having this help was extremely important. It was something I wanted, and I think the time was right. So I then decided that you know, I needed to really, really get my life how— in some sort of order, to be safe, to feel better, to look better, and to try and be somebody. Because I actually, you know, as a— experiencing trauma as a child is something that you know is going on, And mine went on for quite a long time. And, you know, there weren't the— I didn't have the words and there wasn't the environment to talk about it. I did say, or, you know, that, oh, I was very reluctant to go to certain places. But these things are done in a very clever way, almost, an obvious way that it's so obvious that it's just not— it's, it's just not there because, you know, it's not something that happens that people can actually readily see or acknowledge. Um, and I got conditioned, and when I had to go through the police investigation process, my adult person had to actually take on what has happened to me as a child and how wrong that was, whether it was for me or any other child. I would feel deeply sad, and I was deeply sad and hurt and angry and confused. And it's very difficult to know who to talk to and how much to say because I did not want this to define me. I wanted to keep some of my authentic self. So I have, as a result of this trauma, something called dissociative identity disorder, which is, you know, if you think of sort of mental health issues on a ladder, you've got trauma, you've got complex trauma and PTSD, which are sort of trauma that's happened more frequently, and then you have dissociative identity disorder, which is when my, my brain kept myself safe by shutting off and going into different parts to manage to not feel and experience the full effects of this trauma. Some of it was physical pain, and I'm actually quite good at blocking physical pain out. I'm a bit of an accident-prone person as well, and I can even One year I was skiing and I had a little fall, not bad one really, but I fell and I hurt my wrist. In fact, I broke it and I skied with that and it was extremely painful, but I'm able to like dissociate and block that out. And I skied with it for 3 days and it wasn't until I got back to the UK that I thought I think I've actually broken my wrist here, and it's extremely painful. It's not looking right, and it was so badly broken that I had to have surgery, and I've still got a plate in it. So I have this ability to take myself away from pain and away from other situations, but that's not really helping me now. I don't need to do this because it— I, I have different parts of me, and my parts do not need to, to do this anymore. I'm not in any danger or harm, but there's so much that needs to be processed that I still have these fragmented parts. Some of them I know, and some of them I don't. Some of them take over my body, and they can do some pretty awful things to myself that I don't know about. I can also do, say, behave things that are maybe, well, they are inappropriate really for somebody like me, a 56-year-old sort of mother of 3, but I don't remember these episodes. They can happen, usually when it happens when somebody or something has occurred that I can't make sense of, then I will go back into some sort of dissociative state. We usually get a little bit of a warning on it now. We've got— we've worked out in the family a pattern. So I can be a bit— well, I think the word they use is not very nice. Nasty would be quite probably a good word and a right word, but not a word I really like associated with me. But my behavior can become like that, and I do not see it at all. I and I— or I can become really, really manic, so I start doing things really fast, I start moving really fast, sort of physically and mentally I'm going at 100 miles an hour, and that will happen for about 2 or 3 days. I don't remember any of it, I can lose time, things also can occur that are dangerous during those times, or I can be, uh, confined to bed, just completely unable to even move. It feels like somebody has put a bolt through my head, and I am on a pillow, and I'm actually really not present in my body. And, um, and I, and I, I'm usually crying a lot, crying out in pain. So, um, this, this has really had a big impact on on me and my family. So I decided after the image help that getting out was now something that was a main priority. We had, my husband and I had a trip booked and I couldn't go. I was just too unwell to go. I couldn't go out at all. So he went. I mean, he needed a break. He needed a break from me as much as anything. And it's very difficult for somebody who's looking after someone to— they don't know what to do. It's— they can't do the right thing and they can't do the wrong thing. It's just a very, very difficult situation. So he went away and I stayed at home. Well, I had to give myself like the biggest talking to ever because I've got— I didn't want my life like this at all. So what can I do? I've got to do something. Like, I changed, I got help with Image Professional, so I need to go and do a big change on the getting out side of things and feeling okay in the world. It just felt too overwhelming going out. Suddenly the world seemed like something that was going to swallow me up, that I was just so vulnerable. If I did go out, I was— I had somebody with me, but when I was left on my own, I just did not go out. I've just sat on the floor in my bedroom with my back against the wall because I felt safe like that, but it wasn't really a way to live. So my husband had gone away on his own. He'd be fine, he quite likes sports activities, so he'd be able to go and do those sorts of things. And I gave myself this rather large talking to that we needed to do something. I went on to the internet and Googled about I looked at spa breaks and I just decided that that wasn't really going to be for me. And having massages and people touching me would mean people touching me, and touching me, my skin, is quite difficult even for me to do. So that really didn't seem like the best course of action. And then I came up with, um, Bootcamp. And it was like, whoa, actually this looks like, it looks quite good fun, it looks like some of it was, looks like stuff that I used to enjoy as a child, so running on the beach or going through mud, so I decided to go the next day to a camp, a boot camp called GIJ Jane, And I chose that one because it's just, it's all women. And for me, doing this on my own, just the spare of the moment, but needing this moment, I, I just felt more comfortable going to, to a women's camp. I did speak to Sharon Smith, who I am going to do a broadcast with hopefully next week. And I told her that I was in a really bad place, I told her that I just couldn't go out and that I was going to try and come, and she said, 'That's absolutely fine, just here's what you need to bring, put it in the car.' So I, I booked it and I, I went. I did ask a friend and her husband what they thought so that somebody knew where I was. And I decided— we had decided with my husband and myself that we were going to have a couple of days where we didn't actually sort of speak to each other. Messaging was fine, but we were just going to have a couple of days to let things settle because, um, it was just what we needed to do. So I rocked up at this boot camp, which was actually started by, um, Sharon, when she went to a boot camp with her sister who had been experiencing mental health issues and had had some treatment as an inpatient, but she didn't get any physical exercise at the place that she went to, and she really felt that that was something that would have been really helpful. So they went on a boot camp together in Wales and they did the whole week. They got so much out of it. They're a great couple, they're great girls, these sisters, and they then decided that they would open their own boot camp but just be for women, so that GI Jane was born. That was in 2008. So I turned up And well, you just have to— it's military trainers. They're either serving or ex-military personnel who, who are training you. So, um, you're, you're instructed. And that in itself, for me, is something that I found extremely helpful because I wasn't just outside on my own feeling overwhelmed with this huge sky and landscape, cars, buildings, whatever was around me. I was actually able to listen to people. I had to be somewhere on time, and I was given things to do, so that was a really good focus. And then after our 2 days of we're not talking to each other, spoke with my husband, and he was like, just get yourself here, please, just, you know, come. 'Um, this will be fine.' Uh, um, well, actually, I can't, um, do that right now. 'Well, what do you mean you can't?' Well, I, I'm, um, in Kent. I'm in Kent. Yeah, I'm in Kent, and I'm here for a week on a boot camp. I think the first question was, 'How did you pay for it?' Um, I did actually have to get my, my friends to sort that out for me because, um, I actually, I wasn't even in a fit state to deal with that, so they, they dealt with that for me, and we obviously settled that one up. And I went on this camp by myself and did every single thing. I think by day 3 I couldn't walk downstairs, done so much physical exercise. But my goodness, I absolutely loved it. I got fresh air outside, saw things, like took notice of nature, feeling of wind and rain or the sun on my, on my face. I was doing something, I was achieving, you know, I actually could do some of these things. Some of it was extremely physically challenging and mentally challenging, but all the other people there They really help, and you all get each other through, and it was just the most incredible experience. I did have a few sort of crying moments where I think it was a release to get stuff out that been stuck in for so long. And you do get to speak to the trainers about anything you want to discuss, so I did explain to them my, my story about how I got there. And I'm not the first person that they've heard say this, and they too have experienced being part of the services, our military services, that, you know, traumatic times. So they do have an understanding of that. Then we're left on our own with, you know, they have their break in the evening and we had our time together, and I just got so much out of being with this small group of women, like to laugh. They didn't know anything about me, just my name, and same for them. That's all I knew about them. And, you know, gradually over the week, people, you know, were there for, for certain reasons, or they talked about problems, and it was something that we were all able to, to share at some level. So I got so much out of it, and this is From there I learned to run. I've not particularly enjoyed running before, but there was quite a lot of it, and so if I was going to do it, I might as well learn how to do it. And I was instructed about my strike, so where I place my foot when I run, so I could concentrate on developing that as a consistent way of moving forward and extending my distance. And then from there I went and did— I went on to train. I didn't know if I was going to do it, but I did, I completed the London Marathon, and with 38,000 people and running 26-point-whatever miles, it was fantastic. And, um, I, I'll, I'll never forget that moment. And I, I have my, my medal. I have a set of memory shelves upstairs in my house that have my things on, of things I've achieved, because I have achieved a lot, I've been through a lot, so there's also stuff on there too that reminds me of things that I've been through, but I do have a little list of stuff that I've got in my day of how I know I'm going to approach tomorrow. So, doesn't always work, but I need to really keep my— try and concentrate on keeping my mood stable. Um, it tends to— if I, if I get rocked a bit from that, then I can go a bit manic, or I can get extremely depressed, and I can dissociate, and it can— I can lose, um, it's like an amnesic state. I can lose maybe 3 or 4 days. And I have these sort of different parts with dissociative identity disorder that have protected me from trauma, and those parts will, will emerge, um, separately, or maybe some at a time. But when that happens, I actually don't know what's going on. Um, like me now talking to you, I, I have no memory of things and it's really not a good way. It's very stressful on the body if you're living like this in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. So I am— I have this little list now of stuff that I do, and I'm going to read a few out to you. So the first thing that I do in the morning is when I wake up is— I used to just dread waking up, to be honest, because it was like mostly going to be a bad day. And not very many good ones. So a tip I got from this hairdresser Denise McAdam, who helped me— she's, she's a celebrity hairdresser, she does, um, she's amazing, she's a lovely lady, and she does— she's been on television with sort of competitions and programs about hair, and she's— I learned a lot from her. So what she suggests is that when you get up in the morning, it's like you put your fingers in your scalp and you just like rub your hair, your scalp, for 10 seconds and say in your head or out loud, I'm waking up my hair, I'm waking up my hair, and then you get out of bed. And I do that now. It's, um, it's an automatic thing that I do, and I've been doing that for years, and it's really helpful. So the other thing that I don't do is, um, my— quite a big lifestyle change is that I gave up alcohol completely. So when I went to a, well, I've been an inpatient at The Priory in Roehampton, which really is not a place that I found helpful. I thought things were helpful, but actually they weren't helpful at all. So I was there for 8 weeks, But during that time, therapy sessions are pretty, pretty big groups, and you've also got outpatients coming, you've also got people who are suddenly put there from— by the NHS, so they're not private patients, and they're there because there's no room for them at their local hospital, so they could be quite far away from home, so they're pretty stressed. And also, they're not going to stay there and complete their treatment. Once the bed comes available, they're whisked off. So the stability of what went on sort of patient-wise and peer-wise just never really, really happened. And a lot of the groups, it was every week, you know, if you're there for 8 weeks and you're doing a repeat thing every time, it just really wasn't for me. There's there wasn't a lot of information. I wasn't given any assignments or work to do or anything like that. You're not allowed to have alcohol, obviously, there, and you're not allowed to have it in your toiletries either. Everything is gone through. You also have your own room there, which you could sit in your room all day. In fact, there was one, one time where as somebody who was, who was a resident like me, was so fed up that they didn't get any attention because if people were needing extra support on the medical side, then those resources were taken away from the rest of us. And so quite often we didn't really get any interaction at all from them. So She went and sat in her car in the car park for a whole day, and nobody noticed until she reappeared. And, um, that's really dreadful. I mean, that's really, really dreadful. They also— there was no exercise, and like, everybody knows that exercise is good for your mental health, but they had a gym. You couldn't go to the gym until you'd been sort of there for quite a while, 2 weeks maybe. And you got signed off as being in the right, I don't know, criteria to go to the gym. But if you want to use the gym equipment, then you've got to pay for the trainer, so it's pretty expensive. It's expensive going there anyway, so anyway, wasn't for me. Therapist I had there, definitely not for me. Um, it was the place that I went for my first interview with the police, which was meant to help me, but, um, that didn't actually really happen. Um, in fact, uh, it didn't work out well. And I then moved on to, to go and have some treatment at a place called Cottonwood in Arizona. So, I was actually there for 70 days in the desert, which is quite a strange thing to suddenly to be. I mean, I'd never been to Arizona. It's the hottest state, I believe, in the United States, and it was extremely hot, and we were in the middle of a desert, and we had to be careful with the desert wildlife. There's snakes and scorpions and tarantulas and something called a gila monster or gila monster, which is a beautiful— I thought it would be some sort of really big thing, but it wasn't. It was like a piece of sort of sweet corn but in orange and black. And I thought it was fascinating when I first saw one that I went over to it and had to watch it because it, it was incredible and beautiful, and it— the way it moved was really interesting, and I'd never seen anything like it. And then I got sort of shouted at as to not to move. This is the probably the most dangerous thing in the, the desert. If it locks its jaw around your ankle, which is what it would go for, it has so much bacteria there that it— the only way to get it off you as well, because it locks, is if it's burnt, cut, or— I can't remember the other way, but yeah, it wasn't a good thing to have. And it would involve a hospital admission, so it would have been helpful if they'd had some pictures of these animals rather than the names, because we don't have them here. And they also have these things called javelinas, which are a bit like wild boar, I suppose, and they come through in groups and they just like run through. We had to keep all our doors closed because you could end up with one of those— well, they did used to come in sometimes into rooms if they were left open. So yeah, big thing keeping the wildlife out. And, and if we found snake, then there were people there who, who were experienced to, to get that snake and put it in a box and drive off with it and then release it into the desert. So yeah, all quite interesting. So I gave— I was there for 70 days, and there is obviously like no alcohol. I didn't go for alcohol-related reasons. I went for trauma, in particular complex PTSD and dissociative identity. But giving up alcohol and living without it made me realize that I have been a person that had used alcohol, usually in social situations where I was probably somewhere and I basically had enough. I was tired, um, putting on a little bit of a mask of going somewhere, trying to be, you know, project myself as someone who is really having fun and enjoying themselves, and actually inside I wasn't feeling like that. So at a time when I should have probably come home, I would just drink more. So I realized that this really wasn't going to be— well, it was a great opportunity not to have it. So the other thing about going to rehab is that you're not allowed alcohol and you're also not allowed an iron. So as well as giving up alcohol, I gave up ironing. And I actually haven't ironed since. Well, I probably have twice, but that's been in extreme circumstances, like one of my children running a bit late and deciding that they need a dress, and I try my best, but I'm not actually very good at it. So yeah, I definitely gave up alcohol and ironing. So another thing that I have is, um, my medication I take every day. I have morning meds and I have night meds. I have been on the same medication for 6 years and I have been trying so hard to ask for a review. I would think that it would be a good idea for some of this medication to, to be reduced. I mean, it must be costing the NHS a fortune. In fact, I did read in somewhere that they've worked out that if med reviews were done and people's medication was reduced or, or stopped, then it could probably save enough money for the NHS to employ 10,000 doctors. 'Well, I, I will— I want my meds reviewed. Um, it might mean that we stay the same, but it would be good to have— I think it would be good practice to be on this.' But it's not done. Now, if you have an animal like my— you know, my— I have a dog. So a dog on, on meds is only allowed to have those— that medication prescribed in the UK. For no more than 6 months before it has to go and see the vet and have a full review. So why that doesn't happen for humans, I just don't know. I just think there's so much going on with health, um, and, and NHS and the amount of work that they have that it's just something that's not done. So my meds are put in a Dosset Box which is one of those boxes where the pharmacy put it in. So it's got Monday morning, Monday night, whole week, all the meds are in there. It's like a blister pack and the whole lot come out as long as you make sure you cleared the whole section and that one's not got itself stuck because there is a bit of sticky stuff in there. Um, then that works well for me. So I, I would recommend, um, ask if you're on regular medication, then the easiest way to check that you've taken everything is to have something done in a Dosette box. I also, I get a lot of pleasure from listening to music, so on my phone I have a Healing Image High playlist, which is my music that means an awful lot to me when I'm thinking about difficult things, or I could be thinking about really, really good things and need to come down a little bit from feeling like that and keep my moods stable. So I also have an app on my phone where if I'm out and I hear something that I like that I don't know, never heard it before, then you can tap on it and it will actually tell you in a few seconds what that is, what the song is, who is it by, and then you can add that onto your, your playlist. So that's something— I don't just have that playlist, I have other ones too, but it's really important to me that I have that, that I can listen to it when I'm out. Um, it helps to, to calm me, and I know what's on there. So, I've had a few games on my iPad as well that I like. I also like to— now I've got a routine where I go out in the mornings. As I just mentioned, we have a dog. We got a dog 6 years ago. Didn't think we'd ever get a dog. I thought we were— we had cats, we were cat people, and I grew up as a child with cats, and I was sort of told that, well, thought that, you know, dogs meant it made it difficult for you to go away on holiday, they were a tie, things like that. But we were in a situation where, you know, I'd lost my job, so I was at home and my kids were all pretty sort of late teens, early 20s, so getting a dog was possible. We then got the dog and they all like left home, so it's me, me and the dog, and me and the dog is, it's great. I mean, she, she, she gets me out. I mean, every single day, that dog, what that, what she gives me is the love that I get and the love that she gets. I didn't ever think that. I've never experienced it before, and it's an absolutely incredible thing. So, you know, she needs a walk, and I used to— I started getting up in the mornings and going out with her, leaving the house for my husband so he could get ready for work without a dog running around. And I'd walk down into the town and get a coffee and then walk home and then start my day with my shower and so forth. So I've been walking down, and when you have a dog, people like talk to you, or they ask about your dog. So, and having her with me is like, it's great for emotional support, and she actually loves people. I think she— so this was kind of, you know, really nice, and she was meeting and experiencing social things, and there are certain shops that you can take dogs into as well. So that was good. It expanded where I could go and where I felt more comfortable going. But going down to walk into the town and getting my coffee every day, it was from a pop-up coffee shop. So, you know, everything shut away in the unit at night, and then they, they sort of put it out onto the pavement, and there people sitting there, and they would be the same people. And I'd get my coffee, and they, they would be sort of giving attention to my dog and then started sort of talking a bit more to me. And this went on for, well, quite a long time. And I sort of say, oh, hello, and how are you? And like, look at their dogs, and, you know, we'd exchange sort dog stories, and then one day someone said, "Well, why don't you sit down and have your coffee with us?" And it turned out that none of them had ever met each other before, prior to having dogs and going out for coffee. So, well, 6 years on, I have the most amazing group of, of friends, of um, doggicino friends really, so, um, because that's like coffee and dogs, and I don't know what I'd do without these people. I see them, some of them, not all of them together or every day, but at least one or two of them every single day, every morning for about an hour, every single day of the week, so including Sunday, And it's actually— we call it morning briefing, and it's the healthiest thing that I have in my life, really, is to go out and see these amazing people who, you know, I've been away with, were out for days, gone up to the coast, take the dogs out. We've been to the cinema in the evening— in the afternoons. We quite like going in the afternoons. And not with the dogs, obviously, but we also have dog birthday parties at each other's houses. And these people are, are just such good friends, and I feel like I can be myself with them. I absolutely love them dearly, and, and what they've given to me, I think, is something quite quite rare, and I'd like to, to share that because saying hello and maybe asking someone to sit and have a coffee is, is actually, you know, even if it's just for a short time, it's actually a really nice thing to do. And quite often in my day, I don't see any other people. These are the only people apart from my family that I see, so it's actually great to have this human contact and, and to sit and laugh or listen and, and share these things. So yeah, they do know that I kind of— I'm not really a morning person, so it tends to be tracksuit and sort of a puffer jacket in the morning, and then I go home and sort of start my day. So that's another great thing. One thing that I do also have on my phone is my, my gallery, my images that I've taken, taken with my camera. Now, um, I try and take at least one photograph every day of something around me that I've noticed, and then I study, um, every now and then I will look at the images and study one or two in particular and then try and imagine them in my mind because they're nice things that I've taken photographs of. And then if I'm having a problem, I can go to my gallery and pick up that picture and try and associate that with feeling okay because I did take it when I felt okay. I do have to be really careful with what I watch on TV, movies, things that are recommended to me. I can't— a lot of like science fiction is completely out, anything to horror, anything to do with abuse, then if it's at home my family know that I'll get up and move out, but and if it's a cinema, I, I would walk out. But, um, the, the film censoring, they don't give you an awful lot of detail about, you know, it says like some strong language. I mean, that, that's really could mean anything really. Um, so yeah, I do have to be really careful with that. Um, I try and wear some makeup or definitely moisturize my in every day. That's part of my routine as well. And, um, and another, another thing that I do is if I get a phone call from somebody, um, that I'm not expecting, um, which is usually how phone calls come, and I'm asked something, then I actually need to write this down and say, um, I just need to think about this for a little bit and then I'll phone you back. Could be anything, there isn't really a criteria for this. I do this for most things and then I have to be honest if I can't do things. So I make sure I take my meds, I've got my healing image high, I write things down, I phone people. If I feel sort of mentally uneasy and I can acknowledge that, then I tell somebody at home. But to be honest, most of the time I don't even realize that I'm changing into my different parts, alters, personalities, whatever. So I need to deal with that. My memory and concentration can really, really vary. Um, I— yeah, I do have a pretty bad memory for things, but then on the other hand, like with my trauma, I have a very good memory. That's pretty much ingrained in there, and I wish it wasn't. I go out with foam earplugs to either put in my ears or squeeze in my pocket if I feel that I need to touch something. I also try and take sunglasses out with me too, in case I cry, to be honest, just to cover up my eyes. And yeah, That's happening less and less, so that's quite good. Um, and at the end of the day, I try to remember something that I've achieved in the day, um, and that's an important time for me to reflect. It doesn't have to be very long, but just a little bit. Um, now during this series, it's not always going to be me. I do have guests lined up. Unfortunately, due to sort of where they are in the world, time, and their work commitments, I've only managed to do— to get a couple of them so far. But there are a lot more interesting things that I'm going to have conversations with about people that I have met through my healing image High Journey. So I hope that you'll enjoy those too. Now, one thing— so I've given up alcohol, given up ironing, um, but one thing that I do need to be cautious of and, and probably a little bit more responsible about is, is buying things. I'm not very good at looking at my bank account. I used to when it was a checkbook and you could write down what you'd written out for, how much you'd had in the account, deduct it. Then I actually kept tabs on things and I used to mark off my statements. Well, I'm actually a little— I'm, I'm too scared to go and do the app. I go into the bank and they tell me it's easy, but it's not easy for me. I find new things and technology quite difficult to get to grips with. And I find now in the bank, if I go in and I'm doing anything, they basically direct me to a machine, so cashiers don't seem to be a thing anymore. So, and also I've developed, you know, this fashion thing, so yeah, I like buying things and, um, and online. So because I've not been going out so much because of COVID so I also don't like trying things on in shops. I can't. I need to come home and do that. That's just how it is for me personally, and I know a lot of people who feel the same. So I like to be in front of my own mirror and try things on at a time when I'm, I'm ready and have the the right shoes. One thing I did learn when I was working with Karen Franklin was that, you know, you should always try things on and put some shoes on, and she's absolutely right. So I always do that, and you might not be in the right shoes when you see something that you fancy. But yeah, online shopping, I, um, uh, I kind of— I love the fact that you've got the you can access so many different things, in fact almost too many things, but the thing that I don't like about it is when you, you put something to your basket, your bag or your cart, whatever they call it, and then when you've made your selection, and I take quite a long time deciding things, making decisions is not my, uh, I'm not that quick at So when I've decided that and then I go to check out and then I find that some of those things have been taken out of my cart, it's like, or my basket, they've gone. Like someone, it's like if you were in a shop and you've got things in your basket, nobody would come along and take it out. That's just not a thing, you don't do that. But you can online. I, I don't quite know what the point is where they decide that it's yours, that you've gone along the process so far that you're now committed to, and that you can have it. So I, I find that a bit strange. But, um, and the other thing that I think I would like to raise caution with is the new ways now of this buy now pay later. And I will be having a guest, uh, somebody called Joyce Marta, who is in the United States, and she's— I read about her first in an article she had written in Psychology magazine about this buy now pay later. I think there's Clearpay, Klarna, where you can pay in installments or pay later. So you get your things, try, send back what you don't want, and then you're just paying for what you do keep. Now, but you could they don't really do a credit check, and they, they say they do a soft search. I'm— and I'm— I've no idea. It's a bit like saying strong language in a, in a film, like it doesn't really describe. So I, I just think people who, who do have mental health issues, we can— I certainly can be so quite impulsive and get, like, quite enjoy shopping, so this is definitely something that I need to make sure that it doesn't encourage me to spend more money. I don't need that many things really, just a few nice pieces is, is a good thing. So Joyce has written a book called The Financial Mindset Fix, and it, it's a, it's quite a large book to read, but it's all broken down into chapters, and she does talk about sort of your, your mental mindset in the way of your finances. So that's going to be really interesting. Um, I'm also going to be speaking with, um, the judge Rosemary Aquilina who is based in Chicago in the United States, and she is the judge that sentenced Larry Nassar to 175 years for abusing girls, members of the United States gymnastic team. Now, I watched that because it was televised, and I listened to a lot of it, and it was like something I'd never had before. And I just messaged her because something about the way she listened, the way she'd arranged everything in her court, and her, her role as a judge, it really did something to me inside quite profoundly that I, I messaged her and she messaged back. So for the past few years, we've been sort of email messenger sort of friend people. She has a most brilliant book on, um, the audio thing called Just Watch Me, and she's had the most interesting life. She speaks really, really well, and she has done some incredible things. And yeah, I've been laughing out loud listening to her. And in fact, I was, I was actually lying on a beach trying to summon up the courage to try paddleboarding, and I'd been listening to about something that she had done, and she was saying, 'Just watch me.' So I thought, you know what, if she can do this, I I can. So that would be my sort of tip for today, is broaden your, your sort of knowledge base about people. So like, I, I found out Rosemary Acorina had these books. She's also an author, she writes novels. Those are very good too. But finding out about people and thinking, gosh, that's a really good way for me to think that I'm going to get up and I'm going to do this and you can like just watch me. And really, for Healing Image Hai, I am asking you to just watch me as I live and grow and get this sort of post-traumatic growth. And, you know, I've survived, so now it's my time to thrive. So I hope that everybody is good today, and I look forward to recording my next broadcast and speaking to you. And I'd like to thank you all very much for listening. So that's it from me. This is Eva May.