Healing Image Hi With Eva May – Wish I DID Didn’t

Hello, this is Eva May, and I'm speaking to you on the Women's Radio Station as part of my Healing Image Hi series. And this is going to be another one of my broadcasts, the second, which I call Wish I DID Didn't, which means that I really wish that I did not have a diagnosis and all the symptoms relating to that of something called Dissociative Identity Disorder. Now, it's taken me, and from what I can understand now, and other people, a very long time— we're talking years, decades— to actually get a proper diagnosis for something like Dissociative Identity Disorder or complex PTSD, so complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Nobody goes to a doctor or a therapist and says, I'm coming for treatment for dissociative identity disorder, because it's not something that I actually knew that I had initially. I went into therapy and I went privately. I took myself to— for a private referral. This is when I was about 19, so we're talking over 30 years ago, because at the time— and I'm not sure how I'd feel about it now— I felt really ashamed of the fact that I needed to go and talk to, to someone about some, some things. I wasn't sleeping very well. I'd lost a lot of weight, I was very depressed, I was having some night terror problems and also just difficulty in concentrating and carrying out sort of basic tasks. So these were the things that I presented with and I didn't want anyone to know. I was in full-time work, I used to say that I had a physio appointment and I would go into work early, have a very short lunch, and make absolutely sure that I had not missed any time at all. So I've made up for this physiotherapy appointment, which actually was going to see a therapist. So it's really hard to— well, I found it really hard to actually know where to start because the things that I had and worries and concerns, feelings, reactions, they've been around for a very long time and there wasn't a sort of chronological order to them. They, to me, they were just all in one big melting pot and I didn't know really where to start. So It was really hard, and I did used to come away feeling slightly sort of disappointed that I hadn't quite got my message across or that I wasn't really being understood. But I now realize that actually having Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is something that I would have developed because I experienced trauma in my childhood, that, um, it's a survival strategy where, um, what was happening to me was obviously not something that should happen. It never should happen to a child. And without the absence of sort of emotional support from people around me, I mean, no one knew this was something that was going on almost in plain sight but unseen by anyone else other than myself. So I didn't have the vocabulary to survive it. I would take myself away from that situation, but in my mind, and fragment it. That was what I learnt. I also had to adapt to the environment that I was in, which was threatening most of the time. It's how I would recall it, but you know, sometimes there were rewards with this. There were some, you know, some good things, some things that I liked, so it was a very, very conflicting time. And this went on for, um, for a very long time actually, even during the time that I was having therapy. And one of the other reasons that I went privately without my family knowing was because I didn't want anyone who was actually harming me at the time to find out either, because I had learned and been conditioned that if I didn't do what I was meant to, to do, then there would be some form of punishment, which I, I definitely did not want. So my priority was to, to survive and to put on an appearance of normality, which I did, and I did it very well. But it takes a toll on, on what's going on with you as a person. So it's not really the life that I should have had, meant to have. I shouldn't have had to have dealt with all those things, and especially completely on my own. So there I was, age 19, going along to these appointments, which, um, there wasn't really, um, sort of a plan of what we were going to discuss or work through or what was wrong with me or anything really. It was very much, uh, there were a lot of silence, minutes of silence where I'd sit and wonder what on earth I was meant to say, and I felt quite pressured into that. And there were also times when the person that I saw, or mainly saw, wasn't available, so there was a sort of inconsistency. So that was very, very difficult to build up any sort of trust with somebody. So I continued in my sort of— with my Dissociative Identity Disorder being undiagnosed for pretty much nearly, uh, so 25 years. Um, and, uh, it, it's actually been now that I have got some help because I do go to the Center for Dissociative Studies, which is in London. I had to get referred to that from my NHS trust in the UK because they realized that they, they did some assessments. And also because of my medical history, as particularly with dissociating, so not knowing what I was doing, and events that would lead in harm to myself and sometimes periods of needing to be in hospital that they could not provide specialist services that I need. So it's, it's quite a lot of work. It's not like going in for an operation where you can judge the, you know, the outcome by a good result. And it's also really difficult then to know if who you are seeing is the right person because your diagnosis hasn't been made. So, and as somebody who intrinsically had learnt how to survive, then I also had learnt how to give as much information as I felt somebody could possibly manage. And if I suddenly felt misunderstood or threatened or slightly triggered by what they were saying, saying something to me that just made me realize that they did not understand what I was talking about, then I would become pretty shut down on that aspect, and I could easily talk about something else and, and present myself as a really good functioning person, which is what I can and have done for a lot of time. It's like a— it's a skill that I've developed, so I can present this external cover But that was really, really useful when things were going along sort of parallel to the life that I should have had, when I could just move from one to the other. But the bad one— let's call it the bad one— was not something that I should really have experienced. So, I now have done quite a lot of work on this. I've seen, well, a huge amount of therapists actually. I've seen— I'm on number 18 at the moment, which my treatment plan with them is predicted to last for 5 to 6 years. So, but I also have a worry that I actually have only got funding for 1 year. I'm hoping that with the work that I do, and I am putting in the work. I am absolutely determined that this is going to— it's going to be— is the place that I needed to get to a long time ago, and I, I don't want to waste any time here. I want to get my life back on track. Not— well, I don't even know what that means, to be honest, but we're going to learn, and that will— not just for myself, but for my, my family and my friends and people who I'm with, and even people who I don't know who might say or trigger me, and in a way that I could maybe react inappropriately, which does happen. And I, I need to, to learn how to manage all these parts of me inside that have performed so many functions, and they're all inside my body, but they are not working together smoothly yet and not communicating very well. So I can sort of slide between my different parts several times during a day. It means that somebody in my family might be talking to me about something, and then they might about it another day, and I've got absolutely no idea what they said because that part was not present at the time. So this week I have been working using a book that I've had which has got an awful lot of information in it for professionals and patients who have Dissociative Identity Disorder. With, um, it has— it's written in a really good way. It has parts for professionals which I don't want to read, that's too technical for me, but the parts for the patients are written in rather clear, easy language and it's broken down to quite small stages. But it, it is something that I am doing with the support of a therapist. And basically, the— what we're doing at the moment is to try and keep myself stable and to stay in the present. So I do things like, um, I'm going to give you some examples. These might help you. Um, if, if not, then do as I have done, modify them, because the things that I'm doing are not actually as they are written in this book. It didn't work for me, but they say that, that you need to assess that yourself and then see if there's something else that you can do. So I at the moment am recording, and I've got a scented candle that I've lit. It's, um, it's, it's got a nice fragrance, and it's obviously got the flame that I can look at, and I do, I must admit, poke about with the soft wax every now and then as well, so I can feel it. So that's quite, um, that's something that I'm doing that is in the present. It's also got some writing on it as well. It's got a rather nice phrase. It says, 'One beautiful fragrance can create many beautiful memories.' And, and that, that's quite, that's a nice saying. But for me, one of my triggers, main, a huge trigger for me is fragrance. I was made for, oh goodness knows, years, years and years and years to wear a particular fragrance, a perfume. It's a well-known one, it's been around for years and years and years, and it's going to be around for the future. So I need to, to deal with this of seeing it, seeing advertising, it's stocked in shops, seeing it in duty-free, you know, they have a whole wall of it. I would actually love to get a stick and smash it all to pieces, but that would probably— wouldn't— probably get me arrested. And also I'd have to then smell all that fragrance, which I don't want to. So what I need to do is make sure that when I go out, I've got something that I can smell instead of this fragrance in case it comes into my head, or I can smell it and/or see it So I use a lip balm for that, a fragranced one. Mine is strawberry. So I, I do have a fragrance now, and it's only last year, so 2021, that I actually finally found a fragrance that doesn't have the notes in that the particular one I cannot wear anymore ever or even touch the bottle again. Now, it has taken me a few years to find this because I could not get any help from anybody in the, the world of perfumery to help me identify what are the things that I need to avoid, because I can't avoid— I can't afford this trigger. So I now have a fragrance I have it in the bath foam, I have it in the perfume, the spray. Rather than putting it on my body, I kind of mist it in the air and then walk into it, and I kind of quite like that. And I have that, then I spray a little bit on my cuff if I, if I'm wearing a long sleeve so that I can smell that if I need to. But if we get into a bit of difficulty and we need another one, I've got my lip balm, which is strawberry. Excuse me. I also use that for taste because it— I mean, I wouldn't eat the whole stick, but to put some of that on your lips, you can taste the strawberry element there. And I do keep a packet of mints with me as well in case I have any issues with taste, because that also can be a trigger. Um, with regard to touch, the, um, the manual suggests that you maybe look at an object and think about its color and the size of it, what it might feel like, and then actually touch it. But I can't carry objects like this around with me when I go out, and I didn't actually find this, um, I suppose it's a mindfulness exercise, very helpful. I don't find that staring at the same object and thinking things about one thing actually helps. I prefer to have the, the lip balm, the perfume, and then the thing that I find most helpful for touch are this very small foam earplugs that you can buy. I mean, people that share rooms with me sometimes have to wear them because put them in their ears because I do tend to snore a bit. No, I tend to snore a lot, but I use those, um, I have them in my pockets, those small squishy foam ones. You can buy a packet of them that's got like 100 in it, so I've got them in my pockets and my bag. They're pretty much everywhere, and I can squish those between my finger and my thumb and that's a really good thing to touch. I can also put them in my ears if I'm maybe on public transport and just finding if I'm in a ride, I get rather, rather hypervigilant about my surroundings, that just to put even one of those in can just take me away from any noise that I might then be triggered and perceive as being a threat. Another thing I do at home which could probably be done with any sort of cream that you can put on your skin, is I like to put a bit of primer and just rub it on my hand. So primer that you would put on your face before you're putting on your sort of foundation or your makeup layer. Then I find the primer in particular is, uh, it seems to leave a lasting smooth coat that you can rub on your hands. So these things may or may not be helpful, but if something's not helpful, then stop doing it or think about something, another way that you might like to do it. Triggers— I know a lot of my triggers and I've communicated those to my family and they know things. We can't really discuss it in any depth because it doesn't on the surface sound like it makes a lot of sense, but it's just the way it is. So we know in this house how to get by and manage triggers, so I don't even have to think about it. Now I'll give you an example of when I did get triggered, um, this week actually. Um, I have, um 3 houseplants, and they are extremely lucky in my house with me looking after them that they are still green and growing. Now, one of them has just got so tall, I don't know what to do with it. So, um, I have a friend who has a florist, and she sells quite a lot of plants. So I took a photograph of it and took it to her and said, look, I just, I'm not sure what I'm doing to this plant. It was really small when I got it, and now it's literally, it must be about 40, 50 centimeters high, and it, it needs sort of support, but it's just kept growing and growing, and I just really don't know what to do with it. I think it should be maybe growing out a bit, whereas I've got it growing up. Anyway, she said no, it was a sort of plant that would grow up, and I was doing quite well with it, and I had put a wooden stake in there and secured some of it, and she suggested that I use something stronger and suggested, um, little green— she had a pack of them actually to show me, and they were, um, like cable ties but for plants, so very small green thin cable ties. Now, they are a very, very big trigger for me, and it's like in an instant I feel like I am being transported back. Like, it's almost— it's a physical feeling of leaving myself, and almost like a sort of stencil of me being taken out of my body because I can't deal with that. Um, it, it brings back flashbacks of, um, years of things that shouldn't have happened. It might not just be in relation to that particular object, it could be other things as well. So the problem with a flashback is that you don't know how long they're going to last and what it's going to lead to. So when I was being abused, there was usually a pattern to it. So I, I learned to— what was the beginning, what was the middle, and what was the end. So my body managed to dissociate for that, so we didn't have to feel the full effect of it because I my brain was not able to process it, and it still is struggling. That's still work that is ongoing. So I had to just say, 'Oh, right, oh, thank you, thank you so much, that's great. Now I'm sure we've got things at home,' and, and, and just leave that situation. Just— she probably thought that I did leave rather abruptly when she was giving me the advice that I wanted because I'm trying to look after this plant. I actually— it's really nice and, you know, and they deserve to be looked after. So, um, I just said that I had to go and that's, that's exactly the right thing for me. I need to remove myself from that sort of situation. So those are my things, my— for smell touch, sound, taste. It's my lip balm, my mints, it's the primer that I can use at home, it's the perfume that I've got that I can sort of spritz over myself and walk through like a nice cloud, and I quite like that idea. And I also put the bit on my sleeve and also the the ear— the earphone— the foam earplugs that go in my pocket, so people don't have to know that you have them. They're really small, and mine are orange, so I can also look at them because orange is my favorite color. So that's also quite helpful too. So I started off like seeing this, uh, private psychiatrist to, um, or therapist who then decided that I actually needed to become an inpatient somewhere. So for depression, we didn't— I didn't have depression, I had Dissociative Identity Disorder. But we're going back a long time, and there's, there's not a lot in this country that's available for people with this anyway. So back 30 years ago, then there was even probably hardly anything, any recognition, or it would have been extremely hit and miss. To try and get that diagnosed. My hospital admission was quite strange really. It was a mixed sort of ward, so there were a lot of people with different conditions. There wasn't really a lot going on. We used to sit in a circle a lot and not really say or do very much. There were people who try and sort of facilitate conversation, but it didn't, didn't really work for me at all. Um, we were encouraged to do art, but most of the time we went out. I mean, we were just allowed to come and go as we pleased, um, which probably wasn't the best thing to, to do. Um, but I was passed as being fit enough to go out, and really I should have been doing some work on my mental health issues, whatever they were that I was presenting, and getting myself back to work. So this has gone on for, oh, such a long time, and then I did eventually have to come clean and admit that I needed some help and that person that I'd been seeing wasn't really helping me and that I needed some assistance to try and get to, to the right help. Because staying in this hospital where I was for 8 weeks with really nothing to do was— it just wasn't helpful at all. And I just was being medicated. So if we go jump forward to when I've been married, I've gone to work, I've been to university, I've got 3 children, they've all left home now, everything's got worse. I think I lost the role of being a mum, having 3 kids was like really, really busy, but, and I love that. I also worked, I worked sort of full-time, but my full-time job was it meant that I was available to, to get the children from school and run around with them with all their activities. So I think I always had a lot in my life that was distracting from anything that I needed to process. And if anything unpleasant came up and flashbacks and things, then I would dissociate. And, um, I've always been described as being a bit odd at times, and I think that's probably how it would have been presented. So all these parts that I have that, um, are basically me growing up from the age of 4 when, um, things started to go wrong, or the, the people that came into my, my life that then went on to cause the harm over many, many years came into my life they have affected all the stages of growth of brain development. So it's pretty confusing. And now I don't need to do this. I don't need to dissociate. I don't need all these parts that are fragmented, have different ideas, do different things. They even write differently. Um, I can't— I can look at something that I've written in my journal and realize that that's not my regular normal dominant writing, that's actually a different handwriting and different wording. So there are different things, and it's really confusing for me to know who I am, if I— the way I think is right. And my parts, they're all in this one body, and we've just not learned yet to work together in a smooth and sort of coordinated and flexible way, and I find it really tiring. And I have learned now that I need to go at my own pace. I need to set like a routine into my day that is achievable and manageable, and that, um, I also need to be able to, to rest So, um, I also have— 6 years ago, as a family, we got our first dog. That was, um, something that I, I never thought we'd ever have a dog. We were always cat people, but I was, um, no longer working. I did discuss my working situation, um, in my last broadcast. Because, yeah, I didn't— I wasn't able to continue my job because I went through a police investigation process and they informed my place of work, and it just made everything so awkward for me. People didn't know what to say. They're in, you know, in many ways the subject of child abuse is taboo. There's a lot about it at the moment in the press. I mean, there always is going to be various discussions around it, but I think— I mean, I have never met anyone who's personally— who's been through what I've been through to connect with. So it's quite a solitary and isolating thing. You can't just go up to people and say, "I've got this because this is what happened," and it is still kind of a bit of a taboo subject. And I was reading about some, you know, case that has been quite high-profile at the moment, and that is involving children who were sort of teenage years, well, I can't really relate to a lot of what is written and a lot of what they say because although mine did go on when I was a teenager, it started when I was an awful lot younger. So it's, in another way, in one, in some respect, it's like talking to me in a different language. So I need to try and find this way to work to this a positive outcome and keep myself in the present, and then try and work on letting myself and my different parts, my different identities, the, the person that I was through the different ages and stages of my life, understand that we can now work together and try and imagine what choices we want and what lives we want. So after my sort of stay in this hospital, I went on to see sort of other therapists and things, and I basically got more of the same. And my children and everything had all gone. I wasn't working. I mean, they're not gone, they've just left home, grown up, which is what children do, because adults, we're just children that got older. So Yeah, so I, I kind of, um, things got a lot worse, and my dissociative episodes where I can dissociate for maybe 2, 4 days were getting a lot worse. Some, some, some of the things that occurred during these times were in fact life-threatening, and I am extremely lucky that in the medical profession have managed to get me through. So after one particularly, uh, bad experience, or, um, the result of a dissociative episode where I harmed myself really very severely to the point where I— untreated, I would have lost my life— it was decided, um, during all these, like, 15, 16, however many therapists that I was to go to America for some treatment. So from the UK to the United States, where there was a particular place that dealt with trauma that was a small facility. I will tell you, it was called Cottonwood, and it's in Arizona. Quite a few people that you might know, like well-known people, have actually been there. And it was decided that I would go there. I, I had been in an inpatient in a rehab facility, a private facility in the UK, which wasn't the best fit for me at all. In fact, it just wasn't the fit, but that was the only really available thing. There was, um, so I was staying as an inpatient. I had my own room. I could have stayed in my room all day if I wanted to, so that's quite isolating. There really wasn't that much to do. There was a— the therapy department was separate to the inpatient department, so if you were down to go to a group, and during a whole day I'd be lucky if I got 3 maybe 4, and at the weekends, well, it was just— there was really nothing to do. They would try and run open art, but quite often we'd get down to the art room to find either that it was full or that it had been cancelled. So we were pretty much left to our own devices, and there was no work to do The classes that did go on during the week had outpatient attendees as well, so we never really had a sense of community because every group would have different people, and those people maybe would only turn up once a week. But when you're staying somewhere for 8 weeks and then new people are coming in and the group is talked about what what it's going to be about, it's not actually furthering anything that I was learning. I wasn't given any books, there was no presentations to do. I had some private therapy sessions which in my gut didn't feel right, and now I know that my gut was right, they were not right. So going to America was a good thing. Well, everybody thought. So I got through the admission process by using the telephone, and then I was flown out by a family member and picked up from a hotel and taken to Cottonwood. Now, I would say that it's a really— it was a really good model. Not everything there was perfect, and I was initially booked in to stay for 45 days, which felt like such a long time to be so, so far away from home, away from my family and my friends and my routine. So I was in Cottonwood with 23 other full-time residential clients, I think we were called. So we had a— it was an old 1950s holiday resort, so it had accommodation blocks, which were like nice bungalows, and they held 4 people. There was a women's section and then a men's section. Now, we were not allowed to walk past each other's areas, so that we were separated. I had 4 people maximum, usually only 3 in my room, but the rooms were really big and spacious, and the furniture was arranged so that there were some partitions We had a desk, they were nice, it was air-conditioned, we had a lovely big shower. Did have to share my shower once with a scorpion, but that is all part of living in the desert. I also— we used to come across snakes as well. There were no fences or anything because basically we were in the desert, and quite often little sort of groups of javelinas, which are like wild boar, I suppose, would come running through, and we would just have to jump on a table. So, yeah, you— we— there wasn't anywhere to go. So, and anyway, it was— it was nice. We had a swimming pool. Again, women went swimming, men weren't allowed to. We were supervised all the time. We had to make sure that we were wearing appropriate clothing. I actually got into trouble once for wearing a t-shirt with a rather large sleeve when, when I lift my arm up in the dining room, apparently somebody caught a glimpse of my bra strap, so I was told that I could not wear that t-shirt anymore. So, and there was no point in challenging this, this is how it had to be. So, My schedule at Cottonwood was full-on, but full-on in a really good way, with a good mix of activities, individual therapy groups, primary therapy groups we had 4 times a week with the same people. We were set assignments, we had a desk, we had other rooms that we could go and do our assignments, we had people we could go to and talk, we were given books, there was a shop that had books, you could borrow stuff from the library. It was just very, very helpful, and I was given my schedule at 4 o'clock the day before the day that— the next day. So we could start in the morning at like 7 o'clock with tai chi. We had a very, very good chef, so all our food was fresh and healthy. We weren't allowed any sweets or sort much sugar or anything at all. There were exercise classes, we did Zumba, we were taken out to museums, we went to rocks and ropes, we did an awful lot of equine therapy. They had a barn on site, and I can honestly say that the equine therapy is— at that barn where those horses were and in particular one horse that I worked with. And my stay there extended from 45 days to 70 days. So this horse and I, well, if I could have got it on a plane and brought it back, I would have done, because the work I did there was incredible. It's— there's a very, very strong connection between humans and horses there always has been. And with specialist therapists, they are able to initiate, and actually the horse and you do it. It— you don't ride them. But, um, there are many pieces of work that I did in that barn that, um, even though this is 7 years ago, I still think about it today. So I got pretty fit there. Everybody was just, you know, a real expert in their field. They had specialists, there were people there who had written really informative books. I had things that I could do at the weekend if I wanted to change, to do something else, then that was a possibility. And because it was only 23 of us, we also had a peer support system. Which was pretty helpful too. And we, we were a close bunch during our free time. There was again a women's area and a men's area that we— so we were separated there. And really, the— there was one sitting area we were allowed to mix together. We had daily check-ins where you do sit around in a circle and say, my name is, and I have, and today I am feeling and if anybody felt that they needed some extra support from the community that day, then there was an option to say that and you'd get that support. And we used to have wrap-up at night as well. We used to have cinema night. We could vote for films and we'd get popcorn, and we were always supervised in a very professional way too, but I didn't have my phone with me and I couldn't use the phones that they had. They only dialed out to numbers in the States, so nobody told me actually that I needed my phone. So until I got my phone, which took several weeks, I had no contact with my family at all, which was really, really hard. And it's something that I still feel quite angry about today. They're like, no, we didn't think you should have had your phone anyway. Well, It felt different when I was there. So while I was there, one of the things that they observed that I did, and it's something that I had been doing at home, is getting up in the night and going to the pantry or the fridge and getting something like rice cakes or crackers or bottles of water. And then I wasn't even awake, my husband would follow me around, and he knows not to wake me. He can observe and check that what I'm doing is safe, but not to wake me when I'm in this state. So it will be a part of me that would sense some threat or danger, so wouldn't be able to go to sleep until I'd put a whole load of broken crackers or something that would be noisy if anyone approached my bed where my head was. So I'm actually— even yesterday I had during the night put 8 bottles of water by my bed. So I've been up and down, I don't know, I can't remember doing it, but that's something that I do. And it actually does— those are the nights that I get a better sleep. If I go and put them there deliberately, think, right, okay, some part of me wants 8 bottles of water by the side of my bed could be empty, could half full, could be full. If I go and do that purposefully, I won't go to sleep. But if my— some part of me, one of my parts, gets me up in the night to do it, then I get a much, much better rest. So, um, yeah, that's— and it's not really hurting anybody, so we might as well just go with that. So I stayed in Cottonwoods And I did have some dissociative episodes there. They have a lot of monitoring cameras, so anything for anyone, not just for me, was picked up. And then you might be taken into nursing, which would be sort of separate from the wider community and just looked after there. You still had a nice garden area and you had a lounge and you had, you know, it was a pleasant place to be, but that was just if you needed a bit of extra care. But then I got some pretty, um, bad news delivered to me while I was there. Uh, seemed okay and wasn't. I dissociated and I, um, was harmed. Um, my— some part of myself harmed myself, so they decided that they couldn't really keep me anymore. I needed to go to a facility that actually specialized with Dissociative Identity Disorder, and they had one in mind. So then the process goes where you have to, to talk, you have to, on the phone to admissions, and then you have to answer a lot of questions. Then all the forms get sent, and the place that I was meant to go to in Boston had a huge waitlist. It would have been months for me to go there, and I was really quite distressed that I couldn't go to this place that I'd had all the information and it seemed the best fit. So in the States, there are a huge— it's a huge country, there are a huge amount of places there offering residential treatment. So I had to find— we had to find somewhere that had a vacancy for me. So we found somewhere that promised to deliver what I needed. I passed the admissions, uh, the discussion with my primary therapist present. And I was able to be accepted, so this was quite a relief. Because you can't stay in the States for longer than, I think it's 90 days, you have to— I had to fly home and then go back again because I would have gone over the 90 days of the consecutive stay. And when I flew there on my own to Chicago and My 45-day stay turned into 6 days of the worst nightmare that I can possibly— oh, it's very difficult now to believe how terrible, how bad, how bad it was. And luckily, and I would say this to anyone, keep a paper trail. Just keep everything that you expect that they say they're going to deliver keep a paper trail because I was locked in a building with 60 other women and we were not even allowed outside. The doors were alarmed. I opened a door thinking that I could go on to the veranda and all the alarms went off and I got into really pretty big trouble for that. I wasn't allowed to even have a bag. They took a lot of my things away from me. I had to go to the most dreadful classes and read from handouts in a circle with other women, and you had to go because if you went, you got given a paper dollar. It wasn't a real dollar, it was just a photocopy of something they'd knocked up, and I needed to go because because I had to try and get enough dollars so that I could purchase a bag so I could carry my things. I wasn't even allowed that. My bedding was absolutely disgusting, it was encrusted with I don't know what, but I got terrible dermatitis on my face and my body. I was only allowed 15 minutes in the morning to wash and 15 minutes at night then the room that I shared with 4 women, which was only big enough for 1 person— my bed was up against a chest of drawers, so I couldn't even open those. Then once the bathrooms were closed, I had to be taken to the toilet with a door left open by people who were like 17, just doing a summer job. Um, And there were no— they're just— I had 2 therapy sessions there with the therapist that I was assigned to, who we had spoken to, and they were both held in public places. There was absolutely nowhere to have any privacy. In fact, one of them I had in a corridor with her. That was the first one. And while she was doing that, in another room, I could see through the glass, they were going through my suitcase to take out my contraband. So anything that I had, toiletries, things that they considered maybe had alcohol in them— if it's in the top 3 ingredients, you can't have it— clothing that they might have thought inappropriate, jewellery, oh, anything. They can take away anything from you, and this place took away quite, quite a lot, and they were just throwing it around on the floor. They were my things and my things are precious to me. So all the classes that I've been promised, I didn't get. My 2 therapy sessions with this private sort of one-on-one therapist, this was costing nearly $1,000 a day, so you, you're talking a lot of money here, and we were interrupted both times. People came up talking in the corridor, so the second time was a bench outside and there were people coming and going. I wasn't even allowed to walk a short distance to the dining room. I had to walk in a group, and the only way that I could ever get towards the dining room was if I was good enough, went to all my classes, earned enough dollars— although that meant PE was sitting on the floor rolling a ball to someone and shouting out my favourite colour. And doing that for an hour is just completely— well, I can't imagine. I can't— still can't believe that some of this stuff goes on. My food was checked by these young girls. If I had to go and show my tray when I'd finished my food, um, I mean, I, I wasn't being treated for an eating disorder, but I certainly— it, it was— food had been a problem for me. And in fact, this practice rather triggered it. There were hundreds of us there. I think they said there were about 400 or 500 women, but we were all locked in, and oh goodness, it was terrible. So after 6 days, I, I'd actually kept some evidence of phone calls, all the meetings, the things that I had where they've gone on, what has been said. So I would really advise anyone to do that because you're not always going to get what you want until— and you're not going to know till you get there. So we managed to get me out after 72 hours, uh, well, after 6 days, and I was given a 72-hour option of trying to leave, or I could decide not to, they would try and persuade you to stay, but I actually managed to get out a bit sooner than that and got a taxi to a hotel that my family had booked, so I managed to speak to them because they wouldn't let me book a hotel. I then spent 5 days in a hotel room on my own in a place where I didn't have a car or anything, and everything was like a huge block away. It might take you 3 minutes in the car, but it took an awfully long time in a pair of flip-flops trying to get to Walmart just to get some supplies, and I was trying to get back to Cottonwood. So they had a space, my therapist wanted me there, my UK team were, were doing their side of it, and then sitting in my hotel room for 5 days watching American television and living off breakfast food, I got a message It went to voicemail, I must have been in the shower, just saying that they weren't going to take me back and I can't tell you how angry I am and how I actually feel quite foolish that a place that I had spent 70 days and spent like over £70,000 and they had tried to send me to somewhere else that they thought I needed to go to for this next process, weren't going to take me back. And that has to be one of the most dreadful moments of my life. And I then managed to get a flight out. I held it together until we were in the air, and then I absolutely just dissolved into floods of tears. The crew on the plane were amazing and they found me some, a row of seats so that I could lie down and have some sleep. I hadn't had a lot of sleep. I had got quite bad dermatitis down one side of my body and I had had to go to a pharmacy. I had to walk myself to a pharmacy to get some cream for this and I looked pretty dreadful by the time I got home. So now we've moved on. This is 7 years. I've been through 2 more therapists which have helped a little bit. One not so, um, I knew in my gut that wasn't right, but the other alternative that was presented to me was something that I was extremely fearful of and did not want. So I stayed with that person for years. Way too long. I must— I now learned to go with my gut. The next person was actually very, very helpful, but up to a point. And I think that I knew, um, we worked for 2 years together, and then we worked to, to finish, and then we had a follow-up. And from there, I have, uh, somehow sort of managed to muddle through, but then had a big dissociative episode that again meant that my life was in danger, and had I not received treatment, that I, I would have, I would have died, that I've now got to the Centre for Dissociative Studies. So next time I will be having my guest, who today has lost their voice, so this is why I've been talking about this. I hope that some of you could, uh, if you've got people at home that need support then maybe say to them, if they are to go out, you know, you've got to be present of your senses. Now, the Egyptians had the sixth sense. They had the mind as a sense, and I would really love to have— I think my mind is a sixth sense. I count that in. I don't have five, I have six. I've got more parts, so why not have more senses? So for smell, It's my lip balm and my perfume. I can't take out my great big bottle of perfume with me, I don't want to, and it wouldn't fit in my bag. And for touch, I have my ear— little ear foam earplugs, and they are also my favorite color. They do come in other colors which you may prefer, and they help with the sound. I also have what I call a Healy Image High, which is Saying hello to yourself, hi, um, playlist as well that if I need to I have that on my phone so I also make sure I have my earphones with me. So I've got the touch with the foam, the colour is the orange, I've got primer that I rub on my skin, taste and smell is my strawberry lip balm and then I'm going at my own pace. And I have to— I— when I find things difficult to express or communicate to and I need some time on my own or to rest, I, um, I snuggle up with the dog or go out with my dog because she gives me, um, another way of seeing the world. That, you know, I'm following what she wants to do if we're out on the field or something. So I just try and do something that is going to be helpful. I don't mean that it's got to be so distracting or so compulsive that you're not ever going to give yourself time to try and do these exercises to stay in the present, but because that's important, you can't run away from things. I've done that for too long and it's been to my cost. So now it's time for me, it's time for my healing image journey to move forward and try and get all my parts moving together so that they're nice and smooth and can communicate and I can choose my life. Thank you.