Judymay Is Listening – All Your Pesky Problems Solved

Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome, welcome. It is Monday at noon. We are broadcasting live from, from WRS from our gorgeous little studio in Covent Garden and we are all about you. This is Judy Mayes listening. I'm listening to you. You are sending me in the most incredible questions, some of them quite heartbreaking, some of them really inspiring, all of them really, really important because here on women's radio station we're about supporting women's well being. And our well being really starts with looking at what exactly is the problem and, and then finding different ways to tell ourselves that there's things that we can do, different ways to take action. Very often we just keep repeating the problem over and over again rather than saying, right, what are three things I can do in order to make this good? So many questions have come in. I'm Judy Mae Murphy by the way for some of you who are new to the show and I'm an international motivational speaker, author, I have a few self help books out around the world and also full time coach. I coach people every single day. And what I really love is we can get people from being quite despondent and wondering if things are ever going to change to having those things not just change, but utterly transform. I was hearing from a guy during the week who when I first met him, he'd hit rock bottom. So this is useful to I think pretty much everybody that feels a little bit like life isn't working out. This was a guy who very early on in his life he'd had a few really good wins, he'd become quite famous, he was living the life of his dreams. He got married, he had a kid. And then things kind of started to go a little bit south in that his wife wanted to move back to the town that they were both from. He then had to commute really long distances. He was working in show business, he started to get tired, his health started to suffer. To cut a long story short, he got to a point where he was no longer getting any work because people started to see him as being untrustworthy. And it was just purely because of the distance, not because of anything in his character. And he got himself to a point point where his wife was divorcing him, she was threatening to take their child away completely. He went from feeling a few years before like he had it all to feeling like he had nothing. And he very readily shares this story. I'm not sharing his name, but to let you know why I feel comfortable sharing his details with you. He shares his story with everybody because he knows that we need to hear this. That no matter how things are right now, things can be a lot, lot better. And if they're great right now, they can still be a lot, lot better. That if you are functioning at a high level, having a great time, you can then start to give back and give service at a much greater rate. So wherever you're at right now, as you listen, please know that it's okay. It really is okay. So what happened with this not so young man anymore? Well, and that was part of his problem was he was saying to himself, I can't start over again. Because at the point where he reached absolute rock bottom, he was in his early 50s. Well, let me tell you, over the course of three years, he turned himself around so comprehensively he managed to, you know, sort out custody. He now has custody of his kid part time. He now has a really, really great business and his TV show is going to be all around the world in two weeks time. So he's, you know, not just part of the team, it's his production company that makes the show and he's also one of the stars of it. And that is enormous. That is from a point where he was sitting there one Saturday morning and just, you know, the reason that he reached out to me wasn't in order to turn things around, but because he didn't want to die alone. So I just want you to know that whatever is going on for you, there's a chance for you to turn it around. Always, Always, always. Alrighty. So let's jump into our questions here. The first question that we have, oh, by the way, what I've done is I've put it into different categories because a lot of people say there's nothing that I can do because I, you know, I've always been bad at this thing. But you'll start to see that no matter what category we're answering the question in, it really problem solving is about your mindset rather than it being about the actual problem. Because there are people who have had your problem and have got in and out of it really fast. And then there are some people who have an identical problem and they might never get out of it in this lifetime. And it's simply to do with how you approach it and the action that you take to turn it around. So let's go for our first question. And these come from you, by the way. And if you Want to ask a question on this show, you just email me@infoinfojudymay tv. So Jen says, I started eating healthily three months ago and my body hasn't changed. I might as well have kept eating the food I like as it hasn't made any sense difference. I'm really depressed. So, Jen, first of all, I always like to start with the last thing that someone says when they're presenting a problem to me. And here you say, I'm really depressed. So let's have a little look at what you mean by that. So usually when people are talking about that they're depressed, what they're saying is that they feel helpless, they feel powerless, they feel that there's nothing they can do to make things better. They feel sort of just like a little animal trapped in a cage around this issue. So when you're saying I feel depressed, you're saying I feel helpless. And so the way that I always turn around any sort of little dip of depression is to say to myself, and what can I do? And it might be something as simple as I can take a nap, I can drink water, but in this case, there's a lot that we can do. Starting off with the fact that you started to eat healthily three months ago, when you say my body hasn't changed, I presume that the way that you are figuring that is you're looking at your body in the mirror and, and perhaps also you are checking out the clothes that you can fit into. And what I would do is I would suggest that if your body was being fed toxic food for quite some time, it can take time for that to turn around. And in the meantime, your cells are repairing themselves. This is the invisible work that we just don't see. So start to keep a journal of how much more energized are you, how are you getting sick less frequently. Sometimes we feel like there's no progress because we are judging it by a particular yardstick. A lot of people who start a business, they judge how the business is going according to something like how many followers they have on social media or according to how much money is coming in. But in the initial stages of a business, things like setting up systems marketing, you know, learning, learning your business, all these things are going on. So if you are judging it, if you're judging your progress or lack of progress based on just one thing, you might get quite a skewed view of what's going on. The next thing that I'd look at is this idea of, I might as well have Kept eating the food that I like as it hasn't made any difference. We're often so tempted to do that. We're so tempted to say to ourselves, it's not working, and then to just throw in the towel really, really early on. And I'd like to discourage everyone from doing that. I'd like instead to encourage you to make the changes rather than saying it's not working and seeing it as a binary thing. It's either I eat this healthy food that I don't like so much, or I go back to the other food that was delicious to me, and instead perhaps look at maybe, is it as healthy as you think? Because I know some people who don't really know much about nutrition, and that's okay. Like, we're not taught it in school very often. And a lot of the advice about nutrition that's out there is old advice. And so they. One client of mine that I'm thinking of, she said to me, oh, yes, I've been eating really healthy food this week. And so for the second week, I said, will you send me pictures? She was sending pictures of fried chicken. And I said to her, honey, what. In what universe, just playfully, in what universe is fried chicken healthy food? And she said, I threw away the bun, so normally she would have it with bread. And she was really, really believing that. And I said, well, and, you know, are you eating then more of this fried chicken because you've thrown away the bun? She goes, well, yeah, to fill me up, I'm having twice as much. But it's just the chicken. Chicken's good for you. I'm like, mmm, yes. Well, let's have a little look at that. Another client of mine was talking about how she was eating salads, and then she sent me a picture of the salad. And the salad was mostly cheese. So it could be. Because I don't have details, I'm not saying it is this, but it could be that your idea of eating healthily isn't, in fact, your body's idea of eating healthily. For some people, they say, I'm eating healthily. And they're taking these Shakespeare. And so your body's metabolism is slowing down because it's not getting any real food. So I would say get your coach or someone to have a look, someone maybe who's really, really good at eating healthily, who's had a great rocking body, really energized for years, and say to them, what do you think about this? Just a suggestion. Because maybe it's that, and maybe it's that you just need to keep going for a little bit longer. Often people give up right before the breakthrough moment. So, you know, the way our bodies are designed is that they do change. They do change when we start to eat more healthily. So stick with it, maybe tweak it. And also say to yourself that, you know, there could be something else that needs to happen. Maybe do you need to go for a colonic? Maybe you need to go for a massage. Is there some more help that your body needs? Which leads us on to our next question, which is all about exercise. So I'll just, I'll state the question now and then we'll go to the ad break and we're going to answer this after the break. So this is from someone who didn't give their name and she's saying, I can't get to the gym. I quite like it once I'm there, but most days I end up going straight home from work. My cousin's wedding is coming up and I want to look good. So my cousin's wedding's coming up and I want to look good. As you know, we always look to the last thing that someone says. So it looks like that is your motivation. Your motivation is looking good for a particular event and that can be a great motivation. However, if it's not working for you right now, you're not motivated enough. How do we know whether we're motivated enough? We're either doing it or we're not. So motivation is a physical thing. It's not like I feel like doing it. You can not feel like going to the gym. But if you still get yourself in the door, you have been motivated to get yourself in the door. So what we need to look at is this, this kind of helplessness that you have around it. Again, that same word, helplessness. I can't get to the gym. That's a bit of a statement. I can't. So already you've kind of factored in failure into the very, very question. So often it's worthwhile just restating the question. So how about, you know, for the last X number of weeks I haven't made it into the gym for some reason. And then we can work out what the reason is. But if you're saying to yourself, I can't do something, we're pretty much putting the brakes on our brain. We're pretty much saying to ourself that this is just a no go. So. So, you know, maybe you're looking for me to help you out with your excuses and I'm not in that business, you know, I just. Sorry, but I love you far too much for that and so do you. So let's start to look at what it is that we can do. If anyone's feeling that there's something that they are just not taking action on and it seems mysterious because they don't really mind it, what's really going on? 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Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio station, that's womensradio STN or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Wow. Transforming everything. That's a bit of a big claim, isn't it? But that's what I do. I'm Judy Mae Murphy. I'm coming to you live at 12 o' clock on Mondays, every single Monday in Covent Garden here on women's radio station wrs, supporting women's well being. And today what we're doing is we are problem solving. We're going through all these different problems not just to solve those individual problems, but to start to give you some other ideas of how problem solving can be done. The speed bumps that you meet in the road, the ways that you take wrong turnings, the ways you can get yourself back on track. So right before the ad break, we were reading out a question that comes from a listener and she says, I can't get to the gym. I quite like it once I'm there, but most days I end up going straight home from work. My cousin's wedding is coming up and I want to look good. So first of all, looking at your motivation, if the cousin's wedding isn't enough motivation, then we got to look at what would be. So what is it that even if you hated the gym, even if it was almost impossible to get to, there is no way that you would dream of missing your workout? Some people say, well, if it was my wedding, it would be a different thing. And some people say, well, I just, I don't mind being a little bit out of shape. I think that I find really useful is on Instagram, I follow women who have got like such a high standard for the way their bodies are. And it's not that I'm looking to spend four hours every day in the gym and get to that place, they're actually professional athletes. But it's just sort of raising the standard in my brain. It's just making me that little bit extra, giving that little extra layer of discomfort around how I look. And I look pretty great. So that's often a thing that you can do is surround yourself with images or with actual people who are living that thing at a higher level. So if the thing that you're finding it tough to get disciplined and focused around is bringing in more money, get around people who are making way more money than you. And just when they're talking about the things that they're doing, the way that they're living their own expectation, your brain will become a good kind of dissatisfied. And so that would be the first thing, is to look at a way to raise your standard, raise your desire for how it is that you want to look. The next thing then is that you talked about, I quite like it once I'm there. Good. First of all, I quite like it once I'm there. Are we going to settle for things that we quite like or are we going to keep tweaking and creating and finding things that we absolutely love? I have a client right now who she's in her 30s and she's just taken up skateboarding and she is just rocking it out. She's alive for it. She managed to do something in her work that then was then connected with her skateboarding. You cannot stop her. And that's what you want. You want to make it so that you cannot be stopped, not that you cannot be kind of kick started. So that's the difference right there. So is it that you quite like that, but you would absolutely love swimming, but you just don't know of a swimming pool? Is it that you quite like the gym and you'd really like it if you had a buddy there with you working out? Is it that you quite like it right now? But if you had your own music to play and you weren't listening to the elevator style music that's on in your gym, that then it would be even more pleasurable and it would just pull you in the door of that gym every night. The next thing that you're saying is, I end up going straight home from work. The inference being that you're trying to work out, you're Trying to do something that you don't super want to do at a point where you are really, really tired, where you absolutely want to collapse. Two things here. Either can you switch it so you work out in the morning or, you know, before work or during your lunch break, or can you just take a break? Can you not leave work or not leave the environment? And somewhere in between your work and the gym, can you go and get yourself a cup of tea and sit down, have a snack and just chill out so you're chilled out while you are near the gym, and then that way you can still go. But if you're going all the way home to chill out, the chances are you'll be like, okay, I'm here for the night, so a few little tweaks there. But certainly let's change that idea of I can't get to the gym because that's a blocker, and instead say, you know, let's get curious here. What are ways that I can make it more pleasurable? What are ways that I can want it more and design around that? And then you'll find yourself working out every day because that's what you want. You don't really want to go to that gym at that particular time. It's just that you've told yourself a story that that's really the most available thing to you. So my question is it. What else is available? All right, thank you so much for those questions. Now we're moving on to another one. This is from Ali, and Ali sent me a big, long email, and her basically the gist of it is that she's single and doesn't want to be. And in it she says, I went on a date last week and we got on well and I was so nervous, I felt a bit sick the whole time. We sent a few messages after, but they haven't asked me out again. I'm starting to think I'll be single forever, and I don't even mind that. Okay, so again, let's look to the last statement. I think I'll be single forever. And I don't even mind that when someone says that something is never, you know, I will. If someone says to me, I will never be able to be a vegetarian, or I'll never be out of debt, or I'll never be rich, or I'll never. That kind of fascinates me because my first thought is, well, how do you know things change so much even in a couple of weeks, let alone a couple of years or a couple of decades that you don't know. You don't know that you'll always be single. You don't know that you'll never be a multimillionaire. You actually don't know. None of us do. So let's start from the fact that it's pretty much a blank slate out there in the future and that we can start to claim things and do things differently and change the way that that future will show up for us. So the red flag for me is where you say, I don't even mind that I'll be single forever. I don't even mind that. So what that really is telling us is that you're hurt. You're either starting to think that there's something broken about you or wrong with you, or that all the good people are taken. So what I'd ask you to do, Ali, is write down the beliefs that you've got around that what is it that you think? Is it that you think that it will continue to be a waste of time? Because remember, you only need one. My cousin Harry always says that you only need one and then you're done. So it's not like you have to keep dating for the rest of your life. You just got to keep dating until you meet someone who is right for you at the right time and you're both committed to making it work. And that happens all the time. I have so many clients and friends who really started to think that it was never going to happen for them. And then a year later they are complaining that, that their lover or their fiance in some cases is doing something that's annoying them. And I'm like, well, what a great quality problem. Your fiance forgot to put petrol in the car. Fantastic. Do you remember a year ago when you had a car and no fiance? And this is what we need to do, is we need to remember that things do change radically and also that we are different this time around. So if you're at all paying attention, as long as you're not just always shoving the responsibility and the blame of off onto somebody else, then you have learned things. So you have learned not to settle for someone who you initially know isn't right for you not to just fall into a relationship because you're lonely and maybe tell yourself you'll just stay there for a while. Perhaps what you've learned is to see the red flags for narcissism, that if somebody isn't paying attention to you or is like over wooing you and being very charming and almost fake and showing up as prince or princess Charming Then you know that you need to slow that down and really look at that and ask certain questions. So what is it that you've learned? And make a list of it things, you know, mistakes that I really am committed to not making again. And then that way you can know that you're not going to be hurt in the same way. Maybe it was something like I hear from so many women who have lent vast amounts of money to boyfriends, sometimes people they've been dating for a short amount of time and they said, oh, it's just, it's not his fault, he just needs this. There's a dip in his business and he just needed to bring in the inventory and he's a very successful businessman and they don't see the money or the guy again. It happens so, so often. So just, just make sure that you know what it is that you want. And also maybe design out not just the person you're looking for, but who you want to be in that relationship as well. Is it that you want, need to be somebody who isn't so needy? Is it that you need to work on you having your own independent activities so that you're not completely, you know, just clinging onto them leech like for the entire weekend, expecting them to entertain you? Can you like show up as a, as an individual? Can you show up as a person who has their own amazing life and then they think this is great, I've got my amazing life, she's got her amazing life, and together we will start to blend those lives. But if only one person has the amazing life and the other person drops everything, that's not going to work. But it sounds ali from what you're saying, that you have quite a delicate body, that you react, that you're quite sensitive to things. And I'm wondering if perhaps you are one of those highly sensitive people. I'm hsp, as we call ourselves and there's a really, really great book out there called Highly Sensitive Person. I'd really recommend that you, that you have a look at that, read through it and see that. Well, that's because the reason that you feel strange or the reason that you were nervous and you felt a bit sick the whole time is because your body is overreacting. Like your body knows it needs to be alert. Your body is looking out for am I going to get hurt here or is this going to be okay? Is this person going to like me? And your body's kind of like over joining in. Some of us have bodies that just join in way too readily and for way too long with everything that happens in life. So again, that's not you. That's okay. There are plenty of people who went on first dates that felt like that and then went on second dates that still felt like that and then went on third dates that felt a little less like that and so on. So just because it happens on a first date, it doesn't mean that this is what you are doomed to experience forever. Same thing with them not seeming so interested afterwards. Have a little look at those messages, by the way, because it could be ally that maybe you accidentally failed to signal your interest to see them again. That if they said something like, it was lovely to meet you last night, had a really good time, if you just sent a thing back that said, yeah, likewise, you know, if you're not sort of a gushy person, you just were just like, oh yeah, me too. That might come across because you don't have voice tone to help you. That might come across as the brush off. Particularly if that's a person's sensitivity and they're like, oh, I know that, I know that phrase. That phrase means no more. So it might be worth reading through and asking yourself, you know, well, you know what, let me just reach out one more time and just say, hey, how's it going? Hope you're having a good week and then you'll know one way or another. Are they interested in pursuing it any further? But we so often give up on something when we really don't need to. So we've got more right after these welcome to the Women's Radio Station Supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months, I'll be doing a survey in big brand coffee shops, interviewing customers, asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a health tip. For our listeners, the most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. Stay tuned for further details. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. 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For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Welcome to welcome to Judy Mayer's Listener. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. How is your day so far? How are you getting along? This is Judy Mae Murphy here on women's radio station supporting women's well being. Sometimes when our day isn't going as we'd like, or sometimes when we get kind of stuck in a clunky bit of our lives, maybe it's that, you know, bills need to be paid or maybe there's a family member who's ill and it just seems like we've got a season of difficulty. It's very difficult in those times to remember to design your day. And so what I'd like to do is just drop in a tiny little idea for you and that is that no matter what's going on, no matter how busy you are, no Matter how things have been going or no matter what you thought today was going to be like, you can actually feel. Feel really, really good, like right now. If I was to ask you what would it be like if you were to feel really happy right now, really content, no matter what's going on, if you didn't wait until that thing came good, what would that feeling be like in your body? Can you remember a time when you felt incredible? What was that like? And if you can experience that for a couple of seconds, you can just keep it going. It's not the case that you need to. Elspeth's looking at me right now, you know, our associate producer, Elspeth, and she's just, she's laughing. She was doing that. I can tell she was doing that because she's suddenly. Her eyes aren't really wide and she was kind of like, oh, hello. Yes. Right, so this is what we need to do is we need to remember that we can feel much better than our usual default setting in any moment before we even start solving any problems. Having said that, solving problem is what we're doing here today. So right before the break, we were speaking to Ali, who said, I went on a date last week and we got on well, I was so nervous. I felt a bit sick the whole time. We sent a few messages, but they haven't asked me out again. I'm starting to think I'll be single forever and I don't even mind that. So we've been kind of unpicking that from loads and loads of different angles. And what I would say to you, a really great way to think about it is we got to stop thinking about ourselves. So if you're just thinking about, well, I'm kind of miserable right now and I'm just over it. And I know that I can enjoy myself if I just watch a movie and have a takeaway. And yeah, you can. You can have a pretty good life doing that. But let's think about the person who could be your partner. Let's think about the person who that could be with you and could be very happy with you. And right now, they're either miserable with the wrong person or miserable without you or having an okay life without you. And together you're going to be having an incredible time. So maybe give a little thought to the person that you're gonna end up with. Just an idea. Alright, so, moving along, we've got a question from Izzy next. She says, I'm so bored with my marriage that I've been thinking about Having an affair. I don't want to hurt anyone, but my husband makes zero effort, and I'm not in love with him anymore. Okay, so that's pretty much a statement. A statement. A series of statements. And Izzy, I know there's so many women who can relate to that. So many people who also have been in jobs for a long time and they're feeling bored or roles such as motherhood or, you know, roles such as care, and they're feeling the same way. Just, I'm done. I'm not feeling it anymore. There's nothing in this for me. And what we've got to realize is that the situation doesn't have control over everything. The situation is an aspect of it. It's a part of it, but it's not everything. So first up, let's just jump into the middle here and say, I've been thinking about having an affair, but I don't want to hurt anyone. It does. It hurts everyone. Doing anything in a dishonest way hurts everybody. It might paper over the cracks for a short amount of time, but not even later. Always sooner. It ends up hurting people because people just know energetically if you're acting differently, if you're both kind of, like, elated and also nothing else has changed, they're going to be wondering why, and they're going to know. People do know. Everyone that has been cheated on, they've said, you know what? I pretty much knew when I think, when I look back, I pretty much knew straight out of the gate. Because there are different chemicals rushing through. When you have that, you know, initial burst of energy around someone, that initial kind of chemical attraction. We can read that. So nobody is ever fooled for any amount of time. But also the thing is that. Is that who you really want to be? Is that what you want looking back over your life? Is that what you want your legacy to be? Is that what you want your. If someone's writing a biography of you, is that the chapter that's going to be your golden shining chapter? I don't think so. So let's look at some other ways that we can do it. So what's going to happen is further down the line, either you're going to stay with your husband or you're not. But we don't even have to think about that right now. A lot of people try to make a decision that it's not time to make that decision. People try to make the decision, do I leave this job or do I start doing my PhD or do I anything? You know, is it time now to have a baby and there's other things to be taken care of. Maybe before you have a baby, you've got to get more financially secure and get your body in shape and, you know, make sure your relationship's rock solid. Maybe before you leave that job, you've got to look at, well, how am I going to be bringing in money? Do I need to save some more? So usually there's preparation time for any of these big life decisions, but right now you don't have nearly enough information in order to make the stay or go decision. So when you say, my husband makes zero effort and I'm not in love with him anymore, really, you know, to use that cliche of it takes two to tango. Let's look at that. Let's not be bored with that phrase. Let's not think that that phrase is overly simplistic. There are two people in this relationship, and he's probably feeling the same way about you. Now, you might be every now and then going out for a night out with the girls, or maybe you took up tap class or something quite cosmetic like that, which is a good start. But perhaps he's bored with the fact that you're bored with your life. This is what happens, that boredom is really an anxiety. It's an anxiety that says that things aren't going to get much better. And as human beings, one of the things that is so, so important to us is this feeling of progress. It's not about getting to a particular point. It's about, is my life better than it was before? So you might have someone who never learned how to read and write, and for them, learning how to read and write and, you know, being able to send a letter might feel better than someone who's just always been academic and they end up getting a PhD. I mean, it really is relative in this case. So have a think about what is it that you have been giving up on? What is it that you've been telling yourself this isn't possible? Is it that you simply made all the dreams you had come true and you didn't put in place other dreams? I've got a phrase that I love called dreaming beyond the dream. And I say to people, don't even wait until you've got the first layer of dreams done. Realize that once you get to that place, you're going to be able to dream beyond the dream. You're going to be able to have dreams that right now seem ludicrous. But once you get to that first layer, it's going to seem like, well, of course, of course I can get to that even higher mountain. So I've got a lot of clients who are in show business and they will say, well, it seems silly to be talking about the Oscars. And I've got clients who. I've got a client who was nominated for an Oscar. I've got clients who have won Emmys and SAG awards and Golden Globes and BAFTAs and all kinds of things. But for each of them, it wasn't that they every day got up saying, right, I'm gonna go and win a huge award. It was the next level. What seemed doable and yet was enough of a stretch to be exciting. So I would suggest that your husband isn't the problem so much as your dreaming bone. Like, what is it? Like what. What is it that is missing? Are you just failing to dream? Are you just saying, well, just get by. Are you looking at all the other people around you and saying, well, this is what life is like. So maybe get around people who are doing absolutely extraordinary things. Maybe you're just exhausted from looking after everybody, a thing that a lot of women have. Maybe you haven't been thinking about the things that you can do to make your life extraordinary. Maybe you've had this group think going on the whole time. Maybe you've been trying to take care of the tribe and so you've stopped taking care of you. And guaranteed, when you start taking care of you and start to get excited and start to set those goals and start to make them happen and rock it out, all kinds of things happen. It's never the case that you just have an idea for something and then nothing else changes. Let's imagine that you have this idea and you say to yourself, okay, I might or might not be leaving my marriage, but for sure I'm going to make sure that I have the house paid off. That'll make everything seem possible if I just get the house paid off. And the moment you commit to that, if that's your thing, for some people it might not be, but for some people, it might be. If that's your thing, suddenly you are just thinking in a very different way. You'll end up eating in a different way, maybe dressing in a different way when you feel more empowered. You know, the hair and the shoes are often the things to change first. So let's get that going. Let's just start to get you excited for life and not put all that pressure onto your husband. It's your job to make sure that you are enthralled with your own existence. And then anybody else is kind of an addition to that. So another thing that you were saying was, I'm not in love with him anymore. Well, you can't know that because there's just so much muck in the way. There's so much gunk. There's so much that's getting in the way of all of your feelings. So you don't know how you feel really about anything. You feel like you just want to push it all away. There's a kind of a numbness to what you're going through. So when you say, I don't love him anymore, I'd really challenge that. I'd be like, no. Get yourself to a place where you know who you love. And the first job is to fall madly in love with your life. That's what makes you feel madly in love with yourself. That's what makes you get madly in love with possibilities. Do all that falling in love. Just remind yourself what it's like to be in love irrespective of the person that you are projecting it onto or sharing it with in that moment. That also goes for Ali, our. Our lovely single lady. Same thing, you know, be in love and then the right person will appear. So be in love with every aspect of your life, and then you will find that your husband maybe finds himself again. But that's not your responsibility, that's his. Something's going to shift. He might stay in the same place and then you will have clarity about, yeah, it really is true that he's not the one for me anymore. But first of all, you become the one for you. So what we've been dealing with so far is we've been talking about how to solve problems, how to make sure that we don't give up too easily when it comes to eating healthily. How we can make healthy eating even more fun. Also then how we can change around our thinking so that we can get to exercise more often in a way that feels incredible to us. And also how we can, you know, not get so exhausted that we can actually recover our energy in order to go on and do anything else, whether that's exercising or going to the theater or meeting people after work. Then we've been talking about what it is that we can do if we're starting to feel like a problem is down for down for good. Like not just down for the day, but down forever. Down for your destiny. With Ali, she was feeling that she's going to be single forever. We now know that that is not the case. Ali, we really look forward to hearing all about your progress on that. And now we also realize that our first responsibility is to fall back in love with life, to really start making it happen. There are some so many opportunities. More after this. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station Supporting Women's Wellbeing and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's wellbeing. Each show I shared airwaves with ordinary women like me and you doing extraordinary things. Women who've overcome huge obstacles in their lives who are now here with me to empower you on the Radical Wellbeing Show. You'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with the theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadio station. That's WomensRadio stn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome to Judy May is Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. I'm Judy Mae Murphy and you are listening to wrs, women's radio station supporting women's well being. We come to you live every noon on Mondays from our studios in Covent Garden. And you can also listen to the replay at midnight and noon every single day this week. So sometimes people want to just listen again when they're learning this stuff. It's good to sort of just marinate yourself in it and say, yeah, you know what? This is something I can learn how to do. I wasn't good at this for years. I would just sit there and have the most massive emotional reaction and then moan at people and then maybe try one thing and then give up and wonder why my life wasn't where I needed it to be. These days, the fact that my life is so extraordinary. I've got the business that I adore, the social life. I adore people around me that are just extraordinary. Every aspect of my life is so, so stunningly brilliant compared to what it was. And I mean, by anyone's terms, I'm very, very blessed. And I want that for you. I really, really want that for you. And wherever you're starting out, if you are young, if you are older, if you feel that your problems are too big, I really want to tell you that it's not just about my stories. It's about all the stories that I've collected, all the people I've been around for the last 20 years particularly, and how people have massively, massively transformed everything, as the jingle says. So we're gonna look at one more question here from Nicola and then we're gonna bring in our associate producer, Elspeth, because she's been listening attentively and capturing the Things, the ideas that have been lighting her up and we're gonna go a little bit deeper on those. So Nicola starts with. Thank you for your show, Nicola. Very welcome. It's our show. It's all about. It's led by you. Even if that's not always clear. It always, always starts with someone sending me a message that gives the idea for what we're going to deal with. And Nicola goes on to say, I never get what I want. If we're going to dinner or drinks, it's never where I want, ever. I feel I'm being used by everyone. I help them with their stuff and they never help me. I cry myself to sleep most nights now. Nicola went on It's a lot longer that message. And she went on to detail how it's friends of hers, it's family members, it's the guy that she's been dating that she really feels like everyone is treating her in that way. And that is your reality and that's valid. And if anyone tries to tell you, no, that's not happening. No, no, no. You get to decide. Remember that time when you decided that we were going to go to the Indian place and then you're thinking everyone wanted to go to the Indian place. That wasn't my decision. It was just happened to be your decision that I was happy with. So if ever anyone tries to tell you that your childhood wasn't the way you remember it, that an experience wasn't, you think it was that. No, you didn't get sexually harassed or you know, no, you're not tired. It's incredible how some people will try to tell you what your life is, what your experience is. Don't let that happen. You are the expert on you, you get to call it. So this is your experience, Nicola. And so there's either two things going on and it could be a combination of both. The first thing is are you actually communicating to people what it is that you want? You might think you are. You might think you're communicating and being polite, but they might be hearing something else. The communication, the way it lands with them and you know the NLP phrase communication is the response that we get. The way that they're responding to you is as if you had said to them, I don't mind what we do. Is that the case? Are you actually saying I don't mind or are you using quite a flimsy language like maybe we could go here or what about if. Or I quite like this. So it could be a question that you just got to Toughen up your language and say something like, if we go out tonight, I'm going to insist that we go to the Italian place that I like, or I'm going to insist that we go to this place down the road, otherwise you're on your own. And that will make them sit up and pay attention. But right now they're just presuming that you're gonna go along with anything. Who wouldn't want that? Who wouldn't want someone who will show up and do whatever the other person wants, but it's not good for either of you. So that's number one, is look at the language that you're using, look at how you are saying it. And if you've got something getting in the way like, well, I don't want to be rude. Well, it's not rude. If they know that you don't want to be there and they are still making you be there, then it's them that's being rude. And you have to start to step up and say, you know what, I'm here on the planet. I am not needless and wantless. So many of us were raised to have no needs, no wants, only to serve other people's needs and wants that we have to just say, I'm just calling a halt to that, calling a halt to it not happening anymore. And remember, they can't actually frog march you down to a particular restaurant. They can't actually. Some of the other things that you talked about were that you go, if a friend is doing a big clear out and you'll spend an entire weekend helping them to clear out their house and then there's no reciprocity, they don't come back and help you to clear out your house. Well, you need to have learned at that point, if you've got this ongoing terminal hope that people will start to give you what it is that you give to them, you need to wake up and stop being so naive. And that's a hard thing to say to people who are believing that they're being lovely and they're coming from a place of being lovely, but it's actually at this point hurting you. It's actually naivety and it's not good. And it's not the case that they're going to learn from you. If you do it enough, then eventually they're going to wake up. I did that for years. For years. I used to cook these huge big meals for everybody, particularly for my family. Used to just, you know, spend a whole day shopping and preparing and another day Actually cooking the food. And then on the, you know, the day that the evening was being served, I wouldn't sit down because I was too busy serving everybody. I was literally the servant of the world. And so many women do that in the hope that at some stage, the pat on the back, the atta girl, the oh, gosh, what could we do? What would you do without you Phrase is going to land and is going to feed us, is going to give us the attention and the respect that we're looking for. We've got to try a completely different strategy. We've got to live a completely different strategy. And that is of saying, do I actually want to do this thing? I've stopped doing things I don't want to do. Very rarely, if I, if I am doing something I don't want to do, I'll say to the person, I don't want to do this. And I'm doing it because afterwards you've agreed to do this, right? So, you know, if I'm, if I'm doing a favor for someone, I'll say, okay, so if I do this for you, will you guarantee that you'll do this for me? And if you ask them to go first and they don't go first, you've got a pretty big answer right there that maybe they didn't intend on it. There are people who just are so used to using other people you say right here, that you feel used. Well, maybe there's a good reason for that. Maybe you are being used. So the only way this is going to turn around isn't by people looking at your sorrow. They're not going to respond to your sorrow. That's going to be a thing that they're going to just move away from while they continue to take advantage of you. So, a, are you communicating it strongly enough? Sometimes we think that we've said something and the other person doesn't think we've said it at all. Is it that it needs to be written in writing, not making them wrong, just saying, this is what I want, this is what I need. And if they are someone who is about taking advantage, then what is it that you can do to go and be around people who want to be with you, for you? And if you haven't been around those people for a while, you start to wonder, do they even exist? They do. And they do want to be around you. And you're going to be a great gift to them. And start looking, start looking for new friends, start looking for new family, your family of origin. If they are completely dysfunctional and many are. They can't. And they will never be able to give you what you need. You can love them, but then you can actively be in family with very, very different people. So, Elspeth, how have you been feeling about today? I saw you writing notes at an even faster pace than you normally in the show. I've written a lot of notes today. A lot. A lot has spoken to me. I would say one of the first things you said is don't throw the towel in early. That I have had that so many times. Like, very recently, I was just like, I might just quit this all. I might just go home and live in a hole as I do. I remember. When was it? It was in March, and I had got this job interview back in Cheltenham and I just. I felt. Because I got it in December time I got it and December, I felt like I had just hit a wall. Everything was too much. It was a hard job to have that I was doing. I just didn't know which way was up and I just. So you were responding to the feeling. The feeling of being stuck was what you were responding to rather than the fact, which was, you know what? It's a really tough time of year. I'm really exhausted. Things are gonna get better. I can work this out. So are you happy now that you stayed in London and didn't go back to Cheltenham? Yeah. So I did the job interview and everything, got it, but then I turned it down. I did not know this. I know, Exciting. But I turned it down because I just felt I would be going 100 yards backwards because within those three months, everything had changed. If I had did it in December, nothing would have changed. That is so interesting. Within those three months. So you went from being despondent and within three months everything changed? Yeah. And at the point where you felt like nothing was gonna work, did you have any indication that things were gonna change? No. I generally thought, I'm still. It's just gonna stay this way. It's just gonna stay this way. I might as well just try and move on and try and rewrite it all again. But then it all worked out. We've got a couple of minutes left. So what is the. What's another thing that you were thinking, let's get curious is, is it. What else is available? What else is available? What else is available? It's a really great question just to walk through your day going, what else is available? Yeah. Has it been a time where you've asked that question and you've actually thought of something else. Every day I tend to jump from job to job. I go, I'm gonna do this now, I'm gonna do that now. Because I just continuously, I want to do everything in life, but, you know, it's. That's great. Yeah. Well, I just, what I love about that phrase is it just, even if you can't immediately answer, just reminds you that there are other answers to be had and it keeps you in the game rather than, you know, so I guess the two things are linked. It stops you from throwing in the towel because you're like, okay, so what else is available? Can't think of it right now, but you know, there is more out there. Just reminds us of that and that's a really important thing. Thank you ladies so much for joining us today. I've really enjoyed looking through all of your emails, really enjoyed answering them, helping hopefully for you to be able to be your own little internal transformation kit that you can just at any time, no matter what happens, that you can say, you know what, I can get myself to a place where I'm feeling better instantly and then I can start to get curious, come up with better answers, take better action and completely transform my life. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months, I'll be doing a survey in big brand coffee shops interviewing customers asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a health tip for our listeners. The most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. Stay tuned for further details. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together with spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs. We can tailor your experience for you. 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