Judymay Is Listening – How To Survive Christmas

This is Carolyn here from Mother's Hour wishing you a very, very merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Warmest wishes of a wonderful Christmas and happy New year from future Classic Women Awards with me Stefania Passamorte. Life every day at 10am and 10pm London time on womensradiostation.com have a great holiday. Merry Christmas. I'm Judy Mae Murphy and from all of us here at women's radio station, we hope you have an incredible holiday season. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy talking all things autism. I'd like to wish you a happy Christmas and a happy New Year from everyone at women's radio station. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome, welcome to WRS women's radio station supporting women's well being. I am Judy Mae Murphy and here with Sina and with Elspeth in the studio, we are bringing you Judy Mayes listening for the next hour. And we have decided that we are launching Christmas. It's official. We're here live at noon. It's the 2nd of December, or if you're listening to one of the replays then, hey, it's really time that you got your Christmas on. And, and for some people Christmas is a little bit of a double edged sword and that's what we're going to sort today. We've got loads and loads of questions from you, things that many of you actually sent in unannounced because your anxiety levels were kind of creeping up around the holidays. And so we're going to go and make sure that everything that you are concerned about or everything that you want to make happen happens. The things that you don't want to happen again don't happen. The things that you fear might happen that never happened don't happen. Everything to make sure that this is the best Christmas so far. And then you can build on that in future years and get back to that feeling that everybody talks about. We get so nostalgic around Christmas, don't we? We start to feel that, you know, this is something that we want, we want to go back to Christmas the way it used to be. We gotta be careful that we're not getting too nostalgic for something that in fact never existed. Because when I think about the good things about my Christmas when I was a child, there were many great things. We got loads of lovely presents. We always had a really big tree. But then I also remember that, you know what I used to Overeat massively. And I used to have this really anxious stomach. And so I spent the best part of Christmas from about 4 o' clock onwards, feeling ill and very often in bed. So sometimes we can just focus on the good things and that's a good thing to do because it gives us clues about what we can do to make things more fun, make them better for ourselves. But sometimes we can forget as well that it wasn't all that. So how can we make sure that we've got more good than not good going on this Christmas? Well, the first thing that we're going to do is we're going to make sure that we handle our families. And I have some particular family members as you do. I know you do. How do I know? Because you're human. You have some family members who make it a little bit tougher to have a good time at Christmas. You're probably already thinking about them. You're thinking about what gift you're going to give them, which will make them go and sit in the corner and just do their own thing for. For a couple hours. You're probably thinking about, you know, maybe how quickly can you get them drunk or how quickly can you. What can you do to keep them sober. You're already planning that. I had a poetry book out this week, so Monster Proof Poetry has been launched. It's a little bit different from regular poetry books. We're still on the theme of Christmas and you'll know why very soon. And the thing about this poetry book is that it's specifically designed that you can go to the index, you can work out what isn't working for you and then you can go and find the example exact right poem for you. It's out right now with Eyewear. It's a kind of a real, like little pocket manual for how to do life in verse form. So it goes in easily. And the one that's about Christmas, about dealing with Christmas, I'm actually going to say it for you. I know all my poems by heart because I like to be able to carry them around for when I need them. So it's only a minute long and hopefully this will resonate with you. It's called and so Merry Christmas. So a puppy is not just for Christmas. I know. Although some people are. Some people like you, though. Sweatered in stories you knitted with rage. Here's what I'd say if I were built brave. In fact, here's what I'd get as a facial tattoo. I am not broken. It's your eye that's bent your deaf ear. No proof that my song has no tune. Far from the wrongness you need me to be, I'm no longer wide open for slicing in two. I'm alive and I'm strong and now strangely immune. You're hot weather human mittens at best, at worst the oblivious venom and tea. And still you keep pouring your odious self all over what's left of the brightest of me ever holding my hand as if stemming a bleed. So it's not that I'm weak. For all fighters would tire of your notional construct of how I should live. Going 50 odd rounds over old cups of woe as I wrestle the me and the mine from your grip. I'd say it's not my job to forget or forgive. Restricted emotions now ribboned in ink. Merry Christmas. I'm keeping the puppy, I think. So that's for all of you who have got difficult relatives. Just know that very often it's not you at all, it's them. And you don't have to put up with it any longer. So how are we going to set some boundaries? How are we going to make sure that other people don't get in the way of our having a really, really magical time? So our first question comes in. I didn't use anyone's names because so many of you were saying this week saying, please, please, please don't use my name. Although this stuff is so universal, I'm not sure anyone will be able to guess at who you are, but because you've asked for that, absolutely, this is a very, very safe place for you. So our first listener says, excuse me, I hate to admit it, but I get really angry and resentful at my family around Christmas. I do all these things for them and then afterwards I feel furious because they didn't do the same for me. How can I have a Christmas where I get to do things for my family but I don't feel angry at them afterwards? Am I crazy to want the ideal family Christmas and to get to feel good about it? Okay, well, yeah, we're sometimes crazy. Let's just. Let's just fix it. That's the great thing about crazy is it doesn't have to be permanent and it doesn't have to drive us full time crazy for the rest of our lives. So first of all, let's look at this idea of the ideal Christmas. We are kind of sold that. We're sold it in all kind of directions. And it's not just from businesses. We think sometimes it's the marketing people who are the ones selling us on this idea of a perfect Christmas, very often it comes from our own families and our own cultures. An idea that Christmas maybe is supposed to be all about giving. I know one family who have never spent Christmas day together because they all go and volunteer and they admit that they would love to have a family Christmas where they sit around together and they eat and they open presents and they watch bad movies, but their culture and their family is that, no, it's all about giving, and we are good people and we're going to do that. For others, it's all about religion. And they're told that the ideal Christmas is about, you know, really going to church at certain times and connecting with other people in the church community and, you know, doing some things and not doing other things. For some people, it's all about, how can you impress at Christmas? There are some families who the ideal Christmas is sold to them as a trip to Saint Barts and being on the beach and, you know, then going off and having pictures of you having Christmas dinner and wearing these Christmas dinner hats and pulling crackers on a yacht. And so that is sold to some people as the ideal Christmas. So let's be really clear. There is no such thing. There is only what works for you, what makes your day better, and also what makes it that you get to really tap into what Christmas is all about or what the holidays are all about. Whatever holidays you celebrate for you, or even if you say, right, I'm not religious and I don't celebrate at all. What about this time of year? We've always known as humans that it's good to have ritual. It's good to have ways of just reassessing, of saying, right, what? What is going on here? How am I connected to the Trib? How is it I can feel better in the middle of winter? And having a think about that, what is Christmas? If you go right back to the basics, is it like a rebirth for you? Is it finding light in the middle of darkness? Is it a time to relax? Where you get this kind of global permission to just take some time off, whereas usually people are more rushed? Is it about connecting with family? What is it for you? If you could just design yourself your ideal day, what would that be? Take that blank sheet of paper and just say, right, let me just pretend that nothing is set in stone. Don't go to the place of, well, the kids need this. The kids need to be opening the stockings at this time just for you. What would it look like for You. And then you can start to fold in what everybody else needs. But what we do as women is we lead with what does everybody else need. And then we try and just grab a little bit of time or a little bit of ritual or a little bit of something for ourselves. And we end up saying, no, mummy's watching this movie now everybody go outside. Whereas really, the entire day can be ours and we don't have to be, you know, creating something that we don't really enjoy. So if you really enjoy getting back to what our listener was saying about she creates this amazing day and she really then feels resentful at the end of the day. Why do we feel resentful? What is resentment? So resentment is anger. And she's angry because she feels like she has given, given, given, and she hasn't been supported in her giving. Let's remember this. People don't have to support you in your giving. You chose to give and they choose to do what they want to do. So if part of your giving means that you need to be supported, then you've got to realize that you've taken that on. That is the thing that you have decided to do. So. And I did this for years. For years, I would be the main chef in my. And I would just cook and then I'd feel awful that, you know, no one would help with the washing up. That's not true. I had one brother who was great with the washing up. But still, I'd managed to feel like, you know, some people didn't give back, they didn't have to. And the year that I announced that I wasn't going to be doing that anymore, I found out that the Christmas food wasn't that important to them. I thought I was doing this great thing and they should be grateful. But you know what? It wasn't about that for them. And they were just as happy. They probably would have been just as happy, you know, getting in a frozen pizza or something. But I. The point is this, that you can't require of other people that they are grateful to you for what you give. You can only control what it is that you want to give. And this is really important. So let's just imagine that no one was going to help you and no one was going to be grateful. You'd probably do things very differently. I've got a client who told me that she just makes curries on Christmas. Why? She loves curries. It really is that simple. She loves a curry and so she does that. So she just knows that she's really, really happy. And then if there's anything that anyone else in the family wants, they get to do that. Now with the younger kids, of course, it's slightly different that they, you know, they can't just go at the age of 10 and cook a whole turkey. Some kids can, but most kids, that's not their, their skill set right now. So what we need to do is we say, right, what are you willing to do? You've taken that on as a responsibility. How much of that are you willing to do? Because what they want is, yes, they want certain foods or they want certain gifts, but what they really want is a good, happy family time. So how can you make sure that you are feeling good and that you're really happy so you can deliver that to them just by you having that excellent time? Right, we've got so much to talk about in the next 45 minutes. We're going to be talking about rituals, everything, Christmas back right after these. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mischkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing show supporting women's well being. On my show, I bring you ordinary women like me and you who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes, and who are taking back their power. And together, our mission is a simple one and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate. And you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadio station that's WomensRadio stn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome back to your best Christmas ever. This is Judy Mae Murphy and what we're doing here on wrs, specifically on my show today, is that we are talking about Christmas and how this can be your best Christmas. When you start really thinking about it now, thinking about what is over. Giving. What is giving something or doing something that isn't ideal for you, even though other people might want it or other people might be kind of hooked on the nostalgia or the tradition of something. Because sometimes tradition, let's face it, sometimes tradition is really just inherited bad ideas. Sometimes it's a good thing. Let's create some new traditions this year. What would be a thing that would be a new tradition for you? One of my new traditions is that I go with a group of friends. We have a place where we can go and do carol singing every year and we love it. And myself and Elspeth, we're just talking about people who can sing and not sing and, and Christmas carols and Elspeth, what's your favorite Christmas song? Do you have one? I do quite like all the, like silent Night Away in the Manger. But the pop. My poppy kind of favorite Christmas one would be the one by the waitresses, Merry Christmas. Which, like, nobody knows. I'm just. Yeah, you can. You look to my face. And I'm just. I gave that. I know that look. Lots of people do not know it, but it is one of my all time favorites. Okay, well, I'll have to find out what that is. I'm not gonna put you on the spot and ask you to sing a song. No, don't. Now you're looking like the world does not need that. Isn't that the great thing about singing Christmas carols is no one cares? Yeah, because there's this guy that we both know and he cannot sing and he just goes and he just gives it socks. Every single year at the Christmas carol singing, and we have this friend who sits and plays the piano and it really is just. Where do you get the chance do that? Usually music is kind of given to us. It's played, it's piped in. And we don't have to produce our own music if we're not musicians. So for many of us who aren't musicians, and I'm really not a musician or a singer, the only chance that we get to do that is either, you know, when we're in the shower or the only time we get to do it as a group, hopefully we're not having group showers. The only time we get to it as a group is when we are doing Christmas carols. And I think it's a really magical time for me. I think Christmas starts the first time I hear that Slade song. Yep, I know that one. Merry Christmas one. And. And as soon as I heard. As soon as I hear the opening bars to that, I'm like, okay, it's done now. We're there. We're absolutely there. What is your favorite memory of Christmas carols or rituals? So every year my family's not religious, but every year we do the whole go to church at Christmas and me and my mum were sitting on this row and this little girl behind us who was about 3 or 4 years old just wanted to join in with all the singing. But she of course just didn't know the words, didn't know anything. So she would just scream at different points in the songs, making my mum and I just wet ourselves with laughter. And. And there was one point where they have a picture of a chicken up on the wall and we were all singing. I think it was like Silent Night. Picture of a chicken on the like was It a Christmas chicken or a church chicken? Church chicken. I'm not really sure what it was. Okay. And she just shouted chicken nuggets in the middle of Silent Night. And it was just. It just got absolutely everybody laughing already. That is my favorite version of Silent Night. And I know next week when it gets to Silent Night, all I'm going to be thinking about just why not? Absolutely. The great thing about, you know, doing things together with people who you really get along with and who. That you're relaxed with, whether that's your family of origin or friends, is that you, you know, you do get to kind of have those fun times, and you do get to do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do together, like going for walks, going for a walk down the road, going for a walk just around the neighborhood. If you live in the countryside, going for a walk in the woods. And what I think is lovely is it can remind us what's available to us all the time. All the time. It's available to us to get together and sing together all the time. It's available to us to get up early in the morning and go for a walk around the neighborhood. And yet we forget that. And I think it's really good to, you know, as we're designing Christmas, to then let that bring us into the new year and say, and what in that really, really works for me. So maybe if the only time your entire family sits down is, is it Christmas dinner? Maybe you could say, you know what? Let's have a new thing where every Sunday we all gather together. Or maybe there's a good reason why you only get gathered together on Christmas. But anyway, let's just go back to our questions because we've got loads of questions in about this. And our next listener says, I'm facing my second Christmas alone, and I feel like such a failure. I know I'm going to just sit and cry for the whole day. And I'm dreading going back to work and people asking me what I did for Christmas. Okay, let's be very, very clear. The kind of Christmas you have is absolutely no reflection on your worth. I've had Christmases where I've been on my own. I've had two Christmases One I chose and one I didn't. One, I ended up breaking up with someone right before Christmas. And we had, you know, we had planned to go on a trip and, yeah, I just had no way of getting anywhere else. This is when I was much younger, but it was very difficult because I really felt al but you can actually have a really good day. And there are certain things that you can do. If you are spending Christmas on your own, you don't have to get through it. You can actually have a good day. First thing is get yourself on Twitter. I know that there are now lots of different things that you can do if you just type in something like Christmas alone or Single for Christmas, anything like that. Get yourself on Twitter. There are people who are having conversations all day, and some of them are hilarious and really, really good fun. Another thing that you can do is tune into live radio. Get yourself around people. You can even, like, phone in the radio station. If there are people that you. That you think they're having the perfect Christmas and you'd be disturbing them, don't have that thought. Just say, hey, you know what? I was just thinking about you, and I wanted to say hi and get excited about it. Get excited about the fact that, you know what? I'm gonna make sure that this year I'm just connecting to more people and organically, something will grow. Because I imagine if this is the second Christmas when you're on your own, you've probably started to tell yourself a story that this is how Christmases are gonna be from now on. We all do that. If there's something that's not working for us and it's not working for us for quite a while, like, let's suppose that someone is in debt, or somebody is having trouble finding a love relationship, or somebody their career isn't quite clicking in the they want, it starts to feel as if it's always going to be this way. It's not. If you don't want it to be, you might become addicted to Christmas on your own. So let me ask you this. If it was just an ordinary day, if it was just an ordinary day, that you weren't at work, just a free day, and you were charged with, the challenge that I gave you was to make this the best day for you, what would you do with that day? Maybe you're exhausted. Maybe you would just sleep all day. Do that. Maybe you would, you know, watch a whole bunch of really cool movies. I am so into my Christmas movies. If you want a little suggestion for a Christmas movie, I don't know if you've heard of a thing from the 1940s with Barbara Stanwyck. I'm pretty sure that's. That's the. The name of the actress. And it's called Christmas in Connecticut. I watched that yesterday to get ready for today's show. I said you know, what's going to be the most important is just me walking my talk, me getting my Christmas on. And I went to research some things. I was going to watch Christmas Day, and I started to watch the first five minutes of Christmas in Connecticut. Didn't stop. Watched the whole thing felt so Christmassy afterwards that I was really annoyed that it was only December 1st. So what is it that you would do? What is it that you would eat? You know, so, you know, perhaps, yeah, it might be a little bit sad. You might feel, you know, a loss or you might be remembering. You didn't explain to me exactly why it's your second Christmas alone. I'm imagining from some of the other details you gave me about yourself that perhaps it was a parent had passed away. That was the feeling that I got. Or maybe it was something like a divorce. But the thing is that you can still be really, really good to you. You can still celebrate. You can watch those comedy shows, as long as you get rid of this idea that somehow this is an indication that you are less loved than the people who are surrounded by loads and loads of people. And you know what? Trust me, there are plenty of people who are going to be surrounded by loved ones all day and they would do anything to swap places with you. So, you know, have as good a Christmas as you can. As good a Christmas as you can, and then say for yourself, right, what do I need to build out? Is it that you live in an area that's really, really remote and you need to think maybe about moving into the nearby village or moving into a town? Is it that you just don't have good connection with people on social media and you could. You could build that out? Is it that you're healing from something and you could really, you know, put your focus into that healing? So whatever it is, there's always something that you can do. I remember the second. The Christmas I was on my own, that I chose to be on my own. It was just because everything had been so hectic and so manic, and I just didn't want to travel. And at the time, I was in a city where all my friends in that city were going out of the city to be with their families. I said, you know what? I'm just going to have a really, really great day. And what I chose to do was write. I spent most of the day writing. And then I watched some really good Russian Christmas movie. Because let me tell you, if you've never watched a Russian Christmas movie, do it. They do it so. So Brilliantly. Their Christmas is on the 1st of January, but you can find them on YouTube. You can get really creative and have a really, really fun time. So we've got a minute left before the ad break. Elspeth, what would be a thing that you would say to this listener who has said that she's feeling like a failure for spending Christmas alone? Yeah, not at all. I wish I could spend Christmas alone. At the time, I'd be very jealous if you came back to work and said, I had a fab day by myself. I'd be like, oh, I wish. You know, just kind of do whatever you want in the day. It's your day now. I love that. Yeah, it's your day, it's your Christmas day. Doesn't matter about everybody else. It doesn't. And yes, I hadn't thought of that actually, because that is the thing that she said was she was dreading going back to the office. Thank you. Yes. And so she can actually go back in and boast and go, I spent Christmas all on my own. I didn't see anybody. I watched what I wanted to watch, I ate what I wanted to eat. I bought myself a Christmas gift and I had the best Christmas ever. Elspeth, thank you. See, that's why we keep her around. That's why she's our producer. More after this. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth, we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more at nurturingbirth.co.uk. hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together. With spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the women's Radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio stations supporting women's wellbeing. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna ask them here at WRS to make sure that over Christmas, when we're not being broadcasting live from our little gorgeous studio here in Covent Garden, I'm gonna ask them to play this one as the repeat because I think that sometimes we just need it. We need a place to go back to and go, oh, what do we do again when this happens? And another reason is why is it that the pressures build up? The pressures build up because we don't give ourselves any kind of a release. So a really good thing to do is right now design. What are the things you're going to do when it all becomes too much? Are you literally going to like walk out of the house? Are you going to go sit in the garage? Are you going to, you know, go upstairs and play some certain music and Dance around to it. Are you going to, you know, just give yourself permission to get away for a while? This is why I remember as a kid being really annoyed when my parents used to make us go out for walks. I was like, why? Why? But then if you live through a day where you are around a lot of people and you don't go out for a walk, you're like, ah, I know why. Because, you know, things do sort of build up all that sort of closeness that. That sort of days and days of just being in each other's company, eventually it takes its toll no matter how close you are to people. So, you know, design it. In Ireland, where I'm from, and we have these really great traditions, like on what's Boxing Day over here, Stevens Day over in Ireland, St Stephen's Day, we have a thing called the Wren Boys. And often you'll go to a beach or to some kind of clearing, some kind of big field, some kind of local community place. And there's this. Just a tradition of the Wren Boys. Now, the reason I can't tell you too much about this tradition is because I would never go, because that would be my opportunity to be in the house on my own, and I always, always took it. But my family would go out and do that and they, you know, they'd be out doing that, I'd be at home, I'd be able to breathe again as the family introvert. And then, you know, we could start up fresh and happy all over again. But we got to realize that you've got to do what works for you and you've got to adapt and you've got to grow with your Christmas. And our technical producer here, Sina, was just telling us before the show that because he comes from a Persian tradition, it's a little bit different for him. Sina, what's Christmas like for you? Well, I come from a Persian family, but every year in Christmas, I go to celebrate Christmas with my aunt and uncles and cousins who live in the uk. So my aunt cooks a big lamb dish instead of cooking a turkey, which is really delicious. So you look forward to that every year. This year is a bit tricky because I became vegetarian nine months ago, and I don't know what to do. But I don't think I can say no to that dish this year. Oh, you know, well, here's a suggestion, because I have been vegetarian since the mid-80s, and every year I cook the same dish. So it's a tradition. And that is a mushroom piece, so mushroom and lentil pie and the thing about mushrooms and lentils and pie, pastry in general, pastry is always a good idea, is that it tastes kind of meaty. It has that same quality that meat does, and it's hot and it's warming and you can put in a lot of the same spices as you would have with a lamb. So if I might suggest that you cook yourself a mushroom and lentil pie going into Christmas and make that a new tradition for everybody. Because now I can tell you in my family that when that pie comes out, I started to have to make two because everybody went for it. The last few years now, my sister has been cooking the Christmas meal. But when I come back in the new year, I will, I will make sure that I always cook that for myself. And I just, usually just cook it for a couple of people and sit there and share it with somebody. But new traditions always possible. What was another thing that was really good because you didn't, when you were a little kid, you didn't have Christmas, is that right? No, we have our own New year which is in March, like the first day of spring. We celebrate our New Year, basically. So it's the 21st of March in Western calendar, but it's the first day of Persian calendar. So how old were you when you had the first UK style Christmas 2012? Oh, so, wow. So quite recent. What was your favorite thing about it? Well, like exchanging presents, I think is the thing, because in our new year, all the people only give to younger people present. We don't have to like exchange presents. So, you know, it's a bit different than what we do here in the UK or in West. Do you know what? Oh, thank you for sharing that because that is lovely. I hadn't, hadn't thought of that. I just took it for granted that, you know, younger people give to older people. I remember when my niece and nephew were younger, I would have to help them to, you know, sort out presents, presents for their parents. And just, you know, the loveliness of, you know, someone wanting to buy a bicycle for his dad. I want to get a bicycle for my dad. And having to explain that that's just a bit much for your auntie to buy you a bicycle so you can give it to your dad. But then like knowing that they just sit down and make Christmas cards and just seeing younger people give to older people. And you get to learn a lot, don't you, about what people think about you. Elspeth, have you ever had a time where somebody has given you something and your first thought is, who do you think I am? That you gave me that? Yes. I mean, I remember my. Well, my brother, bless him, thinks he's really good at giving presents. He gets so, like, worked up. He's like, yes, yes, you're gonna love this. You're gonna love this. And he gave me a selfie stick, I think, either last year or the year before. And I remember just kind of being like. He was like, this is so trendy, and it wasn't trendy. Oh, bless him. But don't you just love that enthusiasm? Yeah, he was just like. It was like a child, just, like, just so full, just. And he wanted that for you. He wanted you. He was probably imagining you standing there with your friends and taking all these pictures and putting them on social media, picturing me being really, really happy about it. He thought he was making me very happy. So bless him. And I know he's with the other members of my family. He gave my mum a picture of this ship and he was like, I think you told me about that. Yeah. He was like, picture of a ship. And he. And he got. He got what it was about. And your mom was just like. He was like, isn't this so nice? Like, I thought of you as soon as I saw this. I thought this was very you. And she just looked at her. She went, oh, dear God, Hamish, this is awful. And he just, like, this little heart broke. He just really thought he. He'd nailed it. He just nailed it for everyone. And as you know, I was really nervous today. I bought my niece a coat for Christmas. And you do get worried. And I was showing it to everyone going, do you think she'll. Even though you've never met her, I was like, do you think she'll like it? Do you think she'll like it? So we've got to remember that, you know, the presence it really is about. It's the thought that counts. But then sometimes you get disappointed because there's a family member who clearly hasn't put any thought into it and just has given you something just because they have to, just because it's the tradition. And that can be a little bit hard to take sometimes. He definitely. My brother Hamish definitely did put an effort into this. That's what made it heartbreaking for everyone else, is that he really took the time out to consider everyone's presence. And it makes you think that maybe if he'd just done the thing of picking up something at the, you know, the corner shop on his way, that he probably would have done better. Yeah, bless him. Love it. Absolutely love it. Speaking of presents, we got a question in from Listener that says, I always feel great about Christmas at the time, but in January, I'm mad at myself for spending so much money. What is it? So where are we? How can I. What can I do to make sure I don't overspend this Christmas? Well, the thing is that if we're just thinking about Christmas as a thing in isolation, we can kind of collapse into Christmas. We can kind of let ourselves think that this is like this little island of enjoyment and we're going to run away to that island and that's going to be it, and then it's going to be over. But if we think of it as Christmas is just a new way of having an incredible day, it's a part of the dream. It's a time where you get to relax a bit more, you get to connect with people a bit more, that you get excited about building your dream all over again. Then you'll be less likely to overspend because you'll be thinking about, okay, what is it I want to make happen, right? I want to hire someone for my business, or I want to buy this really great outfit for myself when I start to go for interviews, or perhaps for you. It's, you know what? I really. If my garden looked incredible, that would be a place where I could go every day and think and really, it would bring so much to my life. If you're thinking in terms of Christmas being part of an entire dream life, then you don't tend to spend the tenner on the extra present when the good present you've bought is already enough. You don't tend to, you know, over buy on the food. I must admit that that is a thing that I do. I went into Marks and Spencer's over the weekend and I just had so much fun just buying these little extras to bring over to Paris over Christmas. And then I sort of thought to myself, right, do you really need all of these? And I realized I didn't. And half of the stuff that was in the basket, I put it back, realizing, well, that's just kind of overdoing it. And it doesn't add. Like, once you just add more stuff, it doesn't necessarily add to the experience of the day. And a lot of people do that. A lot of parents do that with their kids. And they will overbuy for their kids thinking that, okay, this present is going to delight my kid. And this second present is really going to be delightful, too. Oh, here's another one. And they think they're adding to the joy, but in fact, kids can kind of get numb and they can get overwhelmed with the number of presents. There are some families where they start opening the presents on New Year's Eve or, sorry, Christmas Eve, and then they, they're still going three days later and the kids are leaving gifts unopened under the Christmas tree because it's boring, it's not special anymore. So again, getting back to that idea of designing your Christmas, but not just designing your Christmas, but designing your ent life. And then you won't be in a position in January where you're regretting something because you knew why you chose that and you were happy to choose that. And also then the money that you didn't spend, you knew what you were going to use that for as well. Particularly a really good thing to think about is how can you not get into debt over Christmas? So how can you only spend the money that you have? And for a lot of people that's going back to hand, making gifts, baked goods, giving each other different services, things you can do. Hey, I'm going to walk the dog for you this many times. I'm going to babysit for you. Loads of ideas, loads more. Right after these. Welcome to Women's radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show from Tummy to Mug Mummy here on women's radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the radical wellbeing show supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you who are sharing, sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes and who are taking back their power and together Our mission is a simple one and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too, to don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show, get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with the theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth, we offer approved doula training courses across the uk, which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more at nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's Radio station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadio station, that's Womens Radio Stn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we talk transform everything. Welcome back to wrs. You're listening to Judy Mae Murphy and we've got Elspeth and Cinna here in the studio as well. And what we're doing is we are making sure that we all have the best holiday season ever. However you're celebrating, whatever you're celebrating whatever's going on for you, we want this to be as good as it can possibly be. Which brings us to our next question, because this is a tough one. This listener says, this holiday period is the first that I will spend without my mum. I'm thinking of just bundling up the family and running away to the Bahamas. Is this a good idea? Well, running away to the Bahamas is very often a good idea. In this case though, what I'm going to say to you is, and I have been through this myself. My mom passed away 12 years ago. And all of the firsts are really tough, particularly the. The first Christmas without a loved one. But then if you go and ignore it and numb it out by going somewhere different and making it very different, two things happen. You're missing out on many of the very comforting things that you need right now. You know, some of your traditions, just your way of doing can be quite good. Just to step into the. Your usual Christmas and then to miss your mom. It's a really great way to grieve because there has to be a first time where, you know, you're going through your mom's birthday without her, you're going through your birthday without her. You're going through a significant life event where she's not there. And each of those times is a time to say, wow, you know, she was so great. We had so many great times together. I remember when my mom passed away, that first Christmas I bought it was, you know, when we still use DVDs to watch, watch movies. I bought so many great DVDs and gave them as a gift to my youngest brother. And he just looked at me and he went, yep. Like, he kind of got it. This is what we're gonna need to do. We're gonna need to just all just be watching movies in the same room together. And there were times, you know, you'd see someone just stepping outside of the room and having a little cry and coming back in with red eyes. And that needs to happen. It needs to happen, and it's very difficult. And my heart and all of our love goes out to anybody that is having a tough Christmas like that and know that it does get better. And so now on Christmases, you know, we. We talk about mom and we laugh about and we. And we just sort of say, hey, do you remember the time when she passed away two weeks after my nephew was born? And so he never really knew her, and so he knows her through the stories that we tell. And Christmas is a great time for that, and you will get back to that. So have the Christmas that you want to have, knowing that. That you're going to miss her anyway. So even if you were sitting on the beach in the Bahamas, you'd be missing her and you'd be missing your Christmas. So, you know, just hug yourself really tightly, do whatever you need to do. Give yourself permission to be sad, to be angry, to be all over the place and just let it be messy. Grief is messy. You know, life and death is a messy thing. So Just say to yourself, right in this moment, how can I look after myself? And another lovely thing is to say, how can I honor my loved one? So whoever it is that anyone has lost recently, how can I honor them this Christmas? What can we do? Is it that they had a certain, you know, Christmas ornament that they used to love to put on the Christmas tree? Can you make a ritual around maybe the youngest one in your family now, is the person that puts that Christmas ornament on the tree? Is it that they used to really love a particular whiskey? Can you just have a glass of that whiskey out, you know, one for Santa and one for your missing loved one? What is it that you can do to really say, you know what? We're remembering every good thing that this person brought to us? A slightly trickier thing is when you lose somebody who was very problematic, and sometimes you feel a little bit guilty about part of you feeling relieved that this person is no longer around, and that can kind of leak out into the day as well, and you feel like, oh, gosh, Christmas is so much easier without them. We had this. This uncle of my dad's who spent a few Christmases with us, and I remember the Christmas after he died being so happy that he wasn't there. That's okay. Doesn't make you a bad person. It's just the reality of. Of people sometimes. So also, you know, if you haven't lost someone, remember that there are people for whom it is difficult, people who have just left a relationship. A lot of people, if they are in a relationship and someone isn't as committed and they think to themselves, well, if I get out now, then I don't have to buy this person a Christmas present, or I don't have to, you know, go to their family that they're aware, and they're often trying to do it from a good place of. I don't want to build more significant memories and more significant connections with this person's family, because I know that we're not going to stay together. So the first week of December is, in fact, traditionally a time when a lot of people get broken up with. So, you know, keep that in mind that not everybody is having an easy time of it. There are some people who are very, very worried about how they're going to pay for things. There are some people who are, you know, concerned that people are going to be annoyed with them because they're choosing to have their own Christmas and not do the thing they used to do. If you think that someone will be Annoyed with you. Because you don't do a certain thing on Christmas day or around the holidays. And that is the thing that makes you go and do it, have a little think about that. You don't owe anybody anything. You don't owe someone your good time just so that they feel better about their good time. That's completely theirs to fix. They can feel annoyed with you. They can feel like they miss you, particularly if you're the kind of person that overdoes things and over gives. But let's talk a little bit more. I want to hear. Aelswith was telling me on our way down here that her family do a thing right now where they do Advent. Like, I remember when we used to do Advent as kids. It was literally. And how's this? How's this for old school? An Advent calendar with no chocolates or anything. Right. I saw Zena Gostart, who is a guest of the show, a regular guest, and we love her very much. She had a cheese Advent calendar yesterday. I know, right? And she also had a chocolate one. But I do remember when it used to just be that the whole thrill of it was just guessing what was behind that door. But, Ellsworth, tell us, how is it that your family does Advent? So every year it's kind of built up throughout the years. It's got more and more now that we've, like, left and stuff. But my mum buys us these picture advent books, Advent calendars. And they're not chocolate or anything like that. They're all just pictures. Oh, I'm loving it already. And they'll be absolutely stunningly gorgeous ones. Like, not just your tacky stuff. It would be all. We used to have tacky stuff, beautiful ones. We used to have ones where you'd open the door and you'd look at something and then you'd have the conversation about, is that a lantern or is it a candle or is it a carriage? Like, we often couldn't even tell what the picture was. But it sounds like you go really upscale on this. She does that. And then she'll give us little Christmas presents as well. And so each year she does that. So yesterday we met up in Camden and she gave us all our Christmas Advent calendars and our little presents to go with it, which was very sweet. And then we went to Camden Market, where we went to a vagina museum. Because everything says Christmas like the vagina museum. Okay. You know, it was Merry Christmas. That's a badge. I absolutely love it. And that just goes to show, like, how we can make Christmas, anything at all. Because I know, like, what you're saying earlier, from now on, I probably won't go to the Vagina Museum for a Christmas thing, but I definitely now will get the fragrance chicken nuggets into every silent night from now on. But do you know what? Something interesting. You know, I really do think that in life, the things that are just out there, the things that are different, are often the things that make life absolutely amazing. Yeah. We stumbled across the museum. We didn't go. We must go do this. It wasn't like Hamish's idea. That wasn't one of his great ideas. Family out like his family. We've got it. Yeah. Yeah. We stumbled across it and we were like a picture of a ship. And here's what we're gonna do for Advent. It was just. You just stumbled across it. I love it. I've got to understand it more. And the really good thing is that we get to do it again. So let's imagine that this Christmas didn't work for you for whatever reason, that you had a certain picture going on of how it was gonna be, and it ended up being something completely different, and you ended up being quite disappointed by that. Hey, you know what? You get another shot next year and the year after that and the year after that. And especially some people even do Christmas in summer that you can, you know, if for some reason there was a family member who couldn't join you this Christmas, you can have another family gathering and do a lot of the things that you like about it during the summer. I'm the kind of person who, about June, I get a little bit twitchy, and I start to watch Christmas movies around June, and it's lovely, and it just kind of gets me through. So you can do that. You can listen to your Christmas music all year round. A lot of people leave their Christmas tree up until the end of January. Again, it's all about what works for you in this life. So in the last minute and a half of the show, what I'd like to say to all of our listeners is thank you so much for spending this year with us and know that, you know, we're with you in heart and soul when it comes to your Christmas celebrations. Listen to this. Pass this on to people who you think might be in need of it. Just remembering that it doesn't define you. There's going to be another one next year. It can also be a really, really great opportunity for you to say what hasn't been working and how can I do it differently? How Can I set boundaries with people that I have been kind of boundaryless with before? How can I really announce to myself and others that I'm not that person anymore? The gifts that used to get for me no longer work for me or the idea that you used to have about me. That idea is no longer valid. This is who I am now. And also sometimes just having it as a less in your own diplomacy and saying, you know, what they're going to think, what they think they're going to do, what they do, they're going to believe what they're going to believe. And what I'm going to do is take care of me. I'm going to take care of my state. I'm going to have myself a merry little Christmas. I'm going to have myself some really good times with movies and with food and with other activities. I'm going to reach out. I'm going to help the people that I want to help. I'm going to look forward to January when most people stop volunteering. And in January, I'm going to really commit to, you know, doing a little something every now and then for homeless people and people who are more in need. And, you know, this can be great. What if you were to set yourself the task that this was going to be your best Christmas so far? How much fun would you have designing that? How much fun would you have just knowing that this is going to be setting you up for the whole of 2012? You've got this. Merry Christmas everyone. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period. Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. This is Carolyn here from Mother's Hour wishing you a very, very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Warmest wishes of a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year from future Classic Moon Awards with me, Stefania Passamorte. Life every day at 10am and 10pm London time on womenradiostation. Com. Have a great holiday. Merry Christmas. I'm Judy Mae Murphy and from all of us here at women's radio station.