Judymay Is Listening LIVE SHOW – Problem Solving Marathon Special

Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. And welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. This is Judy Mae Murphy and you're listening to Judy Mae is listening. Today we have something a little bit different in studio in that it's a little bit emptier than it normally is. The last few weeks we've had these incredible women, these amazing guests, and this week we're doing things a little bit differently in that it's just you and me because sometimes we got to kind of cozy up together and work out what really is going on and dig deep and just get a whole layer of stuff sort of sorted. And that is what we're going to be doing today. I've been asking for your questions, they've been coming in and also I've been scooping up some questions that were asked for previous shows but didn't get answered. So really making sure that I'm hearing what it is and that we're sorting it and we're not just complaining, we're not just saying, oh, there's this terrible thing and saying, there, there, don't worry about it, but actually just getting it done, saying, well, let's worry about it, let's get concerned in a really constructive way rather than just sort of hamster wheeling it and repeating ideas and repeating problems in our heads and making ourselves spiral downwards. Instead, let's just look at it, let's just put it all out on the table and say, what exactly is going on? Why is it that we don't do that often because we feel we don't have the time, we don't prioritize the time for that. But hey, you're listening to the show, so you have prioritized you and coming here every single week and listening to this show is part of your radical self care. It's part of you saying, you know what? I want things to be better, I want to feel better, I want to do better, I want my life to be even more incredible. Why? What is it that I can do? And it's that notion, that question, what is it that I can do? What is it that I can do right now? Even if it's something small that will take me to that higher level, it's those kind of questions that are the kind of building blocks the baby steps towards a more amazing life. Often we think it has to be done in a very lurchy kind of way that what we're going to do is we're going to find something and we're going to just give it all and we're going to just be amazing for a single day, and then we're going to collapse at the end of the day and somehow our lives will be magically transformed. And while there is room for that, there is room for those great big surges of energy and that massive action. Really, it's about just reconditioning your mind and reconditioning your habits on a daily basis. And in order for that to happen, they have to be doable. Your brain has to believe that you can make this happen. So what is it that you'd like to make happen? Those of you who are watching on Facebook Live, either on WRS or on my own Facebook page, you will see that this is just very beautifully handwritten. Basically, I've just taken your questions and edited them down a little bit, but keeping the essence of them. And the thing that really strikes me is the fact that when something is bothering us, we really do want to go into every single little detail of it, because our brain believes that that's what keeps us safe. We want to, you know, if we are yearning for somebody, we want to talk about every single way that they looked and what they said and what they didn't say and how that can be dissected. And often that's made fun of in women, the idea of wanting to go into such fine detail with so many things, but really that's how our brains work. Our brains believe that the detail will give more power, that the detail is important, that if we miss a certain something, then we won't be able to keep ourselves safe and get ourselves to that better place. And in reality, sometimes the details are important and sometimes the importance is just in an aspect of the detail. So let's see what is important and what is it that we can just leave to one side in these things that are going on for you? So the first lady says, and I didn't use. I didn't take down the names of anybody because I really want you all to feel safe right now. I want you to feel that you know, that you can partake and no one will ever know that this is your particular challenge. So someone wrote in and said, my mum has come on holidays to the beach in Spain with us since my first child was born. Now that the kids are older, my husband and I want to go as a family to Thailand. But without Mum, she'll be heartbroken. Isn't it so interesting how something happens and then we make a statement around it. So you and your husband have decided that you would rather go to Thailand. It sounds as if your husband has really decided and you're maybe still sitting on the fence and trying to keep everybody happy. But isn't it interesting that you came to a conclusion? The conclusion is she'll be heartbroken. Now, those of you who know cbt, cognitive behavioral therapy, you'll know that this is part of that sort of like all or nothing thinking. And this is a part of it, which is called mind reading. And also your mind reading and you are fortune telling. So you're doing the two things that are kind of about what I call omnipotence within that structure, the idea that, you know, you are godlike, you know what's going to happen in the future and you can tell what's going on in somebody else's mind. And of course, neither of those things is the case. You don't know how your mom's going to feel. It could be that she has wanted to go off with her girlfriends, somebody somewhere else. Maybe she's wanted to go to Vegas for a while, but she has been saying to her girlfriends, oh, I'd love to, but you know what? My daughter really relies on me to look after the kids. So you don't know that she'll be heartbroken. And the next thing is that even if she was heartbroken, we never really are, really. We're such resilient creatures that we feel badly for a while and then we get resourceful again and then we're reminded of all the amazing things that are going on in our lives and all the amazing things we can make happen. So heartbroken is really a term that we put around the shock and the disappointment and the dysfunction that we feel for a little time. So she might go through that. And you know what? She's a grown woman. She can handle that. That is not yours handle. So let's get rid of that idea first, that she'll be heartbroken, and let's look at your half of it. So rather than saying, you know, I don't want to ask my mom not to come on holidays with us because she'll be heartbroken instead. How do you feel about it? Is it that you're concerned that you won't be able to have as good a time, maybe that you'll miss her company, maybe you'll feel that you're not efficient enough and that you just. Maybe she can do things that you have still to learn how to do. Like, you know, calming the kids at bedtime or getting in between them when they're having an argument or something like that. I don't know what it is for you, but the point is, you've got to look at what is your reluctance. Why is it that you're not also completely on board with your husband saying yes, you know what? I can see the importance of that. Very often, as women, we are enmeshed with our mothers. And some people don't have that challenge because their mothers are either very healthy or very impossible and can't be enmeshed with. So what's enmeshment? Enmeshment is this idea of not really understanding where it is that you finish and your mom starts. My mom passed away 12 years ago, and I was enmeshed with her, and I didn't realize it as a thing. And so whenever something happened to me, it was almost as if it wasn't complete until I had reported it to my mom, until she had been part of experiencing that thing. And that was good things and bad things. And also just this idea of not really committing to something, not committing to a political stance or not committing to an ethos, a philosophy, even a way of eating. Because I didn't yet know what my mom's reaction would be. And I had it when I was. I remember being terrified at the age of 16, in the 1980s, being terrified to break it to my mom that I was a vegetarian. I was becoming a vegetarian. And, you know, she reacted very well. But then later on, when I became vegan, and when there were certain vegan foods that I cut out and cut out coffee and sodas and all those kind of things, she really disapproved. And my reaction was too much. It's like I couldn't handle it because it felt like a part of me was rebelling against me because I didn't really know where did she finish and where did I begin. So with our mothers, we need to really look at this. We need to really look at what is it that we're afraid of when we break away. So when you go on holiday by yourself, what part of you will have to come to the fore? Is it that you'll have to be more wife than daughter? Is that something that you haven't been looking at? Is that a conversation that you need to have with your husband? So it's really important that you look at the you part of any equation rather than looking at, you know, what is the reaction going to be, and certainly not making it a thing between, oh, I either upset my husband or I upset my mother. That's not it at all. You know, it's your family. Your husband has the right to say, particularly because he is paying, at least for some of it, I'm sure. What is it that you know that you are going to stand for as a wife? You have to sometimes make the decision. And a lot of women can be married or can be in committed relationships and haven't yet made the decision that that is their primary role. And if we stay too long with our primary role being that of dutiful daughter, it can really stunt our development and it can stop us from doing what it that we need to do in the world. So, yeah, you know what I'd say? Give it a go. Absolutely give it a go. And just be clear about it and keep the door open for discussion. But also realize that your first duty is to your family now and that your mom will need to understand that. And if she tries to push back against it, that's fine. But realize that you standing strong is going to be the thing that's going to lead everybody. And as the moment, you know, that's a leadership role. All right, so our next statement comes from someone. It was just a very simple statement. She says, I can't seem to save money. I always make just enough to get by. What can I do? So again, we have this big statement, this statement, almost as if it's a statement of fact, like, she'll be heartbroken, you know, I can't seem to save money. Most people would actually make that a much bolder statement. They'd say something like, I can't save money. So what we're going to do is after the break, when we come back, we're going to really look at, you know, what is true and what is not true about these beliefs and what is a belief. A belief is quite simply a feeling that something is so. And if we've got lots of references that back up that idea, back up that belief, well, then we're going to believe in it even more strongly and it's going to become a conviction rather than just a notion or a wishy washy kind of belief. And that's when we get locked in. So I'm really pleased that you said I can't seem to make money because that shows me that you're not absolutely sold on the idea that making money is impossible for you. So we're going to have a place that we can step into there. And that's the thing that we want to do with any challenge that we have we want to look at. What are we believing about this situation? Are we believing that it's solvable? Are we believing that it's not solvable? Are we believing that we can't win no matter what we do? Or are we believing that everything is sortable, everything can be done, everything can be fixed, everything can be improved, whether that is being materially improved or just our experience of that thing being improved through thinking and feeling about it in a different way. So here on Judy Mae's Listening Today, it's all about you and your questions. That's all we're doing for the whole hour, is answering questions that are important to everybody in a way that you can immediately start to take steps and start to make your life even better. So here on WRS women's Radio Station, the voice of women Worldwide. We'll be back with more right after these. Welcome to Women's Radio Station, the voice of women worldwide. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Judy May is listening. Hello, this is Anna Kennedy at Women's Radio Station Live, Voice of Women Worldwide talking about all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. I'm Saskia at Sable Forex and we specialize in saving individuals and companies money on their international money transfers or foreign exchange. So when money's crossing currencies, whether it's euros to yen or rands to pounds, that's where we can add value. So for all your foreign exchange needs, I'm Saskia at Sable. You can contact me on Saskia Johnston sableinternational.com or my number is 0207759-7541. Hi, I'm Sue Openshaw, owner of Ferme de Ciel, the luxury ski chalet in Samoa in the Grand Massif, France. We are open for skiing from mid December to end of April and we're only one hour from Geneva, so perfect for short breaks or longer holidays, single or multiple bookings. Contact us on femdecl.com or 0773-310-0020. Do you need mediation? We are the Aid Project Charity. We provide convict resolution and community engagement services. Our services include community mediation for neighbour disputes, family mediation for separating couples, special education needs for parents, carers and their children and young adults, as well as workplace mediation and restorative services to find out more, head to womensradiostation.com or theaproject.co.uk Women's radio station can give a voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience to you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, head of Business development at Women's Radio Station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomeomensradiostation.com. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. So are you ready to transform everything? This is Judy Mae Murphy and you're listening to wrs, the voice of women worldwide. And on this show we normally have guests around this time, but today we're doing it differently. In fact, you're the guest. You are our very favorite guest. And I'm taking representative notes and letters and emails that came in. And what we're going to do is we're going to just double down and just sort things in a real coachy way. It's kind of like a little taster of what it's like getting coached by me, except I'm being a lot more polite, I think, and a lot, a lot sweeter than I am when I'm coaching people. I can be a little bit kick ass. But what we're going to do is we're absolutely going to get things sorted. And the question that we had before the break is I can't seem to save money. I always make just enough to get by. What can I do? Well, isn't that interesting that you always make just enough to get by? Because I imagine that the amount that it has taken for you to get by hasn't been consistent. That's that it's usually for most people it increases over the years that what you needed to get by five years ago is less than what you needed to get. You needed to get by right now, and yet you've managed to make that much more. So that tells us that it's not really a practical thing. It's A psychological thing. So a question I like to ask people is when do you stop asking for money? Most people, you'll find they stop asking for money when they realize they're going to be okay. When they realize that, oh, all these short term things I want to do, I can do those with the money that I have right now. So I'm going to stop. Maybe you have a salary and once your salary is paid, then you're kind of like, okay, well that's my bills paid, that's me safe, or you know, that's my credit cards paid for the month, I'm alright. And then the idea of working on your business or your second job isn't so appealing because you just want to instead do something else. And why wouldn't you? So the key is to make sure that you are as in love with the idea, as passionate about the idea of earning more money. Kind of just what I call building the kingdom, just bringing it in, even though you don't need that right now. And everybody who's brilliant at making money is about that, how can I bring in more, more than I need so that I can really be free? So sitting down and thinking about what is it that you could make happen, what is it you will make happen when you have that extra money is absolutely key. Now granted, there are times where that is not possible. Sometimes if you're going through illness or it's time of crisis, maybe someone close to you has passed away or it's a time where you are studying really hard. I remember when I was in college, coming up to exam time, I found it very difficult to bring in extra money. But it wasn't the season for that. So do give yourself a break. If you're someone who is just, you feel like you're flat out and you're just not getting any time to do the extra things. But then we do have to put the strategic thinking around it. So there's one part of it that is you wanting to make that extra money. And then the other part is the. And how do we actually do that? And the bit where most people fall down on this is they wait until they're tired to do the thinking and to do the earning. So they will go and do their usual day job during the day and then they will say to themselves, and I'm going to work on my business at night. You got to make sure that your best energy is going toward your dream and not toward your boss's dream. So if you're going to be a little bit tired at the end of the day, make sure that that kind of, you know, still doing a good job, but kind of, you know, faxing it in that that energy is going to someone else and that your absolute best energy is going to you. So what I coach people to do is to get up way earlier in the morning, you know, go to bed at 8, get up at 4 and get ready so you're absolutely ready to do whatever you need to do. And then you'll have an extra couple of hours, maybe even three hours, and work on your business at that time of the morning. And people culturally just feel that that's a very difficult thing to do. It really is much easier thing to do, particularly as, you know, the sun rises any between 4 and 6 anyway, and all you've got to do is readjust, adjust your internal clock. I had a book out a few years ago called Sleeping youg Way to Success. And the amount of people who said to me, I'm not a morning person, everybody is a morning person. But the thing is that you've just ruined your morning at night. So by staying on watching videos and watching TV or staying out and partying or having very important conversations until late at night and overstimulating your brain, leaving all the lights on, sending messages to your brain that it's still the middle of the day. All these things lead to you having trouble falling asleep, getting good night's sleep. And then when you wake up in the morning, you believe that the problem is with the morning and you not being a morning person. No, it's not that. The trouble started the day before when you didn't set an alarm to start, you turning down all the lights in your house to start, powering down all the electronics to start. Even something as simple as talking more slowly and walking more slowly. I once was in a villa with a friend. We were kind of on a little mini vacation where we were all goal setting and doing fun stuff. And she talked about her problems getting to sleep. And I said, you know what? I'm just gonna keep an eye on this and if there's anything I notice that might be helpful, I'll ask her if she wants to hear it. And sure enough, after a few nights, she was complaining about it. And I said, I've noticed a few things. Would you like to know what I see as the actual problem? And there was a few things. So first of all, she drank coffee throughout the day, telling herself that if she stopped at three, that that would be okay. And you know what? Caffeine doesn't Know, it's three o'. Clock. Caffeine has a half life of six hours. So if you stop drinking, if you have your last cup of coffee at 3 o' clock in the afternoon, by 9 o' clock at night, you still have half a cup of coffee in your system according to the way caffeine works. And the caffeine from coffee works differently from the caffeine in tea. It's kind of more violent jolt when it's coffee. And a lot of people get to like that. They get that, they love that feeling. They're just kind of like, oh, I'm alive. Because they're stuffing down every other feeling. So the only feelings they really feel are things like, you know, intense, the intensity of argument or anger and the jolt of coffee. Whereas really there is plenty of variety going on with just the ordinary things of the day. So another thing I noticed with this lady was that she started to feel later on in the day that she was running out of time to do things and she wanted to suddenly do more. And so at about sort of 9 or 10 o', clock, when I was really sort of powering down and starting to light candles and, you know, fetch the lavender spray and all those things that we women love doing, what she would do was get up and try and clean and tidy something and start to talk about everything she was going to do the next day. And she really sort of told her brain, it's time to wake up, it's time to wake up, it's time to wake up. Whereas really it wasn't time to wake up, it was time to absolutely power down. So if you're telling yourself that you are not a morning person, that idea can be completely, completely turned around. Now, does that mean that some mornings I don't, maybe I'll wake up a little bit more tired? Yes. But you know what? In that moment when I notice that I'm more tired, I'll immediately adjust my evening. I will immediately reset the alarm for half an hour earlier, telling me to start my evening routine half an hour earlier so everything can be done. I'm not telling you how to live. I'm not telling you that you should be getting up at a certain time or you can't have coffee. All I'm doing is I'm trying to show that there are reasons why you're getting all the results that you're getting. So if you want to be able to get up earlier and to be able to make money with the really good energy in the morning, why is it good? Energy in the morning happening. It's because there's kind of like this little mechanism in your brain which is the decision maker. And when that decision maker tires, it's harder for you to choose things. So it's constantly saying to you, go this way or this way, Will I go this way, yes or no? Will I go this way, yes or no? It's pretty much just a binary switch saying yes, no to things all day and it tires. It's been shown that right after lunch people will have another spurt. But most of our good energy happens in the morning when we've had a good long night's sleep. And that mechanism is working in an optimal way. So knowing that about you now, you can start to change all the things that will enable you to change your money. The challenge is that a lot of people just go straight in and try to change the money thing. So it'll be six o', clock, they'll be exhausted and they won't be clear about what it is that they're doing. And they'll try to work some scheme and then think that it doesn't work, or I'm not good at making money, or they'll just decide, I'll do it on the weekend, or I don't need to do it because. So I would say that the first step needs to be just redesigning your whole day according to your outcomes. And before you can do that, you've got to decide, well, what are my outcomes? Get committed to something. Remember the last time you were really, really committed to something? You're like, you know, no matter what, this is going to happen. I know it's a cliche, but a lot of women will get their bodies into amazing shape right before the wedding, like in the months before their wedding. And before that it would just be impossible, so called impossible for them to do that same thing with smoking. I know people who have smoked for years have a lot of compassion for you. If you smoke, I really, really want to help you not do that anymore. And, you know, I've never smoked myself, but I do understand that it is highly addictive. Not just addictive as a substance, but addictive as a habit, as a practice, also as a social convention. But there are so many women who would claim that it was absolutely impossible for them. And then they get pregnant and suddenly, absolutely not. There's just no cigarettes happen. So really changing how it is that you feel about things, what it is that you want for yourself, what are you prioritizing and just deciding what are your standards going to be on this planet in this lifetime, understanding that, you know, it's not equal for everybody and that for some people things might take a little bit more time, and that's okay because you know what, the time is going to pass anyway. So telling yourself that, that it's not working with anything is really unhelpful because it's always, it's not working yet. And why is it not working yet? What is it that I can do? What am I dealing with here? How can I help myself to live an incredible life? We are not powerless. We are absolutely powerful. But some of us are not using that power. Some of us are just exhausted from what's going on around us. And what we can do is we can just decide what doesn't need to be there anymore. Maybe if you just cut out TV in the evening or cut out magazines that aren't inspiring you or cut out certain conversations with certain people, just things that are taking up time and energy but aren't leading to you having an incredible life just with that, with moving those aside for a while, while we try it out, try out a new way, then we can create some breathing space, some thinking space, some designing space. And this is where we start to get really hopeful, really excited, knowing that even though things might have been a certain way for a very long time, that they can be very, very different very, very quickly. That goes for money, body, family, lifestyle, all these things. More after this. Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalized service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078-254-12112 and Liz spelt L I S hazazelmaertravel.co.uk I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with contact me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help visit turntous.org.uk Women's radio station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting news. WomenStradio station. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, head of Business development at Women's Radio Station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomensradiostation.com. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. And welcome back to Judy Mae is Listening. You are the guest on today's show. It's all about you. So huddle up closer to your iPhone, your computer. However it is that you are listening to us today. Some of you are listening on the app, the Women's Radio Station app. Some of you are listening through the website and some you are watching us on Facebook Live. Either the women's radio station Facebook Live or the Judy Mae Murphy Facebook Live. However you're here, you are more than welcome. We just wanted to create a little bit of space this week so that you know this is normally where we have we're full flight finding out what guests think about things. But I really want for us to create even more of a rapport, even more of an understanding about what it is that's possible for you. So motoring along with the next question that we had in a lot, it's more of a statement from someone who, you know, I can completely understand your frustration. And she says a lot of self help contradicts itself. So I ignore all of it. Some gurus say you have to give to get rich. Other gurus say you have to save same for food and what you should eat. And it kind of went on in that vein. Yeah. Do you know what? Absolutely. It's really confusing sometimes where you're being given completely contradicting advice. People saying do this and then people saying do the complete opposite. But that's important and it's important that we don't then say, therefore these two things are contradicting each other and we have to just walk away from all of it. A really important thing though that you're touching on here is the idea of you are the expert on you and it's so important. Whenever I get up in front of hundreds or thousands of people on a stage, that's the very first message that I give them. Particularly if it's in one of those multi speaker events. I do quite a lot of those around the world and they will often have people telling them what to do. You must do this or you will not survive. You must do this or you will always be poor. You have to do this because to do anything else would be a huge mistake and a really low standard. That's not the case. You're the expert on you, you get to decide how you live this life. That's not for anybody else to decide. So coming in with that, let's get rid of the word guru. I thought it was really interesting. Tony Robbins, I know Tony. I trained with him way back in the day and would, you know, bump into him over the years. And his Netflix special was called I am not your guru. Now, one of the things that Tony knows now I'm going to call him out on this is because it's the absolute basics of what we learn in our profession in the hypnosis part of it is that whenever you say something is not something, all the mind registers is the thing that it is. So if I say, you know, don't think about a yellow rhinoceros, suddenly you're thinking about a yellow rhinoceros, because in order to negate it, you have to conjure up an image of it. So when we say something like, I'm not your guru, suddenly you're casting up an image of him as your guru. So pretty clever marketing, I would say. But we've got to be aware of these things when they're happening to us, because this is. It shouldn't be about us having the wool pulled over our eyes. It should be about us being just given really great information and then deciding how we are going to apply how or if we are going to apply that information. So, yeah, absolutely. Whenever I hear the word guru, it's a little bit problematic for me, and I've been called that. And I will say to people, okay, I think what you're recognizing is the fact that I have a certain level of expertise and a certain degree of following people who follow what it is that I do. And thank you. Yeah, I've taken time to build that and I believe that I've earned that right. So. But I definitely would never come in thinking that that would in any way over ride what it is that you've heard from anybody else in any other way or what it is that you've learned from yourself. There's a really great guy who is a wonderful friend of mine. His name is Mike Dooley, and he. Myself and Mike have known each other for about 10 years. Many of you know him from his Notes from the Universe. And Mike always just goes internal to get his answers. And if it's backed up by a book, that's great. But he's always just going to his garage for a couple hours at night, pacing up and down and just asking himself, is that true? What else could be true? What's going on? Because we do have that innate wisdom. However, the challenge with that is that sometimes we're absorbing stuff that isn't wisdom. We're absorbing ideas that really don't serve us. That's why it's important to try different things. And sometimes we can find that we can do a thing and it really doesn't work for us. When I decided last summer that I was going to go raw again, so I'm vegan, I decided I was going to go raw. So that means just raw food, nothing cooked. It was an absolute disaster. I ended up almost in the emergency room. The doctor said a few more days of this and you would have been in the emergency room. I was in LA at the time. And what happened was I wasn't absorbing any of the food because the way my metabolism is, I needed the food to be even slightly cooked in order to absorb it. So I was actually suffering from malnutrition. Who knew? I thought I was doing the good thing. So, yes, sometimes there is sort of a play that you have to do with it. Also, it's an matter of where are you coming from? So let's look at this advice of. Some people say that you've got to give in order to become wealthy. And some people say that you've got to save, like hold on to and receive in order to become wealthy. Well, let's imagine that you're the kind of person who has no problem receiving that, you know, you have for your whole life made it all about you. You were encouraged into that by your parents. Either you rebelled into that or you settled into that. And you have always been just so good at just receiving, receiving, receiving rece. But it got to a point where the receiving stopped. People stopped giving to you because they saw that. They saw that there was no flow going out in the other direction. Or maybe you amassed loads and loads of money and wondered why you didn't feel good. And so you're not able to enjoy your riches. And that is the same as not being rich. So for you, the advice of give, you know, get the other part of that equation flowing. That is really, really good advice. Sometimes, though, people are giving that advice, saying you should give and you should tithe, because what they're really wanting you to do is they're wanting you to give to them, to give your time to them, to volunteer for them, to give money to their foundation, to buy product from them, to buy services from them. So you've got to watch out for that. Like, who is it that's telling me this and why is it that they might be. And this is advice, right? For me. So if you kind of see that, yeah, you know what? I've been all about receiving and holding on, and in order to get that flow going, I'm going to just try out being more of a giver and just noticing. Does that work for me? And most people then will notice that, yeah, you know what, including more people and being more generous actually makes you feel better and makes you enjoy what it is that you've earned, which in turn makes you more excited about making more money. And then on the other side of it, we have people who are really, really good at giving, awesome at giving and not so good at receiving, not so good at noticing that they're just giving to someone and not getting anything back. So they will give loads and loads of time and not get time back, or they will give loads of time and not get any money in return. They won't be charging for their services. And so for those people, the advice to receive and save is really good. Some people are really good at holding onto their money. And so for them, they will amass savings and they actually need to be taught how to spend. Now I'm more on the spendy end of things. And so I had to learn how to save, but also makes me really good at coaching people how to spend, how to really, really enjoy your money. And those coaching sessions are ones I absolutely ad. And when I first started out, I didn't think that that could be a thing. I thought that, you know, shopping was the easiest part of life simply because I was so good at it. I was so good at going and choosing something that would elevate me, something that would make me feel good, something that would add to my life. And teaching people how to do that was just extraordinary. The fact that some people had to be taught that. So the point I'm making here is it really depends on the direction that you're coming from. Same thing with food. I think it's slightly different, though, with the advice that we get around nutrition, because some people are looking for some kind of a magic pill, either literally or figuratively. They're looking for an idea around what they eat that will pretty much just solve everything almost instantly. And so when we look at the idea that some people are told, let's look at fads, let's look at the fading, that sometimes you're told it's all about goji berries. And then someone says, oh, there's a lot of sugar in goji berries. And then you can look at, okay, goji berries are really high in nutrients. Same with mangoes. A lot of good stuff there. But we don't want to overdo it because they're very sugarful. Even when they are in their usual state, even when they're not dry, there's a lot of sugar there. So if we're trying to not have too much sugar in our diet, we've got to limit those. But if we just say, oh, goji berries. Everyone used to say they're great. Now everyone's saying they're terrible. We're kind of missing the point. It's like, how much, how many goji berries, and in what way, what time of day? And so it really is about paying attention and designing it. The same thing. For you specifically. It could be that, like, for me, I cannot abide a tomato. I just. I can't. I have tried. I just don't know. I think it's something genetic. I think maybe it was. Maybe there was, I don't know, fairies that arrived when I was born and cast some spell over my crib and said, this child will forever hate tomatoes. It's just a thing. But then when I found out after suffering, eating a raw tomato every single day for about three years, just because I wanted to make sure I had lycopenes on board. I found out that with a tomato, with lycopene, the thing that's in a tomato, that's really, really good for you, that's hard to get anywhere else when you actually chop it up and cook it and mess with it, rather than it decreasing, it actually increases. It's more biological, bioavailable, your body knows what to do with it more. Hallelujah. Yes, give me a tomato sauce any day of the week. Not a problem with that. So we've, we've thwarted the bad fairies and now I get enough lycopene. More coming up after the break. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Judy May is listening. Hello, this is Anna Kennedy at women's radio Station Live, Voice of women worldwide talking about all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. I'm Saskia at Sable Forex and we specialize in saving individuals and companies money on their international money traffic transfers or foreign exchange. So when money's crossing currencies, whether it's euros to yen or rands to pounds, that's where we can add value. So for all your foreign exchange needs, I'm Saskia at Sable. You can contact me on Saskia Johnston sableinternational.com or. My number is 0207-759-7541. Hi, I'm Sue Openshaw, owner of Ferme de Ciel, the luxury ski chalet in Sanoit in the Grand Grand Massif, France. We are open for skiing from mid December to end of April and we're only one hour from Geneva, so perfect for short breaks or longer holidays, single or multiple bookings. Contact us on fermdecelle.com or 077-331-0002 0. Do you need mediation? We are the A Project charity. We provide convict resolution and community engagement services. Our services include community mediation for neighbour disputes, family mediation for separating couples, special education needs for parents, carers and their children and young adults, as well as workplace mediation and restorative services. To find out more, head to womensradiostation.com or theaproject.co.uk women's radio station can give a voice to your brand with a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs. We can tailor your experience to you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, head of Business development at women's radio station. Radio Advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 07-95637-1483 or alternately zmomensradiostation.com. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. And welcome back to Judy Mae is Listening. I am Judy Mae Murphy, and today the guest is you. We are really focusing on what it is that you can do in order to absolutely transform, redesign, elevate your life within a very short amount of time, even today, even within the next quarter of an hour, because that's how much time we have have left. And looking at your questions, I just love this next question because it's just obviously from such an adorable person and it says, I live with fellow people, I'm a lot younger than them, and they're always cleaning and they make me feel bad and put me down when I mess up slightly. When I left water on the floor after washing some clothes, they told me off and I've been continually bringing it up in a mean manner. So let's look at it from their point of view. So what they would probably assert is that cleanliness is very important to them. That's absolutely fine. And then I'm imagining they would also assert that they are living with a younger person who doesn't have the same standards of cleanliness that they do, and they see it as their job to correct that younger person and make sure that it doesn't happen. Now, that is a problematic idea. And it's simply this, that what I believe is going on right now is a form of code aggression. Covert meaning we can't immediately point to it. Covert meaning it's not. It sounds almost reasonable that, well, of course if someone is messing up and someone else is being tidy, the person who's being tidy has the right to say to the person who's being messy, hey, come on, raise your standard here. Let's toe the line when you're Sharing your space with someone. There is kind of an idea of a reasonable standard, a reasonable expectation, and it is a reasonable expectation that someone will keep their space, particularly the shared spaces, clean to a certain level. Now, this was actually a lot longer, this. This message. And she shared lots of different times where it happened. Like, one time she came home late at night and was brushing her teeth, and she didn't want to switch the light on. She didn't want to wake the house. So she's brushing her teeth in the D, and she left some toothpaste in the sink. And the next day, these two flatmates of hers absolutely read her the riot act. That is not reasonable. That's not okay. So equally, this young person has a reasonable expectation that people will treat her with respect and dignity. And that expectation is not being met. And it looks like these other two people are using cleanliness as a way to bully, to aggress. I don't usually use the term bully because. Because it has all kinds of connotations, and different people understand it in different ways. But when we just talk about aggressing, we just talk about someone pushing in a really, really heavy way. That's what's going on here. Because if you leave some water on the floor and someone says, that's dangerous, I might slip in it. And then the person very reasonably says, I hear you. I will clean that up right now, and I'll be careful to make sure that doesn't happen in the future. However, I'm a human person, and I might do it again accidentally, in which case, please do tell me, because my standard for myself is that I do clean up after myself. Now we're all good. But then if someone comes back again and says, and you do this, then it's a way of criticizing and controlling. It's not about the water on the floor anymore. It's about power and aggression and about people taking dominance and people making other people feel bad and other people feel less than. And that is absolutely not okay. And particularly when they do it in a mean way. And this, you know, this person really takes a lot of responsibility for, you know, trying to keep the standard high and cleaning up after themselves. But she's recognized that what is happening here is something else. And even if she were to keep everything absolutely perfect, they would find the something. So when you have that feeling of, I just can't win, you need to really listen to that feeling because it's there for a reason. This is your. Your brain and body trying to get your attention and trying to say, yeah, you know what, there's, there's something else going on here. And the thing that's going on is that you're in a situation with people who are not playing the game of being reasonable. And if we're around people who are not playing the game of being reasonable and we're playing the game of being reasonable reasonable, then we're always going to be disappointed and upset and anxious and looking over our shoulder. And what I always say to people is, don't pour your reasonableness onto an unreasonable situation. What else can that look like? That could look like something like, let's imagine that you are married to quite an aggressive man and he comes home at 9 o' clock having told you that he was going to come home and at seven. And then he says, oh no, I never said that I was going to come home at 7. And you remember very clearly that, you know, he sort of said, well, you know what, if you're getting dinner ready tomorrow, can you make sure it's on the table at 7? Because I'll be really hungry and I want to work later, so make sure it's not late. And then you kind of go, okay, yeah, I can do that. He works really hard. I'm a loving woman. I can, I can absolutely do that. And then he comes home at 9 o' clock and you've been waiting for two hours. If you, if he starts to say things like, you know, oh, why, why are you always on at me? No wonder I don't come home if you're always just giving me such a hard time. That is not being reasonable. And if you start to try to explain where you're coming from and say, you see, the thing is this, you know, I was, I was waiting, I was hungry. Because there's an answer for all of those things. Why did you wait? Why did you stay hungry? Why didn't you just go ahead and eat? And then you say, because I thought you were coming home. Well, you should have known. So you're playing the game of being reasonable and trying to sort something out. They're playing a different game. Their game is always having control, having control of the moment, having control over you not being answerable. And with that, you have to drop your reasonableness. You have to say, right, you know, you, you have shown me again and again and again that you are either not willing or not prepared. We don't even care which. We're not willing or prepared to be reasonable to actually have a conversation the way most people would have a conversation and sort things out and get to a point where we can jog along quite nicely and instead it's something else. And I'm just not willing to do this anymore. And I'm pleased to hear that this person is going to be moving out very soon. And that's what you need to do. If someone has consistently shown you that they're not willing to be reasonable and instead they're willing to make your life miserable and make you jump through hoops and claiming that it's because they have a higher standard or claiming it's because they're busier than you or because they are. Whatever it is they're claiming, they can make up all kinds of fun stuff because they are, because they're sick. And you should be understanding because you are too sensitive, because you are too loud, because you're too quiet, because there will always be something wrong with you in this scenario. And if you can learn to just say, you know, you know what, I'm a good person, I'm a reasonable person, and that is a reasonable expectation that is not being met. So I'm out of here. And it reminds me of our last question that we had coming in, and that was a really long one. Remember, we talked at the top of the show all about how, you know, we really love to go into detail and. And this person just took some notes on some of it. So basically there are noisy neighbors right upstairs from them, and these, these people are playing music at sort of 2, 3 o' clock in the morning and just waking this woman's household. And the thing is that when she is telling the story, the really interesting thing was she was saying, look, I'm a musician myself, so I understand that, you know, sometimes. And we've got to get rid of that. We've got to stop leading always with our understanding because that's what we do very often as women. You know what? I understand that he had a bad childhood or she had a bad childhood. I understand that we all have off days. I understand that, you know, sometimes if you're a musician, you know, you end up making loads of noise. We've got to stop being so understanding and we've got to say, what is not working for me? What is it that is not working for me? And how do I change that? So what happened was she went up and knocked on the door, husband went and knocked on the door once, and they would turn down the music and then they'd turn it up again about half an hour later. And another statement that came through was, we didn't Want to get the police involved? Why not? Again, as women, we are always giving people the benefit of the doubt and we try to softly, softly from the start. Whereas very often when people show you that they are aggressors, the thing to do is just to aggress back and teach them that, you know what, you can't rely on my temperature. Because that's what so many people will do with good people. They will rely on the timidity of good people and the, you know, the willingness for people to take time and to see and give you another chance. Anytime that happens with me, like if I'm in a hotel room and someone is making a lot of room in noise in the, in the room next door, I'll immediately go down to reception. I will kick off like you wouldn't believe. I will be really, really strong about it. I will stand in front of the duty manager to, and I will say, you need to fix this. And if they say something like, oh, we can move your room, great, but you know what, I'm not packing. You need to find someone to pack my stuff and move me to that other room. And then suddenly they're like, oh, this is a whole lot of work for us. But if we're the kind of people who are always doing the work, like, you know, we would pack our own bags in order to move to a different room, we would suffer through the noise going on and we would be the ones that are tired the next day. Day, we're taking on other people's irresponsibility and lack of conscientiousness far too much. And that just needs to stop. It really does. We've got to say no. There's a reasonable expectation that when we're paying for a hotel room or we're paying rent in a place, there's a reasonable expectation that people will follow the bylaws and not be making noise in the middle of the night. And so what I would do is knock on the door once second time, call the police out third time, get the council involved and do it really, really fast and really, really strong and, you know, and see what it takes to push back. And yes, we've got to keep ourselves safe. So, you know, even when, you know, not sending your husband around to maybe get punched in the face at 2 o' clock in the morning. But what we want to do is want to say, what can we safely do to escalate this really quickly rather than pulling back all the time? Because again, that's as women, that's our first instinct is to pull back, to work it out, to ask other people to get things on board, to hope we have this like malignant optimism, this hope that this person's going to somehow change their behavior, that they're going to see the light of day, that they're going to, you know, move, that somehow magically something will happen to change this thing that's not working for us in our lives. You know what? It's not going to magically change. You're the one who has to instigate that change. You have to move on from that relationship or get help on board or push back in some way and just announce to the world and the people in your world that, you know what, this is not happening anymore. I'm not telling you taking this. I'm not going to serve that function. I'm not going to play the role of dutiful daughter, nice girl, understanding one, helpful one, that that's a part of who you are and it's a wonderful part of who you are, but it's not all of who you are. And when we're overplaying that hand, it is so easy for us to be the ones that get hurt. And that's what we need to stop. We need to stop being so hurt. We need to stop being the ones who are making less money. We need to stop being the ones who are having to self medicate with food and TV and stories about our lives and daydreaming and Netflix. We've got to stop being that. And instead we've got to start to really step into our power. We've got to decide what is power for us? How is it that we can claim it, what is it that we need to do and what is it that we need to stop doing? How can we radically redefine who it is that we are going to be on this planet in this lifetime? Because we do get to control that. We do get to get very excited about that and make it happen for ourselves. So thank you so much, everybody, for your amazing questions. Thank you for being part of this tribe on Judy Mae is listening every single Monday. We're coming to you live from wrs, the voice of women worldwide from our studios here in Covent Garden in London. And we're really looking forward to seeing you again next week where we'll be back with a wonderful guest. Until then, stay awesome. You've absolutely got this. Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazel Hazelnare Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalized service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078254-4122 and Liz spelt L I S at hazazelmaertravel.co.uk, i'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. 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Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomensradiostation.com.