Judymay Is Listening LIVE SHOW – Stand For Strength

And welcome to Judy Mae is listening. Those of you who are regular listeners are probably wondering, where is that ridiculously awesome jingle that Judy Mae has playing? You know what? We're having a little technical gremlin thing going on in the studio today, but all is good. We have a full house. And you're able to hear myself and my amazing guest here. Back by popular demand, we have Gloria Garcia, our close protection operative. I got the bodyguard to us lay people. And also one of the amazing action stars from Star Wars. So we'll be talking about all things to do with being strong. We've got a full house today, as usual, here at women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. We have Elspuss in the house. She is one of our producers. We also have our technical producer, Melis, and we have our fantastic intern, Lana. So just want to give a little shout out because sometimes it looks like the person that does all the talking is often the person that gets all the spotlight. And it's very, very much a team show. And we love that about being here at wrs. Right. So today I have been listening to what you have been saying about strength. What is it about the word strong and being a woman that is slightly problematic or slightly new? Why is it that we often feel apologetic, that we feel that we have to somehow explain it? When we say we're strong, we say strong but feminine. Or when we say that we are strong, we say, but not too much, but I was still kind. It's almost as if we're allowed to push it out to a certain edge. But then we have to reassure everybody around us that we're not going to let that take away from us being either obedient or attractive or feminine. And today we're going to be just discussing what. What is your relationship to strength? Some women just completely identify as strong. And, you know, they have strong bodies, strong minds, they push forward, and they have no challenge with that. Other women like me, I'll confess, we don't. It's not the first word. The words I would come up with for myself are things like creative, magical, caring. But for many women, the idea of are you strong? It's kind of a problematic idea. And the first note that we have in is from Nadine in California. And Nadine says, I would love to answer back to a colleague of mine, but she shouts at everyone and I don't want her to shout at me. But then I feel like a doormat, so she doesn't shout back. And Nadine, I can completely relate to that. This idea of, you know, on the one hand, I don't want to feel like I'm not standing up for myself. I don't want to feel like I'm a weak person. And on the other hand, when I. We can have this very visceral, very awful reaction when we feel attacked, whether that is verbally attacked through volume, whether it's physically attacked, whether it is emotionally attacked. Somebody can be quite covert in the way that they can be abusive. So what someone can do is they can maybe not be shouting at you. So there's nothing really to point at. But you kind of know that the way that they phrased it, that tone, or the way that they looked at you, or just the fact that they, say, offered you that advice or for some reason, you know, that it was designed to make you feel less strong, to put you in a position where you couldn't be at your optimum. And for those of us who identify as sort of more gentle, those of us who are more timid in our younger years, we can sometimes think that that's just how life is. I recently went through. I was doing sort of a Marie Kondo on my entire life, and I went through some old documents and I found all my school reports from when I was first to when I was 18. And it was extraordinary to me how I was getting all these really great grades. And then the comments were, you know, little Judy Mae is very loving and very caring towards everybody, but she could do with some more confidence. And really, I knew what they were talking about. The fact that I wouldn't dare even go and run around in the playground. Now, when I was younger, my legs didn't work properly. I was kind of mildly handicapped, and so I was a bit wobbly and didn't f until I was in my 20s. But I really felt kind of unsure physically and unsure. I was just always terrified that I would be in trouble. And that's a feeling that I think Nadine can certainly relate to. And many of you can relate to that feeling of, I just don't want to be in trouble. I just don't want to feel that, you know, people are disapproving of me or I don't want people to be annoyed with me, whether that is, you know, again, being yelled at or just sort of saying no or, you know, that famous phrase, I'm just so disappointed in you. So, you know, what is it that we can start to do? And I'm going to bring in Gloria on this one because she is just so extraordinary. In standing strong in her life and expecting other women. Just having this natural expectation that she has for all women that, yeah, you get to do that too. It's not just for women who have special martial arts training. It's not just for women who identify as strong or women who had sort of a tough childhood and had to become strong. But it is impact for everybody. Right? Right. First, let me say thanks for having me here. Love being here. Always love being on women's radio station. You girls are great. Judy Mae, you're fantastic. Wow. Quite a bulk of what was said. I think our natural tendency going back to Nadine and getting yelled at is our inclination is to just either yell back or walk away, which is a good thing. The walking away part, I never suggest yelling back because it just never accomplishes anything. But I think what we need to do and what I learned with being a bodyguard is that it's very difficult to show non emotion. It's very difficult to not react right away. But again, in my business, that's kind of our main forte of that's why we're good at what we do. I think with Nadine, it's a matter of kind of understanding in a very quick, in a quick minute where that person is coming from that either something was provoked that allowed that person to do that or wanted that person to do that, or something had happened to that individual. Because I don't think it's not normal just to go in at somebody and yell at somebody. So it's coming from a place of something that either happened to them, something that happened either that morning or years ago. We're not ever going to know that. And if it's years ago, it's just that they've then maybe learned to use aggression. Right. And it's just embedded in them because they've not learned any other way. But the thing is, I think that we as the recipients of that yelling need to be a bit more understanding and sympathize and think, okay, where is this coming from? And kind of readjust it because I think you can always set precedents on how that situation's going to pan out. So if you start screaming at me, if I take a very calm approach, I can guarantee you 9 out of 10 it is going to change that situation because you're either going to one feel ridiculous that you're screaming at me because I'm not responding to how you want me to respond, which is me screaming back. That's initially what I think it is that you want, or backing off. You're actually giving another way saying, well no, I'm going to stand here and be reasonable and you can either join in with the grown ups or you can keep doing your thing. Right, exactly. And what about Nadine's fear that if she does that, if she doesn't go in really strong and maybe yelling back or whatever that she'll be a doormat or if she runs away, she'll be a doormat. I know when you stand there you're not being a doormat, you're saying I'm here, you haven't scared me away. Right. I think it's quite the opposite. I think if she does yell back that she does then become the doormat because she is doing exactly what that other individual wants her to do. She has been manipulated in that moment. Exactly, exactly. Manipulated. Such a great word. Yeah. But I think that's the case. I think if she turns around and just calms the situation, walks away, ignores it or completely changes the tone, then the response from both ends will be good and they will actually get somewhere. Because right now she's not getting anywhere and the person who's yelling at her is not getting anywhere even though they might think they are. Yeah. She's just got to kind of pick up her game and go, I'm not going to feel bad about myself and no one's going to make me feel bad about myself. And I love that phrase you just used, pick up her game. Yeah. Because sometimes we sort of think that we need to get very complex around it, that we have to, you know, heal and understand. And there's a place for that, definitely. And that's pretty much 80% of what I do in my job. However, I just love that sometimes it is just about just know what, just decide, decide and stand strong. And that there is a physiological element to standing strong. Right, right. Because you know, every time I see you, you're standing in this position that just says I'm here, I'm taking up space. And as women, I feel that we're often trained to take up less space. Right. And I think that's really well said is take up more space. Why we have this mentality that we have to be so small. I don't know where that comes from. I think we are strong women. There is strength in women, there is strength in ourselves. And when I was here last time, I don't know, remember, we had the conversation, a bit of a conversation about the response time of people and I just think that our response time needs to be quicker. We have a Tendency sometimes to over evaluate our overthink things and not be sure of ourselves. And in your job you do not have time, you literally don't have time for that. That could be the difference between life and death for the person who's hired you. Right, right, exactly. So how did you train yourself to have that response time to just listen to your gut and go for it? And do you have situations like what was that movie with, I think it was Clint Eastwood where he heard a balloon pop and he thought it was gunfire and he went and proceeded as if it was gunfire and he was made to look like a fool. He was being a bodyguard in something. Oh, that was just, it was on actually a couple weeks ago and I can't remember the name of it. You know the one I. Yeah, I know exactly. But I think as women, not one of us normal career, we're more likely to worry about what the reaction will be if we get it wrong. What if this person isn't going to attack us and we've suddenly started running down the street? Right. Or what if, you know, so, so what I'm hearing you saying is that to just go with your gut. Right? Well, it's almost like it's in anything in our life. We take a hole of 100% and there's 50% that's I 50% derogatory or in our heads, the good and the bad. I run into women all the time who for whatever reason tend to go the safer route. What they think is the derogatory part. They never just want to go for it. They never just go because they're so afraid of being ridiculed or somebody going, oh God, you messed up. You made the wrong decision. I personally have always been taught just to jump into it and if you screw up and if it's a massive mess up, then at least you gave it your all. Otherwise the derogatory part and the part that could have failed completely, at least you could pick yourself up and go, hey, okay, that was. At least you did something. At least you did something. It reminds me of the great Teddy Roosevelt quote. It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, how the doer of deeds could have done it better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes up short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually serve to do the deeds who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement? And who at the worst, if she fails, at least she fails while daring greatly so that her place will never be amongst those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. And that's kind of what we got into, right? We got to cling to that. We got to be like, you know, at least we're in the arena here as women. At least we are going for it. At least we are saying, I'm here, I'm showing up. If it goes badly, at least I was in the game. Right? Right. And we have a voice. I mean, that is why it says women's radio station, voice of women worldwide. We have a voice and we need to start respecting our own voice and not be afraid of our own voice. And a lot of women are. When you ask me about being trained or what I know and getting into the bodyguard world, even throughout my years, all the training that I do doesn't necessitate it to just bodyguard work. It's just growing as a woman. It's just really being alert to who you are every day. And as you get older, you just. I'm like a soaking sponge. There's nothing I don't pick up. There's nothing I don't want to learn. There's nothing. And no big mistake that are big mistakes that are going to drop me to the ground. And I think if most of us had that mentality, you know, we'd feel safe. We'd feel safe and sound because we know that nothing could break us. And I think that's a big part of who we are now about, you know, making sure that nobody breaks us tears us up to the point where we start to feel so bad about ourselves because I've seen it that people just don't pick themselves up again. And it's a very hard ride. Men have the tendency that if they feel bad about themselves, a lot of times they get over it pretty quickly or they're good at not showing it. I'm not saying we should be non emotional and not show it. I think that's kind of, you know, the brilliance of women. But with that said, maybe cut down our recovery time. We cut down our recovery time. Yeah. You know, that we're not sort of retreating. I remember one time something had gone wrong with a book agent of mine. And even though at the time I knew that I'd done nothing wrong, we still can carry this very little girl feeling of, oh, no, people are upset. That means I didn't do what I was supposed to do. And I remember retreating for weeks, if not months. I didn't write any books, didn't do anything in the book world. And now, if that happened, I know that my recovery time would be maybe, maybe 10 minutes while eating sweet potato fries. So we can do that with Nadine. Maybe if she goes in there and that woman does yell. Yeah, it might feel bad for a few moments, but just remembering that you can breathe deeply and just retraining your brain that the thing that your brain is believing, the reason you're shaking is you're producing all this adrenaline because you think you're going to have to fight really hard. But the more you go into those situations, the more your body starts to learn that, no, in fact, it's okay, you're not going to have to fight and you don't need to produce all this adrenaline and that you can actually then sort of just sit in it a lot more easily. I remember just being like a shaky little Chihuahua of a person for decades simply because my body hadn't learned that I was going to be okay no matter what. And actually putting myself into more difficult situations helped me to retrain my body. Were you always good, Gloria, at shouting loudly? Because in our house, we weren't allowed really talk. We weren't allowed to say things. You know, if you spoke, you had to be devastatingly eloquent and witty and supportive. But nobody in our house, I don't remember anyone even saying something like, shut up in our house. I certainly remember no one ever yelling. It just wasn't a thing. So it took me a long time to learn how to just up the power and up the volume on my voice. No, you know what? When I was growing up, it wasn't a part of my household because my father just was very stern, very Latin, but he never raised his voice. His tone completely changed. So I knew when we were in trouble. I think the tone in my voice and the quote, unquote, like, being able to raise my voice yelling was when I was a police officer in Chicago. Oh, tell us about that. I think when you are working within the prison system and you have X amount of officers you are in charge of and X amount of inmates close to, you know, like anywhere between 450 and 600, you have to shout. And these are all men? These are men, yes. Yeah. This is the RTU division, which is considered like, the rehabilitation, which, you know, in Cook county is a Whole other conversation. But so I think very, very dangerous people. Oh, yeah. Well, a lot of them are on appeal for murder, and then one next door is, you know, stole something. So it's. It's just. It's a very. And a lot of. A lot of gangs, so a lot of gang violence and everything, but it's a revolving door. So how did you use your voice in that situation? Well, I think there's a time where just, you know, vocally, you just have to yell because otherwise, you know, the. Hear the crowd and the loudness of the inmates, they just can't hear you unless you're very vocal. So I think it's when you start to train in that way, in the sense of every day, when you have to raise your voice, it becomes common. Is it a good thing? Probably not. Probably not. Because now I think sometimes I don't know where my vocal cords lie, whether I'm screaming or what. But voice modulation is definitely a thing. I think we either are very much on one side or the other. With me, it's always people saying, sorry, what? Speak up. I don't think anyone's ever accused me of speaking too loudly. Well, it was hard for me here, too, because I love that the Brits, they like. You do speak softly, and you have this lovely tone and this lovely accent. And as an American, I sometimes walk in a room and I'm like, blah, blah, blah. And sometimes they're like, oh, my God, her voice is so projected. There's a theory about that, about Americans, that because when you went out there a couple of hundred years ago, that there was such vast distances that you had to speak across, that you actually just. Whereas if you think of somewhere like Japan, where they live in very small, tight spaces, their voices are very low because they can be. But I honestly, I can say, God, this is a terrible thing to say, but I notice here that every time I'm in either a restaurant, a club, or wherever, that the loud person is the American and the. And it is. And also just for our purposes, talking about power, they probably are more empowered because they probably get more of the attention. They probably get served faster. I often find that the people who are more territorial, whether that is with their voice or with themselves physically or just. Just in some way, they sort of just take up more space, they get more of the attention. They get other people, you know, taking care of them, they get other people just not getting in their way. And I know a lot of women would like to have some of that for themselves. So a thing That I always advise is when you walk in somewhere and claim your territory, you know, I always put my bag on the chair opposite, so someone can't just come and take that chair. You know, Then on an outer corner, put my coat. And I just sort of say, this is my space. I own this. Right. And I noticed even a few years ago, all the photographs of me, my shoulders were just so hunched in and I was just so kind of like, oh, I'm cute. I'm taking up as little space as possible. And now you'll see me just all angles. This morning I was at Richard Malone's catwalk show for London Fashion Week. And it was just. It was lovely. But I just noticed that the photographs that my friend was taking of me, that I just didn't mind taking up more space, having my arms and legs at angles. Right, right. And that's something that I always felt was for other women. And that leads us to our next question or next statement from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. We will always respect that. She says. I feel that no matter how much I work out, I'm still really weak. And I'm only five foot one. It makes me feel like a little girl physically. I'd love to be like the women in action movies now. If you've seen Star. The Force Awakens, the first woman that was on screen after 10 years of Star wars disappearing was our own Gloria Garcia. So, you know, you are by definition one of the women that she's saying, I would love to be like that. You know, were you always. Could you always identify as physically strong? No. Oh, God, no. Not at all. I mean, I was the super skinny, little frail girl. You know, I'm only five, six, so I was bullied. You know, I was bullied most of my childhood years. Because you grew up in a really, really tough neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah, in Cicero. Good old Cicero, Illinois. And I was just really. Yeah, I was little. I mean, I'm still little, but I work out and I train a lot. But I think it's more the mental and emotional training than it is the physical training. The physical training is easy. I think it's the other part. Does the training help? Like if you. If you were to. So you can kind of meet it at both ends. You don't have to wait until your, you know, your. Your Zen is completely where it needs to be and. No. Well, think about it. If we're say that we're morning people and we wake up, you know, quite early, six, seven in the morning, and you go for a Run. And you. But you, you know, you're dying. You're going, oh, my God. I just really don't want to go out in that cold. The second you step out that door and you're in at five minutes, your whole mentality changes. It just makes your day better. Yes. I mean, it would be a hard argument with someone for somebody to say to me, oh, no, you don't. Because I. You just do. You just feel better. Yeah. And I'm a morning person, too, and it's the same thing. And I think that we can invite women to change their idea of who they can be. So when people say things like, I'm a chocoholic or I'm a smoker or I'm a love addict or I'm a whatever, that might help you to identify what your problem is. But after a while, if you just keep using the label as the something that identifies you, then you're not getting free of it. You're not saying something like, okay, well, I identify as someone who's not a great physical specimen, and I'm going to change that. And maybe giving yourself the label first, saying, well, I'm a courageous runner for someone who gets up early in the morning and goes out and does that. So I would say to this lovely lady and to anyone that feels like they're stuck in any identity, the first thing that needs to shift is you need to recognize the way that you've been selling it to yourself and just decide that there is something else that you can do. So what was it that you did when you wanted to go from being kind of bullied and weaker into being stronger? Well, I just started doing sports. I mean, I started doing sports. I started making new friends that were outside of my school. I just started opening up my world and going back to what she said about wanting to be like the action heroes. Those action heroes, I can tell you, a lot of them are 5, 3, 5, 4. They're petite little girls. This is true. And so I think it's not even a matter of changing our attitude towards ourselves, but it's changing the attitude of what we think is the beautiful one or the action hero or the model or whatever. How many times do we pick up a magazine and look and go, oh, my God, I wish I looked like that? You know what? When you see them in person, they don't look like themselves even. I was actually just backstage at a fashion show, and you're right, they don't look that different. You go, come on. So it's not A matter of comparing yourself to someone. It's for this lovely lady to say, I'm my own action hero. What's going to make me so kick ass? And I'm not going to compare myself to the likes of what was the great Jennifer Gardner when she was in her 1. I think Charlize Theron is the only actual tall. She's the only individual. Can we just decide right now that Charlize Theron is the only person that we're all legitimately allowed to be as jealous of as we want to be? Yes. And it's just blonde for sure. We can all wish. Oh, right. Just everything. Okay. But an interesting thing is about, you know, being small, being five foot one. A friend of the show. Cassandra Ebner is a stunt woman in working between LA and Vancouver. And she's 5:1. She is tiny and it's just really been to her benefit because she's ended up stunt doubling a lot of children. So anytime children need to do a stunt, they call in Cassandra. And also she ended up being one of the children of the forest in Game of Thrones and won a SAG award for that. So there are benefits to every shape, every size, every background. You might think, oh, I came from a really tough background. Great. Let that, the fact that you survived that, that you thrived through that, let that then decide that the next bit's gonna be even more amazing. Now you've had a sort of a, you know, a mind, body and soul workout and you're gonna now that you are strong already, you're gonna take that forward. A lot of women feel weak when they've been in an abusive relationship. Whether it's emotionally abusive, physically abusive, financially abusive. And they believe when they come out of it that they're weaker. But in fact they've just had this extraordinary workout and that, you know, when you can survive that, when you can get through that, get out the other side with, you know, all the people that you love intact, then really it's time then to next level it and say right now that I'm not having to spend so much time and effort managing this abusive person, what am I going to manage? And starting to become financially free, starting to become physically stronger, starting to just love life more. It's just, it's like what you always say, don't not to self abandon. So I think that's a big portion of it. But I think again the big deal is to not always and consistently compare yourself to someone else. You are your own person. You make yourself what you make Yourself, you can always see the positives in you. It's not about always seeing consistent positives, because we all have negative aspects to ourselves, and that's fine. We just continue to work on those things. But you have to see yourself for who you are. You have to know what your limitations are, which I believe, as women, we have none. And I think at the end of the day, and if we do, they're just temporary. They're just temporary. And it's like getting into a boxing ring and doing three minutes of three, and then you're like, oh, my God, that was tiring. But it's so exhilarating because then it just pushes you more and your stamina gets stronger and you get stronger. Actually, I remember my first MMA class was with Cassandra. She had just flown in to LA that day, and I was like, oh, you know what? I've just got my first session with my personal trainer, my MMA fighter trainer, guy called Shawn Lionheart. Amazing guy. And it was just so funny because we did the whole thing, and I was really selling myself a number. I was just like, oh, my God, Judy Mae, what makes you think you can do this? Because Cassandra was just acing it. After the class. After the class, she decided to tell me that two years before, she had said, starred in a boxing movie. Thanks, Cassandra. But. But it was. But then very soon, in the first class, very first class, Shawn said something like, well, you know, if you get in a bar fight. And Cassandra just broke up laughing, she's like, yeah, finding Judy Mae either in a bar or in a fight, that's funny. And then within a few weeks, I'd be saying something to him like, well, now, would I use that in the cage or would I use that in a bar fight? You can absolutely, radically, radically change the way that you see yourself. It's kind of. In case you're wondering where the adverts are, we're having a little bit of a technical glitch. So I think what I'd like to do right now is I'd like for us to do adverts of our own. So if we could. If we could sell anything, I think the first thing that we would be selling on Judy May's listening. This is Judy May's listening. I'm Judy Mae Murphy here with Gloria Garcia today, our wonderful guest. We're here on WRS women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. And what we'd like to sell you right now is, I think the first thing is a pair of boxing gloves to every woman boxing Gloves. It just makes you feel badass, doesn't it? I have this really cute picture of me somewhere on Instagram, which is me taking tea in the Culver Hotel in Los Angeles with my boxing gloves on because it was just so. I just didn't want to take them off. I think one of the first things we learn as a bodyguard is every day to punch a bag. That is like the basic training is get up every morning and just punch a bag. Punch something. I've just decided right now that I'm gonna get a punch bag in my apartment. I've just made that decision. Honestly, you have to, because, number one, it strengthens your wrists. And you know, us as women, we have more petite wrists, a lot of us. So we don't physically have the power in our hands and our wrists, because obviously it starts from, you know, like a centimeter up from your wrist down. And so just the mere exercise of punching a bag every day already, I'm telling, number one, it is an adrenaline rush, and you just. You get addicted to it where you don't want to stop because it just is like. It's such an empowering move to just be able to punch a punching bag in the morning. And can you work a speedball? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Feedback. Speed bag. Speedball. Okay. Shows. I've been hanging out in the Groucho too much, doesn't it? Speed bag. Well, we won't be selling that in our little advertising section here. What else would we sell to women? I think. I think the thing that all women need to have is a pair of just kick ass boots. Yeah, just like. Because that really grounds us. It makes us feel really, really strong once. We don't feel like we're teetering or we're uncomfortable or that we're compromising that these are our comfortable shoes that we need to apologize for. So ones that just feel amazing, look amazing, and we could just instantly be one of Charlie's angels in those boots. I think the boots are the next thing we're selling in this advertising session. What are we selling next, Gloria? Red lipstick. Red lipstick. Tell me about why we're selling red lipstick. Because we all need that, like, punch of makeup on our face. It just makes us feel better no matter what. I completely believe in red lipstick for anything, any day, anytime, any situation. And why do we love it so much? I think it's like Coco Chanel used to talk about. Yeah, it's Chanel. Coco Chanel. It defines you. It says that it's both strong and sexy. It's not saying, you know, I will. It's saying I'm being sexy for me is what red lipstick says, isn't it, really? Yep, that's it. Fantastic. Great. And another thing that I would like to sell us in this extended ad break is green juice. So let's have every woman drink green juice. I do it every single morning. And you get more nutrients on board in one green juice than most people have in the whole of the rest of the day. And the really cool thing about it is that it also trains your appetite. So it's kind of like a version of priming. It's like you're now craving vegetables. So you'll find that if you have your green juice in the morning, by lunchtime, you're for some strange reason, not wanting the pizza. You're wanting something that's very, very rich in vegetables. You're wanting the stir fry or whatever. And that's because, you know, the brain always wants to do what it did before. So you can actually retrain your appetite just by having that green juice every morning. Yeah, I agree. I agree totally in with that. Any types of juice I love. Any types of juice I love. Anyone want to give the jingle a go in the studio? We have this really great jingle. Trust us, we have this really. You'll just have to tune in again next week to hear the awesome jingle that was written by John Morris Doyle, a friend of mine from la and an extraordinary guitarist. And I told him, I said, you know what? I want something. That's Dwayne Eddy and Lightning Hopkins and just really, really cool. And he aced it. He absolutely aced it. Yeah, it's perfect. It's perfect. Let's think about one more thing that we can put in our toolkit as women who are standing strong. Music. Because I find that sometimes I'm listening to music that is so feminine and so, so girly that I feel like I'm just gonna float off out of the atmosphere. But then when I'm about to step up on stage, I always get them to play something. You know, usually if I don't tell them what to play, I have to tell them what to play. Because usually when I'm getting up in front of. You know, if you're getting up in front of 2,3000 people, you need to be strong. You can't. You can't sort of get up and be just kind of like, apologetic for being there. You have to. Everything about you has to be strong. So I tend to use a song called Be Somebody by Kings of Leon. I have also used things like thunderstruck acdc, because otherwise what they do is they put on the most jingly, light little thing, or if you're really lucky, they'll put on Gwen Stefani. But now I really take charge of it. And I'm like, no, it's this. And they say, oh, well, the promoter said, no, it's this. If that's not playing, I'm not getting up on stage. And then they play it. And also then having to pre frame the. The person is introducing me that they have to say, you know, because usually if I left them to their own devices, they say, she's so lovely. You'll never meet someone as lovely as Judy Mae. That's not what you want to hear when you're about to step into a real power position. So I think that the music that we play in our own heads and our own lives is really quite important. Yeah. What would you do? I can imagine you training. Do you ever listen to music while you're training? Oh, God, yeah. I mean, I listen to everything. Well, of course I listen to my husband's music. I listen to. Yeah, because he does a lot of R and B and soul. So that kind of just sets the vibe of things I love. But then, you know, like the soundtrack for. Even, like, Demolition man, the soundtrack for Killing Eve, is brilliant. I mean, she nailed it. She nailed it with that, I gotta tell you. And. And then we can play Blondie and pretend that we're Charlize, of course, going back to Atomic Blonde. I mean, you know, that soundtrack is brilliant as well. So. So it's just. Yeah, there's. I gave that as coaching to a client recently. She was just not in. She's a very, very powerful woman doing extraordinary things on the planet. And she just had a wobbler. She just. That day, she was wobbly. And I said, you know what, we can talk for half an hour, but you need to get this in your body and you need to get inspired. Go watch this. And she said she didn't even have to watch the whole thing. She was just back in her power place. And so, yeah, it's extraordinary how we can do that as women. Let's talk a little bit about. We've talked quite a lot about the physicality of being strong, and we sold you a whole bunch of products. And the next thing that we're going to do, though, is talk about the emotional, because we don't want to be just kind of like forcing our way through and it being fake. We want to Actually feel really good. So emotional strength, emotional resilience is one of my favorite subjects because we don't really sit down and look at it. We tend to think, you know, well, I'm easily upset. A thing that was always thrown at me was overly sensitive or you're just overly sensitive. My phrase now back to anybody, they say you're overly sensitive. I said, no, I'm not overly sensitive. You're just overly awful. And this is the thing that we've got to just not take it as given that we're somehow wrong and less than and also not take it as a given that somehow we don't have emotional choices that we don't have new responses that we can bring on board. Because most of us women have been in relationships, like love relationships, where we've been really hurt and we've stayed in them for too long and we've, you know, kept going even though we knew that it was maybe time to go out. And we didn't see that as weakness, we saw it as strength because we saw our strength, the strength that we were leading with was the strength to be empathic, the strength to be patient, the strength to be loving. Whereas sometimes when you're doing those kind of strengths against yourself, it stops being a strength and it starts being a weakness. And instead we need to say, no, now it's time to be a different kind of loving. It's time to be loving enough toward myself and my destiny and my life that I will step away and not be around someone who's abusive. And I'm sure in your job a lot of it is having that emotional resilience because there'd be no point you being amazingly physically trained and then sort of be jumping like a scared rabbit every time something around that corner. Yeah, absolutely not. So, I mean, but again, for me, you know, I think I'm kind of the extreme. So my shutdown moments are very shut down. My observations and my kind of barrier to like a non emotional outlet is extreme with me. So. But when I take it back to like, what I see is like a normalcy level. So when you're in work mode as opposed to when you're in everyday mode, as opposed to everyday mode? Yeah, because like I said, my work mode is extreme. I think we do that because I think that for a lot of women, if they were able to access that extreme distancing emotionally and just know that that's available. Oh yeah. Then the other stuff would be a walk in the park. Yeah, right. So. So how can we do that? What, what would, can do, you know, consciously what your process is when you are. Is it that you just take your focus off yourself or is it, what, what, what sort of mode do you go into? Well, I think, number one, God, and I know that people hate when this is said because I'm even one who always goes, oh, don't say that. When somebody says, you know, don't take it personal. But I think that's kind of the biggest protective barrier we can reward ourselves is you just can't take things personal. You can't take things personal. Meg Ryan say that and you've got mail. And he says, you know, everyone keeps saying to her, it's not personal, it's just business. It's not personal, it's just business. And she has this great moment where she almost wails, but it's personal to me. Yeah. I mean, and that's what I'm saying. I could get that to a point. But every time you don't switch that gear in your head that says it's probably got more to do with the other individual than it has to do with me. So if I can just guard myself for a second here, then I can proceed. Otherwise, if I give into that, then I'm just going to be an ultimate mess. And nine out of 10, that's how it ends up. And it ends up in an argument, it ends up in a fight, it ends up where you feel bad, you're feeling upset, you can't get out of it. But if you just switch it for a moment and go, you know what, it's probably got nothing to do with me, you know, when you've done something wrong, you know, when you've done, you know, something to hurt someone. So I hope to God that as women we're bright enough to know that when we are the fault, number one. Number two, if somebody starts to make you feel bad or you feel non emotionally sound, I think the reality of the fact is, again, just what I said is you have to just, you have to switch off and give yourself a moment and go, you know what? I'm not going to take this personal or I'm never going to move forward with this. Like nothing. There's going to be no outcome here. Yeah. To take that moment where we're not just reacting, but we're actually choosing a response that is just not just a knee jerk like, oh, I've been hurt, oh, I've been kicked. I'm going to push back or I'm going to run away. But just standing there, just for that split second sometimes and saying, what's actually going on here? How do I feel about it? How do I want to respond? And I love that you said choosing a response. I think that's brilliant. We have to choose our response. We don't always have to react. People are not looking for us to, like, right away come back to them and go, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I remember we discussed this last time about there's no reason, like we have this tendency to think that we right away have to give an answer. Yeah. And instead we can say, you know what? I'm going to go away and think about that. I'll get back to you. Right, right. Yeah. But I think the emotional side of, you know, training your own brain, I think it just comes with wear and tear, you know, I mean, it just does. We learn from instances and things that have happened, but I think we always have to look at it as a positive and go, you know what? This was okay, that that happened. I learned this and this and this from it. Not, oh my God, I feel that, that and that from it. And start inclining yourself to go up the hill versus down. So it's like if we were to put a drawing about the bad things we learned versus the good things we learned. I find that sometimes us as women, we always. We look at the bad and we get just sulked and sucked into the bad and go, oh, God. And we just. We over. Over talk about it, over obsess about it when we should just go, oh, my God, I learned that from that. And how brilliant is that? And even just noticing that it's getting your attention. Yeah. So saying what this is getting my attention because my brain believes I have to do something around it. But just because I'm having this physical reaction that says, hey, pay att. You got to do something, doesn't mean you actually have to do something. Because that message can be coming from childhood. That message can be coming from even a very ancient place, and you can talk back to it and say, yeah, you know what? Actually, you don't need to do anything. I find as women, we over apologize for the same reason. Well, I think too, you know, you were saying earlier about, you know, women staying or sometimes we stay in relationships or situations and things we shouldn't. And I think that what we have too is we have loyalty. We're very loyal human beings. And I remember sometime years ago, an individual had said to me, you know, he's like, you would be the type of person who stays in something or stays in A friendship or does, because you just. You always are wanting to make it work. Right? And I still think of that statement because I think with women, it's absolutely true. We are nurturers and we always want to make something right. We always want to make a situation and an outcome good. And I think sometimes we need to start to realize that we need to break from that and go, you know what? We owe it to ourselves to nurture ourselves. And going back to what you said, not self abandoning ourselves and switching that around as well. A phrase I really love is malignant optimism. It's this idea of if I just do this and I just stick in there and I just try this other thing, eventually they'll get it. Eventually they will change. Realizing we have no power to change anybody and it's not our business, it's not our job. We've got to just get rid of that addiction to controlling people because it is. You might be controlling them by cooking great dinners. You might be controlling them by being lovely. You might be controlling them by agreeing with them politically or something, but you are controlling them. It's not necessarily a nice thing. And also that, you know, you think that if you keep doing that that they will change. And it's just, yeah, this malignant optimism, this idea of just, you know, one day. And the thing is that some people are so disordered or so not for you, that they're not going to change today, tomorrow, or even one day. And there are some women who spend their entire lives with this story of one day. And if I can be more, I mean, just heartbreaking things. Women who believe that if they lose the weight, they're with an abusive spouse. And he says, oh, well, I wouldn't look at other women if you took better care of yourself. And this woman is struggling with three kids and not being around somewhere where she can get good food. And she really believes that. She really believes that when I'm a certain weight, this man will start to be nice to me and it's just not the case. So a thing that I learned that I always do is I always presume that somebody is not going to change at all. And are they right now at a level where I'm happy for them to be part of my tribe? Are they right now, are they the kind of person who I want to become? Because we become the people that we hang out with? It just happens. It just happens. We're just influenced by them. We're really inspired by the creative people. We're really loving. What the, what the Nurturing people are doing. But I'm very, very clear with everyone in my life why they're in my life. What is it in them that I'm treasuring? What is it in them I want to become more like? And it makes life so much easier because I'm never waiting for anybody to change. And if right now, today, somebody is not in a place where I am just absolutely delighted to be around them, I just. I'm not around them. I'm just not around them. And there's no resentment toward them simply because I'm. I've just. I've made a Choice. There are 7 billion people. We, you know, choose the good ones. That's what I say. Rather than thinking it's our job, as you say, to go in there and, and fix and, and change other people. So we don't need to. We have enough on our plate changing ourselves. Absolutely. Dealing with our own stuff. Right? Yeah. We have enough of our plate as awesome as we can. It's sort of like when I hear women who are constantly volunteering, constantly helping others. And I've got one question. If you listener or someone that does that, are you financially free? Because it's your job to make yourself financially free. And then when you've done that, you can earn the right to go out and help others. But right now, is there a chance that if things didn't go right for you that you'd have to be the recipient of a similar charity later on down the line? First look after you? And again, we feel as women often that we don't have permission to do that. That somehow we're supposed to be. That we are accepted because we're good at looking after other people. I've become beautifully self. Full is kind of the hippie phrase for it just really, really focused on me. I remember the first time I was at a really big event in Hawaii as a participant in the year 2001, and people kept saying things like, well, you know, it's all about service and it's all about contribution. And they had a contribution day. And on the contribution day, I was just exhausted. And I went back then and reported that on the contribution day I stayed in bed all day because the person who most needed my help was me. And on the surface they were all like, okay, well that's really good. Great. So you were looking at great. But definitely, you know, I did not get any props for that. I didn't get any Scooby snacks for looking after me. And we're constantly getting this low level Message of, oh, right, you're looking after yourself. Oh, right. Mom's eating dinner first. All right. Okay. Spending money on you when my birthday's coming up. And we're just constantly getting this low level message that, you know, okay, but make sure the rest of us are looked after first. And it's got to be completely the other way around. It has to be that we look after ourselves first and completely to a very high level. A level where we feel uncomfortable. If you're not feeling uncomfortable with your radical self care, it's not radical enough. Yeah, yeah. And you definitely put, I know you put your, you know, your daily workout routines, looking after you, taking the time for you. You take that very seriously. Yeah. I mean, number one, I have to. But number two, most importantly, I enjoy it. I enjoy it. I enjoy looking after myself. I'm important to myself. You know, a friend of mine in Mexico City always wore this charm that said, you know, he always used to say, I'm with the best person in the world. Or we would call him up and go, where are you? And he's like, I'm having dinner with the best person in the world. And he's like, or the person I love the most. And we're like, who? And he's like, me, myself and I. It was just. It was so brilliant because you're like, that's what we have to do. We have to take care of ourselves. And, you know, I think what you were saying earlier, too, about, you know, females and how we think we can't stand for strength because then it takes the feminism away from us. Me, I can tell you, as a bodyguard, that is my struggle every day because I'm like, you know, suited and booted. You know, hair's tied back, you know, and it's very unglamorous. And I think you kind of look like Sandra Bullock at the beginning of what's that great movie where she becomes a beauty queen. Oh, a beauty queen. Miss Congeniality. Thanks, Elspeth. Miss Congeniality. That's it. You kind of. You're like, you're not slob the way she is. But it is very kind of, like, pared back. Yeah. So I fight every day to go, my God, I can't wait to put on the short dress and the high heels and some lipstick on or whatever. But like you said earlier, we need to stand for strength. It is okay to have both sides. We can be a little masculine and we can definitely. We are definitely all feminine. But, you know, why is it with sometimes with men they're good looking, hardworking men and then they put a suit on and they look like fashionistas. But we never go, oh, that's less feminine because you look so pretty tonight. You know what I mean? So I think for us women, we just, it's okay to be, it's okay to be both. Let's just be kick ass women all the way around. That's it in a nutshell, you know. Absolutely. And just, and just stand in that strength every single moment. Why is it, do you think that we, that we feel so much pushback? Do you think that it really exists? I mean, I can see a lot of it, but do you think that it's something that we're getting better at? That we're getting better at just saying, well, you know what, it's okay if you don't approve of this. This is something that I'm doing. Oh yeah, I think we're getting much better at it. I think you read it in the papers every day, you see it on the news every day. I think for sure women are becoming more vocal about who we are. I think it's, thank God it's finally happening because when I was younger in high school or whatever, it didn't happen at all. So, yeah, it's definitely happening. We're becoming our own individuals, whether we're married, whether we have children. I think too, when I say we have a lot on our plate. Men, bless their hearts, they go out, they bust their ass, they work, they bring home money, they take care of their families. But women, we have to realize that we do the same now. And we are also childbearers and we also take care of the children and our cooking. And we cook, we do all of that stuff. So we do a lot. So we need to be a little bit more proud of ourselves and go, my God, this is what we saying. Well, tonight I don't fancy cooking dinner. Who else would like to cook dinner? Whatever. Yeah. And when you got a good man and he cooks your dinner, there's, you know, I know that's. And the presumption is that you're both going to look after each other. There's, there's nothing healthier than that. I remember at the age of 19, somewhere in the 1980s, just going around with my copy of Simone de Beauvoir's Second Sex under my arm and thinking, that was it. We had it all sorted now. It was all, it was all all right. And, and then, yeah, lived through the next couple of decades thinking, maybe not. But as you Say, it's just, it's wonderful what's happening now. One of my favorite Twitter accounts is Raz E M R A Z Z Z Z and she's called the feminist Next door. She's so extraordinary, and I praise her all the time on Twitter because what she does brilliantly, and so please do check her out, what she does brilliantly is she takes a thing that you are thinking already. So supposing you make a statement about what women need more of or a statement about, you know, the importance for white women to recognize their white privilege and help women of color. And you know that what you're thinking is a good thing to be thinking. And somebody argues back against it. And it's just very difficult sometimes to articulate a feeling into a logical thought. And what Mraz is brilliant at is just nailing it time and time and time again and saying, because, you know, she would say something and men would jump in and say, well, not all men. And I remember thinking, yeah, but. And then I realized, yeah, you know what? We know not all men. We acknowledge not all men are abusive. Not nearly all men are abusive. However, we can't keep distracting from the conversation with having to let the men know, yes, it's all right, we know you're good. We can't keep having to distract from the conversation about what needs to change for women. We can't simultaneously be reassuring you that you're one of the good ones. And also fighting our fight. We're just going to fight our fight and, you know, we'll say it once. We won't attack you. But instead of that, how about just coming on board with us and becoming a real ally and becoming part of that fight. And I think that there are so many women who are doing strong, doing different aspects of strong, different ways that, you know, the physical or how we articulate something or, you know, how we do radical self care or how we take care of ourselves emotionally. And there are just so many experts around there, so many just beautiful examples of that that we can just really keep learning from each other. And that's what I love about women's radio station, which is where we are right now. You're listening to Judy Mae is listening. I'm Judy Mae Murphy here with Gloria Garcia. And what we're doing is we are finding out from Gloria what is it is her version of strong. But let's start looking everywhere for every kind of strong and becoming that. And the more we do that, the more we elevate ourselves. We're simultaneously elevating the whole tribe of women. I was just going to ask, who is it that is your really great role model for strength? Oh, my gosh, I have so many. I truly do. I have so many. Number one was my mom. My mom was brilliant, graduated from Northwestern nursing and then ended up working just with my father. And I just think that role models could be anybody from the house mom to the working mom to the one who is at PTA meetings all day. We just never know who we're going to run into. But again, going back to what you said, Judy May, about just stand for strength, women in strength. I think that for us, we just always need to make sure that we and our outlook is very positive, that everything we're always doing is very positive. That when it's going back to like we were talking about men or situations, abusive situations, on both sides, now as we know it's both sides, it's never just one. It's both sides is both. I think really quickly that what we need to do is make sure that when we are gauging for relationships and friendships that we need to just go, what do we want? So if we don't want to cook for somebody in the evening, it's okay. We don't need to feel guilty. We always have this overwhelming sense of guilt as women that we think we can't do anything and we have to always do something to provide for the other person or be loyal to the other person or on the other side, we feel like we've got to not cook dinner because we've got to make this very strong statement. Yeah, the guilt has got to stop. Neither is true. We don't. It's. It's just dinner. Like, making it or not making it doesn't define you. And as you say, just going back to that thing like, well, what do I feel like tonight? Because often as women, we discount our feelings as the source of wisdom. And it really is because our body is telling us what is going on. And we can decide that this is a message that we need to pay attention to or we can decide that this is maybe a message that is has been trained to be overly dramatic from when we were little or from back in cave woman days. So we actually do have all of the resources that we need to stand strong. So just to refer back to our two lovely listeners who shared their thoughts, I would say that if you're afraid that someone is going to yell at you, just remind yourself that you are being reasonable. And what is a reasonable expectation that adults can have of each other. It's a reasonable expectation that you will be treated with respect. And if somebody falls down on that expectation, that's on them. And just letting ourselves know that it's not our job to correct them, it's not our job to train them, it's just our job to say, that's not okay with me. And just having a little phrase like that's not okay with me is something that you can use to say stand in your strength. Because it's saying so much. It's saying I have standards, I have expectations, I have standard expectations for you. Are you going to step up and reach those? They're not that high, they're just normal. Are you going to reach those? I'm not asking for anything extraordinary here. And if someone chooses not to live in that space, if they want to live at a higher, at a lower resonance, then sort of saying, well, I choose not to be around you. And that can mean doing something like moving jobs. And people might say, well, why should I have to? You don't have to, but you might want to choose to. And also then as you were saying physically that there are ways that we can then choose ways we can choose to sit, ways we can signal with our gorgeous red lipstick and our big kick ass boots and even our boxing gloves on as we're having tea and just constantly be letting the world know, I know my value, I know my strength, I know what I'm doing here. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And I think the big part of it too is just leveraging it out and going for a female, we both have the physical element and the emotional element and it's just being trained in both. They're both a skill set. So for me it's, you know, mostly, you know, people pan in on me and go, okay, it's the physical aspect of it for you. You're so brilliant with the whole like psychological, emotional and just heartfelt advice and information you give and knowledge is just absolutely brilliant. And I want to let you know that you are going to be able to see myself and Gloria teaching on stage later on this year. So just watch out on my Facebook page is probably the best place to look out for information. So it's Judy Mae Murphy. J U D Y M A Y Murphy. So join us there. Also on Instagram, judymaymurphy. We also have new social media, especially for this show where you're going to be able to ask questions publicly and support each other. And that is, Judy Mae is listening. And so that is on Twitter, Facebook and on Instagram and our wonderful producer Elspeth has been setting that up. And we want to hear from you. How would you like this to move forward? What kind of guests would you like? What would you like to hear more of? Because we heard you. You said you all went crazy for Gloria and you wanted her back in studio. And hey, look, here she is back in studio. So, you know, this is your show and I am listening to you and you really are strong. So, Gloria, just a last thought for the ladies before we leave them today. Yeah. Be kick ass. Throw on the boxing gloves, the high heels, the Chanel lipstick, and just give it your best. Oh, fantastic. And we want to see those pictures. We definitely want to see those pictures. Give it your best and feel no guilt about it. Absolutely. Listen, everyone, have an amazing week, an amazing day here on WRS women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. This has been Judy Mae Murphy and joined very ably by the lovely, awesome, kick ass Gloria Garcia. You've been listening to. Judy Mae is listening. This is your show. The show where I listen to you and then together we transform everything. You've got this. You've more than got this. Go make it happen.