In this empowering live episode, Judy Mayer dives deep into the transformative power of self-compassion and intentional life design. She opens by acknowledging a powerful truth that listeners consistently share: discovering they’re not alone in their struggles has given them the strength to reimagine their lives. Judy emphasizes that transformation doesn’t require perfect circumstances—it starts with replacing your inner critic with an inner cheerleader and speaking to yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend.
The episode explores the critical importance of creating space for dreaming and goal-setting, even when life feels overwhelming. Judy shares practical wisdom about recognizing what isn’t working in your life—whether it’s uncomfortable boots or unfulfilling relationships—and using that knowledge to clarify what you actually want. She challenges women to stop seeking permission from others to prioritize their own happiness, arguing that making your life the best it can possibly be is your number one responsibility. Through relatable examples and honest talk about communication, boundaries, and difficult decisions, Judy guides listeners toward a radical reset: keeping what serves them and fearlessly changing what doesn’t.
Main Topics
Replace your inner critic with an inner cheerleader by speaking to yourself with kindness and encouragement rather than constant judgment
Schedule dedicated time for yourself to dream and design your goals—no one will give you this time, you must claim it
Use what isn't working in your life as valuable information to clarify what you actually want and need
Communication is the first step in addressing problems with partners, colleagues, or situations; be honest about how things make you feel
Recognize when a change needs to be made and be willing to make it, even if it's uncomfortable or difficult
Stop seeking permission or approval from others to prioritize your own happiness and life satisfaction
Understand that personal growth and transformation often requires discomfort and letting go of what no longer serves you
Full TranscriptWelcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life, and I listen, and t...▼
Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life, and I listen, and together we transform everything. Hello. Another bright Monday at noon live recording here in our studios in Covent Garden. And we have a really interesting show today because today it's just you and me. We're gonna get stuff really, really sorted. The interesting thing about whenever you send me in your messages or when I meet people out and about and they talk about the show, that there's one thing that people keep saying is that they thought that they were going crazy. They thought that they were really alone in whatever it is that wasn't feeling good. And even just understanding that a lot of other women are going through the same thing gave them the strength to just look at things differently, just open things up in a slightly different way, allowing that space to really say, well, what can I do? How can I transform things here? What is it I can make happen, not just today, not just this week, but in this lifetime? And that's what we're going to be doing today, is we're going to be going deep on what are some of the things that we can all do immediately, irrespective of time? Challenges you might have, financial challenges you might have. What is it that everybody can do? And the first thing that you can do is give yourself a break, girl. Seriously. Oh, my goodness. Don't we speak to ourselves in ways that we would never dream of speaking to another person? And it's ongoing. It's like that constant little critic, that constant little elf in our head, a bad elf with a groan on its face or a grimace on its face, just sort of saying, oh, wasn't good enough. Oh, that wasn't on time. Oh, aren't you supposed to be doing this? Oh, really? How many years are you behind on your goals? That little elf inside your brain needs to go. It needs to be thanked for its vigilance. It needs to be thanked for keeping an eye on you and keeping your standards high. And then you need to say, right, let's bring on someone else. Let's have another little voice going on in our heads. Let's have the voice of the cheerleader happening. Let's have it that you are saying to yourself every day, ah, you know what? That could be better. But that was great that you did it. At least you did it. Now let's try it again. What did you learn from that? How can we move forward when we start to speak to ourselves with kindness? And it sounds like such a woo, woo, thing, doesn't it? It sounds sort of like, oh, yeah, I know all that. Yeah, I've got to do self care. Yeah. I've got to speak to myself nicely. Yeah. I've got to make sure I wake up early in the morning and then I've got to make sure that I do this and that. And we can kind of blind ourselves to the. That we get from these things when we really imply them, incorporate them into our lives. So applying something like an idea of, how am I speaking to myself just over one day can utterly transform the way that you feel about your life. And if you're feeling more kindly toward yourself and towards your life, you can start to dream a little bit more. Many people say to me, I just don't know what my dreams are. I don't know what my goal is. And this is because they haven't had that space. The brain has been taken up with just getting on with things, with just coping. Maybe coping with a difficult partner or a difficult situation at home. Perhaps for you, it's been coping with a particularly tough time at work or maybe even, you know, getting a degree or something like that. And you find that you just haven't had the space to dream. And this can be scheduled. And very often the reason that people get such great results, when they go on retreats, when they go away for a weekend or a week and they go to a seminar or something, and they just create some space for themselves, it can be transformative just because of the focus that you have, irrespective of what people like me are saying up on the stage. So let's do that. Let's schedule a time where you can take that time for yourself, and you will have to take that time because no one will give it to you. You won't be in a situation where people will be saying, oh, mom, or hey, sis, you look a little bit tired. Why don't you take a couple of hours in a lovely lobby of a hotel and have a cup of tea and take out a notebook and just design your goals. I don't know of any families that said that to a woman ever. So let's just take that time for ourselves and go and find that beautiful place and sit there. And even if for you, it is, if you're saying to me, jeanne Mae, I've got like, you know, three young children under seven, there's no way that's going to happen. Well, you know what? As they fall asleep, as they, you know, even if you can't creep out of the room, Quite yet, because you might wake one of them. Take that, say, right, this is the time where I just reimagine everything. This is the time where I just say to myself, everything is still to play for. Everything is still possible. Because it starts to feel kind of heavy, doesn't it? It starts to feel like we've kind of created something that is sort of like what we wanted, but it's not exactly what we wanted. And there's this bit doesn't feel good, and we have to compromise in this area and we're way behind on this. And then it starts to feel like not the dream, rather than it being always, always some kind of stepping stone to the dream. And if you're saying to me right now, but Judy May, nothing in my life is the way that I want it, well, you know what? You're right. And it can still be changed. And knowing that knowing what it isn't is a part of knowing what it is. Sometimes you have to get the thing that you thought you wanted and realize that this isn't it in order to be able to reevaluate and to go for the thing that is really right for you. A really simplistic example of that would be something like, you know, I remember buying this really expensive pair of boots once. Like, super high heels on them. I forget exact. I think they were Prada. They were either Prada or Chanel. I can remember where I bought them. So they were, like, super fancy. And I was so happy with them for a day. And then within that day, I actually wore them for more than 10 minutes and did more than just take photographs of them. And what I discovered was they were really uncomfortable and they didn't allow me to. Just the way that my legs are, I just couldn't straighten my knees properly in them. And so I just looked a little bit awkward. I looked like a little girl who just borrowed her mom's boots. And so they were not ideal. They were, like, about a grand and a half's worth of not ideal. And that's a very simplistic example. But. And at least I was only in it for a grand and a half. I wasn't in it for 10 years, as sometimes we are with some choices that we've made. But the thing was that that enabled me to see that, oh, okay. I still. What I liked about them was that they were really high quality. What I liked about them was they went over the knee. What I didn't like was the heel. And I immediately went out and got myself a pair that Were lower, a lower heel, still really high quality, more what I wanted. But the point I'm making here isn't boots. Believe it or not, the point I'm making here, hey, let's make that a point too, shall we? Yes, wear awesome boots. That's point number one. Point number two then is use what isn't working as a way for you to be able to decide what is it that I want instead? What is it about this that isn't working? What would feel even better to me, and sometimes it'll just be about upgrading or when it's to do with situations with other people, it's to do with communicating. So let's imagine that you're in a situation where you have a partner and you don't like the fact that the partner, when they get tired, they just don't speak to you and you feel completely cut out. Maybe they don't realize that that's it. Maybe they're just not seeing it. They sort of think, well, they're getting on with their thing and I'm getting on with my thing of being tired or my thing of being busy and it's okay. And you just saying, you know what, when you do that, this is how I feel. And it could be something as simple as that, like we don't have to return our partner to the shop and demand our money back. We can actually do it, first of all by communication. However, it does reach a stage where if it, if that's not working, you have to try something else. And sometimes that might mean a more serious kind of discussion, sometimes it might mean changing your circumstances with that person. But first of all, you got to earn your way out. You've got to work out, you know, is this something that I can change? Is this changeable? And also is that change sustainable? Because sometimes, as we know, let's suppose that you have an employee and you say, listen, you really need to start being on time here, you really need to start returning those calls on time. You really need to start doing whatever it is that you want your employee to do on a consistent basis what it was that you hired them for. And perhaps whatever it was that they were doing initially, but then you find that it's kind of slipped away and you can explain that to them, you know what, this is what I really need you to do. And that person, if it's not the right job for them, if it's not the right place for them, they might be able to be on so called best behavior for another couple of days. They might be able to be on time, but it was really effortful. They might be able to fake being interested in the customers, but after a while, it's going to become clear to them and to you that this isn't the right place for them. This isn't their dream come true. And at that stage, then it's time to have that conversation. Anytime I've had to let a staff member go, or anytime I've had to get out of a relationship, it's been kind of a beautiful experience because it's just been very, very honest and sort of saying, you know what? This just doesn't seem like it's the right thing for you right now. Now, I know that it's not possible with everybody, and I have had some situations where people have just responded with anger. But you have to realize that you making your life the best it can possibly be is pretty much your number one job. That is your responsibility. Because without doing that, nothing else works. And as women, we so often think that we make everybody else happy, then we'll be permitted to stay, then we'll have some sort of status. Then we'll be able to say to people, you know, oh, but I've done this for you. You need to do this for me. Or we can sit there in our martyrdom and feel like we're terribly superior because we have managed to be the best person in the room, the most giving, the most selfless, the most loving. And that's not loving at all. And it's certainly not your dream. So let's make a decision right now that what we're going to do is we are going to, no matter what's been going on up until now, no matter where you're at, the good things and the bad things all mixed together, that you're going to just do a reset on your life, that you're going to say, you know what? I'm going to take all the good stuff, everything I've learned, everything that I've decided, all the people that I feel supported by, all the things that I love doing, all the things I love about my life, I'm going to bring those forward. I'm going to make those even better. And then the things that aren't working, I'm going to radically change them. No matter what it takes. No matter what it takes. And very often what it takes is us growing and learning and dealing with the tough stuff and being uncomfortable for a while. You know, if you want to get on a new horse, first of all, you got to get off the Old horse. You know, I have a couple of friends who are stunt riders in the movies and they can do that. They've trained specially how to go from one horse to another without going on the ground. But the rest of us mortals, we've got to have a time where it's going to feel less than, we're going to feel less elevated, we're going to feel less supported, we're going to feel like it's really not working and we've got to just be courageous during those times. And many of you are probably going through those times right now and saying, this is a necessary part of me making my life even better and sticking with that, making sure that you don't end up just sort of sitting on the ground going, so where's this new horse that they promised me? So we're going to be looking at things like money, we're going to be looking at health, we're going to be looking at relationships, all those over the next hour and we're really going to be dealing with those things that you've told me are really, really important to you. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women Worldwide. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to. Judy Mae is listening. Hello, this is, this is Anna Kennedy at Women's Radio Station Live, Voice of women worldwide talking about all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. I'm Saskia at Sable Forex and we specialise in saving individuals and companies money on their international money transfers or foreign exchange. So in monies crossing currencies, whether it's euros to yen or rands to pounds, that's where we can add value. So for all your foreign exchange needs, I'm Saskia at Sable. You can contact me on Saskia Johnston sableinternational.com or. My number is 0207-759-7541. Hi, I'm Helen Prosper. I'm a health coach and I support people to take back control of their health so that they feel radiantly well and vibrantly alive. Because it's from that place of health that we really can do more, be more, give more, play more and co create a better world. If living your life to the full is of interest to you, then take a look at my website, livewellandprosper.uk and let's speak soon. Do you need mediation. We are the A Project charity. We provide conflict resolution and community engagement services. Our services include community mediation for neighbour disputes, family mediation for separating couples, special education needs for parents, carers and their children, and young adults, as well as workplace mediation and restorative services. To find out more, head to womensradiostation.com or theaproject.co.uk. women's radio station can give a voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsors opportunities including individual programs, we can tailor your experience to you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, head of business development at women's radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way to of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 07-956-37-1483 or alternately zmomeomensradiostation.com. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. This is Judy Mae Murphy coming to you live on WRS women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. And this hour we're just doing a whole kind of mix, a big casserole, if you like, of everything that is going to lead toward you having the best possible experience on this planet. No matter where you're coming from, no matter where you're at today, no matter where it is that you've decided that you want to go and if you're still maybe deciding that you want to get there. A lot of you were talking about this show that we had last month with Lana Citroen. Remember Lana, just beautiful, gorgeous person who I've known for a very long time. And Lana is the author of Edible Plan Pleasures. And Lana is someone who is really, really good at just really getting in contact with. How are things in a sensory way? Like what is it that you're seeing? What is it that you're smelling, what is it that you're tasting, what is it that you're touching? She's very in touch with all of her senses. And this is something that I find that as women we kind of neglect this as a way into our dream. We're often trying to just do it from a headspace so we kind of withdraw back into our heads. And I've got my hand up here I am the absolute queen of just escaping into her head. And you know, I'll happily hang out with authors who died hundreds of years ago and not even live on this plane. And then I've got to get back into the real world, into the world that we all inhabit today. And the way that I have learned how to do this is through really paying attention to the quality of things around me. And sometimes people think that that's something that you put in place later on, that's something for when the dream comes true. So when I have people for a one on one day, like a VIP day, and we're spending the whole day together, we're in a gorgeous location and we're finding out exactly what it is that they need to make happen. And often we'll do a thing, an exercise called Ideal day. And in that they will describe what is their absolute ideal day. A day that's a mixture of working and hanging out with people that they love and adventure and being in a of the world that they would like to be living in, at least as one of their locations. And every single time when a woman tells me about her ideal day and I get them to go into a lot of detail, they will describe an incredible breakfast. And that breakfast will have star fruit and it will have raspberries, and it will have blueberries and all these delicious things. And it will have a beautiful cup of tea or coffee. And the smell, the aroma will just be gorgeous. And they'll be able to hear the sea and they'll be lovely seagulls overhead that they can hear but can't quite see. And they will go into this incredible detail about their ideal breakfast. We'll go right through the ideal day like that. And then the next thing that we'll do is we will go through everything in your ideal day that you could actually have right now, right now. So even if someone has just spent their last dime, come in and being coached with me, they can still the next day go and get a punnet of raspberries and sit there and find the nicest plate in their house and then put on YouTube and find a piece of background that is just maybe some classical music and maybe has some seagulls in it and the sound of the sea and you can actually create that for yourself. And what that does is it makes you feel better in the moment and it also makes you more excited about other possibilities. A lot of the time we're not sort of priming the well here. A lot of the time we're running on empty and we don't have enough juice, we don't have enough excitement, we don't have enough sensory experience to get us to really get excited about making things happen. We sort of just become content with not being in trouble or things not being too heavy or things not being too difficult, but just something really different. A lot of people don't experience that till they go off on holiday. They go off on their vacation and they're like, oh yeah, you know what? I really want to leave my job. Well, you know what, you had that job for the entire year before you went on holiday. Why does that thought come up now? Because you're allowing yourself to raise your standard around what it is that you feel. And so what I'd like to do is I would like to. It's not even a challenge. Usually I'd say I'd like to challenge you to do this, but it's not a challenge. It's a really fun thing I'd like you to design. What are the things that you can make happen right now that would be ideal. And very often it's something as simple as going through your bag, going through your desk and getting rid of all the pens that don't work. Yes, I know. I'm talking about transforming your life by going through and sorting out pens. Yes. But this is the way that it works. Life is very, very practical. So if you just go through and you sort out, well, these ones don't work, so they have to go. And these ones, they work fine but they're not very pretty. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to just put, put those in a bag and I'm going to give those to a charity. My niece, when she was seven years old came into my bedroom one Christmas. We were all staying in what was my parents house back then. And she said, Auntie Judy May, I'm going to Auntie Judy May, I'm going to buy a baby. And I was just like, oh, that's brilliant honey, how are you going to buy a baby? And why. And she said, oh, you know, like on the tv. Now what she was talking about was she'd been really inspired by those commercials on TV for sponsoring a child. And in her brain this was buying a baby. And so she was asking me for whatever it was per month, she was asking me for $7.99 so she could buy a baby. Absolutely adorable. And I wasn't going to let that feeling go, that really good thing that's still there in my niece. I wasn't going to let it go. And I said to her, honey, did you know that it's sponsoring a child? Explained it to her and this is how it works. And so I said to her, so why don't you go away and think about something else that you could do that would help children who don't have all the privileges that you have. So she went away and she came back and she said, well, this is what I thought that I'm going to do. And again, this is beautiful seven year old logic. What I'm going to do is I'm going to send you there so you can teach them. And I was just like, oh, sweetheart, that is a great idea. And you know what? I used to do that. I think she was maybe remembering a story I told her about me living in Kathmandu and teaching up in the Himalayas. And so I sort of explained that I was about to go on a book tour in America and it probably wasn't the best time to be sending your auntie overseas to do this work. And so what we came up with in the end was that she was going to collect pens and that I was going to send them to the school that I used to teach at. And it was a really wonderful idea because we don't think about these things when we have grown up with privilege. And often we don't think of it as privilege. We think, oh, in my school we had to share textbooks. And we don't think about the fact that they didn't have textbooks. They didn't even have a pen. Sometimes someone would be waiting because three other people had to go before them to do the writing exercise because there was only one pen between four of them. So it was absolutely wonderful to watch her do this. I helped her come up with ideas. And we went all around the neighborhood and she went and just asked banks. And it was so cool because we went into a bank, our local bank, they gave us about 10 pens and then we went into the local surgery and they had loads of pens that were from drug companies. And so we pretty much had about 50 pens just by going along this little group of shops along the Merrion Road in Dublin. And then we decided the next day we were out and about in town and we decided to go into another place. And this is a thing I really love the fact that she had really learned how to do it. The first bank we went into, she couldn't even really explain what we were doing so I had to jump in and help her. By the time it was the last shop of that day, you know, a good 20 minutes later, she was able to say it. By the next day we went into a different bank and she said, she mentioned the name of the bank that we were in yesterday and she said such and such a bank gave us 10 pens. And it was just brilliant because they said, well, we'll have to beat that, won't we? And they would go away and they came back with a huge big box of pension. Anyway, long story short, we managed to send all these pens off to the school that I used to teach at and it made a huge, huge difference. So things may seem tiny, but they don't have to be. It really, it isn't the thing itself, it's what we do with it. And that's the same, say for anything some people are saying. Judy May, is this good or bad? Nothing's really good or bad. It's what you make of it. Same with situations, same with something as simple as a croissant. So if you have a croissant you say, well, this is bad because it's not healthy. Well, it's not ideal to be eating that every day to make that the thing that you're craving. It's much better if you've got some vegetables on board, some green juice. I often have broccoli and hummus in the morning and that's a better choice for your body. However, I'm not going to sit outside in a cafe in Paris with a friend having a wonderful catch up and ask them, do they have broccoli? That is the time for the croissant, right, so we can get in there and we can design things. Anyway, let's get back to us sorting it through our bag and just sorting out the pens. But the point is to raise the standard. So already we've raised the standard because we've moved along the stuff that isn't working for us or for anybody. We've also decided that we can contribute, that there's a better place that these ugly pens can go to people who don't care what it looks like. But we're in a position now where, where we're going to be next, leveling it ourselves. So we can just say, right, let's just keep the most beautiful stuff around. So that for me, when I'm journaling and I'm looking at a really elegant, beautiful pen, for me it's often like a vintage fountain pen or the other day I had left my pen Bag behind? Yes, I have a pen bag. And I'd left it behind and I was in the Beaumont Hotel and I asked, oh, can I borrow a pen? And I just knew because of the place I was in, it's a lovely place, that they would have a lovely pen. But it didn't write very nicely for some reason. It was a kind of a dud one and it didn't write very well. And just I'm so used to knowing what the standard is that I turned around, I said, this isn't writing terribly well. And he was like, I'm so sorry, and immediately got me a pen that wrote even better. So, again, it's about the standard. It's not about the thing, it's not about pens per se, it's about what is your thinking, how are you using the things that are available to you, how are you deciding that it's time to upgrade? And really, those teeny, tiny upgrades, when we make those, when we start, you know, getting that nicer toothbrush, for example, just every time you use that toothbrush, you're reminded of where it is that you're going to. Whereas it's very, very obvious when we downgrade that. And we do it often in the name of, say, saving money rather than upgrading, which then gets us excited, which enables us to make more money. So are you kind of restricting or are you expanding now? I'm not talking about going crazy, I'm not talking about suddenly going out and buying something that you can't afford or getting into debt, but I am talking about getting excited here, saying to yourself, these things are available. I'm going to start asking around, I'm going to start looking around and I'm really going to start to raise my standard here and really be interactive with my own existence. More after this. Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalised service. This happens from the moment that they enquire till they come back. Head I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078254-4122 and Liz spelt L I S at hazazelmaretravel.co.uk I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity, helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk Women's radio station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostn or Facebook Women's Radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting news. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, head of Business development at Women's Radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way to of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomewomensradiostation.com. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen. And together we transform everything. And we are indeed transforming everything. Here on Judy Mae is listening live on women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. And what we've spoken about already is the idea of just taking that time and space for yourself in order to just say, yeah, you know what? I am worthy of living the best possible life and it can be done and it's me that needs to do it. And also we've spoken about taking those little baby steps. What are those tiny things that you can do right now that will start to transform your everything? Even though it's like all I've done is transform my breakfast plate, you haven't you've actually transformed what your body is doing. You've also transformed your brain, your mindset, your chemical balances, imbalances, whatever fun stuff is going on there, just by bringing that standard higher. So the next thing that we need to look at is what happens when you start to then go out and interact with the world. A lot of times women have really great ideas and really great products and really great ways of showing up, but they inadvertently train people to treat them in a way that isn't working for their life. So what might be an example of that? Let's imagine quite an extreme version. To start with, let's imagine someone who is just a complete people pleaser, someone who believes that the only way they're going to be safe in this life is if they make everybody else happy all the time. And they don't realize that they're coming across as quite sycophantic, that they're coming across as quite fake. They're coming across as someone who doesn't have their own personality, someone who's just there to be in service to others. And that as an element of someone, is a gorgeous thing, but that as the totality that doesn't exist. We are all made up of different aspects and we have to honor all those different aspects of ourselves. So becoming overly strong in one aspect. So there are some women who become overly dominant and pushy, some women who become overly controlling, some women who become overly lovely, some women who become overly like you choose your one, you know what it is already. And the problem with that is when we start to train people that that's who we are, then that's all. That's all we're going to get. So if you're out there training people with your temper that you are someone who's not to be messed with, everybody gets that. Everybody gets that you're not to be messed with. Everybody gets that you're in control and that they need to leave you to make the decisions and leave you to do your. That's great. But then the downside of that is they're also just plain leaving you. They just don't want to be around that all the time. They just kind of feel this pushback. It feels like a violence to them often, even though you might not intend it in that way. And so playing that strong suit all the time is training people to be wary of you. And then you can't understand why can't you get people to stay in your company? Why can't you get people to come around for Sunday dinner with you. And it really is because you've trained them to fear you. Let's go back to our example of a woman who is, you know, overly lovely, who's just leading with lovely all the time, and she's training people that, you know what you can do whatever you want. You can have your experience and you can just use me and it won't matter. And that's when you turn into a doormat. But you have trained people that you will do that. And often you've done it unconsciously. So it might be something like a friend says, where do you want to go for lunch? And you always say, oh, I don't mind. Whereas you really do have a preference. So they suddenly think of you as someone who doesn't have a preference. A, you're suddenly less interesting to them because they can't see inside your rich inner landscape because the only bit that you're offering them is a bit that isn't even true. A bit that says, I don't mind. Now, it might be an aspect of you. Yeah, you know what? You're not the kind of person who's going to make a huge fuss if you don't get to end up eating. However, there are other aspects to you. There's the aspect of you that would just love Thai food. So these days, if someone says, where would you like to eat? I'm like, thai food is my favorite. But if you have other suggestions, I'm open to hear them. Right. So we can do that. We can let people know that we are the thing that we like about ourselves and we're other things too. So let's imagine that you are someone who's really in control. You might say, you know what? I really want to take charge of this project, or I really want to have final say on every aspect of this project. But I'm also open to hearing your ideas and I absolutely will entertain those ideas. And if you feel that I'm making a mistake, if you can just let me know in an email, that's the best way to communicate it with me. And I will do my absolute best to make sure that I'm not micromanaging here. Right. So letting people know that you're more than just that thing that you've been leading with. Often we're not even clear what it is that we've been leading with. We think that people are guessing at the awesomeness inside us. There's one particular client of mine who has just transformed over the last six months and she didn't realize that the way she was coming across was of some as someone very, very dull, someone who had no ideas, someone who had no dreams. The thing was that when she was little, her mom used to criticize everything that came out of her mouth. So everything she did, everything she said, just her very being was kind of told that she was shamed around it. She was told that this is wrong, this is not an okay way to be. And so she learned how to keep it all inside. And now that she realizes she's not around her mom anymore, she's created boundaries and she's able to be around healthier people. And so now what she can do is she can make choices for herself about what aspects of the lovely stuff that's going on inside her, she can start to share with others and learning that it's safe to do so. And for you, it can be something like that. You haven't felt that it's safe to be sexy and sensuous. Maybe something happened in your childhood that taught you that. That, you know, being in any way, even playful and feminine, led to it being read as some kind of a social, a sexual signal. And maybe for you it was that you were culturally trained, maybe you were very academic, and you were taught that women who led with their physical attractiveness that they weren't worthy. And the only thing that was worthy was head smarts, right? So if that's where you came from, you might have completely just closed down that part of you, seen it as something that you don't get to experience or something that's just not you, and just sort of laughed it off. And then if you do get the experience to do that, like, you actually would find that you'd be quite delighted. It would feel a little odd at first, but then that can become a part of you as well. I remember there was an ex boyfriend of mine, and he was really stumped for what to buy for his sister for Christmas. And this sister was very plain. She had a very plain haircut. She didn't really pay any attention to her body. She never wore makeup. She was just all about serving others. She was a nurse. And I said, why don't we buy her just some simple eyeliner and a really, really great red lipstick. She's got very dark hair. A red lipstick would go great on her. And he said, oh, no, that's not her. And my reply was, well, that's not her now, but you know what? Let's just see what happens. And so we bought her a little gift that was more something that she would traditionally get from people. And then we also just put in this eyeliner and a really red lipstick. And my goodness, I'd never seen her before giggle over something. And just an aspect of her came alive that none of us had ever seen. And she put on that lipstick and then she started to wear makeup and it kind of opened it up. So what for you is an aspect that you have put away? Maybe it's that you feel you're not this. We often make statements. I'm not. I'm not organized. I'm not a money person. I'm, you know, I've always been big. I don't like being on my own. Let's just look at that statement and say, right, well, that then is the thing that's really calling out to be explored, you know, because for me, having to be quite strict with people, having to let staff members know when they hadn't delivered, that was a huge learning curve for me. Often early on, like, I remember the first people that I hired, they would go home and I'd be disappointed with what they'd done, and I would spend the whole evening fixing it. And then they'd come in the next day and I'd say, oh, I just made some tweaks. But I would never retrain them. I just really had a problem with thinking that I had the authority to tell people what to do. And now these days, I have no problem taking command, taking control, knowing when is the time to take control and knowing when it's really not time for that. You know, maybe if you're in a romantic situation, it's not time to kind of go, okay, here's what I want, stat, front and center. Or maybe it is, I don't know. I don't know what that part of your life is like. But we have to look at the fact that there are these gorgeous other aspects to our personalities and to our characters that we can start to explore. What's the difference between personality and character? So personality is kind of like how you're showing up, your preferences, your tone of voice, just your way. What is it that people can expect? And that can often be just to do with the day to day way that you're showing up. Character is something a little deeper. Character is about your values. Character is really the thing that shows up when things get difficult, when there are more difficult decisions to be made. Character is the thing that underlies your personality. So you can have a very sunny personality, but your character might be that you are a very honorable person. So that at the End of the day, when you have a choice, okay, here, am I going to be lightweight about it or am I going to brush that off? Or am I going to really say, hey, that's not okay, because this is a really important thing in life. Your character is the thing that's going to win out. And if you feel that it's important to, well, for example, to, you know, really basic stuff in my mind, to not be racist, not be homophobic, not be misogynistic, all those things that if you are around people that are discussing things in a certain way, that just doesn't sit with your character. You just with your value system and then you say to yourself, you know what? This isn't sitting right with me. If you're someone who just leads with the personality, you'd be more likely to kind of just go, oh, haha. And just say, oh, it doesn't matter, they're just being them. But if you're someone who's been led by character, being led by your own values, then you'll say something like, you know what? Those are statements I cannot get behind. Do not make those statements around me. Here's why. I believe them to be wrong. And something as core as just knowing what are your values and what is it that you're here for, what is it that you stand for can really help when it comes to you deciding, well, how is it that I'm going to train people how to treat me? How is it that at the end of the day, what is it that I want to stand for? What is it important for me that people know about me? Because I bet you that a lot of those things that are really important to you about you are not even known to other people because you've just been pretzeling yourself in order to make other people happy or in order to just get through in the way that you did before. More after this. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Judy Mae is listening. Hello, this is Anna Kennedy at women's radio station live, voice of women worldwide talking about all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. I'm Saskia at Sable Forex and we specialise in saving individuals and companies money on their international money transfers or foreign exchange. So when money's crossing currencies, whether it's euros to yen or rands to pounds. That's where we can add value. So for all your foreign exchange needs, I'm Saskia at Sable. You can contact me on Saskia Johnston@sableinternational.com or my number is 0207-759-7541. Hi, I'm Helen Prosper. I'm a health coach and I support people to take back control of their health so they feel radiantly well and vibrantly alive. Because it's from that place of health that we really can do more, be more, give more, play more and co create a better world. If living your life to the full is of interest to you, then take a look at my website livewellandprosper.uk and let's speak soon. Do you need mediation? We are the A Project charity. We provide convict resolution and community engagement services. Our services include community mediation for neighbour disputes, family mediation for separating couples, special education needs for parents, carers and their children, and young adults, as well as workplace mediation and restorative services. To find out more, head to womensradiostation.com or theaproject.co.uk women's radio station can give a voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience to you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, head of Business development at women's radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomeomensradiostation.com. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. And that's exactly what we're doing today. We are transforming everything. This is Judy Mae Murphy. You're here on wrs, the voice of women worldwide and what we're doing every few weeks, what we're going to do is have a show without guests so that I can really address a lot of the messages that you've been sending me that haven't got picked up in our more formal way of doing things. As you know, normally I pick A couple of questions, a couple of emails from people, and we deal with them in depth with our guest. And what I found, though, is that there are some things that don't really fit what it is that we're talking about, but they fit this more general way of looking at life that we're talking about today. So already we've spoken about taking the time to design the life that you deserve, realizing that no matter what time of day or what time of your life, it is, that it is not too late, that you have plenty of time. No matter what mistakes you've made, no matter how many times you've had to start again, you can always take that fresh start, that new breath, and just say, right, and here we go, and you are getting to that ultimate place. What really breaks my heart is when people really downsize their dreams and they say, well, you know what? I did want this, but now I want this. I did want to be an actor, but now I'm happy just teaching drama. Or I did want to be a drama teacher, but you know what? Now I'm happy teaching English, and I did want to. And people are just downgrading their dreams all over the place. Super. Not necessary. Let's just get back on board with saying, yeah, you know what? This is my job. I am here to make my dreams come true. And first of all, we're about having those amazing dreams. We've been talking about making space for designing that, and then we've been talking about those easy first steps. What are those baby steps that we can take and that we can continue to take consistently every single day, that we can just surround ourselves with gorgeousness, that we can really inspire ourselves. Why is it that people love those Netflix shows like Queer Eye and Tidying up with Marie Kondo? And why is it that people like makeover shows? It's because it's reminding us of that, reminding us that, you know what, no matter what was happening before, things can be very different moving forward. Things can be even better. And we can take all the good stuff with us, and we can transform the stuff that needs to be transformed, and things can be radically different. This is the thing that my job as a motivational speaker, and I'm called a super coach, so basically, I coach a lot of the other motivational speakers, and I also coach a lot of very, very successful individuals who are doing very big worldwide people who would be household names to you. Of course, I'd never name a name, but a lot of those people, when they come to me, they sort of think that things can be made a little bit better. And then when they get on board with this idea of you know what, in fact, things can be radically different. Whether that is someone who has gotten to the absolute top of the ladder in one career, and then they want to do something completely different. And they're afraid of being ridiculed, they're afraid. Afraid of getting it wrong. They're afraid of being ignored. Or whether that is something as simple as someone who comes to me, who's really starting out in the world. Because I don't just have the superstar clients. I also have clients who are people who are just. Just like you, just whoever's listening. Like, people who are just sort of saying, I know that there's more, and I want that more, and please, can you help me? And the thing is that we often aren't getting excited enough because we're thinking that the only sort of change has to necessarily be so slow, has to necessarily be just pretty much just rearranging deck chairs like that. It isn't something that can be really, really big and exciting. But, in fact, I've had clients who have gone from. I'm thinking about one client in particular who I just adore. And I still am in contact with her every now and then. And when she came to meet me, she came up on stage once. I was speaking in Norway, and I talk a lot in the Scandinavian countries, and she came and she. I was doing an exercise. I thought it was complete mayhem. There was like 2,000 people in the audience, and I was closing out the entire event. There had been sort of five or six speakers. It was like, myself and T. Harve Eker and John Gray, and we'd been having a party for the whole week. And I was asked to give it a big old finish. And that's kind of like one of my fortes. That's one of my things that I do from the stage. And so I had everybody. I had everybody dancing in a way that they have never danced before. So if they usually dance in a confident way, they had to dance. Dance in a more. In a way that was something like considerate or respectful or. Anyway, everyone was doing this. All this crazy stuff, and I said to them, be wherever you need to be. And a woman just came and she walked up on the stage and she stood right beside me. She absolutely. As I wanted her to, she took me literally. And she stood right beside me and held my hand. And she was crying. There's tears rolling down her face. I thought, oh, gosh, okay. There's a conversation needs to be had and on a letter. I actually finished up the entire event holding this woman's hand on the stage. And immediately afterwards I walked off the stage with her. We went backstage, I went, honey, what's going on? And pretty much her whole life had fallen apart. She had been going out with this guy, he had just broken up with her. She had thought that she was going to marry this guy. She really, really wanted kids, she was working a job that she really didn't like. They had just demoted her, they brought in someone above her. So she got an automatic demotion. Just everything that you can think of her family life back in her country of origin, everything had just completely fallen apart. Within two years she was married to that same guy and has been happily married to him ever since. He's a great guy. She is now. Not only does she own this enormous company and runs it herself and she has loads and loads of employees, a lot of young people work for her, but she also has this incredible project going on which over the weeks, in fact, I'm going to ask her to. Can I share it with you? Because it is, you know what, Actually I know she's coming to London in May. I'm going to have her in studio and she's going to tell some more detail about exactly how she did it. But right now I just want to excite you about what's possible for you. And she's not by any means unusual in this. This is just. But for her it was like every single aspect of her life was radically transformed. And within that couple of years she also then had, so as I said, yeah, two kids, the husband, the. I think it was like one kid and one on the way. I think that's what she'd done within the two year mark, married to this lovely guy. Her big business, her side thing, her thing that she will tell you about. I don't have her permission to tell you about it, but she will tell you about it that is really growing really, really big. And already she's gotten huge media attention in Norway about it and a whole bunch of other things. Just, she just absolutely has just came alive. Within those two years, things were just about as different as they could be. And so I really want you to know that, that it doesn't take forever, that if you're fearful right now because say you've just lost a job, a month from now you can have a job that will just be making your head spin that you could be so excited about that you will just Be thinking to yourself, oh, my goodness. And a month ago, I didn't even know it was going to be this incredible. I would have taken bets on something quite nice happening, but I wouldn't have taken bets on something that extraordinary and life changing happening. And this is something that I see again and again and again. So I want you to get excited for that and the way that we can stay excited for it. Because it's pretty easy to get excited. Like if you are, you know, in a room full of people and someone like me is sort of saying, guys, this does happen, then it's easy to get excited in that moment. How do we sustain that? And the way that we sustain it is by having mini adventures. Sorry guys, one second. That's me getting way too excited. Having these mini adventures, having just every single day ways that you can just wake yourself up to what's incredible. And a way that I have my clients do it is I get them to do one thing a day, not that scares them. I know that there's that, that wisdom out there saying, do one thing a day that scares you, but really the body doesn't like being scared. So instead, do one thing a day that excites you ridiculously and let go of any idea that you need to get a result from it. So I have a client who in the States, and the thing that would really excite her would be to be working with Oprah. So she's a coach. And what she did from day one is that she decided that she was going to phone Harpa, which is Oprah's company, and she just did that. And she said something like, I just want to find out how would I pitch an idea to O magazine. Or she just find an excuse to phone up Harpo. And she would get an answer. But the fact that she was talking to someone who worked in the environment, who was just down the corridor from Oprah, would completely change how she would do that day. Completely change how she'd do it. I have another client who the way that she gets excited is to get physically excited. So every single day she tries to work out in a new way. So whether it's going snowboarding on a dry slope or doing a Pilates class, or doing some kind of movement that she hasn't done before, or even finding something on YouTube and kind of going, wow, how would I do that? And so when she gets physically adventurous, then that kind of unlocks and unleashes all these other aspects of adventure in her life. She then automatically starts to get excited about her business starts to get excited about her love life, about her social life. And that's what you got to do, is you've got to get yourself excited in some way every single day. So this idea of transformation can be sustained while you're waiting for the results to show up. Because very often, as we know, we can kind of put ideas out there and we can be approaching people and we can be saying, hey, I'd like to. To do this, and, hey, would you like to do this with me? And. And we can be going to those classes and working out and not seeing any results. But if we can stay knowing that all of this is ahead of you, that the world is exciting, that's where time can then do its job. Because when we're in lag time, if we allow ourselves to just be diligent and just tick the boxes, our brain's going to get bored. And it's going to say, you know, what's the point? You know, the payoff doesn't look like it's going to be big enough to excuse the pain that I'm in right now. And that pain is often boredom. Boredom is anxiety. Anxiety is pain. We know that emotional pain and physical pain reside in some part, in a very similar part of the brain. In fact, the exact same part of the brain. So we are made to get away from things being boring. So, hey, you know what? It doesn't have to be that. You can always find a way to live a really simple adventure. And for me, it can often be something like finding out something weird and unusual around London and just going to that thing, whether that is, you know, a painting that I love or whether it's something like, just down the road here, there's a grill that you can look down into and you can see that they've built a whole street on top of the other street. I think it's Charing. Is it Charing Cross Road or Tottenham Court Road? One of those streets, and you can actually see the old street right underneath it. And just knowing that, knowing the abundance of opportunity and excitement and different things that are going on in your life keeps you involved, keeps you actually out of your head and in the world in a way that supports your dream. So we're going to be back with a guest next week, and this has been me reminding you that you have all the tools for transformation that you need. If there's some way that I can help you, just drop me a line. Just let me know until next week. I am listening. You're here on wrs Women's Radio Station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individual of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalised service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078-254-12112 and Liz spelt L I S hazazelmeretravel.co.uk I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntousous.org.uk Women's radio station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting news. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, Head of Business Development at Women's radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomewomensradiostation.com.
