Judymay Is Listening – Problem Solving And Life Design Show

Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. WRS women's radio station. Supporting women's well being. Supporting your well being. Welcome, welcome. If you've arrived here, there's a reason for it and we're going to take excellent, excellent care of you in the next hour. You can just take a deep breath out and know that whatever it is is going on, it was sent to serve you. And we're going to make sure that you're picking up on those signals that are coming to you from all through your life and using those signals to make your life even better. Not deciding that. Excuse me. Oh my goodness, I've been talking so much this morning. Not deciding that, you know, that there's something wrong with you or that there's something wrong with your life or that there's something wrong with having to clear your throat at the beginning of a radio show. Okay, so today we are going to be doing a massive Q and A. We've been doing pre records for the last couple of weeks. And now that we're back with you, I have asked a ton of questions. So I thought that you and I would just sit here today and go through everything and realizing that even if your challenge that you have in your life isn't exactly the same as the people who have written in, that all problems have certain keys, they have certain ways that our thinking becomes glitchy, certain ways that we process, certain ways that we decide that we're broken, certain learned helplessness that kind of creeps in. And so what we're all about today is clearing the decks of that, getting back into a place where we can be really, really strong and know that no matter what is happening to us right now, our lives can be vastly better, very much more quickly than we might otherwise think. So today the very first question comes in from Mary. She says, not her real name, but Mary's a perfectly good name, too. She says, I don't feel like doing anything these days. I can barely get myself out of bed. Since I went through menopause, this has got worse. And I don't know if that's connected. Well, Mary, as many of you know, I am a coach that's been working for the last 20 years at the very, very top of my game. I have worked worldwide with all kinds of people, people who are just starting out, people who've had an easy time of it, people who've had a rough time of it. People who are later in life and wondering, is there still time to make the dream come true? All kinds of people. And this is something that I meet a lot. So I don't have medical training. So anything that I talk about today that is to do with the body, it not going to be from a point of view of medical advice. I just want to make that really clear. And also, that is just an edit from a much, much bigger email that you sent me. And in it you were talking about, you know, you were wondering, are you depressed? Well, the first thing I do is only put a label on yourself if it's helpful. So if you say to yourself, I think I'm depressed, and then you use that to go to your doctor and say, this is my best guess for what's going on for me, then that label is useful. If that label then takes you to really good and useful books to read, fantastic. Same thing for something like ADHD or something like bipolar or something like introvert or extrovert, the labels are only as useful as we make them. And if instead we feel like, oh, no, I've got this label of depression and therefore there's something really wrong with me, and it means that it's going to take a long time to recover from this. We're using the label against ourselves. The label stops being useful and it starts actually working against us. So it's very important that you have to realize you don't need to label it if you don't want to. And it sounds to me, Mary, as if the label of depression was something that didn't work for you because you felt that that would mean that it would be something that just kind of landed on you and something that you couldn't do. Something lot we can do when we're feeling unmotivated on a regular basis, when we have, like flat emotions, when we're not getting excited, we're not getting the juice out of life, when we're not, as Robert Sapolsky says, when we're not able to enjoy a sunset. That's how he describes depression as the illness that makes you not be able to enjoy beautiful sunsets. So the very first thing we have to look at for any challenge is to say, right, this isn't working for me. I know that there's something else available and I want to move toward that something else. Not saying that it's going to look exactly perfect the first time out, that you're going to change things immediately, but knowing that there are things that you can do. So as those of you who are regular listeners know one of my favorite questions is and what can I do? Because very often we're looking at things like, well, I can't afford to go into therapy, I can't afford medication, or I can't go on medication because I tried that once and it didn't work. And we're looking at what isn't available. What we've already decided isn't the thing right now. And when we keep focusing on that, then we're not going to get anywhere. But all we need to do is just kind of shake it loose because the thing that's happening to you, whatever is happening to you, it's part of a system. There's a whole bunch of things happening together. Things going on inside you and outside of you, things going on just within your control and things that are within other people's control. So the very first thing we have to do is say to ourselves, how can I just change this system a little bit? How can I do something such as, you know, in this case you're saying that you're in bed, you're not getting up. If you say to yourself, well, all I have to do is just get up, go to the kitchen, get a glass of water and then I can take it from there. You'll often find that once you're standing up, things already feel a little bit better. Another thing that from your email you were saying was that you self isolate, that you tend to pull away from other people. So if you have got to your kitchen and you see a really nice note there saying, hey, remember that. And the name of a really good friend always loves to hear from you, give them a quick call. Even if you're just leaving a message. The action of reaching out just reminds your brain that you're not doing this alone, that there are other people out there. And we just build on these things one after another, day by day. So you're standing up, you're drinking water, you're calling a friend, you're maybe getting through to that friend, maybe not, it's okay, we keep going. Then you say to yourself, well, I can't handle having a shower. Okay, what can you do? Can you handle, you know, putting clothes on over your pajamas and going down to the corner shop? Can you handle, you know, taking out a book and reading from it? Can you handle eating an apple? Can you? What can you do? And just reminding yourself that it doesn't have to be from 0 to 100, it doesn't have to be that I don't want to be lying depressed in bed. Instead, I want to be out there moving and shaking and creating this great Instagram style life. It can just be next step and next step and next step. And this is what we do. This is what we do as, you know, as women. This is what we do as humans is we often feel that our job is to just be brilliant or else we've got to go and hide. And that's not the case. Good enough is good enough. So after the ads, we're going to come back and we're going to solve some more problems for you. We're going to talk to some more people. We're going to be sorting out what is it that you can do next. Once you've got yourself through those baby steps, what's next for you? Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's wellbeing. Each show I share the airwaves with ordinary women like me and you, doing extraordinary things. Women who have overcome huge obstacles in their lives, who are now here with me to empower you. On the Radical Wellbeing show, you'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a scene and and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio station, that's womensradio STN or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome back. This is Judy Mae Murphy. You're listening to WRS women's radio station and the reason that we are here is to support women's well being. To support your well being. We're here for you. If Judy Mayes Listening is the only show that you've been listening to up until now, please, please check out some of the other ones. Anna has an incredible autism support group and that is just a phenomenal tribe and you'll find out a lot of things even if there's no one who you know is autistic in your life. It is just the most uplifting, interesting group of people that you could know. Also Hazel's show which is Get Booked and it is phenomenal. All about the new releases and classics and everything that we can out from these incredible sources throughout time. But she's particularly good about the new exciting stuff. She'll check it out for you and then you can know whether it's worth the hype and whether it's something that will aid your well being. So before the ad break we were talking all about the importance of getting moving. Like whether that is that you are stuck to your bed or you are not getting your website done, or you're not getting your product launched, or you're not having that conversation with somebody that you know you need to have. No matter what is going on, it's okay. You're just stopped. We can often feel stuck. We can often feel like there's no way to move forward, whereas in fact, there are several ways to move forward. But our brain is just kind of protecting us by saying, it's not that. Don't go there or don't go there yet. You're not ready. And you got to be able to talk back to your brain and say, yeah, you know what, thanks for checking that out for me. Thanks for noticing that it's not ideal and we're going to be doing this little thing anyway. And then when you get into a groove of that, it becomes easier and easier to do the next thing and the next thing. So you're kind of creating your own feedback loop, your own momentum. So what else could that look like? So let's imagine that you have an idea that it would be impossible to plan, say, a 50th birthday party for a friend. You're like, wow, it'll be just so difficult. Nobody will be free at the same time. So you phone a couple of people and the feedback that you get is, oh, yeah, I'm not available that night. Oh, yeah, I'm not available that night either. But at least then in having the conversation, the idea, the project has become more real. And while you're asking them that question and getting that feedback, if you then say, well, when would be good? And then they could both say, you know what? Sunday afternoon is good for me. Yeah, you know what? Sunday afternoon is good for me. Suddenly it's now got legs. When something is sitting in your head, when you're not physically moving on it, you're not having a conversation, you're not actively moving across the room to pick something up, if there's no feeling physical action going on, even if that physical action is something like breathing more deeply, you're not doing anything. And we are so used to just trying to do life in our heads these days because our lives have become less physical. You know, Monday isn't necessarily laundry day. We don't have to have a whole day where we all get together and do the laundry. We don't have to sweep out a fireplace before we can light a fire and get warm. There's so much less that our bodies have to do in order for us to survive. And so very often we can take that to the Extreme, we can allow it to move toward the extreme of us just not physically moving. We know that there's a huge link between physical movement and the neurotransmitter dopamine. Dopamine is this chemical, and the way that it works is it's kind of excitatory. It's all about bliss and all about direction, and it's all about physical movement as well. And we know that if that gets disrupted, if the dopamine supply gets disruptive, that's what leads to things like Parkinson's disease and other diseases, motor diseases, diseases that affect your body and how it works, how it moves. And so we can take our clues from this. We can say, yeah, you know what? There is a link between being excited and physically moving. If I was to tell you, hey, why don't you walk for half an hour down that road? And there might or might not be something that might or might not be interesting, you'd probably take a pass on that. You'd probably decide, you know what? I'm just going to stay where I am. However, if I said to you, let's imagine that your favorite performer was Beyonce, and I said, beyonce is down that road. She is waiting to have a conversation with you. And if that is something that really would excite you, that you believe that that would add to your life in a massive way, then even before you met her, you would start to feel like moving in that direction. So a large part of getting ourselves moving is having a really, really juicy dream ahead of us, knowing that you're not going to be just getting up in order to keep what you already have, but you're getting up to create something that is not just new, not just a little bit better, not just an upgrade on your car, not just a slightly tidier house, but a massive upgrade. That your house becomes something that feels like a palace, that it becomes like your playhouse, that your entire life becomes an adventure, that your friends aren't just people that you check in with and maybe go out and have a glass of wine and all moan about your day, but your friends are a group of people who really support you and help you to create the next level of your incredible life. And very often, I find, because I've been in this business so long, and I've done TV and radio all across the globe, I found in the early days that people would be very, very skeptical. Particularly I used to be on a weekly television show in Ireland back in the early 2000s, and they weren't having any of it. They just thought that it was nonsense. They thought that it was not practical, that it was just that there was a difference between dreaming and living. Whereas really the two go hand in hand. Because as we dream, we're then creating pictures of better things that we can step into. And with those better things that we can step into, just knowing that we're going to be going there, we start to feel better. You tell a kid they're going to Disneyland, do they start feeling good at the gates of Disney? No. If they have any clue what Disneyland is and they're that kind of kid, they're going to get, like, really, really excited the moment that you tell them. So what are you telling yourself today? Are you telling yourself that you're going to Disneyland in your life, or are you telling yourself that you are going to, like, the worst school possible? Right. So this is what we need to do, is we need to start to change how it is we talk to ourselves about our existences so very often. Mary was sharing that she's just recently started to go through the menopause. And I would suggest that, first of all, you know, do always get checked out by your doctor. I'm a big believer in doctors. I was raised. Everyone in my family was doctors. And I know that they don't have all the answers, but they have a lot of the answers. And the thing they're really good at is knowing when something's going wrong and finding a way to put it right. I've heard a figure that it's something like 20% of the time when people, when women are going through depression, that it is actually down to a condition called hypothyroidism. So it's about your thyroid not working properly, that gland that's fixable. So very often when something feels really big, it feels like it's sitting on us really, really heavily. We believe that because it's so big and because it's affecting us to such a strong degree, that that must mean somehow that it's going to be really, really difficult to solve. So if someone say is, I remember a woman years ago, and she ended up with hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt and she didn't want to go bankrupt, she said, no, I got myself into this, I'll get myself out. She created a particular business where she had paid for television advertising for a product that nobody wanted to buy. And she just really was so excited about the product herself that she didn't do any kind of testing on it. And she just put hundreds of thousands of dollars into like all these late Night. Oh, what are they called? You know, those ads that go on late at night where. And they're selling things. So she had, she had done that and made almost nothing back. It was, it was incredible. She sold something like 70 of this product, which is nothing for that kind of advertising. That had been going on for weeks and weeks. And a lot of people were saying to her, oh, well, if you get a job, you could be out of debt within six years. And she just kind of looked at them, she said, no, you know what? It took me six weeks to get into debt. My plan is to get out of debt within six weeks. And that just changed her mindset. She had an energy about herself that she just was talking to people differently. And she ended up being able to persuade someone that even though the product hadn't sold, the company that had developed and created the product had worth, that the connections that she'd made in that TV station and the good value that she'd built up had worth. And she ended up selling half the business for exactly the cost of the debt. So basically all she had to do is bring someone else into the business and the debt was wiped out. And this is what we have to realize is just because something's been going on for a long time, or because it feels really heavy, or because everyone's telling us it's some kind of a disaster, or because other people have taken a long time to get free of this, it doesn't mean that that's going to be the case with you. And that can already free you to kind of go, wow, you know what? There are other things. So, Mary, what I would say to you is, yes, we're going to baby step it. That was the first thing we were talking about. We were talking about, how is it you can just stand up, go to the kitchen, have that glass of water, maybe make that phone call, maybe put on some clothes, maybe go down the street, maybe go and have a cup of tea, maybe sit under a tree, whatever you need to do. Start to journal, like just a very, very easy way of kind of just meeting your day. A lot of times as women, we think that the only way we can be successful is to do it in a very directive, hard, masculine, push way and to just, you know, start. We don't start off the day at 5 o' clock in the morning pumping iron, that somehow we're doing it wrong. No, we can start really, really gently, really fill up, and then we've got some really good fuel, really good excited energy for getting us through our Day and for doing incredible things. So this is what we need to do is we need to say, right, we're starting off really, really gently. And at the same time, we can be doing some big, exciting stuff. So, you know what, if you. If you've been spending your mornings in bed, if you're now no longer spending your mornings in bed, that's kind of free time that you didn't have before. That's like magic time. So let's use it to do magic, crazy things. Because it doesn't really matter if it works or because, hey, you weren't doing anything with that time anyway. So what you could do is just say, right, what would be the craziest, biggest phone call I could make? Let me phone this particular person and pitch this idea to them. I'll never get through to them and they won't go for it. Yeah, but it doesn't matter because you're living on magic time. So just do it. And you cannot fail because when you do it, sometimes you just get a little kind of bit of a buzz through. Oh, my gosh, I was connected to that person or I was connected to that company, or. Or even more importantly, you just remind yourself that you're not helpless, that you can pick up a phone and that you can make a suggestion. And usually because most people are kind, you won't get dismissed, you won't get told that you're ridiculous. You won't get told to move aside. They will take you seriously even if they don't say yes to your proposal. And that can then start to subtly change your identity and start to remind you that you know what you are. Someone who doesn't just have intrinsic human worth, but also has value that you're bringing to the marketplace. And that even though you might be recovering from disappointments or you might be tired after years of working and bringing that value to the marketplace, that it can be done in a new way, that you can really start to enjoy yourself with this. So that would be my quite long answer for you, Mary, is to make sure that you are being gentle with yourself. But it's gentle progression. Very often people say, oh, I'm just looking after myself. And they're really not. They're really just being passive. Looking after yourself isn't about being passive. It's not about just collapsing into the sofa and putting on whatever TV show is on and ordering a pizza. Right. Sometimes it's that, but usually it's, let me design something, let me design my evening. I need to have an active recovery. So if you want to be watching something, can you watch something that will bring something to your life? Can you watch a movie in a language that you're learning? Can you watch a documentary that might have some way of exciting you and inspiring you? Can you even watch something that's nostalgic, that will remind you of times when you were more excited, so really designing it, saying to yourself, okay, I need to order in food. What's the healthiest food I can order? Pizza might be the fastest, but is there like an Indian meal or a Thai meal or a Japanese meal that I could get that would be even healthier? Can I actually have a salad while I'm waiting for that to arrive? We're not helpless. Sometimes we can just get into this groove of just things feeling funky and us kind of feeling like it's not going to work and it's not going to change. Remember, feelings are not facts. You are capable. You can change things. People have turned things around massively. People who have been part of huge tragedies have turned things around massively. You might remember some of our guests. One of our guests was homeless on the streets for years and went through all kinds of trauma. And in fact, her name is Shan Young, if you remember her. She's so, so beautiful, such an inspiring woman. Xian gave birth a couple of days ago, and herself and her husband are really, really thrilled, really happy. So she is now living a life that, you know, most people would have said, you know, with drug addiction and being on the streets, most people would have written her off. She's turned it around. So whatever you're going through, you can turn this around. You've got this. You know what? I feel like I just go through the world saying to everybody, you know what? You're doing better than you think. It's going to get even better again. And you've got this. You are not helpless. I don't care who's told you that in the past. I don't care what it is that people are saying to you now. I don't care what it is your little voice in your brain is saying to you. You have got this. And I will just do that. I will just go around the planet saying it one at a time if I need to, because so many people are just operating on a fraction of their capabilities. They are just feeling a fraction of the joy that they could feel. So here's my question for you. What can you do? What can you do right now to add to your joy, to add to your vision, to add to Your amazing life. Welcome to the Women's Radio Station Supporting women's well being Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenriched.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months, I'll be doing a survey in big brand coffee shops, interviewing customers asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a health tip. For our listeners, the most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. Stay tuned for further details. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together with spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories, it will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity, helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the Women's Radio station Supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show. Go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's wellbeing. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. All right, let's do some more transforming, shall we? This is Judy Mae Murphy. You're listening to WRS supporting women's well being. And we are broadcasting here for from our lovely little studio in Covent Garden. And you can listen to us from anywhere around the world. And the thing that we all share as women is this idea culturally, no matter what country you live in, there is culturally this idea that somehow we are playing catch up. And unfortunately, there are situations where we do have to, in fact, many situations where we do have to work harder in order to just be seen and heard. And that kind of pushback that we're getting every day, that thing that we talk about among ourselves where, you know, we're not listened to in the same way somebody else is given credit for something that we come up with. The fact that we're not believed and someone else is instantly believed and their credibility only lies in them being a man. We know how exhausting that is. I just want to say that, to say that the thing we need to do is we need to just stay courageous. Like, goodness knows, women, we are so brave as it is. What we, what we go through, I think people in general, I think we're just incredible and what it is that we get through. But what I'd like to do is just put in this little thought of, you know, don't let that get you down, don't let that win. Because if it's already sitting on you, this idea that it's going to be that much more difficult before you've even taken the action, in a way then that that idea is winning. So let's just win this struggle. Let's transform this, let's bring this to a place where it works for everybody. And you might remember that over the last few years, last few years, last few weeks, particularly with our guests, wonderful people like Selma, we have been talking about how that's even more the case for women of color. And that's a conversation that we're going to continue. But let's just say that, you know, when we're starting in our heads, we can acknowledge that yes, we, there is a lot of work to be done and not let that steal our joy. We can have all this work ahead of us and be really happy and Feel really great. Often if I am called in to coach people and they've been through a recent tragedy, but they've lost a family member, they're grieving, they kind of feel that they have to be sad and they have to not be happy. No matter what is going on, you have the right to be happy. And even if you don't believe you have the right, you have the ability to be happy. And really, why would you not take that? Very often we think that somehow it means we don't care or it means that we won't be paying enough attention, we give it a kind of a funky meaning. But really, happiness in all its forms. Happiness is an umbrella term. It stands for anything from the most zenned out blissful state to just completely frenzied euphoria and anything in between. And even including things like feeling relieved, you take your shoes off when you come in after a long day, all these things count. And the more of those good feelings that we have going on throughout our lives, the better our lives are. That's what a good life is. Everything that we do is in order that we can consistently feel a better standard of emotion. So let's just do that already. It's kind of like unspent money. If you have all these possible great emotions that you could be feeling today and instead you're choosing to just keep the anxiety going, keep the worry going. And the reason that we do that, that is because the anxiety, the worry is trying to get our attention. It's trying to say to us, hey, wake up. There's a possible thing that's going to go wrong in the road. And all you got to do is say, right, I'm on it. I've taken some notes, I've made some plans, I'm going to work those plans later. And then you can ditch the heavy feeling, then you can move right into. And now I'm going to feel great. Alrighty. So feeling great, moving on. Let's take our next question. The next question didn't come with a name, so we will always respect that. We will never divulge any of your information. We really want you to know that this is a very, very safe place for you. And this person says, I've been dating this guy for ages and he isn't putting in the same effort as I am. I made us a lovely meal the other night and he showed up an hour late and looked at his phone while we ate. Things were amazing for the first few months and I want to get back to that. Okay, so you didn't specify how long ages was. So first of all, we got to acknowledge that for some people ages is two weeks. And for some people ages is two years. And for some people ages doesn't kick in until like the five year mark. So it's really important for us to remember that when we're in relationship with anybody, whether that is a romantic relationship, a friendship or a business relationship, or you know, a family of origin relationships, that we all have different ideas in our head about what's going on. So perhaps this guy had this expectation that, you know, that because you've been together for a while and he was having a really bad day, that you would just be understanding of the fact that he would show up late, that you would know that he had done his best to be there on time. And also that, you know, you'd be alright with him having to check the messages coming in from work. Okay, that would be a reasonable way to interpret it. However, we've got to make sure that as women, we're not giving people the benefit of the doubt too much. This is something that we tend to do. We tend to just presume either in one direction or the other direction way too much. So we can either get really dramatic and presume it means that they're seeing somebody else and they're cheating on us and they hate us and they're awful, or on the other hand, that they're doing their best. And then we step into that role of terribly supportive women that so many of us play so well. So what we need to do is we always need to go right back to how is this feeling to me right now? Because you mentioned that you want to get it back to how it was before. And very often we can kind of coast on how it was before. For a very, very long time. I used to enjoy my job. I used to have fun with this person. This person used to be nice to me. And then we go and we put all these different cond around the fact that we're not feeling good there anymore. Yes, we do have to compromise. We do have to realize that we're not in this alone. We don't just demand that everybody drops everything until we're completely satisfied. However, for most of us, we err in the other direction and we don't put ourselves first. We don't say, hey, you know what, my experience here in this relationship matters. So what I would say is, first of all, let's look at what is it that you're trying to do with someone when you're in a relationship, if you're trying to build a business with them, if you're trying to fix a car with them, if you're trying to be in a love relationship with them, what you're doing is you're saying, together we can build something awesome. And it sounds as if right now you're doing the building and he's kind of kicking back. So you're the one who went and planned the menu, bought the food, did all these great things, and he's bringing very little to the table, figuratively as well as otherwise. And he really isn't. He's not pulling his weight, but at the same time you're not giving him any signals that he's not pulling his weight. So if you go and prepare that meal, you're sending a message saying, this is what I believe my contribution needs to be right now. And really what you're doing is over contributing. Whereas if instead if he had showed up an hour late and you just weren't there, and then the next day he looks on social media and he finds out that you were out having a good time with your friends, or he phones you and says, hey, where are you? And you say, oh, you know what? You weren't there. So I'm off, you know, making dinner for my friend in their house. Not in a manipulative way, not in an I'll show them way, but just in an I'm getting on with my amazing life kind of way. And so that when that happens, you're sending a message to yourself saying, I'm not waiting here. I'm not having to over earn. I'm not having to do all this effort in order to get a kind of a pat on the head and at a girl, a kiss. Oh, what would I do without you? A phrase that will light you up. So if you find that you do this generally, that you give too much to receive too little, usually it's because you were used to that from childhood. You were used to, you know, maybe being great in school, getting a grades or being very quiet and polite or looking after younger siblings or you know, fetching daddy's drink or whatever it was that you were good at doing. Perhaps you did that and then you got just maybe not hit or not yelled at or a smile, not realizing how things work. So your idea of what equal partnership is might be just completely weird. That's the only way I can put it. And I know this from personal experience. My idea of what any relationship was, was just completely out of whack for the longest time people would arrange to meet me and then they would cancel at the last minute and I would be like, oh, it's okay, because they called rather than hold on a second, it's not okay, I'm sitting here, I'm waiting. Or they'd call and say, I'm so sorry I'm late. And I'd be like, oh, it's fine. Because in my mind it was fine because just by meeting humble little me, they were already doing so much. So this is what we need to do is we need to start with what is it that we can have as a reasonable expectation? Because it sounds like right now that you're kind of trying to control the situation by, you know, making them like you. They're supposed to like you anyway before you do anything. And certainly if you do something like you arrange and make sure it's not just a simple communication problem, make sure that they know. And I'm sure they do. Sometimes people will say, oh, I didn't know, I didn't know you were making dinner. If you sent them an email and they replied to that email or that text and it sort of said, yeah, great, see you at eight, that's an arrangement. So if someone's telling you that your version of reality is off, that's what Gaslighting is. If they're consistently saying to you and you're consistently having to say, oh, okay, let me get better at communicating, let me get better at checking. It's not supposed to be that difficult. If you look at the people who are healthy in your life, what do most of them do? Most of them say, great, I'll see you then, and they show up. If this one person or these one or two or three people aren't doing that, it's not you, it's them, so stop trying to fix it. And also, you're probably addicted to those first few weeks. You were probably just on such a high and just so lacking in that and so loving that, that it had a drug like effect. And now even the tiniest bit of it gets you addicted again and you want to go back. So I would just completely say to yourself, right, what do I want to do? That I know people I can be surrounded by, people who celebrate me, people who support me, people who show up when they're supposed to, people who aren't rudely checking their phone the whole time and just communicate that as your standard and then hold to it, hold to it. That's then his job to reach that standard and to meet it. And if he can't. Well, then it's goodbye time. Because you know what? There are plenty of people in this world who can see your worth. And you are worthy. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello, hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's well being. Each show I share the airwaves with ordinary women like me and you doing extraordinary things, women who overcome huge obstacles in their lives, who are now here with me to empower you on the Radical Wellbeing show. You'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at work Women's radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with the theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations Supporting women's wellbeing. Women's Radio Station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's womensradio stn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome back. This is Judy Mamie Murphy and you're listening to wrs. Supporting women's well being. Supporting your well being. Sometimes you forget. I bet you do. I bet you forget sometimes that your job is to make you feel good. Your job is to be happy in your body and your brain and your life. And the stuff of your day needs to be building out a life that allows that to be possible for you so you're not just doing things for other people and then recovering. And the two questions that we've been dealing with already in this hour are from Mary. Mary was talking about how she was finding it really hard to get out of bed. And then we were also talking about how another listener has a challenge where she's putting in all this effort in a romantic relationship and she's trying to get it back to the way it was before. And hopefully now she's starting to realize that that's not her job. That if he was on board at the beginning and he was all enthusiastic at the beginning, it's his job to get himself back to that place. And she needs to just withdraw so she can stop sending him the message of, yeah, you know what, you can be lazy because I'm gonna pick up the slack. And as women, we will often send out that message that we'll pick up the slack. Why? Because we kind of do it right. And often it's emotional slack. It could be something like that. We're at a table with a group of people and someone is rude to, the waiter will be the one who'll turn around and be lovely and reassure them and give them an extra tip at the end. It can even be done in things like emotional labor is a big thing that we're talking about now where he forgets his sister's birthday, and you're the one that remembers it. And then he's just. He knows, hey, men are efficient. They're very efficient beings. And so she's got it. And so we've got to stop doing that. We've got to just really remind ourselves, what is my job? And then just noticing how we're feeling, noticing is the other person reciprocating and not that thing where they reciprocate just enough. So let's suppose that you're the one who's overburdened with work in your office. And then suddenly you kick off and you say to the boss, you know, it's not fair. I'm not doing this. I'm going to leave. And then they say, okay, well, I'll tell you what, I'll let you do this. And there's some kind of treat that's involved, like maybe a trick or a particular opportunity, or they praise you in front of someone higher up, and then you feel a little bit better. But then notice, are they using that to stop you from complaining about the situation? That doesn't work for you. So this is the same with all relationships. Start paying attention. Are you just being kind of tossed a Scooby snack to keep you quiet for a while, or is the situation actually being resolved? Because there are some people who don't want the situation to be resolved. They don't want you to have an easier time. They're all about their easy time. So that's where we've got to stand up for ourselves in our own lives and say, you know what? This just isn't working for me. And we can do it gently, we can do it kindly. We can say, hey, you know what? At the beginning of the relationship, I really felt like we were having fun. I felt like you were really present with me. You know, we had that great chemistry. We still have the great chemistry. But all the other stuff that's really, really important to me is kind of missing. So I'm just letting you know that that's kind of partly why I'm in this. That's a big reason why I'm in this relationship, and I need it. So I'll just, you know, I'm not breaking up with you right now. I just need you to know that this is something that's very, very important for me right now. And then if it doesn't change, give yourself a timeline. Say to yourself, right, you know what? Two weeks is reasonable. If they need to, you know, learn things or ask me questions about my preferences or they need to just get over particularly tricky time at work, then two weeks is reasonable. If it's more than two weeks, then they're not prioritizing you. And it's just, it's not right. If it's not the right time, it's not right. If it's not the right energy, it's not right. But sometimes we try and squeeze ourselves into a too small relationship. A relationship with the other person is too distracted, too busy thinking that, you know what, it's going to ease out. A time will come when it will be good. So we've got to stop doing that. We've got to realize that every single day matters. So, wow, we're seeing a link here, aren't we? Every single day matters. This is why we got to get ourselves out of bed. We've got to do what we can do. We've got to check in with ourselves. And if we were. If we grew up without a very strong sense of self, if we were always about other people, this is something that we need to learn. We need to learn, what are my preferences, how am I feeling? You know, what is a reasonable expectation? And then learn through doing, through saying things like, that doesn't work for me. Just learn that, hey, someone can yell and I can just walk out the door. Someone can become obnoxious and I can just hang up the phone. So some of the learning and some of the thinking can be done ahead of time, but really it's by actively standing up for yourself in the process of life that things start to get even more amazing. So our third question is from Claire. Claire is in the Midlands and she says, I've never liked my boss. I think I look boring, like plain wallpaper. I can look at other women, they seem to like their bodies. Taking selfies, etc. I don't know what to do. You added a picture of yourself and that was lovely. And you're right, your body is absolutely fine. So first of all, we've got to work out what exactly is going on here. Because sometimes the problem is the problem as we're stating it to ourselves, isn't the problem. And Claire, I would suggest that that could be what's going on with you right now. You're saying, I don't like my body. It feels boring me. Maybe the problem is that you haven't actively tried to make a link between your best self, how you feel on the inside or who you want to be, and your external body so that that can be one part of it and then maybe another part of it is that you are going through the body shame, the toxic body shame that a lot of women feel through the culture that we live in, through, you know, comments being made, a spotlight being shone on us in a not necessarily positive way. Us being overly sexualized from a very young age, all these things have led to us wanting to be bodyless. If you like, wanting to hide ourselves away, we can take control of this and we can say to ourselves, no, you know what? This is my body. It is not just sexual, it is not just ascetic, it is not just a way of efficiently getting from one place to another. But. But it's all of these things and more. It's, you know, for some people, they see it as a spiritual conduit. For some women, they will see it as a way to rebel. For some women, they'll see it as a way to send out a statement. So I'm actually heading right off to a fashion show after this. A friend of mine, Richard Malone, is a wonderful fashion designer and he's also the best feminist I know. By the way, check out Richard Malone. And if you have have the funds right now, you know, get yourself to Harrods or Harvey Nicks or anywhere in Paris, Tokyo that he sells his stuff. And he really is just an absolute expert at seeing what is possible for women's bodies. He's not about just, you know, dressing stick thin women and making them look like they're something from another planet. Like, he really is just incredible with color and touch and really knowing that it's an all round experience, how you dress yourself and how you make your choices. So how do you want to wear your hair? A lot of women who I coach have been looking the same way for years. And something as simple as wearing a different color, having a different haircut is sending a message to yourself. This is who I can be. This is the new self that I'm stepping forward into. And it's the same thing for like, why do we love those makeover shows on TV where they completely change and transform a room? It's not just because someone's room has been transformed. It's because we're remembering that transformation is possible quickly and that it can make a big radical difference. And we're kind of projecting ourselves into that as we should, that that is our job and saying, you know, how much more me can I be? How many more parts of myself can I explore that have been left unexplored up until now? And really, I'd say if you approach your body with that kind of excitement, a lot of the shame just kind of falls away. I'm really into dialectical theories. Whether it's dialectical, behavioral therapy, or the other ideas of that, there are two extremes going on, and if we want a different result, we can just go to the opposite extreme of what we've been getting up until now. So if you say you feel like wallpaper, what would it be like? If you were really exciting, if you used your body as a way to just experiment and get excited about it, if you just went into, like, the mat counter and got a makeover, even if it looked way too much, even if you look like you're super early ready for Halloween, what would it be like to just see you differently? What would it be like? Another thing I do with a lot of my clients is I send them in to try on clothes that they can't afford yet. Like, just really, really high end, amazing, beautiful clothes. And they start to see themselves differently. They start to see, like, wow, I prefer this. This is my choice. And they physically step into it. Remember when we were talking at the top of the hour about the importance of taking physical action and moving into it, Rather than just having this idea of, oh, that would be nice. Having an idea of this is available to me, and I've got to put some things in place. I've got to work out some things I've got to work out. How do I bring in more money? How do I bring more value to the marketplace? How do I make sure that I am consistently more involved in the design and the play of my own life? All these things are things that we can work out. So I would like to really, really encourage you to just sit and say, and what else is could it be? And what else can I do? And what else is available? And get inspired. And, you know, in order to do that, we often have to step away from what it is that we have been doing. So, you know, if you've been dressing in the same way. I remember there was a time where I could afford great clothes, but I was just wearing all black clothes all the time. And then I went and just stepped into some really, really bright colors, and it just changed everything. Same thing for people who just wear bright colors, and suddenly they. They step into the sophistication of an all black outfit. It matters. It makes a difference. Very often, and we've talked about this on the show, very often, things that are seen as feminine are often seen as less than. But you know what? I believe that we can do transformation, that, you know, the way that we dress, the way that we adorn ourselves is a way of displaying and developing our own life philosophies. So don't think of it as something trite and a little extra aside thing. This is your life. It matters. The clothes that you choose to wear, the way that you choose to work out your body, the way that you choose to stretch, the way that you choose to strengthen the fun that you want to do. Do you want to go and do roller derby? Do you want to go on a dry slope and learn how to snowboard? Whatever it is that you want to do, you get to do it no matter what. From wherever you are standing, sitting or lying right now, you get to decide. You get to redesign. You get to transform everything. Let's keep doing this together. Welcome to the Women's Radio Station Supporting women's well being Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. Start@empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months I'll be doing a survey in big brand coffee shops interviewing customers asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a health tip. For our listeners, the most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. 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