Judymay Is Listening – Starting Out And Starting Over

Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. Welcome, welcome. It is Monday at noon and we are broadcasting live from WRS in our beautiful studio here in Covent Garden in London. Judy May's Listening is all about you. It's all about everything that you can do to transform your already awesome life. I'm Judy Mae Murphy. For those of you who haven't met me yet, what I do is I am a motivational speaker and a super coach. I transform people's lives all day. Been doing it for 20 years now. It's what I'm all about. So in that time, I've gathered a lot of information that will be really, really useful to you. Today's show is all about story starting again, starting over, starting out. It's the starting show. So we have someone who is just starting out on the next chapter of her amazing life. Elspeth Proudlock is in as our guest today and you're going to get to know her. But first of all, I'm just going to do a couple of questions from you ladies that you've sent in. If you want to send in a question for any show, don't even wait for the theme to come up. If something comes up and you have a question about it, just let me know and we will make sure that we then include that, that we then can build a show around it and invite other women to pitch in and say what around that theme isn't working so well for them. So the first one that we have is from Sherry and she said I had to declare bankruptcy last year and I feel like it announced the end of my dream. Wow, how many times have we felt like that? How many times have we felt like a certain thing means the end of the world or the end of something? And very often then we cycle back out of that and we start to say, you know what, there are some good things here. There are some things that we can do about it. I just need to sleep. I just need to eat. But when something long term is sitting heavy and we're really feeling like the meaning of this is not a good meaning, then we can start to filter everything in our lives through that, well, crisis that you went through. And I mean, it was hard. It was a crisis for you. As humans, we are little meaning making machines. Why is that? The reason is because that's what protects us. That's what our brain wants to do. We hear a sound, you know, imagine Us all as cave women, we hear a sound in the distance and we have to work out, what does that sound mean? Does it mean that there's a storm coming? Does it mean that there's a saber toothed tiger coming? Does it mean that the cave is about to collapse? This is why it's important for us to make meanings. However, as we've become more and more sophisticated, we've become more sophisticated in the way that we make meaning around things. So instead of saying, okay, I declared bankruptcy, that means that I'm no longer under those stresses and I've got a blank slate, and after a little bit of recovery time, I get to start again. Instead, we give it a meaning that says, I am not good with money, My life is a failure. I will never. We stack meanings that are not in our favor. And if you think about it, we don't know right now what the future is going to be for any of us. But we do know this, that when we find more empowering meanings in whatever situation is going on, we are more likely to step up into something that's going to really work for our lives. And then if we give it a disempowering meaning, if we say this means I'll never be taken seriously again, or this means that it's proof that I can't do x, Y, or Z, then we're going to start doing the kind of behaviors that will pretty much make us right at the end of the day. So you're going to prove yourself right one way or the other. So what is it that you're going to prove yourself right in? And this is where we have to take care of the meanings. So when we look at some other people who've had the same thing happen, you can see that they pretty much take one of two paths. They either shrug it off and say, okay, that was unfortunate. Okay, that was embarrassing, right? That is something that I learned from. And. And let me start again. Or we say, let me go hide. I know this wonderful woman who went bankrupt, and she went bankrupt beautifully. She went and she told everybody and she said, you know what? I want to share this with you, and I'm not looking for pity, and I'm not looking for advice here. All I'm doing is I'm looking for the fact that I'm not hiding here. I want to acknowledge what happened, and I want you to know that I'm building bigger again. You get as many fresh starts as you need. Why do we all love January 1st so much? Why do we all love Spring cleaning so much. Why do we all love September returning to school? What is it about that feeling? It's that we are giving ourselves permission to start again. To say, you know what? I'm gonna step into this fresh. I'm gonna start again. I'm gonna. You know, the house of cards came down pretty dramatically in your case here, Sheri. And let's acknowledge that. Let's not try and pretend that didn. But let's not spend ages just feeling sorry for ourselves, because you don't need to. Yes, you need to say, this hurt. This felt badly. Same thing for supposing you lost a loved one. Someone. I've got a friend who had been married for a year, and then they went on their honeymoon. They delayed their honeymoon for a year. They went off on their honeymoon, and her husband died on that honeymoon, like a couple of days into that honeymoon, and she, already six weeks in, is saying, you know what? That was the worst thing that could have happened to me. That was just so awful. I'm not pretending that there's anything okay about that. And I am not going to live under the burden of that sadness. I'm going to say, right, you know, I was so blessed that I had that love, that. These incredible adventures we had together, that I had him in my life. And I'm still going to live big, and I'm still going to grow, and I'm still going to make my dreams come true. And. And she's really living from that place. And she is just such an extraordinary example to all of us of how that can be done. Particularly if you had a childhood where you were shamed for things, it can be harder to bounce back because the meaning that was always mirrored to you was, you are less than. So supposing you spilled a glass of milk. It wasn't, oh, you spilled a glass of milk. It's, oh, you are so clumsy. That was either the look or the sound that went with that action. And when we have been given that kind of look or those kind of criticisms in our childhood, we kind of internalize that. And then it's easier for us to do that to ourselves. And so we start immediately giving things the meaning that we are somehow broken and we need to run away and hide. So, Sherry, I'd ask you, is this something that you learned how to do from a very, very young age? Is this something that you don't just do with the bankruptcy, but perhaps you do it in other areas of your life as well? You know, if you disappoint somebody, do you Go into a massive shame attack if you, you know, make another mistake, you call someone by the wrong name. Do you feel more awful than you need to? Yeah, we want a little bit of a wake up call kind of going, oh my gosh, that's not okay to call someone by the wrong name. Their name matters. But that really is a signal to fix it in the same way as bankruptcy is a signal to fix whatever wasn't working. Was it simply that you were trying to do the right thing at the wrong time in the economy? Was it that you were building more quickly than your brain and your business could keep up with? Was it that you became emotionally overwhelmed and disassociated and pulled back? And that had implications on your sales? So what was it that happened? And just take the signal for that. Take the signal as a sort of a wake up call saying what went on here in order that we can keep ourselves safe in the future and then maybe write a little list. I remember doing that when I, for a long time kept getting into bad relationship after bad relationship after bad relationship. I was the common denominator. But rather than just go hide under a rock and say, right, I was never meant to be in a couple again, you know, I'll never find the right man. Yeah, you do that for a couple of days, right? You do feel really sorry for yourself. But then I said, right, what are the mistakes that I'm making here? And I set myself out a list of things not to do. So things like, you know, don't get on a plane to go visit someone until they've got on a plane to come visit you first. You know, make sure that you're not over giving first, hoping that they'll eventually give back. And I came up with these very strong rules for myself. And anytime I do feel like, gosh, you know, I've made a really big mistake, the first thing I will do now is sit down and go, how am I feeling about this? And then how true are those feelings? How are those feelings trying to get my attention? And the second thing is, and what can I do about this? So how do I feel about it? What can I do about it? Because very often, particularly as women, we lump those two things in together. How do I feel and what do I do? It's all just a great big like, oh, I feel awful and therefore I should go and get ice cream, to quote a cliche. But, but really when we, when we say I feel this way, and in fact this is going on, remembering that feelings are not facts. They're just signals trying to get our attention and sometimes they shout too loudly at us. Sometimes our emotions are trying to get our attention when we don't need to pay attention to that. Our emotions are trying to get our attention, but really it's because they became overly sensitive in our childhood and we don't need to feel so strongly about the mistakes that we're making. So, Sherry, that's what I'd say to you is like, just watch out for how as a meaning making machine, are you creating meaning around this? So you say. I feel like it announced the end of my dream. Well, why not today? Why don't we announce a fresh beginning? Not just for you, Sheri, but for everyone who's listening. Who needs this? Let's announce right now a fresh start for your dream. What is it that you can really, really make happen? Did your dream shrink? This happens a lot that our dream kind of just, you know, we think, oh, that's difficult. And we kind of go, oh, I, you know, rather than going for the great big dream house, I'll just buy my own apartment instead. Rather than, no, no, no, no, no. We're going for the thing that excites us and the first step might be our own apartment, but we really got to make sure that we're not giving up on the dream that just because we've had disappointments, just because we've had massive great disappointments. And after the break, we're going to be talking to someone who I just adore talking to this young woman. She's just extraordinary because she's just very real about everything that happens to her in her life. She doesn't wallow in self pity, but equally she feels it, she gets support, she asks people, she makes up her own mind. And she's someone who is starting out on great new path in her life. So I'm so excited for you to meet her. But in the meantime, during the ads, I'd like you to do this here's homework, right? I'm going to get you to actually join us in doing this. And we're all, we're going to do this in studio as well. We're each of us going to create one thing that we're going to do today that we wouldn't have otherwise done. That is going to, that is going to lead to our knowing what it is that the next step of our dream is going to be. What is that one thing that we're going to do that will make sure that we can not live in that place of oh, Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't, but just yes. When I do this, I know that my dream is going to come true. When I make that phone call, that is proof to me that I'm going after this. When I send that email, that is proof that I'm not letting that thing lie. When I sit down with my pen and paper and I sketch out a picture of the way my golden magic dream moment is going to look, that is me telling my brain here, brain, this is what we're going toward. So just one thing in this ad break, as you listen to the ads, I'd like you to just do that. Just say, right, here's one extra thing that's going to happen today. So that I'm announcing. Not a passive start, not just kind of like, okay, get rid of everything, start again. But, but here is the first step and let's make that together here on wrs. Supporting women's wellbeing. See you soon. Welcome to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. 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Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield A blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show, get booked here at Women's Radio Station and daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch at presenters@womensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's Radio station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadio station, that's Women's Radio STN or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and you tell. Together we transform everything. Well, we did our homework during the break. How about you? So the three things that are happening with the team are in order to announce a new step forward in a particular area are we got one person who is going to be calculating signal flow. I don't even know what that means, but that's an awesome thing that's going to be happening. Another thing is somebody else is going to be getting together a couple of bags of clothes to create some space so that they can start to work the plan. And I'm going to send a very particular email to a lovely guy in California and that's all it is. Just that little thing of saying that one extra thing that wasn't on the list for today. Let me do that. And really, that's all success is. Success is just one step after another. I have a beautiful friend who has made. Well, it's easily a billion at this point. It's got to be because his very first business he sold for something like 500 million. And since then, he's built and sold loads of huge companies. And when I knew him, he was starting out in 2001. He was starting out with 2,000American dollars. And so, you know, if he can do that in 20 years, in fact, he'd done a significant portion of it within eight, so can we. But we've just got to. We've just got to remind ourselves that it is there to be done and that we can do it. We've also got to stop doing the things that are getting in the way. A lot of people are spending way too much time recovering from their own daily disappointments rather than just saying, okay, now I'm going to disappear into two hours of Netflix, right? Let me instead just sit here for five minutes and just work out, you know, how can I feel better? Can I go for a walk? Can I go for a run? Do you really have to do that? If you have to do it, go ahead. You're the expert on you. You know what it is that you need to do. But I'd like to invite you into an even higher level of success. I'd like to invite you into that new fresh start. And so knowing that your glory days are ahead of you, no matter what has happened, no matter how old you are, no matter how young you are, no matter how disappointed or excited you are, this is available for you. And it really is just a question of getting the mindset straight, getting the emotions on board, fixing the in, and then we start to work on the out consistently. I'd like to introduce you now to Elspeth Proudlock. Elspeth is someone who, as soon as she finished school, she came straight up to London and didn't follow the path that most of her schoolmates followed. So, Elspeth, tell us a little bit about your first year of Building the Dream. Oh, hello. Well, thank you for having me. Pleasure. So, yeah, I finished school and then the next day I got on a bus and moved up to London. And I just said to myself, right, I have to get a job now because I can't live on my friend's couch forever. And. And luckily, one of her friends came in and said, hey, get a job at this place. You'll work there and everything. And luckily that all worked out. I got a job there and everything. So what did that feel like? I mean, I love the iconic nature of just literally getting on a bus the day after you left school. That's just. That is building biography if ever I've heard It. So how did you. How did you feel? Was it. Was it the excitement, excitement that got you there, or was there a lot of, like, anxiety kind of in that mix? Or was it. Did you kind of to and fro a lot of mixed emotions? So from where I'm from, I was not in the happiest of mindsets. I was quite negative, and I knew that the place where I was in at that moment was not good for me, but I was sad. Why was that? Why was it. Why did you have that meaning? We were talking with Sherry about creating meaning. So it sounds like you created a particular meaning about where you were at at that time. What was that meaning about? Yeah, I think a lot of people who I was surrounded by were quite negative. And I was brought up to kind of. I didn't feel very positive about myself. I felt that I wasn't worth anything. I felt, you know, nobody could love me, blah, blah, all the teenager stuff that everybody goes through. But. But I felt that where I was and the people who were around me were not very good for me. That is so interesting because it's like, something that I didn't think of. So thank you for this. What you're saying is that the people that you were surrounded by made it easier for you to come up with a negative meaning. But obviously, now that you're in a much better place, the people that you're surrounded by, who I know, all adore you. It makes it easier for you to create a positive meaning about who you are. Yeah. So I completely ditched everything, my previous life, as it were. And then I just completely had a fresh start, met new people. Kind of realized when I met these people, oh, I don't like you. I like you. You're a nice person. You're not a nice person. So I really made an effort to surround myself by positive people. I was very adamant that I was going to be surrounded by positive people. I'm going to work on myself for a little bit and then hopefully build bricks from there, which I thankfully have. And yeah, it's quite. I don't know how to explain my year. My year has had a lot of ups and downs. What would be like a really down, down. Was there ever a time where you said to yourself, like Sherry was saying, feeling like it's all over? Was there ever a moment where you were just kind of like, this is not working. This is worse than where I was when I started out. This is worse than before I got on the bus. Yeah. So I moved into a house of not very nice people. They were all just not my cup of tea, you know, they were very high maintenance and whatnot. Whilst I'm quite messy. So living in a house with people who like things tidy whilst you're quite messy, just not a good mix. And I live. But it sounds. Because you told me this story before. Tell us the story about the toothpaste. This will let people know that this is not. This is not all on you. I'll say an even worser one was I dried this jumper that I'm wearing today. I dried it on one of the racks inside, and there were three drops of water on the ground. Three drops. Not three puddles, but three drops of water. Three drops. I knew exactly the amount because I got screamed the amount at me. And one of my housemates came up to me and just went for me and just absolutely screamed at me, saying, how dare you? This is so inconsiderate of everyone else around you. I said, I'm really sorry. I didn't know because I went to bed. But isn't that interesting that in someone's mind, having three drops of water on the floor is worse than someone being screamed at and told that they're inconsiderate and awful? Yeah. I got told all these really strange stuff, which I couldn't put the two and two together. So they were saying to me that I was irresponsible, I was immature, I wasn't considerate of others. Whilst I was kind of sitting there kind of going, how am I not all these things for three drops of water? I then kind of went away and processed it and went. I felt it was a reflection on them. They were pushing their insecurities onto me. Mm. And we don't even have to know why they're doing it. We just know that it's not working for us. And then another time when you just literally came in late from work, you spat toothpaste out into the sink. I did it in the dark as well. So there was like, literally some toothpaste in the sink and that. I got screenshots sent to me. I got screamed at and I got the same thing said to me. I was irresponsible, immature, all these other things. And I was just like, okay, this is a reflection on you. Because I also knew this person's lifestyle and it was not a healthy lifestyle. And I was going, okay, so this is clearly you just an exercise in control on their part. Yeah. This person. There was many other layers to it. Lots of other bad things that happen from this person towards me. And it was. They were trying to gain power. So did you have feelings when something like that would happen? Did you have feelings of it's not working, or were you able to divorce the moment from the plan? I knew it was a bad idea to move in with these people pretty much on day one. So when I was on my way to the meeting with estate agent, where I was meeting some of the new people, I knew one of the person who I was gonna live with. And when I was on my way, I was crossing the road, and it was a red light, green, man. I went across the road. I got hit by a bike. Oh, my goodness. I got knocked over, and I got up. And now I would have screamed at the person, the cyclist, but at that moment, I just went, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm in such a hurry. Got on the tube, got there, and then I met the new people. I said, I'm really sorry. I'm late. I got hit by a bike. And they just went, okay. And were you obviously, like, were you hurt? Like, were you bruised or. I couldn't go into work the next day. Was it like. Was it visible? Like, was there any way? Yeah, my legs were bleeding. My hip was completely smashed up. My arm, I couldn't lift anything. It was just. Yeah. So people. People with no compassion, clearly. Yeah. I'm sure you must have looked. The look in your eye must have been. I've just been really hurt. I was in pure shock. I couldn't pain for, like, half an hour. And then I sat in the meeting, and when I was de Stressing, all the pain was just running through my body, and I was going, oh, I've really hurt myself. Wow, that's. That. That is just incredible. So I'm guessing that the first piece of advice we have is when you're setting out on a new dream, don't get hit by a bike. I was gonna go, don't be around toxic people. But you're right, I think, yeah. Job one is don't get hit by a bike. Job two is don't toothpaste into the sink. No. Job two, then, is to get around reasonable people. Because right now, in the more vulnerable state that she's in, if Sherry gets around people like the people you were living with, it's gonna be much harder for her to move out of that and to step forward. So when did you then decide that it was time to, you know, release yourself from the burden of these people? Oh, pretty much the whole way through, I was going, I need to leave. I need to leave. But I had signed up for a six month contract. So on my fourth month I started looking for places. In my fifth month I found a place and I went, I have to move in. And they said, you can move in straight away. And I went, great. And I moved in and it was so expensive to do this. I was pretty much, I was also bankrupt by the end of this, but I moved in and I still had one month rent and I did not live there. I could not live there. I love that. So you just, you just made your decision in your favor because really that's what fresh starts and glory days being ahead of us is all about is like. Finally, as we talk about a lot on Judy May's Listening, operating in our own favor, doing things that work for us rather than giving ourselves that little bit that's left after everybody else has been given to. More after these welcome to the Women's Radio Station Supporting women's well being Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. 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For more information on how you can sponsor a Show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's well being welcome back to WRS Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being. I'm Judy Mae Murphy and women, we have a lot of new things happening in my business recently, so if you'd like to as well as joining Women's Radio Station on Instagram, I'm udymaymurphy and also I've produced a whole load of really great new YouTube videos that deal with the kinds of subjects that we're talking about here on the show. So if you'd like to learn about things like how to not feel so hurt. If you'd like to get some really great priming tools, tools for getting yourself into a great place no matter how you're feeling at the beginning of the day, all that is available, Judy mae Murphy on YouTube and that is for you for free. So please come and join us there and subscribe. So we've been speaking on the show about the things that mean that we can enjoy the feeling and the productive action that comes around a fresh start, that we're not allowing the meanings of what has happened before to close us down. We're not allowing our feelings to close us down. We're saying, right, how can we be open? How can we be clear about what the dream is? How can we take massive action? We've been speaking to Elspeth Proudlock all about how she as a young person, Lispeth is now 19 years old, right? Correct. I don't, don't even remember that. That's more than half a lifetime ago for me. And the, the thing is that, you know, because she's had such an amazing year of firsts, of just saying, you know. Right. I'm completely recreating my life from how it was before. There are lots of, like, little nuggets in here for how you can make sure that you are building out your new beginning, your fresh start. And it might be just a fresh start in one area, or it might be a fresh start after a success. It doesn't have to be after anything goes wrong. But whatever your fresh start is about, we're looking at how we can do that. We have another question, and this was from Jessica, and Jessica says, I'm starting out in a new town with a new job, and I feel like my life is empty. I've been forcing myself to go to public events and parties with work, but that just makes it worse. So, Jessica, first of all, huge congratulations for making the decision to start out in a new town and a new job. Wonderful. Now, let's look at how you say this. I feel that my life is empty. So let's remember that. Yes, that is a feeling. So that feeling is coming from the fact that you haven't yet worked out. How are you going to fill up? And the very first way that we want to always fill up is we want to fill up inside of ourselves first. Often when something happens, like we move away from one place or we move out of a relationship, or someone passes away or a particular dream that we were going for, we're disappointed around it. The reason that it's easy for us to feel empty is because we had a series of pictures going on in our head. A series of pictures that were consistently available to us that said the future is going to look like this. And then you. Maybe you had that before you moved. Maybe you had pictures of what it would be like and what it would feel like. But now we've got to contend with reality. Oh, goodness. Life, Right? So we're contending with reality now. And often reality can kill some of those pictures because we think that we're going to be going for brunch in a gorgeous place with these amazing people, and then we don't meet those amazing people. There's nowhere near us to go for a great brunch. We're asked to work on a Sunday. We can't go Sunday morning. We can't go for brunch anyway. And suddenly the picture is destroyed. And so it does take time to create new pictures and to step into those new pictures. So what I would suggest is, first of all, stop doing things Just for the sake of it. Make sure you don't self isolate. This is true. But ask yourself, what are better places if you're not liking the events and the parties that you're going to? Just say to yourself, how can I get around people so that I'm, you know, making sure I'm involved in life and I'm not just doing life in my head. How can I get around people? But in a way that works better for me. Perhaps you love moving. I know there's a lot of people who love to move their bodies and what they can do is, you know, join a running club or start working out on a climbing wall and then at least you're doing something that you love. Or if you love books rather than just reading at home, why not find out what all the great secondhand bookstores or volunteer if there's like a charity store that has a book section in it and say, hey, you know what? I love books. I can go through these for you. I can price them for you. I can make suggestions. Just ask yourself, what is it that you can do for you from where you sit right now? And then realizing that you're not going to be stuck in that beginner place. The beginner place is just the beginning. Never despise a humble beginning. Everything has humble beginnings. Everything started out with an idea. Things started out with people sitting crying in their car. People. Things started out with people sitting crying on a doorstep. In fact, a lot of things started with people sitting there crying or feeling empty, feeling awful. So the first thing to do is just start dreaming really big and knowing that it's for you. And then, you know, just get onto Google and just look at what's available already. See that? I mean, I've been living in central London now, I think I moved to London about four years ago and I moved to the place I'm in now in Fitzrovia about two years ago. And even last week I found some incredible places that I just didn't know existed. And I keep on finding them. I'm like, I can't believe it. I've been here for two years. And down this tiny little laneway where it looks from the street like nothing is going on. And there's this gorgeous little boutique hotel and oh my goodness, this is like full of incredible art, amazing people. And there's a hotel actually that I've been going to for about a year now. And I, instead of going to the place where I would walk in the door and I would turn right and I would know the places I really liked in it. Instead, I just turned left the other day and there was. Because I thought you turn left and there's just reception there. I didn't know. There is a beautiful bar that's like gold and all these, like, gorgeous, goldy kind of colors. Like, really extraordinary. Absolutely extraordinary. So you just don't know what's out there. But stop doing things dutifully. We're not here to live dutifully. We're not here to live the way you're supposed to, you know, be. Be a good. Could be a good girl and work from 9 to 5 and go for drinks afterwards with these people and eventually something might happen. No, you get to design it. So let's get really excited about that. Elspeth, can you relate to that? Can you relate to that idea of when you first start out, you start with doing kind of dutiful things that don't work so well? Yes, 100%. So when I first started my job, it's very demanding socially. You have to be chatty. You have to talk to everyone. And when I first moved to London, I was deadly shy. Like, did not like meeting new people. I was a mute. So I was completely the opposite of what all my peers around me were. And I just. I felt that if I were myself, people wouldn't like it. People were gonna be, oh, God. Like, it would just. I would say a joke and it would go horribly wrong. And then slowly but surely, I gained the confidence because I got to know everybody who I was talking to. I started being a little bit sassy here and there. Like, now it's a bit out of control, but I was just smiling away there. Because sassy is definite. Definitely a word that suits you. Yes. And people quite liked it and didn't. I didn't get fired for it. And I gained a lot of friends from it. And, yeah, it worked out for the best. But with the whole drinks and everything after work, I don't go to those. But I'm still friends with everybody at work. I just. I want to go home. I want to go to my bed, have a cup of tea. So keeping yourself happy is really important on the road, that you don't have to sacrifice yourself. Yeah. You don't have to sacrifice your sense of what it is that you want to do. Because I'm. I'm as, you know, extremely introvert, and I'm hardly ever out at night, and I'm, you know, I'll be there for a short while, and then I'm usually, you know, the first to leave and that. That's okay that you get to do this journey as you. Yeah, it was like. I watched. This is a bit unrelated, but I watched an interview. Go for it. We love. We love our tangents here on the show. I watched clip with Emilia Clarke and she said, there's nothing wrong with having a Diet Coke at a party because if everybody's drinking, you don't have to join in. And I personally am not a big drinker, and I will have a Diet Coke when I'm out, so, you know, you don't have to join in. Yeah, that you could. Well, it's kind of like setting a new precedent because I don't drink alcohol ever. Haven't done since. Since 2000. I'm probably the only Irish woman over the age of 12. I'm kidding, of course. But. But yeah, I just, I. Throughout the 90s, I was a big whiskey drinker. I was like, anytime I go out, I'd have a straight Jameson. And that was my thing. So it's not like I was never into it. But just one day I decided I was actually living in Hollywood in 2000, and things were going badly wrong. Badly wrong. I mean, and I was just shame spiraling like there was no tomorrow. And I got up the next day and, oh, yeah, and I was dumped as well, unceremoniously, two days before Christmas, if you don't mind. And I said to myself, right, this either has to be assigned to not try, or it is a huge launching platform for a great big beginning. And one of the things that I did was, and you and Amelia would be quite proud of this. I put it on the list saying, you know, what's serving me, what's not serving me? And I realized alcohol wasn't serving me. I had arguments with people. I lost things. I. I didn't feel good while I was drinking. I certainly didn't feel good the day after. And I just found it very easy to give up. I felt a bit weird the first few times going out, but then I didn't. And I now realize that if a. If a. If a room isn't fun enough for me without alcohol, then it's not a fun enough room to be in. And, yeah. That you do get to do it as you. And people aren't really paying attention to what you're doing or not doing. Would you agree with. Yeah, definitely. I remember the first time I kind of went out without alcohol. I still had a lot of fun because, you know, if the people you're surrounded by don't like you when you're not on alcohol. Not people to be around. They're not the right people. And this is the thing that just keeps coming up again and again, that fresh starts and amazing journeys are so about the people that you surround yourself with. And very often a thing that we do is we just take whoever is there or we take whoever has always been there. I remember when I decided when I was 30, so in 2000, just right after that whole incident, did the whole business, got a tattoo, all of that. But also the next thing that I did was I kind of just gently, without making a fuss, said goodbye to a lot, a lot of people and set out on the journey. So more about starting over after these. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's well being. Each show I share the airwaves with ordinary women like me and you doing extraordinary things. Women who've overcome huge obstacles in their lives who are now here with me to empower you on the Radical Wellbeing Show. You'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to Women's Radio Stations supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's womensradio Stn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Welcome to Judy Mayer's Listening. This is the show where you tell me what's happening in your life and I listen and together we transform everything. You know what? It's not just about what we talk about, it's about what you do with what we talk about here on Judy May's Listening. That is the point. The point is that you're here for an hour in order to get a reset every single week, to get inspired, to get motivated, to just get your thinking back on track because we can all kind of succumb to funky thinking and that's what we want to take care of. That is a huge part of supporting women's well being here on WRS on Women's Radio Station. We are here live at noon every single Monday and then you can also listen to the show at midnight and noon every single day as a replay. Stay in touch, contact me at infoudymay. That's J U D Y M A Y tv as in television. So info judymay TV with any questions that you have. And as I mentioned before, we've got loads of new YouTube videos out and also on Instagram, I try and post every single day something that's inspiring. Not just kind of like, oh, here's what I'm doing, but like something super awesome. And sometimes if I'm just having a worky day, I'm like, no, I need to be doing this better. I need to be sitting in a more gorgeous place, drinking a more gorgeous tea. I need to be around some flowers. I need to be around some smiles, some dogs, some great food, whatever it is, just to lift my day. So I can then say to you, hey, ladies, let's remember this is possible. And every time I'm doing anything, when I'm getting dressed in the morning, when I'm reading a book, I'm constantly asking myself the question, is this what I would want for my listeners? Is this what I want for the tribe? And really, what I want for all of us is for us to not just get to better places, but to feel as incredible as possible along the way. And we've been speaking to Elspeth for the last little while here on the show, and some of you are probably wondering, is that the same Elspeth who is your associate producer? Yes, it is. And we designed today like, today. It's not that there was someone else due in, and we put Elspeth in at the last minute. We've been wanting to do this for a very long time, and finally we made it happen. Where, you know, she's not just here as the associate producer of Judy May is listening, but as a. As a person in her own right, if we can put it that way, someone who has a lot of great knowledge to impart. And what I really loved, what you were talking about earlier, Elspeth, was, you know, just talking about how you just had to get away, and you did, and it wasn't easy, and it cost you a lot of money to move away from these people. And it also, you know, you had to do it when it wasn't convenient that you did it a month earlier than you needed to. But you just recognize that this is such a huge part of it. And because there's some women listening right now who are wondering, is this relationship I'm in awful enough I can kind of stand and kind of tolerate it? Maybe I'll wait and I'll leave next year when I have more money. But really what you're saying is that you can't compromise in that way. No, I personally, I did kind of think, oh, I could do this for another year and wait till this person moves out and I'll move in with them. And then I went, nah, bun, that I'm gonna just go find myself a place, live by myself for a while, and then if something else comes up, it'll come up. I just need to get out of here because I don't want to be that person anymore who's sad, who feels bad about themselves, who just. Yeah, I wanted to just be independent and be myself. And so I just went, go away. And off I went. So we've talked a lot about the ditching the negative influences as part of starting out on a path. What about then the positive influences? What about good people like myself? No, I'm kidding. But definitely you. But really, like, because I see you, you know, surrounded by quite a lot of people who have different skill sets to you, who are at a different place in life. And it seems to me like you've created pretty good tribe for yourself. Yeah, I was quite focused on the whole, don't surround yourself by negative people. You know, just really work on yourself for a while. So over, I think it was Christmas, period. This is when I reached out to you, something happened. I felt really upset, and just. I felt like I felt completely broken. And I reached out to you, and you were like, get your life together. And I did. Yeah, absolutely. We were just like, hey, listen, you know what? We've got an opening on the show. We started to talk about the show, started to do everything. That's how I got into doing this. And now I really want to go into radio, and I have more structure and stuff. So things come up as long as you just want it and work on it and reach out to the right people. Reach out to the right people. Don't. You know, it's so easy for someone to offer you something and you to be like, that sounds amazing. This is all gonna work out. And then you get a few red flags here and there, and you ignore the red flags. You ignore the red flags because you're hopeful. But you do have to take in all the signals around you and go, oh, I think this is gonna happen. And of course you're gonna make mistakes. Like, you've got to learn from your mistakes. I think it's one of the best things to happen to me living in a bad place, because it made me realize what I don't want and what I do want. That. Oh, I will never do that again. Yep. The whole, Nope, that's not happening again to me. And, yeah, I think when bad things happen to you, good will come from it. I think there is that element. And when you were talking about red flags there, it sort of reminds me about, you know, Sherry, obviously, you know, was getting some pretty big red flags that she was ignoring in her business. And then Jessica, I imagine, you know, the red flags of, I'm not actually having fun. So Sometimes red flags are, you know, awful people, but sometimes it can just be a not strong feeling. Sometimes a red flag can be something that is so used to what we experienced in childhood that we don't even see it as a red flag, that we are so used to either being ignored or criticized or not being supported that we don't see that as being a problem. We don't see it as being problematic. And that we can. That's really what we need to change. We need to say, right, what is a reasonable expectation that I have for my future? And we can reasonably expect people to treat us well and people to support us. And the more we can get a taste for that, the faster the dream can build. So what would you say, aside from being part of women's radio station and a very much loved part of women's radio station, without giving too much details about your person, what is another way that you have felt included and supported, maybe in friendships or being given other opportunities to get work experience, or how do you feel that you've managed to bring support into your life? I think, yeah, other than, well, friendship was a big one. I think with the whole. When opportunities have arose, it tends to be, I don't see them coming. So somebody will be like, oh, just tell me what you do. Tell me about your life. And I'll just be, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. They'll be like, great, I know somebody and they can help you out. Like when somebody who you know likes you but you. That tends to be when you don't realize what's gonna happen. I know none of this is making sense. No, no, it is. It is. So basically what I'm hearing you say is that. But the opportunities are there. And so it's important for us to get more proactive on seeking out those opportunities. So with sharing yourself more and not waiting for it to happen, not waiting for them to get proactive and say, oh, I know this person, but maybe saying something like, hey, I'm looking to move into film, or I'm looking to move into radio, or I'm looking to expand my design business. Whatever it is for a particular person, if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. I think that's a really good way to phrase it. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. To hear them. Because you're not saying, if you know anybody, you're not. You're not asking for a precious contact. You're not asking them to actually do anything. You're just saying, you know, if anything occurs, I'm open. And it's kind of putting the person in a position of feeling like they are the expert, that you respect them, you respect their ideas. And who doesn't love that? Who doesn't then want to come up with the answer. Right. I definitely found when people who I didn't like would ask me questions about my personal life, I would just kind of, I would keep it very short. But then if it was someone I like, I'd go, oh, I actually do this, I actually do that. Those are the people who are the kindest kind of people because you made friends with them. So you think that about them and opportunities kind of arise from that and you're like, oh my gosh, thank you so much. So if you could go back to that girl of year and a summer ago getting on the bus and if you could sit aside on the bus, aside from don't move in with those toxic people, I would say do it. I'd say go, yeah, okay, interesting. But what else would you say? What kind of advice would you give her for starting out in a new town? So people, when they're starting out in a new way, what have you done that has really worked? I'd say, oh gosh, she's a completely different person to me now. So I would just kind of just say, it's gonna be, it's gonna be fine. Just reassurance. That's important. And learn to say no and learn to be sassy. Oh, how beautiful. Sassy boots on. Don't gonna strut. Oh, I absolutely love it. I absolutely love it. Definitely would be. Yeah. And that's so beautiful what you just said about, you know, that you are gonna grow, you're gonna be really, really different. And that's what I always say about you. Don'. Dream. The dream isn't some diamond encrusted finish line. It's. The dream is a thing that you grow around. Yeah. And. And that maybe on those days where you feel a bit down, you feel tired, you feel disappointed, you feel broke, you feel like it's not working to just say to yourself, yes, it is because you've shown up again. Have you had mornings where you've just been like, well, at least I'm here, at least I'm still in London. I kind of. It didn't hit me about my surroundings, like how far I'd made it until a few months ago and everything had settled down. I kind of went, oh, I'm actually doing alright for myself. So while it was working. You weren't saying, oh, hey, this is working, this is working. But a lot of the time when it was working, you were actually saying, this is wrong. This is awful. I don't know how I'm gonna survive this. I was definitely, it's a lot of adrenaline I was running on. I was just like, go, go, go, go, go. You know, it was just, I didn't have time to think. And then suddenly I was completely tranquil and felt very happy and I went, oh, I'm doing okay. I'm still breathing. Elspeth Proudlock, you are doing more than okay. You're just an absolute joy to be around. And thank you so much for joining us on the show today. And ladies, let's just, let's all be brave. Let's all, figuratively or literally, let's get ourselves on that bus. Let's get ourselves on the better path. And if here on Judy Mae is listening. I, Judy Mae Murphy, can be of service to you in that making sure that you've got more good days than bad, making sure that you remember who you are. Do reach out. We will see you next week here on wrs. Welcome to the women's radio station. Supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website, womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many, many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months, I'll be doing a survey in big brand coffee shops interviewing customers asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a health tip for our listeners. The most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. Stay tuned for further details. Hi I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together with spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity, helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just on.