Judymay Is Listening – Savouring Your Life

Hello everyone and welcome to Judy Mae is listening. I'm Judy Mae Murphy and I'm here today to hear what it is that you have going on in your life. Any disappointments that you have, any challenges, any troubles, your hopes, your dreams, all of that is what we're dealing with in the next half hour. And we have a wonderful guest coming up in the second half of this show. Her name is Lana Citron and she is the author of Edible Pleasures. Now, I'm not going to tell you exactly what it's about. I'm going to tease you with that and going to let her tease you even further with that. It's an extraordinary collection and it has decided the theme of today. The theme today is ways to savor your life. And I love this word savor. It was a word actually that Lana came up with and it's a word that we rarely use. And it really kind of goes deep into what we can enjoy from life, how we can really focus and go deeper and appreciate even the smaller, easier things. Because we're so sophisticated these days, lad, aren't we? We're so fantastically awesome all over the place. And often this can lead to a lot of stress and it can lead to us believing that there are things that we should be doing and has us ignoring the things that we already have and the things that we're already doing. So let's jump straight in with our first question. And by the way, please, please do send me questions through social media. Let me know what it is that's going on for you. And when a relevant theme for a show comes up that corresponds to your question will absolutely answer your question. And you get to stay completely anonymous. So it's absolutely safe for everybody. So our first question that we have coming in, this is from Mary in Dublin. And Mary says, I have a young child, great relationships and a part time job that I love. But I feel so discontent. I always want more. I've always been this way. I wanted to get into a prestigious university and once I did get in, I spent my whole time anxious about getting a good enough, getting a good, a good enough job on graduation. And this is something, I'm sure we can all relate to that if we were to put on paper the things that we feel absolutely amazing about, we can kind of on paper see that things aren't that bad and yet our focus is completely pulled to the things that aren't working and the things that we don't have yet. And that's part of our brain looking after us Our brain's job is to make sure that we survive, not to make sure that we have an excellent time. That is our job to tell our brain that that's what it needs to do, that's what it needs to compute for us. But the basic of our brain is just to keep us alive so we're actually very healthy. Mary when we're looking at what's next, what might be wrong, what's around the corner, what do I not yet have? That is your brain looking after you. So job number one, thank your brain. Say to your brain, thanks for taking such good care of me and now I'm choosing to feel better. I can let you know that I'm not going to suddenly crash and burn just because I haven't got the next best thing. And then often we can feel that a little bit guilty feeling that, oh gosh, I have these great things that so many other women want and I'm just not appreciating them. I just don't feel gratitude for it. Especially as these days in the self help world and out there in the world in general, on Instagram, on all social media, you have this word gratitude pretty much blowing up in our faces all the time and people saying, oh, you know what, you gotta get an attitude of gratitude. In fact, that's something that our next, the person who wrote in mentions this fact that we're supposed to be feeling grateful all the time. And how do we feel grateful when we just don't feel grateful? How can we start to feel a way that we just don't feel yet? And so Mary, what I would say is this, that really the first thing it's about is about focus. So saying to yourself, could there be five minutes in each day where I take someone or something and I just look at that and I just really appreciate it. I just notice things. So don't start wanting to feel incredible and wanting to feel really grateful and really filled up. Instead just start to have a look and see, gosh, what is my child doing? How cute is that? How awful is that? Or how awfully cute is that? And then taking it to the next level of you know what else is amazing about that? And really getting curious and getting focused about the things in our lives and not trying to skip to feeling incredible immediately. And you'll find that the more you pay attention to that, you pay attention to your part time job. What about that do you really like? Are there little pockets during your working day where you feel, you know what, I like doing this, this is good. What Is it you could do to increase that? Is it that you could maybe let go of some of the work that doesn't feel so good and start to do more of the stuff that does feel good. But when we are just sort of rushing through and crashing through every day, we don't take the time to savor these things that are. Again, it's not about suddenly turning into some goddess diva who's awesome at doing everything. You're supposed to be like, kick ass at making money, and now you're supposed to be fantastically spiritual. It's not about that. It's about slowing it down, paying attention and just noticing what's lovely about this, what's great about this. Our second email comes in from a woman who didn't actually give her her first name, even so. And I don't even know where she's from, but that's okay. She had one of these kind of more, well, shall we say an email address that gave less information. That's absolutely fine. If you want to just send it in that way, that's cool too. And she said, I feel so jealous of women who can afford loads of makeup, loads of makeup and amazing clothes and post photographs of their juice or Starbucks every day. I feel like I'm living back in the 1970s. It makes me angry when self help gurus tell me that an attitude of gratitude is key. So there's that idea that you have a feeling of, this isn't okay, this should be much better, and I'm supposed to feel grateful for this. And as women, it's very important that we do look at this issue because very often we, in relationships and in the job market and with our families of origin and the community at large, we're made to feel that we have to be grateful for crumbs. So, you know, that kind of cliche of, you know, the mother who sits down and eats the burnt bit of the dinner and not as much of it and gets to eat last maybe when her dinner's cold and that somehow that is supposed to be okay? Well, this is what we need to look at, is when is it gratitude and when is it just being grateful for crumbs, which is not okay. And what we have to ask ourselves is, is this the best that I can expect from my life right now? And then how can I make that better? Because maybe right now, if you've had a disappointment in your life, maybe your business went bust, or maybe you have just been separ. Or perhaps you've just come out of college and you weren't making money. So perhaps that thing about not having the different material things that you want, maybe that's just for now. And when we can realize that this isn't forever, it's not permanent, and it certainly isn't going to be something that we're stuck with, then we can relax a little bit more and say, well, and what is good about this temporary situation? But it's when we believe that the situation isn't temporary, when we believe that this situation is going to go on and on forever and this is going to be our life, that's when it's harder to get that attitude of gratitude. And I don't think it's even helpful to do that in that moment. In that moment, maybe it's helpful to get angry and to say, you know what? I'm sick of this, I'm tired of this, I want to change this and I want to change it now. Right? How can I do that and use the energy that comes with anger? But this idea that as women we're supposed to get back to lovely as quickly as possible and not be in the less so called attractive states of anger or upset or frustration, that's something that we need to just kind of reteach the world. That that's not what we're about. We're not about suppressing what we're really going through and what we're really feeling in order that other people can experience us as somehow more elegant or something that's nicer for them to be around. So what I would say to you is, great, feel jealous, you know, realize that what that's doing is, that's sending a message that you want more. But then take it to the next level instead of staying in that jealousy and just feeling it and becoming disempowered and despondent around it. Instead, ask yourself, well, what can I do to make that mine? I really want it. How can I take that yearning, that desire, that drive and turn that into practical action? Who can I ask? How can I retrain? Who can I talk to? What can I be done? Because we are never stuck. We often feel stuck, but we are never actually stuck. And so when we start to say to ourselves, what would be a better question for me to ask? How could I bring this to the next level? So with our two questions from Mary and from our mystery guest, there's something that I noticed for both of them. This feeling that somehow things aren't okay, and that we're somehow supposed to be feeling grateful for less than we think that we're due. So I think it's really useful to look at what exactly gratitude is. Gratitude isn't supposed to be a feeling of wonder and awe and celebration. Gratitude is really a feeling of support. It's a feeling of, you know what? I've got this thing in my life, and this thing is looking after me. So it's not like, oh, my goodness, I've got this shitty, awful lipstick and a shade that I hate. Yay, fantastic. Because that is just not realistic. Instead, it's, you know what? Right now I've got a lipstick, and this isn't going to be the last lipstick in my life, and it's going to be better. And in fact, I've got a store nearby that if I really want to, I can go into it and I can use the testers and I can put on a different shade of lipstick in the morning. But right now, I'm supported by this lipstick, at least in a very basic way. And the same thing for everything. You know, you might not have the job that you want, okay, but at least I can put food in my mouth, and I've got some kind of a roof over my head and at every single level. And I know some of you listening are operating at a very high level, you know, where you're financially free and you can have all the material things that you want. And for you, it might be something like, you don't like a certain friend's attitude toward you. You can say to yourself, well, at least, you know what? I have friends or I have places I can go to meet people and make new friends, and I can feel supported by that. So just asking ourselves, you know, how am I being supported here in this world? Is a really great way to start to be able to savor the fact that we're not alone, we're not abandoned. Even, you know, listening to Judy Mayes. Listening is a way that you can let yourself know that you are heard, that you do matter, that you are appreciated, that your hurts aren't there to hurt you. They're there to be solved and for you to move on. And I'm really honored to be a part of that. And I'm also really excited because after the break, we're going to be meeting Lana Citron, who I've known for a very long time, and we're going to be talking to Lana about more ways that we can savor the world without having great big breakthroughs or really fancy things happening to us. So just have a little look at your life and just notice now, how is it that you're supported? And when we come back after the break, we're going to be looking at some surprising and new ways that we can add to that. Talk to you soon from all the presenters and the team behind Women's Radio Station. Thank you for listening. You've been the most amazing audience with your sparkling enthusiasm and support. So from our hearts, we would like to wish you a very merry Christmas and a wonderful new year full of joy and surprises. Hi, I'm Lara Haims, founder and designer of Lara Haims Jewelry. I make luxurious jewelry at affordable prices using silver, semi precious stones and high quality triple a cubic zirconia. It's elegant, stunning, stylish and long lasting. Who needs diamonds? Find us at House of Fraser stores or Ella Boutique Night. If not, Visit us at www.laraheems.com. make a statement and sparkle this season. Hi, my name is Michelle Bartlett, the founder of Live Laugh Love Ladies Club. We're looking for ladies to link arms across the globe. This is a new vibrant brand connecting women socially. Our club members enjoy great food, fun and inspiring speakers while making friends of all generations. If you're a social butterfly in your community, this fast growing franchise may be for you. Or we invite companies to advertise within our close network of members. Please visit LiveLaughladies Club. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help visit turntous.org.uk Let me tell you about Jermyn Street Theatre. This is a secret theatre in the heart of the West End. Once found, never forgotten. This is where careers ignite, where playwrights take risks, where great actors perform just feet away from the audience. This is where magic happens. We would love you to join our mailing list or become a sponsor or just buy a ticket to one of our shows. The website is www.germanstreettheatre.co.uk. Women's radio station is a not for profit, community interest company. Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. And welcome back to Judy Mae is Listening. And what I'm hearing from you this week is that oftentimes you're feeling a little bit disappointed with your life. You're feeling that there are some good things and you're just not appreciating those good things. What I'm hearing is that you're wondering, are you ever going to get filled up? Are you ever going to get that sensation of satiation, of just, you know, life is good and I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm celebrated, I'm moving forward. Is that click ever gonna come? And we have someone who I just absolutely adore. I have known this lady for a very long time, since we were in university together, in fact. And I'm so excited by her new book, Edible Pleasures. So welcome to Lana Citron. Thank you very much. It's a pleasure to be here. Lana, tell me, what made you write this extra extraordinary book that is just. I'd say it's just dripping with gorgeousness. It's just. It has so much texture to it. It just feels like a very, very rich experience. Thank you very much. I was drawn to write this particular book following on from a book I wrote about the kiss. And you know me very well, I find the kiss mesmeric. The gesture, the potency of it. And whilst I was researching the kiss, I came across a quote from Freud. And he was likening the kiss and human desire to a baby suckling its mother. And that how adult desire can. It comes from that. And then another psychoanalyst, Adam Phillips, he said, well, we can reverse that and say that eating anything that we eat is like a kiss, symbolizes a kiss. Oh, I love that. And I was smitten by that. And I was just thinking, oh, my goodness, everything I drink, I'm drinking kisses, I'm drinking love, I'm slathering kisses on my toasts in the morning. You know, I'm spooning kisses into my. Anyway, so I fell in love with that. And I thought it was a natural progression to following the book on the kiss, to then write about aphrodisiacs. And it opened up a whole world, a whole world of edible pleasures. Oh, my goodness. And you are someone who just delights in everything. And I've noticed that not just with food, but I've noticed that you delight in a phrase, you delight in a person, you delight in a piece of sunlight that you really seem to be seeing things that feed your soul everywhere, all the time. Thank you again. Yes. Just listening to the problems that were sent into you. I do delight in very small things. So one of the most profound feelings for me is love. And the Manifestation of that daily basis at the moment is when I go to collect my little boy from school, and I can see when he comes running down, the parents stand outside in the schoolyard, and through the glass doors, I can see all the kids coming. And sometimes our eyes catch each other and his face lights up and he sends me a big wave and I just melt. And for me, just having experienced that tiny moment fills me up with joy. It's just so wonderful. And then do you notice other parents perhaps missing that wave, missing that moment with their own kids? I think so many times. I mean, I, too, we're so wrapped up in our own problems, in our own heads, and we're not actually. We become trapped within ourselves. And so it's trying to stay open and to look around and to slow down, maybe slow down and get off the conveyor belt of aspiration, or you have to have this. Or the social pressures that life puts on you all the time. Consistently. Yeah. And we're not saying to abandon that altogether. That's a part of it. But just when that becomes too dominant, then we can miss out on these other things that are available all the time. All the time. Now, when I think of aphrodisiacs, I sort of think of things like oysters and champagne. And a lot of women, particularly our second person who wrote in, saying, well, I don't even have the niceties that I would consider basics that most women have. What are aphrodisiacs to me, what would you say to that lady? Well, this, basically, it's very interesting because again, every. Almost every food has. There's been a claim that it is aphrodisiacal. Okay. Or it has the powers. So whether it's the mind, whether it's in one's mind that you impose upon something this quality of almost a magical quality. Yes. What was interesting was that, so across the world, maybe some type of food is very mundane, whereas it's completely exotic in another. What would be an example of that? So one very basic food which is one of the most potent aphrodisiacs is the humble egg. So you can go from the humble hen's egg all the way to sturgeon's caviar. Right. Which is, you know, highly expensive. But an egg is a symbol of fertility. It's one of the most potent symbols of fertility. So there are lots of recipes that use eggs. Eggs, honey and milk and bread are three or four very basic foods that we probably all have in our shelves, on our shelves in the kitchen. And they are all. They are prob. Aphrodisiacs. In the Kama Sutra, there is only one recipe that does not contain milk and honey and eggs. We are never going to look at our kitchen cupboards again. The same. Exactly. How fantastic. The bare, naked essentials. And whilst I was researching the book, I came across. I don't know if I can. Just an incredible quotation and I'd love to read it if. Oh, lovely. Yes, please do. Please share with us. So this is a classical quote and it goes from the writer Fageon. I would often ask her, says Fagellon, being of an inquisitive turn of mind. Mother, what have you got for dinner today? Bread, cheese and kisses. She would reply merrily. Then I knew that one of my favorite dishes was sure to be on the table and I rejoiced accordingly. And to this day, bread and cheese and kisses bears for me in its simple utterance, a sacred and beautiful meaning. It means contentment, it means cheerfulness. It means the exercise of sweet works and gentle thought. It means home. And for me, home just anchors everything. This sense of contentment, of being okay with everything. I feel at home. I'm at home within myself. And again, there is really nothing better than a beautiful piece of bread, fresh bread, or even a batch loaf. I used to as a kid love the ends of the batch loaf because it was double thickness and I could spread loads of butter on it. But whatever satisfies you is, you know, it doesn't have to be fancy. And that is a feeling that so many women are missing, a feeling of just being home, that this is it. And it's more than enough that I don't need anything outside, I don't need to go anywhere, I don't need to bring in anything extra extraordinary or difficult from the outside, but I'm just. I'm fully supported. And that we can get that feeling just from something as simple as a piece of bread. Exactly. Fantastic. And what would you say was the most surprising thing that you discovered while you were writing the book? I think for me, that the universality of aphrodisiacs. There is no culture in the world that does not use aphrodisiacs. It's incredible. And it's all about fertility, fecundity. But for men and women. Men and women use it differently for different purposes. So for men, it's about maintaining an erection and for increasing the size. Potency and power. Yeah, potency and power. And for women, it's about being fertile and also about enticing. And entrapping a mate and continuing to keep the pleasure alive as well. And just. And for women who maybe don't want to have children or don't have children or can't have children, we've got to emphasize the fact that when we talk about fertility, we're not just talking about the womb, we're talking about the woman as a whole. Exactly. Yes. Just to be alive with someone and actually the way that people eat, they eat together. And that's about communicating. And that's when we feel most alive, when we feel love, when we are open. There's nothing more basic and wonderful than eating with people. Wonderful. So this thing that we might have been discounting before, as I'm just sitting here with my kid having toast, suddenly we can see, well, that's everything. When we actually give it that focus and we allow that moment to support us and we can see the beauty in it and understand everything that we need is in that moment. That, that can be actually a life changing moment. Yes. I remember one of the first meals. Well, that were profound in my own life. Okay. Moments of deep love. And it was just white bait and eggs and, you know, something very simple. And from that came a whole lifetime of love. And anyway, thank you, Lana Sitton so much. And Lana's book Edible Pleasures is out now with Eyewear Publications, that fantastic publication company. Check out all their books. They really are extraordinary. And wishing you all a day of feeling fully supported and knowing that where you're at now is more than enough. It doesn't mean that you have to stay there. It certainly doesn't define you. It doesn't mean that you are expected to just stay in the that spot and not make things even more amazing for yourself. But also it is a chance, just as Lana was saying, to breathe, to slow down, to remind yourself that you are loved, that love is available at all times and that as a woman you know, continue to grow more fertile, more creative and receive and give to the world. So talk to you very soon on Judy Mae is listening. Women's radio station is looking forward to a great 2019 with more shows coming your way. All the presenters and the team behind each program would like to say a big thank you for listening. We are the voice of women worldwide and we cannot be without you. The journey has just begun with more exciting programs soon to be revealed. Women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. I'm Isabelle Manevy, an executive coach. Do you want to change a negative into a positive? We can do this by coaching you to rewire your brain using simple visualization techniques. In 20 years of practice, I've seen this transform lives. For more information, look on Women's Radio website. Call me on 079-8442, 2171. I'm listening. Mirae B Ltd. We are a virtual PA consultancy. We provide remote administrative offering is diverse. We manage your calendar, we update your client database, we take care of your property in France and in London. We also offer bookkeeping and translation services. Would you like to know more? Please call 077-868-4-8998 for further information. Mirae B Limited making the life of the Business owner successful do you need mediation? We are the A Project charity. We provide convict resolution and community engagement services. Our services include community mediation for neighbour disputes, family mediation for separating couples, special education needs for parents, carers and their children and young adults, as well as workplace mediation and restorative services. To find out more head to womensradiostation.com or theaproject.co.uk let me tell you about Jermyn Street Theatre. This is a secret theatre in the heart of the West End. Once found, never forgotten. This is where careers ignite, where playwrights take risks, where great actors perform just feet away from the audience. This is where magic happens. We would love you to join our mailing list or become a sponsor or just buy a ticket to one of our shows. The website is www.germanstreettheatre.co.uk Women's radio station is a not for profit community interest company. Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate simply head to our website. Every little will help.