Love Lessons – Attracting Real Love

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live here in the studio in Covent Garden. We're airing on women's radio station and men's radio station and I'm delighted, as always, to have you tuning in. This is a show, if you've never tuned in before, where we talk about everything from dating relationships to healing heartbreak to navigating divorce and perhaps starting over again as a confident single. So welcome, welcome, welcome. Today we've got a really lovely show. We're going to be discussing, okay. Attracting a loving relationship with the wonderful Kenny Mamarella d'. Cruz. And he is a personal development coach. He helps men mainly understand their past so they can move forward and navigate a future that they absolutely adore. And it's a really special show for me and hopefully for Kenny because we're actually celebrating our one year friendversary tomorrow. Tomorrow. And we're also having Kenny on the show because last time he was. I can't believe it. We were talking all things international men's day, which it is tomorrow. So welcome to Kenny. Thank you. Happy anniversary. Happy friendversary. I love hanging out with you. And do you know what? Since last year and coming on your show, they gave me my own show. It did. Yeah. That's all thanks to you. How did that. How did that come about? I never asked. I was just like, that's cool. Yeah. Do you know, I never really thought about it, but when they launched the men's radio station, I think I was the second guest on the first show with Russ Kane. Right. And a little while after, they said, do you want a show? And I said, yeah, I want to be just like Sarah Louise. You flew, Zo. Well, I have been practicing. Yeah. And that was that. And what's your show all about? Just so everyone who hasn't tuned in before has a good take on it. Yep. It's Thursdays at 2 and it's about, well, being. So in essence, it's men's stories and what's made them the man they are today. The breakdown, the breakthrough, the purpose and the expression in life. Plus, on a regular basis, I think it's every other week we have a live men's group. So that's a group of men hanging out. I think that shows two hours and you get to see what men talk about in the room when there are no women there. Sharing our deepest, darkest, our greatest joys, our fears, our loves, our laughs and the rest. You know, I have tuned into that and I find it really impressive and also empowering. Nevermind gender, but just for someone who's listening in the way you allow someone to hold their own space and also collaborate their thoughts with other people who are going through something similar or have been there. And I just think it's amazing that there are more things out there for men to communicate or at least navigate the path to getting good at communication. And, you know, one thing I was thinking this morning on my way here is that the show that you and I did this time last year, and we'll do a snapshot of what that was all about a little bit later on, was one of the most insightful, like we are now, conversational shows to date. And I think that you really help people to be their most authentic selves. Is that fair? I hope so. So for those of you that are taking the time to tune in, I just want to give you a snapshot of what this whole show is about. So Kenny and I are going to be discussing dating and attracting a loving relationship. How does that look? How do we communicate in dating? What does the modern world of dating look like, in Kenny's opinion? And how can we connect better, more deeply, more authentically? We're going to move on to what a good, solid, communicative relationship looks like, because I do believe that relationships are Kenny's absolute forte. And then if you're still with us a little later on in the show, we're gonna be talking about the changes over that we've seen in our spaces in this industry and the way people communicate today, what they could do better, what has improved and what maybe has not, and how people can work with Kenny. So first and foremost, Kenny, you're gonna be on the expert panel over at Staycations next week, and you said that you are going to hold a talk which is all about what? Attracting love. Which part of you attracts love? Actually, which part of you attracts love? What does that mean? So the part of me, I've been in a relationship, I don't know, 17 years or something, no idea. Long time. And before that, the part of me that wasn't attracting love was the part that was chasing love and putting it in the future and maybe wanting a better half rather than being whole, maybe wanting someone to be responsible or the custodian of all my love, rather than me owning my love and sharing my love with everyone rather than just one safe person. So the part of me that does not attract love is the part that might be fearful of vulnerability, fearful of commitment, fearful of rejection, abandonment, humiliation, etc, etc. The part of me that does attract Love is the part of me that's real about who I am. Love, fear, warts and all, and accepts myself and loves myself and accepts what is, accepts the my past, my present, accepts being out of control. And once I can accept all of that, not only am I here and now, rather than in fear and fantasy, which is not here and now, but if I'm here and now and I'm open to love and I'm being loved, then I'm available to love. Then I'll notice when I attract friends, relationships, the perfect partner. But if I'm all in fear and pushing it in the future and working on myself to be good enough. And this is where, for example, I feel social media's got a lot to answer for because I feel that so much of social media is people proving that they're good enough and wanting to be good enough to take part in connection and love rather than actually right here and right now. Not only am I good enough, but it's not an issue. You know, a moment ago when you were saying about attracting love and abundance of friends and all different types of, I guess, relationships into your life, the way that kind of resonated with me and what I was hearing was kind of being in flow state. Yeah. You know, where it's not just attracting good relationships and love and communicating confidently because you're in the flow, but you're also attracting all sorts of great things and it feels like everything is going right for you when you're in that space. Yeah. So that was just my thoughts. I don't know what the listeners think, but certainly resonated with me as being in flow state earlier on. You just mentioned about chasing love and looking for a whole person to kind of be everything at all times to one person. Do you think that when we're chasing love and not attracting it, that we're in a space of denial to our own accountability to love? Wow, that's an interesting way of putting it. Denial to our own accountability. That has to be a yes, because that's what I was thinking. It's what I was hearing is like, okay, well, if I'm chasing love and it and all types of relationships and everything is energy and everything is love or lack thereof, and if I'm chasing and I'm stuck and I feel like I'm not moving forward, I'm attracting all the wrong people, or I'm not attracting anyone at all, am I in denial about what I can do to attract love? And am I therefore not also being accountable to what I need My desires. I would put it this way. Stepping into here and now, into vulnerability, which is for me not about weakness, it's about power and it's about availability. Stepping into that is being available. Chasing it forces it to run. Chasing it is I want to want to be in love, but I'm not ready yet. I'm not good enough yet. I'm scared it's going to go. And when it goes, then I'm not sure that I'll be able to survive it. And again, it gets into a fantasy of if I find it, it'll go, then it'll hurt, then I won't be able to survive it. And I'm going to protect myself from all of this. Therefore, I'll be seen to chase it, I'll be seen to want it. But no, this is too scary. A lot of people tend to, and I see it and I've heard it from clients, from friends, from people that send in questions around dating and relationships. I do often see a pattern around romanticizing relationships and how they could or should in one's mind look. However, thinking about the overarching relationship is the fantasy that you were talking about. But when it gets to the reality of meeting people on dates, a lot of single professionals that I coach or work with or I'm approached by seem to be thinking about that end goal and they are missing being present with the person in front of them on a date. It's almost like a cheap sales pitch. If I second guess who this person wants me to be and I can be that, then this person won't abandon me. But even in that thought, I've already abandoned myself because I'm coming from am I rather than I am? Am I good enough? Am I going to be abandoned? Am I going to be what they want? Etc. Etc. And it's handing power over to the outside, which leaves that individual totally out of this relationship, out of their own life. Where I am is this is who I am right here and now. That might change by the end of the thought, but this is who I am and I'm available for connection. And I can connect to you from my center, I exist. And from my existence I can connect to you. And you've got someone to fall in love with. Kenny. I feel like I'm here in a meditative state talking to you. And it's never the case where I feel like I'm interviewing you. I always feel like I'm in conversation with Kenny Marmorella d', Cruz, the Man Whisperer. It's the best Isn't it? It's so great. Absolute best. For those of you just tuning in, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm here live on Love Lessons with the Man Whisperer. We're talking all things attracting love. And after the break, we're gonna get to grips with passing over power and what that looks. Step into our power and attract love. We'll be back. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio station supporting women's wellbeing. And we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing show supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you, who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silenced by stigma or crushed by steriotime, and who are taking back their power. And together, our mission is a simple one and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate. And you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of Compassion, listening, caring and empowering. At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more at nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadio station. That's WomensRadio stn or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hello, Sarah Louise Ryan here and welcome back to Love Lessons live here in the studio in London. If you're tuning in a little bit later on across the pond. Hello from the uk. I'm here with the wonderful Kenny Mamarella d'. Cruz. Kenny is the man whisperer. He has been in the date well in the industry of communication, well being and mental health I guess for almost 20 years. Is that right? I've been holding men's groups for 20. It'll be 20 years next year. 20, 20. 20 years. Men's groups. I think it's about 27, 28 when I started running groups when I lived in Sydney. But I've been doing this work since the late 80s. Fair to say you know your stuff. I've been around. I know my annuals. Thank you for being on the show. If you're just tuning in just before the break or you're back with us. We were talk things dating and chasing love and what does it mean to be present and stop romanticizing this fantasy of a relationship that is ideal but really being present with the people that you're meeting that you're. That you're dating that you're attracting or lack thereof. And Kenny and I just touched on passing over power. What did that mean to you when you said that? Kenny? Two things. Number one is I need to be saved. I need someone to love. I need to engage with someone. And so much of this pain can be I need to find someone to make me okay, to make me good enough. And he or she had better be good for my brand because I need people to think that I'm worthwhile and my worth will come from the person on my arm. And none of that has got much to do with love at all. That's a save me and that's Just not fair. That's not what healthy, sustainable, enlivening relationships are made of. And that is the dark side. That's the shadow, the dark shadow of love, the gold shadow of love is I am so ready to share my fears and fantasies, my love and pain, my truth, my pathway, my family, my aging, my being a parent, etc, etc, with someone who is walking his or her path and living that daily life. It's not all, you know, sitcoms and TV shows. There's a reality to being in a relationship that people can fantasize away from and shy away from. And one of my favorite things, actually this is the second thing that I do that crossed my mind. One of my favorite things is turning boys into men so the men can attract a woman to actually be in love with and share love with and die to love with. Because what could be, you know, I have done bungee jumping and shark feeding and fire walking and jumped out of planes and all those kind of things. And it's a walk in the park compared to being in love. That is scary and also very, very true. And it takes a lot of vulnerability, bravery, boldness and courage to take that step and just be present and be your most authentic self and attract love and give love a chance. There are a lot of people out there who do, you know, attract a potential loving relationship into their lives and they manage to self sabotage in a way where they push it away. Yeah, I mean, before you get into that, I wanted to ask you a very quick question before you talked about passing over power. Remember what we were just saying, by the way, about self sabotage before you were talking about, you know, wanting to be saved is a passing over power. And it got me to thinking, what about those people out there who are dating others who are used to being the saver, the person that saves another. Is that about control? That used to be my addiction. And the reason it was my addiction, not that I meant to be addicted to it, but I was the eldest son of my mother. I was loved by my mother, my godmother, my grandmother, the golden boy, et cetera. And I, I got used to being responsible for their emotions in a way. I got used to being at their service to protect them from pain, to not be like the men that they complain about. So I wasn't really part of the men, I wasn't really part of the women. I was Ken, the plaything for the girls, just like Barbie. So you were adhering to other people's needs all the time and I guess not really being in denial of your own needs? Well, to an extent, yeah. And also from such an early. And this is by no means criticism of what was. That's just. That was the way that my family expressed love. That was the situation we were in. And I got used to taking care of people. I knew how to do it. I got used to listening, I got used to understanding, and I got used to playing that role. And then I needed to notice how good I was at giving love, but how scared I was at receiving love, having needs. And if I'm not listening and saving and giving love, if I'm not providing something to this person or this community, then they might notice that there's nothing in it for them and I might be charged. So it's almost as if it turned into a control game. And to be in love is to give and receive love. And does that mean in those instances that you just mentioned, does that mean that at that time you personally didn't know your own worth around love? I did what I knew best from my perspective, and I needed. Somehow I realized my needs weren't being met. I realized that the same old script, you know, with everyone I work with, there is a script that keeps repeating, a life script. There are relationship scripts that keep repeating. There are certain personality types that keep repeating. They might be different people, but it's the same old personality. Yes. And I thought, okay, this is what's going on. What am I gonna do about it? Because the best that I'm allowing while being in control. And very often control's the name of the game. It's the addiction. If I'm in control, no one can hurt me. So the best that I could do while being in control was the best that I'd achieved or experienced in the past. And that wasn't enough. So obviously the only way out is to be sensibly out of control. You're so right. And just a couple of days ago, just listening to you is. It just really resonates with something I've been talking about quite a lot recently. Just a couple of days ago, I was chatting with somebody about always attracting the same kind of personality, the same type of relationship or situationship that isn't serving to them. And the whole conversation that was had around that is comfort. And you know you're in control because you know how this works out. Even if it doesn't work out. You know the rulebook, you know how to survive it. Would rather attract the same old thing, be a victim to it. Yes. And survive it, because I know how to do that and I'm in control rather than, for example, and this isn't necessarily the case. If I am used to attracting angry women, then maybe it's because I am disowning my own anger. And usually anger is a protector of sadness. So maybe I'm not going into my sadness or into my anger so I'm forcing someone else to do it for me. Or maybe I had an angry father or mother or teacher at school that had a big impact on me. So I'm back in that place reliving that because that's who I think I am and I haven't got over that. So earlier on I cut you off to ask you that important question. But what were you going to say about eradicating, I think self sabotaging behaviors? What were you going to say? This is what I probably do more with my private clients than anything. And it sets them free, not only in love, but in every aspect of life. Setting them free. What a lovely thing. Yeah, yeah. And it's what everyone wants. But how can anyone possibly see themselves from the outside, Right? It doesn't make sense. I can only see myself in the world from my perspective unless someone shows me another perspective. So I hold a space where people. It's chair work. Officially it's something called voice dialogue that I've adapted. And in essence I get to speak with different parts of a person. And the pattern generally is there is a protector, a protecting part of a person. You know, we have an inner protector, an inner critic, an inner pusher, an inner child, an inner this, that and the other. Luckily I have inner DJs and my God, we get funky sometimes. But I get them to know the inner protector that generally owns their life and keeps them safe. The inner protector is about safety and survival and life can be about safety and survival. And the only reason the inner protector owns them is because there isn't an inner man or an inner woman that they know to work with. The protector is to survive the past and keep surviving in the present, where the inner man or woman is to move into the present and create the future. Now, the inner protector generally shows up when they were a child and their spirit was broken. Maybe they were bullied or there was a divorce or something or other happened and they weren't taken care of and protected. So the protector shows up and at some level they remain this surviving child, protecting and surviving because there isn't a man to meet the world and relate forward, move into love. So if this adult part isn't there to fall in love with. Then at some level, at some time in the relationship, they would be handing their child over to the new partner and saying, take care of this child, take care of this part of me. It needs to feel safe, it needs to feel loved. And then we go into a mummy saving a little boy or a daddy saving a little girl. Now, there's nothing wrong having child, child, adult, adult, adult, father and daughter, mother and son, those four within a relationship. But if it's stuck in one or lacking one, then there's an imbalance. Really interesting about how the past can affect how we see the future and it can determine an outcome if we don't take care of it. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the radical well Being show Supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes and who are taking back their power. And together, our mission is a simple one. And that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate. And you can listen to my show get your booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with the theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to Tell us about. Get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing birth? We offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's radio station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio Station, that's Women's Radio Stn or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back. I am Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons live here in the studio in Covent Garden. I am here with a wonderful man whisperer, Kenny Mamirella d'. Cruz. And we left you on a bit of a cliffhanger, talking about being courageous and being brave and how different dynamics in the past affect how we see the present and, you know, feel like we can predict our future and how Kenny shake all of that stuff up. So this whole show is about attracting love, getting to grips with the things that hold us back from love. And the next question I've got for Kenny. Welcome back, Kenny, by the way. Thank you. Is how can we attract a loving relationship in this modern world of meeting? Do you know, in the old days there were village dances, church halls, glances as people pass each other in the streets. These days there are no glances when people pass each other in the street. Everyone's looking at their app and probably swiping right or left. It's just like, where is there the space? Up and forward, up and down. Yeah, yeah. It's ridiculous. Things have changed and for me this isn't logical, it's just not. Like we said earlier, the best that I could possibly manifest in my life while being in control is the best of what I've had in the past. So why bother? I want more. I will always want more. So what am I going to do differently? Well, I guess all I can do is update my beliefs about myself and be present, available and respond where in the past I was trying to Fix as boys do. I was surviving and I wasn't really noticing not only what life was bringing me, but my needs. I really want to dive in and ask you a very quick question on that. At first you need to acknowledge that things need to be done differently. How can we step again out of that denial stage and phase to acknowledge and say something's got to give? Because a lot of people struggle to come unstuck from that stuck feeling. And how can we switch up someone's mindset to just think, actually you are in control and you can change things up? How can we get them to that stage before they get onto the practical tip of attracting love? Well, the most important language that I believe needs to be heard is the language of the mind. What am I thinking? What am I saying to myself? How am I judging myself? Because I believe that life will treat me in the way that I treat myself. And if I treat myself with criticism, then I demand that life shows me that I'm right to criticize myself. If I treat myself with hope, with availability, with respect, with a sense of adventure in the present, then I've got a good hope. If I'm determined to prove myself right, that it's a nasty world out there and I dare not take part for fear of being hurt or for fear of being hurt again, then do I really want to prove that to myself? And what's that costing me? Would I rather be wrong about that and be in love, or would I rather be right about that and prove that it's just not worth taking the risk? So listen to what your mind is saying, because I guarantee that a lot of it might have been true in the past because of whatever situation it could be in childhood, but maybe it's not true now. Maybe it's time to update what you believe about yourself, update what you believe about the world and notice with this simple updating of what's true and what's happening right or what could happen right now, notice who is attracted and what is attracted because you have the power. I have the power to demand love. So. And I love that, by the way. So it's really just being really clear in the knowledge and safe in the knowledge that one is has the power to attract abundance of anything. Exactly. Stepping out of the idea of being a victim or proving oneself right, it's okay to be wrong. Because wouldn't we want to prove ourselves wrong about the ideas of the world being awful and everyone being awful and that all the good ones are taken and all of that stuff? Exactly. Meanwhile, Wouldn't it be normal and responsible of a good protector to say, don't listen to any of that? No way. You do not need to go through that pain and heartache and hurt. And let's face facts, if you go through hurt again, you may not survive it. So who's going to be in charge? The protector or the adult with a pure heart that's willing to die to love and come alive on the other side? Because love is not all a bed of roses. Love is a journey. Life is a journey and it's about taking part with all of it. And energetically speaking, how much energy does it drain from the search for that person? If you're telling yourself and creating these stories in your mind about what could go wrong or should happen or shouldn't happen, rather than letting the present be, you're taking so much energy away from, okay, how am I gonna be practical? How am I gonna put my positive pants on? And how am I gonna get myself out there? If I'm sat there, you know, with my glass of wine, you know, kind of boo hooing, boo hoo, wallowing in, I guess, for lack of a better term right now, self pity around the search for a partner, then how much energy is that draining for me? Do you know also, as you say, that I kind of wonder, would I rather be in pain alone with the fear of my pain here and now because I'm causing the pain right now, thinking, or would I rather take part in love? And if pain comes, which it will, then accept pain because pain is part of life and it's just that very saying about how it's better to have loved and lost than to never. Exactly. I mean, I haven't heard or thought about that saying for a very long time, but what you're saying really resonates with that, right? Yeah. Yeah. Before you came live on air, Kenny and I chatting as ever. We're talking just before we came on the show and you mentioned about creating lists about attracting a partner. Can we touch on that? It's so easy to write a list of this is what I want from a partner. He or she has to be this, this, this, this, this. And then there's the usual good sense of humour and likes theatre and blah, blah, blah. And that's all fine and needs to be strong and needs to be witty and needs to be able to communicate. And I say, yeah, write a list, get down to detail and make sure that once you've got that list right of this perfect person, then be that perfect person. Because Otherwise it's creating a shadow. These are all the things that I'm not, that I want someone else to do for me. And that's. You know when people say my better half? Oh, my God, do I hate that term? Oh, goodness, I wonder. Actually, I hear that a lot and I do wonder what, what do they mean? Do they mean that they're not fully showing up in the world? Do they mean that they feel that their partner's fully showing up and. Or they're not worthy of their partner? So many different things go through my mind when. And the everyday Joe Bloggs would say that, you know, exactly, exactly. And I just find it absolutely bewildering. And if you are willing to be that joke and for your relationship to be that joke, then how much are you willing to take part in life, in adulthood, in passion, in personal power? It's like. And also if you do write that list and you force someone else to be these things for you, then you are creating a better half. But I would rather be whole and I would rather. If I can be everything on that list, then my energy, the frequency I put out, will attract that person because I am being that person. And therefore we have two holds. And the alchemy is going to be two whole people is not equal to two, it's equal to millions. Yes. I was just thinking a moment ago about how at the end of every year, I take a handful of days for myself. The one time I really do that, because I sit and I look and see how far I think I've come in the year did I achieve and actualise the goals that I'd set out. And so, as we're entering a brand spanking new decade and we look back on, say, the last 10 years or five years or whatever, and think how far we've come. If somebody like me sits out and plans and vision boards, what's going to happen for 2020? And let's say my focus was attracting abundance in love, how would I be present and think about visualizing that? I'm so pleased you asked this. It's a random question. I know it's spot on and it's totally connected to the first question about writing the list, because I feel the second list that needs to be written is daily life. And daily life includes the washing up, the hoovering, the shopping, the cooking, the everything else. Because it's not about skipping through fields of daisies. There isn't enough time for that. With everything else going on in life, it's got to be a life of this is how I will live. This is my being rather than my doing and my chasing. Because being in a relationship, being into the new year and into the new decade is like how will I live on a daily life? Feel that. Notice it in life as it is now and notice what is in alignment with that and where the discrepancies are and update it. Because I believe, you know, I end my newsletters with Be the love, share the love. Because if I am it, then I have it to share with other people and I attract it. If I'm not stepping into it, then I'm chasing it or avoiding it or denying it and not good enough yet or not in belief of it. So it's step into the being of it. Step into the being of the next year and the next decade and the next love. So when I'm sat there and all those out there who might take a couple of days out to really visualize love, you're saying really step into how daily life with that partner looks. I am Sarah Louise Ryan here with Kenny Manmorella d' Cruz on Love Lessons Live and we will be right back. Welcome to the Women's Radio Station Supporting Women's well being Women's Radio Station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most important importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together with spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a Show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Hello and welcome back to Love Lessons. Live here in the studio in Covent Garden, I am Sarah Louise Ryan, here with the wonderful man whisperer, Kenny Mamarella d'. Cruz. Kenny is a man that, quite simply put, understands men. He understands how they communicate, he understands how they internalize and how they vocalize. And Kenny also helps women understand men and how they communicate and really gets to grit with, I guess, the gender indifference differences, commonalities, similarities. When it comes to communication, he's really the guy to talk to about comms, dating and relationships. So welcome back, Kenny. Thank you. Do you know, with that, can I jump in with a little thought? Yeah, please do. I feel that these days it's not all about men and women. It's more about the masculine and the feminine in all of us. And I've worked with some couples where this needs to be dished out differently rather than I should be like this because I'm the woman and I should be like this because I'm the man. It's actually this feels right for me, irrespective of gender because it's a role I play. And my wife does our accounts and she does more DIY than I do and, and I love ironing. Do you? Oh, My God, I used to be ocd. So maybe it's the perfection of the hot, steamy iron on my shirt. There isn't a crease to be found. But with that, it's like, how are we as two individuals or even as a group of friends or even as an office or a team? How are we gonna work together? How do we operate teamwork in this relationship? It's funny that you should talk about household chores, and I'll just jump in and say that my partner, he will literally ask me if I can leave the dishes and can he do the dishes and a bit of hoovering later on? How lucky. What kind of a catch is that? I mean, I had lucked out, but, you know, I love. You know, we're more efficient when my wife washes and I dry. But if she's got stuff to do in the kitchen, then I'll try and make sure that I do the washing up while she's in the kitchen. Because then we get to hang out together and we're in the same room. And it works. It totally works. And it's not that long ago that certain things were men's work and certain things were women's work and certain things were not talked about at all. Can I ask you a quick question before you jump into the masculine and the feminine energy and communication in relationships and in general, you and your lovely wife, how do you make time for the relationship to be nurtured? I mean, dating in your relationship and your marriage, how does that work? How? I remember we had. We did eight night, and it's generally sacred, but one or the other can sometimes slip up or need to rearrange. But I remember years ago, we had a date night and we dressed up and we left separately, and I was waiting under the Eros statue in Piccadilly with my bunch of flowers, and she was late. And I had the most devastating feelings of, oh, my God, she's not going to show up, she doesn't love me, and all of those things, really. And I just so got into being on a date and being unloved. I so got into it. And that actually boosted us because I don't want to take my relationship with my wife or anyone for granted. That's not to say that I am joined at the hip with anyone, because people change. People outgrow each other. And it's not about control and limiting my own or anyone else's growth and change, but there's that. But one of the most important things I'd say is it's not about the quantity of time. It's about the quality of time. That's what it's about. It's about. About laughing, talking. It's about the look in the eye. It's about something spontaneous. It's about playing. It's about doing something different. I mean, the other day was absolutely hilarious because we had. She cooked. It was date night. We had the best dinner and we hung out, and then I kind of sneakily took a handful of nuts from the cupboard, and I was munching, and she. She calls me chicken. Chicken. What are you eating? And it's like, I'm not telling you what I'm eating. We ended up play fighting, and there was no way that I was gonna let her win, but it was just so funny that I thought, oh, my God, one of us is gonna die because we can't breathe. It was so funny. But that's not necessarily romantic. How long does that exactly? And that's what, a few minutes? It's the quality, not the quantity. It's the connection. It's the spontaneity. It's taking a risk of abandonment or rejection or don't be so silly or whatever and being okay with it. I want to also ask you, because before you touched on social media and how it. And I was definitely in tune with that, and I didn't want to just skip over it and how it's changed our outlook on. And we have this analysis paralysis of other people's lives to make because you've got a very busy and successful business in the coaching world, helping people communicate, you know, the feelings they've internalized and all that. How online are you in your personal life, to be frank, nothing bores me more because I'm coming offline and I love it. Yeah. My parents asked me the other day, you only ever post a picture here or there on Instagram, and, you know, you're not really. I'm not an engager online. And I said it's because I'm taking my life offline. I check in on my WhatsApp messages once or twice a day. And so I guess the question really is how. How can we be so present to make a relationship and be successful in our dating lives and make it all work? And how relative is it to pulling our lives offline and being present in the moment? I'm going more online by proxy in that we are organizing and planning everything for next year. And rather than being behind a computer, because nothing drains me and upsets me more than being on a computer, I need to be connected with people. So while I walk or whatever, you know, walk to the bus or walk to a client or whatever it is I'm doing while I'm traveling, I speak with someone in my team and they ask me questions like a human and I respond to them and they deal with whatever's going on online. So it's not like total abandonment. It's more like I can't do it because I haven't got the time. And also I don't feel good. Once I've been on social media, all sorts of strange thoughts and feelings come up about myself and other people in the world and how it is. And most of it's true. I mean, most of it's not true. It's like it's a false world. How amazing that you're so in tune and connected with yourself. To acknowledge that in the same way that I did that, it just. It just drains me and I don't have enough time to just give to that. Ideally, if. If you're serious about attracting that certain someone, the energy that you put into living other people's lives and checking them out online, you could be putting that into the soul mate and partner search. Right. And that's another addiction. I mean, I love that I will, from next year be a lot more available on social media and online. It's not like I'm disconnecting, it's just that I'm not going to be in front of a computer. So I wish to give more. There'll be a lot more videos. We were talking about doing more panels and things like that. That's valuable. That's connection. And the hits that people get from a little bit of attention. Serotonin, the endorphins. Exactly. It's like we live in London. The social media, meanwhile, I've never known such loneliness on the streets. It's terrible. So the little bit of connection when someone likes something or shares something, it's like that's not enough. Yeah. That's not life. It's not life. That's a quick fix. And so in this modern world of meeting then Kenny and taking it offline and really connecting in real life, what are the differences between masculine and feminine energy and how can we connect despite and irrespective of, of gender in this world that's so online. And how can we take it offline and really connect? Yeah. I would say for me to take it one little step further, the difference between a boy and a man is a man includes the feminine energy, where a boy is trying to Prove his masculinity and fix things and compete and put on a good show. And, you know, look at the. The state of the country in the world. To me, that's boys making a lot of noise. There's not a lot of men there. There's not a lot of feeling, receiving, responding. It's all reaction and it's a frenzy. It's an absolutely mad frenzy. So a man is able to embrace the feminine side and respond rather than react, collaborate rather than compete, feel, heal and get real. Oh, gosh. It's almost like you practiced that line before. I just made that up. I should remember that. Let's listen to that back. You can remember that. Absolutely. So if you had three top tips to kind of leave us with that would set us up for attracting love in this busy world online and out of touch, what would it be? Number one is for a man to ask or for a masculine to ask the feminine. Are you telling me this because you want me to listen and be with you or do you want me to fix something? So it's, listen, don't upstage, don't fix. Number two is when you ask a man, how are you? And don't forget to ask a man how he is, then don't fix it. Listen to it and repeat it back. Are you saying blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Because it's fine to say men don't speak. It's generally because people don't know how to listen and forget to ask. It sounds like. Exactly, exactly. And number three is be scared. There is everything right with fear. A friend of mine, Jerry Jampolsky, a long, long time ago, he must be in his 80s now, wrote a book called Love Is Letting Go of Fear. I think that sums it up. Feel the fear. Find it anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So allow it. Because, you know, the way that people try to survive and avoid pain and suffering, and it's like these things are part of life. Feel it. That's the only way. It's almost like self preservation, but also in the same sense, you're kind of fulfilling the loneliness curse as well. Kenny, how can people find you? Themanwhisperer.co.uk and mensgroups.co.uk and if you are in a relationship and it's time to move to the next level, kiss your man. I am Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons. Thank you so much for tuning in. I've been here in conversation with Kenny Mamarella d', Cruz, the Man Whisperer. Thank you so, so much. My pleasure. Show. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibility are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. My name is Ingrid Marsh and I host the Radical Wellbeing show supporting women's well being. On my show I bring you ordinary women like me and you who are sharing their unique stories. Women who have refused to be defined by their pains, to be silenced by stigma or crushed by stereotypes and who are taking back their power. And together our mission is a simple one and that's to inspire you to kick away the roadblocks too. To don your wings and be the person that you were born to be. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Do you want to be a doula? Would you like to support families through pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? Do you have quality of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more at nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadio station. That's WomensRadio stn or Facebook. Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs.