Love Lessons – Forming Connection In A Busy World

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live here in the studio in Covent Garden, airing on women's radio station and men's radio station. This is the show, if you're just tuning in for the first time, where we talk about everything from dating relationships to healing, heartbreak, breakups, and I guess navigating the dating scene as a confident single. If you're out there looking for love again, ladies and gents, tuning in. I've got such an exciting show today. I actually feel genuinely excited. I've got a whole lot of mischief and fun in the studio. The gents from the Authentic dating series, I have David and Ahmed. Welcome. Hello. Hello. And today we're going to be talking all about who they are, what they do, and mainly and most importantly about how to form connection in a really busy world, in busy cities where we use this awful word of busy. So welcome, guys, welcome. Thank you for having us. So, first and foremost, what is your dating journey? Well, your journey into the dating industry. How did it all start out for you guys? Getting, you know, to grips with modern dating and the intricacies of it for men and women. So I'm Ahmed and for me, I used to be really shy. I was one of those guys who, at university, absolutely clueless. I mean, at high school, David and I actually went to high school together. And David used to describe me as being very stiff, very like, very like stuck in my own personality and not sure how to express who I am and what, like, what I want to, like, how to communicate if I like someone. And so how I got into, into the whole dating thing was I started university where I was very nervous and I decided that I needed to make a change. And my journey started there, to change. And in about four or five years later, after just trying so many different things out, speaking to so many different women and just going out and expanding my social skills, I found myself at a dating event along with David. And by the end of that, we realized that actually we could contribute rather than be just students. We could actually contribute and teach other people. And that was a very exciting time because it meant that everything that I had learned for myself and what I had understood about what it is to go from being very, very stiff and nervous to being relatively good with women. I was able now to teach other people who felt they were stuck. And yeah, from then, from there on, we. We started like, working for an organization in London and we were doing that for a good couple of years, like taking guys out in the daytime, in the clubs. And yeah, really having a lot of fun and sharing our knowledge. And was it around helping them build confidence, confidence that you now felt that you had around women? Was it transferring what you'd learned in that way? Was it purely confidence? So for me, it was more about the guys understanding, especially those who are really nervous understanding that it was possible because I used to feel stuck and then. And what it is to feel stuck and then realize that actually change is possible. And that's what it was about. So confidence obviously is a byproduct of that process, but it was more about self, about them expanding. Because for me, that whole journey wasn't just about social skills and women. It was also about myself, who I become as a personality and also being able to share myself with people. One of the things that you said just now that really hit home with me, especially with some clients and inquiries that I get here through to the show, is around the nervousness and really feeling those nerves when you get out there dating. Do you think the nerves come through online dating and not seeing the people behind the app, or do you think it comes from creating connection in. In person and not knowing how to authentically show up? Yeah, I definitely will say the second one because it's more. I mean, that nerves have been around before dating apps and online. And online dating. I've been around before the online dating, so the nerves always been there. And it's. And it's. I feel a lot of people struggle with the, like, how are other people going to see them? What will people think of me if they really knew how I really like, how I really feel inside? And, And I think that's the. The key thing for me when it came to that. And this is why confidence is a byproduct of becoming more authentic, because you realize that actually everyone feels nervous. Even on the way here today, I was just thinking to myself, like, so many men put women on a pedestal, but then we never really consider how much effort a woman puts on in order to go out into the world and feel confident, whether it be the makeup, the clothes, the whole style thing. So much attention going on that. And men just think, oh, women are like effortless, effortlessly confident, walking around, always confident, but also they also feel nervous and they feel like they need to show up a certain way or they need to be a certain way or they won't be accepted. And. And so the most beautiful thing, and this came up in the event we were speaking at the other night, was how once you acknowledge and accept yourself and how you feel, then you have a compassion for everyone else and how they feel. You realize, oh, like, I know I feel a bit nervous now being on the radio, but I understand, like, that's just normal. That's part of being human, like, just to express and to feel. And we had the. At the event the other night where we were sat there and we said, oh, yeah, we're feeling a bit nervous. And you realize that everyone in the room was like, there. There's this sort of, like, palpable tension of how people feel and that the. And that really, for me, is a leveler. Because then you start to realize that actually, no matter who you see or what you come across, everyone's going through something really interesting. And what I was thinking as you were chatting then was it kind of feels like the inability to get out of our own heads around certain things. Inclusive of David. Inclusive David, I was going to say. And David tripping over my words. Not enough coffee. So, David, do you have any tips to help us kind of get out of our own heads when it comes to these nerves or perhaps the byproduct of not feeling so confident in certain situations, such as being in the radio or such as being on a date? Yeah, I'd say that one of the things we often get locked into is into our pathways of thinking and, like, really listen and buy into the story. You know, say I'm sitting here and I'm like, oh, I'm feeling a bit nervous. I've never been on radio before. And, you know, know, I could sit here and I could just keep rolling around with the thoughts I have, or I can kind of sit back and observe what's actually happening around me. That there's this. There's a few of us in the room and there's mics and there's things like that and be present to actually what's kind of here and realize that, oh, I'm just in a room and we're about to speak about a topic that we know a good amount. Well, not that much about. Right. And not kind of be thinking about all the things that could go wrong, all my fears, all projecting to the future about the things that haven't or may never happen. So the worrying around things that aren't necessarily in our control. Yeah, there's that as well as, like, you know, say, for instance, you're on a date, for instance, and someone might be walking and thinking, oh, how am I going to be perceived? What they're going to look like? Are they going to think that? I don't know My picture, blah, blah, blah. But as you're walking through the door to. Into the bar to go on your date, you can't change any of those things. Those things have either happened or they're not going to happen yet. Right. It's like actually be present to this moment of you walking in and meeting this new human being who you can connect with and speak to and get to know and be curious about. Or you can just sit and worry and spin around in your. In your fears and worries. Love. The word that you just used yet hasn't happened yet. And it's. For me, it's one of the most positive, fulfilling words because it's, you know, the prospect of the future and the things that you would like to actualize. And I think if we all started using the word yet more often, we'd feel a bit more positive about the journey, especially around dating. For the listeners that are tuning in, tell me a little bit about how you guys started the authentic dating series. So I think it was about a year ago, just over a year ago, I had come to me and said that we were going to do like a webcomic. Yeah, yeah, it was like a webcomic. A web comic. Yeah. And then we. You start to do some drawings, and we have some ideas. And then we realized that to post one, like five sets of images on the Instagram or something like that actually took a huge amount of work. And I think I maybe have read something about podcasts and, you know, something that people are really consuming. And I said, why don't we do a podcast? We like talking. And he was like, yeah, we could do that. And then we pretty much kind of hashed out what we want our first episode to be. You know, that I think it probably took us more time to do deciding that first episode than any other. I guess it's the first one. Right. So you think about it a lot. And then we recorded the episode, and then we just kind of got into gear and got everything else together. What was the first episode, may I ask? Our first episode is dating isn't just all about dating. And we kind of talk about ourselves like some of our own history, like I might touched upon before. But we also talk about how dating isn't just about, you know, going on dates and knowing what to say when you're on dates and having good conversation, having great first lines to say things like that. It's actually a very holistic thing. It's about having a lifestyle that you enjoy that, you know, being happy in the life that you're in because happiness is a very fleeting thing. It's not a permanent state you're ever going to be in, but like doing things that you enjoy, having friends that you like spending time with. And a byproduct of that is having a good dating life. You know, the people I know who have the most interesting life don't struggle really with dating because they've got lives that they love, they've got friends they like spending time with, and they just meet people as part of that. And do you find those people who are feeling most fulfilled in their dating journeys? I guess, because it's not all about dating. But do they have loads of passions and hobbies and interests surrounding their lives and what. I mean, can you flesh that out for me? Yeah. Yeah. What do you find? I find that the people you meet and they're like, oh, you know, like, my dating life isn't. Isn't. Is an issue and a worry. Often you start asking them about their life and they've got hobbies that they love. Actually, dating isn't even something they're really thinking about. They're just thinking about enjoying the life that they have and really living it. Like, really experiencing the things that they love doing. Because happiness attracts abundance and happiness. And it's also a case of, you know, if you're doing the things. We said this a lot in our podcast, if you're doing the things you love doing, you're going to meet people who resonate on a similar vibration that you do, and you're going to be spending time with these people. Interesting. Before, you were talking a little about a little bit about being present, and it's definitely something I wanted to touch on a little bit later on in the show about how we're navigating dating in this really busy world, keeping ourselves like, you know, our feet are barely touching the ground in our careers and in our social lives and all of that stuff. If you had any top tips around really getting to grips of being present, have you got any thoughts on it? I do, actually, and they're not going to sound kind of what you'd expect from someone about dating. Something I've got into more and more recently is meditation. It's something I did a long retreat over six months ago. Meditation is a really good way to just get out of your mind and observe your thoughts, which is something you can do at any moment in your day. I'd also say that getting in touch with your breath, like, I do a lot of yoga, and I find that that's really helped. Kind of just being in touch with my breath and also learning to feel your body because that brings you into the present moment. Like feeling, you know, if you're sitting and you're feeling nervous is to go, where do I feel that? Where do I feel that sensation and actually feel it instead of thinking about it. Amazing. Ladies and gents tuning in, I am Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm here with the wonderful guys from the Authentic Dating series. We will be right back. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. 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At Nurturing birth, we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to Women's Radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio station, that's Womens Radio STN or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live here in the studio. For those of you that are tuning in, hello. You know that this is the show where we talk about everything from dating, relationships, heartbreak to dating after divorce and starting over again as a confident single. Today we have David and Ahmed from the Authentic Dating series. It's a podcast aimed at men and also useful to women and it explains what it takes to have a dating life that you are excited about. Welcome back guys. Welcome. Thank you. I'm here every week. So just before the break we were talking about the journey for the two of them and the Authentic dating series in the dating industry, how they're helping people and what kind of things that they're talking about at the moment around modern dating. One of the things I wanted to ask you guys was what are the biggest gripes you're hearing about dating dating in general today? Well, definitely on, on the side of men is actually and men and women is the disposability of, of, of online dating. The way that they feel that when they meet someone that person has always got other options and they're always trying to like shop around. That's, that's actually a phrase I hear a lot is people are now just shopping around and so people feel that dating isn't fun anymore. It's become very tiresome. And in fact there's, there's words now is like, such as dating fatigue, you know, these sort of things where people just feel like it's just endless because in the past perhaps then it wasn't so intensive. You could just, you know, you meet someone eventually but now with all the options and there's this concept of the paradox of choice. When you have choice and you just feel like, well, I'll just keep on going until I find something better and, or something better and it never ends. So I'd have to say that's definitely like a key gripe that people have nowadays and it's something that I've touched on. Sorry about. I've just really interrupted. David, I do apologize. It's something that I've touched on a couple of times about, you know, the paradox of choice and like going to a supermarket looking for a bottle of wine and I guess you just take them all. You just take them all because you don't know which one to choose. I'm only joking. Kind of. So is it that we have got dating fatigue because we think the grass is greener on the next sw. On the next date and we're looking for perfection or we're looking for something more fulfilled, more connected, more physical? What, what is it? What are we looking for more of? I think there's a double edged sword with it, with the online dating. Because the thing about on online and apps is they're designed to keep you engaged. That is, it's part of the, of the business model, is that they need users on the app. And so when I cast my mind back to when I was on Tinder, it's like, even if you got a date, why wouldn't you not like swipe? It's so easy just to swipe and see who else is available. Maybe there's someone else. And so, yeah, on one hand it's like there's an app problem. There's an app thing where it's like designed to keep you going. And the other side, it's like there is that feeling in us that we want some sort of perfection. We're looking for this perfect, this perfect date and that doesn't exist. There's no perfect date. There's. There's something that I discovered for myself which was like all the three prongs and, and the three prongs is something that I realized was going to keep me single for the rest of my life unless I took it head on. And I'm dying to know what this is. It's becoming like a working model for us when we're, when we're talking to people, when we're coaching people. And the three prongs was essentially me recognizing three things that my mind, my ego, whatever you want to call it, would pretty much keep me single if I never kept them in check. So number One was that the person I'm dating is not good looking enough. So initially when I first started dating them, they'd be fine, you know, I'd be enamored. But as time goes on, there's other people that I may come across, other women I meet. And then you start to question, oh, is there someone better, like I could be dating? The second thing which I really see come up a lot is, oh, this person's not compatible enough. And I'm like, that person not compatible enough is like that will just keep you like single forever because no one's ever 100% match with who you are. There's going to be some tension. It's just the way things are. So recognizing myself, I was like, okay, this is a silly, silly thing. Now the third one was a bit more personal to me, but I really believe that everyone has their own version. And the third one, because I grew up in a Muslim family. And so my third one was, oh, she's not Muslim enough. And the funny thing about me is this is, and this is what she blew the lid off. The whole thing for me when made me become aware of it is that I never dated any Muslim girls, so. So I realized how this would definitely keep me single because I'd get into a relationship, then the first voice would speak, oh, it's not good looking at all. Not compatible enough, get into arguments, whatever, not knowing how to deal with that. And then finally if all else as well, oh, but how will she fit into this cultural expectation? Which actually I realized isn't a big issue for me, it's just something that was keeping me concerned, worried, not present. So. So I think these are the things that really keep us away from actually settling down. And as I say to people, it's like the great level is time because you can keep swiping what you want, but if you want something out of a relationship, you're getting older like we all are, and time is limited. So we have to make a choice at some point. So it sounds, it sounds to me like you were, you know, subconsciously or unsubconsciously, subconsciously building these blocks for yourself around dating, but kind of self sabotaging. And how long did it take you to kind of break them all away and just get really clear that you were doing that and now was the time. Well, I'm now engaged. We know that. Yeah. And I met Chloe, my fiance, just over two years ago. So, you know, so that, I mean, it took me 32 years of my life to uncover, to uncover But I'm just saying, right. Like, it literally took me that much time to uncover that this. These things were playing a role in my decision making when it came to dating. Really interesting, David. We were talking before about being so connected online and how these apps are designed to keep us connected. Connected with them, not necessarily with the people on the other side of them. Do you have any thoughts around why we're so connected with technology and dating apps, but yet so disconnected from human beings and how can we kind of, you know, marry in the middle, find a compromise between the digital footprint and the digital world and offline connection? I think the thing with. With dating apps is that they build a barrier in my eyes between the person, yourself and the person you're speaking to. And what that does is mean that there's no. It's not personal. I'm just talking to a picture with some words, so. And then you end up treating them in the same way. You don't kind of. If you've met someone, it's amazing how if you meet someone, say, in a coffee shop and you talk to them for a few minutes, you know, get their name, some. Some details about them, you swap numbers. The level of connection you have with that person is so much higher than someone who you meet on an app and you could talk to for a week over text because you've seen them. You know, you see how the light hits their eye, you see how they move. You have a real idea of their presence and who they are, and you've gathered a lot more information about them. You know, you might not be conscious of it, but your brain has gathered all this information about how they move, what they look like, what they smell like, and it just means that you're more connected to them. Whereas now where people are talking to maybe 10 people at a time on a dating app, they're not really very connected to any of those people. So they don't really feel any real affinity other than the little picture and a few words that they've seen. So, on that note, do you have any ideas about. For those online daters? And I know there are so many that tune in and there are so many that contact you guys and me, and they're always asking questions about navigating it, I guess, successfully and how to quickly forge connection in a way, whether it's romantic or not, because it's really also quite hard to make friends as an adult and connect in busy cities. So I don't just want the show to be about romantic connection. It's like how do we really be present and really connect with those around us and those that we don't yet know? So any ideas of how we can get offline quite quickly when we spot someone who seems to resonate with us? Yeah, and I think that the issue also is there's two people involved. Right. And I kind of said this to someone recently. If your idea is that, you know, you want to match with somebody and then meet up very quickly, that's fine. If, if you're yourself getting, you know, one or two matches a week, but if the person you're speaking to is getting 20 matches a week, they're going to have a completely different filtering process. Right. That's, that's one thing to keep in note and I guess the other thing is I would say is actually like spend time speaking to the people you know. You know, pick up the phone and call them instead of always texting people. Arrange, like to meet people in groups. I think we talked about this earlier. As always, go to events and workshops that you're interested in and meet people who are like minded. What I'm finding from speaking to people we talk about, especially the men we spoke about dating, is they actually really want to meet people in real life. It seems that no one really wants to use dating apps, but the reason why people do is because in a way it removes a layer of rejection and fear because you can interact through another interface instead of actually having to be yourself and face the idea that the person opposite you won't or will be perceived to have not accepted you and want you. Interestingly enough, you mentioned before about multi dating and it's something that both of you have touched on and the idea of not putting, for lack of a better term, all your eggs in one basket. And so I wanted to ask you what your thoughts are on the dilution of connection when you're multi dating. Do you feel more connected to more humans? Or if you just date one person, do you feel like you are maximizing fulfillment in connection? Which is it? It's kind of something that's on my mind a lot at the moment, something I have much experience with as well. I feel like it really differs with different people. Some people, they can only really channel their emotions towards one person and some people can, you know, channel emotions to a multitude of people. And I'd say that I think you just got to check in with yourself and be like, is this something I really want? Is this something that works for me? I know that in this day and age what happens for people is they get into this comparison situation, you know, where, oh, I'm dating three people. Let me see where it gets to. Let me see where the best one is. And I did exactly this a lot when I was younger. And what I've learned now is it's not a comparison thing. You can't compare people. You know, there's intricacies of a human being that you can never really compare with another. So the analysis, paralysis. Yeah. And also I think it's something we said before is that, you know, you can get in a situation where, you know, you're seeing six people and then you're thinking, oh, maybe if I meet a seventh person, that person will be better than all these other six. And you can. This is endless. Sounds like Craig David. For me, it's just an endless cycle that can go on for, for the rest of your life if you wanted it to. Oh my gosh, this is such an interesting conversation and you guys and I could talk for days and not even feel the time. There's so much to talk about with regards to the intimacies of modern day dating and connection. After the break, I really want to get to grips of what it means to be busy, what connection actually means to you both and how you identify what is a real connection, what isn't and what's authentic and what's not. And I'm sure the listeners will be absolutely fascinated with what you've got to say on that. I am Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons live in the studio and will be back after the break. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. 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If you're tuning in live or if you're listening in a little bit later across the pond in the US or Oz or wherever you are. Hello from us and hello from the guys from the Authentic Dating series. I have David and Ahmed here in the studio. So welcome back. Hey. We have been talking all things Authentic Dating series, Modern Dating and Connection and we just kind of touched on multi dating and do you feel more connected with multiple humans or more fulfilled with one person? I'm sure that's something we can create a whole show about because it's so interesting. So guys, I wanted to throw the question to you. What does connection mean to you? So connection to me means that there is A real understanding of the other person and who they are from the perspective of their experience of life. And what, like what, what affinity. What draws you towards them is what I mean by affinity. So what draws you towards them? And connection in that sense for me then has always been about going deeper than just things like hobbies and, and work and, and going into the inner workings of who we are, who our characters are and what makes us tick, what we enjoy, what we, what really drives us, what really pursuit, like what we really want out of life. So getting to that level is often difficult, I see with people because so often people just start with the weather, like, what's, you know, how was the weather today? Or did you see the news? Or even things like Brexit has become like it just everyday chitchat. Oh, what do you think about Brexit? And, and it's not, it's not really about what, what concerns people, what drives people. As I was saying to someone recently, like, even if you're on a, on a date with a successful guy or something and he's wearing a nice watch, it would be to really understand what was his journey to getting that watch, as opposed to just thinking, oh, he's a successful guy and he must live a really nice life. It's like, who is he as a man? What does he become? And, and I think one of the issues with that is that people are afraid to be vulnerable, to really talk about how they think and feel. Interesting. I kind of looked at this wonderful talk that you guys did on Thursday, which I'm so sad I couldn't make it. I can't believe it. Because you were talking about something really interesting is what turns small talk into connection. Right. You mentioned something about that. Talk us through your thoughts on turning small talk like the weather or saying your watch is nice. How do you turn those small chitty chatty bits and bobs throughout the day into authentic and real connection? Yeah. So it would be to go deeper, to really be curious about the other person and to understand, well, who are you? What are you about? So if we to like, look at this in terms of like online dating, for example, as a way to actually build connection, if you're using apps, is to really look at the person's pictures, what's the story behind it? What are they up to? You know, how are they living their life? Like, if it's a woman looking at a man's picture, it's like, what's his lifestyle? Who are his friends? If he likes partying, is it like, what kind of music. Does he like to go deeper than just surface level? And I think that's the way that you really start to understand someone else's by knowing what makes them tick. Generally speaking. Do you think, David, I'll throw this over to you that we are lacking then curiosity about other human beings. Is it that we're seeing all we think there is to see in their digital footprint and think there's nothing more to it? What is it? Yeah, and I think there's a level of overwhelm of information. You know, if you're going to get on Tinder and swipe, what can you swipe like 50 people a day? How much are you going to, how much, how many seconds you can look at one person. What are we retaining? Yeah, you know, what are you really looking into? It's something I've gone through with one of my coaching clients at the moment and I, what we, I talked about was what I call kind of golden nuggets. And what that is is when you hear someone talking and telling a story is there's all these other threads that you can ask questions about, you know, like, you know, someone might tell you a story about when they're on holiday and they're on the beach and they saw some beautiful waves and you know, the sound and so forth. And then there's all these other questions like where were you? Oh, what beach was it? Was it like, was the weather? Like, what was the food there? You know, oh, do you have a particular affinity towards beaches? Has it always kind of been there for you or was it just this particular beach you see? And there's just so much you can find out about someone if you really just listen. And when it comes to online your own, the problem is you've got less information, you've got a few words and you've got a picture and people don't look as deeply into those things, would you say? Because I, you know, we chit chatted before the show started and many an hour well before that and I know that you guys are deeply interested in self development and understanding oneself. Would you say as men, another generalized throwing out their statement are less connected with themselves and following that, would you say that you guys are quite rare gems in the aspect that you do that kind of self development work? Or is it that because women are often saying to me all the good ones are taken. Right. So I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes and see what you're seeing. Are you a rare gem in self development and connecting with oneself Just all those, you know, ideas I've. I feel like I meet plenty of men actually who are like myself and like Ahmad. We've just done a lot of research with men asking them lots of questions about their emotions, their feelings about dating. And some of the really interesting things are, is like a lot of men are really deeply thinking about self development, like understanding themselves better, being more aware of themselves and their actions. And it's just maybe that there is a rhetoric in the media and I think this is, we can't overlook this, is that men are a certain way and every time you hear that, that leaves an imprint on your mind. And I think a lot of women have bought into this rhetoric, that all the good men have gone, all men are rubbish. All men just want certain things and they've just believed it. And once you believe something, that's all you see in the world. Taking away your professional opinion. And on a personal level as a man, how does it make you feel when you hear those kind of outlandish to me statements? It's actually really sad because I sit and think sometimes. Like when we used to coach, for instance, I remember, you know, you could, you could be out and about and you speak to some women and go, what are you looking for? Are we looking for a really nice guy who's going to treat us well and respect us and blah, blah, blah. And we knew hundreds of these sorts of guys, but they just might be a little bit shy, you know, they might be a little bit nervous. But on the flip side, the women will be talking to the exact man, the exact opposite of the men that they really wanted to, and they wouldn't give time to the sort of men who would give them exactly what they asked for. And I think there's this kind of dynamic where sometimes people say I want A, but actually what they, what they really need or what they're really looking for is B. And we know how we move towards love in familiar ways, not necessarily in the way that we're saying we want. So you also work as a coach, David, and what would you say you specialize in as a coach? How do you get people from A, the things that aren't working for them to be the things that are. I think it's a combination of kind of taking action. I think I'm a big advocate of taking action. One of the other things is kind of self inquiry and I just ask them questions. And a lot of the questions I ask is, you know, how did you feel when you did X? Oh, you spoke to this new girl in a bar, how did you feel in those moments? What did you feel beforehand? What did you feel after, afterwards? And then start to kind of inquire in and go, why did you think, why did you feel that way? What, when you were nervous, why were you feeling nervous? What was it around? What was happening? And sometimes you hear these stories and one particular kind of think of is that he had a story for himself that he was not the sort of man that would talk to women he didn't know. That's not the sort of man he was. And just through some simple actions over the course of a few months where, you know, it took him from taking, taking conversation, expanding that a bit more, talking to people who he didn't really know, maybe in a coffee shop or they were working in shops, to the point now where he felt comfortable to be in a lift with someone and to start a conversation. Because really, it's not the big. We look at the big thing of like, oh, I'm very shy, I can't do that. If you just chip away at bit by bit, a little bit, a little by little, and you get there and you realize that actually I've come all this way and looking back is a really important thing to do, is look back and go, look, I've come all this way and this was all my own doing, all my own action. It sounds to me that you really help people eradicate those limiting beliefs, the hurdles and the things that are holding them back for what they deserve, what they truly deserve in love and in life. I wanted to ask you, Ahmed, what do you think are the good things about how connected we can be online or offline in the modern world? And what can we do more of? What are the good things? What do you mean by that? Like, you're navigating online dating and you do have the paradox of choice. So we're more connected than we ever have been before. But often I just hear, and often talk about all the negatives and the side effects, the fear of rejection and the fear of missing out and all of that that comes alongside online dating. But surely we hear so many great stories about people meeting online, but we're not talking about them enough. And I just wondered if you had any ideas around how to make the most of this online connection and what are the good things about being so connected today? Yeah, the obvious thing is, and maybe the phrasing won't sound good, but it's another route to market. So for, for, for people who, and this men really think in A, in a business sense. And I remember when I was using dating apps a lot like maybe three, four years ago, doesn't matter where you are, you could be at home in your boxes, you know, and you're, and you're swiping through, you know, and, and people don't actually think about this, but this is actually what's going on. If you're not thinking about this, this is what's happening. People, that's what they're doing, that's why they're not, that's one out meeting people, they're swiping at home in their gym jams, you know, just. And but the thing is what that does as well as it removes a lot, it removes time and space in the respect of like you don't have to go to a bar, spend your time and your money trying to meet someone and there's a very small pool of people there in the bar. So you, so you're at home and you, you know, you got the freedom and you, whenever you got five, ten minutes or whatever, you know, whatever you're doing that you can, you can, you can meet someone, you can match someone and then arrange to meet with them. And I think the tip really though is to remember that it is just a route, that the key at the end of the day is that you want to meet something that we have this phrase offline dating, but actually that's what you want in the end. And so you need to get used to the idea that you're going to meet someone and how comfortable you're going to be when you do meet someone because that's what, that's what counts, right? It's not just about you got 100 matches or whatever on your phone and you guys are busy out and about in the world of London at the moment, giving lots of talks and all that jazz in the dating industry. And I wonder, did you have any ideas of how people can meet offline? Are there any things that you guys are doing or anything that you're seeing that seems really interesting to help people form those connections in real life with like minded people? Well, there's definitely loads of events now like especially like funding do loads of events and there's loads of talks that people can, can jump on now. So absolutely. I think they just need to look and see what they're interested in and start going out there and meeting people. So connecting with people over like minded hobbies, similar interests and like you were saying before David, connecting over, you know, passions and fulfilled in oneself. Okay, amazing. I'M Sarah Louise Ryan. We're here on Love Lessons Live. We're talking to the wonderful guys from the Authentic Dating series All Things Connection. And we'll be right back after the break. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons Live on Women's Radio Station. 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Do you have qualities of compassion, listening, caring and empowering? At Nurturing Birth, we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's radio station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio station, that's womensradio stn or Facebook Women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hello and welcome back to Love Lessons Live here in the studio, I am Sarah Louise Ryan, here with David and Ahmed from the Authentic Dating series. Today we've been talking all things connection, modern dating and the paradox of choice, which is very interesting. And now I really want to get to grips with the idea of navigating modern dating as a man, what it means to be a man in the modern world of dating. Are there grey areas? Aren't there? Why do men have a bad rap? How can they navigate dating today authentically without coming across and fitting into this box that people have put them in? So welcome back, guys. Hey, are you still with me? Actually, before we jump into that, I just want to talk to you, just ask you a quick question. What does busy mean to you? For me, busy means being essentially overwhelmed with everything that I'm doing in my life. Work, mostly work, I feel like, but then also trying to keep up. There's like a sense of I need to make up for lost time, I need to. There's no time and I need to keep going, I need to keep moving. I can't stop, I can't have a break and, and, you know, trying to keep everything in balance. Family, work, home, love, relationships, everything. And it's just like, yeah, just generally being like constantly, like paddling like a swan, you know, sort of thing. How busy do you feel? I feel there are days I feel more busy and, and. But what I've come to understand really is that is to slow down whenever I do, I have a thing. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or busy, I just say to myself, oh, this is a sign that I need to slow down. What? Because nothing gets done in, in that sort of mindset. It's like when you drank too much coffee, it's like, you think it'd be stimulating, but it's too much and you can't focus and you're not in flow state. You cannot produce and create amazing things in your life. If you feel like you're chasing your tail, David, what does busy mean to you? I think busy means to me is having many things to fill the time that I have, but maybe too many things to fill the time that I have. Like filling voids? No, no, no. But more say, you know, a lot of people, you know, we've got jobs and then we've got families and we've got friends, we've got some hobbies we might have, like a side project or, you know, side interests and feeling that those things that we have there that, you know, we deem important to us, we can't fit all those things into our time. And then there's one important part of those I forgot was yourself, yourself, time, and fitting that also into the time that you have for me. As we get to the end of the year and the end of the decade, busy's been the buzzword, and it's something I hear an awful lot in email from clients. I'm so busy I can't attract love. I'm so busy we can't make that meeting or get it in the diary. I'll see you in three months time. You know, busy. And it's really got my go, actually. So I thought I'd ask you both about it authentically. And I wondered if you had, other than your breathing meditation, any practical top tips to eradicate busy and get to balance so we can attract love into our lives? Yeah, I actually had this with Chloe last night. We were talking about this because she's working on a lot of things and all of a sudden it starts to really build up and feel like it's getting out of hand. And I think one of the key things I've learned over time is it's. It's so important to get things out of your head and onto paper, whether you're just noting it down, scribbling something, because when it's in your. In your mind, it just keeps going round, around, around, and then there's more things and you just don't know where to put your. Your focus. But often when you write it down, you realize that it's not as bad or you can see, you can put it into some sort of order, you can organize it. So the important thing here is to understand that the brain isn't good at remembering all these different things. It's important to get it out and into somewhere where you can perhaps look at it later or see it. And I think that's one of the main things that's been a big eye opener. And a big change for me, really interesting myself, prioritisation. We met someone who had a very simple prioritisation. He was like, it's his business, it's his family, and then everything else. And I like that because it's very simple. And I think a lot of people are trying to prioritize too many things, but they're not saying what's the most important thing to me right now in my life, what's the second and third and go down. And then you basically arrange your week in that way. So if you know something comes along and you've got some free time, then fair enough. But if it's not in your prioritization and you're going to lose some time to spend by yourself, relaxing, recharging, then no, you say, no, I don't have time for that. And in fact, the word busy is used often when people really want to say, I don't actually have time for that or that's not a priority to me right now. It's not my priority. Okay, interesting. Just wanted to cover that definitely before we on why we still got you. So now skipping over to what we were going to talk about in this segment is all about men and the gray areas or not depending on what your thoughts are of navigating modern dating. How difficult is it for men to find love today? So, as David mentioned earlier, we've been interviewing some men and already some very interesting information has come through. We didn't necessarily spoke focus specifically on like the, all the problems, but what we saw coming up was how often guys would feel that like with online dating, fake, fake profile images or even filters making it very difficult to really know what a woman looks like or feeling like. Women weren't being forthcoming with who, who they really were or if they had children or even, even in some cases not putting much information on their, on their dating profile. So then men not knowing how to even start a conversation, because men get a lot of slack for just saying, hey, but then they don't know what else to say if there's just a picture, like you just got to comment on the picture without being sexual. And, and then that then moves into this thing here now where it's like a lot of men are feeling like, well, should I approach, should I say something, should I compliment? And in most cases it's like they'll second or triple guess themselves and then they won't take it because of the era that we're, that we're in now, you know, and there is, you know, there are men who have acted inappropriately and have done things and, and, and rightly, you know, should be punished for that. But then just, you know, the sort of, what's the word? Blanket cover for all men saying, okay, all men like this. It's definitely not the case. And, and I think that's like a really key thing because when before we came on, on the show here, we were really thinking about, you know, what would we want to say and share and really for women to understand that there are a lot of fears for men. Men have their. Men carry a lot of fears. And I don't think women understand in the same way, men don't necessarily understand all the fears that women have. But if we, if we both took the time to understand what fears each other are facing, then we'd better understand what each other is going through and then know how to interact with each other. I'm really pleased that you mentioned fears in a way, because for the men that are tuning in when this airs on men's radio station, it's great for them to know that they're not alone. And there's often, you know, the stigma around men talking to each other and being vulnerable and authentic with each other about what they're really going through. And the fact that you're saying, generally speaking, men have a lot of fears around dating because of a. Their expectations or the bad rap that really great men have been given because of the not so great men. And you know, rightly so that, you know, those not so great men are being, you know, outed for their behaviors. But what about the really great men? And I found myself getting really cross. As I mentioned before, we really great media out there asking me the other day, and as you said, probably a planted question, do women need men in a modern world of dating and forming families? Yes, I absolutely do believe. No, it's not that we need men. We want them. Why wouldn't we want them? They're incredible. So, David, what do you think about modern dating and what are the grey areas for men today in modern dating? I guess one of the gray areas is actually initializing a conversation. How to do so, what's appropriate to say, what's not appropriate to say when it's appropriate to speak to a woman? I think one of the big things that men struggle with is that I could be out in the coffee shop in the middle of the day and I see a woman, I think, oh, I feel attracted to her. And then first of all, he's like, oh, am I objectifying this woman? You know, Should I even speak to her? You know, if I speak to her, what will she think of me? Will she think I'm just one of these guys that talks to women in coffee shops all the time? Can I tell you something? One of the biggest things I hear from my female coaching clients and women that approach me in general is that they are looking for men to take that step, to approach them in the first instance, this idea of the way dating used to be, eradicating the online stuff. And yet the biggest thing for men is holding them back because they feel like they don't know how. Or is it okay for them to say hello? Is it okay for them to make commentary? And what would you. How can we. How can we bridge this gap and mend it? I think we. We have to look at the wider media, actually, and say there's a responsibility in there to. To not just vilify any men who are trying to learn or better themselves in this way. With women, I think there's a lot of vilification of any man who's trying to improve himself, especially from a dating point of view, and just paint him as some sort of predator in some way. Because we've met a lot of guys who are lovely guys. Like, when you speak to them, they're interesting, they have beautiful lives, but they're just very shy. And they're very shy because they've grown up with this rhetoric of, oh, you shouldn't go and talk to women in this way. You shouldn't do this, because they've been told all the ways they shouldn't do things. But there's very few. There's very few articles you read in the newspaper that's saying, this is how women would like to be spoken to. You know, there's a few women out there coaching, and we know some of them. We've spoken to some of them, and we also, you know, we've had women on our podcast and so forth and talk to them a lot. And what we realize is women keep saying the same thing to us. Men don't approach us, and we'd really love them to speak. Come and speak to us more in just in a way that's honest and is kind, but also in being in their masculine and just actually coming and going, hey, how are you? And striking up some conversation. Guys, you've got a talk coming up on the 27th, am I right? Yes. What's that talk about? So we've got a talk that we're arranging called Man Up. Man Up. Uplifting Conversations with Men. So we're basically trying to start up some conversation for men with men and women in, in the audience about, you know, what it means to be a man in this modern age. Because I think it's a very confusing thing. You know, there's success. What is success look like? How do you find your purpose? You know, what does it mean to be a man? You know, we now are living in a world where men are expected to be emotional and be nurturing and be loving, but also to be strong, to be leaders, you know, and to be good fathers. And it's very confusing for a lot of men. The weight of expectation is sitting on the shoulders of men. Yeah. And there's no, there's nothing coming forward to say, okay, this is how you be a man. But we've just told you, you know, don't be this sort of man. Guys, so great to have you both on the show today. And there's just so much we could talk about and I've loved having you here. Could you kind of wrap up with a quick fire round of free top tips to forge connection today? Yeah. I say vulnerability, being willing to talk about yourself, the things you love and your passions and even the things you dislike. And where can people tune in and listen to your amazing podcast? You can find us on itunes and all good podcast peddlers as well as you can find us on Instagram. We're very active on there. So yeah, that's the best place to find us. Thank you so much, David and Ahmed. Amazing. Thank you. I am Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons Live. 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