Love Lessons – Cultivating Confidence To Find Love, Lisa Philips

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live here at women's radio station. This is the show where we discuss everything from dating, relationships, breakups and divorce all the way to starting over again as a confident single. We're welcoming today Lisa Phillips of amazing coaching. She'll help you be inspired to really believe in yourself, release all your negative programming and step into the happy, contented and most joyous version of yourself that you've always wanted to be and you know that you can be. So today we're going to be discussing cultivating confidence as a new single after a breakup. Ready to get back out there. But first and foremost, starting with a lot of self love and being comfortable and confident as a solo. So we're going to be touching on what confidence looks like, what it is, what it isn't, the gap between being unconfident and working towards confidence. We're going to talk a little bit about building confidence in the modern world of dating today if it's there for you, and how singles can overcome a lacking in confidence if that's the case. So we're gonna also then touch on how Lisa works, what she does and what keeps her so busy helping people become their most confident version of themselves. So welcome, Lisa. Thank you. It's really nice to be here, Sarah Louise. I'm really looking forward to the show this afternoon. It's just so wonderful to have you on the show. I know there's tons of coaches in the world and people that work in the dating industry helping people, but you really specialize in confidence. And we were saying just before we went live on air, it's the one thing that it really all boils down to self belief, how you feel in yourself inside and outside. And I guess working on it if you're not feeling the best version of yourself. Is that right? Absolutely. You said it spot on. It doesn't matter why people come to see me, whether it's relationships, career, friendships, it all comes back to emotions and in particular, having that feeling inside you of confidence. Because if you've got confidence, you've got self belief. If you've got confidence, you're going to make better decisions for yourself. And that's particularly important these days in dating. So absolutely, what you said doesn't matter what it takes. It is down to your own self esteem building that, what I call that confidence muscle inside of you because that's the thing that's really going to help you in every area of your life and also feel good, you know, if you've got confidence, you're less likely to feel needy. So it really is such an important muscle to develop. Yeah, absolutely. Totally agree. And last week on the show we were really getting to grips with how to heal heartbreak and move forward as a solo. And this week really wanted to take the listeners on a journey to becoming the most confident version of themselves. So I guess to inevitably welcome love and attract love back into their lives. So first and foremost I wanted to ask you what you think the hardest part about starting over again is as a solo, particularly with focus on self esteem and working towards having a high self esteem. I think unfortunately what can happen, particularly for singles in the dating world, particularly let's say they we haven't had much luck in the past. What can happen is every time our experiences, maybe things haven't worked out how we wanted them to do or perhaps which I'll talk about a little bit later, when it comes to our negative beliefs about dating, we can really start to sort of give up a little bit, to be quite honest. And as a result of that, our expectations can reduce. And I'm not just talking about sort of the expectations of meeting somebody who's going to meet your standards or something like that, even the expectation that it's going to happen. You know, I think for many of us and talking about being out there in single, everybody is different, but our expectations have a huge part to play because we can expect to be successful or we can expect not to be successful. And a lot of our personal standards that we have really depend on our background, our belief and the way we actually expect to be treated in a relationship as well. So all of those things can have a huge impact on the singles of today, me being one of them. Let me just say later on in the show I want to really get to grips with the idea that we only ever really accept the love that we think that we deserve. And I think in a nutshell, you've kind of just touched on that in a way. And so particularly focusing on those who are newly single, what would you say has or could have chipped away at self esteem and how can they get towards one step, baby steps closer towards a confident version of themselves? I think it's really important perhaps if you've just come out of a relationship to focus on what you've learned and also perhaps what you now realize you won't accept compared to what you will expect. I know for me, whenever time perhaps a relationship's broke up or I'm working with a client perhaps, perhaps who wants to get back out there again. One of the first things I do is look at their past relationships because, you know, we all have patterns and also identify reoccurring patterns because they are just a mirror of how we feel and believe about ourselves. So before you start any relationship, it's really important to take stock and look at, okay, what went right, what went wrong, and also, what would I like more of or what would I like less of? And in doing that, we're actually creating the new relationship that we want. Let me just give you example. I recently came out of a relationship and I thought, you know, the person that I was with, the communication really wasn't that great. I didn't feel that they listened to me very well. Okay, so what I did then, when I wrote my list, I thought, right, okay, in the future, I want to meet somebody who I really connect with. That really. We really have fantastic communication. It really feels good. We can bounce off each other. And what I did then, first of all, I wrote it on my list of what I wanted. But then I started to feel how nice that would feel inside of my body. You see, particularly in relationships, like you said, we only get what we expect. And somewhere along the line, I. I didn't expect to have a partner that I could have fantastic communication with. So by sitting and feeling how nice it would be, imagining now moving forward in my next relationship, I wanted to have somebody with great communication. What I'm actually doing is starting to expect it more. I'm starting to feel it in my body. And everything we feel, basically, life is like a magnet. So whatever we can start to feel about a new relationship will bring it to us. So, you know, for me, the first step is really getting clear in your body what type of relationship you want. And you can use your past relationships as a bit of a. I guess a. What would I say there? You know, a bit of research, to be quite honest, looking at past relationships and saying, well, I didn't like this, or I did like this. What am I missing? And it's interesting. Most of us will have the same things that are missing all the way through our relationships, just because perhaps we're not used to having those feelings or even having used to somebody respecting us or treating us well. But if we can get in front of it and really get clear on what we want, our next relationship will be a lot better. You know, Lisa, I think you said a couple of really interesting things there. One which I think is super important about taking the lessons, taking stock of all the things that you were willing to accept and all the things that you weren't and, you know, where you would like to compromise, where you wouldn't like to compromise and being really clear on what it is that you want. And then secondly, something that I thought was super duper interesting that you were talking a lot about was how do you feel? And I think a lot of people, when they exit a relationship and a line has been drawn, sometimes they spend so much time focusing on a void that is there with a need to be filled rather than how did they feel in that relationship, how do they feel now and how would they like to feel in the future? And I think we would be so much more fulfilled in ourselves if we concentrated, you know, all of our decision making processes on how we feel rather than what it is that we want and what it is that we're lacking or wanting to create more abundance. So I was really pleased to hear you talk so much about that. So what kind of blocks do you think people put in the way of living their best, you know, lives and being the best and most confident versions of themselves? There's a couple of things which I say in any area of your life can really hold you back from being confident. First is our negative belief system. You know, this is all that. I call it spam. This is all the spam we picked up when we're growing up. Beliefs like, I'm not good enough, I can't have the relationship I want, I'm not worthy, there's something wrong with me. And unfortunately, this is a lot of the work I do with my clients. Unless we let go of the energy surrounding those beliefs, we will keep on creating more and more situations which really reinforce that belief. For example, let's say, relationships. You know, I must admit, for much of my life, I didn't feel lovable. And that was an old belief I picked up from a very early age. So that belief was still so strong in me that every relationship I met, it just kept reinforcing the fact that I wasn't lovable. Okay, so that went over and over again, obviously impacting my relationship confidence, like, hugely. And the second thing that can really hold us back from being confident is our own fears. You know, a lot of the time we think, who am I to be confident? Or gosh, if I am assertive, if I do speak up, if I do put boundaries in, oh, gosh, what if people don't like it? What if I upset somebody? You know, really, most of us want to be nice people. We want to be seen as this really nice person, but at the cost of sometimes our own confidence and self esteem. Because we allow people to walk all over us and we don't have boundaries, we're much more likely to try and keep other people happy than keep ourselves happy. So our beliefs and our fears are really two of the things that can really stop us from having increased self esteem and high confidence. Interestingly enough, what I was taking from that, from your experiences, it's the idea that particularly as women, we often think that we're just not enough. Absolutely. So could you give us a quick fire round three top tips before we go to the break in 30 seconds of how we can eradicate those blocks and those fears. Okay, first of all, first tip one, just remember they're just spam. Just because it's a belief of yours, it's doesn't mean that it's true. You know, write it down, burn it, get rid of it, it's not yours. Secondly, I think it's important, just don't buy into it. You know, if that feeling starts to come up, you might want to soothe yourself as well and say it's okay. It's not true. We'll be right back after the break. We'll be right back. Welcome to Women's radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's wellbeing and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Tracey Weedon of Brownhill Insurance Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal household, high net worth and fine art. 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That's Women's Radio STN or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live here at Women's Radio Station. Today we're joined by the wonderful Lisa Phillips of Amazing Coaching and we're talking about cultivating confidence as a solo and stepping into your power being a confident single again. Welcome back, Lisa. Hi. Really good to be here. So lovely to have you on. Sorry, didn't realize we were such chatterboxes before the break. Didn't mean to cut you off, but here we are. That's okay, no problem. So I just want to know how a new single can begin to accept their solo status because I guess if you've been in a long term relationship or a super serious relationship, then obviously being single is not what you've planned for at this stage. You know, often things in life happen that we can't prepare for and we find ourselves going down back, going down paths that we haven't, you know, in our mind paved. So what would you suggest a new single can do to accept their solo status and really step into their power as a single. Good question. I think what's really important at the beginning whenever something happens that maybe we didn't expect or we didn't really want to be in that situation is to really have compassion for yourself. It's so important to be okay with not being okay. You know, you don't have to rush straight out there. You don't have to be more positive or pretend you're doing better. It's okay to have a meltdown. You know, it's okay to have those Bridget Jones Saturday nights with your, your ice cream and pajamas and allow yourself to feel anything that you feel okay. Crying emotions are all healing. They'll all give you relief. So I think that's a really good start. Just accept you are where you are and when you're ready, it is about then soothing yourself into a better feeling place. So let's say you've got a little bit worried about going out and meeting somebody else. You know, don't frighten yourself. Start by encouraging yourself like you would a small child. You know, many of us have got like an inner child inside of us. And I often say to my clients, you need to treat yourself like you would a small child. And what I mean by that is reaching for some phrase that gives you from relief. So if you're feeling a little bit nervous, just saying to yourself, hey, it's going to be okay. You know, it might not feel like it right now, but it is going to work out, I will be okay. Because actually, if you're not feeling good about your breakup, you can't step straight into confidence. There's a gap. So your best way is to almost ease yourself into confidence by first of all just starting that mindset that you are going to be okay. Things might be a little bit different, but you're going to manage it and you know, eventually start to think, you know, this could be fun. I am going to be okay. So inside out first. And so just earlier you said, you know, starting with compassion and being compassionate towards yourself. What are the practical steps? So if you, let's say, for example, I find myself having a very negative chit chat to myself, saying these things to myself that you, you know, for example, you wouldn't say to a small child in front of you, what, what can I do to be compassionate in that moment, what are the practical steps? Okay, again, I run a little course. I call it. It's about being your own best friend. Oh, I love that. And it's so important, you know what I never want people to do is beat themselves up for being negative. You know, I have to admit, some mornings I'll wake up and I feel really negative. And I'll just say to self, well, that's okay. It's only a day. So if you do get yourself spiraling, you know, a few times, it's okay, allow it to come up, but be compassionate. Say to yourself, it's okay, it's a bad day, it's no big deal. It'll get better soon. I'm looking forward to feeling better soon. So we're starting to give ourselves a little bit of future forwards. This will pass, this won't last. I'm looking forward to feeling a bit better about this. So that will give our emotions some relief. And practically, you know, just do anything you can that makes you feel good. Write a list of 10 things that make you happy and still do them. You know, if you have broken up. There are things from our childhood or as we're growing up that we know authentically make us feel good. Like for me, it's like horses, wellies, cats, do some of those. Okay, we're taking the focus then off the relationship and the negative emotions into something that makes you feel better. Because actually, you cannot step into confidence if you feel terrible. You've got to ease your way into it by first of all, the mindset, you know, saying to yourself, it's going to get better. Secondly, do things that make you feel good. So write a list of 10 things that you enjoy and then what you'll find, you know, the few weeks or days everyone's different are focusing on your happiness. You will naturally then start to feel a little bit more positive. You know, anything that makes you feel good is going to have such a difference on your emotions and not doing things that maybe other people think. Don't listen to anyone else when they tell you perhaps what you should be doing. Tune into yourself, tune into your guidance and focus doing things that make you happy. And I believe me, it won't be long until you just naturally then start to feel a little bit better and a little bit more positive about the future. Oh, I love that, Lisa. And you know, I think a few of the things that you were just saying really will probably resonate with those who are tuning in about, you know, you may not feel it today, but you will be there soon. And obviously just reiterating that to yourself, I recently heard that the most powerful word in the English language is yet, because it holds so much promise. And so for me, I tell my coaching clients that you're not there today, but you will. And you're not there yet, but you will be there soon. And it's just so right. And it's exactly nail on the head with what you're saying. And it feels better. It feels good. It does. I mean, no. Notice when you're stressed and you're unhappy, your body doesn't feel good. You know, I liken this to sort of taking a canoe upstream. Okay. What happens when you take a canoe upstream? It's hard work. You're exhausted, you're frustrated, and that's what your thoughts are like. But if you start to say to myself, yourself, you know, it's a bad day, but I'm going to get there. I haven't got there yet, but I will do. You will notice your body goes, oh, lovely, thanks for that. And you let go of the oars on your canoe and your canoe will start to go downstream, which is what we want. Because when you take a canoe downstream, what happens? It flows, it's easier. And you will experience positive emotions. So be your own best friend. I love that. Lisa, I wanted to jump to the idea of something that I've touched on a few times, but I just see it happening left, right and center with those who are single, newly single, perhaps post divorce, and they're not quite ready to get back out there, but they do it anyway. So I wanted to talk to you about the idea of jumping right back onto the dating scene, onto those dating apps when A, you're not feeling the most confident and B, perhaps you're feeling a little bit lonely, feeling like you need to fill a void. What's your advice to those people who are jumping out there onto the dating app? We've all done it. Yeah. And it's a very natural first tip. So what do you recommend? Look, you hit the nail on the head often when you split up, you've been single for a while, you come out of divorce, there is a void inside of you. That void could be, I'm unloved, I'm not wanted, nobody wants me. We're looking for somebody to validate us. We think if we get another relationship, we'll feel okay. We'll think that there's nothing wrong with us. Not that there is, but we'll get to sort of get someone else to fill that emptiness or the void that we're feeling. And unfortunately, that can lead us into all sorts of toxic situations because we might not choose the right person that's going to be filling our void. So you Know, everyone's different. It may work differently for other people, but my experience is fill your own void first. Then you're going to be going into any date, whether it's online, and you'll have filled your void so you will not be looking for somebody else to fill it for you. Phil, learn about your own worthiness. Own your valuable own. You're good enough. Own that you're worthy yourself. Do not go out chasing someone else to fill that void, because we've all done it. And I totally agree. And it's the first thing that people think about when they're single. Oh, gosh, you know, I need to. It's kind of like the idea of validating oneself and popping themselves on a dating gap or going to a singles event when they're not feeling quite clear on who it is that they now are, if they feel out of sorts or who it is that they are looking to meet now. So am I hearing from you that the idea would be to put dating aside for this time if you're a new single? Look, I would say, first of all, everyone's different. Check your reasons for trying to meet someone else. If it is because you're literally saying, I need to meet someone to make me feel good, I can't be on my own, I'm lonely. You know, if I meet somebody, I'll feel better. Now that is the voice of the void. It's like, love me, love me, love me, and then I'll get to feel better about myself. Please love me. And actually, you know, I want to say, okay, love yourself first. Love you first. Fill your own void. See how wonderful you are. You know, if you're lonely, go out and fill your own void. Because then when your void is filled, you will meet someone else whose void is filled as well. Lisa, can you give us a quick fire round? Three top tips to fill your own void like yourself is the first one. Okay, get a journal. Start writing down things that you like about yourself. My second one is look at what you always think is missing from a relationship because it's the missing thing that you're going to try and fill the void. And you need to fill that void yourself. Third one, really get clear what you want out of a relationship in the future, what you will accept and what you won't accept. Equally important, love that. For those of you that are just tuning in now, we are talking all about cultivating confidence with Lisa Phillips, and she is the Amazing Coach. She is the founder of Amazing Coaching and she helps people feel the best version of themselves. We've invited Lisa onto the show here on women's radio station. The show is Love Lessons where we're helping people, I guess find build deep and romantic connection and feel the most confident version of themselves in whichever, you know, part of the path of romantic relationships that they're on. So it's amazing to have Lisa here on the show. After the break, we're going to be talking all about overcoming a lacking of confidence if that's how you feel, you know, working on self love and being the most confident version of yourself. 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For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons Live. We're here on Women's Radio Station talking about cultivating confidence, stepping into your power as a confident single and how to get there if it doesn't feel quite there yet for you. So welcome back to Lisa Phillips, our guest for today. Thank you. It's good to be back. Amazing to have you on the show. And so far, for those of you tuning in, we have been discussing what is confidence? What does it mean? What holds us back from being confident if we don't feel our most confident selves? And what to do if you're a new single and thinking about getting back out there, dating if there is a void that needs to be. And Lisa was just telling us not to attract someone into your life to fill that void, but to fill it yourself. Take stock and then go ahead and think about who it is that you'd like to attract into your life. So thanks for joining us, Lisa, pleasure. I would like to now get to grips with how singles can overcome a lacking of confidence, how they can get ready for love by starting with self love. So firstly, I'd like to talk to you in this segment of creating about creating goals and how you help people get aligned with where they are now and where they'd like to be and help them create their confidence journey. Sure. Good question. Again, there's always a gap. There's always a gap between where you are and where you want to be. And I think that's a really good thing to understand. So one of the first things is identifying where do you want to be? What are your confidence preferences? And I think that's really important because I have people come to see me and they say, I want to be the life and soul of the party. I want to. Want to be the person who's out on dates all the time. And I say, do you really? And they're like, well, no, actually, I just want. I'm an introvert and I just want somebody to knock on my door. And you know what? That's okay because we have this idea in life that being confident is about being the extrovert. It is about being the life and soul of the party. But you know what? For a lot of people, maybe it's about speaking up. Maybe it's about learning to say no. Maybe it's about, you know, sex with the light on. Everybody is different. Do you know what, Lisa? I think it's so interesting what you're saying about, I guess, being confident, you being comfortable in yourself, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert. Confidence isn't always being an extrovert. It's taken me after, I guess, like nine, ten years in the dating industry, and only this year have I learned that I'm actually an introvert that puts herself in really extrovert situations. Do you know what? You and I must be the same because I am absolutely just like you. I am an introvert. I speak in front of thousands of people. I've been on TV numerous times. But I am an introvert and I hate going out in big groups. The thought of sort of networking is something that I just don't do. I totally get what you say. And isn't it more important to own that? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. I think it's so interesting that you touch on that because not many people talk about it. And I guess it's one for another show because we could talk endlessly about it. But, you know, if you, you know, as Lisa says, if you're an introvert, own the fact that you are and get really comfortable with it and only put your. Yes, you know, confidence grows by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. But know your limits with that as well, I would say. What about you? That's right. Totally. I talk all the time in my coaching about only do things that make you feel good. And when you feel good, you will become more confident. When you're. You're surrounded by people that you align with and you enjoy and you're similar, like attracts, like, you're going to be more confident, you're going to feel more authentic. That makes you more attractive. You're much more likely to go out and perhaps meet the person you want to or as if you're forcing yourself to do something which I call upstream or taking your canoe upstream, your, your vibes will be down, you won't feel so good, you'll be pushing yourself, you'll be faking it till you make it, which I'm not a huge fan of. So own your confidence preferences. You know, own that for me. One on one heart based conversations. Love them. Networking sucks. My will to live. Okay, so identify your own confidence preferences. How do you want to feel? Yeah, I think, you know, I think it's really interesting what you say because obviously a lot of the advice that's out there after, you know, a breakup or if you just look, if you're looking to broaden your social circles is to get out there networking, put yourself in big rooms of people. But you're so right, it's not there for everyone and it's not comfortable and it's not enjoyable. And if it doesn't feel right or good, then don't do it, but don't do what's right for you. So, Lisa, just back to the original question of, you know, how do you help people identify how big the cat the gap is? From not being confident to getting in line with those confidence goals. How do you help them figure out that gap, how big it is? Well, first of all, just as I said, identify how you want to feel when it comes to your confidence. You know, do you want to feel assertive? Do you want to feel that nobody's, you're not worried about what people think. Do you want to feel worthy? Do you want to feel deserving? Do you want to feel that you walk in your room and you know you're okay. Whatever happens happens because it's about the feelings. So identify those first, then identify where you are. Now there's a gap. So what has to happen? And actually for me, it's not a going out there gap, it's an emotional gap. So let's just say you want to feel that people don't worry. People aren't talking about you worrying what people think. Let's just say, because that's a big one. So where you are now, feel how nice it would be. Feel how nice it would be to just not worry about what people think, to be yourself, to relax, to not worry about being judged, to feel like you feel that in your body. Elevate that emotion. And every time you elevate now what you want in the future, you are closing the gap. So it's about identifying what you want and then feel it now as if it's already happening. And that is the quickest and easiest way to close the gap. It's with your body. Listen to your body. Feel how you want your life to feel. Lisa, how do you, other than, you know, working towards those goals, how do you help people measure how far they've come? Because, you know, you and I talk a lot about taking stock and how important that is to see how far you've come. How do you help them take stock on how far they're progressing into the most confident version of themselves? It's how they feel. It's just how they feel. Everybody is different. It is how they feel. I work with my clients to have them feeling good. When you feel good, it's like taking your canoe downstream. We all know what it's like when we're on those days where we feel good, our vibrations up, we're not bothered about other people. We feel good, we feel worthy, we feel deserving. Life just works. So it's about how you feel. Okay. And you know, I know that you work with clients on eradicating any self sabotaging behaviors and limiting beliefs. Can you first and foremost tell us what your idea and your perception of a limiting belief is? For those that are listening in have no clue what we're talking about. Okay, Limiting belief, anything that holds you back. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy. There's something wrong with me. Nobody's interested in me. I'll never get a date. I'm not deserving. Millie, millions of them. That's a limiting belief and that can stop you from moving forward. Okay, you can say to yourself, I want to meet a great person. I want to go out there and have a date. But if you've got a limiting belief, that rejection is dreadful and you don't want to be rejected. You're never going to move forward. You're going to clash constantly. Okay. So a limiting belief is anything that stops you from really achieving a goal or getting where you want to be. So we've all got them. It's programming, but it's really easy. You don't have to get rid of them. You don't have to be positive all the time because that's not real either. We just have to actually just acknowledge that they are negative beliefs. But soothe them, encourage them. Just accept the part of who we are. Don't fight them. You know, it's about saying, I might have had that belief that I'm not Worthy. But you know what I realize now that, you know, that's 50 years old, that's 40 years old. I've been carrying that around for so long, you know, you wouldn't read the same newspaper as you read 30 years ago and still think everything's true in it. But we still believe some of the beliefs that we've had from sort of two, three years of age. So again, it is about not allowing those beliefs to hold you back and working with them, not against them. Lisa, I'm sure that there will be people listening in who are not so sure that. And haven't kind of pinpointed that, you know, it's the confidence aspect of their lives that's holding them back from living the best version of their lives or attracting the love into their lives that they'd really like. So how can you help people who perhaps might be in denial about lacking in confidence? How do you help them identify? Especially for those who are tuning in, thinking, oh, well, I feel confident, but, you know, perhaps won't ever put themselves in certain situation that help help them grow or expand or attract. I mean, what, what would you say to that? Well, a really simple litmus test is, is, are you where you want to be? Do you feel how you want to feel? Yes. That's a very simple question. Because if you are not where you want to be, if your life isn't working how you want it to work, if you're stuck or if you're, you know, if there's a reoccurring goal or desire that you just don't seem to have achieved, then the chances are there will be a negative belief, a thought pattern or something that's keeping you stuck. Otherwise you would have done it by now. I love how you take these big words such as confidence and ideas of how to work towards them and attract it. And for some people, it's like, you know, it's a big cookie that's got a crumble, you know. And for you, I think you make it really digestible and really simplify it and break it down into actionable, practical steps. And I think that is obviously one of your unique selling points as a, as a coach that is approachable, in fact. So thanks for that. For anyone listening in, I interview people all the time on the show, and for me, I think you make it really digestible. Thank you. It should be, you know, we shouldn't be all wandering around saying, I can't do this because I'm not confident, or I shouldn't do this because I've got self, have got low self. Or saying that confidence is holding me back. You know, like you said, it's not a big thing. It's okay. You can, you can be hugely happy and be okay with not being hugely confident in a way as well. Maybe it's just not your choice. So it's about being real. Authentic confidence. And you often talk about specifically on your website. I've seen it come up a few different times from working on the inside out. And what is it about working from the inside and how does that, you know, I guess radiate on the outside? Tell us a bit about that. Well, I use a very simple adage in my coaching. I like to imagine that life is like a photocopier. And if we stuck, let's say Sarah Louise, we stuck you head first. Yes. Into the photocopier. Yes. This is a magic photocopier, by the way. So instead of just copying you on the outside, it copies you on the inside side. Okay. It copies everything you're thinking, everything you're feeling, everything you're believing, and it spits it out in the out tray. But your out tray is your life. So when I work with my clients, it's like, okay, whatever you're experiencing in your life is actually a copy of what you're believing about yourself. So if you want life to be different, you've got to change what you're putting into the interest way. So if we've got. I work with a lot of clients who, you know, let's say, not good enough. If you have a belief that you're not good enough, that you may not even know if that goes into the photocopier, you're just going to attract situations and other people that really increase that belief that you're not good enough. So if you want to change that, you've got to change what's going in the photocopier. And that's about soothing, encouraging and deciding how do you want to feel? And I want to feel I'm okay. I want to feel there's nothing wrong with me. I want to feel like a good person. I want to feel that, you know, I'm going to be okay. Now you start putting that in the photocopier. We've got a whole different life coming out, love. And that's exciting that ladies and gents listening in, because I'm sure there are some gents out there too. There always is on women's radio station. I would just like to say a big thank you so far to Lisa Phillips of amazing coaching. We're going to be right back after the break. We've been talking this whole show, if you're just tuning in now, about cultivating confidence and how Lisa helps her clients and those out there who are reading her book or, you know, buying into her online coaching sessions, cultivate confidence and grow into the best version of themselves to attract love and life that they deserve. We'll be right back after the break chatting to Lisa. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Tracey Weedon of Brownhill Insurance Company Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal household, high net worth and fine art. You can contact us on 0208-658-4334 or visit our website www.brownhillgroup.co.uk for your free no obligation quotation at Brown Heels. We've got you covered. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. 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We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo. And we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradio station, that's womensradiostn or Facebook women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live here on Women's Radio Station. I'm here with the wonderful Lisa Phillips and we've been talking all about cultivating confidence, getting out there, stepping into your power as a confident solo. Perhaps you know you're looking for love and it's there for you and you feel ready but you don't feel super duper confident. Or perhaps you're still taking stock of a relationship that's just had a line drawn under it and you want to figure out who it is that you are and who it is that you'd like to attract. So welcome back to Lisa. Thank you. It's really nice to be back. What great conversation we're having today. I know, it's so, so wonderful. And for those of you that haven't caught it all, you can tune in at 2pm for the rest of the week and it's available on SoundCloud next week if you are super busy as we all are. So Lisa, we so far have been talking about what confidence means and what can affect our confidence. All of those limiting beliefs and things that get in our own way from being confident. Now I want to talk about a little bit your personal story if that's okay. Sure, absolutely. I'm just going to read something that I read and I thought it was really vulnerable, honest and authentic. On your website, Lisa said I was not, not one of those people who was born with confidence. As a child I was bullied at school and as an adult experienced bullying behavior from a narcissist manager at work. I also spent far too long in a toxic relationship as I didn't have the confidence to get out nor the self belief that I deserve better. I was born a people pleaser. Now Lisa, I know that there'll be so many people out there who can relate, who can resonate and feel, oh, my gosh, I hear you, Lisa. And that's just me as well. Tell us how you worked your way out of that and took stock and got to grips with all of it. Tell us your story. Well, it took a while, actually, to be quite honest, and it's quite interesting. I remember one day and everything in there is, is absolutely 100% true. There's also a divorce in there as well, actually. But I remember one day, I think I was sliding down the fridge actually with a few, well, about to sort of have some sort of breakdown and saying to myself, look, there's one common denominator in all of my issues, whether it's being bullied, being a people pleaser, getting divorced, or being in a very toxic relationship. And that common denominator was me. And that was a wake up call. And I sort of goes, okay, I can't keep going blaming other people because this is a pattern and it's happening over and over again. So it was at that point, actually. I remember getting up and just going, I just can't do this anymore. You know, I really, I was living in Australia at the time and I remember just thinking, I just can't do this. Something has to change. You know, not only was the relationship that I was in at the time toxic, I really didn't have very good beliefs about relationships. I just expected to be heard that all of my relationships hadn't been particularly healthy. And then I realized, you know, it was down to, to me, it was down to the fact that my own negative beliefs, my own limited expectations of how I should be treated. You mentioned a biscuit earlier on. You know, I realized I'd just been happy to accept crumbs. Crumbs of anything. People could treat me how they wanted because I had a void of, of feeling lovable. So as long as I got the occasional biscuit crumb and the void was full for half an hour, then it was enough. And it really took me. I did a lot of work on myself. I had quite a few of those dark nights of the souls and things like that. And obviously then sort of a lot of my own training and developing to be a coach, coach. But it was a lot of soul searching, but really decided, I just don't want to feel like this anymore. And it was a conscious decision for you? It was conscious. It was. I could not actually feel any worse. You know, I was waking up every morning and life did not feel good. And I thought to myself, you know, really, I've got to start looking at why. Why is this happening, men? Why do I keep attracting the same crappy relationships? Why do I keep tracking bullies? And I realized I was a bully to myself. I criticized myself constantly, I put myself down constantly. You know, why was I with an abuser? Well, I was abusing myself by staying in that relationship. You know, why did people walk all over me? Well, because I let them and it became my own journey. And thankfully the journey is a lot easier than staying where I was, you know, so, you know, I never look back now. But it was, yeah, it was very, very interesting. One thing I, you know, I hear you and one thing that I chat to my clients an awful lot about is boundary setting. And it's so right that, you know, when we're growing up and when we're in, you know, situations as young adults or even in work, we often aren't taught how to set our own boundaries about how to be super clear on what it is that we're willing, where we're willing to compromise and when we're not. And it's something that is completely self taught. And I guess for most people we have to really be pushed to our edge and to our limits where we just then are able to say, oh, now I see, now I learn, now I'll take that forward with me and enough is enough. I think there's a lot to be said for educating people on boundary setting and be, I agree negotiating with, you know, what they're willing to not accept into their lives. I would accept anything back then. And just like you said, I hadn't been taught boundaries and also because I had the belief I had to be a nice girl, I didn't want to set boundaries because in my book nice girls didn't set boundaries, you know, which was really interesting as well. So I had a lot of conflicting beliefs there. You know, I was brought up to be a nice girl, never be rude, you know, and when you're in a toxic relationship, you do have to be rude. You do have to say this isn't acceptable. You do have to say, I'm sorry. Well, not even sorry, you know, I deserve better than this. But yeah, those all important boundaries and dealing with the, the knowledge that you have every right to set a boundary and people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. And it's so right. And I think, you know, with, with you know, singles that chat to me about online dating, about always attracting the wrong kinds of people, going on dates or Being in awful relationships. Well, we have to also, like you said earlier, Lisa, is take absolute accountability to that. How did I allow for that to happen? How did I let them think it was okay to treat me that way? Yes. How did I, how did I somehow not communicate my self worth to those people? Lovely questions. Yeah, it's true. Lovely. Well, what do you think? How can we get clear on, on our, on our self worth and creating those really important boundaries? Lisa, it is really starting off with looking at your own view of yourself, your value. How do you see yourself? Do you see yourself as a great catch, somebody who's got lots to offer, or do you see yourself as like, oh, you know, I should just be lucky if anybody's interested in me, which was absolutely what I had. So, you know, it is about you can step into a relationship thinking that other people are better than you or you can step in as an equal. Yeah. But again, coming back to yourself, looking at what do you think you deserve? You know, what do you think's wrong with me? The amount of people I coach that just say, well, I'm just not good enough, I just don't make the mark. There's something wrong with me. You know, relationships for other people or very interestingly what you said, a lot of us don't have very good role models of what a healthy relationship actually is. And if we don't know, we don't know. You know, we can't beat ourselves up for that. But we can find out. Knowledge is absolute power, Lisa. Where can people find you? Where can they work with you? Where can they get your book? Tell us a little bit about that before we wrap up. Sure. Well, actually I've been based in Sydney, Australia for the past 20 years. Welcome back. Yes, thank you. But I returned back to the UK 18 months ago and I'm based in Northamptonshire for one to one coaching. But I offer online Skype coaching exactly the same. We just do it over Skype so you can be anywhere in the world. And I do obviously come down to London a couple of days a week. My book is called the Confidence Coach. It's by Lisa Phillips. You can find it in most good bookshops, Amazon obviously and it's in an E copy or there's paperback copy there as well. Join me on my Facebook page. It's all amazing coaching. The website amazingcoaching.co.uk there's free blogs and just would be lovely if you've heard this interval today. If you've enjoyed this interview, please get in touch as well. Do get in touch with me. It's always nice to get feedback, isn't it? It's lovely to know that people are listening. Nice. Thank you so much, Lise. It's been an absolute pleasure to talk cultivating confidence with you today on the show. Next week on the show we're going to talking about getting confident with the outer body. So we're going to be talking confidence laid bare with Bear dating app and I'm super duper excited to welcome them on the show. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and this is Love Lessons and we'll see you again next week. Thanks, Lisa. Thank you. Welcome to the women's radio station Supporting women's wellbeing. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up on get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. 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