Love Lessons – From Heartbreak To Heart – Make

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons. This is the show where we discuss everything from dating, relationships, breakups and divorce all the way to starting over again as a confident single. Got a really exciting show today. Today we're going to be discussing going from heartbreak to heart make with Theresia Young. She is the confidence restyler and we're going to be getting to grips with with everything from surviving a breakup emotionally, starting over again as a solo with lots of self care, the practical steps to taking care of yourself and going from confused to calm and feeling a little bit more collected as a single and finally, how to bounce back as the most confident version of yourself. Going from heartbreak to heart make so welcome Theresia. Hello, Sarah. Thank you for having me. It's amazing to be here. It's so exciting to have you on the show because, you know, often people think about breakups, heartbreak, divorce and all that stuff, but all you ever really hear about is confidence thereafter and finding you and reading all about you and specifically saying that you help people go from heartbreak to heart make it's very clear what it is that you do. So I'm really excited. I'm sure the listeners are very excited to have you here on the show. Thank you. So let's talk about surviving a breakup. When we talk about breakup survival, what goes around in your head, you have this feeling of will this ever get better? Because there can be so many reasons for a breakup and it can hit you either really suddenly or it can be on the horizons because you've been having some relationship issues. You might be the person who caused the breakup yourself or. Or it may be the person who has given you that news. But the first thing that comes to particularly in my mind was, will I get through this? Will I ever be normal again? Will life get better? Because it's almost like you have all of your dreams riding on connecting with this person. And when you are connecting with this person, your dreams are dashed. It's like you relied on this person, you counted on them, your future plans are with them, and it feels like a part of you goes missing. It's like grieving. It's like a deep loss. So the first thing that I think is, can I get through this? How can I get through this? Will this ever end? You're so right. Just thinking about the clients that I have and have had and any personal experiences and all that. And I'm sure, you know, we've all been there at some point. We've been through a breakup, experienced, you know, a Sense of loss and knowing, you know, what I've seen with clients and past clients, it is that initial how and if and when am I ever going to get through this? So with your clients, what is it that you specifically do and how do you help them? We'll talk so much more about it later in the show, but just to give the listeners a bit of context as to what it is that you do, can you tell us a bit more about that? Yeah, sure, absolutely. The first thing is to go gently on yourself because this is a process of healing and there's going to be so many different stages that you go through with regards to the healing process. And the first thing is to just numb into it at first, Just fully embrace the emotions. It's so important that you honour your emotions that you're feeling. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel hurt, it's okay to cry, it's okay to go through a period of depression if that's what you go through. The thing is, is that you can overcome it. So the first thing that I do with my clients is to work on the thoughts, the feelings and emotions that are coming. Because if you don't get to the root cause of how you're feeling, you're just putting a plaster on the wound. You go out there, you can smile, you can act like everything's normal, put on a brave face. But if you're not deeply feeling that, it's just a show and you need to get to the root cause. So that's what I initially do. We start to work on your belief system, your values and what you are all about. And then we can move forward with some practical actions as to, okay, what is the next stage for you? What does that look like for you? You know, for me, it's so clear what you're saying because you have this way of making it really concise in terms of breaking down the thoughts, the feelings and the emot and, you know, breakups and heartbreak and divorce and all of those things that I guess mean drawing a line under a relationship. It can feel like all consuming and quite overwhelming. So what is the first step of dealing with those three things that we've just mentioned, when they come to you just getting to grips with which one it is that's overwhelming them the most, or what would you say? Absolutely. So firstly, I do encourage people just to do it, a little bit of journaling, just to get it all out. So what exactly is going through your thought process in that moment now? What is triggering you what exactly are you feeling hurt about? And I think that's the main thing, is to understand what it is. Is it the actual breakup, or is it the fact that you're grieving a loss, or is it the fact that you feel lonely? Because loneliness is on the increase in the UK and people fear that disconnection from people. So I really like to get to the root cause of understanding what it is that has triggered that feeling. Then once we get. It's important work out one thing at a time, I think, because everything's so overwhelming, Sarah, when it comes to breakups. So the first thing you do is get to the root cause of what is that main trigger. Then what you seem to identify is that when you get to the root cause, lots of things start to spiral off afterwards around it. So, firstly, is, what is it about that situation that is really hurting you? It sounds to me that I'm trying to visualize, you know, how you work so closely with these people, are going through these heavy emotions, and it sounds a lot like you're helping them map a path to moving forward with those triggers. So talk to me about the process. So you were talking about, you know, emotionally, what we go through in terms of the hurt. So for anyone that's listening in that has really no clue how to understand the slices to the heartbreak cake. If we had to put it into, you know, terminology, what are those slices of the cake that they go through? Can you explain that to us? Yeah, sure. So a lot of it is about, I know that, the grieving process and how you feel about it, because at first you may be feeling a little bit in denial about the situation. So we have to further get to the position where you are just absorbing the fact that it has happened and getting to the understanding. So when we get to that point of denial, you look at the emotions and you say, so what is that triggering? Are you feeling lonely? Are you feeling sad? Are you feeling angry? Are you feeling resentment? Are you blaming? And then we have to think about, is there any past situations which is triggering that? So, for example, any past experience. Experiences. Perhaps you've been through a breakup before, and what that doing is just bringing up some limiting beliefs. So I think the thing that we do is that when we work on the emotions, then we can work backwards onto what limiting beliefs are coming out of that. And then we work through, okay, so why have you got that limiting belief? What was the trigger before? How can we test that? What's your evidence for having that limiting belief? What are your fears around this situation. So we firstly work on the fears. Yeah, so interesting. A few things that you said I've really picked up on and when you were talking before about, you know, experiencing the loss, is it the loss of the love or is it the loss, I guess, of a companion and a closeness that's, you know, triggered feelings of loneliness. How much of that are you seeing? Especially in the capital such as London, you know, there are so many people, but there's such overwhelming feelings of loneliness. And that's why I often find I'm helping people navigate through situations where they've got lots of different people that they're dating. They're not technically exclusive or sexclusive with, you know, anyone that they're dating because they're trying to fill a void of loneliness. And I guess, talk to me about that. What are you seeing with your clients and in general, because you've mentioned it a couple of times and it's so interesting. I mean, as I said, loneliness is on the increase here in the UK and particularly in London. And that's because as humans we thrive on connection. We thrive on, you know, having that social interaction with people and we are very much caught behind our mobile phones at the moment and there's nothing like face to face connection. So therefore it's quite a unique position to be in when you have a companion, if you have a soul mate, and when you lose also that physical presence, it's that loneliness. Who do I turn to? Because our different love languages that we all speak and for a lot of people, physical touch is one of those love languages and when that is absent, you absolutely feel it. You may have been with somebody and you held their hand down the street, you may have done shopping with that person, lived your day to day life with that person. Sudden you're doing all of that alone and it can be quite overwhelming. Then you start to look at the other couples who seem to be quite happy and you think, oh, okay, they're moving on with life and it starts to trigger you and you start to have memories. So I'm finding that a lot of people are tapped into this loneliness because we are stuck behind our phones. And yes, there is connection, but there's nothing like having that physical connection with somebody. It's so interesting that you mentioned being stuck behind, you know, your phone or our phones because later on in the show I'm going to be talking to you a lot about how we use scrolling through social media as a coping mechanism when it comes to breakups, divorce, heartbreak, because we don't Want to get in touch with our emotions because we A, don't know how to or B, it feels completely overwhelming. And I guess that's really where you come in with the clients that you have and the work that you do in the dating and relationship industry, helping people, those emotions that can feel too heavy and overwhelming. So I wanted to ask you to give us an overview of the kind of highs and lows that we feel when we've just become so low and, you know, we're trying to get to grips. How can we become clear on our emotions and deal with the low moods and appreciate the highs? Talk to us about that. Yeah, absolutely. I think when it comes to the low moods is to know that we are going to have our off days and it's going into that low mood to say, okay, so what am I feeling? What is going on in my mind at the moment when I'm going through a low mood? And then tap into your body. What sensations am I feeling at that time? Really feel that body. Because our body is our temple and sometimes we can neglect that, especially when we are going through a down phase. We might not eat, we might not sleep. It's important that you tap into that. And then also if you are on a spiritual level, tap into that. How are you nourishing yourself on a daily basis? Are you doing anything? Prayers, meditation, yoga? Really tap into that. Because what you can do is you can elevate yourself, you can uplift yourself in those low moods, but it's just to really accept the fact that you are going for a low mood and it's okay. Oh, gosh. I definitely want to get into that after the break because we want to talk about finding your sense of calm and if that comes with, you know, getting grounded and getting centered, however that looks for you, whether it is like you say, praying or meditating or finding a sense of calm like with Zen or maybe it's an exercise. For me, just an overshare is swimming. I love not having my phone and not having to speak to anyone for a moment and taking a swim. And that's how I find my calm. But I guess we'll take some top tips from you. So just a very quick fire. Three top tip round with words. What would we say about survival of a breakup? Firstly, know that it may feel like overwhelming at the moment, but you will get through this. You will heal. Secondly, just make sure that you are honoring your feelings and your emotions. It's okay to feel down and be. Find some practical help, you know, and find tools and tips in order to get you through it. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and this is Love Lessons. We'll be right back after the break with Theresa Young and we'll be talking heartbreak. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. 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To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio station supporting women's wellbeing, women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women. And we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter mensradio station, that's womens radio stn or Facebook women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons. I'm here today with Theresa Young and we're talking about going from heartbreak a heart make. And so far in the show we've talked about the practical steps to surviving a breakup and we're going to delve right into finding calm, starting over as a solo with lots of self care, taking care of yourself, your well being, your mindset and all of that jazz because it's so important. And then later on in the show we're going to be talking about the bounce back going from actual heartbreak to total heart make. And Teresa is going to give us all the top tips of how she helps people do that. So welcome back, Theresia. Thank you very much. Great to have you here. And I'd love to know what your take on the hardest part of starting over after a breakup is. It's doing this alone. It is a self love journey. And I know there are lots of people out there who want to bounce back by finding love immediately. And that can be pretty scary. The rebound. The rebound. It's the bounce back. I need that desperation energy that you get craving that happiness from somebody else. But happiness is something internal. It's created within. And if you cannot pour into your own cup, you cannot pour into the cup of other people. It's a self love journey and that is sometimes the most difficult thing for people to get hold of that I do need to do the inner work you have to build a relationship from the inside out. So just a moment ago you said a sense of having this desperation energy. Like I guess my interpretation is filling a void and just, you know, totally trying your best in the only way, I guess you know how with the tools in your box to eradicate loneliness. But how can we instead of eradicating loneliness, eradicate that energy that you know, has a, an air of desperation. Of course I think the main thing to understand is that you are not alone. There are if there is help out there, but it's to find that connection with you because you can fill your own void. And I think that's so important for people to understand that self love is a journey, it's not a destination. And you can only give as much love as you have for yourself. So it's so important that when it comes to the healing that you start working on yourself, that you start fully connecting with you and understanding what you are all about so that you can be confident in loving yourself and loving somebody else again. Interestingly enough, like you're talk, like we were talking before about, you know, not, I guess, not feeling whole. And that's why you're looking for somebody else to help fill that void. How can we, you know, do ourselves justice by working on building that hole if we're feeling lacking somewhere? Yeah, it's a process. As I say, it's a healing process. And I think the first thing is understanding the power of forgiveness. And I am very big on forgiveness. And we aren't saying that you are condoning the other person's actions at all. You're not saying it was right what they'd done to me, I was deserving of it. What it is is just releasing yourself from all of that pain and just saying I can move on. There's an analogy that I like to use actually, when it comes to forgiveness that I help my clients with, which is it's not the snake bite that kills, it's the venom. Yes. So the snake bite is actually the breakup, the situation that you're having. But the venom is all of the thoughts, the feelings and emotions that are running through your veins that is slowly poisoning your beauty. And it's not letting that venom take hold of you. It's not letting your thoughts and your feelings overwhelm you. It's a case of. Of saying, you know what? Forgiveness is the anti venom. Forgiveness is the healer. And I'm so keen on that because once you can release yourself from those burdening thoughts that you're having and exchange them for empowering thoughts. I can do this. Yes. Doing some processes, such as affirmations, they can really start to help you through that process. So interesting. Forgiveness really is key. Like in any situation that you felt hasn't gone in a way in which you had planned in your mind, and it's somewhat deviated from that mental plan. I have the saying of forgive yourself for not having the foresight to see what you now know in hindsight. And I guess it's not just about forgiveness for the person that has left you or you have left them for the relationship that hasn't Quite worked out the way you planned. But forgiveness for yourself, for the time that you've invested, the energy, you've invested the money, the assets, the building of families together, it's a forgiveness for yourself as well, right? It is. And it's not a blame situation. It's not to blame yourself. It's not to blame the other person necessarily. It's just to release yourself from those thoughts. Because we are powerful thinkers, and when we can change our thoughts and our feelings into ones that are going to elevate us and lift our energy and our moods, it's such a better position to be in. But it is a process. No one's expecting anybody to go straight from, oh, I'm feeling really sad and really angry, to suddenly I'm bouncing back. It is a process, and I think it's important that we take time with the process and not necessarily just go on the rebound like we were saying at the start. Yeah. And digesting every aspect of the process because there will be highs, there will be lows. And really interesting how you saying, you know, about the thoughts, and thoughts do become things, don't they? So do you find that when it comes to breakups and heartbreak and divorce, all that stuff, it's all under the same, I guess, umbrella of feeling a loss somehow? Do you find that blame is a game that wants to be played more often than not, when it comes to breakups? I think the first thing is blame. I do think it. Because there is a process that you go through and you're feeling rejected and you're feeling abandoned during that process. So I think automatically there is a blame culture that we have out there because we're feeling vulnerable. We made ourselves vulnerable to that person. We opened. We have our goals and our dreams as a person, and you've taken that away from me. And that's how you feel. You feel robbed of life, of your future. So you start to blame that person, but then you also start to blame yourself. You go through that period of regret. Could I have done anything differently? Could I have been a better partner? Was I as bad as that person makes me out to be? Could I have changed the way that I did things? Or did I miss the red flags? You start to question yourself so much and gosh, and, you know, just a little bit of tough love. The idea that the world owes us something after any trauma and that, gosh, I've given so much to this, or I've given so much to him or to her or to, you know, so much love or whatever that the blame game can come with a sense of you being owed something from the world. And that can often be a process after recovery in any trauma, really. So how can we focus more on being grateful for what we do have, you know, to overcome the grief of a loss of love? Yes. I mean, as I mentioned before, journaling is so good in terms of witnessing your thoughts, your feelings, and your emotions. To be able to sit back and sometimes ask yourself, would I say to myself what I just said to a child? If you wouldn't say that to a child, why would you say that to yourself? It's important that you go through that process and journal a lot what is triggering you. And also, I feel that appreciation lists can be really, really good. So make two lists. I would say one list about everything that you are grateful for in life and also grateful for about yourself. And then a second list is all about the positive achievements and accomplishments that you've made in your life and place them somewhere in your house or by your desk or at work, somewhere quite visible on your fridge, maybe, where you can look at these lists and really, truly appreciate what. Just what an amazing person you are and the amazing life that you do have. Because sometimes when we are in that situation, we rob ourselves from seeing the beauty of what is actually around us. So interesting. I'm so grateful to have you. I'm talking about gratitude to have you on the show. Because your insights into how we process a breakup are really interesting. And what just came up for me then is that when we process a breakup, we can often find ourselves coming from a place of lack. And when it comes to, you know, focusing on the lack and how the thoughts then become things, we're attracting more of the lack in that area into our life. But when we really focus on how we are abundant in other areas, areas of our lives, we end up attracting more, you know, high vibes and energy and more abundance in other areas completely. It's so important that you pay attention to what you are paying attention to, because energy flows where your attention goes. So if you are focusing on lack by the law of attraction, as I believe you then inherit more of that lack mentality. Or if you focus on the positives, focus on overcoming that situation, Visualize where your life is going to be when you have bounced back. What do you want your relationship to be like with yourself and with other people's focus on the end goal. Sometimes we can focus so much on what we're lacking in our lives that we forget to do what it is that you've just told us to do, which is to see how far we've come to check in and, you know, do a stock take on our achievements. And when we do that, you're so right that we do start to feel more grateful for what it is. And we start to feel, I guess, more whole. And, you know, when we, when our energy's out there and high vibes and positive, then we're about to attract the right kind of love into our lives. If it's there for you, if that's right for you, you know. Absolutely. And I would say that your evidence is that you have loved before so you can love again. That is your proof in the pudding. So you may not have that love right at the moment, but your evidence is there. You have loved, you've received loved. It can happen again. You're able to love again, you're able, and you are able to receive love again. So we were talking very cheekily in the break a little bit about creating routine and structure and how important that is alongside journaling. And so that's just something that I'd like to add to the mix about being practical in paving the path forward after a breakup. I think creating a sense of routine, if you're feeling a little bit out of sorts and out of control, that being routine in your self care, being routine in your day, so you have a sense of control of your feeling out of sores is really important as well as feeling grateful and journaling and all of that stuff. So could you give us a quick fire round of your top tips from this segment of, you know, starting over again and feeling a bit more wholesome? Absolutely. So firstly, I would say to embrace the power of vulnerability and embrace forgiveness. It is a process, but understand that it's absolutely okay to let go of the burdening feelings that you are having. So really embrace forgiveness. It is key to the healing process. The second thing, as I said before, is really work on those appreciation lifts and put them somewhere visible. You may even want to have a reminder on your phone that comes up every couple of hours to say, hey, I've got one that comes up on my phone actually every couple of hours saying, be nice to you. So every four hours it gives a nice little trigger to me to say, be nice to me if I'm having any thoughts, feelings and emotions that aren't of good high vibration. And also I would say the third tip is to journal, get your thoughts out there. And I'm going to add to what you said, Sarah. Routine is key structure because that's what you have control of and it can make you feel so much more balanced if you know what is happening each day. So exciting that we're going from heartbreak to heart. Make with the confidence restyle that is Theresa Young. And after the break, we'll be talking everything from getting out of confusion and getting into a place of control and feeling calm about it all. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and this is Love Lessons and we will be right back. 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Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the Women's Radio station supporting women's well being. Women's Radio station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women's radio station supporting women's well being. Hello and welcome back to Love Lessons. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and today we're going from heartbreak to heart mate with Theresa Young. Welcome back, Theresia. Hello. Thank you and so wonderful to have you here. So far on the show we've talked about how to survive a breakup and the emotional aspects. We've also talked about starting over again as a solo kind of thinking about self care, routine journaling and all that stuff. But right now I want to talk about going from a sense of confusion, which it can be, you know, you can feel so confused during a breakup and to finding that space of calm and feeling a bit more collected with how you feel, a bit more collective with your thoughts and also with paving the path forward. So I want to kind of get to grips with how we try and rush forward to that stage of where we want to feel acceptant with ourselves and with our thoughts and with the breakup itself and how we can just scrape it back a little bit and go through the cycle slowly but surely and effectively. So what are your takes? Not enough coffee as always. What's your take on that? Well, I have to say that a lot of it was my own personal learning experience because I have to say that everyone has the ups and downs when it comes to relationships. But I felt that I had one of the biggest heartbreaks in my life back in 2008 when a long term relationship ended suddenly. I had no idea that it was going to happen. There was no communication issues. But suddenly this person that I was with decided to call it a day and I went into a desperation energy and I thought I need to find somebody. I need to get to the acceptance stage and move on quickly. It didn't happen like that for me at all. I went into one of the deepest depressions of my life and it was a really tricky stage for me for a year and a half that I went through this issue. And it got to the point one day back in 2009 in a very cold December Evening where I decided I didn't want to be here anymore. I decided that I had enough with the world. And at that time I took an impulsive overdose and I said bye bye to the world. And I didn't expect to wake up the next day. But I'm here, I'm talking to you, Sarah. So quite clearly I said it's not my time to go and I need to heal. And through this journey, I'm going to understand what the healing process is and I'm going to help other people to do that. So I started to understand. I got some help myself, I got some cbt, got needed behavioural therapy, and I started to work out what my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions were. And through that I understand that there is a grief process that we go through. And whilst we want to get to the acceptance stage, you have to work through that first stage, which was my ultimate denial. This cannot be happening to me right now. And I felt numbness, I felt I couldn't move on. And I've realized that that is a really fundamental part of the grief process because it helps you to ease into the grief. You're not quite feeling the heaviness that you're going to feel later on in that journey, but. But it's important not to get stuck there. Teresha, thank you so much for sharing your personal story. And I just really admire the fact that you help people professionally through this and you are, you know, acceptant and vulnerable enough to, you know, come on here, feel comfortable to share your story. Because there are a few things that, in terms of my take on that, is that you are allowing any listeners that are tuned in to find a space of being vulnerable themselves. Because in the first segment of the show, we talked a little bit very briefly on vulnerability, but we didn't delve into it too much. And I. One of my thoughts was often people are not ready to find that vulnerability in themselves, to share with other people how they're truly feeling other than the fact that they've been through a breakup and they are in a space of denial. And so you sharing your story will open up so many people to feel confident enough to either accept or share theirs. So thank you so much for that. Oh, you're so welcome. And so the thing is, and I've written a blog about heartbreak before, and one of the things that I wrote was that the emotions can feel overwhelming, that they can feel like a grief that's too heavy to bear. And somehow in your story, it sounds the same that the weight of the grief and the emotions were too heavy and for you on that December day to bear. And so when you, when you woke up and when you started your new chapter, what were your first thoughts? My first thoughts is that I am deserving of loving myself. And I said, I'm going to shine bright like a diamond and I'm going to radiate the best of me to the world. And there is more to life than this. I'm not going to have somebody else take my power away from me. I control everything and all aspects of my life. So I took charge my thoughts, my feelings and emotions and I went through a process of healing whereby, yes, you have your triggers and there will be anniversaries, there will be birthdays and things that crop up that trigger and elicit those memories. But it's moving yourself to a better feeling state. And that's what I help myself to do, help my clients to do, is to work through that process. You will feel angry at times, that's okay. You may even go through the bargaining stage where you want to go back and you want to fix the relationship with somebody. I will be different if you take me back. You know, you might, I will change now. What could I do differently? You know, you may be thinking that hindsight is 20 20. I wish hindsight was 20 20. And all of those feelings of guilt and also regret that come through and then you have depression. You know, that feeling of it hits home. The bargaining hasn't worked. He doesn't want me back or she doesn't want me back. Where do I go now? And it's very different to clinical depression whereby, you know, you might be feeling really overwhelmed and you might be going to see a doctor. This is quite a natural part of the grieving process when it comes to a significant loss of a relationship. It's that feeling of loss of sleep, not eaten right. You might not quite feel yourself. And when you absorb into that, it's really important to know that you may bounce along this journey of grief and healing. You may go back to denial, you may go back to anger. But there is that final stage, there is the acceptance stage that I got to in my life and helped me to bounce back to fully love myself and also to start fully connecting with other people. That led me to find another relationship along with my journey and having a beautiful two year old daughter. That's so amazing. And today for those of you, obviously, you can't see Theresia. She looks absolutely incredible and her energy really radiates here in the studio. And you can see that you put out so much positive vibes into the world. And you know, it's so right what you say. We all do deserve the best love and the best level of happiness. But a lot of things that came up for me is that we only tend to accept what we think that we deserve. And you know, when it comes to a breakup, even though it may not have been our decision, for anyone listening in, that they've just had a breakup and it wasn't their decision to make, or that it was made out of their control, whatever, you can be accountable to yourself. And you know, we are in the driving seat of our lives. And when you pass over the power, like you were saying before, Teresa, is that you feel more so out of control than you, you know, may have done before in other circumstances. So you have to be accountable that this is your life and you're going to lead it how you like. But if you are stuck in denial and bargaining, you're passing that power over. How can, how can we take control and stop passing that power over? If you've got any tips on that, absolutely. Firstly, I think it's knowing who you are, knowing who is you, and being your best version, your authentic self. So it's about bouncing back. There was that saying, home is where the heart is, and it's about coming back to yourself, you know, coming back to your heart. What are you all about? What is your purpose in life? What is it you want to achieve? What is your passions? Are there any renewed hobbies that you can revisit? Also really understanding what your values are, you know, because if you want to find love in the future, finding a compatible partner is about having shared core values. But what are your values? Because you may have be in a sense of confusion because you don't actually know what you stand for. You don't actually know what is important to you. And then also is understanding your belief system because the beliefs are just thoughts that have been repeated over time and they just start to embed in you. So it's just getting rid of those limiting beliefs that you may have about it in order to get yourself back from that feeling of, I can't do this, to say I can. Affirmations are so powerful as well. When you're going through that healing process, do you think that in relationships we can get so wrapped up in our relationship that we lose our individual self, sense of purpose and that's somehow why we feel at a bigger loss than we might have done before? Absolutely. I feel that when it Comes to relationship. There are sometimes an element of codependency that exists in relationships and it's nice to have that dependency on somebody to a certain extent. You also need to have that personal space. And I think personal space and boundaries is so important in a relationship. Elements of me time so that you can go out there, whatever me time may mean for you, it's just to have that individuality because together, your differences actually will bring you together and make life a little bit more interesting. Yes, exactly. You know, and we all want to lead an interesting and live an interesting life. And when your interests become one and you feel that while it's beautiful that the idea that you are one, you know, it really resonates with a lot of people because that's what we're told more often than not, that we're looking for the one and that there is only one. But. But I am a huge believer that people come into your life for a reason. A season or they, you know that age old saying, they stay for a lifetime. And that in my mind, which, you know, a lot of people may not agree, but it comes with not having a one. Because how in my mind can it be possible for us to have a one if we've loved so deeply before and we will love so deeply again? Because like you said, the proof is in the pudding. The proof is independent. Exactly. And sometimes we think that people are there for a life story, but they're only there for a chapter. And it's about creating a new chapter of life, a new beginning. Natural fact, I think is a bittersweet beginning sometimes when it comes to a breakup because it allows you to fully tap into it. It's a lesson and there's a learning from it so that you can become more fully yourself, you can become a different person if you need, or you can express more of you in a different way. So interesting. And I think that the more we stop focusing on the fact that. Oh, sorry, the idea, not the, that fact that that person was the one or that we've had our one and that's that that, you know, done and dusted and that's it, then the more we open ourselves up to loving ourselves and feeling more whole and to again attracting love into our life in the future. So if you could give us, you know, a quick fire round of three top tips to finding that space and calm and acceptance, what would they be? Absolutely. For the first thing I would say is to fully understand the grief process and if you need to look a little bit more into it, I hope I say her name right. It's Elizabeth Coober Ross. She has got the five stages to grief. Have a look into that so that you can understand fully what that process may look like for you. I would say to factor in some me time, always embed that note, a bit of self care each day, just for you, whatever that may look like. Could be five, 15 minutes. And then thirdly, I would just say is just to make sure that you are always taking care of you, whatever taking care of you means to yourself, to make sure that you are feeling good as much as you can. Go gently on yourselves. Yeah. It is about, you know, going gently and not being so hard on yourself during a breakup. So I'm Sarah Louise Ryan here with Theresa Young and this is going from heartbreak to heartbreak. Oh, to heartmake on Love Lessons. We'll be right back. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic Women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Tracey Weeden of Brownhill Insurance Group. We are an award winning family run insurance broker covering a wide range of insurance products ranging from commercial lines to personal household, high net worth and fine art. You can contact us on 0208-658-4334 or visit our website www.brownhillgroup.co.uk for your free no obligation quotation at Brownhill Heels. 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Join us on Instagram and Twitter womensradiostation, that's womensradio STN or Facebook women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons. I'm delighted that you're here, tuning in. I'm here with Theresia Young, the confidence restyler. And today we're talking about going from heartbreak to heart make. And this is going to be all about bouncing back in the next segment. So we're going to be talking about how to rediscover the confidence that's definitely within you and how to pave that path forward, you know, as gracefully as we possibly can. So so far, if you're just tuning in, we've talked about how to survive a breakup, starting over again as a solo, using lots of self care, journaling and all that jazz. And we've talked about going from confused to calm, feeling collected and getting back in the driving seat, feeling in control. So welcome back, Theresia. Thank you. I'm delighted to have you here today. What a wonderful show it's been so far. Thank you. So earlier on in the show I mentioned that, you know, we can often find ourselves scrolling endlessly through social media, the likes of, you know, those image platforms, not naming any names. And on that, you know, we tell people about our day, how we're feeling that other platform and if it's right or feels right. But perhaps not joining online dating during a breakup because we think, oh my gosh, need to fill that void, need to fill that Sense of loneliness immediately. And so what we can find ourselves doing is endless scrolling. Why do we use it? Why do we do it? As a coping mechanism. We do it because it's a distraction. Get my words out. It's a distraction from dealing with the wounds because there is a deep wound there. What the easiest thing for us to do is to put a plaster over that wound and to tap back into the world. And as we say, it's lovely to feel connected with people and it is a form of connection, but it's almost a sense, a full sense of connection in a way because you're not actually dealing with the issue. Because take that phone away from you, take that platform. I mean the other day and then some of the major platforms were down, you couldn't upload any images, you couldn't do anything on the platforms and people were without their phones. And the freak out that people were having was absolutely insane. The posts on social media about, I cannot do this, I cannot connect the pressure and the worry. Well, I was just saying, you know, take it as a sign that you need to go for a swim or have a mint tea and just go for a walk or something. Enjoy real life connection with yourself or with other people. That's what it is. We have that sense of absence and we feel that loneliness when we're not connecting with somebody. That's not the fix for when you are going through a heartbreak situation. It actually is better for you to deal with the problem at the root cause. And the thing is, looks can be absolutely deceiving. Whether that is the fact that your ex partner has joined, you know, a dating site which I've heard lots of clients talking about, you know, he or she has jumped back onto a dating app because certain, a certain someone had said they'd seen them or whatnot. But the thing is, looks can be deceiving because they're often doing that to get a hit of, you know, the feel good factor, the serotonin. When you make a match or someone saying, I like you, I see you and I want to validate you. Well, when the feelings of low mood kick in during a breakup, then you just want to feel good about yourself. And often it can be about posting a picture and looking okay and people liking it or getting all of those swipe rights on an online dating platform. Isn't that right? That's absolutely correct. And it is short term. It's very, very short term. Because when you don't get those lights, you go into paranoia. Why has that person not responded as Quickly as possible, or did my picture not look good? Am I not attractive? You start to question yourself so much. So obviously there's a part of yourself that isn't fully healed. You're lacking confidence in an area, and it's understanding those areas that needs to be built from within first before you go out there and start dating people quite artificially. You're not coming from your authentic self at all. You're coming from a very artificial self, which is okay, we understand it's probably the process that you're going through, but at the end of the day, it's not necessarily the most helpful process to go through. Really interesting that you've got this idea of the artificial self and the authentic self and, you know, being very clear on what those two things mean. So want to touch on that in a moment. But just a quick question to you. If, you know, we go for a breakup and when, for those people going through it and listening in, what do you recommend about deleting blocking our ex partners or deleting our own social media dating profiles? What do you reckon? What is the right or wrong thing to do? I would say you need to understand the reason for why you are doing that because there's a sense of willpower that comes to it. Now. If you feel that it is triggering you and it's better to delete that person or block them, certainly do. What's going to help you through that process. If you feel coming off social media is right for you, then come off social media, but understand the reason why. If it's going to trigger you or if there's a sense of a lack of willpower, then see if you can find ways. Because at some point when I had my first big breakup, I didn't want to be on social media. I didn't want to see the lives of other people. It was bringing me down. So I got to the point where I was like, I'm gonna have to take myself away from this. I will come back when I feel in a better state, but at the moment it's not helping me. But you know what, Theresa? That was so right because it's such a smart move that you made. It was first acknowledging that you're doing it to feel good about yourself, but it's not making you feel good. And you didn't get stuck in what I call the analysis paralysis of other people's lives, you know, and reflecting it back onto your life, whether it's better or worse. And whether, you know, you see your ex partner online and you think Are they moving on quicker or better, they doing better, they looking better and all that stuff. You're really just removing yourself from this, whose life is better space and just focusing on self care. So what I'm hearing is that you should initially, when you're not healing the wounds, if you're feeling like you're deflecting, is remove yourself from social media, if you can, for a while, if you can, absolutely. However long that might be is dependent upon your situation. But if you do feel that it is not serving you, it's triggering you, then remove yourself from it and heal in a way where you can come back and not let anything bring you down. So now want to move forward positively and think about how we can pave that path forward. So I know that you've got the name, the confidence Restyler or your business does and that you are your business amazingly. And you talk about helping people go from heartbreak to heart make. And I wanted to kind of touch on the idea of faking it until you become it. If you're not feeling confident or if that feeling of, you know, purpose isn't there for you, how can you help your clients? Or how do you help your clients fake it until they become it and then eventually become it and actually become it? Absolutely. So what you do need to do is firstly, as you said, the word there is purpose. What are you all about? What do you stand for? Because you have to go back to what you are all about because sometimes we don't have that clarity. So you need to go back to finding yourself and what do you stand for? What is important to you? So we sit down with myself and my client and we'll work out what do you want to achieve in your life? What are your goals, your dreams and your desires for you over the next one year, two year, five years, however long that might be. But the first thing is to start on those short term goals is to take the small steps. You start small, then you build. It's like getting that momentum. It's like a snowball effect, I would say. So you start with the small goals, the quick wins. Because sometimes when you're in a state of overwhelm, in a heartbreak situation, you're just thinking about the bigger end goal, you know, I want the next big relationship, I want marriage. Whoa, slow down a bit. Let's start working on you. Let's start working on the small wins first and building up the momentum. So that's the first stage I would do with my clients, the small wins. I really love that because you're so right. When we're feeling overwhelmed and we're feeling a bit stuck in our situation, we feel like this is our forever situation. We do just think about, oh, my gosh, I need to turn this around asap, Rocky. And I need to feel absolutely incredible tomorrow. Like, we want what we want and we want it yesterday. And so we start to, you know, have this air of desperation, have this panic mode, and it's about finding a sense of calm. Oh, absolutely. And that balance and that harmony. Because another tool which I know a lot of coaches do use is the wheel of life. And basically, we just go around to all of the different eight aspects of your life. Your health, your finances, your career, maybe your spirituality, you know, where you are feeling in love and your family. And we just find out on a scale of 1 to 10, how you are feeling in those areas. And sometimes you can see that in actual fact, it's your health that we need to work on first in order for it to affect other aspects of your life. Because when you start working on your health, perhaps you might be a bit unhealthy, a bit overweight, or looking after yourself, not getting enough exercise in. Then you find that once you start to increase your level and your happiness and fulfillment in that area, it bounces off into your family dynamics. So you might find yourself having more energy for your family and feel better about yourself. You may find yourself having more energy at work, for example. So therefore, it could end up in career progression, for example, because you've got a different energy, you know, putting a different passion into what you're doing. So, again, we start to look at how we can make different improvements in your life in those different areas. Oh, lovely. And you know what? I think it's really interesting what you were saying about, you know, earlier social media, how we get lost in that. But actually, if we move ourselves away from those distraction techniques and focus our energy on things like exercise and health, then we'll fare far better. Especially during a breakup, right? Definitely. Because that's when you need your probably your highest level of energy, because you're feeling drained through a breakup, emotionally drained, maybe even physically drained. You might not be sleeping and eating very well. So this is when you deem you need to be putting in extra effort to nourish yourself, to be eaten. Right. Be having the right level of water intake, exercising. Nature as well is a fantastic place to have a walk. And do you know, it's not everyone recovers from a breakup or any sort of trauma at different times in different stages because inevitably we're all very different. And often I see, you know, when people have gone through breakups and, you know, a marriage has come to an end and it's inevitably landed in divorce and and whatnot, they found themselves comparing to their friends, how quick they moved on and all that stuff. Have you got any tips? And please tell us how everyone can find you so they can book in a session with you and learn all about that workshop that you've got coming up. Absolutely. All I would say is that time is a great healer. However, it's what you do within that time that matters. It can be a process and it will vary between different people. But go easy and gently with yourself. Don't set an expectation on timing, just work through the process. And I do share a lot of this with my clients and you are able to find me as TheresaYoung on all of the different social media handles on Facebook, theresayoung also on YouTube, Thereasha Young Instagram and Snapchat. Well, not really Snapchat. You won't be finding me too much on Snapchat but Also Twitter as TheresaYoung. My website is www.teresayoung.com and I'm excited to say that I'm working on co delivering a workshop with another relationship expert. So exciting. Very in London in September and her name is Ivona Gordon. And we'll be looking at doing a workshop on better getting to know yourself so that you can attract the love life and relationships that you desire and deserve. So you can find out more details about that on my Facebook page. Theresa Young in the next couple of weeks. Oh, looking forward to hearing more about that and hopefully we'll be in touch with you to share more information with our listeners and of course over on Love Lessons about that. Really exciting. Thank you so much for being here today. Thank you for having me. It's been a blast. Well, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. This is Love Lesson. Thank you so much. Theresa Young. Thank you. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. 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