Love Lessons – Mastering Modern Dating 2

Hello and welcome to Love Lessons live here in Covent Garden in the studio where we talk about everything from dating, relationships, breakups, healing, heartbreak, divorce, all the way to starting over again as a confident single. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan, your hostess with the mostess hopefully today. And I am just about to finish off part two of answering questions from listeners from last week. There was so much to say, there was so much to get through talking about the intricacies of modern dating, as well as a few things in relationships and multi dating. And I guess I just chatted so much. Didn't get through all of my thoughts on modern dating. So we're here again to wrap that up this week. So if you're just tuning in to this session session here live in the studio, if you're just tuning in, then you're probably thinking, okay, didn't hear last week. So I have no idea what kind of questions came in and what we were saying about modern dating in general. So I'm just gonna read a couple of the questions that came in and give you a little bit of a rundown. One of them was, I've been online dating for a while now. I've had no luck and wondered what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I'm wasting my time and I don't know how to go about it. So a few things that we kind of ran through, how to get your profile pictures right, how to make your biography in online dating, kind of bang on the book that you will resonate with people who are like minded to you, who are looking for the same things as you, no matter what it is, whether it's a serious relationship or you're looking for someone to kind of socialize with. Maybe you're looking to make new friends and you're not actually that serious about relationship, whatever it is. We talked about resonating so you're not wasting time. The one thing that we can't make more of in the world and we kind of wrapped up with the idea of go big or go home. You know, be really clear on your communication, be really clear on who you are, what your values are and what you're looking for. And then another question that came in was about kind of about confidence. We summed up in the end it's, I haven't been in a relationship for a very long time and I want to get back out there dating, but I feel so nervous. I keep putting it off and I really want to meet someone. What do you think I should do? So we talked about how the Fear of Rejection Has a Big Part to Play in Modern Dating how to Overcome the Fear of Rejection we touched on how we've had an episode before around generalized anxiety that is associated with modern dating because of the fear of rejection, whether it's swiping or getting out there on dates, and lots of top tips to boosting confidence. We talked about getting out of your comfort zone, getting out there in real life at events, or being introduced by a professional in the dating industry rather than just sat there being sat there swiping in your pajamas and not getting any further forward than you'd actually like to be. So those are a couple of questions that we had so much to say on. We've got a couple more that I'm going to whiz through, so stick with me throughout the show and I'll be telling you all about who we've got coming on the show as our expert guest next week where we'll be talking about dating from the male perspective. I'm so excited. More about that later. So question number three of this two part episode series of shows. I guess I keep investing time meeting people, but I feel like I'm meeting all of the wrong kinds of people. I'm feeling tired, frustrated, and like everyone else is having more luck in love than me. So oh my gosh, I could speak forever about this. But that's the problem we had last week that we couldn't get through is that you are not the only person in that boat. One of the biggest gripes of dating today is that it can feel overwhelming and it can feel exhausting. My interpretation is that it's kind of an emotional roller coaster with many ups and downs. In a world where, you know, we talk about stresses, hefty workloads, dating shouldn't be one of those things that we add to that hefty list of things that we have to do. It shouldn't feel like a chore. It shouldn't feel like a tiresome thing to have to do. If you want to meet someone, it should be enjoyable and about enjoying the journey and about getting to grips with the process of finding a partner where you feel happy, comfortable, you're meeting like minded people and you're excited about the process of welcoming love into your life. It shouldn't be this absolute drain of energy, time, resources, as well as your emotional input. And if you do resonate with any of those things that I'm saying, and if you feel like, yep, I totally hear what Sarah's saying and I feel that way, then just stop what you're doing. For a moment, just take a little step back, look at how you're dating, what apps you're using, what websites you're choosing, what ways you're going about dating. If it isn't online, if it's offline, and if you're feeling like it's exhausting, then you need to just stop and assess what it is that you're doing that isn't working for you or for your love life and start to strategize a way forward that supports your health, your well being, your emotional input, the way you're spending your time swiping or, you know, getting out there, meeting singles, whatever it is, you need to think and strategize so you're setting yourself up for success and also a positive experience. So it's normal to try lots of new ways of meeting people and you can really learn what is right for you, what isn't right for you. And one thing that I really want everyone to know on Love Lessons here in the studio and on air is that there isn't just online dating as an option out there to meet that certain someone. There are so many different ways and there are so many experts in the industry that come on this show, share what they know, and also give different points of view and opinions about how they can help you navigate the search or you can help yourself in the best way moving forward. So I want you to know also that negative thoughts about what's happened in your dating journey so far, they aren't really serving you. So say you've had a handful or quite a few more than a handful of bad dates where you feel like, gosh, I'm repeating the same patterns and it isn't working for me, but I just don't know what. Well, what you don't repair and what you don't know, you tend to repeat. And so if you're finding that you're repeating the same dating patterns and swiping patterns, maybe you're investing an hour a day or more than that. You know, there's no right or wrong, but if you're doing it and it's not reaping a return in emotional and date time investment, then something isn't quite working. It might not necessarily be what you're doing, but something isn't aligned. And so I want you to step back from the thoughts about dating if the they're negative. Often on the show we talk about saying things to yourself that you would that are kind, like words are so important. If you say things to yourself about yourself that you wouldn't perhaps say to a small child and they're not kind words, then don't say them, because I hear all sorts of things where people don't think that they're good enough to meet the right person. Maybe they think that all the great singles are now taken, that all the best people are married, or that if you've had luck once before or twice before, however many times that you feel like you've had your lot, it's all absolute nonsense. And I can assure you that love is still out there. It's up for grabs, it's out there for the taking, and you really just need to feel supported in the journey and in the process of finding that sense someone. So let go of any negative thoughts of what has happened so far about dating and just be mindful that it is an emotional roller coaster and it is going to be packed with ups and downs, left, right and centers of your but it's supposed to be an enjoyable ride. Whether it's up or whether it's down. At least you're here learning something. If you feel like it isn't growing you, you aren't learning something about what you want, what you don't want about yourself, about other people, you're not making new friends along the way or having experiences that are so fun you want to write home about, then you know you're not. You're not actualizing a good dating journey to meeting your partner. And also just remember that when you're out there dating and meeting people, the date itself is not the destination. Obviously, finding a relationship that is rich and fulfilling in love and has longevity, that is is the destination. But it doesn't mean that, you know, you should go to each date thinking this better be my one, this better be the one, or this better better be, you know, great. Just as I've built it up in my mind, whatever it is that you're saying about dates, just let that go. You can't also compare because you know, in the question, like just going back to that, it says that I feel like I'm having everyone else is having more luck in love and dating than me. Well, you can't really Compare your page one or two to someone's chapter 20 or thereafter. If you know your friends and peers are settled, your family members in relationships, you know, maybe that's married, maybe it's engaged, maybe it's long term, maybe it's with children, not however that looks for them. You can't really compare your page one with their chapter 20. And you really should stop this, you know, analysis paralysis and just focus on your journey. It doesn't matter how happy people look. Not every, you know, not every relationship is perfect and it takes a lot of work. So that's one really big thing to consider that when you're comparing yourself to other people and their relationships. And like I said, each day is not the destination. I want you to go on a date thinking that you're going to make a new friend, you're going to have a new experience, and if you chemically connect and there is a reaction that sparks all things in your brain, then that is absolutely wonderful. I'm not saying lower your expectations, but what I am saying is arrive with expectations that this could just be a great experience or a learning about yourself or about other people or about the world around you, that you are not boxing yourself into this has to be the one. Or it's a failure or it's a letdown of time investment or a letdown of an evening. And after the break. So we're going to jump onto a break in a moment. Obviously, I've still got tons to say about this and lots of thoughts on the question in hand. But I just want you to know that at Love Lessons we're here to support everyone in their health and well being, their thoughts about dating, relationships, breakups and starting all over again. And there's no stone left unturned when it comes to interviewing experts in the field. In this particular field, the one thing that I think most people want in the world is to find someone to share their life with, make memories with, feel supported by, have a sense of belonging with. And I really just think we should enjoy the journey no matter what stage we're at. So here at Love Lessons, we'll be talking all things. I'll be getting to the rest of my answers on this question after the break. And then we'll also be jumping into a question around sexclusivity, exclusivity in the modern world of dating. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and join me in a mo. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. 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At Nurturing Birth we offer approved Doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the Doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more at nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to Women's Radio Station supporting Women's well being. Women's Radio Station's creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter @WomensRadio station. That's WomensRadio stn or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programmes. Hi guys, Sarah Louise Ryan here and welcome Back to Love Lessons live in the studio here at women's radio station, also airing on the wonderful men's radio station. If you're just tuning in, this is a show where we talk about everything from dating relationships to heartbreak and healing it, divorce and moving on again as a confident single. Today we're finishing up some questions that we had last week about navigating modern dating. And it's a really exciting show for the past year and a half. As I mentioned last week, if you didn't catch the show is I have been interviewing the most wonderful guests from all around the world here on Love Lessons on women's radio station about dating and relationships. And we've heard people from all different continents and countries and walks of life, from therapists to counsellors to matchmakers to dating apps, people that genuinely care about helping people connect. And so I thought around about now and the producers also thought it would be great to get to grips with some of the questions that have come through and really act that, you know, other than sharing advice that you really want me to answer intricate questions about the intricacies of modern dating. So here I am. So just before the break, we were answering the question. Here it is. I keep investing time meeting people, but I feel like I'm meeting all the wrong kinds of people. I feel frustrated, I feel tired, and I feel like everyone else is having more luck in love but me. So we've kind of touched on negative thoughts around dating. The analysis paralysis that we have when we compare ourselves to others and that are page one to their page 20 and how it's a hurdle and not a help, you know, and it holds us back from finding love and we should be managing our own expectations around first dates, around modern dating and knowing that our person is still out there and remaining hopeful and having faith and enjoyment in the process. Not enough fun is being had in the search for a suitor these days. And so I'm just here to share with you all different things I know about modern dating and different ways that you can meet people, especially if you think there's only one way, which most people do online dating. And it's not just the only way, even though there's some great apps out there, as you very well know. So I want to continue with my answer on this. And it's basically that, you know, you need to have unshakable confidence in yourself and in your ability to attract love into your life, in the ability that you have, you know, to be integral to what, what your needs are, what Your core values are. And you know, as long as you're meeting people that are aligned with those values, you should be having good experiences. And if you're not meeting people that are aligned with your interests in some way that you resonate with in some way that you feel like you have some commonality with in some way, then the reality, from my opinion, perspective, and in my opinion, is that you're not swimming in the right pools of people. You're going on apps that aren't quite right for you, that attract the kind of people that aren't quite right for you, or you're going to events that don't really resonate with you. You should be going to events where you're walking away with loads of friends as well as some potential dates and having amazing experiences. And if you're not doing that, then why are you going? Because we can't make more time in the world. So I really want you to check in on that and check in on how you feel on your dates. And you know what, if you feel good and comfortable on a date, even though that person wasn't right for you, it's all about your mindset and how you see that date. If you see that time invested as a failure, a rejection, a setback, then I hate to tell you that I think you're wrong because you had an experience with somebody who, you know, made you feel in some way comfortable and good in that's there for you and you feel that way. But if it's someone who you didn't have all those sparks and chemical reactions within your brain, that's okay because, you know, that's a rarity. We cross our soulmates paths just a few times in a lifetime, whether that's friends who can be soulmates or, you know, romantic prospects and partners who are soul mates. And just know that every part has a lid and love is still out there for you. And I want to reset your mindset and for you to be positive. And I just want to inject a bit of positivity and a bit of strategy as well. So here's a few tips to help you kind of navigate the process and the search a little bit more smoothly and understanding why you're here. Tuning in with me, Sarah, at Lovelessons. So I want you to take ownership of your romantic life by committing to the process. I think we have to look back in order to take stock of all of our learning so we can see how far we have to go moving forward with ourselves. We have to feel 100% happy in ourselves before we can attract more happiness into our lives. So if we feel like we're looking for a partner to fill a void of loneliness or to fill a void of, you know, feeling like you're having a lack of intimacy in your life or companionship, then the reality is you're putting that energy out there into the world that isn't supporting you in the best possible way. I think you should really take a good look at how fulfilled you're feeling in your life and in general as a whole and look at the areas where you don't feel actualized and fulfilled and completely happy. And if those areas, if some things are draining you, eradicate them. Absolutely. Be ruthless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire. And if you find that you are, you know, attracting things into your life that aren't serving you, aren't growing you, aren't making you strong, as I always say, then you've just got to be ruthless and just be like, this isn't serving me. And, and it's got to go. Because the more fulfilled you feel in all areas of your life, the happier you are going to be at home in your personal life and the more positive vibes and energy you're going to radiate into the world to attract the love that you truly do deserve. So take stock on how you feel right now and how you're interpreting the situationships, relationships that have passed, the dates that you've been on. And if you're just feeling constantly negative that you're draining your own energy, going through how things could or should or would have worked out if you did X, Y or Z, then you're really not serving yourself. And I really want you to commit to the process of being positive. Because I'm all about positivity and I feel like the only way we can really build momentum in most parts of our life is by putting positive energy into it. Perspective is great. And you know, it's good to have friends who look at all different sides of the coin for you. But, but be mindful that the more positive you are about the experiences that you're having and the journey that you're on, the more positivity you're going to attract into your life. So I also want you to assess your levels of confidence, how you feel in yourself, about yourself, and how confident you feel about attracting love into your life, the process of partnering and all of that stuff. Because if, if you don't have the self belief and the confidence that you can attract ultimate happiness into your life, then the reality is you might be self sabotaging. You might really be getting in your own way around attracting love and good, happy, healthy relationships with longevity. And I really want you to set yourself up for success, giving yourself ultimate amounts of chances to meet your. I was gonna say perfect then, and I hate that word, ideal partner. So I guess what I'm saying is, as a coach is that check in on your limiting beliefs. If you're setting up barriers around dating and relationships and attracting love, then you're totally in your own way. And I just want you to know that you can attract love and the right person. And sometimes it just takes dedication, consistency and a little bit of time. If you're putting a time limit and frame on it, then the real is that you could be setting yourself up to fail. Because not everything happens as and when we want it to. But as long as you remain positive and think, yeah, it will happen for me someday, but not, you know, saying oh, by December 21st, just in time for Christmas, you know, you're setting yourself up for success and rather than, you know, setting yourself up to fail. So I want you to get focused on the dating scene and things that are overwhelming you. Because if you're feeling overwhelmed and you're feeling tired and frustrated, frustrated, as you know, addressing the question suggests, then it makes sense to kind of assess what you're doing, which platforms you're paying to use, which things you're paying to go to, and just cut it all out for now. I want you to do a bit of research of the different kinds of social circles and apps that are out there. And you know what, you might meet someone that is not in a dating specific space. What I mean by that is if you have some networking events around, I don't know, like a gin tasting or walking tools, or maybe you have, you know, some talks about politics or history. I mean, if you want to meet someone who's politically minded as you, if that is your thing, then why don't you start going to learn new things, have new experiences and see who crops up and what comes into your life from doing those kind of things that are not specifically dating related. Especially if you're looking to lower the pressure, the amount of exhaustion in your life, and also want you to think about the kind of person you want to meet. Where would they hang out? Are you like a real fitty? Are you totally into fitness and health and well being and you want to meet someone on that wavelength? Well, think about what classes you're taking, what gyms you're going to what holidays you're going on that reflect that if you want to meet someone who's team orientated and sporty. What about tag, rugby, all that kind of stuff. What if you're religious? What if you are religiously minded and want to meet someone who's Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Muslim, I don't know. But if you want to meet someone who's of the same religious background, what about doing charity work in, you know, your religion and level of observance so you can meet someone on your wavelength if that is your value and that is your top priority. I guess what I'm saying is I want you to start thinking outside of the box and investing your time in new experiences, not just emotional frustration and overwhelm with swiping left, right, up and down. I want you to try something different to get different results. What if you're interested in what about solo holidays, weekends away, that kind of stuff. And if you're a foodie and a social drinker and all of that stuff and you're in, that's your thing. And you're not into fitness and travel and all that stuff, but you are in for a good meal and a great glass of wine, well, you could be doing that in great company over an experience. So yeah, to answer your question, you need to be doing things differently to gain a better understanding of what is right for you, what it is that you want. And I really want you to start, check in, take stock and avoid overwhelm and only you can be accountable to that. So look at how it is that you're feeling overwhelmed when you're investing your time and energy and you should be saving some and investing in your own happiness. I am Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons. We'll be right back after the break. Welcome to the Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. 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For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women's radio station supporting Women's well Being hello, hello, hello, welcome back. I am Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons live in the studio in Covent Garden. Delighted to have you all tuned in and listening now or later on across the Pond. And hello at 2am I think in the States or wherever, well 2am UK time. So I have been answering questions from listeners last week and wrapping up this week and we've had some really interesting ones around online dating and how to I guess invest your time and intellectual input by creating wonderful bios and really resonating with the kind of person that you're looking to attract. We have talked about boosting confidence if you're not feeling ready to get yourself back out there again. We today been answering the question around meeting all the wrong kinds of people, investing time and energy and not really getting anywhere. So you know, we kind of touched on how to eradicate those feelings of frustration and overwhelm fears of rejection being put to one side and really just fearlessly going after what sets your soul on fire in the search for a partner. So different events, different things that don't necessarily involve online dating and things that aren't just around dating. So you can have new experiences with like minded people. Because even if you head to, let's say an experience event or you know, a talk around something that's relative to your interest and you meet people who aren't single, the reality is that they may have single friends to introduce you to. So it's all about networking and more often than not, especially I'm in my 30s and when you get into your 30s and 40s, so many of your single friends and sometimes no longer become single and they're married and settle down. So the reality of going out with people who are more readily available is quite difficult. And that's where events come in, matchmakers come in and all of that stuff. So hopefully I've answered that question as intricately as I possibly could and now I want to jump on to the next and final question in the this, I guess series of, you know, helping you master your mindset, navigate modern dating. So let me actually find it. Sorry, maybe I've not had enough coffee today. One moment. Ah, here it is. I find myself and others I meet dating lots of people at the same time. This feels normal today, but I want to be in a committed relationship. I want to meet someone who focuses just on me and me exclusively. What do you think happened to exclusivity? Well, that is a big question and it's something that I have been looking at this year over multiple episodes at different times here on Love Lessons on women's and men's radio station. I've done a little bit of research on it actually because it's something that is becoming more common than not. People are new, not sexclusive or exclusive or even, you know, exclusively dating. Nevermind. In a relationship people are putting their eggs in lots of different baskets and it can become one big gray area of energetic investment and masses of confusion. So most experts are saying that anywhere between a few weeks and a few months is the right time to be completely exclusive with someone and to be clear about is that you want and where the relationship is going. They come up with all sorts of formulas on this based on time, distance, quality and communication on relationships. How many times a week you're meeting the person that you're courting, for lack of a better word, etc. Etc. Etc. There's so many different formulas out there trying to answer this question. The list goes on. And for me it can actually feel a little bit endless. But my thoughts on this is that we do this dance between exclusivity, sexclusivity and multi dating, and some people let the dance go on for a lot longer than it actually should. And that comes down to lack of clarity in communication, fear of rejection, fear of things or the conversation not working out as planned. And also the fear of commitment, of being labeled someone's, you know, boyfriend or girlfriend or partner or whatever. Especially if, you know, you've been dating for a while and the conversation hasn't come up yet and one person is waiting for the other to initially the conversation, but it doesn't actually materialise. So I think that if you're listening in as well as the person that sent this, this question to me and you can relate to this situation, you have got nothing to lose other than time. Then bringing this conversation up by saying how you feel, being clear on what it is that you want, and clearly communicating that to the person that you're that you're dating. Right? Yes. It is common for people to multi date because the grass is greener. In the mentality of modern dating, people are always thinking that a deeper connection will come along, something better might, you know, crop up, or a greater level of happiness might appear. But if you feel really connected to the person in front of you and you're unsure if they feel the same way, then what do you have to lose other than time? And of course, you know, your, your ego might take a hit if the conversation doesn't go the way you want it to. And you might feel let down, disappointed. And you might also have to take a bit of time away from dating if it's not the outcome that you expect or want. And that's okay because it's not the final destination, it's just a hurdle to get you closer to where you are supposed to be and where you want to be in a happy, committed relationship. So if that person doesn't want the same thing as you, which is commitment, right, Then why are you committing so much time? The only thing that you have to have is a potentially difficult conversation and what you're probably feeling is the lack of tools to your box to navigate that difficult conversation. And so a little bit later on in the show, I am going to give you the tools to navigate that conversation so you feel equipped, so you feel like you know how to, you know, communicate what it is that you want and also if it doesn't have the outcome that you want, how to have that conversation in a loving way. Because when it comes to communication in all types of relationship, lots of people don't have the tools to communicate from integrity and from a loving place. And it doesn't always have to be a conflicting conversation, but it can be if you choose it to be. So it's all about getting clear on your values and, yeah, just kind of riding that emotional roller coaster, whether it's going up or down. So I really love what I do because it really helps people kind of get clear on how to communicate and how to, you know, how to communicate not only what they want, but how they feel and how they can deal with other people's feelings and good, bad, ugly communication skills and, yeah, move forward in a way that serves them. So I recently had a chat with Ortha Borve of Taylor Matched. We talked about sex. We talked about sensuality and matchmaking based on the needs of the feminine and the masculine, about being sexclusive. So when we're talking about exclusivity, often the reason why I think this is relevant is that we can think that we're exclusively dating someone, but there is also a question of are we exclusively having sex? So this comes up quite a lot where people think that they're exclusive emotionally, but physically, no. And it's the intricacies of modern dating where we have to have those conversations around every different aspect. And if you're feeling unclear on everything, then I would challenge you to ask yourself whether that's the kind of person that you want to be with anyway. Because I know in my relationship and others around me, in happy, fulfilling and loving relationships, there is no storm. It's calm, it feels calm. You feel secure, you feel supported, you feel like you communicate for the good, bad and ugly. And if you feel like you're not secure and that you have to communicate every little finer detail, I would challenge you to ask yourself the question as to whether that is the kind of person you want to be with. So we talked with Orta Borb about sensuality and dating people, multi dating, and she has a really different take than, I guess what I'm saying that we should be trying all those different partners and exploring sexually, all those different things, finding out what serves us and what doesn't. So that's an interesting show. If you haven't heard it, you've got to tune in. It's really smart. It's not seedy. It's really about sensuality and exploration. And if that's for you, then you should tune in. However, if you do want to be exclusive, I want to talk to you about the pros and cons of being exclusive straight from the get go. So a pro is that you can be fully focused on one person at one time. A con is that, you know, for those who are kind of tuning in, thinking, well, I actually quite enjoy to put all of my eggs in different baskets. Well, you can invest all your time in one person and not be sure where it's going. But if you're meeting different people at different times or at the same time, it can feel like you are getting to know yourself better. You're getting to know more about what you do want, what you don't want. And if the person in front of you is not making you feel secure, then maybe you should also think about meeting someone who does. But we will get to communication a little bit later on. A pro is that you can explore all your different interests and, you know, parts of your personality traits and hobbies, because different people bring out all different, you know, parts of your interests and values and personality. And that's an exciting thing to consider. I also did a show with Rosalind Hull, which was an interesting show on love, about being in a new relationship and putting all your eggs in one exclusive basket. And we talked about sexclusivity and what it meant to her and how it showed itself up. And that's an interesting show if that's there for you. For me, the answer is pretty plain and simple. Get back to the pros and cons after the break, which is coming up. But it's pretty plain, it's pretty simple. It's all about communication. And, you know, earlier on in the show, talked about setting your intentions straight from the onset. And I think it's really important that you do that when it comes to being exclusive. Because if someone's going to waste your time and they don't want the same things as you, then effectively what you're doing is wasting your time, too, by not communicating and being integral to what you want and what you deserve. And you deserve ultimate happiness. I'll be back after the break. Sarah Louise Ryan here, talking about exclusivity and sexclusivity. Welcome to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio Station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's Radio Station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibility are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything fertility, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's well being. Each show I share the airwaves with ordinary women like me and you doing extraordinary things. 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At Nurturing Birth, we offer approved doula training courses across the UK which are facilitated by an award winning doula. Here you will learn more about the support you can offer, explore the doula role and think about how to set up your business. No need for previous qualifications. Find out more@nurturingbirth.co.uk. You're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being, women's radio stations creating a global network for the empowerment of women. And we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter women's radio station, that's Womens Radio STN or Facebook women's radio station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons live here in the studio. So. So for the past two weeks, we've been talking through all of the different questions and answering them as much as we possibly can about modern dating, navigating relationships, exclusivity, online dating and all of that stuff. We were so mindful for the past year and a half that we've been interviewing experts. But we really wanted to connect with you, the listener who do and does have questions around modern dating. We wanted to answer them as best as we could. So we want to jump back into the question that, that I was trying my best to answer as fully as I possibly could before the break. So the question was I find myself and others I meet dating lots of people at the same time. This feels normal today, but I want to be in a committed relationship. I want to meet someone who focuses just on me exclusively. And what happens, exclusivity. So I've just been talking through my thoughts, which is that you have to be clear from the get go about what you want, otherwise you're quite simply wasting time. But it's easier said than done because it comes with absolute ruthless confidence to say, this is what I want. Hopefully you do too. And the reality is so many people do suffer from fear of failure, rejection, and don't navigate modern dating with such confidence. I mean, some people have the outer shell of confidence, but when it comes to having those difficult conversations about what it is that they truly want, it's often the case that people struggle to have that. And that's with a lot of things in life. I guess it comes down to communication and negotiation around all things relationships. So I've just been kind of saying about Orsa Borv and how we had a conversation about sexuality and sexclusivity with the show with Taylor Match and how you can tune into the show about sexclusivity with Rosalind Hull. That was an interesting one. And, and before the break I was saying that, you know, you can fully be fully focused on one person at one time when you're exclusive and you are not wasting time. But if you decide to put all Your eggs in different baskets, then you can, you know, you can learn a lot of different things about yourself, about what you want, what you don't want, and you can, you can have different experiences. But multi dating requires focus, energy, investment, time investment, and goodness knows, a lot of planning. Because I know that I'm in one committed monogamous relationship. And to have a date and to plan it and to go out and enjoy requires energy and time to make a fully committed relationship work. So if you're dating more than one person, goodness me, you must have a lot of time on your hands or you must be a great planner. I'm a great planner. But you know, planning dating in a relationship takes a lot of work time and energy investment. And also cultivating a committed relationship takes a lot of creative energy. We use a different part of our brain. And so if you're trying to cultivate a committed relationship, then how can you do that when you're being polyamorous, which a lot of people in modern dating are today, where they're dating different people and they say that they're committed to, to maybe three people. How is it possible? It's still something I'm exploring as an expert. It's still a question that other people have. So I'm just wondering, I'm throwing it out there to you. How can you make one? How can you be committed to so many people at one time with the planning, the time, the energy and the emotional investment, as well as the physical energy exchange that you have when you're intimate with those different people? So also, if you manage to tune into the show with Susan Madison, gosh, that was so interesting. It's a show where we discussed her and how she's a successful female boss in a really incredible industry and she has multiple partners. We talked about having it all. And is it possible to have it all when you multi date and you're exclusive sexclusive with multiple people at the same time? She interestingly concluded, after much debate between the two of us, me, who's a massive advocate for monogamy and her pseudo Madison, who's really interested in polyamory, that she's much happier in a monogamous relationship. So we continued to chat and we concluded that from if a monogamous relationship and commitment with one person is what you want, you have to be straight up about it straight away. So you're not wasting time with so many people who are actually not on your wavelength and they don't want the same things as you. And if they're not fully in, then why should you be fully in? That is the question that I put out there to you. So I sit in a place that's definitely non judgmental when it comes to meeting a significant other or others and how that looks for you. And I know that we're all on different wavelengths about it, but I just think that traditional values around monogamy is okay. And if you have the same values that resonate that I have with you about being monogamous, as this person who sent in the question clearly does, then you have got nothing to lose other than the integrity to yourself if you're not putting it out there as quickly, as honestly, as transparently as you possibly can. Straight up. So go on dates, have fun, enjoy the journey and explain that whilst you're here to gain new experiences, I mean, if it's a difficult conversation for you, here's what you can say. I'm here to gain new experiences. I'm here to make new connects and learn things along the way. But you're really mindful that the one thing that you want is a committed relationship and so you're not looking to date multiple people. It's all about as much as how you say things as well as it is what you say and the way your body language comes across can speak a thousand words. And if you're not fully aligned with what you're saying as well as how you're saying it, then human beings pick up on that really quickly. So, you know, you can say something tongue in cheek, like modern dating. Such a minefield. I really don't have time for more than one person at a time and I'm really looking to get the same in return. I'd really appreciate it. I give that every situation is different, but I think it's the best shot for success as a single. If you want to be monogamous and you can't really do that by dating multiple people. If you can't find the right moment for this conversation and it can be quite grueling, it's just important to be, you know, to fully show up and be as transparent with what you're saying. So if you feel like, you know, now's not a good time, but I need to get it off my chest, then I've got a few tips around having difficult conversations actually, because when we're nervous, we often can be like, oh gosh, I don't know what I just said, but I said it. I mean, often I talk so much that I say that anyway. I don't know what I Just said, but I know I said something for an hour. So here's a few top tips around navigating difficult conversations. Because I guess we're negotiating our way into a relationship and into something that should be really meaningful. So use a comfortable, consistent tone of voice. So if you're, oh gosh, really high pitched, maybe stuttery, then it will come across that you are nervous. And while that's endearing and it's okay, you want to come across as confident that you really mean what you say. So be consistent and kind of like low tone, DJ esque kind of voice. So the person that you're chatting to feels calm and you seem calm and that you're both kind of mirroring the same calmness. Even if that maybe you don't have the same opinion or maybe you have different thoughts on the matter, but at least you're both in the same calm environment. It can be really helpful to kind of mirror somebody's body language if the conversation isn't going how you want it to. So it'll make you both subconsciously feel on the same page. If you kind of have the same height level, if someone sat, you should be sitting, you know, for these difficult conversations. And if things aren't working out the way you would like them to and this person isn't on the same page. It's all about being prepared to navigate rejection. It will help you overcome the fear. I'm a big fan of failure. Just keep failing. You'll just keep learning. You'll learn quicker, faster. You'll have more tools in your box to navigate all things. Never mind the search for love, so. Or do mind. That's why we're here. So. So if the person doesn't want the same thing as you or things, just say, hey, I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way we both planned. Perhaps you have a different way that this might look for you or work for you, but actually it's not the same for me and I don't feel that that is what I want. I'm sorry that we weren't on the same page. You're not saying sorry for your values and having integrity for yourself. What you're saying is you're sorry that you, you both couldn't find a way to make it work. You know, leave some space for people to talk. Like active listening is so important that maybe they have a valid reason for wanting to kind of see how things go before they become exclusive with you and vice versa. I mean, maybe there is some intricate reasons Maybe it's relative to different things that happened in the past. And while earlier on in the show I said we've got to keep moving forward, it's good to take stock, but we can't keep repeating the same patterns and negative stories in our head to turn it on the flip side and be positive about, you know, the dating and finding a partner. But if they have an experience you have to that hasn't served them and they're cautious about commitment, hear them out because you could learn something new. You could really empathize with their situation at wind up being on the same page despite the fact that you, you don't want the same things at the same time. Maybe it's not the right time for your relationship, or maybe you're friend zoning each other somehow, who knows? Make sure that you're repeating and reaffirming what has been said, what has happened. Because even if you don't find yourself in a romantic situation with them, or maybe you do that, and that would be great because it's what you want, but at least you can leave, you know, knowing that you had your head held high. You navigated a difficult conversation around dating and modern dating and love, finding love today, but you had your values intact and your integrity on show. You know what, just let me know how you get on. If anyone is listening, thinking, oh, my gosh, yes, I'm gonna try that with someone I'm dating or, or I'm thinking about, you know, multi dating. I don't want to be with just one person. Or maybe you do want to be committed. Whatever it is right now and whatever difficult conversation you're trying to navigate in modern dating and the search for love, contact me hellossonsinlove.co.uk and let me know how you get on. Because later on I might do another show to tell people about your journey anonymously and it could help support other people. You know, I am Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm so delighted that we've taken a couple of episodes of love lessons out at women's radio station to answer your questions about online dating, about feeling frustrated and the lack of commitment, the fear of rejection and also sexclusivity because it is a tough one. There's so many episodes here that you can listen to that will give you more value, more expertise, more information on these intricate situations. So next week we have got the guys from the Authentic Dating series talking about everything that men want in love and dating. So tune in then. Thanks so much. Welcome to the women's radio station Supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman, every providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. 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