Love Lessons – How To Stop Self Sabotaging In Dating

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons. We have got a very exciting show today here on Love Lessons. As you know, if you're tuning back in or just joining us, this is the show where we talk about dating, relationships, healing, heartbreak, moving on after divorce and starting over again as a confident single navigating the search for love. So today we're speaking with a wonderful lady, Janine Worf. She's a coach and she's a therapist. She helps people remove the blocks that holding them back from living a life and finding love that they so truly deserve. And this show is going to be all about eradicating self sabotaging behaviors, learning what that actually means. What are we talking about? And really just setting yourself up for success in life and hopefully in finding love. So welcome to Janine hi. Thank you for having me. Tell us, where have you come from today, Janine? Well, I came all the way from Germany to be here with you, so I'm really excited, really exciting to have you here and tell us a little bit about you and your background just so the listeners have a feel for what it is that you do other than what I've just told them. Sure. So I'm a psychotherapist, a clinical hypnotherapist and a business coach. And I work mainly with women and especially female entrepreneurs who are doing all the things that they should be doing, but finding that they're not thriving either in their business or if they're doing well in business. Sometimes it's their personal relationships that need some work or they just find that in general they are not happy with the state of their life. They're just not having that happy feeling that everything's going the way it's supposed to be going. So often they could be feeling stuck or feeling that they should be a lot further in their life and their business and their relationships. I guess my interpretation is that they don't feel like they're springing forward as quickly as they would like and they know that they're kind of in a sticking place, but they don't know how to become unstuck. Exactly. So they usually reach out to me when they've tried all the traditional things and it's still somehow not working like a well oiled machine. Interesting. What exciting work that you do. You must see some real results and feel really rewarded personally as well as professionally. When you see these women or these people that come to you, wiggle out of that stuck place and kind of like shoot forward and find success in whatever it is so obviously all of our listenership are in the UK and internationally, across the pond and looking to find, build and deepen long lasting, loving relationships. I know of many people that have self sabotaging or identify with self sabotaging behavior in a way that, let's say dating, constantly attracting the same kind of person who, if it was me, I know that person isn't quite right for me, let's just say as an example case study. But nevertheless, I understand how it works and I've got myself in a comfortable pattern, a holding pattern almost where I just keep attracting that kind of person that doesn't fulfill me and doesn't serve me as much as I'm not serving them. But how do I, what am I doing? Talk to me about that as a case study. Okay. So the reason why women tend to have this pattern of choosing this the same kind of man or men with certain characteristics or behaviors is because the mind loves what is familiar. It's sort of, you know, that saying, rather the devil you know than the devil you don't. And especially I see this in woman who say, for instance, a woman has grown up with a father who is an alcoholic or violent. She's so used to that, that is her normal, that when a man starts showing the warning signs, those where a woman would go, oh, that's a red flag, oh, that's a bit dodgy, she won't pick up on it as quickly because for her that's normal. She feels comfortable in that situation. She might not love it, but she's so used to it that she won't recognize it as quickly as someone who maybe didn't grow up like that. So we become so used to certain behaviors that it doesn't feel that strange or that weird to us. So if, for instance, somebody grew up with a mother that was a narcissist, if she sees those qualities in her partner, she won't think it's a big deal because she's used to that. So what I'm hearing from you is that whether it's right for us or not, we tend to more often than not get stuck in our comfort zones because of how familiar it feels and is for us. And we don't know what's on the other side of that comfort zone. So even though we don't feel fulfilled and fully happy, if that's how we identify at the moment, we just stick there for our comfort zone. Really? Yes, because it just feels normal to us. And the thing is, you can't miss what you don't know. Mm. So if you don't know what it feels like to have a partner who actually shows up, who is reliable, who does what he says he's going to do, then you're not going to miss that because you don't know any better. So if I'm dating the same kind of guy, let's say, who doesn't treat me the way I'd like to be treated, I don't feel 100% good about myself or in the relationship that we're having. However, I see the patterns emerging time and time again. The same kind of personality. What I'm doing is just sticking to my comfort zone, but I know that it's not right. How do I, how do I notice that for one, and then how do I overcome that as a dating pattern? Is it so, and is it self sabotage? It can be. Because if you know and you have past experience that these relationships are not successful, that they end up where you are either emotionally traumatized or maybe in a really bad situation financially or something like that, because you've gone through these kind of relationships, you are basically choosing that. And that is a form of self sabotage because you know that it's not going to be successful. And the way that you can pick up that pattern is to actually take a really good look at your life and the relationships you've had said, okay, why do I keep choosing men who cheat on me or that take advantage of me financially or just are not reliable, whatever that pattern is, and actually go one step further and say, okay, there must be a reason why I'm attracting that sort of person, why I feel drawn to that person or they drawn to me. And then it's the time where the inner work starts. It's interesting because what we essentially are doing then, you know, doesn't matter whether you're a man, a woman, you know, we can all interact in these kind of negative, let's say if we had to label it something behaviour because they're not serving us in some way, they're not fulfilling us, they're not making us happy. But we're doing it because we're saying, hey, I know how this works out and I guess I'm in control. Is it a matter of control? It can be. Sometimes people are very optimistic and they think, okay, well it didn't work out the last five times, this must be it. This is going to be the lucky number 6 or the lucky number 10 or, you know, and they think that they can change a person, you know, but it doesn't really work that way. The only person that we're responsible for is ourselves and our own actions. So if I give you another generalized case study, let's say what if I'm a person who is constantly attracting guys who I know are not good for me, but I am physically saying, oh, he's far too nice. I'm not. And I hear it a lot, especially from women. He's too nice for me. I don't want to date Mr. Nice Guy. Why do we do that? It can either be an enoughness issue where subconsciously we believe that we're not good enough, we don't deserve that, that if that nice guy knows who I really am in all my fullness, he might not accept me. And again, as I mentioned, it's that loving what is familiar. If you love a guy that treats you badly, the nice guy is going to be really boring to you because there's no drama. So some women are just addicted to drama. They need that high up and down all the time because they enjoy that rush of energy and that, you know, they're almost addicted to drama where the more stable relationship will feel boring to them because now there's no slamming of doors. There's no not speaking for two days. There's no huge, passionate makeup session afterwards. There's no roller coaster. Yeah, they want that adrenaline rush, you know, that. That not knowing what's going to happen next. Addicted to the feeling. I guess it's like all the endorphins that come from that adrenaline. And if you are dating Ms. Nice or Mr. Nice, you have something consistent and secure. And there may be an excitement almost that is born from the idea of having all of that drama, as you just said. Exactly. I'm so excited about this show. I know the topic is a serious topic. It's important. It's identifying with being enough and attracting the right amount of love, in fact, abundance of love into your life by eradicating self sabotage and, oh, swallowing her words. That's Janine. After the break, I want to talk about what is self sabotage. What are those behaviors that we identify or associate with self sabotage? We've dove straight into dating and self sabotage, but those listening in, they might be like, what are these ladies talking about? And I really want to know what. What it is. So, Janine, tell us overarchingly, what do people come to you most for? Is it self sabotage or other things? Usually they can't see the pattern themselves and they come to me to help them identify that pattern. Really interesting. Those of you just Joining us, I am here with Janine Wirf and we're talking about self sabotaging behaviors and eradicating those to set yourself up for love and relationship success. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and we're here on Love Lessons at Women's Radio station, also airing on Men's radio station. And we'll be right back. Welcome to Women's radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on Women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future Classic Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at Women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything, fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's wellbeing. Each show I share the airwaves with ordinary women like me and you doing extraordinary things. Women who have overcome huge obstacles in their lives who are now here with me to empower you. On the Radical Wellbeing show, you'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chat to authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presentersomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the executive director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo. And we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to women's radio stations supporting women's well being. Women's Radio Station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter Women's radio station, that's Women's Radio STN or Facebook Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Hello and welcome back to Love Lessons. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. If you're just tuning in, we're talking about eradicating self sabotaging behaviors. What those behaviors are, how do we look for them, how do we notice patterns, how do we eradicate them and how do we move forward, living a very successful, abundant life in all areas and stop holding ourselves back from everything that we truly deserve. Welcome back to Janine. Thank you. So those of you who are just jumping on and listening in just want you to know that Janine is the person that you need to know if you want to discover and eliminate negative beliefs, if you want to neutralize negative emotions, holding you hostage if you want to free yourself from any symptoms of PTSD and if you want to live a life that you love. Exactly, exactly. Grab that from your website because I loved it. So we've just been talking self sabotage in dating and attracting the kinds of person, the kind of people that we know are not quite right for us, but we just do it anyway. In short, Janine is telling us that it's a comfort, a space of comfort. We know how that pans out and how it looks when we have to deal with those behaviors that don't serve us. Now talk to us. Let's scrape it back a bit and talk about what self sabotage is defined as and how it shows it itself up, what behaviors we can look out for. Okay, so basically, self sabotage is when there is a conflict in your personality. So say for instance, one part of your personality wants to get married, have this wonderful relationship, maybe have children, and the other part of your personality is maybe scared of losing your freedom, of thinking that if someone knows who you really, really, really are, they might not accept you. So when you have These two conflicting beliefs. You'll start behaving in a way that will get you to what you think you want. But right before you get there, you will start displaying behaviors which are undesirable or that will actually bring that relationship to an end. Or you will push that person so far that they will end the relationship. Because you just don't. Because whatever that belief is, whether it's you scared that you're going to lose your freedom or that you're not good enough, or what you really want is just not available to you, that you're different to everybody else, whatever that is, you will then start showing these behaviors. Maybe you will start cheating, self medicating, alcohol, drugs. It shows up in so many different ways and you will actually start engaging in those behaviors to push the other person into that situation where either they're going to react. And sometimes that's not a pleasant thing. But you like that, that drama that we were speaking about. Or they will just say, listen here, this is not what I signed up for. And they will end the relationship. Just cut it down right there and then. Yes, interesting. So I did a little bit of research. Naturally this is not my second space of speciality, but obviously working in the dating industry for many a year, self sabotaging behavior and limiting beliefs about what one deserves is something that I come across an awful lot. But you are a specialist in this area. Before we jumped on the show today, you and I had a chit chat, as I always do, very naughtily before the show, and we talked a little bit about trauma and it's quite a weighty word in perception, but you had a really interesting way of defining how you help people deal with trauma and what that shows up as. Can you talk to us a little bit about that? Okay. So when I decided to become a therapist, I decided that I wanted to specialise in trauma and I specifically wanted to work with women. Because most people don't realize what trauma is. They think that it's. And it is. That's the big T. What we call the big traumatic events like a miscarriage, a really bad car accident, maybe being hijacked and kidnapped and almost raped like I was. That was my experience. But the mind doesn't define trauma like that. That is what we as society define as trauma. The mind actually defines trauma as a situation that is shocking and that it can't quite make sense of. So every single person on the planet has had some form of traumatic event. Just because I call it newsworthy trauma, everyone thinks that trauma has to be newsworthy, to be defined as trauma. But that simply isn't true. That's a really interesting way to look at it and I'm sure something that I bet the listeners are thinking this is really worth delving into, because listening to you, I find it completely fascinating. Because, yes, on the surface, when you think of trauma, you think of those right at the end of the scale, events that are out of this world, and you think, it would never happen to me. You hear about it and it happens to someone else. But it's a big thing. But actually, we've all experienced a trauma in our lives at some point. So could you talk to us about examples of what trauma could be, might be, is that people don't necessarily believe to be traumatic in, I guess, scaling it up against those newsworthy traumatic events. Sure. So common examples that come up with a lot of my clients could be having parents who are not emotionally available to them, making them feel that to be loved they have to be really high achievers. That's where my perfectionist. I'm speaking to my perfectionists now. Where you feel that your parents only show love and affection when you achieve something or do something really good. It can be, for instance, being bullied at school, being having a teacher that says to, you know what? You're never. You're never going to amount to anything. Being made to feel that you are just simply not enough, or that you're different to the people around you, or what you want is just not available to you. So it could be. A lot of times people don't think that a divorce or the end of a relationship can be traumatic, but it can be. If you've invested years of your life into something and had all these hopes and dreams and it didn't work out, that loss of that relationship, it's still a loss that can be traumatic because you still experience, you know, grief, don't you? You still grieve the loss of that. And I guess. And does that even matter in what circumstances each relationship comes to an end? Or is it just how much we loved and how much we invested emotionally, physically? I think when there is a lot of hurt in the relationship, it can be more traumatic. So if their infidelity is involved or if maybe abuse comes into the picture, you know, because then it's not just the ending of the relationship. It's the betrayal of that person actually treating you in that way, it can be abuse either physically or emotionally. Yes, you know, abuse. When I say abuse, people automatically think, oh, it must be physically. But it can be sexually, it can be verbally, it can be emotionally, it can be psychological abuse. That's where the narcissists come into play. You know, there are so many different aspects to that and people often do, they don't let their mind actually go there because they think, well, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the one that's been abused, emotionally abused, or because they don't want to label themselves as something, as the victim. But often they still fall into these victim mentalities or victim behaviors without even realizing it. Well, interestingly enough, I was thinking about self sabotaging behavior and how sometimes we can fall victim to the same circumstances that we've been in before. But actually, sometimes being the victim is the most comfortable space that we know. So yes, there is the idea that some people do not want to be the victim. But then also I think on the other side of self sabotage, people do want to be a victim in the sense that they wouldn't label themselves that. But victim mode is the most comfortable mode. Yes. Because often they get attention like that from their family, their friends, their girlfriends. Going out for a glass of wine. You won't believe what happened to me today. You won't believe what I'm going to tell you now. You know, and that connection through pain, I find connection through pain to be one of the most interesting things to discuss and to engage in a conversation about because not everybody understands it. And there's this idea of grief tourism, you know, where people like to constantly share traumatic events and they between like two girlfriends. And we just, all we talk about is, let's say, things that have pained us and people that are paining us and we connect emotionally in that way. But is that real connection? I don't think so. Because put it this way, I think that people should talk about their pain. They shouldn't hide things like abuse. It's very important to bring these things to light. But you don't have to live there. You know, you can talk about it, get it out of your system, seek help, but you don't have to go, you know, set up camp there and decide, I'm gonna stay here for the next five days. You can visit but you can't stay. What would you say to somebody that's listening in who thinks, yeah, I can relate to that, yeah, I've been there, I've done that. But actually, what about those other people who are in denial of self sabotaging behaviors and they know, they get themselves into this vicious circle that doesn't serve them, but they don't identify with anything being wrong at the core or not serving at the core. What would you say or do to help people come out of that? The depths of denial and, you know, own up to their triggers and patterns and all of that stuff? Well, what I always tell my clients is you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. And if you are on your third or fourth relationship where it's basically playing out, you have that feeling. I've seen this movie before. Then you should be asking yourself, why am I choosing this? Because you are subconsciously choosing that. When you actively say, yes, I'm going to get in a relationship with this person, I'm going to accept certain behaviors, I'm going to portray less than desirable behaviors. That is a choice. And the idea that I say all of the time we only ever accept the love that we think we deserve. Exactly. And it's so similar and aligned with self sabotage, isn't it? It is. If, if we think we deserve, you know, people that aren't serving us or fulfilling us and making us happy, then we'll settle for that. Right? Exactly. So interesting to have you on the show, Janine. You're a smart cookie that knows an awful lot about trauma and have a really interesting way of putting it across to the listeners. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons and we'll be back. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash, but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months, I'll be Doing a survey in big brand coffee shops, interviewing customers, asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a health tip. For our listeners, the most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. Stay tuned for further details. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station Its Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together. With spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntousous.org.uk welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station can give V to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs, we can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a Show, go to womensradiostation.com Women's radio station supporting women's well being. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons. We're here in the studio talking all things setting yourself up for love and life success with Janine Wurf. She is a coach and therapist. She helps people remove the blocks that are holding them back from living the life they deserve. And today we've been talking all things self sabotage in dating and relationships. Now, we've covered an awful lot so far. We're going to delve into scraping it back to the beginning and, you know, the things that set us up for success or self sabotage. So Janine, just before the break told us a little bit about her story and, and I'd love to hear more, and I'm sure the listeners would, with how you got to the other side, the survivor side of the fence for your own traumatic experience. Do you want to share a bit more with us? Sure. So the reason why I specifically chose to specialize in trauma and specifically to work with women is because I was raised by a mother who experienced a traumatic event but never Got help. Because back then in the 70s, it wasn't spoken about like today. It wasn't accepted that if something awful happens to you, that you should go and seek help. And what I noticed is, and this is one of the reasons why I do so much research on how trauma shows up, is because it affects the way we parent. I have firsthand experience of that. Then when I was 18, it was actually the very day I got my driver's license. I went out that night with a friend to go and celebrate the fact that I'm now independent and ready to take on life. And I was actually hijacked, kidnapped, and almost raped. So during that event, you know, people speak about the fight, flight, or freeze. My default setting is fight, which I didn't know up until that point. And, you know, I experienced such rage. And I actually said to my attacker and his accomplice, because one dragged me up. They took us to a very wooded, beachy area, and one grabbed me by the arm and dragged me up the dune. And he said to me, held a gun to me and said, take off your clothes. And I was 18 years old. I had no children. I had no dependence. You know, nobody was dependent on me. And I looked at him and I said, you're going to have to shoot me first. And I could see the shock in his face because that's not the way it's supposed to go. I'm supposed to cry, beg, plead, and he is supposed to control the situation. And I then shouted down to his accomplice, listen, you can have my car. You've already got all our, you know, valuables and personal belongings. Just go. Luckily, he did. And the police then had a shootout with them. And I got my car back a bit damaged. And about a week later, I was sitting in my car, waiting in a parking lot, and one of my friends, who didn't know what had happened to me, crept up onto my car and slammed his hand on my driver window. And in that moment, it felt like I was gonna jump out of my skin. My heart was racing. I felt panic, and I realized, okay, there's something wrong with me. I need to go and seek professional help. And that's how I got interested, Got to know what PTSD is because I was suffering from that, and actually went to a therapist and worked through all of that. And then the very first session, when I explained what had happened to me and my childhood, because I had a very abusive childhood, he said to me something that I never, ever experienced, expected. He said to me, I believe your Childhood saved your life. That's interesting. How so? Because of the resilience that I had to build up in my childhood and this belief that I can only rely on myself. So when it came to it and someone had a gun to my head, it was now or never. Thank you so much for sharing that story with us. And it's such a powerful story. And aside from the intricacies and the strength which you showed and had to deal with in those moments where you're completely unprepared, you've educated another part of fight or flight to me, which is freeze. And it's so right. You can, you know, absolutely fly away from the situation. You can't deal with it right now. And that's. You don't know what to do. You. You fight your way through it or you freeze. And I guess you do nothing, right? Yes. And gosh, I can't believe that, you know, you had an experience where it tested you in that way. But, you know, look what it showed you. Look at the strength it showed you that you have from the core all the way out. And now you get to share what you know about all the learnings that you've taken with your audience and successfully help them through their own experiences of trauma and through their own self sabotaging behaviors which are related to how they were brought up. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. And I'm sure the listeners do too. And you know, going forward in your life after that, because it happened to you at such a young age, can you tell us what. What then happened and how it showed itself up for you in the future or if it did or didn't? Sure. So I became very interested in trauma and ptsd. Going through my own recovery and having been raised by a woman who had experienced trauma and not received help, I knew that I didn't want to repeat that pattern with my own children. So it was really, really important that I got to the crux of that and sorted myself out. And what I realized once I started studying to become a therapist, I started noticing patterns. And a lot of my life before I became a therapist, I worked in sales and marketing. And in sales, you are literally depending on yourself because when you make a living from what you yourself do, that again reinstated that belief or showed me that belief that I had that I could only rely on myself. So I thought to myself, that's very interesting. What other patterns can I see? So you started to kind of come out of your shell and in, in, in the self sabotaging sense, in Identifying certain behaviors which were showing themselves up in your life. And how do you help people figure out what patterns, behaviors are consistently showing up in their lives that aren't serving them. So when people reach out to me, it's usually because they know themselves. They might not know exactly why things aren't going to plan, but they've reached a point where they tired of settling. They're tired of putting up with whatever is showing up for them. And then once I have that initial discussion with them, I look for patterns because that's what I'm really good at. I notice them. And because people are so involved in it, it's like that thing they can't see, the wood for the trees. They can't see it themselves, but I can. And I asked them specifically about their childhood because I know that a lot of the emotional baggage that women are carrying around come from their childhood. And they think because this happened to me 30 years ago, 40 years ago, I'm over it. But the mind, the part of the mind that deals with trauma, can't tell time. So when a woman is triggered, the mind doesn't know if it happened yesterday or 20 years ago. It's stored in the memory, stored physically. So if you take two people, they each have their own story, because we pick up all kinds of story from our parents. And the people we spend the most time with as children can be money stories. It can be what we believe we deserve. It can be relationship stories. So now you have two people in a relationship, and they both have their own stories which are unique to them. And then we start triggering each other. And that's when the proverbial poop hits the fan. Because if you are being constantly triggered by this wound that you don't think you have, that's a big problem. And for those people listening in and the whole concept of trigger is all new to them, can you explain what you mean by something that's triggering them? Sure. Say, for instance, someone has I don't feel good enough wound. If your partner then does something that makes you feel that hits on that nerve, oh, you're not good enough. You will have an emotional, physical reaction to that. You will feel it in your body. It can either be that your heart will start racing or you will feel very hot, or some people even break out in hives. You know, there is a reaction, physical reaction to a wound that isn't healed and is somewhere somehow still open and, you know, capable of being touched and hurt. Right. Because basically you have this wound and your partner is then Usually not intentionally, because, I mean, why would they. Exactly goes and he's pushing on that wound and it hurts. You notice it. Or your partner might have an issue where they feel that what they want just isn't available to them. And when they want something and you don't feel that's aligned with you and you say no and you reject that concept, that can trigger them. And so people go through life trying to be happy to have this wonderful relationship, but in actual fact, if they don't do the inner work and they're not aware of these things, they're just constantly triggering each other. And do you think it's worth. So let's say for a moment that we've gotten past the self sabotaging dating, we've got ourselves into a loving relationship where the memory of, you know, of pain and wounds that are somehow still open somewhere deep in the dark back of our minds. Do you think it's worth having a conversation with partners about? Okay, these are the things that really hurt me. I don't know why or how because I'm still figuring that out. Do you think it's worth two people having a conversation, an open, fluid communication about those wounds that still hurt? Definitely. But it needs to happen in a calm, loving environment, not a heat of the moment situation because you've just hurt me because you said this and you know that that happened to me at that point with that person. Exactly. It has to be, hey, let's talk about something. Yes, it needs to be done in a loving environment. So maybe over a nice dinner with a nice glass of wine, say, you know what, the other day I wasn't behaving as my best self. And this is why when it's heated and the emotions are roaring, the constructive work doesn't happen in that moment. And you often, you know, can find yourself saying things that you don't actually mean and doesn't come from a place that is the most loving of spaces. And we in a relationship, we want to be loving and we want to, you know, be connected to our partner. So interesting. Janine. We'll be back after the break here on Love Lessons. Welcome to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons live on women's radio station. Hello and welcome to future classic women awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's Radio station. Hello and welcome to Julie Mae is listening. Hi, this is Anna Kennedy and we're at women's radio station supporting women's well being and we're talking all things autism, women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Lauren Mishkon. I'm a birth doula and mum of three and I'm passionate about supporting women to have empowering and positive birth experiences. Please join me for my brand new show From Tummy to Mummy here on Women's Radio Station. Every week I'll be here with an expert guest talking about women's reproductive health, everything fertility, pregnancy, birth and baby related, right through to the menopause and beyond. Please join us for an informative and fun hour. Hello, my name is Ingrid Marsh on Women's Radio Station and coming soon is the Radical Wellbeing show to help support women's wellbeing. Each show I share the airwaves with ordinary women like me and you, doing extraordinary things. Women who have overcome huge obstacles in their lives, who are now here with me to empower you on the Radical Wellbeing show. You'll be inspired to kick away the roadblocks and live your life to the fullest. If you're ready to get radical about your well being, then this is the show for you. Hi, I'm Hazel Butterfield, a blogger, book lover and mental health advocate and you can listen to my show. Get booked here at Women's Radio station daily at 5am and 5pm throughout my shows, we'll talk about the books I've read, new releases, chapter authors, publishers and book enthusiasts, all with a theme and aim of supporting women's emotional well being. If you have a book to tell us about, get in touch@presenterswomensradiostation.com join me on my show and share my love of books and writing. Hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones, focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@mediamattersforwomen.org you're listening to Women's Radio Station Supporting Women's Wellbeing. Women's Radio Station is creating a global network for the empowerment of women and we want you to be involved. Join us on Instagram and Twitter, womensradiostation, that's womensradio Stn or Facebook. Women's Radio Station to keep up to date with all our exciting programs. Hello and welcome back to Love Lessons. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and I am delighted to have Janine Wirth on the show today. We have been talking all things self sabotage, eradicating and setting yourself up for love, success and life success with Janine. And she believes that your past is just one page of your story and that she can help you write the future to build life. Love, abundance should you so wish. And yeah, just really glad to have you here today. It's been wonderful so far. So, Janine, we were talking before the break about your personal story and thank you so much for sharing that and how you noticed that you were a fighter in that fight or flight or freeze situation, given your own personal traumatic experience. And we all experience trauma, could be a loss or trauma, you know, and that's relative to trauma too, in life. And how you then set yourself up for success in the future by identifying triggers and patterns and what your body physically remembered about certain instances. So what would you say to those people listening in who can identify themselves now with a pattern and they want to break it and they want to stop those triggers like going off in their heads and physically reacting? You know, you said that people can come out in hives when they're feeling like emotionally connected in negative way to a situation. What would you say? Okay, so the first thing is that whatever experience you've had, you've already survived that. And I mean, I work with women, I hear the worst of the worst. Women that have been raped, physically abused, been in violent relationships, you know, that have been brought up in families that are not ideal. And the first thing is you've already survived that. But it's the motions that your subconscious mind has connected to certain events, those are being triggered. And once I can identify what that emotion is, where it started and the pattern that's playing out in your life. Because the way the mind works is once you have this belief, okay, say for instance, I'm not good enough, it will look for evidence and that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You know, as soon as you put yourself out there or do something and you, you end up self sabotaging yourself and your mind goes, you see, I told you, you're just not good enough. Because we're looking for evidence to prove ourselves right. Yes, that's exactly it. So what I do is I combine regression hypnosis with parts of traditional therapy. And the reason why I do this is there is definitely a place for talk therapy. And I'm also qualified in that. But in talk therapy, we are engaging the logical mind. So what do you think about that? And we can talk about what you think about that till the cows come home. To be honest, you know, that's so true. But in hypnosis, I'm putting your logical mind to sleep. That's the part that tells you, what are you going to have for lunch today? What are you going to wear to work tomorrow? And I'm dealing directly with your subconscious mind. And you can think of your subconscious as this giant vault that has every event, memory, feeling, emotion of your life stored there. And when I say, take me back to that time where the first time you felt you're not good enough, you're going to take me to that event that triggered that in you, that sort of planted that seed in your subconscious mind. And then I'm going to go look for that pattern, the evidence that you've provided yourself with. And once I know what that root cause is, I help you to actually deal with that so that it's not an issue for you anymore. Because if you have something in your subconscious mind, it's like playing the same song over and over again. Your mind is trying to make it sense of that event or that emotion or why you get triggered by that. And it is so mentally tiring, it drains people. And this is one of the first sort of positive things that I see in my clients is that all of a sudden they have their energy back where going grocery shopping doesn't feel like running a marathon. The simple things. Yeah, because they are so tired and emotionally drained. That life, normal life, feels so hard. You must have a lot of clients and people in your community who feel a large sense of overwhelm because they're going emotionally, physically through something and they're trying their best to deal with it by dealing with it first and then coming to you or coming straight to you. What would you say to those listening listeners who are tuned in right now and they think, gosh, yes, I do self sabotage in dating and relationships, love and life, whatever, and it is tiring and I am feeling overwhelmed. How can they eradicate that feeling of overwhelm to support their well being and love and life? Well, the first thing that I would suggest is aggressive self care. Oh, that sounds good. Tell us, tell us about that. So a lot of people have this idea that self care is, you know, when you go on holiday, maybe you go for a massage, but it's not once a year. Yeah, that's not self care. Self care is making time for Yourself, every single day, practices routines. It can be taking half an hour to read a book or listening to your favorite song, phoning a friend. Because people have the saying, you know, you can't pour from an empty cup. And I would go one bit and say, the cup needs to be full. For me, everything that's overflowing on the cup is for you. So if you come and you can't drink out of my cup, that's like if I had a cup of coffee now and I put it down and you came and drank out of it. It's taking away your energy, it's taking away your caffeine and gosh, I get my energy from that. Yeah. So people think that, you know, if your cup is half full, you're doing well. No, you're not. No. Have to be full. In fact, you know, runneth over, as they say. So that's one of the first things that my clients have to do is they have to put a system into place, either a morning routine or evening routine because it needs to be easy. This doesn't have to be the next challenge of your life. Yes, I was going to say that if you are already like chock a block, you're emotionally feeling just totally done, then how do you integrate this aggressive self care regime if you're already feeling just spent? Well, the thing with self care is that once you start doing it, you notice a difference really, really quickly. And once you start taking care of yourself first instead of last or not at all, it changes how you show up with your children because you're more patient. It changes how you maybe snap at your partner because you don't feel so overwhelmed and just stressed and whatever. So self care is the first thing on my list because it makes me a better therapist, it makes me a better mother, it makes me a better wife, makes me a better friend. Yes, I can do more and be more. When I look after myself first. And people, and this is what I see a lot women, they feel, oh no, I don't deserve that. Or that's so selfish. No, it is not. If you want to do well, if you want to be a good mother, you need to look after yourself first. It's that whole oxygen mask for you before you help your children. Yes. Putting yourself first and foremost. And would you say especially in those times where you're feeling spent. Yes. When you feel like you don't have time for self care, that's the time where you need to make extra self care. It's where you should put everyone else on the back seat and really integrate all of those little rituals and routines into your life. And you know, I think, I'm sure many people would say physical activity is a good way to start. If you are emotionally not knowing where to work everything out. Just start by going for a swim, a run or walk in the, you know, walk in a beautiful place and it's around. I have this lake near where I live and I love walking around. Lucky thing because that just gives my mind a chance to calm down. The next important thing is boundaries. Talk to us about boundary setting. This is a really good way to eradicate self sabotage and to work through that stuff. Most of the women on the planet do things from the energy of obligation. Saying yes. Saying yes when actually you mean no, you do not want to do it, but somehow you feel obliged to do that. So you're choosing the energy of obligation. And guess what? That has consequences. Yeah, absolutely. So you think, and I agree that using the smallest word no is one way to create a boundary. Whether it's a call you don't want to take, a meeting you don't want to have, you know, an evening that you don't want to go to. There are many a book out there about creating boundaries and serving yourself first and how to navigate those situations. Maybe you don't want to go to that baby shower. Yes, maybe you don't. I recently wrote an article about that in the CEO magazine because I have a monthly article ask Janine and people can send me questions and in there I gave examples of how to say no. Can you share that with me? I will share it with all of the listeners and have a good read of everything that you shared about saying no. So simple. We just don't do it enough. Janine, it's been while a absolute pleasure to have you on the show today talking all things self sabotage and overcoming self sabotage to support, well being in love, relationships and in life. Tell us, where can people find you? So I have a Facebook group that's called Freedom from Trauma and PTSD on Facebook. My professional page is called Path to Healing, Therapy and Coaching. I'm on Instagram, LinkedIn, anywhere on social media it's usually Janine Worth. You put yourself out there. Yes, of course. I want the right people to find me and also listeners. Janine has a six month program starting in October 2019 and if you identify with anything that we've talked about in the show today for Love and Life and you think that you might do really well with some of Janine's support then she would be glad to hear from you. Now Janine, give us top three tip roundup of eradicating self sabotage. Moving forward positively choose yourself first. Join a community that supports the same values that you have. And offline no online is also great. And choose to be a survivor instead of a victim. So amazing. Thank you so much for being on the show. We've had Janine Worth here on Love Lessons and we've been talking all things love and life and setting yourself up for dating and relationship success. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and we'll be back next week where we are talking all things love success. Thanks Janine. Thank you. Welcome to the women's radio station supporting women's well being. Women's radio station is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education and most importantly, women's well being. We aim to celebrate the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and the platform for your voice. Visit our website womensradiostation.com for more information. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. Many women want to be smarter with their cash but just don't know where to start. @empowerandenrich.org you will find a host of options to help you take charge of your finances and learn how to put your money to work for you in an easy, affordable way. Get in touch with me@empowerandenrich.org and let's change your future together. Hello, my name is Natasha Ann Kelleher. Welcome to you lovely lady listeners of your very own women's radio station. Over the coming months, I'll be doing a survey in big brand coffee shops interviewing customers asking why they like to drink coffee and if they would like to give us a health tip. For our listeners, the most shared and liked post will be the winner of a prize. Stay tuned for further details. Hi, I'm Carolyn Van Beers. Please join me for a brand new show here on women's radio station. It's Mother's Hour. If, like me, you're a mum juggling far too many balls and dropping most of the them, this is definitely the show for you. We'll examine the highs and lows of motherhood and make sure you laugh out loud as we take on this challenging role together. With spoonfuls of advice, incredible stories. It will be refreshing, honest and funny. Look at being a mum. Are you struggling with money. Turn to us as a national charity, helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk welcome to the women's radio station supporting Women's well being. Women's Radio Station can give voice to your brand. With a wide range of sponsorship opportunities, including individual programs. We can tailor your experience for you. For more information on how you can sponsor a show, go to womensradiostation.com women's radio station supporting Women's well Being.