Love Lessons LIVE SHOW – 14 February

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons Live. I'm here with Elle of mutual attraction matchmaking. And we're going to be talking today about mastering your mindset in order to find your match. So welcome to Elle. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. No. So exciting. We're here at King's Cross St. Pancras Circe, where we are tasting champagne, checking out the date den in the private dining room, and it's so exciting to be here in such a lovely venue with this date dating expert. So, Elle, so excited to have you. This is a series about finding and building and strengthening romantic relationships. So Elle is really an expert in helping people find love in London. And I want to talk to you today or teach those watching and listening in about how to master their mindset in order to find their match. So, so many people tend to hold themselves back with limiting beliefs. They're telling themselves stories, stories about why they can't attract the right partner. So why do you think that is, Elle, and what are they telling themselves? Often I think people, as we all do as humans, suffer from the fear of rejection. So we as humans tend to see the eventualities in sort of what could happen negatively rather than go into it positively thinking about the good stories. You know, all the news is full of the bad stories and you never hear the good news stories. And I think for the same mindset applies to those that are single and looking for love. It's sort of, oh, what if they don't like me? Or what if I don't? What if I'm not funny enough or what if I'm not interesting enough, blah, blah, all these what ifs and those what ifs really manifest itself in not the best way. And actually, instead of arriving on a date or help, you know, on their journey to find love and an awesome partner, these limiting beliefs and conversations that you're having within yourself will actually then hold you back without it being a subconscious or a conscious thing. So, Elle, why is it that singles go out there today and are so proactive in their search, let's say online or offline, at events or via a matchmaker? Why did they get to this space where they're telling themselves these negative stories that they're thoughts and they're not actually things? How do they arrive at that space? I think because they've already been disappointed, they've already been rejected. They've already, you know, we've all got histories, we've all got past, and they're not all good sort of fairy tale endings with all the rest. So again, you're playing, your mind is set to focus on the negative. And I think that unfortunately it's about when you explore different avenues. As you said, be it online matchmaking or just putting yourself out there, it's really important that you are in the right headspace because what you put out there you will get back. And therefore a massive sort of facet to what I do as well, as you rightly said at the beginning, is getting really, getting people, you know, het up and getting their mojo intact and getting them excited again about dating. Because too many people are, yeah, they're holding themselves back. Well, so dating today seems like it has quite a lot of negative connotations. The word dating itself sounds, you know, it sounds scary. And people attach lots of negative stories and beliefs to dating today. How do you, as a matchmaker, help singles master that mindset, turn those stories around so they can say they go on one date or two dates and that person isn't their forever person. But how can they enjoy the process of finding their partner? I think it's about being far more selective and taking way more targeted approach to things. Targeted approach, Enter the matchmaker. Because it's true, I think people are thinking, oh, it's a numbers game, plenty more fish in the sea, or here we go, I'll just sort of go through the motions of it. But actually by having a matchmaker or even playing the matchmaker yourself in a way, and taking that fresh, more targeted approach on things, will make sure that you are meeting the right people that you want to meet. And actually you shouldn't therefore be having a bad process or sort of journey throughout because it should be exciting, it should be fun. You're going in and meeting interesting people. And I think it's about making sure you're not just turning up for the sake of it, but actually that you are from the outset excited about meeting that person because otherwise you're both going to be doomed if you're both just sat there thinking, here we go again, I'm not that excited about meeting you and vice versa, but let's give it a go. It's about saying, who am I? What do I want? And I'm on this date because they've really, they've hooked me somehow. So it sounds to me like you're telling singles today and teaching them about how to get crystal clear and begin, become confident in their journey. And by getting clear, it's, you know, is it physically writing it down? Is it just asking yourself Those questions, I mean, how do you recommend they go about getting clear on what it is that they want to attract the right partner? Yeah, I think it's really. It's an interesting one, actually, because it's very contradictory. Because as much as you have a clear list of what you want, who knows, it can go out the window, can't it? When you meet that right person, it's chemistry, and that's inexplainable. So it's one of those things where it's about knowing who. Who you are, and that's the most important thing. And if you're in the right. It's about a timing thing. If you're in the right time in life and you've got a good understanding of who you are as a human being and you've got a good thing going, I'd say, you know, a relationship should be a added sort of bonus rather than a necessity. You don't want someone to fix you or, you know, build you up or anything like that. It should be. And most of our clients are, you know, they're the most interesting people that had a very colorful background and successful lives. And it's about. Actually, no, I just want someone awesome to join me on my journey rather than I want them to fix me. Yeah. And I think what you're saying and what I'm interpreting in my time as a matchmaker, I really understood was that you have to be your whole self, your best self, and put your best foot forward. And then you. You know, I hate it when people say, on my other half. Well, no, you are who. Yeah, I hate the other half. My other half. I am perfectly whole, thank you. I'm whole. And I'm looking to attract my other half, better half as well. That's also a killer better half. There's nothing better about that person. You're equal and you're in an equal partnership, and that's what you want to attract. So, Elle, we were talking a little bit before about how negative beliefs and limiting beliefs can hold people back from finding love and how those things come about from negative dates and fear of rejection. And these. How can we today give people top tips and teach them how to be their most confident self if they've had a few knockbacks? I just think the main thing is just don't take it personally. It's a classic line. It's not me, it's you. But actually, don't take these things personally. You're not going to be everyone's cup of tea. People will, you know, might not want to go on a second date with you or third date. But there's going to be a lot of people that absolutely want you as their partner or want to go on that first date, second date date. And I just think that as long as you are confident in yourself and you don't let these little knockbacks get in the way, then you're really gonna flourish in terms of going out and meeting the right people and having fun. Just having fun. I think that what sprung to my mind then was the right to choose like you choose your partner and just as you might choose to say, not go on a second date with someone because it wasn't quite for you. If someone chooses not to. To date you a second or third time, you just have to let it go, accept it and not take it personally. Exactly. And as you said, you know, because you would have done the same. There are people that you don't want to date, but it does. They, the. The guy or the girl, they're both equally as classic and cool and fun and all the great things that come with it. Doesn't mean that they're not sort of. It doesn't mean that they're right together, but it's not a reflection on either party. It's just that that chemistry there and then wasn't right. But it makes you. It shouldn't stand in the way of anything that you've. That you think, you know, creative yourself and put out there. So it's about finding the person where, you know, you match with. So, Elle, you deal with serious daters who are seriously looking to settle down. They're looking for a relationship. They're not just looking to date. So I know that as a matchmaker, you teach them to get clear on their values as well. I mean, you. It's a target approach. So if someone is coming to you to help them find their match, how do you get them set up for that first date? As in the process of matchmaking. The process, yeah. So I'll meet with the person and we'll have a good old conversation and just in a very friendly manner because, you know, it's not an interview. Let's not take it into the realms of that. It's about human interaction and communication. So we'll meet them all around London, wherever is easiest for them. And again, it will be in a very nice setting, much like we are here in the heart of London. And we'll have a conversation about what their sort of. What their fundamentals are in terms of what they're looking for. Rule out any non negotiables, make sure that they are a good fit for us in terms of our agency and that we're actually able to help as well. And then we will. They'll fill out a form and it will go into far more of their personality. So a little bit more of like, you know, where we might find you in London, your favourite date night. Top three cities in the world. Fun questions. Yeah. Just to tap into a little bit more of the personality side. And once we've got all of that and we'll make sure that we're armed as much information as we possibly can be, we will go and put their profile together and then meet them again before the matching process begins. Again, just to make sure that we've ironed out everything and that we're on the straight and narrow to go and set them up on their first date. So exciting. It's a real emotional investment to take the time to speak to someone and say, hey, I've not been having so much luck, I've been out there, I've been online dating, I've been to a few events and things haven't quite worked out for me. Can you give me a helping hand? So, you know, singles that go to a matchmaker are basically saying, I'm time poor, I really don't have time, but I'm really serious too. So it's kind of like hiring a personal assistant or a personal trainer if you want to get fit or whatever. It's kind of outsourcing but being selective in your search, I guess. Yeah. I think there's so much. We have so much third party intervention in loads of aspects of our lives that we don't even realise. As you said, personal trainer, you might go to recruiter to get your dream job. There's all these different avenues that we will go down naturally. You know, relationships, seemingly the most important aspect of your life. Sometimes you've got to get the third party intervention. Oh, my God. And I guess it's also being accountable. Accountable to yourself, accountable to actually being serious in the search and being targeted in your strategy for dating and being accountable to your matchmaker saying, hey, this date did or did not work out and here's my constructive and positive feedback in the process. Right. And feedback is hugely important for both sides because we act as the conduit between the two dates. And actually in order to refine the journey that we have with our clients as their matchmaker, it's really important that we know what they liked, what they didn't, where it went wrong, where it went right. And just really make sure that again throughout the process, each one is just getting closer and closer to that Mr. Or Mrs. Perfect. Elle, thank you so much for joining us today. This has been Elle from Mutual Attraction talking about mastering your mindset in order to find your match. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and this is Love Lessons Live. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. This is Women's radio station. You're listening to Avril Price with Kitchen Sink Spirituality. It's Anna Kennedy talking all things autism and my guest today is Karen Nunn. Welcome to future Classical Woman Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Women's radio station, we want to hear from you. I listen to women's radio station Women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, my name is Katie Young Gerald and I'm the founder of Bespoke Textiles and author of best selling books the Textile Touch. I've been working in luxury fashion and textiles for over 25 years and I help brands design luxury bespoke uniforms to high end limited edition collections. We've been doing this for clients such as the Ivy collection to Royal Households and we do it inside of a sustainable supply chain that saves waste. You can find us on bespoketextiles.co.uk. hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalized service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078-254-4122 and Liz spelt l I s@hazazelmaretravel.co.uk are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help. Visit turntous.org.uk Women's radio station is a not for profit community interest coach. Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, head of business development at Women's radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomensradiostation.com hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons Live. I'm here at Circe Champagne Bar, St Pancras and today we're going to be talking about building your confidence, getting back out there and successfully navigating singles events. I'm here with the Very excited to be here with Charlie Spokes, the founder of My Friend Charlie, a very interesting and niche single Spence company. So welcome, Charlie. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. It's so exciting. So I really wanted today get to grips with why singles seem to be lacking somewhat, a little bit of confidence in order to get out there and navigate singles events, because you often find singles at home in their PJs, on the sofa, drinking a cup of tea, swiping left, right, up and down, whichever way, and it far more exciting to meet singles out there. Trial and error and boost confidence, I guess. So can you tell us a little bit about being well and what you do? Of course. So, as I said, I'm Charlie Spokes. I founded my friend Charlie as a way for people to actually get out, meet in real life and have those opportunities of finding people with something in common. So it actually came about from a conversation with my mum. She said, I don't understand why you generation don't meet through friends anymore. And I just thought, actually, you know what, I always host parties. Why don't I just do this on a bigger scale and get more people together and make it into that environment where it's very calm, it's very relaxed, but it's also a lot of fun and you have a good night out regardless. The biggest thing that we've found with this is that it's very easy to meet people or meet people date on that, where you actually don't have to do anything. So you can say, oh, yeah, I'm dating online, I'm chatting to 15 different people and not actually doing anything. So by getting people offline and getting them to come to events, yes, it's a bit more scary, but actually it's far more fun. If you're in a room of 20 people doing something like axe throwing, then automatically you're just going to start to talk to people about the event that you're at and other sort of similar sports and act activities. So really exciting. Charlie's business tagline is pick an event and not a profile. And when I came across that I thought, oh my gosh, that's so right. Because when you're picking an event you're picking something that aligns with your personality, your interests and I guess you know where you want to be at and hopefully you'll meet like minded people that are interested in the same thing. So Charlie, I guess my question is to you is why are so many singles online building these pseudo relationships with other singles and not actually getting out there? What is it that's holding them back? I think it's definitely a confidence thing. It's very, very simple to sit there, as I said, in your pajamas having a cup of tea or a glass of wine and going, oh yeah, they look nice, they look nice, they look nice without actually anything being behind it. So you're looking at an online person which obviously everybody puts their best selves across but not necessarily their real selves. And it's important to remember that nobody is perfect and you're seeing a very different view when you're looking through profiles online. I think the important thing for the focus to be is that actually you want someone who has something in common with you so you want to look for matches somewhere along the line in your profiles, whether you're online or if you're offline. The automatic thing is to find common ground. So we're aiming to just make that easier. And we don't want to filter people, we want people to filter themselves. Hence the pick an event, not a profile. I think that online really lends itself to a lot of, you know, there are a lot of successful matches out there, lots of success stories with the likes of many online dating platforms. But I do think that the online space also lends itself to a lot of, of negative behaviours and I guess activity and what? Well, it's quite a fully loaded question, I guess but what is it about dating events that eliminates that kind of behavior? The behind the screen and faceless, you know, negativity. I think you have to behave in a certain way when you're in front of people. You don't have that opportunity to say something quite so flippant or you really, you consider and you watch their body like and it means that you feed off one another. Whereas online actually a lot of the information gets lost through a text message or a WhatsApp chat. So in real life you do have to moderate your behavior. But you do it naturally. It's not a forced thing. It's having a conversation with your friends rather than picking up on something that somebody said and maybe misconstruing it. Well, Charlie, I have spotted over many years in the dating industry lots of different dating events companies. I do believe that dating events companies have a bit of a taboo still associated with them. Can you tell us a bit about that and what makes yours different and far more exciting? Sure. I think you're absolutely right. Offline dating, speed dating tends to have fairly negative connotations. It tends to sadly stink. A desperation. What we're trying to do is actually make it an enjoyable experience. And the opportunities that we're sort of offering people are effectively just hanging out with friends. We are creating very nice, fun, friendly environments for people to come into and meet other like minded souls. You know, it isn't speed dating. We don't sit people opposite one another for three minutes and say do this, do that. The other what we're doing is we're creating events that you can almost explain away. So if you're a guy down the pub with your mates, you're like, actually guys, I've got to go, sorry, I'm going axe throwing with my friend Charlie. And it's very easy for people to come to a dating event without that stigma being behind it. Fantastic. So it sounds to me like you're really cultivating a community of fun singles who really want to get themselves out there. And I think that singles events can lend themselves very well to the fact that you can learn a new experience or gain a new experience or learn I guess like a new language or a new skill and then take that away with you if you don't take away the love of your life. Tell us a little bit about some positive experiences that you've had with Mike o' Charlie so far. I think one of my favourite things that's come out of this is the fact that actually people are making some really great friends. Friendships. When you're single and all of your friends start coupling up and actually especially if you're coming out of a divorce or a long term relationship, the difficulty is that you don't have single friends to go and do fun stuff with. You know, you can go and hang out with other couples, but it's not great being a third wheel. So the thing that I've absolutely loved and wasn't really expecting is that a lot of the girls get together and they go out for drinks and they meet up quite regularly and the guys go, oh, this is someone I can go watch the rugby with or the football with, or go for a beer with a beautiful bromance. It makes me really happy. I love that. I really love that. So you often talk about singles getting out there, starting again and joining your events by doing that. And for someone who is lacking self esteem because they've been through a fairly traumatic breakup, but they're serious again about finding, finding love, how would you recommend that they best navigate the singles event or put themselves out there? With my friend Charlie, it is really hard and I completely understand that, you know, you want to go for something. What we're trying to achieve is that there will always be a friendly face. You know, there'll be lots of friendly faces, but you always have a host at the event and you'll know who that host is going to be so that you can walk into the room knowing one person. And I think that's absolutely key. The second you know who somebody is and you can go up to them and say, actually, I've forgotten that person's name, or I'd like to swap numbers with this person. Can you help me out or can you just manoeuvre us so we sit near each other. That's really important. It's like having a wingman. A wingman. And so would you say that the community that you're cultivating is kind of like a fun wingman community then of stables? Yeah, it really is. We actually get quite an of people coming and buying sort of single girl, single guy tickets and just bringing a mate along who's also looking for someone, but they didn't want to come on their own, so they're just bringing someone who's not right for them but may well be perfect for somebody else. And that environment already makes it feel like you're in a room full of friends. I have always found in my many years of doing like different singles events and matchmaking and all that jazz, that singles often have the best success if they arrive at, at a singles event on their own. What would you say to that? We do suggest if you're bringing a single friend of the opposite sex, that's fine. We do suggest that you don't come in a group of two, three or four, because otherwise you just chat to your mates and you don't meet anybody else. And actually probably less so for guys. We tend to find most guys come on their own, but for the women, they do much, much better on their own. You don't have that. It's either a friend sort of pushing you on to go and talk to someone you're not really that keen on, or it's a friend going, actually, can you not leave me? I'm a bit nervous at the moment. Whereas if you come on your own, it's just an automatic. Well, I've got to get on with it, really, don't I? Oh, my gosh. Forging ahead, forging ahead. So if, let's say I was single, I decided to come to my friend Charlie's event, how would you recommend I navigate a room or best put my foot forward to forge ahead? I guess. So we start all of our events with a bit of a social mingler. Just have a drink, come in, say hi to everybody whilst we get the event set up. Because all of our events are activity based, actually, we manoeuvre you around the room. So if it's a pub quiz, we'll put you into a team with different people. We'll split friends up. If they come together and you just get moved. So there isn't. You don't really have to do it yourself. We're very much there to making sure that the situation fits you and that everybody's comfortable and that they've got the opportunity to speak to who they want to. But nobody's almost stuck in a networking environment where you're stuck with that one person for 10, 15, 20 minutes. And in a nutshell, if I'm perhaps a little bit nervous about being there, whether I'm with my friend or my, you know, have made a bromance or whatever, you know, a romance, and how would you, you best advise me to overcome the nerves of being at a single event or a first date in general? I think there's two really huge things that you can do. Firstly, the way you dress, whether you're male or female, it really doesn't make a difference. Dress for the person you want to attract and the person that you want to present yourself as and smile. It's amazing how much more. If you tell yourself you're excited, you say before you walk into a date or an event, I am excited, you'll have a much better success rate. I love that. And, you know, it's such a law of attraction. That is the second time in two days that I've heard. If you tell yourself that you're excited about something that's making you nervous or making you kind of a little bit jittery or you're putting yourself out there, it's not the norm to be in a room full of singles who are actively searching you know, if you're putting yourself out there, kudos to you for doing 100%. 100%. By booking in, you've done 50% of it. Really? Really. And so can you tell us a little bit about one success story? Actually, we've had some really nice success stories and we sort of the way that we follow up on people is quite gentle because they're coming to us because we don't have profiles online. They like their privacy. So we just hear through friends of friends coming to the next event. If they came to their first event with mates and they've met somebody, the friend has met somebody, then their friend will come back and say, oh yeah, you know, so and so is still dating. So and so. And that's really cool. Charlie, absolutely lovely to speak to you. Thank you so much. So I'm here with Charlie Spokes. We're at Kings Cross St Pancras Circe Champagne Bar. And we have been talking about building your confidence and getting back out there in real life. Meeting singles. This is Sarah Louise vine on Love. Let's Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. When it comes to money, do you clam up or get confused? Do you wish you could save more money or are you hoping you have enough for retirement? You are not alone. 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If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomensradiostation.com hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons Live. I'm here at Circe St Pancras Champagne Bar and we have got a very exciting panel. So this is a Valentine series about finding love, building stronger relationships. And this episode is all about first date etiquette. And we're in the date den. Someone said before, which I loved. So welcome. I'm here with the head of beverages who's going to teach us a little bit about champagne, first date etiquette and the things to do and not to do. So welcome. Hello. Hello, my name is Joelle Clostre. Welcome to Saint Pantras and this is Champagne Bar and Brasserie. So we here have quite a lot of people coming to our place to date. So it's quite common things happening because of how romantic it is. But I think the great thing to go through now is a glass of champagne maybe for your first date Valentine. I think it would be perfect to start your. Your date. Recommending very much is a Laurent Perrier. I think everybody has heard of is the champagne to have. You know why? Because it's just so smooth. It's just got so much fruits to it. Raspberries. And it's just perfect for Valentine. Perfect for a first date. It's not the most expensive champagne, it is not cheap, you know, but it is the perfect, perfect champagne to have. Can we have a taste? Of course. Perfect. Let's. Let's tuck in. Here's Tulo. Happy Valentine. Happy Valentine. Cheers. Cheers. Thank you. Cheers. Also the colour is very appropriate. Oh, very fruity. Beautiful. Yes, it's got lovely, lovely richness of raspberries and strawberries. So Jo, can you tell us a little bit about how Cersei's really lends itself well to first dates especially? You've got St Pancras, you've got the Gherkin and there's another one I believe, isn't there? We've got St Pancras, we've got the Gherkin, we have a restaurant in Blenheim palace, for example. There's quite a few actually, but predominantly the one that really sits very well on the wrong dating, the Champagne bar here at St Pancras and the Gherking restaurant and bar, which is extremely romantic as well. But I mean the Champagne bar is the one that mostly has a huge pool of dating and we see an enormous amount of couple coming here for their first date or coming back for the second date because it's just incredibly romantic. So I have Charlie Spokes here as well. I have Elle from Mutual Attraction and Charlie's from my friend Charlie, by the way. And Kenny from the Man Whisperer. So some real experts in dating and relationships and also an expert in the champagne purchasing which we really adore. So Charlie, can you tell me a little bit about navigating a first date? Have you got any top tips for us? Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. It is obviously a really nerve wracking experience and it's very easy, I think, to have a little glass of champagne before you start and drink it very quickly. My biggest suggestion would be don't overdo it in the initial sort of 10, 20 minutes on an empty stomach. So there's nothing worse than having a drunk date. I love that. Very true. Yes. No one wants a fluff date no matter how fruity the champagne. Kenny, have you got any top tips for kind of no go's on a first date? Because a lot of of people when they put themselves out there, they get quite nervous about dating I guess, and can often make a boo boo on a first date. So have you got any no go's? Tell us some don't use your date as your mother or therapist. So many people debrief about this happened, that happened, this relationship, etc, etc. Also don't use your first date as a checklist because they these days with online dating it's tick boxes. This is a person in front of you, it's playtime, it's not tick box time. So relate, hang out and play. I mean you're on a date, you may as well have a good time. And no one's asking you to get married. Chill out and enjoy it. Yeah, enjoy the process. So earlier on, we were chatting to Elle about, you know, enjoying the process of dating. Even if that person you don't think on the first date is the one, you want to spend some time getting to know them. Have you got any top tips for kind of mastering the nerves on a first date? Three things right away is, first and foremost, get some space, take some deep breaths and think, this is how I want my day to be. So it's almost like emotionally go there and bring that feeling to the dates rather than, am I going to be this and am I to going to be that? And is she going to like me? And how do I have to sell out and be a good act? Don't be a good act. Get real and time travel to the feeling of the ideal date and bring that feeling to the date. Surely. Yes. Number two, go and check for bogeys, because it's just so. Do I look okay? Have I spilt something? You know, are my flies undone? All these distractions about. Have I missed something? Do I have raspberry in my teeth? Go and check. Don't think about it. Go and check. Take some space, have some breaths, and check to see that you're looking 100% you. Not right, but you be you. And number three has got to be play. Just play. Play before the date rather than rehearsing lines and getting up tight, but come from a playful place because surely you're there to have fun. And do you want a relationship? That's going to be hard work. You know, people say you have to work at your relationship. Well, you also have to play at your relationship. Otherwise, why bother? So how's that? I love that. It's just fine, Kenny. Thank you. So, Elle, something that I was just thinking about when Kenny was chatting about, you know, really being there and being authentic on your date and really seeing the person having them see you, not your perfect self. Something that singles can kind of get themselves into is something I call the comparison crisis. So they're sat there, they're chatting to a date. Perhaps they're comparing them to someone that they've been on a date with or romanticizing a relationship that's passed. And, you know, that was a great relationship, but it ended up looking for someone similar. How can singles get past the comparison crisis? Oh, gosh, it's a big one. Amen to that. Kenny, that was brilliant. I think slightly. I guess it goes the other way to what you said, though. It's almost and sort of what you're saying as well, Sarah, is also just try not to over sort of theorize everything. So I think if we're all there, we're about to go on a date and we're thinking, right, gotta be funny and oh, I've also got to show empathy and I also need to do this and I got to be charming and I got it. Honestly, like, we'll all go mad and you'd be able to see straight through it. And I think you've just got to sit back, play, enjoy the ride and have fun. And actually, in terms of. I've completely forgotten what you've asked me. The question, the comparison. That's it, the comparison. Treat each one, it's case by case. You've got to treat each individual on each day as totally new person, a new human being, a new opportunity. And I think that it's really important that you don't bring any of your emotional tie backs or any individuals that you might have in your head. You've got to focus on the person right in front of you and enjoy it. Amazing, Amazing. So it's a whole process. It's a new person each time you go on a date. And really enjoy that in a positive way. And be mindful of. Be mindful, be playful. So one big question, which I know so many people cover, and it's a bit of a tricky one. Who should pay on the first date? Should we go to the. I believe we're going there. We're going there. I feel fashion. I think the man should, and I'd say probably 90% of the time they do. But I don't see any, any problem with that. I think it is what romance is about and I can't really see being criticized for that at all. If the lady wants to do and pain us, there is no problem with that at all. But usually it's not. Let's pass it over. Charlie, what do you say? Thank you. It's quite an interesting conundrum actually. And I think, especially with the MeToo movement and everything that's come about from that. If somebody offers to pay, they're not doing it to offend you. They're doing it because they want to. And be gracious and accept it. If somebody says no, I'd like to split it again, be gracious and accept it. It doesn't matter who pays at the end of the day, as long as you're having fun. Oh, I love that. Do we have any other opinions on the matter? Anyone like to have their two Cents after you go on, El. Can't wait for calm. Well, no, I think again, if you're being invited, whether that be the male or the female, the person who's invited you on that date, I do think actually, you know, you may have chosen the restaurant, you may have chosen the activity, therefore you should be paying because you've invited them on this. But by no means should you just sit back and not put your hand in your pocket. I think there should be an element of either buying the drinks before the dinner or after the dinner or just contributing to some element of the overall night or day. So, yeah, a bit of both. Let's bring both to the party. A terrible joke. Everyone should put their cards on the table. What do you think, Kenny? You know, I'm shocked. It's so, so valuable to have information that 90% of the men pay. I didn't know that and I totally agree with you. Whoever invites, it's like this is my invitation. Yeah. And I feel not only is it not about who pays, but it's so much about what is this relationship about and where are our boundaries and how am I with sharing and how am I with being equal? And it's quite old fashioned for the man to pay. And I guess I'm quite an old fashioned man. On the other hand, there can be an unspoken, I have paid, therefore, blah, blah, blah, whatever it is, therefore you owe me, therefore I have the power. And that works both ways. And I wonder whether it's also to do with wealth and choice because these days there are a lot of more wealthy women than men or women who earn more. And there are a lot of households, husbands. So it's not about male or female. I wouldn't even say it's about masculine or feminine. I'd say it's more of a test run of how are we together, how do we share a space and how do we communicate boundaries? And communicating boundaries is so intimate. So may as well start with your credit cards on the table. Amazing. Thank you so much, Kelly. And so finally, if I could get from you in a nutshell, just a couple of words of how singles can be confident in putting themselves out there in real life this Valentine's Day, such as coming to Surcease for a glass of fizz with a date rather than staying online. Any thoughts? Just be yourself. To be honest, I think that's from what everybody said. I think when you're meeting somebody, yes, it might be daunting because you want to impress, but be yourself, just be yourself. And it usually goes very well because everyone else is taken. Maybe not. But we do see people that try to impress too much and tend to be the one that. Well, thank you so much. I'm Sarah Louise vine and this is Love Lessons Live. Thank you so much for our wonderful panel here at Circe St Pancras. It's been great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. This is Women's Radio Station. You're listening to Avril Price with Kitchen Sink Spirit Spirituality. 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Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately, zmomensradiostation. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons Live. I'm here at Searcy Champagne Bar, St. Pancras, and I'm here with the lovely Kenny Mamarella. Got it right. I mean, it's such a mouthful, but he is the man whisperer, an absolute relationship guru. And today we're going to be talking about bringing couples together. So it's a bit of a couples clinic for those who are perhaps having some cracks in communication or connection this Valentine's. And we want to really talk about bringing your couple closer and communicating and connecting deeper for a happier, healthier, loving relationship. So welcome to Kenny. Thank you so much. Always a pleasure to have you. I'm so excited because he really does know his stuff. He will talk to anyone that's looking to deepen connection or those who are looking to find love and don't really know how to navigate flirting. Flirting's a big one. Authentic flirting, rather than fraud flirting. Because surely it's about being the flirt, which means being yourself and letting that shine through rather than hiding it or pretending something else, rather than being a cheap flirt, which is being a fraud and handing power over with fear of abandonment and humiliation. What's sexy about that? Well, as we pretty much dove straight into flirting, I would love to talk a little bit about flirting in a relationship. You've already got a partner, your family or somebody. But perhaps, you know, that, you know, tactile communication has fallen by the wayside somewhat. How can we flirt and add more fun into our relationships with our spouse or person? That is such an important question because so many people fall into the trap of now we're parents or now we're saving for a bigger house or now we're this, that and the other and they forget who the we is and sacred space for us. Who are we just to get together and to hang out and who are you right now and how are we? And this is who I am right now. And to leave space for everyone to change and to grow and to come more and more alive and to share, share fears. Because I'm not going to pretend that being I've been married for what, four, five years in a relationship for 15, 16 years, and it's great. I love it. It's the best thing I've ever done. More than that, it's not me doing it, it's me being in relationship, me growing in relationship and me changing in relationship. So, Kelly, we talk about change, we talk about growth, and we talk about how it's important to connect in those stages. What happens if we say in our relationship we do change and that's natural, we don't stagnate. What if we change at a different pace to our partner, we don't communicate? What can then happen? I find that change is something that generally needs to be embraced and it would be a no, no to fall in love with someone or to fall in like with someone and think, I can change you so I can love you. So accept the person in front of you, of you, and then give space for change, communication, growth, more communication, listening. And so it goes on. So it's not happening secretly. But we have our date night, for example, or we have this, even if it's a meeting, if that's what it takes. Or a Skype if you live in separate countries or have to travel, but a sacred space that is kept and that's where we check in. So with my wife and I, we have been through a long honeymoon period. We have been through a. After she asked me to marry her, I didn't want to rush into it. I wanted to know what it was like to be a fiance. She did that on the leap year, didn't she? On the leap year? Of course she did. There's something that you mentioned there which I think that anyone listening or watching in might ask a question about. So you talked about. Okay, that person isn't quite perfect for me, perfect, whatever that word means. And I would like to change them and then they will be perfect. What would you say to a new couple or someone who's entered into a relationship who thinks that person isn't quite right and not exactly what I'm looking for, but I will try and change that bit and they will be right. What would you say to that person? You probably have some sort of a rescuer personality type. And what is that? It's like I will find someone who's not quite good enough and then I'll try and rescue them and I'll try and save them because that's how. How I know to express relationship. And with that they'll be less than me. There'll be no space for intimacy, no space for equality. Because first I need to save this person and then we can start. Okay, so in a couple, if I'm, say, having a crack in my connection and I'm not feeling deeply rooted and in love right now this Valentine's Day, I know that Valentine's Day can bring around like a sense of guilt for singles or guilt in a couple who aren't feeling in love. What would you say to pull yourself closer to your partner this Valentine's? I don't believe I can pull myself closer to my partner or find versa until I pull myself closer to me. I need to know me and accept me and be cool with me. And then I can extend to another person where I'd say, so many relationships get enmeshed, so whatever it is I don't like about me, I'll find that fault in you and I'll want you to fix it so I don't need to touch it. So be the perfect man and allow the perfect woman, and vice versa. Be true to yourself and check in at the depth of fun or flirtation or sexuality or exploration of things of the mind. It doesn't all have to be hard. But check in with those places and say, meet me here. Either actually literally say meet me here or just in the way that you show up. Because it takes risk for one to be vulnerable and to put up the invitation and it's bliss when the other joins in that place. That's what it's about. It's not doing together or fixing or even working out. It's being together and it's dying to the allowing the control to fall away and dying to the vulnerability to come alive and find out who I am and who we are rather than let's play this sage little game. And that's playing a game. And playing games just bring loss. So if you as a person in a couple kind of let go of any control that you're trying to hold over a situation or a scenario or something that isn't serving you in your relationship. You need to let that go. And so my interpretation of what you just said and correct me if I'm wrong, is to kind of work on my back self and be my best self, bring my best self to the dinner table, I guess, this Valentine or whatever, and then you will forge a deeper connection, is that correct? Exactly. It's not 50, 50%. And together we're perfect. It's a hundred and a hundred percent. And together we're so much more than 200% because the magic brings chemistry, that brings fireworks. And if that's not the only option, then why you vote? But that's not to say that there won't be boring patches, fearful patches, lost patches, vulnerable patches, angry at each other, patches, out of control grief. Someone might get ill, someone might die. But it's about checking into the relationship and giving it the best and allowing everything to pass. It's so easy for people to think this is how it is, this is how it always will be, and this is how it always has been. And that's not true. I always think that in a relationship, you have to kind of get to grips with the fact that there will be times where it's like an elastic band and you feel like you're pulling back or you're springing back in connection. But you have to acknowledge that that would be a change. It will be stated of growth where you can spring forward and be more connected to your spouse or your significant other. So I think it's so exciting that we both are on the same page as that. Exactly. And what. What would you say to a couple who are really going to try their best to, you know, reconnect this Valentine's Day? How can they bring that to the table all year round and not just on that 14th of February? So much of it is the twinkle in the eye. It's not about the acts. I mean, find the language of love. It could be words, it could be touch, it could be gifts, it could be, you know, know what turns your partner on. Know where you meet so you can communicate and make it special all the time. It doesn't mean work on it all the time, but have the thought, have the feeling, have that love in you that wants to come alive and wants to share and allow every change space to be named. We don't want into the head, fantasize fear, and figure out how to fix things that aren't even broken. We want the gold coming out of the mouth so the alchemy of love can happen. Oh, my gosh. Such a romantic. Such a romantic. So, Kenny, tell me, how can couples best celebrate Valentine's Day? Eye gazing. Eye gazing. Such a flirt. Such a flirt. So you have to, you know, connect, communicate, flirt with your partner, be playful. What kind of. But, you know, more than that. It's. Be vulnerable. It's when you look into each other's eyes, like turning for men. I don't know about women turning masculine to masculine. So know the mask, know the defense and let it drop. Let her see you. Let yourself. Reveal yourself and meet in these places of depth and vulnerability. And then from the places you go in your eyes and in your connection, then take that into your relationship. Let it come from the spirit, let it come from the heart, and then let it flood into life. Amazing. So if we could just do a recap in this couples clinic, just a quick recap to, you know, bring couples together again, reconnect and forge that deeper sense of communication, love and happiness within their. Within their coupletom give us, give us. In a nutshell. In a nutshell, be together, not just do together. Keep checking in so you know who you are, where you are and what might be passing without making stories about what might be passing. And for heaven's sake, if he or she is talking about something rather than jumping in to save them, ask them. Do you want me to fix this or would you like me to just be with you and listen? Kenny Mamarella, thank you so much. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. This is Love Lessons live at Women's radio station at Circe's Champagne Bar in St Pancras. 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