Love Lessons LIVE SHOW – Marriage; Overcoming Conflict And Making It Last

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons on Women's radio Station. I'm here on the show where we talk about everything from dating, relationships to breakups, divorce and all that good stuff when you start back over again as a brand new single in the confident, mindful dating scene. So I'm here Today talking with Dr. Tartt all the way across the pond in Atlanta. So we're here at the studio in Covent Garden and we're so pleased to be dialing him in. We're going to be talking a little about marriage, its grievances, how they can come about in general. And then later on in the show, we're really going to get to grips with how to divorce, proof your marriage and overcome the conflict and kind of get yourself out of the doghouse, which I believe is Dr. Tartt's stamp of approval. So welcome, Dr. Tartt. Thank you for joining us on the show at women's radio station today. Hey, thanks for having me. I'm excited. Oh, we're so excited to have you. Thanks for being here and joining us and teaching the listeners what they need to know about their marriages and the grievances that can naturally come about with really busy hustling and bustling day to day life. So, you know, it's exciting to have you here because I really do believe that your expertise, I know you've been in the media all across the US and you've got hundreds of clients that you help through their marriages, through dating and I guess through breakups. Am I right? Correct me if I'm wrong. Yes. All the phases, Sarah, from the beginning to the end to sometimes trying to put it back together after breaking up, we do it all. You do it all and you do it with such a positive spirit. And that's the thing that I really love about you because you really deal with tough and very personal situations, as anyone in the dating industry does. But you work really directly giving advice. And there are a few things that you put out there that I find very interesting. And particularly today, obviously I want to cover marriage and get to grip with those grievances. So could you tell me a little bit about the grievances that come around in general in a marriage? If you have lots of ideas, which I'm sure you do. Well, you know, I think anyone that's dated for longer than three months or been married knows what those grievances are. The biggest grievance I see is couples, when couples argue and they can't stop arguing. So there's a difference of opinion. Maybe it's saving money, maybe it's spending money on a vacation. And they'll argue. And when they argue, the arguments can last days, sometimes even weeks. And what we know is that couples can survive a few arguments, but if you argue over and over and over again, it begins to erode away the love and connection in a relationship. Second grievance. I see a lot of couples spend more time watching tv, Netflix, using social media than they do spending time with their spouse. So they are not talking, they are not connecting. They're like roommates, Sarah. They just look at each other and they're on their phones, and they're spending more time with people that are just on social media than looking at one another. And so it sounds like they're constantly looking at the image of perfection, if that's even a thing, which I hate the word perfect, because there's nothing perfect out there. You know, you find two imperfect souls and you come together as one, and you build something in harmony, I guess. And so on social media, singles, couples, married pairs, are constantly looking at this idea of a perfect life and, you know, kind of removing themselves further away from their partner. Is that right? Yes. We're looking to get the attention, the approval, and believe it or not, the likes from everyone but our partner. And what it's doing is it's ruining intimacy. So we already work so many hours now. I mean, more hours than what's healthy. And so when we get home, that's our time to connect. That's our time to talk to one another, to share each other's worlds. And if you have children that take away from that or a second job or anything like that, it's next to impossible to maintain connection and intimacy with your spouse. Absolutely understood. And, you know, you talk about grievances, as we mentioned, and there are so many different things. And anyone that's ever been in a relationship or is out there and married knows that it takes a lot of work to make it work. And so when you've had, you know, a conflict with your partner or communication breaks down and cracks back, begin, what is it? How do these negative feelings and thoughts, emotions and conversations, how do they actually come about? How do they grow? Well, it's usually someone starts feeling, I'm not getting enough attention, but they don't say it. They don't know. They don't feel comfortable saying, I need more attention. And so it might start about an argument. You might say, is your turn. Do dishes. You're never here. Do dishes anyway. And so sarcasm. So the other person said, well, where does that come from? Why are you in such a crabby mood? And some in a crabby mood because you're not here. So it's that lack of communication. We don't like to communicate our needs because of pride. I also see, believe it or not, jealousy from social media. They see people paying more attention to their phones or watching television shows than they do. And sometimes they act out. Another thing that we see is just a disconnection, Sarah, to where couples are at dinner and they can't even find things to talk about that are not problems or bills. They just lost chemistry, which used to be so comfortable, so easy, so life giving now begins to be a chore because they're in a nasty box. They're just in the negative. And then another one is if one partner is not taking care of him or herself, they tend to take it out on their partner. So if I've had a rough day at work, Sarah and I come in and say, hey, I don't want to talk right now. I just want to go to bed. This food is undercooked. Or, you know, why are the kids still up? If I bring that negativity home, and then my wife feels that, my partner feels that now I've transferred my negative energy to, to my spouse, and then she'll transfer it back. Gotcha. And so it would be in my mind, quite fair to say and do correct me if you think something completely different, but I think it's not always the lack of love that can break down a relationship or a marriage. It can often be the lack of friendship that you forget sometimes or somehow that you and your partner forged a friendship first and foremost, and you came together in harmony as friends and you found differences, you found commonalities. And I heard you mention in one of your YouTube videos that you in the beginning celebrated those commonalities and differences too. And the further you get along in your relationship, you kind of, kind of sanction each other for those differences and you forget that you were friends. Can you explain a little bit more about what your thoughts are on that and if you agree? Oh, yes, absolutely. Well, when people first meet Sarah, they're total strangers. I mean, they might be co workers or they might know each other from school or from some social club, but most people are strangers when it comes to dating. And what do they do? They spend hours on the phone, they spend hours talking to one another face to face. They take picnics, they do new dates, they visit each other at work, they pick each other up after work and they're having all this conversation. But when we date, we kind of go into like a roommate situation. And so part of what brings connects people. If we think about relationship as a verb, not a noun. So a lot of times we say we're in a relationship. But when you look at couples that are struggling, they're not talking, they're not dating, they're not going to a new museum, they're not going out to eat, they're not going to a play, they're not. Their relationship is boring. It is straight boring. And there's no energy and you feel like I just don't feel it. And. But we're dating. No, dating has to be a verb. So everyone listening right now you have to, you have to date. And not only date, but your date should be new. So it should be new things for you to experience. It can't be going to the same old restaurant over and over and over again. Going to the movies over and over again. Has to be new things. And then you have to talk about things that are really deep. That's my last point, is that sometimes we get caught talking about surface things. But you don't even know that your partner is thinking about quitting her job or thinking about having a baby or worried about her mom or really wants to pursue something in her career and want your support. Because we just don't talk about it. Yes, we're connecting on the surface and doing those mundane day to day tasks that keep, you know, for survival, I guess. And we, I think, forget to really see each other and forget to really connect with each other and like you said, experience brand new things. And something that I had no intention of bringing up, but it just occurred to me, it's so relevant is that my partner and I have just started Alphabet dating. Have you heard of that, Dr. Tart? No. Alphabet dating. Let me write this down. My gosh. So Alphabet dating is where you get every single letter in the Alphabet and you take it in turns to pick something. A date, an experience beginning with each letter. So for example, A being aerial yoga or acrobatics and you know, B, we're going to go and play basketball or badminton. And so we're really forcing ourselves A out of our comfort zone and B, into new experiences together. And I know that scientifically speaking that that really activates something else in your br. And a lot more serotonin is produced producing those happy feelings and greater connections. So yeah, we're about to Alphabet day. What do you think about that? I love it. I love it because it brings on. It's something new. It's something fun. It challenges you to take turns. So I'll take A, you take B. And you never know what's coming. I'm just wondering what y' all are going to pick for Z and X. Oh, my God. Xylophoning, Zumbering. I don't know. Riding a zebra. I don't know. See, couples have come up with some. And that's the fun part is I can imagine, you know, calling my spouse and say, hey, babe, we need to come up with something for Z or X. And then we actually spend time researching that, and we're excited about what we come up with. Oh, my gosh. We have got so much to talk about, and I'm sure that we're going to be giving the listeners so many top tips because, you know, I'm. Guys, I'm here with Dr. Tartt, and we're talking about grievances in marriage, how they come about, how, as Dr. T says, you can get yourself in this negative box. Is that what you called it? Negative bo. Yes, Negative box. This negative box. And you can get stuck there. And you want to get out, but you just don't know how to get out. You've worked your way so far from your partner physically and emotionally that you don't know how to work your way back and get out of that box. So with Dr. Tartt, we're gonna be talking live here on love lessons, women's radio station. Later on in the show about how to get out of the doghouse, how to date as a couple, how to merge back together in a loving, healthy relationship. And we'll be right back. 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For more information, visit womensradiostation.com. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, head of business development at Women's Radio Station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 07-95637-1483 or alternately zmomeomensradiostation.com. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Women's Radio Station. I'm here on Love lessons live with Dr. Tartt. All the way across the pond in Atlanta, we have just been talking about marriage, we've been talking about its grievances and how you can kind of get yourself in this negative box which we know as the doghouse where, you know, maybe one partner is angry at another and you've worked your way so far apart from each other that you don't really know how to work your way emotionally, physically. And you are, you feel disconnected, you feel a lack of intimacy, you feel a lack of communication and conversation. So welcome back to Dr. Tartt. Hey, I'm excited. We're excited. Go on. I was texting my wife about this Alphabet dating. I just want to let you know that, well, hopefully she will be well up for it. As we would say in the uk and, yeah, fingers crossed that you have a great time. I'm sure you absolutely will. So for those who are out there and not currently Alphabet dating and they feel this huge level of disconnect with their partner, do you have some tips of how they can forge that communication and start to work their way back to each other and effectively get out of this doghouse situation? All right, one, this is going to be for the men. I think you should perform something called chore play. Chore play. A lot of women are coming home and they're doing too many chores, and men are mad because there's not enough lovemaking and not enough time. And so, hey, listen, today everyone's working, regardless of we're all overworking. So divide the chores in half. Take them from your wife so that she can relax, take a bath, take a shower, not deal with the kids for a day or two or as long as you can, and call it chore play. That way she's not tired, she's ready for you, and the chores are done and there'd be more time for lovemaking. I think that's amazing, and I'm a huge believer that there is nothing more attractive than a man that can do diy. I've said it before on the show, and I'll say it again. It's absolutely true. As soon as I see my partner doing a spot of diy, which I know I'm absolutely rubbish at, I just think, thank goodness he's helping me around the house. He cares about the home, and he also has a level of respect for my time versus his time and sees that, you know, I'm putting into making our house a home. And he does the same. Oh, my gosh, there's nothing more attractive than that. So thank you for bringing that up. Hey, you know what? And my wife is texting me, so, yeah, be a man of your word, you know, so I'm sure I'll be vacuuming when I get home tonight. All right, here's number. Here's number two plan. We talked about this earlier. Plan a novel date. A lot of couples are missing a spark. And if you want to change your mind or change your feeling, change what your mind sees. So a lot of couples are missing something new. They want to feel new. They want that new energy. So plan a novel date. Do something that you've never done before that takes your spouse out of the element. That's fun. Number three, if you in the doghouse, listen, please apologize quickly. You know you are wrong. Apologize. But, Sarah, I want them to do something else than just apologize. I want them to apologize and then go get help for whatever you could keep doing wrong. So if you have a problem with your anger, go get counseling for your anger. If you have a problem with time management, you're always coming home late. Go take a time management course. Go get a coach to help you with that. Too many people are frustrated with empty apologies. They're apologies, but they know nothing's going to change. So the best thing that you can do to get out of the doghouse is apologize and then change. I love that. Thank you so much. And I'm sure the listeners would absolutely agree with you that it's the best way forward. It's really hard, you know, you know, I've got coaching clients, too. I know that it's really hard to admit that you want to talk to. You want to talk to somebody professionally about an issue that you're having. So how would you suggest that they kind of, you know, take a deep breath and be vulnerable and eliminate any idea of shame that they have around going to see someone about something they need help with? Well, the key is, do you want to get better? Do you want to be stronger, or do you want to hurt the people that you care about? A lot of times we think about, well, if I go in that, that means that I admit that I have a problem, and that makes me feel worse. Meanwhile, if you don't get help, that. That. That problem, Sarah, is transferring to your kids, it's transferring to your spouse. It's affecting you at work, it's affecting your friends. So I think the bigger thing is, do I really want to be a better person myself? And do I want to be better to my spouse and my kids and the people I care about? When we look at it as coaching, when we look at it as self improvement, self development, I think we all could use time with a counselor or a mentor, our therapist, to make sure that we're all better. You know what? And it really sounds to me like you're advising to take a bird's eye view on the whole, you know, negative or, you know, perhaps about to become negative situation before you allow it to, you know, you stop it in its tracks. And I think that's really interesting and a great, A great point to make. Now, Dr. Tarr, you know, earlier on in the show, you mentioned something interesting about the words that you use which break, you know, break down a relationship. So say someone says, hey, I've just done this for you. And then you come back with, say something Sarcastic. That's quite detrimental to the communication. How. How would you say that couples can scrape it back when they're so far in this negative language and communication with each other, they don't know how to change that up? They don't know how to positively communicate with each other because it's so far gone? What would you say then? Well, you're mentioning the four horsemen, so listen up. These are the four horsemen that kill relationships. We know what they are. So if you have these four things in your relationship, it is going to hurt. It is going to die. All right? Number one is criticism. Criticism is when you. The first thing you say out of your mouth is, how could you do this? Or, why did you do that? Or you never take me out to eat, or you never get off the phone, or you never keep what I tell you private. Are you never plan good dates? That's number one criticism. The second one, which is usually a defense to criticism, is called defensiveness. It's where someone brings up something you know you need to change. You're always late. You're always raising your voice, and instead of you owning it, you get defensive and say, well, what about you? What about what you do wrong? What about when I came home yesterday? So that's two of the horsemen. The third horseman is contempt. And this is the most dangerous of the four. And it's where you make a character judgment about your spouse. So what kind of man would sit in bed and not get up when his wife comes home and help him with the groceries? Help her with the groceries? What kind of woman would refuse her husband sex for five days in a row? And this is really a character assassination. And then number four is called stonewalling. And stonewalling is where you emotionally shut down and build a stone wall between you and your partner. You respond to everything they say, but emotionally, you've checked out. And when you have those four horsemen in your relationship, therapists know that your relationship is on the rocks. Matter of fact, the way they predict divorce is that they put couples through an argument. They ask you, what's something you disagree on? And they have them talk about it, and they look for how many of the four horsemen they can find. Wow, that is fascinating. And also, I'm sure, you know, some people are perhaps listening in and thinking, I can relate to one of those four or, you know, a couple, or maybe all four. And I think this conversation. It's a tough one to have, but I think it's so interesting. Interesting and helpful for those who feel like they're stuck and want to work on their marriage and want to become unstuck because they didn't take their vows for a day, they took them for a lifetime. And they're obviously tuning in today to get some advice from you. And I really appreciate how poignant what you're saying is. So how can we inject some bounce back ability? Like if, you know, if you feel stuck with yourself, spouse and you want to become unstuck, how can we, how can we break down those stone walls and how can we communicate positively and stop the criticism? Well, Sarah, that's a great question because we can't make people scared like, oh my goodness, my relationship. I tell them how to fix it. All right, so the reverse of the four horsemen. So instead of criticizing, appreciate your partner more. So you should be appreciating your partner. This is according to the research. Three times day, three times a day. So three total appreciations. But they have to be real time. That means they have to be within the last 24 hours. That's building up your partner. That's telling your partner the good things about them. And what we call it is an appreciation sandwich. So you give five appreciations and you can give the criticism. You can still. You can. No relationship is perfect. You're going to need to talk about what you need to do differently. But what's important is you have to be able to appreciate five times more than you criticize. Number two, own what you do wrong. I'm defensive. Just say you need to work on my time management. I'm going to set up some time with a coach because I know it's annoying and it's affecting everything. And then number three, before you really have contempt for someone, ask yourself, you know, what, could I see myself doing this under the same circumstances? So it's where you have no judgment. You don't judge the person. You have compassion and say maybe they're going through something and you seek to understand. And then number four, instead of stonewalling, speak up. Say, I feel like I want to shut down right now, or I feel like I want to throw something, or I feel like you're not listening to me. So I just want to kind of go into a shell, give the other person a warning as to what's going on so that they can take a timeout. And that's the biggest recommendation that I have for couples. What we know is that when your heart beats above 100 beats a minute, that's called emotional flooding. And when you flood emotionally, everything out of your mouth after that everything you do is all bad. That's when we interrupt, we become sarcastic, we reach out to other people passive aggressively, we get aggressive. Maybe you curse, maybe you shut down. Don't let yourself get emotionally flooded without taking a time out, because everything after that you're going to regret. Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much for that. I have heard you mention something about love mapping before and that is something I'd really like to touch after the break a little bit later on in the show. I'm here with Dr. Tarts and thank you so much for being here with us at Women's Radio station. And we've just been talking about grievances in marriage. What are the Four Horsemen, which I've just learned about here with Dr. Tart, and how they can really come about if you're feeling some emotional and physical resistance and if there's conflict arising. We want to teach you to become more connected with your spouse, to communicate and to rebuild any bridges over those cracks in your marriage. So later on in the show, we're going to be talking about marriages with children and what we can teach kids and children today about marriage and forging good, strong communication. So here on Women's Radio Station, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan with Dr. Tartt and we'll be right back talking love, marriage and communication. Women's Radio Station is a a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. 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If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomensradiostation.com. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm here on Love Lessons live at women's radio station. I've been here today with Dr. Tartt over in Atlanta, listening in all the way in Covent Garden, London and all around the world. So welcome back, Dr. Tartt. Hey, I'm glad to be here. Glad to have you back. So we have had a very interesting conversation so far about marriage, its grievances, breakdowns in communication and all that jazz that we really want to fix. Actually, Dr. Tartt, I know that you've got, you're doing, you're working on something called fix my marriage right now. Is that right? That is correct. What is that? Tell me. All right, so couples that want to know how to have a winning marriage, they, they want to fix them. You know, they, they value therapy, but they really want to fix themselves. They want to go to the next level. So we launched something called thewinningmarriageformula.com where we give you the best advice when it comes to how to fix your marriage, whether you are disconnected, whether you're fighting, and you want to know how to resolve these issues so you can be marital masters versus marital disasters. And then we also, for couples that just want to go to the next level, they want to be better teammates, they want to support one another, they want to be like the Obamas, they want to be both prosperous and support one another and stand the test of time. So we're doing something. So go to thewinningmarriageformula.com and they can watch a series of videos and get better as a couple. And the thing is, one thing. You know, what I really learned about relationships in my time in the dating industry, as a relationship expert and in relationships myself, is that if you don't grow together and communicate the growth, whether it's the same rate or not, you essentially grow apart from your partner. Isn't that right? Yes. Because my wife and I, Sarah, we had to sit down at the beginning of the year and say, all right, what projects are we working on? What are your dreams? What are your wishes? And we found some areas where we collided where we were both trying to do things at the same time, and there's no way we could do them and be able to be there for our kids. So we literally took time and said, all right, babe, you go first, I'll go second, then I'll go, and then you go. And we actually planned it so that we can be the best team possible versus trying to compete with one another. I absolutely love that. And also, I can totally mirror the same. Right back at you. That myself and my partner, we both plan out our years and decide, are we doing professionally, what are we doing personally? We really communicate that. And something that I learned from him is that I do a lot of vision boarding. I like to visualize what I want for love lessons, what I want to teach people about love, what I want for abundance in my life, happiness financially, what I want for stability, what I want for my health. And then he said, where's your vision board for us? And I said, excuse a moi. He says, well, this is all, you know, all the different segments of your life that make you tick. But where's our segment? And I was like, oh, my gosh, here's me relationship guru, you know, and he's teaching me a thing or two. So, yeah, I think you're so right. Write down those dreams and write down both of your dreams, your collaborative dreams together, and, you know, get working on them and, you know, as a partnership, be in each other's corner. Love that. So earlier on in the show, we were talking about bounce backability and how to kind of, you know, build each other up rather than break each other down. And I know that you're a fan of teaching people about list building in positive things in your relationship. Can you tell us a bit about that what you mean when it comes to list building? Yeah. So you kind of like you've got. You're in a relationship and you've got, you know, one or both partners criticizing each other and, you know, breaking each other down. And then I watched in one of your YouTube videos that you talked a bit about list building, like, you know, coming back with all the positive things that they do. Can you teach us a bit about, you know, this love mapping and this list building and building each other up? Yes. Well, there's a psychologist, his name is Dr. John Gottman. It's actually a husband and wife team, Dr. John and Julie Swartz Gottman. And they've done this research and they found that they can repair relationships at. And so the first piece is connection. How do you bounce back? How do you get connected? And that's called love mapping. And love mapping is what you did. So I want couples listening right now to think about how you fell in love. When was your first date? You spent hours and hours and hours connecting and talking about your lives. And that's how you share. And so first thing you have to do is love map. And what that means is that 15 minutes a day Sarah calls, mark it off on their calendars, mark it off on their smartphones, and just spend that time connecting, sharing each other's world. That's how you map your way into your partner's heart and head. So no, no tv, no taking care of the kids while you're doing this. No multitasking. You're just focused on your partner and you're spending 15 minutes a day saying, tell me what's going on in your world? Hey, what is something that's exciting to you? What are the next things you want to pursue? And then here's the second thing. It's called rituals of connection. This is what we found from couples that are able to stand the test of time. They have rituals. They have a list of things that they do every day that they don't take for granted. For instance, there's a ritual around leave taking. That means before they leave the house, they give each other a kiss or they do something. There's a ritual around reunions. When they come back, they just don't come back. And one's upstairs and one downstairs. They reunify, they reunify, they talk, they connect, they kiss. Meal times, eating out. This is something that my wife and I do when the kids are down, we have an after dinny dinner, tea where we spend time, because we both love tea where we sit down we drink tea and we talk about. I'm gonna be honest, Sarah, you can laugh at me. The latest gossip of the day. We just talk about what's going on and. And we laugh and we. It's a way for us to connect, and then we'll get into deeper topics. But it's a way for us to have fun. There are rich bedtimes. I can't tell you how many couples argue about bedtime. There's one person that needs to get up early. The other person is a nighthawk. So that can really mess up sexual intimacy if you're not on the same time about when you're in your bedtime. And here's the biggest one thing that couples can do to reignite that spark or to take it to the next level, according to the research, is called celebrations of a triumph. That means that something that has gone well, whether you've lost five pounds, you hit your goal at work, mom has got a clean bill of help from the doctor. You've been worried about that. Birthdays, anniversaries, you celebrate your triumphs. According to the research, that is the number one thing that couples do that makes them feel highly connected. I love that. Absolutely. Celebrating all those little things along the way because, you know, it's that whole thing that life happens when you're making plans and, you know, you should really be in the moment. And I love that you and your wife, you sit and you have a cup of tea and you connect about something that might sound trivial, but you know what it is, is you're communicating. And I think it was really interesting and poignant what you were saying before about etching those 15 minutes out a day to. About your goals, you know, your plans, and maybe a bit of gossip just so you are forging communication with your partner. So I guess if you feel in that space where communication has broken down and you don't want to get into the heavy, deep topics of, you know, where am I at today? How do I feel today? What do I want for our marriage? Just start communicating about anything, I guess, at all. Just to get back into that space and that realm and be in the communication arena. And Dr. Tartt, you mentioned something before about intimacy and, you know, being in one being a nighthawk and one being an early bird catches the worm, so to speak. And I wanted to talk to you about this concept that we've heard a lot over in the UK about simmering and how intimacy can fall by the wayside between a couple because of a lack of simmering. Now, here in the uk, simmering is all over the press, and it's this whole concept that one or both partners are only ever physically, you know, in touch and tactile with their partner if they want to have sex. And for me, that's a real shame because the whole playfulness comes from flirting. And it's the odd, you know, the brush of. Of someone's hair or the touch or the kiss on the neck. And so talk to me about what you think about this concept of simmering and how people and couples can often forget to simmer. Oh, I mean, you're dead on it, Sarah. I'm so glad you asked me about this, because sex therapists are this new. Part of what's messing up our intimacy is that we're not having enough foreplay. We're not having enough foreplay because part of what gets our arousal and our desire at the highest is called positive anticipation. It's where we're anticipating things to come. It's like if I send a racy text to my wife in the morning, she's thinking about it all day. If I leave a note in her car saying, I'm thinking about you, I can't wait until tonight. It's positive anticipation. And that even happens even in the act of lovemaking. Psychologists are now saying that you should wait until you're a 7 out of a 10 as far as your own rating of your own arousal before you enter into the final act of lovemaking. So basically, you should have foreplay and touch each other. And they call it. Some of it is tantric, you know, where you're basically connecting each other with breath, breath, with looking at each other's eyes, connecting through the earlobes, touching each other's arms, just. Just being connected and getting your breathing. A lot of people said, man, why do I have to do all that? I'm gonna tell you why. Because it is going to men, it is going to raise your libido, and it's going to give you more staying power. Power. We'll leave it at that. And women, it's going to allow you to be able to feel more sensations. And so what we know is part of what's affecting our intimacy as couples is that we're not simmering for long enough. We see each other and then we just engage. And people are not having the best lovemaking. So slow down, take your time, simmer. And you will be thanking yourself over and over again. It's really interesting that you say, you know, we're not simmering for long enough, but for those couples that aren't simmering at all, it doesn't, you know, just have to be about, you know, this whole idea of tantric, if that scares you or you feel intimidated because you think that's just this kind of erotica that you've not yet read about or something. Simmering can even just be holding hands under the table secretly when you're out for dinner with another couple, friends or out with the family. Or it can be that playful smile across a room when you're at a family event and you perhaps maybe feel a bit overwhelmed and tired. Maybe you don't want to be there. And it's that knowing look with you and your partner that says, hey, I see you, I hear you. I know that we're on the same page. And it can just be a touch. It can be the way you look at each other and that gentle flirting that will lead into, I guess what Dr. Tartt's saying, somewhat longer simmering for a better sex life. Sarah, you're right on it. The research shows we're not touching each other enough. And we are pack animals. We respond to touch. We know that with babies you can feed them, you can give them water. Dr. But if you don't touch them. Yeah. We'll be right back and we'll get back to simmering. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan on Love Lessons Live. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. This is Women's radio station. You're listening to Avril Price with Kitchen Sink Spirituality. It's Anna Kennedy talking all things autism and my guest today is Karen no. Welcome to future Classical Women Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. I listen to women's radio station, Women's radio station. We want to hear from you women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Sue Openshaw, owner of Ferme de Ciel, the luxury ski chalet in San Jua in the Grand Massif, France. We are open for skiing from mid December to end of April and we're only one hour from Geneva, so perfect for short breaks or longer holidays. Single or multiple bookings. Contact us on fermdeciel.com or 077-331-0002 0. Hi, I'm Farrah Brown, founder of Femnisty. Femnisty is a platform dedicated to to women all around the world. 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For more information, visit womensradiostation.com Womens radio station. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, Head of Business development at Women's Radio Station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 07-956-371-4883 or alternately zm@womensradiostation.com hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Women's Radio Station. This is Love Lessons Live. I'm here with the wonderful Dr. Tartt. He is a relationship expert, an absolute dating guru in the media over in the USA and we have been talking about marriage grievances and creating bounce back ability so you can forge a greater connection and love life with your partner. So welcome back Dr. Tartt and thanks for having me. Sarah oh such a pleasure to have you. Something that I was thinking about just then in the ad break and I'm sure maybe some of the listeners might have touched on or thought about before because it resonated with something I've, you know, some things I've heard from my clients, some things I've heard from friends is that their partners are or they are spending a lot of time on social media and watching TV and doing things that are really, you know, displaced in connection for the relationship. So I wanted to talk to you about building positive habits, eradicating the negative and how you advise couples can go about that to create a greater space for that routine that we've been discussing to communicate. Yes, it's about, you know, A lot of it is just asking other couples what they do and then putting, putting things in place that keep you connected as a verb. So what I mean by that is we talked about the rituals earlier, but a lot of times we forget. We just simply forget that we're not dating. One spouse has to complain, we haven't been out. So I think it's about just doing the same thing you did to get your spouse consistently right. So being consistent and, you know, acting and communicating with care in that consistency. You know, there's so many people addicted to these, to these apps and social media and, you know, the whole television screen. Today we're binging on Netflix that it can become a bad habit that's hard to break. And so if you spot yourself and you can identify with that, then you need to look at yourself first. You need to communicate it with your partner and find ways to eradicate it so you can communicate and get yourself into a great routine, as Dr. Tartt has mentioned. So look, we've been talking about bounce back ability and creating a whole lot of love, all means of the word in your relationship. And I want to talk to you or ask you about how we can teach our kids and, you know, communicate with our children what makes for, you know, a good marriage and what would make a loving, lasting marriage. Can you tell me a bit about that and what your thoughts are of marriages with kids and what we should be teaching them? Oh, man. Well, first of all, remember, I want everyone to really tune into this. Your kids are deciding about whether they want to get married from watching you. They're watching you. They don't have access to anyone else's marriage. So the first thing you have to keep in the front of your mind is that my kids are watching how a husband takes care of a wife, how a wife takes care of a husband. So modeling, making sure that you are communicating. They see you having dinner together. They see you connecting. You know, even with social media, I'm not saying you can't do social media, but do it together. Talk about what you're watching on Netflix, push pause and say, what do you think is going to happen next? Connect. Your kids need to see you connecting. They also need to see you be able to resolve conflict. I know that sounds weird because a lot of people think that their kids should not see conflict and they should never see negative conflict because they're in the middle and they can't take a side. They're just being hurt. Mom is fighting dad. But. But when there's a small conflict like, who's picking up the kids. Being able to see a husband and wife be able to communicate without losing their temper is something that kids need to see. How not to interrupt, how to appreciate your partner before you state a complaint about how to take turns, about how to compromise. So when you do that, I think that's important. And I think finally we should talk to our kids just about the character. Where there are a lot of TV shows that are out, the kids are watching on their phones. It's so hard to be a parent right now. We really have to sit them down and talk to them about how to treat someone in a relationship, how to connect, how to communicate. Sarah we're having a huge crisis here in the United States. I think it's happening worldwide where kids are coming together and they don't know how to connect without their cell phones. And so it's not uncommon for a group of kids to sit in a circle in a house and all be on their phones. And so we have to teach them how to have a conversation, how to connect, how to actually deepen the conversation. Say, what do you mean by that? Or why do you love to paint? Why do you love to draw? So that they can have emotional and conversational intimacy as well. I absolutely do agree with you, and it's something that I've spoken with a lot of dating experts here on Love Lessons women's radio station about before because, you know, that transpires into early life dating. You know, if they feel that that's how they can communicate with their friends, they feel like that's how they can communicate when they find a partner. So before you get to that stage of marriage, if it's something that, you know, you are lucky enough to find and you find your person that, you know, the way the world is moving is that people want to meet their partners online today. And so there's this whole breakdown in communication because we built these pseudo relationships which we forget that we need to take offline and we need to forge real connection and real in life communication to be able to make that last. And I, you know, often trying to integrate new ways of advising people to take, you know, their lives offline, essentially, and live in the real world because essentially to make a marriage last, a relationship last, that is what you have, have to do. And so, you know, the thing is with kids today, the way they're communicating virtually is that they don't know how to overcome, you know, little problems, let alone large problems. Like, it's this idea that if it's Broke, replace it rather than it's broke, let's fix it. Right? I mean, that's something that we're seeing a lot over here. Well, we know that every relationship is going to go through ups and downs, but if you become masters of conflict resolution, masters in saying, we know how to repair, we know things are going to happen and that we're not going to quit the first time there's a problem, then you can have a relationship that stands the test of time, especially if you make the perfect adjustments. No one's perfect, but make the perfect adjustments as soon as you can so you can stay out the negative box and get right back into consistent, continuous love. Oh, that's amazing. Dr. Tartt, there's something that's just been on my mind this whole show. Okay. And I think I really wanted to talk to you about values and understanding your value system. So how can you teach the listeners to understand what their values are, and then they can go on to teach their kids what their values are? Because that's what makes a relationship last. Understanding what your values are, your partner's values are, and where those values meet in the middle. Because a lot of the time, people don't really know their values. So when they're meeting people in a dating relationship scenario, they're like, hey, that really got my go. And I don't know why they did that. And I don't know why he didn't open the door for me or I don't know why, you know, they didn't take the washing out of the washing machine and acknowledge that I'm really tired today. Like, you know, when we talk about values, what do you advise them to figure out? Well, one, you should all be improving your own character, because we know that there are things that are coming, coming at you. So one of the things that my wife and I do, we go to church on a regular basis, and so we talk about our values. And then early on, when we were dating, my wife says, you know, there's some things that are really important to me. I'm interested. I'm interested. Alderwon, what are your ideas on how a lady should be treated? And then I told her, and then she told me some things that she would like for me to add some things that she liked. And then I also got to say, these are some things that I have expectations for a girlfriend and then as a wife. And so I think it's okay for couples to have what's called a couples or a family meeting every 30 days and just sit down and talk about being in tune. However, your question was about when you first meet. I think it's important you let people know what your standards are up front because some people will just straight up tell you, I'm not going to do that. I don't believe in opening the doors for women. Okay, that's not the man for you. Some women will say, I don't believe in apologizing. I'll just let it go. No, that doesn't work for me. So I need to, we need to have conversations. And I think it is totally okay for you to say first date, fifth date, sixth date, when you really started getting serious with someone, hey, there's some ways in which I want to be treated. I just kind of want to run them by you to make sure we're on the same page. Absolutely Amazing. Thank you so much for that, Dr. Tartt. It's been such an incredible journey this hour, I guess for the listeners because we've talked about an awful lot in a short space of time and I really believe that anyone that's out there who is married, you met for a reason and you communicated effectively at one point and you can come back together. And I think you set your boundaries. And we were just talking a little bit then about meeting someone and managing your own expectations. And it's continuous boundary setting and expectation management really, all throughout dating, all throughout relationships and effectively marriage. So Dr. Ta, if you could give us a quick fire round of three takeaways of how to divorce proof your marriage, what would they be? One, focus on your friendship consistently and deeply. Number two, take communication conflict classes. Learn how to resolve conflict so that you can stay in the nasty box for as little as possible. And then number three, work as a team. You heard Sarah say it, we are trying to wing relationships, sit down and talk about how can we be a team, how can I support your life dreams and how you can support mine and then you're going to have a winning marriage. And of course, go to thewinningmarriageformula.com oh, amazing. And that's the thing, isn't it? When you get married and for those who are out there in long term relationships or even short relationships and they're completely just in love and they want to get married, you know, know you really have to think that this you are you married your best friend and if you're thinking about marriage, you're about to marry your best friend. And you know, something I've taken away from Dr. Tartt today is that you always have to be in each other's corner. You are friends first and foremost, you are lovers thereafter, and you are a married couple or soon to be or want to be married couple and that's why you're tuning in today. And I think Dr. Tartt has had or given us some amazing adv of how to kind of build each other up and not break each other down. And it's been such a wonderful experience. So thank you so much for joining us on the show today. Dr. Tartt. Sarah, thank you for your wonderful personality. So much fun. It's been so much fun. 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