Love Lessons – Understanding & Communication, An Interview With The Man Whisperer

Hello and welcome to Women's Radio station. This is Sarah Louise Ryan presenting Love Lessons. We have got a man in the studio today. Very exciting. The Man Whisperer. So welcome to Kenny Mamarella da Cruz. Did I say that right? Perfect. Thank you. Welcome. Thank you so much for being here. I am so happy to be here, especially on a special day like today. It's International Men's Day. Is it International Men's Day today? It's International Men's Day today. Oh, I love celebrating men and women, obviously. And you know what? That's the 8th of March, isn't it? International Women's Day? Yes. And it's been celebrated forever. But I think the International Men's Day thing is quite new for people to even notice. So to be here with you in the lap of the ladies, celebrating men, what could be better? I really love that. Thank you so much for sharing that. And quite ignorantly, I did not know it was International Men's Day. And you're very right. It's a conversation that we don't have so. So often. Yeah. Celebrating men. Yeah. What better way to do it? Thank you. Do you know, I'm not that surprised, because I would say the media are a lot more comfortable demonizing or making fools of men. And I guess maybe part of it is to disempower, to be safe, to just manage things, because women are scared of men, men are scared of men. People are scared of anger. People are scared of their own power. And more than that, I would say people are scared of their own potency or even the depth of love that they can reach. What could be scarier than that? And what would happen if we'd all stopped being so fearful of all of those things? I think there would be one big ball of love rolling around the planet. That's the dream. It's the dream on Love Lessons. And do you know what? It's also, I would say it's all about vulnerability. And I don't know anyone who doesn't protect themselves from love because of the pain that they felt in the past. So it's. Well, I'm not gonna open myself to that pain again. So I need to slowly and slowly open up, take a step, see if I can trust. And then beyond that is, maybe I'll test him or maybe I'll test her. And if he or she passes this test, then it's safe for me to open up a little bit more. So it's not wrong to be scared of love, but I'd say it's something to definitely Delicately move into with awareness and with boundaries. So it's a journey. It's a life's journey. And I would say the journey, quite simply is from fear to love. I think what you just said was so interesting about, you know, we haven't even introduced you properly, but totally all in on this. And it's so interesting what you've got to say about, you know, accepting the past and the pain that has come from past relationships or romantic scenarios. But if we were able to, as human beings, not gender specific, just as human beings, be more vulnerable, then we would open the gates to so much romantic potential rather than creating these, as you say, tests and games and things in our mind for the romantic potential to pass or fail. So it's kind of justifiable in our mind why something did or did not work out. Yeah. But before we get into all of that good stuff, I want to introduce you properly and say that Kenny the man whisperer is a personal development coach for men, Helping men to understand their past, to transform their future. Would that be fair to say? Spot on. And it all happens in the present. How exciting. How exciting. So I've been having a good look around the interweb to find out who you are, what you do, and how you help men transform lives. And something that I came across was quite interesting that, you know, you help men personally and professionally. You help them in their dating, romantic scenarios, in relationships. And something that I thought was nice and refreshing to see, you helped them along the way with social dynamics, because I think we could all do with, you know, a little bit of an insight into that, into communication skills. There's no way that we all couldn't better our communication. Yeah. And I thought the fact that that is, you know, dubbed on, on your website as, you know, transforming social dynamics, I thought that was fantastic. Oh, it's key. It is so absolutely key. And there are some very simple basic principles to bear in mind. And then it all magically fits together. And I would say that one of them is earlier on, before coming on the show, we were talking about boys and men and that as a little boy, I had to suddenly quickly grow up and be a man, take care of situations because things were dangerous. So I became a little boy pretending to be a man and doing a relatively good job. And as a little boy pretending to be a man, I was also emotionally aware and sensitive of mainly the needs of others. My mother, my aunt, my grandmother, my little brother, et cetera, et cetera. So I was a very, very good survival act, taking care of other people. And it was only in my 30s that I thought, wait a minute, everyone has bought this and this works, But. But this kind of leaves me cold because inside there's a man that needed some space and there wasn't space for him because there was a boy pretending to be a man and doing a good job. So what I find with so many men, and I guess a lot of my men have been to boarding school, if they haven't been to boarding school, who hasn't had a traumatic experience in their childhood? It's just normal. And that's generally when the protector shows up in their life and the protecting part of them keeps them safe and keeps them from harm. And what very often happens is the protector will almost own this person, own this child, and keep it safe, and in effect, keep him a child. So how many women have I heard said, well, I thought I was marrying a man, or I thought I was committing to a relationship with a man, but after a while he turned into a little boy, and I feel like I've got a child. And for me, what often happens there is the man's little boy from inside of him is offered to the woman unconsciously to say, make me safe, be my mummy. Where until that individual knows the man in him, then that man can take care of the little boy in him and the man can meet the woman rather than going into the little boy mummy dynamic. And it works both ways, obviously. So there's so many things that I picked up in just that little nugget of information that I really want to touch upon, and the conversation could go in so many different directions. One thing that I was thinking as you were talking about sensitivity is that often traditionalist women could deem sensitivity as a withdrawal from strength, whereas I see sensitivity and I'm sure, you know, a percentage of women too, and men. So sensitivity as vulnerability, which is strength. Absolutely. So you know what you were saying about protecting and, you know, a little boy being sensitive. One thing I wanted to ask you is, is it innate in a man to be a protector? Or when you were saying the protective part of that person showed up, were you referring to the human race in general or. Or specifically gender, you know, traits? Yeah. Do you know, I would say that this is because I do work with quite a lot of women. I'm known for my work with men because not a lot of people, I believe, I understand, get results with men. So that's how I made my name there. But it's nothing to do with gender. And also when we look at men and women, what we're really looking at is individuals and their masculine aspects and their feminine aspects. Because some relationships that I've worked with, they've quite simply needed permission for the woman to have the masculine traits that are naturally her and for the man to have the feminine traits that are naturally his. So they can just flow and allow themselves and the relationships to just find balance and work rather than this is how I should be and this is what I should do. And these are the dramas that we should be having because that's what I saw on tv. That leaves no space for who they really are. And for me, intimacy is exactly as you say, the vulnerability, which is where the power comes from. Otherwise it's a survival game and it's easy to keep attracting stuff to survive. That's what the protector will do. I will keep you safe. I will attract things that I need to keep you safe from and you will not grow any bigger and in love or in passion or in any way because I don't know how to protect that. So I'll protect you from life until there's space for the man to show up. Interesting. So you were just saying about when the man meets the man meets the woman and rather than the boy meeting the woman. Yeah. So that at that point we find our equal in terms of communication style perhaps. Yeah. And a whole lot more. A whole lot more. Because you know, there are certain things that exercises that men and women can do to attract their ideal partner from writing a list of who they want and what they want or what they don't want. But generally you write them in the positive and then you could take it into something a bit deeper day to day life. But the key is everything on that list that I want from someone else, I need to be, not attract someone else to do for me. So if I wish to attract the woman of my dreams, then I need to be the man who that woman would want to be with. How exciting. So just after the break, we are going to get right into in to dating, attracting the right person. I'm here Sarah Louise Ryan on women's radio station with the wonderful the man whisperer, Kenny d'. Cruz. And we'll be right back. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. This is women's radio station. You're listening to Adriel Price with kitchen sink spirituality. It's Anna Kennedy talking all things autism. And my guest today is Karen no. Welcome to future classical woman awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's Radio station. I listen to women's radio station. Women's radio station. We want to hear from you women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, my name is Katie Young Gerald and I'm the founder of Bespoke Textiles and author of best selling book the Textile Touch. I've been working in luxury fashion and textiles for over 25 years and I help brands design luxury bespoke uniforms to high end limited edition collections. We've been doing this for clients such as the Ivy Collection to Royal Households and we do it inside of a sustainable supply chain that saves waste. You can find us on bespoketextiles.co.uk. hi, my name is Julia Sturland. I'm a figurative painter in oil and watercolour. Please Visit my website juliasturland.com J U L I A S T E R L A N D or phone or text 079-865-6355 hi, I'm Valentina Barbachi and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. We're a registered charity operating in Sierra Leone and the Democratic Republic of Congo and we produce and share podcasts via Bluetooth on mobile phones focusing specifically on women and girls excluded from information due to extreme poverty. We empower those living in rural areas with media that transforms how they access, own and share information. To find out more and be part of this movement, come check out our website@media mattersforwomen.org Women's radio station is a not for profit, community interest company. Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. Hi, I'm Zena Moscone, Head of Business Development at Women's Radio station. Radio advertising is the most cost effective way of reaching a huge audience globally. Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomensradiostation.com. Welcome back to Women's Radio Station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan here on Love Lessons. I am here with the Man Whisperer. Welcome back. Thank you. So just before the break, we were talking about writing that checklist and attracting the right partner and you were saying something very poignant about having to be what's on that checklist in order to attract it. Tell Us more about that. Well, so many people write a list of what they're not and they want someone else to be that for them. Or they write a list of, this is my fantasy life. But I'm not going to get out of control. I'm not going to change. I want this perfect person. Otherwise it's not good enough. Where for me it's like, well, your partner is not your shadow, surely. I mean, there's the dark shadow and there's the golden shadow. The dark stuff's the stuff that we might not want. The golden stuff is the stuff that we want, but we might not have. So give energy to what you want to grow. You want to live a life of love and fun and connection, et cetera, et cetera, then be that and put that frequency out in the world with your own consolidated flavor and see what you attract from there. You really hit the nail on the head for me just then because sometimes most mornings I create a mantra that goes with me through that day, and I try and be as positive as I can. My mantra this morning was, well, where attention goes, energy flows. Spot on. And you were just saying pretty much the same thing. So can you give me, because I would like to share with you an example, something that someone might put on their list, which can be like a bit of a blocker to attracting the right partner. Something that doesn't need to be on the list. Well, I mean, there's the usual nonsense about good sense of humor and stuff like that. There's marketing. I mean, what does that mean? Because we all have different senses of humor. And what I love about the British sense of humor is people fall on the floor laughing when something is named. That's taboo. So where is your edge? Because I believe that I come alive. Everyone comes alive at the edge. And if I have an issue with something and I refer to it as a joke, then that's an in joke. And if someone I'm dating gets that, it's, ah, I have been met. Rather than folding your arms, sitting back and saying, you want me? Well, make me laugh. You've made me laugh. Okay, now try this barrier or this test. And it's like, what? Do you want a relationship? Or do you want to prove that there's no one good enough so you can retain control and never need to be vulnerable or in pain again? And for me, it's like, take the risk. Better to have loved and lost. Better to have come alive in love. And it's not all about feeling good. I have learned my biggest best Lessons through pain. Pain needs to pass. Love needs to pass. Laughter needs to pass. Wind under the sheets. Need to pass. Am I allowed to say that? Well, you know, it's funny, when you were just talking, I was thinking pain. Speaking of. It's like. It does pull you back. It pulls you inward for reflection, but it's like an elastic band where it pulls you back to spring forward. And you spring far further forward than you would if you were stagnant and staying and fixed. You're learning from the lessons. And if you, I believe, enter into a relationship or a dating scenario and you're constantly worried about failure. Yeah. You know, dubbing it as failure. Yeah. Things that aren't gonna work out because people aren't passing those tests that you're creating for them will just fail faster. Keep failing, Keep failing faster until you find the right person. Yeah. Be. Don't be scared to fail. But, you know, there's another thing here. And my favorite addiction in life is playing Columbo. So I look for clues in anything and everything and everyone. It's always telling me something, and it's up to me to be aware in the moment and to spot it. And it's as simple as that. So if there is a pattern that I fail as soon as so and so happens, as soon as we're getting close and we talk about moving together, or as soon as one thing that happens with a reasonable amount of sensitive men that I've worked with is love is wonderful and it's romantic and everything's great. And then suddenly, at some stage, they get spooked, it gets a little bit too close, and something in their history or in their psyche says, there's not enough air for me. I'm being suffocated. I'm feeling trapped. Now it would be normal for the couple to think there's something not right with us. Nine times out of ten, it's got nothing to do with what's at play in front of the couple. It's take a breath, follow the feeling back to the scene of the crime or to where the pause button went down. And there will be something there. And it might be that. I don't know, maybe the boy was ill in bed and his mother over smothered him, and it reminds him of that and being helpless. Maybe sh. Maybe it could be anything. But follow the feeling to what's really triggered, what's really being triggered. And that's what needs healing or accepting or even just naming and acknowledging rather than, this is about the relationship. It's Very rarely about the relationship. And it's the same with anger, I'd say. It's very rare that people are angry for the reason they think they're angry. They follow the feeling back. Because I feel that I'm greedy, I always want more out of life. And because I always want more, I demand that life brings up whatever it is gonna bring up to say, release me. And then you have access to more. And then I enjoy them more. I live into the more as if it's normal, as if I've always had it. And then I want more energetic. So would you say that living in the present, being very present on each date in each romantic scenario, and being so consciously aware, being awake to the fact that something may have upset you or something may have made you feel out of your comfort zone, or that this isn't, as you said, 80% of the time, feeling quite right. If you're in a. In a scenario that isn't suiting you, that it could be because of a trigger, and you have to delve deeper within yourself to think, when did we pause? When did it feel like we paused? And why? What can I relate that moment to? To look back into the past in order to move forward into your future. I think it's really interesting what you're saying, and it really reminds me of another episode we had on love lessons with the cognitive behavioral therapist Georgia Gold. And we talked about anxiety in dating and how to spot those triggers. So I think lad or gents, listening in, if there is anything that Kenny is saying here that really resonates with you, really check in on yourself with, you know, are things, you know, reflecting, recurring back in relationships and dating, Are you getting the same results because you're following the same behavioral pattern and not doing anything differently? And if so, have a listen to Georgia Gold's overcoming anxiety and then jump back in to what Kenny and I are going to talk about next. Y. The key is exactly what you said there. It's follow the feeling back. It's not think about it and work it out. And I would say one of the biggest mistakes that men, women, boys, girls do is jump out of the moment and into the head especially. It's a very male trait to fix things. And rather than being present, grounded, with an open heart, it's rush in, rush up, think about it, fix it, and then everyone wonders what's going on, what went wrong. But no, it's not about thinking it through. It's not about fixing it. It's not about finding reasons why and justifying feel it through, breathe it through and live beyond it. So if we refer to specifically online dating today, because there are so many different ways that you can meet a potential partner, you know, the dating industry is V and it's quite confusing. It can be a bit of a minefield. So I want to go through like a list of things that I had in mind to ask you. Great. First of all, do you believe that men are massively misunderstood in online dating today? I think in my perspective as a dating industry expert, I often hear a lot of conversations giving men a bad rep online. Totally. So what do you think about men online? Are they misunderstood and how can we understand them better? I would say misunderstood, misjudged and probably feared. Right. And that is quite normal. Self preservation. But going in protecting and already having made your mind up about this other person doesn't give anyone much of a chance. That's not to say trust every man. This is about be present and take it step by step and let it flow naturally. Men are very often put in the position of power whether they like it or not. And then they are very often fought for the power or toppled for the power that they didn't necessarily ask for in the first place, which is very old fashioned. Not always, but it happens very often. Meanwhile, a man, same as a woman, wants to be met and see if this feels right. Now, I think what's really important here is to be clear what I mean by man. For me, a man is someone who is able to respond rather than react, able to connect and grow rather than disconnect and put on a good show and able to include the feminine in him rather than prove that he's all men and, you know, one of the boys. So if you want a boy, if you want some sort of a gigolo heartthrob, then you're probably going to get a boy and you're probably going to be reliving whatever happened in school or didn't happen in uni. So you want a man, be a woman, you want a boy. And there's nothing wrong with a motherly woman who wants a man child if that's their thing. And it works for both of them, who's to say no? Kenny, it sounds to me that it's all about communication. Clear, concise communication and also following those feelings back. I think we are gonna have a very interesting conversation about comms in marriage in a mom. I am Sarah Louise Ryan. I'm here listening and interviewing and chatting with the man whisperer. And we're here on Love Lessons at Women's Radio Station and we'll be back. Women's Radio Station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity. From opinions, care, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. 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If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately zmomensradiostation.com. Welcome back to women's radio station. Sarah Louise Ryan here with the wonderful Man Whisperer. I am here presenting Love Lessons. And we just in the ad break were very naughtily talking and it got very interesting about marriage and about beauty and communication. Kenny, can you just tell the listeners what you were saying about your wife? I actually. I teared up without realizing it. Well, I think you asked me about if men are visual. Yes. And I said that, yeah, definitely. Men are initially visual. They need to see something in order to have a relationship with it. That doesn't mean that's good or bad, but that's the initial thing. And then what? I've been with my wife for 15, 16 years, and what I said is, every now and again I catch her. I take a step back, maybe she's washing up or writing something or thinking, and I just catch her and I see her face and I see the way she looks and I see how beautiful she is. Just kind of lost in her own world. Usually I don't see that. Usually I see her eyes. Usually. Now I'm getting emotional. I know when I can see that and all I see is love. Like that is love. How long have you and your wife been married? Oh, only about four years. She asked me on the 29th of Nove of February. She asked you? Well, I asked her if she wanted me to ask her. And she said, don't embarrass yourself because it's going. You know, we're both not the marrying type and neither of us really knew marriages that worked, that we wanted to be like, I want to meet your. Why? She sounds fantastic. She is fantastic. And she gets a bit of a tough time because. Because we're in love. And that's not easy for other people to be around, it seems. And you said your wife's Italian, Is that right? Yeah, yeah. And you took her name, is that right? We joined names, so we weren't sure. My family name is D. Cruz, which is a Portuguese name. Her family name's Marmorella, which is an Italian name. So should she be D. Cruz? And we even went to should I be Marmorella? You know, not attached. And then we thought, well, we weren't going to get married because we didn't want a marriage relationship because we didn't see one that worked. But now we're married. We didn't want our relationship to follow my family script or my wife's family script. Not because there's anything particularly bad, but it didn't feel like it Left room for us to explore who we are and to grow in love and fear and adventure on our pathways together. So we thought, well, if we put them together, then this belongs to us. This is our house. This is our frequency. And it's not like we are enmeshed. I think the reason that our relationship works is she lives her life on her pathway with her growth, and I live mine, and we love to be together. When I go to the forest with my friends, she can moan a little bit. It's like, you know. But then she says to my friends when they say, come along, she says, well, actually, I love that he leaves me and you take him with the men in the forest just to get grounded and talk and do your man thing. And I know that I get him back better. It sounds to me that you and your wife met as equals. You know, we were talking before about a man meeting a woman and being a man just as much as she's being a woman, per se. And you have met on a frequency where you have really leveled out a playing field that works for the two of you. You said something. A couple of things really interesting just then for me, and I'm sure for the listeners that, A, you didn't have. Sorry to take your words out of your mouth and probably, you know, misquote you, but it sounds to me like you didn't have peers with a perfect per se marriage or a marriage to look up to that you deem to be successful. Yeah. And, you know, B, that you have made a marriage and she asked you as she wanted, and you have made a marriage that works for you. And it's just. I can't describe what I'm feeling. I'm definitely very emotional, which is not my norm. It sounds to me like you have created a bubble for the two of you in a strange way. Yes. In another way, quite the opposite. Because at the moment that we got married and at every moment since, it has been right here and right now, I intend to be with you for the rest of my life. Pure choice. Pure love. That's not. You will never leave me. We are enmeshed and codependent. This is perfect as it is. Don't ever change. It's quite the opposite. We go through love and we go through fear and we go through pain and we go through everything there is to go through individually and as a couple. But we know ourselves as individuals who can meet as a couple, and that's why it works. There is space for me to exist in my life. There is space for her to exist in her life and for us to grow and for us to have the relationship almost as a bonus. I don't think either of us believes in relationships that save people or that make things better. And if they exist, it's not our intention to live that way. One thing I wanted to ask is, when did you and your wife decide, okay, marriage is for us? Because having seen so many marriages not quite work out or be what you wanted for yourself, in reflection, what was it and when was it that you two said, okay, let's do this? I know exactly the moment because she told me. Tell me. So my wife and I lived opposite Epping Forest, and a couple friends of ours came to see us. And we were at a certain favorite place in the forest and it was a hot day and we were lying in the sun near the pond and I think she was using my head as her pillow or something, and it was just hanging out and lovely. And at some stage, my best friend knew where we were and he showed up. So we went for our little walk in the countryside and to have our adventures in nature. And she went back and she said, as we split, as I walked off with my friend Shandor and she walked with the other couple down towards our house, something inside us said, it's right to get married. And that was the moment. And that was probably June, July. She waited until the 29th of February, which is the day that women ask men. I think it's an old Irish tradition, the leap year. Yeah, exactly. And she took me away, she didn't tell me where. And my only disappointment was I didn't need my trunks, it was Bruges. And she baked a gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, heart shaped cake with a ring in the middle of it and took it to Bruges. And we didn't. She didn't get the chance to ask me to marry her at the meal as planned, because we had the worst meal ever and it just didn't work out that way. Meanwhile, time is ticking. Time is ticking. But in that meal, there was one thing that needed to shift to make the path clear for it to be a yes. So by the time we got back to the hotel, barely speaking, and she produced the cake and I found the pillbox with the ring in the middle of was a yes, because something shifted. It was just right. And we were both dedicated to true lives. Not true love to save our lives, but true lives. So with us being that clear as individuals, how could we not attract the perfect partner that way? It Just works. And I did write my checklist and I did do whatever I needed to do, but that's logical. This is emotional, it's almost spiritual. It's certainly magical. Oh, beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I want to jump right into a quick fire round about marriage. So as you were saying earlier, you hadn't seen that many great marriages, so you weren't so sure whether it was for you. I can, you know, testify the same. And I want to ask you, what are the three, if you could, major grievances in marriage? He's not listening. He's not listening is a huge misunderstanding. Because generally when she debriefs something he thinks, or the scared boy in him thinks, she's telling me because she's in pain and she wants me to fix it. So if I fix it, then she's happy and I've done my job. Meanwhile, she just needs him to quietly listen and he can't deal with the pain. Number two is in order for both parties to know that they've been heard. That's where reflective listening should come in. Where if he says blah, blah, blah, she could say, did you just. I want to make sure that I heard this properly. Did you just say this, this and this? Mirroring it back exactly, but word for word. So there isn't talking over each other and he never listens. But you actually can connect and meet in that place. I think that's really interesting because you're also reiterating and not misinterpreting something that has been said. Exactly. And the second guessing is a killer in most relationships. And that comes from the past. It's got nothing to do with the present. The third one just crossed my mind. I don't think I've ever said this before. Is about touch. It's so sad how touch can be sexualized only. Does that mean it's not safe to hold hands or to be friends? Does every touch mean now I need to perform or now I'm under attack or now something or other? It's so safe and so nurturing. And so the number of men I have worked with, rich, famous models, those types where everyone wants them and they just think, well, I had to go through this and I had to have sex with her. And all I wanted really was for us to hold and be tender at the end of it. Love that. Thank you so much. Quick one, tell me, how can a couple inject fun into their relationship if they feel like they're lacking winga ringa roses? At the drop of a hat. At the drop of A hat. Say right at the count of three, we're gonna do Ringer Ringa Roses. And you get up and you hold hands and you fall down. When it's time for a tissue, a tissue, we all fall down. Break the spell of being in your head and play. Be fun, play, be playful. Yeah. We'll be right back on Love Lessons. Welcome to Women's Radio Station, the voice of women worldwide. This is Women's Radio Station. You're listening to Avril Price with Kitchen Sink Spirituality. It's Anna Kennedy talking all things autism and my guest today is Karen no. Welcome to future Classical Woman Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on Women's Radio station. I listen to women's radio Radio station. Women's radio station. We want to hear from you women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, my name is Katie Young Gerald and I'm the founder of Bespoke Textiles and author of best selling book the Textile Touch. I've been working in luxury fashion and textiles for over 25 years and I help brands design luxury bespoke uniforms to high end limited edition collections. We've been doing this for clients such as the Ivy collection to Royal households and we do it inside of a sustainable supply chain that saves waste. You can find us on bespoketextiles.co.uk. hi, my name is Julia Sturland. I'm a figurative painter in oil and watercolour. Please visit my website juliasturland. J U L I A S T E R L A N D or phone or text 079-865-63552 hi, I'm Valentina Barbacci and I'm the Executive Director of Media Matters for Women. 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Moreover, our sponsorship and advertising packages can be tailored to your needs, whether it be a product or brand service you're looking to promote. If you are interested in sponsoring or advertising, please contact me on 079-563-71483 or alternately, zmomensradiostation.com welcome back to women's radio station. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan here presenting Love Lessons. And I have got the wonderful man whisperer Kenny with me. Welcome back. It's been so much fun. I can't wait to get stuck in again. I want to have you back every day. This is so fun. What a great thing to do and a great person to have on an international men's day. Couldn't believe it. Yeah. Yeah. So I really want to talk about one of the most exciting aspects of what you do for me because I think you're helping more than one person at a time in a room. Or are you doing it on a online as well, or the Men Flirt. Menfloat. Sorry. Yes. I haven't done it yet. Online. A webinar or something. Yeah. Going to. Just been too busy to be honest. Crazy, crazy busy at the moment. Good problem to have. Yeah, isn't it? If I have this right, men flirt is about expression. It's about body language. It's about authenticity. Is that right? That's the bottom line, authenticity. Sadly, I find in the dating game, most people do the who am I supposed to be? What do they expect? Which is am I? And it's handing power over to others to judge rather than who am I? And how do I let that light of who I really am twinkle through my eye irresistibly? And that's where it's at. And that's where people know that's the right one for me. It's not. Great outfit, great hair. Da, da, da, da da. It's not about the packaging. I mean, sure, that helps. But the bottom line is there's a feeling here. There's a connection here. There's a twinkle in the eye. So it's called men flirt. But it's absolutely nothing to do with flirting, and it's absolutely everything to do with being authentic, being connected with yourself and letting that come through. So instead of entering the. So you might enter the event asking yourself, am I this? Am I that? Do you know? Sadly, it's more what's wrong with me? Oh, gosh. And I would say most of my clients, male and female, men's groups, women's groups, it's what's wrong with me. Why am I attracting the wrong person? Why am I going on these terrible dates? Exactly. Am I this, am I that? What's wrong with me? How do I do me right? So when they leave your event, would I be right in saying that? They come out saying, I am this. Totally, totally, I am that. The most powerful part, it's not so much how do I do me right, but they know who they are and their being beams through their eyes. The most powerful part is in 10 minutes, they are filmed on their own phone. I have a conversation with them and then we stop the conversation quite early on and they gain some feedback on their tone, their voice, where they're coming from, inside posture. It could be simple things like neck too far back as if you're dodging a bullet, or speaking from the side of your mouth quickly as if someone's going to butt in, or bulging eyes, because it's like, well, I was told that if I make eye contact and connection, then it's sexy. No, you just look like a creep. But how many people would even tell their best friends, look, you're being a bit scary, you're acting a bit weird, or, you know, and people might not even know. And the feedback's not just from me, it's from the others in the room, but watching that back, because people can see themselves and they can feel where they were coming from inside their bodies, inside their feelings. My interpretation of who you are and what you do in this space of helping men and women, I guess, is that you are an expert in communication. You understand communication, you dissect communication, you help people to communicate better. It's a little bigger than that. I mean, that is spot on. It's also, I know I allow them to uncover who they really are and allow them to live into that. Beyond the survival, beyond the small, beyond the appropriate, beyond the sales pitch. It's who they really are because they that is irresistible. Everyone can see through an act. Most people collude with an act because it's all they can get. But when someone shows up, and I would say again, in relationships, if the couple can do adult, adult, child, child, adult, child and child, adult, all four, you're onto a winner. If it's only one and you're stuck with adult child or just children together, then where's it going to go? Unless that's where they're happy and they're not going to take it any further because that's safe. That's where they wish to be stuck, but it needs to flow. And I have a very Scared. And also a very creative and also a very playful little boy in me. I have a very able, a very cheeky, a very dynamic man in me. I have all of them. It's just which one is right in this moment rather than this is my winning blag personality that sees me through everything. So I would say that it sounds like communication. It also sounds like understanding. Understanding your partner, the people you're dating, understanding yourself. That's the one. Self awareness. Self awareness. Tuning in with your feelings, your actions, your triggers. Yeah, Very exciting indeed. Something that when I was looking at your event, Men Flirt, is I spotted something that said the place inside of you that makes you irresistible. And you just touched on that. Yeah. So what is that place inside of you or us that makes us irresistible? No one can be me better than me. That's not to say that I'm being me because when I was younger and a lot less aware, I was doing me and it was another act. So it's all about coming from an authentic being, from alignment, coming from my heart, coming from being grounded, coming from being present and connected. So be me. Another thing. What is the difference between flirting with anyone and being the flirt? Generally flirting with people, I would say involves second guessing, trickery, cheap lines, some sort of manipulation. And it could be out to get a fix, to fill a hole. And usually it's an emotional hole, something that's empty, that needs to feel okay for a while. Where being the flirt, it's not trickery, it's vulnerable, it's powerful. It's not about am I going to be accepted, am I going to be rejected, am I safe? It's more I am here with an open heart. Now, who's attracted to this? If anyone, Because I'm being the party. If you could give me a quick fire example of a manipulation for yourself or for your date to fill that emotional hole, could you give us an example of what you mean? So I. Let's have a look. I guess it's been so long since I've been dating, but generally it's anyone with the lines, the cheap lines that might, you know, there are pickup artists, there are, there's nlp, NEO linguistic programming, where it's not coming from the heart and it's not playful and honest. It's more coming from the head that if I ignore the girl that I like but give attention to her friend, then she'll feel left out and she'll give me more attention than if I give her a little attention and maybe I touch her arm, then I Withdraw a bit, then she's hooked in and then I know that she's chasing me. And you know, it's like, what is this? Oh, gosh, it makes me so frustrated. It's disgusting. These books, these books that are out there for men who are lacking in communication skills and understanding of themselves that are kind of a. Here is me and I'm gonna be your wing guy. Woman in a book, tell you all the tricks of the trade to bag a match or a match for the night. And yeah, that is not teaching long term stability in a relationship. Communication skills, understanding of oneself. Yeah, and it frustrates the heck out of me. That's for kids in the disco. Now, can you give me a couple of examples of body language for women out there that a man that she's on a date with might be into her? What's she looking for? Because you talk about body language and you know that on your men flirt events you're teaching about body language, how to interpret it, how to give all the right signs if you're into somebody. I guess. So what are us women looking for if we're on a date with a guy? How do I know he's into me? I would say if it's crumpled up and protecting the heart and, you know, all down and playing small, then it's scared. It's protecting and it's a little boy that needs to feel safe. If it's a little bit too wide open, arms in the air, maybe feet a little apart with thrusting hips, then it's like, no, this one's on heat and he needs to prove something. Meanwhile, there's probably not a lot of depth there. But if the guy is standing at an angle that's not side by side and it's not face to face confrontational, but it's at a comfortable angle where you're sharing a space. You're in a space together, and it's soft and it's gentle and it's not too in and not too out. But you just, you know, it's not so much the language, it's the feel, it's the space that you're sharing. Then you are somewhere that you could both choose where you wish to take, but there's no rush to take it anyway. Be in that space. Kenny, what does authenticity mean to you? Authenticity has got to be coming from my heart rather than coming from my head or my fear or my fantasies or surviving past failings. It's coming from my heart without knowing what's going to happen or what I'm gonna say or do. Kenny, the work that you do is really essential today because one thing we're lacking in a world that's online, socially, singularly or, you know, whatever, is communication skills, understanding, flirting, understanding how to flirt, understanding how to communicate your happiness, your sadness, your sensitivities, your authenticity, vulnerability. Where can people find you and where can they work with you? So themanwhisperer.co.uk for my private work for men's groups, it's mensgroups.co.uk and I actually train women as well as men to hold the space for men's groups as well as women's groups. Women run their own groups. I used to run women's groups so that's the easiest way online and then just drop me an email. I run groups, I see private clients, I do Skype and I will commute. I'll only work with people who are ready to turn it around. I don't do the long haul. Do you think that you can help women understand men better? Absolutely. Thank you so much to Kenny the man whisperer. Coming on women's radio station Women's Radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalised service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back to. I work with luxury tour operators. 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