Love Lessons LIVE SHOW – April Kirkwood, Working Your Way Back To You

Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome to Love Lessons. We're here on Women's Radio show where we're going to be talking about everything from dating, relationships, breakups and divorce to starting all over again as a single. Today we've got a very special guest, the wonderful April Kirkwood, a us based love counselor, the counselor of love who is going to be teaching us all about working your way back to you, rediscovering yourself and gaining the confidence to get yourself back out there and hopefully meet someone if that's what you so choose. So welcome. April. Hello. Hello. Across the pond. It's wonderful to be here, Sarah, and I just adore you. It's so exciting to have you on the air. You know, about to teach women how to be the best version of themselves when they're kind of feeling that their path has taken a different direction, a direction that they perhaps weren't expecting. Because as you know, April, we're in the midst of a breakup season, unfortunately, and it's been a topic of conversation with a lot of our guests at Love Lessons this month. So one thing that really struck me about you is how you really get into the nitty gritty of helping people understand themselves and really gain the confidence and the courage to be the best version of themselves in order to get out there and attract love. So, April, tell me a little bit about you. And so the audience and the listeners in know who you are and how you're going to help. Well, that's a big, big order. My name is April Kirkwood. As you know, I have two masters in both certified mental health counseling and school counseling. I also am a licensed therapist and I have dedicated my entire life to finding out what I've done wrong in love and how I can help others. So I definitely come from a place of personal heartache. And I realized for me personally, it came a lot from my own childhood trauma and the messages subliminally and as well as conscious messages I heard that I took through my life, that I kind of sabotaged my own success in romance. It wasn't always the jerks that I picked, but it was why did I pick them? Wow. And so you were going on this journey of understanding what, why were you attracting those people or why were they attracted to you and why were you selecting them and as you say, self sabotaging. Can you tell us a little bit more about that? I guess, yes. We are so much more than we seem on the outside. In fact, I think there's a lot of us out There still little children inside walking around in these big bodies, doing things, saying things, feeling things that we're not even clear about ourselves. I suggest my motto is make it your life's mission to know yourself. And the more you know yourself, the more you can make good judgment calls cognitively. Because we do so much like, oh, he's so hot, or she, oh, I'm really into her. I don't know why. We need to know why, because these passions, which are wonderful in the moment, can lead us to very dark places. And then we wind up 2, 3, 4, 10 years later going, what was I thinking? The real answer to that was, we weren't thinking. And I love the cliche is my head is above my heart for a reason. And I will never take discount the effect of the heart and how much it means to me. But if you are in a good place of mental well being, of self esteem, of nurturing yourself, the energies will change within you and you will call unto you what you are. So it's important. My lesson of anything is I've made a series of mistakes like many other men and women. And I got to the place where I started to scratch my head and go, why am I so miserable? Why am I a mess? And people would say, april, you know, you're attractive, you're educated, you have a good job. Why do you do these things to yourself? And it got to the point where I was just breaking down inside. And I always say I had three choices. I could kill myself, I could continue this fake path, or I could do the work and I decided to put on my big girl panties and do whatever it took to find my way back, at least to an understanding. Wow, I really, I really, really enjoyed everything that you were saying about that, no matter how hard it is to hear, I guess especially for people listening in that have been through that, you know, that reflect collective turmoil of why were we attracting the wrong people? And there was something really special that you were saying a little bit there about learning your lessons, because we just didn't know we weren't thinking. And there is a little quote that I love. Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know now what seems so obvious in hindsight. And that is something that I really, I reiterate to myself when you, you know, I reflect back on a situation, maybe a romantic situation, from a year or two years ago, you know, before I met my now partner, and you're just like, oh, gosh, you know why? I teach about love and relationships and deepening and finding connection and yet sometimes you can't see yourself for yourself, the best thing. And hindsight is a real treat for that. So. So, April, a couple of things. Like, in this segment, I really want to kind of get to grips with starting over again because there are so many women, I guess, listening in who are finding themselves newly single at this time of year. You know, it's divorce season. We've just gone through National Divorce Day. What would you say are like a couple of things that can help people to work their way back to themselves right now who are listening in, who are really struggling to, you know, accept their new single status. First of all, be kind to yourself, get rid of the guilt, or just set it aside for right now. I don't want you to take big leaps. Let's think about this. It took you maybe years to find this person. You've committed a lot in energy and time and life. Years. And it's okay to be sad. Grief is a part of healing. It took me, me, almost four decades to get over my issue with a celebrity that I had an affair with for years, off and on. But when I decided to be kind to myself, and there were moments when I cried and I stayed in bed and I disregarded everyone saying, come on, April, get up, get up, get moving, get moving. It wasn't the right time for me. Timing is everything. And there, you know, years ago, they used to say even in grieving over a death, and this is a death, that if you spent more than a year grieving the loss of somebody physically a death, then something was wrong. That is not the case anymore. And I also find the more deeply you love somebody, the more it takes for you to recover. In other words, a 16 year old who went with somebody for three months, it might take them a month to recover, but those of us who had children, homes, history with somebody, back up a little bit. Give yourself time to grieve. Number one, nurture yourself in any ways possible. That's hopefully positive. And, you know, be careful that you don't do crazy things like go to slash their tires or do revenge acts. It may feel good in the moment, but in the long run, I want you to come out of this with dignity and respect. So years down the road, you can look at anybody and said, I was a lady, I was a class act. And number three, don't listen to anybody else and do some introspection instead of focusing on what he did to you, focus on what was in that relationship that permitted that to happen. What did you allow or not allow? Were you what? What were you thinking about? That these things were okay at one time. And be wonderfully blessed knowing that you realize now it's not okay. You're worthwhile. You are a child of God. You are a soul having a lifetime of experiences. Life, to me, is nothing more than a giant university. We're here to learn lessons, and the biggest lesson is love. Love for others, as importantly, love for ourselves. Wow. I really enjoyed listening to what you had to say there, April, because it sounded to me like you were talking about, you know, how did. How did you not create a boundary or what boundaries were overstepped if they were created in your relationship? And what can you learn from what you're willing to accept and what you're now willing to not accept going forward? So, April, everything you have to say on this, it sounds like you're speaking from experience, professionally and personally and super valuable to the women. And if there's any gents out there listening in, can I get from you, just to cap off this section, a kind of quick fire round as to the top three tips in the first steps of making your way back to you. Okay. The first three steps are give yourself time, be gentle with yourself, and focus with what's going on inside of you. No guilt is needed. Let the guilt go. This is all a lesson. And you are loved. You are loved. You are loved by your friends, your family, your peers, those around you. And so, yeah, I think what April was saying earlier about going forward with grace is really the best thing that you can do to lift your head high after a breakup, whether it was your choice or not. And following those top three steps, I'm so excited to have April Kirkwood here on women's Radio Station live. This is Love Lessons. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and we will be right back. Welcome to women's radio station, the voice of women worldwide. This is women's radio station. You're listening to Avril Price with Kitchen Sink Spirituality. It's Anna Kennedy talking all things autism. And my guest today is Karen no. Welcome to future Classical Woman Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station, Women's radio station. We want to hear from you. I listen to women's radio station women. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalised service. This happens from the moment that they inquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators you can contact me on 0782-544-12112 and Liz spelt L I S hazazelmaetravel.co.uk hi, I'm Mariam Jamaux and I'm the founder of WCAN, a young social enterprise ensuring an increase in employment progression and retention of black women in the corporate world. We specialise in the professional and personal development of over 3,000 young black women in the UK. To get involved, please sign up or learn more via wcan.co.uk, visit our Twitter or Instagram caanetwork. If you're a corporation interested in sponsorship, email sponsorshipcan.uk Are you struggling with money? Turn to us as a national charity, helping people struggling to make ends meet. Job loss, illness or bereavement can cause a real financial crisis. We give practical help to get people back on track. Whether you're thinking of having a baby, trying to get out of an unhappy relationship, or just unsure what benefits you may be entitled to, we can help visit turntousous.org.uk Let me tell you about Jermyn Street Theatre. This is a secret theatre in the heart of the West End. Once found, never forgotten. This is where careers ignite, where playwrights take risks, where great actors perform just feet away from the audience. This is where magic happens. We would love you to join our mailing list or become a sponsor or just buy a ticket to one of our shows. The website is www. Women's Radio Station is a not for profit, community interest company. Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. Women's Radio Station hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back. Obviously not had enough coffee today. To women's radio station, we are live with April Kirkwood, the love counselor across the pond in the us and today we've been talking about working your way back to you, what to do if you're going through a breakup or feeling heartbroken. This season it has been National Divorce Day here in the UK and unfortunately, yes, is breakup season. So, April, welcome back. April, are you there? Yes, I am. Can you hear me? Yes, we can hear you. I don't know what happened. I think we lost you for a moment, but we've got you back. I was just taking notes and just contemplating women and what happens in life. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. You are a real superstar at what you do in helping women get, you know, work their way back to themselves. And in this segment, I really want to talk about relationship grievances. So there will be a lot of people reflecting in this new year, thinking about new starts and, you know, a new path. And so if there's anyone out there listening who's kind of at the. At the tether whether to start, stay yay or nay in their relationship. I want to get to grips with how to deepen the connection with their partner so, you know, they can really trial and error whether it is, you know, time to finalize their marriage or not or their relationship. I really want to give people the tools to navigate their relationship the best way they can before giving up. So what do you think are, first and foremost, the causes of grievances in a relationship? Miscommunication, a lack of connection, not growing together. The only constant in life. And that includes in relationships. Relationships are not real estate. You just can't buy it and then sit it there and, you know, and let it increase in value. It takes a lot of energy that you want to. I mean, it shouldn't be a job. I mean, sometimes it sounds like, oh, I have to really work at this. But if you love someone and you want that relationship, it's a pleasure to get up every morning and see them and want to put your best foot forward. Oops, I don't know. What was that? You or me? I'm not sure, but let's continue. Okay. So I want them to realize that when you enter a relationship, do you really want that, number one? I mean, we all get grumpy and cranky, but when you bring another person into your life, you're bringing all of their stuff. And I think a lot of us have grievances because we weren't prepared for that or we didn't know about it, or we rushed into it. And I think, once again, it goes back to knowing yourself, your core. And even when I decide to leave or not leave a relationship or a client, what are their values? If. If it's money and this woman's gonna leave and go. Go live and change her lifestyle, is she gonna be any happier there? I don't know. I mean, some people don't like to be poor. April, I really found it interesting what you were saying, first and foremost about relationships, how they're not real estate. You cannot just let it sit. Sit there and expect it to increase in value. You know, you have to keep investing in that relationship. Also, you know, spiritually speaking, they say that every time it's like a bank account, Every time that you withdraw Some kudos by giving a negative comment a negative look, a negative air. It takes eight positive responses to get back that one negative. So a negative response is so detrimental, it's like shooting somebody in the heart. And it would take eight, eight positive things to happen to get you back in balance. So I don't think we realize how our comments, our gestures really kill a relationship. And I know that sounds really strong, but that's what you're doing. Wow. You know, you're putting another nail. I mean, we don't watch our words anymore. We don't. I think it's so. It's so fascinating how you are able to put, you know, what can seem like quite complex communication strategies within a relationship into layman's terms so we can really understand. So every time you're giving one negative bit of body language or remark to your partner, you need to then give 8 bits of positive feedback or looks or gestures to really bring that relationship and love balance. It's like breaking even, isn't it? It's coming back, back to balance. Yeah. And eventually, if you have given so many negative comments, you're overdrawn in your bank account. And you know what happens if you're overdrawn too much? You're bankrupt. Yeah. Once you're bankrupt, you know, it takes a lot to get back there. You know, some people say, well, there was. I hear this all the time. There was too much damage. We argued about. The two things that people argue about when they get divorced are money and children. Those are the two causes. Yes. Just a side note, it's also, there's something called bidding. And I talked about it on Instagram. When somebody looks to you for reinforcement, say, you know, your wife loves birds and she's looking out the window and she goes, honey, look at that bird. If he or the partner turns outward and ignores it, it's like cutting her to shreds. Now you know, she likes the darn birds. Just turn around and pleasure her. What would please her? Could you get up every morning and ask yourself, what. What would please them? What can I do to please them? And usually those things have nothing to do with money and nothing to do with sex and nothing to do with children. It has to do with that one on one connection. All we want in a relationship is to be loved. And we, we call it all this other stuff. And now there's another whole topic. And you have to realize how your partner speaks love. And, you know, do they speak it with gifts? Do they speak it with words? Do they speak it with just showing up. And sometimes we don't understand that they are showing us love, but that's not the way we like to receive love. I'm so excited that you have brought up the way we human beings speak love. What love language are we speaking? So I really wanted to ask you that question. April, can you explain a little bit to the listeners who perhaps don't have a clue what we're talking about when we say love languages? Can you share a little bit about that? Yeah. Love languages are the way two people or a person shows another person they love them. For example, I show love by gifts. I love to gift people. However, if I'm with a person that gifts me nothing, and my partner comes home, never with a card, never with flowers, never with a note, then for me, now, he may love me or she may love me very much. But the language I'm picking up is my language is I like to receive gifts. Some people like to receive lots of touches. Their language of love is touching. Now, if you have partnered up with someone who's not touchy, you need to either one unpartner with them, because usually people at a certain age don't change, but that's a whole other story. But. Or you need to really communicate your language of love. I. Some men like sex every day. If you're not a sexual being and you don't think that sex is that important and they like that, that physical connection there, that language is not on the same page. It's like speaking French and Italian and they don't speak the same language. So we've got to get this down, and I recommend doing that before you move in together or get serious or just be aware. You know, my whole platform is about being awake and aware. When you're awake and aware, you can change anything about your life, your romance, and your inner being. So, April, there are also a couple of other languages that I want to share with the listeners, which are, you know, just words of affirmation. Those words, I love you, I need you, I miss you, I care for you. Some people really need to hear those words to feel loved and secure within their relationship. And for me, I can tell you that my core love language is quality time spent. So I know for April, it's gifts. She shows love in giving gifts. But what I also want to let the Listers know is that you actually don't have to have the same love language as your partner to be able to communicate. But what you do need to do is understand what your partner's love language is so you can cherish and nourish their needs and they can in turn love you and cherish and nourish your needs. So it's communicating those love languages. And I think it's so apt that April has brought that up because if you're experiencing a breakdown in communication or the love languages or lack of is causing a rift between you and your partner, you really need to get to grips with what's going on at the core and work on it if you really want to deepen the connection and get rid of the grievances. So, April, thank you so much for having a quick chat with us about relationship grievances. So let's do a very quick fire round of three top tips to deepen the connection in a couple quality time, which means not bothering somebody when they just come in from work or they're stressed out. Ask them, is this a good time to talk? Become aware of how they show they love you. Most women are verbal. Most men are visual. Be aware of that. I love to talk and that's important to me. And someone who doesn't talk to me, you know it's going to be a rocky road. It doesn't mean that it has to end as you said, but there is an awareness. Oh, he showed me he loved me. He brushed off the snow from my car. That's wonderful. He gave me love today and that's okay. And then just make sure that you are aware of what's going on with them. Take time. Never become too busy. Thank you so much, April. We'll be right back. This is Love Lessons on Women's Radio. Women's Radio Station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. I'm Tamina Zaman, founder of Empower and Enrich. 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We provide convent resolution and community engagement services. Our services include community mediation for neighbour disputes, family mediation for separating couples, special education needs for parents, carers and their children, and young adults, as well as workplace mediation and restorative services. To find out more, head to womensradiostation.com or theaproject.co.uk. let me tell you about Jermyn Street Theatre. This is a secret theatre in the heart of the Western End. Once found, never forgotten. This is where careers ignite, where playwrights take risks, where great actors perform just feet away from the audience. This is where magic happens. We would love you to join our mailing list or become a sponsor or just buy a ticket to one of our shows. The website is www.germanstreettheatre.co.uk. Women's Radio Station is a not for profit, community interest company. Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. Hello, I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and welcome back to Love Lessons on Women's Radio Station. I'm here with the love counselor based across the pond in the US April Kirkwood. Now we have been talking a little bit about making your way back to you this new year. We've touched upon relationship grievances and for those who are kind of like, you know, toeing the path of not sure whether it's a yay or nay to continue in their relationship. So in this segment, I really want to talk about how to heal a heart that's broken and how to get to grips with that grief cycle that April talked about a little bit earlier on in the show. And I want to really talk about moving forward and the best, most positive way to do that while you're making your way, I guess, back to you. So welcome back, April. Thank you. I'm having a great time and hoping that everyone is getting some insights about love and the complexity of it and the spiritual component of it. I think I'd like to say most Importantly, that nothing is permanent. And we live in this time period in life when we have been romanticized thinking that there is only one person or love should last forever. And even. Even the people who are in love, somebody is going to pass away before the other, usually. So change is what most of us dislike the most, and it's the only constant in life. So when you go through this breakup and there's going to be times of tears and crying and mourning, and after you have cried yourself out and eaten all the ice cream you possibly can and watched every movie ten times over, I want to promise you this, that you will get up one morning and you will have more pep in your step, and you will remember your favorite song from high school, and the sun will shine again. I have never seen it, and I promise you, ladies and gentlemen, I've never seen it, that after every dark night, the sun does rise, and it will for you. And even in your darkest moments, there is somebody for you. And I really do believe in source. I don't know what anyone calls it, and I really don't care whether it's angels, guardians, Holy Spirit, God, Heavenly Father, really make time to reconnect and know that you are a child of love and you are a soul, and you are here to learn these lessons. And some people aren't here to stay. We're all ships passing through the night. And, you know, it took a lot for that other soul to come in and maybe teach you the lesson of forgiveness. Or you teach them a lesson. Maybe you were brought into their life to teach them to be more patient, to forgive, to love children, to be kind to animals, to have a better work ethic. So I want you to take this opportunity, and it is an opportunity. A goodbye is an opportunity. Because guess what? With every goodbye, there is another door waiting to be opened in its time. You cannot rush it. And the more you are ready for it, the more the energies will come your way, and you will look back three years from now and go, wow, I really got a lot from this. I really got a lot from him. I really got a lot from her. I have a lot of love. That was just incredible. I mean, for me, I'm not an emotional soul. I like to think I'm more of a realist than a romantic, despite the fact that I'm a, you know, a dating and relationship coach. But there's some words that you said that really stood out to me, and I think they really resound, and they're deep and they're meaningful, and they really matter. Like when you say that no matter how dark the night might seem, and for those that are heartbroken and going through this and they feel like they're alone, the sun will rise tomorrow and you may not feel like getting out of bed, or you may not feel like having that pep in your step, like you said, but one day you will wake up and have a bit more pep in your step, and the sun will seem a little bit brighter and you'll find the silver linings to all of the clouds. And I think it's so lovely that you have a spiritual and practical outlook as to how to heal, you know. And like you say, you know, with every goodbye, perhaps there's a new hello. And I think journaling your way through and writing down all the lessons that you've learned through each relationship or each breakdown of a relationship that isn't perhaps even romantic in friendship, in any kind of relationship that you keep, I think your words, they really resound and they're really, you know, poignant and necessary for this show. And one thing that I really got from that myself, and I'm sure the listeners did, is that people come into your life for a reason or a season, and they stay or they stay for a lifetime. And it's just you have to decide which that person was, I guess, or is. Well, change our mindset and be a little bit more flexible through the dark times. And I know it's difficult. I've been there myself and really step back and go, what was this about? And, you know, I. My healing happens when I wake up and I become more an observer instead of a participant. So instead of being in that dark place where I want to, you know, I'm maybe getting a divorce attorney and we're arguing over, over things and crap, or the kids are upset. And these are all important parts of a divorce. I very cognitive of the realities of living. I do not recommend anybody to just walk out of their house without a plan. But I also think, I mean, I don't want to get a call someday going, you told me to leave, and now I'm living in my car or I lost my job. That's not appropriate either, or is it healthy for you? But I want you to realize that this is part of the plan of your life. It's about the lessons. And I want you to come out of this not bitter, but better. Not bitter, but better. I love that. April. April, I have got a couple of real practical questions that I know. I've got friends, I've got clients who have done this I've probably tried to do it at some point in my relationship span. What do you think about trying to win your ex back after a breakup? What, what do you, what would you say to somebody if, if their partner has left them and they're trying all different strategies to win their attention? What would you say to those people? I would say you better have a lot of self esteem because the obvious reasons is they left for a reason. Maybe they're foolish, maybe they're full, maybe they made a mistake or maybe they really know what they'. But either way, you have got to be prepared. Do not stalk, do not whine, do not remember why they loved you. They probably loved you because you are fun and carefree and you are great to be around. If you try to re enter, be that person they loved. Don't be the whiny, nasty biatch that we, that we slip down to in a breakup. So would you say that, you know, being the happiest version of yourself, going out doing the things that keep you passionate, keep you alive, keep you excited about the world, that is in fact the most attractive trait not, you know, reiterating to them. I need you. I miss you. I want you. I love you. I'm cheating. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was my fault. What will it take? None of that business. Just like writing down what you like. God, you know, if you don't want to be with yourself, why would I want to be with you? Like, get away, you whiny thing. You know, you're not the girl. And I've seen men say this to me in practices. She's not who she used to be. She's not who she used to be. And you know, but that's because, you know, women and men, I guess, but I think particularly women try to be all things and they spread themselves too thin and they give themselves too little time for themselves. And the loves that they have for themselves and the passions that they would uphold sometimes get lost in translation. Would you agree? I totally agree. Women are the heart of the home. And with that is a big responsibility. And in that we lose ourselves. We become moms. We become, we wear new hats and we're not fluid in our hats. So we get stuck with one hat. I did it. I mean, I'm a great mommy. Not always a good wife, but a great mommy. I got mommy down, but mommy, you know, kids leave and although I will always be their mom, I should have maybe in my personal life had a little more balance. In fact, on my mother's deathbed, she said to me, I didn't have to be the extreme version of a mother. Please don't do that. I was like, okay, I've been trying to be a perfect mom, you know, and also cut some slack to yourself and make some time for you and your partner or just you. But if you're broken up, go back and find out something you would like to learn. Learn it, because you know what? When he or she sees you and you're having fun, really having fun. Now, don't fake it, because you can smell fake and it's like a cheap cologne. April, no, no, no. You are so fun. It's such a pleasure to have you on. I would like a yay or a nay from you on this question. Okay. Do you recommend a no contact rule for 30 days or more? Yay or nay? Nay. Nay. I think that you need to reserve your own self respect. And if it means, I mean, I'm not going to beat somebody up if they call somebody at. For 20 at day 27. I think when we set such rigid boundaries, I mean, boundaries are good. Don't get me wrong. I'm all about boundaries. I'm the boundary lady. However, I think you should focus more on not the rules, but caring for yourself. Like, I would just put that on aside. They're gonna be there. So just a quick recap. In Healing heartbreak this breakup season, April really recommends taking time for yourself, learning and getting back out there with what you want to do and not being so hard on yourself. This is Sarah Louise Ryan with April Kirkwood. And this is Love Lessons. Welcome to women's radio Station, the voice of women worldwide. This is Women's radio Station. You're listening to Avril Price with Kitchen Sink Spirituality. It's Anna Kennedy talking all things autism. And my guest today is Karen no. Welcome to future Classical Woman Awards with me, Stefania Passamonte on women's radio station. Women's radio station, we want to hear from you. I listen to women's radio station. Women's. The possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. Hi, I'm Liz Van Linden, a UK travel consultant for Hazelmere Travel. People come to me as they want unique experiences and a personalised service. This happens from the moment that they enquire till they come back home. I work with luxury tour operators. You can contact me on 078. And Liz spelt L I S hazazelmaytravel.co.uk hi, I'm Mariam Jamaux and I'm the founder of WCAN, a young social enterprise ensuring an increase in employment progression and retention of Black women in the corporate world. We specialize in the professional and personal development of over 3,000 young black women in the UK. To get employment involved, please sign up or learn more via wcan.co.uk visit our Twitter or Instagram caanetwork. 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Supporting women is our passion. We're currently welcoming donations to help towards our running costs to keep this important initiative alive. To donate, simply head to our website. Every little will help. Hello and welcome back to Women's Radio Station. This is Love Lessons. I'm Sarah Louise Ryan and I'm here with the love Counselor over the pond in the us, April Kirkwood. Welcome back, April. Yay. It's been such a pleasure so far and we've talked a lot about people out there working their way back to themselves and putting their best foot forward. We talked a little bit about healing heartbreak and not being so hard on yourself and finding those passions to be the happiest version of you. We've also talked about, you know, what to do if you're toeing the line in a relationship and you're not so sure how to deepen the connection or if the love is lost. So now what I want to do is get to grips with how to gain respect and attract the love that, you know, we also deserve. And I'm sure that April has some tools in her box that she'd like to share. So April, first of all, pretty much I'd like to reiterate what is respect and what does it mean to you. Respect to me is being able to look in the mirror every night and go to bed without any sedatives because I can live with myself. And once again. And I sound like, you know, an old drum, but I know myself. I know who I am, what I want, and what I believe in, what my core is. I am God's child. I really feel so loved that if he's there, fine. If he's not, fine. If it works, fine. I have so much going on. Become your best self and you will respect yourself. I am so busy being me. My son had an addiction problem, and when he got sober, thank God, he's fabulous now. But he said, what am I gonna do, you know, now that I'm not on drugs? Like I said, Grant, you have so much to do. Honey, you don't have a minute. You don't have a minute. You gotta get back. You know, you have got to find yourself. And luckily, I have kids that, you know, have a deep bond with them, so they do. I'm lucky enough that they like me and they listen to me. Well, if you're lucky, they like you and they come back. And if not, you never see them and they send flowers. But, April, how much does mutual respect really set the foundations for a relationship, in your opinion? It's everything. And that's another thing. Don't spill your guts when you're meeting someone. I have lost a lot of good relationships, and other people have, too, by saying, example. I went with a married man. Okay, so this guy picks up what he's picking. You're like, what he's picking up is, oh, so she'll put up with that? Yes. Oh, oh, okay. You don't have to spill your dirt, because the more dirt you spill, the more you feel bad about yourself. You're verbalizing it, and it's almost like giving them carte blanche into repeating that. My husband hit me for 15 years. I'm making this up. And then they say, oh, so. Oh, so she doesn't mind being controlled. Now, two things are going to happen. You're going to attract people who do that, or healthy people are going to go, I don't want to be involved with this broad or this guy. They're crazy. Get well. And that's when I talk about boundaries. And I want to reiterate when I said, don't talk to somebody or do talk to someone or say, you know when you say, you can't have I cream and you're on a diet every day you want ice cream. I mean, I don't think that. I don't think that calling somebody when you first break up is healthy. But I don't think setting such hard guidelines when you're struggling just to put two feet on the floor every morning, you know, I don't want you to start chalking off. Okay. Didn't talk to him today. Didn't talk to. I have 16 more days till I can call. No, that's not, that's. That's putting yourself in a box. What you don't need right now is a box. You need freedom. I'm a really big fan, April, of not giving things up, but taking things up. So stepping forward with a positive attitude. So, okay, if I am choosing not to speak to that person because it hurts me or is detrimental to me because it's hurting my self esteem, because they're not responding or giving me the answers that I want, then okay, that time is invested. But you're not getting a return. So why don't you invest your time to create something that is going to bring a return into your life? I think that's the most simplest way. I kind of got through, you know, a negative part of my life and a heartbreak a few years ago. And I think anyone that's listening out there who's kind of, kind of trying to, you know, put those two feet on the ground like you say, April, and you know, they're thinking, oh, well, I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to do that. I'm stopping from doing this. Well, start shifting your mindset and, you know, gaining respect for yourself and being positive about taking positive things up. Would you agree? I totally agree. And you know, some of us and some of the people who are being, going through a breakup, they have been being told what to do way too long. They are suffocated in negativity, suffocated in verbal abuse, spiritual abuse, physical abuse. And this is a time for nurturing, not beating yourself up or setting unrealistic goals. It's like on a diet. I'm going to lose £20 by March. Well, that's not going to happen probably. So, April, okay, let's get excited about helping people attract the right love, the right relationship, the right partnership, the right equal for them. I mean, what would you recommend? If, you know, for example, say I was a single, I'm going out there and I really want to, you know, attract the right person, swim in the right pool of people, what would I do? Right. Where do you want to meet that person? Number one, I mean, if I'm ready to go and I've done my emotional work and I'm feeling okay now, I'm ready to go, I've got it together, I feel, and I'm on the road. What kind of person do you want to meet? Okay, now that's the problem. You know, I think we have a caste system almost in America, at least, it is very, very difficult. We've come up with a term I call toxic materialism and toxic values. We have to be realistic. You're probably not. Even if you go to Florida and say you're in West Palm, you have to be realistic, you know, as. And as fanciful as I am, there's a realistic. Where are you going to meet someone that is going to be within the realms of you feeling comfortable. If you like to golf, go to a golf course. But you're probably not going to be comfortable at Mar A Largo if you. It does happen. I mean, you have a new princess in royalty and, you know, we're all watching to see how that blooms and grows and if it works out. But to find someone that you like, go places where you're comfortable, don't put. Because when you're not comfortable, once again, you give off an aura of low self esteem and mediocrity and inferiority. So go somewhere where you feel comfortable, go somewhere where they do things you like to do and go somewhere that's respectful. So if anyone sees you there or knows that you're there, it's something you can raise your head. I love dancing. I go to dance. I don't go to drink and I don't go to pick up people, but I like dancing. But I'm careful where I go, you know, and I'm careful because I have to live with that the rest of my life. And in social media today, there nothing is hidden. We live in a transparent world, a global world. And be careful, be careful. And that's why I say wait until you're ready. Because when you are in the midst of heartbreak, gosh, we can do some crazy things, can't we? So, you know, April, you said a couple of things that I'd really like to, you know, reiterate what that means to the listeners. So you talked about toxic materialism and toxic values. I'm really interested. I kind of get toxic materialism. I'm sure it kind of does what it says on the tin. But when it comes to values, that's really, you know, what defines us to our core. What our value system. What do you mean by toxic values? Can you tell us? Toxic values are believing whatever the trends, are believing whatever you've been taught as a child. You must marry a Catholic. You can only stay with Italians. Marry Italians. That's just the way you are. You don't deviate. You know, what if it inhibits you from being your best self? And it also sounds to me like you're losing out on love possibilities because you are limiting your yourself and your circle. You're not being open minded, you know, to all different people that you wouldn't normally meet because somebody in your family has told you you should, you know, or you shouldn't be gay or you shouldn't be liberal. I mean, I've seen, I've been in homes where they are fighting in America, Democrats and Republicans, and they're storming out and saying, I'm never going to speak to you again. That's toxic behavior. And if you get caught up in that, then you are limiting yourself from Mr. Or Mrs. Right. Perfect. Okay. You have a vision of what's right for you. But is that a correct vision or is it based on upbringing, demographics, or not deviating from the social norm? April, I want to give a quick three tip fire round as to how people can set themselves up for Love success in 2019. Oh, be happy. Raise your energy. Oh, I love that. Oh my gosh. Just be happy you can attract. Exactly. Also, don't limit yourself to Mr. Right. How about my beloved for you? You have a picture in your mind. Mr. Wright's a doctor, a dentist, this. He's five foot nine. He has no that. Maybe you should call the energies and pray for my beloved. And what's the third tip? What's your third tip? The third tip is get out of your own way. Give up the guilt. It's just a learning lesson. Okay, maybe you picked the wrong people the last three times. Read my book. Working my way back to me. I spent 30 years in love with a celebrity. April Kirkwood, Working your way. This is Love Lessons. Thank you, April. This is Love Lessons on women's radio station. Thank you so much, April. Hi. Women's radio station is a fresh new broadcasting platform driven by love and passion. Connecting women around the world in a global network is all about diversity from opinions, career, ethnicity, education. We aim to show the individuality of every woman everywhere, providing opportunities and a platform for your voice. Women, the possibilities are endless. That's what makes us different. 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